I really don’t know why I’m here actually?, (by here I mean writing this). Except maybe my day feels somewhat strange, awkward…but more than, so you understand?, i,d say rather out of kilter, I feel disconnected from it, estranged,. All the while im attempting to concentrate on my usual routine, but none of its holding me, the kitchen is clean, my beds magically made, but I have no recollection of doing it., I go on to try completing a picture that I began sketching the night previous, not easy when your minds spinning in ever rapid circles, the force with this mind Dragon is strong, weedwacker…, Reining him in is just a fools errand, I know from experience., I worked on another hour, but only in auto pilot fashion, im just hoping,, hoping that somehow along the way, usual service would resume, by doing something regular, mundane, maybe I could recalibrate this unsustainable thought process, Slow it from 100 mph, to a steady 30… But in the end I had to relent, I find myself rushing the picture, making jerky rookie blunders,. Instead of the required soft layering of water colour pigment, im blobbing great spots of sludge coloured paint, distraction never far away…..I gave in or is that up, who knows?, I hate doing this,, but better that than ruin the picture as a whole, there’s none of that desired tranquillity, soft even breaths, instead I’m restless and agitated ..it’s then I go out into the garden to feed Russell…Russell the crow, whose been stood honking loudly for his belated breakfast for at least the last hour, (I know not a very original name, but what started out as a dull joke has stuck fast 😁.,
Russell waddles about nonchalantly over in the distance, Watching my every move, he’s slowly becoming braver these days, he pretends to pick at things in the road, an interesting piece of twig, bright pebble, all the while I see his beautiful beady eye flicker in recognition. I throw bits of fruit, nuts and meat out for him and his family, I realise to some crows are not the sort of garden bird they encourage,(preferring instead the little colourful finch, or cheeky sparrows.. but I can’t help but think Corvids as a species are amazing, and uber intelligent, Then there’s the purples, iridescent green or blue that gleams on their dark wing feathers, those bright eyes that don’t miss a bloody thing, don’t get me started on their mischievous natures, I really enjoy watching them play, especially Russell’s family, their two chicks, will often pick up a twig, pass it back and forth, a raucous crying will begin, when the other wants it back, the hop skip and jump, it’s like watching hyper kids on a sugar rush …well it amuses me anyhow.. This simple, down to earth act, resets my exhausted mind, I watch Russell from the living room window, he tells the larger Chick to go get his own piece of chicken in no uncertain terms, the peeved rejected youngster attemps to appeal to Mrs Russell who gives him short shrift, after getting no joy there either, hops off to bully the younger sibling… Family life really😁. ….
I still feel restless about not being able to focus on my painting, it has become more than just a passing hobby over the months, with the worry of my health, it has become a much needed grounding, like standing out in the garden without shoes, only without getting muddy feet😁…Normally though I get at least two hours peace, two hours of not having all my attention focused on a lump in my breast, the beast within, threats from the grim reaper following me around, ready to pounce at any vulnerable moment., The threat of Cancer isn’t just about the physical, it’s that constant emotional, mental drip fed drain, I tire so easier these days, pulling your mind back from the well of despair endless times a day will do this…it’s getting harder to achieve, I fight it constantly, it’s about strength of wills now, so far mine’s stronger…
I’ve painted nearly every day now since January 1st of the year,. In the very beginning it was somewhat half hearted, a challenge, another half hearted new years resolution I wasn’t ever really intending to keep, but over the weeks it blossomed into so much more, taking on a life of its own, an outlet for frustrated creativity perhaps, more essential yet, i find myself in a hiding place within in its depths, almost as if along with painting a landscape, I create myself another world, a better one, far far away from Humanity, Cancer, the endless pain and uncertainty of EDS, here i find a freedom, almost the same as when I would walk for hours,. I can’t count the hours that have just vanished miraculously!!, My head bent over yet another sheet of paper, manipulating colour to match my ideals, Originally this was to be something I would do each day for a year, to improve as an artist, to grow, maybe even just a hobby, but it has become so very much more, it’s a portal to my memories, a life within a life, a rope ladder from a burning building, my next breath while I wait breathe normally again, a place of peace, all this while grabbing new knowledge greedily,. To what outcome?, oh why you asking me!!!!!, I don’t know she says spreading her hands exasperated, maybe now it’s took on that life, it just wants to exist, we have become as one, symbiotic, I need it as an escape on this journey, it needs me to bring it to life….here’s to another thousand hours of glorious creative mess, of union with paint n paper, frustration of wondering where my next inspiration will hail from, and will I ever live to be good enough, all these answers I may never find out, but painting for another year or a thousand hours has become at least one certainty on which I can count…….Many thanks for reading, look after yourself and take care of you xx💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛.
