Tag: mental-health

The big Chill…

The weather over the last few weeks has for the most part been a typical British winter, wet, wild, and oh my goodness wheres me bloody fleecy lined drawers?,.But there again as cold as some mornings have been , it’ was only to be somewhat expected,. Back in the far off heady glorious days of last summer, I had mentioned seeing virtually every tree, bush and shrubbery(I so love this word, so will say it again purely for indulgent recreational purposes SHRUBBERY!!!! ewww that felt so goooood,) now where was we again?, Oh yeah! talking about fruity bushes(saucy😁😁😁😁), but indeed everywhere I had looked, the trees and shrubs bowers were heavily weighted down through the long summer days with an abundance of fruit,. I had had a fresh breakfast, thanks to an obliging plum tree more than once 😊

I’m afraid I remain firmly of the old school, if you sit in amongst nature long enough, she will clearly predict the future as far as forecasts goes, (better than any weatherman or Almanac)..last year I known in my heart of hearts, it was without doubt, going to be cold this winter, . That said I don’t quite feel it in my bones😁, as my parents/grandparents generation were only too fond of expounding at anyone who would listen. But if you watch and listen, taking on board the subtle little clues of nature’s intent, you won’t go far wrong. So as harsh as it’s been some days there really was no surprise. Doesn’t make it any easier mind, but expected.

For my part I’ve kind of channelled the whole wintry hibernation Grizzly bear theme, taking to the deepest darkest back of my fairy lit cave, furthest away from humanity, where if stumbled upon, i will be forced growl vociferously at anyone who dares to disturb my solitude or trespassing upon one of my fleece blankets, no matter how momentarily, (hear me roar😁, … But after what felt like weeks of freezing minus minus weather, Wednesday had in fact dawned with some of the brightest blue skies, infact I will go so far as to say somewhat gorgeous even…I had already decided the night previous, if there was even a remote lapse in the freezing rain,hail, snow and blizzards conditions( overly dramatic much😁) then I would infact guzzle down my coffee, scrub up, grit my teeth and leave my lair, why oh why do I do these things honestly?😁

Wednesday

As I left the flat, (Jesse of course by now, already hanging in phone land safely tucked up warm in his woollen pouch around my neck), The first clues of just how bloody cold it actually was became all too apparent…I had hunted out and found my new perfect purply fingerless gloves especially, I so love purple., Even taking the added precaution of plonking a thick cream wool hat, recently crocheted, upon my head…surely now Im indeed ready for the worst kind of polar expedition weather, including the toughest of conditions right?, 😁, Dilly (aka my loyal shopping trolley, not much of a husky sled team, but she would have to do,

I hadn’t really left my street before I began noting the thick white frosting covering the pavement, it sparkled mesmerising before the eyes, Grass had become very brittle and crunchy under foot,.. Previously plain Brown fallen leaves, were now edged in silvery white sharp crystals, the wet dull grey sky of just the day before, now icy blue, clouds completely banished, the sun up high, just a pale insipid glow,. The air felt deliciously fresh, slightly loamy, smokey, with hints of promise of spring, I breathed deeply, childishly leaving misty vapour trails as I exhaled, ” look Jesse look” he laughs indulgently, ” very good hun”, , he knows me so well, by now more than used to his woman child….

The landscape may have taken on the outward appearance of being all very fairy tale and dreamy in appearance, but beyond this disguise it was also extremely lethal under foot, i immediately became conscious of staying upright, uprights always good, a trip to accident and emergency, in the back of a speeding ambulance, never quite appearing upon my new years to do list thankfully😁. But with the best will in the world, my feet are still slipping every now and again, I’m all at once most thankful for Dillys supportive presence, After making it successfully, plus still in one piece to my local supermarket, then pet shop, I set about the slow steady process of walking back home once again, but not before sitting on my bench in the sun, that is by now at least affording some warmth, closing my eyes, I listen intently to the cacophony of different bird song, from the sweet melodic flocks of robust Blue tits swirling from tree to tree, cackling Magpies seemingly laughing at some rude joke only they know the punchline of, to the very vocal caws of playful crows playing pass the stick😊, I spend a most pleasant half hour here, breathing in the cool fresh air, no one to bother myself or my bird friends. It’s with some reluctance I finally resume my journey, only chancing upon a very large frozen puddle could cheer my mood,

I just had to, you know I did, …..Yes I took the liberty of trailing myself and Dilly across the solid frozen surface, It creaked and cracked under foot most deliciously, and I didn’t give a flying fff fruitcake, yes fruitcake about getting my brand new shoes soaked or my socks squelchy in ice water, I just delighted in every bloody second, giggling childishly to myself as I left a trail of broken ice in my wake, one of the highlights of my day…the other being on return of home, I partook of one xxl coffee, liberally laced with coffee liqueur….so shoot me, I needed something to offset the chill, can only think it was a good job I had that after getting home, would have made walking abroad a whole lot more perilous, with good reason 😁.

Well I guess it’s time I went about my day again, can’t sit here all day gassing, I’ve all these wondrous mundane chores to achieve, polishing to polish, laundry to attempt to dry in my damp freezing flat, oh the joys 😁😁😁, anyhoo folks you stay warm, stay well and look after yourself…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Alluring Luna

Monday

Something awoke me up early, I’m not sure what, but then I seldom am😊, i waited some time for full cooperation, betwixt my eyes opening and the switching over from sleep mode of mind,..some may say this is a rare and momentous occasion, (these days im more inclined to agree..After laying for a while trying to comprehend the meaning of a particularly weird dream, I gave up, answering to that undeniable, call of the kettle, (it’s a bewitching little minx), As I poked my right foot out from under its cosy warm nest of mixed fleeces, regret set in immediately….Folks it was fffff flipping cold, I wanted for all the world to turn over and Deny the harsh mornings existence, But morning like my need for a caffeine hit takes no prisoners. I shove both legs out quickly before I can think better of it….my body quakes with the chill that circulates the air over night, as im passing i flick down the switch of the small oil filled radiator, grateful to hear it’s gurgles and clicks, just the tiny orange light alone and I begin fooling myself I feel warmer….

After I fill the kettle, click that on, I go about my usual hurried routine, empty the dehumidifier, turn that on, Normally swiftly followed by a speedy Gonzalez type shower thing, (no one, and I mean no one with half a brain cell, wants to stand, buck naked in a freezing room, without luxury of proper glazing and or heating , it’s the Baltic in there, I keep expecting the odd polar expedition team to wave as I’m stood there in my glory, Huskies an all….For some reason though before that icy shower delight, I was drawn over to the curtains to look outside, maybe just a delay tactic who knew, but wrong move Treez….😁.

First thing I note is the odd blue tinged light, it’s not even 5am yet, why is it so light?, …I look up into a still dense black velvet Sky, there still on high, hangs the most spectacular full moon, it’s brilliancy glowing, shrouding everywhere with its cool icy light, even as cold as I feel I’m drawn with its ancient magnetic pull, it silently calls “come outside, admire my beauty”, I’m lost to it’s allure immediately, there’s no time for a jacket, jumper or anything remotely sensible…slipping my chilled feet into my best fake Fur lined clogs, 😁i find the keys, open the door and go outside, the effect is instant, I’m stood outside minus 3, in just a baggy t shirt nightdress and clogs…

Freezing icy cruel chilled fingers pulled at my skant covering, the palpable air hurting my chest…threatening to turn each breathe into Crystals before I can exhale….So intoxicated was i by the moon’s pull, up until this moment I time, I had failed to notice the deep covering of overnight snow, …But now that I had, it was difficult to comprehend where to look first, The snow glittered and danced with a thousand tiny blue glassy sapphires, the moon’s light reflecting across its untouched surface, high on beauty, I barely noted the fact my body trembled, whether from fast developing hypothermia or just overwhelmed by the sights and senses before me, A more sensible person would have by now rush in and to get dressed….Me, I had become way too involved, enveloped in nature’s bounty, too enraptured to move, let alone breathe, I stared up into the moon’s gaze, by her side like a faithful lover of old, twinkling and none the less outstanding was the North star….I’m not sure how long I stood there, for I no longer felt the cold, but I must have moved at some point because I looked down to see my footprints leaving deep impressions in the once virgin snow…the kettle long forgotten, the warmth of my bed along with it, it was only the distant thrum of a ticking over car engine that eventually broke the spell, bringing me speedily back to humanity.

Once inside my body began shaking uncontrollably, I wrapped a fluffy jacket about me tightly, eventually getting the quaking to a level where I could safely handle the freshly reboiled kettle,. After two scalding hot coffees, one straight after the other, I showered, got dressed, all the while still very much under the influence of the cool wintry blue wolf moon, …Later that very same day, I swear I wasn’t to be alone in my Luna lunacy, for at daybreak ,while taking out rubbish from my bins, ( by now fully clothed you,ll be somewhat relieved to hear), Less than a foot away, at my feet stood a juvenile male Blackbird,, he’s bead like dark eyes watching my every move, he didn’t attempt to fly away, or even walk away, just an odd twitch of his wings, and a click under his breath, …We remained there motionless, sizing each other up, I’m not sure for how long the moment lasted, before eventually I snapped out of it and felt somehow the instinct to grab a bag of mealworms, I keep for the wild birds, scattering a generous handful upon the solid frozen ground for him, ..He snatched up not just one, but roughly around at least ten, I gave up counting after that…seemed rude somehow to check up on my impromptu little guest 😁, he was soon joined by Robin, my usual avian buddy, followed quickly by a large rambunctious flock of greedy Starlings, none seemed to mind my presence, even as I moved to get them more food supplies….whether just driven by hunger or the strangest of days, I’ve still no idea, but my company of the morning hung about for some time, I like to think it was something quite special, magical even…Jesse will often be heard to say I’ve got a calm way about birds that draws them to me….unsure which is true, but the secret of magical things is to not look into it too deeply or ruin the spell…😁, …Anyway enough of me for now, it’s still really icy out there folks, if you get a chance think of the creatures, give mother nature a wee helping hand…but most of all stay wrapped up warm….and be careful out there, it’s slipperyer than a politician at press conference…. Until next time💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

The Ghost of Christmas past….

I had already sworn to myself, I would not word this, because in doing so I would give it credence, let it free from the once hidden constraints, the deepest passages of my mind, and once voiced there would be no binding the words back up, putting them back in their box, no locking them away,. they would be free, finding lives of their own, wreaking havoc, No longer just quietly haunting my mind in the darkness, lurking in shadowy corners, waiting to pounce…I could no longer live in that self indulged world of denial, ..now it was the steely cold world of truths, truths I had always buried in the dense undergrowth, you know it’s still out there, but that’s denial for you eventually it will want to break loose and want it’s time, !

I had used Christmas sorely, all the while I worked in a flurry of activity, I found myself coping with my lot most admirably, oh don’t get me wrong, while alone in the depth of night, I clawed over things, tangled tight woven conversations, looking for patterns, clues, rewinding, replaying each nuance until like those old reel to reel tapes of yesteryear, my taut mind threatened to snap…It and I am exhausted, but there’s no let up…Over my head both day and night hangs the mighty sword of Damocles, hanging by the solitary strand of golden hair, in some ways I long for my fate to be over, ( better to get it over with surely)…. Then there’s the other times I bury myself deep in my softest fleece blankets, lay upon my side staring at the freshly painted white wall beside me, the same walls I had painted just months previous, filled with hope, new beginning, what happened…whispering is what happened…..

Weeks before Christmas I had heard words I took on, from a well meaning source, supposedly looking out for me !, I’m not quite as sure now this being the case, People say things for all kinds of reasons known only to themselves, Many for their own devices, mischief…At first I let it play out in my mind, it taunted me until I saw shadows everywhere….this ruined the great joy I get each year over the Christmas period, I delight in its magical atmosphere, normally it’s a time when I lay to rest the stress of the year, that’s normally though…but not this year, I couldn’t settle, the what ifs attacked in full force?, The constant tortures of questioning, would brook no silencing, distraction didn’t chase away the darkness, it followed me even into rare moments of sleep, giving me no let up, backing me up against the wall…now I had to turn and face that shadow, the whispers, I could either let it carry on with its path of unwieldy destruction eating into my soul, or come out fighting….I chose the latter, I’ve learnt over the years with battling illness and life itself, I’m no quitter….

Christmas came and went, it was pleasant enough, I received some beautiful gifts, shared time with loved ones, but it was a massive time of self discovery, my strengths, weaknesses…my Achilles heel…I have only one and that’s those I love…So knowing this, I decided everything else didn’t matter, as long as they are well, as long as their there in whatever way they choose, the rest I can face alone if the time comes, and that know how it will …I can take on the beast of many faces, it’s shadowy form haunting me…, …I once read a story about young warriors who were sent out in the long cold nights of winter to test their bravery in hunting and learn survival skills, . One place they all feared, was a legendary deep dark cave, it was believed to be haunted by a ghost of a mighty fighter…All who came upon him in the night, either ran home terrified, or died grotesquely deaths…legends travelling down the ages, only served to make the creature bigger, more fierce, Men avoided the cave altogether….until one particular harsh winter’s night, a loan warrior was forced to take refuge in the very cave, wind whipped around the outside of the cave mouth, with it, heavy snowfall,

Cold, wet and tired our man was lucky enough to find oddments of dry kindling, Cutting some of his hair with a knife, using flint from kit he had carried upon he’s back, he built a small fire…warming his hands in front of the flickering embers, instantly feeling better…eating a little dried Elk meat his strength soon returned, then deciding to sleep until morning, for it was madness to try to travel on, Snow was settling fast,piling up at the entrance, temperatures dropping outside….it was warm in the cave ,eyes drooping, he soon slept, waking occasionally to add to the fire, when awake he sang to comfort himself, watching dancing shapes form in the amber glow upon the dark walls,

He sang to his ancestors, calling upon the men to guide him through the long night, he felt their voices echo around him, the breathes played in his hair, grandfathers, great grandfathers, sat with him by the fireside, he slept deeply finally in the full knowledge they stood guard, …..he hadn’t slept long though before something woke him, heart pounding in his chest, like a million butterflies trying to escape, his nerves taut, ready to fight, like those long gone on before him, …even with the fire, the air had turned freezing, the shadowy figures taller, Sounds vibrating, reverberating, energy flicked like lightning, every muscle now tight, he stilled himself, reaching down for the knife he used earlier, hand clasping the bone handle., Looking about him in the darkness, his eyes soon settled upon a shadow hunkered at the back of the cave…At first the man trembled, how could he take on such a mighty beast, it was bigger, for sure stronger surely….but what choice was there?, If not him who?

