Tag: mental-health

Under the apricot Sky…Dear diary

Tuesday 13th

Day 5 Of the inner Germ warfare,, Yes I have bloody cold (sighs), don’t leave my home from one week to the next, but here it is, in all its full snotty glory,. Seems colds arrive with your shop these days, Milk, eggs and butter ohhhh and we,re doing a lovely line of free colds, kind of a Bogof😁 . In fairness to my sweet delivery guy, he did say in between sneezes, he was full of a cold, but what’s one supposed to say….ewwwww Grosse, erm could you stand, approximately three feet back maybe?, whilst I de mist you over with a mild pungent disinfectant solution, and Don a full hazmat suit, not so sure it’s very me anyhow 😊, I do wonder though, if they come in sparkly purple?….Will explore the Zon(Amazon) later perhaps.. But with little in the way of an immune system, my body likes to grab everything going, its like letting me loose in a cake shop at happy hour really….hmmmm free cake!, It’s not my fault “the colds” infected my brain cell, honest…😁.

Anyhow it’s month ten of a year long expedition, Nooooo I’ve not gone completely off my rocker, lost my marbles, brain ran off finally screaming, arms akimbo let me out!!!!!, I can’t hold it captain she’s gonna blow, …No seriously now, back in January, my new years revolution, (yes I mean revolution, was to go on a kind of journey, one even I could achieve, with this messed up manky body a long for the ride, a road trip,one of 12 months with art, something your average armchair Agoraphbic could achieve all by herself, well sort of, there was still coffee, much much coffee, oh and language, I’m skilled at curse words now dontcha , if nothing else comes of this, there’s that.

It’s a long story, but I will keep it short😊, is that one of those doodahs, Oxi thingies, Shakes head, oww don’t do that Treez, . if your still here I will explain myself😊, Throughout my childhood I’ve always scribbled, dabbled in the drawing, it’s actually a kind of stop cock, release valve, for my stress levels,, when I become overwhelmed by life, Shove a pencil in my hot sticky little hand and away I go, Horses being main my thing, I can draw those in my sleep, it’s unconscious thing, something I just do I guess, but anything else is somewhat questionable….no it is really!, Everyone will say what’s it supposed to be? 😁, I can say its anything!, because my sprawling pencil drivel could be either a Tyrannosaurus Rex or a Chihuahua, my drawing was and still is shocking..

My father, Aunts, all were amazing artists, and then of course there was me😁, it seemed cruel almost,. They turned out beautiful landscapes, potraits, I turned out naked Picassos with eyes at the back of their heads, they mixed beautiful colours on wood pallets, I mixed, well sludge green basically…..try as I may, it didn’t happen….Every few years I would try again, giving in to an overwhelming need to recreate, bring forms to life upon paper…but each time it sadly eluded me, I gave away the pencils, paper and paint, unable to look at them anymore, they mocked me cruelly, in the meantime when I walked, Autumnal skys, golden trees, scarlet berries fired my imagination, I could see how the composition would arrive on the paper, the colour tones and blends, it taunted me, teased, yet it wasn’t to be…..

So what changed?, Well if I’m honest with myself, it became that its now or never situation really…I was told so so many times if you want something bad enough, you will get it, You keep going until you achieve the almost impossible,. confession here, I didn’t believe a damn word of it, (but I wanted too…I wanted to believe it was there, inside me all along, just waiting for me to locate it, an instinctual artist, I just needed to find the key to unlock her….i,’ll let you into a couple of secrets….there really is no key!, There never was an inner artist…there just never was…See no one and I mean no one tells you this, that there are two types of Artists….One is your natural, born that way….the rest of us?, Well we take our chances, thrown to the paper gods to crash and burn, sacrificial black ashes,. We have to work our dear little butts into the ground, every single picture, a blend of linseed and heartache..I can’t tell you how many pictures I’ve started, each going to be that turnaround Ive longed for…each in the end destined for the bloody bin…week after week, I would sit at a tiny glass topped round garden table, (all there’s room for), Hour after hour, my back aching, knees swollen from being bent, fingers hurting from holding a pencil….nothing….the paper doesnt shout brilliance…. Just silence!, endless screaming silence….

Then one morning in late February, while doom scrolling endless beautiful perfect painted water colour pictures, torturing my very soul, i came across an American artist…who changed everything in one 5 minute video, It wasnt the tutorial as such, but the words she left with….Be free to mess it up, no one but yourself is ever going to see it, So enjoy it!, Whoa wait a blooming moment here, are you telling me it’s ok, to do my muddy grass, carrot people, and lopsided boxy houses with Windows in each corner!?😮,. It took a while to leave behind my need for perfection, but it’s happening, I’m leaving with it the need to produce a Stubbs, Constable or even Bob Ross….I paint like Treez, the Treez whose one wonky eye, sees things, well just slightly different…who is no longer afraid to put mark’s on that white sheet paper, draw a demented Dachshund, wonky vase of Pansies or stick person …each glorious mess is a learning experience, each step I take I know leaves me with thousands more, my expedition has just begun…and yes I lose my way at times…but isn’t that the fun of the journey…finding out about yourself.

When I woke up this morning, my nose bunged, my throat raw, stomach churning and head spinning, I didn’t want to move, I could have laid miserably in my bed of self pity all day, and who would have blamed me?, But I didnt, I got up, I stood in the bath trembling with cold, poured endless bowls of steaming soapy water over my aching body….washed, made my first coffee, pulled back the curtains, sat upon my bed, hands around my cup, looking out at the Sky…..only I didn’t just look at it….I only bloody saw it, eyes opened to the world anew, it was a recipe of perfection..Colbalt, azure, Palest peach, Apricot, yellows, violets and streaked with gold cloud, yes they were Gold!!!!!!!, I didn’t rush to grab my phone to capture it, I didn’t need to, it’s in here(taps head) and in here, (hand over heart), will I try to paint it, you bet your bloody life I will, will I mess it up, oh my gosh yes gloriously, exhilaratingly, I’m going to be the best at being a mess….what’s more you know, I love it….

Every day, every single day I sit at that little table, watching the birds feed, clouds race, skies change and I paint my little heart out…most are useless, terrible even, but every once in a while, something miraculous happens, I paint something that can be a fair representative of my subject, but it’s no longer about that now, no it’s about the journey, not the destination, it’s not about being the best, but the best I can be….While I sat this morning in a world of pain, I realised something…I wouldn’t exchange anything, not my messed up EDS sick body, the one wonky eye…because I had coffee in my hands, love for my people in my heart and perfection under the apricot sky……

Something else came out of all this shenanigans, I show my attempts on “the Facebook”, yes good or bad, their there for all to see, now why set yourself up for heartache you ask?, Well because if one of my attempts inspires someone else to do something they only dreamt of and thought the impossible, then I’m ok with that…in fact I’m better than ok, I bloody love it…..so don’t put off doing your own thing…do it, start your own expeditions, don’t put it off, become an explorer of your own lives, great thing is you won’t need a compass….go on be brave, who knows where it will lead you….whatever you get up to though my lovelies take care of yourself, look after you💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

Thinking in the box.

