Tag: writing

Dearest Diary….

How strange the last two weeks have been, my mood lurching from exalted highs, to much more grounding lows,. the darker nights draw in, although not effecting me quite so much as many, (well of course not) it is infact throwing me somewhat,.Days seem to be stretching out far longer for some unfathomable reason,..I wake roughly the same time, somewhere between six and seven am, there i begin my morning routine, with the usual three rounds of strong steaming hot coffee,(knowing full well I wouldn’t move without that caffeine kick in the pants😊) Most times I take the first back to bed, sipping it’s warmth, while watching some mindless rubbish on prime, my body warming back up like a basking reptile I need that warmth to move, for as much as I adore this time of year,. nature preparing herself for the long winter shut down, her pause mode, drifting into the oncoming sleep, cometh with winter of course, the not quite so welcome or romantic chill that’s alreasy begun once again to encase the flat, with it of course myself,

Last week I rather perilously clambered up and down my step ladders, half a dozen times, ( heights send my head in a spin, Even if it is just two steps up🙄😊) I was at the time though attempting to cover the bedroom windows with sheets of honeycombed patterned plastic, Because although I’m informed by the Estate agent, that the glazing is in fact suffice, (double glazed), Being No glazier myself of course, instinct tells me it’s far from…Most mornings now I draw back my curtains to see condensation mists fogging half way up each pane, water trails sliding down, leaving puddles of water upon the wood sill.. Taking into further consideration there’s no noise barrier from the outside, then there’s the lovely freezing breeze billowing my curtains, even though they are the heavier lined winter ones I put up mid october.. As I diligently work away at the task at hand, I can’t help but feel an oncoming sadness, Im shutting myself away further still, Away from my beloved outside, where I long to be and love, even though I venture outside less now, upon opening my curtains each morning, light flooded in, with it bringing welcome glimpses of new autumnal colouration, I feel imprisoned further now, another barrier put up in some endeavour to shut out the chill, at the same time closes me in further….but choices are few and I do what I have to, I quickly shut the curtains tightly preventing further sadness building from my new myopic fuzzy view. ….

I’m trying so hard not to use any form of heating, Every now and again bouts of shivering becomes gruesome and tiring, cold eats into my body, I give in finally when my hands are become painful, my nose blue, seems tissues are now a permanent fixture😊, Even though using my dehumidifier doesn’t exactly heat the room of choice, it does knock the temperature up slightly making it almost bearable, also drys the washing,.drying outside the last two weeks has become slowly more impractical..thanks British weather🙄,….When did heating become a luxury here I wonder?, The few times I’ve used it, Guilt washes over me, I watch the smart little blinky monitor that sits upon my chest of drawers, its bright orange pulsing warning light forever informing me I’m going over my electricity budget for that month., Even though I’m increasingly sitting in my dark cold world, the exception being a few cheery strings of flickering battery powered fairy lights, candles with their faint Amber warmth playfully flickering upon the walls….I curl up under my fleece blankets earlier most evenings, Settling down in my cave, like a creature slipping into winter hibernation….

In the week, I ventured out into the small side garden, spending ten minutes clearing small patches of weeds, it’s a brief moment of much needed daylight, I’m only too aware of the benefit of some natural light to ward off depression, doing anything in nature brings about its own reward, as I prepare the ground for the up coming new springs return…it’s like a sacred solemn promise to myself, just as winters approaching fast, with all it the cold onslaught, the darker nights, Spring always always will follow, in other words this too shall pass 😊, … With the soil cold upon my fingers, I shallow dig , clearing weeds and pebbles as I go, I never use gloves to work, it’s just another barrier from myself and mother nature, I love the loamy leafy smell from the patches of earth I work with…it’s smell is cool and delicious, as is the Smokey acrid scent upon the breeze from neighbours log burners, all at once I’m reminded of early morning walks to school, kicking leaves, picking up and inspecting the spent sad firework casings from the night previous, their gunpowdery smell mixing with the bonfire smoke from gardens, grey plumes hanging heavy upon the sharp frosty air…I straighten my aching back, allowing the memory to wash over me, that invisible link from the me of past to the me of today . I’m bought back from time traveling with a bump, as I look about reacquainting myself with my surroundings, out the corner of my eye, I spot a solitary small white pot, filled with early green sprouting daffodil spikes, ….I’m thinking they are from last year’s Paper white Narcissi, …when in flower they are stunning white waxy little multi headed plant, whose sweet perfume fills any room….immediately the compulsion to bring this show of life into my home over takes me…I quickly transfer the many bulbs into an earthen wear pot I had painted a few years back…

They are now sat by the window, their rapidly growing green spires reflect in the warm brown glossy grain of my Cherry wood coffee table, …the blues and sea greens of their hand painted pot adding a much needed splash of colour to the brighten up the otherwise drab livingroom, the life in their pointed leaves brings the outside in, I look forward to them hopefully flowering in the coming weeks,

The mystery of the stinking veggies……

During the last two weeks I’ve had this inexplicable craving for all things veggie, yeah I know I would have to be different🙄, Most folk want sugary carb laden stodge in winter, your cakes, sweets and biscuits….But for me the latest thing is courgettes, leek, Aubergine, carrots, cucumber and onion, all with lashings of garlic ….every night my plate is piled high with steamed crunchy vegetables, the only issue here is, I have to buy ever increasing amounts to top up the sad looking depleted fridge😊, which never bothers me of course, but I do find the increased number of Morrisons deliveries slightly embarrassing, especially living in my ownsome, I often wonder what crosses their mind…id blame Sage but he’s tiny budgie frame would soon give me away….😊.

Take last week for instance, I had my usual Morrisons delivery spot 12:30 on Tuesday, by that Thursday the cupboards or my case fridge was bare, no really it was!!!!!….Only the odd bell pepper and red onion to be seen, that’s not even one meal for moi😊…so I had this brainwave, (no stop it, it’s happens occasionally….tahdahhhhhh! Amazon fresh….remember this name now for future reference please good folksies…..This Zon ordering food malarkey is still fairly new one such as me, but In my opinion im getting the hang of it….I load my interweb virtual basket with Asparagus, Brussels, Green beans, peppers, cougette, tomatoes etc etc😊,. You have to spend over £25 anyway so no problem I think to myself!!!…..it really wasn’t either…I’m lucky enough to secure a 10 o’clock delivery for the very next morning…all good so far, right!!…

Even more impressive is my shopper had managed to find all I had ordered, it’s going to be a good day, I just know it!, . Last Friday In fact dawns one of those rare perfect cloud free Autumn mornings, the skies a glorious periwinkle blue, the sun has that faint surprising warmth attached to it, I’ve woken up in an extraordinary good mood matching the day ahead….I’ve three lines of laundry blowing in breeze…the window in the living room is open, chasing off the frausty too long enclosed air….my coffee is strong and alls right in my tiny corner of the planet….I should have known, this was never going to end well🙄😊😊😊😊😊, .

Just after 10 O’clock there’s the knock on my door, my Amazon delivery has arrived….I have vegetables at last, yay I can eat….Stood at my door is a rather tall gentleman, very friendly, a warm smile greets me, we pass pleasantries as he hands me the two large heavy brown paper bags, I Find I quite enjoy these small exchanges with delivery people, (it keeps me practice for those rare occasions I have to ‘re join the real world). All the while my driver is standing at the door though this horrible stench begins to fill my nose. To be honest I thought the poor guy must have stepped in something….it happens im sure your only to aware!!!, It was eye wateringly pungent, I could feel my nose hairs wither and fall to the floor in neat piles….before long I found myself holding my breath, or putting my hand up to my nose….where’s one of those good old fashioned vinaigrettes when one is required huh?…..Tears begin forming in the corners of my eyes, it’s only politeness preventing me from making my excuses an leaving the conversation early…. After my nose begins dripping in an effort to rid itsself of the stinky onslaught, I beg his pardon, thanking the driver i walk in closing the door on the prevailing pong….ughhhhh!,