Soon he refound his courage, the songs of the long past filled the cave, he called to the shadow as he stood up tall, straight, …but the taller the man tried to appear, the shadow mocked him, it too grew in stature, he waved his knife in anger…the creature mimicking him, but coming no closer….after time the man weary but thoughtful, realised something …….the shadow beast couldn’t move if he didnt, so he sat back by the fire, too tired, accepting of his fate….as he sat in the chill, the creature also seemed glad to be seated…he called once more, but this time instead of repelling the beast, he called it to sit at his side by the fire, come into the light and get warm….as he lifted his hand to indicate friendship, the truth became apparent…..it was just a trick of the light…the mighty beast was no more than himself, his inner fears just made it appear larger…he would fear the beast no more,… leaving the cave the next day chuckling to himself as he walked away…Still it left him with the true knowledge that although the shadow beast hadn’t been real, What he had found was a new courage, if he could take on a beast so momentous in stature, (his own fears), then he could take on anything….

So what’s the Moral of our tale, I too had built up my fears, not willing to face them, the more attention I gave them, the bigger they grew, until I had nowhere left to run, So I could either invite it to the fire to get a closer look, or exhaust myself by remaining fearful, …I won’t say I’m no longer scared, because that’s a lie, but what I know to be true is if you can’t change something, then let it be, if it’s for you it’s for you…..Anyway what I can do something about, Is start off our new year, by wishing you all well, May it bring peace, love and hope throughout…stay safe, stay well out there 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

APP Gate…Beam me up dear diary…

For the last two weeks the weather hasn’t exactly been in cooperation mode, now before I’m jumped on from a great height and squished into the carpet ewwww..Yup I get fully winter has a way of being contradictory(not constipated as my lovely spell check so thoughtfully just tried adding,😊 although I was inclined to leave it😏),anyhoo after numerous days of heavy rain,(and me ready to retrieve my best purple power tools out and build an Ark) Tuesday decided to dawn differently… On pulling back the heavy living room curtains, I spied this massive shiny ball up in the sky, firstly i thought suspiciously it had to be a trick😮, So I went out and made a coffee, tippy toed back in to take another look, imagine my shock.. it was still there!!!!, what’s more the sky was a glorious cobalt blue, no hint of a cloud even😮😮😮, I know,!! was it the end of the world?, Aliens landing or just a welcome interlude between deluges?…Whatever it was i for one was going to take full unfettered advantage of the situation…

Showering quickly and throwing on the first clothes available, I had decided that, that day was indeed going to be the day I assisted Santa in his endeavours, Wrapping up some packages, then wing them on their merry way to America, I had up until this moment put it off, not sure why really, just the thought of Taxis, dealing with the post office, people and putting real shoes on my feet, seemed somehow, well just too much of a bother if I’m honest, but I would grab the day by its baubles!!!! who knew By the end id feel the urge to strangle it, but that was of course before I knew better…do I ever know better?😁.

The signs even in the beginning were there for any fool to witness, but hey in my defence I had only imbibed in one coffee that morning… Oh Honey it takes at least three to get me ticking over these days, let alone my motor running…think we will also need industrial size starter leads if honest …but I was willing if my body wasnt🙄, . I found the wrapping tape, one decent sturdy box, Brown paper, sparkly glue…oh boy, this wasn’t going to end well, it never does🙈😄, Previous years had so often proved this totally, It normally takes upwards of six months to lower, this perfect physical specimen upon the floor, where upon a battle royal does commence between me and said packages, (imagine package Sumo if you will 😁) it’s gonna be a thing one day, I’m convinced…but excuse if I don’t Don one of those over sized dypers, I’m really not quite there yet😊…I’ve depends on speed dial, though for such an occasion😁😁😁😁. But I really should have known better, the packages were in full fledged cooperative mode…staying wrapped😲, the tape didn’t end up taking me hostage either, I even had forethought enough to have the addresses to hand….Your impressed right?????, Please don’t be(shakes head), not yet, in fact not everrrrrrrr!?.

While doing all of the above, my other hand makes futile attempts at calling up the local cab company…After three failed tries, I think to check my credit balance, I know😊….Only to hear a wild sniggering….I swear it did, “Credit”, “Credit”, “woman are you serious”,?, So I ask Jesse who is by watching on with some mix of pity and amusement(he has though in the past said I’m somewhat entertaining, or was that I needed detaining I’m never quite sure🤔) anyway I asked him, if he could put some credit on my phone for me, so I could call for a cab….all the time this is going on, I’ve one eye on the window, waiting for big black clouds to swallow up the sun and it persistent down…Putting credit on my phone is easier for Jesse to do online, as I will somehow mess up, im never sure how.,… But Jesse sets about this while I finish off getting ready for my outting….believe me when I say polar expeditions run smoother…I have to check I have everything numerous times, only to put something down, panic!!!!, Then lose it permanently….it takes talent folks.

Two whole hours later, numerous curse words, the floppy fringe I love so very much about Jesse, now lying in a sad scattered pile upon the carpet, plus also on a somewhat bemused Cumzi dog laying at his feet..Cumzi now looking up somewhat confused, he didn’t remember having bangs like Paul McCartney seconds previous… But in fairness he totally rocked it though😁….After yet another further frustrating hour in chat with my provider, (in other words to a lovely AI chatbot called Mildred, Ethel or Tattanna something), Who tries her hardest to convince us she understood our problem….hell lady we don’t understand us, you with all your wonderous AI-ness have no chance😁, …We also were given numbers to call, along with some 600 digit codes to remember, in just ten seconds or less before they will disappear, dissolve or dismember us or something😁, …like that is going to happen…by this time I’m more than ready to call the whole thing off, Jesse has invited the Chatbot over for Christmas dinner😁, should one be concerned I wonder 😟?, And Sage my Budgie has learnt three whole new swear words for his lexicon …still it makes a change from Bxgger bell his latest favourite I suppose…😁,

In the end Jesse gave the Cab firm a wee thrill, calling from the USA to order a cab for me to be picked up here in the UK 😁😁😁😁😁, You really couldn’t make things like this up could you?…The Chatbot and Jesse are now on first name terms, sharing two hours of messaging back and forth will of course do this…it seems we learnt that, you can no longer top up my Pay as you go sim online…oh no!!, or phone them…🤔, no nowadays you need a thing called an APP….this you must download from Playstore, via Yucatan, Venezuela, Bangladesh or China, which im totally not willing to do…sighs

