Tag: family

Dear Diary ….Rain sweet Rain.

After a very late dinner of left over Chilli, (delicious) I sat trying to work out, what my next painting/drawing would involve, exactly, if it’s a picture I’ve found that intrigues, I like to study it for a while, find the pitfalls so to speak, (my weaknesses), Everything is still so new in one way, yet again after eight months, it surely should be second nature right?, Not!!!, I have to nag myself constantly….do you want this or not Treez?, Answers invariably a resounding yes and with bells attached…I’ve hungered to be an artist for a lifetime, Since I sat in front of a tiny made up easel with my Dad Saturday afternoons, my five year old self scrawling out harsh pencil scribbles upon a scrap of paper, holding it up after in my dad’s face to inspect😁, he always encouraged. Whilst my father a competent painter, flowed blended oil paint across the canvas, ….I inherited much from my dear father, but his artistic bent, sadly avoiding me altogether, it’s only recently after starting out on my own journey, Ive learnt, it’s a sad fact that only 10% of artists are born, the rest of us have to earn it the hard way….with the care bear stare….😁😁😁, no not really 😁, with practice..practice practice practice…and after eight long months, one pallet of water colour paints, three sketch books, endless ripped out pages and much French!!!!!, Fluent now., I’m still only on the novice level, my endless patience, a thing of the past, thrown in the bin with my last piece of work.

But as usual I digress muchly, my mind tends to wander somewhat, quite nomad fashion, going walk about…But as I studied my latest victim..I mean picture, I kept hearing this low rumbling sound, now I know it wasn’t my stomach, although chilli can have that effect on the best of us😁,…No this sounded muted, or distant, .At first I took it as the Guy who lives above me(no not “the big man”😁),, but my neighbour moving stuff about his flat, so i gave it no more thought, that was until it became more persistent, …Curiosity finally out weighing my resolve to study,(as so much does😁, Reluctantly I got up and looked out of my living room window, ……Oh boy was I in for a surprise, the dams had finally broken….three months of drought, over in a quick flash, ok several flashes, spectacular big blue light up the sky type, much loud crashes, and enough water falling from the sky that I couldn’t see across the road, to top this off as I stood in my doorway trying to film the proceedings for Jesse, I had a free shower of my own thrown in, literally thrown in though😁, My tiny street now coming with its own fast flowing river, I’m not sure I remember that bit on the tenancy agreement, or come to think of it, the brand new water feature cascading down from a long ago broken guttering…My poor plants that had valiantly survived the long hot summer, now having to take their chances amid the driving rain… sighs

But despite everything you won’t hear me complaining, We need this rain so desperately, the grass here had long since been scorched, anything that had managed to hang on in there now crispy wisps of yellowing hay, . Trees were suffering dreadfully, it depressed me no end to watch their leaves curl up in on themselves,only to wither and drop onto the ground, born away by a sultry hot breezy days and relentless dry nights, eventually in some last ditch effort at survival, dropping their larger limbs in order for the main trunk to concentrate all its remaining resources on subsistence.

I felt the droughts lasting effect keenly on my own little border of wild meadow flowers,. I had been so proud of its lusty growth just a few weeks before, its now laying flat, brown, crisp and burnt, Red clover, yellow Trefoil, yellow Rattle, the usually hardy Blue chicory, Poppies, Scabious, foxglove, and many more, both leaves and flowers baked brown, brittle and dead, it’s been all I could do, to keep going the few pots of plants right outside the front of my flat, they had become more essential now than ever, especially for the visiting butterflies, bees, wasp and hoverflies, although i had watched those visits gradually dropping off over the last few weeks. Before my wee garden had been awash with the common Cabbage white, Common Blue, Brimstone, Tortoise shell, red Admiral, Peacock butterflies to name but a few,. The deep scarlet poppies which I admired so much, had until last week been covered in the bustling attentions of hover flies, now nothing, just silence.!!!!!!

When the weather did finally cool, I felt myself exhale, taking that long drawn out breath, I hadn’t even been aware until now of holding in even, it felt when the temperatures soared, we all paused come noon, no birds sang, no bees hummed, children and dogs fell earily silent, only the sound of the brave little grass hoppers song persisted in throughout the heat. Apart from watering the garden, taking care of the local birds I hid away from the glare, pulling my curtains after lunch, pretending to read a book, the heat finally making me give way to a restless sleep, this pattern pretty soon became my daily routine, up at 4am cold shower, anything that needed doing , done before the sun woke, afternoon siesta, it worked.😁

It took its toll on me most mentally, hiding away in the dark for hours at a time, not able to walk in the local fields, sent my depression spiralling, between this and the ever increasing fear that I had tried to bury deeply away of the painful lump in my breast, distracting myself with activities, now I had hours alone with just my thoughts, those bloody awful What ifs,, You cannot prepare yourself for the mental toll it takes, there is and was no escape..Facing up to this is harder when you spend hours in your own company, dominating last thing at night or in those very early mornings, didn’t help I was living partially in darkness during the day, I couldn’t work out, if it was the darkness of the rooms or the screaming blacks(depression) getting an ever increasing strangle hold over me,. Maybe both

What I did know was, what I had used, just weeks previous was now no longer working,(I broke it) I had art projects half finished, dark thoughts pushed in and eclipsed any and all creativity, asking invasive questions of me, Like what’s the point of this again?, Why are you trying to create pictures that you won’t get to enjoy?, It would be just your luck Treez that you would get to a stage with art you loved only to get yanked off this mortal coil, how rude!, this and nagging little demon thoughts invaded relentlessly, I could no longer out run it or hide …..goodness knows I tried, thinking up endless useless chores until either pain or exhaustion took over, even sleep bought little escape,….

Death itself holds no fear over my head, I’m not scared of you Mr Reaper, respect yes, fear never…but the thought of not seeing My children again, not seeing Jesse fills me with more pain the both EDS, Cancer or any of my illnesses combined, it wrecks my very soul, there were days I couldn’t breathe with the pain of it, I had to work to take that very next breathe, ….yes death would bring release from the endless physical pain I was born into, but nothing compares to the pain of missing those you love, or that walk amidst nature, sharing the earth with all I hold dear…this I don’t mind confessing scares the hell outta me…

It’s still ever present daily, tapping me on the shoulder with its arsenal of grief bullets, getting me out of no where like a demented sniper…if I ever manage to distract it, which for the most part, I can and do😁, it hits back harder, it’s a sodding dirty fighter…What about never holding Jess again then huh?, holding his hand, sharing those silly jokes, getting up in the middle of the night to drive for the hell of it…yup it knows how to hit back, then there’s never seeing my daughter again, jeez it’s a cruel tortuous wee beastie…

Without art though, Jess, my family, I know full well i would be sunk, they are my constancy, …One of the pictures Ive paint many times over is of a lighthouse, I wondered why in the beginning,because it was unconsciously done, now it makes perfect sense, My loved ones, nature is/are my guiding lights, when the world threatens to drown me, the darkness suffocate, there they are, beacons shining so brightly, no matter where my mind makes me wander, they bring me home again. The age old candle in the window Warmth in the chill.

Yesterday thanks muchly to the storms efforts, the air was cooler, clearer, and I infact took my first tentative steps outside in over a month, it felt so very good, yes I hurt physically, but it was so bloody worth it, I feel for those who do not share my love affair with all things outdoors, standing under trees even briefly, filled me with a sense of much needed peace, I cannot begin to explain this, won’t try, but it’s always been so, Since I escaped my mother’s clutches at the tender age of five years old and went feral for some hours, until now, today the intensity of the screaming blacks are down to the mewling greys, I’ve got this!,. In a while I hope to escape into another project, my mind hopefully focussing on creation, sat in front of an open window, light throwing pretty shadows across the page, getting by, minute after minute, hour after hour, until another day is won, and I leave lifes arena still battle scarred and bloodied, but alive none the less. The love from those I hold close my sword, if you made it thus far I thank you for your company, and as I bid you a fond farewell, wishes for a peaceful weekend, please look after you, take care folks x, 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💚💚💚💚💛💛💚💚💛💛💚💚💚

The empty nest…

It was back two weeks ago now whilst I was sat indulging two of my favourite pastimes,, reading and drinking coffee, that my leisure time was rudely interrupted, by this loud consistent tapping sound, I got up checked about the flat, searching high and low for unexploded bombs, dripping water, or death watch Beatles trying to slowly invade the walls😁, but thank goodness, i couldn’t find anything of the sort, So slightly perturbed still, I went back to reading about swash buckling men racing hell for leather across craggy Cornish cliff tops, upon fiery black steeds, waving about their pistols, daggers and sabres….in other words Poldark by Graham Winston, yeah I know doesn’t sound half as exciting does it lol?, But it was a good read…

Five minutes on, and the sound began once more, only this time louder, more insistent, I tried ignoring it, for all of about a milisecond, before I became far too intrigued, (ok nosy😊. Reluctantly leaving captain Poldark to his own devices upon my bed😮, I got up once more, only this time the sound was more intense…I followed it’s source, walking slowly, stealthily upon tiptoe, hoping to creep up on whatever was causing the commotion. As I walked toward the living room window, the sound grew louder, not only the tapping, flapping sounds now, but this time intermingled with a high pitch peeping., I opened the front door with all haste,😁 great flourish even, tahdahhhhh type you know!?, There to find Goria ….. And Gloria is one of my semi feral pigeons, I say Semi feral as Muggins here has been roped into feeding them up to and over four times daily, Yes I know Pigeons are not always popular, hated even. And I get that, but my little band have quite literally eaten their way into my heart…they are quick, clever and extremely loyal to their extended family units….I can most definitely recognise each individual bird, via a wing pattern colouring etc, some are more brazen with asking for food than others, each and every one gets its own name, Some will come when called, like Walter, Gloria, Red, Nigel, or Alice, others wait in the wings no pun intended🙄😃.

Gloria is one of my favourites, her and her mate Walter will quite often follow me around outside while I’m gardening, if they see me coming back from a walk they run towards me,,like winged puppies, it’s so bloody cute honestly😁….But I digress somewhat, Gloria was outside my door flapping wildly at a young juvenile male, Ive named Gilbert…I thought at first he had crossed the line, trying to get fresh, yeah it happens…(pigeons will mate for life if given the opportunity) and her and Walter were tightly bonded…but as I watched them, the peeping sound grew almost fever pitched. I looked around me, there to my left, hidden behind a row of my plant containers, sat huddled, was a squab (baby pigeon), hunched against the cold, Gloria fending off all comers and very distressed….

it all too soon became obvious that although the little one was fully feathered, he was also still sporting a downy yellow ring of baby feathering about his neck, like a soft boa😊, what was not so good, for although he flapped, he couldn’t work up the momentum enough to take off, his little wings were not developed enough to support him….in all other ways he looked perfect, no injuries I could see. I left Gloria to it, hoping with all my heart he would take off with his parents, go back to their warm nest up in the eaves to be with his siblings….all that day I watched nervously over the little one, still hanging on for a minor/major miracle, I could just not abide the very idea of him getting attacked by Mincemeat aka cooking fat, (local feral cat who killed off many local birds). I was beset by many scenarios playing in my head, like a paranoid parent I hovered by the window pacing back and forth.

By 3:30 it had become all to clear,, To my distress he was still there hiding, dusk was falling, the evening chill beginning in earnest…now I had two choices neither ideal..Either I could leave well alone, and let him take his chances or bring him indoors, I left it as late as I possibly dared before finally going out into my shed and retrieving a small birds cage, it’s all I had to bed him down in…it took all of two minutes to scoop up the by now very cold baby bird, he was fast becoming depleted, eyes half closed, no fighting against me, my choice was the right one, Beaky😁, needed help, I suppose I was the unconvinced volunteer…at least inside he could get warm, I left on the heater, turned off all the lights and left him with food and water, now it was in the lap of the gods, I checked on my guest throughout that night,. That next morning Beaky was still with us…his beady black eyes wide open and shiny, restless now he moved around freely….now what?????

I went out and fed the pigeons their first breakfast of the day, yeah the have 3 normally 😁, two lunches, then supper before dusk 😁. . Normally once fed, the fly off until their next feed…but I noted that day Gloria and Walter stayed put,walking up and down right up by my door…..Beaky as if sensing their presence began peeping loudly, I took him out opened the cage door and watched uneasily as he was reunited with his parents, they circled about each other, until finally they fed the hungry youngster…not only did Gloria feed him, his father, older siblings also took a turns, pigeons really are a United family….

Once fed though, Beaky took refuge behind the flower pots once more, not ideal but better than nothing, he sat there in total silence instinct showing him not to give away his secret location, I left him there until nearly dark, before bringing back in my charge, where once more he slept in his cage, the following day his parents appeared again, It seemed we had unknowingly established our very own little routine between us….they knew where he was, he was safe thats the main thing…I estimated my intervention would last roughly around another week….And it Did…..

Over the next week later Beaky attempts take off….

Several times Beaky quite ungainly at first, took to the air, only to land with a spectacular splat in my neighbours shrubbery,😊 over a garden wall, into a fence, it lead to some very odd looks when I had to knock on a bewildered neighbours, asking could I possibly have my pigeon back please?😁, After a few disastrous starts, one week and two days later, he finally took to the skies, no looking back, just off into the wild blue yonder…my days as a co parent were at an end, finished as swiftly as they started, I stood looking up into the sky, watching him disappear, just praying he would be ok, it was very like taking my children to school that first day…lump in throat I walk away, it’s the perfect outcome, as it should be, my baby had flown the nest…although Beaky was in fact on the most part silent, walking back into the flat felt alien, unnatural, ….One week on I’m still missing my wee lodger, I don’t miss his mess mind😁, but I confess I had got used to having him about….I still chuckle to myself, thinking back to when I heard a noise at my door, on opening it, there stood Beaky,…. He just waddled inside like it was the most natural thing in the world, and to us, at that time i guess it was 😁😁😁😁😁..I’ve seen him with his parents upon the roof so I know his fine, happy landings Beaky…😁😁😁💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦

Alluring Luna

Monday

Something awoke me up early, I’m not sure what, but then I seldom am😊, i waited some time for full cooperation, betwixt my eyes opening and the switching over from sleep mode of mind,..some may say this is a rare and momentous occasion, (these days im more inclined to agree..After laying for a while trying to comprehend the meaning of a particularly weird dream, I gave up, answering to that undeniable, call of the kettle, (it’s a bewitching little minx), As I poked my right foot out from under its cosy warm nest of mixed fleeces, regret set in immediately….Folks it was fffff flipping cold, I wanted for all the world to turn over and Deny the harsh mornings existence, But morning like my need for a caffeine hit takes no prisoners. I shove both legs out quickly before I can think better of it….my body quakes with the chill that circulates the air over night, as im passing i flick down the switch of the small oil filled radiator, grateful to hear it’s gurgles and clicks, just the tiny orange light alone and I begin fooling myself I feel warmer….

After I fill the kettle, click that on, I go about my usual hurried routine, empty the dehumidifier, turn that on, Normally swiftly followed by a speedy Gonzalez type shower thing, (no one, and I mean no one with half a brain cell, wants to stand, buck naked in a freezing room, without luxury of proper glazing and or heating , it’s the Baltic in there, I keep expecting the odd polar expedition team to wave as I’m stood there in my glory, Huskies an all….For some reason though before that icy shower delight, I was drawn over to the curtains to look outside, maybe just a delay tactic who knew, but wrong move Treez….😁.

First thing I note is the odd blue tinged light, it’s not even 5am yet, why is it so light?, …I look up into a still dense black velvet Sky, there still on high, hangs the most spectacular full moon, it’s brilliancy glowing, shrouding everywhere with its cool icy light, even as cold as I feel I’m drawn with its ancient magnetic pull, it silently calls “come outside, admire my beauty”, I’m lost to it’s allure immediately, there’s no time for a jacket, jumper or anything remotely sensible…slipping my chilled feet into my best fake Fur lined clogs, 😁i find the keys, open the door and go outside, the effect is instant, I’m stood outside minus 3, in just a baggy t shirt nightdress and clogs…

Freezing icy cruel chilled fingers pulled at my skant covering, the palpable air hurting my chest…threatening to turn each breathe into Crystals before I can exhale….So intoxicated was i by the moon’s pull, up until this moment I time, I had failed to notice the deep covering of overnight snow, …But now that I had, it was difficult to comprehend where to look first, The snow glittered and danced with a thousand tiny blue glassy sapphires, the moon’s light reflecting across its untouched surface, high on beauty, I barely noted the fact my body trembled, whether from fast developing hypothermia or just overwhelmed by the sights and senses before me, A more sensible person would have by now rush in and to get dressed….Me, I had become way too involved, enveloped in nature’s bounty, too enraptured to move, let alone breathe, I stared up into the moon’s gaze, by her side like a faithful lover of old, twinkling and none the less outstanding was the North star….I’m not sure how long I stood there, for I no longer felt the cold, but I must have moved at some point because I looked down to see my footprints leaving deep impressions in the once virgin snow…the kettle long forgotten, the warmth of my bed along with it, it was only the distant thrum of a ticking over car engine that eventually broke the spell, bringing me speedily back to humanity.

Once inside my body began shaking uncontrollably, I wrapped a fluffy jacket about me tightly, eventually getting the quaking to a level where I could safely handle the freshly reboiled kettle,. After two scalding hot coffees, one straight after the other, I showered, got dressed, all the while still very much under the influence of the cool wintry blue wolf moon, …Later that very same day, I swear I wasn’t to be alone in my Luna lunacy, for at daybreak ,while taking out rubbish from my bins, ( by now fully clothed you,ll be somewhat relieved to hear), Less than a foot away, at my feet stood a juvenile male Blackbird,, he’s bead like dark eyes watching my every move, he didn’t attempt to fly away, or even walk away, just an odd twitch of his wings, and a click under his breath, …We remained there motionless, sizing each other up, I’m not sure for how long the moment lasted, before eventually I snapped out of it and felt somehow the instinct to grab a bag of mealworms, I keep for the wild birds, scattering a generous handful upon the solid frozen ground for him, ..He snatched up not just one, but roughly around at least ten, I gave up counting after that…seemed rude somehow to check up on my impromptu little guest 😁, he was soon joined by Robin, my usual avian buddy, followed quickly by a large rambunctious flock of greedy Starlings, none seemed to mind my presence, even as I moved to get them more food supplies….whether just driven by hunger or the strangest of days, I’ve still no idea, but my company of the morning hung about for some time, I like to think it was something quite special, magical even…Jesse will often be heard to say I’ve got a calm way about birds that draws them to me….unsure which is true, but the secret of magical things is to not look into it too deeply or ruin the spell…😁, …Anyway enough of me for now, it’s still really icy out there folks, if you get a chance think of the creatures, give mother nature a wee helping hand…but most of all stay wrapped up warm….and be careful out there, it’s slipperyer than a politician at press conference…. Until next time💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Merry Christmas, Dear Diary…..

I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something out there coming between me and that first beloved molten hot coffee of the morning…. I’ve only been trying since 8:30 this morning, it’s now 11:47…ugh…First attempt, I crept on tiptoe(not easy these days) silently oh so blooming silently out of the bedroom as both Sage( my budgie) and Jesse were still fast asleep…thoughts I will get ahead of the day before they wake…huh like hell, I had just got out of the bedroom door, when Sage starts he’s alarm chirping…. It’s hard to explain unless your familiar with bird sounds, I speak Birdesse yah know!😊…Anyway it’s a higher pitched and insistent call for the uninitiated among us…Much like a toddler losing sight of their parent around the supermarket, just with less tears and Snot😁, …So somewhat desperately in need of the little girls room by now, I have to backtrack grab he’s cage and bring him into the living room, before I can even flick the kettle switch down😊, just not right!!! ….

After pulling back the curtains so Sage can watch the local community pigeon populace…the equivalent of sitting your child in front of the tv for five minutes peace, I can finally go about my morning routine…while the kettles bubbling away, my cup filled with instant ready and waiting, I set about washing and changing from my oversized t shirt while I wait, (which on hindsight was indeed a blessing….I had thought of at first, at least an hour for laying about in deep procrastination) don’t you just love a good procrastinate first thing!!!, I know I do……Plus no one comes Christmas Eve right?!!!!!, I make my coffee, clean up the kitchen, just sit down to enjoy my long anticipated hot caffeine fix!!!, The door bell shrills out……Sage goes into vicious rabid guard budgie mode…(shouting at full pitch) So I can’t even duck behind the sofa now, even if I could duck!!!!!, I cant (It’s at this point i am so glad I’ve gone to the trouble of putting on real clothes …because stood at the door is my lovely neighbour, (her and her wonderful hubby cut my Grass weekly for me during the summer months ….She has her wee chestnut Dachshund Freddie with her, whose somewhat impatient to be going on his morning constitutional …dancing at the end of he’s leash legs crossing faster than Michael Flatly on speed, never mind children its before you were born😊… He’s inquisitive little nose in the air sniffing out good scents…(doggie Facebook) …I’m always genuinely pleased to see my neighbour Katherine(why oh why do I always think she’s called Lorraine though? 😊) . Anyway Lorraine, I mean Katherine is stood looking immaculate at my door, in her other hand a pretty little red gift bag,..it’s around this time I’m so glad I’m not stood in my old baggy t shirt that’s covered in various copper tones from previous hair colouring attempts….I keep it on there as a constant reminder of my favourite shades….which is up somewhere by my left armpit, called Amber blonde…why does that sound like an exotic dancer or worse….Anyhow due to foresight or whatever, im not infact stood in front of my well turned out neighbour in my ancient red Christmas pants😊 and t shirt….

We exchanged gifts, for I too had momentarily morphed into Santa’s little helper….although mine wasn’t quite so fancied up…not sure a plastic Asda shopping bag is quite the same😁, but I chose it’s contents with care, working of the opinion I would far rather spend more on the gifts than wrapping….Plus plus in my defence the bag did have a Christmas scene upon it😊……as we chatted I’m only to aware of the sad fact my coffee is fast reaching the point of no return….anything other the burn your tonsils to bits hot, is inexcusable and cold….uh uh…can’t have it….as Lorraine walked away…..Katherine, I mean Katherine🙄, was hauled down the path by a now desperate doggo, on closing the door i already knew this is the way my morning is shaping up…. All cold coffee and to good intentions😊 three cold coffees later I give up.

This week has been somewhat slow on beany hat making…normally by about now I would have had at least ten made and finished off, but alas like my coffee partaking, I’ve been easily distracted from the task, six complete another four then I’ve finally reached that 40 hats on heads I wanted and will be pleased with…battling tangled yarns, Christmas preparations, present wrapping, visitors, I guess I’ve not done too badly..though In truth i am a little disappointed it wasn’t more, hopefully once Christmas is over and I’ve restocked my fast depleted stock of yarn I can get stuck in again.

Well it’s Christmas eve folks and I hope your all set up, presents wrapped and under the tree awaiting their excited giftees , Turkey prepped, the green methane makers peeled and washed, carrots and cookies out for santa…large Gin for mothers frazzled nerves😊, whatever your doing, your plans ect, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas…those of us alone again..look at it this way, you get to eat when and what you like, fall asleep on the sofa and leave the washing up to its own devices😊, seriously though stay safe, warm and well, take care of yourselves and i,’ll see you the other side of the year….🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤💚💚💚💚💚💚

 Dear Diary, carry on Hooking!!!!

Friday

Get thee to the post office woman…

Originally I had myself set yet another deadline(groan)…  And that Monday morning was that very one.., only for Monday morning to come and go in a hazy blur, without me even stepping foot outside the door😁,In fairness to myself though, My back was being evil and felt ready to break in two or shatter at any given moment, dramatic but that’s the feeling… And this in retrospect was in itself somewhat fortunate as I had forgotten all about putting in a shopping order for delivery, how does one even do that?, well like only I can it’s a real talent I possess 😁 ,. In the end it arrived over an hour earlier than arranged for originally, (providence or what!!!,) it also meant, there’s was no way I would have made it to the post office and back by 10:30am… From this point onwards I was allowing for the week to play out in a kind of slow motion, without realisation I was in energy conservation mode if you will, Preparing myself to dig out the Christmas tree from its hiding place, In either the tiny bedroom cupboard or Garden shed,… meanwhile between creating more beanie hats, i shunted things about and hoovered everything in within sight…..some not…under the bed

Saturday….

That Saturday morning dawned dull, just as overcast, if not far more oppressive than in the week , A thick heavy grey blanket of cloud covering the sky without a break., This rarely if ever effects my mood, but today I felt the sudden inclination, No more like need actually to deck the tree with sparkly bright things, spend an hour cursing like a road mender unravelling copper wired of fairy lights, De tangling my balls 😲, attaching plastic springy elastic thread stuff to Crystal tree ornaments, only it was so blooming springy and contrary it kept unknotting!, …ugh!!!! Some hours later I had lost my Fairy glitter tree decorating wand and wings,. My back throbbing, head not only conspiring with it but joining in, it was at this point I not so wisely on forethought i decided to go in search of that elusive tree…..someone stop me at this point pleaseeee!!!!! when I do things like this!!!!, Slap me about the head with a mouldy Herring

The cupboard in my bedroom, could never be described as spacious or conveniently placed.. Unlike stated on the estate agents original write up.. It was also laughingly called “a walk in cupboard” , I liken it rather to the stoop in, dark hole…, crunching up your spine never for you never to walk straight again is a must😊, Plus be prepared to see stars… not in any wondrous poetic fashion understand….No this is in a smash your head continually every time you move in any direction kind of way,(and yes when you smack your brain casing hard enough you do see stars, I saw a falling one, bit of a worry😊☺,  I am all of a towering 5″ 2 and even I cannot stand upright, … this is not all it boasts though , I swear it has its very own weather system in there, always somewhere around the nice freezing mark even in the height of summer, my poor little room thermometer shudders at the mere thought… Its comparable to walking into the winter wonderland scene from Narnia, only without the lamp post at least giving off some light or that cute fawn Mr Tumnus, believe me I’ve searched long enough😊, ….after several attempts at giving myself mild concussion, swooning upon the floor in some mild hope my love will swoop down from he’s fiery white charger to give aid via endless mouth to mouth resuss, (well a girl can dream), I decide maybe hypothermia isn’t going to look quite so Glamourous, nor the silvery silken web strands hanging from my hair, complete with Christmas spider!….I was meant to be decorating a blooming tree …not myself….as I back out somewhat gingerly the back of my skull meeting the timber door frame just for good measure,  a colourful string of Essex princess curse words leave my lips before I can reign them in sufficiently….it wasn’t pretty…. Coming eye to eye with a large dangling bungying spider didn’t improve matters much, he did look amused either 😠……still no tree there then….oh well time to brave the endless downpour outside, while i search the shed…. Spider at this point abandons ship….Coward!!!!!😊….

After standing out in the rain, pulling everything from the 3ft by 4ft shed, I had this faint kernel of a  remembrance thread drift fleetingly into my still aching head, I think I recycled it…..in fact I now remembered cramming the reluctant tree, box and all into the bin after a fit of pique while dismantling it, stuff from the shed still dotted about me getting rained upon, webs still floating about my hair blowing in the breeze,(looking all the world like Miss Havershom) I’m muttering away to myself…When somewhere behind me the voice of my neighbour says “good afternoon”!!!!, I could hear that grin, (you know when without looking you know full well their silently falling about themselves, while trying to keep a straight face….I reply without turning round, I had done my bit for comedy purposes that day thank you… , stuffing things back in the shed in the most precarious manner, just to get out the fast darkening dank afternoon…knowing all the time the next time I open that shed door, it’s all going to tumble out and bury me alive ….I just know it!!, slamming the shed door I hear a small quake within….holy crap!!!!!!.

Christmas is blooming cancelled….

But I already know as I stuff the tree decs away in bags out of temper, tangling the lights once more, I had wasted an hour earlier straightening…, Shattering glass balls😲, crushing icicles, that later that same night I will be trawling “The Zon”(Amazon for yet another tree…And within half an hour I had found the perfect one… costing only £14 had nothing to do with it,,, honest😁,(Scrooge would be proud😊, but it was 4ft and not to big for the flat….what am I saying a twig is to big for this flat….oh well, I hit the flashing buy it now button quickly before I can change my mind….

  • This week I’m on the last of the hats ready to send out, that will make thirty as of yet..I’ve plans to keep going, enjoying feeling useful , productive…I may have wool worms, (straggling offcuts of colourful yarn making their way across my carpet, balls of wool ready for the next project climbing one wall, but Im past caring quite frankly at this point…it’s not as if I get crowds of visitors lining up outside for the odd coffee morning, or royalty popping in for afternoon tea, not that id mind as long as they bought cake!..that overwhelming need for a spotless apartment, replaced by the need to help out where I can…the damp chill outside spurring me on long into the evenings, going from a tree decorating Fairy to bleary eyed happy hooker….of the crocheting variety only folks…..whatever your up to stay warm and safe, take care of you….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛 

 

Diary of a Happy Hooker😁

Just about three weeks ago now, while I was sat indulging in my third Breakfast wine of that morning (Coffee to the uninitiated of us) .. Expending time like it’s limitless or something😊, watching a miniscule patch of cobalt blue sky getting slowly enveloped by the ever thickening dark blanket of charcoal grey cloud, the contrasting colours of rich warm autumn leaves swayed upon the breeze, capturing my attention fully, I know to make the most of mother natures bounty while I can, Because up until now we had been lucky, temperatures holding fast, well into double figures, even night frosts hadn’t quite found us yet, the red Geraniums I planted in the summer months, sheltering from the worst of the wind up against the flat wall, still infact covered in an abundance of scarlet flowers and we were in November, I often take a few moments in my day, for some quiet reflection, staring out the livingroom window, upon a world, i am increasingly retreating from, not consciously you understand, but it’s happening all the same..I lift the comforting warm brew to my lips once more, while at the same time being bought sharply back to the present by the ping, A text on my phone!….it’s a rare sound these days, so requiring some immediate attention😊.

Who or what had fetched me from such deep revelry?, you may thinking, well it was none other than a friend of some longstanding, with a rather different proposition to put before me😊….She needed someone with experience, I am I suppose somewhat experienced in this line, despite coming into the game much later than most of my contemporaries,..it would require me coming out of retirement of course, dusting off those long ago tools of the trade, that’s if I can even locate em in the first place,, having given up just the year previous…But maybe joining forces with this friend and her sister Andrea could in fact just be the answer to my prayers…Winter months here can be very long and drawn out affairs, not to mention tedious, especially when your practically housebound, this little venture could occupy my waking hours, making a real difference between slowly unravelling alone and sanity,(some would say it’s too late for that😊) We all know those early dark winter nights can be somewhat a chore without any viable occupation, much needed enrichment..I made another coffee!, for this would indeed require some amount of forethought….much much coffee! , I needed that buzz of caffeine, a hit around my extremely rapid hibernating brain…I text back at once “can you give me five minutes”..but inside, I already knew deep down my decision….I was In!, While the kettle boiled, I had a good rummage around in my drawers, knocking off the accumulation of dust and cobwebs, but at least now I had found the beginnings of what I needed…..😊

It didn’t take long for my mind to become filled with possibilities, I felt a renewed interest in general, filling that huge void I had not until this point known existed, I was suddenly a buzz with purpose, not only could I be useful once more, but it may well bring about something good…, I could join others to make a difference…Later that same morning I scoured “The Zon” (Amazon) for what!!!!!!? ahhhhh a secret!!!,(For now anyhow). I really don’t need much of an excuse to scroll the endless pages of glittering shiny wonderful products, but if I did, I had found it…clicking copious amounts of items with glee, remorselessly adding them to that imaginary Basket….this was fun!….I couldn’t wait to get started now….inside my stomach a fluttery feeling swirled, no my loves it wasn’t wind😊, it was that long forgotten feeling,, one of excitement!…

Soon as things began arriving I commenced, but first things first, I would need a refresher course, so YouTube it is then!, You can find out how to do just about anything there….and it wasn’t long before it all began to come back to me with a flourish, We all like a good refresher course though don’t we…….it’s like riding that blooming bike everyone’s on about😊….although I was late learning to do this too… As the leaves began to drop from the trees, the first cold weather finally took hold, I threw myself into my project with some abandonment….it wasn’t long before I had involved my daughter in with my exploits, not only her, But Debbie my dear friend, we have become quite a team, our merry band working towards a common purpose….

Since that very first Saturday, I’ve only really taken off one day, and that was to have a blood test, something I must confess I was not in fact looking forward to., Finding veins since chemo some twenty odd years on, has been like mining for silver in a tin mine … It almost always involves Some poor frustrated nurse digging around in my right arm, (this being the only arm available to them, my left arm strickly off limits due to losing lymph nodes from under my arm during a Breast cancer surgery… But alas, unless I booked myself in for my annual six monthly blood letting….(blood test), my meds wouldn’t be issued, which would be fine by me, I hate taking tablets, but for some reason I’m quite fond of living😁, you can see my dilemma here😊, So Debbie my accomplice, (friend) and myself, booked a date to meet up for coffee,(for I take some bribery in these matters, …I can be lured scarily easy just mention of a coffee, ask Jesse he used this method often😊😊😊😊😊, if that doesn’t work rattle a cake wrapper.. Fortified with caffeine once more from our favourite hide away farm cafe, we set out like intrepid explorers😊, turning up our collars against a chilling northern wind, which saw temps now dip well below freezing each night, Patches of snow lay about fields and any low lying ground…the pavements now covered in a glittering dusting of white hoar frost…looks beautiful, but staying upright for me is optimal…just my preference really.,, Debbie not quite trusting me to go into the doctors surgery alone for some reason, followed me in….she knows me oh so well😊, …..We stood in front of the glass encased cubicle waiting to be noticed, I said about dancing, but Deb wasn’t for this 😁,This is where they hold local receptionist,s captive… There they remain, normally in small packs..the wild receptionist being hugely territorial of its habitat….it’s for our protection really im convinced…

