Dear diary..the undecided

Tuesday June 30th

It’s early, very early in fact, with very limited sleep, I choose to rise and go about the routine that’s stood me in good stead for many years now, First I turn on the water heater, then click on that other vital water heater, the most important one, I might add…”the kettle”, I half listen for that tell tale click sound, letting me know it’s going about its job, working, that same sound sets off a sequence of events for the day, While I wait, I look out of the living room window, nose pressed against the cool glass, checking on my garden, “What’s todays weather”?, I see the sky is overcast, a silvery platinum grey covering, with it maybe a promise of some very welcome summer rain, but apart from this all is quite normal, or is it?…

The beginning…March

With the event of spring, the renewal of life, waking of earth, a change creeps slowly upon me, deep in the night while I slept curled up peacefully…I have witnessed so many betrayals throughout my years, and face each and every one, head on,. this thing was to be different though wasn’t it?, this chose its timing well, a vulnerable time, While I dreamt of my loved ones, safe, secure. ….Roughly an hour after falling into sound sleep, I was awakened by a sudden sharp pain in my left breast…it was painful enough to disturb me for some seconds, before i drifted back off, thinking little to nothing of it again…. Some days were to pass by quite uneventfully enough, everything in its place, But in this i was mistaken, lulled by life’s mundane silences…fooled again into a false sense of security.

Just days later as I bent down to retrieve something from the floor,there was a sharp sudden pain deep within my chest, it was infact considerable enough to stop me mid movement, for me to rub the area, Only this time I was fully awake, I could not pass off the event as an unwelcome dream disturbance…No instead this was most real….of all the things I fear,. night creatures, demons and shadows, all the things Im most vigilant about…this walked silently, stealthily into my life..it was though infact, an old enemy, One I had done battle and defeated some 23 years since, ….Over those years I have grown sloppy, no longer looking around corners for it to creep up…that silent viper in my Bosom….literally!

But there it was, is, a painful lump…at first I was going to say I held my secret to my chest, 😊 but it thats how it was,…I needed to process this information, sit with it….I heard the voices within my head, voices of those of whom love me, Go to the doctors, Go get it checked out….it will all be fine, you,’ll be fine…But as much as this would have been good advice, I just couldn’t bring myself to hear it…it’s the right advice for sure, advice I would tell every man or woman facing this self same dilemma…but this was my thing, personal to me, me alone, my decision…I didn’t want it taken out of my hands like the previous time, from the moment I presented with it to my GP, every decision was taken out of my hands, I was no longer Theresa, I was A Cancer patient…I was a diagnosis, therefore I must be cured…I wasn’t asked, consulted, involved, it was cold, clinical, devoid of all humanity, indeed dignity…I was no longer Treez with the wicked sense of humour, slightly, well ok extremely eccentric, whacky, different….I had cancer, therefore from that moment on, I was nothing more…the had Cancer defined me…took over me as it grew within…

So here’s the thinking in my mind, I need time, time!!!! most of you are saying right now, but Treez you don’t have time to borrow…..No maybe not, or just maybe I do, I don’t know, honestly I dont….But for some months now walking, daily living has become exceptionally painful, I’m in pain 24/7, I know of nothing else, yes I can do pain, I have done since my birth…EDS, Ehlers Danlos, will do that…its not voluntarily, but I meet it in every arena, I may get bruised, bloodied, but I stand ready for the next fight, never flinching from the constraints, the pain monsters talons….The only thing now is walking has become almost impossible, and how I love to walk people, ….Even if it is just to the local park, where i can sit a spell, amid the trees, recharging my being, filling up my batteries, no matter how bad life gets, how ill I become, I find myself without knowing why, walking my way to the nearest patch of trees and grass..it’s been my thing since my mum first lost me at four years old😁 ….I had strayed …went walk about, feral, Only to return an hour later from my adventures over a local field…almost as if it was the most natural thing in the world, because of course it was….it is..I cannot imagine a time I havnt done this exact thing….I need it, its sustenance, like the very air in my lungs…without this?, well there is no without, I cannot imagine a world without this in it…you may as well cage me up and lose the key, I’m a product of nature, a wild thing…I’m that bare foot, wild haired, gypsy hugging a tree, talking to bees, birds, conversing with butterflies, it’s all ingrained in my soul ……

So what’s one thing to got do with the other?, Well let me try to explain, i suppose in my conscious or unconscious mind, (in vaults locked away somewhere, I’m unsure of what I want yet, not want exactly… More need. If I visit my doctors, the ability to decide for myself, will be over in a minute, stolen from me, I’m not ready to relinquish control over myself, it’s my body, the one thing I posses thats truly mine, the rest, we rent while we reside on this planet, and I don’t want that…I’m not saying I’m ready to give up either, because that’s never further from the truth…I will fight this thing with every fibre of my being, I meet it head on most days, I look it in the eye, I don’t fear it, death is no longer the unspoken demon for me…it’s a certainty….but I also need the embrace of mother nature, the comfort it provides, it succours my exhausted body like a mother, unstintingly, generously. I call upon it more these days, relying heavily on its grace……compare this if you will, to sterile hospital wards, equally cold sterile people and a cold shiver goes up my spine…it scares me, more than the Cancer…

Don’t get me wrong, I have sat under my favourite Sycamore tree, back resting against its strong trusty bark, thinking so is this it?, What am I to expect now?, Shall I buy those shoes I want?, read that book, will there be time?, am I in fact watching time slip between my fingers, like an oversized hour glass, ….is there a manual for this?, A YouTube video?, Has anyone wrote a book about facing death, ….Most days I go about life quite normally, as I said upfront, my routine is my saviour, it holds me steadfast in a world Im unsure of, shaky ground, It’s all so new and I hate change😉😊…Up until now this has been my secret and mine alone…I guess if I’m honest I didn’t want anyone to treat me differently, as they did before, never meeting my eye, avoiding my touch, walking away when they saw me, …..there,s a line in the Robbie Williams song, Feel…come and hold my hand, I want to contact the living, this speaks volumes to my heart right now. As it did it did once before….

I don’t know why I’m writing all this, except I suppose in the remote hope some one anyone will understand me…do you know what’s odd?, In middle of thoughts of death and dying I’ve never felt more at one with the planet I live on, with the animals, plant life, I’ve never felt so alive in my life, more hungry for more….I still don’t know what I’m doing with this thing, but I’m at one with it, I don’t want sympathy, i hate that..never feel sorry for me, because right now I’m the richest of people, feeling more in the moment than I have a right too….what I want more than anything is acceptance, trust for me to know what’s best for me, as I said earlier this is not me being defeated, this if anything its my battle cry, I’ve painted my face, love is my shield, and in ready to commence war ….all I ask?, is if your in this with me allow me to know what I need, what’s best for me, stand at my side with honesty, love and not judgement….

For my loved ones, I hadn’t kept this quiet because I didn’t want you to know, it’s just I needed this time, yes maybe it was selfish, but illness is, it’s insular, a quiet time for reflection, a peaceful time for coming to terms,…and I truly have…for giving me space and time I can’t thank you enough, I have the bloody best people in my life….now that’s out there I can get back to normal …😁, yes I said that, well as normal as I get anyhow….😁😁😁😁. Take care of you.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛.

l