Wintry Dear diary

Its 7:34 pm, I only know this because it says so in the corner of my tablet😁,Otherwise time holds little to no meaning in the wintery evenings…I’m laying in semi darkness, listening to the soft pattering of rain against my bedroom window, there’s a intermittent rhythmic drip drip drop upon an empty white gallon can, it lays there upon its side amongst the soggy grass outside, to some this may prove a real annoyance, I find it oddly comforting, a distraction from the otherwise endless silence, likewise the static buzz from my speakers humming away to themselves,….You would think after all th time I would have become somewhat immune to the deafening hush that fills the tiny rooms each and every night, but for me it’s anything but peaceful, it allows for those conversations playing over in your head, like the haunting three Christmas ghosts in Christmas carol,of the past, of the here and now, those yet to come, it’s an odd conundrum because although I’m not brilliant around others(I know hard to believe right?😃) I also don’t fair particularly within my own company either.

It’s one of the main reasons I venture outside on odd days, it can be hard going because every instinct from within screams at me to stay put, I’m unsure if this is the residual reactions from my past life with severe Agoraphobia or an inner need to listen to my closet recluse, I think if I’m honest I could so easily hide away from society altogether, it wouldn’t take much😊,. Leaving my small flat however takes more energy than I’m prepared to commit sometimes, I paint on a smile with that mornings make up, fill myself with a caffeine infusion and run out the door before I can talk myself out of it..

I cannot venture far however, mainly to the local park, shops or both. In the park i,’ll come across local dog walkers, some I’m actually beginning to recognise now😁, We pass odd pleasantries back and forth, have that topical moan about the weather, some though just nod, I find if honest I like this, it’s a nice remission from my own company, and it’s momentary, not over stressful or requiring me to be overly sociable, I cope, look forward to it even, it also helps they have dogs I get to fuss over, dogs I could quite easily socialise with 24/7, they seem to understand my strange aloofness, uninvolment with others. Dogs just get it😃😃😃😃😃😃😃.

Then there’s always something to pique ones interest, changing colours of trees for instance, although right now their dark skeletal branches are mainly devoid of much in the way of any leaf matter, Some however though have this glorious covering of dark olive green waxy ivy leaves, climbing up ever skyward, searching hairy roots clinging to the bark, there for hiding any embarrassment of the trees wintry nakedness…Small birds flit in amongst the leaf litter, their sometimes so fast, you could quite easily miss that flash of brilliant yellow from an aptly named goldfinch, or the chubby red chested Robin who sits up on the highest branches above little tail bobbing, his clear sweet voice replying to a neighbour off in the distance, I know they are only too aware of my presence amidst them, but whether it’s my slowness of gait, quietness or they just don’t find me any kind of threat, I’ve no idea, but they go about their day, inches from where I walk, I feel dozens of eyes observe this strange bi-ped with some degree of curiosity, almost as much as I watch them, it’s such a privilege …

The bench….

After a slow rather cumbersome stroll across the sodden grass, (it had rained over the previous day and night solid without a half time even😁) Anyway my feet are now making obnoxious squashing sqelching sounds, and im giggling away to myself like a possessed two year old, It around about then, i find myself drawn to an old wooden graffiti covered bench, the feet are truly frozen, aching so this is a welcome resting place, also a chance to observe families of Crows interacting, did you know they play?, Often finding a twig or pebble to throw and run after😁,. Huge soft Grey winged wood pigeons snuffling about the grass in search of their breakfast, Dog walkers greeting each other, while throwing balls off into the distance for their dogs to fetch, the dog runs off in some obedient pretension of locating their ball, only to get distracted in seconds by the thick undergrowth nearby, there they go off on their own sniffing adventures. Our equivalent of reading the paper, you can find out a mine of information when your nose is upon the ground…you,’ll have to take my word for this😁😁😁😁😁😁

I in turn watch from a safe distance🙂, part yet apart from their day, This said, every once in a while, As I sit quite immersed in my own thought, a peculiar thing happens.(nice though)..Someone will warily approach, sort of sidling across, before finally plucking up the courage to ask, somewhat timidly, “Can they share the bench”?😁, and I despite my lacking in any form of social togetherness,, well if im honest quite welcome this intrusion of introspection…it’s like that sad, dilapidated graffiti covered bench offers a momentary window of opportunity, a chance meeting of minds, whether alike or otherwise, a chance to share with another a section of their day, And for that brief time, in that no man’s land of companionship it’s like my awkwardness dissipates, I become fully relaxed into this stranger’s company, yet we are not strangers for now, not in the true sense anyway, because we fill those stolen few moments full of our lives, talk of our place of birth, families, dogs, issues of the day, the obligatory weather chat, absolutely anything goes, and it’s wonderful, in fact it’s more than wonderful those captured minutes are Golden and I for one love them…whatever happens upon that tired wooden bench is nothing short of miraculous, magical….

Well enough of my endless chatter, I’ve got hot chocolate to make, the garden birds to feed, their water to de ice, and washing to somehow get dry indoors🤔, oh the bloody joys…Anyhoo folks it’s snowing, cold enough to freeze the wotsits off a brass monkey, get icicles on your flute, so whatever your about today, wrap up warm, put on your fleecy undies and avoid black ice, there’s nowt dainty about landing on your butt, plus it’s embarrassing…..yeah I did😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, still I like purple😁. Take care all and look after you.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Dear Autumn diary…

As we headed toward mid August, I decided to try to take the odd walk around the local park once more…Winter is threatening to be long and cold, And I could already sense full hibernation is only a matter of weeks away😁, So it came with no great shock as made my way slowly across the sun scorched dry grass, that not far below the baked dry brittle grasses, mother nature and the soil were already making ready …

I could smell the rich deep, delicious loamy scent permeating the warm humid air, Leaves whether from the continued drought conditions or due infact to that early Autumn, were now dropping, spiralling in the breeze collecting in pools at the trees roots, just maybe they knew something i didnt..

It seemed everywhere I looked, trees were weighted down with fruits, On one walk alone, I spotted, pears, apples, blackberries, and two varieties of plum, I wasn’t adverse to a little foraging in amid the low lying branches, fending off the odd wasp or three to grab my breakfast, somehow always tastes better when it’s free doesn’t it?😁…

Even the local Hawthorne seem to be covered with sparkling scarlet berries, contrasting wonderfully with its leaves ever changing, Rose hips also seem plumper this year, ranging in colour from a deep crimson hue, to a dynamic eye catching orange, . I find myself stopping every few minutes relocating my cane from my hand, to the crook of my arm so I’m free to shoot pictures of any obliging twig, leaf or berry,. A tiny dewdrop of water clinging to rich black Elder berry sparkling in the sunlight enthrals and captures my imagination, these walks rarely fail to amuse me, even though I walk that same path each and every time..neither can I do them in any quicker time😁, there’s always a something to ooooh and arhhhh over…Jesse listens on with some amusement, as I rave over a dandelion clock, Berry or odd shaped twig…

There’s rarely a time, I hav,nt amused local dog walkers, often they come across me sat under a group of trees…No care that the ground may be damp from Dew or fresh rain, You just can’t beat sitting down directly upon the grass, amid fallen colourful leaves, buzzing bees, ants making their way up your legs or like yesterday a cabbage white butterfly coming to rest carefree upon my shoulder, neither of us care for others gaze as the dappled shade falls upon us, leaves rustling over ahead, in a sweet warm August breeze, sounding for all the world like the sea playing amid pebbles upon the beach…if I close my eyes a while, I could almost be anywhere..I’ve often drifted off in nature’s arms,

Rested, fortified, batteries charged once more, I regretfully put back on my shoes before finally making that final journey home, these trips always seem too brief these days, but each as tiring as they can be on the odd occasion do much to stave off boredom and help me sleep that bit easier at night…I’m off now to sort through the many many pictures I’ve collected on my poor phone😁….Whatever your up to this week, look after yourselves and maybe get out there and enjoy a wee walk of your own…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Washing day blues….Dear diary

Thursday…..

So what’s been happening with everyone out there?, are you all ok, not all gone into survival mode, trying to make it through these heatwaves, once called ermmmm let me see, oh yeah summer😁?, Here has been pretty much uneventful, well as uneventful as life gets while leading the secret life of Calamity Jane, .To the world around me I go about my mousy staid little life. In Boringville,only we know the actuality of living within the madness of Treez world…I can and have out Calamitied, Calamity on a daily basis. No two days are every the alike ever!!!!!!…

Take last Monday for instance….

Here,s where I should really come back with “oh someone take it please” but that’s old hat so I wont, but I did, oh never mindddd! ..Back to the subject woman!!!!, Monday started out calm, (quite pleasant on the whole really), I had had my numerous large mugs of coffee, One of which was partaken while enjoying being outside in the early morning sun,, The cleaning section of the day had well and truly commenced most satisfactory, everything was well under way, After coffee, I finished off cleaning the kitchen, while out there William Mcwasher, (aka the washing machine) conveniently came to a shuddering halt,. time then to hang out the wash …and yes you read that correctly, all my gadgets have names, even surnames 😮😁

This particular morning I had been blasting my out poor lugholes (ears) with sounds from the 80s, Apart from the odd song it was really cringe worthy . More cheese in those there tracks than in a Cathedral City factory…(other brands of Cheese are of course available… But I must confess in a strange sad lonely woman’s way, I was in truth enjoying these here tracks to the past…I belted out numerous numbers in my own unique fashion, …Oh yeah we were talking about the washing…sorry distraction be Thy name Treez,😁

I bellow along with Aha,s take on me, while stooping to gather up various items of freshly washed lavender and chamomile scented laundry, the acoustic,s are really quite remarkable with your head stuck in the drum of a washer yah know… Putting the last bits in my basket, I check Jesse is still sleeping in phoneland, before traipsing out the back to the washing line….(I am almost certain though that my foghorn rendition of Heaven is a place on earth by Belinda Carlisle and myself has acted as a sweet lullabye…😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁…

It’s a beautiful soft breezy morning, perfect for the purpose of laundry hanging out😁….birds are singing…well I think they are,(music is still on full at this point) and white feather (the blackbirds) beak is quite moving fast… Sort of like an ancient episode of Top of the pops(for those of you still under a 100) that my dearies was a long ago music programme, where miming was en vogue, Tvs had only three channels, mostly in black and white….I know shocking 😮😮😮😮, but I digress.. Fluffy white clouds speeding like late 9 to 5 drivers in their cobalt sky distract me, but only for a second, as one of my favourite 80s groups follows Belinda….Hot Chocolate.

Who doesn’t love a bit of Errol? …(him of Hot chocolate fame), especially that time defying classic, You sexy thing… It’s wonderful hearing it again, and whatever came over me, for what ever reason, possibly caffeine over indulgence, joie de vivre, life in general, just in the moment, who knows, but I jiggling about like an over stimulated fruit Jelly, My wobbly bits causing imminent tremors and avalanches in New Zealand or Papua New guinea as they sway in the breeze, confident in alone I sing out …..”I believe in milkos where you from, you sexy thing”, I’m louder than an announcement at Tesco for half price sanitary products “, I’m singing loud, proud and I don’t care…it’s my moment…I’m on the stage of Britain’s got no talent wowing the judges, at the 02 Arena, Glastonbury amidst the crowds going wild….I’m waving a large pair of Maroon womans boyshorts about my head, gyrating with every last thing I’ve got…….it’s then something catches the corner of my eye….

To my horror just a little behind me, where I’m performing my little heart out, is a guy up a ladder loping a neighbours tree, doing he’s utmost to stay secure while wiping the tears from his eyes on the back of his sleeve, now either his feeling very sorry for the tree or something is surely a miss, as I turn slowly to fully face my audience of one, the horror hits me square in the face….shorts still held momentarily aloft, blowing like a wind sock in the breeze, my jiggly bits only now, slowly coming to a halt, moment’s after I have in fact stopped moving…. Mouth ajar the next verse primed to leave my readied larynx, it slams shut immediately catching my tongue….my heated face turning almost Puce, do I smile, do I try to hide belated behind the Hedera helix ivy covered fence……do I heck, I shout ewwww wasp waving my bloomers at the invisible flying insect….the guy now out and out laughing ,wobbles on his ladder only saving himself himself from a certain fall by clutching at the fence, the electric tree lopper device waving menacingly about in the air…

This is a true to life Treezism, and you will be pleased to hear, no gardeners, bloomers, or fake wasps were hurt in the telling of it….whatever your doing out there today folks, stay safe, keep a look out for stray Gardens up ladders and look after yourselves you sexy thangs you 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🎤🎤🎤🎤🎤🎤🎙🎙🎙🎙🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶🎵🎵🎧

Slow it down I wanna get off….Dear blooming Diary…

My week has alternated some place between the mixed up, darn right insanity and oh what fresh new hell is this?, More of the last though, if you believe pretext it’s alienated instead of alternated and quite honestly I’m inclined to believe that more… Jesse has been busy with work of late, doing end of the month magical planet aligning figuring bookkeeper stuff, I’m thinking it’s all witchcraft, because it sounds like some ancient language spoken in tongues, only understood by “The ancient guild of wizardry accountants”, I know this!!!!!!

I listen in without minute modicum of comprehension, there’s much talk of spread sheets, graphs, invoices, B52s and real big numbers….adding together anything that takes more than two zero,s almost always brings me out into a cold sweat, (it harks way back to the teacher making us stand up in classs to recite the times tables, I used to try to hide under the tables at this point😁, but maybe my bright red hair gave my location away, I swear to this day though Ive been left traumatised). Plus the only spread sheets I have the remotest knowledge of is upon my bed, Even these take a degree in science to master, each corner on those blooming fitted sheets ping off in gleeful defiance, Just when you think you’ve finally won after doing ten laps about the bed and have all four corners situated firmly… But I digress as per the norm…Without the companionship of my online phone hubby, I slowly but surely go into my head….this folks is not advisable, not at least without a full ruck sack of cake, torch/flashlight, Satnav, map and a rope tied firmly about your waist….You may also want to scatter bread crumbs about, just in case, let’s err on the on the side of caution here,

Silence for me, far from being golden, Only means the mind monkeys chatter more, correction they become more efficient at making themselves heard and understood, their words not only insistent, but like little thorns in the heart, (scoring 180 with their little barbs) it’s why I find it almost impossible to be silent and have this incessant need to talk, it’s how i drown out haunting conversation from long ago that go around endlessly in my mind, Music helps, as does reading….

Anxiety levels spike and I will do almost anything for some form of desensitization, driving myself into a cleaning frenzy of epic proportions often happens, Seriously if you ever need your house cleaning sit me in silence for half an hour and i,’ll have your house sparkling in no time… I’m like one of those old fashioned push back let go toy cars on speed😊,. After just a week of my own company I had become so Anx ridden at times I was peeling myself from the ceiling at the slightest sound, (ewww look thought I had got all those cobwebs😲😁,

Adrenalin now ramped up to max, means sleep is hit and miss at best,…. Wednesday night for example …Jesse being exhausted had fallen into a deep slumber almost immediately, I’m laying there attempting to watch something on prime, My mind still moving at speeds of 0 to 100 in mere seconds, even in neutral (sleep gear, it’s still revving away in the background, My dreams are senseless, disjointed when I’m lucky, Horrific ultra high definition, rehashed horrors of yesteryear if not …The flat is silent except the low thrum of the dehumidifier in the living room, I get up at one when it gets unbearable and re_ clean the clean kitchen,🙄, Move stuff about, sighing i go back to bed as I’m already slowly but surely turning into a treezical from my toes up, it’s freezing here at 3am, I lay trying to quieten my thoughts, breathing trying to slow my anxiety levels down to a dull roar while thawing out at the same time..just as i start to get the feeling back in my feet somewhat….there’s an almighty crash!

It came from somewhere within the livingroom, I’m instantly torn between getting out of bed to take on all intruders, well for a brief instant, My trusty perfume bottle clutched tightly in my fist…don’t ask in fairness it was the first thing to hand🙄… I could of course spray them to death with Eau de youth Dew 😊, or throw if needs be, my aim being what it is though it would like as not land somewhere at my feet😁,… I’m tempted to pull the covers up over my head and fain sleep…but eventually I give in to my first instinct, climb out from between my nice warm covers and go in search of the offender, who in thought now, if I left them there long enough they would have turned into a yeti or frozen to death…….

