I’ve never really taken myself to be a prideful type person, (but In this i guess I was mistaken) you can’t afford to remain proud when you’ve been down to where I have, or can you ?!!!!!!,,. then again I’m still learning about these things,(about myself , who and what I really am, See here’s where i,m at presently,…… my garden is wonderful and a most essential thing for me ,my only access to the outside really., but it is also needed quite a bit doing to it for me to be able to just sit and relax. , it’s a cute little court yard type garden,(easy to maintain one would think right?!!!!) ( wrong wrong wrong!!!!) It’s pretty and has this slight feel of the tropical or Med about it, its a very enclosed private space and is indeed a veritable suntrap ) And I’ve tried hard over the weeks ,months to do a bit here, bit there, so I could eventually, at some point in time , plant it up and do it justice,, but there was this one huge snag, issue, pain in the proverbial garden border!!!!

A huge patch of bright yellow Butter cup,s growing wild under a bushy shrub, not just growing, ohhhhh no. , nay these have taken it to the extreme and were actually looking like leggy great Triffid’s on steroids, thriving, taking over in their golden thug like kind of way. I’ve nothing against Butter cups understand, they are very nice running free in the wild , being back fond childhood memories, ( do you remember holding a bright sulfur yellow Butter cup head under someone’s chin, seeing the yellow reflection and proclaiming ” oh yes you like butter” didn’t matter if they did or not, the Butter cup knew all, So there for it was truth ….

And not that I wanted to encourage the growth of Nettles, Common milk thistle, Plantain, Dandelions, Dockweed, clover, Oxeyes etc you understand,,but these things really didn’t stand a chance., Butter cups were my local boys in the Hood and they treated my little patch of Eden like their turf…. it got to the point, I hated going to sit out there, ( when I did, it was nothing but a constant reminder of things I now find I struggle to do) , I needed to take matter,s into my own hands, take back control, these handful of a the yellow Peril trouble maker,s had to go, it was them or me , and I wasnt budging…, I could and indeed did pull some up,but it just was never going to get it, and in effect just made matter,s far worse, it left them more room to expand their horizon,s bullying less vigorous sedate weeds, ( I began to feel quite sorry for them ….

So while drinking my fourth large coffee, in what was just over an hour, sat at my little wonky round wooden table plotting those said Butter cups demise,,, , And being dive bombed by marauding wasps, Ants crawling at my feet begging for scraps like tiny puppies scampering back and forth to their underground nests hidden in the cracks of my patio,…An idea hit me suddenly( like it does) I plonked down my cup with such a loud resounding bang, as I did i startled a poor foraging hen Black bird busy scarfing up Blueberries, I had thrown out earlier for them, (she let me know in no uncertain terms it was not funny or acceptable!!!!, (doing her best shouty call, she flew off….But I decided to commit myself to weed warfare on these golden headed bloody pest, (I was bringing out the big guns, .(Amazon!!!! ) …I trawled it’s many pages for hours sipping yet more coffee as I was looking at one weed spray after another, (I don’t agree with the use of pesticide warfare normally by the way folks ,incase your looking at screens shaking your head,s)(but needs must) normally I would be opting for the age old method,,, weeding and getting filthy, my first and only port of choice in the past, But since Covid took to moving into my body fourteen months or more ago, I’ve just no energy , ….i looked at a great many named brands of weed killers…..one stood out from the rest, .an environmentally friendly spray ,

it,s blurb on Amazon said it kills weeds within three hours,… ewwwww thinks i,. I can indeed wait that long, after weeks of these monsters rampaging. ,, them sat out there taking over my border, And the supposed membrane that fights off all comers, (like hell! Doing nothing) , this weed was busying itself growing Willy nilly where they thought they would , I ordered my product all excited, in just a few days I’m gonna commit weedacide, in the biggest proportion,s , they would be gone and I could then set about replacing their yellowness with Geranium, lavender, Begonia, Fuchsia,s anything that’s not blooming yellow!!!!, I pictured cottage garden borders, bee,s buzzing , butterflies butterflying , me with my flouncy big lace dress, bonnet , gloves and basket cutting armful,s of flowers for the house (ermmmmmm maybe scrap the dress bit, actually all of that,( to much pride and prejudice) But it was a nice thought ( dream really.

when it arrived , I rushed out in my garden, I looked at that rambunctious bunch of runaway weeds, I chuckled an evil laugh to myself,(wicked witch of the North style) I sprayed every flower, leaf, and stem,twig, I sprayed the soil they called home,(myself each time a breeze hit) I took aim and let that spray do it’s best,it’s worst, And without thought of those weeds outcome,… I was ruthless, heartless, I was marvelous!!! then I sat back to watch the magic happen.

Only it didn’t, ( it never did…)yes in fairness they wilted slightly, (then the very next day those yellow heads stood ,tall and proud to attention, I swear they baited me, I could see them laughing, and once again my garden was their domain, …..I went back to pulling furiously at them, smacked them with them spade, I stabbed at them with my garden fork, I did it all but set about them with a flamethrower, I was tempted and it’s a good job I didn’t have one to hand I have to admit……slumping back exhausted on my garden chair, then in defeat , I retreated and stopped sitting out there, if I couldn’t see them it wasn’t happening right?( Sighs)

Over the coming weeks , I grew more depressed , the garden was my only connection to outdoors, nature, sun on my face, wind in my hair, and wasps chasing me to teach their babies how to hunt humans, …..would the ants miss me?, who was going to bring them their coffee (I like to put some down for the workers, it’s a sharing happy little moment, or feed my Blackbirds coconut macaroons( cooking disaster don’t ask ) as I sat head in hand, a solitary tear of despair trickling , a thought occurred sparked through my exhausted head, it blossomed and grew, much like those blooming Buttercups, And I came into the house and started on it before I could have a change of heart. ( my plan was born.

what was my big idea, then I hear you all excitedly exclaim, ?… .I was going to advertise for Help in my Garden, if I couldn’t tackle the hard work, then I would find someone who could, Words for said add flew into my head, I typed up those words in an eager flurry, I embraced that moment, the finding of a solution an answer to my prayers, And within minutes I had my missive written, I hovered nervously over the publish button for a moment or three, closed my eyes and just did it. The words for the add went off into the cloud and I turned off my tablet suddenly scared, (my bravery vanished)what if no-one answered?, what if I couldn’t afford the going rate, ?, What if ,what if, what if? …..

Hours passed and I went about my evening nervously, until that moment of truth, I turned back on my tablet,! …Almost too afraid to look, I did everything but check my add, I played Facebook games, I trawled for sale pages, anything to delay the inevitable!, But while chatting to Jesse , I took courage as I do from his company and to my surprise,joy and relief, I found replies, just one or two, But there they were, I replied to each, trying to find someone who caught my eye, someone who could indeed work at my side, in harness with me, not take over,

After all I’ve gardened my whole life, since the age of three, now with several health conditions I was unfairly robbed of my joy, And for the first time I held out a hand for help, (hard to admit for me, I’ve always coped by myself, I am a stubborn person and manage ….until like now I just cant…….I wanted someone to help me realise a dream, bring about a picture that until that moment only lived in my head…, It was going to be hard on that person to work alongside me, without my usual interference, fussing, wanting to muck in…it was going to be harder still on me though actually facing up to the fact I needed help , giving in ….

