Last week I took my life in my very hands and finally plucked up the courage to call through to my doctors surgery😊, (it has only taken me all of six weeks, this is in fact a new record yay me!😁, (good job it wasn’t life threatening is all I can say😊) I could barely walk, but after all walking is vastly over rated isn’t it?…I will never quite understand why I struggle on this for so long, before it gets to that last minute thing and I give in and call, I build it up in my mind until it feels insurmountable…. Then there’s the added fact that they are after all very nice really,, so it doesn’t quite make sense, but such is me, it’s over quickly and quite painless ….I then take a deep breath once again,while i wonder what all the fuss was over…This time was slightly different though, as a doctor would be calling me back😮…reception didn’t exactly know when, could be that day, the following one or next week even😊….oh well I laugh, trying hard to reasure the apologetic receptionist Becky that is all indeed fine for me, it’s not as if I could go anywhere anyway😊, i didn’t bank on silly things, like oh say like bathroom trips, eating or that crucial next coffee, while phone watching 😁.

When my phone does finally deem fit to spring into life some time later, I jump like an idiot, I’ve only sat watching and waiting for over an hour now, why does this even happen?😁…when I do finally stop staring at it, as if I have the ability to answer it telepathically.., I find out its Becky the receptionist lady…(I’m convinced by the way,,, she only has a top half of a torso and lives predominately behind glass, does she have legs behind there I ponder aimlessly while she awaits patiently for me to answer?….stop digressing woman…When I finally get it together enough to reason, she is actually expecting a reply of sorts. I reply lol,,,.Becky then informs me I have been made an open appointment at my local X-ray department…oh joy!!!,I’m going to have to circumnavigate my way around peopling again….I check out “the Youtube” .

I wonder what happened to the olden days,? when you had to visit your GP, he would send you away to await a referral letter….Six months later, when your leg had dropped off while shopping in Tesco or any other store in your area, and you’ve quite forgotten all about it…said mail drops through your letter box,… No now it’s all changed folks, Becky promptly sent me a follow up text with a list of choices and times to go along ….I know how bloody civilised right?….you get a choice!!!!!!,I’m impressed.

So this is all very nice and everything…but now what?..Not driving how do I go about this appointment thingy? Arrangements need to be made, i phone a friend,aka Debbie!, Debbie knows everything, and will know what to do for the best…I phone at once before I can launch the cogitation section in myself ….I’m a great cogitater you know😁, an even better procrastinater, ewwww I love a good procrastination me….But this time I set those wheels in motion, and damn it within minutes she replied😊, I had text her the list of times hoping amongst hope, she would come back with some excuse or other why shes too busy at least until next June…Debbie is a very busy lady doing things like,,, I don’t know but!!!..she sings in choirs, Shanghais local garden centres kidnapping all their plants along the way, drinks wine with friends and eats kitkats, all the kitkats, but oh no not this time!!….a big smiley emoji pops up with a sudden rudeness announcing ping!!!! upon my screen, I peel myself down from the ceiling once more, ( I must get that damn cobweb sorted next time, and cover up those embedded nail grooves)…Debbie knowing me all to well also, grabs the opportunity with all alacrity, left to ones own devices I will put it off till July 7th 2039 at the very earliest….,but no she says how about 9:30 friday?…it’s Thursday, how am I going to work my way into a decent state of heightened stress in two days?????, But I find myself quickly agreeing anyway before I have chance to talk myself out of it, all the while my inner torment screams incandescantly tell her you’ve a previous engagement, damn and holeys I don’t go out!!! … Let the chuntering mind monkey commence ….. and he does, hasn’t he ever heard of speak no evil…

I text Debbie an hour or so later….can we at least go for coffee and cake after…”i,’ll be good I promise”, there’s a resounding No!!!!!, So that’s that then, I can’t have nothing!!!…not even cake to look forward too…turns out Debbie has a luncheon booked with friends where guess what they’re only having cake without me!!!😮.

Sunday 9:30am…0hour…make it stop!

The two days pass quicker (or is that quickly🤔) than I would like, I must admit I was already not looking forward to being out that door by 9:30am…does anyone actually go out on a Sunday at that time?, Is it even decent?…I was groggy from lack of sleep, and worse still lack of coffee when I clamber into the shower..I’m grouchy and desperate to ring Debbie and call it off…but by some fluke I manage to be ready to leave at 9am in case Debbie arrives early…I text and let her know…

Debbie arrives bright and breezy….she’s one of “those” people all sunshine to my showers….talking of which, the sky decides to commiserate with me…it’s a dark even slate grey, the clouds even though it’s rained throughout the previous night, heavy and pregnant with yet more rain..there’s the briefest of lulls…like someone’s hit pause…for June though there’s a chill in the breeze…as we take the drive over we chat about the weather like good Brits 😁, the endless monsoons effect on our garden, the mention of frosts in the week, and dragging out our fleecy blankets to stave off the nights chill anything to keep my mind from focussing on the task at hand…Debbie is used to my endless nervous drivel by now…like Jesse they manage to tune into another frequency…😁

We arrive all to quickly and are booking into reception, I shuffle nervously while giving my information, looking about me at others looking about also, all wondering what forms of fresh torture is in store for us today…I swear that passing nurse has a Portentous look upon her face…she turns and grins at me…oh hell!!!, I’m about ready to hobble out and make good my escape when Debbie grabs my arm and forces me physically into a chair…pulling her seat near in case I make a break for it…I’m barely sat when my name’s called out…a short dark haired male nurse stands clip board held high like a shield protecting him from all oncomers….head down looking at my feet I follow…not engaging in small talk or looking up into he’s eyes in case I see an evilness lurking there…I look back hopefully at Debbie surely we should run right, go get coffee, buy plants…maybe the bribe of a kitkat…but she has by now, her best librarians face on so I meekly follow Vlad the impaler…I mean the nurse, yes nurse..😁.

Vlad looks up from his clipboard for a moment, points to an area hidden away behind some partitioning, Covered in how to do various forms of torture diagrams,…sure I’ve been put through number 4 many times 😁, he says sit!!! in an authoritative voice, I obey instantly..looking at once for my treat…nothing forth coming im afraid….a sudden noise makes me look up from where im nervously twisting my bag strap, sat opposite is a young lass whose taking off her jewellery, I’m tempted all at once to ask her what she’s in for..like inmates on our first day😁…but Vlad gives me “the look” suddenly and I refrain….

