Five years ago a small bundle of cream and grey lop earred furriness entered somewhat rudely into my life. It was unplanned as most things are in this chaotic mixed up world of mine. Enter stage left, One equally mixed up rabbit, for whom i quite randomly came up with the name Cinnamon bun(a favourite cake of mine lol), He was rather small for his breed and unremarkable for his type, His pale creamy caramel coat lacking in condition, the hair harsh and on end, instead of lustrous smooth and silky mini lops are known for., Before This wee bun came along, I must confess I had had thought my days of rabbit parenting were all but over, Unlike years previous, when many a rabbit had found themselves on my doorstep, finding an instant made home within our large overrun insane asylum, (I mean menagerie over the years) . Most like Cinnie were there through no fault of their own, being either abandoned by their humans, without a backward glance, now homeless…Many came with special needs,(fitting right in with us 😁) others just requiring too much time attention, patience or money than their families were prepared to spend, summer holiday season was always the worst, that much loved pet now expendable, I would offer to foster while they went, some never collected… Each though most welcome and wanted in our full to bursting household, budgets tight, but love infinite… whether as temporary foster or fully committed lifer😁, just as Cinnie was now to become…

the first few days with my brand new charge, were not always erm easy shall we say, We were still adjusting to each others foibles, And no matter how much I thought I knew about rabbits wellbeing and health in general, This was the rabbit about to take my education a mile further..I left him to settle into his new home that night, mainly because up until the day before he had only ever lived outside in a hutch, Now here he was living inside with a strange new human…😁… not just inside though, but in a house no less, With all those peculiar little house sounds, smells and a one crazy companion, every time before I entering what had fast become “HIS” room(aka the one time livingroom), I announced my presence…it seemed only polite under the circumstances him being my house guest, plus I didn’t want to burst in and give my new roomy heart failure in the first weeks of our relationship…I found out soon enough, that actually all things considered he had settled in faster than I could have hoped or anticipated, never batting an eyelid at any household noises, quite the opposite infact, from day one he almost challenged my noisy old upright vacuum “Red” to come anywhere near his bedroom area…one gleaming black beady orb fixed on target… giving both myself and Red that evil side eye I swear we both trembled under his gaze, this was always followed by one impatient stomp of his cute fluffy foot, informing me this was no longer my territory or home there were no exception, vacuums, visitors and singing were now most definitely discouraged if not banned until further notice,.

As I’ve already intimated, Cinnie was to be a rabbit of a different colour, His previous owner told me for instance he had a very discerning pallet, only ever eating one certain and very expensive brand of pellet food…I obediently sent for Sirs favourite without delay!… Only for him to sniff it once,wrinkle up his sweet twitchy nose, look at me greatly offended, turn his back on the shiny new porcelain feed dish complete with name emblazoned on, then walked away never to return…I tried transferring it into his old dish, my thoughts here, Sir might find this new dish somewhat lacking or offensive, not quite up to ones Par. But again he watched me and stomped his disapproval….I spent the next two days buying several different varieties of bunny feed,this ranged from the most expensive to the basic….he it seems being, him wanted the basic… sighs all that money spent., we then went on to shun every type of hay, straw, and barley known to man or beast, it’s rare but happens, he took to posting it out of his bedroom enclosures and scattering the far flung corners of my ahem “his living room” in protest…We may though on a good day deem fit to eat, baby dew covered freshly picked dandelion leaves. For which he’s house servant woke especially early to hunt down before the first sun rays filled the sky, a torch in hand, neighbours perplexed faces pressed up against the glass of their bedroom windows watching on somewhat pityingly, as I fell gleefully on another likely looking fresh leaved dandelion, announcing “gotchcha”! With real zealous once finding my bounty this was done more times than a not in my shorts and in one Jesse’s t shirts😁.

Home life settled back down to some sort of normality as long as I abided by the new improved house rules which were carefully considered and placed by the “Management” (Cinnamon head of house) All house Rules will be strictly followed by residents….oh that’s me!!!!. Rule one..feeding time was no later than 4pm ever, even allowing for daylight saving changes!!!!!. Rule two HOH(head of house) dept require H2O at room temperature in winter months replaced twice daily.Must be chilled in the summer, there was to be no!!!! exceptions on this…. Rule three was established soon after I made the mistake of going out on one of the exceptional rare ventures to a local Lidl for under an hour ….on my return I called out as I entered the front door ” hi Bunny I’m home” not expecting to be greeted or anything,…but nor the disgusted, filthy look from his menacing beady sideeye, whites showing, foot stomping, ending with his back to me each time I walked into the room, 24hrs bloody hours this lasted….so Rule three… No serfs must leave the house under any circumstance…Rule four…. absolutely, under no circumstances were Visitors to be welcomed, let alone encouraged! …again Sirs displeasure was made abundantly clear after a good friend deemed fit to call…worse still she actually spoke to him, “oh my goodness” the look she got before he took himself off to his bedroom to sulk, he was indeed positively livid…this to was neither wise and caused great outrage for the next few days…. I too got shunned!😁……Rule five HOH only likes lavender scented cleaners and fresh newspapers daily in ones bathroom….I followed these rules to the letter hoping to become the bestest rabbit parent and friend known to rabbit kind…I’m sure he felt I failed miserably in all departments though….My report card reading C for effort…

Once the rules were introduced, abided by and I was quite firmly banished into the smaller room of the house(my bedroom) as was ones place I suppose, we returned to some sort of harmony…I built my days around his requirements and in return occasionally I might get to touch his by now silky satin smooth fur, Only briefly mind!!!!thats your allotted time…no liberties!!!….As a rule on his home health checks, he was a gentleman. Grumpily submitting to my ministrations, allowing for grooming, checking him over…nail trimming…never once attempting to scratch or bite…. “the look” after all kept he’s feelings known and me in place…and oh how I knew!..

The actual return on our cohabitation was far far greater than I could ever begin to comprehend or express come to that. …the bungalow would be still be cold and damp, although since Cinnies arrival it took on a whole new warmth, plus it felt more of, well home really…not so stark or unnaturally quiet, . With this My whole demeanour had changed also, Unknown to me, I had relaxed, no longer days spent alone, plus I had a whole new purpose for getting up and out of bed each morning, bad health, strongest pain flares or even awful nights before,.Cinnie without exception had to come first… Even before my beloved coffee, now that is devotion 😁. There was no doubting it, he altered my life for the better, I had dropped off a lot that self introspection, doubt …for anyone looking at these words thinking but hes just a rabbit…there’s no just …we became important to each others welfare, interwoven and essential…As the weeks went by I learnt Cinnies likes and dislikes more, like myself he hated the dark….how do I know…because he became anx ridden and thumped continually, until I turned on his night light, lol..he wouldn’t leave hes enclosures…becoming blighted by severe stomach issues those times I had forced the issue ….nearly losing him twice…so we didn’t attempt this again… The expensive Garden runs relegated to the dark depths of the shed where they became spider babies climbing frames, the few times he went outside, he sat trembling in his box until I relented and bought him back in…again he stopped eating, his tummy tighter than a drum and bloated, teeth grinding…here he consented to lay curled up into my side on my bed for warmth, I guess no one likes being alone when their ill..him included.

