Thursday……

well I think it is, although I’m not quite sure to be absolutely honest, it started out that way anyhow, …It’s been over a week now since the issues I have been having with my neck are slowly driven me crazy person…the pain is one thing, (myself and pain are old enemies from way way back, having a deep unhealthy respect for one another) but not being able to turn my head to the left without the room spinning out of kilter, or the loud cracks that reverberate throughout my head is another, But the new issue that really worries me most now….. is this is the third morning in a row, for just a few minutes upon waking, I am unable to move my head at all, call me weird, or unusual but this is not optimal, going to the bathroom being something most of us need or want to do at some point, eventually, it does normally resume service at some point I know , but it’s deeply unnerving not being able to shift to get up even if somewhat briefly …..

at first I tried the wait and see approach, this being a favourite of mine, I do this with everything health related, much to loved ones chagrin. If it doesn’t kill me and I see even the slightest improvement, I win and have avoided the dreaded doctors office once more…..(Myself and doctors offices justttt…, well we don’t mix, ….Have you ever noticed how they always want to stick needles in you, …this is fine, but I have unfortunately flat veins, it normally takes some poor exacerbated over worked nurse several attempts, …they will Often ask me where my veins are located,?….I shrug look at them puzzled,” erm they’re in there somewhere I’m sure..(it’s almost like mining for oil really!!!) They try different approaches, getting me to make a fist, dangle my arm down beside the chair, look away as if that will coax the offending veins to appear, maybe they are shy !!!! , another thing is to drink pints of water before I leave, then keep me waiting out side till I’m fit to burst, or the water floods out the many pin cushion holes i,m filled with later…..I digress

Today I decided enough was indeed enough, after showering, I make up my mind today’s the day to take positive action ….( I’m phoning the surgery……, I really mean it, I am…..no honestly, .But I hate phones, I whine to myself, and it’s true I do, to me they are work of the devil himself, No good has ever comes from them., Right then If I could have grabbed some poor unsuspecting neighbour, in off the street to do this for me, then I surely would have, ( this though I think is akin to kidnap though isn’t it? And probably frowned upon in most states) ..so I search out my surgeries number, it’s been months since I last broke down and called…(I locate it eventually via the powers that be, (google), doesn’t everyone do this? I love Google lol…..

From long off experience, I know this is going to take some time….Coffee ,I’m going to need coffee at some point, …I ll make a thermos I think , grabbing an icy cold can of rhubarb and apple juice from the fridge, least I’m prepared….I make my bed, visit the bathroom and holding my breath I ring the number….An automated voice immediately tells me due to Covid 19 they are no longer taking prescriptions, by person, it’s all done via some electronic device kept hidden in a vault or something……..but it then goes on to inform me if this is a medical emergency hang up and dial 666 or is that 999, but I now have five options, (ohhhhhh goody)…..all I have to do is choose one…press one if you want to cancel an appointment(cancel one !!!!!!!cancel one! Noooo, I want one I say to the automatic voice recorder person, . Press two if you want some long list of services that were garbled in some foreign tongue or so fast I’ve no clue to this day what was said, Maybe it was rude!!!! (i,m just hoping I didn’t want one of those!, Or three for appointments. Yes, yes, yes !!!!, Three, I want three I shout hurriedly to the inhuman voice thing…..

Too late! , I’m put in a queue, And I’m number five…..I sigh, settle down with my coffee, this music that is a jingly, plinky-plonky thing…., the same five notes, over and over, plays on a loop, …..it takes ten minutes for me to move up to number four, And the only saving grace with this is, I’m not actually physically stood outside in the heat, attacked by marauding wasps, coughed over by fellow queuee’s or listening to Ethelred’s stories of bravery surviving his growing toe nail, (I am at least spared this) ….

I drink more coffee, write my shopping list, polish the furniture, hang out the wash, wash up, all the while accompanied by those same by- now-driving-me-absolutely-crazy five notes….. the phones flashing how little credit I have left by now to add insult to further injury. I bellow at it ‘I knowwwww!!!!!’ Jesse stirs in his sleep, jumps and settles back down again. (I’m at once filled with gratitude that I had the forethought to feed and clean out poor Cinnamon bun.) If not, he may well have chewed his way out his room. And just like a Monty Python sketch turned rabid vampire bunny and chewed my throat out…..I quickly shake this vision from my head and poured yet another coffee. By now it has been an hour. I have had at least three large coffees and a bathroom break is on code red, in other words: imminent, but a thought struck me, what if that minute I go, I get through to a real life person type human being!!!!!!

I decided waiting it out was infinitely more preferable than some poor horrified receptionist hearing me go to the loo, so I waited, and waited some more…… My domed clock’s thin red hand ticks away the seconds, then minutes. The four gold balls that spin around under its glass case, carry on spinning. Somewhere in the distance an ice cream truck chimes out it’s tune, children laugh, Cinnamon is happily throwing about his newly acquired colourful ball…. the world goes on… well, all except mine!!! (That is.) I’m stuck in limbo, in phone hell……

Eventually when I’ve reached the point of nodding off to sleep, a voice in the distance says hello my name’s Gertrude or whatever it was. My sleepy brain by now numb from the anesthetizing tune, that even though it’s stopped at long last, goes on and on, around and around my poor mind. She apologized for my wait, asks me to give a quick run down of why I’m calling. Before I get out half a sentence, she says “let me stop you there!!!!!” Gertrude informs me that my first call will go into a tree house or something, ….I will get to speak to a doctor on the phone, who will then decide if I need to speak to a doctor. “Great” I say. “Let’s do that”. ”Okay” says Gertie in her best officious voice. ”Call back tomorrow at eight”, and puts the phone down……..this, my lovelies, is why I hate phones. Oh well, tomorrow is another day and I will spend it waiting by the phone. Think of me !!!!!!!! Stay healthy out there folks. 💙💗💛💚💗💙💛💚💗💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

I had been searching for something for over an hour, Despite my small bedroom in the winter being cold, at the best of times, …I was hot , tired and getting more antsy by the minute with this more organised self for not putting things in their rightful places, …But it is still a fairly new phenomenon for me….Past me didn’t just have the one messy drawer in the kitchen, like most homes, oh no I was lucky if I had one tidy drawer, but this was me in my other life, my living with others, my trying to organise a balloon race in a whirlwind days,….since living alone now, I have drawers for every thing, I love being able to locate exactly what I want, when I want it, without stress, without the running about breathless ,red faced and ready to kill something…..

But today I had sadly let myself down, I found books, papers, half finished crochet projects, hundreds of coloured pencils , everything else, including things long since forgotten……one of these things where a pile of old Diaries of mine…..these were from years long ago, I flung them on my bed in temper , these were not what I needed, ….Coffee I decided!, I knew from long ago that if you just go and do something else, anything else, then come back later you may just find what your seeking…..I bought my coffee in ,sat on my bed, then sipped the hot comforting brew ,I began mindlessly thumbing through the well worn pages of the first diary.

it was a jade green silk fabric covered book about six inches tall nothing remarkable, it had in its time obviously been well made use of, it’s cracked back now broken with time, from my missive,a , I had obviously pushed back the covers to be able to fill each scrap of lined paper more fully, I had covered sections between my work with drawn Chinese open mouthed dragons , orchids, lilies, and of course the odd horse, there was stuck on pictures, stickers and doodles of matchstick people, I smiled as faint memories of doing this surfaced , I lay back against my pillows , pulled over a throw and began reading the poorly written words yesteryear ….these first pages were kind of sweet,fun,.. I was looking back on a childhood memory of a day at the beach, with my family , aunts ,uncles, the sounds of the sea against shingle, seagulls, laughter of playful children, smells of the sea , funfair, hotdogs, onions, and Ambre solaire sun lotion,And that wonderful butterfly feeling of excitement,

as I turned the pages, and the years though, the depth of my unhappiness really hit home, I felt imprisoned, stifled, lacking any kind of love and affection , like now I suffered a lot of pain ,illness and how I made it through was to this day beyond me, I can still remember longing to be held, heard, to feel the warmth of a hand holding mine, I really didn’t know any kind of affection what so ever, ..page after page of crying out for a soft word, touch or just someone to know I even existed , ….I felt enslaved with no one to care what I needed, And why should they, I no longer cared either….I flung down the little book in disgust, almost as if reading it had made the already grey sky outside Darker and more foreboding, what has been a chill earlier was now eating into my bones, I pulled my purple soft fleece throw up to my chin for warmth , almost like a protective armour from what threatened to drag me into its foggy blackness,

I sat there still , looking at the pile of small books , they made me feel uneasy, like the past was contaminating the cosy safeness of my room, I’m not sure how long I had sat there, unable to tear my eyes from the offending books, the green silk diary I had read from,now lay open, I could see the pen outline of an oriental lion, tongue out, wide eyes and scraggly mane, memory after memory flashed before my eyes, I could hear voices raised in anger, hatred, and even all these years later I wanted it gone, away from me , I had begun a new life, finding gradually the me, that back then I had longed to discover, ….I still don’t know who , what I am, my every decision made for me then, what clothes I wore , hairstyle, where I could or couldn’t go, food I ate, …..the books lay small upon the bed, yet I felt they enveloped every tiny space, blocked out the light, sucked air from the room……

picking them up carefully and as though they would poison me simply by touching them,, I carried them into the livingroom, … sat down in front of the log burning stove, the door whining, as I swung it open, ……there I paused for just a fleeting moment, I listened about me for sounds of familiarity,… I could hear the soft breathing of Jesse as he slept, it broke through the thick dark cloud that not only filled the rooms , but threatened to swallow me whole into its inky unforgiving nothingness………I clung like a limpet to that one piece of warmth, the sound I knew so well, familiar, deep rich warm and a salve to my tattered nerves……

it broke through enough , that without any more thought, without question, I began tearing out page after page, stopping only long enough to take a match, strike it and hold it to the first balled up crumpled piece of paper , it flickered, flashed and it’s light filled the darkness of the gaping mouth of the log burning stove, I watched the pages unfurl, become distorted, …..words filled with hurt, anger, pain and torment, that had mere moments ago bought a cloying blackness, now burned brightly, orange, gold, yellows danced before my eyes almost hypnotically, setting each word free , with spirals of rising smoke, cleansing and as it did it warmed the room, not only the room but me!, Yes all this hurt that had previously turned my blood to ice, now warmed my face, hands, and bought an almost cathartic comfort, ….book after book burnt, I would never have to look upon those deep days of pain again, I felt instantly relieved, and freed of the past , now I truly could turn the page and write my new story …….

i woke to what’ was the most beautiful Saturday morning, although it was still early,… after the three to four hours of somewhat fitful sleep I felt rested ..,But it’s at this exact moment ,though i had remembered something I had decided foolishly just that evening before, I needed to take a walk down to the local Lidl sighs ,. I was totally out of Rye bread ,plus I needed an anniversary card for a very special couple, ( My daughter and son in law…..I already know upon waking though ,my eyes still closed against the light, if it wasn’t for this card, or indeed the lure of a Rye sandwich later that day, I would stay put in the cozy confine,s of my home…..like a spoilt petulant child, I want to stomp my feet and say, “But I don’t wanna!!!!!” …..I don’t feel 100%,( but then do I ever,) i start the talk with myself…”there’s no such thing as a good day to do this”, tomorrow may not be any better or indeed could be far worse, you can do this, it.goes on until I admit defeat……shower, get ready, Keys, mask, wallet,phone… I force my sulky self out the front door.

it is indeed a glorious September day, warm, soft breeze , clouds a light fluffy grey no real threat of rain….as I walk, I look about me at the flowers in other people’s front gardens, mostly for distraction if I’m honest, And even though we are coming to the end of the gardening season, most front gardens are still in riotous colour….Bright red Geranium,s, massive heads of the blousy double begonia, the tall lofty column like golden sunflowers, heads bowed humbly and nodding in the breeze , roses past their best but still scented in the warm air, the last of the buddleia and the giant broad shiny leaves of the elephant ear plant, ground cover extraordinaire …..it saddens me that all this will very soon make way for the bare ground of winter, I’ve already made up my mind as I walk to bring in a couple of the pretty ivy leaved Geranium plants that have earnt their keep blooming all summer long, just to try to hold onto some of that outdoors feeling …

I reach the well hidden from view bench that sits in front of the local memorial, . plants surrounding it are looking decidedly shabby for some reason ,tired and wiltering, that is all except the pretty silver leaves of the Cineraria, which is holding it own ….I,m looking forward to getting my shopping done , crossing the extremely busy main road , before I head back , I sit a while on that very bench , it provides extremely important respite, to regain my composure and just breathe, there I watch cars from my hidden resting spot , people watching being hobby of mine, Each car pulls up to the traffic lights, stops, And without fail every couple sit either staring ahead or one normally has a phone in their hand, eyes glued….none are talking, … I have to admit i hate the way we have all become, relying heavily on a little screen for everything…..at this moment i feel a deep sadness wash over me,

, …..Will this happen to myself and Jesse eventually?, Will we lose our wonderful communication,? we talk about everything right now, we talk about talking for goodness sake lol, …I’ve watched couples shopping, or walking about , they barely make eye contact , grunting at one another is apparently the new English, few hold hands, less still even make eye contact…..

I reach the crossing before Lidl without much ado, already grateful my fellow waiting pedestrians, that had pressed the button to cross, so I didn’t wait around as long, I only needed a few bits of shopping , the bread, cards and a news paper….( Not for me you understand but my very fussy rabbit Cinnamon, who will not entertain anything other to line his room, ) he generously allows me the concession of doing the cross word first, he,s good like this……

I make my way down the bustling Saturday morning shoppers, over filled aisles, searching everywhere for my bread, it’s not to be found with the everyday wheat loaves of course, or in the exceptionally very limited wheatfree section ….I locate, the greeting cards straight away and although they are plain ,very simple in their appearance, not at all what i really would have liked for my loved one, I settle for two that I considered to be almost okish,,,, , found newspapers, managed to avoid the temptation of the vast, freshly baked cake section totally , the scents of its freshly cooked still warm pretzels, Cinnamon buns, and hot rolls alluring to say the least that hungry stomach,.I’m trying hard to convince myself that cake is evil , cake isn’t my friend …it was to be on my way out that I finally find that elusive Rye bread, ….I can now leave and make my way home.

