This is my third attempt at writing this, first draft was just not turning out how I envisioned, somewhat rubbish,,Second the words just wouldn’t behave, it just would not fit what I wanted to get across……This is my third and the very last attempt at a subject close to my heart, probably the reason doing this is proving so hard, but If it doesn’t look right, I’m giving up ….nah i,’ll just leave it for another day…

Saturday

I woke up early, to what was the most beautiful sunny spring morning, sky was that light cobalt blue, not even a whisper of a cloud in sight, the Forecast was for the same, all day, And so I had now run out of anymore excuses as to why not pot up the fast growing plug plants..I had to pass them each time I went out to feed my birds,or hang out the laundry. And I swear they sit up that bit taller and wave their tiny leaves in the breeze more, making me feel guilty for their sad neglect, I hung my head in shame as I passed them, quickly, very quickly, .trying hard not to note their tiny roots bursting out the tops of their little plastic cells, I turn and look their way just once, muttering ” I’ve watered you havnt I, “” what more do you want” ?😁, .I came in to sit with my first coffee of the day, it’s always the best and sip the warm roasted smooth brew slowly,eyes closed, appreciatively,. I’ve thrown open the Windows by now, for that fresh morning air to clear away yesterday’s funk…As I sit, waiting for the sweet morning hit of caffeine to reach my still sleep befuddled brain..I realise I’m at the bottom of the cup, My heads still muzzy, and unless anyone knows of a brand of coffee that comes in a slow fed industrial strength throughout the day, then I’m on my own🙄, ….Everything including myself, moves in slow motion, wading through molasses speed…I can’t string a thought together, let own speak, have use of real words….

But despite this growing morning Malaise,. I can’t rest, I feel deeply guilty, (those poor little plants) it’s almost as if they were capable of some weird sort of telepathy, getting through to my sleepy brain, with special plant powers. (I’ve seen day of the triffids I know what they can do,.they may look all sweet and blossomy, but we eat their fruit, pick their flowers, their plotting revenge, I know it😁😁😁😁😁, . So the usual routine of another one or two hot cups of nectar from the coffee bean gods is out, …No I go back outside, plonk myself down without much decorum upon the red front tiled step and with a sigh,. look about me for where to begin that mornings gardening fun…First I cut a cross, deep into the middle of a large bag of Miracle grow compost, it’s with some perverse satisfaction I do it too,😁 (I’m really not in a gardening frame of mind, those gardeners amongst us know what I’m saying). My body is still sore, my shoulder had gradually slipped out of its socket over course of the night, my knees ached, creaking and snapping each time I moved, all I had really wanted to do was take some pain meds and lie back down and wallow in my misery…but living alone there’s always things to be done( no time for woe is me), you only have yourself to rely upon…(And these plants unfortunately would not!!! no matter how clever I thought they were plant themselves….

I tried using an old plastic plant pot to scoop out the compost, from its bag…this was indeed a lost cause, instead of neatly transferring the soil from bag to tub, I transferred it over the step, beside me, the pavement, front porch and myself, only a small amount actually landing in the intended garden tub…there was only one thing for it…I was going to have to lift that blooming bag of compost and shake it soundly into the waiting tub…ungainly I managed to get up from my sitting position on the step, grabbing the opened bag, lifting it up, my shoulders protesting,. I hurt, ached and if it wasnt for the fact I had by now promised myself I would get at least one tub planted up, I would have given up right there, (And my stubbornness means I really hate giving up once my minds set). So I carry on, as I do though I discover its not easy to both hold a large bag of heavy soil in two hands, while shaking said content into waiting tub….I just want to get it done, I’m in no mood for messing with it, grumbling to myself I manage to shake small amounts into the pot, not just the pot though, it’s going everywhere but actually, including my bare feet….

After many attempts, I do finally manage to fill the tub, I plonk down the remainder of the now half empty bag, relieved all at once of its weight upon my aching shoulder… sitting back down, I begin the tiresome job of potting on….I’m not getting the usual enjoyment from it, it’s half hearted, tiring, but getting done…I promise myself if I get just one pot planted up, I can go in and have another coffee, So I work on…popping out tiny Impatients, Bright purple Verbena, and leafy lobelia from their green plastic cell homes into the now sun warmed compost filled tub, I work methodically, big plants to the centre, smaller to the outer edges, …I’m finally getting into the task at hand, I’ve forgotten I’m outside my flat in my Purple polka dot pyjama bottoms …(it’s my thing see), if my joints are hurting, trousers just expound the issue For me,, for some reason having anything around my legs just pull and makes the pain increase….Pjs are usually soft stretchy fabric, that give with any movement, …So there I am, chatting to my plants, as I dig them in, I barely take note of the car pulling up in front of the house opposite …so engrossed was I at the chore in hand. Then I hear a voice, “There she is, my new neighbour gardening” ” Exasperated voice rose” still in her Pyjamas “. .then as if realising I may just have heard, she makes a point of coming over….maybe to get a better look, or she has Purple PJ envy…whatever it is, she’s glaring…

And I’m torn between explaining my dress code, and growing anger inside of me….I had been in more pain than usual, (pain is no stranger) I was born with it, EDs, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome…it has meant pain since early childhood, one illness or another, never having good health….but since the Great Covid plague of 2020, my issues were only compounded…each days a struggle, some far worse than others…and today had been one of those, I’m soaked through to the skin in preparation, having hardly done anything, feeling sick with pain, but not wanted to give into it, I push my body till it makes me give in…I stay polite, friendly, as we do than usual small talk, ” the lie that trips so easy off my tongue, oh yes I’m fine, settling in well, ” I smile, no one wants to hear it, who wants to know about the pain, dehydration from endless stomach issues, chest pain, and feeling like poop..!!!!…So curtains rise, and I’m on stage…smiling, laughing…but inside I want them to go, because this lie may be little but the exhaustion is huge…Soon as my neighbour walks away I long to go back in the flat…lock the doors, close the Windows, hide…guilt wrecks me, it’s 12:30pm and I am still in Pjs, all be it clean ones, but I feel lazy, useless, it eats into me, So I complete my tub and go back inside…

All day its playing on my mind, going round and round in my head, I don’t go outside, no more for that day….I,m made to feel ashamed, I long to knock on my neighbours door, And explain about the EDs, long Haulers, justify myself, ….but I stop myself in time, because all my life, I’ve put this act on, that I’m alright,, I’m doing well,. when really inside I’m hurting…from early childhood, And the Physical Ed teachers pushing me to take part in sport, my mother thinking I was clumsy, lazy, lacking education, …The truth is my illness is not written on the outside, there’s no tell tale signs, I keep my bowed knees covered, the bent out of shape ankle, indeed to the world well….I’m just that, ok!….

Since this my neighbours throw away words have had a profound effect on me, …inside my head is a turmoil, ..once again I hate the fact I wasn’t born ” normal” I cannot do what others take for granted…I do my best though, always pushing myself, I feel instantly for the thousands of us that exist with silent illnesses, hiding behind that lie of a smile And the words “oh me yes I’m fine” …because what else do you do?…So if you see someone working outside in their favourite purple polka dot pjs, it’s most likely me, and I make no apologies for it, because if it’s that or me staying locked away in my house, then it’s pjs all the way…..Thank you for your time reading, to all my fellow invisible illness sufferers I wish you not to many pain filled days, send you love and understanding, And to all, take care of you …❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤x

I have already been at my new address now a month. (I know😲. And that’s gone so very fast.) It has taken a while for me to feel somewhat settled and at home, but that’s not really any surprise, after all the drama of finding somewhere to move too! Rent issues and unpacking the myriad of boxes it seemed only just yesterday, I managed packing up. Although I like my smallish and some would say Bijou flat (remember that 70s word😁) which indeed has its quirks, foibles, oddities… for instance there is one cupboard door that opens up the wrong way and smacks loudly against the kitchen wall every time I need something from it. Then there’s the small four foot tall cupboard space that tapers down into a long triangle at one end, this is in my bedroom. And I’m quite sure that it wants to kill me. (No, I promise you… it really does! Since being here I’ve smacked my head on an almost hidden shelf in this pitch dark recess numerous times now… it’s also back breaking getting in there in the first place, even for my diminutive 5’2” height.) Lacking of storage space makes putting things away a novelty, but essential and I’m becoming very inventive, if not obsessed these days.

But despite its flaws, it’s crazy lay out, I’m bonding with my new home. It has got some lovely features, like it’s wonderful quietness. I never until recently knew I valued peace quite so much until the last three weeks. My living room window affords a beautiful view of the sun setting in the evenings and, as it does, I hear the blackbirds singing their evening song before they roost. This tiny Cul-de-Sac takes on a lovely sense of calm and tranquillity, a hush. Dog walkers have walked their dogs by now for the night, neighbours finished chatting outside their houses, traffic noise seems far off, distant from us. And, as darkness moves in and envelopes the quiet street, everything seems to hunker down and settle in. Likewise I follow it’s lead. A lit table lamp sets a warm glow about the room, my fake coal heater flickers and glows. I’ve eaten dinner, then calmness follows.

This week my friend Debbie appeared out of the blue (or at least via the front door anyhow,😁) wanting to know if i would like to go out for an hour. I gratefully grab at these rare opportunities, as they are indeed somewhat few and far between. Plus I do enjoy her company. She has a sense of fun, a joy for life and one can’t help but leave your troubles, concerns behind when with her. We mostly do a shop, but after, we like to make free at any local garden centre… gardening being a shared interest, a big passion for us both. Tuesday I bought way too many plants. They all just seemed to want to come home with me, never mind I’ve no garden, indeed I’ve only room for a few pots😁,

We always laugh about just how much we cram into her tiny Nissan Micra, it’s boot already heaving with a food shop. We then precede to fill the back seat, which, in no time, is covered by one rather large and unruly Fuchsia bush, trailing Lobelia, some sweet scented stocks and there’s, of course, the obligatory three large bags of compost I just had to have. Giggling away about that days treasures, we head to the nearest coffee shop to discuss the week and our future garden plans.

