Do you ever wonder about the subconscious,?, No….. well stay with me on this for a wee moment…Grab yourself a cuppa and I will try to explain myself, (may take some doing mind…are you Back?!, Ok let’s start at the beginning, good place huh😁?…
June 2022
I had moved into this flat back in the April, i have to admit I wasnt real thrilled at the prospect, but it was the only place available at that time….So I made the best of a bad situation, …One of its few advantages for instance, was it had a modest laundry area for hanging out of yah smalls, no laughing now😁, all mod cons hmm, . Ok before usage i also had to remove a ton of killer BlackBerry vines to access said area, Vines that had been left to run rampant since the beginning of time,. looking at the thickness and length of them, nothing surprised me, they were lethal beasties with long tentacles……that’s tentacles😊, I really did take my life in my hands tackl that project folks, Anyhow I digress ….yeah I know you cant believe it 😁….
As I worked away each day doing a little more, Hacking, sawing and chopping, yet still ever more blooming BlackBerry appeared to take its place, I on the other hand Looking for all the world, like I was suffering the death of a thousand cuts…just more slowly!… One afternoon I felt this unnerving sensation, it felt like eyes upon me, Every few minutes I would stop, turn around real slow vainly hoping to catch out who was watching me, only to see nothing, because there was nothing!….this went on for days, no weeks even, I began to think maybe the trauma of yet another move, had messed with already over wrought mind….
By the time I had almost cleared the area enough for me to finally use it, not only did I feel like an intrepid explorer, machete-ing my way through a killer BlackBerry jungle, but I had with time become somewhat accustomed to being over looked…does one ever get used to it, I dunno but it no longer bothered me, let’s move the story on shall we,
The weather grew warmer and with it, I spent more time out of doors sitting outside each day, just taking the air….As I did so, I would throw out seed and meal worms for the locals, that’s birds by the way, you will be glad to hear, not neighbours 😊, it wasn’t long before one bird in particular showed his prowess, a very territorial Blackbird, not only would he come down while I walked about, but he chased off any other blackbirds in that vicinity, it was his yard so anything in it also his, food included😊…he allowed for the small sparrows, finches and robins, but anything else was given short shrift….including cats….no I’m serious😁
Over the months I began noting him more, listening to his very distinctive call, … Did you know for instance they have certain calls for different things….if it was going to rain, his voice took on a different pitch, clear, longer notes, shorter pauses, as he flew over my garden another sound almost as if he was heralding his import and immediate arrival….After a while I began to recognise each song or call, but more than that I could tell him apart from any interlopers…I admired their bravery😁… It was on one very still warm afternoon he let out a sudden long piercing call, one I hadnt up to this point heard before so didn’t recognise it, this was followed by a series of hurried tck tck tck sounds,….I looked outside my window, watching him dart back and forth the fenced in laundry area…something seemed to be bothering him greatly, to say he was agitated was putting it mildly, I felt immediate concern for the jaunty little bird and was soon taking a walk about the area, it wasn’t long before I spotted a black cat crouching in the long grass,
I had seen her about over the weeks and took her for living local, but my little Blackbird friend wasn’t having any of it…He had by now earned the name white feather…having a singular long white flight feather on his right wing..I loved this wee birds tenacity, nothing frightening him, I had even seen him pulling the tail of one local Raven, he didn’t let up either, not until it finally had had enough taking to the air with an loud indignant Caw!!!!…after around about roughly a year, We had formed a strange bird, human bond…Often I would charge outside after hearing the Warning tck tck tck, to chase off the odd cat, not that he ever needed my help …He also had a wicked sense of fun, swooping low down over my head,back n forth as I hung out the laundry, then sitting upon the fence after, his beady black eyes full of mischief, if birds could laugh he would have.
Then something even stranger happened, he began following me about, firstly around the immediate area, then gradually on short walks, flitting from fence to fence, flitting wings impatiently, bored with my slow ungainly pace, Our walks amused me greatly, I found myself looking for him, it was a rare occasion that he didn’t shoot out of a bush shrieking his signature song over head, …if I sat over the park, he would forage at the bottom of the shrubbery, before showing himself suddenly as in some made up game of hide n seek…I admit I fell for his charm and character over the months, enjoying walks, playing spot feather…
A year later another wee bird came surprisingly into my life, …I had been talking to Jesse about locating a budgie at some point, for company in the flat, he surprised me in that March by arranging for me to pick out one at a local pet shop, in the end mind, I didn’t get to choose….this beautiful blue budgie aka Sage choose me!, Coming to the front of the cage, bobbing his head merrily and chattering away…I could almost reach in and touch him…it was instant love, well on my part anyhow, as I carried my precious cargo home, him in his tiny box, he chatted continually, I knew then and there we were a match😁.
And what a match it was, he learnt words quicker than most two year olds, Some of them not what you would want repeated at polite gatherings though shall we say, his favourite for some reason Pervert!!!!!, This I thought at first just random chatter….but no if something bothered him or on another occasion when he didn’t like the cracker I had offered him, he bellowed Pervert! At the piece of biscuit in his foot before throwing it down….his sudden antics had both myself and Jesse in hysterics, another favourite word being Weird, or it!! Bellowed at me, if he wanted something I was eating…
He hated me being anywhere away from his sight, taking to calling out where are you? What you doing?, I would answer of course, but nothing would mollify him but for me to lug him into the other room, he had free range, but he liked the security of his cage nearby, going in there to go to the bathroom😁…. He really caught at my heart the first time he said “love you” damn! that little bird knew how to eat into my hard exterior!, And did with bells on, I loved him no , blue feather strewn rooms an all.
My little world soon went on to became enriched not once, not twice, but thrice over, not only had I white feather, Sage, but a year later while planting out bulbs ready for spring,. A tiny Robin perched on the fence above where I worked, he sang clear and sweet, his tiny tail bobbing as he watched my Labour,, again no fear, which is common with these little garden birds…he after a while deemed it safe enough, to land just feet away, rummaging in the freshly dug over soil for bugs, I chatted to him as we worked on, cheered by his presence, this was regular thing…
Over that winter I fed all the birds, but was never content until I spotted both Feather and Robin, listening for their voices amid the many, their company most important because i live alone, winters are longer for those of us without company, they were no longer just birds but comfort…friends…dare I say it, yeah I loved them, es I loved my Pigeons, Starlings, and Crows, but it was Feather, then Robin who followed me on my walks, Sat on the fence while I worked in the garden, it was their fun antics that chased away the long winter blues, between all three we formed a unique flock, odd I grant you but wonderful….
So what has this to do with the opening sentence, well sadly one after the other I lost all three birds, Feather first, his pure sweet voice falling silent forever, no longer buzz bombing my head, or screaming at cats, I couldn’t account for when I last saw him, but I knew it happened, and my tiny world grew the smaller for it…..just months later during our long hot summer, Robin starting coming in closer to me, literally feet away, I just took it he trusted me finally, we understood each other….it was on one of the occasions where I sat out, drinking my coffee, him on his favourite plant pot, that I noticed his damaged beak, I began crushing up suet pellets smaller for him to eat, he in turn, came in ever closer the week that followed, I sensed something not right, more than just a damaged beak, I guess he did also, he still followed me about, but slower, his wee feathers puffed up, dull and lack luster, I guess I knew what was coming but choose to block it out, hoping by doing so it wouldn’t happen….but come it did, just days later I spotted his little body in the garden, lifeless, no more songs or playful chatter …my garden had never felt more lonely or such a dark place….then Imagine my shock, a shock I felt just weeks after, I lost Sage, there are no words, because I can’t summon them, there never will be words, one after the other they left this gaping hole, a monstrous hole I can’t fill… Now Sage and Robin lie together, birds that never met, but United in the love I felt for their tiny fragile feathered souls, yes I know some are saying but theyre just birds….No, no they will never be just birds, because each chose me, each let me inside their lives, made it richer, brighter and full of song….and now to the point, some months down the line, when I thought things had eased, I kept hearing an ear worm…song, each morning, over and over, I began singing it…playing it on Spotify trying to extricate it from my mind, I hadn’t heard it since the 90s and here it was…large as life, at first it annoyed me…but not now, maybe unconsciously I hadn’t done with the grieving process..my subconscious mind helping me let go, telling me every little things gonna be alright…..the song…Three little birds, by Bob Marley…I don’t understand the why for,s I won’t question it, but it helps….like those three little in the song, singing melodies pure and true…this was the message…..anyway enough of my twittering away, whatever your doing on this rainy day…take care of you…🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛
