Sunday afternoon was being it’s usual sleepy slow self, nothing much occurs in this tiny languorous Cul de sac, basking in the late afternoon August sunshine, the only sounds to be heard were the distant tune of a far off ice cream van and the pigeons splashing boisterously about in their freshly filled bird bath….I lay reading in my cool shady back bedroom away from the heat, A soft breeze flicking the yellow rose curtains at the open window, I have grown quite accustomed to this new found stillness, infact so much so I jumped physically when my phone let out an unwelcome ping to shatter the silence… It was however as it turned out to be a nice surprise, My friend Debbie checking in on me, making sure I still drew breath, its Good to know that other than Sage and the pigeons my demise would be noticed, before I vanished totally off this mortal coil for good😁, She preceded to ask whether I would like to go out for one of our coffee and cake outting in the week, This of course is a more rhetorical question really, because cake refusal can only ever mean but one thing regarding me!!!!, I’ve got some diabolical deadly sickness, like a Tsetse fly bit me in the night and I’ve developed some huge glowing red appendage smack in the middle of my forehead, Maybe I’ve contracted Bubonic plague, Barbados flu, Gangrene, Distemper, hardpad or all of the above….😊

There be people out there!!!!

We back and forth with suitable days, before settling finally on that coming Thursday morning, I always look forward to these small adventures deep down once I’ve moaned about it of course, but then I am British😊….it’s just the actual getting myself ready part that I find hardest, not that I’ve a large extensive wardrobe to go through, nor am I the Imelda Marcos of the shoe world…it’s just I have to shower, find something halfway decent enough to be seen out in public kind of thing….oh well the allure of cake proves powerful enough of an incentive, of course Debbies well aware of this 😊, don’t you just love cake? Even the word is scrumptious 😁😁 sighs!!! it’s my one true weakness,

Thursday morning arrives….

I wake up early mainly because I loathe rushing about readying myself, I achieved it without too much of a kerfuffle, . Once ive located the house keys, I open my front door ready for Debbie,s imminent arrival, this buys me a few minutes in which to shuffle about doing anything last minute…As I mentally go over that last minute to do list…A small soft voice from out of nowhere calls yoohoo hello!!!!!, I look about the room, Sage my noble Budgie sidekick is a brilliant talker, but this is a feminine voice, clear in pitch without Sages usual vocals….only leaves my plants and I know I converse with them daily, but if they’ve started to say hello or good morning in reply this is surely cause for concern right?..Maybe I’m just getting better at talking to myself!😊😊😊😊😊, but no, there it is again! …what the actual baby cheeses is occurring!!!!!?😁

An unfamiliar face suddenly appears at my front door, like an apparation, …unsure who this stranger is im at first a little perturbed, after the initial shock i remember my manners, returning the hello as I walk toward the open front door, A lady is stood there, her large taupe handbag slung over one arm, her hand clenched fistlike as if to form a barrier from it slide off, .On looking at the face before me I find it warm, a cheerfulness I find of interest… Slightly lined, but the lines are soft, cheeks smooth, dark brown eyes meet mine and at once crinkle at the corners,. A beautiful smile plays across this new face, She introduced herself before slightly turning to her left, she puts a hand out to include her silent friend I hadn’t until then noticed…Both ladies are immaculately dressed, in that Sunday best,off to church type apparel…Its only then it dawns on me, too late of course !!!!! They are infact Jehovah’s witnesses, now I’ve nothing against them, but they do like to talk at me,….My face being the proverbial open book shows everything… I am though immediately sorry, for they have their job to do and I can at least remain friendly….Manners maketh the personage and all that…😁

The first lady looks back to me before starting up a conversation I hadn’t expected at all… Her focus is on the array of odd sized tubs and pots I keep under my sitting room window…She said “I was telling my friend here I thought I had spotted some Swiss Chard growing in amongst your flowers”…, I can’t help but smile now as I’m justly proud of the brightly coloured stalks of the what is in fact rainbow Chard,. Their deep green broad leaves poking up betwixt the crimson flowers of my favourite geraniums, Orange, yellow and deep red stalks contrasting wonderfully, …I take time out then, to show off the dark purple flowers of my runner beans, who have somehow managed to wrap themselves about lone sunflower, tall waving pale green leaves of celery plants sharing planters with delicate ballerina type fuchsia flowers, Chives, basil, mint and parsley neighbouring showy bright pink flowering Pelagonia, self set strawberries cropping up Willy nilly where ever and whenever they choose😁, Orange, yellow, and red tomatoes clashing violently with their sweet clove scented Carnations pot mates… The ladies at once remark how unusual it is for vegetables to be grown along with flowers, I in truth had never thought about it, I do it because space is somewhat limited, roughly about 8ft by 2ft…where I keep my half a dozen pots…it works wonderfully, the strong scented leaves of Geranium protecting the chard and herbs…it also looks pretty darn good, and I for one like it😁, it appeals to my sense of disorganised organisation…it does also to my new acquaintances, although she was still a little amused if I’m honest 😁….

About five minutes later Debbie arrived, she’s already spotted the Jehovah ladies straight off the bat, no fooling Debbie… And instead of a lighting the car as per usual she sits firmly trying to hide in plain sight, for we all know that people sat in cars have an invisibility cloak built in, and are almost always unseen to the naked eye, hence the amount of nose mining you see while people drive alone….I raise a hand across to note I’ve spotted her, she’s firmly ensconced in the drivers seat either pretending to check her phone or she’s about to ring me giving me the option to extricate myself from the ladies… But it’s not needed Debbie,s spotted by the dear ladies who at once take their leave, merrily waving to me as they walk away, still talk of my strange approach to mixed gardening can be heard….. It was an odd sort of day, I had maybe converted them, not the other way around😁.

I grab my keys from the door, pick up my phones and bag, check the door is indeed locked for the tenth time, then We are soon making our way to find the nearest available watering hole and that all important cake supply… We pass through several quaint villages in our pursuit of all things cake…As long as I’ve lived here I never tire of looking at the creamy yellow Yorkstone cottage exteriors, the pretty garden borders or the fern covered garden walls, it’s like time has halted, capturing these scenes for all time, My mind often plays tricks, at these moments, I expect to see a ladies in Victorian attire climb into a waiting carriages, or gossiping with others on street corners…but alas there’s none.

Finally we come to our destination, it’s the Quaintest little tea room, all bay windows, bunting and hanging baskets,…a typical example of British tea rooms everywhere.. it maybe early yet, but already a healthy throng is gathering outside the open door….I’m immediately somewhat anxious that we wont be able to find a table or at least someplace to sit….but I need not of worried for just inside the garden gates, there’s the perfect spot at a white round wrought iron table for two….it’s a little rickety but serviceable all the same, I plonk myself down upon the nearest seat, Poor Debbie has drawn the short straw and braves an ever growing queue, As I wait Im taking in the surroundings, it’s placed directly next to a pretty little ford…an ancient arched bridge spans the waterway,it’s terracotta brickwork peppered with dew laden mosses ,ferns and dandelions, ..I note straight off for a tiny village cafe it’s kept exceptionally busy….

My favourite past time of people watching begins in earnest as I wait, it seems like a wonderful meeting place for local friends and families, dogs were also welcome, many still covered in water droplets from that impromptu swim in the fast running shallow waterway…pink tongues loll, grinning happy faces as panting dogs dart to greet anyone within their path, no one minds either…there’s dogs of all breeds and size, all off lead, playing and sniffing around the tables, it dawns on me, these too must be old friends as not one scuffle breaks out the whole time I’m there….I put my hand out to caress the silky smooth coat, of a amber eyed liver and white Spaniel…it turns wiggling its whole body with enthusiasm, brushing its wet coat against my legs, Tillys owner calls her away, apologising profusely, I put my hand up and smile to let her know it’s fine, in fact it’s more than fine…but too late an obedient Tilly has long gone….

Even though there’s no where near enough tables to cater for the ever increasing numbers, most are happy to perch somewhat precariously upon the narrow stone wall, backs to the water..this puts me ill at ease straight off, as edges, heights are still an existing phobia of mine, I try not to look, but of course, this is never going to work as my eyes are repeatedly drawn back, almost magnetically to the very spot..I can feel my anxiety levels build as people walk close to those sat on the wall(my imagination kicks into overdrive, I’ve already got these poor folk pushed into the water screaming and drowning in the far to shallow depths to drown an ant😊, all by evil passers by I just know it!!!!!) …shaking the unwelcome vision from my head, i pick up my phone, distracting myself with taking pictures of the protruding wall ferns, I identified at least three of wonderfully named plants as Harts tongue, Wall rue and Maidenhair spleenwort😊, all growing very healthily in between the bricks mortar…by the time that’s losing its allure, Debbies back carrying a heavily laden tray of goodies….

Cake……

My eyes are locked onto the delicate China tea plates, both of which have a huge slice of the lightest sponge cake in creation, I can tell before Debbies lifted it from the flower covered tray I’m going to love it…As a connoisseur of all things cake I can hardly wait to taste it’s deliciousness, I look at the tiny tiny silver cake fork, I’m already aware this will be a trial of cake etiquette, I’m longing to pick up my slice of heaven,and devour this glorious moist homage to lemon and blueberry cake, the whole world over, but I dont, I’m good, I pick up the doll sized fork and delicately pop ladylike sized portions into my mouth….but it’s worth everything, I’m in rapture, I’m sure Debbies talking someplace off in the distance, people still pass by in a blur, the world still turns…but I’m lost, seduced by a rich creamy lemon butter cream icing, the sugary confection has it’s way with me, before gate crashing rudely into my euphoria….it’s been weeks since I had sugar of any kind, most likely months actually!…so the effect is swift,….combine this with the strong caffeine packed coffee and I’m on one loaded high baby, the walls are climbed,…..I no longer care about the folks sat on the wall, or the edges, I hear nothing, see little else other than the fast vanishing cake….I look across to Debbies plate, wondering if I could get away with grabbing her slice before she eats it….too late alas, Debbie equally loves cake…and there’s just a few remaining crumbs to say it even ever existed…. damn!!!!!….. What ever your doing this week folks, enjoy your cake….I mean yourselves and take care of you ❤🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🌺

As you know from my last missive, pain is a huge factor in my daily life, although I am without doubt the most stubborn baggage, never giving into woe or malaise for than a minute, (roughly around the half an hour mark before the mischievous mind monkeys spur me into some kind of action, they lead me astray terribly,doesn’t take much😊… Last week it was up doing a rather large cumbersome neglected, chest of drawers, I had little clue what I was actually doing or trying to achieve even, but I bought them on a whim.. despite this lack of training in all things woodworking wizardry, the finished result pleased me greatly and well worth putting myself through things a more sensible person wouldn’t have done…but I have infact never once claimed to be sensible, (thank goodness😊. This week however as well as a pretty piece of now dark stained, wood varnished furniture, complete with sunflower knobs ohhhh errr mrs😁, Bedecked in butter yellow organza ribbon…. I ache everywhere and there’s a tiredness im struggling to compete with, I fight it in the mornings and complete what I can before the caffeine effect where’s off and it takes over, I give in slifhtly but never completely😊. That’s just not me🙄😊😊😊😊.

The book reader…

Last year I read over a hundred books, before closing the covers on that very last upon the 31st of January, it took me down some twisty turny pathways, Some of the books were without doubt the most captivating reading I have ever had the pleasure to come across, One of these being “The Book list by Nisha Adams”, which as the name suggests encourages you to read books from the author’s list, while doing so you become immersed into the characters lives and stories, it was an emotional read and I was left wanting more at the last page…, the first book on the list happened to be without doubt the most memorable for me .. The Kite Runner by Khalid Hosseini, I was told by many this would prove a challenge, it dealt with many of humanities failings, but for the most although it covers some difficult things to come to terms with, its also a stunning read, so descriptive, colourful and vibrant… For a short while I lived in Afghanistan among her people, alongside Amir the main character inbetween those pages, felt the heat, the scent of baked earth while sat under the shade of the old pomegranate tree in the late afternoons, The author weaving magic with word, for me to form my own pictures, once again I was left hungry for more, so I followed on from this with A thousand splendid suns again by Khalid Hosseini, both books thoughtfully written and the rarest Gems ….

Since last year though I have struggled to find reading material, most books for woman, (thats written with us in mind), follow a similar if not the very much the same Genre…Girl meets boy, they loathe one another from the start, neither have any money until the girl gets left untold wealth by great aunt Delilah twice removed who she’s never met before, let alone heard of until this point…this means they can finally fall hopelessly madly in love,(oh please!!) buy that huge mansion house in the sunny climes of Outter Essex, before riding off into the sunset on his Camel Harold!!…in reality what’s the chances of this happening, I crave reality, strong remarkable characters…Again I’m sorry but after reading about Airy Fairy stories since childhood, I want something with more substance, something that feeds my over imagination😊, gives me that basic road map then allows my natural GPS to lose myself between the pages, I want surprising, alluring, seducing ever onward….And these Chic lit comics leave me cold and unsatisfied… It’s like eating a large take away full of MSGs, its maybe ok at the time but in half hour I’m back hungry, 😊, it bores me with its tedium, there’s nothing to set my pulse racing or my mind into full overdrive….

While still in recovery mode on Monday from the escapades of recycling, upcycling or whatever that is my drawers…(no euphemism intended) ok maybe a little😁, I chanced upon another good book quite by accident..I was actually looking for pumpkin spice coffee syrups believe it or not as you do!😁,…Once in a while though “the Zon”(Amazon) come along with a jewel of a reading suggestion.,some real rubbish too, but there was something about the title that drew me in from the beginning…”The book keepers daughter” by Kim Michele Richardson…a fabulous read from the first to last page, it takes you into the wilds of Eastern Kentucky, weaving historical fact amongst fiction…I loved her main character, Honey , despite life’s cruelty shes firey, brave showing extraordinary courage in one so young, especially in the face of adversity…she was just 15 when both her parents are cruelly ripped away and thrown into prison…even with this you can’t help but admire her as the story unfolds…

Honey is left in the loving charge of an elderly neighbour Retta, who at 92 is still spry and spicy…she’s known Honey since birth, often minding her while her parents worked…Honeys mother Cussy, at one point had the very respectable job of Book woman…(travelling librarian) across parts of Kentucky some being extremely remote and difficult to access via road, it became the local book woman’s job to transport books on horseback to outback farms and cabins, it was a reliable job bringing word and much needed literature to those cut off from others …Set in the early fifties most didn’t have a telephone let alone a Television…reading was their only form of entertainment.

A name is mentioned throughout the story “The Fugates”, ..a family of folk living with an extremely rare blood disorder called Methemoglobinemia, they thrive and are healthy in every respect, it’s just their blood colour, its not being the same as yours and mine …Theirs being more of a brown colour, this ironically give their pigment, skin tone a blue tint…On reading this I found myself with the urge to Google for more information about the name Fugate..and sure enough to my surprise there it was in black and white, alongside many facts about Methemoglobinemia, it existed, Coming over originally with the founder of the Fugate family, one fifteen year old orphan boy called Martin…this clever author weaves us a story about the life of the bookwoman and her family which although is fictitious, it’s filled also with historical facts, you learn about the remote Appalachian trails, it’s people…this book fills you full of frustration, wonder and colour…feeding the mind along the way ….

I read this captivating book in a record breaking day, yup that’s quick even for me, I confess I just could not move away from it, I needed to know how Honeys life would unveil, not only hers, but characters like moonshine distiller Devil John, who despite his law breaking was a lovable rogue., Fire watcher Pearl up in her lofty home tower above the tree canopy, this writer with her extraordinary blend of fact and fiction stole a complete day away with her talent and I didn’t begrudge one second….I followed this book by one of the books mentioned the Awakening by Kate Chopin which I enjoyed immensely, since these I have blitzed through uncle Tom’s cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe, and following this on with Anne of Green Gables just for some diversity….reading as a child bought me adventure, escapism, joy….I guess that part of me still exists…I need that escapism as much today as I did back then….what ever your doing folks make sure you take time out for you…slip off your shoes, make a cuppa, open a window and let the air play upon your skin, breathe and just be….your worth it!!!!!!, Take care of you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🌺

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Costochondritis, no it’s not a curse word, and please I would prefer it not to have to pronounce that or spell it again🙄😊, Why is it these type of things have ridiculously long Latin names to begin with,? it takes me all day to remember the spelling, let alone the correct way to pronounce it…… imagine this Your sat in an awful pain flare, then Picture trying to discuss this with your doctor or others in the medical profession, Saying the very word takes you half a day to get it said….😊, Where do you start?, There their sat in their comfy chair in the meantime beside themselves with hysteria at your poor miss pronunciation, trying hard to hide behind a hand or computer screen, wondering do they dare have the audacity to ask you to repeat it again?🙄😊😊😊😊…..I digress, this thing happens every once in a while for me…it’s nothing nice, movement limiting, and more to the point exceptionally painful and I just don’t wanna do it!!!!!, so what is it? Oh my giddy knickers, here goes…Costochondritis is the medical term for inflammation of the Cartilage which not only joins your ribs to breast bone or sternum, (as you know cartilage is a spongy buffer like connective tissue, sort of shock absorbers, cushioning our joints, ….This latest flare began late Sunday afternoon,.. I had dropped off to sleep amidst reading my latest book (Uncle Toms cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe) … On waking up roughly half an hour later I felt stiff and sore, a puddle of drool, attractively making its way down my chin before pooling upon a now very wet pillowcase, I felt the pain in the centre of my chest almost immediately,.. All I knew was it hadn’t been present before falling asleep…

First thought coming to mind, in my sleep induced state was, please not another Angina attack, As my weary brain gradually slipped back into fully function mode, I noted it would feel worse if I tried to move in certain positions,, this was somewhat comforting …..It had still been years since my last Costowotsit flare and I couldn’t make out what I had done to induce this latest…that recollection would come later🙄, what I did know standing, sitting, laying well just about anything bought about pain…immense pain…Even breathing, call me daft but I am rather fond of breathing for some reason…I lay on my side shifting positions until I found one that allowed for the least amount of hurting,…. That’s how I stopped for most of that afternoon and evening, I cursed under my breathe at the slightest movement, Even more so for the over indulgence of two large coffees I had partaken of only that morning, followed swiftly by two ginger teas, because right now I had other problems… And I was going to have to face it sooner rather than later…In fact somewhat urgently!

Part of me could not wait for 10pm to come around, why?, Simply put, 10pm is the time I can take two of the precious pain killers I ration strictly for myself…I have always been able to do this pain thing throughout the days, it’s part of the daily routine, shower, coffee, make up, chores….oh and pain!!!!, I do it well , some would say a little too well if anything!, But at night when my overly active mind, runs riot, and sleep is something mainly done by others, it’s for some reason harder to tolerate…I guess it’s those long silent lonely hours, without anything to occupy ones self with, I feel I should lay still until sleep eventually catches up with me..A clock upon the wall just behind me, ticks out loudly it’s measurement of time, every hour on the hour it sounds out another failure to commit to sleep, the hourly bird song mocking me., It would seem to me going through increased pain in amongst this really isn’t that appealing.. But right at this time it’s only 5pm, thats five whole long more hours, a long time when hurting is your only bedfellow..I know I can do it, but I move my position ever so gingerly, there another sharp pain comes suddenly, catching me through the chest before coming out into my back…it’s almost like the front of my chest is trying to tangle up with my spine, pressure builds, now if I could just move a certain way to unlock it, that pressure would release maybe?…but I know all to well it wont…and I cant…

The worst part is being forced to be immobile for immeasurable lengths of time, I despise laying still, but choice isn’t mine right now so I go back to trying to concentrate on my book,…Over the next for days either the intensity of pain eases to discomfort or I’ve grown accustomed now, Costochondritis I find is a wonderful gift with endless giving, for example take lifting up the kettle….instead of taking one arm ….now I have to use both, in some strained joint effort, in fact I have to swing my whole body into a strange almost mechanical momentum in order to achieve something I and most of us think little of usually…even so I cannot escap that sudden central sharp pain…but finally achieve an inch of water in my kettle..I will by hook or by crook have my morning coffee today…I add a large spoonful of Manuka honey into my cup, in some vain hope it’s antibiotic properties will fight off the fast becoming infected swollen tissue in the central region of my chest, doing anything made rivulets of sweat trickle down my spine, i burn up with a low grade fever…but coffee will help this surely…it normally cures all…or makes it more doable at least, I love the restorative power of caffeine😊…..

The following four days are harsh, I dislike immensely not being able to care for myself,( I’m super independent), I avoid clambering into the bath to shower, making do with washing twice daily instead, the waters cool and feels wonderful upon my burning skin…doing anything has become increasingly difficult, because I’m by now shallow breathing, every thing takes more effort, it leaves me frustrated more than worried, because I cannot follow my normal routine and to someone who lives a solitary existence, routine is everything…I dislike greatly how disorganised my usually tidy little homes becoming, in a fit of pique im almost tempted to research local cleaners….I say almost because without even googling the matter, I know me, for I know already without a shadow of a doubt, I would attempt to clean before the cleaner got here, then there’s no way on mother nature’s green earth I could sit by watching someone else clean my house… it feels unnatural, out of balance..I know I would berate myself massively when they left, feeling idol and lazy…so I try not to let the disorder taunt me…I don’t do well at this, my anxiety levels peek along with a visit from the screaming blacks(depression)…

Laying alone in the night as the silence slowly engulfs me I feel the darkness bare down upon me, in its momentum it gathers up pace, I feel it sinking first in the darker corners, about my head before it’s cloying weight covers over me trying to submerge me, drown me…I’m a fighter of old, I lay silent allowing it to do its worst, although tired I’m also angry at its audacity to bait me…I sigh shut my eyes and say aloud to no one in particular bring it on buddy!!!!Because I feel I know it well enough to call it that by now…nightmares torment, the fevers soak my sheets and skin, but the pain meds dull the central ache enough for sleep to finally claim me…I don’t argue!….

Thursday…

It’s either day four or five now, my minds way too distracted to do the math, and quite frankly I care not enough to bother…but though the pains dissipated somewhat it’s still there in the background…the fever also, I’m doing whats necessary about the house, it’s not my exacting standard but it is what is and I’m not doing the best job at telling myself to relax, it can wait…I’m a terrible nag…even to myself😊. This mix of EDS, (Ehlers Danlos syndrome) and OCD isn’t a winning combination, it’s another night time torment screaming into the early hours.

I’m not sure how others cope with that raging nagging voice deep from within, goading it’s unwilling victim into action, but I find it almost impossible to silence it, regardless of the further damage I do to myself as I push my pained body ever onward passed it boundaries, I’m harder on myself than I would be anyone I know, I spur myself into action with words like stop being lazy don’t be bone idol, those are only the ones I can write here for fear of causing offence….It’s even more unhelpful that our former prime minister’s words fill the media daily with the vile unhelpful words, Those on sickness benefits are idol, our days spent languishing on disability benefits….those of us genuinely disabled(whether mentally/ physically or both) do not need to carry another heavy burden alongside our Ill health, we are already filled with self loathing for the bodies that enable these failings, …far from languishing, (oh how I wish I could bloody languish), this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life…I’m torn by that innate sense of self preservation, working at coasting my body through yet another day, month or year, or giving into it one or all of its various afflictions…it’s a much hidden dilemma the sick face daily….Dont get me started on the need to dodge the bullets of guilt that explode suddenly from out of nowhere when least expected, like watching your neighbours and families work….

I too worked for as long as was possible, and would do anything to join the work force once more, for now though I’m left without choice as I face criticism for doing what everyone of us does naturally daily survives…enough from me today folks, take care of you and enjoy the coming weekend…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌺

It has been roughly fourteen years now if I recall correctly, since I last sat upon the floor in your living room arranging flowers in a heavy lead Crystal glass vase, light flooding in through the large white framed window, making air glitter of floating miniscule dust motes, Curtains pulled back to allow full view of birds flocking down to the table for food upon the lawn. Steam swirling upward from coffee cups just freshly filled.. The light behind you as you sat in your favourite chair, the self same brown leather recliner you had hated just months previous,now loved, your face blurred by sunlight…but I knew you were smiling all the same.

Thursday

Today is Thursday mum, do remember going shopping every Thursday morning?, of Course you do, The once weekly outing you disliked immensely, but tolerated somehow because it meant spending time with your sisters, getting out the house, plus seeing the outside world even momentarily, You would arrive back totally drained of energy, trying hard to hide the pain written on your face none the less, but I always felt it, You never once complained, but I heard it regardless… Well I’ve decided to adopt Thursday’s for going out whether consciously or not… Just like you I loath that whole getting ready process, Somehow its the worse part, for whatever reason, but as I get dressed I hear your voice clearly in my ear, ” I’m worn out before I go Theresa”, now I both know and appreciate what it took for you to join the real world even fleetingly… I too have to force this leaving the safe confines of my nest, face up to the outdoor world beyond my front door..as much as it tires me, I recognise that ive fallen out of step with my fellow human beings, their noise hurting my ears, the pace a tad too fast and all at once im longing for home even well before I’ve even left….but the cabs booked, in fact has been since Tuesday, making choice now redundant, I had finally got round to packing up some parcels for friends and that of course involves a trip to the dreaded post office…

My clothes were put out ready the night before, all I really have to do is shower, dress and do those last minute checks, keys, phones, power pack, wallet, bank card, I repeat my check list over and over in my head, admonishing myself as I go…I know everything’s ready, I’m ready, but still I can’t refrain from going over it once more “to be safe”….(I still don’t feel safe). It’s 9:45am, the cabs due outside by 10….and even though I know I’m going to receive a text any minute saying it’s en route.. When the awaited ping!!! happens on my phone, my caffeine/ adrenalin fuelled body reacts immediately ..I startle, my heart pumps that beat quicker…the cabs on its way…no turning back now Treez! This involves another checking ritual…..

