Tag: life

Believe you can and your halfway there ..Theodore Roosevelt…Dear Diary

Monday…

I love the above quote, it’s so appropriate for me at this moment in time, well anytime really, As is also his Man in the Arena address, given on the 23rd of April 1910…I have this enlarged, framed above my bed…One constant and wonderful reminder that no matter how difficult life can seem for you at times, all the while your here, showing up each morning there’s a chance, a chance for things to improve…it’s a thought I cling to, But quite unlike Jack clinging to that huge lump of wood in the cold cold cruel sea( reference, the film Titanic) I’m hanging on bloody tightly to it…shoving Rose off if needs be 😮😁😁😁…. I can do ruthless😁.

Captains Log day Star date 138…

According to my phones Pedometer I’ve survived 138 days of healthy living…(shows you how well it knows me), Some days have been slightly more questionable, if not darn outright outrageous…On my birthday for example, way back in April for.. As that clock struck half passed Barn owl, which sounds absolutely more like a dementor or in fact a hallucinogenic Terradactyl, don’t ask it’s a clock I thought a good idea at one point in time, while alone scrolling unattended on the Zon… It has different bird sounds for every hour…(yeah I know what was I thinking?, this has yet to be determined though😁 but I digest….no not digest Treez stop ittt, digress thats it, I digress …Anyway it was late, my birthday, I was alone late into the night, a big Bar of Galaxy chocolate also sitting alone in the living room sideboard drawer…crying out pitifully with its seductive siren silky voice….I bellowed at it, although none too loudly in my mind like one does, (tell me this is even a real thing right?!!!!)…”stop, cease, quit, desist, please!!..but it wasn’t paying attention enough obviously…So I showed it who was Boss and ate it huh!!!!!!!, it was it’s own fault don’t feel sorry for it!!!!….But since that lone fateful cold night when that bar of chocolate and I shared a very brief special moment I’m proud to say I’ve been good….

As you also know I can’t abide the D word, no not Dentist (sighs😁..mumbles under breath, behind thebhand.. dxxt….You all know the one, denoting immediate deprivation, starvation, and never eating a single nice thing for EVER ever!!!!!!😮, But with my height not matching up to my ever expanding waistline, something had to be done, either that or buy more elastic waisted pants !….so back in February there I was, I stood bare foot in the cold, hail, fog and rain, pause for dramatic effect😁, Sacrificing everything last little thing with even slightest amount of yummyness at the alter of the Green Goddess,, aka the Bin, Yes after a brief prayer, chant, candle lighting and crossing myself, you have to cover all those bases don’t you?, I called upon the Gods old and new to make me slender, svelte,lissom and sylphlike overnight…..your not surprised it didn’t happen are you?😁…..nah me neither, guess there really is only one way then sighs?…we going in!!!

A lettuce leaf and half a cherry tomato 🍅,

Ok just a slight exaggeration, but I have been eating far more vegetation…vegetables, I joke about ditching, the cakes, sweets, and anything over processed as being a chore..but if I’m totally honest it was the right time for me..I had researched the subject thoroughly, not taking this on-board lightly or as a whim…after reading four books, listening to podcast after podcast on Spotify..everything fell with a loud thud into place…takes a while for me to catch up folks,😁, really does…the evidence was staring me in the face though..back about seven years ago I lost 60lbs in just over six months, no starvation, no endless trips to the torture chamber(Gym)… Just giving up Sugar, carbs and eating more lean meat, fish and veg…After the initial headaches from coming off sugar(that should tell you all you need right there), but something odd happened…I began to feel better, I had more energy, no brain fog, my pain levels became more manageable, even a long standing stomach issue cleared up…it was official I felt good!!! More importantly my blood pressure dropped, I went from six tablets daily to two, my weight slowly but surely began fall also…

I’m sorry to say though just after a year, I had slipped back into my old eating habits…along with the dreaded weight gain, my health nose dived..my pain levels doubled, last year, In fact i spent six months virtually bed bound…my knee swollen and agony, my doctors telling me to rest it up and all would be well…I bowed to their professional knowledge, because that’s what one does when given advice and your desperate… But the pain never decreased, the swelling became more apparent, as did the ever increasing weight gain from being immobile for months, it’s not im a constant eater, or even a picker, no matter how often I joke about it, no it’s not the amount of food I eat, but what I eat…the convenience food, the quick dinner because it hurts too much for me to stand, even small sweet treats spark inflammation around the body…

By February I had come to a conclusion something had to give, and it wasnt going to be me, not this time.., I posted how i ditched anything with sugar, ultra processed, or carb laden…Since then I’ve lost nearly 30lb…Yes watching everything you eat in the beginning is tedium to say the least…Eating out is difficult to almost impossible…but it’s about what you want most…what I want, crave, ney need…is normality, I want to wake ready to greet another dawn, I will never be pain free, because That’s my lot in life, Pain and I have become old friends, kind of strange I know, but acceptance is the key…what I can do something about though is improving things for myself…I’ve seen so many doctors now, specialist, and as kind as their intentions are, I’m no better…My illnesses are incurable, but there’s no harm in making the best of a bad situation…I feel better taking charge of my own health,it’s something I can do,… I will also keep researching, keep eating a healthy foods only, nutritious, fresh. Making wise choices…

