It’s been sometime now, since I’ve felt the where with all to write, I’m afraid another Covid long hauling cycle has come a calling, ( tried hiding behind the sofa, pretending I’m not in, but like that unwelcome relative with BO it’s coming around anyhow)..I find myself confined to my bed like some naughty school girl, too weak to do much, but to bored just to lay under it, my temperature fluctuate,s, I’m either freezing cold, or soaked through with sweat, ..there’s been the odd morning I’m glad to stand under the icy burst of cold water from the shower and others I turn the tap right round glad of the hot splashing water raining down on my shivering body, ….nights are spent doing the cover shuffle, fleece blankets up to my neck, then just a cotton sheet or nothing at all, I get up next day more exhausted than before I went to bed, feeling like I’ve climbed Everest just without the pretty views…

Most mornings I just grab a coffee and go sit out in the garden, it provides the RDA(recommended daily allowance ) of vitamin D, it’s a more pleasant experience than the high dose white pills I have to swallow anyhow, ….you should see the garden, it’s filled with flowers of every hue and scent, the wild sister to the lilac ( Buddelia) is magnificent, ..long brack,s of tiny purple flowers, making up swaying heads, for big fluffy Bubble bees, Hover flies, cabbage white,s, painted ladies and Red admiral butterflies, it’s beautiful heady scent fills the air with a delicious intoxicating aroma, I can fully appreciate it’s attraction

I sit hunched forward coffee in hand, I cannot sit straight, my spine doesn’t let me, but elbows resting on my knees I take in my small world, my mind racing away with thought, I long to walk, but know even if I could muster the energy, I just don’t feel up to it….so I sink any energy I have into my little patch of paradise , it’s a constant occupation, even with how small it is, something always needs dead heading, watering ,weeding or spraying , but even though it causes pain, I’m happy to do it, happy because the whole gardens a feeding station . More and more insects visit, life’s happening all about me, from the many different breeds of bee, hoverfly, bugs ,birds, even the odd Dragon fly has stopped off on its way through, for years I walked with my camera and joined nature in all her splender, now in her turn she comes to visit me like a long lost old friend, friend

amongst other things there’s a hen Blackbird that visits daily, she protects our small domain virulently, taken on huge plump wood pigeons three times her size, shouting loudly at their nerve and repels them without fear, I often through our blueberries , strawberries I’ve grown and pieces of fruit suet for her breakfast, she never worries about my presence, going about her business as if I didn’t exist , I feel honoured and amused by her company, when you live alone you find anything living and breathing in the same area , or even within a mile an amusement, I’ve come to rely on the pigeon,s fighting over the feeder , they have trained me to fill three times daily,( yes they have successfully encouraged, cajoled, glared through my window,s till I put on my slippers and go fill the feeder again,

Wings flapping at each other violently to ward one another off they eat their fill, in return I get to watch their comical antics, seed ,fresh water is indeed a very small price to pay, all the while I cannot join life , I’m very content to let life join me…be careful out there folks and look after you 💙

For some reason last friday, I felt very restless, I was also impossibly tired but just could not find it within me to rest, my head spun out of control with thought, all at the speed of a thousand hamster wheels per minute,, And my body crawled with that restlessness, ( no I hadn’t over dosed on coffee) you see that week I had been suffering with an Ear infection, one so painful, I actually consulted the medical professional (I know shocking right ?!!!!) But that was early in the week, And after having a smashing chat, with a equally smashing nurse over the phone) I was prescribed some rather super dooper Antibiotics,

Not just any antibiotics mind, these are of enormous statue and stronger than Popeye,s right arm, ( was Popeye right handed ?hhhh )( tuts I’m wandering again) , my minds none stop, Anyhow to cut a very long story short, Antibiotics hate me, ( well my stomach anyhow) ….My ear is at least no longer painful , but my stomach now hurts like the devil, ….this however I will get through, Back to the original story Treez, Jesse was asleep in telephone land, And I’m too lethargic to do anything too strenuous, but took a coffee out into my garden and sat looking at my plants…..

I’ had several packs of Geraniums, Dianthus, and lobelia that needed to go into tubs fast or I would lose them, ….I felt angry and frustrated at my lack of energy , slammed my half filled coffee mug upon the round wooden garden table, narrowly avoiding the ripening red strawberries spilling over the sides of their earthenware blue pot, ….if I didn’t pot these plants on, then who would? , there’s only me and it’s a job when I’m well or even Ok ish I get great joy from, ( that day wasn’t one of those, I’ve been having fevers, headaches, and pain,) but like I said someone had to make the effort, .

so while sat, the sky turning a lovely inky dark blue, by the twinkling light of hundred,s, of fairy lights, I began preparing a pot for some of my plant’s, I had a little hand shovel, but I’m terrible , I can’t help but get my hands in that soil, I love the feel of that stuff , ( And it all washes off right!?…..I’m digging for victory, snapped to nails but this was fun….but as I pull back the still warm soil from that days sun, I though I felt an odd vibration, . With a mutter to myself and a deep sigh, I seriously thought, this is it woman!!!!!!, You’ve finally lost the plot, your marbles are not only lost , they have left the damn country!, …I carry on, not getting far when again I feel this weird sensation, A strange pulsing, …..but before I could react remove my hand, I felt a sudden stinging , then another, another and another, I pulled out my from the soil and there to my shock and surprise, sat a whole, load of bee,s, …..their little fluffy gold and black bodies nestled cosily in the warm compost, there were loads of them, …..it was a shock in all my Gardening years I had never experienced such a thing,

I know well enough you get Bee,s that bury under the soil, Solitary Bee,s, do this, but as the name suggests they share their nests with no one! , let alone upwards of thirty, …..I walked away hand throbbing feeling very sorry for myself, I held no malice to the bee,s, I had disturbed their nest, ( it was my fault) …once again living alone was drummed into me, here I was in great pain and not a soul to commiserate with , no one to bring me sweet tea or bath the stings…..I washed my hands, applied neat vinegar to each sting, that’s when I began to shake, ….I lay on my bed, insight of where just lay asleep, my eyes glued to his face, the sweat dripping from my body , and heart racing…..it pounded like it wanted to find its way from my chest, ….I couldn’t breath , and I knew I was fast suffering from some kind of shock, ……eyes firmly fixed on Jesse’s face, I tried to match each breath of mine with his deep slumbering ones…..my heart not only raced it now miss beat, And for one miniscule moment real fear filled my body….

