For the last two weeks the weather hasn’t exactly been in cooperation mode, now before I’m jumped on from a great height and squished into the carpet ewwww..Yup I get fully winter has a way of being contradictory(not constipated as my lovely spell check so thoughtfully just tried adding,😊 although I was inclined to leave it😏),anyhoo after numerous days of heavy rain,(and me ready to retrieve my best purple power tools out and build an Ark) Tuesday decided to dawn differently… On pulling back the heavy living room curtains, I spied this massive shiny ball up in the sky, firstly i thought suspiciously it had to be a trick😮, So I went out and made a coffee, tippy toed back in to take another look, imagine my shock.. it was still there!!!!, what’s more the sky was a glorious cobalt blue, no hint of a cloud even😮😮😮, I know,!! was it the end of the world?, Aliens landing or just a welcome interlude between deluges?…Whatever it was i for one was going to take full unfettered advantage of the situation…
Showering quickly and throwing on the first clothes available, I had decided that, that day was indeed going to be the day I assisted Santa in his endeavours, Wrapping up some packages, then wing them on their merry way to America, I had up until this moment put it off, not sure why really, just the thought of Taxis, dealing with the post office, people and putting real shoes on my feet, seemed somehow, well just too much of a bother if I’m honest, but I would grab the day by its baubles!!!! who knew By the end id feel the urge to strangle it, but that was of course before I knew better…do I ever know better?😁.
The signs even in the beginning were there for any fool to witness, but hey in my defence I had only imbibed in one coffee that morning… Oh Honey it takes at least three to get me ticking over these days, let alone my motor running…think we will also need industrial size starter leads if honest …but I was willing if my body wasnt🙄, . I found the wrapping tape, one decent sturdy box, Brown paper, sparkly glue…oh boy, this wasn’t going to end well, it never does🙈😄, Previous years had so often proved this totally, It normally takes upwards of six months to lower, this perfect physical specimen upon the floor, where upon a battle royal does commence between me and said packages, (imagine package Sumo if you will 😁) it’s gonna be a thing one day, I’m convinced…but excuse if I don’t Don one of those over sized dypers, I’m really not quite there yet😊…I’ve depends on speed dial, though for such an occasion😁😁😁😁. But I really should have known better, the packages were in full fledged cooperative mode…staying wrapped😲, the tape didn’t end up taking me hostage either, I even had forethought enough to have the addresses to hand….Your impressed right?????, Please don’t be(shakes head), not yet, in fact not everrrrrrrr!?.
While doing all of the above, my other hand makes futile attempts at calling up the local cab company…After three failed tries, I think to check my credit balance, I know😊….Only to hear a wild sniggering….I swear it did, “Credit”, “Credit”, “woman are you serious”,?, So I ask Jesse who is by watching on with some mix of pity and amusement(he has though in the past said I’m somewhat entertaining, or was that I needed detaining I’m never quite sure🤔) anyway I asked him, if he could put some credit on my phone for me, so I could call for a cab….all the time this is going on, I’ve one eye on the window, waiting for big black clouds to swallow up the sun and it persistent down…Putting credit on my phone is easier for Jesse to do online, as I will somehow mess up, im never sure how.,… But Jesse sets about this while I finish off getting ready for my outting….believe me when I say polar expeditions run smoother…I have to check I have everything numerous times, only to put something down, panic!!!!, Then lose it permanently….it takes talent folks.
Two whole hours later, numerous curse words, the floppy fringe I love so very much about Jesse, now lying in a sad scattered pile upon the carpet, plus also on a somewhat bemused Cumzi dog laying at his feet..Cumzi now looking up somewhat confused, he didn’t remember having bangs like Paul McCartney seconds previous… But in fairness he totally rocked it though😁….After yet another further frustrating hour in chat with my provider, (in other words to a lovely AI chatbot called Mildred, Ethel or Tattanna something), Who tries her hardest to convince us she understood our problem….hell lady we don’t understand us, you with all your wonderous AI-ness have no chance😁, …We also were given numbers to call, along with some 600 digit codes to remember, in just ten seconds or less before they will disappear, dissolve or dismember us or something😁, …like that is going to happen…by this time I’m more than ready to call the whole thing off, Jesse has invited the Chatbot over for Christmas dinner😁, should one be concerned I wonder 😟?, And Sage my Budgie has learnt three whole new swear words for his lexicon …still it makes a change from Bxgger bell his latest favourite I suppose…😁,
In the end Jesse gave the Cab firm a wee thrill, calling from the USA to order a cab for me to be picked up here in the UK 😁😁😁😁😁, You really couldn’t make things like this up could you?…The Chatbot and Jesse are now on first name terms, sharing two hours of messaging back and forth will of course do this…it seems we learnt that, you can no longer top up my Pay as you go sim online…oh no!!, or phone them…🤔, no nowadays you need a thing called an APP….this you must download from Playstore, via Yucatan, Venezuela, Bangladesh or China, which im totally not willing to do…sighs
The day didn’t end there either oh no😔. The cab did arrive, just early😊,…At the post office there was a massive line of customers in front of me, also playing santas little helper elves, assorted bags and boxes flying everywhere across the globe, When I do finally reach one somewhat Harangued postal worker, she looks at my neatly wrapped up items and sighs, ” oh good America”????, “Of course she says shortly”, , with the day id had already even before 10am that morning, I’m in no mood to explain myself, …I just smile sweetly, even after I’m informed of the news there will be added Tariffs on top of the extortionate postal cost,. I wait patiently taking it in turns to rest my tired feet and ankles, while she adds numerous airmail stickers, fills out a barrage of forms, announcing the cost to all within ear shot….once again I grin and wish her a Merry Christmas before taking to my heels to find the nearest cafe…
After the restorative effects of an XXL hot chocolate,, I take a slow deliberate walk to find an unoccupied bench to sit upon, In what’s now left of the fading sun, there I await my cab, watching other people rush about, weighed down by bags, …I’m immediately glad my rush for that day is at an end, taking deep slow breaths, I feel the anxiety begin to leave my body, a smile finds its way across my face as I relive the whole days APP saga, What next will we be required to download an App for?, it seems to me there’s already Apps for just about everything, I even had to sign into an App to write this missive, will we soon need an App to access our Apps,?. Who knows folks, I just know for myself I will be holding out as long as possible….but even I a proud technophobe realises it’s just a matter of time before resistance becomes futile. I will not be assimilated😁😁😁😁😁…take care out there folks, look after you xx
My American Man In Purple Lace Corsets 