So for the last two weeks I’ve decided in, either my boredom or as I prefer infinite wisdom ( first option is the most like) to really improve my health by checking my diet, ( well it’s actually more like a healthy eating kick,,,, Salads , veggies, absolutely no bread( I’m a celiac for goodness sakes ,so that always should be out of bounds,, no sugar , definitely nothing that tastes anything remotely gorgeous or halfway decent,hereby I am i,m surprised to be saying doing okish , i have yet to fall off the proverbial wagon , (although there’s still time for this and i have felt myself needing to tighten the seatbelt a few times to keep me on from a soft landing, into a passing cake,

It’s great having a diet buddy with you 24/7 , it’s impossible to cheat even if one felt inclined, being together all the time prevents midnight snacks or crisps falling into my mouth , but I’ve made my mind up and there to an sticking to it, I have gained some weight, as have many of us long haulers, ( we are all unsure why , and considering not much stays in my stomach this is indeed hard to take, most I believe is fluid retention, most of us having very swollen legs and arms…, but I accept its not all, … I grown sick of looking at myself, and with this comes the avoidance of anything mirror which I hasten to add is not always possible😁 , nor can you shut your eyes each time you undress, kind of makes things difficult,. So after eating up most of what I had left in the freezer / fridge/ and cupboards, .this left me with that huge craving for fresh veg, Salads and healthier food in general.

So I’m going to use this to get me started on that right road to a new improved me, I’ve done this once before, March 2020 the bloody Covid struck and with it extra Lbs, …( A very unwanted free gift) But least wise I figure I do know what works for me , nothing’s totally lost right ?, …I buy slimming world dinners, which in my mind can’t possibly be good for you 😁they taste wonderful and fill my relentlessly hungry stomach, also have my salads and a freezer filled with vegetables, fruits I’m afraid limited, my only real weakness is coffee which I love with that nice ample spoon of honey . ( 😔, this too eventually will have to go , sighs

Anyway last Thursday I bought one of these vegetarian healthy meals, they looked ok, well as ok as you can tell from the packet, but then don’t they always ?, I should have learnt long ago to not for (1) shop hungry, …(2) most packets lieeeee!, But it was spaghetti Bolognese right? , how bad can it be?

Friday night I found out!!!!!!!, . I was hungry, after just a green salad for my lunch, I had spent that day I salivating, as I thought of a huge plate of rich ground veggie mince in thick tomato based sauce , covering a mound of comforting pasta, …I kept busy doing anything and every to occupy the mind off food, and my upcoming meal, finally that night it was time folks! …I pictured my meal and drooled,..I couldn’t wait another moment, …it’s hard enough waiting for the microwave , you know those endless minutes, that honestly do really feel like torturous hours , watching the plate turn around and around , until that longed for ping!…..and let me confess, I have never ever waited that extra minute, or two after, hell no (that’s just the manufacturer’s idea of fun in the instructions to torture the life outta you isn’t it?) It’s not truth I just know it! .

I happily took the long awaited meal out of the luminous dayglo green sleeve , And from there my dears it was all very rapidly down hill ( what’s up Treez your all now asking?) well let me tell you, firstly I looked down at at the portion size, I would not have been happy feeding this to a small very mouse( I am indeed a good eater, I love food) the sauce part being a very strange glowing orange colour, the pasta part looking like just several strands of tangled droopy insipid colourless yarn, I felt immediate disappointment, then darn like bursting into tears, I had looked forward to this thing!!!! all day, I had worked myself into a food frenzy, an orgy of food porn, a cacophony of cravings, it had not left my mind in fact all that very day , and now here I was left like a bride on her wedding night and no groom( don’t ask how I know how that feels).

But I thought ok , let’s not let first impression,s take over, maybe it’s indeed a very nice tasting tray of glow in the dark orange gloopy stuff that resembles doggy do!, I stabbed the plastic film viciously( I swear I heard the physco music) put it in the micro and slammed the door purposely, that thing once nuked may have escaped and attacked me. I went back into my bedroom , figured this should be a safe distance if it mutated, exploded or grabbed me by the throat, And I’m still not sure if I was happy to hear that ding or just plain afraid 😨, but I returned to the crime scene,( I mean kitchen to find it hadn’t grown legs or started making its way out by itself,

I plated up the Orange Brown mess and stabbed it soundly to be sure of its actual demise, I swear this thing moved of its own volition, no it did . I took that first dubious mouthful and can honestly say it tasted exactly as it looked , it was vile, …..not to waste it or be thwarted I added , tomato sauce, Worcestershire sauce, pepper , any thing that I had left in my cupboards in the vain hope it may improve this molten steaming mess upon the plate before my eyes, ….even the pasta section of this vile ensemble, did no more than resemble real honest to goodness noodles, it had a taste I can only describe as like licking wood chip wallpaper,( yes I have done this😳,

I ate the glutinous mess, mainly before it ate me, but as I did I had dark thoughts of its revenge the very next day, And I didnt in fact have long to wait either, this my dears is a cautionary tale of what looks to good to be true , is indeed a pasta vegetarian dish and to be avoided at all costs or served wearing goggles, haz mat clothing and paramedics on standby, I’ve eaten a few micro meals over the years but this seriously was indeed the award winning worst, …..maybe that’s why it’s healthy , it’s so bad you can’t or won’t eat it and lose weight ……got it 😁, whatever you have planned for your evening meal folks may your palates be sated and your stomachs filled, stay safe out there and take care xx

Since the past week, came and left without so much as fizzle never mind an actual bang!!!,Really it has been one very strange week, ….Sleep being that still ever illusive creature, that I’m convinced the whole world enjoys except me, I believe if I had ever got round to count sheep as often as I’ve been directed while laying awake, I think not only would i be on New Zealand,s or even Australia,s woolie population by now but Peru,s Alpaca population, I mainly give up trying nights now and watch Britbox, listen to music or both some occasions, we were watching The coroner this week, well I kind of indulged ,while Jesse slept a while, laying listening to songs that I had freshly downloaded, I slowly drifted in and out of a restless sleep for a few minutes at a time, it got a bit spooky when I awoke suddenly ,there was a character lying dead and Bruce Springsteen sang away in my ear oooooooh ohhhhhh ohhhhhh I’m on fire!!!!!!, for the briefest of moments I thought it had turned into some Macabre musical….on fully waking I remembered though …..