I chose one lady who stood out, not just stood out, but her response ticked every box, she didn’t sound pushy, or wanting to take over my little piece of Paradise, ..I had found I thought someone sympathetic to my cause, someone who would understand how difficult this was for me….when she did turn up, I knew within an instant, this was right, She seemed to pick up, my misery at not being able to manage this project, And we arranged for her to start on the following Monday.

I was at a loss as she worked, I hated feeling out of control, giving up a vestige of my hard fought over independence, I felt part of me disappear forever, slip down the crack,s, of the craggy patio at my feet, …head bent I felt ashamed and broken, This wasn’t Debbie’s fault( Gardener) she was lovely, warm and cheerful, almost like she felt the bubbling up anguish, my sorrow, a feeling of like an old work horse of no use anymore, sadly watching younger ,fitter, horses running in the next field…

we chatted as she worked, weed by weed pulled, dug up, within two hours my garden looked like I had only pictured in the past, Debbie listen to my nervous inane banter, about cats, dogs, gardens, it tumbled out of my mouth, I always talk to much when nervous or feel upset , I admit it cost me dear ( not pocket wise) just to sit back while someone grafted in my stead, it was new, uncomfortable, but something I would have to come to terms with and fast, All my adult life I’ve done everything for myself, my family , my partner, dogs,cats, rescued creatures, never have I relinquished my hold of the reins, come what may, Cancer, Eds, Angina, nothing had stopped me….I had to relearn now, I had even shunned my love,s, help many times because I wanted to do it for myself, now came a time of understanding, it’s not a weakness, it’s not as I’ve been whipped with by past tormentors( lazy) , I was in need, and someone reached out and offered help, She charged far less than she should, far less than indeed could, because what Debbie and indeed Jesse have both taught me, there’s no shame in accepting help, no embarrassment in reaching out in time of need, it happens to us all at some point, And in doing so you find some amazing people , some who just want to share your load, take up the slack in that harness and help you achieve ….sometimes you just have admit your human , have faith in others and just let go ……Stay safe folks and look after yourself xxx

I’ve not been about for some weeks, ..I think I’ve lost my writing mojo, well not lost it exactly ,perhaps just mislaid is a more appropriate word, this does happen from time to time , Mayhap,s my ever mischievous bunny Cinnamon buries it in one of his beloved Amazon boxes .( He thanks you greatly Amazon )…so what bought me back your asking ? It’s odd really , but I needed an outlet for IT! It being this,….a place it could live and hopefully in recording it here, giving it some recognition, the spooked sensation will leave my over tired mind in peace ….see It all began with this dream…………..

The three……it was dark , that deep murky inky blue kind of dark, just moments before it turns into black, yet off someplace in the distance remained, a patch of pale blue sky, streaked with threads of Crimson, Gold and Coral,s ..on a huge platform, something akin to a steel girder stood three people ,

Centre a woman, either side of her a man, in this dream I hovered , levitating just above the young girls left shoulder, I say I hovered yet not quite, for I felt everything with absolute clarity what she felt in that moment, so while being above , I was in fact part of her somehow, joined,. I would like to say I felt fear, yet it transcended this,to become far more intense, perhaps terror, or panic, it was in total control of her body, with that mine too…I was very aware of the wind whipping at strands of hair about her face, it’s coolness, chill…could it be this, that had covered her body in tiny pin prick,a of almost painful goosebumps?, yet at that very same time beads of sweat amassed on her forehead and trickled down the small of her back …it was uncomfortable and she dashed away with annoyance a trickle that has managed to drip and sting her eye .

the loose crochet style poncho top,doesn’t afford any warmth,it flaps about her torso , as she gazed with glassy eyes ever forward into the evening sky , they were fixed to a spot on the horizon, with hers mine were too, both of us aware of the men either side, yet only in a blurred far off way,

I suddenly hear distant crowd voices, hushed, almost innocuous, lacking import, yet their presence a most crucial part of that moment, some pointed upward, others stood eyes raised, they felt near ,all about us, at the same time, a million miles down below , like tiny busy bustling insects, it’s at that very precise moment , I felt something new, something she was bravely trying so very hard to shield us both from….it was the fact we are all indeed high up on our steel girder way above terra firma, it hits me hard,( in doing so her too,

her legs quiver, adrenalin pumping through twinned bodies, hearts, minds spinning as if loose in the skulls, the crowd swims in and out of focus, as I look down among them , but even though i,m looking at the ground coming up fast to meet me, she remains staring forward, frozen, yet wavering in the breeze ….i feel the nearness of the man stood to her left, the same side I’m on, I feel know him, not just know, but feel he means much to us both, I feel trust, a quiet peacefulness about him , warmth amongst the chill , him just being, feeds us both strength ….

His voice whispers through the night air, carrying on the breeze , yet reaches our ears and his words hush the quake wracking both bodies, he cajoled, soothes, calmly imparting the knowledge , that’s already installed within us, I and of course her know our fate, we know the outcome….yet with utter trust in the soft voice we are prepared to take what is that utter leap of faith …

the man stood the other side , has remained in silence, there’s a darkness about him felt, yet unexplainable, he has just an outline no true form,a smoky shadow, no face, but I sense ugly, a malevolence that again we know , yet it’s hidden deep ….I don’t understand why his there, he offers nothing, he brings no solice and his darkness has flooded me with fear, but again his vital ,I sense this….

the quiet voice speaks again, ” you know why we are all here” ” you know what’s expected ” . ” It will soon all be over” I will stay with you until the very end ” ” I can lend you courage,strength, but I can’t do this for you” ” you alone must decide” we both knew there was only one choice, one way this was to be , end….bravely the girl lifted her arms above her head, holding them there for minutes, until suddenly without any notice, she launched herself off her lofty perch , almost as if pushed , propelled , arms still aloft she spiralled ever on downward, eyes closed, shutting out the inevitable,and both our fates , the crowds hushed whispers become louder, intakes of breath , screams rent the air, in what felt a life time , the small figure crashes into the cold dank depths, we swallow lungs full of the freezing water, it burns, shocks, and we fight to stay connected, conscious, as I drift away im aware of two horses and their riders, backs to us, up to their hocks in water, their tails like seaweed flowing in the night tide, it’s then as I leave my body I realise the height was far to far up and this part of river too shallow, we were never meant to survive , I see our bodies float away and there I wake left choking to breathe , the dream so real I expect to look up to see darkness and my companions floating body, my hearts racing and I clutch the covers up about my body for comfort , I can still see and hear , feel everything hours later, and later on while the water from my shower splashed my face , for seconds I was transported and panicked, for moments I relived my night time world ……I Thank you for letting me release it here, where hopefully it will let me lay it to rest , stay well and take care out there xx.

