Tag: writing

Under the apricot Sky…Dear diary

Tuesday 13th

Day 5 Of the inner Germ warfare,, Yes I have bloody cold (sighs), don’t leave my home from one week to the next, but here it is, in all its full snotty glory,. Seems colds arrive with your shop these days, Milk, eggs and butter ohhhh and we,re doing a lovely line of free colds, kind of a Bogof😁 . In fairness to my sweet delivery guy, he did say in between sneezes, he was full of a cold, but what’s one supposed to say….ewwwww Grosse, erm could you stand, approximately three feet back maybe?, whilst I de mist you over with a mild pungent disinfectant solution, and Don a full hazmat suit, not so sure it’s very me anyhow 😊, I do wonder though, if they come in sparkly purple?….Will explore the Zon(Amazon) later perhaps.. But with little in the way of an immune system, my body likes to grab everything going, its like letting me loose in a cake shop at happy hour really….hmmmm free cake!, It’s not my fault “the colds” infected my brain cell, honest…😁.

Anyhow it’s month ten of a year long expedition, Nooooo I’ve not gone completely off my rocker, lost my marbles, brain ran off finally screaming, arms akimbo let me out!!!!!, I can’t hold it captain she’s gonna blow, …No seriously now, back in January, my new years revolution, (yes I mean revolution, was to go on a kind of journey, one even I could achieve, with this messed up manky body a long for the ride, a road trip,one of 12 months with art, something your average armchair Agoraphbic could achieve all by herself, well sort of, there was still coffee, much much coffee, oh and language, I’m skilled at curse words now dontcha , if nothing else comes of this, there’s that.

It’s a long story, but I will keep it short😊, is that one of those doodahs, Oxi thingies, Shakes head, oww don’t do that Treez, . if your still here I will explain myself😊, Throughout my childhood I’ve always scribbled, dabbled in the drawing, it’s actually a kind of stop cock, release valve, for my stress levels,, when I become overwhelmed by life, Shove a pencil in my hot sticky little hand and away I go, Horses being main my thing, I can draw those in my sleep, it’s unconscious thing, something I just do I guess, but anything else is somewhat questionable….no it is really!, Everyone will say what’s it supposed to be? 😁, I can say its anything!, because my sprawling pencil drivel could be either a Tyrannosaurus Rex or a Chihuahua, my drawing was and still is shocking..

My father, Aunts, all were amazing artists, and then of course there was me😁, it seemed cruel almost,. They turned out beautiful landscapes, potraits, I turned out naked Picassos with eyes at the back of their heads, they mixed beautiful colours on wood pallets, I mixed, well sludge green basically…..try as I may, it didn’t happen….Every few years I would try again, giving in to an overwhelming need to recreate, bring forms to life upon paper…but each time it sadly eluded me, I gave away the pencils, paper and paint, unable to look at them anymore, they mocked me cruelly, in the meantime when I walked, Autumnal skys, golden trees, scarlet berries fired my imagination, I could see how the composition would arrive on the paper, the colour tones and blends, it taunted me, teased, yet it wasn’t to be…..

So what changed?, Well if I’m honest with myself, it became that its now or never situation really…I was told so so many times if you want something bad enough, you will get it, You keep going until you achieve the almost impossible,. confession here, I didn’t believe a damn word of it, (but I wanted too…I wanted to believe it was there, inside me all along, just waiting for me to locate it, an instinctual artist, I just needed to find the key to unlock her….i,’ll let you into a couple of secrets….there really is no key!, There never was an inner artist…there just never was…See no one and I mean no one tells you this, that there are two types of Artists….One is your natural, born that way….the rest of us?, Well we take our chances, thrown to the paper gods to crash and burn, sacrificial black ashes,. We have to work our dear little butts into the ground, every single picture, a blend of linseed and heartache..I can’t tell you how many pictures I’ve started, each going to be that turnaround Ive longed for…each in the end destined for the bloody bin…week after week, I would sit at a tiny glass topped round garden table, (all there’s room for), Hour after hour, my back aching, knees swollen from being bent, fingers hurting from holding a pencil….nothing….the paper doesnt shout brilliance…. Just silence!, endless screaming silence….

Then one morning in late February, while doom scrolling endless beautiful perfect painted water colour pictures, torturing my very soul, i came across an American artist…who changed everything in one 5 minute video, It wasnt the tutorial as such, but the words she left with….Be free to mess it up, no one but yourself is ever going to see it, So enjoy it!, Whoa wait a blooming moment here, are you telling me it’s ok, to do my muddy grass, carrot people, and lopsided boxy houses with Windows in each corner!?😮,. It took a while to leave behind my need for perfection, but it’s happening, I’m leaving with it the need to produce a Stubbs, Constable or even Bob Ross….I paint like Treez, the Treez whose one wonky eye, sees things, well just slightly different…who is no longer afraid to put mark’s on that white sheet paper, draw a demented Dachshund, wonky vase of Pansies or stick person …each glorious mess is a learning experience, each step I take I know leaves me with thousands more, my expedition has just begun…and yes I lose my way at times…but isn’t that the fun of the journey…finding out about yourself.

When I woke up this morning, my nose bunged, my throat raw, stomach churning and head spinning, I didn’t want to move, I could have laid miserably in my bed of self pity all day, and who would have blamed me?, But I didnt, I got up, I stood in the bath trembling with cold, poured endless bowls of steaming soapy water over my aching body….washed, made my first coffee, pulled back the curtains, sat upon my bed, hands around my cup, looking out at the Sky…..only I didn’t just look at it….I only bloody saw it, eyes opened to the world anew, it was a recipe of perfection..Colbalt, azure, Palest peach, Apricot, yellows, violets and streaked with gold cloud, yes they were Gold!!!!!!!, I didn’t rush to grab my phone to capture it, I didn’t need to, it’s in here(taps head) and in here, (hand over heart), will I try to paint it, you bet your bloody life I will, will I mess it up, oh my gosh yes gloriously, exhilaratingly, I’m going to be the best at being a mess….what’s more you know, I love it….

Every day, every single day I sit at that little table, watching the birds feed, clouds race, skies change and I paint my little heart out…most are useless, terrible even, but every once in a while, something miraculous happens, I paint something that can be a fair representative of my subject, but it’s no longer about that now, no it’s about the journey, not the destination, it’s not about being the best, but the best I can be….While I sat this morning in a world of pain, I realised something…I wouldn’t exchange anything, not my messed up EDS sick body, the one wonky eye…because I had coffee in my hands, love for my people in my heart and perfection under the apricot sky……

Something else came out of all this shenanigans, I show my attempts on “the Facebook”, yes good or bad, their there for all to see, now why set yourself up for heartache you ask?, Well because if one of my attempts inspires someone else to do something they only dreamt of and thought the impossible, then I’m ok with that…in fact I’m better than ok, I bloody love it…..so don’t put off doing your own thing…do it, start your own expeditions, don’t put it off, become an explorer of your own lives, great thing is you won’t need a compass….go on be brave, who knows where it will lead you….whatever you get up to though my lovelies take care of yourself, look after you💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

Three little birds…Dear diary

Do you ever wonder about the subconscious,?, No….. well stay with me on this for a wee moment…Grab yourself a cuppa and I will try to explain myself, (may take some doing mind…are you Back?!, Ok let’s start at the beginning, good place huh😁?…

June 2022

I had moved into this flat back in the April, i have to admit I wasnt real thrilled at the prospect, but it was the only place available at that time….So I made the best of a bad situation, …One of its few advantages for instance, was it had a modest laundry area for hanging out of yah smalls, no laughing now😁, all mod cons hmm, . Ok before usage i also had to remove a ton of killer BlackBerry vines to access said area, Vines that had been left to run rampant since the beginning of time,. looking at the thickness and length of them, nothing surprised me, they were lethal beasties with long tentacles……that’s tentacles😊, I really did take my life in my hands tackl that project folks, Anyhow I digress ….yeah I know you cant believe it 😁….