I never did know Cinnies true age, you see he had had three previous homes before mine, he’s last owner guessing he was roughly around maybe three.. And up until last Wednesday we had spent five years side by side day in day out, eight being old people’s age for mini lop rabbits😊…, Over the last week’s though I watched with some sadness, as my buddy began slowing down, he slept for longer periods now, far deeper too. The boxes he once loved to disassemble with nothing short of real relish, laying safe and in one piece…his bell ball silent, no more constant banging of either the runged ladder up to the second floor or the door I left open just in case a sudden spell of bravery hit and he wanted a turn about the livingroom. It never happened once but ohh how he loved to bang that door a dozen times a night just to test it, and me im sure… 😁,

For those of you still reading and insistent of believing Cinnie was just ten inches of fluffy lop rabbit…I besiege you to rethink, read on, maybe I can influence you just slightly…when I left my family home of 35 years, I left in a hurry without a thing to my name, I had my reasons…reasons I’ve been forced to keep to my self…and in truth im happier now with this, my truths are just that….mine!…but when I left my past came calling regular…it haunted both my days and nights, I felt hunted, not just fearful but terrified…living alone for my first time ever with these fears…days were long, cold and scary…nights filled with horrendous dreams endless….then Cinnie came …with this tiny demanding terror…came a bond, an unbreakable fusion of minds…both of us had seen traumas, so we got each other…I let him live life just how he wanted..he made his choices, as did i…he took the unbearable silence and filled it with warmth and sounds…he gave me purpose on my sickest days when life’s at its real toughest…we bonded over our years together…on Wednesday I knew it was time, I felt him leaving slowly, but leaving non the less, drifting away to who knows where but forever!!, Hopefully though journeys new…I pulled the curtains, shutting out the light, hushed the flat and waited at his side…as the clock on the wall softly ticked out the minutes, the time suddenly became harsh and glaring…each tick took him further from me…each movement slowed his little heart under my hand…in my head I keep up a constant chatter of nonsense to him not wanting him to be afraid…or alone…10:39 came a last twitch, a defiant kick, his favourite ball rattled away across the enclosure…and that was it, silence…. Again with that bloody silence, that crashes rudely into my space and it’s deafening…there’s no escape…..at first I don’t know what to do…I’m lost as it feels so unreal…..I touch him again and the reality finally kicks in…..

The worst of it was the anger, and feeling useless, my knee has been buckling under me for over a week now, I could barely walk across the room, the pain although intense was nothing like this sudden pain in the centre of my chest.. I needed bury Cinnie but how?…it was essential I made a fitting grave for my old pal…and here I am unable to bloody move..for the first time in years im angry…angry at my body once again letting me down…forcing me to let Cinnie down….I hobble out to flick the switch on the kettle, all the time aware of the tiny lifeless form laying still…the quiet is ripping at my insides, I hate it…I feel abandoned… Finally grabbing a spade from my shed, I use this overwhelming anger and resentment festering away inside me to dig a hole deep enough….as I lay Cinnie in the soft earth I can’t help but touch him one last time…I hate the earth is cold, I hate he’s going to be in the dark, because hes scared of the dark…I hate most of all the wrenching apart, the cut of separation….covering him up out of my sight is hell…this whole thing is hell….my pain for now forgotten replaced by worse… it’s intense and unrelenting….

it’s been five whole days …..tears spring forth suddenly as another pain grenade explodes without warning in my body…I’ve grown accustomed to its uncontrollable randomness…what I can’t grow accustomed to no matter how I try is this infernal endless silence, especially at night…nights are my downfall…see Cinnie like a the virulent miniature Doberman pincher stood guard all night, every night! He took he’s job seriously….thumping out a loud reverberating warning repelling any one who dared enter his abode …I’ve slept safe each night, secure in the knowledge he watched for dangers….And so the nightmares are back alongside my insecurities..

Cinnie was and never could be just a rabbit…a pet..a fluffball….he was a companion, my pal…I still hear the ghostly rattle of he’s water bottle countless times a day, Like some phantom limb syndrome…(where you still feel an amputated body part long after its loss)….I still feel Cinnie everywhere…I flood the house with sound, light in some faint hope of hushing the din of silence….it’s not possible…Each night one lone solar light stands vigil over Cinnies Grave …I was determined he wouldn’t be in the dark… Highly scented dianthus plants arrive later today, I just hope I don’t hear ghostly thumps of disapproval though….sleep tight Cinnamon bun see yah on the other side bud… Thank you for reading and sharing my grief folks, stay safe, stay well until next time 🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

It’s been over a week now and I’m still running on full recovery mode, switching over to Auto pilot at times when needed,(and it is) Existing mainly thanks to large doses of diluted caffeine(coffee), which is used for sloshing down pain meds. The cause of this latest drama? “The dreaded landlord’s inspection”. Yes it’s that time again, and there’s really no other way to put this, than I loathe it. I try to see it for what it is, nothing personal…but to this person it very much is, and feels all too personal.

I’m someone who isolates, insulates, (whatever we’re calling it now. At least 90% of my life is spent very much alone, with the Exception of course for Jesse on chat, which is constant (via Meet) A strange rabbit with early onset dementia, and a budgie with a filthy runaway mouth, It’s a crazy household, but for the most part my crazy household, One where I feel the need to bolt up the settlements, pull up the drawbridge, set loose the rabid killer pigoens, and repel all incoming borders with zealous…I know if I’m honest this isn’t healthy, mentally, I’ve struggled since childhood to blend in with humanity, which only grows more prominent the older I get..I’ve never been diagnosed, but I’m convinced alongside EDS, there’s every chance I’m on the low Autism spectrum,

Give me a field full of horses, room full of dogs and I am instantly in my element, relaxing beyond all recognition. Yet one lone human and I become a ball of shaking anxiety. One human in my home and it feels like imminent catastrophe…this is no exaggeration either, I would like to say im joking, but we know I’m not..and it is unfortunately far from funny. The moment I get that dreaded email fore warning an inspection..I feel the tension mount daily. Spiralling up inside my body like the bindweed, growing about me until it threatens to strangle me…I’ve tried everything to see it for what it is, a positive. a necessary evil.