The day didn’t end there either oh no😔. The cab did arrive, just early😊,…At the post office there was a massive line of customers in front of me, also playing santas little helper elves, assorted bags and boxes flying everywhere across the globe, When I do finally reach one somewhat Harangued postal worker, she looks at my neatly wrapped up items and sighs, ” oh good America”????, “Of course she says shortly”, , with the day id had already even before 10am that morning, I’m in no mood to explain myself, …I just smile sweetly, even after I’m informed of the news there will be added Tariffs on top of the extortionate postal cost,. I wait patiently taking it in turns to rest my tired feet and ankles, while she adds numerous airmail stickers, fills out a barrage of forms, announcing the cost to all within ear shot….once again I grin and wish her a Merry Christmas before taking to my heels to find the nearest cafe…

After the restorative effects of an XXL hot chocolate,, I take a slow deliberate walk to find an unoccupied bench to sit upon, In what’s now left of the fading sun, there I await my cab, watching other people rush about, weighed down by bags, …I’m immediately glad my rush for that day is at an end, taking deep slow breaths, I feel the anxiety begin to leave my body, a smile finds its way across my face as I relive the whole days APP saga, What next will we be required to download an App for?, it seems to me there’s already Apps for just about everything, I even had to sign into an App to write this missive, will we soon need an App to access our Apps,?. Who knows folks, I just know for myself I will be holding out as long as possible….but even I a proud technophobe realises it’s just a matter of time before resistance becomes futile. I will not be assimilated😁😁😁😁😁…take care out there folks, look after you xx

Wintry Dear diary

Its 7:34 pm, I only know this because it says so in the corner of my tablet😁,Otherwise time holds little to no meaning in the wintery evenings…I’m laying in semi darkness, listening to the soft pattering of rain against my bedroom window, there’s a intermittent rhythmic drip drip drop upon an empty white gallon can, it lays there upon its side amongst the soggy grass outside, to some this may prove a real annoyance, I find it oddly comforting, a distraction from the otherwise endless silence, likewise the static buzz from my speakers humming away to themselves,….You would think after all th time I would have become somewhat immune to the deafening hush that fills the tiny rooms each and every night, but for me it’s anything but peaceful, it allows for those conversations playing over in your head, like the haunting three Christmas ghosts in Christmas carol,of the past, of the here and now, those yet to come, it’s an odd conundrum because although I’m not brilliant around others(I know hard to believe right?😃) I also don’t fair particularly within my own company either.

It’s one of the main reasons I venture outside on odd days, it can be hard going because every instinct from within screams at me to stay put, I’m unsure if this is the residual reactions from my past life with severe Agoraphobia or an inner need to listen to my closet recluse, I think if I’m honest I could so easily hide away from society altogether, it wouldn’t take much😊,. Leaving my small flat however takes more energy than I’m prepared to commit sometimes, I paint on a smile with that mornings make up, fill myself with a caffeine infusion and run out the door before I can talk myself out of it..

I cannot venture far however, mainly to the local park, shops or both. In the park i,’ll come across local dog walkers, some I’m actually beginning to recognise now😁, We pass odd pleasantries back and forth, have that topical moan about the weather, some though just nod, I find if honest I like this, it’s a nice remission from my own company, and it’s momentary, not over stressful or requiring me to be overly sociable, I cope, look forward to it even, it also helps they have dogs I get to fuss over, dogs I could quite easily socialise with 24/7, they seem to understand my strange aloofness, uninvolment with others. Dogs just get it😃😃😃😃😃😃😃.

Then there’s always something to pique ones interest, changing colours of trees for instance, although right now their dark skeletal branches are mainly devoid of much in the way of any leaf matter, Some however though have this glorious covering of dark olive green waxy ivy leaves, climbing up ever skyward, searching hairy roots clinging to the bark, there for hiding any embarrassment of the trees wintry nakedness…Small birds flit in amongst the leaf litter, their sometimes so fast, you could quite easily miss that flash of brilliant yellow from an aptly named goldfinch, or the chubby red chested Robin who sits up on the highest branches above little tail bobbing, his clear sweet voice replying to a neighbour off in the distance, I know they are only too aware of my presence amidst them, but whether it’s my slowness of gait, quietness or they just don’t find me any kind of threat, I’ve no idea, but they go about their day, inches from where I walk, I feel dozens of eyes observe this strange bi-ped with some degree of curiosity, almost as much as I watch them, it’s such a privilege …

The bench….

After a slow rather cumbersome stroll across the sodden grass, (it had rained over the previous day and night solid without a half time even😁) Anyway my feet are now making obnoxious squashing sqelching sounds, and im giggling away to myself like a possessed two year old, It around about then, i find myself drawn to an old wooden graffiti covered bench, the feet are truly frozen, aching so this is a welcome resting place, also a chance to observe families of Crows interacting, did you know they play?, Often finding a twig or pebble to throw and run after😁,. Huge soft Grey winged wood pigeons snuffling about the grass in search of their breakfast, Dog walkers greeting each other, while throwing balls off into the distance for their dogs to fetch, the dog runs off in some obedient pretension of locating their ball, only to get distracted in seconds by the thick undergrowth nearby, there they go off on their own sniffing adventures. Our equivalent of reading the paper, you can find out a mine of information when your nose is upon the ground…you,’ll have to take my word for this😁😁😁😁😁😁

I in turn watch from a safe distance🙂, part yet apart from their day, This said, every once in a while, As I sit quite immersed in my own thought, a peculiar thing happens.(nice though)..Someone will warily approach, sort of sidling across, before finally plucking up the courage to ask, somewhat timidly, “Can they share the bench”?😁, and I despite my lacking in any form of social togetherness,, well if im honest quite welcome this intrusion of introspection…it’s like that sad, dilapidated graffiti covered bench offers a momentary window of opportunity, a chance meeting of minds, whether alike or otherwise, a chance to share with another a section of their day, And for that brief time, in that no man’s land of companionship it’s like my awkwardness dissipates, I become fully relaxed into this stranger’s company, yet we are not strangers for now, not in the true sense anyway, because we fill those stolen few moments full of our lives, talk of our place of birth, families, dogs, issues of the day, the obligatory weather chat, absolutely anything goes, and it’s wonderful, in fact it’s more than wonderful those captured minutes are Golden and I for one love them…whatever happens upon that tired wooden bench is nothing short of miraculous, magical….

Well enough of my endless chatter, I’ve got hot chocolate to make, the garden birds to feed, their water to de ice, and washing to somehow get dry indoors🤔, oh the bloody joys…Anyhoo folks it’s snowing, cold enough to freeze the wotsits off a brass monkey, get icicles on your flute, so whatever your about today, wrap up warm, put on your fleecy undies and avoid black ice, there’s nowt dainty about landing on your butt, plus it’s embarrassing…..yeah I did😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, still I like purple😁. Take care all and look after you.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Dear Breezy ole Diary …

Monday 3rd of November

For the last three consecutive nights I’ve slept long, deep and sound,(almost unheard of) waking only just long enough to flick the switch on an ancient water heater for the next days hot water…I have this down to a fine art these days, waking an hour or so later, stumbling from my bed out to the cupboard, fumbling about for the switch, and all this still 90% asleep 😴 ..this is also not remembered the following day, nothing ever is before BC…(before Caffeination countdown begins in earnest …

This sleeping malarkey is something quite new to me, normally I will struggle along with 30 minute increments, interspersed with intervals for the odd bathroom break, washing up, kitchen engineering (ok cleaning, but kitchen cleaning sounds mundane even when it is undertaken at 3am…🙄😁, yeah I do this, it’s a thing honest, . Even one extremely painful swollen knee fails to keep me conscious😮, it twinges enough to jolt my eyes open, I look down at it with some disdain, tell it too bloody go B off before sleep claims me once more, and there’s such lucid dreams to be had…Wow!!! if anyone wants to become my ghost writer i,m sure we can create a new best seller between us,😁, On at least more than one occasion I’ve been tempted to grab popcorn before the next instalment begins…😁.