As I worked away each day doing a little more, Hacking, sawing and chopping, yet still ever more blooming BlackBerry appeared to take its place, I on the other hand Looking for all the world, like I was suffering the death of a thousand cuts…just more slowly!… One afternoon I felt this unnerving sensation, it felt like eyes upon me, Every few minutes I would stop, turn around real slow vainly hoping to catch out who was watching me, only to see nothing, because there was nothing!….this went on for days, no weeks even, I began to think maybe the trauma of yet another move, had messed with already over wrought mind….

By the time I had almost cleared the area enough for me to finally use it, not only did I feel like an intrepid explorer, machete-ing my way through a killer BlackBerry jungle, but I had with time become somewhat accustomed to being over looked…does one ever get used to it, I dunno but it no longer bothered me, let’s move the story on shall we,

The weather grew warmer and with it, I spent more time out of doors sitting outside each day, just taking the air….As I did so, I would throw out seed and meal worms for the locals, that’s birds by the way, you will be glad to hear, not neighbours 😊, it wasn’t long before one bird in particular showed his prowess, a very territorial Blackbird, not only would he come down while I walked about, but he chased off any other blackbirds in that vicinity, it was his yard so anything in it also his, food included😊…he allowed for the small sparrows, finches and robins, but anything else was given short shrift….including cats….no I’m serious😁

Over the months I began noting him more, listening to his very distinctive call, … Did you know for instance they have certain calls for different things….if it was going to rain, his voice took on a different pitch, clear, longer notes, shorter pauses, as he flew over my garden another sound almost as if he was heralding his import and immediate arrival….After a while I began to recognise each song or call, but more than that I could tell him apart from any interlopers…I admired their bravery😁… It was on one very still warm afternoon he let out a sudden long piercing call, one I hadnt up to this point heard before so didn’t recognise it, this was followed by a series of hurried tck tck tck sounds,….I looked outside my window, watching him dart back and forth the fenced in laundry area…something seemed to be bothering him greatly, to say he was agitated was putting it mildly, I felt immediate concern for the jaunty little bird and was soon taking a walk about the area, it wasn’t long before I spotted a black cat crouching in the long grass,

I had seen her about over the weeks and took her for living local, but my little Blackbird friend wasn’t having any of it…He had by now earned the name white feather…having a singular long white flight feather on his right wing..I loved this wee birds tenacity, nothing frightening him, I had even seen him pulling the tail of one local Raven, he didn’t let up either, not until it finally had had enough taking to the air with an loud indignant Caw!!!!…after around about roughly a year, We had formed a strange bird, human bond…Often I would charge outside after hearing the Warning tck tck tck, to chase off the odd cat, not that he ever needed my help …He also had a wicked sense of fun, swooping low down over my head,back n forth as I hung out the laundry, then sitting upon the fence after, his beady black eyes full of mischief, if birds could laugh he would have.

Then something even stranger happened, he began following me about, firstly around the immediate area, then gradually on short walks, flitting from fence to fence, flitting wings impatiently, bored with my slow ungainly pace, Our walks amused me greatly, I found myself looking for him, it was a rare occasion that he didn’t shoot out of a bush shrieking his signature song over head, …if I sat over the park, he would forage at the bottom of the shrubbery, before showing himself suddenly as in some made up game of hide n seek…I admit I fell for his charm and character over the months, enjoying walks, playing spot feather…

A year later another wee bird came surprisingly into my life, …I had been talking to Jesse about locating a budgie at some point, for company in the flat, he surprised me in that March by arranging for me to pick out one at a local pet shop, in the end mind, I didn’t get to choose….this beautiful blue budgie aka Sage choose me!, Coming to the front of the cage, bobbing his head merrily and chattering away…I could almost reach in and touch him…it was instant love, well on my part anyhow, as I carried my precious cargo home, him in his tiny box, he chatted continually, I knew then and there we were a match😁.

And what a match it was, he learnt words quicker than most two year olds, Some of them not what you would want repeated at polite gatherings though shall we say, his favourite for some reason Pervert!!!!!, This I thought at first just random chatter….but no if something bothered him or on another occasion when he didn’t like the cracker I had offered him, he bellowed Pervert! At the piece of biscuit in his foot before throwing it down….his sudden antics had both myself and Jesse in hysterics, another favourite word being Weird, or it!! Bellowed at me, if he wanted something I was eating…

He hated me being anywhere away from his sight, taking to calling out where are you? What you doing?, I would answer of course, but nothing would mollify him but for me to lug him into the other room, he had free range, but he liked the security of his cage nearby, going in there to go to the bathroom😁…. He really caught at my heart the first time he said “love you” damn! that little bird knew how to eat into my hard exterior!, And did with bells on, I loved him no , blue feather strewn rooms an all.

My little world soon went on to became enriched not once, not twice, but thrice over, not only had I white feather, Sage, but a year later while planting out bulbs ready for spring,. A tiny Robin perched on the fence above where I worked, he sang clear and sweet, his tiny tail bobbing as he watched my Labour,, again no fear, which is common with these little garden birds…he after a while deemed it safe enough, to land just feet away, rummaging in the freshly dug over soil for bugs, I chatted to him as we worked on, cheered by his presence, this was regular thing…

Over that winter I fed all the birds, but was never content until I spotted both Feather and Robin, listening for their voices amid the many, their company most important because i live alone, winters are longer for those of us without company, they were no longer just birds but comfort…friends…dare I say it, yeah I loved them, es I loved my Pigeons, Starlings, and Crows, but it was Feather, then Robin who followed me on my walks, Sat on the fence while I worked in the garden, it was their fun antics that chased away the long winter blues, between all three we formed a unique flock, odd I grant you but wonderful….

So what has this to do with the opening sentence, well sadly one after the other I lost all three birds, Feather first, his pure sweet voice falling silent forever, no longer buzz bombing my head, or screaming at cats, I couldn’t account for when I last saw him, but I knew it happened, and my tiny world grew the smaller for it…..just months later during our long hot summer, Robin starting coming in closer to me, literally feet away, I just took it he trusted me finally, we understood each other….it was on one of the occasions where I sat out, drinking my coffee, him on his favourite plant pot, that I noticed his damaged beak, I began crushing up suet pellets smaller for him to eat, he in turn, came in ever closer the week that followed, I sensed something not right, more than just a damaged beak, I guess he did also, he still followed me about, but slower, his wee feathers puffed up, dull and lack luster, I guess I knew what was coming but choose to block it out, hoping by doing so it wouldn’t happen….but come it did, just days later I spotted his little body in the garden, lifeless, no more songs or playful chatter …my garden had never felt more lonely or such a dark place….then Imagine my shock, a shock I felt just weeks after, I lost Sage, there are no words, because I can’t summon them, there never will be words, one after the other they left this gaping hole, a monstrous hole I can’t fill… Now Sage and Robin lie together, birds that never met, but United in the love I felt for their tiny fragile feathered souls, yes I know some are saying but theyre just birds….No, no they will never be just birds, because each chose me, each let me inside their lives, made it richer, brighter and full of song….and now to the point, some months down the line, when I thought things had eased, I kept hearing an ear worm…song, each morning, over and over, I began singing it…playing it on Spotify trying to extricate it from my mind, I hadn’t heard it since the 90s and here it was…large as life, at first it annoyed me…but not now, maybe unconsciously I hadn’t done with the grieving process..my subconscious mind helping me let go, telling me every little things gonna be alright…..the song…Three little birds, by Bob Marley…I don’t understand the why for,s I won’t question it, but it helps….like those three little in the song, singing melodies pure and true…this was the message…..anyway enough of my twittering away, whatever your doing on this rainy day…take care of you…🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Thinking in the box.

It’s around 7:30 am and I’ve already been awake some two hours, First job of the day, open up the curtains, (is it just me here?) because Im still feeling somewhat disappointed, as I pull them back each morning only to reveal “it’s still dark🤔😮”!, Yeah I know it’s Autumn, this happens…but it has a habit of still catching me unawares. By roughly spring i,’ll be used to it i,m sure 😁, While we are on the subject of disappointments, sighs, is there anything worse, than fumbling your way out into the kitchen, one thing filling your sleep befuddled mind, ….Coffee!, It’s all I want, crave even…..But what do my half awake eyes befell, befall oh whatever, it’s early and I lack caffination big time!!!!!!, There’s the kettle left from the night previous, soaking in a toxic slurry combination of white vinegar and detergent …..why?, Well you may well ask?😁, but mainly to shift the hard water crud, such is limescale, that white chalky substance that drives me batcrap, plus it gives away love affair with all things coffee and how often that poor kettle goes on🙄.