What’s worse is I’ve really nothing to hide, my home is not only kept clean, (at the last inspection the guy went so far as to say “it’s immaculate as always”)and it is,. No wonder though as I rush about in a caffeine fuelled frenzy for weeks, cleaning everything in sight to operating theatre standard…if it’s stationary it’s coming under my exacting standards. Bleach cloth in hand at the ready.polish in the other… Why? Because this is the one solitary thing in my mind at least, I can control at the time…it’s a distraction, a need. I can’t control the thought patterns eating away at my mind., or my reaction to that pattern., So I use the flooding adrenaline coursing through my veins to good effect..helping this build up of excess energy on its way by endless cleaning.

The uncomfortable knowledge that my landlord has a set of keys and the law on his side to enter the property at any given time, is also little comfort either.,Since changing the locks goes against the tenancy agreement…it’s an impass I’m stuck in, Every six months the madness begins once again and only increases each time, Working up to what feels like some impending disaster, which is always survived, but exhausting non the less…

I have online friends who trying to be kind, supportive and reassuring, say quite rightly “well that’s that over again for now”. And of course yes putting it in perspective, yes of course it is.., They are correct..but inside for me the adrenaline goes on flooding long after, remaining tension effecting every organ and muscle, I find it near on impossible to come back down to earth, .. Even then there’s that constant feeling of invasion, I’m not sure if you remember or have read my back story, but when I was a kid I survived being attacked..I survived!, ….but having a man in the immediate vicinity, especially in my home where I feel trapped without means of escape, even after all these years, is still a terrifying prospect, whether its reality or no.. impacting my whole life…

I have worked hard on myself over years to combat much of this with some success, I was much worse in the past.. And up until relatively recently,. I can now at least leave my home, if I’m feeling brave even at night..it has taken 30 over years and was agonisingly slow in its progress, literally one small step at a time. I still hide much of the fallout from events of years ago behind a well worn mask…to most I appear confident, happy, enjoying my life…it’s an appearance I encourage, a lie if you like…because to me enough damage has already been done, I refuse to allow myself either of the well used labels “Victim”, or “survivor” because I’m neither…I’m just taking each day on its merits…both good and bad alike…

On the up side to these moments of crazy cleaning, the mishaps are daily…like after spending an hour on my hands and knees scrubbing my kitchen floor, three times no less, it gleamed in the early morning sunlight, I stood back in the doorway coffee in hand admiring all my hard work, a second load of washing finished, brilliant I thought now I can get that on the line before my knees give out …..grab the laundry basket, pull the clothes out…….and along with it came a whole load of tissue tinsel, it went over every piece of available floor space, even out into the small gap between rooms, with being so tired I must have forgotten to check my trouser pockets for tissues…

I sliced my finger and a blood fountain errupted up the wall and over the cream carpets, you can tell I’m a CSI fan from way back though, I’m dripping blood around the floor and what am I fascinated with…eww blood spatter pattern detection, sighs…Sage the budgie decided this is the week for a bad molt, feathers everywhere, how does he get them in my cupboards is what I want to know?.

Don’t ask about the meeting of the snow globe and my head, I’ve still a lump weeks later, not to mention a bedroom carpet im still hoovering glitter up from…. throughout all this madness though even I had a moment of sheer hilarity…one morning early as I’m about my routine, the front door bell rings, I can already see it’s the postman, and go to answer the door…He stands with a light grey plastic package in one hand, looking more than a little bemused…He asks my name…which is unusual as his my regular postman…but I go along with it, tell him ….he looks at the address label, looks at me, back at the label…so you names Theresa …….., “Erm yes I think so I reply” he lifts his cap, scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders hands me the package and leaves…I think nothing of it at the time and get back to what I was doing…leaving the package on the sofa for later…..

Much later!….

So sometime after lunch, I remember finally about the package laying dejected upon the sofa….I retrieve it and turn it over in my hands trying to guess what I had sent for…it’s always Christmas here I never remember what I order…as I turn it over, there written in huge black letters on one side are the words Odd Balls, below is written doing our bit towards testicular cancer…..😁, I remember at once of course palm slap….I ordered more woman’s shorts undies, they’re lush, soft and the brightest garish design and colours….yeah I know what if I have an accident or taken ill😁, but least they will be clean….😁Anyhow it’s then I relive the odd looks from my postie….of course the poor man knows I live alone, and there I am getting Odd Ball pants delivered,….oh well least in his eyes things are never dull 😁😁😁😁😁. Well that’s enough from me I’m away to swing me pants…Take care of yourselves folks and look after you 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜x

January 1st 2024

Long after the last firework muted off into the distance, once again another year begun, much the same as it’s predecessor, all noise for 30 seconds, quiet and understated, only difference between this year and those now a dim and distant memory, was I had joined the throngs of thousands, all of us making this our year of big changes, (new years resolutions) I knew many of our number would infact fall by the wayside even before the clock struck 12:30, But with teeth gritted, my loins girded, i was filled with a brand new determination, I had built myself this image, a picture of what it was I aimed to achieve and achieve It i would.

So what was the ambitious new project, Goal, Now that is a Good and legitimate question?, not one I really needed to ask of myself though?, because I already knew the answer ..I had always known, But this year it would happen, by hook or by crook I would drag this thing into fruition,. What I needed most folks was to work on me, the whole of me. from the inside out, I grew so tired of my weight issues, My stagnant pond weed covered lifestyle, it’s almost as if everything had ground to a halt, full stop, a nothingness!., as if I’m sitting on the sidelines waiting and watching while everyone scores that truly great home run., Here I sit, a champion procrastinator, growing ever more tired of being tired, trying to protect my loved ones from my constant daily battle with illness…. I had established long ago that this is totally and utterly down to me, There will be no magic pills, potions, surgery or wizardry,. All the help I receive will have to come from within me.. I have to pull up my colourful heart covered compression socks and get my full weight behind this here venture(please excuse the pun, but it was intended😊).

To look at, (please don’t though, hides behind nearest object, poop it’s the clothes horse😊). , but I’m plump, curvy, overweight and all those other polite, yet somehow still deadly comments banded about so trivially by the well meaning.. , So ok let’s call it as it really is, (Whispers in a soft voice,) I am infact clinically obese, there Ive finally said it, it’s out there folks….Jeez how I hate that sodding word though. But it’s the truth, I’ve always had weight problems, since the tender age of sixteen… it wasn’t quite as obvious as it is now, i would go so far in fact to snog a politician, while being stone cold sober 😁,if I could just go back in time and resume being a little curvy!..I would even go on an elevator blindfold(a very real phobia of mine) for a day just to drop a few dress sizes, would even wear the dress, arghhhh!!!, Oh hell no, step too far😊 but such is my desperation. Folks for as long as I can remember weight followed me about like an overstuffed luminous blimp, Screaming look look fat bird, lard ass, wide load,eclipse of the sun in full progress…..Ive tried out manoeuvring it but the bugger always finds me…

And before you look at the screen disgusted, let’s share a few facts, despite the weight issues I’ve not eaten one take out meal in the last 18 months, I physically cannot bring myself to eat anything fried, for both health reasons, and I simply loathe it😊, ..What’s more I used to adore a piece of cake at one time, but even this is so far back now, I fail to remember the last time,(sad innit). Sweets yes I love a kitkat, Galaxy, Revels, but only rarely indulge, maybe Christmas 😊,. Food despite my loving it, the aroma of cooking, the taste and textures I can in fact surprisingly take it or leave it, and leave It do more often than not..

Most days if I’m lucky I will eat once daily, I’m unsure why or when this began, I think it’s always been that way actually, to the point if I’m occupied I forget to eat, I rarely feel any hunger, in fact it’s not until around 6/7pm of an evening when I settle down, that i even start to feel any ill effects of this fasting, Normally breaking out in a slight cold sweat, feeling a bit shaky, but even this I can and often do ignore probably to the detriment of my health,. As long as I’ve a bottle of water to hand or my beloved coffee😊, I find food just a vehicle,fuel to get me through to that next day…

So now I see you all pointing at the screen full of accusation…yeah I see yah, ….So when you do eat I bet it’s a massive meal right?!!!!, Nope you would be mistaken..my dinners these days mainly consist of a portion of meat, (Chicken, Turkey, fish or of course a vegetarian option, then a pile of vegetables, lots of lentils, pulses..rarely potatoes im not overly fond, even less likely carbs,. Everything is cooked from scratch at home, no thick cream laden sauces or gravy for me please😊…just tasty home made wholesome food, . I think if we break it down, I can maybe manage roughly around 1000/1,500 calories a day…

So you see food has always been an issue for me, (just not how you imagine on seeing me though, (my size)… Surprisingly it’s eating it….

Unkindly I’ve had so many comments over the years from people at the supermarket, thinking their entitled to comment about my weight or my imagined out of control gluttony, As if those with weight issues are somehow deaf, or too engrossed in their next meal fix to comprehend their insults, Salad dodger has always being a favourite of many (sighs of the lack of imagination!), Another time a Gentleman(I say this out of politeness only) pointed a finger at me quite directly in an Essex Aldi, while turning to look at his very young son, remarking with free flying spital taking to the air, “And that(same finger directed at my face) is why we don’t allow you sweets, look at her and take heed”, . Too hurt and somewhat shocked by his remarks, I remained silent., But inside rage and shame filled me, eating away at my very core, I longed to scream out at the injustice, state my truths, That I hadn’t in fact, eaten anything in nearly 24 hours, like most days unlike with his cans of sugar laden red bull in hand., Others become transfixed with anything Ive placed in my shopping cart, sneering, looking down their dear little noses, …When I do finally manage to find some words to speak up, plead my case, it’s to fall on deaf ears, for they have their evidence right there,. made their judgement!!!, I’m guilty as charged, My outward appearance alreading leaving them in no doubt…Doctors have been no better laughing in my face, family members with words of wisdom, If you do only eat once daily then you would be built like Twiggy Treez(a 70s model children), the fact is I’m not though, I’m over weight for my height..and this has been my lifelong battle, even to the point, I have been refused life saving surgery by one specialist back some 12 years ago now, his reasons were because despite living on a diet of one can of soup and six plain rice cakes daily for six weeks, I hadn’t lost a solitary lb, The doctor called me a bare faced liar that day!, He went so far as to say it was impossible for anyone to not lose weight following that diet, …ok impossible, improbable as these statistics seem, it happened to be the truth, …the surgery would have been to remove my Gall bladder..which the same Doctor still smiling, enjoyed punishing me further by telling me in great detail what was likely my outcome was…It could burst at anytime, Spreading toxins throughout my bloodstream, Any chance of survival?, remote at best. I’ve been left in agony ever since….sent away feeling the lowest of the low, unworthy and detesting my body still further. Any one suffering from Gallstones, will tell you, not only do you have to be careful of everything you eat, the pain is excruciating, there’s no real pain relief to alleviate it either….

It’s funny I remember my mother once telling me that as a infant, she had convinced herself i wouldn’t survive, because rather than eat, sleeping the day away was preferable for moi😊, This does make me wonder though if even back then I felt any hunger, I rarely cried apparently unlike my siblings. …I do however know belonging to an EDS(Ehlers Danlos syndrome) forum, That many of us lack sensation in parts of our bodies, hunger being one of these…So whats going to be the outcome for me, how can I effectively lose weight then?. Well I’m desperate now and taking a risk, a punt, and the odds are not in my favour, because dieting only increases the odds of more issues with my Gall bladder . But as I said in the very beginning of this, I’ve had enough, The extra weight adds to the already existing joint pain, it’s not helping the lymphedema I have either and other health conditions…So now my options are limited to zero really, I can stay the way I am, hoping that my health holds out or I can cut my food intake once again, eating only fresh food, no preservatives or additives, no sugar, honey, little in the way of carbs,

Surprisingly living a healthy lifestyle, is not easy or cheap either, but with choices running out, and NHS doctors unwilling to investigate putting it mainly down to laziness on my part, I’m going to do what’s needed, Since the 1st of Jan, I’ve lost roughly 3 stone, 42lb,. Living on such few calories, I do worry for my health but there is few other options left open for me, it’s not sustainable long term I know this, but I’m hoping with some weight off, I can become more active, after which I can increase my food intake a little once more…maybe actually eat, while eating healthy to maintain my weight,. I will of course keep you posted on my progress, Goodbye for now folks and whatever your doing out there this weekend enjoy and stay safe …❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Saturday 9am…

It’s Saturday, I wake groggily from a somewhat fitting nights sleep, it’s a glorious morning already but I barely take it in, as I draw back the heavy lined red and grey Tartan curtains, I do however notice the chill upon my still partially sleep warmed skin, an involuntary shiver reminds me..it may look like a beautiful spring April morning, but it’s a trick ..

I move on swiftly onwards to the coffee section part of the morning, which starts as always by the turning on of the kettle, dropping a heaped teaspoon of my favourite blend in my thermo mug, then while it comes to the boil, I run along to the fridgetory of a bathroom, after performing a somewhat perfunctory wash and a promise I hurriedly dress,, I’ve already grabbed my clean clothes on the way through, there’s no way you can hang about in a state of undress in this cold flat, (certainly makes you move your butt that’s for sure, and I do😊.

After I pour the hot water into my mug, spiral whispers of steam twist and dance about each other like lovers., As they do the airs filled with a hit of smoky roasted coffee bean promise, I walk back into the relatively warm cocoon of a bedroom, coffee in one hand, newspaper in the other. It’s Saturday I fully intend to go back to bed enjoy my coffee slowly and relax into the weekend, that was fully my intention…😁

But it’s not what happened, what does however is filled with a sudden unexpected impatience, I feel the need to weigh myself…I don’t know why?, As I had promised myself and my diet buddy daughter Becky, I wouldn’t attempt this until at least Saturday the 17th… But there I cheated!,..Yeah I know I should have waited, a promise is after all a promise, but once this devilment crept into my mind, there it was, brooking no denial..even as I grabbed up the lightweight, blue and white glass scale, I’m thinking put it back in its hiding place at once!..leave it behind the sofa, propped up against the cold stark white wall where it belongs…it’s Saturday morning for goodness sake, you’ve not even had coffee yet!, read the paper…your really not even officially fully awake come to that!..but that’s the sensible side of me speaking.

It is Saturday, it is only the 10th, but now on auto pilot I lay the blue and white glass scale down on the very same dark blue marle patterned carpet square as I always do, it’s become a thing, (my thing), a tradition, known to all dieters across the land..we all know if you put it anyplace different you will have not only not lost weight, but worse yet gained…I tentatively put one foot onto the icy cold glass quickly..little red numbers flash up in the small clear window. Even now at this stage, I want to back off and hide the damn thing, before it can bring my whole weekend crashing downward about my ears. but I dont…holding my breath, crossing my fingers, gingerly I step fully on it now…part of me doesn’t want to open my tightly scrunched up eyes, I want to wait suddenly, I’ve spent three whole weeks, watching every last morsel of food I put into my mouth(and believe me it is mere Morsels), also being completely sugar free, keeping on the move..I’m scared to find out if all my hard work has amounted to nought.nothing nada,.I’m terrified of that instant blow of disappointment.

But I’m here now, I may as well do this, get it over, I look down at the red flashing numbers, they spin back and forth, not knowing today’s mood is totally dependent on where they halt, as they finally stop for the last time, I’m gobsmacked..the numbers are in..and I struggle to take in, comprehend what I’m seeing , I get off, get back on, letting the numbers settle, and there it is, and there I am, only now there’s less of me..not just that, but much less…16lb to be precise..

 I cannot begin to express my building excitement, I’m ecstatic, I long to run outside and grab someone and tell them my news, but there is no one!, like here, I’m alone in my joy, I have no one to share with…I drop texts to one or two people on messenger, but it feels empty, I know I should be happy, the weight loss itself should be reward enough in itself…but I hate the having no one to share my goals with, no one to be excited for me, it’s a sudden cold damper on my previous elation, joyful mood..but that’s just momentary…the hard work has paid off, I’m still over a stone lighter and I’m here sharing…sharing with you…can’t think of anyone one better…Thank you for letting me good folks, whatever your doing this weekend, enjoy and stay safe, look after you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Week. 4 .of Sugar free.

Yes I have made it through yet another week,(I really did it !)although it was touch and go there for a fair while getting thyself over week THREE!!!, . I saw my way through the valley of no cake, and will fear no sugar..(Who the hell am I kidding here!, certainly not myself, because I can in fact still hear that siren call of the  lone surviving chocolate orange, hidden away in the deep dark recesses of my bedroom cupboard, it is a seductive little minx., And last night it nearly got me folks, ..it was being all flirty with its smooth sugary sultryness, tempting me just to reach into that cupboard and wrap my shaky hot fingers about it’s orange shiny wrapping, the image flitting across my crazed mind…my brain playing devil’s advocate, “Go on Treez get it” , “you know how good it would feel all melting across your tongue” ” you need that smooth sweetness”, “no one would ever know”!!!!!, Go teach that blooming chocolate a lesson it won’t forget just EAT IT!!. . I violently thump my pillow into some sort of submission, head still screaming for a taste of chocolate,there I lay back down in my bed, in the cool hours of the morning picturing the bathroom scales hurling abuse at me, oiiiii lardy! will one of you get off?, Only one at a time now please…this in itself was is sobering reminder…

If your wondering why I have not just thrown everything out that i,m trying to avoid instead of putting up with the constant torture,?(I do ask myself that, especially at night😁)Well The answer is right there, “Avoidance”,. I realised many years ago, just because something is out of sight, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s also out of mind, because that’s anything further from the truth, and eventually I’m going to come into contact with sugary food at some point in the near future, what I’ve found to work best for me is to strengthen my resolve, my will, ..so when I next venture forth into the supermarket, im not going to be over powered by the over coming urge to buy the whole confectionery aisle, sit myself down in the middle of it cramming in every kind sweet and cake imaginable, Surrounded by a mountain of wrappers and people looking on in disgusted..It may still scream at me from time to time, but i,’ll just keep walking …

I’m also finally realising that sugar as glorious as it once was(and ohh how it was). it will only ever be a temporary plaster(band aid), a mood fixer, it may lift my mood for the short term, then of course there would come that need to top it up with yet more sugar at any given point during the day to stave off a major crash, (and boy do I crash) ..This week several things have happened that normally would see me reaching out for the nearest treat or any large multipack of chocolate 😁… Here though I’ve been using my own brand of self hypnosis and determination!

lard!!!!!it’s all lard..😫

Any of you remember that stuff?, I have heard it’s making a resounding come back in places,(😫that’s pretty much what it did to my insides too😁, but just over and over, especially as mother cooked all our food in it). Since then it has become pretty much a very real phobia of mine…I can’t even look at a pack without feeling really nauseous, even just thinking about it my stomachs doing flips, ..so here’s how I use that imagery for my own ends, Take Chocolate for instance, when it reaches that lovely warm smooth melty critical mass and it melts in the mouth,(stop it Treez) it has that very simular cloying texture thats reminiscent of the dreaded white fat stuff..And then it doesn’t take much for me to imagine instead of my favourite Galaxy bar, its actually a pack of ….. Blurghhhh nope let’s not go there ….!, Only issue with This, it works a little too well at times.even to the point if I walk passed chocolate in a shop….I actually feel my stomach churn 😁.

It’s with some regret I bring bad news …..