When we arrive home, we empty the poor car 😲 (I swear at times I hear it groan with immediate relief). From there on we decided on doing some investigation into what is called somewhat loosely a communal garden. (We only think the communal gardens! 😁 We know for certain there is some somewhere.) We are just not a hundred percent where yet. There’s this patch that I can see from my bedroom window that looks to have been a beautiful garden at some point, full of mature, hardy bedding plants, largish shrubs and, though it’s somewhat overgrown, bedraggled even, it could be nice with some love. Then offset just to the right is, or was, what I can only presume to be a shared washing area. I’m not just good at guessing by the way or tapping into residents past, 😁 someone, at one point, has strung out three strands of green nylon washing line. It looked old and neglected, as did the concrete based surrounding,

From every crack, gap in the fence sprouted great thorny bowed arms of brambles. Not only did they hang at eye level over the fences, they snaked along the ground, each thorn as long as needles, ready to impale you at any given moment. Sycamore saplings, bi-coloured strands of ivy, the largest dandelion leaves I’ve ever come across, spire-like foxgloves, blue periwinkle and, of course, nettles… lots of nettles. The day was dull, damp and dreary which only added to make it seem somewhat depressing and sad to see the small garden so neglected. Rubbish was hiding under thickets of weeds, beer bottles of parties past rolled by somewhat ghostly. But I, at once, with my gardener’s heart, could see it much much differently. Here with care, some tending, maybe a little patch of Eden could spring to life… an oasis where the brambles now waved menacingly in the May breeze. As we walked away, I already knew I found a much needed project, something to breath life into. It was going to prove hazardous, if not dangerous, in places, but the challenge called my name .

That afternoon I took my coffee and phone with Jesse in his video chat land, to sit out on the front step of my flat. Debbie has given me several large down-filled purple cushions which make the somewhat hard step comfortable. I sat enjoying the warmth of the early May sun, sipping my drink, plans for my garden project fresh in my head. The flat and new area grew on me. No one seems to bother me. I can sit here in my silence, taking in the birds who flock to my feeder which I’m now having to fill several times daily. (Word has got round from a little bird. 😁) One large blackbird family in particular are regulars… little cheeky sparrows, noisy bands of boisterous starlings, fly in also. But one visitor in particular already has me intrigued. He’s a young Grey Squirrel, brave enough to sit at the end of my path, tail flicking back ‘n’ forth, just watching me as I did him. He looked at me almost expectantly, head jauntily cocked. (So guess who will be adding nuts onto this week’s shopping! 😁) We go on eyeing one another curiously. Then along came the enraged sparrows who, by now, consider my bird table their territory, swooping down low at his head, making several bypasses to warn him they meant business, then actually skimming the top of his head to leave him in no doubt. My new found friend, with a last look and an irritated flick of his bushy tail, was off… these pesky birds were trouble.

I have now began work on the abandoned clothes line area, somewhat tentatively in the beginning… didn’t want some angry neighbour feeling I was stepping on anyone’s toes. The day was warm. Light winds kept it bearable. I found I enjoyed the task immensely, cutting back the brambles that were armed with huge needle daggers and not afraid to use them. Within half an hour, I ached, but had made huge headway… my garden bin filling up fast, but it was satisfying to see where I had been. That afternoon I left notes in my new neighbour’s letter box, explaining what I was about, inviting them to lay claim if it belonged to them or they wanted anything. One neighbour arrived later that day, making it clear that no one had been near the garden in some time and if I wanted to use to go ahead. And I have.

Who knew that I had needed this wild, untamed and abandoned piece of neglected garden, almost, I would say, as much as it needed me. I would love it back into its former glory, leaving intact some of the climbing ivy, trailing passion flower I unearthed, pink flowering gooseberry, foxgloves, and cotton Easter whose berries will be a much needed feast for my bird friends come the winter months. My arms bloodied by the rampant, thorny bramble, even poking through the thick leather gloves I had hated so much wearing, I could only work in small bursts… spells of ten minutes. Muscles I hadn’t used in a while aching, sweat forming beads on my face and scalp. I was sore, scratched to hell, filthy and tired, but seeing this progress felt good. I straightened up somewhat gingerly and surveyed around the perimeter. A good hours work! I knew I would pay dearly for my endeavour, but I didn’t care, my labors had emptied my troubled heart and mind. I felt hungry for the first time in weeks, but what was best I had plans, MY plans. Enjoy your day my friends and take care of you. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹x

I have this Story, one that ive longed to tell for some time now, The only thing is i wish I could document it with the correct descriptive wording that I know it so fully deserves, ney, needs,. Never before have I wished so much to own the gift of a words, that know how to impart fully and to its up most the story of three of the most remarkable therefore special souls, Who each came one by one into my life, changing it irrevocably,.. .But I vowed to do my level best to tell their stories, in thus doing, bringing them somewhat back to life, .I there for hope, I don’t miss lay some of its importance, expressing the love and joy in the telling, …. First I must go in time, time travel back to that very beginning,Some nearly thirty odd years previous,The early 90s, (before the millennium, twin towers, when Google was in its infancy, and children still played outside) A time when my three children were young,and though we didn’t know it yet, our lives were about to change forever. My youngest son Andrew, who at that time would have been just over four years of age,.he was bright, full of curiosity, And lead me a merry dance as young children do, late April as we rushed about, preparing a birthday party for him and his cousin, Andrew had the most horrendous accident, one that to this very day,,, Still very much haunts us both., There times to this day when I close my eyes to sleep the flash backs begin, If hear young children scream even in fun, My will heart race and I relive each and every moment, i hear his screams over and over…, the day replays, the sights, sounds and smells…. How many times we nearly lost him in the weeks that were to follow, .. Just like many mothers that have gone before me….I would walk out of my house,, stand in the local fields that surrounded us, look up skyward and plead with my God to save his,Made my poultry offer of mine in its stead, if need be take me., but leave him to grow up, as it should be, parents should never have to lose their child… I Prayed endlessly to Any God, I thought would listen,even those that wouldn’t… And wether it was prayer or medical intervention, Andrew did indeed survive, he had the scars, but he was at least back home, healing, back among us, his family…..that should have been the end of it, life should have returned to normality, but he wasn’t to be the only one to have scars it seems…..

Some weeks later, when it was all over and while walking the children to school on a beautiful summer morning, I felt this huge bang dead centre of my chest…then a strange fluttery sensation, My head spinning, leaving me feeling, the only way I can describe it as weird and somewhat disoriented…..I stood motionless there on the street feet planted firmly, almost frozen still, it passed, then I went about my day, thinking no more of it…… Over the weeks and months that followed, these attacks not only grew in severity, but indeed frequency, …I began to dread leaving my home, (Scenes played out in my head, horrors like what if I fainted, what if I died outside, leaving my children alone by a roadside, in danger,!) I tortured myself daily with what ifs, setting off events that lead to panic attacks, anxiety, to such an extent i just stopped even trying to go out, ..I lost a job, one I loved, my liberty and alongside it all self respect ….This was to go on astonishingly, for yet another 10 long years, I didn’t set one foot over my door threshold, People actually didn’t think I even existed, ten years of sheer agonising over how I would ever get any form of a life back, not be a burden on my family, friends, those I loved, watching the years pass from my perch of my bedroom window.

My children grew up with me living day by day on my nerves, depression, severe agoraphobia, hating being alone in the house, yet at the same time also not able withstand anyone visiting us either…….Now lets move along some years, Here is where the story begins, After the heart breaking death of my much loved German shepherd Wolf,. Our other dog Murphy(A rather bouncy, white Boxer staffordshire mix)Went into a sharp and rapid decline, life just slowly ebbed out of him, he showed no interest in being his normal playful self, the trickster, clown, I long for him to get into mischief as he had previously….over the months i actually was convinced infact if i didn’t act fast, We would lose him too,(this was unthinkable)So I took the rather drastic step after a long heart felt search,. Some months on, I bought home another German shepherd, a ten week old puppy …..Murphy loved him from the minute I placed him on the floor in front of him, to Greet….it was a bond that would go on to no no boundaries, that puppy was our Marley…..

Marley ….

Just like his predecessor Wolf, was to become my shadow, he watched my every move, followed me everywhere…Even as a puppy he wouldn’t leave my side for a second, …People were to later remark on it, just how close we were….it was only then that I realised, I had a huge decision to make, (A tough one for me) if I was going to be fair to this new arrival, I had to take courage and leave the confines of home for the first time in years.., He would need walking, training, socialising, Veterinary trips, And this was my responsibility, ( Our Murphy being the happy soul he was, would walk with anyone, As long as he went out, he didn’t care who with or how frequently) But Marley was a dog of a very different colour, he refused to leave the house with anyone but myself, We tried often for his sake, but he was to remain steadfast in this, I was his human and if I didn’t go out, then why should he…..And by jingo he never did either, Over the months that followed, I had got to the point, I could walk locally up and down a long alley that ran the length of our street ,with either Marley or Murph….it became our little thing…..I still couldn’t stay in the house alone though, but small steps lead to me at least improving, seeing some daylight,. Marley became my shadow, climbing up onto the sofa and laying across my lap during panic attacks, no easy thing considering the size of him,(he was called the monster by his vet, for his size and strength alone) but his presence bought me great comfort, his protection and warmth soothing away fears, he taught himself from very a young age to watch out for any slight different behaviour, then keep his eyes on me until it passed…he was intuitive, And I learnt to trust his instincts …

Willow……

Willow came into my life also at that perfect moment, a moment when I had became very ill with breast Cancer, (it funny like most of our dogs they happened along at the most opportune of moments, entering our lives when we were indeed most vulnerable) …He was born a surprise lone Jack Russell puppy, to our friend,s dog, ….The moment I heard of his birth, I knew I wanted him to be part of our family, can’t tell you to this day why….not sure I will ever know really…but as sick as I had become during my Chemo treatments,. Instinctively I knew, this small, scrap of fluff should be mine,.. Some could and maybe should, say it was a fool hardy undertaking,Others somewhat selfish, But that moment the warm little bundle of white fur went into my arms, I felt a fresh new rush to fight,… hope within my sick body slowly grew…..And along with Willow a puppy depending on me fully for his every need, How I fought…..My heart had been irreparably damaged by the Chemotherapy, that was to go on,to save my life,. but all the while I never lost sight of what I wanted….. From the day we collected him, Willow had taken to laying each and every night either on my chest or above my head, all while that I slept….he never left me, him close one side of me and Marley as big as he was, cramming himself into the tiny gap beside my bed and the wall, both every watchful, …..Murphy as much as he had loved me also, he was my son’s dog…..these two were indeed good family dogs, but I was their human, Marley checking on me several times in the night, a huge wet nose smooshed into my face, eyes staring unblinking until I reached across and caressed his big broad fluffy head, that satisfied him, I was indeed ok, he sank back down on the floor with a huge sign and resumed sleeping……

Just a few years on from this, We sadly lost our Murphy to the brain tumour, that had been growing steadily over the five years since losing his friend Wolf, Even with Marley and Willow for company, he was never quite the same happy dog,Dogs grieve just as we do, never fully recovering, hurting just as much as I had myself,….We swore we would infact from then on just remain with the two dogs, Marley and Willow….we were a happy little band…..or thought we were that was until one Saturday morning……

By this time I had worked hard to make huge progress with leaving the house, this was aided after yet another long illness put me in hospital for some weeks and having very invasive surgery, After a month for recovery i could now go out in a car or a taxi, Struggling somewhat still with walking outside though, but least I finally saw family, friends and left my four walls, ….That fateful Saturday we were visiting family…In a darkened, quiet, flat laying asleep was a little black and tan curled up in a ball like figure, He didn’t even make the effort to get up to greet us, or look our way even come to that ,just raising one tan eyebrowed eye at these strangers entering his home…, then ignoring us still further, Not to be put off, I went over picking up the small lifeless pup, Sat him on my lap, cuddling his warm lovely puppy smelling body close into me, If I could have left right there and then with him under my jacket I indeed would have done so….but he wasn’t mine…he tolerated my attentions gracefully, but there was no bond, no instant knowing, like I had with any of my other dogs…..there in the very next moment, stood a lady, someone I had never previously met before,. And In her arms lay a rather plump red puppy, his coat so unusual, almost like burnished copper, this pup looked almost knowingly at me..I him, And a link was forged, a link just like Marley before him, willow also….I found these words, is he needing a home leaving my lips….Before I couldn’t stop them, And he was in my arms, kicking my face, from that moment on ……

Kaito….

We took Kaito home, and although his was to be Luke, my son’s dog, he settled immediately into our home, Marley taking him under his wing, And my second in command when it came to teaching this boisterous red devil his manners, without his aid this would have been far more difficult, Kaito being a Rottweiler, Ridgeback mix, was uber intelligent, quick to learn, but also extremely strong willed, stubborn….He was different from any dog that I had ever lived with, almost like an unwieldy teen…he defied me, pushed me to my limits, but we never gave up….he was ours, part of the family…And so my pack formed….

Marley as I have already mentioned was my second in command, I gave the rules, he enforced them, the whole time, eyes on me, questioning, Is this right? , this What you wanted?, He was the eldest, with his size and muscle, neither willow or Kaito argued this…If I wasn’t there they looked to him, . We had a flow, a synergy, Moved like one entity, I would go on to joke, they never went on to become part human, as most dog owner do, instead they taught me subtly to become part dog….I watched how they responded to each other, their movements, little flickers of their eyes, ears, sounds, I had the most wonderful and unique opportunity to study pack life…And they integrated me into it over the months,

The two larger boys Marley and kaito, Were the watchers, guards, if one slept the other wakeful, responding to every little sound…if I was awake all three slept, I watched over them,….They ate all three together, Marley first, Willow next, then Kaito, never bickering over food, toys or my attention, they seemed accept Willow was the lapdog anyhow, sniffing him as he lay curled up on my lap under the blanket early in the morning…we rose at four, before the sun climbed, before dawn and we all moved downstairs in the dark,. Even on the coldest of winter days, I sat with the back door wide open, curled up under fleeces to read, Willow there on my lap, the big lads curled in balls at my feet…this was our time of the day, if I moved, we all moved…still suffering with Anxiety I left the house rarely, only to shop or walk them on a close local field…we lived 24/7 happy in one another s company…I found I was never lonely, Therefore for some reason not needing, the company of my fellow humans, I had my pack, them me…..

If I did leave them to go shopping, or on some rare occasion, I felt odd, disjointed, lost somewhat….humans became strange, I didn’t feel any connection now, at odds with my own race….they moved fast, their voices harsh, and I couldn’t read them, ….with my pack, I had their unquestionable loyalty, they always had my back, I never for one second had reason to doubt this, ….Humans could be cruel for no apparent reason, dogs never did this….in living amongst my dogs, they taught me a whole new language, a way of life, but in order to live like this, I had to lose my own…and did with an ease, a willingness. I didn’t understand humanity now anyhow, what I did understand was life within my dog family.On coming home, They all greeted me with series of high pitched yips, and excitement, leaping and jumping, fetching of toys, ..I took time to greet each after a few moments…we settled back to normality,

As the years fled by, I didn’t just reside amongst the dogs, I learnt from them, the way they integrated among each other, their strengths, loyalties, love, it really was unique, and one i am convinced I will never have the chance or opportunity to witness again….I didn’t just learn from these wonderful dogs, I grew in strength, trust an ability, soon I had to spend a number of days in the house alone….take into account just years previously this would have filled me with terror….I was of course nervous, but after the first hour, the dog picking up on my anxiety, they calmly lay about me, and within all this sense of peace, ease, I too settled back down….we went about the day as normal, they were a little more protective, reacting to noise from outside more, investigating every sound, keeping an eye on my movements….I have to say after the initial fear, I enjoyed the us, my time working as the team, the flow of pack life.

Each dog I walked alone, it was their chance to have my full attention, it went on a certain pattern Marley the eldest, my second, always first out, then willow, last but not least kaito…each dog enjoying being with me, I taught the certain commands by sign…tapping my chest meant sit and stay, a raised hand meant lay, tap by my eye meant watch me….it went on, they were quick and watched for new commands from me, these were vital at times, for if I suffered an anxiety attack and couldn’t breathe, they became even more attuned for signals, ….my faith in our small merry band was total, I believe theirs likewise…So my anxiety lessened over time, I cannot begin to explain the relationship, it’s one most would struggle to understand, but would I do know…I opened my heart and mind to live amongst my pack, I have never been the same since, I’m convinced I was taught far more about humanity from three dogs, than my own human family, the tightness of bond, trust, relationships, loyalties, love….Sadly over the years each left me, little willow first, his last hours spent alone in our unit, curled tight up on my lap, before he left I whispered I love you, And will come and find you….that’s a promise I aim to keep, one signed by our love and trust ……Marley was next, his huge size and strength eventually going against him, his legs giving out on his sixteen year old body….It took an hour for the vet, and enough medicine to knock out a small pony to get him to finally leave me….fighting it all the way…the last words he heard in his huge radar ears were, I love you, but it’s ok, your watch is over…..his head flopped, eyes dulled and he drifted away….I heard his foot step behind me no more….a light left that day….piece of me went with each dog….that left just Kaito….big strong Red kaito…..I wasn’t there when he passed, I couldn’t whisper the words I had longed to, he never felt my hand on his head, as the others had, but I’m convinced our bond let him know….now there’s no pack…

And I feel naked, lost and alone without them, I foolishly search for their qualities each dog had, in my human brothers and sisters, course it fails, dogs like myself love unquestionably, fully, bravely without caveat, there’s no price attached to their loyalty, it’s just there….dependable, forever, and that’s a trait few humans have learnt yet…..I grew up in a family of many…but it was to be my pack family that taught me most….it was priceless and a love I can never repay…..for Marley, Willow and Kaito….There are no boundaries, there is no time limits, there’s no place you can go that I can’t find you…..until then …..I love you….

It has been some weeks now since I was able to be still in body, mind or even spirit to think remotely clear enough, let alone actually string full sentences together for to Blog…As you may or may not recall, (some of us, me mainly struggle to remember our names these days)but back in early January, I was given my notice, to quit my rented accommodation,. I had lived there quite peacefully and happily for some 18 months,loving it being tucked away from view, the tiny bungalow had indeed really suited me well, with its small private courtyard garden idle, … So when it came to leaving neither, I or my friends could possibly begin to know or understand just how hard it was going to be to find another rental home…

I had listed with countless estate agents, joined online housing sites, And was indeed most grateful to my friends from around the world who generously gave up time to join in with our endless search,(they are all now much more better acquainted with the British rental market, than they could want or need to be. Each Bing of a notification sound for an email, bought with it not only fresh hope, but indeed more often than not disappointment, . Mentally my mood hit a downward spiral, I would kilter off into blackness for long periods of time,cutting myself off from humanity, fear keeping me awake most nights,..scared of being homeless, no place to call mine, not even short term,

As I packed each box then stacked it carefully in any available corner, out of the harms way, (and believe me there were not many spare corners to be had in the small three room bungalow)the fear only intensified, I know all too well, moving is indeed one of the most stressful things that we will all need to do at some point in our lives, but I’ve done it five times in as many year’s now,. Each time has been alone,harder than previously .. I also Suffer from an inherited illness called EDs (Ehlers Danlos) syndrome, which means pain is a huge factor, along with its many other little peculiarities…And although I do have a very high pain threshold, it still became immensely frustrating at times when my mind wanted to achieve certain things for that day, And my body broke down and refused flatly to work with me😁…Still pack I did, this had a two pronged effect, one was while I pushed myself ever onward, I could not sit under my thoughts, of any day now becoming homeless, the other was physical and mental exhaustion…

Each morning after a shower and coffee, I wrapped the worst affected parts of my body in wide bands of brightly coloured kinetic tape, it’s a god send it really is, Preventing me from over stretching joints, thus subluxing, causing yet more pain, each day more of me became covered, therefore every night there was much fun to be had, pulling off the now stuck fast tape, sometimes areas of my skin went along with it…just to add to the fun and frivolity,there were lines of now very sticky black adhesive residue left in its wake, which meant everything I didn’t want, stuck to me, .Apart from hours of fun picking this off, nothing including showering would make it be gone…..it looked a mess…I looked and felt an even bigger mess

I received still more daily emails, with yet more unsuitable properties, most just not right for someone with my disability needs, others right but either too large,too small, steep stairwells, only one bathroom upstairs, one advertised without a bathroom😲…not one would allow me to take my companion Rabbit Cinnamon…I became ever more fractious as moving out day approached far too rapidly for my liking, …I pictured myself cold and huddled up someplace alone and scared sleeping rough in shop doorways, hiding away from staring eyes, trying to stay warm on freezing nights…I grew ever more withdrawn, hiding my panic from Jesse and those I cared for…longing to go out, escape the confines of the ever suffocating walls piled high with boxes, yet terrified to venture out just in case I became locked out by my landlady while doing so, ….

I hated having the mess about me, being a type clean person at heart, I tried in vain to keep it as ordered as I possibly could,..all the while living out of boxes, bags amongst disarray… Beyond tired, but in order to sleep one has to feel at least some sense of calm, peace, and I felt neither..I wanted to lose myself in creating, art, music, but again one needs to be grounded, at peace, not so far up in the air that I was touching the clouds, besides I had packed away my art things long ago….

One morning at the end of March, I had at last a reply in response to one of the many properties I had put in applications for, it was a tiny one bed ground floor flat…nothing remarkable from its pictures, but I was going to go look it over that Wednesday…My friend Debbie was busy, so I had to book a cab,and this always adds to my anxiety,…but time was now a factor, we were running out of it … ..I need not have worried though, my cab driver was brilliant, chatty and kept up the conversation the whole drive,,(some thirty minutes each way),When we arrived he also bless his heart came in and looked about the flat with me, asking all the questions I knew that i should have,only now due to nerves, they escaped me…. I knew now I would have been lost without that extra support…..

If only I could have known then, (this indeed was to be the easy part), it turns out I would be in need of a guarantor. Someone to not only make sure I stick to my rental agreement, but agree to pay it if I should renege on my responsibility, …who does one ask ?, It’s a huge thing to ask of anyone…this taken care of, Came the endless paperwork, small forests, a gallon of ink needed, emails, phone calls back and fourth to offices, this all took over a month, all I could do after was sit on the edge of my chair and wait for the outcome…..

update……

On Wednesday the 13th of April I moved into the small flat, my removal guys arriving at 9am, .Once again I hadn’t slept, but I was at least now ready, the guys were amazing, making it as painless as they could, while I sat, feeling a hindrance, a burden …..they worked fast and with well ordered flow, it’s amazing to watch…box after box, bag, sofa, chest of drawers, one by one my things left, the friendly little home, suddenly became hushed, silenced, still and empty, Debbie was there bright and cheerful, chatting away as she does, this was good as by now I was going into something akin to shock….I was closing down rapidly, Exhaustion robbing me of clear thought…that an the pain meds will do this ….

At 10 am i looked about me as I turned to shut the door, it had only felt five minutes since I had moved in….made it a home,.now it stood empty, cold and hollow, I gave it one more sad look, pulling the door too behind me, i left………We arrived at the flat half an hour later, Debbie, the removal guys, and myself, ..They worked around me in a well ordered flow, …my contribution was,( I had nearly managed to stay sane)….although some may say even this was questionable…Debbie left just after to get a key cut, I felt instantly unnerved without her jovial presence, The guys by now struggling to get through the front doorway with my large red sofa….these guys are amazing folks, And if they couldn’t get it to budge, then no one could I’m convinced.

The big red sofa

They looked apologetically at me as they explained, electric drill in hand, they would have to remove its feet….😲, I watched on fascinated as they worked together tirelessly, trying again after removing the sofas wooden feet, …But it wasn’t to be, I had visions of my oversized big red sofa having to live like some kind of friends extra, abandoned outside, and it by now was beginning to rain( typical)…..but they didn’t quit….next off came the front door😲, this wasn’t optimal, but again necessary…..door off, legs off, And some juggling about, at last in came big red…. we all sighed with relief, and laughed somewhat nervously….

They then not only rehung the front door, but actually didn’t let up until the previous little quirk it had which meant you had to virtually pull off the door handle to lock it, now worked perfectly….they plumbed in the washing machine, put up my bed…organised the boxes, these guys were amazing and I could not have asked for better….As they left through the now perfectly working front door, they wished me well in my new home, There it was, all done and i suddenly felt very lonely, I flopped on the sofa, looking around at what was now to be my house,. Jesse who had been up all the previous night with me, Now fallen into an exhausted deep sleep, I wanted for all the world to do likewise…..but I felt out of sorts, off kilter, this didn’t feel like home, it felt cold, stark, it wasn’t the bungalow, my living room, it all felt strange, I felt stranger…..

So I began the long task of emptying out the boxes one by one, I needed a focus, those same boxes I had just days previous sealed with endless amounts of packing tape, at least twice as the tape came unstuck…..only now I couldn’t get it to open no matter what I tried…alone tears never far, stung and pricked my eyes, …I longed for a friendly voice, the feel of another human being working alongside of me….but here I was the rooms bare cold and unwelcoming, I pulled the only source of comfort I had to hand…my big fluffy fleece blanket tight up around my shoulders, lay down on big red and wept, tears of real tiredness, emotional and heartfelt, I gave into this need, not ashamed at what normally I would have seen as a weakness, today I was just letting all the weeks of pain and tension run free, today was a day for that, And I didn’t care …. Take care of you folks 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐕💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐕🐕🐕💛🐕💛💛💛💛💛x

Monday……

All the previous weekend, I had sat on eggshells (not literally of course😀) but I had been nervously excited at looking at yet another example of rental housing. Yay!!!!!!!! The more the weeks have dwindled away, I grow more weary, somewhat disillusioned, with the whole renting system. I look at picture upon picture of beautiful homes, most way out my price range, others: student lets. Then there’s those with too many bedrooms, not enough bathrooms😮, (no that is a thing really). When I get all these things slotted together, it seems there’s at least ten other applicants all of which also need these requirements. Who knew bathrooms are a luxury!

There’s not only me searching for this special house either, there’s Debbie, my daughter, Jesse… all doing what they can to help. Plus I’m down with every estate agent for miles around. I know there’s some of us who actually enjoy looking at houses (my sister and her husband did this for amusement most weekends 🤔) but to me it’s a nightmare. I have to get my mind into the right frame, then there’s the peopling to be done, going out, talking on phones, emails, questions, getting up an hour after finally falling asleep. And for what… to be told I don’t match their criteria, or them mine? It’s exhausting. Each disappointment brings me lower. Even taking all this out of the equation, there’s the costs.

Monday’s house for instance… it’s the right number of bedrooms, √; has a living room, √; kitchen, √; even a bathroom! 😮 (I know!)… a nice little garden and they would consider taking Cinnamon Rabbit. I could not believe my luck. At long, long last, I thought finally things are going our way. I went with an open mind as advised. This was to be mine and Cinnamon’s new start, our little comfy home. So the adventure began. When we did eventually locate the house it was tucked well away from the others, out of sight. This had involved phone calls from America to the letting agent (that must have caused some amusement), searching of maps (not my strongest point), trekking up one street and down another, trying to find a bright red door. Should be easy, right?😁 Also we were informed there will be a large Jeep stuck outside. The two of us were looking about aimlessly, me with no sense of direction at all. Jesse suggested at one point I might leave a trail of bread crumbs in case I became lost. That, or maybe a rope attached to Debbie’s bumper. 😁 When we did eventually spot the red beacon of a door, the Jeep, followed finally by the ever elusive house number, we were greeted by a very smart, smiling estate agent.

Take into account what I had said in the beginning about an open minds and all that. Well it was surely needed that day! As we stepped over the threshold, I felt I had been carried back in time to the 70s. The were walls of deepest purple and lilac. And just to off set this charming decor, imagine if you will here, bright tangerine-dream orange doors! (No, I’m being serious!!!)😯 I then had to get to wondering about the whole bank of mirrors up in the sitting room wall. (Suppose it could have been worse, least it wasn’t the ceiling.) I ran past the offending mirror wall, as though the ghost of 70’s past was chasing me, straight out into the tiny garden, which, I have to admit, was quite sweet. It did mollify my already jangled nerves at seeing my rear end flash past, even if fleetingly.