I Do indeed stop off at the bench, spend a quiet spell sat in the warmth of autumnal sunshine, despite feeling worn , I’m glad I pushed myself, I’m also glad that I saw and passed the odd word with some of my fellow shoppers, ( it reminds me of that long lost art of socialising, I fear soon I will have to resort to Google if i,m not careful on the how to communicate lol) ….the sun warms my skin, I sit there in almost silent, meditative peace , the world goes on around me, I’m part of it , yet maybe not…..

On my way home, I nod to a couple, who are in the middle of cutting a large deep hole in their concrete drive, the sudden deafening noise brings me out of my stillness, ..I’m unsure quite what they are doing but my vivid imagination immediately kicks in and remind,s me of the Nordic noir from the night before, are they waiting till after dark to hide a carpeted filled object or three,?, No my mind chatter tells me, they don’t look the type, to suburban, settled, But then I ask myself what indeed is that type? ( I’ve decided I am watching far to much crime drama before bed, lol….I also smile and say good morning to the lady knelt before a large green glazed pot ,filling it deeply with bulbs ready for next spring…..as I walk on, a tiny flicker of a thought germinates in my fuzzy head. (talking of bulbs,that’s light bulbs though one goes on in my head) ….Maybe I can add a few embellishments to these otherwise plain and boring cards…….I try to remember, what I have in the way of Glue, pretty papers, cards and stick on gems, …..I conclude as I turn my corner and with that instant relief on seeing my cozy home I do indeed have enough………

I absent mindedly flick the kettle switch as I pass, I need coffee, lots of coffee , I need that caffeine kick if I’m going to create, I put away my meagre shop, talking to a now sleepy Jesse , Cinnamon bun whose ignoring me because he hates me going out , even for a few minutes or so, ( But he has no choice he will listen to me) And I will talk, as I’m won’t to do ….and very often….I take my coffee into my bedroom, it’s my room of preference see,there I pull back the heavy green check curtains and look out into my sun filled tiny corner garden, birds await feeding, butterflies flutter gently about the few left soft lilac coloured brack, s of musky scented buddleia , a huge bee rests contentedly in the sun, alls well, and I sigh I have coffee, I can see Jesse by now sleeping, and what’s more I’m home once more……

I find my headphones , And while the mood is upon me, I start to gather up all I will need to transform my two cards from their scruffy Cinderella form, to something fit for the ball, I pull open cupboards, draws, and boxes, find treasure like glitter, gems, papers of every pattern and colour, card I’ve saved, pens, dumping it all upon my earlier made bed, I sit in the middle of it all, with the melodic notes of Aretha Franklin ( A natural woman) playing through my headphones …..now where to begin.?..

ideas flood and pass through my head…why does this always seem a good idea in the planning mode, so simple……, My daughter makes beautiful cards, I’ve a friend Theo who also has this wonderful talent……I on the other hand am one of those who over guilds the lily at every opportunity . If something calls for a stick on gem, I cover every available inch, if you need to cut out a pattern , I go my own way and snip bits off your not really supposed to, I embellish with flourish, more is so much more …..if I had been Cinderella,s fairy godmother she would have looked somewhat akin, to a drag queen crossed with a hooker…I’m good at this….lol

But as I sip my coffee , sing along to the music , silence the ever growing need to shower my cards with glitter,.. ideas finally come……I sit crossed legged like a five year old at infant school, scissors flashing fast, cutting shapes ,ribbon, cards, I’m a card design demon, ……..things fly about in my ever eagerness to create, in my head i am seeing a wondrous make over , one my daughter will Coo over and extolling my creativeness to the whole world……..in truth this could get ugly……

And sure enough it soon does, the simple design I have chosen after much thought and deliberation , in order to complete this mission,…. seems not quite as easy as first planned……the shapes I try so hard to cut out following the drawn lines with care, just don’t want to Co operate, the glue is sticking everything but what it’s supposed too, I’ve clump,s of paper stuck to my bed, my leg, cup, and what is that fluttering out the corner of my eye!!!!!!?, it’s red and damned irritating, …….turns out to be a tiny piece of bright red ribbon that somehow I’ve managed to stick unwittingly to an eyelash, (I’ve no idea how though)it flutters each time I blink like some weird extended false eyelash thing, …….by the time I have finished this project, I hate the sight of the card, the glittery trapping,s that are now all over my once clean bedroom…..I shove the maybe still not dry card into its envelope, put back on my shoes , and post both the cards quickly before I can change my mind about the whole blooming thing…….just feel sorry for my poor daughter upon opening these offerings, she has no clue what awaits within, Happy anniversary Beck n Gary I do despite the cards love you both, take care out there all 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

You would think from someone who has cooked regular for over forty years, a three ingredient recipe would be the simplest thing in the world to do well right!!!!!!!!, Hahaha, that is until you get to know me….it had been a long and quite stressful day , I was tired, my back ached in every possible way …..Perfect night to try out a new recipe…notttttt?😁,

I gathered up the three main ingredients needed in preparation to begin ( well there is only three) , plus my usual couple of twists, I like to add to make any recipe mine of course…….in this case Cinnamon, dates and almond extract, first part of said recipe required smooshing five ripe bananas( ermmmm mine are not quite ripe) , Smooshing is a term used by any good cook yah know lol, … so not having an electric whisk or any other kind of machine to pulverize my bananas , I use what I have to hand……A potato masher….what????😁, It’s perfectly logical to such as i…..in the past I have been known to put fruit in a plastic bag and try walking on it……..(.do not even be tempted do this!!!!!!, It went up the sides of my shoes, trousers, on or is that in the carpet, flying across the room on to the walls ,ceiling and curtains , I had successfully decorated my entire kitchen but had now no fruit left ) …..

any way back to thing at hand……grasping my masher tightly in my hot little hand, I brandish it at the first peeled banana, I mash that thing to a pulp, it is now almost liquid in form, And I’m ready to set about the next one, I bring down my masher onto, the unsuspecting fruit and as I do I hear a sharp crack, no not only a crack, actually a loud snap……I have managed to snap my masher in half, ….the banana is laying there taunting me, I swear it’s laughing,…

how can something so soft in texture, break a solid thing like a masher? , well it can if I,m using it…..( I can do anything me) …..so masher broken , still five bananas left to go, I’m by now more determined than ever, it’s not winning, I will smoosh these fruit,s if it’s the last thing I do ( it may well be)…….I use the head of the masher and in a fit of rage I savagely go about pulping the four surviving fruits……I won, they were defeated…And my hand is now sore from the broken end of the masher sticking into the palm…….but I did it

Next is the flour, I used a wheatfree self raising flour, the recipe calls for 2 and 1/2 cups, getting out my different coloured measuring cups , I thrust the largest, a pink sturdy cup into my flour packet, plumes of flour leave the packet and I hear a crack, then stare in disbelief at the handle, still in my hand, the cup part in the bag…..surely I’m not that strong I think ?, But it happened , and I’m left using the cup as it is……I muddle through, completing the mixture, once the ingredients where combined it looked very like a cake mix, smelt devine, …..

the recipe call,s for putting the slow cooker on high for two hours, Great we can put it on , safely go away to watch some of our latest Nordic noir…….we get comfy synchronise our timers and wait excitedly for our prize , lovely fresh home baked banana bread, Jesse snoozes contentedly away in his chair, while he rests I clean my kitchen, put away my pots and pans, then sit in anticipation………before long Alexa at Jesse’s house is booming out that await is finally up……he wakes and goes to check the bread, I hear an excited ewwwww Honey it’s huge…….😮, I presume we are still talking banana bread here, And finally I am tempted off my resting place to check it out…….

I hold my breath, grab a cloth to protect my hand from the steam as I lift the lid, but oddly there is no steam……not only that, my what should be a lovely golden brown well baked banana bread…..is raw liquid flour ,banana, carnation milk goo……it’s just a slightly warmed up mixture, …..the red light is on at the side of the slow cooker, it’s on high as instructed, but nothing!!!!!!!, Nothing has happened, I’m dumbfounded, but shut down the lid , go away for another hour. Maybe mine just needs longer?…….I watch more of our series ,while Jesse mmmmm,s and arrrrrrrr,s happily over his first slice of perfect bread……an hour later I get up ,check slow cooker and still i,m greeted with raw milky liquid, ….again I go away ,wait yet another hour, doubling the recipes time by now…….go back annnnnd you’ve guessed it, still no further on……I angrily twist the silver dial to low……go away thinking this is never going to cook…..I leave it for yet another hour, then creep out to the kitchen , by doing so hoping if it doesn’t know I’m there, it will have cooked………And by jingo ….it only had…..there it was a gorgeous perfect oval thick golden banana bread…….I sighed with relief and called through to Jesse ” it’s done” ……as I sit eating my warm glorious slice of goodness …….I realise since I’ve had my little slow cooker, that I affectionately call Colin, don’t ask lol (but that night he was called many other names though) I have never used the high setting, low till then cooking it fast enough for me……that was when reality dawned , I have the only slow cooker, whose low setting is actually the high and visa versa…..it indeed could only be something of mine…..😁…….ingredients for slow cooker Banana bread

5 well ripened bananas……..2 and 1/2 measuring cups of self raising flour…..one tin of evaporated milk…….cook for two hours on high, orrrrrr in my case five hours at who the devil knows …..be careful out there folks 💗

Monday…..🌸, I woke up after a restless night of a somewhat strange internal alarm clock that rudely goes off on the hour every single hour, …. Although I never fret about this any more ,it is however tiring…., I lay here and just feed my latest addiction for Nordic noir tv, ( something about these truely dark hour long episodes that keep me hooked more than anything I’ve seen in a long time, maybe it’s something to do with its glorious rugged landscapes …equally tough but somewhat flawed characters or just maybe those never ending keeping you on the edge of your seat twists and turns of the plots, but whatever it is it holds my concentration, fires the imagination and I’m not too proud to say I’m very addicted…..

Even though I’m awake, (well the light flooding through my half closed eyes tells me so anyhow) I’m still sleepy and ach….., I long for all the world to nestle back down in my fleece blanket nest, maybe listen to an hour of my audio book and drift away , ….but it is indeed a Monday morning and i just on the spare of the moment, I had arranged for a friend to come, pick me up and go shopping together, As you may or may not remember ,I’ve been strict with my food shop over the last few weeks, instead of on that whim just ordering ……I now think long and hard about what I actually need, I allow one shop per week, and whittle that down to a bare minimum…….this includes everything I need to feed myself and my Rabbit Cinnamon, …..I write out lists upon lists, scrub and add items over and over, ( this same list which I invariably,….. ok always leave behind as I walk out the door lol) but just the mere act of jotting it down the night before, seems to somehow keep it memorized in my otherwise brain fogged head……..I eventually rise from my bed, my sore back already shoots a pain through it to my side ( just a quick reminder it’s not going to let me have it easy as if that’s needed …..I do the inevitable sound effects that are part of my aging bodies routine now , the same reminder that tells me I must behave semi responsible, adult ( eventually like it or blooming not we all do have to wake up to realisation were grown ups, I hate it!!!!! , arghhhhh……

I have a swift three minute shower( no more no less) the water being it’s usual contrary self, alternating between really hot and Brrrrrrrr goose bumps on my goose bumps cold !, I sing whatever earworm is my latest( song in your head) loud enough to not only finish waking myself up, but everyone in any nearby county, Latest song bad habit Ed sheeran, least there’s a little comfort in the fact, I do actually like this song lol). Nothing worse than an earworm you hate….

I’ve fed Cinnamon, get my Garden birds hunger satisfied I’m off to an okish start of the day , I make a very much needed coffee, it’s already well passed coffee o’clock in my time clock , Sun’s over the yards arm or whatever that saying is…..( Yes I know that’s about alcohol, I’ve not quite been driven to this point as of yet!) …….I love that first mouthful of steaming hot coffee ” don’t you”?, No other drop tastes like that the rest of the day……I slurp it slowly with enormous satisfaction, ( this is a time it’s good to have a moment to yourself, just to enjoy and breathe ) ….I get dressed , my makeup on , all the time in my head i,m longing to cry off, …I’m tired, I hurt, I’ve a mouthful of crater like ulcers, that for some reason are like magnets for the tongue, a sore lump under my right breastical that gets made even more painful by that old fashioned torture garment ( The bra!) …..it would be so simple to lay back down, rest my head and sleep, …..but I don’t , stubbornly I keep myself busy … It’s at this point I hear from my friend it’s definitely on( shopping)……And I am in for a treat, we are going to the Range( I’ve never been to one before so keep my mind open, in truth I’ve no idea what to expect ,can’t be that bad right!!!!?. ( thank goodness I didn’t know before is all I can say lol

But before I go out , I must release MR B…..( Who is just that,.?…. a bee yeah I know my imagination know no bounds lol) .. Story goes,,,the day before….I had put out some very long Voile curtains from my bedroom, upon the line( that needed washed before Autumn set in,) Somehow , to this day I will never know how though, . A tiny drone bee had managed to get trapped in one of its many folds, thank goodness they are light weight curtain,s ……I thought I had released him earlier that day, but at around seven that evening, there he was, in all his glorious fluffy black and yellowness, his tiny legs trapped and splayed, it became obvious to me fast that He was… 1… to weak to fly off,…. 2… his legs were not right, …..I picked up my tiny curtain captive , he showed no aggression, no fear , just sitting in my palm, …..I gently put him on a lobelia plant,there he set to work straight away, long curled tongue into the centre of each tiny white flower, he didn’t make any attempt at flight , between the flowers, he just crawled in an awkward fashion, …I knew within an instant I had to shelter Mr B. Over night, it was getting dark , chilly , he would not survive……..I went in found a tub, filled it with flowers and once again no struggling, picked up the exhausted little Bee, He spent the night in my conservatory, no lid on his pot, just tucked up under a pink Carnation head,.. ……And it was with huge joy and somewhat relief, I saw him crawling over his flowers next day, I waited till around 11am , when it was beginning to warm up, no wind so to speak,,,i held my breath , put a tentative finger in the pot, which he promptly clambered up on and there I proudly released my tiny house guest into a clump of lobelia heads, he drank hungrily for a few seconds only, then just suddenly took to the morning sky and I sighed happily, I had helped him on his way…..I was so moved as took to air and he soared…..

I had gulped my coffee , grabbed my bag just in time ,there was Debbie standing looking wonderfully bright and breezy at my door, I am feeling like I should be used as Halloween decor on the front porch ……I did my best to put on the show ( the smile I use like others use a favourite jumper to go out with…..deep down i,m uncomfortable, I have this bone grating sensation in the small of my back , but you would never tell, I’m a master actor, deserve an Oscar at times …..now there’s a thought lol, ….we chatted brightly about our gardens, the odd weather we are having and life’s many great mysteries…..

when we arrived at “the Range”, ……why didn’t any of you tell me about this? it’s like walking around the lake district without the beautiful views, it’s massive in there , ……Don’t get me wrong there’s a plethora of shiny , glittery things that scream at me on every turn of an aisle, I’m like a child at Christmas day, ..it’ even had a massive light up big Ben ewwww, I need one of these, straight away pops into my head…….I swiftly kick my aching ankle ” no Treez, bad woman” …….this happens the further on I walk, …..there’s huge fluffy fleeces , Sequined cushions, light up pictures of snow covered Christmas scenes……..hang onnnnnnnnn! Back space, back space , there’s do what now?, ….did I just seeeeee?????, to late I did! There is Christmas everywhere……I decide the only sensible thing to do is grab what I need and run for the hills …..Debbie has got lost somewhere deep in the undergrowth ,And I’m afraid I will never see her again, … I wonder fleetingly should I call out a team of mountain rescue guys, but decide this may not be wise , they would only come back with a sequin cushion or two each, a Christmas Dinosaur( I kid yea not) or pink fluffy bathrobe,s with matching mules… , ……..I settle for one or two items, look up from the shelves containing endless choice of rabbit treats , to see with horror I’ve no clue where I am or indeed where the entrance had got itself too, ……….if only I had crumbled up some Gluten free bread to find my way backkkkk.!…….after ten minutes I spot a landmark I recognised , the light up Big Ben!!! Yay I’ve found it!!!!!……I pay for my thing,s ,hurry out the doors just in case like on a scene from Harry Potter films, they move and I’m stuck here forever , forced to hunt down my own food or relieve myself behind a twinkling Christmas tree……..

when Debbie finally comes out loaded with her many bags , she finds me sat upon a very useful pile of child’s play sand, it made a comfy perch to wait , I didn’t worry about the odd stares I got from a passing few, which only increased rapidly when my love who, as you know is on video chat 24 /7 began talking suddenly, they must have thought I had one very deep masculine voice , many did a double take…..lol….we did our shopping in Morrison’s.had coffee and made our way home……by then my back had only just held up, ….I put away my items, And realise I’ve no Rye bread, ( none in stock at the shop) ….so sitting down still is just a pipe dream, .I set to making my daily bread , it came out rather rough looking sometime later that afternoon, but actually with a lump of cheese and some sauerkraut tasted damn good, ( either that or I was just really hungry……in the evening myself and Jesse decided to make banana bread , some strange face book recipe that I wasn’t convinced would actually work, but thereby my lovelies hangs a somewhat weird tale I must write you about ……..take care of you as always

Hate to say this, but I’m actually having a ball with this austerity kick, ( I know what your thinking how can doing without so many of life’s little luxuries be even remotely fun) …well In an odd way, I feel almost like i,m bucking the trend, I’m going my own way again, ( again, as in this according to my siblings, this is a typical Treezism) …we are every day bombarded with information, products, things we are often lead to believe we simply can’t live without, ….take the chief source of this, Adverts, …adverts on your tv for example, …your just sat in your own home , scratching things in private, ( oh is that just me 😉) watching that really good series, right at a crucial part, ( biting your nails, on the edge of your seat, your clenching every muscle you have, others you by now have just discovered, actually existed, not visited the bathroom for fear you,’ll miss that bit you’ve looked forward to all week, Annnnd that’s where an annoying jingly blooming advert for some pile cream or tooth paste comes along , ( never confuse these products by the way) it,s just not funny for either end….

Now I didn’t ask for this information, I’m a big girl ( bigger still if I buy the cream filled donuts, icecream, some burger or another being shoved down my throat by a menacing looking maniacal clown with XXL feets, ewwww lucky Mrs M). I can indeed make up my own mind though, what brand of detergent, deodorant or Cake I want, ( believe me when it comes to cake I know exactly what I want, and where to find it in every shop) ….but that’s not what this is all about, I’m enjoying the researching, making something last that bit longer, less waste, less money leaving my account, even just being inventive,

While listening to an audio book for instance, ( free with adverts lol sighs) I discovered that by adding just a cap of bleach to a bowl of cold water, leaving your washing in soak, in it for approximately three hours or so, giving it a bit of an agitate once in a while, before rinsing in a bowl of fresh water , is all it really takes to get your clothes clean.( Shocking right)…hang them on the line and before you know it summer fresh laundry( saving on detergent, conditioner, scented bead things, disinfectant rinse, and everything else you can think of) shocking isn’t it…, …..Now please don’t do what your pal here did, . Picture this scene , Full bowl of cold water, my dark wash in, then add the bleach to bowl( yes you know I did) ……nope nope nope, I now have a fetching yellow ochre coloured stripe down my khaki green shirt…….( Now for me I’m actually not too upset by this, I’m going to finish the job and get myself a new tie dye tee shirt, it was looking a bit aged anyhow) …..but please add the bleach ,stir before adding your clothes, and only a small capful,. Not splosh it in Willy nilly while making yourself coffee……

Also another word to the wise, while making your lunch of things you have in the back of your food cupboards, fridge etc, although filling a wrap with cut up bacon, sliced tin potatoes, home grown cherry tomatoes, shallot onion, herbs ,(slice of fast going hard cheese,that you can now crumble, instead of slice ) taste,s really delicious, … your t shirt doesn’t necessarily what to try it too, those wraps are not made for hot food, this I found out yesterday , ( but on the up side I discovered what boobs are actually for folks, they are for catching molten exploding cherry tomatoes, mayonnaise and melting cheese strings…..my shirt looking like I had just done myself or someone else a world of damage……..yes my imagination is fired with fresh ideas for saving my purse from the poor house…..I’m turning off lights, unplugging things that I had forgotten I had plugged for the first time in months, writing out shopping lists for that once weekly shop….who knew being a consumer rebel could be such fun, I even folded the toothpaste tube up and made it last a whole week more , I squeezed that devil dry folks……Again any ideas would be welcomed and you know I will try it out, keep watching for hour,s of mischief , until next time take care of you folks 💗💗💗💗💗💗,

Back some months ago, I wrote about how I would like to live a far simpler easier lifestyle,.. by which I meant cutting back on the spending I do….most of its emotional spending, from the sheer loneliness of complete isolation, sadness from missing my children, the heartache of not being with the man I love and all that goes with that, then mix this with complete utter boredom, this is as Jesse says often , when youve have yourselves that perfect storm…..half of what I was spending on wasn’t even for me !!!!! it made me feel better about not being close by those i love, so it comforted me to buy them little things, most of which I guess if I’m honest they don’t need or want really( it was all about making me feel better.

