It’s approximately 4:46 am, and I venture to say it’s Sunday and here lay again wide awake , while the rest of world sleeps soundly, I’m writing this , . Debating with myself wether I want to go to the effort of making a coffee, so far it’s an even debate, 50/50 for and against, And while I whittle away at the hours of darkness , Britbox playing merrily away to itself on my tablet, sitting proudly on its platform I went to great lengths to make , it’s a very specialized affair you know?, ..ok it’s An unpainted canvas perched across an open bedside cabinet drawer ,it kind of works and off course can disappear during the day , my rooms compact and every thing in it must have at least two purposes , even the full length mirror works as a card holder, it’s at the moment home for the two cards my daughter made and the one Jesse sent me for Valentine’s day, ( I can’t bring myself to put them away yet , much like the semi deflated balloon that may be just a bit wrinkled, going down rather rapidly but it still sits up in one corner of my ceiling, almost like a guard, it stands in those brief moments I may actually drift off in a nightmare fever filled haze of restless sleep, …

I normally come up with some unoriginal title or another for these wee missives of mine by now, but this one could well and up title_ less ( is that even a word)?, Here we go again another question that will go round and round till dawn, ( I may well break down and Google this) (( Hey Google has began ignoring me you know, worn her out) ,Anyway I’ve something i,m very excited about, if you’ve managed to make it through other messages of great doctrine importance, I’ve written, (or blogs to the rest of us mere mortals,) you will know how I’ve mentioned in more than a few lines on the odd occasion( ok whole paragraphs) about me and my little Amazon habit and how I’ve longed to go cold Turkey, (break myself of this) ( mmmm Turkey) ( food being yet another weakness)….I’ve tried in the past weeks and failed miserably, (shopping in general being another thing of mine) well folks i,m officially over well over that first week ) its 7 days , 5 hours and 33 minutes since my last purchase ..( More by the time I publish)

And not only can I proudly boast this, but I’ve not bought any food shopping either, everything i,m eating was already here in my stocked cupboard, I’ve eaten some very peculiar concoction,s, but to this end I’m kept fed( who knew, raw spinach, Pastrami, and yogurt dressing was a thing, tastes really good in a wrap folks honest give it a try) or there’s ready brek, ( kind of instant micro porridge ) with which I add sultana,s and a blob of raspberry jam, (this is delicious and not only that its so filling) ( I find I don’t need to eat for hours after), I have apples , ( although getting a whole one never happens, my house bun companion insists on his share , he loves pink lady apples best, although a Granny Smith isn’t to be sniffed at and most acceptable, ( I’m thinking maybe trying a red delicious variety, next in the vain hope I may yet eat the whole apple) it’s got to the point I think they grow in halves, . Wouldn’t mind myself and Jesse made sure Cinnamon has a well stocked larder, there’s every kind of dried herb, fruit, grass a bunny could dream of, but still I’m haunted for my meager rations, I’ve tried creeping on tip toe , but the second I go near the fridge or fruit bowl ,his up on his cute hind legs, head slightly tilted and like all animals without a word spoken, I hear ” oh your having food, what a marvelous idea I’m in need of a slight repast ” ” his a very well spoken rabbit you know” LOL

I feel quite like a modern day Robinson Crusoe here alone on my little bungalow island, not seeing or hearing a soul, unless I go into my back garden to hang out the wash to dry(or rain chicken as I like to call it, a novel little game for these climates( here in England we have six weather conditions an hour ) ,anyway the games where you leave out your newly sweet scented laundered clothes for as long as possible before the heavens open, not for the faint hearted) this is made extra fun as I now have to use the conservatory door, instead of my bedroom door, ( further located and allows for the rain to win ( no fair advantage ) ( but yesterday I won, I got three lines dry, ( crowd roars and cheers, id do a lap of honor but that may involved the paramedics after) As I begin to peg( pegs for our young folks amongst us being an ancient clothes attachment thingy for washing lines before dryers were born) out on my line,s of brightly coloured undies ( almost like XL bunting ) to blowing like sails in the breeze( I’m now praying they don’t shoot off the line make for freedom and end up on an unwitting passing horrified neighbours windowscreen as they drive by, ( swear my bloomers will block the whole screen and most of the car). anyway its one of the few times I hear real human people,s voices , that do not exist in tv land, ( not now seeing my little Amazon driver , or Iceland, Asda, Morrison’s drivers,( food delivery) (also my only concession to socializing) I’ve never seen our postperson ( post magically appearing around noon)( shoved rapidly through my post box) so oft there’s weeks I see no one.

Jesse has bought me some beans and tomato seed,s today that I may begin planting up my island( mean bungalow garden) the garden like my house is tiny , I’m not sure I can become self sufficient lol, but hey I can at least achieve the odd green bean to grace my plate, or cherry tomato for spinach salad, thinking of buying some fruit bushes, ok maybe the odd strawberry plant, ( you can get white strawberries now) I’m having to wait for those till I have my Shop thing in hand, one thing I have actually had fun doing, is filling my Amazon basket with plants and emptying it again, ( I know, but it kind of gives me a fix, I’ve done this at least three times daily, there is a point to this though , I will end up with only plants I really need, She says lol, …..

It’s now 4:20 pm and after just two hours of very fractured sleep i,m not even slightly tired, ( could be the coffee) the cold wash I was treated too, or just the memory of another nightmare haunting my day, whichever I’m here not even a nap in sight, sun shining through my broken patio door and my mind giving me a thousand orders a minute, ( you know you could be breaking up those Amazon boxes, ( from previous Amazon fixes), Maybe get that freaky hoover out and run it about , don’t ask I swear that thing hates me, ( no it does) ….pull some weeds out of the garden, but no I lay here drinking gallon mugs of hot delicious coffee …..it seems infinitely more preferable, as I do i think on about my earlier venture to wash up, I took in my clean clothes , and as I went to put on clean undies , I kid thee not two moths flew out of my pants, 😮, I think this sums up my life right now folks, I will now spend the afternoon wondering what the hell were they doing in there, ? Don’t think I care to dwell …..anyway enough from me , take care of yourselves and be careful out there 💗xx