Best for last……

But this was just the start of things to come. I could barely wait. With somewhat bated breath, we all walked apprehensively up the stairs, Debbie hanging back by now, wide eyed scanning about her for fluffy dice, prints of big eyed children or clown dolls. But, oh boy, was we in for a treat!! I, for one, couldn’t help but feel my eyes drawn, as I went up the last stair… There in all its purple glory was an Aubergine bathroom suite! 😮😮😮😮 You couldn’t peel your eyes away! We both stood open mouthed, trying to find some words, any words (there were none). What can one say (there was silence.) More orange wood surrounds were, it seemed, an accent feature. Plus, green, red, and yellow. I felt like I had just walked through a spinning kaleidoscope. Colours flashed before my eyes. I turned to see a fast retreating Debbie… she was making good her escape before we were captured forever in a 70s Vortex.

We assured the Agent we would be in touch, or is that be touched? Who knows! But this was just the tip of the upcoming iceberg. Friday, I went to see yet another house, again, from its pictures, I felt this had to be the one for me, surely. Actually, though, if I’m to be absolutely honest, I had felt, if anything, it was too good for me. We had been panic-stricken on arrival Traffic made us a few minutes later than we would have liked. Parking was not only haphazard, but horrendous. It’s Friday afternoon, everyone wanting to get home and start enjoying their weekend. When we did eventually find the road we needed to be on, it was all one way systems. Finally there was only time for Deb to chuck me out the barely stopped car. Everywhere is double yellow lines, jay-walking students, eyes firmly fixed upon phone screens just merrily walking across in front of you. Then there’s the cars trying to parallel park for the sixth time. I’m greeted by an immaculately turned out Jack the Estate Agent standing in the open doorway, clip board in one hand, phone in the other. Quick introductions done, we then entered the house, and from there it all went down hill very quickly. The first room, which I can only presume to be a sitting room, had a very large unmade double bed in the middle of it. We skirt around it… clothes, soggy towels were filed everywhere upon the floor. This was to be just the start of things to come. Each room held its own box of delights. I could tell Jack was becoming fast embarrassed. He said somewhat quietly that the young couple had children!, Okayyyy, I know you have to make allowances with little ones, and I’m certainly no Suzy homemaker, but still I try. It saddened me as we went from room to room. It was obvious even to my untrained eye that the occupants had lost heart, probably also passing from one rental to another… no roots and unable to become attached to anywhere long enough to make it a cozy family home.

I looked it over, trying hard to see myself there in weeks to come, my things about me, making it feel warm and lived in, loved even. But as I tried to go up the very steep impractical stairs, I became worried. The treads were narrow, hard for your feet to take purchase, dangerous even. There was nowhere to hold onto the further up you went. I, at one point, was actually on my hands and knees and, if I’m honest, scared of falling backwards onto Jack climbing up behind me. The upstairs was no cleaner than the previous rooms. I couldn’t wait to escape the confined feel. I just wanted to run home. And that’s when things hit me square in the face: where is home now? I really don’t have one. I’m, in effect, homeless! With a sinking heart, I quickly looked at the tiny sad, neglected back garden, the shed door hanging open on its broken hinges, metal barred window had had all its glass smashed. I felt depressed and sad, as sad as this once beautiful home must feel.

Debbie had been spared this occasion, thank goodness, and as I stood outside once again, in the fresh cool air I heard a friendly voice call my name. Debbie had just pulled up long enough for me to get into the car. I wanted to go home, wanted to hide. Debbie can sense something isn’t right. After I take a deep breath, I tell her. She incensed, angry and as tired of the whole thing as I am. She wanted to phone and complain. I just feel the need to be alone, lock the doors, pull the curtains and hide. We travel back through the busy grid locked evening roads. I pretend to look about me but i’m seeing nothing. I barely take in the chatter Debbie is trying hard to keep up alone. We eventually arrive back. I shoot out the car, swiftly saying thank you and goodbye. I fumble the key in the lock, walk into my fresh clean, sun-filled home, fall onto the big red squishy comfy sofa, and sit… my head swimming with thought. I make a phone call I hat but my choices are few and I need to do what’s best for one of us. Cinnie will always take precedence over my needs… always! I call my daughter.

I choke back tears and ask her if she will look after him. If I’m homeless that’s one thing. He wouldn’t survive. We talk it over, my mind’s eased slightly, as I know he has a roof over his dear little head. I can’t stand the thought of separation; he is not and never will be just a rabbit… he’s my companion. He makes this a home. We are family. I’m used to his loud thumps of disapproval each night I go to bed, the eye that watches me go out the door, then the back that’s turned to me as I come home. We coexist in an imperfect perfect relationship and, all at once, I’m not only homeless but really alone. Anger, hurt and fear visit me one by one. That night I sleep but wake, my heart pounding over and over, nightmares have haunted every night since, but I’m tired, weary to the bone. I feel old all at once. I long for my children, even more for Jesse. I’m past the stage of my heart feeling pain. My soul hurts! I’m broken. I long for days when life was uncomplicated, simple, boring even. I long for peace. Take care my dears… stay safe and warm 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹💙

Thursday……

The night before hadn’t been quite so restful, I had slept off and on, but no actually deep sleep, that healing dream less state, where the mind is at true peace….I think all in all I slept roughly for that usual hour right before I had to rise, (you know what I mean) lol, . I had set two alarms,. one on my tablet, the other on my phone, which was questionable at best, because I was semi conscious at the time of setting both, and the phone I use likes to keep me guessing …but ring they did, their tones harsh and shrill in the cold morning air, also in my poor head. ….I hated getting up, I’m not good first thing in the mornings, (in fact I know you will find this most difficult to believe but I’m grouchy as hell) best if you quietly place a large mug of hot coffee in my room, making sure to stand well clear and exit quickly…😁,

Even my caffeine laced coffee did not stir my sleep befuddled brain, so I stumbled toward the bathroom, turning the shower on to sterilize hot, and stood under the boiling spray until my skin turned a lovely shade of crimson, steam filling my small bathroom as well by now coming off my skin, …See in exactly an hour Debbie would be around to take me to see a prospective new home for myself and Cinnamon, I was excited of course I was, but also nervous, . I longed to find a place to call home, this living between two places is stressful if not somewhat exhausting….

I tried to keep a positive frame of mind(which isn’t a natural state for me) I had really liked the little one bed, one bath quarter house from its photos, (New word for me, Quarter house), up until last Monday that is, I had never heard of this expression). But something worried me, couldn’t tell you what?, Just did..for once I was actually ready on time when Debbie arrived, I had put out my clothes the night before., a smile painted firmly on my face along with my make up, …last minute nerves meant, I had walked out the door without my mask,(twice) then i couldn’t remember where the house key was, to lock up(it was on my purse, in my hand the whole time, 😁.

Thursday had dawned the most beautiful sunny morning, not a cloud to be seen, somewhat warm even for the time of year, I went out without my jacket on, wasn’t at all cold….Debbie senses my nerves, she kept up a lovely stream of chatter all the way through the busy roads, my mind kind of distracted, looking forward to seeing the house……Via the phone I had been told to expect someone called Jess to show us around..that made me giggle …because of course Jess was there his always there….I had pictured this Jess though to be slender, beautifully turned out, manicured, hair perfect with wrists full of jangling bracelets, young woman for some reason …

We pull up to the front of the house, Debbie by now more excited than I was, she was out the car and up the small pathway before I had alighted as daintily as any fairy elephant can.😁, ….I looked up at the bedroom window on arrival, there looking back down at us was a man and a woman … At first I presumed them a couple, looking over it, But the guy met us at the door….And introduced himself as “Geoff”!, Now unless I either had miss heard the estate agent while on my original call the day previous or overnight this Jess had been remiss in shaving and grown a rather nice grey beard, with matching hair and spoke with a Deep masculine voice,….ooops!!!!, …… As you can imagine it doesn’t take long to look around three rooms…but as we do i,m already visualising where my meagre furnishings are going, seeing myself on dark nights curled up on the sofa chatting to Jesse, curtains drawn, warm and toasty, all very intimate. Before leaving I tell Geoff I was indeed very interested …This of course was an understatement, in my head I had already moved in…..Geoff told me to call their rental team at the office and tell them that I would like to apply for the house, ….

I didn’t even get one foot in the car, when an excited Debbie says ” Go on call then!!!!!!” ” Do it now before you lose it” …..I sigh, I hate phones, loath even more talking to someone I can’t see, much less know ….but she’s so pleased I liked the little house, its always hard not do as she bids, …I call someone at the estate agents who informs me all the letting team are in a meeting…..could they call back?…..I assure them this will be fine, Anything to get off the phone…..And as we drive away, Debbie has already made plans for a hot chocolate at the local Costa fortune, I mean coffee, And I for one was not opposed, …. The Wednesday, (Day before) storm Dudley had made his presence well and truly felt, …I lay in my living room ,the sky black, clouds passing by like speeding race cars, wind howling about my small home, I felt cozy, and immediately saddened this would be one of the last storms here…. It Seems though that Dudley was only just preparing us for the joys yet to come……Debbie wanted to be home early just in case storm Eunice should come a calling early….she was due on Friday by all accounts….BBC weather man anyway

Before battening down the hatches, splicing the main brace, securing the plants in their tubs, we were going to enjoy our brief moment in the local Costa…..I always enjoy Debbies company, she’s fun and is prepared to put up with my whacky sense of humour(only Jesse really survives this, or indulges anyhow ….I wasn’t at all hungry, but I can smell the hot chocolate, …Standing at the counter in the large already filled coffee shop, I as an ex cleaner take note of the littered filthy floor, it’s covered, not in crumbs but huge chunks of food, wrappers, and cartons, ..I want to turn around and leave, but Debbie was there and she’s always so good about running me about, so I do my best to ignore the obvious, ..I see Debbie eyeing the last slice of millionaires shortcake….knowing from old, if I don’t have anything then she won’t either, then I feel guilty….

I settle for a sticky sickeningly looking Cinnamon bun, (at once feel nauseous at the thought, , We are asked by a rather bored looking young girl, hand on hip, chewing her cud,(I mean gum) 😁 What do you want?, It’s all I can do not ask for a vat of disinfectant, cloths and a Hoover, looking once more at the floor though, I decide they probably don’t posess such an object, And just order two hot chocolate,s……still chewing mouth ajar, it was in fact like looking into the tumble dryer(gum swirling about her mouth) she sighs and comes back with, Small, medium, or large……I refer to Debbie who chimes in mediums, ……Girl not once making eye contact says, “cream and marshmallows”, …..”No Thank you we say in unison”, …..this by now was said to the girls back as she walked off…..seems please and Thank you were as unemployed as their Hoover……

Debbie asks me to go and find, a spot for us to be seated,. while she brings a tray with our cakes and drinks….I scan about, trying my best to find somewhere I don’t at least have to clamber over the rot and decay of the past six months…..I wipe our table down, using a clean tissue and hand gel from my bag, just In time for our repasts to arrive, Debbie struggling under the weight of a large tray, . I could almost hear it groan with size of the hot chocolate cups……I look on in horror, as Deb places one in front of each of us….I go quiet all at once, (no I do at times honest)Debbie laughs, “yeah it’s a good job we ordered mediums”, . Honestly folks there’s enough hot chocolate there for a week, we could have gotten two straws and shared one….I tried over the next half hour to valiantly empty the pool sized cup of luke warm soupy brown mess…I didn’t succeed 😁….I felt that super thick chocolate slosh about my insides all day, and that did not!!! Feel good.

We had sat there waiting for the expected phone call from the estate agents, telling us about our next moves forward on the little quarter house…..but nothing came, We got up and left the squalor, plus half our drinks behind…, I at this point did not feel particularly well, I had noted on the Cinnamon bun, what. I suspected to be tiny specks of candied orange peel, (orange in any form, even a drop makes me extremely ill for days) I had I thought, picked it off to the best of my abilities, but Ive doubts I got it all….By the time I reached home I just wanted to lay someplace dark and quiet….but couldn’t (I awaited that call)…….two hours later I called them back, seems the renting teams meeting was going to be an all day affair….could I call back tomorrow?…..Jesse left emails for me…I was anxious, tired yet just could not relax…

The next day, my body still not quite recovered from the Costa fortune experience😁, I get up none the less, trying to stay busy, Anything to keep my mind off that infernal Cinnamon bun, that now sat like stone in my stomach, and the long impending expected call, …..when it did finally come, I had sat in a world of my own, wishing my phone to ring….then as it finally did, I jumped out of my skin…And fell on it at once, to answer it quickly…..the conversation was brief, no punches pulled….it seems the landlady wouldn’t accept Cinnamon(this is my rabbit now folks, not the offending poor excuse for a cake) , I tried to explain his not just a rabbit, his my companion, my room mate, I live alone and his my only company) his uber clean, lives in a highly polished piece of two story furniture, specifically made to his needs., I at once feel offended for him, she then uttered this parting blow” if you could just get “rid”, of him you can apply again…..I flung the phone down in disgust….look across at Cinnamon cheerfully chewing on his box oblivious, this is not the first refusal …..but his all I’ve got until I can get to Jesse and he depends on me…I him…..

Saturday

By now the full effects of the huge storm (Eunice) on that Friday afternoon and well into the night, were known, (as was that blooming Cinnamon bun) I lay upon the sofa, not feeling exactly ill, but just not well either, …. wind howled outside, whistling through any gaps in the doors, rain lashing heavily against the moss covered glass panelled conservatory roof,(more than once I expected it to cave in under the force) (I can’t lie I was nervous, storms make me antsy anyhow, unable to settle, not scared as such, I just feel them more than most I guess). I was restless filled with nervous energy, sleep evaded till the early hours, where I eventually like the storm was spent….And finally slept….

I awoke a few hours later, tired, aching, my stomach still sore, I slept off and on all afternoon, by that evening there was no denying it, I felt a migraine brewing, the right side of my face growing numb off and on, my teeth all hurt, …I took my pain meds in the vain hope I had caught it before it could take full force,..I was alas too late, my head hurt, I was left only seeing half of anything, this didn’t worry me though, it’s happened before, (although it’s been a while, I’ve managed to avoid orange up until then 😁) .today, Sunday I’m okish, just suffering the fallout, a little washed out, tired, emotional, I always miss Jesse more at these times, it’s harder to not feel the loss of his being there to hold me and make things better, just in the same room really,…. I walked out the living room at one point when it became just too much, sat in my bedroom, rocking myself as i Sob aimlessly and silently, ….in the distance a hear a calming voice, ” Honey you ok? “…..I wipe my eyes walk back into the living room, smile on my face, because there’s Jesse, And all the while his there, I guess then I am indeed ok……… Be good and take care of yourselves folks 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐁🐁🐁💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰

Box of tricks….

As you may or may not know by now, I shall be moving before April, I’m hoping it’s into another house, Bungalow or some kind of four walled type dwelling, although with one bed housing in high demand, who exactly knows😃 . My trying to source housing on this tablet is pretty much like blogging, I write a word, check it, turn round and it’s put in something totally different in(which makes the sentences novel but also quite nonsensical, well more so than usual anyhow). I type in an area, size of house, bedrooms required, and it comes up with some cow shed in Llandudno… although if course it is a very nice cow shed, And the neighbours are very friendly, bit worried about their bathroom habits, on the upside its not far to go for milk and all that, also really not so sure Cinnamon Rabbit will like sharing his abode with several hundred drooling bovines…besides they may want his Amazon box😮

If it’s not cows, my tablet wants me to become a Den mother to a bunch of students, I’m really not quite sure they are ready for living with me, or if they ever would be come to that… I search daily in vain , getting more frustrated by row upon row of unsuitable accommodation pictures, when I do find one that’s even halfway decent, it’s in the middle of an area that has it’s share of daily gang fights, it would be tantamount to waking up each day in dodge city, And I’m certainly not any Annie Oakley, (plus these places have nowhere to park my horse….it would get a ticket on its errrr, rump….😁

All the while this goes on I’m packing up boxes, that I bought from Amazon, strong, easy to construct with holes in the sides as carrying handles….the first lot arrived with cute pictures of vans on both the sides,ends and bottom…I liked this greatly, plus it does also appeal to my sense of organisation, I like to have all the vans facing the same way 😁, ..also with the box van packs, came a reel of white tape, the words fragile emblazoned across it in red, means business,(Jesse has this on order for when I get over there he told me, and he said something about going to wrap me in it) well I think he said across my hips, sounds like that anyway….😷, his just so thoughtful😁.

Monday night

I fill each box as I make it up, carefully labeling it with the room it’s meant for and the contents….whether it’s fragile, glass wear, China etc, this I store in one corner of my bedroom out of reach of me(I’m such a clutz I would probably fall over it or land on its breakable contents) ..the next day my XXL boxes arrived and I eagerly made up the first, careful to use the brown tape that came in the pack…I love that sound the tape makes as you stretch it the box flaps, ripppppppp… that’s when I don’t have to fight them into submission upon the ground first of course..after pinning my boxes down, then taping them up quickly so they can’t burst open again, I stack them neatly one upon the other just to make sure of any unruly ones ….

That night I fell into a deep sleep, I had taken pain killers as I’m still fighting this virus and felt somewhat achy…I must have slept soundly for just over an hour or so, .when I woke, looked over at Jesse, he was still asleep, I lay in that place somewhere betwixt sleep and half asleep, drifting in and out…it was then something caught my eye …I looked over bemused to the corner of the room, a light blinked off and on…..(now please if you will remember I had taken pain meds, .was somewhat asleep still) My first thought was wow that’s so blooming cool, they have even put indicator lights on the back of the van boxes….I loved this thought, laying there watching the light blink…..then I suddenly remembered……just that day I had flung a set of flashing fairy lights into a box, without removing their batteries first….I giggled at my foolishness before falling back to sleep. When I recounted this back to Jesse that morning, he didn’t even look up from his work, or blink an eyelid, I think I find this more worrying than if he had…. 😁.

Going into the bedroom the following day , I looked across at my nice neatly stacked piles of boxes, to find on every single one, the tape now lay flat , not stuck fast against the sides as I intended …..so back to the drawing board and out came the white tape with fragile on…..seems everything’s fragile including the stickiness of brown parcel tape…

Anyway folks enough of my box of tricks, take care of yourselves ,stay warm and well 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭.

Monday…

Yesterday I was rudely awoken early, burning up and Choking, with a constant hacking cough that made it very difficult to breathe,. funnily enough though despite this I didn’t feel the need to panic,instead sitting still and taking deep calming breath,s eventually helped,. Everywhere hurt and I felt somewhat out of it, almost as if my head had been emptied over night, And then refilled with large quantities of that soft toy stuffing😁…I wouldn’t mind this normally, as it was quite a pleasant sensation, but it turned the simplest of jobs into a chore…one of these being of great importance, (making myself a coffee)..I can do this normally while half asleep,(actually have done and even gone as so far as to drink it😀) But there I stood staring at my bright red kettle on despair,, spoon in hand, mind now a total blank….seriously though for a few moments (And here I did go into something of a panic mode, I just couldn’t remember how you made coffee),more over the more I thought about it, the more anxious I became…I toyed with turning to Jesse, only the fear of him thinking I was a total blithering idiot prevented this, . Can you find it on YouTube I wondered?….how does one YouTube again??????.So I opted to shower instead..you can’t go wrong with a shower right ?

After standing for quite some time under the refreshing hot water, I felt slightly more at one with my head, (Up until now I had thoughts, that maybe during the night i had had an early appointment with Madame Guillotine), Once again dressed in fresh Pjs,. I stood at my kettle, this time the lure of rich roasted Azera Americano coffee was far too great a temptation, i congratulated myself quietly I sat back down to savour it, …As I did a sudden noise broke through my peace, a loud thud came, the letter box rattled, followed by a package clattering onto the floor beside me…I wasn’t expecting anything though was i?, until I suddenly remembered actually I was.

The day previous….

Sunday afternoon Debbie had sent a text asking how I was feeling now, (Just saturday I had postponed a trip out in her car to look at houses., I was Presenting with all the symptoms of covid, I didn’t think it fair to travel in an enclosed environment, even taking the measures of wearing a mask, and knowing Debbie had had all the inoculation,s…It was Debbie who text back sometime later, (why not send for a home test kit?) , knowing me only to well she sent a link as to where to apply, which I then promptly did….And here it was, wrapped up in a grey plastic bag, enclosed in a further plastic bag, this one in a nice shade of purple( I’ve always loved purple) . I put down my coffee cup, set free the testing kit from yet another plastic bag(the third) , where in lay a cardboard box, yet another bag which held a giant swab on a poll,(ok a long stick), piece of lint cloth, and a tiny test tube type thing,half filled with a clear liquid, ….amongst this was a very officious looking instructions booklet.there I began to read it…..

I read the instructions thoughly, not only once but just to be certain it has sunk in my still quite fuzzy brain, I read it again…(I can by now easily take an exam on how to take this covid test)…first instruction was wash your hands thoughly, well I had just showered, .but hey better safe than sorryright?, then after wiping clean the surface you are going to place your test kit on, wash your hands all over again, ..this I did,. Opening the thin packet containing this huge horrifying looking long swab thing on knitting needle length stick, then opening your mouth as wide as you can without dislocating your jaw,. swab each side of your tonsils trying hard not to gag, So this you do four times each side (luckily here I don’t have problems with my gag reflex) no trouble thus far, …Now for the fun part…(take your large pole thingy and jamb it up your nose as far as possible, till it tickles your brain box😀😀😀😀😀😀😀), No no please don’t do that honestly😁, . on the whole It’s really not so bad, other than a very slight burning sensation as I twirled it, for the ten times instructed, it wasn’t so unpleasant…I mean your taught from young not to shove stuff up your Nasal cavities right?, (one time came to mind as I did this very thing) as a four year old my mother rushing me round to my Grandmothers(an ex nurse) when I had decided hiding her best pearl buttons up my nose would indeed be most appropriate, my daughter has the very button tin with said buttons still intact inside😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁…but there was to be two things I was indeed most grateful for yesterday, 1. Blow your nose well before hand, then rewash your hands again….2. Please Swab your throat first folks, not the other way round😂……Job done break the javelin, I mean swab stick and place in tube provided, seal with lid, add this and the lint cloth thing into provided bag, close securely…..then make another coffee before trying to get it collected from your home😒….

The collection….

It says on the instructions if you have symptoms, do not drive, or are too ill to go out, they will swing by for coffee and pick it up(no just pick it up folks), there’s a number to call and arrange this within 24hours, ..so test taken, I call, following the list of instructions about as clear as mud, until I get through to a real live talking human…..I give her all the details, my name, date of birth, ethnicity, bra size, she asked my sex, I deliberately deepen my voice at this point and say unsure😁…..but then I all seriousness explain why I’ve called, ..it says on the form someone can pick up completed tests if there’s a problem delivering it to a priority mail box… Again I explain, I,m disabled, don’t drive, plus I feel like I’ve just taken part in an iron man competition and hadn’t a clue where my nearest blooming priority post box was or is even if walking were an option……she says sorry we can’t get anyone to come out right now, tells me overly cheerful that my nearest box is four miles away, maybe it being a nice day for a walk, I might enjoy it..or maybe if I can’t do this just ask a neighbour to deliver my germ infested box to the post box……I sigh hang up and text Debbie…..

It’s not every friend that will collect your Covid test kit and drive beating back germs to their nearest delivery place…..but I have one who will and did just that bless her heart….not only this she offered to shop for me, I’ve blood relative,s, who have never gone that far for me😁, ….

Think pink…..

And the last thing you will think of is me!😖, I hate it, can’t stand it, I’m convinced it’s the devil’s own work(no seriously) it’s foul…..But I’m doing something in a good cause, …For the next 28 days, no less and certainly no more😒, I will be wearing something pink on my anatomy..about my person, ….each and every awful day….it’s so going to drag I just know it…..But it is all in aid of hearing dogs for the deaf, it’s a cause close to my heart, I grew up with a dear sweet friend called Sue who couldn’t hear, plus my love has issues of his own, if you feel you might wish to sponsor me, than send direct to the charity …but other than this just cheer me on….I will be crocheting a scarf also, ….every day I will crochet 28 rows, of twenty different colours….it’s gonna be a big one…no pun intended there……..all encouragement will be welcomed and I Thank you muchly in advance……if I’m prickly it’s because I’m right now sat here in a blooming pink t shirt…sighs…..Anyhow take good care of you folks and try to stay well 🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸🌸🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸🌸🌸💗

Monday.

About a month ago now, or there about I think it roughly was, we made the decision that maybe constant cleaning of black mould from around windows, doors and ceilings was not such an appropriate exercise plan for me, myself. Jesse and my friend, Debbie, thought it time that I look into searching for a bigger dehumidifier. (Maybe industrial sized would fix it 😁) I have two small ones going round the clock (which I empty three times weekly) but still the mould relentlessly came. I tried bleaching it which, in my humble opinion, only encouraged it. Mould, it seems, likes a nice clean growing space. 😁 And while I don’t mind the smell, every room stinking like a swimming pool isn’t quite the nice fresh scent I try to induce about my home.

Recently Debbie and I spent a whole day battling the black creature from the bungalow, using all manner of weaponry, from ancient tooth brushes, to scouring pads, scrubbing brushes, or wire wool. One thing I can impart here, though, is that tea tree oil is fabulous for ye old mould removal. I had tried the bleach, expensive sprays, cheap sprays, even holding the odd seance for it to be gone!!!!! It was quite by accident I tried tea tree oil for its anti-fungal properties and to my surprise it actually works! But I digress somewhat, as is my norm. After much deliberation we decided to each check out the Facebook selling pages. Normally there’s a dehumidifier or three being sold off affordably. The next day Debbie was in touch. She had found one… not as cheap as I would have liked, but it had high rating on sales pages going for it. Not only this, it could, in fact, do more than one room at any one time! Seemed almost too good to be true but I decided to invest in it anyway. My health is more important, so Jesse tried hard to convince me.

It was all arranged, and what’s more the guy was even willing to deliver, which was another factor, me not driving… Next day I nervously awaited its arrival, the way things go wrong for me, I fully expected it to be broken somehow or that I wouldn’t know how to operate the blooming thing… It turned up okay, the guy not interested in showing me how it worked was off before I could even utter the words “how”? I didn’t however go into panic mode… (my usual MO). No I just sat over a coffee, looking at its numerous buttons and dials, until in my mind at least I had some sort of understanding of its uses… it’s odd up until I started living alone as much as I love gadgets, phones, tablets, anything electrical I had always stressed over how to use it, normally handing it over to one of my son’s or another… now I just keep working at it till I understand, this isn’t always instant or even in the first week, but after much trial and error, curse words abound,… a little light goes off, in this head when I get it… (And I’m proud to say now I’ve even begun to get some things straight off).

I turned on the new dehumidifier, it whirled into action, after only a couple of hours in my bedroom, the water collections drawer was full, not only full but was heavy… this fascinated me… I instantly turned it back on, for some days I was emptying it out up to four times daily… it felt instantly warmer while it worked, which was another big plus, after a week though I decided to give the filters a clean so it could to better effect… it had had a slight oily cooking residual odour about it… I washed the outside and where I could on its arrival, Now was time to brave its inner workings, at first petrified I would take it apart and break it somehow. And it was to be with some trepidation that I finally set to work… screw driver at the ready. Turns out even with the correct screwdriver I couldn’t get proper access to the huge filter in the back. I thought about this a second, then I did my bit for all woman kind😁 (ladies will get this, see woman up till now are never encouraged to tackle these jobs, well I soon had this figured out! Using a very soft two inch clean paint brush and my Hoover, I flicked outwards the dirt and dust from between the plastic grill covering the main filter. It was filthy, I ended up filthy, but it worked.

Don’t do this at home folks.