Walking into the dimly lit living room” there be monsters in all the shadows”😁, it’s as I hesitantly go over to check on the front door, for the tenth time that evening, I note a neat pile of soil on the carpet by the door..Now either the many wood louse families that trek through each night after watching Nordic noir with me are burying bodies about the place or something is surely amiss here somewhere..Doesn’t take long for me to see that the Amaryrllis plant I have nurtured from a mere bulb😐 is now lying on its side amongst the pile of dust and debris…what was worse for me though was I had managed to get the plant to nearly 3ft in length, my all time Amaryllis growing record , it then sadly nose dived from the sideboard broken upon the floor,. Snapping the large buds from its long main stem., thankfully though there was just enough left to put into a glass of water…after picking up the plant I left the rest until morning, I no longer had the heart or energy to clear it up…least the soil was dry, some consolation if any was to be had…

By the end of the week nerves fraught, I knew though that I had put off going out to the post office quite long enough thankyou!, it would be a quick trip anyhow, I would be having the cab wait for me while I shot in, threw the packages at the unsuspecting post office personnel, pay and exit….huh it all looked so straight forward in my minds eye!😔….Friday morning the cab turned up, I was ready, I had my keys, bag, wallet, tissues, packages ready, I was ready…I was organised to the bloody gilt folks!, I dive in the car, a brief pass of pleasantries with Wayne my driver, talk of the weather kind of thing….I nervously ask you know your to wait for me right?, Maybe picking up on the tension Wayne calmly reassured me yes he would remain outside….phew!!!! Ok this is going to be ok, I’m going to be ok!, There’s not going to be a massive traffic jam at the lights, the car is not going to break down, or be a third world war of epic proportion occuring just in the tiny hamlet where I live ….breathe Treez breathe, I can do this😊

We reach our destination in five minutes, disaster averted, Wayne kindly parks as near to the tiny post office as he can…bless… I look back at him as I reluctantly close the car door behind me, once again picking up some stray vibe or look of apprehension, he said quietly i,’ll be right here, like that parent waving off their child at the school gate on their first big day…..I memorize the cabs location in my mind for all time….before giving it one last look and crossing the road…

Luck remained forever at my side, there’s no one else but the post master and assistant in there, I can’t believe it…oh the absolute joy be upon me!!!!! Thank you to all the gods in the universe, I will light a small candle, sacrifice a large sacred slice of cake, and drink coffee upon my knees at your alter for a week maybe more….ok not so much that last bit I would never arise again 😁…I bid them good morrow, smile my best wavering smile…I act far more confident than I will ever feel…..don’t let them pick up on your fear Treez, that’s when they will get yah!!!!, ….my throat parched and scratchy, I utter just two Parcels to send today please…it’s gonna be just fine, I think to myself….oh Treez why did you think that right then and there?…too late it’s out there now floating freely about the cosmos, look there it goes….!!!! Now you’ve done it woman! Ugh..

The assistant steps up to the fake, well smeared plastic glass, looking somewhat worn out already, it’s only just 10 am, but I feel for her at once, weve all been there,…I place the lightest package on the waiting scale….she finally meets my eyes and asks politely “where is this going please”?…..I reply “that ones for the USA thankyou”….she taps away on a small keypad somewhat halfhearted, looks up again, “where please”?, I repeat “the USA” …”oh ok”, taps some more….erm “where is destination”?, “Yeah the USA, United States”, back to tapping now furiously, I’m wondering if maybe in my anxious state im infact mumbling, but I’m fairness it does say USA in big block capitals on the front….but she asks again?….I say it as slowly as I can without grinding to a halt or causing offence, this time though just for good measure I throw in its full glorious title, “The USA”, “United states of America” …. ” Oh America” !!!!! Mmmmhmmmm,..She then preceded to try the flat envelope shaped package through a cardboard letterbox cut out,,,,”oh it’s small”, she goes off somewhere into the wide blue yonder of ‘the back room’, package still in hand,. Only Two seconds later for a man to appear, carrying said item, now unless Ive dozed off with all the excitement, or the world had gone into fast forward, spinning of into a parallel universe, that my friends was the quickest sex change ever recorded, marvellously done too though, even the voice grew deeper, maybe there’s a time machine back there, I try to cran my head around the plastic to have a look?… This new face looks into mine expectantly, “where too please”? Oh please not this again, i,’ll be good, honest….but I repeat and it goes smoothly, he then pretends to poke it through the small cut out letterbox thingy Bob, “ohhhh small”!!!!, I’m by now looking down at my shuffling feet, colour filling my cheeks and apologising most profusely for the size of my package, that’s a new one on me!!!!😁😁😁😁😁😁😁 I can hardly wait now until I have to explain where the next ones going….sighs

Don’t ask how that went, no please dont for my sake!!!, After being asked what was in it, where it’s destination was for, I was then asked whether I wanted first or second class post, three times I replied first please….only for him to say “yes that’s £7 second class please”…. After that I just couldn’t be blooming bothered to explain any further, finally agreeing yes that’s fine, I would have agreed to anything…send it via pony express, pigeon class, or I know I could always walk it the 300 miles it would be quicker…, I paid and without so much of a backward glance, ran before my poor waiting cab driver faded with starvation…when he asked was everything ok….I just smiled and said “oh yes fine fine”! Clicking the seat belt we head off back for the sanctuary of my little home……it’s mad out there…😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, tomorrow children if your all good i tell you the story of the crazy lady who forgot to take her meds over the weekend…..it wasn’t anything pretty lol, anyhow enough from me, take care of you whatever you get into x 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Diary of a Happy Hooker😁

Just about three weeks ago now, while I was sat indulging in my third Breakfast wine of that morning (Coffee to the uninitiated of us) .. Expending time like it’s limitless or something😊, watching a miniscule patch of cobalt blue sky getting slowly enveloped by the ever thickening dark blanket of charcoal grey cloud, the contrasting colours of rich warm autumn leaves swayed upon the breeze, capturing my attention fully, I know to make the most of mother natures bounty while I can, Because up until now we had been lucky, temperatures holding fast, well into double figures, even night frosts hadn’t quite found us yet, the red Geraniums I planted in the summer months, sheltering from the worst of the wind up against the flat wall, still infact covered in an abundance of scarlet flowers and we were in November, I often take a few moments in my day, for some quiet reflection, staring out the livingroom window, upon a world, i am increasingly retreating from, not consciously you understand, but it’s happening all the same..I lift the comforting warm brew to my lips once more, while at the same time being bought sharply back to the present by the ping, A text on my phone!….it’s a rare sound these days, so requiring some immediate attention😊.

Who or what had fetched me from such deep revelry?, you may thinking, well it was none other than a friend of some longstanding, with a rather different proposition to put before me😊….She needed someone with experience, I am I suppose somewhat experienced in this line, despite coming into the game much later than most of my contemporaries,..it would require me coming out of retirement of course, dusting off those long ago tools of the trade, that’s if I can even locate em in the first place,, having given up just the year previous…But maybe joining forces with this friend and her sister Andrea could in fact just be the answer to my prayers…Winter months here can be very long and drawn out affairs, not to mention tedious, especially when your practically housebound, this little venture could occupy my waking hours, making a real difference between slowly unravelling alone and sanity,(some would say it’s too late for that😊) We all know those early dark winter nights can be somewhat a chore without any viable occupation, much needed enrichment..I made another coffee!, for this would indeed require some amount of forethought….much much coffee! , I needed that buzz of caffeine, a hit around my extremely rapid hibernating brain…I text back at once “can you give me five minutes”..but inside, I already knew deep down my decision….I was In!, While the kettle boiled, I had a good rummage around in my drawers, knocking off the accumulation of dust and cobwebs, but at least now I had found the beginnings of what I needed…..😊

It didn’t take long for my mind to become filled with possibilities, I felt a renewed interest in general, filling that huge void I had not until this point known existed, I was suddenly a buzz with purpose, not only could I be useful once more, but it may well bring about something good…, I could join others to make a difference…Later that same morning I scoured “The Zon” (Amazon) for what!!!!!!? ahhhhh a secret!!!,(For now anyhow). I really don’t need much of an excuse to scroll the endless pages of glittering shiny wonderful products, but if I did, I had found it…clicking copious amounts of items with glee, remorselessly adding them to that imaginary Basket….this was fun!….I couldn’t wait to get started now….inside my stomach a fluttery feeling swirled, no my loves it wasn’t wind😊, it was that long forgotten feeling,, one of excitement!…

Soon as things began arriving I commenced, but first things first, I would need a refresher course, so YouTube it is then!, You can find out how to do just about anything there….and it wasn’t long before it all began to come back to me with a flourish, We all like a good refresher course though don’t we…….it’s like riding that blooming bike everyone’s on about😊….although I was late learning to do this too… As the leaves began to drop from the trees, the first cold weather finally took hold, I threw myself into my project with some abandonment….it wasn’t long before I had involved my daughter in with my exploits, not only her, But Debbie my dear friend, we have become quite a team, our merry band working towards a common purpose….