Until this morning I hadn’t bought any groceries for over two weeks,opting to use food I already had in my stores, I’ve become quite used to strange and new ways of using up things in my freezer or cupboards, last night,s delectation was a slimming world Lasagna, which I can’t even remember buying now , could it possibly have been a carry over from the lady who owned the freezer previously, ( didn’t know and if honest it was food so really didn’t care) but in any case it was hot , tasted okish for one of those diet microwave cardboard meal,s, .least wise you could eat it anyway ….I broke down late last night or early this morning ( I’m unsure anymore ) but I craved fresh green crisp salad, I could taste the crunchy leaves, peppery Rocket, sweet Gem, Spinach , Cos and strands of carrot, beetroot. my mouth watered at it,s mere thought, I’m not ashamed to say I caved into its seductive call,(I know only I can be seduced by a bloody lettuce leaf) ….I hurriedly ordered four big bags of salad leaves, tomatoes, carrots,beet,s, tiny garden peas, peppers and bananas , Anything remotely green, remotely fresh, when in my basket before I had time to rethink.

While there though I also ordered a small Gammon joint to make Bacon and pea soup, plus some fresh chicken, ……I had missed fresh food so much , everything being of the microwave persuasion, tinned or packets , when sleep allowed ,I had actually dreamt of big containers of every kind of salad leaf you could imagine, but it was always just out of reach , oh yes it was salad porn and I awoke hot sticky, left weak willed n wanting…..so I feel no shame, or regret at my giving in to temptation despite having enough food in for another week(with yet more inventiveness that is), I arranged for it to come at 6 am!!!, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the bags and tear each pack open and feast on its goodness, ( plus it was the only delivery available others being much later or the next day, I was NOT!!!! Waiting another moment than necessary)……I had just dozed off and it was indeed morning and I was still picturing that day,s repast to come, oh sweet sweet salad of mine !!!!!! ……

As I lay in the no man’s land of sleep and semi comatose , I dreamt I heard a loud banging sound, Firstly thinking it was on the program we had left on, or Jesse moving about, I snuggled further down covering my head with my fleece blankets, but no there it was again!!!! , but this time only louder and more urgent, with a purpose, …..it finally penetrated my sleepy muzzy head, without thought , I clambered out of my bed still rubbing my gritty eyes to investigate, Was Cinnamon ok?( My house bun) Bunny,s thump their hind legs to warn their Warren of any imminent danger, was the house on fire? , had the log burner self combusted , burst into flames( with my luck this was and indeed is possible , I could never get it to light for me but burst in flames, yeah I could see that !!!, no matter I was going to find the cause of being rudely awakened) …..as I walked out into my living room , the cold laminated floor sent shocks through my bare feet, waking me up totally from any remaining sleep that was clinging bravely to my mind, I looked up to see a dark silhouette outlined at my front door, still rubbing sleep, and dare I say any vestige of last night’s make_ up from my eyes, . I was greeted by a far too cheerful Iceland delivery man for half past night time, ok 6 am.., I think I grunted some form of greeting at him, well I could have.., one can never be sure. Taking the proffered bags , I thanked him, wished him a good night ( he looked at me quizzicaly as i shut the door quickly, leaving behind it a very bemused chap and the cold out there with him , I’m only so glad, I had out pj,s on and hadnt gone to bed in vest and knickers as usual. (I have answered half asleep like this before)

I put away my precious cargo of green leafy heaven, and while doing so made myself a huge mug of steaming coffee to warm myself up from the dawn’s chilly air., As I walked back into my room I fully expected Jesse to still be asleep, But the knocking had even stirred him, he sat his eyes half open trying to peer on his phone for emails, …..with coffee safely perched on my bedside cabinet, I clambered back under the nest of still warm blankets . I tried hard to let sleep over take me, but despite my best efforts it wasn’t to be,

I gave up showered , dressed and got ready for the day to begin, after cleaning out my bunny, making sure the kitchen was tidy , I sat and relaxed a while playing my games , but I tired of this soon enough and wondered what mischief I could find to get myself into, Sun’s rays warmed my room and spring has been calling me out to play for days now, Dressed just as I was ,( huge baggy shirt, legging,s I decided to go before I could talk myself out of it) I hurriedly shoved on my shoes, grabbed my wallet and keys, And began to stroll down to the Lidl , it’s only about five minutes from my home, Buds are appearing on trees and shrubs, Daffodils trumpeted in the coming of a new season, life is begining again( and I had be blissfully unaware), my eyes that have barely seen the outside in a year, now drank in hungrily everything around me.

I made it to Lidl , ( nothing remarkable your thinking, but it was for me, since the long haul Covid, symptoms have taken its toll on my health, with it away any fitness I had, again nothing remarkable, but just two years previous, I had gone from virtual cripple too much pain to move , to a long long journey of losing 50lbs and walking upwards of six miles daily, I had built it up over many months of exceptional hard work, now move to where I am today , the struggle badly to catch my breath, walk for five minutes, or be without seeing distance of a bathroom.

On making it though , I decided to go in to buy some newspapers, one… so I could read them , two..for Cinnamon,s cage..I put on my mask first , the heat greeted me as I walked through the doors, it was busy , noisy and I found it difficult to be around so many people, it really was a huge shock to my system , all in used to us seeing the odd delivery driver weekly, ( but not even that in too weeks) I wasn’t panicky , but felt odd …..But then In two years I’ve lived alone , with only Jesse to keep me sane ,( his finding it a struggle LOL ) . It’s ok this self isolation malarkey but it’s sure a culture shock ,when I leave my bungalow island , there’s people everywhere yah know 😲😲😲😲😲,

It’s a very rare rare thing when I can say it’s a Tuesday and I’ve not done a thing food shopping wise online, this is my second week, so far I’ve survived ok…., I hunt down odd scraps of food at the back of the freezer ,fridge or food cupboard, ….last night I found a box of battered frozen fish lurking suspiciously , I dragged it out of its hiding place,( ready to kill it if need,s be) but when I poked it at a distance with a fork, there I ascertained it was indeed very dead, i slapped it on my foil lined baking tray and waited twenty minutes while it cooked, I was unsure how old the fish was and couldn’t actually remember when I bought if I’m truthful, ( but it was frozen still, sort of )(and not glowing luminous green) so I shrugged my shoulders and hoped for the best,

This my friends is one dangerous game ( do not try this at home) specially if your stomachs like mine( I pray no one’s anywhere is like mine though) …it cooked, smelt ok ( this being the age old method of testing of course) ,( here,s a little thought, can you imagine cave men walking up to dinosaurs legs sniffing them before their kill, don’t think that would end well 😁, ( I add my fish to some plain rice , spinach and a wilted bowing spring onion I gathered from my cupboard then settle down to eat it! ( all be it a tad nervously) ….for Dessert we had an apple, (by the saying of we I’m not getting all posh on you) I mean myself and my Desert island bunny buddy, he never lets me eat alone, that said, it’s a good job his vegetarian because I think even he would have given the fish course a miss…

