Hi all, i,m hoping I find you ok ..life treating you well and all that good stuff …it’s been a while since my last visit here, which is funny when I consider things. See two weeks ago, I looked back over a quick story I had written last year. This is always fun …You get to see all the faults ,mistakes large gaps etc. On reading it over , I decided to not leave it as it was, unfinished.( I do this a lot) I liked bits of it, I’m no writer you understand, but these wee stories oft appear in my head, they dwell there frustrating the hell out of me as I just can’t get them, out of my head and written up either on paper or via my tablet…

I decided with this particular tale to work on it further ,for an hour per day, if for no other reason than to get in writing practice… For those first few days I found it hard going, terribly laborious, not being disciplined enough with myself to carry it out, . I’m terrible for starting projects, getting bored, disenchanted, or just plain never satisfied with my work…

But as the days wore on, I soon realised not only was this exercise great for filling time, but that same time was actually passing most pleasantly, in fact some days two or three hours would pass unnoticed, I became so engrossed in my character,s ,padding out their stories, And in trying to build up their lives, It was character building for me too,

I’m not only working on this project, Poetry has made a resplendent reappearance, in fact suddenly I find I’m writing again for the joy of it, but in doing this I have been neglectful of my blogging…but then life at the moment has been full of twists and turns. Big events have taking place , one being my long long awaited Divorce ….why long, well it’s taken all told, three whole years long….blame the Covid thing , plus mass incompetence by a few concerned…but it’s over now and I’m finally free,

At first I was very upset , feeling once again a total failure, I had always promised myself I would make my marriage work, come what may, and I worked harder than anyone I know believe me!….but if your the only one that’s putting in all the work, then there’s no doubt about it, that’s one doomed marriage , after giving myself a sound talking too ( yeah I even talk my own head off), some months to recover . I discovered my freedom.. And That’s one odd feeling , suddenly I can dye my hair any colour I blooming want( And folks I sure did,… it was orange , fire engine red, almost blonde ,I did it all with bells on) , I could even crop it short, ( who knew) ( I now have a swanky pixie cut going on) .wear any crazy thing I like, …the huge thing for me, was eating when I liked, ( not the same time every evening) wether I was hungry or not, ohhhhh and food has real flavour you know, …I have a whole shelf of herbs, spices and bottle,s of essences, flavours …onions, I can add onions to my food, oh and garlic, lots of garlic…I’m so excited by this…can you tell ?

my house stays clean for more than an hour,,, I find it you put things away, they stay there!!!!!!!( No really they do) , I can draw at 3am , stay awake all night watching trash tv, lay and read if I so desire, shopping doesn’t have to be done on Wednesday,s yah know.?..😮, And I can do housework whenever the mood takes me….after 35 years these may seem small things to you , but to me it,s bloody fabulous….I love the fact I can play music till my little hearts content ….run about in a big baggy t shirt of Jesse,s without one raised eyebrow…..oh folks you will never know how wonderful that is….

I’m still not leaving my house much yet, (so not totally free), again due to Covid ,being immune compromised and the after Effects of long hauling. But I’m working on that too, . I did however go out with my friend Debbie to a lovely little cafe, it’s new to us both, but one I think I shall take time out to revisit, it served delicious tea, had a whole shelf filled with the most seductive home made cakes, I drooled not stop, till i resembled somewhat like a great Dane with its droolaces, , it was only made worse by my friend most sweetly offering to buy me a slice, …I was strong folks, I resisted its calling, I looked it in the chocolate frosting and refused to be tempted by its wickedness……we chatted away catching up on all our news , Debbies exciting new job, and my latest happenings….

I also have taken to buying myself flowers, it not only fills the house with glorious perfume, but makes me hark back to flowers for mum when she was alive, there was not a week I didn’t take at least one bunch of not more, as I sit cutting off the ends , getting them in the vase, smelling each flower, I’m transported back in time, to my mother’s house, the light flooding through the huge sitting room windows, I would be sat on the floor , arranging them with care, so they looked pretty for her, we would chat, and talk over a book, soap or family, now each big pink star gazer Lily , rose, or freesia, is like a time machine …And not only do I get to enjoy their beauty but it’s a lovely memory to boot…..well folks I’m signing out for now, as my eyes are blurring from strain lol, you take care folks and bye for now xx

Over the past few nights,my old nemesis sleep, once again has somewhat evaded my every attempt, So I’ve fallen into this pattern of contenting myself with just a few precious moments grabbed when my exhausted eyes shut and it no longer becomes a choice but that necessary need, sleep then washes over me and I’m powerless to resist its call, weird disjointed dreams that make little sense full those miments . this now happens even while I’m mid occupation lol, ,( it is rather novel but none the less feeling freaky, . I fell asleep this afternoon while watching one episode of a program , only to wake twenty minutes later to another different topic and actors, my half asleep foggy mind takes to back spinning quickly to process all this new information, which after much effort it does thankfully,

last night my pain meds kicked in quickly and had at least three hours deep restful sleep, I had had rather an eventful day yesterday though, ( being one of the very few days I ventured forth, into the big wide world., A lovely recently found, quite by chance friend came to remind me there is (Actually!!!!!) life outside my house and garden, I’m always nervous about this, and if I’m honest blown away( I hasten to add it’s not that full nerve blown panic attack of yesteryear, ) No this is an odd mix of anticipation, stress of being so tired, and just the sheer speed of how fast the world about me is now days , When you live totally cut off from everything, rejoining the outside seems foreign, fearful even, And although I don’t hate it, but just like waking up to find another episode on the tv, I find it difficult to process, it’s kind of like I am no longer part of it, I find the world is indeed still going on around , but without me none the less.

We arranged to go firstly to a post office, there to send a package containing Jesse’s favourite coffee, ( seems odd sending coffee to an American, Home of the coffee, but it’s his favourite and almost unobtainable there) . I managed this task quite alone, while my new found Friend Debbie waited patiently outside in the car, the chilled rainy Monday morning no place for her yet lol, it was thank goodness in fact empty, . I walked through to the back of a local shop where the little local post office was situated .. apart from one other person It was quiet, so i escaped having to people …….well at least for that moment , I stood behind the tape barrier as required, shuffling restlessly from foot to foot. More people joined in behind me, and I was very aware of their presence, just a couple of years past this wouldn’t have bother me, let alone me take note of it..the mask on my face makes me sweat nervously, water trickles down my face and in my eyes, I just want to get this done and get out, but I am aware I must take my turn, I concentrate on my breathing , which by now is rapidly growing to fast , if I’m not careful I will in fact hyper ventilate, so I shut my eyes for a moment , and count each breathe willing it to deepen and slow, which it does…I do in time though get served and before leaving the shop, I push myself that bit further still , and buy newspapers, more waiting in line, hanging about, ( they are not for me I hasten to add , but for Cinnamon,s ( my Bunny) room , I will do anything for him lol.

From there we ventured to a supermarket, (store, shop,) however you refer to these places, that most normal people go to for a food shop, ( I’m convinced myself it always turns up at your door, well mine has for the last 18 months anyhow, then as we long ago established in not the norm) . This was a big moment for such as I, . One that requires stopping off at the nearest cafe for a coffee to arm my before the next trial commences , And as if by magic , the shop has its own and I drag us both in to caffeine fuel up before the fun begins , ……it’s been so long since I’ve lived amongst my fellow humans though, that I had forgotten all about how these weird fangled creations called tea and coffee machines, how do they work???!, .

I stood back a while leaning relaxed against shopping trolley( cart) for support, hoping someone would come by and use it , my loitering caused a few chance stares, (few out and out ones too lol, ) Eventually I bit the bullet watched over by a very bemused Debbie and lady stood behind her plastic shield barrier thing, I press loads of buttons, ( don’t know what I’m going to get) could be one of those Macky , latte, yacky coffee things, bring back the days of just plain old tea or coffee, I don’t know what I want, don’t give me a hundred to choose from, But I hastily thrust my cup at the machine and by more luck than chance, I do indeed get a black coffee, ( I thought those by now looking on in amusement were going to applaud, ….I glare at the machine as I look back walking away……I have no clue where the milk is?, Let alone anything to try to sweeten this inky black acidic looking brew, ( I swear I thought my cup was going to dissolve if I didn’t drink it quick) ….As if by magic or maybe mind reading Debbie appeared behind me with Those tiny pots of milk and sugar, …as I feared even after two milks, countless sugars, the rapidly cooling by now black mess , still didn’t look any more appetizing, ..in fact I didn’t dare stir it with a spoon , it may melt in this battery acid for an excuse of a coffee, then I would never brave to drink it……

we sat at one of the tables , that were themselves imprisoned behind grotty finger smudged plastic barrier,s, , my eyes never leaving the coffee, in case it got away …well it may have, ( I waited to fight it off ,from going for my throat, ) I decide it may be far safer to drink this stuff before it get,s me!, …..I sip it dubiously, it tastes as it looks, ( like anything coming within its path is about to dissolve or combust) But my companion makes it go down easier, we chat happily about our latest Netflix binge, classic drama,s, music and our mutual love of all things Gardening, Debbie sings in a choir and she recanted takes of events she’s taken place in, And as she does, it’s a joy , this ladies eyes become aflame with passion , the excitement is evident, And I’m taken along for the ride, I can picture the scenes, hear the raised voices, I not only listen intently , I’m with my friends descriptive art ,actually there. Taken from this dimly lit cafe, on a wet Monday morning to a world of music , to a different time, I love the warmth and energy she exudes, as she explains, describes, every finite moment, ….before I know it though we both know we have to indeed do the shopping, but I have loved this brief stay of execution( aka shopping) and so caught up was I , that I had even survived the coffee, ( or had i)????????!

We went or separate ways to shop, and nervously I picked my way about the large store, .having that I don’t actually walk anywhere ever usually, other than around my small bungalow, this is a slow and painful affair, my under worked muscles long ago gone to flab. The conditions I suffer with decide they want to now join in, ( I’m in full flare up) , soon in a world of pain, ….this and not knowing my way about The shop is not a wonderful combination……Then as if feeling left out, the beginning of a doozy of a stomach cramp reminds me of the earlier drank coffee, it’s soon joined by it,s friends…..since I can remember I’ve had stomach issues, but after Covid, this has become shall we put it a much more trickier situation, I have to be within a millisecond of the nearest bathroom, not in fact in a crowded store, with my shopping, that and a loathing of using public bathrooms, sweat soaking me through to my skin, I try distraction, ( you ever tried distracting your stomach?????) Oh look at this lovely erm, food arghhhh! , there’s food as you would expect everywhere , not good lol, ……but with sheer skill, much determination even more clinching of ……….teeth , I make it…..now I just want to get home to my own little home, bathroom before there’s a disaster on aisle 3!!!!!!…… . I have done peopling, they are all very nice I suppose , but at a distance please ….

I locate Debbie ,whose amusing herself by now, looking in a nearby charity shop while waiting for me, Myself I’m just praying she’s not going to want to look at the other shops close, on the way home lol, But luck was, for once on my side, and we are soon on our way back to my home……(Debbie doesn’t just take me out on shopping trips,she also helps me out in my garden) , she’s has soon got out her garden gloves and is setting about any unwieldy weeds daring, to show their heads, while she does that I sit myself down on my trusty garden chair, i,m completely exhausted, both mentally and physically, moving anywhere hurts, moving everywhere causes pain, And just as I sit trying to recover, ,, the battery acid coffee decides to ‘re _visit once more!!!! , I then make the first of what are to be many , afternoon,s hurried bathroom visits……… In Between I feel guilty that i,m neglecting Debbie, I also feel bad I’m not helping out , …..I try in vain , but I’m sapped,…In fact I long actually just to lay down, sleep, rest , relax anything!!!!!, But manners maketh this woman and I persist in my trying to help, although I actually suspect I more than hinder…..After an hour Debbie ,makes her way home, And I’m left with the now all too telling silence, ( I hate it)

Gone is the merry chatter, the companionship, laughter , now there’s just silence again, if anything , I actually feel it more now, ….I go lay on my bed, hoping my exhaustive morning will bring release, in the form of sleep, …..but even now, when I need it most , it is far off, And I feel it mocks me as it goes, ( can almost here it’s laughter)….I didn’t fair any better that night,

Indeed the next morning when I try to leave my bed, my body protests dramatically, muscles ache, I ache and all of me screams ,lay back down, no one will care, ……but I dont, because I care, I need a shower badly, I need to feed Cinnamon too, mostly my by now badly dehydrated body from the day before calls for its caffeine fix, …while I feed Cinnamon, put on the kettle, refill the two air purifier,s with Eucalyptus oils to help me breath, I remember all the things I need to do, I groan out loud and decide , if I manage to shower that day, then that’s ok! I’m ok with that…. Standing a few minutes later, I stand in my chilled bathroom , turn the water around from cool to blooming hot!!!!! And there I just let it run over me , and as it’s does I begin to feel the aches dull somewhat, I lather my short freshly cut the day before hair, letting the bubbles wash down me, ….I decide today’s one of those days that I will use some of the last of what has become my very precious Norfolk lavender companies conditioner , it’s warm deep musky scent fill,s the shower cubicle and I breathe in its wealth of perfume, for a brief moment in not just a survivor , a Covid long hauler, I’m not fighting a thousand battles at once , I’m Theresa the brave and free, I picture field upon field, line upon line of deep purple waving heads sat atop silvery green stalks, and I’m walking pain free through them, Sun upon my back, and warm breeze carrying its glorious perfume, mostly in free, …..when I come back down to earth with a thump, I am indeed clean, fresh scented and if not ready to face my day, least it’s a start ……..ps after extensive research I’ve found where to buy more of the conditioner , plus shampoo to go with, the world’s now my lobster 😉 , take care out their folks , until our next adventure xx

As you may or may not know, ( depending if you’ve ever survived any of my previous missive,s) I have lived alone now for well over two years. With this, due too shielding and Covid long hauling, I’ve isolated completely. I see no one and have grown quite used to the long days and nights of my own company….it has in fact reached to the point, when I do have to communicate with another living breathing human type person, I have to dig deep well into the recess,s of my over active flowing mind to string my than one word sentences, . I mainly Garble or mutter something at them, that sounds akin to actually words.