It was awful folks, I really don’t know how Ive made it through those last 24hours, I’m still unsure. But Tuesday was going so well too,. Despite having yet another run in with my energy provider, I didn’t crumble..Pulling my XXL real woman’s shorts up, taking the bull by the horns,(been a very long time since I did that…behave woman , down girl!😁) But joking aside I scrapped together and ounce of confidence from someplace, just enough to call the citizens advice bureau first, from there my energy provider..I hate making calls, it is in fact yet another deep seated phobia of mine and there is many…for someone as verbose as myself, from that first Hello I trip over all my words, I forget everything I want or need to ask then im left feeling both frustrated and disappointed at myself. With some new found determination though I manage to get my point across, it was a huge help that the guy I spoke to had the most amazing sense of humour, Soon we were on first name terms, chatting about our homes, schools, music, families, and before I knew it we had covered the task at hand, it was not only painless but enjoyable, after I mulled over this and it felt kind of weird😁 but a good weird., Speaking as I find though, every single call system needs an Adam manning their phones😁, when it was done I came away not only sorted, but with a new found confidence…So much so I decided to celebrate with a coffee, plus it left me hungry and coffee does a brilliant job at stifling any hunger, high on life and three earlier strong coffees😁, I almost skip out into the kitchen..I flick the switch on the kettle, while waiting I clean up….and I clean up…and up, then it dawns on me suddenly, there’s no noise coming from the kettle, come to that no blue light either😮.

 Did I forget to flick the switch? (yes that will be it)It Happens😁, but on checking it out I see no it’s right down and the kettle remains ever silent, not only silent but cold, I try turning the socket off and on, nothing!, I change the fuse..still it doesn’t burst into life, I walk away crest fallen, and sad…no coffee!, …several times later during that day I go back to try again, just hoping against hope it had needed a rest right?!😁, because I have used it plenty over the years, I know you will find that hard to believe😁, …So then I try creeping out there on tip toe hoping to catch it unawares, I just want, ney need that one last coffee, please please please just one more, I plead to the great caffeine goddess Beannora, as I quickly push down the button marked on….nothing, no bubbling of water, no gurgling, or gentle jiggling on its base as it heats, no intermittent plumes of steam, it sat sad and cold..I had to face up to it as disarming as it was, my little blue lit kettle wouldn’t glow into life no more, my wonderful little provider of all things hot coffee, was now deceased, dead no more, it was sadly a dead kettle….how would I survive…

I rushed in grabbed my tablet, straight onto “The Amazon”, there I began flicking through page upon page of shiny new kettles, still in grief from the loss of Craig(my kettle) yes I name all my electrical goods, I try to find a replacement but none of them are Craig, their not even like Craig!, they’re not fast boiling, have a blue light, or jiggle cutely on their base…what’s worse they won’t arrive for days, maybe weeks, 😮, Ive had a bereavement for goodness sake, don’t they know that every Brit worth their salt, needs to put on the kettle at the first sign of trouble, as I pour over the pages of every colour and shape of water heating device, I feel this over whelming sense of guilt come over me, poor Craig isn’t even cold in the recycling yet and here I am looking for his replacement, what sort of person does that?, One desperate for coffee thats who, I wipe away a stray tear as I finally bite the bullet and press buy now on a brand new kettle…yesterday I welcomed into my kitchen Caleb,. His bigger and ok as far as things go…but his not Craig and never will be….bye Craig my trusty kettle, gone but never forgotten….right let’s go make coffee ☕…..😁, whatever your up to this weekend folks, stay caffeinated, I mean safe, and take care of you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Last week I wrote at some length about my on going battles with a Sugar addiction, (yes truly there is such a thing, if you think I’m making it up, telling stories, exaggerating, then how about trying something for me, go sugar free for one week, seriously give it a go if your feeling brave, don’t you just love a challenge? No me neither😁, .

But challenge it is, trying to stave off craving something sweet, sugar laden and carb filled has become somewhat of a nightly ritual, that very minute I lay me down to sleep, I fantasize about food,(yes I mean “Fantasize”) it parades itself temptingly passing my very eyes like a common street trollop, a floozy, lines upon lines of sugary doughnuts,cream cakes, chocolate bars waggling suggestively, and here’s another thing, I don’t even like doughnuts🙄…then try as I may to distract my brain away from this thought pattern, it’s lured back, it’s hopeless for even my dreams now are filled with food, every kind and type of delicious food, somebody help!!!!😁 … I am on the upside now she says shakily,, well at least past the headache stage anyhow thank goodness, it’s bad enough not being able to indulge in your favourite sugar fix, but to feel like your heads about to implode your brain leaking out through your earhole, like so much raspberry jam from a taken bite out of doughnut, (stop with the damn doughnuts imaging woman tsk ,.sighs

The downside to this malarkey is having to cook and prepare everything last thing you eat. Yes theres no more stabbing of that plastic top on your dinner for one micro meal folks, or grabbing a crafty sandwich from Greggs, (oh how I remember Greggs Prawn mayonnaise salad baguette, wipes copious amounts of drool off screen, this was mine and my daughter’s favourite monthly treat, ok that and a cheese and onion hot roll, then a fresh cream cake of some description, Treez stop it your not helping yourself.🙄…, Sorry there was a momentary lapse in our programming, but I’m back now, ahem yes since that first week I’ve only eaten small amounts of fresh fruit, a grocery store amount of vegetables, lean meat or fish..ohhh and I forgot my nuts…. “the nuts” the six half pecans I eat for breakfast😁…

It’s at times like this im really glad I don’t venture out side to do shopping, I know full well those seductive little Cinnamon Rolls would have their way with me far to easily., least with shopping on line I have some modicum of control over my shopping habits and I also don’t have to pass by any cafes, offering all kinds of tempting treats, I’m just a weak woman folks…..

For all its hardships though, one positive outcome is it’s helped with weight loss, plus I’m gaining these momentary sporadic spurts of energy ….I know right !😮, since Covid energy is relocated to the thing I pay through nose for monthly to keep my lights on only, not something I’m overly familiar, especially within myself 😁. The other day I actually felt energetic enough to go for a walk, but the thought soon passed leaving me having to then go sit down to recover with a coffee😁. All joking aside I do feel better in myself, the progress is somewhat slow but it’s finally happening,.

 In amongst all this constant madness I’m still reading., I’m not sure how much you remember but last year I had set myself up with a goal of reading 50 books, by different authors, new ones, at least to me anyhow. The end result though was fae greater than I hoped for, I ended up with a grand total of 84, . And this year ……drum roll …I want to get through at least a 100..😁😮, yeah I know i must be blooming mad,. 😁

At the moment I’m reading a book set around the Royal mail sub post master scandal, I never thought in the very beginning of it, that I would become as gripped and invested in this book as I have, it’s extremely well written, it’s author knowing his subject… . And it’s not morbid curiosity either, I’m genuinely interested, the stories of these individual sub postmasters all going through a living nightmare, they have gone through hell, worse some still are. As I go through page after page im filled with the thought that this could happen to any one of us right now, and at any time, I read it from my bed, hiding behind a pillow, coming out long enough only to read, …..

Once this one’s done I’ve some books that have been kindly given to me by a good friend, others im reading alongside my daughter, authors my mother loved while alive, these are particularly special bringing about not only a bond with myself and Becky my daughter, but once again including my mum, it has been too painful up until this point, but now once again im filled with excitement, returning to the Times when it was like finding a hidden treasure, (sourcing that new book for mum, one I knew she was going to love), whether Becky is just being kind, humouring that need within me, a link with the past, or it’s she’s enjoying the connection too, I’m unsure,. But I do know it’s brought three generations closer and all captured by the love of the written word…. Well it’s almost time those cravings kicked in again folks, and time I eat my lovely plate of fresh wholesome veggies all the while convincing myself this is all very good for me, and no that sausage isn’t a Swiss roll …..oh well I’m sure i,’ll survive, you take care of yourselves folks until next time, stay safe ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🍰🍰🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍰.  

Waging a war on addiction…

For those of you out there right now Fighting your own addictions, let me tell you, you have my full on 100% admiration, your one brave soul, especially those with an addictive personality,. it really is a battle ground of wills, One where you know your going to come out a whole different person,but just when? And not before dodging those endless onslaught of craving bullets,. Those come out of nowhere at you and are indeed no respecter of time or place!.

Take last night for instance, (and it is mainly night when these cravings begin in earnest), They will start out mild, just fleeting a thought, a moment of wanting something food wise, it’s not always sweet either, it can be cheese and crackers, crisps, sandwich, soup or even breakfast cereal, I can normally dispel that thought without too many issues mostly, but as time wears on, the thoughts returns off and on, niggling away at me, encroaching more and more on what I’m concentrating on at that moment, even to the point I can no longer think of anything else, it ramps up to almost obsessive, the urge to eat taking control, .that’s when the real fight begins, last night I couldn’t even settle to sleep,. If I was lucky enough to drift off, I woke within minutes that unbearable urge to get out of bed and find food tearing into any logical thought I may have, eventually tiredness took over thank goodness!, I had dodged another craving bullet…tonight though who knows.

I’ve never made a secret of the fact that I love food, though not a huge eater these days, I do know what I like😊..I am somewhat of a discerning foodie never the less, I’ve never really got into that whole take out culture, rarely eating out either, i can probably count on both hands how many times over my lifetime,. My falling down point comes during mostly deep emotional moments, I am what some class as a comfort eater. And in all honesty i have used food over the years, learning mainly through experience, that I can self medicate virtually anything just by using it(food

If I’m overly tired, or during a long spell of insomnia, my body naturally reaches out, craves, sweet sugary foods, your chocolate bars, fruit chews, hard boiled sweets, If and when I’m upset, I lean more towards the stodgy calorific filling food. Anxiety, stress brings on a sudden longing for bread, potatoes, pasta, gorgeous carb laden gutbusting yummyness, portion control also at this point becomes non existent. For years I have suffered with long term bouts of depression, this brings its own issues,. I have never sought medical help for this or taken any anti depressants during this time either, I have however had the odd friend/family member(armchair experts all of them) inform me regularly that mine is more likely just the blues, rather than the full on black dog howling at the moon type., But believe me when I say this, my mood plummets to depths at times so dark I never believe im coming back up for air again, it’s cloying,relentless and suffocating, and here’s where sugar makes it semi bearable. mostly allowing me to function enough to deal with the basics, (like life), I know full well its not the answer, but it’s my answer and up until now it worked for me.

Over years of trial and error I realised eating anything that contains sugar, boosts my mood even temporarily, giving me that energy Im lacking, I also know only too well that this is just a sticking plaster and yes I will come back down to earth with a bump, but by then I’ve shoved yet another square of chocolate into my face or a honey soaked mug of coffee, normally both!,.. Your all shaking your heads with disgust and yes I get it,(your not alone) But work with me here a moment, it’s bought me this far. Now here comes the nitty gritty, that Large chocolate fudge cake in the room,(Elephants are so last yeah darling😁). Alongside EDS, (Ehlers Danlos) I also have an under active thyroid, Basically meaning, I only have to look at food across a crowded room and my body inhales the calories like plants photosynthesise from the sun, I swear my skin breathes in calories😁……

In my lifetime I have tried virtually every diet known to beast and humankind, with some limited success.., However Back in 2017 through vast amounts of torture or so called “exercise!!! ” and clean eating,, I somehow managed to lose over 5 stone, (70lbs) not only did I shift much needed poundiage, but alongside this, I also gained much. For all this hard work i now found a new confidence, I dressed differently, my thought pattern became clearer, I felt healthy, it was a constant hard graft to maintain, but I enjoyed feeling lighter, free.

This was though to prove short lived, as many dieters will attest to, In March 2020 I contracted Covid, the virus itself passing quite quickly, but the long haul symptoms deciding they needed to hang around, the worst being the utter depletion of any energy, most days I managed just the walk back and forth to the bathroom, showering meant I had to lay down for at least an hour to recover, doing even the most mundane chore took forever and left me very breathless, I was too exhausted to even contemplate what I was doing to my body, weight slowly crept back on, despite my being even too tired most days to eat, my lower body was fast filling with fluid, (lymphedema), The strangest thing is despite not wanting any or all food, the one thing I did absolutely crave like crazy was a new variety of Smarties chocolate buttons, some days two packs of these were all I could manage, I’m ashamed to admit this happened all to often,

I’ve since been infected with Covid another three times , having no immunity means anything going around virus wise my body feels the overwhelming need to take on..it’s like a one woman challenge to it😁…so far and I’m not sure how yet, but I’ve made it through, it’s left behind residual little gifts, like breathlessness, chest pain, upper respiratory joy, yadda yadda yadda, …it’s boring, but its my new life after covid,(and don’t get me wrong I’m grateful I’m here) but exercise …..let’s not go there, ..just looking at Blue bell (my exercise bike) brings me out in a rash and cold sweats, I’ve in fact taken to hiding her under a fleece blanket, ok it’s my guilty secret so shoot me😁!, The weights I had and loved at one point have also now been banished to the deepest darkest recesses of my cupboard, along with my Pilates bands for company…

For now I have this sugar addiction to work on and that’s enough…, it’s never going to be easy, challenging me both mentally and physically, I’m still in the grips of going cold Turkey, headaches, cramps, shakes, nausea, night sweats and those blooming night time cravings that are endless, So why put myself through this?, mainly because the rewards far outweigh the discomfort…I spent nearly a year sugar free in 2017, and I had never felt so well in my life, after the initial outset of detoxing of course,. I saw my energy levels increased, I had fewer headaches, less stomach problems, my clarity of thought improved, I improved, the benefits were endless,

But knowing what you should do and doing it are two different things right?, Especially when going it alone, what if my mood takes that nose dive and the black dog comes sniffing about, ready to cock it’s leg at my efforts?,. It’s going to take all I have and more to not cave in, last night I dodged yet another bullet, but will I tonight?, this stage can go on for some months as I know only to well from before, and it only takes even one minor problem to crop up for me to come falling off that proverbial wagon.