Anyhow I finally Coffee in hand, my little world’s back in kilter, . I mainly came here today for a chinwag, chat, a catchup… I would like to ask, what are you all doing about this emergency box thang!?, I have questions, lots of…Have you even got one?, and if so, Not being personal or owt, how bigs yours?😁. Is bigger better in these circumstances or small and neat, for hiding it away from view?, I feel this is a matter of some discussion, doctrinal import even…. So first things first, are you an Outty and proud of your EB, (emergency box) bragging to all who will listen? or an Inny, in that closet, hiding with said box?🤐😃.

While we are at it, what’s your current thought on contents?, (Keep forgetting to add the question mark here folks please forgive my grammar or lack there of, But Im so bloody curious, See my mother grew up during WW2, So as children it wasn’t anything new to find a box of tin goods lurking away in the bottom of the pantry, Mum bought something extra each week to add to the growing tin mountain, Wasn’t always anything much, but at Christmas or if times were hard, we were all still fed….its not only common sense in a way, but necessary, (a hang up from the War)…this was then handed down to myself, Only living alone it’s somewhat scaled down. but I’ve always had extra tin food in my cupboard, mainly for times when I can’t face leaving my flat…but it is useful.

I must confess I do love a good Be prepared!, As an award winning over thinker, I am inclined to stress over the slightest thing. Folks in this here cavern of a brain, I’ve imagined every scenario you can think of, many impossible, improbable even, One is where I’m on the run with Will Smith and a very large German shepherd,(oh dog food, Treez you don’t even have a dog😁) maybe the Will thing is somewhat wishful thinking, but you get my drift 😁…Who knows, but when the panic button is released and I finally can see the light at the end of the tunnel….(ewwww lights don’t forget your batteries folks) where was i again?, Oh yes calming down😁…. When all the imaginary emergency stations are done, I then begin dealing with the practical.. The things I can do for myself, something useful to focus my tired mind upon….So yes I do have an EB…

It’s small and tidy, goodness knows this flat won’t hold a larger catchet, even if I were so inclined lol, Its hidden discreetly, in a corner, a pretty cotton cloth thrown haphazardly over it, today my EB is mainly being a coffee table, who knows tomorrow it has ambitions yah know😁, …

Whats in the box….

I’ve mainly gone for a few essential items, like tinned tomatoes, potatoes(have you seen the price by the way?😮, Asda is the best place folks 39p, no seriously they are!,) Then theres soup, good ole baked beans and sausages, tinned ham, chicken, Spam, you gotta love Spam😁, saved many a soul from starvation during WW2, plus gained renewed fame after the Monty Python sketch way back when 80s I think.😁, I’m making light of all this, because with the world as it is, last thing we need is yet still more turmoil, but it is as I said in the beginning just using common sense….have those spare tins, some batteries, keep a power bank charged, these are things we can all take charge of, When our world leaders are rattling their sabres, the planet threatening to boil over, There are things still within your control, don’t panic, like what I does 😁, just be practical, calmly make your list, get your box….if nothing comes of it, you’ve always got food you can turn too….extra goodies for Christmas…with the price of food at the moment goodness knows we can all do with it, only takes a couple of extra tins each week, some long life milk or powdered, tea, coffee, odd treat…channel your inner boyscout, we’ve got this….have fun with it…most of all its remaining calm….think out the box or in whatever gets you through…well folks coffee cups drained and that will never do…until next time, take care of you…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Dear Diary Monday 21st, (A thousand hours.

I really don’t know why I’m here actually?, (by here I mean writing this). Except maybe my day feels somewhat strange, awkward…but more than, so you understand?, i,d say rather out of kilter, I feel disconnected from it, estranged,. All the while im attempting to concentrate on my usual routine, but none of its holding me, the kitchen is clean, my beds magically made, but I have no recollection of doing it., I go on to try completing a picture that I began sketching the night previous, not easy when your minds spinning in ever rapid circles, the force with this mind Dragon is strong, weedwacker…, Reining him in is just a fools errand, I know from experience., I worked on another hour, but only in auto pilot fashion, im just hoping,, hoping that somehow along the way, usual service would resume, by doing something regular, mundane, maybe I could recalibrate this unsustainable thought process, Slow it from 100 mph, to a steady 30… But in the end I had to relent, I find myself rushing the picture, making jerky rookie blunders,. Instead of the required soft layering of water colour pigment, im blobbing great spots of sludge coloured paint, distraction never far away…..I gave in or is that up, who knows?, I hate doing this,, but better that than ruin the picture as a whole, there’s none of that desired tranquillity, soft even breaths, instead I’m restless and agitated ..it’s then I go out into the garden to feed Russell…Russell the crow, whose been stood honking loudly for his belated breakfast for at least the last hour, (I know not a very original name, but what started out as a dull joke has stuck fast 😁.,

Russell waddles about nonchalantly over in the distance, Watching my every move, he’s slowly becoming braver these days, he pretends to pick at things in the road, an interesting piece of twig, bright pebble, all the while I see his beautiful beady eye flicker in recognition. I throw bits of fruit, nuts and meat out for him and his family, I realise to some crows are not the sort of garden bird they encourage,(preferring instead the little colourful finch, or cheeky sparrows.. but I can’t help but think Corvids as a species are amazing, and uber intelligent, Then there’s the purples, iridescent green or blue that gleams on their dark wing feathers, those bright eyes that don’t miss a bloody thing, don’t get me started on their mischievous natures, I really enjoy watching them play, especially Russell’s family, their two chicks, will often pick up a twig, pass it back and forth, a raucous crying will begin, when the other wants it back, the hop skip and jump, it’s like watching hyper kids on a sugar rush …well it amuses me anyhow.. This simple, down to earth act, resets my exhausted mind, I watch Russell from the living room window, he tells the larger Chick to go get his own piece of chicken in no uncertain terms, the peeved rejected youngster attemps to appeal to Mrs Russell who gives him short shrift, after getting no joy there either, hops off to bully the younger sibling… Family life really😁. ….

I still feel restless about not being able to focus on my painting, it has become more than just a passing hobby over the months, with the worry of my health, it has become a much needed grounding, like standing out in the garden without shoes, only without getting muddy feet😁…Normally though I get at least two hours peace, two hours of not having all my attention focused on a lump in my breast, the beast within, threats from the grim reaper following me around, ready to pounce at any vulnerable moment., The threat of Cancer isn’t just about the physical, it’s that constant emotional, mental drip fed drain, I tire so easier these days, pulling your mind back from the well of despair endless times a day will do this…it’s getting harder to achieve, I fight it constantly, it’s about strength of wills now, so far mine’s stronger…

I’ve painted nearly every day now since January 1st of the year,. In the very beginning it was somewhat half hearted, a challenge, another half hearted new years resolution I wasn’t ever really intending to keep, but over the weeks it blossomed into so much more, taking on a life of its own, an outlet for frustrated creativity perhaps, more essential yet, i find myself in a hiding place within in its depths, almost as if along with painting a landscape, I create myself another world, a better one, far far away from Humanity, Cancer, the endless pain and uncertainty of EDS, here i find a freedom, almost the same as when I would walk for hours,. I can’t count the hours that have just vanished miraculously!!, My head bent over yet another sheet of paper, manipulating colour to match my ideals, Originally this was to be something I would do each day for a year, to improve as an artist, to grow, maybe even just a hobby, but it has become so very much more, it’s a portal to my memories, a life within a life, a rope ladder from a burning building, my next breath while I wait breathe normally again, a place of peace, all this while grabbing new knowledge greedily,. To what outcome?, oh why you asking me!!!!!, I don’t know she says spreading her hands exasperated, maybe now it’s took on that life, it just wants to exist, we have become as one, symbiotic, I need it as an escape on this journey, it needs me to bring it to life….here’s to another thousand hours of glorious creative mess, of union with paint n paper, frustration of wondering where my next inspiration will hail from, and will I ever live to be good enough, all these answers I may never find out, but painting for another year or a thousand hours has become at least one certainty on which I can count…….Many thanks for reading, look after yourself and take care of you xx💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛.