It’s been a bright lovely April spring day here, with wall to wall blue skies,sunshine and quite mild, I ( as is my wont these days) I slept through the most part of it, .But In my defence, I was as usual awake most of the night, we now have developed this very strange sleeping pattern, it has evolved into sleeping in two halves, we have three to four hours sleeping time, like some prolonged Nap,,, then awake for at least another four hours , light refreshments are at this stage required and indeed partaken of , ( Mainly of the Coffee persuasion, with some fruit based product snack , Apple ,banana etc ) we,’ll watch something binge worthy until one or other ( myself or Jesse ) drifts off back to sleep , the other invariably soon follows suit , we affectionately like to call this awake gap half time……this over months now, has become our normal sleep pattern,

On waking we have another coffee or two, breakfast is around British teatime 5pm , Dinner 10pm and so on it goes, it’s funny how we have adapted to this strange blend of two worlds, hundreds of miles apart yet blended, it’s almost like a compromise of the two different time zones, it’s not ideal but works for us and what we have to deal with to be in each other’s lives …

Today our second half of sleep went from around 12:30pm GB time until 4 , where I woke and went out into my little garden to feed the birds, and found myself sat a while, ….the afternoon sun was still although high up, warm , in my sheltered little nook of patio, the fenced off small garden being a wonderful suntrap, I remembered reading somewhere that we should all indulge in fifteen minutes of sun daily, ….Daily with my odd mixed time zones doesn’t always happen, ( many days i am indeed lucky if I actually see daylight)( i,m begining to search for my reflection in mirrors in case I’ve took on bat form) but in the case of this week , I have indeed actually managed three half hour sessions of sunworshipping,

While sat upon my wobbly garden chair , i,m struck by how odd I feel, i,m filled with the strangest torn sensation, of both needing to go back inside and hide in my warm cocoon of a room, and sit there for what’s supposed the good of my health, from minute to minute I have mixed feelings of staying there and letting things pass over me, or that of giving in and returning to my almost womb like enclosure, I opt for not giving in, and sit back , close my eyes and let the sun rest upon my face, …slowly one by one I shut down those anxious thoughts and just drift , as I do, I feel I can partially join the outside world, with it the swathes of blue tits swooping in excited groups , twittering among themselves, huge wild pigeon,s flap their wings wildly at each other , others cooing call,s across rooftops, I become aware of distant voices, children screaming and yelling , enjoying the late evening sun, all kinds of feelings bombard me in my quietness , a sad but sweet mixture of memories of my past and those Rosy hopes of a future …..

A huge bumble Bee buzzed lazily around the borders ( breaking my thought pattern) as she searched for early flowers to visit, or was it that new home to bring her colony , I watched her and marvelled, as the huge fluffy black and gold body took flight on those tiny gossamer round wings ,makes itself airborne, ( questioning the miracle how do those wings hold her up ? I will mostly likely never know the answer) Tiny black ants industriously go about working upon some projects on the warmed pathing and although we are a part of each other’s world for that moment , I can’t help but feel uneasy, this is all new, to me, as I’ve always felt apart of nature especially in the past, those times of deep trouble , Ive been known walk over local fields and woods for hours, Now here I am feeling at great odds with the very thing that bought about great healing and peace,

It’s also day 14 of my healthy diet plan, it’s not going brilliantly as despite feeling hungry I’ve just not the energy or inclination to actually get up and get food, I’ve had coffee, my meds , but food weirdly hold,s little to no pleasure for once, eventually knowing if this is to work I must in fact have something, anything!, I opt for the very easiest of solutions , (lazy answer I know), one of those Naked pot rices, ( they are supposed to be quite healthy) I suppose it’s better than a slice of cake, but hell I know at that very moment which I would prefer, . I eat it with little joy , it is what it is fuel , And something I know I must do along side my other routines, like showering or brushing of teeth, ……since doing this is about that bigger( or hopefully much smaller of pictures) I’m sticking to my guns, I knew by week two certain changes come into place,( I’ve not only hit the wall, I’ve blooming demolished it,

Headaches….. , these are persistent little cusses and pain meds help but basically your on your own, every time I’ve given up sugar and wheat , I go through this for at least a month( sighs), it’s hard, I hate it but I have put this into perspective, it will in the future bring about its own rewards, I’ve seen the proof work for me before, ( it’s just right now, it bloody hurts, she whines lol) ….I also suffer with bouts of tearfulness, depression, tiredness, exhaustion and the biggest dose of teenage acne you have ever see on a woman my age, ( I swear I have volcanic , glow in the dark , boils, and spots everywhere, ( and I mean everywhere) the worst ones are on and around my face and nose though, ( ones leading me to believe i,m blossoming into a unicorn or is that a Rhino) …

This too shall pass , it’s times like this in glad of the bumper cap Jesse bought me while In Anthony Thomas over there, that hides the grease ball my hairs become and the obligatory face mask we have to wear these days hides a multitude of sin( or spots ready to blow at any moment) i have to say it’s not all doom and gloom this week, in the half time section today , I had a text from my daughter Becky ( aka Chook) ( we try to text each day, every day really, to let each other know we are ok , that we love each other) but Becky knowing my odd sleep pattern normally texts in the afternoon,s, . This was quite early, first thought for an over anxious person, is what’s the matter? , Second thought is everyone there ok? , I dread this thought, …..But no it’s not a disaster about to strike , just a text, a normal everyday text , but to tell me I have a package due for my upcoming birthday, ( we live some distance apart, Amazon makes gift sending possible)

I text back , ….is this from Amazon Beck? , the ping comes back, where she confirmed it is indeed, …I text back ” oh dear!!!!!!!” ……she answers “what’s the matter ?”, I inform her I have several packages due that morning of my own , how am I going to tell my birthday package without opening it ?( This was not an excuse to peep) ( I’m very intuitive but seeing through, sealed boxes isn’t a super power of mine, yet!!!!!!) ( that’s just growing boils upon my body that pop upon contact) ….Beck trying to be helpful, then tell,s me it could be in either a large or Small box, I sit on my bed , head hurting and still someplace between sleep and wakefulness, knowing I am expecting vitamin tablets, cider vinegar, underwear, floor tiles, all of which Amazon decide to send in any and all sized boxes they have to hand, ( who hasn’t had that eyeliner wrapped in bubble wrap and in a box the size of my bungalow), I’m laughing now, Jesse looks up still groggy , thinking I’ve finally lost the plot….I explain , I have a package imminent( seven stops away) , in either a large or small box, it’s a birthday surprise to put away, despite being tired we laugh together ,mainly because we know exactly where my daughter gets this from, she’s just like her mother lol, Jesse often sits head shaking , listening to the pair of us, thing is we understand one another perfectly , Jesse just indulges us both with a look of pity , enjoy your Easter weekend, eat some chocolate for me and please be careful out there folks and take care of you xx