So it’s Wednesday, well that’s is at least what I’m led to believe, and I only know this due to how crazy my days are panning out thus far, but mostly I believe it’s Wednesday with a touch of Friday, maybe a wee bit of Saturday just for good measure, you,’ll have to excuse me see it’s been one of those weeks, in fact it’s been one of those weeks since monday( sure your all nodding right now , because you all know the ones right?) ….it’s my monthly long haul every symptom come out to play time, . There’s me thinking I am passed the age of monthly things, but every month without fail since March 2020, I end up feeling like I’ve flu, throw in an explosive stomach, fevers, headaches of the like,And I,m begging every god for the return of my old days of migraines , ( And I dreaded those ) . Rashes that have me rolling and rubbing my back up my bed like some flea ridden mutt , it’s joyful,

I took ownership of Cinnamon bun,s( my house bunny) new palatial mansion monday, it’s a sight to behold, ( I had this built specifically to his highness,s wants and needs) and no finer finish for man or bunny you’ve ever to see , I swear it looks good enough to be a piece of furniture, Same day i went out as usual to feed my birds only for the back door to decide it wasn’t going to shut , there I am pleading with it to co operate, cajoling, sweet talking , this damn stubborn door , I only wanted it to listen to my heart felt plea, to close!! It’s not difficult. , in the end I resorted to words of a whole different language, this also would not persuade the stubborn article to shut,( voice raised arms waving i,m getting excitable , higher pitch to my voice) Jesse is sat in phone land shaking his head,and by now wondering who in the heck I’m talking to, but his not surprised when I tell him I’m talking to the door, poor man doesn’t blink an eye, he has got quite used to my talking to anything that will listen, especially things that have no choice , like inanimate objects, pets,my tablet, flys etc, I had to lift it up the door in the end and close it at the same time, onto a winning streak, I locked it hurriedly before it changed its mind , I half expecting to turn my back, to find it grinning at me mischievously and completely broken off laying on the bloody floor, the wind , hail and rain pouring in., I’ve no clue what,s occurred as up until then it has always worked perfectly well, but like I feel some days the older one gets bit,s have a habit of falling off.

I hoped upon hope next day that it had been just a one off thing, fluke, but as I gingerly opened it, the hope died and again I had to lift and pull to shut, I’ve decided the birds are just going to have to wait to be fed, I’m not , and I mean it , I’m not going out there, ! .the birds have since set up a dirty protest, I hear something akin to second world war fighter pilot,s call out, “Going over target,s now ” ” target at six o’clock release, open bomb bay doors” “Roger , Wilko over and out” wished the two Tom cats had been out there fighting at the time….( But no they wait till it’s night) And that’s another thing that crossed my mind as I lay awake, you know one those questions that refuse to leave you alone in the early hours?. Well mine is ,why do cats wait till it’s pitch black, dead of night, no sound what so ever, to do that blood curdling cross between a baby gurgling and me trying to singing opera , it’s an awful sound( and the cats) but it fills the night air and spooks the hell out of you….

To top this off, I ripped off my toe nail in bed that night, it’s completely gone, and I only stretched on wakibg, it caught on a blanket ,and well there was a bloodbath, this is so me, as a child I constantly had cuts , grazes and bruises. that was yesterday, today, your not going to believe it, I’ve broken the same toe, ….I went to light the wood burner and slammed the toe hard against the surrounding wood , there was a crunch , I felt sick and there we go, ….then we had the flush over flushing on the toilet, don’t ask about the plumber, but I really feel I would have had every right to hide under the covers this week until it was over, it is nearly over right?!!!!!

But on the up side I can proudly announce I’ve not done any shopping on Amazon since last Sunday , I’ve been tempted, filled my basket numerous times only to empty it, I’ve not done any food shopping either this is a record and I’m after at least another week on Amazon , food shop I may break down and do, but if the week carries onto next week , I may well crack, will let you know …take care all and be careful out there x

Yah know the good thing about burning the candle at both ends, you pretty soon learn how to do it without burning your fingers…( Neat trick ) ….I lay awake the whole night again, just me and my rabbit waiting out the hours, listening to howling winds , lashing rain up the windows, until the very first lines of azure blue break through the darkness, Rabbits you know are remarkable watch dogs, firstly as you are aware they have the ears for it lol, Secondly when they hear any strange noises or something different ,they thump the earth in their tunnel to warn fellow bunnies, ( well Cinnamon being in his bedroom that has a solid plastic flooring which when he thumps reverberate,s throughout my house, I swear the whole of the county hear it, the other good thing is bunnies are nocturnal, ( maybe I’m part bunny? 🐇)

Today even the morning light bought little relief, and so began the many treks to the kitchen to fill my trusty red kettle , then for the waiting for it to boil begins, it’s a sly devil (I tell you it actually hates me, no it does !!! ) if I stand there waiting for it to boil and need a bathroom visit badly , that thing sits there grining taking forever, yet if I put it on and walk away( even for a second) it’s done and goes cold, it’s a conspiracy I know it, through out my night time vigil I watched half of britbox varied selection, starting with my favourite, cops whose name I never can spell let alone pronounce, (but here goes, don’t say I don’t do anything for you, Delziel and Pascoe) the episode we selected, I think was ripe for a drinking game, nearly every line had the word Ball,s!!!!!!! in it, ( just glad I wasn’t drinking coffee for every mention, one more and my poor red kettle would blow a blooming fuse , and two I know my ceiling needs a good paint without me needing peeling from it, ( but it made me chuckle along and I forget my troubles a wee while.

Midsummer Murders, White queen, Shetland followed in quick succession as did more coffee, in the end even Cinnamon began giving me the evil eye, the light went off and on that frequently ,think my neighbours must have thought between that and the constant drift of smoke from the log burner I was trying to communicate with either Morse code or smoke signal, I placated an irate cinnamon with a slice of Apple and some spinach before going back to my room, Jesse still asleeping soundly in phone land never disturbed thank goodness.

I gave up at 6 am, trying to catch any Zs, they were more elusive throughout the night, than flowers from an ex, ..so I got up, showered, the caffine by now verily sloshing away in my veins, and at six thirty I’m giving my 70 year old neighbour a very loud rendition not so true version of Relax by Frankie ….I swear my bodies only just realised I’ve stopped swaying to my poor execution of said song and ceased its jiggling, (if their was any huge numbers on the Richter scale, I do humbly apologize to all,

I dressed in clean fleecy pjs, retrieved my bin that had broken free and taken itself off for a morning stroll in the breeze, (I say breeze lightly like we do here, it’s actually more of an angry gale out there,) I just got in the door when the heavens opened and rain beat the windows mercilessly ,(quite like a Madame whiplash cracking her whip joyfully), it sounds almost like a dull roar upon the conservatory roof, but I always enjoy that sound, it’s strange but as loud as it is, it hush,s my over sensitive nerves and I then go about cleaning my kitchen molified , calm,. kettle quietly bubbly, washing machine fills, and cinnamon munches on dried herbs, I sigh to myself knowing , I survived intruders, fevers, galloping diarrhea , my minds best endeavors to un_nerve me and another sleepless night,, I celebrate with yet another large coffee and another hour of the bountiful Britbox !!!!!!.