Dear Diary ….Rain sweet Rain.

After a very late dinner of left over Chilli, (delicious) I sat trying to work out, what my next painting/drawing would involve, exactly, if it’s a picture I’ve found that intrigues, I like to study it for a while, find the pitfalls so to speak, (my weaknesses), Everything is still so new in one way, yet again after eight months, it surely should be second nature right?, Not!!!, I have to nag myself constantly….do you want this or not Treez?, Answers invariably a resounding yes and with bells attached…I’ve hungered to be an artist for a lifetime, Since I sat in front of a tiny made up easel with my Dad Saturday afternoons, my five year old self scrawling out harsh pencil scribbles upon a scrap of paper, holding it up after in my dad’s face to inspect😁, he always encouraged. Whilst my father a competent painter, flowed blended oil paint across the canvas, ….I inherited much from my dear father, but his artistic bent, sadly avoiding me altogether, it’s only recently after starting out on my own journey, Ive learnt, it’s a sad fact that only 10% of artists are born, the rest of us have to earn it the hard way….with the care bear stare….😁😁😁, no not really 😁, with practice..practice practice practice…and after eight long months, one pallet of water colour paints, three sketch books, endless ripped out pages and much French!!!!!, Fluent now., I’m still only on the novice level, my endless patience, a thing of the past, thrown in the bin with my last piece of work.

But as usual I digress muchly, my mind tends to wander somewhat, quite nomad fashion, going walk about…But as I studied my latest victim..I mean picture, I kept hearing this low rumbling sound, now I know it wasn’t my stomach, although chilli can have that effect on the best of us😁,…No this sounded muted, or distant, .At first I took it as the Guy who lives above me(no not “the big man”😁),, but my neighbour moving stuff about his flat, so i gave it no more thought, that was until it became more persistent, …Curiosity finally out weighing my resolve to study,(as so much does😁, Reluctantly I got up and looked out of my living room window, ……Oh boy was I in for a surprise, the dams had finally broken….three months of drought, over in a quick flash, ok several flashes, spectacular big blue light up the sky type, much loud crashes, and enough water falling from the sky that I couldn’t see across the road, to top this off as I stood in my doorway trying to film the proceedings for Jesse, I had a free shower of my own thrown in, literally thrown in though😁, My tiny street now coming with its own fast flowing river, I’m not sure I remember that bit on the tenancy agreement, or come to think of it, the brand new water feature cascading down from a long ago broken guttering…My poor plants that had valiantly survived the long hot summer, now having to take their chances amid the driving rain… sighs

But despite everything you won’t hear me complaining, We need this rain so desperately, the grass here had long since been scorched, anything that had managed to hang on in there now crispy wisps of yellowing hay, . Trees were suffering dreadfully, it depressed me no end to watch their leaves curl up in on themselves,only to wither and drop onto the ground, born away by a sultry hot breezy days and relentless dry nights, eventually in some last ditch effort at survival, dropping their larger limbs in order for the main trunk to concentrate all its remaining resources on subsistence.

I felt the droughts lasting effect keenly on my own little border of wild meadow flowers,. I had been so proud of its lusty growth just a few weeks before, its now laying flat, brown, crisp and burnt, Red clover, yellow Trefoil, yellow Rattle, the usually hardy Blue chicory, Poppies, Scabious, foxglove, and many more, both leaves and flowers baked brown, brittle and dead, it’s been all I could do, to keep going the few pots of plants right outside the front of my flat, they had become more essential now than ever, especially for the visiting butterflies, bees, wasp and hoverflies, although i had watched those visits gradually dropping off over the last few weeks. Before my wee garden had been awash with the common Cabbage white, Common Blue, Brimstone, Tortoise shell, red Admiral, Peacock butterflies to name but a few,. The deep scarlet poppies which I admired so much, had until last week been covered in the bustling attentions of hover flies, now nothing, just silence.!!!!!!

When the weather did finally cool, I felt myself exhale, taking that long drawn out breath, I hadn’t even been aware until now of holding in even, it felt when the temperatures soared, we all paused come noon, no birds sang, no bees hummed, children and dogs fell earily silent, only the sound of the brave little grass hoppers song persisted in throughout the heat. Apart from watering the garden, taking care of the local birds I hid away from the glare, pulling my curtains after lunch, pretending to read a book, the heat finally making me give way to a restless sleep, this pattern pretty soon became my daily routine, up at 4am cold shower, anything that needed doing , done before the sun woke, afternoon siesta, it worked.😁

It took its toll on me most mentally, hiding away in the dark for hours at a time, not able to walk in the local fields, sent my depression spiralling, between this and the ever increasing fear that I had tried to bury deeply away of the painful lump in my breast, distracting myself with activities, now I had hours alone with just my thoughts, those bloody awful What ifs,, You cannot prepare yourself for the mental toll it takes, there is and was no escape..Facing up to this is harder when you spend hours in your own company, dominating last thing at night or in those very early mornings, didn’t help I was living partially in darkness during the day, I couldn’t work out, if it was the darkness of the rooms or the screaming blacks(depression) getting an ever increasing strangle hold over me,. Maybe both

What I did know was, what I had used, just weeks previous was now no longer working,(I broke it) I had art projects half finished, dark thoughts pushed in and eclipsed any and all creativity, asking invasive questions of me, Like what’s the point of this again?, Why are you trying to create pictures that you won’t get to enjoy?, It would be just your luck Treez that you would get to a stage with art you loved only to get yanked off this mortal coil, how rude!, this and nagging little demon thoughts invaded relentlessly, I could no longer out run it or hide …..goodness knows I tried, thinking up endless useless chores until either pain or exhaustion took over, even sleep bought little escape,….

Death itself holds no fear over my head, I’m not scared of you Mr Reaper, respect yes, fear never…but the thought of not seeing My children again, not seeing Jesse fills me with more pain the both EDS, Cancer or any of my illnesses combined, it wrecks my very soul, there were days I couldn’t breathe with the pain of it, I had to work to take that very next breathe, ….yes death would bring release from the endless physical pain I was born into, but nothing compares to the pain of missing those you love, or that walk amidst nature, sharing the earth with all I hold dear…this I don’t mind confessing scares the hell outta me…

It’s still ever present daily, tapping me on the shoulder with its arsenal of grief bullets, getting me out of no where like a demented sniper…if I ever manage to distract it, which for the most part, I can and do😁, it hits back harder, it’s a sodding dirty fighter…What about never holding Jess again then huh?, holding his hand, sharing those silly jokes, getting up in the middle of the night to drive for the hell of it…yup it knows how to hit back, then there’s never seeing my daughter again, jeez it’s a cruel tortuous wee beastie…

Without art though, Jess, my family, I know full well i would be sunk, they are my constancy, …One of the pictures Ive paint many times over is of a lighthouse, I wondered why in the beginning,because it was unconsciously done, now it makes perfect sense, My loved ones, nature is/are my guiding lights, when the world threatens to drown me, the darkness suffocate, there they are, beacons shining so brightly, no matter where my mind makes me wander, they bring me home again. The age old candle in the window Warmth in the chill.