It’s around 7:30 am and I’ve already been awake some two hours, First job of the day, open up the curtains, (is it just me here?) because Im still feeling somewhat disappointed, as I pull them back each morning only to reveal “it’s still dark🤔😮”!, Yeah I know it’s Autumn, this happens…but it has a habit of still catching me unawares. By roughly spring i,’ll be used to it i,m sure 😁, While we are on the subject of disappointments, sighs, is there anything worse, than fumbling your way out into the kitchen, one thing filling your sleep befuddled mind, ….Coffee!, It’s all I want, crave even…..But what do my half awake eyes befell, befall oh whatever, it’s early and I lack caffination big time!!!!!!, There’s the kettle left from the night previous, soaking in a toxic slurry combination of white vinegar and detergent …..why?, Well you may well ask?😁, but mainly to shift the hard water crud, such is limescale, that white chalky substance that drives me batcrap, plus it gives away love affair with all things coffee and how often that poor kettle goes on🙄.

Anyhow I finally Coffee in hand, my little world’s back in kilter, . I mainly came here today for a chinwag, chat, a catchup… I would like to ask, what are you all doing about this emergency box thang!?, I have questions, lots of…Have you even got one?, and if so, Not being personal or owt, how bigs yours?😁. Is bigger better in these circumstances or small and neat, for hiding it away from view?, I feel this is a matter of some discussion, doctrinal import even…. So first things first, are you an Outty and proud of your EB, (emergency box) bragging to all who will listen? or an Inny, in that closet, hiding with said box?🤐😃.

While we are at it, what’s your current thought on contents?, (Keep forgetting to add the question mark here folks please forgive my grammar or lack there of, But Im so bloody curious, See my mother grew up during WW2, So as children it wasn’t anything new to find a box of tin goods lurking away in the bottom of the pantry, Mum bought something extra each week to add to the growing tin mountain, Wasn’t always anything much, but at Christmas or if times were hard, we were all still fed….its not only common sense in a way, but necessary, (a hang up from the War)…this was then handed down to myself, Only living alone it’s somewhat scaled down. but I’ve always had extra tin food in my cupboard, mainly for times when I can’t face leaving my flat…but it is useful.

I must confess I do love a good Be prepared!, As an award winning over thinker, I am inclined to stress over the slightest thing. Folks in this here cavern of a brain, I’ve imagined every scenario you can think of, many impossible, improbable even, One is where I’m on the run with Will Smith and a very large German shepherd,(oh dog food, Treez you don’t even have a dog😁) maybe the Will thing is somewhat wishful thinking, but you get my drift 😁…Who knows, but when the panic button is released and I finally can see the light at the end of the tunnel….(ewwww lights don’t forget your batteries folks) where was i again?, Oh yes calming down😁…. When all the imaginary emergency stations are done, I then begin dealing with the practical.. The things I can do for myself, something useful to focus my tired mind upon….So yes I do have an EB…

It’s small and tidy, goodness knows this flat won’t hold a larger catchet, even if I were so inclined lol, Its hidden discreetly, in a corner, a pretty cotton cloth thrown haphazardly over it, today my EB is mainly being a coffee table, who knows tomorrow it has ambitions yah know😁, …

Whats in the box….

I’ve mainly gone for a few essential items, like tinned tomatoes, potatoes(have you seen the price by the way?😮, Asda is the best place folks 39p, no seriously they are!,) Then theres soup, good ole baked beans and sausages, tinned ham, chicken, Spam, you gotta love Spam😁, saved many a soul from starvation during WW2, plus gained renewed fame after the Monty Python sketch way back when 80s I think.😁, I’m making light of all this, because with the world as it is, last thing we need is yet still more turmoil, but it is as I said in the beginning just using common sense….have those spare tins, some batteries, keep a power bank charged, these are things we can all take charge of, When our world leaders are rattling their sabres, the planet threatening to boil over, There are things still within your control, don’t panic, like what I does 😁, just be practical, calmly make your list, get your box….if nothing comes of it, you’ve always got food you can turn too….extra goodies for Christmas…with the price of food at the moment goodness knows we can all do with it, only takes a couple of extra tins each week, some long life milk or powdered, tea, coffee, odd treat…channel your inner boyscout, we’ve got this….have fun with it…most of all its remaining calm….think out the box or in whatever gets you through…well folks coffee cups drained and that will never do…until next time, take care of you…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Dear Diary Monday 21st, (A thousand hours.

I really don’t know why I’m here actually?, (by here I mean writing this). Except maybe my day feels somewhat strange, awkward…but more than, so you understand?, i,d say rather out of kilter, I feel disconnected from it, estranged,. All the while im attempting to concentrate on my usual routine, but none of its holding me, the kitchen is clean, my beds magically made, but I have no recollection of doing it., I go on to try completing a picture that I began sketching the night previous, not easy when your minds spinning in ever rapid circles, the force with this mind Dragon is strong, weedwacker…, Reining him in is just a fools errand, I know from experience., I worked on another hour, but only in auto pilot fashion, im just hoping,, hoping that somehow along the way, usual service would resume, by doing something regular, mundane, maybe I could recalibrate this unsustainable thought process, Slow it from 100 mph, to a steady 30… But in the end I had to relent, I find myself rushing the picture, making jerky rookie blunders,. Instead of the required soft layering of water colour pigment, im blobbing great spots of sludge coloured paint, distraction never far away…..I gave in or is that up, who knows?, I hate doing this,, but better that than ruin the picture as a whole, there’s none of that desired tranquillity, soft even breaths, instead I’m restless and agitated ..it’s then I go out into the garden to feed Russell…Russell the crow, whose been stood honking loudly for his belated breakfast for at least the last hour, (I know not a very original name, but what started out as a dull joke has stuck fast 😁.,

Russell waddles about nonchalantly over in the distance, Watching my every move, he’s slowly becoming braver these days, he pretends to pick at things in the road, an interesting piece of twig, bright pebble, all the while I see his beautiful beady eye flicker in recognition. I throw bits of fruit, nuts and meat out for him and his family, I realise to some crows are not the sort of garden bird they encourage,(preferring instead the little colourful finch, or cheeky sparrows.. but I can’t help but think Corvids as a species are amazing, and uber intelligent, Then there’s the purples, iridescent green or blue that gleams on their dark wing feathers, those bright eyes that don’t miss a bloody thing, don’t get me started on their mischievous natures, I really enjoy watching them play, especially Russell’s family, their two chicks, will often pick up a twig, pass it back and forth, a raucous crying will begin, when the other wants it back, the hop skip and jump, it’s like watching hyper kids on a sugar rush …well it amuses me anyhow.. This simple, down to earth act, resets my exhausted mind, I watch Russell from the living room window, he tells the larger Chick to go get his own piece of chicken in no uncertain terms, the peeved rejected youngster attemps to appeal to Mrs Russell who gives him short shrift, after getting no joy there either, hops off to bully the younger sibling… Family life really😁. ….