And you know on the whole, I’ve grown almost accustomed to this solitary life of mine. Except for the past couple of weeks, (what’s new your wondering?) .well just over a fortnight past , I’ve had a terrible head cold, ( well I’m hoping that’s what it is anyhow, not being of the doctor type person, And exceptionally stubborn) I’ve mainly got by thanks as the title above suggests to four hourly top ups of ibuprofen and countless cups of strong coffee, it’s a novel combo and several times my poor battered Angina ridden heart has infact protested , I swear it thought it was a bongo on the odd occasion, on uppers at times lol….but without this self medication, I felt just turning over in bed was exhausting, never mind having a shower or feeding myself. Fevers kept me awake most nights and soaked to the skin ,during the day , I could not for the life of me, reach a happy medium, covers on, covers off, fan on, fan off, covers off and this went on all night,

my air purifier belted out eucalyptus / peppermint combo, 24/7 just to enable me to breathe, any food is tasteless, and my head has a constant marching band going through, But as I lay there in the dark soft stillness of night, I felt a mixture of emotions, not all of it good…..Firstly let me explain there was and is no fear of dying or death itself, ..Death has threatened me too many times in my long life, to hold anything over me these days, The Grim reaper is an old buddy now… I know it would actually bring with it a welcome relief from all the years of pain and trauma of anything, But no this was a depth of loneliness that actually bought a crashing fear around me,,,, like I have never felt in the whole of my existence before.. A deep loneliness for those I love , both alive and those gone on already …..I especially hungered for the sound of laughter from my children’s voices, even hearing the word mum!!!!!!, their faces, sitting in the same room ,sharing moments like we had many times before, …I replayed over and over precious memories made on one of our many walks together, picnics , mushroom picking at dawn, the clashing of personalities, even the bloody mess left in my kitchen lol, all the things that now as a mother left with that permanent empty nest hurts like hell, I’m glad don’t get me wrong , that each have their lives now , . You do after all only get them on loan.

But I miss that small warm sticky hand in mine, the constant question,s, and being ill brings this to the fore, I dream constantly of them, …mostly as small children , playing , running,And my house ever full of their friends voices and laughter, a crazy hotpotch of teen,s and an equally lunatic mother figure, they all took to calling me mum lol, (not sure who parented who, half the time mind,. But what I knew as sick as I felt then, I would do anything to go back to those moments willingly, ….Then when I closed my eyes I saw the outlines of my dogs, Willow, Marley, Kaito, Briar, I can’t even begin to express the pain of not having them close , I still feel willow climbing on my bed at night, his warm, little presence there on the bottom of the bed or laying on my pillow above my head, but it’s wishful thinking, these are just long ago ghosts that now haunt me…ghosts that are so close yet just out of reach….they taunt my weakest moments , times when I feel alone the most,

until then I had always believed that I could survive within my own company, that being alone didn’t necessarily mean I was lonely, but now I have to accept the facts, I hate this constant solitude,. …I’m a deep believer that everything happens for a reason, And maybe I needed this time to reflect, recover and learn to stand alone, but I’ve communed enough now with my god, I know more about myself then anyone’s a right to do lol, ..And whatever I’ve done in my past that needed this punishment, I’m sure two years of solitary confinement is enough, …what hurts above all is those that bought this about mess, I’ve tried to atone for those past transgressions if indeed I had any regarding these folks, but for the life of me I can’t see them, ….the only person I’ve hurt in my life ,I’ve apologised to countless times, And because of this person,s forgiveness, I’ve changed beyond recognition, I became far better, warmer, and vowed never to knowingly hurt anyone in my lifetime, . So as I lay deep in thought , I asked of my god, what more can I do for you, I’m ready to answer for whatever you feel I’ve done, But lift this weight and let me know freedom for a while before I go on), let me know love, not the sham of love that caused me heart ache an brutality no real honest love, let me also feel the arms of the man I love about me( even once more) when darkness brings with it its demons, before life comes to a close, ….No one can inded know the pain of a constant separation from some one who keeps them walking this earth as I do, or that of a mother not being with her family , hold those your love close and your loved ones even closer because we live in a harsh world right ,full of uncertainty, stay well and be careful 💚

It’s been sometime now, since I’ve felt the where with all to write, I’m afraid another Covid long hauling cycle has come a calling, ( tried hiding behind the sofa, pretending I’m not in, but like that unwelcome relative with BO it’s coming around anyhow)..I find myself confined to my bed like some naughty school girl, too weak to do much, but to bored just to lay under it, my temperature fluctuate,s, I’m either freezing cold, or soaked through with sweat, ..there’s been the odd morning I’m glad to stand under the icy burst of cold water from the shower and others I turn the tap right round glad of the hot splashing water raining down on my shivering body, ….nights are spent doing the cover shuffle, fleece blankets up to my neck, then just a cotton sheet or nothing at all, I get up next day more exhausted than before I went to bed, feeling like I’ve climbed Everest just without the pretty views…

Most mornings I just grab a coffee and go sit out in the garden, it provides the RDA(recommended daily allowance ) of vitamin D, it’s a more pleasant experience than the high dose white pills I have to swallow anyhow, ….you should see the garden, it’s filled with flowers of every hue and scent, the wild sister to the lilac ( Buddelia) is magnificent, ..long brack,s of tiny purple flowers, making up swaying heads, for big fluffy Bubble bees, Hover flies, cabbage white,s, painted ladies and Red admiral butterflies, it’s beautiful heady scent fills the air with a delicious intoxicating aroma, I can fully appreciate it’s attraction

I sit hunched forward coffee in hand, I cannot sit straight, my spine doesn’t let me, but elbows resting on my knees I take in my small world, my mind racing away with thought, I long to walk, but know even if I could muster the energy, I just don’t feel up to it….so I sink any energy I have into my little patch of paradise , it’s a constant occupation, even with how small it is, something always needs dead heading, watering ,weeding or spraying , but even though it causes pain, I’m happy to do it, happy because the whole gardens a feeding station . More and more insects visit, life’s happening all about me, from the many different breeds of bee, hoverfly, bugs ,birds, even the odd Dragon fly has stopped off on its way through, for years I walked with my camera and joined nature in all her splender, now in her turn she comes to visit me like a long lost old friend, friend

amongst other things there’s a hen Blackbird that visits daily, she protects our small domain virulently, taken on huge plump wood pigeons three times her size, shouting loudly at their nerve and repels them without fear, I often through our blueberries , strawberries I’ve grown and pieces of fruit suet for her breakfast, she never worries about my presence, going about her business as if I didn’t exist , I feel honoured and amused by her company, when you live alone you find anything living and breathing in the same area , or even within a mile an amusement, I’ve come to rely on the pigeon,s fighting over the feeder , they have trained me to fill three times daily,( yes they have successfully encouraged, cajoled, glared through my window,s till I put on my slippers and go fill the feeder again,