Yesterday thanks muchly to the storms efforts, the air was cooler, clearer, and I infact took my first tentative steps outside in over a month, it felt so very good, yes I hurt physically, but it was so bloody worth it, I feel for those who do not share my love affair with all things outdoors, standing under trees even briefly, filled me with a sense of much needed peace, I cannot begin to explain this, won’t try, but it’s always been so, Since I escaped my mother’s clutches at the tender age of five years old and went feral for some hours, until now, today the intensity of the screaming blacks are down to the mewling greys, I’ve got this!,. In a while I hope to escape into another project, my mind hopefully focussing on creation, sat in front of an open window, light throwing pretty shadows across the page, getting by, minute after minute, hour after hour, until another day is won, and I leave lifes arena still battle scarred and bloodied, but alive none the less. The love from those I hold close my sword, if you made it thus far I thank you for your company, and as I bid you a fond farewell, wishes for a peaceful weekend, please look after you, take care folks x, 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💚💚💚💚💛💛💚💚💛💛💚💚💚

Dear diary..the undecided

Tuesday June 30th

It’s early, very early in fact, with very limited sleep, I choose to rise and go about the routine that’s stood me in good stead for many years now, First I turn on the water heater, then click on that other vital water heater, the most important one, I might add…”the kettle”, I half listen for that tell tale click sound, letting me know it’s going about its job, working, that same sound sets off a sequence of events for the day, While I wait, I look out of the living room window, nose pressed against the cool glass, checking on my garden, “What’s todays weather”?, I see the sky is overcast, a silvery platinum grey covering, with it maybe a promise of some very welcome summer rain, but apart from this all is quite normal, or is it?…

The beginning…March

With the event of spring, the renewal of life, waking of earth, a change creeps slowly upon me, deep in the night while I slept curled up peacefully…I have witnessed so many betrayals throughout my years, and face each and every one, head on,. this thing was to be different though wasn’t it?, this chose its timing well, a vulnerable time, While I dreamt of my loved ones, safe, secure. ….Roughly an hour after falling into sound sleep, I was awakened by a sudden sharp pain in my left breast…it was painful enough to disturb me for some seconds, before i drifted back off, thinking little to nothing of it again…. Some days were to pass by quite uneventfully enough, everything in its place, But in this i was mistaken, lulled by life’s mundane silences…fooled again into a false sense of security.

Just days later as I bent down to retrieve something from the floor,there was a sharp sudden pain deep within my chest, it was infact considerable enough to stop me mid movement, for me to rub the area, Only this time I was fully awake, I could not pass off the event as an unwelcome dream disturbance…No instead this was most real….of all the things I fear,. night creatures, demons and shadows, all the things Im most vigilant about…this walked silently, stealthily into my life..it was though infact, an old enemy, One I had done battle and defeated some 23 years since, ….Over those years I have grown sloppy, no longer looking around corners for it to creep up…that silent viper in my Bosom….literally!

But there it was, is, a painful lump…at first I was going to say I held my secret to my chest, 😊 but it thats how it was,…I needed to process this information, sit with it….I heard the voices within my head, voices of those of whom love me, Go to the doctors, Go get it checked out….it will all be fine, you,’ll be fine…But as much as this would have been good advice, I just couldn’t bring myself to hear it…it’s the right advice for sure, advice I would tell every man or woman facing this self same dilemma…but this was my thing, personal to me, me alone, my decision…I didn’t want it taken out of my hands like the previous time, from the moment I presented with it to my GP, every decision was taken out of my hands, I was no longer Theresa, I was A Cancer patient…I was a diagnosis, therefore I must be cured…I wasn’t asked, consulted, involved, it was cold, clinical, devoid of all humanity, indeed dignity…I was no longer Treez with the wicked sense of humour, slightly, well ok extremely eccentric, whacky, different….I had cancer, therefore from that moment on, I was nothing more…the had Cancer defined me…took over me as it grew within…

So here’s the thinking in my mind, I need time, time!!!! most of you are saying right now, but Treez you don’t have time to borrow…..No maybe not, or just maybe I do, I don’t know, honestly I dont….But for some months now walking, daily living has become exceptionally painful, I’m in pain 24/7, I know of nothing else, yes I can do pain, I have done since my birth…EDS, Ehlers Danlos, will do that…its not voluntarily, but I meet it in every arena, I may get bruised, bloodied, but I stand ready for the next fight, never flinching from the constraints, the pain monsters talons….The only thing now is walking has become almost impossible, and how I love to walk people, ….Even if it is just to the local park, where i can sit a spell, amid the trees, recharging my being, filling up my batteries, no matter how bad life gets, how ill I become, I find myself without knowing why, walking my way to the nearest patch of trees and grass..it’s been my thing since my mum first lost me at four years old😁 ….I had strayed …went walk about, feral, Only to return an hour later from my adventures over a local field…almost as if it was the most natural thing in the world, because of course it was….it is..I cannot imagine a time I havnt done this exact thing….I need it, its sustenance, like the very air in my lungs…without this?, well there is no without, I cannot imagine a world without this in it…you may as well cage me up and lose the key, I’m a product of nature, a wild thing…I’m that bare foot, wild haired, gypsy hugging a tree, talking to bees, birds, conversing with butterflies, it’s all ingrained in my soul ……

So what’s one thing to got do with the other?, Well let me try to explain, i suppose in my conscious or unconscious mind, (in vaults locked away somewhere, I’m unsure of what I want yet, not want exactly… More need. If I visit my doctors, the ability to decide for myself, will be over in a minute, stolen from me, I’m not ready to relinquish control over myself, it’s my body, the one thing I posses thats truly mine, the rest, we rent while we reside on this planet, and I don’t want that…I’m not saying I’m ready to give up either, because that’s never further from the truth…I will fight this thing with every fibre of my being, I meet it head on most days, I look it in the eye, I don’t fear it, death is no longer the unspoken demon for me…it’s a certainty….but I also need the embrace of mother nature, the comfort it provides, it succours my exhausted body like a mother, unstintingly, generously. I call upon it more these days, relying heavily on its grace……compare this if you will, to sterile hospital wards, equally cold sterile people and a cold shiver goes up my spine…it scares me, more than the Cancer…

Don’t get me wrong, I have sat under my favourite Sycamore tree, back resting against its strong trusty bark, thinking so is this it?, What am I to expect now?, Shall I buy those shoes I want?, read that book, will there be time?, am I in fact watching time slip between my fingers, like an oversized hour glass, ….is there a manual for this?, A YouTube video?, Has anyone wrote a book about facing death, ….Most days I go about life quite normally, as I said upfront, my routine is my saviour, it holds me steadfast in a world Im unsure of, shaky ground, It’s all so new and I hate change😉😊…Up until now this has been my secret and mine alone…I guess if I’m honest I didn’t want anyone to treat me differently, as they did before, never meeting my eye, avoiding my touch, walking away when they saw me, …..there,s a line in the Robbie Williams song, Feel…come and hold my hand, I want to contact the living, this speaks volumes to my heart right now. As it did it did once before….

I don’t know why I’m writing all this, except I suppose in the remote hope some one anyone will understand me…do you know what’s odd?, In middle of thoughts of death and dying I’ve never felt more at one with the planet I live on, with the animals, plant life, I’ve never felt so alive in my life, more hungry for more….I still don’t know what I’m doing with this thing, but I’m at one with it, I don’t want sympathy, i hate that..never feel sorry for me, because right now I’m the richest of people, feeling more in the moment than I have a right too….what I want more than anything is acceptance, trust for me to know what’s best for me, as I said earlier this is not me being defeated, this if anything its my battle cry, I’ve painted my face, love is my shield, and in ready to commence war ….all I ask?, is if your in this with me allow me to know what I need, what’s best for me, stand at my side with honesty, love and not judgement….

For my loved ones, I hadn’t kept this quiet because I didn’t want you to know, it’s just I needed this time, yes maybe it was selfish, but illness is, it’s insular, a quiet time for reflection, a peaceful time for coming to terms,…and I truly have…for giving me space and time I can’t thank you enough, I have the bloody best people in my life….now that’s out there I can get back to normal …😁, yes I said that, well as normal as I get anyhow….😁😁😁😁. Take care of you.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛.

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A prelude to spring….March🌼

I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m not fooled…Spring!, Its playing with us..I can’t help but sense winter is out there still lurking…it will hide out in the Highlands, woods and rural areas until we change over our winter wardrobe for spring and summer, then cover up our lovely sprouting brave flowers in a layer of whiteness….think you getting me huh!!!, I’ve dusted off two light weight jackets that’s as far as I’m going until at least may, mother nature has a wicked sense of humour😏😁.