I still feel restless about not being able to focus on my painting, it has become more than just a passing hobby over the months, with the worry of my health, it has become a much needed grounding, like standing out in the garden without shoes, only without getting muddy feet😁…Normally though I get at least two hours peace, two hours of not having all my attention focused on a lump in my breast, the beast within, threats from the grim reaper following me around, ready to pounce at any vulnerable moment., The threat of Cancer isn’t just about the physical, it’s that constant emotional, mental drip fed drain, I tire so easier these days, pulling your mind back from the well of despair endless times a day will do this…it’s getting harder to achieve, I fight it constantly, it’s about strength of wills now, so far mine’s stronger…

I’ve painted nearly every day now since January 1st of the year,. In the very beginning it was somewhat half hearted, a challenge, another half hearted new years resolution I wasn’t ever really intending to keep, but over the weeks it blossomed into so much more, taking on a life of its own, an outlet for frustrated creativity perhaps, more essential yet, i find myself in a hiding place within in its depths, almost as if along with painting a landscape, I create myself another world, a better one, far far away from Humanity, Cancer, the endless pain and uncertainty of EDS, here i find a freedom, almost the same as when I would walk for hours,. I can’t count the hours that have just vanished miraculously!!, My head bent over yet another sheet of paper, manipulating colour to match my ideals, Originally this was to be something I would do each day for a year, to improve as an artist, to grow, maybe even just a hobby, but it has become so very much more, it’s a portal to my memories, a life within a life, a rope ladder from a burning building, my next breath while I wait breathe normally again, a place of peace, all this while grabbing new knowledge greedily,. To what outcome?, oh why you asking me!!!!!, I don’t know she says spreading her hands exasperated, maybe now it’s took on that life, it just wants to exist, we have become as one, symbiotic, I need it as an escape on this journey, it needs me to bring it to life….here’s to another thousand hours of glorious creative mess, of union with paint n paper, frustration of wondering where my next inspiration will hail from, and will I ever live to be good enough, all these answers I may never find out, but painting for another year or a thousand hours has become at least one certainty on which I can count…….Many thanks for reading, look after yourself and take care of you xx💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛.

Dear Diary ….Rain sweet Rain.

After a very late dinner of left over Chilli, (delicious) I sat trying to work out, what my next painting/drawing would involve, exactly, if it’s a picture I’ve found that intrigues, I like to study it for a while, find the pitfalls so to speak, (my weaknesses), Everything is still so new in one way, yet again after eight months, it surely should be second nature right?, Not!!!, I have to nag myself constantly….do you want this or not Treez?, Answers invariably a resounding yes and with bells attached…I’ve hungered to be an artist for a lifetime, Since I sat in front of a tiny made up easel with my Dad Saturday afternoons, my five year old self scrawling out harsh pencil scribbles upon a scrap of paper, holding it up after in my dad’s face to inspect😁, he always encouraged. Whilst my father a competent painter, flowed blended oil paint across the canvas, ….I inherited much from my dear father, but his artistic bent, sadly avoiding me altogether, it’s only recently after starting out on my own journey, Ive learnt, it’s a sad fact that only 10% of artists are born, the rest of us have to earn it the hard way….with the care bear stare….😁😁😁, no not really 😁, with practice..practice practice practice…and after eight long months, one pallet of water colour paints, three sketch books, endless ripped out pages and much French!!!!!, Fluent now., I’m still only on the novice level, my endless patience, a thing of the past, thrown in the bin with my last piece of work.

But as usual I digress muchly, my mind tends to wander somewhat, quite nomad fashion, going walk about…But as I studied my latest victim..I mean picture, I kept hearing this low rumbling sound, now I know it wasn’t my stomach, although chilli can have that effect on the best of us😁,…No this sounded muted, or distant, .At first I took it as the Guy who lives above me(no not “the big man”😁),, but my neighbour moving stuff about his flat, so i gave it no more thought, that was until it became more persistent, …Curiosity finally out weighing my resolve to study,(as so much does😁, Reluctantly I got up and looked out of my living room window, ……Oh boy was I in for a surprise, the dams had finally broken….three months of drought, over in a quick flash, ok several flashes, spectacular big blue light up the sky type, much loud crashes, and enough water falling from the sky that I couldn’t see across the road, to top this off as I stood in my doorway trying to film the proceedings for Jesse, I had a free shower of my own thrown in, literally thrown in though😁, My tiny street now coming with its own fast flowing river, I’m not sure I remember that bit on the tenancy agreement, or come to think of it, the brand new water feature cascading down from a long ago broken guttering…My poor plants that had valiantly survived the long hot summer, now having to take their chances amid the driving rain… sighs

But despite everything you won’t hear me complaining, We need this rain so desperately, the grass here had long since been scorched, anything that had managed to hang on in there now crispy wisps of yellowing hay, . Trees were suffering dreadfully, it depressed me no end to watch their leaves curl up in on themselves,only to wither and drop onto the ground, born away by a sultry hot breezy days and relentless dry nights, eventually in some last ditch effort at survival, dropping their larger limbs in order for the main trunk to concentrate all its remaining resources on subsistence.

I felt the droughts lasting effect keenly on my own little border of wild meadow flowers,. I had been so proud of its lusty growth just a few weeks before, its now laying flat, brown, crisp and burnt, Red clover, yellow Trefoil, yellow Rattle, the usually hardy Blue chicory, Poppies, Scabious, foxglove, and many more, both leaves and flowers baked brown, brittle and dead, it’s been all I could do, to keep going the few pots of plants right outside the front of my flat, they had become more essential now than ever, especially for the visiting butterflies, bees, wasp and hoverflies, although i had watched those visits gradually dropping off over the last few weeks. Before my wee garden had been awash with the common Cabbage white, Common Blue, Brimstone, Tortoise shell, red Admiral, Peacock butterflies to name but a few,. The deep scarlet poppies which I admired so much, had until last week been covered in the bustling attentions of hover flies, now nothing, just silence.!!!!!!

When the weather did finally cool, I felt myself exhale, taking that long drawn out breath, I hadn’t even been aware until now of holding in even, it felt when the temperatures soared, we all paused come noon, no birds sang, no bees hummed, children and dogs fell earily silent, only the sound of the brave little grass hoppers song persisted in throughout the heat. Apart from watering the garden, taking care of the local birds I hid away from the glare, pulling my curtains after lunch, pretending to read a book, the heat finally making me give way to a restless sleep, this pattern pretty soon became my daily routine, up at 4am cold shower, anything that needed doing , done before the sun woke, afternoon siesta, it worked.😁

It took its toll on me most mentally, hiding away in the dark for hours at a time, not able to walk in the local fields, sent my depression spiralling, between this and the ever increasing fear that I had tried to bury deeply away of the painful lump in my breast, distracting myself with activities, now I had hours alone with just my thoughts, those bloody awful What ifs,, You cannot prepare yourself for the mental toll it takes, there is and was no escape..Facing up to this is harder when you spend hours in your own company, dominating last thing at night or in those very early mornings, didn’t help I was living partially in darkness during the day, I couldn’t work out, if it was the darkness of the rooms or the screaming blacks(depression) getting an ever increasing strangle hold over me,. Maybe both

What I did know was, what I had used, just weeks previous was now no longer working,(I broke it) I had art projects half finished, dark thoughts pushed in and eclipsed any and all creativity, asking invasive questions of me, Like what’s the point of this again?, Why are you trying to create pictures that you won’t get to enjoy?, It would be just your luck Treez that you would get to a stage with art you loved only to get yanked off this mortal coil, how rude!, this and nagging little demon thoughts invaded relentlessly, I could no longer out run it or hide …..goodness knows I tried, thinking up endless useless chores until either pain or exhaustion took over, even sleep bought little escape,….