I tried as I have said( once previously) and pretty much discovered something about myself from the off ( I was indeed somewhat terrible at it) ok let’s put it out there, I was darn right miserable at cutting back…, I made excuse upon excuse, …I need shopping , ewwwww that’s on offer, Amazon has a sale, someone in the next county said they needed something, And there I was before they finished the sentence, my itchy swiping finger on the pulse at the ready , tablet charged and I’m on Amazon quicker than speeding bullet , ( I’m not joking about the next county bit either it happened lol) …for a few seconds I had that instant gratification, I felt a tingle of excitement , a rush . But it didn’t last of course , minutes later I was back to being bored or whatever emotion I felt at that time.

Before coming on here though, I road tested it out for a while( privately), taking this new found project out for a trail run( before I made an idiot of myself again lol) And this time by gritting of my teeth , ( gnashing them more like lol) …it’s working, I bought my last things on Amazon well over a week ago, they are things I actually needed for my rabbit Cinnamon, And that’s it….I hadn’t food shopped in well over a week , spent any money in general come to that ……this you may be surprised at, but just try it?, It’s a lot harder than one may think, many times I’ve caught myself just in time …And virtually everything costs something …we go back in time and even going to the bathroom cost,s ..brings back memories of spending a penny( it’s an age old Brit thing folk,s, , we used to have slots in our public toilet doors ,you put a penny in to open the door) …..but seriously while sat in the bathroom (ahem) it dawned on me every time I flush, . I am indeed flushing money down the pan….lol

so I began looking round my home with fresh eyes , where else could I cut back… , straight away I noticed a large pack of kitchen wipes. I use wipes for everything, floor wipes,

, widow wipes, bathroom wipes,kitchen wipes ….bottom wipes…yes I was queen of the wipes my friends, then there was my disinfectant fetish, I had Dettol, bleach, Zoflora , disinfectant wipes, ( back to the wipes) I had sanitizer for all occasions, ….we have Germ killing sprays, room scented sprays( what do rooms smell like anyway? ) well chemical,s by the time I had finished, ….I have three different scented washing detergent liquids, ….my house is a pot pourri of chemicalness, I was disappointed in myself instantly, when I bundled this lot altogether,

And it’s not as if im under the influence folks( that being tv adverts by the way not alcohol 🍸) I don’t even watch live Tv, just netflix, prime etc, but then hang on there is that thing with product placement isn’t there !, Sighs, I’ve decided I’m using up all these products I’ve amassed until they run out….then it’s down to cloths instead of wipes, two or three products, like good ole white vinegar , bleach, to replace my cacophony of scents and uses, cutting back on doing laundry daily , turning off lights, buying only the food I need, not the amount I have done up until now,

it’s shocking learning just how wasteful you get ,without even seeing yourself going down this route, I’m looking out for tips and help folks, if you have any please feel free to share , it’s all much appreciated , take care of yourselves and watch out for those add,s , they are going suck you in lol ……😁💗💗

Hi all, i,m hoping I find you ok ..life treating you well and all that good stuff …it’s been a while since my last visit here, which is funny when I consider things. See two weeks ago, I looked back over a quick story I had written last year. This is always fun …You get to see all the faults ,mistakes large gaps etc. On reading it over , I decided to not leave it as it was, unfinished.( I do this a lot) I liked bits of it, I’m no writer you understand, but these wee stories oft appear in my head, they dwell there frustrating the hell out of me as I just can’t get them, out of my head and written up either on paper or via my tablet…

I decided with this particular tale to work on it further ,for an hour per day, if for no other reason than to get in writing practice… For those first few days I found it hard going, terribly laborious, not being disciplined enough with myself to carry it out, . I’m terrible for starting projects, getting bored, disenchanted, or just plain never satisfied with my work…

But as the days wore on, I soon realised not only was this exercise great for filling time, but that same time was actually passing most pleasantly, in fact some days two or three hours would pass unnoticed, I became so engrossed in my character,s ,padding out their stories, And in trying to build up their lives, It was character building for me too,

I’m not only working on this project, Poetry has made a resplendent reappearance, in fact suddenly I find I’m writing again for the joy of it, but in doing this I have been neglectful of my blogging…but then life at the moment has been full of twists and turns. Big events have taking place , one being my long long awaited Divorce ….why long, well it’s taken all told, three whole years long….blame the Covid thing , plus mass incompetence by a few concerned…but it’s over now and I’m finally free,

At first I was very upset , feeling once again a total failure, I had always promised myself I would make my marriage work, come what may, and I worked harder than anyone I know believe me!….but if your the only one that’s putting in all the work, then there’s no doubt about it, that’s one doomed marriage , after giving myself a sound talking too ( yeah I even talk my own head off), some months to recover . I discovered my freedom.. And That’s one odd feeling , suddenly I can dye my hair any colour I blooming want( And folks I sure did,… it was orange , fire engine red, almost blonde ,I did it all with bells on) , I could even crop it short, ( who knew) ( I now have a swanky pixie cut going on) .wear any crazy thing I like, …the huge thing for me, was eating when I liked, ( not the same time every evening) wether I was hungry or not, ohhhhh and food has real flavour you know, …I have a whole shelf of herbs, spices and bottle,s of essences, flavours …onions, I can add onions to my food, oh and garlic, lots of garlic…I’m so excited by this…can you tell ?

my house stays clean for more than an hour,,, I find it you put things away, they stay there!!!!!!!( No really they do) , I can draw at 3am , stay awake all night watching trash tv, lay and read if I so desire, shopping doesn’t have to be done on Wednesday,s yah know.?..😮, And I can do housework whenever the mood takes me….after 35 years these may seem small things to you , but to me it,s bloody fabulous….I love the fact I can play music till my little hearts content ….run about in a big baggy t shirt of Jesse,s without one raised eyebrow…..oh folks you will never know how wonderful that is….

I’m still not leaving my house much yet, (so not totally free), again due to Covid ,being immune compromised and the after Effects of long hauling. But I’m working on that too, . I did however go out with my friend Debbie to a lovely little cafe, it’s new to us both, but one I think I shall take time out to revisit, it served delicious tea, had a whole shelf filled with the most seductive home made cakes, I drooled not stop, till i resembled somewhat like a great Dane with its droolaces, , it was only made worse by my friend most sweetly offering to buy me a slice, …I was strong folks, I resisted its calling, I looked it in the chocolate frosting and refused to be tempted by its wickedness……we chatted away catching up on all our news , Debbies exciting new job, and my latest happenings….