On Monday despite the biting high winds, or was that inspite of I never know at the time., What was apparent though was this all consuming need to leave the confines of the flat, there are those days cabin fever takes hold the greatest, Nature being the bossy hussy she is, that alluring Siren, she softly calls my name, and I go to her most willingly, we almost have this symbiotic relationship at times…Mother nature puts on her spring concert…and while admiring her greatest creations my batteries charge to the max…

Walking about the still rain sodden grass, I picked my way gingerly over to the more sheltered areas offered freely by the local assortment of trees, Ash, Sycamore, Silver birch, and Beech trees despite having no leaves to speak of yet form a welcome barrier between myself and the whipping wind…it not only blew through my jacket, but stung my cheeks, I could feel the warm glow across my face as I walk, A lot would infer insanity going out in it and who knows just maybe their right, but since my very early years escaping the claustrophobic feel of concrete walls was oft times one of necessity, needed for my well being…there are times these same walls I go to for a sense of safety, claw at my peace, with echoes of the past,cold hard restrictions looming high above me, a prison ….a nice prison mostly with soft furnishings, but one I have break out of none the less….

It was hard to stay upright as my feet slip and slide upon the wet ground, finding it heavy going, I tire easier than when I walk usually, Stopping often to not only take pictures of the bright citrus clumps of yellow daffodils being buffeted cruelly by the harsh winds, but to get my own breath back., Today those daffys are not just nodding their golden heads, their bowing deep into their grassy beds, like they also are trying hard to escape the worst., White silky plum tree petals are blown way across the field like so much confetti, harking on the wedding between the end of winter and subtle beginning of spring, for these short weeks they coexist,…

Dense carpets of early violets fair far better, sheltered from the worst, by solid stoic tree trunks, brushy copses of Sloes, Elder and May, I watch as tiny Wren, chubby Blue tits and Robin pause for a lull before bravely risking flight to the next limb….Magpie cackle maniacally almost laughing at them, being larger can’t help their cause much though, sitting high up on tops of swaying trees…I felt almost seasick just watching them😁, think they feel the same as I pick my way slowly on the boggy grass, like a drunken sailor aboard ship stumbling to keep upright….

I was soon at my favourite spot, Its almost tunnel like, a space you walk through or maybe thats under😁, but with a canopy of trees above you, it feels safe, protective even…today they dance in the cool wind, creaking and groaning, skeletal limbs aloft….as I go through the dark corridor, I pause to rest against an old gnarly Elder, Its trunk knotted and twisted around itself, it’s beautiful none the less, I’ve endless pictures, captured in different seasons, from it undress in winter devoid of leaf, pale fresh green spring bud, to its leafy green splender of summer resplendent with frothy white heads of sweet musky flowers, …my hands run against its sharp bark, and as I rest my hand upon its knotty skin, I feel it bend and sway, Its branches clattering against themselves, and it’s through this grand old elder I feel the true power of the wind, my hand swaying with its movement..I feel part of the elements at force…in its core….if you still think it’s madness then so be it…but momentarily I felt at one with something far bigger than my imagination can ever begin to comprehend, bigger than the self, Its small reminder of how small and insignificant we really are….

I love these walks, my body hurts and protests after but in my head and heart I’m never more alive, my veins still singing with nature’s goodness, just parking my butt under one huge old Birch tree, resting my back against its strength, the sun making one of its rare appearance during the week, my feet divested of shoes, toes ticked by cool grass, eyes closed, listening to the sweet songs of birds, who were full of excitement for the warm scent of spring, singing loudly just because….big fat lazy bees hovered the grass humming along with their own tune….I heard in that one hour a hundred different voices, not a one human…what a privilege ….and in this world where we struggle to make ends meet….this is all free….anyhow enough of my jabbering I hope your all well, enjoying your weekend…whatever your doing, stay warm, stay well and look after you…. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Reposeful under the Sapphire sky.

On waking yesterday, I had pretty much already decided that it was more than time for me brave elements, and with it the great outdoors once again….In truth it’s been weeks since I have walked, Slowly slipping in hibernation mode, the warmth and allure of my soft fleece blankets, good books , endless weeks of rain only aided and abetted my indolence, ..it’s so easy to fall into that Patten, one day becomes two, a week, month, until your left looking out of a window, saying to yourself oh yes that’s what it looks like, fine done that and go about your business😁, both myself and Jesse are just a wee bit too fond of this, we have our comfort, each other for company peopling just seems like a trial really.

But if nothing else once I make my mind up to do a thing, it will be done, Drinking that mornings caffeine intake, dark strong exceptionally hot😁😁😁😁, I needed that boost of energy if I was to ever make it out the door,let alone walking.., . But before then I had to hunt down a pair of shoes suitable for the occasion…as I intimated earlier here in good old Blighty rain has been in somewhat ample supply, (ok being non stop from October really😁… So also in plentiful abundance you have Mudddd!!!!, Lots of mud,….Most of my trainers are nearly new, plus more suitable for sedate ladies partaking of light summer promenading😁, Not sloshing up to your ankles in mud puddles, muck and slush….can’t help it, never have been a lady….Eventually I knew there was nothing else for it, I won’t have to brave the bedroom cupboard cave, I thought if nothing else though the chill in there would acclimate me to outdoors, it having it’s own weather system.😁, as well as woman eating tarantulas, ok large spiders.

Head torch on, hoodie donned, it felt more like I was going cave diving, not braving the bloody cupboard😁, there’s nothing like a good rummage around in the dark is there?….after coming across several pairs of indoor slippers, two left feet fluffy lined crocs 🙄🤔, I finally hit the jackpot….muddy trainers….Muddy trainers I had long since forgotten about, conveniently hidden away in a bag from last year….hangs head in shame😔, perfect!, they were now dried of course, plus the dirt would either drop off while on my walk or get encased in a fresh coating, either way suited really….I left these outside the front door, silently hoping two of my pigeons would find them and build a large nest….couldn’t go out then could i🙄😁😁😁😁, But least wise, while out at the door looking up at the sky, the dark shaggy grey clouds had finally long gone, the sky now a beautiful Cerulean blue, even I couldn’t help but feel somewhat inspired….

Washed, dressed, and mud covered shoes upon my feet, it was too late to have a change of heart, grabbing Jesse in phone land, tucking him safe and warm in his crochet pouch we set off, I hadn’t gone that far, before feeling every muscle in my body, they protested, aching and burned, for want of long overdue exercise…I thanked the gods for my walking cane, which I now leant upon heavily, What was though to prove a more than pleasant surprise, the early morning air, not only fresh, but mild, the wintry bite on temporary pause. The heat of the sun warm and soothing on my tense muscles, despite the aches It felt good to be outdoors once more even briefly…

Renewal….

As I made my way down the length of the local alleyway between two rows of houses, I began to see certain signs of an early spring, Spears of delicate purple and ghostly white crocus poking bravely between clods of claggy mud and grass, the old wild grown plum tree, at the end of the pathway now awash with tiny white star shaped blossoms, Sulphur yellow daffodils nodding their sleepy bent trumpeted heads, Periwinkle, blue anemones, pink, red and purple Cyclamen almost sparkling with colour against the dark cool soil.. Birds not to be outdone were also full of Joy, hearing their clear crisp voices filling the air, a cacophony of sound to feast the ears upon,. Without knowledge, i slowed my pace, stopping every once in a while, smelling some blossom, running my hands over dew covered leaves, sprouting branches, and of course take those ubiquitous pictures, lotsa pictures…..

lack of exercise meant I soon found myself tiring all too easily, but I walked on anyway knowing for sure my bench was just up in front. I’ve spent many a half hour there, throughout the seasons…Today I was grateful for its sturdy presence, sitting letting the warm breeze flow gently over my skin, leaning back, closing my eyes a while the better to listen to the birdsong completely, As the sun shone upon my face I felt my batteries charge, my own personal solar panel refuelling, breathing deep clear air into my body…it’s strange how part of me loves the safety and sanctity of home, And yet more importantly, to refill, recharge, id go so far as to say even exist, I need to be outdoors amid nature, growing things, to feel the earth breathe beneath my bare feet, the sun on my skin, breeze in my hair…I maybe in my Autumn years, but at heart I will always be nature’s child, feral, wild and free.

whatever your up to this wet weekend, take care of you, enjoy time with those you love, but why not take a few minutes with a cuppa to spend amid the spring flowers….bye for now x 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

Ever have one of those days folks, ever have one of those days?…or weeks, months

So it’s come to this….

Its that time of year again, no not that one, the other one😁….I was thinking more along the lines when I have to renew my rental contract with my landlord, it’s not normally that much of an issue, (Note “the normally”), .Numerous Emails are involved, they cross back and forth between myself and the agent, There im asked complicated questions like, are you wishing to stay in situ?, Or Everything ok?,. Ok yes….. then sign here and don’t darken our doorstep ever again, I certainly wont, dont. Because We have this brilliant understanding between us, going way back,,, they don’t bother me and I’m certainly not going anywhere near them unless something demands it…, ugh it involves far too much peopling….

Changes that stay the same….

Anyhow that is the usual Modus operandi….But now because of these wondrous Brand new shiny renters rights acts, with its fabulous list of rules and regulations, things have infact altered, What’s worse is its to the detriment of tenants, (that will be me then), the very same people it was supposed to be protecting…(Oh Why do they insist on messing about with a working system?). So originally I would hop and skip along to sign a piece of paper along the dotted line, With it’s overload of small print , blurry words this is called a yearly contract, normally a long term contract.. I add my squiggle signature or cross whichever!… But not now folks…oh no.. Now apparently, I have all these fancy new things, called tenants rights sighs,…But this is the odd part…from now on in instead of yearly renting, we are doing monthly….Soooo you ask?, Well think on this for a mminute or three, at any point, any moment in time, I can become in effect homeless, there’s no longer any security…. Anddddd added joy of joys, on top of this, my Rent has gone up for the privilege, …lovely!!!!!!!, if you ask me this puts all the rights firmly into the owners corner🤔.

So Ive decided just in case, I’m going to be all pro wotsit, I’m going to do a preliminary investigation…. investigational hat on firmly on head…..I’m searching the intertubes daily for other rental properties, Ones that may still do long term letting, And to my surprise, ney delight!, yes there are some out there still available, not only this, some even offer more bang for my buck, or is that more buck for a bang….ewwww errr Mrs…😁….What does that all actually mean I wonder?, I dunno😁, …but.in my case it’s very simple, another bedroom😮😊, Yes instead of a less than a 40 square foot box, with one lilliputian sized bedroom with ensuite cave spider cupboard.. .., There’s these things called real sized homes out there😮, With kitchens and bathrooms inclusiveoh my who knew!?, . Not letting anything hold me back, I set about sending out emails, …Last Friday I viewed the first.

Friday………the 13th😮😱

Over the years I like to think, I have left this superstition quite firmly in the junk drawer, amid the myriad of phone cords, insulation tape, screws and other things that you think will come in handy at some point in your lifetime, but never actually use again…ever!…Viewing Friday the 13th, quite like walking under a ladder, a black cat crossing my path, saying good morning Mr magpie….oh hang on I still do that one….ok, well what can I say,, I like Magpies😁. Anyhow after an extremely short phone call, I find myself invited along to view a very pretty little cottage, that Friday coming,…I’m so thrilled, I didn’t note the actual date,… that came later, much later, it wasn’t in fact until I wrote the date upon my calendar, the day screamed at me in big bold capital shouty letters, this should have been a warning for what was to come..😁,. But I had so loved all the pictures upon the estate agents website, it looked bloody near perfect,,,, for me anyhow, …..For the next three days, I studied, drooled, revisited each and every last picture numerous times daily, imaging my furniture, curtains and rugs dotted about the place…rightly or wrongly in my head I had in effect moved in….yeah I know I was just asking for trouble. .

The big day arrives….

I hardly slept Thursday night, beset by a culmination of emotions, mainly excitement and nerves,…at precisely 5am I could take no more, by 6am I had already necked three large strong coffees, my nerves well and truly stoked, left eye twitching wildly, lets not mention the countless trips to the bathroom….plus there was actually still 7 hours to go before I had to leave….😁😁😁😁😁. I showered, sprayed, primped, until both myself and the tiny apartment had this shimmering toxic haze of Sandalwood body mist, deodorant and mint shower Gel..I was determined to knock them off their feet, create a lasting impression, that or Gas them out….I was hoping more for the first naturally,….I tried on numerous combinations of clothes, opting in the end for warmth and comfort….

My Ride there pulled up outside promptly at 1pm, (the appointment being 2:30pm, it left us with plenty of time for the journey over….or so we originally thought🙃🙄, ….while out we decided to stop off at boots to pick up my prescription, big bloody mistake, massive!, ….it all looked so positive in the planning. Huh😃😃😃😃.!, That’s what you know Treez, Firstly I had to wait in line at the chemist for over 15 years….ok slight exaggeration for effect there folks, but in fairness it was 15 minutes in the end.., just felt far longer….I get to the front finally, give my date of birth, address, colour of my underwear😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, The chemist walks off to check that it’s waiting for me…..comes back with the smallest box known to man, whether it was the stress, just miscalculation, I won’t ever know, (probably over indulgence of caffeine)..but I proceeded to walk away, leaving the premises….I’m about to walk over to the waiting car when it finally dawns on me, I really should check the meds are correct before leaving…. Which I did, wishing I hadn’t, but did…..don’t ask….sighs, by now it’s getting late, I need to keep this 2:30 appointment or die trying…..could very well go either way at this point…

I rush back to my patiently waiting driver, who is still sat in his vehicle, he has by now aged nearly 15 years, grown a fabulous ZZ top beard and is filling out forms for his state pension,😁.,…As we finally get the journey underway, every variety of vehicle throughout the decades, seems to want to appear upon the road at that precise moment…Every red light seem stuck on well screaming red!!!!, Sure it wasn’t but it seemed that way…queues form at every single set of traffic lights, we were going to be cutting it so so fine… Dark steel grey heavy clouds finally erupt with slanting rain, Tractors , lorries go a speedy ten mile an hour, pull out at every turning…I’m convinced ar one point, an old dear with her walker shoots passed us, leaving us sitting in her dust waving her oversized handbag…I feared we were not going to make our deadline., Or any other again!

Trust the process …..who said this clearly didnt….

The sarcastic voice on the Sat nav, who has also had enough by now, sneers as she informs us we might well want to turn left at the next turning, I swear I waited for an insult at the end there….😁, to top things off there’s absolutely no where to park outside the house, just a minute square of muddy quagmire….As I jump out to let them know we have finally arrived, I promptly land in the deepest mud puddle, coating My freshly cleaned boots…oh well!!!😁 .My poor driver by now is understandably in pieces, but goes off valiantly to try and find parking within a five miles radius…good luck!…..

The house….

The house in itself was to prove a delight, infact everything I could of and would have wished for in a prospective new home, Ok far smaller than the photos so cleverly depict…but I really did love it, … I could have easily moved in then and there….even though it was quirky as hell, The tiny back garden was actually at the front, so that left what I took to be front garden, being at the back, or was that the front…oh I don’t know anything anymore🙃…..Even the diminutive lass showing us around, looked equally as confused, I stayed until a now red faced and exhausted driver caught up with us…finally finding a corner to park in… the whole thing taking less than ten minutes in total….we left it to be decided ….thank goodness as it happens…

Pass the tin hats….

The car was neatly tucked away around the corner, so we didn’t have far to go to get out of the pouring rain, …As we approach, a rather large irate man walks toward us, he does not look happy, not at all…. and we don’t even get to the car before he makes his feelings well and truly known….more F bombs going off, than when I stub my toe, which I do frequently by the way🙄…His finger stabbing the air violently, pointing at a set of gates,… I look over at them, ” don’t think I help by saying ” oh yes dear their very nice I say, “, hoping to deflect.his masculiness…he then screams are you bloody blind?… , Im so so tempted to say yes actually😁, then ask my driver to aid me to the driving side….it was all I could do not too….the guy by now was a fetching shade of deep purple, Veruca Salt had nothing on him….I kept expecting band of tiny oopmah lompahs to appear at any moment, carting him off….but we were not to be that fortunate, he waved his arms around enough for me to almost break into a Venga boys song…,thought we had accidentally hit a rave… spitting out more fire and brimstone than the local vicar on a Sunday service, we waited patiently for a final break in the tempest….I apologised profusely, trying to explain the situation, but nothing could placate our own Mr angry…he steadily worked himself up to a full frenzy, spouting did we know how many times people had parked outside those gates, I wonder could we call a friend for the answer., He then rants on about how he needed to be somewhere and was now late…..I know it well I mumble unhelpful…, I wouldn’t mind but his car is parked in front of ours…nothing stopping him pulling away, .. If he would just shut up and get in his car we could all get to where we were going…….and out of this rain☔….