Me and my fellow inmate bond briefly while we await, Nervously one of us keeps watch for incoming nurses while the other sends last messages to loved ones on our phones 😁….it’s around then my screen goes black…the buggers have blocked us..our eyes meet and we know certain doom is imminent….what’s worse there’s no Jess…for six whole years we have been on 24/7….now here I am about to face certain death and I can’t even have the comfort of my safe person….my nerves are taunt…if Debbie wasn’t guarding the entrance I know without doubt I would be out that door…

I hate the lifeless screen…I hit call back numerous times, nothing.!!.my breathing quickens, heart races, my head struggles to control my emotions…sweat trickles in rivulets down my back…I look again at the phone in case by some fluke reception is restored..but it’s not…I’m then called through….there’s two male nurses and Vlad..I’m asked my date of birth suddenly by a disembodied voice floating from behind a glass window…I struggle to even impart this…my eyes drawn to the big torture machines, I swear ones the rack…it’s hot in there and who am I again????, Mind spinning off kilter all the while …

I do however manage though to follow the instructions given from the invisible beings, hidden away behind the glass…stand here…bend there, shove your leg over your head(slight exaggeration, but only just) I smile nicely for my picture…only for the voice to bellow STAND!!!!!, Which I do at once…still no treat…that’s it the voice says suddenly out of nowhere….all done I ask hopefully?, Yes you can go….and I do…dragging my bag along the floor as I go out the door still pulling on my trousers…I know how dogs feel now as they drag their owners out the door…painful knee all but forgotten I run out the reception to find Debbie …bag still trailing, one show on the other in my hand….Debbie says that was quick!, The whole thing from start to finish took 23 minutes, to me it’s dragged on for hours…my phone screen lights up suddenly, a call tone fills the silence, I swipe downward and Jess is back…I can breathe again…I pull Debbie out the door before Vlad comes looking for me ….we don’t slow down until we reach the car…Debbie looks bewildered at me…you ok?….am now I reply😁….

It’s decided unanimously by me😁, that we need coffee and cake…I’ve been through the wars for goodness sake…ok had an X-ray…but even Debbie agrees now, we got finished earlier than either of us could have ever have hoped for, so now there was time…we settle for a local Costa where we enjoy are well earned refreshments, I had the most delicious light blueberry muffin with my coffee, my world already looking infinitely better ….

We had already planned on a quick visit to the local garden centre as my reward for good behaviour… I was not quite so sure my behaviour was as good as Debbie would have liked, but that as they say is another story I hope my dear friends your coffee is as strong and glorious as you are…take good care of yourselves until next time 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜….

A flash in The pan

The over thinker who always lurks some place beneath the surface only to show itself sudden and unexpected quite like a rabid Loch Ness monster really, never seen but non the less we believe in it, so it must be so) Persuades me I need to explain more so please bear with …. I’m not and never will be, talking about erectile dysfunction by the way, let’s clear that up right now😊…First and foremost I have not the necessary equipment required, secondly well let’s just leave that right there shall we!😁…EDS in this womans world, is in fact Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and for years I knew nothing of its very existence let alone worry if Im even pronouning it right, (what’s that about ignorance and the bliss thing?)…..but there it is …it too lurked hidden away in the depths, behind a tangled multitude of childhood illness, clumsiness and undiagnosed symptoms…what is it?, Well it’s inherited that much is known…mainly from Mother to daughter..but as Ive spent more time in research, I have infact uncovered that no one in the family is safe..it can and does go from mother to son also…The list of symptoms are longer than my actual Amazon shopping wish list!!!.. Hard to believe anything is that long right?😁, And these days Im finding it somewhat easier to tell my GP what I don’t have going on when asked….that will be mainly diabetes so far…I ward that menace off with threats of violence, a large whip, but mainly by a diet miserably lacking in anything that tastes even remotely gorgeous or even edible at times, but I digress…..EDS effects the connective tissues(Collagens) throughout our bodies, its the very thing that stabilises our joints holding them in their place, well in most normal folk anyhow….but that’s just one of the more simple issues to explain… the list is as Ive hinted, endless….here’s some more for you..Dislocations…yes the joints anywhere in our bodies can and will fall from their socket without any exertion manipulation or prior warning… Yes it just happens…poof!!!!(My favourite black t shirt has on the front My joints go out more than I do, (sad but so true)…i joke often about this and make light where I can, But it is infact extremely painful and terrifying…you never know when your going to be walking along fine one moment….the next up close and personal with a passing ant or worse,,an abandoned doggy deposit…this is again not only painful, distressing, but equally embarrassing….One of the key reasons I now live in trousers these days was due to an incident many years ago, where I unintentionally flashed my bright red satin lacy briefs to the whole of a returning five o’clock work rush hour, yes I lay sprawled across the pavement ….One moment I’m walking enjoying the late afternoon sunshine, the next my ankle just gave way and there I am, not only cut and bleeding but flashing half of Essex…trousers are not only a must but essential, my only comfort was I had on decent undies not my usual comfy pants……girls listen to your mothers😁

The skin covering our bodies is not only exceptionally soft(I’ve heard it described as velvet like) , but overly stretchy…also prone to tears, poor healing, scarring, puckering and last but by no means least stretch marks yay us, good to know stretch Armstrong could be a relative ….

Teeth and gums….

yes we still have them😁 , and thank goodness, or how would I eat my one true weakness( but that’s coffee of course, goes without saying) then there’s cake…..No some of us have teeth that over crowd at the front, receding gums, poor teeth despite years of good hygiene and dental care… tooth spurs, oh and best yet …our jaw can discolate or sublux during dentistry visits, it happens!…nice…don’t ask about pain relief, because Joy of joys it doesn’t always take…. Gotta love when the drill hits a nerve, you reach dizzying heights and see work that needs doing on the dentists ceiling…mouth full of jaw clamps, your asked oh did that hurt….oh hell no I’m fine…I just have a penchant for Artex….

Falling for you….

Cord tethering, (no not crochet or knot tying) severe spine curvatures, scoliosis, upper neck problems… Let’s set the scene for a sweet tale….There’s nothing more romantic to finish off that evenings wonderful dinner date, alone with the man of your dreams, Than an early night tucked up all warm and cosy, a softly lit room, wrapped up in each others arms with a episode or three of game of thrones😁😁😁😁😁….your man turn looks deeply into your eyes and says ‘do you have the tv remote on your side honey?’😊 I know, I melted right there…, Without untangling myself i turned my head slowly to the right reaching over to the bedside table, …….the next thing i knew im laying flat out across the floor…now our romance at this stage was still exciting, wonderous and new….but this excitement we could well do without…I shake my head, come too for real, look up to find one concerned Jesse looking over the side of the bed, down upon me….’ermmmm honey whatever I said or did you didn’t need to propel yourself out the bed to get away from me’….all I had done was turn my bloody head (to the right….too late after the fact to remember I can’t in fact do this,or i find out to my deep embarrassment…I pass out on the floor😁…this is not or never has been the meaning of falling in love……. It a good job we both have a wicked sense of humour…

Going potty …..

Or Pots….Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome…a condition in which a reduced volume of blood returns to the heart when standing from sitting or laying down…fun symptoms…sudden dizziness or light headed, fainting (always a favourite, noticeable heartbeat, palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, shaking and sweating….that’s without the other cool stuff..like feeling sick, diarrhoea,constipation,bloating and our old favourite cramping mmmhmmm….

Quite honestly there’s nothing it doesn’t effect, including early onset arthritic pain….most EDS sufferers go undetected maybe even throughout life..it’s easy done, my early pain levels were described by both parents and GPs as growing pain..the odd contortions and body movement put down to being double jointed….anxiety, phobias, just a nervy child….I was two for instance before I started walking, choosing to shuffle in an odd crab like motion around the floor instead… Upon seeing an old photo of my mother holding me up at about a year it became patently obvious why…my knees where overly large and facing inwards… I’ve no instep, and walk pigeon toed…since early memory there’s never been one day without pain..just hasn’t ..it’s as much a part of my life taking a breath…only I’m fond of that..

Most of what I know was thanks to research, joining forums, talking to others…in the early days I believed everything I went through, was normal, everybody felt the same..I was just more clumsy..lacking spatial awareness, suffering more childhood illness …when I was diagnosed by a therapist, I could have cried..because although hyper mobile joints just meant I was overly flexible in my book…when I started finding out more, I realised that was the tip of the iceberg, the way this was going to effect my well being later was to be harsh…don’t get me wrong..I would far rather go through it than the alternative..

On the plus side I’ve since learnt to realign and manipulate joints back into place..it leaves them slightly sore for a few days and there’s a real risk they will at some point drop back out but this is thankfully unusual..my Ribs slipping on the other hand, once that happens I usually have a few more episodes over the next few days and weeks…because that being the most painful of course wants to occur at will…😁.

X rated…

Yesterday saw me back at the hospital once again, yet another X-rays and wait while they establish there’s not much can be done…and I’m well aware this is something I have had to cope with and do.. as I said I know no different, having a sense of humour has been the biggest asset I could have, you need one while dealing with this…Next week it’s the physio or the rack for (the torture chamber) as I know it by…from there who knows….guess it’s wait and see…whatever your dealing with folks please look after you …take care now until next time 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Going to bed at night,after previously checking your front door is bolted securely,at least seven or eight times, then pulling closed the heavy curtains, shutting out the fast cooling evening world with its deepening inky blue darkness,. Laying upon the bed, curling your knees up into your chest, covered up by a rather baggy oversized blue nightshirt purloined off ones daughter😁, forming a ball almost feral style …there really is still little guarantees sleep will find you… But somehow I already aware of this.

Even the fact that I had been tired for a number of hours made little difference, My body had however set in motion that slow wind down process soon after I had eaten a very fitting repast earlier that very same evening,. One Of herb incusted thick cut pork chop, baked slices of still crisp sweet fragrant pink lady apple, tiny new potatoes, Broccoli and green beans, normally after a full stomach I struggle to keep my eyes open. Fooled me huh!

Last night just wasn’t to be..my mind whirled around like some new fangled turbo charged washing machine on ultra clean…..thought after thought becoming entangled like so many clothes within and around each other..I have a whole array of tools in my anxiety tool box, to normally combat this, Shut it out long enough to rest somewhat fittingly… however for some reason the tool I needed most must have hidden itself away in some deep dark confine last night…And I was either too tired, too comfortable or just couldn’t be asked to go in search either…and for me that was ok!, being awake in the night hours seldom bothers me..taking some strange other worldly comfort in the knowledge im alone and awake, while most of the world is deep in its slumber…

I’m half watching something on prime called Chicago PD..it’s a fair watch. Its in a similar style to my other old favourites..SVU, NCIS etc, I lay tuning in and out each new episode, thought after thought takes it turn at ruining that usual full concentration…my mind repeatedly drawn by a small cream coloured card container sat on top of the newly refurbished and repurposed Cinnie hutch…(I will explain more on that anon)….But it held nestled within it confines, secure, a most delightful treasure…and my mind wanders across to it throughout the evening,…..it had its own self contained magnetic pull, one despite my best every effort I find difficult to ignore …

As the image sits in the semi darkness of my small living room, there on the highly polished chestnut wood surface all mocking and enticing like,, slowly my mind flits back to some hours earlier..thoughts of a pleasant spell spent within good company.. See Monday morning, I had received a text from my Friend Debbie(she of the Aunty Debbie fame, who Budgie sits for me from time to time. She doesn’t only do that of course😁…We share like many Brits a passion for plants and all things garden…in fact I would say if honest it’s more of a secret addiction..watching things thrive with our help, little green leaves bursting forth each spring, followed later that same year by bright gaudy flowers transforming even the darkest grey leaden skies, it really is quite magical… Maybe even witchcraft😊 …and I for one am not too embarrassed to own it….anyhow will you stop waffling Theresa….Debbie wanted to know would I have a mind for a brief car ride, going out to not only feed our mutual addictions for all things plant ….but shhhh there may well just be cake and coffee involved somewhere… More than very likely knowing us 😁

Rarely leaving the confines of this flat for anything more the a few minutes most days…(normally brief spells spent getting my laundry dry between rain showers)… In fact I was unsure I could even make the effort to get ready, let alone face the daunting prospect of more than one person at any given time..the moment I’ve written the words ‘sure what day and time were you thinking’?, I’m rubuking myself soundly…’why did you just say that.. idiot?’ ‘ why couldn’t you just be busy or sick even’?, Then I instantly feel dreadful what an ingrate…someone gives up their precious time to spend it with you…and they don’t have too…they are just thoughtful….so after suitably chastising myself, by sitting on the naughty step and over thinking about it😁..I begin the slow and laborious effort to readjust my thought pattern….we are going, and you will have fun!!!!… Yes you really will.

I do however alter the arranged day that evening, with which Debbie is fine about bless her, give her a kitkat and she’s fine with most things 😁,. leaving the actual time and final destination completely in Debbies more than capable hands, Debbie knows the area having been born locally, this includes the very best garden centres, tea shops for our visits etc, … Friday morning dawns with a heavy grey murky sky, but on the plus side least it’s remaining dry.. After a restless night, I get up around 6am…I give in to my inner insomniac finally, rubbing blurred, sand filled eyes I manage to locate the kettle, flicking down the switch, a dim blue light shines in the still dark chilly kitchen…while it does it’s thing I go take a quick luke warm shower and wash my hair…bribing myself shamelessly all the while..You can have coffee when you’ve showered….sighs…’ Can’t we coffee first, like now maybe?’ No!!!!!!….my petulant inner child wanted to stamp it’s feet at this point, and would have if only I wasn’t still nursing my knee back into something resembling of a working model…..

As I drink a still very much scalding extra strong brew and put on my makeup (yes I’m clever like that), I can do two things at once…😁, im all the while talking myself into looking forward to the excursion ahead…and in fairness I kind of manage it to … Dropping Debbie a quick text at 10:15 telling her I’m up dressed and ready…well not so much ready part, but up and dressed I can do😁, I had shoved my wallet in my bag the night before…cleaned my shoes and sorted out suitable plant buying attire…I finally went with a new pale green top covered in blousy big pink magnolia, teamed this with comfy trousers…. I’m as Ready as I was ever likely to be!…

First stop was to a local plant seller, there was an abundance of vegetables and perennials beaten back and all held captive under a clear corrugated plastic shelter. We of course needed cash at this point, does anyone still actually carry cash ?😁. it is a good job I keep the odd ten pound hidden away in the back of my wallet for emergencies, amongst ancient till receipts, shopping lists, and photos of Jesse and my children..Yes kids I still do that even now😁…..they know what I’m on about….In the end i bought three healthy large tomato plants and hardy fuchsia for very little money…I love supporting local people, it’s good for local economy …. Goodness knows its needed right now…

From there we drove on, just a few miles out of town into some of the most glorious British countryside, the roadside filled with an abundance of wild flowers. The scarlet red poppies refusing to be ignored nestling in amongst the tall verdant grasses, pretty pastel pink wild roses climbing tall weaving their way through the trees..fluffy clouds of cow parsley, May blossom, golden buttercups, daisies contrasting upon nature’s pallet.

Time travelling

You come upon the well hidden away little Garden centre suddenly, it being tucked away behind banks of swaying trees and grasses, its a welcome oasis of calm,. Outside are lines of well watered trays of tempting plants..other corners hold already flowering roses their perfume sweet, dusky and intoxicating..there are herb sections, a tiny gift shop selling local made crafts, honey and treats..my eyes dart hither and thither trying to hungrily take everything in at once…my early reticence about going out long since forgotten, Debbie stands at my side listening to my over excited cries of look look…she smiles at me because of course she’s seen it all many times before…So I drag Jesse away from he’s work there in phone land….look honey look….he too smiles indulgently, him being all too used to my childish pleasure at simple things…as we stand looking at the most stunning backdrop of burgeoning green arable fields, in the distance a tall far off steeple piercing a steel grey sky….my ears are at once filled with a melodic birdsong..it’s the song for me of my yesteryear..one which harks back to days of youth, wonder and calm..days of laying in one of my favourite haunts, (Tilbury ferry fields, sadly no longer in existence), Laying half hidden amongst the grass, eyes shut tight, listening to the gentle hum of bees, rustling trees and the beautiful call of the fluttering over head skylarks…I’m transported in time to another era, while all to aware of the year im in….

The tea room ….

From the outside it resembles nothing more than your average pine wood log cabin…because of course log cabins belong here in the middle of Lincolnshire….the Windows are steamed up somewhat from the heat within…a blue neon light blinks it’s open for business…as we open the door the warmth rushes to greet us, alongside a stunning sweet smell of pastries, cakes and far too many tempting treats to be healthy, but who needs healthy in a tearoom 😊. My nose tingles and twitches it’s onto something, I smell the air appreciatively, lifting my head to drink it all in, like a blood hound on the trail of a myriad of scents, I’m on the case..only I scent coffee first and foremost…not only coffee though…but good coffee..hot, tantalising, strong roasted beans, and I’m only to ready to be seduced all too easily….Once ive given my order for an XXL Americano I can now settle on other important issues of the day, like Cake of course!!!!!!😁, …this little tea room doesn’t disappoint either, there’s rows of every type of home made confectionery to suit even the most discerning of pallet….mines by no means discerning…just lusting 😁, lusting after all things sickly sweet, sugar coated and cakey….

At first I can’t make up my mind, such is the choice at hand, there’s plump iced Chelsea buns, Carrot cake, Coffee and walnut, every flavour scone your heart could desire, cheese cakes, fruit buns, tea cakes, fruit cake, that great British favourite Victoria sponge, made fresh that very morning, with real dairy cream, strawberry jam and dusted with icing sugar…my eyes flit back and forth till they spy a large platter of jewel like cupcakes…I’m undone and defeated…a cupcake it is, Debbie decided quite rightly on the Vicroria sponge….

We sit at a wooden table next to an old hand cart covered with house plants for sale.. timber walls are decorated with beautiful local water colour scenes, painted by a home grown artist, there’s twinkling fairy lights, objects of long gone times, sepia portraits of very serious looking couples, with equally serious looking children kneeling at their feet, colourful triangle bunting sits above the bright windows.. We chat freely amongst each ourselves, my eyes wondering…..before long though we are waited on by a lovely lady…she grins knowingly as we ooooo and ahhhh over our choice of cakes…. not only do they look Devine, the taste does not by any means disappoint…the sugary vanilla buttercream swirled frosting, instantly reminding me of childhood birthday parties, for not the first time that day im transported back to another date, time and place…for that grand price of just £16:00, for those most glorious treats, Im also unknowingly buying a ticket to travel ….back, way back in time….cheap at half the price……So what was in the cream cardboard box in the living room later that night you ask?????, You may well ask?…I bought home a chocolate cupcake for later, yeah I know, my one true weakness, it would have been so rude not to…🙄😁😁😁😁😁😁, anyhow folks I hope your enjoying bank holiday…if you’ve gone away, where’s me postcard?…if your relaxing at home enjoy… And stay safe all …💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹❤❤❤❤❤❤💓💓.

Its been well over a week now since Cinnamon bun(my rabbit) went on before me, over that rainbow bridge into pet heaven.(I do hope that’s where I end up one day, Not only reunited with many a beloved passed companion, but embraced in amongst a huge fur pile of other critters too, That my friends is indeed my idea of heaven😁. The pain sniper bullets are still ambushing me out of nowhere daily, Some in the deep of night, when the silence is so strong I can almost touch it in the air, worse still in the quieter moments throughout my days, they seem somewhat longer than ever now….Ive taken to hobbling through into the livingroom much quicker these days, seeing his empty enclosure, will always be a ghostly reminder of his absence…Doesn’t help none My normal methods of dealing with grief is unfortunately not to be..

The pain in my left leg has been steadily increasing over the days and weeks, …By Wednesday last week I had finally had it with the whole thing…I’m extremely good with pain…don’t misunderstand me here, that doesn’t mean I have to like it in some weirdo M & M kind of way,(S&M) just means after a lifetime of it, it’s your normal. Following you about like a lost puppy…. the only time I can ever recall being without pain was while on Morphine after my hysterectomy or ex_directory as I affectionately call it, those who have survived this joy will understand 😁, only then I was too up in the clouds and stoned to enjoy it…

So Wednesday morning at Roughly around the 4am and BC…(before coffee) I lay awake trying my best not to lay back down and go to sleep…normally this isn’t even an issue but because I had decided to call my Doctor’s surgery early, every blooming last part of me wanted to sleep… knowing if I did full well I would miss that ungodly 8:30 am hour of the receptionist deadline….not easy staying awake without ones caffeine infusions….I put something on prime, only to feel myself drifting and my heavy eyelids involuntary shutting from time to time..Music even on ear splinteringly loud faired little better…I cleaned the kitchen, made a loaf of bread, put on the washing…Before deciding that maybe I had better shave my legs before getting them out at the doctors….sitting in a freezing livingroom, in ones pants and shirt soon waved goodbye to any residual tiredness… goosebumps rapidly sprouting up in between my shirehorse feathery length hair soon had their heads cropped off…my legs now sporting long gouged out furrows from knee to ankle..That razors evil I swear…least they were straight enough for a ploughman to be proud of mind…unsure that even if I did manage one of those few and far between precious doctors appointment thingys..ducking below the receptions radar first of course ….I by now wasn’t so sure he/she would be overly impressed by my smooth but scraped legs….but at least you could no longer feel the breeze playing in the hair….😁,

And actually on the plus side the slight burning sensation was now keeping me warm…. But it was no good, if I had any hope at all of staying awake I needed at least one caffeine hit!😁….as I waited for the kettle to boil, legs tingling I decided on another cunning plan…..yes it could just work though honest….I would put on my psychedelic brightly coloured pants, (underwear)…seriously if I stood in these beside a rainbow I would be in perfect camouflage…well my lower extremities would at least….this could act as a decoy…yes it was a brilliant plan…kettles boiled…coffee.

After which I felt distinctly more human, I’m ready for then next step….shower!, Please in future if I should ever decide mint shower Gel with tea tree is a viable idea upon freshly ground up legs, then slap me up the head with a rotting Eel fish….I just wanted to smell nice, well I did that alright, but now my legs were not just burning , those things were a blooming inferno, so here I am standing with bright red striped legs and psychedelic underwear nice!!!!…what could possibly go wrong…😁..

At precisely 8:30 am on the dot..I make myself comfortably, the past if nothing else teaching me that ringing the doctors is never a foregone conclusion..it takes uber amounts of patience, a tolerance of bad plinky plonky elevator music, and listening to someone telling you over and over your 209th in line of an invisible queue…but if you would prefer to make an appointment online go over to this email address and get no joy😁….so imagine my shock when while waiting I slurp back a huge gulp of scalding hot coffee listening to the ringing…only for a second later a voice says “good morning”!!!! …I swallow the molten coffee down and splutter out a reply…we go over my symptoms quickly all very efficient and so forth…I’m informed that the doctor will in due time call me back….

I hobble about the rest of my day, not expecting a call until that afternoon at the very least….half hour later, a shrill ringing sound shakes me out of my sleepy stuper…I answer the call to a doctor..mmmmmmmmm, mumbles incoherently….I decide then and there to just call him doctor…😁, We go over my symptoms again, I explain I can barely walk, the pain is excruciating and I’m bored now….as well as extremely painful the knee and ankle joints are unstable..collapsing under me at any moment..meaning walking is not only giving me hell but it’s unsafe….Doctor asks do I work????, I smother a sigh..because I know what’s coming now….because I don’t work, I can get on with it…he explains that he’s not particularly worried by anything I had mentioned..it didn’t sound sinister or worrying and I’m to rest my leg up for at least a week…but it is a worry to me as I live alone…one fall outside a slip in here and could I get up..Plus this pain, as I’ve explained I’ve experienced much pain throughout my life, but this feels very different…the only way to describe it is a burning gnawing sensation from my knee downward….it’s a pressure so strong, it feels like I want it to snap to release it…I’m tired of sitting under this…not being able to do anything..look after myself…but I can tell my plight fell on deaf biased ears, I don’t work, so just take pain killers and get on with it…so I do…I will… For what else is there…?

As the phone goes quiet, I sit in stunned angry silence…seems if you don’t work pain and suffering is ok, I go switch on the kettle again….this calls for more coffee, here I am, legs freshly tortured, bright decoy undies and for what…? Week two of leg resting and I’m bloody bored…I’ve read five books, slept away complete afternoons, watched trash tv and drove Jesse crazy…I’m not good at sitting about…I over think when my minds left to it’s own devices…and you don’t want someone like me over thinking….😁, upshot is I’m still doing the whole pain thing, my knee is massive and I’m bored of being bored …..I’m not a good patient…I get up and do stuff just to ward off insanity…not sure it’s working mind…but I did get one thing achieved and that’s revamping Cinnamons home….more about this anon…take care of yourselves folks, until next time. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜x

Five years ago a small bundle of cream and grey lop earred furriness entered somewhat rudely into my life. It was unplanned as most things are in this chaotic mixed up world of mine. Enter stage left, One equally mixed up rabbit, for whom i quite randomly came up with the name Cinnamon bun(a favourite cake of mine lol), He was rather small for his breed and unremarkable for his type, His pale creamy caramel coat lacking in condition, the hair harsh and on end, instead of lustrous smooth and silky mini lops are known for., Before This wee bun came along, I must confess I had had thought my days of rabbit parenting were all but over, Unlike years previous, when many a rabbit had found themselves on my doorstep, finding an instant made home within our large overrun insane asylum, (I mean menagerie over the years) . Most like Cinnie were there through no fault of their own, being either abandoned by their humans, without a backward glance, now homeless…Many came with special needs,(fitting right in with us 😁) others just requiring too much time attention, patience or money than their families were prepared to spend, summer holiday season was always the worst, that much loved pet now expendable, I would offer to foster while they went, some never collected… Each though most welcome and wanted in our full to bursting household, budgets tight, but love infinite… whether as temporary foster or fully committed lifer😁, just as Cinnie was now to become…

the first few days with my brand new charge, were not always erm easy shall we say, We were still adjusting to each others foibles, And no matter how much I thought I knew about rabbits wellbeing and health in general, This was the rabbit about to take my education a mile further..I left him to settle into his new home that night, mainly because up until the day before he had only ever lived outside in a hutch, Now here he was living inside with a strange new human…😁… not just inside though, but in a house no less, With all those peculiar little house sounds, smells and a one crazy companion, every time before I entering what had fast become “HIS” room(aka the one time livingroom), I announced my presence…it seemed only polite under the circumstances him being my house guest, plus I didn’t want to burst in and give my new roomy heart failure in the first weeks of our relationship…I found out soon enough, that actually all things considered he had settled in faster than I could have hoped or anticipated, never batting an eyelid at any household noises, quite the opposite infact, from day one he almost challenged my noisy old upright vacuum “Red” to come anywhere near his bedroom area…one gleaming black beady orb fixed on target… giving both myself and Red that evil side eye I swear we both trembled under his gaze, this was always followed by one impatient stomp of his cute fluffy foot, informing me this was no longer my territory or home there were no exception, vacuums, visitors and singing were now most definitely discouraged if not banned until further notice,.

As I’ve already intimated, Cinnie was to be a rabbit of a different colour, His previous owner told me for instance he had a very discerning pallet, only ever eating one certain and very expensive brand of pellet food…I obediently sent for Sirs favourite without delay!… Only for him to sniff it once,wrinkle up his sweet twitchy nose, look at me greatly offended, turn his back on the shiny new porcelain feed dish complete with name emblazoned on, then walked away never to return…I tried transferring it into his old dish, my thoughts here, Sir might find this new dish somewhat lacking or offensive, not quite up to ones Par. But again he watched me and stomped his disapproval….I spent the next two days buying several different varieties of bunny feed,this ranged from the most expensive to the basic….he it seems being, him wanted the basic… sighs all that money spent., we then went on to shun every type of hay, straw, and barley known to man or beast, it’s rare but happens, he took to posting it out of his bedroom enclosures and scattering the far flung corners of my ahem “his living room” in protest…We may though on a good day deem fit to eat, baby dew covered freshly picked dandelion leaves. For which he’s house servant woke especially early to hunt down before the first sun rays filled the sky, a torch in hand, neighbours perplexed faces pressed up against the glass of their bedroom windows watching on somewhat pityingly, as I fell gleefully on another likely looking fresh leaved dandelion, announcing “gotchcha”! With real zealous once finding my bounty this was done more times than a not in my shorts and in one Jesse’s t shirts😁.

Home life settled back down to some sort of normality as long as I abided by the new improved house rules which were carefully considered and placed by the “Management” (Cinnamon head of house) All house Rules will be strictly followed by residents….oh that’s me!!!!. Rule one..feeding time was no later than 4pm ever, even allowing for daylight saving changes!!!!!. Rule two HOH(head of house) dept require H2O at room temperature in winter months replaced twice daily.Must be chilled in the summer, there was to be no!!!! exceptions on this…. Rule three was established soon after I made the mistake of going out on one of the exceptional rare ventures to a local Lidl for under an hour ….on my return I called out as I entered the front door ” hi Bunny I’m home” not expecting to be greeted or anything,…but nor the disgusted, filthy look from his menacing beady sideeye, whites showing, foot stomping, ending with his back to me each time I walked into the room, 24hrs bloody hours this lasted….so Rule three… No serfs must leave the house under any circumstance…Rule four…. absolutely, under no circumstances were Visitors to be welcomed, let alone encouraged! …again Sirs displeasure was made abundantly clear after a good friend deemed fit to call…worse still she actually spoke to him, “oh my goodness” the look she got before he took himself off to his bedroom to sulk, he was indeed positively livid…this to was neither wise and caused great outrage for the next few days…. I too got shunned!😁……Rule five HOH only likes lavender scented cleaners and fresh newspapers daily in ones bathroom….I followed these rules to the letter hoping to become the bestest rabbit parent and friend known to rabbit kind…I’m sure he felt I failed miserably in all departments though….My report card reading C for effort…

Once the rules were introduced, abided by and I was quite firmly banished into the smaller room of the house(my bedroom) as was ones place I suppose, we returned to some sort of harmony…I built my days around his requirements and in return occasionally I might get to touch his by now silky satin smooth fur, Only briefly mind!!!!thats your allotted time…no liberties!!!….As a rule on his home health checks, he was a gentleman. Grumpily submitting to my ministrations, allowing for grooming, checking him over…nail trimming…never once attempting to scratch or bite…. “the look” after all kept he’s feelings known and me in place…and oh how I knew!..

The actual return on our cohabitation was far far greater than I could ever begin to comprehend or express come to that. …the bungalow would be still be cold and damp, although since Cinnies arrival it took on a whole new warmth, plus it felt more of, well home really…not so stark or unnaturally quiet, . With this My whole demeanour had changed also, Unknown to me, I had relaxed, no longer days spent alone, plus I had a whole new purpose for getting up and out of bed each morning, bad health, strongest pain flares or even awful nights before,.Cinnie without exception had to come first… Even before my beloved coffee, now that is devotion 😁. There was no doubting it, he altered my life for the better, I had dropped off a lot that self introspection, doubt …for anyone looking at these words thinking but hes just a rabbit…there’s no just …we became important to each others welfare, interwoven and essential…As the weeks went by I learnt Cinnies likes and dislikes more, like myself he hated the dark….how do I know…because he became anx ridden and thumped continually, until I turned on his night light, lol..he wouldn’t leave hes enclosures…becoming blighted by severe stomach issues those times I had forced the issue ….nearly losing him twice…so we didn’t attempt this again… The expensive Garden runs relegated to the dark depths of the shed where they became spider babies climbing frames, the few times he went outside, he sat trembling in his box until I relented and bought him back in…again he stopped eating, his tummy tighter than a drum and bloated, teeth grinding…here he consented to lay curled up into my side on my bed for warmth, I guess no one likes being alone when their ill..him included.

I never did know Cinnies true age, you see he had had three previous homes before mine, he’s last owner guessing he was roughly around maybe three.. And up until last Wednesday we had spent five years side by side day in day out, eight being old people’s age for mini lop rabbits😊…, Over the last week’s though I watched with some sadness, as my buddy began slowing down, he slept for longer periods now, far deeper too. The boxes he once loved to disassemble with nothing short of real relish, laying safe and in one piece…his bell ball silent, no more constant banging of either the runged ladder up to the second floor or the door I left open just in case a sudden spell of bravery hit and he wanted a turn about the livingroom. It never happened once but ohh how he loved to bang that door a dozen times a night just to test it, and me im sure… 😁,

For those of you still reading and insistent of believing Cinnie was just ten inches of fluffy lop rabbit…I besiege you to rethink, read on, maybe I can influence you just slightly…when I left my family home of 35 years, I left in a hurry without a thing to my name, I had my reasons…reasons I’ve been forced to keep to my self…and in truth im happier now with this, my truths are just that….mine!…but when I left my past came calling regular…it haunted both my days and nights, I felt hunted, not just fearful but terrified…living alone for my first time ever with these fears…days were long, cold and scary…nights filled with horrendous dreams endless….then Cinnie came …with this tiny demanding terror…came a bond, an unbreakable fusion of minds…both of us had seen traumas, so we got each other…I let him live life just how he wanted..he made his choices, as did i…he took the unbearable silence and filled it with warmth and sounds…he gave me purpose on my sickest days when life’s at its real toughest…we bonded over our years together…on Wednesday I knew it was time, I felt him leaving slowly, but leaving non the less, drifting away to who knows where but forever!!, Hopefully though journeys new…I pulled the curtains, shutting out the light, hushed the flat and waited at his side…as the clock on the wall softly ticked out the minutes, the time suddenly became harsh and glaring…each tick took him further from me…each movement slowed his little heart under my hand…in my head I keep up a constant chatter of nonsense to him not wanting him to be afraid…or alone…10:39 came a last twitch, a defiant kick, his favourite ball rattled away across the enclosure…and that was it, silence…. Again with that bloody silence, that crashes rudely into my space and it’s deafening…there’s no escape…..at first I don’t know what to do…I’m lost as it feels so unreal…..I touch him again and the reality finally kicks in…..

The worst of it was the anger, and feeling useless, my knee has been buckling under me for over a week now, I could barely walk across the room, the pain although intense was nothing like this sudden pain in the centre of my chest.. I needed bury Cinnie but how?…it was essential I made a fitting grave for my old pal…and here I am unable to bloody move..for the first time in years im angry…angry at my body once again letting me down…forcing me to let Cinnie down….I hobble out to flick the switch on the kettle, all the time aware of the tiny lifeless form laying still…the quiet is ripping at my insides, I hate it…I feel abandoned… Finally grabbing a spade from my shed, I use this overwhelming anger and resentment festering away inside me to dig a hole deep enough….as I lay Cinnie in the soft earth I can’t help but touch him one last time…I hate the earth is cold, I hate he’s going to be in the dark, because hes scared of the dark…I hate most of all the wrenching apart, the cut of separation….covering him up out of my sight is hell…this whole thing is hell….my pain for now forgotten replaced by worse… it’s intense and unrelenting….

it’s been five whole days …..tears spring forth suddenly as another pain grenade explodes without warning in my body…I’ve grown accustomed to its uncontrollable randomness…what I can’t grow accustomed to no matter how I try is this infernal endless silence, especially at night…nights are my downfall…see Cinnie like a the virulent miniature Doberman pincher stood guard all night, every night! He took he’s job seriously….thumping out a loud reverberating warning repelling any one who dared enter his abode …I’ve slept safe each night, secure in the knowledge he watched for dangers….And so the nightmares are back alongside my insecurities..

Cinnie was and never could be just a rabbit…a pet..a fluffball….he was a companion, my pal…I still hear the ghostly rattle of he’s water bottle countless times a day, Like some phantom limb syndrome…(where you still feel an amputated body part long after its loss)….I still feel Cinnie everywhere…I flood the house with sound, light in some faint hope of hushing the din of silence….it’s not possible…Each night one lone solar light stands vigil over Cinnies Grave …I was determined he wouldn’t be in the dark… Highly scented dianthus plants arrive later today, I just hope I don’t hear ghostly thumps of disapproval though….sleep tight Cinnamon bun see yah on the other side bud… Thank you for reading and sharing my grief folks, stay safe, stay well until next time 🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

It’s been over a week now and I’m still running on full recovery mode, switching over to Auto pilot at times when needed,(and it is) Existing mainly thanks to large doses of diluted caffeine(coffee), which is used for sloshing down pain meds. The cause of this latest drama? “The dreaded landlord’s inspection”. Yes it’s that time again, and there’s really no other way to put this, than I loathe it. I try to see it for what it is, nothing personal…but to this person it very much is, and feels all too personal.

I’m someone who isolates, insulates, (whatever we’re calling it now. At least 90% of my life is spent very much alone, with the Exception of course for Jesse on chat, which is constant (via Meet) A strange rabbit with early onset dementia, and a budgie with a filthy runaway mouth, It’s a crazy household, but for the most part my crazy household, One where I feel the need to bolt up the settlements, pull up the drawbridge, set loose the rabid killer pigoens, and repel all incoming borders with zealous…I know if I’m honest this isn’t healthy, mentally, I’ve struggled since childhood to blend in with humanity, which only grows more prominent the older I get..I’ve never been diagnosed, but I’m convinced alongside EDS, there’s every chance I’m on the low Autism spectrum,

Give me a field full of horses, room full of dogs and I am instantly in my element, relaxing beyond all recognition. Yet one lone human and I become a ball of shaking anxiety. One human in my home and it feels like imminent catastrophe…this is no exaggeration either, I would like to say im joking, but we know I’m not..and it is unfortunately far from funny. The moment I get that dreaded email fore warning an inspection..I feel the tension mount daily. Spiralling up inside my body like the bindweed, growing about me until it threatens to strangle me…I’ve tried everything to see it for what it is, a positive. a necessary evil.

What’s worse is I’ve really nothing to hide, my home is not only kept clean, (at the last inspection the guy went so far as to say “it’s immaculate as always”)and it is,. No wonder though as I rush about in a caffeine fuelled frenzy for weeks, cleaning everything in sight to operating theatre standard…if it’s stationary it’s coming under my exacting standards. Bleach cloth in hand at the ready.polish in the other… Why? Because this is the one solitary thing in my mind at least, I can control at the time…it’s a distraction, a need. I can’t control the thought patterns eating away at my mind., or my reaction to that pattern., So I use the flooding adrenaline coursing through my veins to good effect..helping this build up of excess energy on its way by endless cleaning.

The uncomfortable knowledge that my landlord has a set of keys and the law on his side to enter the property at any given time, is also little comfort either.,Since changing the locks goes against the tenancy agreement…it’s an impass I’m stuck in, Every six months the madness begins once again and only increases each time, Working up to what feels like some impending disaster, which is always survived, but exhausting non the less…

I have online friends who trying to be kind, supportive and reassuring, say quite rightly “well that’s that over again for now”. And of course yes putting it in perspective, yes of course it is.., They are correct..but inside for me the adrenaline goes on flooding long after, remaining tension effecting every organ and muscle, I find it near on impossible to come back down to earth, .. Even then there’s that constant feeling of invasion, I’m not sure if you remember or have read my back story, but when I was a kid I survived being attacked..I survived!, ….but having a man in the immediate vicinity, especially in my home where I feel trapped without means of escape, even after all these years, is still a terrifying prospect, whether its reality or no.. impacting my whole life…

I have worked hard on myself over years to combat much of this with some success, I was much worse in the past.. And up until relatively recently,. I can now at least leave my home, if I’m feeling brave even at night..it has taken 30 over years and was agonisingly slow in its progress, literally one small step at a time. I still hide much of the fallout from events of years ago behind a well worn mask…to most I appear confident, happy, enjoying my life…it’s an appearance I encourage, a lie if you like…because to me enough damage has already been done, I refuse to allow myself either of the well used labels “Victim”, or “survivor” because I’m neither…I’m just taking each day on its merits…both good and bad alike…

On the up side to these moments of crazy cleaning, the mishaps are daily…like after spending an hour on my hands and knees scrubbing my kitchen floor, three times no less, it gleamed in the early morning sunlight, I stood back in the doorway coffee in hand admiring all my hard work, a second load of washing finished, brilliant I thought now I can get that on the line before my knees give out …..grab the laundry basket, pull the clothes out…….and along with it came a whole load of tissue tinsel, it went over every piece of available floor space, even out into the small gap between rooms, with being so tired I must have forgotten to check my trouser pockets for tissues…

I sliced my finger and a blood fountain errupted up the wall and over the cream carpets, you can tell I’m a CSI fan from way back though, I’m dripping blood around the floor and what am I fascinated with…eww blood spatter pattern detection, sighs…Sage the budgie decided this is the week for a bad molt, feathers everywhere, how does he get them in my cupboards is what I want to know?.

Don’t ask about the meeting of the snow globe and my head, I’ve still a lump weeks later, not to mention a bedroom carpet im still hoovering glitter up from…. throughout all this madness though even I had a moment of sheer hilarity…one morning early as I’m about my routine, the front door bell rings, I can already see it’s the postman, and go to answer the door…He stands with a light grey plastic package in one hand, looking more than a little bemused…He asks my name…which is unusual as his my regular postman…but I go along with it, tell him ….he looks at the address label, looks at me, back at the label…so you names Theresa …….., “Erm yes I think so I reply” he lifts his cap, scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders hands me the package and leaves…I think nothing of it at the time and get back to what I was doing…leaving the package on the sofa for later…..

Much later!….

So sometime after lunch, I remember finally about the package laying dejected upon the sofa….I retrieve it and turn it over in my hands trying to guess what I had sent for…it’s always Christmas here I never remember what I order…as I turn it over, there written in huge black letters on one side are the words Odd Balls, below is written doing our bit towards testicular cancer…..😁, I remember at once of course palm slap….I ordered more woman’s shorts undies, they’re lush, soft and the brightest garish design and colours….yeah I know what if I have an accident or taken ill😁, but least they will be clean….😁Anyhow it’s then I relive the odd looks from my postie….of course the poor man knows I live alone, and there I am getting Odd Ball pants delivered,….oh well least in his eyes things are never dull 😁😁😁😁😁. Well that’s enough from me I’m away to swing me pants…Take care of yourselves folks and look after you 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜x

January 1st 2024

Long after the last firework muted off into the distance, once again another year begun, much the same as it’s predecessor, all noise for 30 seconds, quiet and understated, only difference between this year and those now a dim and distant memory, was I had joined the throngs of thousands, all of us making this our year of big changes, (new years resolutions) I knew many of our number would infact fall by the wayside even before the clock struck 12:30, But with teeth gritted, my loins girded, i was filled with a brand new determination, I had built myself this image, a picture of what it was I aimed to achieve and achieve It i would.

So what was the ambitious new project, Goal, Now that is a Good and legitimate question?, not one I really needed to ask of myself though?, because I already knew the answer ..I had always known, But this year it would happen, by hook or by crook I would drag this thing into fruition,. What I needed most folks was to work on me, the whole of me. from the inside out, I grew so tired of my weight issues, My stagnant pond weed covered lifestyle, it’s almost as if everything had ground to a halt, full stop, a nothingness!., as if I’m sitting on the sidelines waiting and watching while everyone scores that truly great home run., Here I sit, a champion procrastinator, growing ever more tired of being tired, trying to protect my loved ones from my constant daily battle with illness…. I had established long ago that this is totally and utterly down to me, There will be no magic pills, potions, surgery or wizardry,. All the help I receive will have to come from within me.. I have to pull up my colourful heart covered compression socks and get my full weight behind this here venture(please excuse the pun, but it was intended😊).

To look at, (please don’t though, hides behind nearest object, poop it’s the clothes horse😊). , but I’m plump, curvy, overweight and all those other polite, yet somehow still deadly comments banded about so trivially by the well meaning.. , So ok let’s call it as it really is, (Whispers in a soft voice,) I am infact clinically obese, there Ive finally said it, it’s out there folks….Jeez how I hate that sodding word though. But it’s the truth, I’ve always had weight problems, since the tender age of sixteen… it wasn’t quite as obvious as it is now, i would go so far in fact to snog a politician, while being stone cold sober 😁,if I could just go back in time and resume being a little curvy!..I would even go on an elevator blindfold(a very real phobia of mine) for a day just to drop a few dress sizes, would even wear the dress, arghhhh!!!, Oh hell no, step too far😊 but such is my desperation. Folks for as long as I can remember weight followed me about like an overstuffed luminous blimp, Screaming look look fat bird, lard ass, wide load,eclipse of the sun in full progress…..Ive tried out manoeuvring it but the bugger always finds me…

And before you look at the screen disgusted, let’s share a few facts, despite the weight issues I’ve not eaten one take out meal in the last 18 months, I physically cannot bring myself to eat anything fried, for both health reasons, and I simply loathe it😊, ..What’s more I used to adore a piece of cake at one time, but even this is so far back now, I fail to remember the last time,(sad innit). Sweets yes I love a kitkat, Galaxy, Revels, but only rarely indulge, maybe Christmas 😊,. Food despite my loving it, the aroma of cooking, the taste and textures I can in fact surprisingly take it or leave it, and leave It do more often than not..

Most days if I’m lucky I will eat once daily, I’m unsure why or when this began, I think it’s always been that way actually, to the point if I’m occupied I forget to eat, I rarely feel any hunger, in fact it’s not until around 6/7pm of an evening when I settle down, that i even start to feel any ill effects of this fasting, Normally breaking out in a slight cold sweat, feeling a bit shaky, but even this I can and often do ignore probably to the detriment of my health,. As long as I’ve a bottle of water to hand or my beloved coffee😊, I find food just a vehicle,fuel to get me through to that next day…

So now I see you all pointing at the screen full of accusation…yeah I see yah, ….So when you do eat I bet it’s a massive meal right?!!!!, Nope you would be mistaken..my dinners these days mainly consist of a portion of meat, (Chicken, Turkey, fish or of course a vegetarian option, then a pile of vegetables, lots of lentils, pulses..rarely potatoes im not overly fond, even less likely carbs,. Everything is cooked from scratch at home, no thick cream laden sauces or gravy for me please😊…just tasty home made wholesome food, . I think if we break it down, I can maybe manage roughly around 1000/1,500 calories a day…

So you see food has always been an issue for me, (just not how you imagine on seeing me though, (my size)… Surprisingly it’s eating it….

Unkindly I’ve had so many comments over the years from people at the supermarket, thinking their entitled to comment about my weight or my imagined out of control gluttony, As if those with weight issues are somehow deaf, or too engrossed in their next meal fix to comprehend their insults, Salad dodger has always being a favourite of many (sighs of the lack of imagination!), Another time a Gentleman(I say this out of politeness only) pointed a finger at me quite directly in an Essex Aldi, while turning to look at his very young son, remarking with free flying spital taking to the air, “And that(same finger directed at my face) is why we don’t allow you sweets, look at her and take heed”, . Too hurt and somewhat shocked by his remarks, I remained silent., But inside rage and shame filled me, eating away at my very core, I longed to scream out at the injustice, state my truths, That I hadn’t in fact, eaten anything in nearly 24 hours, like most days unlike with his cans of sugar laden red bull in hand., Others become transfixed with anything Ive placed in my shopping cart, sneering, looking down their dear little noses, …When I do finally manage to find some words to speak up, plead my case, it’s to fall on deaf ears, for they have their evidence right there,. made their judgement!!!, I’m guilty as charged, My outward appearance alreading leaving them in no doubt…Doctors have been no better laughing in my face, family members with words of wisdom, If you do only eat once daily then you would be built like Twiggy Treez(a 70s model children), the fact is I’m not though, I’m over weight for my height..and this has been my lifelong battle, even to the point, I have been refused life saving surgery by one specialist back some 12 years ago now, his reasons were because despite living on a diet of one can of soup and six plain rice cakes daily for six weeks, I hadn’t lost a solitary lb, The doctor called me a bare faced liar that day!, He went so far as to say it was impossible for anyone to not lose weight following that diet, …ok impossible, improbable as these statistics seem, it happened to be the truth, …the surgery would have been to remove my Gall bladder..which the same Doctor still smiling, enjoyed punishing me further by telling me in great detail what was likely my outcome was…It could burst at anytime, Spreading toxins throughout my bloodstream, Any chance of survival?, remote at best. I’ve been left in agony ever since….sent away feeling the lowest of the low, unworthy and detesting my body still further. Any one suffering from Gallstones, will tell you, not only do you have to be careful of everything you eat, the pain is excruciating, there’s no real pain relief to alleviate it either….

It’s funny I remember my mother once telling me that as a infant, she had convinced herself i wouldn’t survive, because rather than eat, sleeping the day away was preferable for moi😊, This does make me wonder though if even back then I felt any hunger, I rarely cried apparently unlike my siblings. …I do however know belonging to an EDS(Ehlers Danlos syndrome) forum, That many of us lack sensation in parts of our bodies, hunger being one of these…So whats going to be the outcome for me, how can I effectively lose weight then?. Well I’m desperate now and taking a risk, a punt, and the odds are not in my favour, because dieting only increases the odds of more issues with my Gall bladder . But as I said in the very beginning of this, I’ve had enough, The extra weight adds to the already existing joint pain, it’s not helping the lymphedema I have either and other health conditions…So now my options are limited to zero really, I can stay the way I am, hoping that my health holds out or I can cut my food intake once again, eating only fresh food, no preservatives or additives, no sugar, honey, little in the way of carbs,

Surprisingly living a healthy lifestyle, is not easy or cheap either, but with choices running out, and NHS doctors unwilling to investigate putting it mainly down to laziness on my part, I’m going to do what’s needed, Since the 1st of Jan, I’ve lost roughly 3 stone, 42lb,. Living on such few calories, I do worry for my health but there is few other options left open for me, it’s not sustainable long term I know this, but I’m hoping with some weight off, I can become more active, after which I can increase my food intake a little once more…maybe actually eat, while eating healthy to maintain my weight,. I will of course keep you posted on my progress, Goodbye for now folks and whatever your doing out there this weekend enjoy and stay safe …❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