Wings flapping at each other violently to ward one another off they eat their fill, in return I get to watch their comical antics, seed ,fresh water is indeed a very small price to pay, all the while I cannot join life , I’m very content to let life join me…be careful out there folks and look after you 💙

For some reason last friday, I felt very restless, I was also impossibly tired but just could not find it within me to rest, my head spun out of control with thought, all at the speed of a thousand hamster wheels per minute,, And my body crawled with that restlessness, ( no I hadn’t over dosed on coffee) you see that week I had been suffering with an Ear infection, one so painful, I actually consulted the medical professional (I know shocking right ?!!!!) But that was early in the week, And after having a smashing chat, with a equally smashing nurse over the phone) I was prescribed some rather super dooper Antibiotics,

Not just any antibiotics mind, these are of enormous statue and stronger than Popeye,s right arm, ( was Popeye right handed ?hhhh )( tuts I’m wandering again) , my minds none stop, Anyhow to cut a very long story short, Antibiotics hate me, ( well my stomach anyhow) ….My ear is at least no longer painful , but my stomach now hurts like the devil, ….this however I will get through, Back to the original story Treez, Jesse was asleep in telephone land, And I’m too lethargic to do anything too strenuous, but took a coffee out into my garden and sat looking at my plants…..

I’ had several packs of Geraniums, Dianthus, and lobelia that needed to go into tubs fast or I would lose them, ….I felt angry and frustrated at my lack of energy , slammed my half filled coffee mug upon the round wooden garden table, narrowly avoiding the ripening red strawberries spilling over the sides of their earthenware blue pot, ….if I didn’t pot these plants on, then who would? , there’s only me and it’s a job when I’m well or even Ok ish I get great joy from, ( that day wasn’t one of those, I’ve been having fevers, headaches, and pain,) but like I said someone had to make the effort, .

so while sat, the sky turning a lovely inky dark blue, by the twinkling light of hundred,s, of fairy lights, I began preparing a pot for some of my plant’s, I had a little hand shovel, but I’m terrible , I can’t help but get my hands in that soil, I love the feel of that stuff , ( And it all washes off right!?…..I’m digging for victory, snapped to nails but this was fun….but as I pull back the still warm soil from that days sun, I though I felt an odd vibration, . With a mutter to myself and a deep sigh, I seriously thought, this is it woman!!!!!!, You’ve finally lost the plot, your marbles are not only lost , they have left the damn country!, …I carry on, not getting far when again I feel this weird sensation, A strange pulsing, …..but before I could react remove my hand, I felt a sudden stinging , then another, another and another, I pulled out my from the soil and there to my shock and surprise, sat a whole, load of bee,s, …..their little fluffy gold and black bodies nestled cosily in the warm compost, there were loads of them, …..it was a shock in all my Gardening years I had never experienced such a thing,

I know well enough you get Bee,s that bury under the soil, Solitary Bee,s, do this, but as the name suggests they share their nests with no one! , let alone upwards of thirty, …..I walked away hand throbbing feeling very sorry for myself, I held no malice to the bee,s, I had disturbed their nest, ( it was my fault) …once again living alone was drummed into me, here I was in great pain and not a soul to commiserate with , no one to bring me sweet tea or bath the stings…..I washed my hands, applied neat vinegar to each sting, that’s when I began to shake, ….I lay on my bed, insight of where just lay asleep, my eyes glued to his face, the sweat dripping from my body , and heart racing…..it pounded like it wanted to find its way from my chest, ….I couldn’t breath , and I knew I was fast suffering from some kind of shock, ……eyes firmly fixed on Jesse’s face, I tried to match each breath of mine with his deep slumbering ones…..my heart not only raced it now miss beat, And for one miniscule moment real fear filled my body….

was I going into anaphylactic shock, ?was Jesse’s face the last I would see,?, I pulled a sheet up and swaddled myself up in its comfort, …why wouldn’t I wake Jesse? …hmmmm, numerous reason,s really……Jesse would have out Paramedic,s, the Army, Navy, Gurkers, and half the Air force before I could finish a sentence……then I’ve been so rough of late I didn’t want the blooming fuss, I wanted to lay quietly, I just wanted whatever was to be to be…..so there I lay , watching my man,s peaceful face, the clock pass the minutes , after an hour I knew what I had suffered was just shock, and I rested quieter , exhausted but ok…..later that night as I lay and told Jesse , I could now become excited, never having seen such a thing as bee,s living under ground,. Again I was reminded of all the things I’m yet to learn , stinging hand or no stinging hand, I had survived to tell then tale, ..the next morning the Bee,s had made good their get away , Have I learnt not to put my hands in the soil, offfff course not, straight back in next day, pots planted up, but I must say I have a new healthy respect for Bee,s lol, take care out there folks, it’s going to be a hot weekend ahead, 💜💛💜💙💙💜💛

By now you must be sick of the never ending tales of my Gardening antics , the blooming ever invading Triffid sized weed,s , wasps the like,s of spitfires, coffee swigging Ants and over sexed pigeons, who are at it in amongst the undergrowth from dusk to dawn . But it really is a never ending source of wonder, ( for me anyhow)This week I saw a whole new species of Bee, ( I thought I had encountered nearly all by now, ) This one was different , big , but Not as large as our Bumbles, or then again as small as the harmless massionary Bee,s… it,s body longer , eyes larger and he didn’t buzz , He sat on the Jasmine plant behind me moving his body almost, I liked to fancy as if He was twerking …( Well he could have been ! !!!!) We sat in our companionship , him twerking away and me drinking my third vat of coffee for the day, I took his picture and decided to name my new found friend Buzby, .

some months back while weeding , sprouting mysteriously and totally out of place I spotted the early beginnings of a weedy rose plant, ( it looks of the tea rose variety ) I say weedy as besides it’s thug like weed cousins it looked pathetic , but I once spotted I could not ignore its presence, how it had managed to grow through a membrane, a ton of slate was nothing if not miraculous, each time I took out the rubbish I was careful not to walk over it, weeding around it to give it chance to grow, over weeks I began to increase my plants, filling the borders with Geraniums, Dianthus, lavender and scattering seeds to fill in the gaps, Each time I watered and fed the plants, I found myself saving some to take to the tiny rose…

it really was no more than three inches tall, two weak stems and some pale green leaves , I worried the membrane and shingle hampered its growth, So one weekend while weeding I decided to take matters in my own hands, ( I was going to dig up the beginings of this tiny rose seedling and transfer it to the border… I know it sounds daft but I worried as I did it, I had grown fond of my wee charge, And it’s commitment to live, despite cold weather, weeds , membrane,s and shingle, it was doing it’s best, And I had committed myself likewise to assisting its progress, I dug as carefully as I could, scared of damaging the frail roots , I dug as far away from the actual plant as I could, ….the nearer I got to freeing it ,the more I worried was I actually doing the right thing, was it not maybe happy enough in its poor soil growing sheltered amongst its sheltered weed infested corner….but I carried on and eventually achieved my goal….it came free with as much root as I could retrieve….