So for the last two weeks I’ve decided in, either my boredom or as I prefer infinite wisdom ( first option is the most like) to really improve my health by checking my diet, ( well it’s actually more like a healthy eating kick,,,, Salads , veggies, absolutely no bread( I’m a celiac for goodness sakes ,so that always should be out of bounds,, no sugar , definitely nothing that tastes anything remotely gorgeous or halfway decent,hereby I am i,m surprised to be saying doing okish , i have yet to fall off the proverbial wagon , (although there’s still time for this and i have felt myself needing to tighten the seatbelt a few times to keep me on from a soft landing, into a passing cake,

It’s great having a diet buddy with you 24/7 , it’s impossible to cheat even if one felt inclined, being together all the time prevents midnight snacks or crisps falling into my mouth , but I’ve made my mind up and there to an sticking to it, I have gained some weight, as have many of us long haulers, ( we are all unsure why , and considering not much stays in my stomach this is indeed hard to take, most I believe is fluid retention, most of us having very swollen legs and arms…, but I accept its not all, … I grown sick of looking at myself, and with this comes the avoidance of anything mirror which I hasten to add is not always possible😁 , nor can you shut your eyes each time you undress, kind of makes things difficult,. So after eating up most of what I had left in the freezer / fridge/ and cupboards, .this left me with that huge craving for fresh veg, Salads and healthier food in general.

So I’m going to use this to get me started on that right road to a new improved me, I’ve done this once before, March 2020 the bloody Covid struck and with it extra Lbs, …( A very unwanted free gift) But least wise I figure I do know what works for me , nothing’s totally lost right ?, …I buy slimming world dinners, which in my mind can’t possibly be good for you 😁they taste wonderful and fill my relentlessly hungry stomach, also have my salads and a freezer filled with vegetables, fruits I’m afraid limited, my only real weakness is coffee which I love with that nice ample spoon of honey . ( 😔, this too eventually will have to go , sighs

Anyway last Thursday I bought one of these vegetarian healthy meals, they looked ok, well as ok as you can tell from the packet, but then don’t they always ?, I should have learnt long ago to not for (1) shop hungry, …(2) most packets lieeeee!, But it was spaghetti Bolognese right? , how bad can it be?

Friday night I found out!!!!!!!, . I was hungry, after just a green salad for my lunch, I had spent that day I salivating, as I thought of a huge plate of rich ground veggie mince in thick tomato based sauce , covering a mound of comforting pasta, …I kept busy doing anything and every to occupy the mind off food, and my upcoming meal, finally that night it was time folks! …I pictured my meal and drooled,..I couldn’t wait another moment, …it’s hard enough waiting for the microwave , you know those endless minutes, that honestly do really feel like torturous hours , watching the plate turn around and around , until that longed for ping!…..and let me confess, I have never ever waited that extra minute, or two after, hell no (that’s just the manufacturer’s idea of fun in the instructions to torture the life outta you isn’t it?) It’s not truth I just know it! .

I happily took the long awaited meal out of the luminous dayglo green sleeve , And from there my dears it was all very rapidly down hill ( what’s up Treez your all now asking?) well let me tell you, firstly I looked down at at the portion size, I would not have been happy feeding this to a small very mouse( I am indeed a good eater, I love food) the sauce part being a very strange glowing orange colour, the pasta part looking like just several strands of tangled droopy insipid colourless yarn, I felt immediate disappointment, then darn like bursting into tears, I had looked forward to this thing!!!! all day, I had worked myself into a food frenzy, an orgy of food porn, a cacophony of cravings, it had not left my mind in fact all that very day , and now here I was left like a bride on her wedding night and no groom( don’t ask how I know how that feels).

But I thought ok , let’s not let first impression,s take over, maybe it’s indeed a very nice tasting tray of glow in the dark orange gloopy stuff that resembles doggy do!, I stabbed the plastic film viciously( I swear I heard the physco music) put it in the micro and slammed the door purposely, that thing once nuked may have escaped and attacked me. I went back into my bedroom , figured this should be a safe distance if it mutated, exploded or grabbed me by the throat, And I’m still not sure if I was happy to hear that ding or just plain afraid 😨, but I returned to the crime scene,( I mean kitchen to find it hadn’t grown legs or started making its way out by itself,

I plated up the Orange Brown mess and stabbed it soundly to be sure of its actual demise, I swear this thing moved of its own volition, no it did . I took that first dubious mouthful and can honestly say it tasted exactly as it looked , it was vile, …..not to waste it or be thwarted I added , tomato sauce, Worcestershire sauce, pepper , any thing that I had left in my cupboards in the vain hope it may improve this molten steaming mess upon the plate before my eyes, ….even the pasta section of this vile ensemble, did no more than resemble real honest to goodness noodles, it had a taste I can only describe as like licking wood chip wallpaper,( yes I have done this😳,

I ate the glutinous mess, mainly before it ate me, but as I did I had dark thoughts of its revenge the very next day, And I didnt in fact have long to wait either, this my dears is a cautionary tale of what looks to good to be true , is indeed a pasta vegetarian dish and to be avoided at all costs or served wearing goggles, haz mat clothing and paramedics on standby, I’ve eaten a few micro meals over the years but this seriously was indeed the award winning worst, …..maybe that’s why it’s healthy , it’s so bad you can’t or won’t eat it and lose weight ……got it 😁, whatever you have planned for your evening meal folks may your palates be sated and your stomachs filled, stay safe out there and take care xx

Since the past week, came and left without so much as fizzle never mind an actual bang!!!,Really it has been one very strange week, ….Sleep being that still ever illusive creature, that I’m convinced the whole world enjoys except me, I believe if I had ever got round to count sheep as often as I’ve been directed while laying awake, I think not only would i be on New Zealand,s or even Australia,s woolie population by now but Peru,s Alpaca population, I mainly give up trying nights now and watch Britbox, listen to music or both some occasions, we were watching The coroner this week, well I kind of indulged ,while Jesse slept a while, laying listening to songs that I had freshly downloaded, I slowly drifted in and out of a restless sleep for a few minutes at a time, it got a bit spooky when I awoke suddenly ,there was a character lying dead and Bruce Springsteen sang away in my ear oooooooh ohhhhhh ohhhhhh I’m on fire!!!!!!, for the briefest of moments I thought it had turned into some Macabre musical….on fully waking I remembered though …..

Until this morning I hadn’t bought any groceries for over two weeks,opting to use food I already had in my stores, I’ve become quite used to strange and new ways of using up things in my freezer or cupboards, last night,s delectation was a slimming world Lasagna, which I can’t even remember buying now , could it possibly have been a carry over from the lady who owned the freezer previously, ( didn’t know and if honest it was food so really didn’t care) but in any case it was hot , tasted okish for one of those diet microwave cardboard meal,s, .least wise you could eat it anyway ….I broke down late last night or early this morning ( I’m unsure anymore ) but I craved fresh green crisp salad, I could taste the crunchy leaves, peppery Rocket, sweet Gem, Spinach , Cos and strands of carrot, beetroot. my mouth watered at it,s mere thought, I’m not ashamed to say I caved into its seductive call,(I know only I can be seduced by a bloody lettuce leaf) ….I hurriedly ordered four big bags of salad leaves, tomatoes, carrots,beet,s, tiny garden peas, peppers and bananas , Anything remotely green, remotely fresh, when in my basket before I had time to rethink.