I place the bags straight out into the kitchen, Start putting away the items, when I note almost at once, the smell had returned, just like some unwelcome guest,oh goodness its still there…. impossible I think! Surely it’s not me, is it????!!!!!, I turn about in my tiny Galley kitchen knocking into things, in some vain attempt at locating the source of this putrid smell…embarrassment flashing over me, surely I hadn’t just stood at that door chatting, stinking to high heaven….forgetting there’s no curtain at the kitchen window, I lift my top and arms to sniff…..yeah I really did that!!!!!!, I spin about sniffing around me like some amphetamine laced demented blood hound, but try as I might I just could not find the smell…..I checked my shoes, bottom of the bags, items in the blooming bags,,,, nothing…..but there it hung about in the air ….like so many garlands of strung up doggy do,s…. reaching under the sink for a bottle of disinfectant spray, I began dousing everything within reach….my house spiders ran for cover, havnt seen them since, I scrub every inch of myself, change my clothes respray the fetid air, oh help !!!.

That evening I decide to cook myself a chicken breast with green beans,Brussels sprouts, and broccoli…I prepare the veggies as the coated chicken cooks merrily away in the air fryer…I plan to steam them as is my norm….putting them on to cook for just minutes before letting them steam away for a further five in a covered bowl….As the vegetables cook away….this overwhelming smell rises up through the air in a nose abusing steamy stench….only it’s worse than ever….there’s no escape, as the moist air is making it rise up. Permeating every nook and cranny, thinking it has to be my imagination, I drain the veggies and leave them steaming in their bowl….five minutes later however I go back out into the kitchen, lift the lid on the steaming contents, and as I do….it’s like the steam takes on a life of its very own, ramming itself firmly up its nostril and strangling my throat….eyes watering, choking me….I put the lid straight back on before it gets a further strangle hold….When Im recovered enough, I grab out the green beans from my fridge…snapping one, I bravely sniff the offending item…..this it it! Voila!!!!, I’ve located the blooming pong!…..but not only do the beans stink, everything within reach does also, it’s all contaminated….I’m contaminated…my fingers are reeking….there’s no escaping, it evades everything….I scrub my hands numerous times, but I can still smell that lingering stink….ughhhh, I grab out all the vegetables from the fridge, I double bag everything and throw it straight out into the bin…angry at the waste, the cost, I don’t bother with dinner, I seemed to have had a sudden hunger bypass….next day I put in an order from my old favourite Morrisons, then thoroughly clean out the fridge,bleaching the kitchen afterwards …lesson learned the easiest way isn’t always the best….. It was one expensive lesson…I thank goodness for my sense of smell, who knows what damage would have ensued had I eaten any of that……well I hope you all have a good week ahead of you folks…take care of yourself and be careful out there …..💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄😁

Pocket watch….Dear diary

As young child I remember back being somewhat fascinated by a thick gold linked chain that stretched in a loose swag from a button hole of my Grandfathers black waist coat, into a small shallow pocket…looking back I thought how it must of been attached to a very prize possession, because it was always so very highly polished, gleaming in the light, being of that era where a small child was seen and not heard, I never felt brave enough to enquire into what it was, Grandfather being rather tall and thin of stature, I felt very much in awe.. To me he seemed also somewhat stern and unapproachable,not so sure he was actually, because all big people(adults seemed the same 😊 , But that was only my take on things.. This day though while clutching hold of my Dads hand, eager to make good our escape before the big person felt a sudden hunger and saw me as a likely snack….I had a vivid imagination even back then…., we were Saying our goodbyes at the end of a very dark hallway near to the front door..he must have seen me eyes drawn to the winking gleam of the chain…A rare smile heightened his drawn lined face, hes wrinkled calloussed hand, reaching in slowly to his waist coat pocket he withdrew what to me was one of the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, what light there was bounced off the elaborate scrollwork and feathery Pattens across its case, I held my breath as it hung there spinning about on its thick gold rope like chain, capturing not only time, but reflection as it danced, I was entranced, but even more so as Grandfather pushed down a button upon the top, where it flipped open suddenly, to reveal a white face, three black hands with one perfect red ruby by the number six…I gasped as hushed notes began playing, a tune, which to this day I can never remember😊, but as he held it up against my ear I heard it’s ticking,,,, it was alive!!! …..From then on in I was always going to have my very own one day (it’s what I now know as a fob watch) , My own time capturing treasure….. , recently I relented….now Sat constantly at my side hangs a black fobwatch. And it’s all mine!!!!!!!