I dug it a hole in amongst my already by now established plants , filled it with plant food to give it the best possible chance I could, as I back filled it into place again I hoped my kindly interfering hadn’t in fact meant certain doom and gently patted soil about it,s frail little stems, ( it did in fact show it’s displeasure by getting me with one of its many thorns, my plant maybe frail but it can bite lol , the next morning I rushed out to check it’s progress as I fed my birds, And I was delighted to see it hasn’t wiltered, none the worse for wear,

I had to almost feel sorry for all my other plants, they grew daily from what was once tiny little plug plants just beginning, to now rich leafy, filled with promise of many beautiful blossoms to come, I noted their vim, vigour , new steady growth. but still it was the tiny rose I cheered on daily, ….about a week after I replanted it out , we had a rather hot spell , I watered twice daily, now, always making sure the rose was ok, but my fears became real, it’s leaves shrivelled in the heat, they became crisp and brittle, the plant began to wilter and I felt immediately sad, ( it had tried so hard to live) And my interference had indeed hampered its efforts , yes I know to anyone reading this , to any in fact sane ,normal person it was just a rose bush( or the promise of one) but when you live totally alone, you begin to reach out to anything living, it’s life is entangled with your own, like the pigeons, blackbirds, finches, bee,s and ants, they are part of my puzzle, life….

I watered the wee plant extra, cutting back any now dead growth, it looked a sorry state and I really didn’t hold out any hope, all around it things burst into a triumphant mass of colour, corals, pinks, white and red, the lavenders doubled in size , purple spikes covering the grey green stems, Bees droned lazily on hot summers afternoons as they fed, but for all the beauty it was when I started seeing the first new leaves on that tiny rose that felt a renewed interest , it sparked my imagination, if it could grow against all the odd,s , in fact double its size within weeks, then I felt ashamed, because here I was not thriving myself, I was merely existing, just getting by, long haul Covid, other illness had taken its toll, but I am still indeed living , breathing, I’m alive, while my health takes turns for the worst some days others I grow and bounce back, I get why I identified so strongly with the tiny rose , it grew in the most hostile of places, no shelter, amongst hard stony ground, from nothing it became a living thing, it didn’t matter it now share,s a home amongst those beautiful blossoms, it can hold its own, without any flowers, I’m intrigued to see if it will indeed at some point bud, but if it doesn’t so what it has its spot in my garden, it belongs, And that’s all any of us long for, is to be a part of something,

I share this tiny patch with many forms of life, none of it human, but it’s bustling, it’ changes daily , and as I tend it, water it , feed it, it does likewise to me, it feeds my very imagination, And while loneliness still takes its toll, I’m surrounded by wonder and mother natures beauty , we miss so much as we go about busy lives, if like myself you get a moment , go sit among nature, watch how she surrounds and brings you into the life around you, as I sat outside tonight, it wasn’t the twinkling fairy lights, the sounds of cars, bikes, people that I noted, but as the remains of the day still heated the earth , it was the Warm scent,s of Clove from the Dianthus, soft sweet soft perfume from the bell like Petunias, musky lavender that filled my senses, moths fluttering about my head, clouds drifting lazily in the inky sky, they feed my soul and give strength and wonder, if you look hard enough life is happening all around you, it’s willing to share if you just let it, stay well folks and take care of you ……xx

The days fly fast, faster than I can possibly keep track.of, or for that matter want to, I’ve a couple of big events coming up in the next two weeks, ( life changing, but unusually for me I’m letting them happen without fretting overly ) as a born worrier this of course give me cause to worry,, I will always find something to fret about, ( if not I will make it up) ….I normally worry myself half to death about the slightest thing , half of which most let come and go….of late I’ve taken to sitting out in my little garden when things reach that point I find most distressing, a large mug of rich strong coffee, Sun on my face, company of large chubby wood pigeons, eating the food faster than I can distribute it,…. they amuse me greatly , wings flapping at each other, arguing over the same food pot , when I,ve clearly filled two, they never seem to worry about me sat in what I believe they think is their domain, ( Garden) I think they allow it for as long as I pay them in food, ..my blushes are not even spared when Mr pigeon brings Mrs pigeon down for a late evening Fairy light lit supper and thinks then his entitled to payment for bringing her to such a great dining place, he chases her relentlessly, little bodies waddling around the floor, …

she flaps her wings at him, almost like some prim and propper lady slapping a too forward Gent about the face, this goes on a while , then it’s full scale pigeon Porn , And by this point I Flee hastily the scene leaving the lovers to it and come back indoors, .. There,s also a large family of Blue tits , and the odd Magpie that call , Huge Bee,s, Hover flies and various other insects have made their home amongst the plants i,m gradually getting in the borders, Just being out there amid nature soothes, most things for me, I sit there and feel, well like nothings that important in the grand scheme is it?, nothing but that moment, that window of peace, when my usual shallow breathing becomes deep, even, …..I take in the sights, sounds, yet if it’s possible I’m ambivalent to everything ….I hear music, children’s laughter, parents shouts, but it’s way off in the distance , for a brief moment I give myself permission to just be, to coexist with all that surrounds me…..

I water the plants, feed them it’s my one job as caretaker of my corner iddle, my miniscule section of mother nature,s wonderful universe, And for that small task I get to share it with those that visit, Without this island of a tranquilty, that moment I swear sometimes I think I would question my frail sanity, my life’s this wild Hotpotch that I’m not in control of, nothing about me is stable, my health, homelife, life in general hangs upon a balance, and rest, sleep, peace happens, rarely, if at all…….the last few days my pain levels have reached a crescendo point, i,m finding it hard to cope with, my whole body is aching ,feels like every muscle ,joint ,sinew is aflame, and the night time fevers have returned with a vengeance, But even with my body screaming at me just to sit there in my wee oasis , I’m given enough of a break to enjoy a part of each day,

my favourite time to do this is in the middle of the night, where I share my space with just the odd spider looking for a late night snack at Treez,s garden 7/11, …my fairy lights twinkle in the dusky blackness, stars draw my eyes and the poet within knows that no matter how I tried words fail me when I try to describe the sense of wonderment that moment fills my heart with, A sense of belonging , peace enfolds me and that is indeed precious and calms my aching soul….pain is put on the back burner for these scant few minutes, anguish and heartache also give me a window to just breath and dwell in my tiny world, in a life where everything feels like it’s slipping away , falling through my fingers like tiny grains of white sand that I can do nothing at all to prevent , I’m most fortunate to have these moments……stay well and take care all xx

I’ve never really taken myself to be a prideful type person, (but In this i guess I was mistaken) you can’t afford to remain proud when you’ve been down to where I have, or can you ?!!!!!!,,. then again I’m still learning about these things,(about myself , who and what I really am, See here’s where i,m at presently,…… my garden is wonderful and a most essential thing for me ,my only access to the outside really., but it is also needed quite a bit doing to it for me to be able to just sit and relax. , it’s a cute little court yard type garden,(easy to maintain one would think right?!!!!) ( wrong wrong wrong!!!!) It’s pretty and has this slight feel of the tropical or Med about it, its a very enclosed private space and is indeed a veritable suntrap ) And I’ve tried hard over the weeks ,months to do a bit here, bit there, so I could eventually, at some point in time , plant it up and do it justice,, but there was this one huge snag, issue, pain in the proverbial garden border!!!!