Earlier today I had a Narn bread I was given weeks ago, I dripped a few drops of water on it, threw it in the microwave for a few seconds and it was soft again and like new, I made a dip of Greek yogurt, mint, I would like to say finely chopped cucumber but it was just chunks , (I’m dangerous with sharp objects , . This was a tasty lunch and kept the hunger at bay, I washed it down with two large mugs of hot coffee was happily full,

I’m not sure how long I will be content with my isolation on Bungalow island and indeed more importantly how long my food, milk, coffee and sparkling water supplies are going to hold out,. already I’ve noticed that things are looking rather sparse, That said Cinnamon has enough food to feed a large bunny colony, including treats ….( But for now it’s an interesting experience and maybe one day of some great scientific interest lol) who knows, I struggle at times with the loneliness, especially late at night, it’s quiet , well kind of, except for my elderly neighbour who tends to bang about next door , ( at one stage I was convinced he was building a staircase to the non existent upstairs, but this is just the way my sleep deprived brain works right, maybe it’s a space Rocket ?) but apart from him, the odd fighting cat , sounds of traffic it’s spookily quiet, and with that hush my mind runs free, ( I mean it’s always been a bit wild, a handful and I’ve had to chase after it on the odd occasions, but in the deathly quiet darkness, just you and the many room,s of your mind for company, it’s one very long night,

I’ve decided to be proactive though, and over the last few days I’ve scrawled a kind of garden map as to where I’m going to plant out some flowers, more important though fruit and veggies, ( ok I wouldn’t win any awards for architecture or road mapping, .it looks like some lines with circles, names like sticky half dead bush, large freaky prickly bush thing, Bush thing with a bud on , very dead tree plant,,. Not sure yet wether to break out my crayons and pencils and colour it in , but for now this seems above my head and way too ambitious, …Jesse bought me some Green beans seeds called lady Di, plus for the sheer novelty factor these climbing purple beans, the green ones do come with instructions at least, where as the puple seeds it’s all going to be guess work, good job I know some about gardening, (like you have to dig holes and plant things and which way up the go, but first grow them in small pots) I can do this right?,

I intend to grow strawberries, herbs, anything basically I can acquire the seeds for, it’s hard at the moment , what with Covid and lockdown . I’m nothing if not stubborn and will find a way , tonight,s supper will be pea and ham soup , not so sure how much ham is in this , but yes it’s certainly pea green, kind of like pond algae , moves like it too funny enough, but I shall be fed until bedtime ,where hopefully my night mares will be replaced by dreams of large slices of rampent cream cake, scones, iced buns, or generously topped cheese cake….sighs …anyway take care my friends and stay safe out there xx

It’s approximately 4:46 am, and I venture to say it’s Sunday and here lay again wide awake , while the rest of world sleeps soundly, I’m writing this , . Debating with myself wether I want to go to the effort of making a coffee, so far it’s an even debate, 50/50 for and against, And while I whittle away at the hours of darkness , Britbox playing merrily away to itself on my tablet, sitting proudly on its platform I went to great lengths to make , it’s a very specialized affair you know?, ..ok it’s An unpainted canvas perched across an open bedside cabinet drawer ,it kind of works and off course can disappear during the day , my rooms compact and every thing in it must have at least two purposes , even the full length mirror works as a card holder, it’s at the moment home for the two cards my daughter made and the one Jesse sent me for Valentine’s day, ( I can’t bring myself to put them away yet , much like the semi deflated balloon that may be just a bit wrinkled, going down rather rapidly but it still sits up in one corner of my ceiling, almost like a guard, it stands in those brief moments I may actually drift off in a nightmare fever filled haze of restless sleep, …

I normally come up with some unoriginal title or another for these wee missives of mine by now, but this one could well and up title_ less ( is that even a word)?, Here we go again another question that will go round and round till dawn, ( I may well break down and Google this) (( Hey Google has began ignoring me you know, worn her out) ,Anyway I’ve something i,m very excited about, if you’ve managed to make it through other messages of great doctrine importance, I’ve written, (or blogs to the rest of us mere mortals,) you will know how I’ve mentioned in more than a few lines on the odd occasion( ok whole paragraphs) about me and my little Amazon habit and how I’ve longed to go cold Turkey, (break myself of this) ( mmmm Turkey) ( food being yet another weakness)….I’ve tried in the past weeks and failed miserably, (shopping in general being another thing of mine) well folks i,m officially over well over that first week ) its 7 days , 5 hours and 33 minutes since my last purchase ..( More by the time I publish)

And not only can I proudly boast this, but I’ve not bought any food shopping either, everything i,m eating was already here in my stocked cupboard, I’ve eaten some very peculiar concoction,s, but to this end I’m kept fed( who knew, raw spinach, Pastrami, and yogurt dressing was a thing, tastes really good in a wrap folks honest give it a try) or there’s ready brek, ( kind of instant micro porridge ) with which I add sultana,s and a blob of raspberry jam, (this is delicious and not only that its so filling) ( I find I don’t need to eat for hours after), I have apples , ( although getting a whole one never happens, my house bun companion insists on his share , he loves pink lady apples best, although a Granny Smith isn’t to be sniffed at and most acceptable, ( I’m thinking maybe trying a red delicious variety, next in the vain hope I may yet eat the whole apple) it’s got to the point I think they grow in halves, . Wouldn’t mind myself and Jesse made sure Cinnamon has a well stocked larder, there’s every kind of dried herb, fruit, grass a bunny could dream of, but still I’m haunted for my meager rations, I’ve tried creeping on tip toe , but the second I go near the fridge or fruit bowl ,his up on his cute hind legs, head slightly tilted and like all animals without a word spoken, I hear ” oh your having food, what a marvelous idea I’m in need of a slight repast ” ” his a very well spoken rabbit you know” LOL

I feel quite like a modern day Robinson Crusoe here alone on my little bungalow island, not seeing or hearing a soul, unless I go into my back garden to hang out the wash to dry(or rain chicken as I like to call it, a novel little game for these climates( here in England we have six weather conditions an hour ) ,anyway the games where you leave out your newly sweet scented laundered clothes for as long as possible before the heavens open, not for the faint hearted) this is made extra fun as I now have to use the conservatory door, instead of my bedroom door, ( further located and allows for the rain to win ( no fair advantage ) ( but yesterday I won, I got three lines dry, ( crowd roars and cheers, id do a lap of honor but that may involved the paramedics after) As I begin to peg( pegs for our young folks amongst us being an ancient clothes attachment thingy for washing lines before dryers were born) out on my line,s of brightly coloured undies ( almost like XL bunting ) to blowing like sails in the breeze( I’m now praying they don’t shoot off the line make for freedom and end up on an unwitting passing horrified neighbours windowscreen as they drive by, ( swear my bloomers will block the whole screen and most of the car). anyway its one of the few times I hear real human people,s voices , that do not exist in tv land, ( not now seeing my little Amazon driver , or Iceland, Asda, Morrison’s drivers,( food delivery) (also my only concession to socializing) I’ve never seen our postperson ( post magically appearing around noon)( shoved rapidly through my post box) so oft there’s weeks I see no one.