While there though I also ordered a small Gammon joint to make Bacon and pea soup, plus some fresh chicken, ……I had missed fresh food so much , everything being of the microwave persuasion, tinned or packets , when sleep allowed ,I had actually dreamt of big containers of every kind of salad leaf you could imagine, but it was always just out of reach , oh yes it was salad porn and I awoke hot sticky, left weak willed n wanting…..so I feel no shame, or regret at my giving in to temptation despite having enough food in for another week(with yet more inventiveness that is), I arranged for it to come at 6 am!!!, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the bags and tear each pack open and feast on its goodness, ( plus it was the only delivery available others being much later or the next day, I was NOT!!!! Waiting another moment than necessary)……I had just dozed off and it was indeed morning and I was still picturing that day,s repast to come, oh sweet sweet salad of mine !!!!!! ……

As I lay in the no man’s land of sleep and semi comatose , I dreamt I heard a loud banging sound, Firstly thinking it was on the program we had left on, or Jesse moving about, I snuggled further down covering my head with my fleece blankets, but no there it was again!!!! , but this time only louder and more urgent, with a purpose, …..it finally penetrated my sleepy muzzy head, without thought , I clambered out of my bed still rubbing my gritty eyes to investigate, Was Cinnamon ok?( My house bun) Bunny,s thump their hind legs to warn their Warren of any imminent danger, was the house on fire? , had the log burner self combusted , burst into flames( with my luck this was and indeed is possible , I could never get it to light for me but burst in flames, yeah I could see that !!!, no matter I was going to find the cause of being rudely awakened) …..as I walked out into my living room , the cold laminated floor sent shocks through my bare feet, waking me up totally from any remaining sleep that was clinging bravely to my mind, I looked up to see a dark silhouette outlined at my front door, still rubbing sleep, and dare I say any vestige of last night’s make_ up from my eyes, . I was greeted by a far too cheerful Iceland delivery man for half past night time, ok 6 am.., I think I grunted some form of greeting at him, well I could have.., one can never be sure. Taking the proffered bags , I thanked him, wished him a good night ( he looked at me quizzicaly as i shut the door quickly, leaving behind it a very bemused chap and the cold out there with him , I’m only so glad, I had out pj,s on and hadnt gone to bed in vest and knickers as usual. (I have answered half asleep like this before)

I put away my precious cargo of green leafy heaven, and while doing so made myself a huge mug of steaming coffee to warm myself up from the dawn’s chilly air., As I walked back into my room I fully expected Jesse to still be asleep, But the knocking had even stirred him, he sat his eyes half open trying to peer on his phone for emails, …..with coffee safely perched on my bedside cabinet, I clambered back under the nest of still warm blankets . I tried hard to let sleep over take me, but despite my best efforts it wasn’t to be,

I gave up showered , dressed and got ready for the day to begin, after cleaning out my bunny, making sure the kitchen was tidy , I sat and relaxed a while playing my games , but I tired of this soon enough and wondered what mischief I could find to get myself into, Sun’s rays warmed my room and spring has been calling me out to play for days now, Dressed just as I was ,( huge baggy shirt, legging,s I decided to go before I could talk myself out of it) I hurriedly shoved on my shoes, grabbed my wallet and keys, And began to stroll down to the Lidl , it’s only about five minutes from my home, Buds are appearing on trees and shrubs, Daffodils trumpeted in the coming of a new season, life is begining again( and I had be blissfully unaware), my eyes that have barely seen the outside in a year, now drank in hungrily everything around me.

I made it to Lidl , ( nothing remarkable your thinking, but it was for me, since the long haul Covid, symptoms have taken its toll on my health, with it away any fitness I had, again nothing remarkable, but just two years previous, I had gone from virtual cripple too much pain to move , to a long long journey of losing 50lbs and walking upwards of six miles daily, I had built it up over many months of exceptional hard work, now move to where I am today , the struggle badly to catch my breath, walk for five minutes, or be without seeing distance of a bathroom.

On making it though , I decided to go in to buy some newspapers, one… so I could read them , two..for Cinnamon,s cage..I put on my mask first , the heat greeted me as I walked through the doors, it was busy , noisy and I found it difficult to be around so many people, it really was a huge shock to my system , all in used to us seeing the odd delivery driver weekly, ( but not even that in too weeks) I wasn’t panicky , but felt odd …..But then In two years I’ve lived alone , with only Jesse to keep me sane ,( his finding it a struggle LOL ) . It’s ok this self isolation malarkey but it’s sure a culture shock ,when I leave my bungalow island , there’s people everywhere yah know 😲😲😲😲😲,

It’s a very rare rare thing when I can say it’s a Tuesday and I’ve not done a thing food shopping wise online, this is my second week, so far I’ve survived ok…., I hunt down odd scraps of food at the back of the freezer ,fridge or food cupboard, ….last night I found a box of battered frozen fish lurking suspiciously , I dragged it out of its hiding place,( ready to kill it if need,s be) but when I poked it at a distance with a fork, there I ascertained it was indeed very dead, i slapped it on my foil lined baking tray and waited twenty minutes while it cooked, I was unsure how old the fish was and couldn’t actually remember when I bought if I’m truthful, ( but it was frozen still, sort of )(and not glowing luminous green) so I shrugged my shoulders and hoped for the best,

This my friends is one dangerous game ( do not try this at home) specially if your stomachs like mine( I pray no one’s anywhere is like mine though) …it cooked, smelt ok ( this being the age old method of testing of course) ,( here,s a little thought, can you imagine cave men walking up to dinosaurs legs sniffing them before their kill, don’t think that would end well 😁, ( I add my fish to some plain rice , spinach and a wilted bowing spring onion I gathered from my cupboard then settle down to eat it! ( all be it a tad nervously) ….for Dessert we had an apple, (by the saying of we I’m not getting all posh on you) I mean myself and my Desert island bunny buddy, he never lets me eat alone, that said, it’s a good job his vegetarian because I think even he would have given the fish course a miss…

Earlier today I had a Narn bread I was given weeks ago, I dripped a few drops of water on it, threw it in the microwave for a few seconds and it was soft again and like new, I made a dip of Greek yogurt, mint, I would like to say finely chopped cucumber but it was just chunks , (I’m dangerous with sharp objects , . This was a tasty lunch and kept the hunger at bay, I washed it down with two large mugs of hot coffee was happily full,

I’m not sure how long I will be content with my isolation on Bungalow island and indeed more importantly how long my food, milk, coffee and sparkling water supplies are going to hold out,. already I’ve noticed that things are looking rather sparse, That said Cinnamon has enough food to feed a large bunny colony, including treats ….( But for now it’s an interesting experience and maybe one day of some great scientific interest lol) who knows, I struggle at times with the loneliness, especially late at night, it’s quiet , well kind of, except for my elderly neighbour who tends to bang about next door , ( at one stage I was convinced he was building a staircase to the non existent upstairs, but this is just the way my sleep deprived brain works right, maybe it’s a space Rocket ?) but apart from him, the odd fighting cat , sounds of traffic it’s spookily quiet, and with that hush my mind runs free, ( I mean it’s always been a bit wild, a handful and I’ve had to chase after it on the odd occasions, but in the deathly quiet darkness, just you and the many room,s of your mind for company, it’s one very long night,