While out on the kitchen , I saw two eggs that I had been meaning to eat all last week and didn’t quite fancy!!!, ( I still don’t !!!!) .hating waste I scramble the eggs via my matching red microwave to give to the birds, Yes you can stop looking horrified, sweet cute little birdies really are raving cannibals, their cuteness just hides their true inner selves, .I add to this a selection of fruit, bread, seed, lettuce, and they are having a better diet than most humans, …I go out into the howling wind just to feed my starving feathered friends, (she has the morning food boys, news loudly hits the air as soon as I walk out the door , from the large tree a few doors down, And they flock to gather, quite literally sorting out their pecking order as I fill their feeders , I feel I’m being supervised now! ( and I wonder am I doing this correctly as they stare on, or are they sizing me up 😬

It’s only as I’m filling the feeders , that I realise mud is begining to sqelch freezingly up between my once showered toes, ( yet again I walked out in my normal bare foot, fashion ,( oh well), …. After rolling up my pj bottoms and showering mucky feet, I lay watching my birds feast, the early March sun breaking through to warm my room, my peace , only finally disturbed by the Amazon driver who now has become so familiar, I’m thinking of asking him to give me away when myself and Jesse marry, …he smiles hands me my parcel, and that my dears is the extent of my peopling for a Friday , ( today’s delivery another huge sod off padlock and hasp and staple for securing my shed( it’s only full of half dead boxes, but their my boxes so there!!!!) it’s a tiny little box compared to the huge thing I was given monday, That box being nearly as big as this bedroom, ( it’s contents my latest addition,s to my knickers collection, (yeah I know , sighs, just can’t help myself, ….But( no pun intended) on reflection i,m now wondering should I actually feel insulted,???? (what is Amazon saying about the size of my drawers, ? No do not answer that on a postcard !!!!, …..stay safe my friends and be careful out there xx

So as we all now know, I’m at best a light sleeper, ( that’s of course when it see,s fit to happen at all, ….Every nnight our routine is to put something on Britbox to watch till we both fall into a stouper and z,s fill the air both sides of the pond. The night before I had been extremely restless, ( mainly due to the fact my garden had been broken into at some point the night before) And with my history, i was too nervous to settle ( I’ve programmed myself to hear every little sound) nothing falls under my radar ears, (comes from being a mum at one time who had little ones to listen for) Even when morning came I was far too anxious to sleep, what sleep I did manage was at best in slots of ten minute intervals, which is exhausting and I find if I’m honest worse than nothing ….So last night I lay awake after an initial half hour doze,

It was super windy here and I heard loud bangs and crashes throughout the night,,,for someone with my history , living alone this is terrifying, I can’t begin to describe what goes through ones head, every little sound, set off sparks of additional adrenaline zinging through my vains, my nerves such, I could hear my heart race, I’m jumping out my skin, every kind of emotion runs one after the other, my PTSD mind loves to play it’s games,All I want is to curl into a ball and cry, I’m deeply upset, scared and also angry, ……it’s a reminder of the damage done to someone when they have suffered abuse, I hate the feeling of my weakness, that vulnerability,

I’ve always been a tom boy kinder person you see, I have dragged myself out of some pretty dangerous spots, I rode trail bikes on mud tracks without a care for my safety, took onboard abused horses that were left so mentally scared they would lash out at anyone, nothing ever frightened me, So this I hate, this is foreign territory, and I don’t know how to deal with it, …my instinct is the same as always now, I’m hurting , I’m afraid , and like most animals backed into a corner , I come out snapping , I won’t let anyone comfort me , talk about what’s happening, it’s a reflex ,knee jerk reaction, one that in my past helped me survive, i,m waiting for those I love to turn on me too, so I don’t let them in, I withdraw, hide in those deep dark catacombs of my head to wait it out, Jesse knows the drill now, his seen me retreat within myself too many times, he never takes offence, and has learnt to wait till I’m ready to share….I can’t explain this fear that eats at me, that strips away the humour with which I normally see my life, ( another survival thing I believe)that new found vim and vigour his helped me find slowly over the years just vanishes , that spirit I once took for granted was slowly growing and returning ……all these emotions run raw and are tiring on that of a healthy body, on one that spikes fevers nightly from Covid long hauling, it depletes and leaves me trying to run on empty , feeling ill…..

I lay in my bed for the longest time this morning, too exhausted and wrung out to speak even, I had in fact I think slept a while at day break, but even my dreams were haunted and disturbed., after an hour of staring off into the distance, going to the bathroom forced me to move, while there I showered , dressed and decided to tackle taking out the trash, ….when I did, I couldn’t help but wished I hadn’t ,

A largish section of the perimeter fence was down, instantly , adrenaline serges and I’m shaking , I cannot control the quakes that hit , . The fence had been neatly laid one section ontop of the other, this was outside my Garden , And I did no more than try to prop up the pieces to try to fill in the gap, it was useless but instinct wanted me to secure my surroundings, do something, anything, again anger reared its ugly head( and folks I hate this emotion , it does nothing for me, doesn’t serve any purpose) but I’m angry I never learnt any DIY skill, I’ve no clue how to repair fences and that really messes with my head, ( never being allowed near power tools, or actually so much as a screw driver, where does one start. But I did what I could, then one of those fabulous coincidence,s happen, two lovely folks I met through getting Cinnamon his own custom built domain made, got in touch out of the blue,

Firstly I think In my same old pattern, ( I will be a bother, I couldn’t possibly ask them for help, I barely know them right?,maybe it’s asking too much) I battle this out in my head, conflicting arguments take hold for half hour, then I take the bloody plunge and just ask?, I hate it, I feel useless, a burden , but I also knew I couldn’t face one more night unsecured, I felt violated enough, I needed help, And did that rarest of things and reach out to someone via text , And bless their hearts within the hour, not only the husband arrived , power tools to the rescue!!!! , but his wife, think she knew from my garbled text I would feel better with her added presence,