Jesse has bought me some beans and tomato seed,s today that I may begin planting up my island( mean bungalow garden) the garden like my house is tiny , I’m not sure I can become self sufficient lol, but hey I can at least achieve the odd green bean to grace my plate, or cherry tomato for spinach salad, thinking of buying some fruit bushes, ok maybe the odd strawberry plant, ( you can get white strawberries now) I’m having to wait for those till I have my Shop thing in hand, one thing I have actually had fun doing, is filling my Amazon basket with plants and emptying it again, ( I know, but it kind of gives me a fix, I’ve done this at least three times daily, there is a point to this though , I will end up with only plants I really need, She says lol, …..

It’s now 4:20 pm and after just two hours of very fractured sleep i,m not even slightly tired, ( could be the coffee) the cold wash I was treated too, or just the memory of another nightmare haunting my day, whichever I’m here not even a nap in sight, sun shining through my broken patio door and my mind giving me a thousand orders a minute, ( you know you could be breaking up those Amazon boxes, ( from previous Amazon fixes), Maybe get that freaky hoover out and run it about , don’t ask I swear that thing hates me, ( no it does) ….pull some weeds out of the garden, but no I lay here drinking gallon mugs of hot delicious coffee …..it seems infinitely more preferable, as I do i think on about my earlier venture to wash up, I took in my clean clothes , and as I went to put on clean undies , I kid thee not two moths flew out of my pants, 😮, I think this sums up my life right now folks, I will now spend the afternoon wondering what the hell were they doing in there, ? Don’t think I care to dwell …..anyway enough from me , take care of yourselves and be careful out there 💗xx

So it’s Wednesday, well that’s is at least what I’m led to believe, and I only know this due to how crazy my days are panning out thus far, but mostly I believe it’s Wednesday with a touch of Friday, maybe a wee bit of Saturday just for good measure, you,’ll have to excuse me see it’s been one of those weeks, in fact it’s been one of those weeks since monday( sure your all nodding right now , because you all know the ones right?) ….it’s my monthly long haul every symptom come out to play time, . There’s me thinking I am passed the age of monthly things, but every month without fail since March 2020, I end up feeling like I’ve flu, throw in an explosive stomach, fevers, headaches of the like,And I,m begging every god for the return of my old days of migraines , ( And I dreaded those ) . Rashes that have me rolling and rubbing my back up my bed like some flea ridden mutt , it’s joyful,

I took ownership of Cinnamon bun,s( my house bunny) new palatial mansion monday, it’s a sight to behold, ( I had this built specifically to his highness,s wants and needs) and no finer finish for man or bunny you’ve ever to see , I swear it looks good enough to be a piece of furniture, Same day i went out as usual to feed my birds only for the back door to decide it wasn’t going to shut , there I am pleading with it to co operate, cajoling, sweet talking , this damn stubborn door , I only wanted it to listen to my heart felt plea, to close!! It’s not difficult. , in the end I resorted to words of a whole different language, this also would not persuade the stubborn article to shut,( voice raised arms waving i,m getting excitable , higher pitch to my voice) Jesse is sat in phone land shaking his head,and by now wondering who in the heck I’m talking to, but his not surprised when I tell him I’m talking to the door, poor man doesn’t blink an eye, he has got quite used to my talking to anything that will listen, especially things that have no choice , like inanimate objects, pets,my tablet, flys etc, I had to lift it up the door in the end and close it at the same time, onto a winning streak, I locked it hurriedly before it changed its mind , I half expecting to turn my back, to find it grinning at me mischievously and completely broken off laying on the bloody floor, the wind , hail and rain pouring in., I’ve no clue what,s occurred as up until then it has always worked perfectly well, but like I feel some days the older one gets bit,s have a habit of falling off.

I hoped upon hope next day that it had been just a one off thing, fluke, but as I gingerly opened it, the hope died and again I had to lift and pull to shut, I’ve decided the birds are just going to have to wait to be fed, I’m not , and I mean it , I’m not going out there, ! .the birds have since set up a dirty protest, I hear something akin to second world war fighter pilot,s call out, “Going over target,s now ” ” target at six o’clock release, open bomb bay doors” “Roger , Wilko over and out” wished the two Tom cats had been out there fighting at the time….( But no they wait till it’s night) And that’s another thing that crossed my mind as I lay awake, you know one those questions that refuse to leave you alone in the early hours?. Well mine is ,why do cats wait till it’s pitch black, dead of night, no sound what so ever, to do that blood curdling cross between a baby gurgling and me trying to singing opera , it’s an awful sound( and the cats) but it fills the night air and spooks the hell out of you….

To top this off, I ripped off my toe nail in bed that night, it’s completely gone, and I only stretched on wakibg, it caught on a blanket ,and well there was a bloodbath, this is so me, as a child I constantly had cuts , grazes and bruises. that was yesterday, today, your not going to believe it, I’ve broken the same toe, ….I went to light the wood burner and slammed the toe hard against the surrounding wood , there was a crunch , I felt sick and there we go, ….then we had the flush over flushing on the toilet, don’t ask about the plumber, but I really feel I would have had every right to hide under the covers this week until it was over, it is nearly over right?!!!!!

But on the up side I can proudly announce I’ve not done any shopping on Amazon since last Sunday , I’ve been tempted, filled my basket numerous times only to empty it, I’ve not done any food shopping either this is a record and I’m after at least another week on Amazon , food shop I may break down and do, but if the week carries onto next week , I may well crack, will let you know …take care all and be careful out there x

Yah know the good thing about burning the candle at both ends, you pretty soon learn how to do it without burning your fingers…( Neat trick ) ….I lay awake the whole night again, just me and my rabbit waiting out the hours, listening to howling winds , lashing rain up the windows, until the very first lines of azure blue break through the darkness, Rabbits you know are remarkable watch dogs, firstly as you are aware they have the ears for it lol, Secondly when they hear any strange noises or something different ,they thump the earth in their tunnel to warn fellow bunnies, ( well Cinnamon being in his bedroom that has a solid plastic flooring which when he thumps reverberate,s throughout my house, I swear the whole of the county hear it, the other good thing is bunnies are nocturnal, ( maybe I’m part bunny? 🐇)

Today even the morning light bought little relief, and so began the many treks to the kitchen to fill my trusty red kettle , then for the waiting for it to boil begins, it’s a sly devil (I tell you it actually hates me, no it does !!! ) if I stand there waiting for it to boil and need a bathroom visit badly , that thing sits there grining taking forever, yet if I put it on and walk away( even for a second) it’s done and goes cold, it’s a conspiracy I know it, through out my night time vigil I watched half of britbox varied selection, starting with my favourite, cops whose name I never can spell let alone pronounce, (but here goes, don’t say I don’t do anything for you, Delziel and Pascoe) the episode we selected, I think was ripe for a drinking game, nearly every line had the word Ball,s!!!!!!! in it, ( just glad I wasn’t drinking coffee for every mention, one more and my poor red kettle would blow a blooming fuse , and two I know my ceiling needs a good paint without me needing peeling from it, ( but it made me chuckle along and I forget my troubles a wee while.