What amongst all this figuring though, I had forgotten, (slaps forehead) was to wear a mask (I know sighs). I had without a thought, care or attention, breathed in all these dust particles, dirt, dead skin cells😖, and need I say germs from who knows how long, let’s move right on quickly shall we 😁, I had gone about my days, happy that my home was at least drying out. Also I was no longer breathing in hundreds of tiny unseen black mould spores that filled my living space and even covered the kitchen work surfaces (much to my surprise and disgust). Two days after cleaning the filter, I began to show the first signs of getting sick. My nose ran, my throat became scratchy and that night I was burning up. Now if you’ve ever visited here you would know how cold it gets at night, but here I was soaked to the skin throwing off any blankets, no matter how thin. I ached from my head downwards.

At first I did my best to deny it. I don’t go out, much less have anyone in. How could this be happening? If indeed it was. I carried on with my normal routine as much as possible, ignoring the dull nagging aches, chills, or fevers. But you can only hide from these things for so long. As the days went on, the night fevers increased. Jesse had bought me a new mattress for the bed, both of us convinced that the old one was causing my pain. The new one helped. It’s lovely and supportive, but still I hurt. Time for hiding my head was to come to a rapid end, especially after my breathing became short if I was active. I didn’t want food, just drinking anything hot. This seemed to sooth my by now raw throat.

Monday morning.

On waking, I actually didn’t feel quite so bad, I had taken pain meds during the night, slept well and felt somewhat relaxed. That wasn’t to last though. I had one of my early morning coffees. (I say one, because there’s normally several throughout the day), showered, cleaned up the kitchen and plugged in my other phone while I wrote out my to do list. This phone I rarely charge. No one calls or texts so no real need. It suddenly sprang into action, screen flashing, pinging the music hurt my aching head. I picked it up, surprised, and right then and there my little world crashed around my congested head. I had just been given notice to quit the bungalow. I was too sick to really register the news properly, the shock set in sometime later! Much later!

Jesse was there thank goodness, as that’s no time to be alone. I felt sick to my stomach. I had, despite the never ending cold, out and out wars with the log burner, heating, mould… loved being here. It was my transitional home, a place to learn about myself, heal and wait till the time I get to be with Jesse. I had thought about moving on a few times, but it was just that: thought. Now I was once more homeless, without a base, an anchor. All at once exhaustion washed over me. I felt like weeping but to what end?

Since then I’m almost certain I’m on my third battle with COVID, I’ve little to no immunity, so it’s feasible, if not probable. Still in long haul from the first infection, I am amazed, if not astounded, at my body’s propensity to fight. Seems it’s as stubborn as I am. I try to keep busy during January crocheting hats for a charity. During this month I’m working on doing something for hearing dogs for the deaf. I know I need to fill my days, keep from dwelling on my health and the almost imminent move. The thought of packing, dragging stuff about alone, makes me feel old and only serves to remind me how everything is down to me.

I flick through endless pages of rental homes longing for one to speak to me, one that will feel like a home for me and Cinnamon. I worry: will I find us one in time? He’s relying on me, and I’m just longing to go back to the days when I didn’t have a care in the world… days of crafting and coffee. Now I’m beginning to wonder who the hell I peeved to be cursed so. One thing to come out of this is I no longer feel the need to comfort eat. I’m sticking to my sugar and wheat free diet, pea shoots, beet leaves, healthy salads… cooking low fat chicken recipes with Jesse. I know it will all work out for the best, it always does… it’s just when. Take care of yourselves folks. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Myself and Cinnamon (my rabbit) have been living alongside each other now for roughly eighteen months…At first I was none to sure it was fair to take in a pet, my life being so upside down at the moment..I’m still in full Covid long haul mode….some days just getting out of bed is as much as I can muster…But as lock down began its final long days.. I came across more and more pets finding themselves without a home, it tore at my heart seeing page upon page of bunnies, cats, dogs really through no fault of their own now seeking refuge(so depressing)….I was still undecided some weeks later, could I or would I cope when sick? Was I the right person?, What could I offer infact?, Even sleepless nights were involved…

But I had that one thing going for me, a vast array of animal knowledge, their needs and care, I’ve made it my place to learn, it’s taken some years but I gleaned knowledge, no how from people, books, tv, forums, but my best teachers were indeed the animals themselves, …I don’t just keep pets, I become involved in their lives, what were their needs, moods, personality…you can keep over a 100 rabbits but each is so very different..

Just when I thought I had rabbit care down to a fine art though, along came Cinnamon….he was indeed a lockdown pet, I had by this time changed my mind a dozen times about getting a pet, thinking it would be for all the wrong reasons, not fair…..that was then,. one evening some weeks later, I read a post on Facebook that touched my heart…it was to be fatal….for there was a picture of my boy, …heart racing with anxiety, with mixed emotions, I answered the add…there it was done…

Many replies asked after him, part of me hoped upon hope that someone would come along for him, the decisions out of my hands then…someone anyone would be better for him surely?…, but a few minutes later a ping happened on my private message, ….And that November night ,Cinnamon arrived, he was and is a very nervous rabbit…I suspect he has never been handled in all his three years,. And that’s where all our troubles began….he never ate any of the food that came with him, or any I was told he had before, …I tried every make ,brand of hay in existence.. From budget to gold standard….Cinnamon would not only not eat it…Oh no we took to posting it back out of our cage…couldn’t stand it near him….😮.

Now rabbits I know a lot about, mini lops(his breed) are no strangers either, I had two previously. , I know for instance they can be picky, fussy even darn right fastidious….but this bun was beyond all this….I actually thought he was going to die at one point.., His poop was full of pin worms,( yeah smashing) his coat, dull and lacklustre….he sat in one corner starring dead eyed into space…And I felt bad for him….I left him well alone, spending my days in my bedroom, …I trailed Amazon for food that looked similar to what my other lop rabbits would eat. When it arrived I filled his bowl, held my breath and went out the room once more…..

The next day I walked in, feeling some what miserable, I was letting Cinnamon down, for all my knowledge and hopes, I couldn’t help him……but imagine the sheer joy as I looked across to find not only an empty bowl, but a moving bunny….he watched me move about, showed interest , it was a start, a fantastic start and I was over joyed for us both…

As you know, I rarely, if ever leave my house, when I did, I hated walking in to the cold, baren, lifeless room….it felt so stark before….but not any more, …there was movement, sound, most importantly another life, Cinnamon quickly became something far more valuable than a pet….he was my companion….yes I have Jesse my constant, right there on my phone…but his a million miles away….his not here, loneliness ate deep into my being….I didn’t want any other human company as they wouldn’t be Jesse , But even so after years of being a mum, I needed to nurture, I needed to be needed….Cinnamon is no longer just a rabbit….he fulfils the most important function….he makes this shell of a house feel like a home,

I was to learn very quickly Cinnamon is not your average rabbit….no,.. only I could come across a rabbit that has health issues….he suffers from a thing called Gut Stassis (this is not only exceptionally painful, but can prove fatal if not careful….Cinnamon being Cinnamon any slight change can cause a fresh bout…from change of environment, to change pretty much anywhere😁, first day I put him in a run I built in our garden( because rabbits do need the great outdoors, right? Wrong wrong wrong,!!!!!!….he sulked, wouldn’t move, even to the point I had to bring him back in…for two days he had horrendous stomach issues…, so I hit on an ingenious plan, I built him a run in the house(😁 yeah I know right, same thing). if anyone visits he hides) ….when I do venture out even to the post box, he turns his back on me for the rest of the day….even thumps his dear little feet in protest …

He hates being picked up…..( No he won’t eventually get used to it) I’ve tried, goodness knows how I’ve tried, ) if I get him out to roam he hides for hours behind somewhere, again stasis the next day….I’ve had skittish bunnies, I’ve had fearful buns, but this rabbit is in a class of his own, despite this we have the most healthy respect for each other…Ive spent a fortune having a two story beautiful indoor hutch built…it’s huge, made with a lovely high polished wood….honestly it looks like a wonderful piece of furniture….And for once..just once he loved it….And I love it because he has room to move….room for hes toys…

We live this side by side co existence, I’m now allowed to stroke his head, we roll his toys back and forth to each other…Over Christmas was cold, so a few nights I was lazy and slept in the warmth and comfort of the livingroom….those nights Cinnamon slept up front of his cage where he could watch me….once I settle for the night he went up to the top part of his house and lay watching me from there, doing nothing, quiet just watching….well a few nights turned to weeks, …

Last week I cleaned my bedroom and made it comfy to move back in, Tuesday was to be the first night….I hadn’t been there long, when I heard my rabbit thumping…..where it’s so quiet here at nights, the sound fills the air…it’s blooming loud….I call out to him from my bed..he settles( I leave him a light on every night, but even with this measure taken he thumps most nights until I call through….assure him in there…

I’ve gone back and forth from sleeping in the sitting room to my bedroom over the course of the week…, those nights I sleep in here (sittingroom) his content and restful….in the bedroom and the whole night he stomps, throws his feed pot,s, bangs the doors….But last night I stayed in my room the whole night, I didn’t sleep much, as it was a high pain night, eventually my phone in hand, dragging my blanket behind me like half asleep toddler, I stumbled my way back into the living room …..I lay down on my sofa, that is next to cinnamon, ….looked across to check on him, As Im won’t to do, And for the first time, my funny little, moody Bun greeted me, he looked up at me as I lay down….did the most wonderful series of small leaps. (binkying)Head bobbing,,twisting in the air as he leapt, it was a sight to behold, I liked to believe he was actually pleased to see me…my rabbit may never be a lap sitting cuddle bun, but he has a long term home, in the warmth, with good food, small snippets of fruit, veggies, someone to play fetch the cotton reel with, he will never be just a rabbit again, he belongs, he makes my life without my loved ones bearable, I like to think with my knowledge of bunny health I make his a healthy, respected life…each doing our own thing but together…..friendship comes in many forms….take care folks, stay warm and well..💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