Since that very first Saturday, I’ve only really taken off one day, and that was to have a blood test, something I must confess I was not in fact looking forward to., Finding veins since chemo some twenty odd years on, has been like mining for silver in a tin mine … It almost always involves Some poor frustrated nurse digging around in my right arm, (this being the only arm available to them, my left arm strickly off limits due to losing lymph nodes from under my arm during a Breast cancer surgery… But alas, unless I booked myself in for my annual six monthly blood letting….(blood test), my meds wouldn’t be issued, which would be fine by me, I hate taking tablets, but for some reason I’m quite fond of living😁, you can see my dilemma here😊, So Debbie my accomplice, (friend) and myself, booked a date to meet up for coffee,(for I take some bribery in these matters, …I can be lured scarily easy just mention of a coffee, ask Jesse he used this method often😊😊😊😊😊, if that doesn’t work rattle a cake wrapper.. Fortified with caffeine once more from our favourite hide away farm cafe, we set out like intrepid explorers😊, turning up our collars against a chilling northern wind, which saw temps now dip well below freezing each night, Patches of snow lay about fields and any low lying ground…the pavements now covered in a glittering dusting of white hoar frost…looks beautiful, but staying upright for me is optimal…just my preference really.,, Debbie not quite trusting me to go into the doctors surgery alone for some reason, followed me in….she knows me oh so well😊, …..We stood in front of the glass encased cubicle waiting to be noticed, I said about dancing, but Deb wasn’t for this 😁,This is where they hold local receptionist,s captive… There they remain, normally in small packs..the wild receptionist being hugely territorial of its habitat….it’s for our protection really im convinced…

After loitering around outside the closed glass window for some time, pretending to be interested in the numerous posters for various ailments, the glass was shoved back with some force….Yes!!!!!! Came the disembodied voice….being already on the back foot, I stammer out in a high pitched squeaky voice my name…all the while looking into those glazed eyes glowering into mine….Debbie by now is stood right behind me in case I Bolt…, I’m already watching the doors, I turn and look pleadingly at her….but there’s to be no escape this time, so finding my voice once more from, it’s hiding place deep in my left sock, whence it’s sunk, I explain why I’m stood quaking there…..I just want to book a blood test honest!!!, Well I don’t want too, but you know how it is…The phone rings , phew saved by the bell….Well!!!!!!! Screams the red receptionist, I swear one word from her and I would never dare be ill again, ….after the whole waiting room and I swear most of the county learns about Mables swollen rumatic knee, the phone is slammed into next July, the beady glittery eyes return to myself…I quake, Debbie shoves a steadying hand upon my back …..Eventually between us a date is arranged for my impending doom, I mean blood test, yes blood test oh my!!!…as I turn slightly away from those wild eyes, like some poor rabbit caught in the headlights im frozen….the glass panel slams shut…narrowly missing my fingers….I run for the door quicker than a grey hound leaving the vets, as I turn to look back for Debbie, I imagine a puff of smoke curling up into the air escaping from between the glass….The receptionist I have since christened Helga, her large red eyes boring deep into my skull as I left, trembling I half joke with Debbie “Please God don’t let her do my bloods next week” well I think I was joking….

There was very little sleep to be had between then and that following Friday, thank goodness for my new project…I worked late into each night, burning the hours….the more my over stimulated mind was kept busy the better for all….trouble being with this is, it seems to make the time speed by….and it did…time to face Helga and her pack once more….I could see the gleaming blood dripping fangs ginning, a spiral of smoke emitting from each nostril….saints preserve me, ………..In preparation I had gulped my way through three coffees, and four 500ml bottles of water..supposed to inflate the veins. mmmmhmmm…. it did however do wonders for my bladder😊, to that end at least distracting me….. Gulping all the same as I faced those glass shutters once more…..facing that smile, the forced grin, showing off all those perfect teeth…pointy pointy teeth, Helgas tongue slowly moved over them, Was it actually forked? or a product of my fevered imagination… and this time I was completely alone…Debbie opting to sit in her warm safe car…I don’t blame her in the slightest… still I can’t help but feel like a fattened lamb fed to the slaughter…..booking in, I sit looking about myself and at the fellow victims…Patients…😊, I chat nervously at anyone who will listen…they smile, heads nodding…knowingly ….all to soon I hear someone call my name in the distance…ugh…I look about me…as though expecting someone to stand up and take my place…they dont, they wont…I stand, head down, eyes looking at my feet….don’t look em in the eyes, folks, never meet the eyes, it’s like your challenging them…I walk in that tiny room almost like Im about to face a firing squad, not just have a blood test…I follow her slowly, feet shuffling…..she tells me to take a seat, asks my name and date of birth….why oh why did she ask that?, For right then and there, I no longer know which day it is let alone when and if I was born…oh hell.!!!!!!…But in a calm soothing voice she chats to me, trying to put me at my ease….that’s never gonna happen, but I appreciate her efforts….she’s by now slowing turning my right arm, searching for the ever illusive veins….knowing where we are, those beggars have long since deserted me….your on your own mate!!!!! Oh and how I was….

Four attempts, numerous lumps of tape, and the words “sharp prick” later….I thought at first she was asking about of my Ex’s , I nervously joke, “they were not all that bad really”,. the nurse needle poised pointing down over the next spot asks what I had just said?, Oh nothing important honestly, the moment for jokes passing rapidly….eventually I hear jackpot!!!!, I dare not look, in case by doing that mere act it, will encourage the one brave vein to dry up, it had after all taking one for the team….soon as I’m taped I make good my escape, not looking back even for a moment, as I race for the door and my freedom….byeeeeeeee…..

Debbie was nowhere to be seen at this point in time, taking to hiding her tiny car behind a massive 4×4, just in case Helga came from behind the cage to get her to hold me down for the nurse 😁, having located her, we shot off as fast as her wee Nissan could take us, both of us too scared to mention the horrors from within…we still havnt….so now would you like to hear about our wee venture, my returning to being a hooker….think most of you have already guessed though….but in case you were worried about my welfare, I’m not standing on some darkened street corner touting my trade 😁😁😁😁, 1: with these legs I don’t look good in skirts, plus I can’t abide em, 2: it’s too damn cold out there….No what I’m actually doing is Far less exciting….I’m crocheting Beany hats for charity…I’ve since learnt new patterns, enjoying being productive and of use once more, I wake each morning, Procrastination chased away with coffee and speeding off my hook,yet another hat to keep another head warm, which in turn leaves me feeling fuzzy and warm inside …..until later folks, keep warm, keep safe and take care of yourself out there…..💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹🌻🌻🌹.

Dearest Diary….

How strange the last two weeks have been, my mood lurching from exalted highs, to much more grounding lows,. the darker nights draw in, although not effecting me quite so much as many, (well of course not) it is infact throwing me somewhat,.Days seem to be stretching out far longer for some unfathomable reason,..I wake roughly the same time, somewhere between six and seven am, there i begin my morning routine, with the usual three rounds of strong steaming hot coffee,(knowing full well I wouldn’t move without that caffeine kick in the pants😊) Most times I take the first back to bed, sipping it’s warmth, while watching some mindless rubbish on prime, my body warming back up like a basking reptile I need that warmth to move, for as much as I adore this time of year,. nature preparing herself for the long winter shut down, her pause mode, drifting into the oncoming sleep, cometh with winter of course, the not quite so welcome or romantic chill that’s alreasy begun once again to encase the flat, with it of course myself,

Last week I rather perilously clambered up and down my step ladders, half a dozen times, ( heights send my head in a spin, Even if it is just two steps up🙄😊) I was at the time though attempting to cover the bedroom windows with sheets of honeycombed patterned plastic, Because although I’m informed by the Estate agent, that the glazing is in fact suffice, (double glazed), Being No glazier myself of course, instinct tells me it’s far from…Most mornings now I draw back my curtains to see condensation mists fogging half way up each pane, water trails sliding down, leaving puddles of water upon the wood sill.. Taking into further consideration there’s no noise barrier from the outside, then there’s the lovely freezing breeze billowing my curtains, even though they are the heavier lined winter ones I put up mid october.. As I diligently work away at the task at hand, I can’t help but feel an oncoming sadness, Im shutting myself away further still, Away from my beloved outside, where I long to be and love, even though I venture outside less now, upon opening my curtains each morning, light flooded in, with it bringing welcome glimpses of new autumnal colouration, I feel imprisoned further now, another barrier put up in some endeavour to shut out the chill, at the same time closes me in further….but choices are few and I do what I have to, I quickly shut the curtains tightly preventing further sadness building from my new myopic fuzzy view. ….

I’m trying so hard not to use any form of heating, Every now and again bouts of shivering becomes gruesome and tiring, cold eats into my body, I give in finally when my hands are become painful, my nose blue, seems tissues are now a permanent fixture😊, Even though using my dehumidifier doesn’t exactly heat the room of choice, it does knock the temperature up slightly making it almost bearable, also drys the washing,.drying outside the last two weeks has become slowly more impractical..thanks British weather🙄,….When did heating become a luxury here I wonder?, The few times I’ve used it, Guilt washes over me, I watch the smart little blinky monitor that sits upon my chest of drawers, its bright orange pulsing warning light forever informing me I’m going over my electricity budget for that month., Even though I’m increasingly sitting in my dark cold world, the exception being a few cheery strings of flickering battery powered fairy lights, candles with their faint Amber warmth playfully flickering upon the walls….I curl up under my fleece blankets earlier most evenings, Settling down in my cave, like a creature slipping into winter hibernation….

In the week, I ventured out into the small side garden, spending ten minutes clearing small patches of weeds, it’s a brief moment of much needed daylight, I’m only too aware of the benefit of some natural light to ward off depression, doing anything in nature brings about its own reward, as I prepare the ground for the up coming new springs return…it’s like a sacred solemn promise to myself, just as winters approaching fast, with all it the cold onslaught, the darker nights, Spring always always will follow, in other words this too shall pass 😊, … With the soil cold upon my fingers, I shallow dig , clearing weeds and pebbles as I go, I never use gloves to work, it’s just another barrier from myself and mother nature, I love the loamy leafy smell from the patches of earth I work with…it’s smell is cool and delicious, as is the Smokey acrid scent upon the breeze from neighbours log burners, all at once I’m reminded of early morning walks to school, kicking leaves, picking up and inspecting the spent sad firework casings from the night previous, their gunpowdery smell mixing with the bonfire smoke from gardens, grey plumes hanging heavy upon the sharp frosty air…I straighten my aching back, allowing the memory to wash over me, that invisible link from the me of past to the me of today . I’m bought back from time traveling with a bump, as I look about reacquainting myself with my surroundings, out the corner of my eye, I spot a solitary small white pot, filled with early green sprouting daffodil spikes, ….I’m thinking they are from last year’s Paper white Narcissi, …when in flower they are stunning white waxy little multi headed plant, whose sweet perfume fills any room….immediately the compulsion to bring this show of life into my home over takes me…I quickly transfer the many bulbs into an earthen wear pot I had painted a few years back…

They are now sat by the window, their rapidly growing green spires reflect in the warm brown glossy grain of my Cherry wood coffee table, …the blues and sea greens of their hand painted pot adding a much needed splash of colour to the brighten up the otherwise drab livingroom, the life in their pointed leaves brings the outside in, I look forward to them hopefully flowering in the coming weeks,

The mystery of the stinking veggies……

During the last two weeks I’ve had this inexplicable craving for all things veggie, yeah I know I would have to be different🙄, Most folk want sugary carb laden stodge in winter, your cakes, sweets and biscuits….But for me the latest thing is courgettes, leek, Aubergine, carrots, cucumber and onion, all with lashings of garlic ….every night my plate is piled high with steamed crunchy vegetables, the only issue here is, I have to buy ever increasing amounts to top up the sad looking depleted fridge😊, which never bothers me of course, but I do find the increased number of Morrisons deliveries slightly embarrassing, especially living in my ownsome, I often wonder what crosses their mind…id blame Sage but he’s tiny budgie frame would soon give me away….😊.

Take last week for instance, I had my usual Morrisons delivery spot 12:30 on Tuesday, by that Thursday the cupboards or my case fridge was bare, no really it was!!!!!….Only the odd bell pepper and red onion to be seen, that’s not even one meal for moi😊…so I had this brainwave, (no stop it, it’s happens occasionally….tahdahhhhhh! Amazon fresh….remember this name now for future reference please good folksies…..This Zon ordering food malarkey is still fairly new one such as me, but In my opinion im getting the hang of it….I load my interweb virtual basket with Asparagus, Brussels, Green beans, peppers, cougette, tomatoes etc etc😊,. You have to spend over £25 anyway so no problem I think to myself!!!…..it really wasn’t either…I’m lucky enough to secure a 10 o’clock delivery for the very next morning…all good so far, right!!…

Even more impressive is my shopper had managed to find all I had ordered, it’s going to be a good day, I just know it!, . Last Friday In fact dawns one of those rare perfect cloud free Autumn mornings, the skies a glorious periwinkle blue, the sun has that faint surprising warmth attached to it, I’ve woken up in an extraordinary good mood matching the day ahead….I’ve three lines of laundry blowing in breeze…the window in the living room is open, chasing off the frausty too long enclosed air….my coffee is strong and alls right in my tiny corner of the planet….I should have known, this was never going to end well🙄😊😊😊😊😊, .

Just after 10 O’clock there’s the knock on my door, my Amazon delivery has arrived….I have vegetables at last, yay I can eat….Stood at my door is a rather tall gentleman, very friendly, a warm smile greets me, we pass pleasantries as he hands me the two large heavy brown paper bags, I Find I quite enjoy these small exchanges with delivery people, (it keeps me practice for those rare occasions I have to ‘re join the real world). All the while my driver is standing at the door though this horrible stench begins to fill my nose. To be honest I thought the poor guy must have stepped in something….it happens im sure your only to aware!!!, It was eye wateringly pungent, I could feel my nose hairs wither and fall to the floor in neat piles….before long I found myself holding my breath, or putting my hand up to my nose….where’s one of those good old fashioned vinaigrettes when one is required huh?…..Tears begin forming in the corners of my eyes, it’s only politeness preventing me from making my excuses an leaving the conversation early…. After my nose begins dripping in an effort to rid itsself of the stinky onslaught, I beg his pardon, thanking the driver i walk in closing the door on the prevailing pong….ughhhhh!,

I place the bags straight out into the kitchen, Start putting away the items, when I note almost at once, the smell had returned, just like some unwelcome guest,oh goodness its still there…. impossible I think! Surely it’s not me, is it????!!!!!, I turn about in my tiny Galley kitchen knocking into things, in some vain attempt at locating the source of this putrid smell…embarrassment flashing over me, surely I hadn’t just stood at that door chatting, stinking to high heaven….forgetting there’s no curtain at the kitchen window, I lift my top and arms to sniff…..yeah I really did that!!!!!!, I spin about sniffing around me like some amphetamine laced demented blood hound, but try as I might I just could not find the smell…..I checked my shoes, bottom of the bags, items in the blooming bags,,,, nothing…..but there it hung about in the air ….like so many garlands of strung up doggy do,s…. reaching under the sink for a bottle of disinfectant spray, I began dousing everything within reach….my house spiders ran for cover, havnt seen them since, I scrub every inch of myself, change my clothes respray the fetid air, oh help !!!.

That evening I decide to cook myself a chicken breast with green beans,Brussels sprouts, and broccoli…I prepare the veggies as the coated chicken cooks merrily away in the air fryer…I plan to steam them as is my norm….putting them on to cook for just minutes before letting them steam away for a further five in a covered bowl….As the vegetables cook away….this overwhelming smell rises up through the air in a nose abusing steamy stench….only it’s worse than ever….there’s no escape, as the moist air is making it rise up. Permeating every nook and cranny, thinking it has to be my imagination, I drain the veggies and leave them steaming in their bowl….five minutes later however I go back out into the kitchen, lift the lid on the steaming contents, and as I do….it’s like the steam takes on a life of its very own, ramming itself firmly up its nostril and strangling my throat….eyes watering, choking me….I put the lid straight back on before it gets a further strangle hold….When Im recovered enough, I grab out the green beans from my fridge…snapping one, I bravely sniff the offending item…..this it it! Voila!!!!, I’ve located the blooming pong!…..but not only do the beans stink, everything within reach does also, it’s all contaminated….I’m contaminated…my fingers are reeking….there’s no escaping, it evades everything….I scrub my hands numerous times, but I can still smell that lingering stink….ughhhh, I grab out all the vegetables from the fridge, I double bag everything and throw it straight out into the bin…angry at the waste, the cost, I don’t bother with dinner, I seemed to have had a sudden hunger bypass….next day I put in an order from my old favourite Morrisons, then thoroughly clean out the fridge,bleaching the kitchen afterwards …lesson learned the easiest way isn’t always the best….. It was one expensive lesson…I thank goodness for my sense of smell, who knows what damage would have ensued had I eaten any of that……well I hope you all have a good week ahead of you folks…take care of yourself and be careful out there …..💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄😁

Pocket watch….Dear diary

As young child I remember back being somewhat fascinated by a thick gold linked chain that stretched in a loose swag from a button hole of my Grandfathers black waist coat, into a small shallow pocket…looking back I thought how it must of been attached to a very prize possession, because it was always so very highly polished, gleaming in the light, being of that era where a small child was seen and not heard, I never felt brave enough to enquire into what it was, Grandfather being rather tall and thin of stature, I felt very much in awe.. To me he seemed also somewhat stern and unapproachable,not so sure he was actually, because all big people(adults seemed the same 😊 , But that was only my take on things.. This day though while clutching hold of my Dads hand, eager to make good our escape before the big person felt a sudden hunger and saw me as a likely snack….I had a vivid imagination even back then…., we were Saying our goodbyes at the end of a very dark hallway near to the front door..he must have seen me eyes drawn to the winking gleam of the chain…A rare smile heightened his drawn lined face, hes wrinkled calloussed hand, reaching in slowly to his waist coat pocket he withdrew what to me was one of the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, what light there was bounced off the elaborate scrollwork and feathery Pattens across its case, I held my breath as it hung there spinning about on its thick gold rope like chain, capturing not only time, but reflection as it danced, I was entranced, but even more so as Grandfather pushed down a button upon the top, where it flipped open suddenly, to reveal a white face, three black hands with one perfect red ruby by the number six…I gasped as hushed notes began playing, a tune, which to this day I can never remember😊, but as he held it up against my ear I heard it’s ticking,,,, it was alive!!! …..From then on in I was always going to have my very own one day (it’s what I now know as a fob watch) , My own time capturing treasure….. , recently I relented….now Sat constantly at my side hangs a black fobwatch. And it’s all mine!!!!!!!

There are nights I struggle with sleep, laying awake for hours, an endless silence crashes in on my every thought..it’s deafening with yet another long stark cool reminder….I’m alone!, …..what I do next for a modicum of comfort may seem odd to some, mayhap something quite peculiar,. I take my fob watch from its regular hanging place beside my bed, slipping it under my left ear..its black filigree case hard, cool to touch,. But when I hear its ticking, that small clockwork heart beat, sounding out the seconds, minutes, hours as they evaporate from night into new another dawn…. Metal internal cogs turn slow but constant, it’s become an instant comfort, a reminder of another time, another far off place, where my head would rest upon the warmth of another, listening to a similar beat, a beat that also made note of time, a time where I felt cocooned in a silken protective layer, far away from the outside world, one of warmth, safety, home, where monsters that lurk in shadowy nooks and corners of the troubled mind are vanquished….it’s as near as I can get to a return to that moment…close to when I felt protected…and more importantly both mind and body resting…

Furtively I look across to check the phone, seeing if Jesse sleeps, he does, so secretly once again I slip the watch under my left ear, it’s been a nightly occurrence of late, (habitual) for as much as I try to turn my small bedroom into a place of calm, tranquillity, with teddy soft yellow fleece throws covering the single bed, candlelight flickering and dancing sending aloft amber warmth across the cool white walls…all my favourite things surround me, but as I try to recreate a safe place, a haven…it’s not here… it’s never here!!!!, And I’ve craved escape from the darkness that’s ever encroaching my mood, it’s like housing a bee hive in one’s brain, feeling their fluttering, hearing their constant drone, waiting for the sting …it’s relentless, endless, what’s more I cannot create a retreat physically, it has to be mentally, until I find the answers inside myself, there’s no escape ….depression is a fickle beast, one of cunning in her depravity, once it’s sharp claws and teeth have hold of their 1lb of flesh there’s little one can do …. Just ride it out

Endless mind chatter pursues both day and night, even dreams are not sacred, they become fractured patterns of past, present and make believe, seen through kaleidoscopic eyes,. .. I know for instance that I’m more inclined to feel the need to chat around these times, talking shuts out the endless droning words of cruelty…that inner bully,, If there’s no one around to talk at😊, I try to immerse myself into one of the many books I may read during the course of a week, as I’ve said often in the past, there’s a grand secret pathway of liberation via the authors written word, Some come with time machines that whisk you off in a mere moment to other century, becoming your own time lord,😊…, Others have exotic climes and places,,,whichever it happens to be it’s freedom from ones own thoughts,… I devour the words, page after page, hungry for that departure from life, living all too often vicariously through the characters lives, those being infinitely better than my own😊….I don’t see them as trapped between the covers of books, they are adventurous, fearless with endless possibilities, all the things I cannot be at this present juncture ….

Never were books more important than this week, daily the skies where almost black and heavy with still more rain, Cabin fever hitting me more often than I would like, although I’m virtually house bound it’s good to have the option to get outdoors, should I so choose, I rarely do but I’m contrary like that…I just like to know it’s there😊, so far this week, I’ve read four books, using the pull of each as a bribe, I can read more when I’ve vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, made food…it prevents the screaming blacks(depression ) from taking over completely, I refuse to be suffocated by its density…it’s my wee fight toward light…it’s where my pertinacious works for me, wading through swamps of the depressed mind is fearsome, I’m oft scared I will get lost permanently, unable to find my way back…but while in recovery from my latest battle, I use words as my shield, whether souced from one of my favourite songs or penned by a brilliant author, story tellers…I’m deeply grateful to both at these times….them and my loved ones become the warm glow of the brightest candle, my guides ….they will never know the gratitude or love I feel……enough chatter from me folks….stay warm, stay safe, and look after you, because your amazing….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Dear Diary Monday morning…..

For years I had carried around a crumpled piece of gold paper, Until it became too worn and creased, the words upon it now unreadable…those words back some twenty odd years ago, had struck a chord deep within me, I carried the paper about in every jacket pocket I wore, it acted as a kind of talisman to ward off the evil Panic attacks that hit suddenly, especially anytime I ventured outside my front door. I was safe, I had my piece of paper, I could touch it, it was real..unlike the lie, the threat of instant deathly panic attacks bought.. The wording on it?, Simple but effective…”Remember today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday”(Dale Carnegie).

For the other thinker that exists within me, these words bought a modicum of comfort, I’m always running off worried about tomorrow, next week, next year before today’s barely even begun, It can’t be helped, it has always been such, and I’m to old to change now😁, I’ve missed out on so much worrying the days away…And Sunday was no exception, I knew only to well Monday bought with it, a doctor’s appointment, and I really didn’t want to go…there was no reason, nothing bad was about to happen, but my frame of mind wasn’t right, yeah I know when is my mind right ?😁…But each time I go I’ve been sent from pillar to post, seen one specialist after another, each department not knowing what to do for me…I don’t blame them I don’t know either😁, Yesterday I had to visit a musculoskeletal disorder specialist…I had trouble pronouncing it never mind anything else..but after a lifetime you tire of the endless doctors trips only leading to more disapointment, ….,

But I woke up early, one needs to you know, if your going to get a really good amount of anxiety steam up, add one icy cold shower, Two XXL coffees so strong you can hear my cup pleading for mercy two counties over, yup anxiety levels ✔, (I’m nothing if not professional you know folks,. On my bedside organiser sat a bright yellow post it note it glares at me constantly, just to remind me of the obvious(why do we call them that anyway?, Because we don’t actually do we…post it I mean, anyway theres the hastily scrawled words on one side, Cab booked for 10:40am Monday, least I had got it together enough to pre book it friday😁, minor miracle right there!. I sit doing my make up, the clocks hands seeming to spin round at a quick smart pace….why oh why does it do that, it’s not decent ?…

Without to much ado I’m ready and waiting for my cab, which turns up promptly at 10:40 am, I receive a text letting me know it’s sat outside, I like that!…stops me running back and forth to the window every minute checking, Ok it really doesn’t but it sounds good !…I clamber clumsily into the back, and immediately begin chatting the poor drivers ear off, we discuss anything from bulk buying shower Gels to the Biden crises in the USA, (well I do)…there’s got to be a link there somewhere im sure, oh one of those segue thingys,🙄, When ones fully locked and loaded, caffinated up nervous to boot, this mouth has no limits and a mind of its own, ..I hear Jesse sigh contentedly as his finally getting a well earned break, peace at last😁, im sure theres times he longs for my batteries to wear down….think energiser bunny on speed and you’ve got me🐇.