Death itself holds no fear over my head, I’m not scared of you Mr Reaper, respect yes, fear never…but the thought of not seeing My children again, not seeing Jesse fills me with more pain the both EDS, Cancer or any of my illnesses combined, it wrecks my very soul, there were days I couldn’t breathe with the pain of it, I had to work to take that very next breathe, ….yes death would bring release from the endless physical pain I was born into, but nothing compares to the pain of missing those you love, or that walk amidst nature, sharing the earth with all I hold dear…this I don’t mind confessing scares the hell outta me…

It’s still ever present daily, tapping me on the shoulder with its arsenal of grief bullets, getting me out of no where like a demented sniper…if I ever manage to distract it, which for the most part, I can and do😁, it hits back harder, it’s a sodding dirty fighter…What about never holding Jess again then huh?, holding his hand, sharing those silly jokes, getting up in the middle of the night to drive for the hell of it…yup it knows how to hit back, then there’s never seeing my daughter again, jeez it’s a cruel tortuous wee beastie…

Without art though, Jess, my family, I know full well i would be sunk, they are my constancy, …One of the pictures Ive paint many times over is of a lighthouse, I wondered why in the beginning,because it was unconsciously done, now it makes perfect sense, My loved ones, nature is/are my guiding lights, when the world threatens to drown me, the darkness suffocate, there they are, beacons shining so brightly, no matter where my mind makes me wander, they bring me home again. The age old candle in the window Warmth in the chill.

Yesterday thanks muchly to the storms efforts, the air was cooler, clearer, and I infact took my first tentative steps outside in over a month, it felt so very good, yes I hurt physically, but it was so bloody worth it, I feel for those who do not share my love affair with all things outdoors, standing under trees even briefly, filled me with a sense of much needed peace, I cannot begin to explain this, won’t try, but it’s always been so, Since I escaped my mother’s clutches at the tender age of five years old and went feral for some hours, until now, today the intensity of the screaming blacks are down to the mewling greys, I’ve got this!,. In a while I hope to escape into another project, my mind hopefully focussing on creation, sat in front of an open window, light throwing pretty shadows across the page, getting by, minute after minute, hour after hour, until another day is won, and I leave lifes arena still battle scarred and bloodied, but alive none the less. The love from those I hold close my sword, if you made it thus far I thank you for your company, and as I bid you a fond farewell, wishes for a peaceful weekend, please look after you, take care folks x, 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💚💚💚💚💛💛💚💚💛💛💚💚💚

Dear diary..the undecided

Tuesday June 30th

It’s early, very early in fact, with very limited sleep, I choose to rise and go about the routine that’s stood me in good stead for many years now, First I turn on the water heater, then click on that other vital water heater, the most important one, I might add…”the kettle”, I half listen for that tell tale click sound, letting me know it’s going about its job, working, that same sound sets off a sequence of events for the day, While I wait, I look out of the living room window, nose pressed against the cool glass, checking on my garden, “What’s todays weather”?, I see the sky is overcast, a silvery platinum grey covering, with it maybe a promise of some very welcome summer rain, but apart from this all is quite normal, or is it?…

The beginning…March

With the event of spring, the renewal of life, waking of earth, a change creeps slowly upon me, deep in the night while I slept curled up peacefully…I have witnessed so many betrayals throughout my years, and face each and every one, head on,. this thing was to be different though wasn’t it?, this chose its timing well, a vulnerable time, While I dreamt of my loved ones, safe, secure. ….Roughly an hour after falling into sound sleep, I was awakened by a sudden sharp pain in my left breast…it was painful enough to disturb me for some seconds, before i drifted back off, thinking little to nothing of it again…. Some days were to pass by quite uneventfully enough, everything in its place, But in this i was mistaken, lulled by life’s mundane silences…fooled again into a false sense of security.

Just days later as I bent down to retrieve something from the floor,there was a sharp sudden pain deep within my chest, it was infact considerable enough to stop me mid movement, for me to rub the area, Only this time I was fully awake, I could not pass off the event as an unwelcome dream disturbance…No instead this was most real….of all the things I fear,. night creatures, demons and shadows, all the things Im most vigilant about…this walked silently, stealthily into my life..it was though infact, an old enemy, One I had done battle and defeated some 23 years since, ….Over those years I have grown sloppy, no longer looking around corners for it to creep up…that silent viper in my Bosom….literally!

But there it was, is, a painful lump…at first I was going to say I held my secret to my chest, 😊 but it thats how it was,…I needed to process this information, sit with it….I heard the voices within my head, voices of those of whom love me, Go to the doctors, Go get it checked out….it will all be fine, you,’ll be fine…But as much as this would have been good advice, I just couldn’t bring myself to hear it…it’s the right advice for sure, advice I would tell every man or woman facing this self same dilemma…but this was my thing, personal to me, me alone, my decision…I didn’t want it taken out of my hands like the previous time, from the moment I presented with it to my GP, every decision was taken out of my hands, I was no longer Theresa, I was A Cancer patient…I was a diagnosis, therefore I must be cured…I wasn’t asked, consulted, involved, it was cold, clinical, devoid of all humanity, indeed dignity…I was no longer Treez with the wicked sense of humour, slightly, well ok extremely eccentric, whacky, different….I had cancer, therefore from that moment on, I was nothing more…the had Cancer defined me…took over me as it grew within…

So here’s the thinking in my mind, I need time, time!!!! most of you are saying right now, but Treez you don’t have time to borrow…..No maybe not, or just maybe I do, I don’t know, honestly I dont….But for some months now walking, daily living has become exceptionally painful, I’m in pain 24/7, I know of nothing else, yes I can do pain, I have done since my birth…EDS, Ehlers Danlos, will do that…its not voluntarily, but I meet it in every arena, I may get bruised, bloodied, but I stand ready for the next fight, never flinching from the constraints, the pain monsters talons….The only thing now is walking has become almost impossible, and how I love to walk people, ….Even if it is just to the local park, where i can sit a spell, amid the trees, recharging my being, filling up my batteries, no matter how bad life gets, how ill I become, I find myself without knowing why, walking my way to the nearest patch of trees and grass..it’s been my thing since my mum first lost me at four years old😁 ….I had strayed …went walk about, feral, Only to return an hour later from my adventures over a local field…almost as if it was the most natural thing in the world, because of course it was….it is..I cannot imagine a time I havnt done this exact thing….I need it, its sustenance, like the very air in my lungs…without this?, well there is no without, I cannot imagine a world without this in it…you may as well cage me up and lose the key, I’m a product of nature, a wild thing…I’m that bare foot, wild haired, gypsy hugging a tree, talking to bees, birds, conversing with butterflies, it’s all ingrained in my soul ……

So what’s one thing to got do with the other?, Well let me try to explain, i suppose in my conscious or unconscious mind, (in vaults locked away somewhere, I’m unsure of what I want yet, not want exactly… More need. If I visit my doctors, the ability to decide for myself, will be over in a minute, stolen from me, I’m not ready to relinquish control over myself, it’s my body, the one thing I posses thats truly mine, the rest, we rent while we reside on this planet, and I don’t want that…I’m not saying I’m ready to give up either, because that’s never further from the truth…I will fight this thing with every fibre of my being, I meet it head on most days, I look it in the eye, I don’t fear it, death is no longer the unspoken demon for me…it’s a certainty….but I also need the embrace of mother nature, the comfort it provides, it succours my exhausted body like a mother, unstintingly, generously. I call upon it more these days, relying heavily on its grace……compare this if you will, to sterile hospital wards, equally cold sterile people and a cold shiver goes up my spine…it scares me, more than the Cancer…

Don’t get me wrong, I have sat under my favourite Sycamore tree, back resting against its strong trusty bark, thinking so is this it?, What am I to expect now?, Shall I buy those shoes I want?, read that book, will there be time?, am I in fact watching time slip between my fingers, like an oversized hour glass, ….is there a manual for this?, A YouTube video?, Has anyone wrote a book about facing death, ….Most days I go about life quite normally, as I said upfront, my routine is my saviour, it holds me steadfast in a world Im unsure of, shaky ground, It’s all so new and I hate change😉😊…Up until now this has been my secret and mine alone…I guess if I’m honest I didn’t want anyone to treat me differently, as they did before, never meeting my eye, avoiding my touch, walking away when they saw me, …..there,s a line in the Robbie Williams song, Feel…come and hold my hand, I want to contact the living, this speaks volumes to my heart right now. As it did it did once before….