I’ve decided to be proactive though, and over the last few days I’ve scrawled a kind of garden map as to where I’m going to plant out some flowers, more important though fruit and veggies, ( ok I wouldn’t win any awards for architecture or road mapping, .it looks like some lines with circles, names like sticky half dead bush, large freaky prickly bush thing, Bush thing with a bud on , very dead tree plant,,. Not sure yet wether to break out my crayons and pencils and colour it in , but for now this seems above my head and way too ambitious, …Jesse bought me some Green beans seeds called lady Di, plus for the sheer novelty factor these climbing purple beans, the green ones do come with instructions at least, where as the puple seeds it’s all going to be guess work, good job I know some about gardening, (like you have to dig holes and plant things and which way up the go, but first grow them in small pots) I can do this right?,

I intend to grow strawberries, herbs, anything basically I can acquire the seeds for, it’s hard at the moment , what with Covid and lockdown . I’m nothing if not stubborn and will find a way , tonight,s supper will be pea and ham soup , not so sure how much ham is in this , but yes it’s certainly pea green, kind of like pond algae , moves like it too funny enough, but I shall be fed until bedtime ,where hopefully my night mares will be replaced by dreams of large slices of rampent cream cake, scones, iced buns, or generously topped cheese cake….sighs …anyway take care my friends and stay safe out there xx

It’s approximately 4:46 am, and I venture to say it’s Sunday and here lay again wide awake , while the rest of world sleeps soundly, I’m writing this , . Debating with myself wether I want to go to the effort of making a coffee, so far it’s an even debate, 50/50 for and against, And while I whittle away at the hours of darkness , Britbox playing merrily away to itself on my tablet, sitting proudly on its platform I went to great lengths to make , it’s a very specialized affair you know?, ..ok it’s An unpainted canvas perched across an open bedside cabinet drawer ,it kind of works and off course can disappear during the day , my rooms compact and every thing in it must have at least two purposes , even the full length mirror works as a card holder, it’s at the moment home for the two cards my daughter made and the one Jesse sent me for Valentine’s day, ( I can’t bring myself to put them away yet , much like the semi deflated balloon that may be just a bit wrinkled, going down rather rapidly but it still sits up in one corner of my ceiling, almost like a guard, it stands in those brief moments I may actually drift off in a nightmare fever filled haze of restless sleep, …

I normally come up with some unoriginal title or another for these wee missives of mine by now, but this one could well and up title_ less ( is that even a word)?, Here we go again another question that will go round and round till dawn, ( I may well break down and Google this) (( Hey Google has began ignoring me you know, worn her out) ,Anyway I’ve something i,m very excited about, if you’ve managed to make it through other messages of great doctrine importance, I’ve written, (or blogs to the rest of us mere mortals,) you will know how I’ve mentioned in more than a few lines on the odd occasion( ok whole paragraphs) about me and my little Amazon habit and how I’ve longed to go cold Turkey, (break myself of this) ( mmmm Turkey) ( food being yet another weakness)….I’ve tried in the past weeks and failed miserably, (shopping in general being another thing of mine) well folks i,m officially over well over that first week ) its 7 days , 5 hours and 33 minutes since my last purchase ..( More by the time I publish)

And not only can I proudly boast this, but I’ve not bought any food shopping either, everything i,m eating was already here in my stocked cupboard, I’ve eaten some very peculiar concoction,s, but to this end I’m kept fed( who knew, raw spinach, Pastrami, and yogurt dressing was a thing, tastes really good in a wrap folks honest give it a try) or there’s ready brek, ( kind of instant micro porridge ) with which I add sultana,s and a blob of raspberry jam, (this is delicious and not only that its so filling) ( I find I don’t need to eat for hours after), I have apples , ( although getting a whole one never happens, my house bun companion insists on his share , he loves pink lady apples best, although a Granny Smith isn’t to be sniffed at and most acceptable, ( I’m thinking maybe trying a red delicious variety, next in the vain hope I may yet eat the whole apple) it’s got to the point I think they grow in halves, . Wouldn’t mind myself and Jesse made sure Cinnamon has a well stocked larder, there’s every kind of dried herb, fruit, grass a bunny could dream of, but still I’m haunted for my meager rations, I’ve tried creeping on tip toe , but the second I go near the fridge or fruit bowl ,his up on his cute hind legs, head slightly tilted and like all animals without a word spoken, I hear ” oh your having food, what a marvelous idea I’m in need of a slight repast ” ” his a very well spoken rabbit you know” LOL

I feel quite like a modern day Robinson Crusoe here alone on my little bungalow island, not seeing or hearing a soul, unless I go into my back garden to hang out the wash to dry(or rain chicken as I like to call it, a novel little game for these climates( here in England we have six weather conditions an hour ) ,anyway the games where you leave out your newly sweet scented laundered clothes for as long as possible before the heavens open, not for the faint hearted) this is made extra fun as I now have to use the conservatory door, instead of my bedroom door, ( further located and allows for the rain to win ( no fair advantage ) ( but yesterday I won, I got three lines dry, ( crowd roars and cheers, id do a lap of honor but that may involved the paramedics after) As I begin to peg( pegs for our young folks amongst us being an ancient clothes attachment thingy for washing lines before dryers were born) out on my line,s of brightly coloured undies ( almost like XL bunting ) to blowing like sails in the breeze( I’m now praying they don’t shoot off the line make for freedom and end up on an unwitting passing horrified neighbours windowscreen as they drive by, ( swear my bloomers will block the whole screen and most of the car). anyway its one of the few times I hear real human people,s voices , that do not exist in tv land, ( not now seeing my little Amazon driver , or Iceland, Asda, Morrison’s drivers,( food delivery) (also my only concession to socializing) I’ve never seen our postperson ( post magically appearing around noon)( shoved rapidly through my post box) so oft there’s weeks I see no one.

Jesse has bought me some beans and tomato seed,s today that I may begin planting up my island( mean bungalow garden) the garden like my house is tiny , I’m not sure I can become self sufficient lol, but hey I can at least achieve the odd green bean to grace my plate, or cherry tomato for spinach salad, thinking of buying some fruit bushes, ok maybe the odd strawberry plant, ( you can get white strawberries now) I’m having to wait for those till I have my Shop thing in hand, one thing I have actually had fun doing, is filling my Amazon basket with plants and emptying it again, ( I know, but it kind of gives me a fix, I’ve done this at least three times daily, there is a point to this though , I will end up with only plants I really need, She says lol, …..

It’s now 4:20 pm and after just two hours of very fractured sleep i,m not even slightly tired, ( could be the coffee) the cold wash I was treated too, or just the memory of another nightmare haunting my day, whichever I’m here not even a nap in sight, sun shining through my broken patio door and my mind giving me a thousand orders a minute, ( you know you could be breaking up those Amazon boxes, ( from previous Amazon fixes), Maybe get that freaky hoover out and run it about , don’t ask I swear that thing hates me, ( no it does) ….pull some weeds out of the garden, but no I lay here drinking gallon mugs of hot delicious coffee …..it seems infinitely more preferable, as I do i think on about my earlier venture to wash up, I took in my clean clothes , and as I went to put on clean undies , I kid thee not two moths flew out of my pants, 😮, I think this sums up my life right now folks, I will now spend the afternoon wondering what the hell were they doing in there, ? Don’t think I care to dwell …..anyway enough from me , take care of yourselves and be careful out there 💗xx

So it’s Wednesday, well that’s is at least what I’m led to believe, and I only know this due to how crazy my days are panning out thus far, but mostly I believe it’s Wednesday with a touch of Friday, maybe a wee bit of Saturday just for good measure, you,’ll have to excuse me see it’s been one of those weeks, in fact it’s been one of those weeks since monday( sure your all nodding right now , because you all know the ones right?) ….it’s my monthly long haul every symptom come out to play time, . There’s me thinking I am passed the age of monthly things, but every month without fail since March 2020, I end up feeling like I’ve flu, throw in an explosive stomach, fevers, headaches of the like,And I,m begging every god for the return of my old days of migraines , ( And I dreaded those ) . Rashes that have me rolling and rubbing my back up my bed like some flea ridden mutt , it’s joyful,

I took ownership of Cinnamon bun,s( my house bunny) new palatial mansion monday, it’s a sight to behold, ( I had this built specifically to his highness,s wants and needs) and no finer finish for man or bunny you’ve ever to see , I swear it looks good enough to be a piece of furniture, Same day i went out as usual to feed my birds only for the back door to decide it wasn’t going to shut , there I am pleading with it to co operate, cajoling, sweet talking , this damn stubborn door , I only wanted it to listen to my heart felt plea, to close!! It’s not difficult. , in the end I resorted to words of a whole different language, this also would not persuade the stubborn article to shut,( voice raised arms waving i,m getting excitable , higher pitch to my voice) Jesse is sat in phone land shaking his head,and by now wondering who in the heck I’m talking to, but his not surprised when I tell him I’m talking to the door, poor man doesn’t blink an eye, he has got quite used to my talking to anything that will listen, especially things that have no choice , like inanimate objects, pets,my tablet, flys etc, I had to lift it up the door in the end and close it at the same time, onto a winning streak, I locked it hurriedly before it changed its mind , I half expecting to turn my back, to find it grinning at me mischievously and completely broken off laying on the bloody floor, the wind , hail and rain pouring in., I’ve no clue what,s occurred as up until then it has always worked perfectly well, but like I feel some days the older one gets bit,s have a habit of falling off.

I hoped upon hope next day that it had been just a one off thing, fluke, but as I gingerly opened it, the hope died and again I had to lift and pull to shut, I’ve decided the birds are just going to have to wait to be fed, I’m not , and I mean it , I’m not going out there, ! .the birds have since set up a dirty protest, I hear something akin to second world war fighter pilot,s call out, “Going over target,s now ” ” target at six o’clock release, open bomb bay doors” “Roger , Wilko over and out” wished the two Tom cats had been out there fighting at the time….( But no they wait till it’s night) And that’s another thing that crossed my mind as I lay awake, you know one those questions that refuse to leave you alone in the early hours?. Well mine is ,why do cats wait till it’s pitch black, dead of night, no sound what so ever, to do that blood curdling cross between a baby gurgling and me trying to singing opera , it’s an awful sound( and the cats) but it fills the night air and spooks the hell out of you….

To top this off, I ripped off my toe nail in bed that night, it’s completely gone, and I only stretched on wakibg, it caught on a blanket ,and well there was a bloodbath, this is so me, as a child I constantly had cuts , grazes and bruises. that was yesterday, today, your not going to believe it, I’ve broken the same toe, ….I went to light the wood burner and slammed the toe hard against the surrounding wood , there was a crunch , I felt sick and there we go, ….then we had the flush over flushing on the toilet, don’t ask about the plumber, but I really feel I would have had every right to hide under the covers this week until it was over, it is nearly over right?!!!!!

But on the up side I can proudly announce I’ve not done any shopping on Amazon since last Sunday , I’ve been tempted, filled my basket numerous times only to empty it, I’ve not done any food shopping either this is a record and I’m after at least another week on Amazon , food shop I may break down and do, but if the week carries onto next week , I may well crack, will let you know …take care all and be careful out there x

Yah know the good thing about burning the candle at both ends, you pretty soon learn how to do it without burning your fingers…( Neat trick ) ….I lay awake the whole night again, just me and my rabbit waiting out the hours, listening to howling winds , lashing rain up the windows, until the very first lines of azure blue break through the darkness, Rabbits you know are remarkable watch dogs, firstly as you are aware they have the ears for it lol, Secondly when they hear any strange noises or something different ,they thump the earth in their tunnel to warn fellow bunnies, ( well Cinnamon being in his bedroom that has a solid plastic flooring which when he thumps reverberate,s throughout my house, I swear the whole of the county hear it, the other good thing is bunnies are nocturnal, ( maybe I’m part bunny? 🐇)

Today even the morning light bought little relief, and so began the many treks to the kitchen to fill my trusty red kettle , then for the waiting for it to boil begins, it’s a sly devil (I tell you it actually hates me, no it does !!! ) if I stand there waiting for it to boil and need a bathroom visit badly , that thing sits there grining taking forever, yet if I put it on and walk away( even for a second) it’s done and goes cold, it’s a conspiracy I know it, through out my night time vigil I watched half of britbox varied selection, starting with my favourite, cops whose name I never can spell let alone pronounce, (but here goes, don’t say I don’t do anything for you, Delziel and Pascoe) the episode we selected, I think was ripe for a drinking game, nearly every line had the word Ball,s!!!!!!! in it, ( just glad I wasn’t drinking coffee for every mention, one more and my poor red kettle would blow a blooming fuse , and two I know my ceiling needs a good paint without me needing peeling from it, ( but it made me chuckle along and I forget my troubles a wee while.

Midsummer Murders, White queen, Shetland followed in quick succession as did more coffee, in the end even Cinnamon began giving me the evil eye, the light went off and on that frequently ,think my neighbours must have thought between that and the constant drift of smoke from the log burner I was trying to communicate with either Morse code or smoke signal, I placated an irate cinnamon with a slice of Apple and some spinach before going back to my room, Jesse still asleeping soundly in phone land never disturbed thank goodness.