As the months pass by, I find myself no longer craving the foodstuff I would eat previously, rather I’m enjoying the taste of fruit,not just enjoying actually, but really tasting it almost for the first time…peaches for instance have never tasted better, flavour intensified exponentially, I no longer need to over season food, it’s own clean earthy flavours, textures being far more preferential now…this way of eating isn’t for everyone, I get that …but if it improves my life even by a fraction I’m ready to work at it some more…the 30lb weight loss although a bonus is nothing to the clarity of thought, increased energy and decrease of meds…here’s to the next six months in the Arena…whatever your doing this beautiful summers day, enjoy, stay safe and look after yourself.x💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹

Dear Diary from within the meat locker 😁

Someday _Sundays

Originally I opened my eyes around the 4am mark, Say originally as I drifted someplace between sleep and non committal wakefulness..Being a Sunday though I waited until my body and brain fell into some kind of full cooperation before attempting to leave my nice warm bed, I only have this vague recollection it’s Sunday because I’m staring bleary eyed at the picture on my new calendar ,… Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, promptly smearing any remaining make-up across my cheeks, the call of the kettle finally wins over any fear of stepping out into the icy blast of the apartment, I swear this place has a whole different eco system… I bravely tiptoe across the room trying frantically to keep as much of me actual foot off the floor, fully expecting to see gambling white Artic Hares, or Eskimo,s waving to me as they fish through ice holes, that’s ice holes folks not to be confused with others holes😁….

I impatiently wait for the water to boil, eventually the kettle comes to a shuddering silent halt, I pull my baggy pale blue t shirt down around my legs trying hopelessly to stop them changing from a subtle blue hue to a rather attractive shade of violet…i fail dismally. hands shaking I manage to leave a perfectly round coffee circle upon the steel draining board just attempting to get some coffee into the gaping great mug top…it looked like a crop circle just in coffee form really😊,…I am at this point too cold to argue with myself and clean it up, placing my hands gratefully about the now warm mug, I take it back to bed to thaw out….if you think at this point I embellish for any purposes, I’m kidding ye not…..three mornings, the other week I checked my thermometer to find temperature,s from between 5 to as low as 3c….take into account it’s 1 outside 😲, twice I’ve seen my breathe as I’ve yawned….no that’s not dragon breathe either….well it could well be with the amount of coffee I consume…..

I did have plans for the day ahead, which as the morning wore on, I knew without any shadow of a doubt would have to be firmly posted to the back burner… A pain flare was in full force, whether from the cold, an EDS thing or just because…whichever I’ve little clue, I rarely if ever succumb to these no matter it’s longevity or severity…that day I had not the energy or stubbornness to carry on so I lay reading late into the day, when I finally gave into a restless sleep and pain meds…

Friday night spent with Eowyn….

With storm warnings posted all over, facebook, and the local news for over a week, One could hardly be off knowing about it’s impending visitation, that’s unless of course you live in a two up two down igloo someplace off in the wilds of the Artic….oh hang on I do😁, But seriously that Friday Evening Jesse had fallen asleep early, I left to my own devices had been happily ensconced in bed watching numerous episodes of a new Nordic noir I found, quite oblivious to everything, …As the last episode finished, I realised how quiet it had suddenly become around me…. But quiet isn’t the word im searching for though, silent wouldn’t even begin to describe this…. But have you ever experienced the sensation where you feel isolated completely alone, i can only liken it to Your that last woman standing😊, the very last human survivor…I turned off my tablet, laying back against my numerous pillows, closing my eyes all the better experience the sensation about me…I comprehend fully it was night time, not many people are going to be around ect, but this felt different somehow, I felt suddenly unsettled, skin tinglingly so, …getting up I looked out the living room window, there was as yet no signs of the forecast storm…But then I looked back to another evening, another storm, The infamous 1987 one, it had been somewhere Around midnight, and I was taking my dogs out for their last bathroom break, there also I had been struck by how unusually quiet it was, barely a breathe of breeze, the trees completely still, I stood looking up into the sky, the moon had had a magnificent lilac halo, silvery clouds scudding by it at speed, yet still nothing at ground level…then also I felt that odd sensation, like an electric current passing through the very air…I can remember remarking to a lady walking home that evening how odd it felt out…I wasn’t to know just hours later we were about to experience one of the most destructive storms in our history…that was until the news was full of it the following day….like then also storm eowyn made he’s presence felt…I read we are due another time in the next few days…people are already out emptying the shelves at supermarkets, Anyhow enough from this old windbag, 😁, whatever your upto, stay safe, take care and look after you….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Pocket watch….Dear diary

