Tag: poetry

Dear Breezy ole Diary …

Monday 3rd of November

For the last three consecutive nights I’ve slept long, deep and sound,(almost unheard of) waking only just long enough to flick the switch on an ancient water heater for the next days hot water…I have this down to a fine art these days, waking an hour or so later, stumbling from my bed out to the cupboard, fumbling about for the switch, and all this still 90% asleep 😴 ..this is also not remembered the following day, nothing ever is before BC…(before Caffeination countdown begins in earnest …

This sleeping malarkey is something quite new to me, normally I will struggle along with 30 minute increments, interspersed with intervals for the odd bathroom break, washing up, kitchen engineering (ok cleaning, but kitchen cleaning sounds mundane even when it is undertaken at 3am…🙄😁, yeah I do this, it’s a thing honest, . Even one extremely painful swollen knee fails to keep me conscious😮, it twinges enough to jolt my eyes open, I look down at it with some disdain, tell it too bloody go B off before sleep claims me once more, and there’s such lucid dreams to be had…Wow!!! if anyone wants to become my ghost writer i,m sure we can create a new best seller between us,😁, On at least more than one occasion I’ve been tempted to grab popcorn before the next instalment begins…😁.

This morning whether it was the extra hours shut eye, boredom or just nothing more than the usual bout of seasonal cabin fever, I made up my mind to escape the confines of the flat, foolish or otherwise, the Weather blowing up a hoolie, rain threatening to create merry havoc, my knee by now big enough to enjoy its own postcode, still the outdoors called seductively upon the breeze, and me being a mere weak willed woman, I’m easily seduced😁, Dressing for warmth, comfort and ease, not caring if the over sized shirt hung off me, or the black hoodie looked two sizes too big and could quite feasibly double up as a fair ground Marquee…(I would however soon live to regret this decision ..

My destination ….the local Asda, the reasoning behind such, shrugs shoulders!, Oh hell I don’t know!, I’ve no clue why I do these weird wacky things, I just know I do, I’m the one doing them, I can’t be expected or bothered to comprehend the where’s and why fors now surely😁, …With no more than a cup of hot coffee for inspiration, I left the relative warm safety of the flat…released into the wilds yay!!!…I would love to say I gambled off into the breezy morn, like a new born spring lamb, but anything further was the truth, I hobbled off in the direction of the nearest shop, my trusty shopping cart groaning under the extra pressure of me leaning heavily for support, wheels squeaking loudly under protest, we set off about our way….Wagons roll!!!….well shopping carts anyhow.. 😁

I won’t go on about the pain levels(yawn)😴 Or the fact it radiated down from the knee to my ankle or that I had once read this really informative article about how cursing verbally could help with pain…So there I am deep in glorious experimentation mode, with this new information, Trolley squealing enough to set off every local hound to howling within the vicinity, Me swaying back and forth like a well infused drunkard sailor, stumbling home after a heavy night at the inn, Uttering away expletives of the likes, My dear sea going best buddy would have been only too proud of…I think I’ve even come up with some rather delectable new ones of my own!😁, by the time I was in full practice, it was early and thank goodness mostly deserted…(Until of course it wasn’t) ….One poor lone lady dog walker came up upon me of a sudden bless her, I was by now in mid flow, yelling down at my now throbbing knee, “oh really can’t you just bloody bxgger off for more than two minutes, You poor excuse for a Puss filled Camels Arxe”!!!!!!!,….She looked at me with this mixture of horror and disgust written acrossed her face, muttering “well really”, “Come along Steven”, pulling at the lead of rather large splendid Grey standard poodle , he trotted along behind her, looking back, with what I liked to think a somewhat amused expression😁, …It wasn’t long before though between the pain, one thick fleece hoodie, mild conditions, sweat began dripping down my back, it was with an agitated arm, that I also wiped it from my brow onto my sleeve, even so it had made it’s way gradually down my forehead and finished up in my eyes, stinging like ffffffff Theresa!!!! erm for goodness sake …😁 sorry folks! ……

Destination….

I did to my credit eventually reach my goal, no mean feat or knee(sorry) when you just want to turn for home every step you take…..(now I have a Sting song playing in my head)…sighs!, Anyhoo after getting to the shop, I remembered what drove me there in the first place,….a local charity shop…yeah I know, absolutely nothing at all to do with the Asda🙄, ….But as with all things Treez related, this particular charity shop was in fact closed on Mondays….sighs of course, so Asda it was then…..

After a pleasant enough interlude, picking up the odd bargain along the way, I made for a slow walk home…divesting myself by now of the thick fleece jacket was a massive help, I found concentrating on my surroundings also took my mind off my pain, I had no intentions of going about my usual walk around the local park, but deep down I knew it was a sure fire way to lift my spirits, there’s just something about the ever changing colours of Autumn trees right now that feeds my imagination.

The ground still wet under foot from The heavy rain the night previous did nothing to deter me, the wind by no w increasing in its Velocity, branches creaking, swaying in the pewter coloured sky, clouds skudding in the distance, even with winds speed, it blew warm, delicious upon my over heated skin…I’ve always loved windy days, I can’t express why, but I’ve always felt this need to be outdoors amid it’s power and excitement…it’s another of those things if you know me you take for granted.

In the park there’s sections of tall bushy leylandii hedges, that offer seclusion and a modicum of protection from the prevailing winds, there when the sun breaks through, despite it now being November, theres still a warmth to be found, I decrease my pace, taking full advantage of clean warm air, breathing deeply of its pine filled sweetness. Beside me in the undergrowth of shady shrubs and trees, it is alive with rustling leaves, being turned over and disturbed by industrious black birds, searching for that mornings breakfast, Blue tits flit vigorously amid the now half naked branches, their plump little bodies darting vivid colour, they are within feet of me, not bothered by my presence in the slightest, it’s either I don’t exist in that moment, I’m seen as no threat or they allow me brief entrance to their secret world …whatever I don’t question it, just feel deep gratitude…and at one with mother nature however momentarily…

The Sky darkened from time to time, maybe a promise of rain, or another empty threat, I take little heed, because I want to sit amid this unfurling drama about me, finish charging my batteries before the walk home, I find my bench,my place.. Just to watch the clouds race across the sky, their colours ranging from soft Doves wing grey infused with pale lavenders, edges of silver, brightest white, patches of cobalt blue push through, have you ever noted how many shades fill one winter sky ? It’s stunning…as are the black headed terns, who dance , twisting about each other on thermals, waltzing to the music of the breeze, their snow white wings glow amidst the grey backdrop, their excited calls to one another renting the air, I’m captivated by their swooping low over the ground, before soaring, gliding the skies on invisible strings….I sit here undisturbed, still getting dizzy on nature’s gifts,

The wind grows stronger as I begin the slow walk home, it’s playful in my hair, tustling it over my eyes, tickling my ears, leaves fall about me, spiralling down in circles before landing, only to be blown in great piles at the base of trees, swirling about the ground, creating a delicious crunch beneath the feet, I can’t help but love this time of year, some think summer the most colourful, to me Autumn and winter give it a run for its money, well enough of my Gassing I’ve Christmas cards to throw together, you think I’m joking 😃😃😃😃😃, no I’m really not..if you get one of my odd creations you,ll understand fully…Anyhow folks take care of you, and stay safe out there…💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💜💜💜💜💜💜x

Dear Diary from within the meat locker 😁

Someday _Sundays

Originally I opened my eyes around the 4am mark, Say originally as I drifted someplace between sleep and non committal wakefulness..Being a Sunday though I waited until my body and brain fell into some kind of full cooperation before attempting to leave my nice warm bed, I only have this vague recollection it’s Sunday because I’m staring bleary eyed at the picture on my new calendar ,… Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, promptly smearing any remaining make-up across my cheeks, the call of the kettle finally wins over any fear of stepping out into the icy blast of the apartment, I swear this place has a whole different eco system… I bravely tiptoe across the room trying frantically to keep as much of me actual foot off the floor, fully expecting to see gambling white Artic Hares, or Eskimo,s waving to me as they fish through ice holes, that’s ice holes folks not to be confused with others holes😁….

I impatiently wait for the water to boil, eventually the kettle comes to a shuddering silent halt, I pull my baggy pale blue t shirt down around my legs trying hopelessly to stop them changing from a subtle blue hue to a rather attractive shade of violet…i fail dismally. hands shaking I manage to leave a perfectly round coffee circle upon the steel draining board just attempting to get some coffee into the gaping great mug top…it looked like a crop circle just in coffee form really😊,…I am at this point too cold to argue with myself and clean it up, placing my hands gratefully about the now warm mug, I take it back to bed to thaw out….if you think at this point I embellish for any purposes, I’m kidding ye not…..three mornings, the other week I checked my thermometer to find temperature,s from between 5 to as low as 3c….take into account it’s 1 outside 😲, twice I’ve seen my breathe as I’ve yawned….no that’s not dragon breathe either….well it could well be with the amount of coffee I consume…..

I did have plans for the day ahead, which as the morning wore on, I knew without any shadow of a doubt would have to be firmly posted to the back burner… A pain flare was in full force, whether from the cold, an EDS thing or just because…whichever I’ve little clue, I rarely if ever succumb to these no matter it’s longevity or severity…that day I had not the energy or stubbornness to carry on so I lay reading late into the day, when I finally gave into a restless sleep and pain meds…

Friday night spent with Eowyn….

With storm warnings posted all over, facebook, and the local news for over a week, One could hardly be off knowing about it’s impending visitation, that’s unless of course you live in a two up two down igloo someplace off in the wilds of the Artic….oh hang on I do😁, But seriously that Friday Evening Jesse had fallen asleep early, I left to my own devices had been happily ensconced in bed watching numerous episodes of a new Nordic noir I found, quite oblivious to everything, …As the last episode finished, I realised how quiet it had suddenly become around me…. But quiet isn’t the word im searching for though, silent wouldn’t even begin to describe this…. But have you ever experienced the sensation where you feel isolated completely alone, i can only liken it to Your that last woman standing😊, the very last human survivor…I turned off my tablet, laying back against my numerous pillows, closing my eyes all the better experience the sensation about me…I comprehend fully it was night time, not many people are going to be around ect, but this felt different somehow, I felt suddenly unsettled, skin tinglingly so, …getting up I looked out the living room window, there was as yet no signs of the forecast storm…But then I looked back to another evening, another storm, The infamous 1987 one, it had been somewhere Around midnight, and I was taking my dogs out for their last bathroom break, there also I had been struck by how unusually quiet it was, barely a breathe of breeze, the trees completely still, I stood looking up into the sky, the moon had had a magnificent lilac halo, silvery clouds scudding by it at speed, yet still nothing at ground level…then also I felt that odd sensation, like an electric current passing through the very air…I can remember remarking to a lady walking home that evening how odd it felt out…I wasn’t to know just hours later we were about to experience one of the most destructive storms in our history…that was until the news was full of it the following day….like then also storm eowyn made he’s presence felt…I read we are due another time in the next few days…people are already out emptying the shelves at supermarkets, Anyhow enough from this old windbag, 😁, whatever your upto, stay safe, take care and look after you….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Pocket watch….Dear diary

As young child I remember back being somewhat fascinated by a thick gold linked chain that stretched in a loose swag from a button hole of my Grandfathers black waist coat, into a small shallow pocket…looking back I thought how it must of been attached to a very prize possession, because it was always so very highly polished, gleaming in the light, being of that era where a small child was seen and not heard, I never felt brave enough to enquire into what it was, Grandfather being rather tall and thin of stature, I felt very much in awe.. To me he seemed also somewhat stern and unapproachable,not so sure he was actually, because all big people(adults seemed the same 😊 , But that was only my take on things.. This day though while clutching hold of my Dads hand, eager to make good our escape before the big person felt a sudden hunger and saw me as a likely snack….I had a vivid imagination even back then…., we were Saying our goodbyes at the end of a very dark hallway near to the front door..he must have seen me eyes drawn to the winking gleam of the chain…A rare smile heightened his drawn lined face, hes wrinkled calloussed hand, reaching in slowly to his waist coat pocket he withdrew what to me was one of the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, what light there was bounced off the elaborate scrollwork and feathery Pattens across its case, I held my breath as it hung there spinning about on its thick gold rope like chain, capturing not only time, but reflection as it danced, I was entranced, but even more so as Grandfather pushed down a button upon the top, where it flipped open suddenly, to reveal a white face, three black hands with one perfect red ruby by the number six…I gasped as hushed notes began playing, a tune, which to this day I can never remember😊, but as he held it up against my ear I heard it’s ticking,,,, it was alive!!! …..From then on in I was always going to have my very own one day (it’s what I now know as a fob watch) , My own time capturing treasure….. , recently I relented….now Sat constantly at my side hangs a black fobwatch. And it’s all mine!!!!!!!

There are nights I struggle with sleep, laying awake for hours, an endless silence crashes in on my every thought..it’s deafening with yet another long stark cool reminder….I’m alone!, …..what I do next for a modicum of comfort may seem odd to some, mayhap something quite peculiar,. I take my fob watch from its regular hanging place beside my bed, slipping it under my left ear..its black filigree case hard, cool to touch,. But when I hear its ticking, that small clockwork heart beat, sounding out the seconds, minutes, hours as they evaporate from night into new another dawn…. Metal internal cogs turn slow but constant, it’s become an instant comfort, a reminder of another time, another far off place, where my head would rest upon the warmth of another, listening to a similar beat, a beat that also made note of time, a time where I felt cocooned in a silken protective layer, far away from the outside world, one of warmth, safety, home, where monsters that lurk in shadowy nooks and corners of the troubled mind are vanquished….it’s as near as I can get to a return to that moment…close to when I felt protected…and more importantly both mind and body resting…

Furtively I look across to check the phone, seeing if Jesse sleeps, he does, so secretly once again I slip the watch under my left ear, it’s been a nightly occurrence of late, (habitual) for as much as I try to turn my small bedroom into a place of calm, tranquillity, with teddy soft yellow fleece throws covering the single bed, candlelight flickering and dancing sending aloft amber warmth across the cool white walls…all my favourite things surround me, but as I try to recreate a safe place, a haven…it’s not here… it’s never here!!!!, And I’ve craved escape from the darkness that’s ever encroaching my mood, it’s like housing a bee hive in one’s brain, feeling their fluttering, hearing their constant drone, waiting for the sting …it’s relentless, endless, what’s more I cannot create a retreat physically, it has to be mentally, until I find the answers inside myself, there’s no escape ….depression is a fickle beast, one of cunning in her depravity, once it’s sharp claws and teeth have hold of their 1lb of flesh there’s little one can do …. Just ride it out

Endless mind chatter pursues both day and night, even dreams are not sacred, they become fractured patterns of past, present and make believe, seen through kaleidoscopic eyes,. .. I know for instance that I’m more inclined to feel the need to chat around these times, talking shuts out the endless droning words of cruelty…that inner bully,, If there’s no one around to talk at😊, I try to immerse myself into one of the many books I may read during the course of a week, as I’ve said often in the past, there’s a grand secret pathway of liberation via the authors written word, Some come with time machines that whisk you off in a mere moment to other century, becoming your own time lord,😊…, Others have exotic climes and places,,,whichever it happens to be it’s freedom from ones own thoughts,… I devour the words, page after page, hungry for that departure from life, living all too often vicariously through the characters lives, those being infinitely better than my own😊….I don’t see them as trapped between the covers of books, they are adventurous, fearless with endless possibilities, all the things I cannot be at this present juncture ….

Never were books more important than this week, daily the skies where almost black and heavy with still more rain, Cabin fever hitting me more often than I would like, although I’m virtually house bound it’s good to have the option to get outdoors, should I so choose, I rarely do but I’m contrary like that…I just like to know it’s there😊, so far this week, I’ve read four books, using the pull of each as a bribe, I can read more when I’ve vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, made food…it prevents the screaming blacks(depression ) from taking over completely, I refuse to be suffocated by its density…it’s my wee fight toward light…it’s where my pertinacious works for me, wading through swamps of the depressed mind is fearsome, I’m oft scared I will get lost permanently, unable to find my way back…but while in recovery from my latest battle, I use words as my shield, whether souced from one of my favourite songs or penned by a brilliant author, story tellers…I’m deeply grateful to both at these times….them and my loved ones become the warm glow of the brightest candle, my guides ….they will never know the gratitude or love I feel……enough chatter from me folks….stay warm, stay safe, and look after you, because your amazing….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