The journeys quick and quite unremarkable, And as the driver pulls up outside the doctors surgery, I happen to glance up at the flashing clock upon the dashboard, oh it’s only showing £10 that’s not so bad…until I look again and see it’s actually showing just a few more noughts…like in the region of £10,000, worth!!…now it was a nice journey and we could possibly argue it came with thrown in added counselling …but it was only ten minutes total, that’s a whopping £1,000 a minute…erm no, …my driver laughs nervously and apologises profusely…it’s not really that he says horrified look upon he’s face…Well thank goodness for that, I begin to feel my bank card tremble somewhere in my RAF wallet, I don’t posses a fraction of that…the driver looks back and tells me it is a more realistic £6, much better!!!phew…I had envisioned for a brief moment me washing their cars for the rest of my days.

After a brief visit with reception…I try talking at them but with a two inch sheet of thick glass and a phone glued to her ear it seemed from indication I was encouraged to take a seat…I spend half hour or so locating one as physically far away from my fellow waitees as possible (without taking one outside of course 😁…Having no immunity and being the local virus magnet is not a good combination…I finally hunt my chair down, it’s one of two right up against the waiting room wall…I can see the doors and the whole room from my vantage point…I get comfortable to do my favourite thing…people watching.

At first there’s just me and two others, they are contentedly staring down at their phones, necks cranned, (these are no fun!!!!), But I don’t have long to wait before a mother comes running in at some speed being dragged along by two young unwieldy children one in each hand, Mum herself only looks a few years older, damn I’m getting old 😁🙄, They sit not far from me, the boy tries to make instant contact…a cheeky shy smile then he’s back hiding…I find myself grinning back…can’t help it..the little girl whose adorable sits on mum’s lap, going in for the strangle hold about her neck…(I will call her Gertrude for the purposes of this missive) ..The boy we will call Tobias (oh yes I like it)….Anyway little Gertie since coming into the surgery has had her index finger quite firmly implanted up her left nostril..seriously it never left her nose once..mean while Tobias is already forming a very effective climbing frame in the centre of the room using chairs..it looks fun I’m tempted to ask could I play…when this stern warning glare, (enough to evaporate you into a pile of ash) from miss reception comes me way, a don’t you dare kind of look…I look away instantly before I’m turned to stone…Little Gertie finger still firmly encased, Is now off mums lap, (mum can finally take a breath now she’s not being strangled)…Gertie decides to read a nice leaflet about heart disease and erectile dysfunction…I’m not sure this is quite suitable reading for a two year old but kids are forward these days now right?!, Mothers now free to check out her phone…am I the only without a phone glued to my hand…hmmm, Gertie goes back for more information, have to give it to this girl she’s obviously more well read than most adults..maybe it’s the whole finger up the nose thing???…I look at my index finger closely, taking a sly look up under my fringe at reception dragon..(I mean lady)…she’s shaking her head in warning…damn she’s good!!!….

Fed up with his ever growing construction, Tobias is now turning his hand to plumbing…it seems the wall radiator needed some adjustments…not to be outdone his sister takes a break from reading about men’s plumbing to help her brother, heads together in a huddle, they are in close discussion, it looked serious there for a moment, maybe it’s curtains for the radiator😁…Tobias quits turning the knobs, and begins kicking it…havnt we all done this at some point….works with car tyres so why not?…Gertie tries the slapping it thoroughly approach and when that doesn’t work an ear splitting scream might!…not achieving their goal Tobias thinks it’s time for tools, grabbing plastic leaflet holders, leaflets nicely carpeting the floor now ….(seems we have part time jobs in interior design also, We begin soundly whacking the offending radiator to within an inch of its life….and I look on confounded, no one there is infact batting an eyelid…including Helga the reception dragon…I go to get up to visit the ladies and maybe join in with the percussion session…in an instant her head shoots up from the computer screen and looks my way, i sit back down quickly I,ll hold it I think….

Just before my name is called out, I see little Gertrude valiantly grappling with a walking frame, dragging it over to where Tobias is by now using mums umbrella to poke the radiator soundly…I don’t want to go in to see the doctor..I want to watch the next upcoming YouTube sensation on how to do radiator repairs at home…but I can’t Helga is looking my way again….so I follow the doctor in. Sighs….

Throughout my talk with the doctor, I hear the banging and crashing now re- commencing in full swing…the musculoskeletal ….oh bone doctor turns to me at this point and asks what is going on out there?, I look at her straight faced oh just some engineers repairing the radiator…she looks at me somewhat confused, I wasn’t about to tell her, would you?….We go on discussing an on going treatment plan for my EDS…she was lovely, very honest, admitting there really is nothing apart from physiotherapy long term…but I already knew that…I have however got to go for a bone scan at some point….oh for joy!. But I thanked her for her time, least someone was doing something…that’s a start…Maybe I should visit Gertie and Tobias,s clinic…I’m sure it’s only a matter of time….😁

As I walk back out both Gertie and her brother are running full tilt inbetween the chairs and patient’s alike, knocking over anything in their path….I worry for Gertie finger still, firmly lodged up her nose, what if she falls?, will her finger lodge up even further forever !!!!!, worse still break up there, doesn’t bear thinking about 😮😮😮😮😮😮,. But as I look back after walking through the automatic doors, I came across a theory(a light bulb moment if you will) maybe just maybe, little Gerties finger is in fact a USB cable, it’s her power source, She’s all plugged in💡💡💡💡….I look down at my finger again….I’m outside by now huh whatcha gonna do now!!!…Miss Helga Medussa Macangry face Dragon lady!!….I jump visibly as a loud rap comes upon the glass behind me…shes only seen me!!!!!….however it was in fact no more than wee Tobias getting my attention and waving an enthusiastic goodbye…..him and his little sister had made my day if they did but know it….. Anyway folks enough from me, I hope your all making the most of the warmer weather…enjoy while you can. It will probably be winter again next week😁 …take care of you 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Everybunny needs to rule the home🎶

One October afternoon nearly five years ago now , I took my first somewhat sedate walk down to my local lidls, it had been weeks since my last excursion, it was only a five minute walk from my then rental home..but at that time, in mid recovery from the endless gifting joys of Covid long hauling, that short walk had in fact felt more like five miles, instead of just minutes away,. After this I endeavoured to push myself out the door at least once a week, it took a huge amount of talking to myself if not out and out bullying…. And if neither of these worked, I resorted to bribery, chocolate got you everywhere😁, I would start gearing myself up for the venture somewhere on or near the Monday, and maybe just maybe, by that Wednesday I might be in the frame of mind to go, but not always!😁.but go I did.

I knew I had to make the effort, as arduous as this thing was, it would be good for me, both mentally and physically,. But that was the sensible side of me speaking,😁. Over the previous three years you see, I had slowly and unconsciously with very little effort on my part, slipped into a cozy cocooned world of isolation, it felt like it had almost happened over night, I didn’t see it coming, or feel it’s creeping into my daily existence,but if honest, I didn’t care too deeply either way, I liked my little bubble world, my idle of tranquillity, it was safe. Secure!😁.

It wasn’t until my earliest attempts at walking locally one afternoon,that I had discovered the true impact of that self same isolation though. I was already struggling with recovery, as I hinted in the beginning, I wasn’t helped at all by the amount of acrid smelling smoke filling the already damp, chilled October air, it burnt my lungs and filled my chest,. Log burning stoves were here to stay, and with the rising costs of fuel to dizzying heights, I understood it only to well having one myself for that reason, people had to do what they could to stay warm.

I would make it to the local war memorial, only to flop down thankfully upon the green flakey painted bench to recoup., Despite the autumnal chill my body would be soaked through by then, I felt uncomfortable, but if ever I was to rejoin the real world this was a small price to pay, sitting there just long enough to catch my breath, watching the world speed by me in a hazy blur, it really felt like everything moved faster than the norm, I tried looking into people’s faces, but recognized none, why would i?, Also at that time faces were hidden behind masks, Masks that made it impossible for me to recognise a smile, a friendly face to at least identify somewhat with, but we were all locked away, locked behind lumps of cloth.

No matter how hard things were though, how much it took out of me, I coped, it didn’t get easier, I just polished up my coping skills…what didn’t help in the slightest was after pushing myself through what felt like an impenetrable barrier, I had to return home…yes I know that sounds contradictory doesn’t it?, but me explain, appeal to your patience a moment.. If being outside set off any number of triggers….coming back opening that front door to a cool stark world of emptiness, was indeed one of the loneliest moments I’ve had in my life…there was no one to call out to “I’m back!!!”, no greeting at the door. ..in as much as the outside world held fear..the inside beckoned no great welcome either,. I had tried making it a home, breathe warmth into my surroundings, I needed cozy,. I filled the large red sofa with soft sherpa fleece blankets, cushions, candles dotted around, small pieces of my personality, yet still it just felt a house,dwelling, not the home I craved..

I had sensed long since, what had been missing from this new array of soft furnishings, this clean comfortable inside, as cozy as it looked, there was no life, …apart from me and Jesse in constant video land, nothing moved, the house had no heartbeat, no sound, I had lived around animals and pets my whole lifetime, my world didn’t feel right, it was out of kilter.

Even after I had realised this, it wasn’t going to be as simple as going out and getting a pet of some variety, I had so much to consider, You can’t do these things lightly. I had not been in the best health for some time now, what if I couldn’t manage the upkeep?, what if I became sick ?, Getting my new buddy to and from vets?,. For weeks I went over things in my head, who was I actually doing this for?, Was it for my sake or the pet?,was this a selfish act on my part, This turmoil began in earnest. And after two weeks of the deepest soul searching, I had all but decided I wasn’t in a fit place or state of mind to take on the correct care of another living, breathing being, this settled it in my mind, I did feel some relief though,.

That was until later that very same night….

I had thrown my slimming world dinner unceremoniously into my micro wave, while I waited for what felt like an endless ten minutes, i closed the curtains shutting out the cold wet evening and securely locking the front door on it, that’s where it would remain., the log burner crackled, flames hungrily engulfed the wood I had just piled high, it sent shadows dancing about the room, warm and dinner in front of me i settled down to the peace of the evening. As with many evenings I set about scrolling through Facebook while I ate.. It was a Monday one of Jesse’s busier days, so I amused myself with pointless memes, and slow cooker recipes I would save never to make..

I hadn’t been on there long, when pictures of rabbits seeking new homes flashed up on my screen,. it had become big business for breeders that year, Baby rabbits commanding ever higher prices, prices of the like I had never seen before or since, but then all pets were, this was one very strange era of lockdown we had found ourselves living, I knew as I scrolled by picture after picture of adorable bundles of fur, it was if not imminent, then only a matter of time before the lockdown bubble would burst..first time pet owners who bought companions, would soon be freed once again, some leaving their new found friends seeking another place of residence, remembering my the decision I had freshly made just earlier, I made swiftly to leave this sadness behind me, but just before I could scroll away, there at the top of the page, sat an older rabbit, a delightful mass of pale cream and grey fur..

There was something about the beady black eye facing me in the photo that grabbed my full attention ., an instant connection if you will, He’s eyes were knowing and gentle, here hunched up, wasn’t a cute baby bundle, but I felt a pull, a tug at my heart, because of his age would he even be considered? …with this though came the turmoil of my health concerns, if I broke down and took on him or any other rabbit would I be offering him a life long home or a temporary respite?..was this a selfless or selfish act?, I couldn’t be sure..flicking the arrow to scroll away from the page, I was left with a feeling of uncertainty all evening…despite every effort on my part that night, I could not forget those eyes, they had very effectively ate away at my defences..I decided the sensible thing to do would be to not do anything that night, sleep on it. And hopefully someone else would also be taken with him, someone younger, fitter, with a family perhaps, then it wasn’t meant to be was it!… To say I slept little that night was putting it mildly,.

I scrolled many times the next day through Facebook, each time whether consciously or not I found myself back looking at the little cream mini lop rabbit, by now though he even had a name…there was nothing for it, I emailed his present owner, what was the harm right?, If he had gone that would be an end to it, I could stop this insanity, go back to normal, throughout that day I checked my inbox, growing ever more despondent at my chances. Night crept in and I had heard nothing,!!!! Once again as darkness fell, I locked myself away, shutting another night out and an even more alone me in..

As I settled my mind once again to what’s meant for you will be no matter the difficulty involved, I put the matter to an uneasy rest….but just seconds later a ping!… And the rest being history, enter stage left Cinnamon bun, his owner at the time unsure of an exact age, but roughly around 3/4 years, he had exchanged hands a few times already by then. Now here we were making arrangements, I must confess part of me still begged to be let off, it wasn’t I was scared of this commitment now, but would I be just another quick fix, or he’s forever…I went into this hoping, longing for the best scenario..that I would be around long enough.

Three nights later, a brand new cage sat in my livingroom, it’s shining bars glaring mockingly at me, almost shouting “fool!” , “what are you doing”?. I had bought this along with a feed bowl, water bottle, food, hay, straw..I was ready practically!, emotionally though I was anything but..Cinnamon wasn’t my first rabbit. Over the years I had taken on many unwanted, abandoned buns all seeking homes..I knew full well what I was getting into. I sat the rest of that night on the edge of my big red sofa, like a school girl about to go on her first blind date 😁, Jumping at every sound, the slam of every car door setting off panic from within..Finally I received at text, they were here, …the hand over, on that fog bound night was overly quickly. She didn’t even glance back as she left him behind shutting the door., I placed Cinnamon in his new home, after a quick caress of his soft silky fur, leaving him to settle in..before that night he had only lived in a hutch outside, not in such close proximity to a crazy lady, This must have been one huge challenge for such a small bun… Indeed for us both.

Several times that night, I crept out into the living room to check on my new room mate, he hadnt moved from the spot I left him in,. Sat in amongst a pile of fresh hay.,he sat so still I touched him just to be sure he had not succumbed to shock, (rabbits being delicate of nature, as prey animals tend to be).. The next few days we watched one another wearily, he wasn’t eating, but I took comfort in the fact he drank plenty though, I was soon to learn he hated hay, wouldn’t eat it, didn’t want it in his cage either, taking to poking bits out through the bars so adaptly, that my living room was now more covered than his cage bottom😁, The beginning of his personality became apparent. Cinnamon knew what he liked, what he didn’t like was the pellet food I was told he ate…a whole bag of science selective lay untouched, as did the next four equally expensive brands, I tried every type of hay, oh yes folks hay comes in many guises😁, and my roomy hated them all!…I luckily found a local rescue glad to take them as a donation from my fussy bun friend😁.

Eventually though we settled into our routine together, we formed a pact, I was left in no doubt not to expect cuddles, or purring as several of my past buns had, If I accepted his terms then I may stroke ones fur on the odd occasion..if I let him have run of the house, he promptly hid away under my bed never to be seen of again, that was unless I lay sprawled on the floor to retrieve a by now very moody Cinnamon,.

We established early on, he was despite only ever having been an outside rabbit, he was in fact very much housetrained, never once slipping up, waiting until back in his cage to relieve himself, . The other thing that had been apparent from the get go was that Cinnie suffered from gastric issues at any sign of stress, I had to be exceptionally careful with introducing anything new to him, this included different people in our house this too would set him off,.It was fine by me, we rarely had visitors anyhow.. He soon had me trained as far as going out was concerned, (I couldnt), if I should happen to for any reason whatsoever, like a doctor’s appointment, he sulked for hours, back turned to me and stomping out his disapproval with a cute fluffy foot. I think we soon discovered who was in charge… Here’s a clue, it’s not me😁. But at least now when I returned home, that icy cold sensation was replaced, no longer stark, it had been replaced by a new sensation, it was at last a home.our home.

That was five years since and myself and Cinnie are still firm friends, he no longer has a cage, I had a two story abode built specially for him, within weeks of his moving in, last year our family had an increase….we were joined by a crazy potty mouthed blue budgie Sage,..the bond between Cinnie and I hasn’t diminished any, over the years we have grown in our understanding of each other, to anyone living in a similar situation you will understand he never was and never will be just a pet, or companion, for he’s far more. His managed single pawed to turn a nervous highly strung individual into someone calmer, his presence taking away that cold loneliness, in it’s place filled with it friendship, and joy…

But with every wonderful relationship, comes an ending, one im dreading with all my heart..since late last year I noted Cinnie despite eating the same amount daily is slowly losing weight, he sleeps far longer and deeper these days, I’ve had enough rabbits in my life to know what’s coming, and as much steel my nerve for his leaving my world, I hate the thought, I know I have Sage still but we are our own little unit, a strange made up one albeit, but a family non the less… I will make the most of our days ahead, Still pleading with him to be able to run a hand over his disgruntled little body, Getting grunted at For not placing his bedding just exactly so, Enjoying the sound of him flinging his ball about long into the night. His thumps suddenly when he thinks there’s imminent danger, only for it to be neighbours car door closing …I’m a firm believer people and in his case Creatures come into your life at times of greatest need…for that I will be ever thankful, have a good weekend folks and stay safe out there x 🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇❤

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