After loitering around outside the closed glass window for some time, pretending to be interested in the numerous posters for various ailments, the glass was shoved back with some force….Yes!!!!!! Came the disembodied voice….being already on the back foot, I stammer out in a high pitched squeaky voice my name…all the while looking into those glazed eyes glowering into mine….Debbie by now is stood right behind me in case I Bolt…, I’m already watching the doors, I turn and look pleadingly at her….but there’s to be no escape this time, so finding my voice once more from, it’s hiding place deep in my left sock, whence it’s sunk, I explain why I’m stood quaking there…..I just want to book a blood test honest!!!, Well I don’t want too, but you know how it is…The phone rings , phew saved by the bell….Well!!!!!!! Screams the red receptionist, I swear one word from her and I would never dare be ill again, ….after the whole waiting room and I swear most of the county learns about Mables swollen rumatic knee, the phone is slammed into next July, the beady glittery eyes return to myself…I quake, Debbie shoves a steadying hand upon my back …..Eventually between us a date is arranged for my impending doom, I mean blood test, yes blood test oh my!!!…as I turn slightly away from those wild eyes, like some poor rabbit caught in the headlights im frozen….the glass panel slams shut…narrowly missing my fingers….I run for the door quicker than a grey hound leaving the vets, as I turn to look back for Debbie, I imagine a puff of smoke curling up into the air escaping from between the glass….The receptionist I have since christened Helga, her large red eyes boring deep into my skull as I left, trembling I half joke with Debbie “Please God don’t let her do my bloods next week” well I think I was joking….

There was very little sleep to be had between then and that following Friday, thank goodness for my new project…I worked late into each night, burning the hours….the more my over stimulated mind was kept busy the better for all….trouble being with this is, it seems to make the time speed by….and it did…time to face Helga and her pack once more….I could see the gleaming blood dripping fangs ginning, a spiral of smoke emitting from each nostril….saints preserve me, ………..In preparation I had gulped my way through three coffees, and four 500ml bottles of water..supposed to inflate the veins. mmmmhmmm…. it did however do wonders for my bladder😊, to that end at least distracting me….. Gulping all the same as I faced those glass shutters once more…..facing that smile, the forced grin, showing off all those perfect teeth…pointy pointy teeth, Helgas tongue slowly moved over them, Was it actually forked? or a product of my fevered imagination… and this time I was completely alone…Debbie opting to sit in her warm safe car…I don’t blame her in the slightest… still I can’t help but feel like a fattened lamb fed to the slaughter…..booking in, I sit looking about myself and at the fellow victims…Patients…😊, I chat nervously at anyone who will listen…they smile, heads nodding…knowingly ….all to soon I hear someone call my name in the distance…ugh…I look about me…as though expecting someone to stand up and take my place…they dont, they wont…I stand, head down, eyes looking at my feet….don’t look em in the eyes, folks, never meet the eyes, it’s like your challenging them…I walk in that tiny room almost like Im about to face a firing squad, not just have a blood test…I follow her slowly, feet shuffling…..she tells me to take a seat, asks my name and date of birth….why oh why did she ask that?, For right then and there, I no longer know which day it is let alone when and if I was born…oh hell.!!!!!!…But in a calm soothing voice she chats to me, trying to put me at my ease….that’s never gonna happen, but I appreciate her efforts….she’s by now slowing turning my right arm, searching for the ever illusive veins….knowing where we are, those beggars have long since deserted me….your on your own mate!!!!! Oh and how I was….

Four attempts, numerous lumps of tape, and the words “sharp prick” later….I thought at first she was asking about of my Ex’s , I nervously joke, “they were not all that bad really”,. the nurse needle poised pointing down over the next spot asks what I had just said?, Oh nothing important honestly, the moment for jokes passing rapidly….eventually I hear jackpot!!!!, I dare not look, in case by doing that mere act it, will encourage the one brave vein to dry up, it had after all taking one for the team….soon as I’m taped I make good my escape, not looking back even for a moment, as I race for the door and my freedom….byeeeeeeee…..

Debbie was nowhere to be seen at this point in time, taking to hiding her tiny car behind a massive 4×4, just in case Helga came from behind the cage to get her to hold me down for the nurse 😁, having located her, we shot off as fast as her wee Nissan could take us, both of us too scared to mention the horrors from within…we still havnt….so now would you like to hear about our wee venture, my returning to being a hooker….think most of you have already guessed though….but in case you were worried about my welfare, I’m not standing on some darkened street corner touting my trade 😁😁😁😁, 1: with these legs I don’t look good in skirts, plus I can’t abide em, 2: it’s too damn cold out there….No what I’m actually doing is Far less exciting….I’m crocheting Beany hats for charity…I’ve since learnt new patterns, enjoying being productive and of use once more, I wake each morning, Procrastination chased away with coffee and speeding off my hook,yet another hat to keep another head warm, which in turn leaves me feeling fuzzy and warm inside …..until later folks, keep warm, keep safe and take care of yourself out there…..💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹🌻🌻🌹.