A huge patch of bright yellow Butter cup,s growing wild under a bushy shrub, not just growing, ohhhhh no. , nay these have taken it to the extreme and were actually looking like leggy great Triffid’s on steroids, thriving, taking over in their golden thug like kind of way. I’ve nothing against Butter cups understand, they are very nice running free in the wild , being back fond childhood memories, ( do you remember holding a bright sulfur yellow Butter cup head under someone’s chin, seeing the yellow reflection and proclaiming ” oh yes you like butter” didn’t matter if they did or not, the Butter cup knew all, So there for it was truth ….

And not that I wanted to encourage the growth of Nettles, Common milk thistle, Plantain, Dandelions, Dockweed, clover, Oxeyes etc you understand,,but these things really didn’t stand a chance., Butter cups were my local boys in the Hood and they treated my little patch of Eden like their turf…. it got to the point, I hated going to sit out there, ( when I did, it was nothing but a constant reminder of things I now find I struggle to do) , I needed to take matter,s into my own hands, take back control, these handful of a the yellow Peril trouble maker,s had to go, it was them or me , and I wasnt budging…, I could and indeed did pull some up,but it just was never going to get it, and in effect just made matter,s far worse, it left them more room to expand their horizon,s bullying less vigorous sedate weeds, ( I began to feel quite sorry for them ….

So while drinking my fourth large coffee, in what was just over an hour, sat at my little wonky round wooden table plotting those said Butter cups demise,,, , And being dive bombed by marauding wasps, Ants crawling at my feet begging for scraps like tiny puppies scampering back and forth to their underground nests hidden in the cracks of my patio,…An idea hit me suddenly( like it does) I plonked down my cup with such a loud resounding bang, as I did i startled a poor foraging hen Black bird busy scarfing up Blueberries, I had thrown out earlier for them, (she let me know in no uncertain terms it was not funny or acceptable!!!!, (doing her best shouty call, she flew off….But I decided to commit myself to weed warfare on these golden headed bloody pest, (I was bringing out the big guns, .(Amazon!!!! ) …I trawled it’s many pages for hours sipping yet more coffee as I was looking at one weed spray after another, (I don’t agree with the use of pesticide warfare normally by the way folks ,incase your looking at screens shaking your head,s)(but needs must) normally I would be opting for the age old method,,, weeding and getting filthy, my first and only port of choice in the past, But since Covid took to moving into my body fourteen months or more ago, I’ve just no energy , ….i looked at a great many named brands of weed killers…..one stood out from the rest, .an environmentally friendly spray ,

it,s blurb on Amazon said it kills weeds within three hours,… ewwwww thinks i,. I can indeed wait that long, after weeks of these monsters rampaging. ,, them sat out there taking over my border, And the supposed membrane that fights off all comers, (like hell! Doing nothing) , this weed was busying itself growing Willy nilly where they thought they would , I ordered my product all excited, in just a few days I’m gonna commit weedacide, in the biggest proportion,s , they would be gone and I could then set about replacing their yellowness with Geranium, lavender, Begonia, Fuchsia,s anything that’s not blooming yellow!!!!, I pictured cottage garden borders, bee,s buzzing , butterflies butterflying , me with my flouncy big lace dress, bonnet , gloves and basket cutting armful,s of flowers for the house (ermmmmmm maybe scrap the dress bit, actually all of that,( to much pride and prejudice) But it was a nice thought ( dream really.

when it arrived , I rushed out in my garden, I looked at that rambunctious bunch of runaway weeds, I chuckled an evil laugh to myself,(wicked witch of the North style) I sprayed every flower, leaf, and stem,twig, I sprayed the soil they called home,(myself each time a breeze hit) I took aim and let that spray do it’s best,it’s worst, And without thought of those weeds outcome,… I was ruthless, heartless, I was marvelous!!! then I sat back to watch the magic happen.

Only it didn’t, ( it never did…)yes in fairness they wilted slightly, (then the very next day those yellow heads stood ,tall and proud to attention, I swear they baited me, I could see them laughing, and once again my garden was their domain, …..I went back to pulling furiously at them, smacked them with them spade, I stabbed at them with my garden fork, I did it all but set about them with a flamethrower, I was tempted and it’s a good job I didn’t have one to hand I have to admit……slumping back exhausted on my garden chair, then in defeat , I retreated and stopped sitting out there, if I couldn’t see them it wasn’t happening right?( Sighs)

Over the coming weeks , I grew more depressed , the garden was my only connection to outdoors, nature, sun on my face, wind in my hair, and wasps chasing me to teach their babies how to hunt humans, …..would the ants miss me?, who was going to bring them their coffee (I like to put some down for the workers, it’s a sharing happy little moment, or feed my Blackbirds coconut macaroons( cooking disaster don’t ask ) as I sat head in hand, a solitary tear of despair trickling , a thought occurred sparked through my exhausted head, it blossomed and grew, much like those blooming Buttercups, And I came into the house and started on it before I could have a change of heart. ( my plan was born.

what was my big idea, then I hear you all excitedly exclaim, ?… .I was going to advertise for Help in my Garden, if I couldn’t tackle the hard work, then I would find someone who could, Words for said add flew into my head, I typed up those words in an eager flurry, I embraced that moment, the finding of a solution an answer to my prayers, And within minutes I had my missive written, I hovered nervously over the publish button for a moment or three, closed my eyes and just did it. The words for the add went off into the cloud and I turned off my tablet suddenly scared, (my bravery vanished)what if no-one answered?, what if I couldn’t afford the going rate, ?, What if ,what if, what if? …..

Hours passed and I went about my evening nervously, until that moment of truth, I turned back on my tablet,! …Almost too afraid to look, I did everything but check my add, I played Facebook games, I trawled for sale pages, anything to delay the inevitable!, But while chatting to Jesse , I took courage as I do from his company and to my surprise,joy and relief, I found replies, just one or two, But there they were, I replied to each, trying to find someone who caught my eye, someone who could indeed work at my side, in harness with me, not take over,

After all I’ve gardened my whole life, since the age of three, now with several health conditions I was unfairly robbed of my joy, And for the first time I held out a hand for help, (hard to admit for me, I’ve always coped by myself, I am a stubborn person and manage ….until like now I just cant…….I wanted someone to help me realise a dream, bring about a picture that until that moment only lived in my head…, It was going to be hard on that person to work alongside me, without my usual interference, fussing, wanting to muck in…it was going to be harder still on me though actually facing up to the fact I needed help , giving in ….

