I had already sworn to myself, I would not word this, because in doing so I would give it credence, let it free from the once hidden constraints, the deepest passages of my mind, and once voiced there would be no binding the words back up, putting them back in their box, no locking them away,. they would be free, finding lives of their own, wreaking havoc, No longer just quietly haunting my mind in the darkness, lurking in shadowy corners, waiting to pounce…I could no longer live in that self indulged world of denial, ..now it was the steely cold world of truths, truths I had always buried in the dense undergrowth, you know it’s still out there, but that’s denial for you eventually it will want to break loose and want it’s time, !

I had used Christmas sorely, all the while I worked in a flurry of activity, I found myself coping with my lot most admirably, oh don’t get me wrong, while alone in the depth of night, I clawed over things, tangled tight woven conversations, looking for patterns, clues, rewinding, replaying each nuance until like those old reel to reel tapes of yesteryear, my taut mind threatened to snap…It and I am exhausted, but there’s no let up…Over my head both day and night hangs the mighty sword of Damocles, hanging by the solitary strand of golden hair, in some ways I long for my fate to be over, ( better to get it over with surely)…. Then there’s the other times I bury myself deep in my softest fleece blankets, lay upon my side staring at the freshly painted white wall beside me, the same walls I had painted just months previous, filled with hope, new beginning, what happened…whispering is what happened…..

Weeks before Christmas I had heard words I took on, from a well meaning source, supposedly looking out for me !, I’m not quite as sure now this being the case, People say things for all kinds of reasons known only to themselves, Many for their own devices, mischief…At first I let it play out in my mind, it taunted me until I saw shadows everywhere….this ruined the great joy I get each year over the Christmas period, I delight in its magical atmosphere, normally it’s a time when I lay to rest the stress of the year, that’s normally though…but not this year, I couldn’t settle, the what ifs attacked in full force?, The constant tortures of questioning, would brook no silencing, distraction didn’t chase away the darkness, it followed me even into rare moments of sleep, giving me no let up, backing me up against the wall…now I had to turn and face that shadow, the whispers, I could either let it carry on with its path of unwieldy destruction eating into my soul, or come out fighting….I chose the latter, I’ve learnt over the years with battling illness and life itself, I’m no quitter….

Christmas came and went, it was pleasant enough, I received some beautiful gifts, shared time with loved ones, but it was a massive time of self discovery, my strengths, weaknesses…my Achilles heel…I have only one and that’s those I love…So knowing this, I decided everything else didn’t matter, as long as they are well, as long as their there in whatever way they choose, the rest I can face alone if the time comes, and that know how it will …I can take on the beast of many faces, it’s shadowy form haunting me…, …I once read a story about young warriors who were sent out in the long cold nights of winter to test their bravery in hunting and learn survival skills, . One place they all feared, was a legendary deep dark cave, it was believed to be haunted by a ghost of a mighty fighter…All who came upon him in the night, either ran home terrified, or died grotesquely deaths…legends travelling down the ages, only served to make the creature bigger, more fierce, Men avoided the cave altogether….until one particular harsh winter’s night, a loan warrior was forced to take refuge in the very cave, wind whipped around the outside of the cave mouth, with it, heavy snowfall,

Cold, wet and tired our man was lucky enough to find oddments of dry kindling, Cutting some of his hair with a knife, using flint from kit he had carried upon he’s back, he built a small fire…warming his hands in front of the flickering embers, instantly feeling better…eating a little dried Elk meat his strength soon returned, then deciding to sleep until morning, for it was madness to try to travel on, Snow was settling fast,piling up at the entrance, temperatures dropping outside….it was warm in the cave ,eyes drooping, he soon slept, waking occasionally to add to the fire, when awake he sang to comfort himself, watching dancing shapes form in the amber glow upon the dark walls,

He sang to his ancestors, calling upon the men to guide him through the long night, he felt their voices echo around him, the breathes played in his hair, grandfathers, great grandfathers, sat with him by the fireside, he slept deeply finally in the full knowledge they stood guard, …..he hadn’t slept long though before something woke him, heart pounding in his chest, like a million butterflies trying to escape, his nerves taut, ready to fight, like those long gone on before him, …even with the fire, the air had turned freezing, the shadowy figures taller, Sounds vibrating, reverberating, energy flicked like lightning, every muscle now tight, he stilled himself, reaching down for the knife he used earlier, hand clasping the bone handle., Looking about him in the darkness, his eyes soon settled upon a shadow hunkered at the back of the cave…At first the man trembled, how could he take on such a mighty beast, it was bigger, for sure stronger surely….but what choice was there?, If not him who?

Soon he refound his courage, the songs of the long past filled the cave, he called to the shadow as he stood up tall, straight, …but the taller the man tried to appear, the shadow mocked him, it too grew in stature, he waved his knife in anger…the creature mimicking him, but coming no closer….after time the man weary but thoughtful, realised something …….the shadow beast couldn’t move if he didnt, so he sat back by the fire, too tired, accepting of his fate….as he sat in the chill, the creature also seemed glad to be seated…he called once more, but this time instead of repelling the beast, he called it to sit at his side by the fire, come into the light and get warm….as he lifted his hand to indicate friendship, the truth became apparent…..it was just a trick of the light…the mighty beast was no more than himself, his inner fears just made it appear larger…he would fear the beast no more,… leaving the cave the next day chuckling to himself as he walked away…Still it left him with the true knowledge that although the shadow beast hadn’t been real, What he had found was a new courage, if he could take on a beast so momentous in stature, (his own fears), then he could take on anything….

So what’s the Moral of our tale, I too had built up my fears, not willing to face them, the more attention I gave them, the bigger they grew, until I had nowhere left to run, So I could either invite it to the fire to get a closer look, or exhaust myself by remaining fearful, …I won’t say I’m no longer scared, because that’s a lie, but what I know to be true is if you can’t change something, then let it be, if it’s for you it’s for you…..Anyway what I can do something about, Is start off our new year, by wishing you all well, May it bring peace, love and hope throughout…stay safe, stay well out there 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