There are nights I struggle with sleep, laying awake for hours, an endless silence crashes in on my every thought..it’s deafening with yet another long stark cool reminder….I’m alone!, …..what I do next for a modicum of comfort may seem odd to some, mayhap something quite peculiar,. I take my fob watch from its regular hanging place beside my bed, slipping it under my left ear..its black filigree case hard, cool to touch,. But when I hear its ticking, that small clockwork heart beat, sounding out the seconds, minutes, hours as they evaporate from night into new another dawn…. Metal internal cogs turn slow but constant, it’s become an instant comfort, a reminder of another time, another far off place, where my head would rest upon the warmth of another, listening to a similar beat, a beat that also made note of time, a time where I felt cocooned in a silken protective layer, far away from the outside world, one of warmth, safety, home, where monsters that lurk in shadowy nooks and corners of the troubled mind are vanquished….it’s as near as I can get to a return to that moment…close to when I felt protected…and more importantly both mind and body resting…

Furtively I look across to check the phone, seeing if Jesse sleeps, he does, so secretly once again I slip the watch under my left ear, it’s been a nightly occurrence of late, (habitual) for as much as I try to turn my small bedroom into a place of calm, tranquillity, with teddy soft yellow fleece throws covering the single bed, candlelight flickering and dancing sending aloft amber warmth across the cool white walls…all my favourite things surround me, but as I try to recreate a safe place, a haven…it’s not here… it’s never here!!!!, And I’ve craved escape from the darkness that’s ever encroaching my mood, it’s like housing a bee hive in one’s brain, feeling their fluttering, hearing their constant drone, waiting for the sting …it’s relentless, endless, what’s more I cannot create a retreat physically, it has to be mentally, until I find the answers inside myself, there’s no escape ….depression is a fickle beast, one of cunning in her depravity, once it’s sharp claws and teeth have hold of their 1lb of flesh there’s little one can do …. Just ride it out

Endless mind chatter pursues both day and night, even dreams are not sacred, they become fractured patterns of past, present and make believe, seen through kaleidoscopic eyes,. .. I know for instance that I’m more inclined to feel the need to chat around these times, talking shuts out the endless droning words of cruelty…that inner bully,, If there’s no one around to talk at😊, I try to immerse myself into one of the many books I may read during the course of a week, as I’ve said often in the past, there’s a grand secret pathway of liberation via the authors written word, Some come with time machines that whisk you off in a mere moment to other century, becoming your own time lord,😊…, Others have exotic climes and places,,,whichever it happens to be it’s freedom from ones own thoughts,… I devour the words, page after page, hungry for that departure from life, living all too often vicariously through the characters lives, those being infinitely better than my own😊….I don’t see them as trapped between the covers of books, they are adventurous, fearless with endless possibilities, all the things I cannot be at this present juncture ….

Never were books more important than this week, daily the skies where almost black and heavy with still more rain, Cabin fever hitting me more often than I would like, although I’m virtually house bound it’s good to have the option to get outdoors, should I so choose, I rarely do but I’m contrary like that…I just like to know it’s there😊, so far this week, I’ve read four books, using the pull of each as a bribe, I can read more when I’ve vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, made food…it prevents the screaming blacks(depression ) from taking over completely, I refuse to be suffocated by its density…it’s my wee fight toward light…it’s where my pertinacious works for me, wading through swamps of the depressed mind is fearsome, I’m oft scared I will get lost permanently, unable to find my way back…but while in recovery from my latest battle, I use words as my shield, whether souced from one of my favourite songs or penned by a brilliant author, story tellers…I’m deeply grateful to both at these times….them and my loved ones become the warm glow of the brightest candle, my guides ….they will never know the gratitude or love I feel……enough chatter from me folks….stay warm, stay safe, and look after you, because your amazing….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Dear Diary Monday morning…..

For years I had carried around a crumpled piece of gold paper, Until it became too worn and creased, the words upon it now unreadable…those words back some twenty odd years ago, had struck a chord deep within me, I carried the paper about in every jacket pocket I wore, it acted as a kind of talisman to ward off the evil Panic attacks that hit suddenly, especially anytime I ventured outside my front door. I was safe, I had my piece of paper, I could touch it, it was real..unlike the lie, the threat of instant deathly panic attacks bought.. The wording on it?, Simple but effective…”Remember today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday”(Dale Carnegie).