was I going into anaphylactic shock, ?was Jesse’s face the last I would see,?, I pulled a sheet up and swaddled myself up in its comfort, …why wouldn’t I wake Jesse? …hmmmm, numerous reason,s really……Jesse would have out Paramedic,s, the Army, Navy, Gurkers, and half the Air force before I could finish a sentence……then I’ve been so rough of late I didn’t want the blooming fuss, I wanted to lay quietly, I just wanted whatever was to be to be…..so there I lay , watching my man,s peaceful face, the clock pass the minutes , after an hour I knew what I had suffered was just shock, and I rested quieter , exhausted but ok…..later that night as I lay and told Jesse , I could now become excited, never having seen such a thing as bee,s living under ground,. Again I was reminded of all the things I’m yet to learn , stinging hand or no stinging hand, I had survived to tell then tale, ..the next morning the Bee,s had made good their get away , Have I learnt not to put my hands in the soil, offfff course not, straight back in next day, pots planted up, but I must say I have a new healthy respect for Bee,s lol, take care out there folks, it’s going to be a hot weekend ahead, 💜💛💜💙💙💜💛

By now you must be sick of the never ending tales of my Gardening antics , the blooming ever invading Triffid sized weed,s , wasps the like,s of spitfires, coffee swigging Ants and over sexed pigeons, who are at it in amongst the undergrowth from dusk to dawn . But it really is a never ending source of wonder, ( for me anyhow)This week I saw a whole new species of Bee, ( I thought I had encountered nearly all by now, ) This one was different , big , but Not as large as our Bumbles, or then again as small as the harmless massionary Bee,s… it,s body longer , eyes larger and he didn’t buzz , He sat on the Jasmine plant behind me moving his body almost, I liked to fancy as if He was twerking …( Well he could have been ! !!!!) We sat in our companionship , him twerking away and me drinking my third vat of coffee for the day, I took his picture and decided to name my new found friend Buzby, .

some months back while weeding , sprouting mysteriously and totally out of place I spotted the early beginnings of a weedy rose plant, ( it looks of the tea rose variety ) I say weedy as besides it’s thug like weed cousins it looked pathetic , but I once spotted I could not ignore its presence, how it had managed to grow through a membrane, a ton of slate was nothing if not miraculous, each time I took out the rubbish I was careful not to walk over it, weeding around it to give it chance to grow, over weeks I began to increase my plants, filling the borders with Geraniums, Dianthus, lavender and scattering seeds to fill in the gaps, Each time I watered and fed the plants, I found myself saving some to take to the tiny rose…

it really was no more than three inches tall, two weak stems and some pale green leaves , I worried the membrane and shingle hampered its growth, So one weekend while weeding I decided to take matters in my own hands, ( I was going to dig up the beginings of this tiny rose seedling and transfer it to the border… I know it sounds daft but I worried as I did it, I had grown fond of my wee charge, And it’s commitment to live, despite cold weather, weeds , membrane,s and shingle, it was doing it’s best, And I had committed myself likewise to assisting its progress, I dug as carefully as I could, scared of damaging the frail roots , I dug as far away from the actual plant as I could, ….the nearer I got to freeing it ,the more I worried was I actually doing the right thing, was it not maybe happy enough in its poor soil growing sheltered amongst its sheltered weed infested corner….but I carried on and eventually achieved my goal….it came free with as much root as I could retrieve….

I dug it a hole in amongst my already by now established plants , filled it with plant food to give it the best possible chance I could, as I back filled it into place again I hoped my kindly interfering hadn’t in fact meant certain doom and gently patted soil about it,s frail little stems, ( it did in fact show it’s displeasure by getting me with one of its many thorns, my plant maybe frail but it can bite lol , the next morning I rushed out to check it’s progress as I fed my birds, And I was delighted to see it hasn’t wiltered, none the worse for wear,

I had to almost feel sorry for all my other plants, they grew daily from what was once tiny little plug plants just beginning, to now rich leafy, filled with promise of many beautiful blossoms to come, I noted their vim, vigour , new steady growth. but still it was the tiny rose I cheered on daily, ….about a week after I replanted it out , we had a rather hot spell , I watered twice daily, now, always making sure the rose was ok, but my fears became real, it’s leaves shrivelled in the heat, they became crisp and brittle, the plant began to wilter and I felt immediately sad, ( it had tried so hard to live) And my interference had indeed hampered its efforts , yes I know to anyone reading this , to any in fact sane ,normal person it was just a rose bush( or the promise of one) but when you live totally alone, you begin to reach out to anything living, it’s life is entangled with your own, like the pigeons, blackbirds, finches, bee,s and ants, they are part of my puzzle, life….

I watered the wee plant extra, cutting back any now dead growth, it looked a sorry state and I really didn’t hold out any hope, all around it things burst into a triumphant mass of colour, corals, pinks, white and red, the lavenders doubled in size , purple spikes covering the grey green stems, Bees droned lazily on hot summers afternoons as they fed, but for all the beauty it was when I started seeing the first new leaves on that tiny rose that felt a renewed interest , it sparked my imagination, if it could grow against all the odd,s , in fact double its size within weeks, then I felt ashamed, because here I was not thriving myself, I was merely existing, just getting by, long haul Covid, other illness had taken its toll, but I am still indeed living , breathing, I’m alive, while my health takes turns for the worst some days others I grow and bounce back, I get why I identified so strongly with the tiny rose , it grew in the most hostile of places, no shelter, amongst hard stony ground, from nothing it became a living thing, it didn’t matter it now share,s a home amongst those beautiful blossoms, it can hold its own, without any flowers, I’m intrigued to see if it will indeed at some point bud, but if it doesn’t so what it has its spot in my garden, it belongs, And that’s all any of us long for, is to be a part of something,

I share this tiny patch with many forms of life, none of it human, but it’s bustling, it’ changes daily , and as I tend it, water it , feed it, it does likewise to me, it feeds my very imagination, And while loneliness still takes its toll, I’m surrounded by wonder and mother natures beauty , we miss so much as we go about busy lives, if like myself you get a moment , go sit among nature, watch how she surrounds and brings you into the life around you, as I sat outside tonight, it wasn’t the twinkling fairy lights, the sounds of cars, bikes, people that I noted, but as the remains of the day still heated the earth , it was the Warm scent,s of Clove from the Dianthus, soft sweet soft perfume from the bell like Petunias, musky lavender that filled my senses, moths fluttering about my head, clouds drifting lazily in the inky sky, they feed my soul and give strength and wonder, if you look hard enough life is happening all around you, it’s willing to share if you just let it, stay well folks and take care of you ……xx

The days fly fast, faster than I can possibly keep track.of, or for that matter want to, I’ve a couple of big events coming up in the next two weeks, ( life changing, but unusually for me I’m letting them happen without fretting overly ) as a born worrier this of course give me cause to worry,, I will always find something to fret about, ( if not I will make it up) ….I normally worry myself half to death about the slightest thing , half of which most let come and go….of late I’ve taken to sitting out in my little garden when things reach that point I find most distressing, a large mug of rich strong coffee, Sun on my face, company of large chubby wood pigeons, eating the food faster than I can distribute it,…. they amuse me greatly , wings flapping at each other, arguing over the same food pot , when I,ve clearly filled two, they never seem to worry about me sat in what I believe they think is their domain, ( Garden) I think they allow it for as long as I pay them in food, ..my blushes are not even spared when Mr pigeon brings Mrs pigeon down for a late evening Fairy light lit supper and thinks then his entitled to payment for bringing her to such a great dining place, he chases her relentlessly, little bodies waddling around the floor, …

she flaps her wings at him, almost like some prim and propper lady slapping a too forward Gent about the face, this goes on a while , then it’s full scale pigeon Porn , And by this point I Flee hastily the scene leaving the lovers to it and come back indoors, .. There,s also a large family of Blue tits , and the odd Magpie that call , Huge Bee,s, Hover flies and various other insects have made their home amongst the plants i,m gradually getting in the borders, Just being out there amid nature soothes, most things for me, I sit there and feel, well like nothings that important in the grand scheme is it?, nothing but that moment, that window of peace, when my usual shallow breathing becomes deep, even, …..I take in the sights, sounds, yet if it’s possible I’m ambivalent to everything ….I hear music, children’s laughter, parents shouts, but it’s way off in the distance , for a brief moment I give myself permission to just be, to coexist with all that surrounds me…..

I water the plants, feed them it’s my one job as caretaker of my corner iddle, my miniscule section of mother nature,s wonderful universe, And for that small task I get to share it with those that visit, Without this island of a tranquilty, that moment I swear sometimes I think I would question my frail sanity, my life’s this wild Hotpotch that I’m not in control of, nothing about me is stable, my health, homelife, life in general hangs upon a balance, and rest, sleep, peace happens, rarely, if at all…….the last few days my pain levels have reached a crescendo point, i,m finding it hard to cope with, my whole body is aching ,feels like every muscle ,joint ,sinew is aflame, and the night time fevers have returned with a vengeance, But even with my body screaming at me just to sit there in my wee oasis , I’m given enough of a break to enjoy a part of each day,

my favourite time to do this is in the middle of the night, where I share my space with just the odd spider looking for a late night snack at Treez,s garden 7/11, …my fairy lights twinkle in the dusky blackness, stars draw my eyes and the poet within knows that no matter how I tried words fail me when I try to describe the sense of wonderment that moment fills my heart with, A sense of belonging , peace enfolds me and that is indeed precious and calms my aching soul….pain is put on the back burner for these scant few minutes, anguish and heartache also give me a window to just breath and dwell in my tiny world, in a life where everything feels like it’s slipping away , falling through my fingers like tiny grains of white sand that I can do nothing at all to prevent , I’m most fortunate to have these moments……stay well and take care all xx

I’ve never really taken myself to be a prideful type person, (but In this i guess I was mistaken) you can’t afford to remain proud when you’ve been down to where I have, or can you ?!!!!!!,,. then again I’m still learning about these things,(about myself , who and what I really am, See here’s where i,m at presently,…… my garden is wonderful and a most essential thing for me ,my only access to the outside really., but it is also needed quite a bit doing to it for me to be able to just sit and relax. , it’s a cute little court yard type garden,(easy to maintain one would think right?!!!!) ( wrong wrong wrong!!!!) It’s pretty and has this slight feel of the tropical or Med about it, its a very enclosed private space and is indeed a veritable suntrap ) And I’ve tried hard over the weeks ,months to do a bit here, bit there, so I could eventually, at some point in time , plant it up and do it justice,, but there was this one huge snag, issue, pain in the proverbial garden border!!!!

A huge patch of bright yellow Butter cup,s growing wild under a bushy shrub, not just growing, ohhhhh no. , nay these have taken it to the extreme and were actually looking like leggy great Triffid’s on steroids, thriving, taking over in their golden thug like kind of way. I’ve nothing against Butter cups understand, they are very nice running free in the wild , being back fond childhood memories, ( do you remember holding a bright sulfur yellow Butter cup head under someone’s chin, seeing the yellow reflection and proclaiming ” oh yes you like butter” didn’t matter if they did or not, the Butter cup knew all, So there for it was truth ….

And not that I wanted to encourage the growth of Nettles, Common milk thistle, Plantain, Dandelions, Dockweed, clover, Oxeyes etc you understand,,but these things really didn’t stand a chance., Butter cups were my local boys in the Hood and they treated my little patch of Eden like their turf…. it got to the point, I hated going to sit out there, ( when I did, it was nothing but a constant reminder of things I now find I struggle to do) , I needed to take matter,s into my own hands, take back control, these handful of a the yellow Peril trouble maker,s had to go, it was them or me , and I wasnt budging…, I could and indeed did pull some up,but it just was never going to get it, and in effect just made matter,s far worse, it left them more room to expand their horizon,s bullying less vigorous sedate weeds, ( I began to feel quite sorry for them ….

So while drinking my fourth large coffee, in what was just over an hour, sat at my little wonky round wooden table plotting those said Butter cups demise,,, , And being dive bombed by marauding wasps, Ants crawling at my feet begging for scraps like tiny puppies scampering back and forth to their underground nests hidden in the cracks of my patio,…An idea hit me suddenly( like it does) I plonked down my cup with such a loud resounding bang, as I did i startled a poor foraging hen Black bird busy scarfing up Blueberries, I had thrown out earlier for them, (she let me know in no uncertain terms it was not funny or acceptable!!!!, (doing her best shouty call, she flew off….But I decided to commit myself to weed warfare on these golden headed bloody pest, (I was bringing out the big guns, .(Amazon!!!! ) …I trawled it’s many pages for hours sipping yet more coffee as I was looking at one weed spray after another, (I don’t agree with the use of pesticide warfare normally by the way folks ,incase your looking at screens shaking your head,s)(but needs must) normally I would be opting for the age old method,,, weeding and getting filthy, my first and only port of choice in the past, But since Covid took to moving into my body fourteen months or more ago, I’ve just no energy , ….i looked at a great many named brands of weed killers…..one stood out from the rest, .an environmentally friendly spray ,

it,s blurb on Amazon said it kills weeds within three hours,… ewwwww thinks i,. I can indeed wait that long, after weeks of these monsters rampaging. ,, them sat out there taking over my border, And the supposed membrane that fights off all comers, (like hell! Doing nothing) , this weed was busying itself growing Willy nilly where they thought they would , I ordered my product all excited, in just a few days I’m gonna commit weedacide, in the biggest proportion,s , they would be gone and I could then set about replacing their yellowness with Geranium, lavender, Begonia, Fuchsia,s anything that’s not blooming yellow!!!!, I pictured cottage garden borders, bee,s buzzing , butterflies butterflying , me with my flouncy big lace dress, bonnet , gloves and basket cutting armful,s of flowers for the house (ermmmmmm maybe scrap the dress bit, actually all of that,( to much pride and prejudice) But it was a nice thought ( dream really.

when it arrived , I rushed out in my garden, I looked at that rambunctious bunch of runaway weeds, I chuckled an evil laugh to myself,(wicked witch of the North style) I sprayed every flower, leaf, and stem,twig, I sprayed the soil they called home,(myself each time a breeze hit) I took aim and let that spray do it’s best,it’s worst, And without thought of those weeds outcome,… I was ruthless, heartless, I was marvelous!!! then I sat back to watch the magic happen.

Only it didn’t, ( it never did…)yes in fairness they wilted slightly, (then the very next day those yellow heads stood ,tall and proud to attention, I swear they baited me, I could see them laughing, and once again my garden was their domain, …..I went back to pulling furiously at them, smacked them with them spade, I stabbed at them with my garden fork, I did it all but set about them with a flamethrower, I was tempted and it’s a good job I didn’t have one to hand I have to admit……slumping back exhausted on my garden chair, then in defeat , I retreated and stopped sitting out there, if I couldn’t see them it wasn’t happening right?( Sighs)

Over the coming weeks , I grew more depressed , the garden was my only connection to outdoors, nature, sun on my face, wind in my hair, and wasps chasing me to teach their babies how to hunt humans, …..would the ants miss me?, who was going to bring them their coffee (I like to put some down for the workers, it’s a sharing happy little moment, or feed my Blackbirds coconut macaroons( cooking disaster don’t ask ) as I sat head in hand, a solitary tear of despair trickling , a thought occurred sparked through my exhausted head, it blossomed and grew, much like those blooming Buttercups, And I came into the house and started on it before I could have a change of heart. ( my plan was born.

what was my big idea, then I hear you all excitedly exclaim, ?… .I was going to advertise for Help in my Garden, if I couldn’t tackle the hard work, then I would find someone who could, Words for said add flew into my head, I typed up those words in an eager flurry, I embraced that moment, the finding of a solution an answer to my prayers, And within minutes I had my missive written, I hovered nervously over the publish button for a moment or three, closed my eyes and just did it. The words for the add went off into the cloud and I turned off my tablet suddenly scared, (my bravery vanished)what if no-one answered?, what if I couldn’t afford the going rate, ?, What if ,what if, what if? …..

Hours passed and I went about my evening nervously, until that moment of truth, I turned back on my tablet,! …Almost too afraid to look, I did everything but check my add, I played Facebook games, I trawled for sale pages, anything to delay the inevitable!, But while chatting to Jesse , I took courage as I do from his company and to my surprise,joy and relief, I found replies, just one or two, But there they were, I replied to each, trying to find someone who caught my eye, someone who could indeed work at my side, in harness with me, not take over,

After all I’ve gardened my whole life, since the age of three, now with several health conditions I was unfairly robbed of my joy, And for the first time I held out a hand for help, (hard to admit for me, I’ve always coped by myself, I am a stubborn person and manage ….until like now I just cant…….I wanted someone to help me realise a dream, bring about a picture that until that moment only lived in my head…, It was going to be hard on that person to work alongside me, without my usual interference, fussing, wanting to muck in…it was going to be harder still on me though actually facing up to the fact I needed help , giving in ….

I chose one lady who stood out, not just stood out, but her response ticked every box, she didn’t sound pushy, or wanting to take over my little piece of Paradise, ..I had found I thought someone sympathetic to my cause, someone who would understand how difficult this was for me….when she did turn up, I knew within an instant, this was right, She seemed to pick up, my misery at not being able to manage this project, And we arranged for her to start on the following Monday.

I was at a loss as she worked, I hated feeling out of control, giving up a vestige of my hard fought over independence, I felt part of me disappear forever, slip down the crack,s, of the craggy patio at my feet, …head bent I felt ashamed and broken, This wasn’t Debbie’s fault( Gardener) she was lovely, warm and cheerful, almost like she felt the bubbling up anguish, my sorrow, a feeling of like an old work horse of no use anymore, sadly watching younger ,fitter, horses running in the next field…

we chatted as she worked, weed by weed pulled, dug up, within two hours my garden looked like I had only pictured in the past, Debbie listen to my nervous inane banter, about cats, dogs, gardens, it tumbled out of my mouth, I always talk to much when nervous or feel upset , I admit it cost me dear ( not pocket wise) just to sit back while someone grafted in my stead, it was new, uncomfortable, but something I would have to come to terms with and fast, All my adult life I’ve done everything for myself, my family , my partner, dogs,cats, rescued creatures, never have I relinquished my hold of the reins, come what may, Cancer, Eds, Angina, nothing had stopped me….I had to relearn now, I had even shunned my love,s, help many times because I wanted to do it for myself, now came a time of understanding, it’s not a weakness, it’s not as I’ve been whipped with by past tormentors( lazy) , I was in need, and someone reached out and offered help, She charged far less than she should, far less than indeed could, because what Debbie and indeed Jesse have both taught me, there’s no shame in accepting help, no embarrassment in reaching out in time of need, it happens to us all at some point, And in doing so you find some amazing people , some who just want to share your load, take up the slack in that harness and help you achieve ….sometimes you just have admit your human , have faith in others and just let go ……Stay safe folks and look after yourself xxx

I’ve not been about for some weeks, ..I think I’ve lost my writing mojo, well not lost it exactly ,perhaps just mislaid is a more appropriate word, this does happen from time to time , Mayhap,s my ever mischievous bunny Cinnamon buries it in one of his beloved Amazon boxes .( He thanks you greatly Amazon )…so what bought me back your asking ? It’s odd really , but I needed an outlet for IT! It being this,….a place it could live and hopefully in recording it here, giving it some recognition, the spooked sensation will leave my over tired mind in peace ….see It all began with this dream…………..

The three……it was dark , that deep murky inky blue kind of dark, just moments before it turns into black, yet off someplace in the distance remained, a patch of pale blue sky, streaked with threads of Crimson, Gold and Coral,s ..on a huge platform, something akin to a steel girder stood three people ,

Centre a woman, either side of her a man, in this dream I hovered , levitating just above the young girls left shoulder, I say I hovered yet not quite, for I felt everything with absolute clarity what she felt in that moment, so while being above , I was in fact part of her somehow, joined,. I would like to say I felt fear, yet it transcended this,to become far more intense, perhaps terror, or panic, it was in total control of her body, with that mine too…I was very aware of the wind whipping at strands of hair about her face, it’s coolness, chill…could it be this, that had covered her body in tiny pin prick,a of almost painful goosebumps?, yet at that very same time beads of sweat amassed on her forehead and trickled down the small of her back …it was uncomfortable and she dashed away with annoyance a trickle that has managed to drip and sting her eye .

the loose crochet style poncho top,doesn’t afford any warmth,it flaps about her torso , as she gazed with glassy eyes ever forward into the evening sky , they were fixed to a spot on the horizon, with hers mine were too, both of us aware of the men either side, yet only in a blurred far off way,

I suddenly hear distant crowd voices, hushed, almost innocuous, lacking import, yet their presence a most crucial part of that moment, some pointed upward, others stood eyes raised, they felt near ,all about us, at the same time, a million miles down below , like tiny busy bustling insects, it’s at that very precise moment , I felt something new, something she was bravely trying so very hard to shield us both from….it was the fact we are all indeed high up on our steel girder way above terra firma, it hits me hard,( in doing so her too,

her legs quiver, adrenalin pumping through twinned bodies, hearts, minds spinning as if loose in the skulls, the crowd swims in and out of focus, as I look down among them , but even though i,m looking at the ground coming up fast to meet me, she remains staring forward, frozen, yet wavering in the breeze ….i feel the nearness of the man stood to her left, the same side I’m on, I feel know him, not just know, but feel he means much to us both, I feel trust, a quiet peacefulness about him , warmth amongst the chill , him just being, feeds us both strength ….

His voice whispers through the night air, carrying on the breeze , yet reaches our ears and his words hush the quake wracking both bodies, he cajoled, soothes, calmly imparting the knowledge , that’s already installed within us, I and of course her know our fate, we know the outcome….yet with utter trust in the soft voice we are prepared to take what is that utter leap of faith …

the man stood the other side , has remained in silence, there’s a darkness about him felt, yet unexplainable, he has just an outline no true form,a smoky shadow, no face, but I sense ugly, a malevolence that again we know , yet it’s hidden deep ….I don’t understand why his there, he offers nothing, he brings no solice and his darkness has flooded me with fear, but again his vital ,I sense this….

the quiet voice speaks again, ” you know why we are all here” ” you know what’s expected ” . ” It will soon all be over” I will stay with you until the very end ” ” I can lend you courage,strength, but I can’t do this for you” ” you alone must decide” we both knew there was only one choice, one way this was to be , end….bravely the girl lifted her arms above her head, holding them there for minutes, until suddenly without any notice, she launched herself off her lofty perch , almost as if pushed , propelled , arms still aloft she spiralled ever on downward, eyes closed, shutting out the inevitable,and both our fates , the crowds hushed whispers become louder, intakes of breath , screams rent the air, in what felt a life time , the small figure crashes into the cold dank depths, we swallow lungs full of the freezing water, it burns, shocks, and we fight to stay connected, conscious, as I drift away im aware of two horses and their riders, backs to us, up to their hocks in water, their tails like seaweed flowing in the night tide, it’s then as I leave my body I realise the height was far to far up and this part of river too shallow, we were never meant to survive , I see our bodies float away and there I wake left choking to breathe , the dream so real I expect to look up to see darkness and my companions floating body, my hearts racing and I clutch the covers up about my body for comfort , I can still see and hear , feel everything hours later, and later on while the water from my shower splashed my face , for seconds I was transported and panicked, for moments I relived my night time world ……I Thank you for letting me release it here, where hopefully it will let me lay it to rest , stay well and take care out there xx.

It’s been a bright lovely April spring day here, with wall to wall blue skies,sunshine and quite mild, I ( as is my wont these days) I slept through the most part of it, .But In my defence, I was as usual awake most of the night, we now have developed this very strange sleeping pattern, it has evolved into sleeping in two halves, we have three to four hours sleeping time, like some prolonged Nap,,, then awake for at least another four hours , light refreshments are at this stage required and indeed partaken of , ( Mainly of the Coffee persuasion, with some fruit based product snack , Apple ,banana etc ) we,’ll watch something binge worthy until one or other ( myself or Jesse ) drifts off back to sleep , the other invariably soon follows suit , we affectionately like to call this awake gap half time……this over months now, has become our normal sleep pattern,

On waking we have another coffee or two, breakfast is around British teatime 5pm , Dinner 10pm and so on it goes, it’s funny how we have adapted to this strange blend of two worlds, hundreds of miles apart yet blended, it’s almost like a compromise of the two different time zones, it’s not ideal but works for us and what we have to deal with to be in each other’s lives …

Today our second half of sleep went from around 12:30pm GB time until 4 , where I woke and went out into my little garden to feed the birds, and found myself sat a while, ….the afternoon sun was still although high up, warm , in my sheltered little nook of patio, the fenced off small garden being a wonderful suntrap, I remembered reading somewhere that we should all indulge in fifteen minutes of sun daily, ….Daily with my odd mixed time zones doesn’t always happen, ( many days i am indeed lucky if I actually see daylight)( i,m begining to search for my reflection in mirrors in case I’ve took on bat form) but in the case of this week , I have indeed actually managed three half hour sessions of sunworshipping,

While sat upon my wobbly garden chair , i,m struck by how odd I feel, i,m filled with the strangest torn sensation, of both needing to go back inside and hide in my warm cocoon of a room, and sit there for what’s supposed the good of my health, from minute to minute I have mixed feelings of staying there and letting things pass over me, or that of giving in and returning to my almost womb like enclosure, I opt for not giving in, and sit back , close my eyes and let the sun rest upon my face, …slowly one by one I shut down those anxious thoughts and just drift , as I do, I feel I can partially join the outside world, with it the swathes of blue tits swooping in excited groups , twittering among themselves, huge wild pigeon,s flap their wings wildly at each other , others cooing call,s across rooftops, I become aware of distant voices, children screaming and yelling , enjoying the late evening sun, all kinds of feelings bombard me in my quietness , a sad but sweet mixture of memories of my past and those Rosy hopes of a future …..

A huge bumble Bee buzzed lazily around the borders ( breaking my thought pattern) as she searched for early flowers to visit, or was it that new home to bring her colony , I watched her and marvelled, as the huge fluffy black and gold body took flight on those tiny gossamer round wings ,makes itself airborne, ( questioning the miracle how do those wings hold her up ? I will mostly likely never know the answer) Tiny black ants industriously go about working upon some projects on the warmed pathing and although we are a part of each other’s world for that moment , I can’t help but feel uneasy, this is all new, to me, as I’ve always felt apart of nature especially in the past, those times of deep trouble , Ive been known walk over local fields and woods for hours, Now here I am feeling at great odds with the very thing that bought about great healing and peace,

It’s also day 14 of my healthy diet plan, it’s not going brilliantly as despite feeling hungry I’ve just not the energy or inclination to actually get up and get food, I’ve had coffee, my meds , but food weirdly hold,s little to no pleasure for once, eventually knowing if this is to work I must in fact have something, anything!, I opt for the very easiest of solutions , (lazy answer I know), one of those Naked pot rices, ( they are supposed to be quite healthy) I suppose it’s better than a slice of cake, but hell I know at that very moment which I would prefer, . I eat it with little joy , it is what it is fuel , And something I know I must do along side my other routines, like showering or brushing of teeth, ……since doing this is about that bigger( or hopefully much smaller of pictures) I’m sticking to my guns, I knew by week two certain changes come into place,( I’ve not only hit the wall, I’ve blooming demolished it,

Headaches….. , these are persistent little cusses and pain meds help but basically your on your own, every time I’ve given up sugar and wheat , I go through this for at least a month( sighs), it’s hard, I hate it but I have put this into perspective, it will in the future bring about its own rewards, I’ve seen the proof work for me before, ( it’s just right now, it bloody hurts, she whines lol) ….I also suffer with bouts of tearfulness, depression, tiredness, exhaustion and the biggest dose of teenage acne you have ever see on a woman my age, ( I swear I have volcanic , glow in the dark , boils, and spots everywhere, ( and I mean everywhere) the worst ones are on and around my face and nose though, ( ones leading me to believe i,m blossoming into a unicorn or is that a Rhino) …

This too shall pass , it’s times like this in glad of the bumper cap Jesse bought me while In Anthony Thomas over there, that hides the grease ball my hairs become and the obligatory face mask we have to wear these days hides a multitude of sin( or spots ready to blow at any moment) i have to say it’s not all doom and gloom this week, in the half time section today , I had a text from my daughter Becky ( aka Chook) ( we try to text each day, every day really, to let each other know we are ok , that we love each other) but Becky knowing my odd sleep pattern normally texts in the afternoon,s, . This was quite early, first thought for an over anxious person, is what’s the matter? , Second thought is everyone there ok? , I dread this thought, …..But no it’s not a disaster about to strike , just a text, a normal everyday text , but to tell me I have a package due for my upcoming birthday, ( we live some distance apart, Amazon makes gift sending possible)

I text back , ….is this from Amazon Beck? , the ping comes back, where she confirmed it is indeed, …I text back ” oh dear!!!!!!!” ……she answers “what’s the matter ?”, I inform her I have several packages due that morning of my own , how am I going to tell my birthday package without opening it ?( This was not an excuse to peep) ( I’m very intuitive but seeing through, sealed boxes isn’t a super power of mine, yet!!!!!!) ( that’s just growing boils upon my body that pop upon contact) ….Beck trying to be helpful, then tell,s me it could be in either a large or Small box, I sit on my bed , head hurting and still someplace between sleep and wakefulness, knowing I am expecting vitamin tablets, cider vinegar, underwear, floor tiles, all of which Amazon decide to send in any and all sized boxes they have to hand, ( who hasn’t had that eyeliner wrapped in bubble wrap and in a box the size of my bungalow), I’m laughing now, Jesse looks up still groggy , thinking I’ve finally lost the plot….I explain , I have a package imminent( seven stops away) , in either a large or small box, it’s a birthday surprise to put away, despite being tired we laugh together ,mainly because we know exactly where my daughter gets this from, she’s just like her mother lol, Jesse often sits head shaking , listening to the pair of us, thing is we understand one another perfectly , Jesse just indulges us both with a look of pity , enjoy your Easter weekend, eat some chocolate for me and please be careful out there folks and take care of you xx

So for the last two weeks I’ve decided in, either my boredom or as I prefer infinite wisdom ( first option is the most like) to really improve my health by checking my diet, ( well it’s actually more like a healthy eating kick,,,, Salads , veggies, absolutely no bread( I’m a celiac for goodness sakes ,so that always should be out of bounds,, no sugar , definitely nothing that tastes anything remotely gorgeous or halfway decent,hereby I am i,m surprised to be saying doing okish , i have yet to fall off the proverbial wagon , (although there’s still time for this and i have felt myself needing to tighten the seatbelt a few times to keep me on from a soft landing, into a passing cake,

It’s great having a diet buddy with you 24/7 , it’s impossible to cheat even if one felt inclined, being together all the time prevents midnight snacks or crisps falling into my mouth , but I’ve made my mind up and there to an sticking to it, I have gained some weight, as have many of us long haulers, ( we are all unsure why , and considering not much stays in my stomach this is indeed hard to take, most I believe is fluid retention, most of us having very swollen legs and arms…, but I accept its not all, … I grown sick of looking at myself, and with this comes the avoidance of anything mirror which I hasten to add is not always possible😁 , nor can you shut your eyes each time you undress, kind of makes things difficult,. So after eating up most of what I had left in the freezer / fridge/ and cupboards, .this left me with that huge craving for fresh veg, Salads and healthier food in general.

So I’m going to use this to get me started on that right road to a new improved me, I’ve done this once before, March 2020 the bloody Covid struck and with it extra Lbs, …( A very unwanted free gift) But least wise I figure I do know what works for me , nothing’s totally lost right ?, …I buy slimming world dinners, which in my mind can’t possibly be good for you 😁they taste wonderful and fill my relentlessly hungry stomach, also have my salads and a freezer filled with vegetables, fruits I’m afraid limited, my only real weakness is coffee which I love with that nice ample spoon of honey . ( 😔, this too eventually will have to go , sighs

Anyway last Thursday I bought one of these vegetarian healthy meals, they looked ok, well as ok as you can tell from the packet, but then don’t they always ?, I should have learnt long ago to not for (1) shop hungry, …(2) most packets lieeeee!, But it was spaghetti Bolognese right? , how bad can it be?

Friday night I found out!!!!!!!, . I was hungry, after just a green salad for my lunch, I had spent that day I salivating, as I thought of a huge plate of rich ground veggie mince in thick tomato based sauce , covering a mound of comforting pasta, …I kept busy doing anything and every to occupy the mind off food, and my upcoming meal, finally that night it was time folks! …I pictured my meal and drooled,..I couldn’t wait another moment, …it’s hard enough waiting for the microwave , you know those endless minutes, that honestly do really feel like torturous hours , watching the plate turn around and around , until that longed for ping!…..and let me confess, I have never ever waited that extra minute, or two after, hell no (that’s just the manufacturer’s idea of fun in the instructions to torture the life outta you isn’t it?) It’s not truth I just know it! .

I happily took the long awaited meal out of the luminous dayglo green sleeve , And from there my dears it was all very rapidly down hill ( what’s up Treez your all now asking?) well let me tell you, firstly I looked down at at the portion size, I would not have been happy feeding this to a small very mouse( I am indeed a good eater, I love food) the sauce part being a very strange glowing orange colour, the pasta part looking like just several strands of tangled droopy insipid colourless yarn, I felt immediate disappointment, then darn like bursting into tears, I had looked forward to this thing!!!! all day, I had worked myself into a food frenzy, an orgy of food porn, a cacophony of cravings, it had not left my mind in fact all that very day , and now here I was left like a bride on her wedding night and no groom( don’t ask how I know how that feels).

But I thought ok , let’s not let first impression,s take over, maybe it’s indeed a very nice tasting tray of glow in the dark orange gloopy stuff that resembles doggy do!, I stabbed the plastic film viciously( I swear I heard the physco music) put it in the micro and slammed the door purposely, that thing once nuked may have escaped and attacked me. I went back into my bedroom , figured this should be a safe distance if it mutated, exploded or grabbed me by the throat, And I’m still not sure if I was happy to hear that ding or just plain afraid 😨, but I returned to the crime scene,( I mean kitchen to find it hadn’t grown legs or started making its way out by itself,

I plated up the Orange Brown mess and stabbed it soundly to be sure of its actual demise, I swear this thing moved of its own volition, no it did . I took that first dubious mouthful and can honestly say it tasted exactly as it looked , it was vile, …..not to waste it or be thwarted I added , tomato sauce, Worcestershire sauce, pepper , any thing that I had left in my cupboards in the vain hope it may improve this molten steaming mess upon the plate before my eyes, ….even the pasta section of this vile ensemble, did no more than resemble real honest to goodness noodles, it had a taste I can only describe as like licking wood chip wallpaper,( yes I have done this😳,

I ate the glutinous mess, mainly before it ate me, but as I did I had dark thoughts of its revenge the very next day, And I didnt in fact have long to wait either, this my dears is a cautionary tale of what looks to good to be true , is indeed a pasta vegetarian dish and to be avoided at all costs or served wearing goggles, haz mat clothing and paramedics on standby, I’ve eaten a few micro meals over the years but this seriously was indeed the award winning worst, …..maybe that’s why it’s healthy , it’s so bad you can’t or won’t eat it and lose weight ……got it 😁, whatever you have planned for your evening meal folks may your palates be sated and your stomachs filled, stay safe out there and take care xx

Since the past week, came and left without so much as fizzle never mind an actual bang!!!,Really it has been one very strange week, ….Sleep being that still ever illusive creature, that I’m convinced the whole world enjoys except me, I believe if I had ever got round to count sheep as often as I’ve been directed while laying awake, I think not only would i be on New Zealand,s or even Australia,s woolie population by now but Peru,s Alpaca population, I mainly give up trying nights now and watch Britbox, listen to music or both some occasions, we were watching The coroner this week, well I kind of indulged ,while Jesse slept a while, laying listening to songs that I had freshly downloaded, I slowly drifted in and out of a restless sleep for a few minutes at a time, it got a bit spooky when I awoke suddenly ,there was a character lying dead and Bruce Springsteen sang away in my ear oooooooh ohhhhhh ohhhhhh I’m on fire!!!!!!, for the briefest of moments I thought it had turned into some Macabre musical….on fully waking I remembered though …..

Until this morning I hadn’t bought any groceries for over two weeks,opting to use food I already had in my stores, I’ve become quite used to strange and new ways of using up things in my freezer or cupboards, last night,s delectation was a slimming world Lasagna, which I can’t even remember buying now , could it possibly have been a carry over from the lady who owned the freezer previously, ( didn’t know and if honest it was food so really didn’t care) but in any case it was hot , tasted okish for one of those diet microwave cardboard meal,s, .least wise you could eat it anyway ….I broke down late last night or early this morning ( I’m unsure anymore ) but I craved fresh green crisp salad, I could taste the crunchy leaves, peppery Rocket, sweet Gem, Spinach , Cos and strands of carrot, beetroot. my mouth watered at it,s mere thought, I’m not ashamed to say I caved into its seductive call,(I know only I can be seduced by a bloody lettuce leaf) ….I hurriedly ordered four big bags of salad leaves, tomatoes, carrots,beet,s, tiny garden peas, peppers and bananas , Anything remotely green, remotely fresh, when in my basket before I had time to rethink.

While there though I also ordered a small Gammon joint to make Bacon and pea soup, plus some fresh chicken, ……I had missed fresh food so much , everything being of the microwave persuasion, tinned or packets , when sleep allowed ,I had actually dreamt of big containers of every kind of salad leaf you could imagine, but it was always just out of reach , oh yes it was salad porn and I awoke hot sticky, left weak willed n wanting…..so I feel no shame, or regret at my giving in to temptation despite having enough food in for another week(with yet more inventiveness that is), I arranged for it to come at 6 am!!!, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the bags and tear each pack open and feast on its goodness, ( plus it was the only delivery available others being much later or the next day, I was NOT!!!! Waiting another moment than necessary)……I had just dozed off and it was indeed morning and I was still picturing that day,s repast to come, oh sweet sweet salad of mine !!!!!! ……

As I lay in the no man’s land of sleep and semi comatose , I dreamt I heard a loud banging sound, Firstly thinking it was on the program we had left on, or Jesse moving about, I snuggled further down covering my head with my fleece blankets, but no there it was again!!!! , but this time only louder and more urgent, with a purpose, …..it finally penetrated my sleepy muzzy head, without thought , I clambered out of my bed still rubbing my gritty eyes to investigate, Was Cinnamon ok?( My house bun) Bunny,s thump their hind legs to warn their Warren of any imminent danger, was the house on fire? , had the log burner self combusted , burst into flames( with my luck this was and indeed is possible , I could never get it to light for me but burst in flames, yeah I could see that !!!, no matter I was going to find the cause of being rudely awakened) …..as I walked out into my living room , the cold laminated floor sent shocks through my bare feet, waking me up totally from any remaining sleep that was clinging bravely to my mind, I looked up to see a dark silhouette outlined at my front door, still rubbing sleep, and dare I say any vestige of last night’s make_ up from my eyes, . I was greeted by a far too cheerful Iceland delivery man for half past night time, ok 6 am.., I think I grunted some form of greeting at him, well I could have.., one can never be sure. Taking the proffered bags , I thanked him, wished him a good night ( he looked at me quizzicaly as i shut the door quickly, leaving behind it a very bemused chap and the cold out there with him , I’m only so glad, I had out pj,s on and hadnt gone to bed in vest and knickers as usual. (I have answered half asleep like this before)

I put away my precious cargo of green leafy heaven, and while doing so made myself a huge mug of steaming coffee to warm myself up from the dawn’s chilly air., As I walked back into my room I fully expected Jesse to still be asleep, But the knocking had even stirred him, he sat his eyes half open trying to peer on his phone for emails, …..with coffee safely perched on my bedside cabinet, I clambered back under the nest of still warm blankets . I tried hard to let sleep over take me, but despite my best efforts it wasn’t to be,

I gave up showered , dressed and got ready for the day to begin, after cleaning out my bunny, making sure the kitchen was tidy , I sat and relaxed a while playing my games , but I tired of this soon enough and wondered what mischief I could find to get myself into, Sun’s rays warmed my room and spring has been calling me out to play for days now, Dressed just as I was ,( huge baggy shirt, legging,s I decided to go before I could talk myself out of it) I hurriedly shoved on my shoes, grabbed my wallet and keys, And began to stroll down to the Lidl , it’s only about five minutes from my home, Buds are appearing on trees and shrubs, Daffodils trumpeted in the coming of a new season, life is begining again( and I had be blissfully unaware), my eyes that have barely seen the outside in a year, now drank in hungrily everything around me.

I made it to Lidl , ( nothing remarkable your thinking, but it was for me, since the long haul Covid, symptoms have taken its toll on my health, with it away any fitness I had, again nothing remarkable, but just two years previous, I had gone from virtual cripple too much pain to move , to a long long journey of losing 50lbs and walking upwards of six miles daily, I had built it up over many months of exceptional hard work, now move to where I am today , the struggle badly to catch my breath, walk for five minutes, or be without seeing distance of a bathroom.

On making it though , I decided to go in to buy some newspapers, one… so I could read them , two..for Cinnamon,s cage..I put on my mask first , the heat greeted me as I walked through the doors, it was busy , noisy and I found it difficult to be around so many people, it really was a huge shock to my system , all in used to us seeing the odd delivery driver weekly, ( but not even that in too weeks) I wasn’t panicky , but felt odd …..But then In two years I’ve lived alone , with only Jesse to keep me sane ,( his finding it a struggle LOL ) . It’s ok this self isolation malarkey but it’s sure a culture shock ,when I leave my bungalow island , there’s people everywhere yah know 😲😲😲😲😲,

It’s a very rare rare thing when I can say it’s a Tuesday and I’ve not done a thing food shopping wise online, this is my second week, so far I’ve survived ok…., I hunt down odd scraps of food at the back of the freezer ,fridge or food cupboard, ….last night I found a box of battered frozen fish lurking suspiciously , I dragged it out of its hiding place,( ready to kill it if need,s be) but when I poked it at a distance with a fork, there I ascertained it was indeed very dead, i slapped it on my foil lined baking tray and waited twenty minutes while it cooked, I was unsure how old the fish was and couldn’t actually remember when I bought if I’m truthful, ( but it was frozen still, sort of )(and not glowing luminous green) so I shrugged my shoulders and hoped for the best,

This my friends is one dangerous game ( do not try this at home) specially if your stomachs like mine( I pray no one’s anywhere is like mine though) …it cooked, smelt ok ( this being the age old method of testing of course) ,( here,s a little thought, can you imagine cave men walking up to dinosaurs legs sniffing them before their kill, don’t think that would end well 😁, ( I add my fish to some plain rice , spinach and a wilted bowing spring onion I gathered from my cupboard then settle down to eat it! ( all be it a tad nervously) ….for Dessert we had an apple, (by the saying of we I’m not getting all posh on you) I mean myself and my Desert island bunny buddy, he never lets me eat alone, that said, it’s a good job his vegetarian because I think even he would have given the fish course a miss…

Earlier today I had a Narn bread I was given weeks ago, I dripped a few drops of water on it, threw it in the microwave for a few seconds and it was soft again and like new, I made a dip of Greek yogurt, mint, I would like to say finely chopped cucumber but it was just chunks , (I’m dangerous with sharp objects , . This was a tasty lunch and kept the hunger at bay, I washed it down with two large mugs of hot coffee was happily full,

I’m not sure how long I will be content with my isolation on Bungalow island and indeed more importantly how long my food, milk, coffee and sparkling water supplies are going to hold out,. already I’ve noticed that things are looking rather sparse, That said Cinnamon has enough food to feed a large bunny colony, including treats ….( But for now it’s an interesting experience and maybe one day of some great scientific interest lol) who knows, I struggle at times with the loneliness, especially late at night, it’s quiet , well kind of, except for my elderly neighbour who tends to bang about next door , ( at one stage I was convinced he was building a staircase to the non existent upstairs, but this is just the way my sleep deprived brain works right, maybe it’s a space Rocket ?) but apart from him, the odd fighting cat , sounds of traffic it’s spookily quiet, and with that hush my mind runs free, ( I mean it’s always been a bit wild, a handful and I’ve had to chase after it on the odd occasions, but in the deathly quiet darkness, just you and the many room,s of your mind for company, it’s one very long night,

I’ve decided to be proactive though, and over the last few days I’ve scrawled a kind of garden map as to where I’m going to plant out some flowers, more important though fruit and veggies, ( ok I wouldn’t win any awards for architecture or road mapping, .it looks like some lines with circles, names like sticky half dead bush, large freaky prickly bush thing, Bush thing with a bud on , very dead tree plant,,. Not sure yet wether to break out my crayons and pencils and colour it in , but for now this seems above my head and way too ambitious, …Jesse bought me some Green beans seeds called lady Di, plus for the sheer novelty factor these climbing purple beans, the green ones do come with instructions at least, where as the puple seeds it’s all going to be guess work, good job I know some about gardening, (like you have to dig holes and plant things and which way up the go, but first grow them in small pots) I can do this right?,

I intend to grow strawberries, herbs, anything basically I can acquire the seeds for, it’s hard at the moment , what with Covid and lockdown . I’m nothing if not stubborn and will find a way , tonight,s supper will be pea and ham soup , not so sure how much ham is in this , but yes it’s certainly pea green, kind of like pond algae , moves like it too funny enough, but I shall be fed until bedtime ,where hopefully my night mares will be replaced by dreams of large slices of rampent cream cake, scones, iced buns, or generously topped cheese cake….sighs …anyway take care my friends and stay safe out there xx