I don’t know why I’m writing all this, except I suppose in the remote hope some one anyone will understand me…do you know what’s odd?, In middle of thoughts of death and dying I’ve never felt more at one with the planet I live on, with the animals, plant life, I’ve never felt so alive in my life, more hungry for more….I still don’t know what I’m doing with this thing, but I’m at one with it, I don’t want sympathy, i hate that..never feel sorry for me, because right now I’m the richest of people, feeling more in the moment than I have a right too….what I want more than anything is acceptance, trust for me to know what’s best for me, as I said earlier this is not me being defeated, this if anything its my battle cry, I’ve painted my face, love is my shield, and in ready to commence war ….all I ask?, is if your in this with me allow me to know what I need, what’s best for me, stand at my side with honesty, love and not judgement….

For my loved ones, I hadn’t kept this quiet because I didn’t want you to know, it’s just I needed this time, yes maybe it was selfish, but illness is, it’s insular, a quiet time for reflection, a peaceful time for coming to terms,…and I truly have…for giving me space and time I can’t thank you enough, I have the bloody best people in my life….now that’s out there I can get back to normal …😁, yes I said that, well as normal as I get anyhow….😁😁😁😁. Take care of you.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛.

l

The big Chill…

The weather over the last few weeks has for the most part been a typical British winter, wet, wild, and oh my goodness wheres me bloody fleecy lined drawers?,.But there again as cold as some mornings have been , it’ was only to be somewhat expected,. Back in the far off heady glorious days of last summer, I had mentioned seeing virtually every tree, bush and shrubbery(I so love this word, so will say it again purely for indulgent recreational purposes SHRUBBERY!!!! ewww that felt so goooood,) now where was we again?, Oh yeah! talking about fruity bushes(saucy😁😁😁😁), but indeed everywhere I had looked, the trees and shrubs bowers were heavily weighted down through the long summer days with an abundance of fruit,. I had had a fresh breakfast, thanks to an obliging plum tree more than once 😊

I’m afraid I remain firmly of the old school, if you sit in amongst nature long enough, she will clearly predict the future as far as forecasts goes, (better than any weatherman or Almanac)..last year I known in my heart of hearts, it was without doubt, going to be cold this winter, . That said I don’t quite feel it in my bones😁, as my parents/grandparents generation were only too fond of expounding at anyone who would listen. But if you watch and listen, taking on board the subtle little clues of nature’s intent, you won’t go far wrong. So as harsh as it’s been some days there really was no surprise. Doesn’t make it any easier mind, but expected.

For my part I’ve kind of channelled the whole wintry hibernation Grizzly bear theme, taking to the deepest darkest back of my fairy lit cave, furthest away from humanity, where if stumbled upon, i will be forced growl vociferously at anyone who dares to disturb my solitude or trespassing upon one of my fleece blankets, no matter how momentarily, (hear me roar😁, … But after what felt like weeks of freezing minus minus weather, Wednesday had in fact dawned with some of the brightest blue skies, infact I will go so far as to say somewhat gorgeous even…I had already decided the night previous, if there was even a remote lapse in the freezing rain,hail, snow and blizzards conditions( overly dramatic much😁) then I would infact guzzle down my coffee, scrub up, grit my teeth and leave my lair, why oh why do I do these things honestly?😁

Wednesday

As I left the flat, (Jesse of course by now, already hanging in phone land safely tucked up warm in his woollen pouch around my neck), The first clues of just how bloody cold it actually was became all too apparent…I had hunted out and found my new perfect purply fingerless gloves especially, I so love purple., Even taking the added precaution of plonking a thick cream wool hat, recently crocheted, upon my head…surely now Im indeed ready for the worst kind of polar expedition weather, including the toughest of conditions right?, 😁, Dilly (aka my loyal shopping trolley, not much of a husky sled team, but she would have to do,

I hadn’t really left my street before I began noting the thick white frosting covering the pavement, it sparkled mesmerising before the eyes, Grass had become very brittle and crunchy under foot,.. Previously plain Brown fallen leaves, were now edged in silvery white sharp crystals, the wet dull grey sky of just the day before, now icy blue, clouds completely banished, the sun up high, just a pale insipid glow,. The air felt deliciously fresh, slightly loamy, smokey, with hints of promise of spring, I breathed deeply, childishly leaving misty vapour trails as I exhaled, ” look Jesse look” he laughs indulgently, ” very good hun”, , he knows me so well, by now more than used to his woman child….

The landscape may have taken on the outward appearance of being all very fairy tale and dreamy in appearance, but beyond this disguise it was also extremely lethal under foot, i immediately became conscious of staying upright, uprights always good, a trip to accident and emergency, in the back of a speeding ambulance, never quite appearing upon my new years to do list thankfully😁. But with the best will in the world, my feet are still slipping every now and again, I’m all at once most thankful for Dillys supportive presence, After making it successfully, plus still in one piece to my local supermarket, then pet shop, I set about the slow steady process of walking back home once again, but not before sitting on my bench in the sun, that is by now at least affording some warmth, closing my eyes, I listen intently to the cacophony of different bird song, from the sweet melodic flocks of robust Blue tits swirling from tree to tree, cackling Magpies seemingly laughing at some rude joke only they know the punchline of, to the very vocal caws of playful crows playing pass the stick😊, I spend a most pleasant half hour here, breathing in the cool fresh air, no one to bother myself or my bird friends. It’s with some reluctance I finally resume my journey, only chancing upon a very large frozen puddle could cheer my mood,

I just had to, you know I did, …..Yes I took the liberty of trailing myself and Dilly across the solid frozen surface, It creaked and cracked under foot most deliciously, and I didn’t give a flying fff fruitcake, yes fruitcake about getting my brand new shoes soaked or my socks squelchy in ice water, I just delighted in every bloody second, giggling childishly to myself as I left a trail of broken ice in my wake, one of the highlights of my day…the other being on return of home, I partook of one xxl coffee, liberally laced with coffee liqueur….so shoot me, I needed something to offset the chill, can only think it was a good job I had that after getting home, would have made walking abroad a whole lot more perilous, with good reason 😁.

Well I guess it’s time I went about my day again, can’t sit here all day gassing, I’ve all these wondrous mundane chores to achieve, polishing to polish, laundry to attempt to dry in my damp freezing flat, oh the joys 😁😁😁, anyhoo folks you stay warm, stay well and look after yourself…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Alluring Luna

Monday

Something awoke me up early, I’m not sure what, but then I seldom am😊, i waited some time for full cooperation, betwixt my eyes opening and the switching over from sleep mode of mind,..some may say this is a rare and momentous occasion, (these days im more inclined to agree..After laying for a while trying to comprehend the meaning of a particularly weird dream, I gave up, answering to that undeniable, call of the kettle, (it’s a bewitching little minx), As I poked my right foot out from under its cosy warm nest of mixed fleeces, regret set in immediately….Folks it was fffff flipping cold, I wanted for all the world to turn over and Deny the harsh mornings existence, But morning like my need for a caffeine hit takes no prisoners. I shove both legs out quickly before I can think better of it….my body quakes with the chill that circulates the air over night, as im passing i flick down the switch of the small oil filled radiator, grateful to hear it’s gurgles and clicks, just the tiny orange light alone and I begin fooling myself I feel warmer….