It was a quick neat job and my fence is most likely up more secure than ever and the best bit was I met two amazing people, life gave me one set of skills , that was how to survive , tell my who to be aware of , it never taught me how to reach out and accept help, to indeed just hold my breathe and trust, … This is yet another skill to learn ….take care folks and be careful out there xx

My names Theresa it’s been four days since my last confession, I think !!!,( Im not sure that I’ve not mixed up the confession box, with too much of the adult juice box, but I believe you get my drift…..I tried really hard( honest) to stay away from the Amazon lure( that’s the Amazon online shop not to be confused Amazon Basin of course) and indeed shopping in general,…But I’m here to confess to my weaknesses,, ( it went all down hill faster than me getting to a bake sale with free cake,s for the first five people). It started with rabbit shopping,, Hair dye and if course a tablet case, so now I’m fighting off badly all their other proffered up products and goodies, they have this magical habit of popping up on my email daily, so you see it’s really not my fault , ( I mean who doesn’t need a clean two speed hand held go faster bidet, A 300 strand of copper wired flashing fairy lights with eight functions, or indeed a life time supply of one’s favourite coffee,

In Theresa land, I see this working out perfectly well for me, to the point I could maybe take my coffee machine into the bathroom, wrap the fairy lights around the non existent bathroom mirror, and Bidet to my little hearts content, (This then could of course also lead to other buying opportunities, .. course I will need a bathroom mirror, an extension cord, few rugs, New blind …….etc etc( oh yes this could be wonderful , I can see it all now…, ..flashing lights, add some music, my neighbour,s will come for miles, calling to join in my rave either that or planes will land in my tiny garden !!!!!..But on a more serious note, I do know I have to get this under control, it’s not easy when your stuck in the house all day every day, Jesse and Cinnamon rabbit try their best to keep me entertained, that not being easy for either , as Jesse works long hours, plus his running out of one liners, his also walked about with one of my bra,s on his head so often now to amuse me, his Neighbour,s think it’s a new Covid protection item, !!, Cinnamon has tried everything from flinging about his cardboard kitchen roll tube, to playing bowls with his poops, ( his getting quite good at it funny enough

Poetry writing being harder to gather inspiration for, I don’t go out to commune with mother nature,Also there’s not much romance to be had in reconciliation of clients books, or who woke feeling less aches and pains that morning as we awoke, (Although there were a few tender moment,s, from our Friday date night Candlelit supper , consisting of an all the meats pizza and tater tots, that was indeed quite touching plus tasty, ….so what to do about my addiction, it has to go , I have to indeed pull up my big girl woman’s boy shorts ( I love those ladies , they are so comfy and the best value at the moment, in such a range of colors arghhhhhhh!!!!) Each day I wake with good intentions, only for them to be scuppered at the last , (new Solar lit fence …..

I swear sometimes the universe is working against me here! , I woke earlyish, while Jesse slumbered on, looking across at my newly purchased box of Auburn glow hair dye, the woman on the box, (grinning at me with that all to knowing secretive sickeningly beautiful smile)( she knows what I’m about to put myself through in the name of vanity and red Auburn glow hair) , her hair is perfect, make up also impeccably applied, And here I’m sat in my almost shell shocked state, looking like the cats rejected catch of the day, that’s how I feel too, .no not quite at deaths door yet, but im knocking at the bloody thresh hold, . I know I should take this opportunity while Jesse sleeps to dye my hair, ( I say I know I should, but my minds doing a marvelous job of talking me out of it as fast as the thought occurred) ” yah know Treez your expecting an Amazon delivery, the minute you put on the stinky hair gunk, they WILL!!!! turn up, ” . I envision now my normal little driver , who already hands me my stuff dubiously, shoving my parcel in my hand and taking off down the path almost wetting himself with laughter. I tell myself that,s ok and I’m not that worried what he thinks really, ( the guy already see,s me most times with my makeup from the night before , gradually sliding down my face, ..I then worry will Jesse wake?, ( I can here his laughter already) , me dying my hair is indeed something to behold, as I manage to get dye everywhere and anywhere , my shirt, face, neck, door frames, shower glass, towel,s, even Murphy our white boxer once, I’m successful at dying my whole house, and yet managing to get my hair Looking like a stray manly tabby cat….

I scold myself into taking the plunge, but before hand, I pour myself a large coffee., coffee is much needed to prime oneself, .then I go sit on my bed and open my box of tricks, there in the box is two tubes, a bottle half filled with white gunk, and a pair of cheap ill fitting plastic gloves, I hate these things, for .1. they always remind me of ermmmmm ( shudders), intimate ladies examination,s, ( And that too cheerful doctor who insists on chatting away , telling you to relax Dear!!!, as his pulling in his gloves with a snap each finger, and staring with a miners lamp attached to his fore head at your Delilah ) 2. I have always had to fight with said gloves, it feels like Ive put them on the wrong hand every time, even if I try them on both, ( shakes head)..conclusion of the day I have mutant hands….( Well I must ) ….. I always put the dreaded gloves to one side, using forefinger and thumb gingerly until I’ve mixed Gunk A tube into Gunk B bottle and shake shake shake !!!! Like some odd alien cocktail ….

This achieved I put on the offensive plastic gloves(ewwwwww), (you have to blow into them first it’s the law) …..I then set about rubbing the alien gunk into my hair , it’s vile, stinks of something, but I’m not game enough to label it, ( And apparently according to the box (this is the new improved pleasant smelling version) I would scowl at the box, but my eyes are watering too, much to focus and my nose hair falling burnt on the bed) …And after much ado, And one ear permanently cocked listening for my love to wake, I managed to have covered my hair, t shirt, bed, coffee cup, tablet and phone,!! ………then the dreaded wait, now this is a conundrum folks, does the allotted time to wait, start as you apply orrrrrr after you finish,? they have never say do they?,

I sit on my bed drinking my fast going cold coffee, cold gunk dripping it’s brown ouse down my back, playing a game on my tablet for distraction, my poor head itching and I long to scratch the tingling mess, and look abiut for something, anything, I hav,nt already covered yet, to scratch that damn infernal itch, I settle for my pink mechanical pencil( as I do I nod profoundly, huh that will teach it for being bloody pink, now it’s pink with lovely Auburn overtones) I complete three levels of my matching coloured shapes game , it,s syrupy friendly voice telling me how , wonderfully , spiffing and Marvelous I am . ( sitting here with plasma, brown ouse making its way dripping down my nose, smelling out my bedroom i,m not in the mood to believe it.

