Tag: health

Wintry Dear diary

Its 7:34 pm, I only know this because it says so in the corner of my tablet😁,Otherwise time holds little to no meaning in the wintery evenings…I’m laying in semi darkness, listening to the soft pattering of rain against my bedroom window, there’s a intermittent rhythmic drip drip drop upon an empty white gallon can, it lays there upon its side amongst the soggy grass outside, to some this may prove a real annoyance, I find it oddly comforting, a distraction from the otherwise endless silence, likewise the static buzz from my speakers humming away to themselves,….You would think after all th time I would have become somewhat immune to the deafening hush that fills the tiny rooms each and every night, but for me it’s anything but peaceful, it allows for those conversations playing over in your head, like the haunting three Christmas ghosts in Christmas carol,of the past, of the here and now, those yet to come, it’s an odd conundrum because although I’m not brilliant around others(I know hard to believe right?😃) I also don’t fair particularly within my own company either.

It’s one of the main reasons I venture outside on odd days, it can be hard going because every instinct from within screams at me to stay put, I’m unsure if this is the residual reactions from my past life with severe Agoraphobia or an inner need to listen to my closet recluse, I think if I’m honest I could so easily hide away from society altogether, it wouldn’t take much😊,. Leaving my small flat however takes more energy than I’m prepared to commit sometimes, I paint on a smile with that mornings make up, fill myself with a caffeine infusion and run out the door before I can talk myself out of it..

I cannot venture far however, mainly to the local park, shops or both. In the park i,’ll come across local dog walkers, some I’m actually beginning to recognise now😁, We pass odd pleasantries back and forth, have that topical moan about the weather, some though just nod, I find if honest I like this, it’s a nice remission from my own company, and it’s momentary, not over stressful or requiring me to be overly sociable, I cope, look forward to it even, it also helps they have dogs I get to fuss over, dogs I could quite easily socialise with 24/7, they seem to understand my strange aloofness, uninvolment with others. Dogs just get it😃😃😃😃😃😃😃.

Then there’s always something to pique ones interest, changing colours of trees for instance, although right now their dark skeletal branches are mainly devoid of much in the way of any leaf matter, Some however though have this glorious covering of dark olive green waxy ivy leaves, climbing up ever skyward, searching hairy roots clinging to the bark, there for hiding any embarrassment of the trees wintry nakedness…Small birds flit in amongst the leaf litter, their sometimes so fast, you could quite easily miss that flash of brilliant yellow from an aptly named goldfinch, or the chubby red chested Robin who sits up on the highest branches above little tail bobbing, his clear sweet voice replying to a neighbour off in the distance, I know they are only too aware of my presence amidst them, but whether it’s my slowness of gait, quietness or they just don’t find me any kind of threat, I’ve no idea, but they go about their day, inches from where I walk, I feel dozens of eyes observe this strange bi-ped with some degree of curiosity, almost as much as I watch them, it’s such a privilege …

The bench….

After a slow rather cumbersome stroll across the sodden grass, (it had rained over the previous day and night solid without a half time even😁) Anyway my feet are now making obnoxious squashing sqelching sounds, and im giggling away to myself like a possessed two year old, It around about then, i find myself drawn to an old wooden graffiti covered bench, the feet are truly frozen, aching so this is a welcome resting place, also a chance to observe families of Crows interacting, did you know they play?, Often finding a twig or pebble to throw and run after😁,. Huge soft Grey winged wood pigeons snuffling about the grass in search of their breakfast, Dog walkers greeting each other, while throwing balls off into the distance for their dogs to fetch, the dog runs off in some obedient pretension of locating their ball, only to get distracted in seconds by the thick undergrowth nearby, there they go off on their own sniffing adventures. Our equivalent of reading the paper, you can find out a mine of information when your nose is upon the ground…you,’ll have to take my word for this😁😁😁😁😁😁