After I fill the kettle, click that on, I go about my usual hurried routine, empty the dehumidifier, turn that on, Normally swiftly followed by a speedy Gonzalez type shower thing, (no one, and I mean no one with half a brain cell, wants to stand, buck naked in a freezing room, without luxury of proper glazing and or heating , it’s the Baltic in there, I keep expecting the odd polar expedition team to wave as I’m stood there in my glory, Huskies an all….For some reason though before that icy shower delight, I was drawn over to the curtains to look outside, maybe just a delay tactic who knew, but wrong move Treez….😁.

First thing I note is the odd blue tinged light, it’s not even 5am yet, why is it so light?, …I look up into a still dense black velvet Sky, there still on high, hangs the most spectacular full moon, it’s brilliancy glowing, shrouding everywhere with its cool icy light, even as cold as I feel I’m drawn with its ancient magnetic pull, it silently calls “come outside, admire my beauty”, I’m lost to it’s allure immediately, there’s no time for a jacket, jumper or anything remotely sensible…slipping my chilled feet into my best fake Fur lined clogs, 😁i find the keys, open the door and go outside, the effect is instant, I’m stood outside minus 3, in just a baggy t shirt nightdress and clogs…

Freezing icy cruel chilled fingers pulled at my skant covering, the palpable air hurting my chest…threatening to turn each breathe into Crystals before I can exhale….So intoxicated was i by the moon’s pull, up until this moment I time, I had failed to notice the deep covering of overnight snow, …But now that I had, it was difficult to comprehend where to look first, The snow glittered and danced with a thousand tiny blue glassy sapphires, the moon’s light reflecting across its untouched surface, high on beauty, I barely noted the fact my body trembled, whether from fast developing hypothermia or just overwhelmed by the sights and senses before me, A more sensible person would have by now rush in and to get dressed….Me, I had become way too involved, enveloped in nature’s bounty, too enraptured to move, let alone breathe, I stared up into the moon’s gaze, by her side like a faithful lover of old, twinkling and none the less outstanding was the North star….I’m not sure how long I stood there, for I no longer felt the cold, but I must have moved at some point because I looked down to see my footprints leaving deep impressions in the once virgin snow…the kettle long forgotten, the warmth of my bed along with it, it was only the distant thrum of a ticking over car engine that eventually broke the spell, bringing me speedily back to humanity.

Once inside my body began shaking uncontrollably, I wrapped a fluffy jacket about me tightly, eventually getting the quaking to a level where I could safely handle the freshly reboiled kettle,. After two scalding hot coffees, one straight after the other, I showered, got dressed, all the while still very much under the influence of the cool wintry blue wolf moon, …Later that very same day, I swear I wasn’t to be alone in my Luna lunacy, for at daybreak ,while taking out rubbish from my bins, ( by now fully clothed you,ll be somewhat relieved to hear), Less than a foot away, at my feet stood a juvenile male Blackbird,, he’s bead like dark eyes watching my every move, he didn’t attempt to fly away, or even walk away, just an odd twitch of his wings, and a click under his breath, …We remained there motionless, sizing each other up, I’m not sure for how long the moment lasted, before eventually I snapped out of it and felt somehow the instinct to grab a bag of mealworms, I keep for the wild birds, scattering a generous handful upon the solid frozen ground for him, ..He snatched up not just one, but roughly around at least ten, I gave up counting after that…seemed rude somehow to check up on my impromptu little guest 😁, he was soon joined by Robin, my usual avian buddy, followed quickly by a large rambunctious flock of greedy Starlings, none seemed to mind my presence, even as I moved to get them more food supplies….whether just driven by hunger or the strangest of days, I’ve still no idea, but my company of the morning hung about for some time, I like to think it was something quite special, magical even…Jesse will often be heard to say I’ve got a calm way about birds that draws them to me….unsure which is true, but the secret of magical things is to not look into it too deeply or ruin the spell…😁, …Anyway enough of me for now, it’s still really icy out there folks, if you get a chance think of the creatures, give mother nature a wee helping hand…but most of all stay wrapped up warm….and be careful out there, it’s slipperyer than a politician at press conference…. Until next time💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

The Ghost of Christmas past….

I had already sworn to myself, I would not word this, because in doing so I would give it credence, let it free from the once hidden constraints, the deepest passages of my mind, and once voiced there would be no binding the words back up, putting them back in their box, no locking them away,. they would be free, finding lives of their own, wreaking havoc, No longer just quietly haunting my mind in the darkness, lurking in shadowy corners, waiting to pounce…I could no longer live in that self indulged world of denial, ..now it was the steely cold world of truths, truths I had always buried in the dense undergrowth, you know it’s still out there, but that’s denial for you eventually it will want to break loose and want it’s time, !

I had used Christmas sorely, all the while I worked in a flurry of activity, I found myself coping with my lot most admirably, oh don’t get me wrong, while alone in the depth of night, I clawed over things, tangled tight woven conversations, looking for patterns, clues, rewinding, replaying each nuance until like those old reel to reel tapes of yesteryear, my taut mind threatened to snap…It and I am exhausted, but there’s no let up…Over my head both day and night hangs the mighty sword of Damocles, hanging by the solitary strand of golden hair, in some ways I long for my fate to be over, ( better to get it over with surely)…. Then there’s the other times I bury myself deep in my softest fleece blankets, lay upon my side staring at the freshly painted white wall beside me, the same walls I had painted just months previous, filled with hope, new beginning, what happened…whispering is what happened…..

Weeks before Christmas I had heard words I took on, from a well meaning source, supposedly looking out for me !, I’m not quite as sure now this being the case, People say things for all kinds of reasons known only to themselves, Many for their own devices, mischief…At first I let it play out in my mind, it taunted me until I saw shadows everywhere….this ruined the great joy I get each year over the Christmas period, I delight in its magical atmosphere, normally it’s a time when I lay to rest the stress of the year, that’s normally though…but not this year, I couldn’t settle, the what ifs attacked in full force?, The constant tortures of questioning, would brook no silencing, distraction didn’t chase away the darkness, it followed me even into rare moments of sleep, giving me no let up, backing me up against the wall…now I had to turn and face that shadow, the whispers, I could either let it carry on with its path of unwieldy destruction eating into my soul, or come out fighting….I chose the latter, I’ve learnt over the years with battling illness and life itself, I’m no quitter….

Christmas came and went, it was pleasant enough, I received some beautiful gifts, shared time with loved ones, but it was a massive time of self discovery, my strengths, weaknesses…my Achilles heel…I have only one and that’s those I love…So knowing this, I decided everything else didn’t matter, as long as they are well, as long as their there in whatever way they choose, the rest I can face alone if the time comes, and that know how it will …I can take on the beast of many faces, it’s shadowy form haunting me…, …I once read a story about young warriors who were sent out in the long cold nights of winter to test their bravery in hunting and learn survival skills, . One place they all feared, was a legendary deep dark cave, it was believed to be haunted by a ghost of a mighty fighter…All who came upon him in the night, either ran home terrified, or died grotesquely deaths…legends travelling down the ages, only served to make the creature bigger, more fierce, Men avoided the cave altogether….until one particular harsh winter’s night, a loan warrior was forced to take refuge in the very cave, wind whipped around the outside of the cave mouth, with it, heavy snowfall,

Cold, wet and tired our man was lucky enough to find oddments of dry kindling, Cutting some of his hair with a knife, using flint from kit he had carried upon he’s back, he built a small fire…warming his hands in front of the flickering embers, instantly feeling better…eating a little dried Elk meat his strength soon returned, then deciding to sleep until morning, for it was madness to try to travel on, Snow was settling fast,piling up at the entrance, temperatures dropping outside….it was warm in the cave ,eyes drooping, he soon slept, waking occasionally to add to the fire, when awake he sang to comfort himself, watching dancing shapes form in the amber glow upon the dark walls,

He sang to his ancestors, calling upon the men to guide him through the long night, he felt their voices echo around him, the breathes played in his hair, grandfathers, great grandfathers, sat with him by the fireside, he slept deeply finally in the full knowledge they stood guard, …..he hadn’t slept long though before something woke him, heart pounding in his chest, like a million butterflies trying to escape, his nerves taut, ready to fight, like those long gone on before him, …even with the fire, the air had turned freezing, the shadowy figures taller, Sounds vibrating, reverberating, energy flicked like lightning, every muscle now tight, he stilled himself, reaching down for the knife he used earlier, hand clasping the bone handle., Looking about him in the darkness, his eyes soon settled upon a shadow hunkered at the back of the cave…At first the man trembled, how could he take on such a mighty beast, it was bigger, for sure stronger surely….but what choice was there?, If not him who?

Soon he refound his courage, the songs of the long past filled the cave, he called to the shadow as he stood up tall, straight, …but the taller the man tried to appear, the shadow mocked him, it too grew in stature, he waved his knife in anger…the creature mimicking him, but coming no closer….after time the man weary but thoughtful, realised something …….the shadow beast couldn’t move if he didnt, so he sat back by the fire, too tired, accepting of his fate….as he sat in the chill, the creature also seemed glad to be seated…he called once more, but this time instead of repelling the beast, he called it to sit at his side by the fire, come into the light and get warm….as he lifted his hand to indicate friendship, the truth became apparent…..it was just a trick of the light…the mighty beast was no more than himself, his inner fears just made it appear larger…he would fear the beast no more,… leaving the cave the next day chuckling to himself as he walked away…Still it left him with the true knowledge that although the shadow beast hadn’t been real, What he had found was a new courage, if he could take on a beast so momentous in stature, (his own fears), then he could take on anything….

So what’s the Moral of our tale, I too had built up my fears, not willing to face them, the more attention I gave them, the bigger they grew, until I had nowhere left to run, So I could either invite it to the fire to get a closer look, or exhaust myself by remaining fearful, …I won’t say I’m no longer scared, because that’s a lie, but what I know to be true is if you can’t change something, then let it be, if it’s for you it’s for you…..Anyway what I can do something about, Is start off our new year, by wishing you all well, May it bring peace, love and hope throughout…stay safe, stay well out there 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

APP Gate…Beam me up dear diary…

For the last two weeks the weather hasn’t exactly been in cooperation mode, now before I’m jumped on from a great height and squished into the carpet ewwww..Yup I get fully winter has a way of being contradictory(not constipated as my lovely spell check so thoughtfully just tried adding,😊 although I was inclined to leave it😏),anyhoo after numerous days of heavy rain,(and me ready to retrieve my best purple power tools out and build an Ark) Tuesday decided to dawn differently… On pulling back the heavy living room curtains, I spied this massive shiny ball up in the sky, firstly i thought suspiciously it had to be a trick😮, So I went out and made a coffee, tippy toed back in to take another look, imagine my shock.. it was still there!!!!, what’s more the sky was a glorious cobalt blue, no hint of a cloud even😮😮😮, I know,!! was it the end of the world?, Aliens landing or just a welcome interlude between deluges?…Whatever it was i for one was going to take full unfettered advantage of the situation…

Showering quickly and throwing on the first clothes available, I had decided that, that day was indeed going to be the day I assisted Santa in his endeavours, Wrapping up some packages, then wing them on their merry way to America, I had up until this moment put it off, not sure why really, just the thought of Taxis, dealing with the post office, people and putting real shoes on my feet, seemed somehow, well just too much of a bother if I’m honest, but I would grab the day by its baubles!!!! who knew By the end id feel the urge to strangle it, but that was of course before I knew better…do I ever know better?😁.

The signs even in the beginning were there for any fool to witness, but hey in my defence I had only imbibed in one coffee that morning… Oh Honey it takes at least three to get me ticking over these days, let alone my motor running…think we will also need industrial size starter leads if honest …but I was willing if my body wasnt🙄, . I found the wrapping tape, one decent sturdy box, Brown paper, sparkly glue…oh boy, this wasn’t going to end well, it never does🙈😄, Previous years had so often proved this totally, It normally takes upwards of six months to lower, this perfect physical specimen upon the floor, where upon a battle royal does commence between me and said packages, (imagine package Sumo if you will 😁) it’s gonna be a thing one day, I’m convinced…but excuse if I don’t Don one of those over sized dypers, I’m really not quite there yet😊…I’ve depends on speed dial, though for such an occasion😁😁😁😁. But I really should have known better, the packages were in full fledged cooperative mode…staying wrapped😲, the tape didn’t end up taking me hostage either, I even had forethought enough to have the addresses to hand….Your impressed right?????, Please don’t be(shakes head), not yet, in fact not everrrrrrrr!?.

While doing all of the above, my other hand makes futile attempts at calling up the local cab company…After three failed tries, I think to check my credit balance, I know😊….Only to hear a wild sniggering….I swear it did, “Credit”, “Credit”, “woman are you serious”,?, So I ask Jesse who is by watching on with some mix of pity and amusement(he has though in the past said I’m somewhat entertaining, or was that I needed detaining I’m never quite sure🤔) anyway I asked him, if he could put some credit on my phone for me, so I could call for a cab….all the time this is going on, I’ve one eye on the window, waiting for big black clouds to swallow up the sun and it persistent down…Putting credit on my phone is easier for Jesse to do online, as I will somehow mess up, im never sure how.,… But Jesse sets about this while I finish off getting ready for my outting….believe me when I say polar expeditions run smoother…I have to check I have everything numerous times, only to put something down, panic!!!!, Then lose it permanently….it takes talent folks.

Two whole hours later, numerous curse words, the floppy fringe I love so very much about Jesse, now lying in a sad scattered pile upon the carpet, plus also on a somewhat bemused Cumzi dog laying at his feet..Cumzi now looking up somewhat confused, he didn’t remember having bangs like Paul McCartney seconds previous… But in fairness he totally rocked it though😁….After yet another further frustrating hour in chat with my provider, (in other words to a lovely AI chatbot called Mildred, Ethel or Tattanna something), Who tries her hardest to convince us she understood our problem….hell lady we don’t understand us, you with all your wonderous AI-ness have no chance😁, …We also were given numbers to call, along with some 600 digit codes to remember, in just ten seconds or less before they will disappear, dissolve or dismember us or something😁, …like that is going to happen…by this time I’m more than ready to call the whole thing off, Jesse has invited the Chatbot over for Christmas dinner😁, should one be concerned I wonder 😟?, And Sage my Budgie has learnt three whole new swear words for his lexicon …still it makes a change from Bxgger bell his latest favourite I suppose…😁,

In the end Jesse gave the Cab firm a wee thrill, calling from the USA to order a cab for me to be picked up here in the UK 😁😁😁😁😁, You really couldn’t make things like this up could you?…The Chatbot and Jesse are now on first name terms, sharing two hours of messaging back and forth will of course do this…it seems we learnt that, you can no longer top up my Pay as you go sim online…oh no!!, or phone them…🤔, no nowadays you need a thing called an APP….this you must download from Playstore, via Yucatan, Venezuela, Bangladesh or China, which im totally not willing to do…sighs

The day didn’t end there either oh no😔. The cab did arrive, just early😊,…At the post office there was a massive line of customers in front of me, also playing santas little helper elves, assorted bags and boxes flying everywhere across the globe, When I do finally reach one somewhat Harangued postal worker, she looks at my neatly wrapped up items and sighs, ” oh good America”????, “Of course she says shortly”, , with the day id had already even before 10am that morning, I’m in no mood to explain myself, …I just smile sweetly, even after I’m informed of the news there will be added Tariffs on top of the extortionate postal cost,. I wait patiently taking it in turns to rest my tired feet and ankles, while she adds numerous airmail stickers, fills out a barrage of forms, announcing the cost to all within ear shot….once again I grin and wish her a Merry Christmas before taking to my heels to find the nearest cafe…

After the restorative effects of an XXL hot chocolate,, I take a slow deliberate walk to find an unoccupied bench to sit upon, In what’s now left of the fading sun, there I await my cab, watching other people rush about, weighed down by bags, …I’m immediately glad my rush for that day is at an end, taking deep slow breaths, I feel the anxiety begin to leave my body, a smile finds its way across my face as I relive the whole days APP saga, What next will we be required to download an App for?, it seems to me there’s already Apps for just about everything, I even had to sign into an App to write this missive, will we soon need an App to access our Apps,?. Who knows folks, I just know for myself I will be holding out as long as possible….but even I a proud technophobe realises it’s just a matter of time before resistance becomes futile. I will not be assimilated😁😁😁😁😁…take care out there folks, look after you xx

Wintry Dear diary

Its 7:34 pm, I only know this because it says so in the corner of my tablet😁,Otherwise time holds little to no meaning in the wintery evenings…I’m laying in semi darkness, listening to the soft pattering of rain against my bedroom window, there’s a intermittent rhythmic drip drip drop upon an empty white gallon can, it lays there upon its side amongst the soggy grass outside, to some this may prove a real annoyance, I find it oddly comforting, a distraction from the otherwise endless silence, likewise the static buzz from my speakers humming away to themselves,….You would think after all th time I would have become somewhat immune to the deafening hush that fills the tiny rooms each and every night, but for me it’s anything but peaceful, it allows for those conversations playing over in your head, like the haunting three Christmas ghosts in Christmas carol,of the past, of the here and now, those yet to come, it’s an odd conundrum because although I’m not brilliant around others(I know hard to believe right?😃) I also don’t fair particularly within my own company either.

It’s one of the main reasons I venture outside on odd days, it can be hard going because every instinct from within screams at me to stay put, I’m unsure if this is the residual reactions from my past life with severe Agoraphobia or an inner need to listen to my closet recluse, I think if I’m honest I could so easily hide away from society altogether, it wouldn’t take much😊,. Leaving my small flat however takes more energy than I’m prepared to commit sometimes, I paint on a smile with that mornings make up, fill myself with a caffeine infusion and run out the door before I can talk myself out of it..

I cannot venture far however, mainly to the local park, shops or both. In the park i,’ll come across local dog walkers, some I’m actually beginning to recognise now😁, We pass odd pleasantries back and forth, have that topical moan about the weather, some though just nod, I find if honest I like this, it’s a nice remission from my own company, and it’s momentary, not over stressful or requiring me to be overly sociable, I cope, look forward to it even, it also helps they have dogs I get to fuss over, dogs I could quite easily socialise with 24/7, they seem to understand my strange aloofness, uninvolment with others. Dogs just get it😃😃😃😃😃😃😃.

Then there’s always something to pique ones interest, changing colours of trees for instance, although right now their dark skeletal branches are mainly devoid of much in the way of any leaf matter, Some however though have this glorious covering of dark olive green waxy ivy leaves, climbing up ever skyward, searching hairy roots clinging to the bark, there for hiding any embarrassment of the trees wintry nakedness…Small birds flit in amongst the leaf litter, their sometimes so fast, you could quite easily miss that flash of brilliant yellow from an aptly named goldfinch, or the chubby red chested Robin who sits up on the highest branches above little tail bobbing, his clear sweet voice replying to a neighbour off in the distance, I know they are only too aware of my presence amidst them, but whether it’s my slowness of gait, quietness or they just don’t find me any kind of threat, I’ve no idea, but they go about their day, inches from where I walk, I feel dozens of eyes observe this strange bi-ped with some degree of curiosity, almost as much as I watch them, it’s such a privilege …

The bench….

After a slow rather cumbersome stroll across the sodden grass, (it had rained over the previous day and night solid without a half time even😁) Anyway my feet are now making obnoxious squashing sqelching sounds, and im giggling away to myself like a possessed two year old, It around about then, i find myself drawn to an old wooden graffiti covered bench, the feet are truly frozen, aching so this is a welcome resting place, also a chance to observe families of Crows interacting, did you know they play?, Often finding a twig or pebble to throw and run after😁,. Huge soft Grey winged wood pigeons snuffling about the grass in search of their breakfast, Dog walkers greeting each other, while throwing balls off into the distance for their dogs to fetch, the dog runs off in some obedient pretension of locating their ball, only to get distracted in seconds by the thick undergrowth nearby, there they go off on their own sniffing adventures. Our equivalent of reading the paper, you can find out a mine of information when your nose is upon the ground…you,’ll have to take my word for this😁😁😁😁😁😁

I in turn watch from a safe distance🙂, part yet apart from their day, This said, every once in a while, As I sit quite immersed in my own thought, a peculiar thing happens.(nice though)..Someone will warily approach, sort of sidling across, before finally plucking up the courage to ask, somewhat timidly, “Can they share the bench”?😁, and I despite my lacking in any form of social togetherness,, well if im honest quite welcome this intrusion of introspection…it’s like that sad, dilapidated graffiti covered bench offers a momentary window of opportunity, a chance meeting of minds, whether alike or otherwise, a chance to share with another a section of their day, And for that brief time, in that no man’s land of companionship it’s like my awkwardness dissipates, I become fully relaxed into this stranger’s company, yet we are not strangers for now, not in the true sense anyway, because we fill those stolen few moments full of our lives, talk of our place of birth, families, dogs, issues of the day, the obligatory weather chat, absolutely anything goes, and it’s wonderful, in fact it’s more than wonderful those captured minutes are Golden and I for one love them…whatever happens upon that tired wooden bench is nothing short of miraculous, magical….

Well enough of my endless chatter, I’ve got hot chocolate to make, the garden birds to feed, their water to de ice, and washing to somehow get dry indoors🤔, oh the bloody joys…Anyhoo folks it’s snowing, cold enough to freeze the wotsits off a brass monkey, get icicles on your flute, so whatever your about today, wrap up warm, put on your fleecy undies and avoid black ice, there’s nowt dainty about landing on your butt, plus it’s embarrassing…..yeah I did😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, still I like purple😁. Take care all and look after you.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