It’s time to wash off the offending mess, ( have you noticed, it’s always harder to get that muck rinsed out than it is to apply, …..it feels like some form of water torture, ( I’m ready to confess to anything ,just get this off me)…And it goes everywhere, in my ears, eyes , mouth and what remains of my t shirt , …..finally i,m rinsed, (now if I could just use the spin cycle too dry off a bit, that would be a help) , I grab anything to hand to wipe my eyes ,( that are by now stinging like I’ve rubbed raw peppers in them vigorously, ….it’s a dry wash cloth, but I’m no longer fussy, it works, ( water drips in fat splodges across my floor, but right now I don’t flipping care, it’s over, the battle of the hair dye and myself commenced, I took it on , not sure who won, but I sigh exhaustedly , wrap my hair in a towel, drink what’s now a freezing quarter cup of coffee , get my breathe back before I begin to go round rescuing objects from brown goo with my lemon fresh wipes.

I wash , do my make up , change fast changing from black to dog poop brown t shirt, spray myself with perfume and ok I don’t look anything like the perfect model on the box, and with my hair drying fast, ( I think I’ve covered about 60% , the rest well with so ingenuity and my bumper cap it will be fine right?????, I check my delivery time, ( to see if I’ve made it in time) to only find, it’s not coming in fact today but tomorrow) ( oh well tomorrow is another day) so for today I’m left with another major decision , a dilemma of world proportions, you see now I have thanks to to joys of comfy Ruxia knickers become collector , they come in different colours which doesn’t help, but at the early days of my collecting , I designated a drawer specifically, ( a drawer,s drawer, bloomer box, shorts section) here the issue , it’s a tiny drawer , and my collection is growing , ladies , gents you have my issue , do I now buy a chest of drawers ? Oh no back to Amazon .

And before you ask? , about Micturation, it’s a word we learnt while watching one of our many programme,s on Britbox , all I will say it’s made saying I’m going to the bathroom different , that’s all I’m going to tell yah !!!!!! There’s your home work for tonight,, go google, take care folks and be careful out there xx

Day 3, nope it’s officially night, hell i don’t know.?…I’m still in the valley of no sleep, last night being worse than ever, I should warn you now I rhink, i can barely focus,let alone spell or string more than two words together at any one time, so this is your polite notice, this could indeed get very very weird fast and not quite so polite. I’ve also have had a veritable feast of caffeine in my defense, more than is wise most likely, but when ones head refuses to co operate it call,s for desperate measures, ( I’m sure once it hits my stomach I’m going to really regret this !) . It was on my second caffeine laced brew that I get a message that I can look forward to receiving my new housemate by friday, ( my new housemate being of the very very cute fluffy butt variety , ok a bunny ) I’m getting a baby bunny 😁😁😁😁awwwww, so before my new arrival , I need of course , water bottles, feed bowl,s , food, arghhhhh,) I did though spend a pleasant interlude trawling Amazon buying all my new bunnies needs and much he doesn’t , making yet more coffee for shopping we all know to shop is thirsty work….

The minute I hit that pay button, I remember I was going to avoid online shopping for the week, guilt begins to kick straight in, and like any dieter indulging in that large delicious slice of moist chocolate cake, I feel sick at once, I try to justify my mistake, I needed things for my Rabbit right? , And in fairness I did, ( you can’t just go take and it from local per shops shops , they frown upon this still I believe, but I was still angry at myself , I had lasted all of three days, And I suppose I could have not mentioned it and gone on as before, but frankly this isn’t me!, Laying back against my pillow depression reared its ugly head, once again I had failed, .my inner bully made free with its taunts of loser!!!!! In my over tired sleep deprived brain, “See knew you wouldn’t stick at it”, ( I did indeed make a boob, a muckup, I had once again failed) …..doesn’t help i,m fighting off a fever, and I have what I can only describe as the feeling of a sandworm( tremors) eating it’s way slowly through my right ear trying hopelessly to locate a brain or at least a few stray cell,s, stinky gunk slides out and makes its way down neck, I dammed this up quick smart with a nice wad of tissue aka an earplug, and lay sadly in my fleece covered bed starring into space 😁.

This has though lead to some very interesting conversation,s with Jesse, he has, I know ! Been his usual polite gentlemanly self , but with one bunged ear and the other facing away from him, Its given cause for me to give him some very odd looks , At one stage he said( I think) ” I might shut my eyes for a while”, ( I heard I’ve been worried about its size for a while, ( I look up slowly from what I had been doing, dubiously not quite knowing what I may see, only to see him rubbing his tired half shut eyes and the truth dawn,s, ) folks i,m so glad I held my tongue😁,

An hour later, I raised my tired achy self, birds are hanging out along the fence looking in my bedroom window , they are begining to look a little too hungry ! And I worry will a passing sparrow try to fly off with one of my young neighbours outside playing or the yappy little dog that screams outside several times a day. For the good of all, I grab fat balls😉, bread, fruit, and seed and brace myself to let the cold air hit my still nightshirt covered body, it was indeed cold but delicious on my feverish skin ..after tackling the birds, feeding a late fed and very irate Cinnamon bun, I get my self into the bathroom to wash, I throw on the first t shirt I can get my hands on, it’s a black shirt Jesse bought me a while back at the Los Lonely boys concert, I’m at once glad of it,s big black baggy comfort, the memory is like a hug , it surrounds me like arms had many times when I felt upset, I often wear a shirt of Jesse’s or one he bought me when I feel un well or upet, it’s hard feeling ill while alone, but instantly covered in its fresh washed smell and warmth of a memory I don’t feel so alone.

Earlier I compared my shopping addiction to dieting and falling off the wagon , and that’s when it hit me, I did indeed slip , but just like that dieter i,m going to stop being so bloody self indulgent in my misery and carry right on where I left off, I have though stuck to sitting in my candle/ fairy lit room,. I’ve only eaten store cupboards foods, and resisted buying any number of things ,while buying things for my Rabbit friend, it nearly happened in a moment of weakness , but I emptied my basket and signed out quick……..tomorrow is indeed though another day .