Midsummer Murders, White queen, Shetland followed in quick succession as did more coffee, in the end even Cinnamon began giving me the evil eye, the light went off and on that frequently ,think my neighbours must have thought between that and the constant drift of smoke from the log burner I was trying to communicate with either Morse code or smoke signal, I placated an irate cinnamon with a slice of Apple and some spinach before going back to my room, Jesse still asleeping soundly in phone land never disturbed thank goodness.

I gave up at 6 am, trying to catch any Zs, they were more elusive throughout the night, than flowers from an ex, ..so I got up, showered, the caffine by now verily sloshing away in my veins, and at six thirty I’m giving my 70 year old neighbour a very loud rendition not so true version of Relax by Frankie ….I swear my bodies only just realised I’ve stopped swaying to my poor execution of said song and ceased its jiggling, (if their was any huge numbers on the Richter scale, I do humbly apologize to all,

I dressed in clean fleecy pjs, retrieved my bin that had broken free and taken itself off for a morning stroll in the breeze, (I say breeze lightly like we do here, it’s actually more of an angry gale out there,) I just got in the door when the heavens opened and rain beat the windows mercilessly ,(quite like a Madame whiplash cracking her whip joyfully), it sounds almost like a dull roar upon the conservatory roof, but I always enjoy that sound, it’s strange but as loud as it is, it hush,s my over sensitive nerves and I then go about cleaning my kitchen molified , calm,. kettle quietly bubbly, washing machine fills, and cinnamon munches on dried herbs, I sigh to myself knowing , I survived intruders, fevers, galloping diarrhea , my minds best endeavors to un_nerve me and another sleepless night,, I celebrate with yet another large coffee and another hour of the bountiful Britbox !!!!!!.

While out on the kitchen , I saw two eggs that I had been meaning to eat all last week and didn’t quite fancy!!!, ( I still don’t !!!!) .hating waste I scramble the eggs via my matching red microwave to give to the birds, Yes you can stop looking horrified, sweet cute little birdies really are raving cannibals, their cuteness just hides their true inner selves, .I add to this a selection of fruit, bread, seed, lettuce, and they are having a better diet than most humans, …I go out into the howling wind just to feed my starving feathered friends, (she has the morning food boys, news loudly hits the air as soon as I walk out the door , from the large tree a few doors down, And they flock to gather, quite literally sorting out their pecking order as I fill their feeders , I feel I’m being supervised now! ( and I wonder am I doing this correctly as they stare on, or are they sizing me up 😬

It’s only as I’m filling the feeders , that I realise mud is begining to sqelch freezingly up between my once showered toes, ( yet again I walked out in my normal bare foot, fashion ,( oh well), …. After rolling up my pj bottoms and showering mucky feet, I lay watching my birds feast, the early March sun breaking through to warm my room, my peace , only finally disturbed by the Amazon driver who now has become so familiar, I’m thinking of asking him to give me away when myself and Jesse marry, …he smiles hands me my parcel, and that my dears is the extent of my peopling for a Friday , ( today’s delivery another huge sod off padlock and hasp and staple for securing my shed( it’s only full of half dead boxes, but their my boxes so there!!!!) it’s a tiny little box compared to the huge thing I was given monday, That box being nearly as big as this bedroom, ( it’s contents my latest addition,s to my knickers collection, (yeah I know , sighs, just can’t help myself, ….But( no pun intended) on reflection i,m now wondering should I actually feel insulted,???? (what is Amazon saying about the size of my drawers, ? No do not answer that on a postcard !!!!, …..stay safe my friends and be careful out there xx

So as we all now know, I’m at best a light sleeper, ( that’s of course when it see,s fit to happen at all, ….Every nnight our routine is to put something on Britbox to watch till we both fall into a stouper and z,s fill the air both sides of the pond. The night before I had been extremely restless, ( mainly due to the fact my garden had been broken into at some point the night before) And with my history, i was too nervous to settle ( I’ve programmed myself to hear every little sound) nothing falls under my radar ears, (comes from being a mum at one time who had little ones to listen for) Even when morning came I was far too anxious to sleep, what sleep I did manage was at best in slots of ten minute intervals, which is exhausting and I find if I’m honest worse than nothing ….So last night I lay awake after an initial half hour doze,

It was super windy here and I heard loud bangs and crashes throughout the night,,,for someone with my history , living alone this is terrifying, I can’t begin to describe what goes through ones head, every little sound, set off sparks of additional adrenaline zinging through my vains, my nerves such, I could hear my heart race, I’m jumping out my skin, every kind of emotion runs one after the other, my PTSD mind loves to play it’s games,All I want is to curl into a ball and cry, I’m deeply upset, scared and also angry, ……it’s a reminder of the damage done to someone when they have suffered abuse, I hate the feeling of my weakness, that vulnerability,

I’ve always been a tom boy kinder person you see, I have dragged myself out of some pretty dangerous spots, I rode trail bikes on mud tracks without a care for my safety, took onboard abused horses that were left so mentally scared they would lash out at anyone, nothing ever frightened me, So this I hate, this is foreign territory, and I don’t know how to deal with it, …my instinct is the same as always now, I’m hurting , I’m afraid , and like most animals backed into a corner , I come out snapping , I won’t let anyone comfort me , talk about what’s happening, it’s a reflex ,knee jerk reaction, one that in my past helped me survive, i,m waiting for those I love to turn on me too, so I don’t let them in, I withdraw, hide in those deep dark catacombs of my head to wait it out, Jesse knows the drill now, his seen me retreat within myself too many times, he never takes offence, and has learnt to wait till I’m ready to share….I can’t explain this fear that eats at me, that strips away the humour with which I normally see my life, ( another survival thing I believe)that new found vim and vigour his helped me find slowly over the years just vanishes , that spirit I once took for granted was slowly growing and returning ……all these emotions run raw and are tiring on that of a healthy body, on one that spikes fevers nightly from Covid long hauling, it depletes and leaves me trying to run on empty , feeling ill…..