I gave up at 6 am, trying to catch any Zs, they were more elusive throughout the night, than flowers from an ex, ..so I got up, showered, the caffine by now verily sloshing away in my veins, and at six thirty I’m giving my 70 year old neighbour a very loud rendition not so true version of Relax by Frankie ….I swear my bodies only just realised I’ve stopped swaying to my poor execution of said song and ceased its jiggling, (if their was any huge numbers on the Richter scale, I do humbly apologize to all,

I dressed in clean fleecy pjs, retrieved my bin that had broken free and taken itself off for a morning stroll in the breeze, (I say breeze lightly like we do here, it’s actually more of an angry gale out there,) I just got in the door when the heavens opened and rain beat the windows mercilessly ,(quite like a Madame whiplash cracking her whip joyfully), it sounds almost like a dull roar upon the conservatory roof, but I always enjoy that sound, it’s strange but as loud as it is, it hush,s my over sensitive nerves and I then go about cleaning my kitchen molified , calm,. kettle quietly bubbly, washing machine fills, and cinnamon munches on dried herbs, I sigh to myself knowing , I survived intruders, fevers, galloping diarrhea , my minds best endeavors to un_nerve me and another sleepless night,, I celebrate with yet another large coffee and another hour of the bountiful Britbox !!!!!!.

While out on the kitchen , I saw two eggs that I had been meaning to eat all last week and didn’t quite fancy!!!, ( I still don’t !!!!) .hating waste I scramble the eggs via my matching red microwave to give to the birds, Yes you can stop looking horrified, sweet cute little birdies really are raving cannibals, their cuteness just hides their true inner selves, .I add to this a selection of fruit, bread, seed, lettuce, and they are having a better diet than most humans, …I go out into the howling wind just to feed my starving feathered friends, (she has the morning food boys, news loudly hits the air as soon as I walk out the door , from the large tree a few doors down, And they flock to gather, quite literally sorting out their pecking order as I fill their feeders , I feel I’m being supervised now! ( and I wonder am I doing this correctly as they stare on, or are they sizing me up 😬

It’s only as I’m filling the feeders , that I realise mud is begining to sqelch freezingly up between my once showered toes, ( yet again I walked out in my normal bare foot, fashion ,( oh well), …. After rolling up my pj bottoms and showering mucky feet, I lay watching my birds feast, the early March sun breaking through to warm my room, my peace , only finally disturbed by the Amazon driver who now has become so familiar, I’m thinking of asking him to give me away when myself and Jesse marry, …he smiles hands me my parcel, and that my dears is the extent of my peopling for a Friday , ( today’s delivery another huge sod off padlock and hasp and staple for securing my shed( it’s only full of half dead boxes, but their my boxes so there!!!!) it’s a tiny little box compared to the huge thing I was given monday, That box being nearly as big as this bedroom, ( it’s contents my latest addition,s to my knickers collection, (yeah I know , sighs, just can’t help myself, ….But( no pun intended) on reflection i,m now wondering should I actually feel insulted,???? (what is Amazon saying about the size of my drawers, ? No do not answer that on a postcard !!!!, …..stay safe my friends and be careful out there xx

So as we all now know, I’m at best a light sleeper, ( that’s of course when it see,s fit to happen at all, ….Every nnight our routine is to put something on Britbox to watch till we both fall into a stouper and z,s fill the air both sides of the pond. The night before I had been extremely restless, ( mainly due to the fact my garden had been broken into at some point the night before) And with my history, i was too nervous to settle ( I’ve programmed myself to hear every little sound) nothing falls under my radar ears, (comes from being a mum at one time who had little ones to listen for) Even when morning came I was far too anxious to sleep, what sleep I did manage was at best in slots of ten minute intervals, which is exhausting and I find if I’m honest worse than nothing ….So last night I lay awake after an initial half hour doze,

It was super windy here and I heard loud bangs and crashes throughout the night,,,for someone with my history , living alone this is terrifying, I can’t begin to describe what goes through ones head, every little sound, set off sparks of additional adrenaline zinging through my vains, my nerves such, I could hear my heart race, I’m jumping out my skin, every kind of emotion runs one after the other, my PTSD mind loves to play it’s games,All I want is to curl into a ball and cry, I’m deeply upset, scared and also angry, ……it’s a reminder of the damage done to someone when they have suffered abuse, I hate the feeling of my weakness, that vulnerability,

I’ve always been a tom boy kinder person you see, I have dragged myself out of some pretty dangerous spots, I rode trail bikes on mud tracks without a care for my safety, took onboard abused horses that were left so mentally scared they would lash out at anyone, nothing ever frightened me, So this I hate, this is foreign territory, and I don’t know how to deal with it, …my instinct is the same as always now, I’m hurting , I’m afraid , and like most animals backed into a corner , I come out snapping , I won’t let anyone comfort me , talk about what’s happening, it’s a reflex ,knee jerk reaction, one that in my past helped me survive, i,m waiting for those I love to turn on me too, so I don’t let them in, I withdraw, hide in those deep dark catacombs of my head to wait it out, Jesse knows the drill now, his seen me retreat within myself too many times, he never takes offence, and has learnt to wait till I’m ready to share….I can’t explain this fear that eats at me, that strips away the humour with which I normally see my life, ( another survival thing I believe)that new found vim and vigour his helped me find slowly over the years just vanishes , that spirit I once took for granted was slowly growing and returning ……all these emotions run raw and are tiring on that of a healthy body, on one that spikes fevers nightly from Covid long hauling, it depletes and leaves me trying to run on empty , feeling ill…..

I lay in my bed for the longest time this morning, too exhausted and wrung out to speak even, I had in fact I think slept a while at day break, but even my dreams were haunted and disturbed., after an hour of staring off into the distance, going to the bathroom forced me to move, while there I showered , dressed and decided to tackle taking out the trash, ….when I did, I couldn’t help but wished I hadn’t ,

A largish section of the perimeter fence was down, instantly , adrenaline serges and I’m shaking , I cannot control the quakes that hit , . The fence had been neatly laid one section ontop of the other, this was outside my Garden , And I did no more than try to prop up the pieces to try to fill in the gap, it was useless but instinct wanted me to secure my surroundings, do something, anything, again anger reared its ugly head( and folks I hate this emotion , it does nothing for me, doesn’t serve any purpose) but I’m angry I never learnt any DIY skill, I’ve no clue how to repair fences and that really messes with my head, ( never being allowed near power tools, or actually so much as a screw driver, where does one start. But I did what I could, then one of those fabulous coincidence,s happen, two lovely folks I met through getting Cinnamon his own custom built domain made, got in touch out of the blue,

Firstly I think In my same old pattern, ( I will be a bother, I couldn’t possibly ask them for help, I barely know them right?,maybe it’s asking too much) I battle this out in my head, conflicting arguments take hold for half hour, then I take the bloody plunge and just ask?, I hate it, I feel useless, a burden , but I also knew I couldn’t face one more night unsecured, I felt violated enough, I needed help, And did that rarest of things and reach out to someone via text , And bless their hearts within the hour, not only the husband arrived , power tools to the rescue!!!! , but his wife, think she knew from my garbled text I would feel better with her added presence,

It was a quick neat job and my fence is most likely up more secure than ever and the best bit was I met two amazing people, life gave me one set of skills , that was how to survive , tell my who to be aware of , it never taught me how to reach out and accept help, to indeed just hold my breathe and trust, … This is yet another skill to learn ….take care folks and be careful out there xx