I was as most know severely Agoraphbic at one point in my life, and I’m consciously aware that I could all too easily slide back into its clutches, that safe deep cavern it’s hard to climb out of, this is me fighting back believe it or not!….fighting yet another battle, when theres others that need my attention and I’m unsure which way to turn..where do i concentrate my limited energy ?…I wing it as always…if at first you don’t know which way to go then put on a brave face to the world and pretend until you do..it’s an act I’ve perfected…I smile constantly, knowing inside there’s a whole different me, (a child like me and she’s feeling trapped)…I try hard to appease her with offered up pointless platitudes…it won’t be long, we,’ll soon be back home to our nest of soft fleece blankets, cooling fans, and semi darkness….(the light outside is harsh to an already over stimulated brain, the noise is overwhelming physically hurting my ears…there’s that smile again, more like partially clenched teeth I’m sure, but i,’ll take it😁, As I slip into the air conditioned, cream leather interior of the waiting taxi and greet Adam my driver, the Theresa show begins in earnest…

I chatter nervously on what is to be only a very short journey, looking out of the window at the pretty bordered gardens in full bloom, with their immaculate manicured lawns, distraction is a great thing my friends, I know my mother did exactly this…(she once told me)…I used to love a car ride, now it’s just a vehicle to carry me away from my home….the phone loses connection with Jesse which as we know sets off a whole other chain of events for me, I ring him back and am instantaneously relieved with an answer, we pull up outside of the tiny family run sub post office, as I leave the cab behind I’m gratified to see the post office for once is empty..I am their only customer thank goodness, this should be a breeze right?…..No because the lovely wee man behind the desk informs me he’s new on the job, his first day, he hasn’t done parcels..especially airmail….arghhhhhhhhhhhh! A voice let’s rip like an unwelcome sudden explosion in my head… after just a few minutes, I find myself fighting with the urge to run!!! escape!!!!, Let’s go!!, It seems he wasn’t joking with the being inexperienced….just don’t ask, no please dont!…but I’m patient despite the fresh adrenalin surges washing over me, I look behind me constantly, one eye glued upon the automated doors at all times …after repeating the spelling of Jesse’s address four or five more times, my address, phone number, post code …knicker size I feel we should add him to our Christmas card list, it’s not his fault I appreciate that so wait quietly….when I look behind me again there’s an impatient queue glaring at me…eyes burning deeply into the back of my skull, ..I’m almost to scared to get out my other two packages from my bag..but I’m here and we are going to do this!!!!! I hear them begin to groan…and I shrivel up inside….I find myself apologising profusely, for what I still don’t know? It’s not my fault either but do it any how.

My back and legs hurt terribly by the time I leave, and taking the two minute walk is harsh, but achieved all the same. As I go through the double doors to the shop entrance, I’m greeted by bucket upon bucket of fresh flowers of every hue and variety…I’m drawn to them instantly, memories still clear and fresh in my mind, memories of the weekly bunches of flowers I bought and arranged for mum. I long so much to do this that my chest constricts and a lump forms in my throat,. Unaware Im doing it I select a bunch of bright yellow carnations, followed by a gorgeous bouquet of perfect white roses, Smiling to myself I put them in my shopping cart…mothers on my mind so much of late, I feel her and fathers loss most keenly, their counsel most of all…while sat at home later that same morning arranging the small bunchs of flowers, I’m back in the warmth of my childhood home, laughing with mum about something we watched on tv the night before…the smell of coffee, flowers and Youth dew perfume filling the sunlit room…although I can no longer sit in her presence I feel her everywhere, every day, in all I do….including my hard won battles and adventures, most definitely the wilds of shopping, will always miss you mum. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹., Stay safe folks and be careful out there💛💛💛💛💛🐦

Yesterday was one of those awful Gawd blimy days, (you know the ones? I don’t have to bore you with detailed explanations) but to the uninitiated of you on the planet…that’s an awkward kind of day, nothing goes to plan, if there ever was a plan to begin with, add to this my pain levels joining in, thanks mainly to the high humidity(thanks planet!) I just did not under any circumstances want to move, Even after several large thermos mugs of extra strong coffee, I felt let down massively, as pleasurable as they were at the time.,. Switching on the news just proved to depress me further still, Riots across the nation, wars, crashes on the stock market,surely this must be the excuse I need to hide in bed for the day, maybe forever!!!!?…,, In the end I opt for playing mindless games on my tablet, while i wait patiently for that sudden caffeine inebriated zing moment to take effect,….there was to be absolutely no zing, nothing, not a blooming thing!!!!, There wasn’t even a half hearted attempt at a zing….I look down at the remaining dregs in my last cup for the day with some disappointment and disgust,(traitor!) all at once I feel let down…what now?, My eyes travel about the dull lit room, before settling on my phone…ok this calls for some serious assistance, I need to achieve the bare minimum today, Maybe even some half heartedly flicking of the tickling stick…(no nothing rude to see here folks it’s just a feather duster honest!), I could try pretending to wash up the odd cup maybe?, hang out the laundry on the line?hmmm…none of this is doing a thing to bring me out this suffocating malaise.. The opposite if anything, who gets excited about laundry anyhow?.. Oh yeah that will be just me then!!!..

I want to lay about unwashed,unfed, and underwhelmed, waiting for jolly little chirpy Sparrows!, Robins!, pigeons and bunnies to come bounding through the open window and set about cleaning house, Singing tuneful little ditties as they go….course this only happens in Disney, Knowing my luck they would only trash the flat have wild Raves, doubling up my electric bill, annoy the neighbours with Rap music, eat my food then fertilize the rugs… this vision doesn’t appeal at all either .. Frustrated finally i cram my ear buds into my ears turning the volume up, highhhh!…..

Whether it was the coffee having a slower than normal trickle effect or the music, I will never know, but I decide to set about the kitchen … Opening up the Windows before hand, in some small hope of catching a passing breeze…😁😁 it passes alright ….me right by utterly, completely😁,. Spotify on random select, volume up full blast im good to go! now where to start?, I put on the laundry, clean the what’s laughingly called the work surface, all three feet of it…random songs come up as I work!!! One minute Benson Boone, followed immediately by Diana Ross yeah there’s no rhyme or reason to my very eclectic play list…I’m getting into my groove here doing a wee twerp or is that twerk🤔? I never know😁, but all at once I’m compelled completely to belt out the next song, there’s no fighting it!!, no going back!!!!, I’m having the time of my absolute life, twerkifying all over the place, spatula in hand, as a make shift mike…and what you may ask am I doing a glorious rendition of…..Face down xss up(thats the way we like to xxxx…by Deja vous) don’t shoot me here, it’s on my physio exercise play list….no honest it really is….anyway I’m giving it my all….when we get to the chorus, I in turn get spectacular….I’m zoning honey!!!!, Then too my absolute horror a flash of postmans uniform goes by my kitchen window…which if you remember is flung wide… I turn my head fast just in time to see a grinning face, to my horror as I remove one embedded earbud, I hear his raucous laugh…oh Lord why does this always happen to me?….what do I do to deserve this? Ok no answers necessary here folks!…..but even before I can regain any form of dignity there’s a ring on my doorbell…. Yes you’ve guessed it…there stands my regular postie…two letters in one hand, his other wiping stray tears from his still grinning face…mine on the other hand is beetroot red..I thank him already knowing he could have very well of put them in the letter box….but no he wanted to see me squirm…!! I cannot shut the door fast enough…..

If this wasn’t enough, on Saturday afternoon my love not having slept particularly well the night before, decides a nap is in order…while he’s resting I decide to tackle a few put off tasks in the garden at the back of the flat…it was fast becoming a wildlife paradise, pretty enough agreed, but neither not practical or something my landlord would take to willingly, pruning sheers to the ready, I go about cutting back any unwieldy shrubbery, I’ve no plans to fashion some wondrous topiary shapes or animal form….I’m just hacking it back with gusto…branches and limbs flying through the air….my arms scratched and bleeding, but I don’t care, I stand back admiring my handy work..it looks !!!Erm ok, better at least…after just half an hour though I’m soaked through to the skin and need a drink, so decide enough is enough for today,

I rinse my sticky face and neck with delicious cool water, taking particular care to wash the cuts upon my arms, before grabbing a bottle of cold water from the fridge, I walk back into the room just in time to find Jesse waking up…he stretches before looking my way…I’m still a little self conscious of the fact I’m hot and sticky….he smiles and asks, “What have you been up to”?, Between greedy gulps of water not missing a beat I answer….”Just been out in the back garden hun cutting back my bush”, “I’m afraid it had become way to over grown and unwieldy, took some doing too, I’m sweltering”, wiping my brow for effect….Jesse half asleep at first says ohhh good!, Then after this had penetrated his sleep befuddled mind…he looks puzzled, wait you were doing what!???????, I answer matter quite of factly….”Just cutting back my bush, our the back love”!!!!, It looks better now, tidy at least, I didn’t shape it though”. He and Paul my upstairs neighbour stood outside my window(open of course) unlocking he’s door.. choke in tandom…. What I say? and a by now laughing Jesse, says oh nothing darling…”I’m glad you have that sorted now though, a load of your mind”….took me a while but I cottoned on….I really shouldn’t be allowed near any polite society I’m lethal….Anyhow folks that’s enough of my chatter before I say something I regret, take care of yourselves out there, stay safe….💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