I also have taken to buying myself flowers, it not only fills the house with glorious perfume, but makes me hark back to flowers for mum when she was alive, there was not a week I didn’t take at least one bunch of not more, as I sit cutting off the ends , getting them in the vase, smelling each flower, I’m transported back in time, to my mother’s house, the light flooding through the huge sitting room windows, I would be sat on the floor , arranging them with care, so they looked pretty for her, we would chat, and talk over a book, soap or family, now each big pink star gazer Lily , rose, or freesia, is like a time machine …And not only do I get to enjoy their beauty but it’s a lovely memory to boot…..well folks I’m signing out for now, as my eyes are blurring from strain lol, you take care folks and bye for now xx

Over the past few nights,my old nemesis sleep, once again has somewhat evaded my every attempt, So I’ve fallen into this pattern of contenting myself with just a few precious moments grabbed when my exhausted eyes shut and it no longer becomes a choice but that necessary need, sleep then washes over me and I’m powerless to resist its call, weird disjointed dreams that make little sense full those miments . this now happens even while I’m mid occupation lol, ,( it is rather novel but none the less feeling freaky, . I fell asleep this afternoon while watching one episode of a program , only to wake twenty minutes later to another different topic and actors, my half asleep foggy mind takes to back spinning quickly to process all this new information, which after much effort it does thankfully,

last night my pain meds kicked in quickly and had at least three hours deep restful sleep, I had had rather an eventful day yesterday though, ( being one of the very few days I ventured forth, into the big wide world., A lovely recently found, quite by chance friend came to remind me there is (Actually!!!!!) life outside my house and garden, I’m always nervous about this, and if I’m honest blown away( I hasten to add it’s not that full nerve blown panic attack of yesteryear, ) No this is an odd mix of anticipation, stress of being so tired, and just the sheer speed of how fast the world about me is now days , When you live totally cut off from everything, rejoining the outside seems foreign, fearful even, And although I don’t hate it, but just like waking up to find another episode on the tv, I find it difficult to process, it’s kind of like I am no longer part of it, I find the world is indeed still going on around , but without me none the less.

We arranged to go firstly to a post office, there to send a package containing Jesse’s favourite coffee, ( seems odd sending coffee to an American, Home of the coffee, but it’s his favourite and almost unobtainable there) . I managed this task quite alone, while my new found Friend Debbie waited patiently outside in the car, the chilled rainy Monday morning no place for her yet lol, it was thank goodness in fact empty, . I walked through to the back of a local shop where the little local post office was situated .. apart from one other person It was quiet, so i escaped having to people …….well at least for that moment , I stood behind the tape barrier as required, shuffling restlessly from foot to foot. More people joined in behind me, and I was very aware of their presence, just a couple of years past this wouldn’t have bother me, let alone me take note of it..the mask on my face makes me sweat nervously, water trickles down my face and in my eyes, I just want to get this done and get out, but I am aware I must take my turn, I concentrate on my breathing , which by now is rapidly growing to fast , if I’m not careful I will in fact hyper ventilate, so I shut my eyes for a moment , and count each breathe willing it to deepen and slow, which it does…I do in time though get served and before leaving the shop, I push myself that bit further still , and buy newspapers, more waiting in line, hanging about, ( they are not for me I hasten to add , but for Cinnamon,s ( my Bunny) room , I will do anything for him lol.

From there we ventured to a supermarket, (store, shop,) however you refer to these places, that most normal people go to for a food shop, ( I’m convinced myself it always turns up at your door, well mine has for the last 18 months anyhow, then as we long ago established in not the norm) . This was a big moment for such as I, . One that requires stopping off at the nearest cafe for a coffee to arm my before the next trial commences , And as if by magic , the shop has its own and I drag us both in to caffeine fuel up before the fun begins , ……it’s been so long since I’ve lived amongst my fellow humans though, that I had forgotten all about how these weird fangled creations called tea and coffee machines, how do they work???!, .

I stood back a while leaning relaxed against shopping trolley( cart) for support, hoping someone would come by and use it , my loitering caused a few chance stares, (few out and out ones too lol, ) Eventually I bit the bullet watched over by a very bemused Debbie and lady stood behind her plastic shield barrier thing, I press loads of buttons, ( don’t know what I’m going to get) could be one of those Macky , latte, yacky coffee things, bring back the days of just plain old tea or coffee, I don’t know what I want, don’t give me a hundred to choose from, But I hastily thrust my cup at the machine and by more luck than chance, I do indeed get a black coffee, ( I thought those by now looking on in amusement were going to applaud, ….I glare at the machine as I look back walking away……I have no clue where the milk is?, Let alone anything to try to sweeten this inky black acidic looking brew, ( I swear I thought my cup was going to dissolve if I didn’t drink it quick) ….As if by magic or maybe mind reading Debbie appeared behind me with Those tiny pots of milk and sugar, …as I feared even after two milks, countless sugars, the rapidly cooling by now black mess , still didn’t look any more appetizing, ..in fact I didn’t dare stir it with a spoon , it may melt in this battery acid for an excuse of a coffee, then I would never brave to drink it……

we sat at one of the tables , that were themselves imprisoned behind grotty finger smudged plastic barrier,s, , my eyes never leaving the coffee, in case it got away …well it may have, ( I waited to fight it off ,from going for my throat, ) I decide it may be far safer to drink this stuff before it get,s me!, …..I sip it dubiously, it tastes as it looks, ( like anything coming within its path is about to dissolve or combust) But my companion makes it go down easier, we chat happily about our latest Netflix binge, classic drama,s, music and our mutual love of all things Gardening, Debbie sings in a choir and she recanted takes of events she’s taken place in, And as she does, it’s a joy , this ladies eyes become aflame with passion , the excitement is evident, And I’m taken along for the ride, I can picture the scenes, hear the raised voices, I not only listen intently , I’m with my friends descriptive art ,actually there. Taken from this dimly lit cafe, on a wet Monday morning to a world of music , to a different time, I love the warmth and energy she exudes, as she explains, describes, every finite moment, ….before I know it though we both know we have to indeed do the shopping, but I have loved this brief stay of execution( aka shopping) and so caught up was I , that I had even survived the coffee, ( or had i)????????!

We went or separate ways to shop, and nervously I picked my way about the large store, .having that I don’t actually walk anywhere ever usually, other than around my small bungalow, this is a slow and painful affair, my under worked muscles long ago gone to flab. The conditions I suffer with decide they want to now join in, ( I’m in full flare up) , soon in a world of pain, ….this and not knowing my way about The shop is not a wonderful combination……Then as if feeling left out, the beginning of a doozy of a stomach cramp reminds me of the earlier drank coffee, it’s soon joined by it,s friends…..since I can remember I’ve had stomach issues, but after Covid, this has become shall we put it a much more trickier situation, I have to be within a millisecond of the nearest bathroom, not in fact in a crowded store, with my shopping, that and a loathing of using public bathrooms, sweat soaking me through to my skin, I try distraction, ( you ever tried distracting your stomach?????) Oh look at this lovely erm, food arghhhh! , there’s food as you would expect everywhere , not good lol, ……but with sheer skill, much determination even more clinching of ……….teeth , I make it…..now I just want to get home to my own little home, bathroom before there’s a disaster on aisle 3!!!!!!…… . I have done peopling, they are all very nice I suppose , but at a distance please ….