This morning whether it was the extra hours shut eye, boredom or just nothing more than the usual bout of seasonal cabin fever, I made up my mind to escape the confines of the flat, foolish or otherwise, the Weather blowing up a hoolie, rain threatening to create merry havoc, my knee by now big enough to enjoy its own postcode, still the outdoors called seductively upon the breeze, and me being a mere weak willed woman, I’m easily seduced😁, Dressing for warmth, comfort and ease, not caring if the over sized shirt hung off me, or the black hoodie looked two sizes too big and could quite feasibly double up as a fair ground Marquee…(I would however soon live to regret this decision ..

My destination ….the local Asda, the reasoning behind such, shrugs shoulders!, Oh hell I don’t know!, I’ve no clue why I do these weird wacky things, I just know I do, I’m the one doing them, I can’t be expected or bothered to comprehend the where’s and why fors now surely😁, …With no more than a cup of hot coffee for inspiration, I left the relative warm safety of the flat…released into the wilds yay!!!…I would love to say I gambled off into the breezy morn, like a new born spring lamb, but anything further was the truth, I hobbled off in the direction of the nearest shop, my trusty shopping cart groaning under the extra pressure of me leaning heavily for support, wheels squeaking loudly under protest, we set off about our way….Wagons roll!!!….well shopping carts anyhow.. 😁

I won’t go on about the pain levels(yawn)😴 Or the fact it radiated down from the knee to my ankle or that I had once read this really informative article about how cursing verbally could help with pain…So there I am deep in glorious experimentation mode, with this new information, Trolley squealing enough to set off every local hound to howling within the vicinity, Me swaying back and forth like a well infused drunkard sailor, stumbling home after a heavy night at the inn, Uttering away expletives of the likes, My dear sea going best buddy would have been only too proud of…I think I’ve even come up with some rather delectable new ones of my own!😁, by the time I was in full practice, it was early and thank goodness mostly deserted…(Until of course it wasn’t) ….One poor lone lady dog walker came up upon me of a sudden bless her, I was by now in mid flow, yelling down at my now throbbing knee, “oh really can’t you just bloody bxgger off for more than two minutes, You poor excuse for a Puss filled Camels Arxe”!!!!!!!,….She looked at me with this mixture of horror and disgust written acrossed her face, muttering “well really”, “Come along Steven”, pulling at the lead of rather large splendid Grey standard poodle , he trotted along behind her, looking back, with what I liked to think a somewhat amused expression😁, …It wasn’t long before though between the pain, one thick fleece hoodie, mild conditions, sweat began dripping down my back, it was with an agitated arm, that I also wiped it from my brow onto my sleeve, even so it had made it’s way gradually down my forehead and finished up in my eyes, stinging like ffffffff Theresa!!!! erm for goodness sake …😁 sorry folks! ……

Destination….

I did to my credit eventually reach my goal, no mean feat or knee(sorry) when you just want to turn for home every step you take…..(now I have a Sting song playing in my head)…sighs!, Anyhoo after getting to the shop, I remembered what drove me there in the first place,….a local charity shop…yeah I know, absolutely nothing at all to do with the Asda🙄, ….But as with all things Treez related, this particular charity shop was in fact closed on Mondays….sighs of course, so Asda it was then…..

After a pleasant enough interlude, picking up the odd bargain along the way, I made for a slow walk home…divesting myself by now of the thick fleece jacket was a massive help, I found concentrating on my surroundings also took my mind off my pain, I had no intentions of going about my usual walk around the local park, but deep down I knew it was a sure fire way to lift my spirits, there’s just something about the ever changing colours of Autumn trees right now that feeds my imagination.

The ground still wet under foot from The heavy rain the night previous did nothing to deter me, the wind by no w increasing in its Velocity, branches creaking, swaying in the pewter coloured sky, clouds skudding in the distance, even with winds speed, it blew warm, delicious upon my over heated skin…I’ve always loved windy days, I can’t express why, but I’ve always felt this need to be outdoors amid it’s power and excitement…it’s another of those things if you know me you take for granted.

In the park there’s sections of tall bushy leylandii hedges, that offer seclusion and a modicum of protection from the prevailing winds, there when the sun breaks through, despite it now being November, theres still a warmth to be found, I decrease my pace, taking full advantage of clean warm air, breathing deeply of its pine filled sweetness. Beside me in the undergrowth of shady shrubs and trees, it is alive with rustling leaves, being turned over and disturbed by industrious black birds, searching for that mornings breakfast, Blue tits flit vigorously amid the now half naked branches, their plump little bodies darting vivid colour, they are within feet of me, not bothered by my presence in the slightest, it’s either I don’t exist in that moment, I’m seen as no threat or they allow me brief entrance to their secret world …whatever I don’t question it, just feel deep gratitude…and at one with mother nature however momentarily…

The Sky darkened from time to time, maybe a promise of rain, or another empty threat, I take little heed, because I want to sit amid this unfurling drama about me, finish charging my batteries before the walk home, I find my bench,my place.. Just to watch the clouds race across the sky, their colours ranging from soft Doves wing grey infused with pale lavenders, edges of silver, brightest white, patches of cobalt blue push through, have you ever noted how many shades fill one winter sky ? It’s stunning…as are the black headed terns, who dance , twisting about each other on thermals, waltzing to the music of the breeze, their snow white wings glow amidst the grey backdrop, their excited calls to one another renting the air, I’m captivated by their swooping low over the ground, before soaring, gliding the skies on invisible strings….I sit here undisturbed, still getting dizzy on nature’s gifts,

The wind grows stronger as I begin the slow walk home, it’s playful in my hair, tustling it over my eyes, tickling my ears, leaves fall about me, spiralling down in circles before landing, only to be blown in great piles at the base of trees, swirling about the ground, creating a delicious crunch beneath the feet, I can’t help but love this time of year, some think summer the most colourful, to me Autumn and winter give it a run for its money, well enough of my Gassing I’ve Christmas cards to throw together, you think I’m joking 😃😃😃😃😃, no I’m really not..if you get one of my odd creations you,ll understand fully…Anyhow folks take care of you, and stay safe out there…💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💜💜💜💜💜💜x

winter is coming….Dear diary

Monday…

Over this last week I’ve sensed a real change in my Garden, each time I pass what’s left of my struggling little wilderness, you can see the plants dying off for the winter months, colours fading, replaced with far darker pigments, browns, orange and greens, I know it’s the way of things, Gardeners know the season of colour is short lived but plentiful..that said though there’s still much to see, and there’s seldom a day when I won’t pause long enough to reflect, taking in something I’ve spotted…a dew soaked dandelion clock, a scarlet lady bird crawling upon a geranium plant,the myriad of colours in a singular fallen leaf., These days more often than not, it’s flocks of excited wild birds in the old Sycamore tree, it’s seeds attracting a wide variety of bird life, the likes of Chaffinch, Goldfinch, Blue tits all filling their hungry tummies before taking off into the breeze leaving with frenzied calls before disappearing into the sky, Im fascinated with these boisterous and colourful new neighbours I have to admit, standing out in the laundry area, half heartedly pretending to hang the wash, with a child like wonder, I hold the phone aloft for Jesse to see whats is causing the catch in my throat. He of course cant make out the tiny colourful creatures high up in the tree, it’s yet another moment of deep sadness, as I long to have someone to share such things with, (but not just any someone though, it’s always a him someone🙂..

Tuesday…

I wake up early to make my first coffee, while the sky is still a deep dark inky blue, the moon with its pale ghostly halo still evident, not quite ready to make way for sunrise as of yet. These mornings though still beautiful, have a chill about them, I pull on my oversized hoodie, as walk about the flat gathering about me the soft fleecy folds to protect me from the colds icy fingers.. I await the kettle while looking out the window, watching the pale light begin to appear from behind the houses, I can hear a Blackbirds rendition of the dawn chorus in full swing, it’s sweet, pure and a very fitting greeting for the new day. Even before that first hint of gorgeous caffeine takes hold of my brains Neuro pathway, that I have made a decision, whether good or otherwise to go outside and take a walk …what does come over me?, I never know😁.

I,ll admit I was somewhat on the hesitant side as I began my journey, into the deep dark depths of the local park, the sky was an endless sheet of grey way into the horizon, and although the rain was holding off for now, the dampness was almost palpable, filling the air with moisture, clinging to your clothes, hair and the endless silky cobwebs that clung to anything stationary for more than a moment…

I hadnt felt the best for some days now, not ill exactly,there was nothing I could really put my finger on either, just slightly sluggish, indifferent, So maybe some fresh air would indeed lift the mood clouds hanging about. The first few minutes out the door were the hardest, I kept feeling the overwhelming urge to turn back, for the warmth of home where Sage my budgie sat patiently awaiting my return, but I kept thinking just one foot in front of the other Treez, you,’ll feel better for it, any moment now, ok like now would be good!!..huh!..

While over the park, it soon became apparent that the grass had been freshly cut,. while the rows of neatly manicured lines looked professional and tidy, before too many steps into my walk, the wet grass began to cling to my shoes, like a hospital plaster on arm hair😮, I impatiently stomped my feet to divest myself of the worst, but apart from looking like a spoilt toddler throwing 9.5 shockwave tantrum in a toy shop, nothing would shift it..pretty soon though I was all too distracted to bother with trivials like grass clumps, soaking wet socks or frozen toes digits, for each and every BlackBerry bush, the Scarlet leaved Virginia creeper, Hawthorne were decked out like Hollywood horror extras, covered in white silken webbing, even spanning the wide divides between the shrubbery…Pearl like dewdrops glistening in the watery sunlight like strands of jewels…I took picture after picture, standing there causing comment by more than one passing dog walker,,.

Over payment plan…

When I finally returned home, changed out of my dripping wet shoes, socks and trousers, then settling down on my chair with a large mug of hot chocolate, I checked through the days e-mails, there was the usual suspects, Amazon had found something it was sure I might like😋, I’m not sure if their even taking note of my viewing history, because if they are I’d like to know when I last looked at a pink flowery dress with deep pockets, a Fuchsia tutu, or a princess bedroom set, …might be persuaded with the Dragon pendant light though…😁, then there was car insurance for the imaginary Purple VW Beetle out the front of my flat, a funeral plan or even a life insurance ermmmmmm…But the last Email was indeed the best….

My electric suppliers kindly sent me a missive, it’s the second of its kind in the last four months…I read it through quickly thinking it was just my usual monthly payment invoice….but as I read it the second time, it became apparent the reasoning behind their contacting me, my account was too far in credit….yes you read that right😁, I was to far in the black…I know !!!!, There’s such a thing..

Over the summer months I had infact rationed my usage, taking to watching the little monitor they had provided more than two years back, All the while my power use had gone down drastically, I kept paying the same amount each month, I wanted to be pro active, sitting in a freezing cold flat holds little to no attraction for me…so I amassed a goodly amount of credit for over winter..

It seems my providers were not used to this kind of outrageous behaviour…Why couldn’t I owe them money like a normal customer? What was I possibly thinking?….well mainly not waking up to 3 degrees in my Artic livingroom, or having to dress up like an Eskimo in order visit the bathroom, ..I don’t exactly want to shimmy round in shorts and t shirt all winter, but being warm in ones home is kind of nice don’t you find?…

So while sipping my fast cooling cool hot chocolate😁, I emailed and explained it to them all over again, I thought about adding the odd diagram, with an authentic match stick me swathed in furs sat shivering on the loo for visuals, but maybe they wouldn’t get the sentiment, so I added plenty of big words for their easy perusal…have you ever felt youve done something wrong when you haven’t..exactly what’s up with these people?. I just want to pay my bill…sighs…Anyhoo enough jabbering on for the day, let’s go and see if I can over pay my rent some more to confuse my landlord…😁😁😁😁, whatever your up to today, enjoy yourself, stay warm, stay well and look after you…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

How to never stick mirror tiles on yah chest….Dear diary….

I’m still into fully fledged autumnal hibernation mode, readying the flat for anything and everything that the winter months may care to fling at us, An extra blanket upon the bed, two small candle stoves dug out and dusted off, from the deepest darkest depths of the cave cupboard. (The candle stoves are something I had bought last year from Amazon, Genius little things, the appearance of something like a metal police helmet contraption, held aloft upon a long sprew with the aid of nuts😁, this hovers over a waiting dish below, Where upon you put upwards of half a dozen lighted t light candles..(my attempts at explaining are not the best you may have gathered by now😊), but surprisingly it actually does help, knocking up the temperature from somewhere near freezing, to just above…I’m more than happy with anything that prevents me from certain hypothermia or indeed frost bitten extremities, no one wants their extremes freezing😁… I joke ye not…last year my little thermometer, another Amazon special😁, read a balmy 3 degrees most mornings… wahoo!!!!!, My goosebumps had goosebumps, ….even my houseplants thought they were outside in the frosty tundra, dropping all their leaves before eventually dying a death…..😔.

So this year like a good girl guide, I’m preparing in advance, One trick up my sleeve(but Treez you don’t have any sleeves, stop talking to yourself woman😊) So anyhow, I took a pretty pale lemon shower curtain, folded it in half, tack stitched it along the very top, before hanging the now doubled up curtain across the bedroom window, this in the stead of the previous lacy net curtains, which of course are entirely useless at helping preventing force nine gales from blowing through the poorly glazed windows… On the plus side the lemon colour chosen deliberately to match the lined floral draw curtains (looks both pretty and practical… These were the same floral curtains that were up until yesterday in the living room😁,.