I lay in my bed for the longest time this morning, too exhausted and wrung out to speak even, I had in fact I think slept a while at day break, but even my dreams were haunted and disturbed., after an hour of staring off into the distance, going to the bathroom forced me to move, while there I showered , dressed and decided to tackle taking out the trash, ….when I did, I couldn’t help but wished I hadn’t ,

A largish section of the perimeter fence was down, instantly , adrenaline serges and I’m shaking , I cannot control the quakes that hit , . The fence had been neatly laid one section ontop of the other, this was outside my Garden , And I did no more than try to prop up the pieces to try to fill in the gap, it was useless but instinct wanted me to secure my surroundings, do something, anything, again anger reared its ugly head( and folks I hate this emotion , it does nothing for me, doesn’t serve any purpose) but I’m angry I never learnt any DIY skill, I’ve no clue how to repair fences and that really messes with my head, ( never being allowed near power tools, or actually so much as a screw driver, where does one start. But I did what I could, then one of those fabulous coincidence,s happen, two lovely folks I met through getting Cinnamon his own custom built domain made, got in touch out of the blue,

Firstly I think In my same old pattern, ( I will be a bother, I couldn’t possibly ask them for help, I barely know them right?,maybe it’s asking too much) I battle this out in my head, conflicting arguments take hold for half hour, then I take the bloody plunge and just ask?, I hate it, I feel useless, a burden , but I also knew I couldn’t face one more night unsecured, I felt violated enough, I needed help, And did that rarest of things and reach out to someone via text , And bless their hearts within the hour, not only the husband arrived , power tools to the rescue!!!! , but his wife, think she knew from my garbled text I would feel better with her added presence,

It was a quick neat job and my fence is most likely up more secure than ever and the best bit was I met two amazing people, life gave me one set of skills , that was how to survive , tell my who to be aware of , it never taught me how to reach out and accept help, to indeed just hold my breathe and trust, … This is yet another skill to learn ….take care folks and be careful out there xx

My names Theresa it’s been four days since my last confession, I think !!!,( Im not sure that I’ve not mixed up the confession box, with too much of the adult juice box, but I believe you get my drift…..I tried really hard( honest) to stay away from the Amazon lure( that’s the Amazon online shop not to be confused Amazon Basin of course) and indeed shopping in general,…But I’m here to confess to my weaknesses,, ( it went all down hill faster than me getting to a bake sale with free cake,s for the first five people). It started with rabbit shopping,, Hair dye and if course a tablet case, so now I’m fighting off badly all their other proffered up products and goodies, they have this magical habit of popping up on my email daily, so you see it’s really not my fault , ( I mean who doesn’t need a clean two speed hand held go faster bidet, A 300 strand of copper wired flashing fairy lights with eight functions, or indeed a life time supply of one’s favourite coffee,

In Theresa land, I see this working out perfectly well for me, to the point I could maybe take my coffee machine into the bathroom, wrap the fairy lights around the non existent bathroom mirror, and Bidet to my little hearts content, (This then could of course also lead to other buying opportunities, .. course I will need a bathroom mirror, an extension cord, few rugs, New blind …….etc etc( oh yes this could be wonderful , I can see it all now…, ..flashing lights, add some music, my neighbour,s will come for miles, calling to join in my rave either that or planes will land in my tiny garden !!!!!..But on a more serious note, I do know I have to get this under control, it’s not easy when your stuck in the house all day every day, Jesse and Cinnamon rabbit try their best to keep me entertained, that not being easy for either , as Jesse works long hours, plus his running out of one liners, his also walked about with one of my bra,s on his head so often now to amuse me, his Neighbour,s think it’s a new Covid protection item, !!, Cinnamon has tried everything from flinging about his cardboard kitchen roll tube, to playing bowls with his poops, ( his getting quite good at it funny enough

Poetry writing being harder to gather inspiration for, I don’t go out to commune with mother nature,Also there’s not much romance to be had in reconciliation of clients books, or who woke feeling less aches and pains that morning as we awoke, (Although there were a few tender moment,s, from our Friday date night Candlelit supper , consisting of an all the meats pizza and tater tots, that was indeed quite touching plus tasty, ….so what to do about my addiction, it has to go , I have to indeed pull up my big girl woman’s boy shorts ( I love those ladies , they are so comfy and the best value at the moment, in such a range of colors arghhhhhhh!!!!) Each day I wake with good intentions, only for them to be scuppered at the last , (new Solar lit fence …..

I swear sometimes the universe is working against me here! , I woke earlyish, while Jesse slumbered on, looking across at my newly purchased box of Auburn glow hair dye, the woman on the box, (grinning at me with that all to knowing secretive sickeningly beautiful smile)( she knows what I’m about to put myself through in the name of vanity and red Auburn glow hair) , her hair is perfect, make up also impeccably applied, And here I’m sat in my almost shell shocked state, looking like the cats rejected catch of the day, that’s how I feel too, .no not quite at deaths door yet, but im knocking at the bloody thresh hold, . I know I should take this opportunity while Jesse sleeps to dye my hair, ( I say I know I should, but my minds doing a marvelous job of talking me out of it as fast as the thought occurred) ” yah know Treez your expecting an Amazon delivery, the minute you put on the stinky hair gunk, they WILL!!!! turn up, ” . I envision now my normal little driver , who already hands me my stuff dubiously, shoving my parcel in my hand and taking off down the path almost wetting himself with laughter. I tell myself that,s ok and I’m not that worried what he thinks really, ( the guy already see,s me most times with my makeup from the night before , gradually sliding down my face, ..I then worry will Jesse wake?, ( I can here his laughter already) , me dying my hair is indeed something to behold, as I manage to get dye everywhere and anywhere , my shirt, face, neck, door frames, shower glass, towel,s, even Murphy our white boxer once, I’m successful at dying my whole house, and yet managing to get my hair Looking like a stray manly tabby cat….

I scold myself into taking the plunge, but before hand, I pour myself a large coffee., coffee is much needed to prime oneself, .then I go sit on my bed and open my box of tricks, there in the box is two tubes, a bottle half filled with white gunk, and a pair of cheap ill fitting plastic gloves, I hate these things, for .1. they always remind me of ermmmmm ( shudders), intimate ladies examination,s, ( And that too cheerful doctor who insists on chatting away , telling you to relax Dear!!!, as his pulling in his gloves with a snap each finger, and staring with a miners lamp attached to his fore head at your Delilah ) 2. I have always had to fight with said gloves, it feels like Ive put them on the wrong hand every time, even if I try them on both, ( shakes head)..conclusion of the day I have mutant hands….( Well I must ) ….. I always put the dreaded gloves to one side, using forefinger and thumb gingerly until I’ve mixed Gunk A tube into Gunk B bottle and shake shake shake !!!! Like some odd alien cocktail ….