I chose one lady who stood out, not just stood out, but her response ticked every box, she didn’t sound pushy, or wanting to take over my little piece of Paradise, ..I had found I thought someone sympathetic to my cause, someone who would understand how difficult this was for me….when she did turn up, I knew within an instant, this was right, She seemed to pick up, my misery at not being able to manage this project, And we arranged for her to start on the following Monday.

I was at a loss as she worked, I hated feeling out of control, giving up a vestige of my hard fought over independence, I felt part of me disappear forever, slip down the crack,s, of the craggy patio at my feet, …head bent I felt ashamed and broken, This wasn’t Debbie’s fault( Gardener) she was lovely, warm and cheerful, almost like she felt the bubbling up anguish, my sorrow, a feeling of like an old work horse of no use anymore, sadly watching younger ,fitter, horses running in the next field…

we chatted as she worked, weed by weed pulled, dug up, within two hours my garden looked like I had only pictured in the past, Debbie listen to my nervous inane banter, about cats, dogs, gardens, it tumbled out of my mouth, I always talk to much when nervous or feel upset , I admit it cost me dear ( not pocket wise) just to sit back while someone grafted in my stead, it was new, uncomfortable, but something I would have to come to terms with and fast, All my adult life I’ve done everything for myself, my family , my partner, dogs,cats, rescued creatures, never have I relinquished my hold of the reins, come what may, Cancer, Eds, Angina, nothing had stopped me….I had to relearn now, I had even shunned my love,s, help many times because I wanted to do it for myself, now came a time of understanding, it’s not a weakness, it’s not as I’ve been whipped with by past tormentors( lazy) , I was in need, and someone reached out and offered help, She charged far less than she should, far less than indeed could, because what Debbie and indeed Jesse have both taught me, there’s no shame in accepting help, no embarrassment in reaching out in time of need, it happens to us all at some point, And in doing so you find some amazing people , some who just want to share your load, take up the slack in that harness and help you achieve ….sometimes you just have admit your human , have faith in others and just let go ……Stay safe folks and look after yourself xxx

I’ve not been about for some weeks, ..I think I’ve lost my writing mojo, well not lost it exactly ,perhaps just mislaid is a more appropriate word, this does happen from time to time , Mayhap,s my ever mischievous bunny Cinnamon buries it in one of his beloved Amazon boxes .( He thanks you greatly Amazon )…so what bought me back your asking ? It’s odd really , but I needed an outlet for IT! It being this,….a place it could live and hopefully in recording it here, giving it some recognition, the spooked sensation will leave my over tired mind in peace ….see It all began with this dream…………..

The three……it was dark , that deep murky inky blue kind of dark, just moments before it turns into black, yet off someplace in the distance remained, a patch of pale blue sky, streaked with threads of Crimson, Gold and Coral,s ..on a huge platform, something akin to a steel girder stood three people ,

Centre a woman, either side of her a man, in this dream I hovered , levitating just above the young girls left shoulder, I say I hovered yet not quite, for I felt everything with absolute clarity what she felt in that moment, so while being above , I was in fact part of her somehow, joined,. I would like to say I felt fear, yet it transcended this,to become far more intense, perhaps terror, or panic, it was in total control of her body, with that mine too…I was very aware of the wind whipping at strands of hair about her face, it’s coolness, chill…could it be this, that had covered her body in tiny pin prick,a of almost painful goosebumps?, yet at that very same time beads of sweat amassed on her forehead and trickled down the small of her back …it was uncomfortable and she dashed away with annoyance a trickle that has managed to drip and sting her eye .

the loose crochet style poncho top,doesn’t afford any warmth,it flaps about her torso , as she gazed with glassy eyes ever forward into the evening sky , they were fixed to a spot on the horizon, with hers mine were too, both of us aware of the men either side, yet only in a blurred far off way,

I suddenly hear distant crowd voices, hushed, almost innocuous, lacking import, yet their presence a most crucial part of that moment, some pointed upward, others stood eyes raised, they felt near ,all about us, at the same time, a million miles down below , like tiny busy bustling insects, it’s at that very precise moment , I felt something new, something she was bravely trying so very hard to shield us both from….it was the fact we are all indeed high up on our steel girder way above terra firma, it hits me hard,( in doing so her too,

her legs quiver, adrenalin pumping through twinned bodies, hearts, minds spinning as if loose in the skulls, the crowd swims in and out of focus, as I look down among them , but even though i,m looking at the ground coming up fast to meet me, she remains staring forward, frozen, yet wavering in the breeze ….i feel the nearness of the man stood to her left, the same side I’m on, I feel know him, not just know, but feel he means much to us both, I feel trust, a quiet peacefulness about him , warmth amongst the chill , him just being, feeds us both strength ….

His voice whispers through the night air, carrying on the breeze , yet reaches our ears and his words hush the quake wracking both bodies, he cajoled, soothes, calmly imparting the knowledge , that’s already installed within us, I and of course her know our fate, we know the outcome….yet with utter trust in the soft voice we are prepared to take what is that utter leap of faith …

the man stood the other side , has remained in silence, there’s a darkness about him felt, yet unexplainable, he has just an outline no true form,a smoky shadow, no face, but I sense ugly, a malevolence that again we know , yet it’s hidden deep ….I don’t understand why his there, he offers nothing, he brings no solice and his darkness has flooded me with fear, but again his vital ,I sense this….

the quiet voice speaks again, ” you know why we are all here” ” you know what’s expected ” . ” It will soon all be over” I will stay with you until the very end ” ” I can lend you courage,strength, but I can’t do this for you” ” you alone must decide” we both knew there was only one choice, one way this was to be , end….bravely the girl lifted her arms above her head, holding them there for minutes, until suddenly without any notice, she launched herself off her lofty perch , almost as if pushed , propelled , arms still aloft she spiralled ever on downward, eyes closed, shutting out the inevitable,and both our fates , the crowds hushed whispers become louder, intakes of breath , screams rent the air, in what felt a life time , the small figure crashes into the cold dank depths, we swallow lungs full of the freezing water, it burns, shocks, and we fight to stay connected, conscious, as I drift away im aware of two horses and their riders, backs to us, up to their hocks in water, their tails like seaweed flowing in the night tide, it’s then as I leave my body I realise the height was far to far up and this part of river too shallow, we were never meant to survive , I see our bodies float away and there I wake left choking to breathe , the dream so real I expect to look up to see darkness and my companions floating body, my hearts racing and I clutch the covers up about my body for comfort , I can still see and hear , feel everything hours later, and later on while the water from my shower splashed my face , for seconds I was transported and panicked, for moments I relived my night time world ……I Thank you for letting me release it here, where hopefully it will let me lay it to rest , stay well and take care out there xx.