I’ve put full length curtains in the living room now, in the somewhat vain hopes of holding the winter weather outdoors where it belongs, this all sounds a faff I know, but needs must and all that, In front of this sits my round glass topped table, complete with two chairs, a pale lemon shawl ensemble, that is currently pretending to be a temporary table cloth ..This is also where I’ve set up my art supplies, Sketch books, water colour palettes, pencils, pens, sat there just waiting for me to locate my inspiration, now where did I last have that?, … But if nothing else it’s a lovely place to sit in the mornings with one of my many coffees to watch the clouds stretch out across the sky(a favourite pastime of mine…

Fiddling with ones Chest….😮😁😮

So way back last year, while browsing an online second hand shop, I happened to come across this pretty little wood effect chest..Now like everything else you impulse buy, mayhaps because of boredom, it’s raining, the coffee hasn’t quite kicked in as of yet or there’s an R in that month, the purchased item never does match up to your idea of it….But having asked someone to pick it up for me and drop it off here, i was now stuck with it, (sat there glaring at me), for here on in I had to make the best of a bad situation, well didn’t i? Sighs…what does one do with a flaking lacquer chest I ask😊?…

Well one thing you never do is add another impulse buy…yeah I did…look I know, maybe if I had just waited a while, that mind blowing idea might of popped into my coffee laced skull, but in my defence i didnt And wouldn’t😁… after wild thoughts of painting it, covering it up with tacky stick on flowers, making it look akin to great Aunt Doreens Sunday best church hat, I came across these rolls of stick on mirror tiles on Amazon…ok I hear yah!, Treez however is sticking on row upon row of tiny glass mirror tiles going to make anything of a bad job?…look I don’t know what I was thinking…I never do, maybe just covering up the worst paint peely bits,? …In my imagination it looked so fabulous and perfect…the tiles either reflecting the yellow from the curtains, or pictures upon the walls…but even as I clicked on the buy it now button, I felt this sinking doom laden feeling…oh Treez what have you done now.?, Oh well, time will indeed tell.

The tiles..

They came late one afternoon a week later, I had eagerly awaited the prime van all that day,…when handed this minute box, I really should of known then….But I opened the tiny box, still with a faint hope it would all be ok😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, yeah gullible or what?..the tiles in themselves were pretty enough, indeed to this self confessed Magpie they were shiny and flipping drop dead gorgeous…but even with two rolls, I doubted there was anywhere near enough ever!!!!!!😁, ….A sensible person would have stopped there and sent for more or even called it quits while ahead…not me!!!!uhuh nope….I was soon sat upon the carpet, elbow deep in razor sharp glass mirror tiles, Sticking them to the chest lid, strays sticking to the carpet, my clothes, and all the while ripping my hands to pieces…

Even the minutes I could tell this was never going to end well, despite the tiny tiles coming on rolls of sticky paper, I could not get them to line up straight on the lid, what’s worse is they seemed to have an almost magnetic attraction to the wood surface…but not in nice straight lines….oh hell no, why would they?, They stuck to each other, my hands, everywhere and to every blooming thing, Before long I expected to hear the ghostly voices of the Bee Gees about the flat, laser lights blinking and flickering, my hair slicked back, as my t shirt was soon resembling a glitter ball…I had to fight the urge to break into night fever….ok I didn’t alright but that goes no further….

I eventually have to admit defeat, my hands by now are covered in every last plaster I possessed, my t shirts blinding me with mirror tile reflections and the box has about a two dozen poorly stuck on tiles…not one in a straight line… Sage my budgie is yelling pretty boy each time he sees me, and this whole thing no longer seems like the wonderful idea it set out to be….I hate mirror tiles uhhhhh!😒.

A week later ….

And guess what?, I’m trying my hardest to remove said tiles from the chest lid…I’ve tried everything from paint scrapers, kitchen knives, screw drivers and even a hammer….no it’s safer not to ask…so far it’s Treez 2, Mirror tiles 22, I’m not so sure I’m winning🙄, I would throw the whole bloody thing in the bin, but that’s not me..I won’t admit defeat…now where did I put that sledge hammer😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, Anyhow folks whatever your up to today make sure no mirror tiles are involved😁, stay safe in storm Amy and take care of you…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Art for Art sake…Dear Diary

Autumn is approaching us fast, with it appears the overwhelming need to enhance my nest(home),. I find myself doing this embellishing thing quite unconsciously😁, adding yet another candle to my shelves, which are in truth already over burdened, a bright coloured Afghan throw, newly laundered lays upon the chair or at the bottom of the bed, also my ever burgeoning house plant collection almost always acquire more planty friends around this time also, these just magically happen,😁, My last accidental plant now stands monster sized, one spectacular vision of Purple inch plant, My friend Debbie swore I didn’t need another plant!!!!…but what does she mean even?, I innocently ask? Who doesn’t need yet another house plant or three?, How can one go into the long cold hard winter months, devoid of green growing things?😮, those little signs of life popping up about you while your attempting a full fledged hibernation…

Then there’s my twig collection..ok not quite a collection as of yet!, but there’s two of em now😊….the first I came across quite by chance, I mean not that you ever set out on a stroll, with the intention of bringing home odd shaped twigs, like some over excited Labrador😁, But as I walked about our local park last year, I came across this wonderful gnarly, cream coloured piece of fallen branch, bleached by that summer sun, flecks of silver rough bark remained on odd sections, but it’s the way it twists in and about itself that caught my eye, before I knew what I was doing, I stooped down all surreptitiously like, looking around to see if I was being watched😁, before grabbing the piece of branch, the rest as they say is history, it now dwells upon my sideboard with an assortment of plants dotted around it, looking most natural there..

Permission to mess up….

For some weeks now I’ve been watching small videos on water colour painting, most of which I squirrel away into the saved section,hoping to attempt at some point in the dim and distant future, that almost never happens though😊 …, I’ve always wanted to learn in fairness, not being at all naturally gifted, like my talented father and Aunt.. I have though somewhat dabbled half heartedly in the past(im a confessed dabbler of old😁) but my sad attempts fail dismally, somewhat like my painting the walls, somehow I end up with more paint upon the table, myself or floor than where it’s intended for…(that paint gets just everywhere…including my underwear….no your best off not asking, because even I’m without a clue….or is that infact clueless? (shakes head)I never know….but it’s a talent in its own self…

This said, recently Ive found myself watching one very talented lady from the United States, who yes still irritatingly enough makes everything look so damned simple😊, but along with this simplicity comes a brand new strategy..one I can get behind 100%,, One that also gives even those under achievers like myself fresh hope… So what’s new?, Well she starts from the very beginning, encouraging not only experimentation with water colours, but to go back to drawing and painting from your early childhood … Remember those quaint Square houses, triangle bodied people and the sun peeping from one corner of your school pictures so cute😊, Painting back then was innocent, creative and from the heart, . Something as an adult we have sadly lost forever…I also fall into this category, I had stopped being happy with my work, creations, mainly because I sought others approval, Needing to conform, Paint like those artist I greatly admire, Produce work like Stubbs, Dali, Constable and Van Gogh, my own excellent father…in my need to reach that pinnacle, I had missed the point…. creation for creations sake.