This achieved I put on the offensive plastic gloves(ewwwwww), (you have to blow into them first it’s the law) …..I then set about rubbing the alien gunk into my hair , it’s vile, stinks of something, but I’m not game enough to label it, ( And apparently according to the box (this is the new improved pleasant smelling version) I would scowl at the box, but my eyes are watering too, much to focus and my nose hair falling burnt on the bed) …And after much ado, And one ear permanently cocked listening for my love to wake, I managed to have covered my hair, t shirt, bed, coffee cup, tablet and phone,!! ………then the dreaded wait, now this is a conundrum folks, does the allotted time to wait, start as you apply orrrrrr after you finish,? they have never say do they?,

I sit on my bed drinking my fast going cold coffee, cold gunk dripping it’s brown ouse down my back, playing a game on my tablet for distraction, my poor head itching and I long to scratch the tingling mess, and look abiut for something, anything, I hav,nt already covered yet, to scratch that damn infernal itch, I settle for my pink mechanical pencil( as I do I nod profoundly, huh that will teach it for being bloody pink, now it’s pink with lovely Auburn overtones) I complete three levels of my matching coloured shapes game , it,s syrupy friendly voice telling me how , wonderfully , spiffing and Marvelous I am . ( sitting here with plasma, brown ouse making its way dripping down my nose, smelling out my bedroom i,m not in the mood to believe it.

It’s time to wash off the offending mess, ( have you noticed, it’s always harder to get that muck rinsed out than it is to apply, …..it feels like some form of water torture, ( I’m ready to confess to anything ,just get this off me)…And it goes everywhere, in my ears, eyes , mouth and what remains of my t shirt , …..finally i,m rinsed, (now if I could just use the spin cycle too dry off a bit, that would be a help) , I grab anything to hand to wipe my eyes ,( that are by now stinging like I’ve rubbed raw peppers in them vigorously, ….it’s a dry wash cloth, but I’m no longer fussy, it works, ( water drips in fat splodges across my floor, but right now I don’t flipping care, it’s over, the battle of the hair dye and myself commenced, I took it on , not sure who won, but I sigh exhaustedly , wrap my hair in a towel, drink what’s now a freezing quarter cup of coffee , get my breathe back before I begin to go round rescuing objects from brown goo with my lemon fresh wipes.

I wash , do my make up , change fast changing from black to dog poop brown t shirt, spray myself with perfume and ok I don’t look anything like the perfect model on the box, and with my hair drying fast, ( I think I’ve covered about 60% , the rest well with so ingenuity and my bumper cap it will be fine right?????, I check my delivery time, ( to see if I’ve made it in time) to only find, it’s not coming in fact today but tomorrow) ( oh well tomorrow is another day) so for today I’m left with another major decision , a dilemma of world proportions, you see now I have thanks to to joys of comfy Ruxia knickers become collector , they come in different colours which doesn’t help, but at the early days of my collecting , I designated a drawer specifically, ( a drawer,s drawer, bloomer box, shorts section) here the issue , it’s a tiny drawer , and my collection is growing , ladies , gents you have my issue , do I now buy a chest of drawers ? Oh no back to Amazon .

And before you ask? , about Micturation, it’s a word we learnt while watching one of our many programme,s on Britbox , all I will say it’s made saying I’m going to the bathroom different , that’s all I’m going to tell yah !!!!!! There’s your home work for tonight,, go google, take care folks and be careful out there xx

Day 3, nope it’s officially night, hell i don’t know.?…I’m still in the valley of no sleep, last night being worse than ever, I should warn you now I rhink, i can barely focus,let alone spell or string more than two words together at any one time, so this is your polite notice, this could indeed get very very weird fast and not quite so polite. I’ve also have had a veritable feast of caffeine in my defense, more than is wise most likely, but when ones head refuses to co operate it call,s for desperate measures, ( I’m sure once it hits my stomach I’m going to really regret this !) . It was on my second caffeine laced brew that I get a message that I can look forward to receiving my new housemate by friday, ( my new housemate being of the very very cute fluffy butt variety , ok a bunny ) I’m getting a baby bunny 😁😁😁😁awwwww, so before my new arrival , I need of course , water bottles, feed bowl,s , food, arghhhhh,) I did though spend a pleasant interlude trawling Amazon buying all my new bunnies needs and much he doesn’t , making yet more coffee for shopping we all know to shop is thirsty work….

The minute I hit that pay button, I remember I was going to avoid online shopping for the week, guilt begins to kick straight in, and like any dieter indulging in that large delicious slice of moist chocolate cake, I feel sick at once, I try to justify my mistake, I needed things for my Rabbit right? , And in fairness I did, ( you can’t just go take and it from local per shops shops , they frown upon this still I believe, but I was still angry at myself , I had lasted all of three days, And I suppose I could have not mentioned it and gone on as before, but frankly this isn’t me!, Laying back against my pillow depression reared its ugly head, once again I had failed, .my inner bully made free with its taunts of loser!!!!! In my over tired sleep deprived brain, “See knew you wouldn’t stick at it”, ( I did indeed make a boob, a muckup, I had once again failed) …..doesn’t help i,m fighting off a fever, and I have what I can only describe as the feeling of a sandworm( tremors) eating it’s way slowly through my right ear trying hopelessly to locate a brain or at least a few stray cell,s, stinky gunk slides out and makes its way down neck, I dammed this up quick smart with a nice wad of tissue aka an earplug, and lay sadly in my fleece covered bed starring into space 😁.

This has though lead to some very interesting conversation,s with Jesse, he has, I know ! Been his usual polite gentlemanly self , but with one bunged ear and the other facing away from him, Its given cause for me to give him some very odd looks , At one stage he said( I think) ” I might shut my eyes for a while”, ( I heard I’ve been worried about its size for a while, ( I look up slowly from what I had been doing, dubiously not quite knowing what I may see, only to see him rubbing his tired half shut eyes and the truth dawn,s, ) folks i,m so glad I held my tongue😁,

An hour later, I raised my tired achy self, birds are hanging out along the fence looking in my bedroom window , they are begining to look a little too hungry ! And I worry will a passing sparrow try to fly off with one of my young neighbours outside playing or the yappy little dog that screams outside several times a day. For the good of all, I grab fat balls😉, bread, fruit, and seed and brace myself to let the cold air hit my still nightshirt covered body, it was indeed cold but delicious on my feverish skin ..after tackling the birds, feeding a late fed and very irate Cinnamon bun, I get my self into the bathroom to wash, I throw on the first t shirt I can get my hands on, it’s a black shirt Jesse bought me a while back at the Los Lonely boys concert, I’m at once glad of it,s big black baggy comfort, the memory is like a hug , it surrounds me like arms had many times when I felt upset, I often wear a shirt of Jesse’s or one he bought me when I feel un well or upet, it’s hard feeling ill while alone, but instantly covered in its fresh washed smell and warmth of a memory I don’t feel so alone.