It is I believe a Tuesday, although if you asked me to swear on this, you know I really couldn’t or wouldn’t , . Yet another night of just four hours very broken sleep, I say night this was by now 7:30am , I’m well passed that overly tired bench mark,in fact I’m even passed tired, hallucinations, tears, are as dust, I’m now on autopilot, I’ve seen over tired ,waved to it goodbye and I’m well on my way back, …this is what comes of an active mind, I lay my head down, And it decide,s its the moment to ask a thousand un important questions , like a small child asking it’s parent Why!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????

Have you ever been in that semi comatose state? , where you let your brain talk you into all manner of good things?, Well for me it’s a regular occurrence.Today’s fun was” let’s transfer our land lady her rent money, ” fun fun fun, . Well yesssss, unless your sleep addled brain is in charge that is ! , everything worked out so well in theory mmmhmmm, Then I go and try to put it into practice , I’ve had no coffee, my mouth feels like a sandbox, ( used by half the neighbourhood tom cats) my heads full of last night’s questions dancing round like worms in an Apple ) but I’m up for the challenge anyhow,

I manage to get up my bank on my tablet, this in itself is indeed a minor miracle , I congratulated myself whole heartedly and then set about the next level, which is my passwords., can I remember the pass, ? . The one that the nice lady at my bank insisted had to be so many letters, continent,s ,vowels, nouns, adverbs and numbers to prevent anyone figuring it out, I can’t remember my own name at 7 am much less a complicated pass , but with a will of iron, ok sheer stubbornness I manage this mammoth task, not only managing but i,m excelling Baby!!!!!!, I’m on a roll, the world is indeed my lobster, I can now go on and do the actual transfer, all this before coffee, ……I conclude this days banking activities, turn off my tablet , lay back on my memory foam neck pillow, in hopes, I may drift off for an hour at the very least, when suddenly my head pings into action, did you finalise that, ? Are you sure? ..I don’t remember seeing that flashing big all singing , all dancing success notice,

So now I’m up and awake, ( which is indeed clever considering I hadn’t slept) ..I pick up my tablet, do the whole sign in thing againnnnnn!!!!! And begin to check my accounts, as of yet nothing has left it, but I think logically and clearly ( I can do this) And decide to wait a couple of hours , try to get some sleep and come back this afternoon. I then decide to go and wash, clean up the mess in my kitchen from the night before , but first I need food!!!!, It’s one of the rare occasions I’m actually hungry , not only hungry my stomach growls protesting the lack of attention, I step out onto the freezing flooring barefoot , (I’m always barefoot I hate shoes on my feet) check out the cupboards to see if I have a half fresh crust or anything halfway edible, first thing I picked up was a bagel, one lone bagel left in its wrapper ….I spot the delicious tart blackcurrant jam and plan my feast, do I do butter first or just jam? These are very important decisions folks, not to be taken lightly yah know, I put the kettle on while I think this through thoroughly.

Kettle on , mouth watering I retrieve my prized bagel from its packet, as I do the bottom fall,s from my sleep deprived world, it either has decided to join me in the delight that is Covid rashes but in an attractive shade of green, or this is indeed the dreaded mould, …I’m not normally fussy and would have cut this off and still are it, ( oh don’t all look disgusted you’ve all done it) but this was covered, I promise I don’t leave things for weeks , this was just surprising just days, so it’s back to the drawing board, I rifle through the cupboards and find some bread, aha I’m having bread and jam, but first I’m taking the offending bagel out to feed the birds,

As I pass my bed I grab two greasy fat ball,s( this is not some hint at my sex life or there very lack of) it’s fat mixed with seed rounded into balls for birds, I take out some seed too, forgetting i,m only in my nightshift and shorts, but this is quickly forgotten as I’ve been spotted by a line of very hungry birds, they are sitting just feet away , two sparrows and a wren all waiting for me to dispense breakfast, I break up the bagel, the fat ball,s ,which despite being made of reused fat are rock solid and Grosse , ( but birds luv em) I’m engrossed in the job at hand, so much so I don’t feel the chill, or indeed the digging sharp broken gravel under foot, .I also don’t notice my neighbour watching out his window, till too late!!!!!!, ( I’m still only in my nightshirt,

Birds fed , breakfast made of bread and jam, coffee in my thermos cup, i,m by now frozen and dive back into fleece covered bed to enjoy slowly my repast , while I eat I long to trawl the world of Amazon, for all those things I think I really must have , can’t live without, but actually don’t need, . Maybe do a weeks shopping at Asda, Iceland , or Tesco whomever has a rare vacant slot, they are like gold dust these days . But here comes the long awaited thing I mentioned yesterday I would tell you about…., You see last week I realised my shopping had become somewhat of a problem, an addiction., Something i,m doing to fill my long hours of isolation, And really I don’t need anything or want it …..it’s one of my two addictions , the other being much worse and harder to conquer, ( no it’s not drink or drugs) but one that’s taken over my days all the same, ….

So here goes, firstly I’ve decided to go cold Turkey from Amazon, erghhhhhh, then to cut back further I’ve decided to not do my usual weekly online shopping, instead I will use only what’s in my cupboards, fridge or freezer, I’ve not cheated and done a shop first, my last shop being mid week last week, there’s not much in but with forward thinking , a bit of ingenuity I can throw food together , done this from need many moons ago, last night I made spicy veggie wraps with bacon and veggies,all from my stores, tonight chicken pieces with potatoes , stock , and wine cooked in the slow cooker. I’m going even further in my frugal path , only using my battery fairy lights, candles, hearing is my log burner, I have wood already in, I’m trying this originally for one week, but will go on longer if I feel I can….I will keep you informed, it’s not going to be easy, I’ve less than a pint of milk , hardly any bread , nothing to make sandwiches with, well except jam, but this will be fun and make me use my brain more and use up the groceries I have in …….today was a real struggle , but I’m determined to at least do the week ….then onto the big problem ……wish me luck and take care all xx

Last night was yet another wakeful night, I slept in half hour increment,s for roughly four hours finally this morning though, none of it deep or lasting, which in a way is always a blessing, no nightmares ( I have do these Pollyanna moment’s lol) you know playing the glad game, it’s from the film of the same name, cute and worth watching, even though I was exhausted sleep again evaded., a sudden sharp feeling of being cold awoke me , I had as usual shoved all the fleece blankets off during one period of feverish sleep, plus I had my window open , heater off,( like all normal folk right lol) I do not do anything by halves as you will see.

I pulled all the covers up from the bottom of my bed,tightly around my shivering body, swaddled i lay listening to the rest of the world , (which i add is mostly on normal British time for some hours and awake, ) they Go about daily business, and I know eventually I’m going to have to join them and make for the dreaded bathroom , I do my daily infantry, ( it’s wise at this age to check everything’s present and correct, intact , ..Although I don’t need to really, as most of it aches enough to let me know,.. today my back decided to do its thang, it’s stiff , aches and clicks, things move in there of their own volition( I swear, ……….I sit on the edge of the bed waiting for my protesting spine to catch up with me, it cracks loudly, protesting at my need to move, it’s a wonder it doesn’t wake Jesse asleep in phone land ( Jesse, I refresh for those who don’t know, is my fiance over the pond in the USA, we are indeed still on chat 24/7 and have been for nearly two years now) is this a record? ( due mainly to immigration laws.

I look across , his still slumbering soundly, the pain meds I took just hours before hadn’t done much, but had made moving to the bathroom at least achievable,( well I hoped) they were worn off, I look longingly at the packet, but I ration my meds as much as possible these days, …so it’s another morning that I don’t dive out of bed to an annoying jolly jingle and bird song like they do on the tv adverts looking perfect make up in place, no with a whole different set of sound effects, I grumble and shuffle away , it feels like I’m off to conquer Everest, not just going to the loo,

As I wash my shivering body of the night before,s grime , my head over taking my thought pattern, it,s already screaming for strong dark, rich coffee, like a sirens call, it plagues and with it’s seductive words drag me off to the kitchen, where i give in to its whim,s at once . Over the last few days a false spring had got me fooled,we have had some beautiful warmish days, sun beaming, clear azure skies, and even huge bee,s one morning buzzed loudly passed my open window,….but today I swear I heard it was laughing, I could almost hear the words( fooled yahhhhh!!!!) As i shook with cold around my tiny bungalow, every room cold and uninviting, it was Monday, I hate Mondays and I hadn’t slept, had coffee, I hurt , it ain’t !!! Allowed to do cold on me too I tell yah it’s just not fitting!!!!,

I spoke to my room mate,( My rabbit Cinnamon ) who of course I’ve given breakfast , ( his lordship is fed first and foremost of course) he likes a very fresh kale leaf or some room temperature baby spinach served before I can even wake properly, he makes his needs known by at first boisterous ripping up of his news paper, that once lined his domain and shoving it about moodily , or if indeed, mums still away in dream land we then resort to proceed to pick up our ceramic food bowl and drop it till it crashes loudly, reverberating through my sleep addled head, I turn to look around at him, fraughtly calling pleading” I’m getting your food, hang on darling ” His by now sitting staring at me cute nose twitching , adorably pulling one ear down to clean, looking so innocent, the cherub!!!! , …this is part of my morning, every morning and I wonder if my eldery neighbour must think I have a very demanding husband who lays back against the pillows demanding sustenance daily, ( if only lol

I peek outside to see if its as indeed as and dull grey as it feels ,its cold , wet still Monday , I then decide that is as far outdoors as I need to venture for one day, and fling down my curtain disgusted, where’s my spring?, The sunshine, blue sky?…..oh well I turn up my oil filled radiator, go back to bed with my coffee until I can take my meds and stop shaking from this darn chill…. I had only lay there an hour fighting off the lure that is shopping at Amazon( I have an announcement to make about this by the way, which shall be spoken of tomorrow, I’m putting it off lol) …I just got my back comfortable and buried myself deeply under my fleece nest, when as always, that blooming doorbell rang, ..sighing , I dig myself out from under my covers, run fingers through last night’s bed hair and mumble away to myself as I go to answer it, …I don’t fancy anyone’s chances as I look like a walking dead extra from the reject bin and I hurt , not at best a good combination,( I don’t do people before caffeine intake) I get there finally my grumbling by now reaching fever pitch, and as I open the door to yet more freezing air and oh my god real daylight!!!!!!!, …I now must remember how to do that thing called peopling, ( and I don’t wanna) it must have shown as the poor guy shuffled nervously foot to foot, finally after a while him staring at what must have looked like something left over from Michael Jackson’s thriller video or I needed emergency help , He did eventually find his voice” erm Jason ????? ”

Now I know I look bad , but really !?, I look down at my white t shirt covered chest and say ermmmm ” Maybe not hmmm” ….he grins apologetically , ” no ” at his feet is a padded blue thermo bag, Pizza written on one side ….now I love a pizza same as the next person, ( it is indeed a weakness) but for brekkie is a bit extreme right ?, …it isn’t the first time I’ve had delivery guys at my door, trying to shove their hot pizza box in my half asleep hand,s( no not a euphemism) ….since being here it’s almost weekly, some are so convinced I’m Jason , John, Marie or Andy I’m really getting to the point even i,m confused!, .And they really want me to have this pizza,!!!!! one arguing I must be Samantha his gadget phone thingy tell,s him so he says emphatically, !!!!!!!!….I have been tempted to agree before , but I’m honest and have an image of poor Samantha cold, sad but eyes, waiting all sorrowful for her slice of hot cheesey heaven( no not another euphemism I promise) I explain tiredly over again i,m not or indeed never have been Jason, ( I know I’ve scar,s on one breast and abdomen but I’ve always been a Theresa as far as i know, …he walks away head bent over his hand held gadget confused( sorry ) , “saying I better phone the office then”, . I agreed, just wanting to get to my fast chilling coffee and finish this peopling for one day….

There really is no escaping doing this whole socialising thing is there, even though I do enjoy a little interaction with others of the species, I just wish they would be in my strange time frame , ( normally late noon and after at least two coffee,s and a shower) I cannot string one sensible sentence till then , I hope your all staying safe and looking out for one another ❤

Only saving grace about Sundays these days, is that having I’ve not slept enough Saturday night to know where my Saturday’s end and Sunday is in fact begining. This is really how my weeks are, it’s like one long day rolling on, .I rarely even see daylight living life quite like Rhubarb, ( it’s grown in darkness, but for candlelight) .

