My pre wake up, wake up was originally around 4:30am, this being the third time of the night, I had been somewhat rudely awakened either by screams or someone shouting off in the distance, bed covers were somehow up and entangled someplace around my neck, although my legs were left bare and freezing, the rest of me was soaked through to the skin, heart pounding until it hurt against my chest …I looked about the room, fully expecting to find monsters of my dreams hiding in the darkened shadowy corners, lurking, Of course there was nothing there, logically I already knew this to be true. But trying to reconcile that with the not fully conscious fear induced mind is monstrous hard…Pulling my favourite blanket around me tighter I began working on my breathing, counting each breath as I went.., in through my nose out through my mouth, just breathe Treez!…Im thankful for years ago and learning yoga breathing out of an old book of my sister’s those many moons ago…At the time I never really gave it much credence, if honest, like most thinking it mumbo jumbo, in that moment though i was most grateful, having something other than the constant replaying of the visions before me to work upon, doing anything is proactive, plus useful for calming my speeding heart…as I awake fully, I know the screams that I had heard in the night, had been none other than my own, almost animal like in their terror…During the day I can control my reacrions to a certain extent,where as at night my subconscious digs deeper within the unexplored confines, regressing, finding out old buried weakness and plays them on loop….As I move about throughout that day,i have the smells, sensations of being touched and the voices around me for some time, it’s not till much later I realise im being over vigilant, scanning my surroundings constantly, my ears listening for any slight noise ….but at least now I’m wide awake….

I read,then watch an episode of a latest series on prime, anything to stave off further sleep, at 8am the darkness makes way for a shiny new dawn and although my head is still full of oneirism, I take comfort in my self inflicted routine, cold shower, hot coffee, work on the kitchen, laundry…these are boring, mundane, but I find I need this for now..I take a comfort from it….even though the Sun’s rising, the sky the most beautiful cobalt blue, I check the front door several times, it’s locked, I know it, but is it?, I question myself, or was it just a memory of locking it on previous days……i feel the over whelming need to indulge this…I push down the cold brass handle until it won’t move any further, the red and white candy striped string holding a line above the lock ring out almost in protest….but I know I will check this again….

I take a hot coffee back to bed, no plans to return to sleep, but I feel already depleted, it’s still early and there’s a real Autumnal chill in the crisp clear air, As I sip the syrupy(extra honey for shock😊) delicious hot drink it goes a long way to revive shattered nerves, as it’s warmth gives me that welcome hug, I form a stilted plan for my day….I will plant out the large yellow netting bag of mini daffodils, the same ones I had brought back in the beginning of September., Visions of clumps of golden trumpets nodding in the breeze next spring made me smile…..envisioning it and getting off ones mahoosive derriere to bring it about, are it seems two different things,(funny that😊) I know if I don’t knuckle down to the job fairly soon, the bulbs will go green alright, but not with spikey leaves, just a lovely growth of powdery mildew,🙄 no glorious golden swaying heads there then….😊, i tell myself it will be good for me, therapy outside in the sunshine, but persuasion be thy name coffee…I need another if I’m going to do hard Labour splitting rocks in the salt mines😊….ok stop the dramatics Treez, your planting Daffies for goodness sakes, not doing punishment, so why does it feel like it then….?😁

As the kettle comes to a shuddering halt, steam circling the chilly kitchen air, I’m all at once encased with the need to hear a comforting friendly voice..it’s overwhelming in its power…I require something or is that someone to help chase away the still visiting horrors of the night previous, I need to connect with a loved one, as one hand surrounds the comforting warmth of my coffee mug, the other bits the green dial button for my daughter,, knowing without a word leaving my mouth, she will sense something is amiss, there’s that bond as old as time itself between mother and daughter, as her laughter fills my ears it drowns out screams, not just the sound of it, but the physical ….I feel my shoulders relax, the high alert I’ve been unconscious of drops down a peg or two as does my over response to outside stimuli… There’s that whole safety in numbers thing at its best, I’m with my pack, my clan, I’m ok!

After hanging up, I feel an instant return to unease, it’s palpable, a cold loneliness eats away at me , Here I know I have to fight it, So taking the yellow net bag of Daffodil bulbs from the hiding place of the cupboard, plus a small trowel, I venture off out into the brilliant sunshine, I cannot sit myself upon the ground as it’s still wet with that mornings dew, kneeling is out of the question due to my knees, So with my back near to breaking I begin the odious task of bending to dig the holes, the grounds filled with bits of jagged stone, brick and broken rock, so whose idea was this again?, that’s right Treez it was in fact yours Genius!!!!!!!!😊, but as mutter curse words under my breath digging each pain staking blooming hole, I feel the warmth of the sun across my back, dirt fast becoming impacted in my once clean and tidy nails, feeling somewhat repugnant but glorious at the same time…I love feeling this sense of disorganised achievement, at one with nature, it’s silent healing, despite the aching protests of long ago atrophied muscles I get enjoyment from my Labours, looking forward all the while to a host of golden Daffodils, where now stands a Barron plot….50 bulbs later, I can barely straighten my back, my knees swollen and my head aches but the sense of fulfilling the task far outweighs the effort….still the night before hangs over my head, I’m glad to go back in to the safety of my confines, I lock the door and go make a cup of Ginger tea…happy in the knowledge later that day that I had successfully won at least one battle , by 4pm that afternoon I fell into an involuntary exhaustive sleep…did I dream ?, The sleep was so deep I’ve no recollection of doing so, sometimes my body takes over from my overly tired mind, bringing relief even if it is just temporary, it knows best…….I was once questioned or was that interrogated by someone in authority, who sat and stated that my transgressers of the past had not physically done myself any permanent damage….I and those that live about me would wholeheartedly disagree …although there’s no longer any scars, bruises from the physical or mental abuse, look within a survivors troubled mind for even a second and you will see the daily battle commence from waking that morning until exhaustion won’t allow us to carry on….it’s there written upon our hearts, minds and souls, with permanent ink……..whatever your up to this dull wet day, take care of you, stay safe until next time 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜x