Tag: mental-health

Art for Art sake…Dear Diary

Autumn is approaching us fast, with it appears the overwhelming need to enhance my nest(home),. I find myself doing this embellishing thing quite unconsciously😁, adding yet another candle to my shelves, which are in truth already over burdened, a bright coloured Afghan throw, newly laundered lays upon the chair or at the bottom of the bed, also my ever burgeoning house plant collection almost always acquire more planty friends around this time also, these just magically happen,😁, My last accidental plant now stands monster sized, one spectacular vision of Purple inch plant, My friend Debbie swore I didn’t need another plant!!!!…but what does she mean even?, I innocently ask? Who doesn’t need yet another house plant or three?, How can one go into the long cold hard winter months, devoid of green growing things?😮, those little signs of life popping up about you while your attempting a full fledged hibernation…

Then there’s my twig collection..ok not quite a collection as of yet!, but there’s two of em now😊….the first I came across quite by chance, I mean not that you ever set out on a stroll, with the intention of bringing home odd shaped twigs, like some over excited Labrador😁, But as I walked about our local park last year, I came across this wonderful gnarly, cream coloured piece of fallen branch, bleached by that summer sun, flecks of silver rough bark remained on odd sections, but it’s the way it twists in and about itself that caught my eye, before I knew what I was doing, I stooped down all surreptitiously like, looking around to see if I was being watched😁, before grabbing the piece of branch, the rest as they say is history, it now dwells upon my sideboard with an assortment of plants dotted around it, looking most natural there..

Permission to mess up….

For some weeks now I’ve been watching small videos on water colour painting, most of which I squirrel away into the saved section,hoping to attempt at some point in the dim and distant future, that almost never happens though😊 …, I’ve always wanted to learn in fairness, not being at all naturally gifted, like my talented father and Aunt.. I have though somewhat dabbled half heartedly in the past(im a confessed dabbler of old😁) but my sad attempts fail dismally, somewhat like my painting the walls, somehow I end up with more paint upon the table, myself or floor than where it’s intended for…(that paint gets just everywhere…including my underwear….no your best off not asking, because even I’m without a clue….or is that infact clueless? (shakes head)I never know….but it’s a talent in its own self…

This said, recently Ive found myself watching one very talented lady from the United States, who yes still irritatingly enough makes everything look so damned simple😊, but along with this simplicity comes a brand new strategy..one I can get behind 100%,, One that also gives even those under achievers like myself fresh hope… So what’s new?, Well she starts from the very beginning, encouraging not only experimentation with water colours, but to go back to drawing and painting from your early childhood … Remember those quaint Square houses, triangle bodied people and the sun peeping from one corner of your school pictures so cute😊, Painting back then was innocent, creative and from the heart, . Something as an adult we have sadly lost forever…I also fall into this category, I had stopped being happy with my work, creations, mainly because I sought others approval, Needing to conform, Paint like those artist I greatly admire, Produce work like Stubbs, Dali, Constable and Van Gogh, my own excellent father…in my need to reach that pinnacle, I had missed the point…. creation for creations sake.

Not only does she absolutely encourage you to have fun..but there was one sentence she uttered as she worked,it struck home, right to my heart…that is give yourself permission to mess up. In doing this all tension is off…simple isn’t it?😁😁😁, why oh why didn’t I think of this before?, In the giving of this huge gift, permission to well, fail if needs be…and all the while learning from that very failure, there’s no pressure…you don’t have to create an old master..a work of art…just simply enjoy and create…

This is spilling over into all sorts of other parts of my life , I find myself more willing to try those things I would never have dreamed of just weeks previous…Things I thought impossible for me to achieve, yes If I’m going to be entirely honest, i still make those once dreaded mistakes, Oh how I bungle and fluff my way through some projects 😊, but I no longer get frustrated, or call myself stupid…More importantly, is my new unwillingness to just down tools, Saying to myself “I just can’t do this”, this is because I’m finding I actually can…it’s so refreshing to find I had that lacking confidence all along…I just needed permission to do things my own way, and learn it’s ok to mess up also….

Whatever your doing these beautiful autumnal days, give yourself permission to just enjoy the process, you’ve no one more important to impress but yourself..take care of yourself and stay safe…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Believe you can and your halfway there ..Theodore Roosevelt…Dear Diary

Monday…

I love the above quote, it’s so appropriate for me at this moment in time, well anytime really, As is also his Man in the Arena address, given on the 23rd of April 1910…I have this enlarged, framed above my bed…One constant and wonderful reminder that no matter how difficult life can seem for you at times, all the while your here, showing up each morning there’s a chance, a chance for things to improve…it’s a thought I cling to, But quite unlike Jack clinging to that huge lump of wood in the cold cold cruel sea( reference, the film Titanic) I’m hanging on bloody tightly to it…shoving Rose off if needs be 😮😁😁😁…. I can do ruthless😁.