I’m coming up for nearly two years of confinement, first was as you may know for my safety, second is a mix of both long hauling and sheltering, last time I left the house at all was Christmas eve, then only to Lidl,s by cab, I don’t know about any body else?, but I know I now struggle to communicate these days, it’s almost like I’ve lost the ability, Never was a truer word said when we call it self isolating, because that is indeed what I’ve done,

The few times I have the odd visitor , I’m ok while we pass on pleasantries, how are you? , the weather, family etc then I become antsy , I struggle with things to say, . I get asked honey am, and I admit I do the British stiff upper lip thing, oh me of course I’m fine, inside i,m struggling with any number of long haul symptoms, but who wants to bore someone to death with that, …in the beginning I found the confinement hard and my mental health nosedived , I lived in one room rarely venturing out unless to use the bathroom,

A few times I tried standing outside in a little concrete walled walkway , that,s between my son’s flat and the viaduct, my nearest neighbours were a group of ex racing pigeons that had left their cozy pigeon lofts to revert to the wild, only greenery was the odd butterfly bush bravely sprouting Willy Nilly through wall,s or growing out of the bridge, it was very inspiring to stand outside there, and when people passed by I actually did feel un at ease, nervous, really 99 point 9 percent of my two years have been spent hidden away .

Since March last year to be honest, most of the time I’m indeed to sick or tired to bother, but occasionally I miss the heady days of my coffee shop and people watching, living alone gives much time for deep reflection , regrets and yes sometimes happier times , I long to walk , feel the sun upon my face, sir under the trees and write, listen to the humming drone of big fat bumble bee,s as they lazily make their way from flower to flower, I miss the mellow sweet songs of the Black bird, Chaffinches, and collared doves sounds like it’s asking who who? …

Now I rely on Netflix , Britbox like I suppose many of us do to get their fix of what once was real life … what is real life for us now? ..just faces half covered and fear in the eyes of passing folks , I have to wonder how are we to get back to normal life once This is over?, Will Mrs Jones down the road go and do her shop at the high street again, ? Or has online shopping become out new normal ? , will passing the time of day with each other return,? coffee with a neighbour? How will we go back almost in time to those days where we innocently, almost boredly went about life with each other ….

As I reflected on all this, I realized perhaps my life may never indeed return back to ” Normal” , I’m learning to live in this strange new world , of Covid 19 long hauling,Pain, isolation, a world that’s seems almost like I’m living in a science fiction novel, one that I have to write my own ending , And where in truth the me that was an old hippie, poet , lover of art , books may not fit in, but on living this weird Covid island like life, I learn an awful lot about me, us and moving on…..stay safe ,

Bit of an exaggeration here, I slept some off and on, going to sleep with one episode of Vera on Britbox , waking up to a whole new murder going on and thinking as one does in a muzzy sleep hazed brain, ” Don’t remember him” . The sun was awake and shining merrily away through the patio doors, making my usually frozen little bedroom like sleeping in a green house with no door open, my shirt was indeed sticking to my back, and for once I was unsure whether the cause was my usual nightime fever or it was just so blooming hot( I settled for the second )

I would love to say I dove out of bed, and sprinted to the bathroom, but I dive nowhere these days unless it’s face first, when the floor magnet pulls me down , ( because it wants a cuddle ) . So after giving myself a damn good talking too, I made it off the bed,shuffled next door, to glare at the Shower as I walk passed to go brush my teeth, …it’s not the showers fault it’s a perfectly good functional water sprayer thingy, it’s just it requires so much energy( doesn’t it, all that getting naked, washing then dressing again, I prefer to blame the Shower than blaming myself getting dirty) , But this is my routine ,plus I’m hot and sweaty and standing under running cool water today seems actually inviting , to me its really the easier option, I just soap up ,the water does the rest for me ….

It felt good washing away the night before, I had a bad headache, ( Headaches since Covid are indeed a force to be reckoned with, really feeling like ones head wants to explode and your eyes eject out of their sockets, I can’t explain it really ,but as a lifetime sufferer of headaches these are trust me unique ( and born in a good way) .the little sleep I had managed was filled with nightmares another Co vid joy, your dreams are so lifelike, vivid, I woke at least once short of breath, and getting up to check my door was indeed locked ( it if course was.

As I stand under the tepid water ,I pull my back scrubber back and forth across my rash covered back, it’s wonderful, my back feels cleaner and itched all at the same time, I let out a little contented sigh,( I love my back scrubber)

After showering I go get dressed, which I do in my living room , I can sit down and get my breath back, my bunny looks on amused, . I make a pint of strong hot almost black coffee, in the vain hopes it can wake up the parts of me that refuses to join in with this whole daytime awake thing…(.it’s useless there really isn’t enough coffee for that.)… I’m aching and I’m tempted to roll back under the covers and watch another half episode of Vera and drink my brew, but if I do that my head won’t let me settle , I hear that voice who berates, yell,s and spurs me in my sides to move, so I sit listening to Jesse sleep, the sound of distant blackbirds, and the revving of a van not far from my room, the smell emitting from its exhaust, makes its way through the door, that I had opened just moments earlier to allow fresh air and sun in, it hit my nostril,s violently one of the few smells I can indeed smell and wished I couldn’t, . It smells vile and my already nauseous stomach flips and moans,… so despite the lovely day, I shut it out and sit on my bed getting myself ready to start my day…

One of the more pleasant aspects of my day , was talking to Jesse as he himself battles the good fight between sleep and waking, we listen to the news, this is an odd affair as we listen on his tv there in the US, via google duo and I find myself these days not only knowing more about American current affairs than British but actually enjoying the energy given off by the excellent newscasters, …we turn over the channel at points to hear the BBC on sky, it’s odd really because I never really enjoyed the news here, until now, ..I love the funny add,s for medications, diets, persil liquid detergent, I know more about American products than British on the whole and it can get confusing reverting back and forth …, Another highlight was talking to a mutual friend of ours via Facebook,

Well we tried anyhow, I found myself almost struck dumb as I rarely utter more than a few words to anyone other than Jesse, and this in itself is odd as he can’t shut me up, lol…But over the last 11 months I’ve spoke only to him really, not seeing anyone on a day to day basis, she must have thought it was like pulling teeth lol, I was laying down in my room in the dark other than my flickering fairy lights and two small candles, she would be now thinking I was having a rave all but from the lack of music of course, but despite it being over two years since we all spoke , even the wonders of the disconnecting face book and that bloody pinging sound we managed to enjoy a brief sojourn into socializing , two Americans and one Brit, time did little to dull our joy of one another’s company, and for a while Covid 19 was on the backburner for us all,

Odd to think , that this now days is our way of enjoying company , but for a while things were almost near normal, And laughter travelled the distanced and I was amongst friends and forgetting my pain ….