Tag: blog

Growth….Dear diary

Three days ago now, I woke up, to what felt like a very normal day, it started out that way, all signs, roads pointed to well, ” Average “…My coffee was hot, strong, dark and a delight for the senses, the water, cool and immensely refreshing upon my skin after a night baking slowly on gas mark 200 million degrees for 6 hours, Sun was up high in its sky, the Bees had done the utmost to chase me away from my own garden, upon I trying to water it….everything was in its place,….So i could not know just 30 minutes later, my world would turn on its axis, the light would slip away, fall into the shadows never to light up again…

My world falling into complete devastation, and as I sat there for the longest time in amongst that rubble, I was about to learn yet another valuable lesson, People and harsh moments are the best teachers,….to begin with, I didn’t know how to deal with this new situation, there was no one I could talk it through with, things spun out of control, off kilter, my mind awash with voices of old, full of spite, hate and criticism deployed their best missiles, one after the other, my walls tumbled and here I sat unable to deflect any of it….

Circle the Wagons…

After time had passed, I began settle though, this situation was no less painful, but the me I’m fast evolving into sat outside, coffee in hand, and allowed my poor exhausted mind time, time for calm, time to evaluate, process this new information and what to do with it.. If I rushed all in filled with anger, upset and emotion, I would surely make mistakes, as Indeed i have all too many times in the past…I needed to start with the very basic, there after to regroup…. Just breathe, calm the mind demons, sit quitely with the situation until you know what you want to do…as difficult as this was to prove it’s the path I decided upon, I holstered my emotions, circled the Wagons and sat there in the moment …

In times of old I would have reacted far far differently, allowing my head to take over, that’s when you know you’ve lost… In the time I sat outside by myself, (no that’s wrong, for I was with myself,…. I had realised though, even talking to a loved one wouldn’t have helped…just selfishly unloaded my cares onto them, I love them far too much for this, plus they have their own issues to deal with…neither did I resort to my old friend food, (binge eat), try to anaestheise pain with sugary treats, it was touch and go there momentarily I admit it😁, but what would this achieve?..nothing of course, only ruin months of gruelling work, plus sicken me both mentally and physically, plus add to my burden…no time was the essence here, time for logic, then after a while set healing in motion…

I’m not sure how long I sat in complete silence, Bees buzzing about my head, butterflies fluttering upon the breeze, worker ants crawling about my feet carrying things back to their nest, but whether I realised it or not, just being there had stilled my hammering heart, slowed down my breathing and allowed me to press the pause button on my world, unplug it so it would reset…yes the issue hadn’t resolved, but how I dealt with it now had…i realised it was 7pm and I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours, as much as the mere thought of eating made me feel queasy, I knew deep down my body needed fuel…something small healthy and nothing to complex, I made a piece of chicken and Some veggies…it was another act of kindness, but to myself, and there’s the thing..when you live alone, you need to become your own companion, treat yourself with kindness, nurture you, become a mother to your overwrought mind and body…it’s the beginning of healing…

I went to bed that night, my mind still spinning with unanswered thought, but I resolved to let them be, maybe they were ever meant to be answered, My dreams were disjointed and crazed as they tried make sense of the things I couldn’t, when I woke up, the pain lay heavy in my chest still, but by tapping into new found strength, i went about my routine, with its shadowy presence following along behind me, every once in a while it would jump out at me sending with it shockwaves of hurt…I saw it, listened in, but moved right along, grief I realise is very different for us all, but I’m proud of the person I’m slowly emerging into…I’m a far cry from the brow beaten, used up person I left behind some eight years nearly now…later that same morning while I stood in my tiny kitchen waiting patiently for the kettle to come to a boil, listening for the click, I went out and grabbed my scales from their box… Standing upon the cold surface I waited for the flashing numbers to stop spinning and say you’ve gained X amount of poundiage, you XL heifer😊…. Instead though I had lost another 7lb😲😮😊….it brings the grand total so far to a none too shabby 42 lb ….I celebrated this victory, as I celebrated my sadness, by myself, ever mindful that’s by myself…never alone…. And here’s to the next 42 lb….What ever your doing this weekend, please take care of you, remember your worth it…till next time 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Marioooooo, Diary of utter Chaos….

So Monday arrives once again(oh Boy!!!!!) and there i was looking forward to my usual Caffeine induced morning high… As I traisped bare foot out into the darkened kitchen, where I keep the kettle, (think that’s where most kettles are to be found though😁), I was immediately hit square up the Snoot by some fresh new hell, that had taken up residence in my kitchen over night….There was no escaping its presence either right from the very outset,.There was this oppressive overbearing stench, circulating in the air, like a toxic nostril dissolving gas cloud……what was odd though?,why I hadn’t detected it anywhere else in the flat was beyond me, Now unless Ethel, Aragne or John the residential XXL common house spiders have developed chronic wind from over indulgence of fruit fly pie, I was going to have to go into sniffer dog mode😷😊,..either that or get my best sleuthing hat on and damn fast, failing that, soon I was going to be rendered unconscious …..Couldn’t have that as i didn’t have my best undies on at the time or worse still id had no coffee😮😮😮😮, So it was neither convenient or practical to swoon at this point, plus no one but the spiders were around to witness said swooniage😁,(but then when is falling in a heap on the floor ever a good thing, I’ve not practiced doing this lady like yet should the occasion arise,. then if I happened to fall they would experience tremors in Nepal😁) Plus that kitchen floor is too blooming cold😊. …..

As I fill up the kettle, getting my usual icy cold wake up call water bursting forth from the tap covering my face, t shirt and everything in the nearby vicinity,.. It’s as I,m mopping myself dry that the cause of all my problems soon became evident,. Water instead spiralling into a nice clockwise orderly funnel fashion, before draining away down yonder plughole, is annoyingly beginning to pool, smack bang in the middle of my shiny sink……. Uhhhh, and there it sits stagnating demonic like….Now I have had an issue with said Plugole on numerous occasions…in fact if I’m honest we are at full scale war waging point…this latest drama was one of many….I flicked on the kettle and tried to ignore the pooling water….but each time I moved about the room, My eyes were drawn back to it….you’ve heard of ear worms right? , well this was an eye worm of epic proportions, like a magnet focussing my every attention, burrowing into my normally over occupied mind…I knew without a shadow of doubt, I would be obsessed until I cleared the water and blockage there of……this meant all out war…..and I was ready …😊 well after coffee…

I went to the bathroom using the rest of the hot water from the kettle and my camping shower thingy…at least this morning’s ablutions would not consist of holding ones breath and washing high speed before turning into a lifesized popsicle…anybody that tells you cold showers are healthy, (ain’t never done it regularly) today was kind of luxury….a step up, (Tepid)….I was living it up now baby!!!!!!. Why do I shower in cold water?, Don’t ask!, It’s another battle waging on for years now with my energy provider….or as I fondly call them my fuel Highway men…..Anyhow back to the subject…I’m now scrubbed and shiny, caffeinated to the core….I’m ready to commence war on that infernal blockage….it was it or me….and I had a kitchen to clean so it wasn’t going to be me…..

Over the next hour the stale water finally drained away….so here was my chance, (insert menacing evil laughter) ….I would commit chemical warfare!!!! …..I pulled out every cleaning product from under the sink and lined them up like soldiers across the drainer….we would begin with my old favourites…. The Baking powder, white vinegar, and salt combo….I felt like the lead in Macbeth, swishing my black robes as i concoct bubbling brews for my sink cauldron… I added the white vinegar to baking powder, it begins bubbling impressively at once….like a mini inverted Vesuvius….I listened as it fizzled spectacularly for all of two seconds before, well just fizzling itself out like a cheap firework!…..hmmmmm, that was boring….maybe some hot water, yes let’s boil the kettle, I could always make another coffee, there’s always room for coffee, while in battle….surely they must of had coffee breaks during the second world war…didn’t they?…..I mean you would need to break for refreshments, tea, coffee, digestive biscuit anyone?😁…..after making another coffee, I poured the remaining boiling water directly down its Plugole….huh I would scald it into undeniable submission, Chase that blockage that into oblivion…..like hell! It gurgled back at me offensively, before spitting up a large jet of the mixture of scalding water, baking powder, vinegry, stencified water, hitting me square in the face….now this thing was mocking me…..I can’t have it!!!!!!!!….I threw the tea towel at it enraged!!….huh take that you foul feind….only now I had a stinky wet cloth as well as the white gunk dripping down it’s merry way my cheek……

Three days on……

Yes some three days later and the battle was still in full swing, I had tried every combination of cleaning products know to cleaning kind, I had tried plunging it without a plunger that’s not easy yah know…..(no don’t it’s such a shame it really is…. ). I was becoming increasingly more furious at my lack of plumbing know how…yes I knew it was something most likely loitering definitely in the depths of the U bend…it had likely dug trenches, set up an early warning system for my not so surprise midnight attacks, barracks, barricades, and anti Treez missiles launchers….Try as I might I couldn’t concentrate on anything other than the ever increasing mess in my kitchen and the siege taking place in the sink Orifice….damn that thing…and it’s worsening toxic gas emissions, which was now slowly permeating throughout the rest of my flat….despite an abundance of scented candles, air freshener, essential oils, and burning Sage(no don’t panic not the Budgie😊)….I began awaiting a visitation from the FBI, Scotland yard, or the flying squad at any moment, (not for coffee) but digging up the floor boards looking for anything Sus like…..Even my old friend from the peanut gallery chimed in, talking of Sage…..all day he chirruped up with What!, What!, what!, Shxttttttttt!, Yes all the world and it’s budgie is a critic….but he wasn’t wrong.🙄

Jesse was by now either sick of me marching up and down, tapping my wall battle graph plan with my makeshift batton…either that or wanting a cease fire….asking out the blue one evening…Honey have you tried a plunger?????, I turn slowly, eyes flaring, emitting sparks and everything, glaring at the phone….Hon, I say finally after taking a deep calming breath, I’ve tried quite literally everything I know…some I don’t actually….(I’m ready to sacrifice a pink lady Apple to Mario the God of plumbing, Dance naked about a solar flame lamp in the front garden at full moon….I’ve read every plumbing advice text known to Google, watched so many YouTube videos on the subject I’m ready for that next phase in my life….plumbing….😁, Jesse goes quiet knowing eventually this latest rant will run out of steam….well hopefully anyhow….he places a protective tin hat on Cumzi(our dog) and goes and get provisions for the night…..it’s set to be a long one…..later..much much later….when the caffeine has lost its power, when my energy is spent….I lay down, (body drained….more than the blooming sink is) a little voice pipes up….”Honey I’ve ordered you a gadget to clear your blockage”….not something you expect to hear from ones Fiance😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, “it’s on its way to you sometime tomorrow”……I’m not so sure anything is ever going to clear this ever!!!!!, But bless him, the thoughts there …..I fall asleep that night wondering do Amazon deliver hand grenades, if so do they ask your age? 🤔.

The following day after some pacing and waiting , the Gadget arrives, I welcome the delivery guy, more like the Saviour of the free world than an Amazon delivery person…I’m desperate….my kitchen more so, I hate the stack of plates, the build up of cleaning …I don’t do untidy well., I try shutting the kitchen door and pretending it doesn’t exist….you all know how that went 🙄😏, …but now I have my new plunger gadget thing….I love a new toy….Jesse sits back to watch the proceedings indulgantly….there’s not many woman that get excited over a gift of the plumbing variety…well his does!!!!!., …I feverishly unpack the item, tape, paper, card flying through the air at speed….in the end I’m left holding what to me looks something like one of those old laser weapons from 70s sci fi days…..oh cool! I exclaim suddenly!!….”Honey you bought me a laser weapon”……, “No, no sweets I think I actually ordered you a plunger”!!!, Oh I say trying hard not to let the disappointment show in my voice….but this could still be fun….

Taking the phone, I tip toe off out into the kitchen, I want to sneak up on my nemesis…..your meant to surprise and concur I think, or is that divide???, I’m not sure but it’s gonna get it’s just deserts pretty soon…..the plunger works by putting a wide airtight rubber dishlike thing over the plug wotsit, up by the handle there’s a pumper upper dodah…..I pump that thing like something possessed…I’m giving it everything….then once you cannot push the pusher thing down any more you release a switch…..this gives off a sudden blast of air into the ubend and killing the blockage totally….huh take that…..well that’s what’s supposed to happen….it takes three attempts, and I can’t say I didn’t have fun…because secretly i did!!!!😃😃😃, On that very last bang of air, this fountain of stale water springs into the air, covering everything in its path…but then miracle of a miracle, the water in sink finally drains away, with a last defiant gurgle, the water is no more….I’ve won…..Jesse can’t help but laugh as I go on to use my plunger gadget again and again, not because it’s needed, I have to, but because it’s fun… doesn’t take much to amuse this poor deluded soul….Anyhow enough of my Gassing like I’ve nothing better to do…I’ve laundry to get in off the line and fold…all kinds of excitement…have a good weekend folks, stay well and safe out there ….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