Earlier I compared my shopping addiction to dieting and falling off the wagon , and that’s when it hit me, I did indeed slip , but just like that dieter i,m going to stop being so bloody self indulgent in my misery and carry right on where I left off, I have though stuck to sitting in my candle/ fairy lit room,. I’ve only eaten store cupboards foods, and resisted buying any number of things ,while buying things for my Rabbit friend, it nearly happened in a moment of weakness , but I emptied my basket and signed out quick……..tomorrow is indeed though another day .

It is I believe a Tuesday, although if you asked me to swear on this, you know I really couldn’t or wouldn’t , . Yet another night of just four hours very broken sleep, I say night this was by now 7:30am , I’m well passed that overly tired bench mark,in fact I’m even passed tired, hallucinations, tears, are as dust, I’m now on autopilot, I’ve seen over tired ,waved to it goodbye and I’m well on my way back, …this is what comes of an active mind, I lay my head down, And it decide,s its the moment to ask a thousand un important questions , like a small child asking it’s parent Why!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????

Have you ever been in that semi comatose state? , where you let your brain talk you into all manner of good things?, Well for me it’s a regular occurrence.Today’s fun was” let’s transfer our land lady her rent money, ” fun fun fun, . Well yesssss, unless your sleep addled brain is in charge that is ! , everything worked out so well in theory mmmhmmm, Then I go and try to put it into practice , I’ve had no coffee, my mouth feels like a sandbox, ( used by half the neighbourhood tom cats) my heads full of last night’s questions dancing round like worms in an Apple ) but I’m up for the challenge anyhow,

I manage to get up my bank on my tablet, this in itself is indeed a minor miracle , I congratulated myself whole heartedly and then set about the next level, which is my passwords., can I remember the pass, ? . The one that the nice lady at my bank insisted had to be so many letters, continent,s ,vowels, nouns, adverbs and numbers to prevent anyone figuring it out, I can’t remember my own name at 7 am much less a complicated pass , but with a will of iron, ok sheer stubbornness I manage this mammoth task, not only managing but i,m excelling Baby!!!!!!, I’m on a roll, the world is indeed my lobster, I can now go on and do the actual transfer, all this before coffee, ……I conclude this days banking activities, turn off my tablet , lay back on my memory foam neck pillow, in hopes, I may drift off for an hour at the very least, when suddenly my head pings into action, did you finalise that, ? Are you sure? ..I don’t remember seeing that flashing big all singing , all dancing success notice,

So now I’m up and awake, ( which is indeed clever considering I hadn’t slept) ..I pick up my tablet, do the whole sign in thing againnnnnn!!!!! And begin to check my accounts, as of yet nothing has left it, but I think logically and clearly ( I can do this) And decide to wait a couple of hours , try to get some sleep and come back this afternoon. I then decide to go and wash, clean up the mess in my kitchen from the night before , but first I need food!!!!, It’s one of the rare occasions I’m actually hungry , not only hungry my stomach growls protesting the lack of attention, I step out onto the freezing flooring barefoot , (I’m always barefoot I hate shoes on my feet) check out the cupboards to see if I have a half fresh crust or anything halfway edible, first thing I picked up was a bagel, one lone bagel left in its wrapper ….I spot the delicious tart blackcurrant jam and plan my feast, do I do butter first or just jam? These are very important decisions folks, not to be taken lightly yah know, I put the kettle on while I think this through thoroughly.

Kettle on , mouth watering I retrieve my prized bagel from its packet, as I do the bottom fall,s from my sleep deprived world, it either has decided to join me in the delight that is Covid rashes but in an attractive shade of green, or this is indeed the dreaded mould, …I’m not normally fussy and would have cut this off and still are it, ( oh don’t all look disgusted you’ve all done it) but this was covered, I promise I don’t leave things for weeks , this was just surprising just days, so it’s back to the drawing board, I rifle through the cupboards and find some bread, aha I’m having bread and jam, but first I’m taking the offending bagel out to feed the birds,

As I pass my bed I grab two greasy fat ball,s( this is not some hint at my sex life or there very lack of) it’s fat mixed with seed rounded into balls for birds, I take out some seed too, forgetting i,m only in my nightshift and shorts, but this is quickly forgotten as I’ve been spotted by a line of very hungry birds, they are sitting just feet away , two sparrows and a wren all waiting for me to dispense breakfast, I break up the bagel, the fat ball,s ,which despite being made of reused fat are rock solid and Grosse , ( but birds luv em) I’m engrossed in the job at hand, so much so I don’t feel the chill, or indeed the digging sharp broken gravel under foot, .I also don’t notice my neighbour watching out his window, till too late!!!!!!, ( I’m still only in my nightshirt,

Birds fed , breakfast made of bread and jam, coffee in my thermos cup, i,m by now frozen and dive back into fleece covered bed to enjoy slowly my repast , while I eat I long to trawl the world of Amazon, for all those things I think I really must have , can’t live without, but actually don’t need, . Maybe do a weeks shopping at Asda, Iceland , or Tesco whomever has a rare vacant slot, they are like gold dust these days . But here comes the long awaited thing I mentioned yesterday I would tell you about…., You see last week I realised my shopping had become somewhat of a problem, an addiction., Something i,m doing to fill my long hours of isolation, And really I don’t need anything or want it …..it’s one of my two addictions , the other being much worse and harder to conquer, ( no it’s not drink or drugs) but one that’s taken over my days all the same, ….

So here goes, firstly I’ve decided to go cold Turkey from Amazon, erghhhhhh, then to cut back further I’ve decided to not do my usual weekly online shopping, instead I will use only what’s in my cupboards, fridge or freezer, I’ve not cheated and done a shop first, my last shop being mid week last week, there’s not much in but with forward thinking , a bit of ingenuity I can throw food together , done this from need many moons ago, last night I made spicy veggie wraps with bacon and veggies,all from my stores, tonight chicken pieces with potatoes , stock , and wine cooked in the slow cooker. I’m going even further in my frugal path , only using my battery fairy lights, candles, hearing is my log burner, I have wood already in, I’m trying this originally for one week, but will go on longer if I feel I can….I will keep you informed, it’s not going to be easy, I’ve less than a pint of milk , hardly any bread , nothing to make sandwiches with, well except jam, but this will be fun and make me use my brain more and use up the groceries I have in …….today was a real struggle , but I’m determined to at least do the week ….then onto the big problem ……wish me luck and take care all xx