For the other thinker that exists within me, these words bought a modicum of comfort, I’m always running off worried about tomorrow, next week, next year before today’s barely even begun, It can’t be helped, it has always been such, and I’m to old to change now😁, I’ve missed out on so much worrying the days away…And Sunday was no exception, I knew only to well Monday bought with it, a doctor’s appointment, and I really didn’t want to go…there was no reason, nothing bad was about to happen, but my frame of mind wasn’t right, yeah I know when is my mind right ?😁…But each time I go I’ve been sent from pillar to post, seen one specialist after another, each department not knowing what to do for me…I don’t blame them I don’t know either😁, Yesterday I had to visit a musculoskeletal disorder specialist…I had trouble pronouncing it never mind anything else..but after a lifetime you tire of the endless doctors trips only leading to more disapointment, ….,

But I woke up early, one needs to you know, if your going to get a really good amount of anxiety steam up, add one icy cold shower, Two XXL coffees so strong you can hear my cup pleading for mercy two counties over, yup anxiety levels ✔, (I’m nothing if not professional you know folks,. On my bedside organiser sat a bright yellow post it note it glares at me constantly, just to remind me of the obvious(why do we call them that anyway?, Because we don’t actually do we…post it I mean, anyway theres the hastily scrawled words on one side, Cab booked for 10:40am Monday, least I had got it together enough to pre book it friday😁, minor miracle right there!. I sit doing my make up, the clocks hands seeming to spin round at a quick smart pace….why oh why does it do that, it’s not decent ?…

Without to much ado I’m ready and waiting for my cab, which turns up promptly at 10:40 am, I receive a text letting me know it’s sat outside, I like that!…stops me running back and forth to the window every minute checking, Ok it really doesn’t but it sounds good !…I clamber clumsily into the back, and immediately begin chatting the poor drivers ear off, we discuss anything from bulk buying shower Gels to the Biden crises in the USA, (well I do)…there’s got to be a link there somewhere im sure, oh one of those segue thingys,🙄, When ones fully locked and loaded, caffinated up nervous to boot, this mouth has no limits and a mind of its own, ..I hear Jesse sigh contentedly as his finally getting a well earned break, peace at last😁, im sure theres times he longs for my batteries to wear down….think energiser bunny on speed and you’ve got me🐇.

The journeys quick and quite unremarkable, And as the driver pulls up outside the doctors surgery, I happen to glance up at the flashing clock upon the dashboard, oh it’s only showing £10 that’s not so bad…until I look again and see it’s actually showing just a few more noughts…like in the region of £10,000, worth!!…now it was a nice journey and we could possibly argue it came with thrown in added counselling …but it was only ten minutes total, that’s a whopping £1,000 a minute…erm no, …my driver laughs nervously and apologises profusely…it’s not really that he says horrified look upon he’s face…Well thank goodness for that, I begin to feel my bank card tremble somewhere in my RAF wallet, I don’t posses a fraction of that…the driver looks back and tells me it is a more realistic £6, much better!!!phew…I had envisioned for a brief moment me washing their cars for the rest of my days.

After a brief visit with reception…I try talking at them but with a two inch sheet of thick glass and a phone glued to her ear it seemed from indication I was encouraged to take a seat…I spend half hour or so locating one as physically far away from my fellow waitees as possible (without taking one outside of course 😁…Having no immunity and being the local virus magnet is not a good combination…I finally hunt my chair down, it’s one of two right up against the waiting room wall…I can see the doors and the whole room from my vantage point…I get comfortable to do my favourite thing…people watching.

