Tag: life

Growth….Dear diary

Three days ago now, I woke up, to what felt like a very normal day, it started out that way, all signs, roads pointed to well, ” Average “…My coffee was hot, strong, dark and a delight for the senses, the water, cool and immensely refreshing upon my skin after a night baking slowly on gas mark 200 million degrees for 6 hours, Sun was up high in its sky, the Bees had done the utmost to chase me away from my own garden, upon I trying to water it….everything was in its place,….So i could not know just 30 minutes later, my world would turn on its axis, the light would slip away, fall into the shadows never to light up again…

My world falling into complete devastation, and as I sat there for the longest time in amongst that rubble, I was about to learn yet another valuable lesson, People and harsh moments are the best teachers,….to begin with, I didn’t know how to deal with this new situation, there was no one I could talk it through with, things spun out of control, off kilter, my mind awash with voices of old, full of spite, hate and criticism deployed their best missiles, one after the other, my walls tumbled and here I sat unable to deflect any of it….

Circle the Wagons…

After time had passed, I began settle though, this situation was no less painful, but the me I’m fast evolving into sat outside, coffee in hand, and allowed my poor exhausted mind time, time for calm, time to evaluate, process this new information and what to do with it.. If I rushed all in filled with anger, upset and emotion, I would surely make mistakes, as Indeed i have all too many times in the past…I needed to start with the very basic, there after to regroup…. Just breathe, calm the mind demons, sit quitely with the situation until you know what you want to do…as difficult as this was to prove it’s the path I decided upon, I holstered my emotions, circled the Wagons and sat there in the moment …

In times of old I would have reacted far far differently, allowing my head to take over, that’s when you know you’ve lost… In the time I sat outside by myself, (no that’s wrong, for I was with myself,…. I had realised though, even talking to a loved one wouldn’t have helped…just selfishly unloaded my cares onto them, I love them far too much for this, plus they have their own issues to deal with…neither did I resort to my old friend food, (binge eat), try to anaestheise pain with sugary treats, it was touch and go there momentarily I admit it😁, but what would this achieve?..nothing of course, only ruin months of gruelling work, plus sicken me both mentally and physically, plus add to my burden…no time was the essence here, time for logic, then after a while set healing in motion…

I’m not sure how long I sat in complete silence, Bees buzzing about my head, butterflies fluttering upon the breeze, worker ants crawling about my feet carrying things back to their nest, but whether I realised it or not, just being there had stilled my hammering heart, slowed down my breathing and allowed me to press the pause button on my world, unplug it so it would reset…yes the issue hadn’t resolved, but how I dealt with it now had…i realised it was 7pm and I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours, as much as the mere thought of eating made me feel queasy, I knew deep down my body needed fuel…something small healthy and nothing to complex, I made a piece of chicken and Some veggies…it was another act of kindness, but to myself, and there’s the thing..when you live alone, you need to become your own companion, treat yourself with kindness, nurture you, become a mother to your overwrought mind and body…it’s the beginning of healing…

I went to bed that night, my mind still spinning with unanswered thought, but I resolved to let them be, maybe they were ever meant to be answered, My dreams were disjointed and crazed as they tried make sense of the things I couldn’t, when I woke up, the pain lay heavy in my chest still, but by tapping into new found strength, i went about my routine, with its shadowy presence following along behind me, every once in a while it would jump out at me sending with it shockwaves of hurt…I saw it, listened in, but moved right along, grief I realise is very different for us all, but I’m proud of the person I’m slowly emerging into…I’m a far cry from the brow beaten, used up person I left behind some eight years nearly now…later that same morning while I stood in my tiny kitchen waiting patiently for the kettle to come to a boil, listening for the click, I went out and grabbed my scales from their box… Standing upon the cold surface I waited for the flashing numbers to stop spinning and say you’ve gained X amount of poundiage, you XL heifer😊…. Instead though I had lost another 7lb😲😮😊….it brings the grand total so far to a none too shabby 42 lb ….I celebrated this victory, as I celebrated my sadness, by myself, ever mindful that’s by myself…never alone…. And here’s to the next 42 lb….What ever your doing this weekend, please take care of you, remember your worth it…till next time 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Size really does matter…Dear Diary