Not only does she absolutely encourage you to have fun..but there was one sentence she uttered as she worked,it struck home, right to my heart…that is give yourself permission to mess up. In doing this all tension is off…simple isn’t it?😁😁😁, why oh why didn’t I think of this before?, In the giving of this huge gift, permission to well, fail if needs be…and all the while learning from that very failure, there’s no pressure…you don’t have to create an old master..a work of art…just simply enjoy and create…

This is spilling over into all sorts of other parts of my life , I find myself more willing to try those things I would never have dreamed of just weeks previous…Things I thought impossible for me to achieve, yes If I’m going to be entirely honest, i still make those once dreaded mistakes, Oh how I bungle and fluff my way through some projects 😊, but I no longer get frustrated, or call myself stupid…More importantly, is my new unwillingness to just down tools, Saying to myself “I just can’t do this”, this is because I’m finding I actually can…it’s so refreshing to find I had that lacking confidence all along…I just needed permission to do things my own way, and learn it’s ok to mess up also….

Whatever your doing these beautiful autumnal days, give yourself permission to just enjoy the process, you’ve no one more important to impress but yourself..take care of yourself and stay safe…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Believe you can and your halfway there ..Theodore Roosevelt…Dear Diary

Monday…

I love the above quote, it’s so appropriate for me at this moment in time, well anytime really, As is also his Man in the Arena address, given on the 23rd of April 1910…I have this enlarged, framed above my bed…One constant and wonderful reminder that no matter how difficult life can seem for you at times, all the while your here, showing up each morning there’s a chance, a chance for things to improve…it’s a thought I cling to, But quite unlike Jack clinging to that huge lump of wood in the cold cold cruel sea( reference, the film Titanic) I’m hanging on bloody tightly to it…shoving Rose off if needs be 😮😁😁😁…. I can do ruthless😁.

Captains Log day Star date 138…

According to my phones Pedometer I’ve survived 138 days of healthy living…(shows you how well it knows me), Some days have been slightly more questionable, if not darn outright outrageous…On my birthday for example, way back in April for.. As that clock struck half passed Barn owl, which sounds absolutely more like a dementor or in fact a hallucinogenic Terradactyl, don’t ask it’s a clock I thought a good idea at one point in time, while alone scrolling unattended on the Zon… It has different bird sounds for every hour…(yeah I know what was I thinking?, this has yet to be determined though😁 but I digest….no not digest Treez stop ittt, digress thats it, I digress …Anyway it was late, my birthday, I was alone late into the night, a big Bar of Galaxy chocolate also sitting alone in the living room sideboard drawer…crying out pitifully with its seductive siren silky voice….I bellowed at it, although none too loudly in my mind like one does, (tell me this is even a real thing right?!!!!)…”stop, cease, quit, desist, please!!..but it wasn’t paying attention enough obviously…So I showed it who was Boss and ate it huh!!!!!!!, it was it’s own fault don’t feel sorry for it!!!!….But since that lone fateful cold night when that bar of chocolate and I shared a very brief special moment I’m proud to say I’ve been good….

As you also know I can’t abide the D word, no not Dentist (sighs😁..mumbles under breath, behind thebhand.. dxxt….You all know the one, denoting immediate deprivation, starvation, and never eating a single nice thing for EVER ever!!!!!!😮, But with my height not matching up to my ever expanding waistline, something had to be done, either that or buy more elastic waisted pants !….so back in February there I was, I stood bare foot in the cold, hail, fog and rain, pause for dramatic effect😁, Sacrificing everything last little thing with even slightest amount of yummyness at the alter of the Green Goddess,, aka the Bin, Yes after a brief prayer, chant, candle lighting and crossing myself, you have to cover all those bases don’t you?, I called upon the Gods old and new to make me slender, svelte,lissom and sylphlike overnight…..your not surprised it didn’t happen are you?😁…..nah me neither, guess there really is only one way then sighs?…we going in!!!

A lettuce leaf and half a cherry tomato 🍅,

Ok just a slight exaggeration, but I have been eating far more vegetation…vegetables, I joke about ditching, the cakes, sweets, and anything over processed as being a chore..but if I’m totally honest it was the right time for me..I had researched the subject thoroughly, not taking this on-board lightly or as a whim…after reading four books, listening to podcast after podcast on Spotify..everything fell with a loud thud into place…takes a while for me to catch up folks,😁, really does…the evidence was staring me in the face though..back about seven years ago I lost 60lbs in just over six months, no starvation, no endless trips to the torture chamber(Gym)… Just giving up Sugar, carbs and eating more lean meat, fish and veg…After the initial headaches from coming off sugar(that should tell you all you need right there), but something odd happened…I began to feel better, I had more energy, no brain fog, my pain levels became more manageable, even a long standing stomach issue cleared up…it was official I felt good!!! More importantly my blood pressure dropped, I went from six tablets daily to two, my weight slowly but surely began fall also…

I’m sorry to say though just after a year, I had slipped back into my old eating habits…along with the dreaded weight gain, my health nose dived..my pain levels doubled, last year, In fact i spent six months virtually bed bound…my knee swollen and agony, my doctors telling me to rest it up and all would be well…I bowed to their professional knowledge, because that’s what one does when given advice and your desperate… But the pain never decreased, the swelling became more apparent, as did the ever increasing weight gain from being immobile for months, it’s not im a constant eater, or even a picker, no matter how often I joke about it, no it’s not the amount of food I eat, but what I eat…the convenience food, the quick dinner because it hurts too much for me to stand, even small sweet treats spark inflammation around the body…

By February I had come to a conclusion something had to give, and it wasnt going to be me, not this time.., I posted how i ditched anything with sugar, ultra processed, or carb laden…Since then I’ve lost nearly 30lb…Yes watching everything you eat in the beginning is tedium to say the least…Eating out is difficult to almost impossible…but it’s about what you want most…what I want, crave, ney need…is normality, I want to wake ready to greet another dawn, I will never be pain free, because That’s my lot in life, Pain and I have become old friends, kind of strange I know, but acceptance is the key…what I can do something about though is improving things for myself…I’ve seen so many doctors now, specialist, and as kind as their intentions are, I’m no better…My illnesses are incurable, but there’s no harm in making the best of a bad situation…I feel better taking charge of my own health,it’s something I can do,… I will also keep researching, keep eating a healthy foods only, nutritious, fresh. Making wise choices…

As the months pass by, I find myself no longer craving the foodstuff I would eat previously, rather I’m enjoying the taste of fruit,not just enjoying actually, but really tasting it almost for the first time…peaches for instance have never tasted better, flavour intensified exponentially, I no longer need to over season food, it’s own clean earthy flavours, textures being far more preferential now…this way of eating isn’t for everyone, I get that …but if it improves my life even by a fraction I’m ready to work at it some more…the 30lb weight loss although a bonus is nothing to the clarity of thought, increased energy and decrease of meds…here’s to the next six months in the Arena…whatever your doing this beautiful summers day, enjoy, stay safe and look after yourself.x💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