I locate Debbie ,whose amusing herself by now, looking in a nearby charity shop while waiting for me, Myself I’m just praying she’s not going to want to look at the other shops close, on the way home lol, But luck was, for once on my side, and we are soon on our way back to my home……(Debbie doesn’t just take me out on shopping trips,she also helps me out in my garden) , she’s has soon got out her garden gloves and is setting about any unwieldy weeds daring, to show their heads, while she does that I sit myself down on my trusty garden chair, i,m completely exhausted, both mentally and physically, moving anywhere hurts, moving everywhere causes pain, And just as I sit trying to recover, ,, the battery acid coffee decides to ‘re _visit once more!!!! , I then make the first of what are to be many , afternoon,s hurried bathroom visits……… In Between I feel guilty that i,m neglecting Debbie, I also feel bad I’m not helping out , …..I try in vain , but I’m sapped,…In fact I long actually just to lay down, sleep, rest , relax anything!!!!!, But manners maketh this woman and I persist in my trying to help, although I actually suspect I more than hinder…..After an hour Debbie ,makes her way home, And I’m left with the now all too telling silence, ( I hate it)

Gone is the merry chatter, the companionship, laughter , now there’s just silence again, if anything , I actually feel it more now, ….I go lay on my bed, hoping my exhaustive morning will bring release, in the form of sleep, …..but even now, when I need it most , it is far off, And I feel it mocks me as it goes, ( can almost here it’s laughter)….I didn’t fair any better that night,

Indeed the next morning when I try to leave my bed, my body protests dramatically, muscles ache, I ache and all of me screams ,lay back down, no one will care, ……but I dont, because I care, I need a shower badly, I need to feed Cinnamon too, mostly my by now badly dehydrated body from the day before calls for its caffeine fix, …while I feed Cinnamon, put on the kettle, refill the two air purifier,s with Eucalyptus oils to help me breath, I remember all the things I need to do, I groan out loud and decide , if I manage to shower that day, then that’s ok! I’m ok with that…. Standing a few minutes later, I stand in my chilled bathroom , turn the water around from cool to blooming hot!!!!! And there I just let it run over me , and as it’s does I begin to feel the aches dull somewhat, I lather my short freshly cut the day before hair, letting the bubbles wash down me, ….I decide today’s one of those days that I will use some of the last of what has become my very precious Norfolk lavender companies conditioner , it’s warm deep musky scent fill,s the shower cubicle and I breathe in its wealth of perfume, for a brief moment in not just a survivor , a Covid long hauler, I’m not fighting a thousand battles at once , I’m Theresa the brave and free, I picture field upon field, line upon line of deep purple waving heads sat atop silvery green stalks, and I’m walking pain free through them, Sun upon my back, and warm breeze carrying its glorious perfume, mostly in free, …..when I come back down to earth with a thump, I am indeed clean, fresh scented and if not ready to face my day, least it’s a start ……..ps after extensive research I’ve found where to buy more of the conditioner , plus shampoo to go with, the world’s now my lobster 😉 , take care out their folks , until our next adventure xx

As you may or may not know, ( depending if you’ve ever survived any of my previous missive,s) I have lived alone now for well over two years. With this, due too shielding and Covid long hauling, I’ve isolated completely. I see no one and have grown quite used to the long days and nights of my own company….it has in fact reached to the point, when I do have to communicate with another living breathing human type person, I have to dig deep well into the recess,s of my over active flowing mind to string my than one word sentences, . I mainly Garble or mutter something at them, that sounds akin to actually words.

And you know on the whole, I’ve grown almost accustomed to this solitary life of mine. Except for the past couple of weeks, (what’s new your wondering?) .well just over a fortnight past , I’ve had a terrible head cold, ( well I’m hoping that’s what it is anyhow, not being of the doctor type person, And exceptionally stubborn) I’ve mainly got by thanks as the title above suggests to four hourly top ups of ibuprofen and countless cups of strong coffee, it’s a novel combo and several times my poor battered Angina ridden heart has infact protested , I swear it thought it was a bongo on the odd occasion, on uppers at times lol….but without this self medication, I felt just turning over in bed was exhausting, never mind having a shower or feeding myself. Fevers kept me awake most nights and soaked to the skin ,during the day , I could not for the life of me, reach a happy medium, covers on, covers off, fan on, fan off, covers off and this went on all night,

my air purifier belted out eucalyptus / peppermint combo, 24/7 just to enable me to breathe, any food is tasteless, and my head has a constant marching band going through, But as I lay there in the dark soft stillness of night, I felt a mixture of emotions, not all of it good…..Firstly let me explain there was and is no fear of dying or death itself, ..Death has threatened me too many times in my long life, to hold anything over me these days, The Grim reaper is an old buddy now… I know it would actually bring with it a welcome relief from all the years of pain and trauma of anything, But no this was a depth of loneliness that actually bought a crashing fear around me,,,, like I have never felt in the whole of my existence before.. A deep loneliness for those I love , both alive and those gone on already …..I especially hungered for the sound of laughter from my children’s voices, even hearing the word mum!!!!!!, their faces, sitting in the same room ,sharing moments like we had many times before, …I replayed over and over precious memories made on one of our many walks together, picnics , mushroom picking at dawn, the clashing of personalities, even the bloody mess left in my kitchen lol, all the things that now as a mother left with that permanent empty nest hurts like hell, I’m glad don’t get me wrong , that each have their lives now , . You do after all only get them on loan.

But I miss that small warm sticky hand in mine, the constant question,s, and being ill brings this to the fore, I dream constantly of them, …mostly as small children , playing , running,And my house ever full of their friends voices and laughter, a crazy hotpotch of teen,s and an equally lunatic mother figure, they all took to calling me mum lol, (not sure who parented who, half the time mind,. But what I knew as sick as I felt then, I would do anything to go back to those moments willingly, ….Then when I closed my eyes I saw the outlines of my dogs, Willow, Marley, Kaito, Briar, I can’t even begin to express the pain of not having them close , I still feel willow climbing on my bed at night, his warm, little presence there on the bottom of the bed or laying on my pillow above my head, but it’s wishful thinking, these are just long ago ghosts that now haunt me…ghosts that are so close yet just out of reach….they taunt my weakest moments , times when I feel alone the most,

until then I had always believed that I could survive within my own company, that being alone didn’t necessarily mean I was lonely, but now I have to accept the facts, I hate this constant solitude,. …I’m a deep believer that everything happens for a reason, And maybe I needed this time to reflect, recover and learn to stand alone, but I’ve communed enough now with my god, I know more about myself then anyone’s a right to do lol, ..And whatever I’ve done in my past that needed this punishment, I’m sure two years of solitary confinement is enough, …what hurts above all is those that bought this about mess, I’ve tried to atone for those past transgressions if indeed I had any regarding these folks, but for the life of me I can’t see them, ….the only person I’ve hurt in my life ,I’ve apologised to countless times, And because of this person,s forgiveness, I’ve changed beyond recognition, I became far better, warmer, and vowed never to knowingly hurt anyone in my lifetime, . So as I lay deep in thought , I asked of my god, what more can I do for you, I’m ready to answer for whatever you feel I’ve done, But lift this weight and let me know freedom for a while before I go on), let me know love, not the sham of love that caused me heart ache an brutality no real honest love, let me also feel the arms of the man I love about me( even once more) when darkness brings with it its demons, before life comes to a close, ….No one can inded know the pain of a constant separation from some one who keeps them walking this earth as I do, or that of a mother not being with her family , hold those your love close and your loved ones even closer because we live in a harsh world right ,full of uncertainty, stay well and be careful 💚