Captains Log day Star date 138…

According to my phones Pedometer I’ve survived 138 days of healthy living…(shows you how well it knows me), Some days have been slightly more questionable, if not darn outright outrageous…On my birthday for example, way back in April for.. As that clock struck half passed Barn owl, which sounds absolutely more like a dementor or in fact a hallucinogenic Terradactyl, don’t ask it’s a clock I thought a good idea at one point in time, while alone scrolling unattended on the Zon… It has different bird sounds for every hour…(yeah I know what was I thinking?, this has yet to be determined though😁 but I digest….no not digest Treez stop ittt, digress thats it, I digress …Anyway it was late, my birthday, I was alone late into the night, a big Bar of Galaxy chocolate also sitting alone in the living room sideboard drawer…crying out pitifully with its seductive siren silky voice….I bellowed at it, although none too loudly in my mind like one does, (tell me this is even a real thing right?!!!!)…”stop, cease, quit, desist, please!!..but it wasn’t paying attention enough obviously…So I showed it who was Boss and ate it huh!!!!!!!, it was it’s own fault don’t feel sorry for it!!!!….But since that lone fateful cold night when that bar of chocolate and I shared a very brief special moment I’m proud to say I’ve been good….

As you also know I can’t abide the D word, no not Dentist (sighs😁..mumbles under breath, behind thebhand.. dxxt….You all know the one, denoting immediate deprivation, starvation, and never eating a single nice thing for EVER ever!!!!!!😮, But with my height not matching up to my ever expanding waistline, something had to be done, either that or buy more elastic waisted pants !….so back in February there I was, I stood bare foot in the cold, hail, fog and rain, pause for dramatic effect😁, Sacrificing everything last little thing with even slightest amount of yummyness at the alter of the Green Goddess,, aka the Bin, Yes after a brief prayer, chant, candle lighting and crossing myself, you have to cover all those bases don’t you?, I called upon the Gods old and new to make me slender, svelte,lissom and sylphlike overnight…..your not surprised it didn’t happen are you?😁…..nah me neither, guess there really is only one way then sighs?…we going in!!!

A lettuce leaf and half a cherry tomato 🍅,

Ok just a slight exaggeration, but I have been eating far more vegetation…vegetables, I joke about ditching, the cakes, sweets, and anything over processed as being a chore..but if I’m totally honest it was the right time for me..I had researched the subject thoroughly, not taking this on-board lightly or as a whim…after reading four books, listening to podcast after podcast on Spotify..everything fell with a loud thud into place…takes a while for me to catch up folks,😁, really does…the evidence was staring me in the face though..back about seven years ago I lost 60lbs in just over six months, no starvation, no endless trips to the torture chamber(Gym)… Just giving up Sugar, carbs and eating more lean meat, fish and veg…After the initial headaches from coming off sugar(that should tell you all you need right there), but something odd happened…I began to feel better, I had more energy, no brain fog, my pain levels became more manageable, even a long standing stomach issue cleared up…it was official I felt good!!! More importantly my blood pressure dropped, I went from six tablets daily to two, my weight slowly but surely began fall also…

I’m sorry to say though just after a year, I had slipped back into my old eating habits…along with the dreaded weight gain, my health nose dived..my pain levels doubled, last year, In fact i spent six months virtually bed bound…my knee swollen and agony, my doctors telling me to rest it up and all would be well…I bowed to their professional knowledge, because that’s what one does when given advice and your desperate… But the pain never decreased, the swelling became more apparent, as did the ever increasing weight gain from being immobile for months, it’s not im a constant eater, or even a picker, no matter how often I joke about it, no it’s not the amount of food I eat, but what I eat…the convenience food, the quick dinner because it hurts too much for me to stand, even small sweet treats spark inflammation around the body…

By February I had come to a conclusion something had to give, and it wasnt going to be me, not this time.., I posted how i ditched anything with sugar, ultra processed, or carb laden…Since then I’ve lost nearly 30lb…Yes watching everything you eat in the beginning is tedium to say the least…Eating out is difficult to almost impossible…but it’s about what you want most…what I want, crave, ney need…is normality, I want to wake ready to greet another dawn, I will never be pain free, because That’s my lot in life, Pain and I have become old friends, kind of strange I know, but acceptance is the key…what I can do something about though is improving things for myself…I’ve seen so many doctors now, specialist, and as kind as their intentions are, I’m no better…My illnesses are incurable, but there’s no harm in making the best of a bad situation…I feel better taking charge of my own health,it’s something I can do,… I will also keep researching, keep eating a healthy foods only, nutritious, fresh. Making wise choices…

