I didn’t realise until trying explained mine and Jesse’s set up for the billionth time to yet another somewhat curious bystander, Just how strange or otherworldly it must seem to anyone other than ourselves, and thats only because we are here living it, to us it’s the most natural thing in the world, like morning following night, breathing,making coffee or eating a slice of cake😊.

I suppose if I were that bystander looking from the outside, it may well just seem peculiar to me also, darn right its odd, but it’s our odd.. So Let’s start at the very beginning for those tuning in for the first time, (those in the know please bear with, perhaps go get a coffee and a nice slice of cake😁)…if your still here? , sitting comfortably then I shall begin ?😁,. Back in the Autumn of 2017 children, this being before the great plague (aka Covid, which in it’s turn gave rise to toilet paper-gate., ..Around this time I had been volunteering as an admin for an Agoraphobia self help group, I was making some new friends with several of my fellow admin, bonding closely over our common goal to help other sufferers ..Having them at my back not only helped my own confidence to grow over the months, but was encouraging me to cross boundaries, face fears and seek further person growth.. One of these friends I wasn’t to know at that time would grow into so very much more…Jesse..

Later that same year as both of us were to face some horrendous changes, On one night in particular things had became ever increasingly emotional for me to the point I was just holding on minute by minute, it was all I could manage, Jesse reached out with a welcome hand to hold as I sat very alone in the darkness…the upshot being, he was of course over the pond in America, I was here in the UK, with each text sent dividing miles melted away, Using messenger, text upon text flew back and forth throughout the night..neither of us could ever have known then how our lives were about to go through yet another momentous change, how could we…looking back I suppose if you take two lost, lonely hurting souls and give them enough time in each other’s company…they will grow enough love to fill the void that life can create …and we did.

Eventually texting was to prove not enough for either of us, it was around this time also I managed after much deliberation,determination and effort, to climb a mountain..(my very own personal Mount Everest😊, No mean feat for someone with thirty odd years of severe Agoraphobia under their belt, rarely if ever leaving my home, let alone fly to different countries…letting love be my guide and inspiration I found the courage needed and was about to do something so huge that I still find it incredulous to believe that person was little old me😁…that same person took three flights, (one being very turbulent) surviving airplane food, battling over crowded airports, border control, no phone signal..getting lost twice, I’ve still no sense of direction😁.. But I finally met up with Jesse…We had three whole months of bliss..it was never going to be enough of course, but it was something to build a future on, we knew without any doubt, this was no quick fling, flash in the pan…Our feelings if anything had grown immensely. For myself, on my part, I knew there would be no going back from this new world we had built about ourselves, our glorious bubble… My American man held up my stage coach and robbed me of my heart.. Being more calamity Jane, than Lily langtree i was more than happy to ride off into the sunset with him….

I of course had to return home after the three months when my temporary visa run out, I hated it…walking away from Jesse in the airport was one of the toughest things I’ve ever done..tougher than beating breast Cancer, combating Agoraphobia, EDS, Depression…there’s nothing I can compare it too if I’m honest, I’ve never felt anything on that pain scale before or magnitude…while back on home ground although we were as close as ever, I felt myself go into a sharp decline..the panic attacks were back, I had several frightening Angina episodes …my heart was literally breaking….we talked it over..researched till blue in the face about how quickly I could return..it seemed there was no limit I could go straight back…I raised the ticket fare, packed up my then home and set off to the airport..that was the easy part….from there it all went horribly wrong…

Due to a mix up with my Visa at border control at Detroit no only could I get no further, I was sent home on the very next flight…the problem with my Visa still hasn’t been put right…it was through no fault of mine or Jesse’s just one of those things….

Six years on an here’s where our story has left off…it all seems so hard to explain…there is none I guess, except being apart was none negotiable, not happening…so how could we be together.. With miles of ocean keeping us apart…Messenger….We fell into this 24/7 crazy hectic lifestyle quite by accident, it’s not what we want, it’s not ideal…but it’s what we have, it’s all we have..

We have had many over the years doubting our story, “surely you go off sometimes”?…quick answer here no never., “What about at night they ask’? “What about it I reply”..”you must turn it off while you sleep”?….I look puzzled back at them Why?????, In six years we have been together 24 hours of every day….if I go out, Jesse comes along for the ride in phone land, if he goes anywhere I do likewise…whether work or social…both close friends and family are used to us now, always looking for the phone we they see us…

It has reached a point where we can both be in a deep sleep, our phones become disconnected for whatever reason…I will wake up almost instantaneously, seeing the screens black and even before fully conscious I’m hitting the call back button😁…stranger still Jesse answers without ever fully waking up himself…we may mumble out the words “I love you” before falling straight back into oblivion…We may also just go straight into tractor engine snore mode😁…both finding the sounds of the other sleeping soothing… What helps also is Jesse’s rock band era left him slightly deaf…My snoring being used to test sound proofing here abouts😁😁😁😁😁….

We cook together, do laundry, clean house, play music, stream the same tv, even sinking the sound up…we are cool😁😁😁😁😁, as I have said of course this is not ideal, and I would give up the rest of my days quite literally for one last 24 hours in the same room as Jesse, despite this unique closeness, there are very real times i feel so alone, especially in times of trouble..because he can’t be there to hold me…there’s also the times he’s been ill, it’s wretched to witness someone you love sick and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to help..I hate these times most of all I think. I know he says the same, hes seen me through Covid on three occasions now, even apart I know I couldn’t have got through without him…

I know some reading this would ask the dreaded question…why put yourselves through this?…I can only answer for me of course…but the thought of being apart even for one moment is hell on earth, we did in our early days before meeting up, try going our separate ways… if I tell you I thought I was going to die, my heart cease to beat…it’s no exaggeration..I cannot think of a life without us in it….it’s always us..not me..not Jesse ..just us…On one of our very last nights, while Jesse and I lay together in the dark we said some vows to one another simple words of love, hands clasped tightly, eyes locked, but those words made of love were as binding as any agreement in church, if not more so…So we call each other husband and wife,

Clinging to the hope that one day, just one day we can make it official…tear away these miles that keep us so cruelly apart and finally spend the rest of our days together…we will fight on until that moment…Taking on the powers that be, governments, authorities who don’t understand our need to be together, for whom love is just a fancy, words…worthless…not the way of life we have come to know it to be….

So here we are back where we started, as I write, Jesse is working away, as my day draws to it’s close, his is still going strong…even time, miles, nothing gets in our way….24/7 togetherness I know wouldn’t be for everyone, but we are not thank goodness everyone, as you read this, we have laughed at our stupid jokes, shared a meal, showered, sat outside in respective gardens, slept in each other sight, looked into each other’s eyes many times and said I love you…the one thing that scares me most about this whole damn thing is the what if????….even thinking this sends a physical pain burrowing deep into my chest…the raw emotion threatens to stop my next breathe, but the questions real, hanging over us like a boulder threatening to drop any time…what if either of us should leave this mortal coil before we get to hold each other again….???, There Ive said it…what’s more upsetting in a world full of anger and violence, where wars rage, and deaths so very real…Love has little meaning to the powers that be,it cannot be exchanged for the almighty dollar, it will not booster the economy , but mine and Jesse’s time is finite, limited…we both know the realities…the sands of time fall faster now….ideally in a just world right now we would be sat together probably plotting what we would like for dinner, who turn is it to load the dish washer or vacuum, but instead we are kept apart by red tape…so this is what we have…it’s What we are about in our 24/7 eletronic mixed up world….. Mixed up but full of love….I hope I’ve managed to impart just a small part of it….what if this takes another six years? Well let’s hope not for both our sakes but if it does then so be it….whatever your doing tonight folks, stay safe, and look after yourselves …💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