We do finally manage to escape though, leaving behind the man still waving his arms windmill fashion, I’m wondering just how much electricity he could generate with those flaying biceps of his?….🤔…., We decide to stop off before going home, there’s an Aldi nearby, I need just a few bits for over the weekend….it’s nearly 4pm at this point in time, so I’m in and out of that shop quicker than a quick thing…. it’s still raining….of course it is…the skies laden with more, People are rushing about, cars come at you from all directions, I realise it’s Friday night, of that I’m by now fully aware, but I’m wondering why the hurry, am I missing something here?😁,

It takes a full fifteen minutes to slowly make our way out of the carpark, the entrance being wonderfully located at a busy t junction, it’s also school pick up time….there’s cars flying about with angry impatient drivers, horns beeping, fists flaying and all we want is a wee pause in the endless stream of cars to get out.pleaseeeee!….no ones being that helpful….it took longer to exit the car park than for me to shop….let’s just get home!!!!!…….We drive the rest of the way back in exhaustive silence…rain smashing against the Windows, the wipers hypnotic in their bid to keep the vision clear…by the time I reach home, I never want to leave again…..I sit quietly still trying to process the day an hour later….Debbie texts how about we go out for coffee in the week…….oh hell!!!!!!😁, but I go…. …whatever your up to this weekend folks, stay warm, stay safe and look after yourself💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛.

The empty nest…

It was back two weeks ago now whilst I was sat indulging two of my favourite pastimes,, reading and drinking coffee, that my leisure time was rudely interrupted, by this loud consistent tapping sound, I got up checked about the flat, searching high and low for unexploded bombs, dripping water, or death watch Beatles trying to slowly invade the walls😁, but thank goodness, i couldn’t find anything of the sort, So slightly perturbed still, I went back to reading about swash buckling men racing hell for leather across craggy Cornish cliff tops, upon fiery black steeds, waving about their pistols, daggers and sabres….in other words Poldark by Graham Winston, yeah I know doesn’t sound half as exciting does it lol?, But it was a good read…

Five minutes on, and the sound began once more, only this time louder, more insistent, I tried ignoring it, for all of about a milisecond, before I became far too intrigued, (ok nosy😊. Reluctantly leaving captain Poldark to his own devices upon my bed😮, I got up once more, only this time the sound was more intense…I followed it’s source, walking slowly, stealthily upon tiptoe, hoping to creep up on whatever was causing the commotion. As I walked toward the living room window, the sound grew louder, not only the tapping, flapping sounds now, but this time intermingled with a high pitch peeping., I opened the front door with all haste,😁 great flourish even, tahdahhhhh type you know!?, There to find Goria ….. And Gloria is one of my semi feral pigeons, I say Semi feral as Muggins here has been roped into feeding them up to and over four times daily, Yes I know Pigeons are not always popular, hated even. And I get that, but my little band have quite literally eaten their way into my heart…they are quick, clever and extremely loyal to their extended family units….I can most definitely recognise each individual bird, via a wing pattern colouring etc, some are more brazen with asking for food than others, each and every one gets its own name, Some will come when called, like Walter, Gloria, Red, Nigel, or Alice, others wait in the wings no pun intended🙄😃.

Gloria is one of my favourites, her and her mate Walter will quite often follow me around outside while I’m gardening, if they see me coming back from a walk they run towards me,,like winged puppies, it’s so bloody cute honestly😁….But I digress somewhat, Gloria was outside my door flapping wildly at a young juvenile male, Ive named Gilbert…I thought at first he had crossed the line, trying to get fresh, yeah it happens…(pigeons will mate for life if given the opportunity) and her and Walter were tightly bonded…but as I watched them, the peeping sound grew almost fever pitched. I looked around me, there to my left, hidden behind a row of my plant containers, sat huddled, was a squab (baby pigeon), hunched against the cold, Gloria fending off all comers and very distressed….

it all too soon became obvious that although the little one was fully feathered, he was also still sporting a downy yellow ring of baby feathering about his neck, like a soft boa😊, what was not so good, for although he flapped, he couldn’t work up the momentum enough to take off, his little wings were not developed enough to support him….in all other ways he looked perfect, no injuries I could see. I left Gloria to it, hoping with all my heart he would take off with his parents, go back to their warm nest up in the eaves to be with his siblings….all that day I watched nervously over the little one, still hanging on for a minor/major miracle, I could just not abide the very idea of him getting attacked by Mincemeat aka cooking fat, (local feral cat who killed off many local birds). I was beset by many scenarios playing in my head, like a paranoid parent I hovered by the window pacing back and forth.

By 3:30 it had become all to clear,, To my distress he was still there hiding, dusk was falling, the evening chill beginning in earnest…now I had two choices neither ideal..Either I could leave well alone, and let him take his chances or bring him indoors, I left it as late as I possibly dared before finally going out into my shed and retrieving a small birds cage, it’s all I had to bed him down in…it took all of two minutes to scoop up the by now very cold baby bird, he was fast becoming depleted, eyes half closed, no fighting against me, my choice was the right one, Beaky😁, needed help, I suppose I was the unconvinced volunteer…at least inside he could get warm, I left on the heater, turned off all the lights and left him with food and water, now it was in the lap of the gods, I checked on my guest throughout that night,. That next morning Beaky was still with us…his beady black eyes wide open and shiny, restless now he moved around freely….now what?????

I went out and fed the pigeons their first breakfast of the day, yeah the have 3 normally 😁, two lunches, then supper before dusk 😁. . Normally once fed, the fly off until their next feed…but I noted that day Gloria and Walter stayed put,walking up and down right up by my door…..Beaky as if sensing their presence began peeping loudly, I took him out opened the cage door and watched uneasily as he was reunited with his parents, they circled about each other, until finally they fed the hungry youngster…not only did Gloria feed him, his father, older siblings also took a turns, pigeons really are a United family….

Once fed though, Beaky took refuge behind the flower pots once more, not ideal but better than nothing, he sat there in total silence instinct showing him not to give away his secret location, I left him there until nearly dark, before bringing back in my charge, where once more he slept in his cage, the following day his parents appeared again, It seemed we had unknowingly established our very own little routine between us….they knew where he was, he was safe thats the main thing…I estimated my intervention would last roughly around another week….And it Did…..

Over the next week later Beaky attempts take off….

Several times Beaky quite ungainly at first, took to the air, only to land with a spectacular splat in my neighbours shrubbery,😊 over a garden wall, into a fence, it lead to some very odd looks when I had to knock on a bewildered neighbours, asking could I possibly have my pigeon back please?😁, After a few disastrous starts, one week and two days later, he finally took to the skies, no looking back, just off into the wild blue yonder…my days as a co parent were at an end, finished as swiftly as they started, I stood looking up into the sky, watching him disappear, just praying he would be ok, it was very like taking my children to school that first day…lump in throat I walk away, it’s the perfect outcome, as it should be, my baby had flown the nest…although Beaky was in fact on the most part silent, walking back into the flat felt alien, unnatural, ….One week on I’m still missing my wee lodger, I don’t miss his mess mind😁, but I confess I had got used to having him about….I still chuckle to myself, thinking back to when I heard a noise at my door, on opening it, there stood Beaky,…. He just waddled inside like it was the most natural thing in the world, and to us, at that time i guess it was 😁😁😁😁😁..I’ve seen him with his parents upon the roof so I know his fine, happy landings Beaky…😁😁😁💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