Tag: faith

Ever have one of those days folks, ever have one of those days?…or weeks, months

So it’s come to this….

Its that time of year again, no not that one, the other one😁….I was thinking more along the lines when I have to renew my rental contract with my landlord, it’s not normally that much of an issue, (Note “the normally”), .Numerous Emails are involved, they cross back and forth between myself and the agent, There im asked complicated questions like, are you wishing to stay in situ?, Or Everything ok?,. Ok yes….. then sign here and don’t darken our doorstep ever again, I certainly wont, dont. Because We have this brilliant understanding between us, going way back,,, they don’t bother me and I’m certainly not going anywhere near them unless something demands it…, ugh it involves far too much peopling….

Changes that stay the same….

Anyhow that is the usual Modus operandi….But now because of these wondrous Brand new shiny renters rights acts, with its fabulous list of rules and regulations, things have infact altered, What’s worse is its to the detriment of tenants, (that will be me then), the very same people it was supposed to be protecting…(Oh Why do they insist on messing about with a working system?). So originally I would hop and skip along to sign a piece of paper along the dotted line, With it’s overload of small print , blurry words this is called a yearly contract, normally a long term contract.. I add my squiggle signature or cross whichever!… But not now folks…oh no.. Now apparently, I have all these fancy new things, called tenants rights sighs,…But this is the odd part…from now on in instead of yearly renting, we are doing monthly….Soooo you ask?, Well think on this for a mminute or three, at any point, any moment in time, I can become in effect homeless, there’s no longer any security…. Anddddd added joy of joys, on top of this, my Rent has gone up for the privilege, …lovely!!!!!!!, if you ask me this puts all the rights firmly into the owners corner🤔.

So Ive decided just in case, I’m going to be all pro wotsit, I’m going to do a preliminary investigation…. investigational hat on firmly on head…..I’m searching the intertubes daily for other rental properties, Ones that may still do long term letting, And to my surprise, ney delight!, yes there are some out there still available, not only this, some even offer more bang for my buck, or is that more buck for a bang….ewwww errr Mrs…😁….What does that all actually mean I wonder?, I dunno😁, …but.in my case it’s very simple, another bedroom😮😊, Yes instead of a less than a 40 square foot box, with one lilliputian sized bedroom with ensuite cave spider cupboard.. .., There’s these things called real sized homes out there😮, With kitchens and bathrooms inclusiveoh my who knew!?, . Not letting anything hold me back, I set about sending out emails, …Last Friday I viewed the first.

Friday………the 13th😮😱

Over the years I like to think, I have left this superstition quite firmly in the junk drawer, amid the myriad of phone cords, insulation tape, screws and other things that you think will come in handy at some point in your lifetime, but never actually use again…ever!…Viewing Friday the 13th, quite like walking under a ladder, a black cat crossing my path, saying good morning Mr magpie….oh hang on I still do that one….ok, well what can I say,, I like Magpies😁. Anyhow after an extremely short phone call, I find myself invited along to view a very pretty little cottage, that Friday coming,…I’m so thrilled, I didn’t note the actual date,… that came later, much later, it wasn’t in fact until I wrote the date upon my calendar, the day screamed at me in big bold capital shouty letters, this should have been a warning for what was to come..😁,. But I had so loved all the pictures upon the estate agents website, it looked bloody near perfect,,,, for me anyhow, …..For the next three days, I studied, drooled, revisited each and every last picture numerous times daily, imaging my furniture, curtains and rugs dotted about the place…rightly or wrongly in my head I had in effect moved in….yeah I know I was just asking for trouble. .

The big day arrives….

I hardly slept Thursday night, beset by a culmination of emotions, mainly excitement and nerves,…at precisely 5am I could take no more, by 6am I had already necked three large strong coffees, my nerves well and truly stoked, left eye twitching wildly, lets not mention the countless trips to the bathroom….plus there was actually still 7 hours to go before I had to leave….😁😁😁😁😁. I showered, sprayed, primped, until both myself and the tiny apartment had this shimmering toxic haze of Sandalwood body mist, deodorant and mint shower Gel..I was determined to knock them off their feet, create a lasting impression, that or Gas them out….I was hoping more for the first naturally,….I tried on numerous combinations of clothes, opting in the end for warmth and comfort….

My Ride there pulled up outside promptly at 1pm, (the appointment being 2:30pm, it left us with plenty of time for the journey over….or so we originally thought🙃🙄, ….while out we decided to stop off at boots to pick up my prescription, big bloody mistake, massive!, ….it all looked so positive in the planning. Huh😃😃😃😃.!, That’s what you know Treez, Firstly I had to wait in line at the chemist for over 15 years….ok slight exaggeration for effect there folks, but in fairness it was 15 minutes in the end.., just felt far longer….I get to the front finally, give my date of birth, address, colour of my underwear😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, The chemist walks off to check that it’s waiting for me…..comes back with the smallest box known to man, whether it was the stress, just miscalculation, I won’t ever know, (probably over indulgence of caffeine)..but I proceeded to walk away, leaving the premises….I’m about to walk over to the waiting car when it finally dawns on me, I really should check the meds are correct before leaving…. Which I did, wishing I hadn’t, but did…..don’t ask….sighs, by now it’s getting late, I need to keep this 2:30 appointment or die trying…..could very well go either way at this point…

I rush back to my patiently waiting driver, who is still sat in his vehicle, he has by now aged nearly 15 years, grown a fabulous ZZ top beard and is filling out forms for his state pension,😁.,…As we finally get the journey underway, every variety of vehicle throughout the decades, seems to want to appear upon the road at that precise moment…Every red light seem stuck on well screaming red!!!!, Sure it wasn’t but it seemed that way…queues form at every single set of traffic lights, we were going to be cutting it so so fine… Dark steel grey heavy clouds finally erupt with slanting rain, Tractors , lorries go a speedy ten mile an hour, pull out at every turning…I’m convinced ar one point, an old dear with her walker shoots passed us, leaving us sitting in her dust waving her oversized handbag…I feared we were not going to make our deadline., Or any other again!

Trust the process …..who said this clearly didnt….

The sarcastic voice on the Sat nav, who has also had enough by now, sneers as she informs us we might well want to turn left at the next turning, I swear I waited for an insult at the end there….😁, to top things off there’s absolutely no where to park outside the house, just a minute square of muddy quagmire….As I jump out to let them know we have finally arrived, I promptly land in the deepest mud puddle, coating My freshly cleaned boots…oh well!!!😁 .My poor driver by now is understandably in pieces, but goes off valiantly to try and find parking within a five miles radius…good luck!…..

The house….

The house in itself was to prove a delight, infact everything I could of and would have wished for in a prospective new home, Ok far smaller than the photos so cleverly depict…but I really did love it, … I could have easily moved in then and there….even though it was quirky as hell, The tiny back garden was actually at the front, so that left what I took to be front garden, being at the back, or was that the front…oh I don’t know anything anymore🙃…..Even the diminutive lass showing us around, looked equally as confused, I stayed until a now red faced and exhausted driver caught up with us…finally finding a corner to park in… the whole thing taking less than ten minutes in total….we left it to be decided ….thank goodness as it happens…

Pass the tin hats….

The car was neatly tucked away around the corner, so we didn’t have far to go to get out of the pouring rain, …As we approach, a rather large irate man walks toward us, he does not look happy, not at all…. and we don’t even get to the car before he makes his feelings well and truly known….more F bombs going off, than when I stub my toe, which I do frequently by the way🙄…His finger stabbing the air violently, pointing at a set of gates,… I look over at them, ” don’t think I help by saying ” oh yes dear their very nice I say, “, hoping to deflect.his masculiness…he then screams are you bloody blind?… , Im so so tempted to say yes actually😁, then ask my driver to aid me to the driving side….it was all I could do not too….the guy by now was a fetching shade of deep purple, Veruca Salt had nothing on him….I kept expecting band of tiny oopmah lompahs to appear at any moment, carting him off….but we were not to be that fortunate, he waved his arms around enough for me to almost break into a Venga boys song…,thought we had accidentally hit a rave… spitting out more fire and brimstone than the local vicar on a Sunday service, we waited patiently for a final break in the tempest….I apologised profusely, trying to explain the situation, but nothing could placate our own Mr angry…he steadily worked himself up to a full frenzy, spouting did we know how many times people had parked outside those gates, I wonder could we call a friend for the answer., He then rants on about how he needed to be somewhere and was now late…..I know it well I mumble unhelpful…, I wouldn’t mind but his car is parked in front of ours…nothing stopping him pulling away, .. If he would just shut up and get in his car we could all get to where we were going…….and out of this rain☔….

We do finally manage to escape though, leaving behind the man still waving his arms windmill fashion, I’m wondering just how much electricity he could generate with those flaying biceps of his?….🤔…., We decide to stop off before going home, there’s an Aldi nearby, I need just a few bits for over the weekend….it’s nearly 4pm at this point in time, so I’m in and out of that shop quicker than a quick thing…. it’s still raining….of course it is…the skies laden with more, People are rushing about, cars come at you from all directions, I realise it’s Friday night, of that I’m by now fully aware, but I’m wondering why the hurry, am I missing something here?😁,

It takes a full fifteen minutes to slowly make our way out of the carpark, the entrance being wonderfully located at a busy t junction, it’s also school pick up time….there’s cars flying about with angry impatient drivers, horns beeping, fists flaying and all we want is a wee pause in the endless stream of cars to get out.pleaseeeee!….no ones being that helpful….it took longer to exit the car park than for me to shop….let’s just get home!!!!!…….We drive the rest of the way back in exhaustive silence…rain smashing against the Windows, the wipers hypnotic in their bid to keep the vision clear…by the time I reach home, I never want to leave again…..I sit quietly still trying to process the day an hour later….Debbie texts how about we go out for coffee in the week…….oh hell!!!!!!😁, but I go…. …whatever your up to this weekend folks, stay warm, stay safe and look after yourself💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛.

The Ghost of Christmas past….

I had already sworn to myself, I would not word this, because in doing so I would give it credence, let it free from the once hidden constraints, the deepest passages of my mind, and once voiced there would be no binding the words back up, putting them back in their box, no locking them away,. they would be free, finding lives of their own, wreaking havoc, No longer just quietly haunting my mind in the darkness, lurking in shadowy corners, waiting to pounce…I could no longer live in that self indulged world of denial, ..now it was the steely cold world of truths, truths I had always buried in the dense undergrowth, you know it’s still out there, but that’s denial for you eventually it will want to break loose and want it’s time, !

I had used Christmas sorely, all the while I worked in a flurry of activity, I found myself coping with my lot most admirably, oh don’t get me wrong, while alone in the depth of night, I clawed over things, tangled tight woven conversations, looking for patterns, clues, rewinding, replaying each nuance until like those old reel to reel tapes of yesteryear, my taut mind threatened to snap…It and I am exhausted, but there’s no let up…Over my head both day and night hangs the mighty sword of Damocles, hanging by the solitary strand of golden hair, in some ways I long for my fate to be over, ( better to get it over with surely)…. Then there’s the other times I bury myself deep in my softest fleece blankets, lay upon my side staring at the freshly painted white wall beside me, the same walls I had painted just months previous, filled with hope, new beginning, what happened…whispering is what happened…..

Weeks before Christmas I had heard words I took on, from a well meaning source, supposedly looking out for me !, I’m not quite as sure now this being the case, People say things for all kinds of reasons known only to themselves, Many for their own devices, mischief…At first I let it play out in my mind, it taunted me until I saw shadows everywhere….this ruined the great joy I get each year over the Christmas period, I delight in its magical atmosphere, normally it’s a time when I lay to rest the stress of the year, that’s normally though…but not this year, I couldn’t settle, the what ifs attacked in full force?, The constant tortures of questioning, would brook no silencing, distraction didn’t chase away the darkness, it followed me even into rare moments of sleep, giving me no let up, backing me up against the wall…now I had to turn and face that shadow, the whispers, I could either let it carry on with its path of unwieldy destruction eating into my soul, or come out fighting….I chose the latter, I’ve learnt over the years with battling illness and life itself, I’m no quitter….

Christmas came and went, it was pleasant enough, I received some beautiful gifts, shared time with loved ones, but it was a massive time of self discovery, my strengths, weaknesses…my Achilles heel…I have only one and that’s those I love…So knowing this, I decided everything else didn’t matter, as long as they are well, as long as their there in whatever way they choose, the rest I can face alone if the time comes, and that know how it will …I can take on the beast of many faces, it’s shadowy form haunting me…, …I once read a story about young warriors who were sent out in the long cold nights of winter to test their bravery in hunting and learn survival skills, . One place they all feared, was a legendary deep dark cave, it was believed to be haunted by a ghost of a mighty fighter…All who came upon him in the night, either ran home terrified, or died grotesquely deaths…legends travelling down the ages, only served to make the creature bigger, more fierce, Men avoided the cave altogether….until one particular harsh winter’s night, a loan warrior was forced to take refuge in the very cave, wind whipped around the outside of the cave mouth, with it, heavy snowfall,

Cold, wet and tired our man was lucky enough to find oddments of dry kindling, Cutting some of his hair with a knife, using flint from kit he had carried upon he’s back, he built a small fire…warming his hands in front of the flickering embers, instantly feeling better…eating a little dried Elk meat his strength soon returned, then deciding to sleep until morning, for it was madness to try to travel on, Snow was settling fast,piling up at the entrance, temperatures dropping outside….it was warm in the cave ,eyes drooping, he soon slept, waking occasionally to add to the fire, when awake he sang to comfort himself, watching dancing shapes form in the amber glow upon the dark walls,

He sang to his ancestors, calling upon the men to guide him through the long night, he felt their voices echo around him, the breathes played in his hair, grandfathers, great grandfathers, sat with him by the fireside, he slept deeply finally in the full knowledge they stood guard, …..he hadn’t slept long though before something woke him, heart pounding in his chest, like a million butterflies trying to escape, his nerves taut, ready to fight, like those long gone on before him, …even with the fire, the air had turned freezing, the shadowy figures taller, Sounds vibrating, reverberating, energy flicked like lightning, every muscle now tight, he stilled himself, reaching down for the knife he used earlier, hand clasping the bone handle., Looking about him in the darkness, his eyes soon settled upon a shadow hunkered at the back of the cave…At first the man trembled, how could he take on such a mighty beast, it was bigger, for sure stronger surely….but what choice was there?, If not him who?

Soon he refound his courage, the songs of the long past filled the cave, he called to the shadow as he stood up tall, straight, …but the taller the man tried to appear, the shadow mocked him, it too grew in stature, he waved his knife in anger…the creature mimicking him, but coming no closer….after time the man weary but thoughtful, realised something …….the shadow beast couldn’t move if he didnt, so he sat back by the fire, too tired, accepting of his fate….as he sat in the chill, the creature also seemed glad to be seated…he called once more, but this time instead of repelling the beast, he called it to sit at his side by the fire, come into the light and get warm….as he lifted his hand to indicate friendship, the truth became apparent…..it was just a trick of the light…the mighty beast was no more than himself, his inner fears just made it appear larger…he would fear the beast no more,… leaving the cave the next day chuckling to himself as he walked away…Still it left him with the true knowledge that although the shadow beast hadn’t been real, What he had found was a new courage, if he could take on a beast so momentous in stature, (his own fears), then he could take on anything….

So what’s the Moral of our tale, I too had built up my fears, not willing to face them, the more attention I gave them, the bigger they grew, until I had nowhere left to run, So I could either invite it to the fire to get a closer look, or exhaust myself by remaining fearful, …I won’t say I’m no longer scared, because that’s a lie, but what I know to be true is if you can’t change something, then let it be, if it’s for you it’s for you…..Anyway what I can do something about, Is start off our new year, by wishing you all well, May it bring peace, love and hope throughout…stay safe, stay well out there 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