As the months pass by, I find myself no longer craving the foodstuff I would eat previously, rather I’m enjoying the taste of fruit,not just enjoying actually, but really tasting it almost for the first time…peaches for instance have never tasted better, flavour intensified exponentially, I no longer need to over season food, it’s own clean earthy flavours, textures being far more preferential now…this way of eating isn’t for everyone, I get that …but if it improves my life even by a fraction I’m ready to work at it some more…the 30lb weight loss although a bonus is nothing to the clarity of thought, increased energy and decrease of meds…here’s to the next six months in the Arena…whatever your doing this beautiful summers day, enjoy, stay safe and look after yourself.x💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹

Dear Diary from within the meat locker 😁

Someday _Sundays

Originally I opened my eyes around the 4am mark, Say originally as I drifted someplace between sleep and non committal wakefulness..Being a Sunday though I waited until my body and brain fell into some kind of full cooperation before attempting to leave my nice warm bed, I only have this vague recollection it’s Sunday because I’m staring bleary eyed at the picture on my new calendar ,… Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, promptly smearing any remaining make-up across my cheeks, the call of the kettle finally wins over any fear of stepping out into the icy blast of the apartment, I swear this place has a whole different eco system… I bravely tiptoe across the room trying frantically to keep as much of me actual foot off the floor, fully expecting to see gambling white Artic Hares, or Eskimo,s waving to me as they fish through ice holes, that’s ice holes folks not to be confused with others holes😁….

I impatiently wait for the water to boil, eventually the kettle comes to a shuddering silent halt, I pull my baggy pale blue t shirt down around my legs trying hopelessly to stop them changing from a subtle blue hue to a rather attractive shade of violet…i fail dismally. hands shaking I manage to leave a perfectly round coffee circle upon the steel draining board just attempting to get some coffee into the gaping great mug top…it looked like a crop circle just in coffee form really😊,…I am at this point too cold to argue with myself and clean it up, placing my hands gratefully about the now warm mug, I take it back to bed to thaw out….if you think at this point I embellish for any purposes, I’m kidding ye not…..three mornings, the other week I checked my thermometer to find temperature,s from between 5 to as low as 3c….take into account it’s 1 outside 😲, twice I’ve seen my breathe as I’ve yawned….no that’s not dragon breathe either….well it could well be with the amount of coffee I consume…..

I did have plans for the day ahead, which as the morning wore on, I knew without any shadow of a doubt would have to be firmly posted to the back burner… A pain flare was in full force, whether from the cold, an EDS thing or just because…whichever I’ve little clue, I rarely if ever succumb to these no matter it’s longevity or severity…that day I had not the energy or stubbornness to carry on so I lay reading late into the day, when I finally gave into a restless sleep and pain meds…

Friday night spent with Eowyn….

With storm warnings posted all over, facebook, and the local news for over a week, One could hardly be off knowing about it’s impending visitation, that’s unless of course you live in a two up two down igloo someplace off in the wilds of the Artic….oh hang on I do😁, But seriously that Friday Evening Jesse had fallen asleep early, I left to my own devices had been happily ensconced in bed watching numerous episodes of a new Nordic noir I found, quite oblivious to everything, …As the last episode finished, I realised how quiet it had suddenly become around me…. But quiet isn’t the word im searching for though, silent wouldn’t even begin to describe this…. But have you ever experienced the sensation where you feel isolated completely alone, i can only liken it to Your that last woman standing😊, the very last human survivor…I turned off my tablet, laying back against my numerous pillows, closing my eyes all the better experience the sensation about me…I comprehend fully it was night time, not many people are going to be around ect, but this felt different somehow, I felt suddenly unsettled, skin tinglingly so, …getting up I looked out the living room window, there was as yet no signs of the forecast storm…But then I looked back to another evening, another storm, The infamous 1987 one, it had been somewhere Around midnight, and I was taking my dogs out for their last bathroom break, there also I had been struck by how unusually quiet it was, barely a breathe of breeze, the trees completely still, I stood looking up into the sky, the moon had had a magnificent lilac halo, silvery clouds scudding by it at speed, yet still nothing at ground level…then also I felt that odd sensation, like an electric current passing through the very air…I can remember remarking to a lady walking home that evening how odd it felt out…I wasn’t to know just hours later we were about to experience one of the most destructive storms in our history…that was until the news was full of it the following day….like then also storm eowyn made he’s presence felt…I read we are due another time in the next few days…people are already out emptying the shelves at supermarkets, Anyhow enough from this old windbag, 😁, whatever your upto, stay safe, take care and look after you….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