Thursday

Around the beginning of February, (this year, two things happened…One involved a traumatic moment, early on a cold frosty morning, The other just kind of snuck up behind me, tapping me on the shoulder, bringing with it a germ of a new idea,. this went onto fully evolve over the next few weeks and months …First things first, After being ordered to rest up with a knee injury early on in the beginning of last year by my doctor, I spent almost 13 months prostrate upon the bed, anyone else in similar circumstances knows only too well of the utter mind numbing boredom., I have to admit though it did bring with it a chance to read more, which I did in vast quantities to begin with… Some 150 books to be precise, I enjoyed immersing myself fully, living most days in virtual realms, vicariously escaping through the Authors words, for which many will never know my gratitude, although that said, I did write reviews for one or two, the least I could do when they had kept my Sanity intact for a wee while longer😁 later on sadly, I hit the wall, becoming all read out, as you can imagine,. Tedium and myself are never good bed fellows as it turns out, it allows me far too much time for mischief, Plus “the eating”, although eating didnt quite do it justice😁,I would actually say it was more like grazing ,.. Normally not being a big eater, it didn’t take very long, before the extra lbs became evident…being immobile for long periods, plus extra calories, will of course do this of course😁.

Even at this point, I was still well and truly in denial, my flat being devoid of any kind of full length mirror, (this purposefully I may add, it only aided and abetted me in This new deception, twelve months down the line I awoke one morning after my usual fortification of several emotional support coffees, I decide it was indeed time to take the bull by the horns, or the scales from the lurking place, in the deep dark cupboard, with the cobwebs and over weight spiders!😊….Sucking in my breath as far as it would humanly go, I repeat several times., think slim thoughts Treez, think slim thoughts, I stood upon those scales for the first time in months….. Here’s where I find myself, too embarrassed to admit the final numbers involved, but along with said humiliation, came revulsion, disgust with the whole situation. I’ve always been prone to weight gain, but I hadn’t reached this size in many years…what hurt most was I had worked so hard just five years previous, losing a whopping five stone(70lb) ., now here I stood in my shorts and baggy t shirt, right back where I started…

After much procrastination, yet another coffee, and Some hours later I felt deeply depressed, What i did next fills me with utter repugnance,.. I sat and filled my face still further., My sausage fat swollen fingers, grabbing the first things to hand “The chunky kit kats”, Cadbury chocolate buttons, Mars bars, Snickers, every type and brand of crisp… Depression and sugar always did go hand in hand with me…😊, After I had laid waste to the very last of a four pack of chunky kit Kats, I sat alone upon the bed, surrounded by the screwed up evidence of my gluttony…I felt sick to my stomach, and it wasn’t just all that chocolate swirling around in there…what was I doing?, Why was I punishing myself and my body still further?, I looked down at my bloated body, a sensation of self loathing filled me….I actually hated myself., I and i alone had managed to do this…in my greed I had created a monster..a big bloated monster, the extra weight was not going to help this already stressed body with its weakened immune system…I needed to act and do it fast, tell tale signs were already beginning to show on my health, my BP for one was slowly creeping up with each doctors visit, My doctor was equally concerned in turn so of course was I ….

After this epiphany of a kind, As you may well or not know from early Diary pages, I lay siege to anything with sugar in it, then ultra processed, remotely processed actually…. Throwing it in the Bin before I could set about eating it,I know it was wasteful, but I had little choice by then, desperation set in….Step 1 fully completed, step 2 was to ditch carbs, eat only fresh veggies, lean meat and fish…the first weeks were hard, I won’t lie, but each time I wavered even a microbe I thought back, with a red face to those scales, and that deep loathing for my own body…this was back in February…since then slowly, but surely the lbs are dropping, it’s hard work, and much slower than previously, but determination, sheer stubbornness are my guides, I mean to bring this about, with whatever it takes, by any means fair or foul…

The happening…..

Also in March after what seemed like a lifetime of endless Grey sky’s, the sun finally began to put in an appearance, it was somewhat tentative at first, but those early glimmers were just enough, I began dodging the wintry showers, to shoot in and out hanging the laundry outside….I love seeing the wash blow upon the line….(yeah I know but it’s a me thing…little things and all that…it’s on one of these many trips out into the back garden, a little strip of Garden…(no bigger than a foot wide, by twelve long, caught my eye…I had had two wonderful young guys come in to clear that and the fence behind it of ivy over the previous summer….with the long winter months I had sadly neglected it again, and it was now reclaimed by nature, large unruly elder sprouted up everywhere, ivy, plus every variety of ground weed.,…One morning after hanging out the laundry, I found myself bending to pull a few weeds, this soon became a daily occurrence, only for ten minutes, but it soon amounted….I worked steadily not knowing the outcome but I felt good working outside, even for these short spells….

Before long, I had achieved what I thought the unachievable….ok it wasn’t perfect, nothing ever is, but it was better,much better, it’s as I stood to straighten my aching back, a plan slowing began to form in my head… Each day I worked to soften the soil, dig out some of the endless stone and rocks, the early spring sunshine warmed my sore back, as I worked, my ungloved hands caked in earth, finger nails split and full, but with this mess, also came a new calm, almost serenity, a oneness with my task, humming as I worked..from childhood I had loved to Garden,

One year my mother had given a small strip of Garden to my brother and sister, being “too young”, I was over looked…this upset me greatly…to the point where my mother finally relented, more I think to shut me up than anything else…I was three years old at this point….my mother could never have known what she had unlocked in her youngest..because even at that tender age I caught the gardening bug…it was to prove a life long addiction…a need if you will. Watching a garden come to life and reach fruition is akin to creating a painting, you take your basic blank canvas, prime it and with splashes of colour create….I was in the process of doing the same….

After weeks of work it became apparent that the local weed population were never going to make my life easy, as fast as pulled them from the ground, they just relocated, it became a vendetta…me against the mob, weed mafia, thuggery all about in my patch….apart from attacking it with my trusty strimmer, I realised there was no quick fix, Maybe a flame thrower hmmmm !!!!!!!, No Treez back away slowly😁….

It was while working out there one mild April afternoon, watched over by an impatient small tubby Robin friend who collected bugs for he’s lunch from the patches of freshly turned over soil, flicking his tail and tck tck tcking at me to go faster, there an idea grew…Just like my new found friend Robin, why was I working against nature?, Why not work with her?, All these plants originated from weeds at some point in time, before being cultivated, some if not most are infact beautiful in their own right, so why not just add to this insistent tapestry of life?, buy a packet of wild meadow seeds…

Later that same afternoon after first scrubbing my hands digging more soil from my broken nails than left in the garden…, I sat down finally in the warmth after the sun dipped low in the sky.. Curling up on the sofa with coffee under a fleece blanket, I began trawling “The Zon” (Amazon) for wild flower seeds…I read many reviews , researched, late into that evening before making my final choice…decision made, plan formed, I was really excited all at once to begin….

After just two days,that wait was finally over, The seeds had arrived, a tiny paper packet full of promise, as well as hundreds of black specks, (“the seeds”,) what they actually were(their names) would remain any bodies guess😁. Just said wild flowers…oh well I love a good surprise, A flower lucky dip if you will😁..

Now there was going to be two approaches to this here seed drilling malarkey, either I could make nice neat straight furrows in the soil, sow the seeds, then proceed to cover them over with the earth, almost like them bedding them down really(Normal approach)😁, nahhhhhh!, Or then theres my way, wait until, rain is forecast, rush out to scatter them asunder before running back in between showers…yup that’s it😁, if it’s good enough for mother nature, it’s good enough for me… And this being April I didn’t have long to wait….heavy rain was forecast for the very next day….I love it, this business with working with nature she’s so obliging😁….. In my humble wotsit I like to think I had scattered the seed evenly, real proper like, sort of the perfect gardener😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, but what I actually did was just shook the pack randomly…Chaos and mayhem being my favourite watchwords….later that day as if giving me her blessing, the heavens opened, now for the hard bit…..the wait😁😁😁😁.

Every day I checked for early signs of life, well there was to be fair, but mainly from those bloody weeds😃,. After just two weeks though, the first signs appeared..tiny seedlings braved the cool air, just like any good plant parent, I worried over frosts, winds blowing them over, not enough water, too much water!, I faffed endlessly over my wee charges, never once taking into account these are in fact wild flowers we are talking about here, Existing for hundreds of years, alongside busy roads, derelict land,hedge rows, farms, fields and Moorland without my care, thank you very much!😁, they infact didn’t need me at all….but it was me, I needed to fuss over them,pulling back the larger weeds that were bullying my precious seedlings, I willed them to grow strong, Watched over daily by Robin and my old friend, white feather the blackbird…who I think were more than a bit amused if not confused….

By the end of May my little border was filled to the brim with leggy plants of many variables, stubby ground huggers, lanky sun hoggers, hairy stemmed wind wavers and of course they were all UFOs, unidentified Flowering objects….what I did know though was I couldn’t have been more proud of my adoptees if I tried, ….even the strong winds that would follow that month, failed to flatten them,. As their development increased I was to learn yet another valuable lesson, I had stopped trying to weed my border, instead what were once common weeds to me, now stood side by side with my meadow flowers, their early blooms feeding any brave bees that sought out a source of pollen…common woodsorrel, creeping buttercup, Purslane, lesser trefoil, Dandelion, forget me not, tiny soft heart shaped leaved violets, lanky tufts of rich red valerian, I watched as insects flocked to them for shelter and sustenance…they had earnt their place in my Border as well as my heart…

After a time the first of the meadow plants began to bloom, it was quite fitting really, when the purple spikes of Bugle, were the first to herald in the coming of spring …next the stunning large fluffy heads of scarlet trefoil, corn poppies with their bold crimson petals screaming for attention, beside them the more sedate but no less pretty, sky blue corn flowers, Corn Cockle, the delicate lacy flowers of Love in the mist, Purple Scabius, pink and white clover, Red campion…. Each day something new to marvel over, I bored everyone with endless photos and talk of my wee border….but I was proud so there !😁

But as spectacular as this wild patch of meadow flowers are and will be for months to come, it’s what they bring alongside them…I sit out most afternoons for a while, there I share this small wilderness area with a myriad of tiny creatures, tiny striped glossy winged hover flies, flitting hither and thither even taking to hovering about me as If I were part of the fixtures😊, Other daily visitors include several varieties of floofy pollen pickers(Bees), Cabbage white, orange tipped, meadow brown, small copper, small tortoiseshell, Holly blue butterflies… Even the odd passing Dragon look in….oh ok Dragonfly 😁, then theres the humble, but never less welcome woodlice, all are welcome here….As I sit out there sun warming my face, a host of insect sounds lulls me into a quietness I’ve never experienced before, my eyes shut involuntarily, but I’m no less part of their minute world, we are just being together, living, breathing side by side, whether imagined, or factual I feel accepted…..Even the huge bumble bees as they buzz bomb my head in daily protest when I disturb them for the evening watering ritual, settle back down after ignoring me as fuss about….With the increase of insects, I have more daily visits from small birds, who have also become part and parcel of our world….who knew by just making a tiny patch of wild meadow flowers happen, my world would increase many fold…with it many lessons..it really is those little things that bring the most joy….enough of me for now, take care of you as always, and stay safe…🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐛🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞

Believe you can and your halfway there ..Theodore Roosevelt…Dear Diary

Monday…

I love the above quote, it’s so appropriate for me at this moment in time, well anytime really, As is also his Man in the Arena address, given on the 23rd of April 1910…I have this enlarged, framed above my bed…One constant and wonderful reminder that no matter how difficult life can seem for you at times, all the while your here, showing up each morning there’s a chance, a chance for things to improve…it’s a thought I cling to, But quite unlike Jack clinging to that huge lump of wood in the cold cold cruel sea( reference, the film Titanic) I’m hanging on bloody tightly to it…shoving Rose off if needs be 😮😁😁😁…. I can do ruthless😁.

Captains Log day Star date 138…

According to my phones Pedometer I’ve survived 138 days of healthy living…(shows you how well it knows me), Some days have been slightly more questionable, if not darn outright outrageous…On my birthday for example, way back in April for.. As that clock struck half passed Barn owl, which sounds absolutely more like a dementor or in fact a hallucinogenic Terradactyl, don’t ask it’s a clock I thought a good idea at one point in time, while alone scrolling unattended on the Zon… It has different bird sounds for every hour…(yeah I know what was I thinking?, this has yet to be determined though😁 but I digest….no not digest Treez stop ittt, digress thats it, I digress …Anyway it was late, my birthday, I was alone late into the night, a big Bar of Galaxy chocolate also sitting alone in the living room sideboard drawer…crying out pitifully with its seductive siren silky voice….I bellowed at it, although none too loudly in my mind like one does, (tell me this is even a real thing right?!!!!)…”stop, cease, quit, desist, please!!..but it wasn’t paying attention enough obviously…So I showed it who was Boss and ate it huh!!!!!!!, it was it’s own fault don’t feel sorry for it!!!!….But since that lone fateful cold night when that bar of chocolate and I shared a very brief special moment I’m proud to say I’ve been good….

As you also know I can’t abide the D word, no not Dentist (sighs😁..mumbles under breath, behind thebhand.. dxxt….You all know the one, denoting immediate deprivation, starvation, and never eating a single nice thing for EVER ever!!!!!!😮, But with my height not matching up to my ever expanding waistline, something had to be done, either that or buy more elastic waisted pants !….so back in February there I was, I stood bare foot in the cold, hail, fog and rain, pause for dramatic effect😁, Sacrificing everything last little thing with even slightest amount of yummyness at the alter of the Green Goddess,, aka the Bin, Yes after a brief prayer, chant, candle lighting and crossing myself, you have to cover all those bases don’t you?, I called upon the Gods old and new to make me slender, svelte,lissom and sylphlike overnight…..your not surprised it didn’t happen are you?😁…..nah me neither, guess there really is only one way then sighs?…we going in!!!

A lettuce leaf and half a cherry tomato 🍅,

Ok just a slight exaggeration, but I have been eating far more vegetation…vegetables, I joke about ditching, the cakes, sweets, and anything over processed as being a chore..but if I’m totally honest it was the right time for me..I had researched the subject thoroughly, not taking this on-board lightly or as a whim…after reading four books, listening to podcast after podcast on Spotify..everything fell with a loud thud into place…takes a while for me to catch up folks,😁, really does…the evidence was staring me in the face though..back about seven years ago I lost 60lbs in just over six months, no starvation, no endless trips to the torture chamber(Gym)… Just giving up Sugar, carbs and eating more lean meat, fish and veg…After the initial headaches from coming off sugar(that should tell you all you need right there), but something odd happened…I began to feel better, I had more energy, no brain fog, my pain levels became more manageable, even a long standing stomach issue cleared up…it was official I felt good!!! More importantly my blood pressure dropped, I went from six tablets daily to two, my weight slowly but surely began fall also…

I’m sorry to say though just after a year, I had slipped back into my old eating habits…along with the dreaded weight gain, my health nose dived..my pain levels doubled, last year, In fact i spent six months virtually bed bound…my knee swollen and agony, my doctors telling me to rest it up and all would be well…I bowed to their professional knowledge, because that’s what one does when given advice and your desperate… But the pain never decreased, the swelling became more apparent, as did the ever increasing weight gain from being immobile for months, it’s not im a constant eater, or even a picker, no matter how often I joke about it, no it’s not the amount of food I eat, but what I eat…the convenience food, the quick dinner because it hurts too much for me to stand, even small sweet treats spark inflammation around the body…

By February I had come to a conclusion something had to give, and it wasnt going to be me, not this time.., I posted how i ditched anything with sugar, ultra processed, or carb laden…Since then I’ve lost nearly 30lb…Yes watching everything you eat in the beginning is tedium to say the least…Eating out is difficult to almost impossible…but it’s about what you want most…what I want, crave, ney need…is normality, I want to wake ready to greet another dawn, I will never be pain free, because That’s my lot in life, Pain and I have become old friends, kind of strange I know, but acceptance is the key…what I can do something about though is improving things for myself…I’ve seen so many doctors now, specialist, and as kind as their intentions are, I’m no better…My illnesses are incurable, but there’s no harm in making the best of a bad situation…I feel better taking charge of my own health,it’s something I can do,… I will also keep researching, keep eating a healthy foods only, nutritious, fresh. Making wise choices…

As the months pass by, I find myself no longer craving the foodstuff I would eat previously, rather I’m enjoying the taste of fruit,not just enjoying actually, but really tasting it almost for the first time…peaches for instance have never tasted better, flavour intensified exponentially, I no longer need to over season food, it’s own clean earthy flavours, textures being far more preferential now…this way of eating isn’t for everyone, I get that …but if it improves my life even by a fraction I’m ready to work at it some more…the 30lb weight loss although a bonus is nothing to the clarity of thought, increased energy and decrease of meds…here’s to the next six months in the Arena…whatever your doing this beautiful summers day, enjoy, stay safe and look after yourself.x💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹

Dear Diary from within the meat locker 😁

Someday _Sundays

Originally I opened my eyes around the 4am mark, Say originally as I drifted someplace between sleep and non committal wakefulness..Being a Sunday though I waited until my body and brain fell into some kind of full cooperation before attempting to leave my nice warm bed, I only have this vague recollection it’s Sunday because I’m staring bleary eyed at the picture on my new calendar ,… Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, promptly smearing any remaining make-up across my cheeks, the call of the kettle finally wins over any fear of stepping out into the icy blast of the apartment, I swear this place has a whole different eco system… I bravely tiptoe across the room trying frantically to keep as much of me actual foot off the floor, fully expecting to see gambling white Artic Hares, or Eskimo,s waving to me as they fish through ice holes, that’s ice holes folks not to be confused with others holes😁….

I impatiently wait for the water to boil, eventually the kettle comes to a shuddering silent halt, I pull my baggy pale blue t shirt down around my legs trying hopelessly to stop them changing from a subtle blue hue to a rather attractive shade of violet…i fail dismally. hands shaking I manage to leave a perfectly round coffee circle upon the steel draining board just attempting to get some coffee into the gaping great mug top…it looked like a crop circle just in coffee form really😊,…I am at this point too cold to argue with myself and clean it up, placing my hands gratefully about the now warm mug, I take it back to bed to thaw out….if you think at this point I embellish for any purposes, I’m kidding ye not…..three mornings, the other week I checked my thermometer to find temperature,s from between 5 to as low as 3c….take into account it’s 1 outside 😲, twice I’ve seen my breathe as I’ve yawned….no that’s not dragon breathe either….well it could well be with the amount of coffee I consume…..

I did have plans for the day ahead, which as the morning wore on, I knew without any shadow of a doubt would have to be firmly posted to the back burner… A pain flare was in full force, whether from the cold, an EDS thing or just because…whichever I’ve little clue, I rarely if ever succumb to these no matter it’s longevity or severity…that day I had not the energy or stubbornness to carry on so I lay reading late into the day, when I finally gave into a restless sleep and pain meds…

Friday night spent with Eowyn….

With storm warnings posted all over, facebook, and the local news for over a week, One could hardly be off knowing about it’s impending visitation, that’s unless of course you live in a two up two down igloo someplace off in the wilds of the Artic….oh hang on I do😁, But seriously that Friday Evening Jesse had fallen asleep early, I left to my own devices had been happily ensconced in bed watching numerous episodes of a new Nordic noir I found, quite oblivious to everything, …As the last episode finished, I realised how quiet it had suddenly become around me…. But quiet isn’t the word im searching for though, silent wouldn’t even begin to describe this…. But have you ever experienced the sensation where you feel isolated completely alone, i can only liken it to Your that last woman standing😊, the very last human survivor…I turned off my tablet, laying back against my numerous pillows, closing my eyes all the better experience the sensation about me…I comprehend fully it was night time, not many people are going to be around ect, but this felt different somehow, I felt suddenly unsettled, skin tinglingly so, …getting up I looked out the living room window, there was as yet no signs of the forecast storm…But then I looked back to another evening, another storm, The infamous 1987 one, it had been somewhere Around midnight, and I was taking my dogs out for their last bathroom break, there also I had been struck by how unusually quiet it was, barely a breathe of breeze, the trees completely still, I stood looking up into the sky, the moon had had a magnificent lilac halo, silvery clouds scudding by it at speed, yet still nothing at ground level…then also I felt that odd sensation, like an electric current passing through the very air…I can remember remarking to a lady walking home that evening how odd it felt out…I wasn’t to know just hours later we were about to experience one of the most destructive storms in our history…that was until the news was full of it the following day….like then also storm eowyn made he’s presence felt…I read we are due another time in the next few days…people are already out emptying the shelves at supermarkets, Anyhow enough from this old windbag, 😁, whatever your upto, stay safe, take care and look after you….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Pocket watch….Dear diary

As young child I remember back being somewhat fascinated by a thick gold linked chain that stretched in a loose swag from a button hole of my Grandfathers black waist coat, into a small shallow pocket…looking back I thought how it must of been attached to a very prize possession, because it was always so very highly polished, gleaming in the light, being of that era where a small child was seen and not heard, I never felt brave enough to enquire into what it was, Grandfather being rather tall and thin of stature, I felt very much in awe.. To me he seemed also somewhat stern and unapproachable,not so sure he was actually, because all big people(adults seemed the same 😊 , But that was only my take on things.. This day though while clutching hold of my Dads hand, eager to make good our escape before the big person felt a sudden hunger and saw me as a likely snack….I had a vivid imagination even back then…., we were Saying our goodbyes at the end of a very dark hallway near to the front door..he must have seen me eyes drawn to the winking gleam of the chain…A rare smile heightened his drawn lined face, hes wrinkled calloussed hand, reaching in slowly to his waist coat pocket he withdrew what to me was one of the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, what light there was bounced off the elaborate scrollwork and feathery Pattens across its case, I held my breath as it hung there spinning about on its thick gold rope like chain, capturing not only time, but reflection as it danced, I was entranced, but even more so as Grandfather pushed down a button upon the top, where it flipped open suddenly, to reveal a white face, three black hands with one perfect red ruby by the number six…I gasped as hushed notes began playing, a tune, which to this day I can never remember😊, but as he held it up against my ear I heard it’s ticking,,,, it was alive!!! …..From then on in I was always going to have my very own one day (it’s what I now know as a fob watch) , My own time capturing treasure….. , recently I relented….now Sat constantly at my side hangs a black fobwatch. And it’s all mine!!!!!!!

There are nights I struggle with sleep, laying awake for hours, an endless silence crashes in on my every thought..it’s deafening with yet another long stark cool reminder….I’m alone!, …..what I do next for a modicum of comfort may seem odd to some, mayhap something quite peculiar,. I take my fob watch from its regular hanging place beside my bed, slipping it under my left ear..its black filigree case hard, cool to touch,. But when I hear its ticking, that small clockwork heart beat, sounding out the seconds, minutes, hours as they evaporate from night into new another dawn…. Metal internal cogs turn slow but constant, it’s become an instant comfort, a reminder of another time, another far off place, where my head would rest upon the warmth of another, listening to a similar beat, a beat that also made note of time, a time where I felt cocooned in a silken protective layer, far away from the outside world, one of warmth, safety, home, where monsters that lurk in shadowy nooks and corners of the troubled mind are vanquished….it’s as near as I can get to a return to that moment…close to when I felt protected…and more importantly both mind and body resting…

Furtively I look across to check the phone, seeing if Jesse sleeps, he does, so secretly once again I slip the watch under my left ear, it’s been a nightly occurrence of late, (habitual) for as much as I try to turn my small bedroom into a place of calm, tranquillity, with teddy soft yellow fleece throws covering the single bed, candlelight flickering and dancing sending aloft amber warmth across the cool white walls…all my favourite things surround me, but as I try to recreate a safe place, a haven…it’s not here… it’s never here!!!!, And I’ve craved escape from the darkness that’s ever encroaching my mood, it’s like housing a bee hive in one’s brain, feeling their fluttering, hearing their constant drone, waiting for the sting …it’s relentless, endless, what’s more I cannot create a retreat physically, it has to be mentally, until I find the answers inside myself, there’s no escape ….depression is a fickle beast, one of cunning in her depravity, once it’s sharp claws and teeth have hold of their 1lb of flesh there’s little one can do …. Just ride it out

Endless mind chatter pursues both day and night, even dreams are not sacred, they become fractured patterns of past, present and make believe, seen through kaleidoscopic eyes,. .. I know for instance that I’m more inclined to feel the need to chat around these times, talking shuts out the endless droning words of cruelty…that inner bully,, If there’s no one around to talk at😊, I try to immerse myself into one of the many books I may read during the course of a week, as I’ve said often in the past, there’s a grand secret pathway of liberation via the authors written word, Some come with time machines that whisk you off in a mere moment to other century, becoming your own time lord,😊…, Others have exotic climes and places,,,whichever it happens to be it’s freedom from ones own thoughts,… I devour the words, page after page, hungry for that departure from life, living all too often vicariously through the characters lives, those being infinitely better than my own😊….I don’t see them as trapped between the covers of books, they are adventurous, fearless with endless possibilities, all the things I cannot be at this present juncture ….

Never were books more important than this week, daily the skies where almost black and heavy with still more rain, Cabin fever hitting me more often than I would like, although I’m virtually house bound it’s good to have the option to get outdoors, should I so choose, I rarely do but I’m contrary like that…I just like to know it’s there😊, so far this week, I’ve read four books, using the pull of each as a bribe, I can read more when I’ve vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, made food…it prevents the screaming blacks(depression ) from taking over completely, I refuse to be suffocated by its density…it’s my wee fight toward light…it’s where my pertinacious works for me, wading through swamps of the depressed mind is fearsome, I’m oft scared I will get lost permanently, unable to find my way back…but while in recovery from my latest battle, I use words as my shield, whether souced from one of my favourite songs or penned by a brilliant author, story tellers…I’m deeply grateful to both at these times….them and my loved ones become the warm glow of the brightest candle, my guides ….they will never know the gratitude or love I feel……enough chatter from me folks….stay warm, stay safe, and look after you, because your amazing….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