It’s been a bright lovely April spring day here, with wall to wall blue skies,sunshine and quite mild, I ( as is my wont these days) I slept through the most part of it, .But In my defence, I was as usual awake most of the night, we now have developed this very strange sleeping pattern, it has evolved into sleeping in two halves, we have three to four hours sleeping time, like some prolonged Nap,,, then awake for at least another four hours , light refreshments are at this stage required and indeed partaken of , ( Mainly of the Coffee persuasion, with some fruit based product snack , Apple ,banana etc ) we,’ll watch something binge worthy until one or other ( myself or Jesse ) drifts off back to sleep , the other invariably soon follows suit , we affectionately like to call this awake gap half time……this over months now, has become our normal sleep pattern,

On waking we have another coffee or two, breakfast is around British teatime 5pm , Dinner 10pm and so on it goes, it’s funny how we have adapted to this strange blend of two worlds, hundreds of miles apart yet blended, it’s almost like a compromise of the two different time zones, it’s not ideal but works for us and what we have to deal with to be in each other’s lives …

Today our second half of sleep went from around 12:30pm GB time until 4 , where I woke and went out into my little garden to feed the birds, and found myself sat a while, ….the afternoon sun was still although high up, warm , in my sheltered little nook of patio, the fenced off small garden being a wonderful suntrap, I remembered reading somewhere that we should all indulge in fifteen minutes of sun daily, ….Daily with my odd mixed time zones doesn’t always happen, ( many days i am indeed lucky if I actually see daylight)( i,m begining to search for my reflection in mirrors in case I’ve took on bat form) but in the case of this week , I have indeed actually managed three half hour sessions of sunworshipping,

While sat upon my wobbly garden chair , i,m struck by how odd I feel, i,m filled with the strangest torn sensation, of both needing to go back inside and hide in my warm cocoon of a room, and sit there for what’s supposed the good of my health, from minute to minute I have mixed feelings of staying there and letting things pass over me, or that of giving in and returning to my almost womb like enclosure, I opt for not giving in, and sit back , close my eyes and let the sun rest upon my face, …slowly one by one I shut down those anxious thoughts and just drift , as I do, I feel I can partially join the outside world, with it the swathes of blue tits swooping in excited groups , twittering among themselves, huge wild pigeon,s flap their wings wildly at each other , others cooing call,s across rooftops, I become aware of distant voices, children screaming and yelling , enjoying the late evening sun, all kinds of feelings bombard me in my quietness , a sad but sweet mixture of memories of my past and those Rosy hopes of a future …..

A huge bumble Bee buzzed lazily around the borders ( breaking my thought pattern) as she searched for early flowers to visit, or was it that new home to bring her colony , I watched her and marvelled, as the huge fluffy black and gold body took flight on those tiny gossamer round wings ,makes itself airborne, ( questioning the miracle how do those wings hold her up ? I will mostly likely never know the answer) Tiny black ants industriously go about working upon some projects on the warmed pathing and although we are a part of each other’s world for that moment , I can’t help but feel uneasy, this is all new, to me, as I’ve always felt apart of nature especially in the past, those times of deep trouble , Ive been known walk over local fields and woods for hours, Now here I am feeling at great odds with the very thing that bought about great healing and peace,

It’s also day 14 of my healthy diet plan, it’s not going brilliantly as despite feeling hungry I’ve just not the energy or inclination to actually get up and get food, I’ve had coffee, my meds , but food weirdly hold,s little to no pleasure for once, eventually knowing if this is to work I must in fact have something, anything!, I opt for the very easiest of solutions , (lazy answer I know), one of those Naked pot rices, ( they are supposed to be quite healthy) I suppose it’s better than a slice of cake, but hell I know at that very moment which I would prefer, . I eat it with little joy , it is what it is fuel , And something I know I must do along side my other routines, like showering or brushing of teeth, ……since doing this is about that bigger( or hopefully much smaller of pictures) I’m sticking to my guns, I knew by week two certain changes come into place,( I’ve not only hit the wall, I’ve blooming demolished it,

Headaches….. , these are persistent little cusses and pain meds help but basically your on your own, every time I’ve given up sugar and wheat , I go through this for at least a month( sighs), it’s hard, I hate it but I have put this into perspective, it will in the future bring about its own rewards, I’ve seen the proof work for me before, ( it’s just right now, it bloody hurts, she whines lol) ….I also suffer with bouts of tearfulness, depression, tiredness, exhaustion and the biggest dose of teenage acne you have ever see on a woman my age, ( I swear I have volcanic , glow in the dark , boils, and spots everywhere, ( and I mean everywhere) the worst ones are on and around my face and nose though, ( ones leading me to believe i,m blossoming into a unicorn or is that a Rhino) …

This too shall pass , it’s times like this in glad of the bumper cap Jesse bought me while In Anthony Thomas over there, that hides the grease ball my hairs become and the obligatory face mask we have to wear these days hides a multitude of sin( or spots ready to blow at any moment) i have to say it’s not all doom and gloom this week, in the half time section today , I had a text from my daughter Becky ( aka Chook) ( we try to text each day, every day really, to let each other know we are ok , that we love each other) but Becky knowing my odd sleep pattern normally texts in the afternoon,s, . This was quite early, first thought for an over anxious person, is what’s the matter? , Second thought is everyone there ok? , I dread this thought, …..But no it’s not a disaster about to strike , just a text, a normal everyday text , but to tell me I have a package due for my upcoming birthday, ( we live some distance apart, Amazon makes gift sending possible)

I text back , ….is this from Amazon Beck? , the ping comes back, where she confirmed it is indeed, …I text back ” oh dear!!!!!!!” ……she answers “what’s the matter ?”, I inform her I have several packages due that morning of my own , how am I going to tell my birthday package without opening it ?( This was not an excuse to peep) ( I’m very intuitive but seeing through, sealed boxes isn’t a super power of mine, yet!!!!!!) ( that’s just growing boils upon my body that pop upon contact) ….Beck trying to be helpful, then tell,s me it could be in either a large or Small box, I sit on my bed , head hurting and still someplace between sleep and wakefulness, knowing I am expecting vitamin tablets, cider vinegar, underwear, floor tiles, all of which Amazon decide to send in any and all sized boxes they have to hand, ( who hasn’t had that eyeliner wrapped in bubble wrap and in a box the size of my bungalow), I’m laughing now, Jesse looks up still groggy , thinking I’ve finally lost the plot….I explain , I have a package imminent( seven stops away) , in either a large or small box, it’s a birthday surprise to put away, despite being tired we laugh together ,mainly because we know exactly where my daughter gets this from, she’s just like her mother lol, Jesse often sits head shaking , listening to the pair of us, thing is we understand one another perfectly , Jesse just indulges us both with a look of pity , enjoy your Easter weekend, eat some chocolate for me and please be careful out there folks and take care of you xx