As young child I remember back being somewhat fascinated by a thick gold linked chain that stretched in a loose swag from a button hole of my Grandfathers black waist coat, into a small shallow pocket…looking back I thought how it must of been attached to a very prize possession, because it was always so very highly polished, gleaming in the light, being of that era where a small child was seen and not heard, I never felt brave enough to enquire into what it was, Grandfather being rather tall and thin of stature, I felt very much in awe.. To me he seemed also somewhat stern and unapproachable,not so sure he was actually, because all big people(adults seemed the same 😊 , But that was only my take on things.. This day though while clutching hold of my Dads hand, eager to make good our escape before the big person felt a sudden hunger and saw me as a likely snack….I had a vivid imagination even back then…., we were Saying our goodbyes at the end of a very dark hallway near to the front door..he must have seen me eyes drawn to the winking gleam of the chain…A rare smile heightened his drawn lined face, hes wrinkled calloussed hand, reaching in slowly to his waist coat pocket he withdrew what to me was one of the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, what light there was bounced off the elaborate scrollwork and feathery Pattens across its case, I held my breath as it hung there spinning about on its thick gold rope like chain, capturing not only time, but reflection as it danced, I was entranced, but even more so as Grandfather pushed down a button upon the top, where it flipped open suddenly, to reveal a white face, three black hands with one perfect red ruby by the number six…I gasped as hushed notes began playing, a tune, which to this day I can never remember😊, but as he held it up against my ear I heard it’s ticking,,,, it was alive!!! …..From then on in I was always going to have my very own one day (it’s what I now know as a fob watch) , My own time capturing treasure….. , recently I relented….now Sat constantly at my side hangs a black fobwatch. And it’s all mine!!!!!!!

There are nights I struggle with sleep, laying awake for hours, an endless silence crashes in on my every thought..it’s deafening with yet another long stark cool reminder….I’m alone!, …..what I do next for a modicum of comfort may seem odd to some, mayhap something quite peculiar,. I take my fob watch from its regular hanging place beside my bed, slipping it under my left ear..its black filigree case hard, cool to touch,. But when I hear its ticking, that small clockwork heart beat, sounding out the seconds, minutes, hours as they evaporate from night into new another dawn…. Metal internal cogs turn slow but constant, it’s become an instant comfort, a reminder of another time, another far off place, where my head would rest upon the warmth of another, listening to a similar beat, a beat that also made note of time, a time where I felt cocooned in a silken protective layer, far away from the outside world, one of warmth, safety, home, where monsters that lurk in shadowy nooks and corners of the troubled mind are vanquished….it’s as near as I can get to a return to that moment…close to when I felt protected…and more importantly both mind and body resting…

Furtively I look across to check the phone, seeing if Jesse sleeps, he does, so secretly once again I slip the watch under my left ear, it’s been a nightly occurrence of late, (habitual) for as much as I try to turn my small bedroom into a place of calm, tranquillity, with teddy soft yellow fleece throws covering the single bed, candlelight flickering and dancing sending aloft amber warmth across the cool white walls…all my favourite things surround me, but as I try to recreate a safe place, a haven…it’s not here… it’s never here!!!!, And I’ve craved escape from the darkness that’s ever encroaching my mood, it’s like housing a bee hive in one’s brain, feeling their fluttering, hearing their constant drone, waiting for the sting …it’s relentless, endless, what’s more I cannot create a retreat physically, it has to be mentally, until I find the answers inside myself, there’s no escape ….depression is a fickle beast, one of cunning in her depravity, once it’s sharp claws and teeth have hold of their 1lb of flesh there’s little one can do …. Just ride it out

Endless mind chatter pursues both day and night, even dreams are not sacred, they become fractured patterns of past, present and make believe, seen through kaleidoscopic eyes,. .. I know for instance that I’m more inclined to feel the need to chat around these times, talking shuts out the endless droning words of cruelty…that inner bully,, If there’s no one around to talk at😊, I try to immerse myself into one of the many books I may read during the course of a week, as I’ve said often in the past, there’s a grand secret pathway of liberation via the authors written word, Some come with time machines that whisk you off in a mere moment to other century, becoming your own time lord,😊…, Others have exotic climes and places,,,whichever it happens to be it’s freedom from ones own thoughts,… I devour the words, page after page, hungry for that departure from life, living all too often vicariously through the characters lives, those being infinitely better than my own😊….I don’t see them as trapped between the covers of books, they are adventurous, fearless with endless possibilities, all the things I cannot be at this present juncture ….

Never were books more important than this week, daily the skies where almost black and heavy with still more rain, Cabin fever hitting me more often than I would like, although I’m virtually house bound it’s good to have the option to get outdoors, should I so choose, I rarely do but I’m contrary like that…I just like to know it’s there😊, so far this week, I’ve read four books, using the pull of each as a bribe, I can read more when I’ve vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, made food…it prevents the screaming blacks(depression ) from taking over completely, I refuse to be suffocated by its density…it’s my wee fight toward light…it’s where my pertinacious works for me, wading through swamps of the depressed mind is fearsome, I’m oft scared I will get lost permanently, unable to find my way back…but while in recovery from my latest battle, I use words as my shield, whether souced from one of my favourite songs or penned by a brilliant author, story tellers…I’m deeply grateful to both at these times….them and my loved ones become the warm glow of the brightest candle, my guides ….they will never know the gratitude or love I feel……enough chatter from me folks….stay warm, stay safe, and look after you, because your amazing….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