I in turn watch from a safe distance🙂, part yet apart from their day, This said, every once in a while, As I sit quite immersed in my own thought, a peculiar thing happens.(nice though)..Someone will warily approach, sort of sidling across, before finally plucking up the courage to ask, somewhat timidly, “Can they share the bench”?😁, and I despite my lacking in any form of social togetherness,, well if im honest quite welcome this intrusion of introspection…it’s like that sad, dilapidated graffiti covered bench offers a momentary window of opportunity, a chance meeting of minds, whether alike or otherwise, a chance to share with another a section of their day, And for that brief time, in that no man’s land of companionship it’s like my awkwardness dissipates, I become fully relaxed into this stranger’s company, yet we are not strangers for now, not in the true sense anyway, because we fill those stolen few moments full of our lives, talk of our place of birth, families, dogs, issues of the day, the obligatory weather chat, absolutely anything goes, and it’s wonderful, in fact it’s more than wonderful those captured minutes are Golden and I for one love them…whatever happens upon that tired wooden bench is nothing short of miraculous, magical….

Well enough of my endless chatter, I’ve got hot chocolate to make, the garden birds to feed, their water to de ice, and washing to somehow get dry indoors🤔, oh the bloody joys…Anyhoo folks it’s snowing, cold enough to freeze the wotsits off a brass monkey, get icicles on your flute, so whatever your about today, wrap up warm, put on your fleecy undies and avoid black ice, there’s nowt dainty about landing on your butt, plus it’s embarrassing…..yeah I did😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, still I like purple😁. Take care all and look after you.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

winter is coming….Dear diary

Monday…

Over this last week I’ve sensed a real change in my Garden, each time I pass what’s left of my struggling little wilderness, you can see the plants dying off for the winter months, colours fading, replaced with far darker pigments, browns, orange and greens, I know it’s the way of things, Gardeners know the season of colour is short lived but plentiful..that said though there’s still much to see, and there’s seldom a day when I won’t pause long enough to reflect, taking in something I’ve spotted…a dew soaked dandelion clock, a scarlet lady bird crawling upon a geranium plant,the myriad of colours in a singular fallen leaf., These days more often than not, it’s flocks of excited wild birds in the old Sycamore tree, it’s seeds attracting a wide variety of bird life, the likes of Chaffinch, Goldfinch, Blue tits all filling their hungry tummies before taking off into the breeze leaving with frenzied calls before disappearing into the sky, Im fascinated with these boisterous and colourful new neighbours I have to admit, standing out in the laundry area, half heartedly pretending to hang the wash, with a child like wonder, I hold the phone aloft for Jesse to see whats is causing the catch in my throat. He of course cant make out the tiny colourful creatures high up in the tree, it’s yet another moment of deep sadness, as I long to have someone to share such things with, (but not just any someone though, it’s always a him someone🙂..

Tuesday…

I wake up early to make my first coffee, while the sky is still a deep dark inky blue, the moon with its pale ghostly halo still evident, not quite ready to make way for sunrise as of yet. These mornings though still beautiful, have a chill about them, I pull on my oversized hoodie, as walk about the flat gathering about me the soft fleecy folds to protect me from the colds icy fingers.. I await the kettle while looking out the window, watching the pale light begin to appear from behind the houses, I can hear a Blackbirds rendition of the dawn chorus in full swing, it’s sweet, pure and a very fitting greeting for the new day. Even before that first hint of gorgeous caffeine takes hold of my brains Neuro pathway, that I have made a decision, whether good or otherwise to go outside and take a walk …what does come over me?, I never know😁.

I,ll admit I was somewhat on the hesitant side as I began my journey, into the deep dark depths of the local park, the sky was an endless sheet of grey way into the horizon, and although the rain was holding off for now, the dampness was almost palpable, filling the air with moisture, clinging to your clothes, hair and the endless silky cobwebs that clung to anything stationary for more than a moment…

I hadnt felt the best for some days now, not ill exactly,there was nothing I could really put my finger on either, just slightly sluggish, indifferent, So maybe some fresh air would indeed lift the mood clouds hanging about. The first few minutes out the door were the hardest, I kept feeling the overwhelming urge to turn back, for the warmth of home where Sage my budgie sat patiently awaiting my return, but I kept thinking just one foot in front of the other Treez, you,’ll feel better for it, any moment now, ok like now would be good!!..huh!..

While over the park, it soon became apparent that the grass had been freshly cut,. while the rows of neatly manicured lines looked professional and tidy, before too many steps into my walk, the wet grass began to cling to my shoes, like a hospital plaster on arm hair😮, I impatiently stomped my feet to divest myself of the worst, but apart from looking like a spoilt toddler throwing 9.5 shockwave tantrum in a toy shop, nothing would shift it..pretty soon though I was all too distracted to bother with trivials like grass clumps, soaking wet socks or frozen toes digits, for each and every BlackBerry bush, the Scarlet leaved Virginia creeper, Hawthorne were decked out like Hollywood horror extras, covered in white silken webbing, even spanning the wide divides between the shrubbery…Pearl like dewdrops glistening in the watery sunlight like strands of jewels…I took picture after picture, standing there causing comment by more than one passing dog walker,,.

Over payment plan…

When I finally returned home, changed out of my dripping wet shoes, socks and trousers, then settling down on my chair with a large mug of hot chocolate, I checked through the days e-mails, there was the usual suspects, Amazon had found something it was sure I might like😋, I’m not sure if their even taking note of my viewing history, because if they are I’d like to know when I last looked at a pink flowery dress with deep pockets, a Fuchsia tutu, or a princess bedroom set, …might be persuaded with the Dragon pendant light though…😁, then there was car insurance for the imaginary Purple VW Beetle out the front of my flat, a funeral plan or even a life insurance ermmmmmm…But the last Email was indeed the best….

My electric suppliers kindly sent me a missive, it’s the second of its kind in the last four months…I read it through quickly thinking it was just my usual monthly payment invoice….but as I read it the second time, it became apparent the reasoning behind their contacting me, my account was too far in credit….yes you read that right😁, I was to far in the black…I know !!!!, There’s such a thing..

Over the summer months I had infact rationed my usage, taking to watching the little monitor they had provided more than two years back, All the while my power use had gone down drastically, I kept paying the same amount each month, I wanted to be pro active, sitting in a freezing cold flat holds little to no attraction for me…so I amassed a goodly amount of credit for over winter..

It seems my providers were not used to this kind of outrageous behaviour…Why couldn’t I owe them money like a normal customer? What was I possibly thinking?….well mainly not waking up to 3 degrees in my Artic livingroom, or having to dress up like an Eskimo in order visit the bathroom, ..I don’t exactly want to shimmy round in shorts and t shirt all winter, but being warm in ones home is kind of nice don’t you find?…

So while sipping my fast cooling cool hot chocolate😁, I emailed and explained it to them all over again, I thought about adding the odd diagram, with an authentic match stick me swathed in furs sat shivering on the loo for visuals, but maybe they wouldn’t get the sentiment, so I added plenty of big words for their easy perusal…have you ever felt youve done something wrong when you haven’t..exactly what’s up with these people?. I just want to pay my bill…sighs…Anyhoo enough jabbering on for the day, let’s go and see if I can over pay my rent some more to confuse my landlord…😁😁😁😁, whatever your up to today, enjoy yourself, stay warm, stay well and look after you…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Art for Art sake…Dear Diary

Autumn is approaching us fast, with it appears the overwhelming need to enhance my nest(home),. I find myself doing this embellishing thing quite unconsciously😁, adding yet another candle to my shelves, which are in truth already over burdened, a bright coloured Afghan throw, newly laundered lays upon the chair or at the bottom of the bed, also my ever burgeoning house plant collection almost always acquire more planty friends around this time also, these just magically happen,😁, My last accidental plant now stands monster sized, one spectacular vision of Purple inch plant, My friend Debbie swore I didn’t need another plant!!!!…but what does she mean even?, I innocently ask? Who doesn’t need yet another house plant or three?, How can one go into the long cold hard winter months, devoid of green growing things?😮, those little signs of life popping up about you while your attempting a full fledged hibernation…

Then there’s my twig collection..ok not quite a collection as of yet!, but there’s two of em now😊….the first I came across quite by chance, I mean not that you ever set out on a stroll, with the intention of bringing home odd shaped twigs, like some over excited Labrador😁, But as I walked about our local park last year, I came across this wonderful gnarly, cream coloured piece of fallen branch, bleached by that summer sun, flecks of silver rough bark remained on odd sections, but it’s the way it twists in and about itself that caught my eye, before I knew what I was doing, I stooped down all surreptitiously like, looking around to see if I was being watched😁, before grabbing the piece of branch, the rest as they say is history, it now dwells upon my sideboard with an assortment of plants dotted around it, looking most natural there..

Permission to mess up….

For some weeks now I’ve been watching small videos on water colour painting, most of which I squirrel away into the saved section,hoping to attempt at some point in the dim and distant future, that almost never happens though😊 …, I’ve always wanted to learn in fairness, not being at all naturally gifted, like my talented father and Aunt.. I have though somewhat dabbled half heartedly in the past(im a confessed dabbler of old😁) but my sad attempts fail dismally, somewhat like my painting the walls, somehow I end up with more paint upon the table, myself or floor than where it’s intended for…(that paint gets just everywhere…including my underwear….no your best off not asking, because even I’m without a clue….or is that infact clueless? (shakes head)I never know….but it’s a talent in its own self…

This said, recently Ive found myself watching one very talented lady from the United States, who yes still irritatingly enough makes everything look so damned simple😊, but along with this simplicity comes a brand new strategy..one I can get behind 100%,, One that also gives even those under achievers like myself fresh hope… So what’s new?, Well she starts from the very beginning, encouraging not only experimentation with water colours, but to go back to drawing and painting from your early childhood … Remember those quaint Square houses, triangle bodied people and the sun peeping from one corner of your school pictures so cute😊, Painting back then was innocent, creative and from the heart, . Something as an adult we have sadly lost forever…I also fall into this category, I had stopped being happy with my work, creations, mainly because I sought others approval, Needing to conform, Paint like those artist I greatly admire, Produce work like Stubbs, Dali, Constable and Van Gogh, my own excellent father…in my need to reach that pinnacle, I had missed the point…. creation for creations sake.

Not only does she absolutely encourage you to have fun..but there was one sentence she uttered as she worked,it struck home, right to my heart…that is give yourself permission to mess up. In doing this all tension is off…simple isn’t it?😁😁😁, why oh why didn’t I think of this before?, In the giving of this huge gift, permission to well, fail if needs be…and all the while learning from that very failure, there’s no pressure…you don’t have to create an old master..a work of art…just simply enjoy and create…

This is spilling over into all sorts of other parts of my life , I find myself more willing to try those things I would never have dreamed of just weeks previous…Things I thought impossible for me to achieve, yes If I’m going to be entirely honest, i still make those once dreaded mistakes, Oh how I bungle and fluff my way through some projects 😊, but I no longer get frustrated, or call myself stupid…More importantly, is my new unwillingness to just down tools, Saying to myself “I just can’t do this”, this is because I’m finding I actually can…it’s so refreshing to find I had that lacking confidence all along…I just needed permission to do things my own way, and learn it’s ok to mess up also….

Whatever your doing these beautiful autumnal days, give yourself permission to just enjoy the process, you’ve no one more important to impress but yourself..take care of yourself and stay safe…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Believe you can and your halfway there ..Theodore Roosevelt…Dear Diary

Monday…

I love the above quote, it’s so appropriate for me at this moment in time, well anytime really, As is also his Man in the Arena address, given on the 23rd of April 1910…I have this enlarged, framed above my bed…One constant and wonderful reminder that no matter how difficult life can seem for you at times, all the while your here, showing up each morning there’s a chance, a chance for things to improve…it’s a thought I cling to, But quite unlike Jack clinging to that huge lump of wood in the cold cold cruel sea( reference, the film Titanic) I’m hanging on bloody tightly to it…shoving Rose off if needs be 😮😁😁😁…. I can do ruthless😁.

Captains Log day Star date 138…

According to my phones Pedometer I’ve survived 138 days of healthy living…(shows you how well it knows me), Some days have been slightly more questionable, if not darn outright outrageous…On my birthday for example, way back in April for.. As that clock struck half passed Barn owl, which sounds absolutely more like a dementor or in fact a hallucinogenic Terradactyl, don’t ask it’s a clock I thought a good idea at one point in time, while alone scrolling unattended on the Zon… It has different bird sounds for every hour…(yeah I know what was I thinking?, this has yet to be determined though😁 but I digest….no not digest Treez stop ittt, digress thats it, I digress …Anyway it was late, my birthday, I was alone late into the night, a big Bar of Galaxy chocolate also sitting alone in the living room sideboard drawer…crying out pitifully with its seductive siren silky voice….I bellowed at it, although none too loudly in my mind like one does, (tell me this is even a real thing right?!!!!)…”stop, cease, quit, desist, please!!..but it wasn’t paying attention enough obviously…So I showed it who was Boss and ate it huh!!!!!!!, it was it’s own fault don’t feel sorry for it!!!!….But since that lone fateful cold night when that bar of chocolate and I shared a very brief special moment I’m proud to say I’ve been good….

As you also know I can’t abide the D word, no not Dentist (sighs😁..mumbles under breath, behind thebhand.. dxxt….You all know the one, denoting immediate deprivation, starvation, and never eating a single nice thing for EVER ever!!!!!!😮, But with my height not matching up to my ever expanding waistline, something had to be done, either that or buy more elastic waisted pants !….so back in February there I was, I stood bare foot in the cold, hail, fog and rain, pause for dramatic effect😁, Sacrificing everything last little thing with even slightest amount of yummyness at the alter of the Green Goddess,, aka the Bin, Yes after a brief prayer, chant, candle lighting and crossing myself, you have to cover all those bases don’t you?, I called upon the Gods old and new to make me slender, svelte,lissom and sylphlike overnight…..your not surprised it didn’t happen are you?😁…..nah me neither, guess there really is only one way then sighs?…we going in!!!

A lettuce leaf and half a cherry tomato 🍅,

Ok just a slight exaggeration, but I have been eating far more vegetation…vegetables, I joke about ditching, the cakes, sweets, and anything over processed as being a chore..but if I’m totally honest it was the right time for me..I had researched the subject thoroughly, not taking this on-board lightly or as a whim…after reading four books, listening to podcast after podcast on Spotify..everything fell with a loud thud into place…takes a while for me to catch up folks,😁, really does…the evidence was staring me in the face though..back about seven years ago I lost 60lbs in just over six months, no starvation, no endless trips to the torture chamber(Gym)… Just giving up Sugar, carbs and eating more lean meat, fish and veg…After the initial headaches from coming off sugar(that should tell you all you need right there), but something odd happened…I began to feel better, I had more energy, no brain fog, my pain levels became more manageable, even a long standing stomach issue cleared up…it was official I felt good!!! More importantly my blood pressure dropped, I went from six tablets daily to two, my weight slowly but surely began fall also…

I’m sorry to say though just after a year, I had slipped back into my old eating habits…along with the dreaded weight gain, my health nose dived..my pain levels doubled, last year, In fact i spent six months virtually bed bound…my knee swollen and agony, my doctors telling me to rest it up and all would be well…I bowed to their professional knowledge, because that’s what one does when given advice and your desperate… But the pain never decreased, the swelling became more apparent, as did the ever increasing weight gain from being immobile for months, it’s not im a constant eater, or even a picker, no matter how often I joke about it, no it’s not the amount of food I eat, but what I eat…the convenience food, the quick dinner because it hurts too much for me to stand, even small sweet treats spark inflammation around the body…

By February I had come to a conclusion something had to give, and it wasnt going to be me, not this time.., I posted how i ditched anything with sugar, ultra processed, or carb laden…Since then I’ve lost nearly 30lb…Yes watching everything you eat in the beginning is tedium to say the least…Eating out is difficult to almost impossible…but it’s about what you want most…what I want, crave, ney need…is normality, I want to wake ready to greet another dawn, I will never be pain free, because That’s my lot in life, Pain and I have become old friends, kind of strange I know, but acceptance is the key…what I can do something about though is improving things for myself…I’ve seen so many doctors now, specialist, and as kind as their intentions are, I’m no better…My illnesses are incurable, but there’s no harm in making the best of a bad situation…I feel better taking charge of my own health,it’s something I can do,… I will also keep researching, keep eating a healthy foods only, nutritious, fresh. Making wise choices…

As the months pass by, I find myself no longer craving the foodstuff I would eat previously, rather I’m enjoying the taste of fruit,not just enjoying actually, but really tasting it almost for the first time…peaches for instance have never tasted better, flavour intensified exponentially, I no longer need to over season food, it’s own clean earthy flavours, textures being far more preferential now…this way of eating isn’t for everyone, I get that …but if it improves my life even by a fraction I’m ready to work at it some more…the 30lb weight loss although a bonus is nothing to the clarity of thought, increased energy and decrease of meds…here’s to the next six months in the Arena…whatever your doing this beautiful summers day, enjoy, stay safe and look after yourself.x💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹

Diary of a Happy Hooker😁

Just about three weeks ago now, while I was sat indulging in my third Breakfast wine of that morning (Coffee to the uninitiated of us) .. Expending time like it’s limitless or something😊, watching a miniscule patch of cobalt blue sky getting slowly enveloped by the ever thickening dark blanket of charcoal grey cloud, the contrasting colours of rich warm autumn leaves swayed upon the breeze, capturing my attention fully, I know to make the most of mother natures bounty while I can, Because up until now we had been lucky, temperatures holding fast, well into double figures, even night frosts hadn’t quite found us yet, the red Geraniums I planted in the summer months, sheltering from the worst of the wind up against the flat wall, still infact covered in an abundance of scarlet flowers and we were in November, I often take a few moments in my day, for some quiet reflection, staring out the livingroom window, upon a world, i am increasingly retreating from, not consciously you understand, but it’s happening all the same..I lift the comforting warm brew to my lips once more, while at the same time being bought sharply back to the present by the ping, A text on my phone!….it’s a rare sound these days, so requiring some immediate attention😊.

Who or what had fetched me from such deep revelry?, you may thinking, well it was none other than a friend of some longstanding, with a rather different proposition to put before me😊….She needed someone with experience, I am I suppose somewhat experienced in this line, despite coming into the game much later than most of my contemporaries,..it would require me coming out of retirement of course, dusting off those long ago tools of the trade, that’s if I can even locate em in the first place,, having given up just the year previous…But maybe joining forces with this friend and her sister Andrea could in fact just be the answer to my prayers…Winter months here can be very long and drawn out affairs, not to mention tedious, especially when your practically housebound, this little venture could occupy my waking hours, making a real difference between slowly unravelling alone and sanity,(some would say it’s too late for that😊) We all know those early dark winter nights can be somewhat a chore without any viable occupation, much needed enrichment..I made another coffee!, for this would indeed require some amount of forethought….much much coffee! , I needed that buzz of caffeine, a hit around my extremely rapid hibernating brain…I text back at once “can you give me five minutes”..but inside, I already knew deep down my decision….I was In!, While the kettle boiled, I had a good rummage around in my drawers, knocking off the accumulation of dust and cobwebs, but at least now I had found the beginnings of what I needed…..😊

It didn’t take long for my mind to become filled with possibilities, I felt a renewed interest in general, filling that huge void I had not until this point known existed, I was suddenly a buzz with purpose, not only could I be useful once more, but it may well bring about something good…, I could join others to make a difference…Later that same morning I scoured “The Zon” (Amazon) for what!!!!!!? ahhhhh a secret!!!,(For now anyhow). I really don’t need much of an excuse to scroll the endless pages of glittering shiny wonderful products, but if I did, I had found it…clicking copious amounts of items with glee, remorselessly adding them to that imaginary Basket….this was fun!….I couldn’t wait to get started now….inside my stomach a fluttery feeling swirled, no my loves it wasn’t wind😊, it was that long forgotten feeling,, one of excitement!…

Soon as things began arriving I commenced, but first things first, I would need a refresher course, so YouTube it is then!, You can find out how to do just about anything there….and it wasn’t long before it all began to come back to me with a flourish, We all like a good refresher course though don’t we…….it’s like riding that blooming bike everyone’s on about😊….although I was late learning to do this too… As the leaves began to drop from the trees, the first cold weather finally took hold, I threw myself into my project with some abandonment….it wasn’t long before I had involved my daughter in with my exploits, not only her, But Debbie my dear friend, we have become quite a team, our merry band working towards a common purpose….

Since that very first Saturday, I’ve only really taken off one day, and that was to have a blood test, something I must confess I was not in fact looking forward to., Finding veins since chemo some twenty odd years on, has been like mining for silver in a tin mine … It almost always involves Some poor frustrated nurse digging around in my right arm, (this being the only arm available to them, my left arm strickly off limits due to losing lymph nodes from under my arm during a Breast cancer surgery… But alas, unless I booked myself in for my annual six monthly blood letting….(blood test), my meds wouldn’t be issued, which would be fine by me, I hate taking tablets, but for some reason I’m quite fond of living😁, you can see my dilemma here😊, So Debbie my accomplice, (friend) and myself, booked a date to meet up for coffee,(for I take some bribery in these matters, …I can be lured scarily easy just mention of a coffee, ask Jesse he used this method often😊😊😊😊😊, if that doesn’t work rattle a cake wrapper.. Fortified with caffeine once more from our favourite hide away farm cafe, we set out like intrepid explorers😊, turning up our collars against a chilling northern wind, which saw temps now dip well below freezing each night, Patches of snow lay about fields and any low lying ground…the pavements now covered in a glittering dusting of white hoar frost…looks beautiful, but staying upright for me is optimal…just my preference really.,, Debbie not quite trusting me to go into the doctors surgery alone for some reason, followed me in….she knows me oh so well😊, …..We stood in front of the glass encased cubicle waiting to be noticed, I said about dancing, but Deb wasn’t for this 😁,This is where they hold local receptionist,s captive… There they remain, normally in small packs..the wild receptionist being hugely territorial of its habitat….it’s for our protection really im convinced…

After loitering around outside the closed glass window for some time, pretending to be interested in the numerous posters for various ailments, the glass was shoved back with some force….Yes!!!!!! Came the disembodied voice….being already on the back foot, I stammer out in a high pitched squeaky voice my name…all the while looking into those glazed eyes glowering into mine….Debbie by now is stood right behind me in case I Bolt…, I’m already watching the doors, I turn and look pleadingly at her….but there’s to be no escape this time, so finding my voice once more from, it’s hiding place deep in my left sock, whence it’s sunk, I explain why I’m stood quaking there…..I just want to book a blood test honest!!!, Well I don’t want too, but you know how it is…The phone rings , phew saved by the bell….Well!!!!!!! Screams the red receptionist, I swear one word from her and I would never dare be ill again, ….after the whole waiting room and I swear most of the county learns about Mables swollen rumatic knee, the phone is slammed into next July, the beady glittery eyes return to myself…I quake, Debbie shoves a steadying hand upon my back …..Eventually between us a date is arranged for my impending doom, I mean blood test, yes blood test oh my!!!…as I turn slightly away from those wild eyes, like some poor rabbit caught in the headlights im frozen….the glass panel slams shut…narrowly missing my fingers….I run for the door quicker than a grey hound leaving the vets, as I turn to look back for Debbie, I imagine a puff of smoke curling up into the air escaping from between the glass….The receptionist I have since christened Helga, her large red eyes boring deep into my skull as I left, trembling I half joke with Debbie “Please God don’t let her do my bloods next week” well I think I was joking….