At first there’s just me and two others, they are contentedly staring down at their phones, necks cranned, (these are no fun!!!!), But I don’t have long to wait before a mother comes running in at some speed being dragged along by two young unwieldy children one in each hand, Mum herself only looks a few years older, damn I’m getting old 😁🙄, They sit not far from me, the boy tries to make instant contact…a cheeky shy smile then he’s back hiding…I find myself grinning back…can’t help it..the little girl whose adorable sits on mum’s lap, going in for the strangle hold about her neck…(I will call her Gertrude for the purposes of this missive) ..The boy we will call Tobias (oh yes I like it)….Anyway little Gertie since coming into the surgery has had her index finger quite firmly implanted up her left nostril..seriously it never left her nose once..mean while Tobias is already forming a very effective climbing frame in the centre of the room using chairs..it looks fun I’m tempted to ask could I play…when this stern warning glare, (enough to evaporate you into a pile of ash) from miss reception comes me way, a don’t you dare kind of look…I look away instantly before I’m turned to stone…Little Gertie finger still firmly encased, Is now off mums lap, (mum can finally take a breath now she’s not being strangled)…Gertie decides to read a nice leaflet about heart disease and erectile dysfunction…I’m not sure this is quite suitable reading for a two year old but kids are forward these days now right?!, Mothers now free to check out her phone…am I the only without a phone glued to my hand…hmmm, Gertie goes back for more information, have to give it to this girl she’s obviously more well read than most adults..maybe it’s the whole finger up the nose thing???…I look at my index finger closely, taking a sly look up under my fringe at reception dragon..(I mean lady)…she’s shaking her head in warning…damn she’s good!!!….

Fed up with his ever growing construction, Tobias is now turning his hand to plumbing…it seems the wall radiator needed some adjustments…not to be outdone his sister takes a break from reading about men’s plumbing to help her brother, heads together in a huddle, they are in close discussion, it looked serious there for a moment, maybe it’s curtains for the radiator😁…Tobias quits turning the knobs, and begins kicking it…havnt we all done this at some point….works with car tyres so why not?…Gertie tries the slapping it thoroughly approach and when that doesn’t work an ear splitting scream might!…not achieving their goal Tobias thinks it’s time for tools, grabbing plastic leaflet holders, leaflets nicely carpeting the floor now ….(seems we have part time jobs in interior design also, We begin soundly whacking the offending radiator to within an inch of its life….and I look on confounded, no one there is infact batting an eyelid…including Helga the reception dragon…I go to get up to visit the ladies and maybe join in with the percussion session…in an instant her head shoots up from the computer screen and looks my way, i sit back down quickly I,ll hold it I think….

Just before my name is called out, I see little Gertrude valiantly grappling with a walking frame, dragging it over to where Tobias is by now using mums umbrella to poke the radiator soundly…I don’t want to go in to see the doctor..I want to watch the next upcoming YouTube sensation on how to do radiator repairs at home…but I can’t Helga is looking my way again….so I follow the doctor in. Sighs….

Throughout my talk with the doctor, I hear the banging and crashing now re- commencing in full swing…the musculoskeletal ….oh bone doctor turns to me at this point and asks what is going on out there?, I look at her straight faced oh just some engineers repairing the radiator…she looks at me somewhat confused, I wasn’t about to tell her, would you?….We go on discussing an on going treatment plan for my EDS…she was lovely, very honest, admitting there really is nothing apart from physiotherapy long term…but I already knew that…I have however got to go for a bone scan at some point….oh for joy!. But I thanked her for her time, least someone was doing something…that’s a start…Maybe I should visit Gertie and Tobias,s clinic…I’m sure it’s only a matter of time….😁

As I walk back out both Gertie and her brother are running full tilt inbetween the chairs and patient’s alike, knocking over anything in their path….I worry for Gertie finger still, firmly lodged up her nose, what if she falls?, will her finger lodge up even further forever !!!!!, worse still break up there, doesn’t bear thinking about 😮😮😮😮😮😮,. But as I look back after walking through the automatic doors, I came across a theory(a light bulb moment if you will) maybe just maybe, little Gerties finger is in fact a USB cable, it’s her power source, She’s all plugged in💡💡💡💡….I look down at my finger again….I’m outside by now huh whatcha gonna do now!!!…Miss Helga Medussa Macangry face Dragon lady!!….I jump visibly as a loud rap comes upon the glass behind me…shes only seen me!!!!!….however it was in fact no more than wee Tobias getting my attention and waving an enthusiastic goodbye…..him and his little sister had made my day if they did but know it….. Anyway folks enough from me, I hope your all making the most of the warmer weather…enjoy while you can. It will probably be winter again next week😁 …take care of you 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