For years I had carried around a crumpled piece of gold paper, Until it became too worn and creased, the words upon it now unreadable…those words back some twenty odd years ago, had struck a chord deep within me, I carried the paper about in every jacket pocket I wore, it acted as a kind of talisman to ward off the evil Panic attacks that hit suddenly, especially anytime I ventured outside my front door. I was safe, I had my piece of paper, I could touch it, it was real..unlike the lie, the threat of instant deathly panic attacks bought.. The wording on it?, Simple but effective…”Remember today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday”(Dale Carnegie).

For the other thinker that exists within me, these words bought a modicum of comfort, I’m always running off worried about tomorrow, next week, next year before today’s barely even begun, It can’t be helped, it has always been such, and I’m to old to change now😁, I’ve missed out on so much worrying the days away…And Sunday was no exception, I knew only to well Monday bought with it, a doctor’s appointment, and I really didn’t want to go…there was no reason, nothing bad was about to happen, but my frame of mind wasn’t right, yeah I know when is my mind right ?😁…But each time I go I’ve been sent from pillar to post, seen one specialist after another, each department not knowing what to do for me…I don’t blame them I don’t know either😁, Yesterday I had to visit a musculoskeletal disorder specialist…I had trouble pronouncing it never mind anything else..but after a lifetime you tire of the endless doctors trips only leading to more disapointment, ….,

But I woke up early, one needs to you know, if your going to get a really good amount of anxiety steam up, add one icy cold shower, Two XXL coffees so strong you can hear my cup pleading for mercy two counties over, yup anxiety levels ✔, (I’m nothing if not professional you know folks,. On my bedside organiser sat a bright yellow post it note it glares at me constantly, just to remind me of the obvious(why do we call them that anyway?, Because we don’t actually do we…post it I mean, anyway theres the hastily scrawled words on one side, Cab booked for 10:40am Monday, least I had got it together enough to pre book it friday😁, minor miracle right there!. I sit doing my make up, the clocks hands seeming to spin round at a quick smart pace….why oh why does it do that, it’s not decent ?…

Without to much ado I’m ready and waiting for my cab, which turns up promptly at 10:40 am, I receive a text letting me know it’s sat outside, I like that!…stops me running back and forth to the window every minute checking, Ok it really doesn’t but it sounds good !…I clamber clumsily into the back, and immediately begin chatting the poor drivers ear off, we discuss anything from bulk buying shower Gels to the Biden crises in the USA, (well I do)…there’s got to be a link there somewhere im sure, oh one of those segue thingys,🙄, When ones fully locked and loaded, caffinated up nervous to boot, this mouth has no limits and a mind of its own, ..I hear Jesse sigh contentedly as his finally getting a well earned break, peace at last😁, im sure theres times he longs for my batteries to wear down….think energiser bunny on speed and you’ve got me🐇.

The journeys quick and quite unremarkable, And as the driver pulls up outside the doctors surgery, I happen to glance up at the flashing clock upon the dashboard, oh it’s only showing £10 that’s not so bad…until I look again and see it’s actually showing just a few more noughts…like in the region of £10,000, worth!!…now it was a nice journey and we could possibly argue it came with thrown in added counselling …but it was only ten minutes total, that’s a whopping £1,000 a minute…erm no, …my driver laughs nervously and apologises profusely…it’s not really that he says horrified look upon he’s face…Well thank goodness for that, I begin to feel my bank card tremble somewhere in my RAF wallet, I don’t posses a fraction of that…the driver looks back and tells me it is a more realistic £6, much better!!!phew…I had envisioned for a brief moment me washing their cars for the rest of my days.

After a brief visit with reception…I try talking at them but with a two inch sheet of thick glass and a phone glued to her ear it seemed from indication I was encouraged to take a seat…I spend half hour or so locating one as physically far away from my fellow waitees as possible (without taking one outside of course 😁…Having no immunity and being the local virus magnet is not a good combination…I finally hunt my chair down, it’s one of two right up against the waiting room wall…I can see the doors and the whole room from my vantage point…I get comfortable to do my favourite thing…people watching.

At first there’s just me and two others, they are contentedly staring down at their phones, necks cranned, (these are no fun!!!!), But I don’t have long to wait before a mother comes running in at some speed being dragged along by two young unwieldy children one in each hand, Mum herself only looks a few years older, damn I’m getting old 😁🙄, They sit not far from me, the boy tries to make instant contact…a cheeky shy smile then he’s back hiding…I find myself grinning back…can’t help it..the little girl whose adorable sits on mum’s lap, going in for the strangle hold about her neck…(I will call her Gertrude for the purposes of this missive) ..The boy we will call Tobias (oh yes I like it)….Anyway little Gertie since coming into the surgery has had her index finger quite firmly implanted up her left nostril..seriously it never left her nose once..mean while Tobias is already forming a very effective climbing frame in the centre of the room using chairs..it looks fun I’m tempted to ask could I play…when this stern warning glare, (enough to evaporate you into a pile of ash) from miss reception comes me way, a don’t you dare kind of look…I look away instantly before I’m turned to stone…Little Gertie finger still firmly encased, Is now off mums lap, (mum can finally take a breath now she’s not being strangled)…Gertie decides to read a nice leaflet about heart disease and erectile dysfunction…I’m not sure this is quite suitable reading for a two year old but kids are forward these days now right?!, Mothers now free to check out her phone…am I the only without a phone glued to my hand…hmmm, Gertie goes back for more information, have to give it to this girl she’s obviously more well read than most adults..maybe it’s the whole finger up the nose thing???…I look at my index finger closely, taking a sly look up under my fringe at reception dragon..(I mean lady)…she’s shaking her head in warning…damn she’s good!!!….

Fed up with his ever growing construction, Tobias is now turning his hand to plumbing…it seems the wall radiator needed some adjustments…not to be outdone his sister takes a break from reading about men’s plumbing to help her brother, heads together in a huddle, they are in close discussion, it looked serious there for a moment, maybe it’s curtains for the radiator😁…Tobias quits turning the knobs, and begins kicking it…havnt we all done this at some point….works with car tyres so why not?…Gertie tries the slapping it thoroughly approach and when that doesn’t work an ear splitting scream might!…not achieving their goal Tobias thinks it’s time for tools, grabbing plastic leaflet holders, leaflets nicely carpeting the floor now ….(seems we have part time jobs in interior design also, We begin soundly whacking the offending radiator to within an inch of its life….and I look on confounded, no one there is infact batting an eyelid…including Helga the reception dragon…I go to get up to visit the ladies and maybe join in with the percussion session…in an instant her head shoots up from the computer screen and looks my way, i sit back down quickly I,ll hold it I think….

Just before my name is called out, I see little Gertrude valiantly grappling with a walking frame, dragging it over to where Tobias is by now using mums umbrella to poke the radiator soundly…I don’t want to go in to see the doctor..I want to watch the next upcoming YouTube sensation on how to do radiator repairs at home…but I can’t Helga is looking my way again….so I follow the doctor in. Sighs….

Throughout my talk with the doctor, I hear the banging and crashing now re- commencing in full swing…the musculoskeletal ….oh bone doctor turns to me at this point and asks what is going on out there?, I look at her straight faced oh just some engineers repairing the radiator…she looks at me somewhat confused, I wasn’t about to tell her, would you?….We go on discussing an on going treatment plan for my EDS…she was lovely, very honest, admitting there really is nothing apart from physiotherapy long term…but I already knew that…I have however got to go for a bone scan at some point….oh for joy!. But I thanked her for her time, least someone was doing something…that’s a start…Maybe I should visit Gertie and Tobias,s clinic…I’m sure it’s only a matter of time….😁

As I walk back out both Gertie and her brother are running full tilt inbetween the chairs and patient’s alike, knocking over anything in their path….I worry for Gertie finger still, firmly lodged up her nose, what if she falls?, will her finger lodge up even further forever !!!!!, worse still break up there, doesn’t bear thinking about 😮😮😮😮😮😮,. But as I look back after walking through the automatic doors, I came across a theory(a light bulb moment if you will) maybe just maybe, little Gerties finger is in fact a USB cable, it’s her power source, She’s all plugged in💡💡💡💡….I look down at my finger again….I’m outside by now huh whatcha gonna do now!!!…Miss Helga Medussa Macangry face Dragon lady!!….I jump visibly as a loud rap comes upon the glass behind me…shes only seen me!!!!!….however it was in fact no more than wee Tobias getting my attention and waving an enthusiastic goodbye…..him and his little sister had made my day if they did but know it….. Anyway folks enough from me, I hope your all making the most of the warmer weather…enjoy while you can. It will probably be winter again next week😁 …take care of you 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