There was very little sleep to be had between then and that following Friday, thank goodness for my new project…I worked late into each night, burning the hours….the more my over stimulated mind was kept busy the better for all….trouble being with this is, it seems to make the time speed by….and it did…time to face Helga and her pack once more….I could see the gleaming blood dripping fangs ginning, a spiral of smoke emitting from each nostril….saints preserve me, ………..In preparation I had gulped my way through three coffees, and four 500ml bottles of water..supposed to inflate the veins. mmmmhmmm…. it did however do wonders for my bladder😊, to that end at least distracting me….. Gulping all the same as I faced those glass shutters once more…..facing that smile, the forced grin, showing off all those perfect teeth…pointy pointy teeth, Helgas tongue slowly moved over them, Was it actually forked? or a product of my fevered imagination… and this time I was completely alone…Debbie opting to sit in her warm safe car…I don’t blame her in the slightest… still I can’t help but feel like a fattened lamb fed to the slaughter…..booking in, I sit looking about myself and at the fellow victims…Patients…😊, I chat nervously at anyone who will listen…they smile, heads nodding…knowingly ….all to soon I hear someone call my name in the distance…ugh…I look about me…as though expecting someone to stand up and take my place…they dont, they wont…I stand, head down, eyes looking at my feet….don’t look em in the eyes, folks, never meet the eyes, it’s like your challenging them…I walk in that tiny room almost like Im about to face a firing squad, not just have a blood test…I follow her slowly, feet shuffling…..she tells me to take a seat, asks my name and date of birth….why oh why did she ask that?, For right then and there, I no longer know which day it is let alone when and if I was born…oh hell.!!!!!!…But in a calm soothing voice she chats to me, trying to put me at my ease….that’s never gonna happen, but I appreciate her efforts….she’s by now slowing turning my right arm, searching for the ever illusive veins….knowing where we are, those beggars have long since deserted me….your on your own mate!!!!! Oh and how I was….

Four attempts, numerous lumps of tape, and the words “sharp prick” later….I thought at first she was asking about of my Ex’s , I nervously joke, “they were not all that bad really”,. the nurse needle poised pointing down over the next spot asks what I had just said?, Oh nothing important honestly, the moment for jokes passing rapidly….eventually I hear jackpot!!!!, I dare not look, in case by doing that mere act it, will encourage the one brave vein to dry up, it had after all taking one for the team….soon as I’m taped I make good my escape, not looking back even for a moment, as I race for the door and my freedom….byeeeeeeee…..

Debbie was nowhere to be seen at this point in time, taking to hiding her tiny car behind a massive 4×4, just in case Helga came from behind the cage to get her to hold me down for the nurse 😁, having located her, we shot off as fast as her wee Nissan could take us, both of us too scared to mention the horrors from within…we still havnt….so now would you like to hear about our wee venture, my returning to being a hooker….think most of you have already guessed though….but in case you were worried about my welfare, I’m not standing on some darkened street corner touting my trade 😁😁😁😁, 1: with these legs I don’t look good in skirts, plus I can’t abide em, 2: it’s too damn cold out there….No what I’m actually doing is Far less exciting….I’m crocheting Beany hats for charity…I’ve since learnt new patterns, enjoying being productive and of use once more, I wake each morning, Procrastination chased away with coffee and speeding off my hook,yet another hat to keep another head warm, which in turn leaves me feeling fuzzy and warm inside …..until later folks, keep warm, keep safe and take care of yourself out there…..💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹🌻🌻🌹.