Then there’s the hidden pitfalls, like did you know there’s sugar in practically everything we eat, and not just those gloriously gorgeous chocolates or cakes..the obvious. No it’s in ready made soups, tinned fruit, veg, sauces, milk, yogurts, etc…what’s worse are those foods that are supposed to be low in calories…dodging these mines mean much research and label reading…or in my case for now anyway, I will take the cowards way out and avoid them all together 😁, So if your right now tucking into lunch and that nice slice of Red velvet cake for dessert, think of me lost in the valley of the no cake for I will fear no cheesecake, 😁, but if you are,then keep me in mind, and enjoy another slice !!!!😁😁😁😁😁😁, ….. Folks if your in the UK be especially careful when your braving these storms today, stay warm and stay safe, most of all take care of you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤.

It’s been a very odd week all told, last Monday I had to have an energy assessment guy in, 🙄, (i know that’s exactly how I looked at the received the somewhat officious looking letter back two weeks ago now) What is or was an energy assessment, I had an idea but was unsure all the same.? Well I could already tell him/her whatever it is right here and now for nothing, I dont have any(energy that is)😁, and if he could possibly find it for me I would indeed be most grateful, but Im almost positive the cat got it😁.. I digress, anyway While everything here was happening, Sage the budgie(who can be sensitive to changes) went round his aunty Debbies on his cobblewomps(holidays),. I packed his wee bag the night before, feeling akin to a traitor as he had his beady eyes well and truly fixed upon me the whole time,.Now his Aunty Debbie secretly likes having him about I think, hes non stops chattering fills any home with sound and energy, .. Whereas I on the other hand hated being without my mini sound machine, The new enforced silence overpowered, made me edgy and nervous, more importantly though making me at odds with my space, ill at ease,.That said what was more of a concern was shall we Say Sages more colourful Vocabulary, .. Oh don’t get me wrong he’s the sweetest little character, and I’m prodigious proud of how well he picks up his latest word, (plus I believe he may just be best budgie I’ve had the pleasure to come across,) . He gets me in the heart every time when I’m sitting here alone and he pipes up with a sudden “you alright”?..it’s just so damn stinking cute, he also says ” I love you” and “Bit” if I’m eating and he wants some, he always wants my food 😊 ….this is all uber adorable, until I’m sat quietly doing something and from the other room a crystal clear little voice says loudly “Pervert”!!!!!, I wouldn’t mind there’s no mistaking what his saying either, and if this wasn’t bad enough he’s new word is dog doo! Only not so nice if you get me!😊….And there’s my wee bird round his aunts, Debbie likes to entertain her posh friends for luncheon, they are all members of a choir, go to the theatre. Are you getting the picture here folks?, they have met Sage twice now though and thus far we have Escaped without his bloopers, but I fear it is just a matter of time now.😁.Debbie has the swear Jar out ready.

Out of the closet….

Here in the UK we mainly call storage areas, a cupboard, these can of course range in size, shape and their function…I had thought in all my years I had virtually come across all the types, that was of course until I moved here some two years ago now. There’s is in my bedroom, what some would laughingly call a walk in closet, why laughingly? your curiosity is whetted I can already tell?, Well I’m all of 5 ft” 2″ short😊, and there’s at no point in this here closet that I can stand upright, what’s worse as soon as you get in it, it begins tapering down to a point…kind of like a block of cheese or slice of cake….mmmmmm cake 😋, shakes head come back from the dark side Treez, ..Anyhow this cupboard although indeed handy, I swear it also doubles as a weapon, I cannot count the amount of times while putting things away I’ve bashed my head,

Talking of which, have you ever done this and seen stars?, well this is becoming an increasingly regular occurrence for me,. It’s also bitter cold in there, even in the summer,. Here’s where store my bottled water, it’s always suitably chilled😊, . I’m just waiting for the day I smack my head and knock myself out cold, only quite literally though!..

Just after Christmas like most of us, I had written a long list of things I wanted to change or improve about myself and my environment in general, I made the list overly long, because then I could choose which to actually carry out, Top of the list is the most tedious, but it’s also the one that plagues me the most, decluttering, (why when I just began writing decluttering, did auto put in decapitated I guess it’s much the same😁) anyhow here’s the decapitation/ decluttering rules, really is only two…1st …if you havnt used it in six months or love it then it goes either in the recycling, charity shop pile, or Facebook free pages, ..2nd you have to clear a bag per week. I generally cover this and more easily, it’s quick, don’t over think it, don’t look at it, just put it in the correct pile, I would say it’s painless but as I’ve already said each time I smack my bloody head getting in and out this cupboard. 

But on the plus side I now have room in my cupboard to swing a small insect,should the urge happen.these strange urges have been known😊, This week I mean to set about the two large plastic storage boxes that reside under the bed… Only negatives I’ve had, are trying to gift things on the Facebook free pages, I never gift anything that’s not working, in decent condition, some things were in fact new, and I always receive plenty of offers for the actual rehoming bit, but they then mess me about on the pick up, main issue being they will offer to call if not that day then the next, so I promise the item to them, only i then get a text later saying their great aunt Tululuh has had a fall, the dogs had kittens, or the cars hiding and won’t come out the garage because it’s too cold. I know the issue, they want me to gift the item, but want to collect when they can be bothered or it’s convenient, I’ve no problem with this, just be honest from the first, I hate underhand tactics, it spoils things for others whose need is genuine. I’ve actually thrown good things away out of pure frustration in the end.

Next on my list was diet…but not so much as in calorie control folks, more in the need to eat healthier, in my lifetime I believe I’ve actually tried every diet known humanly possible, and even some not…Cambridge,500 hundred calorie, all carb, no carb, clean eating, dirty eating, Caveman only mine was more like blooming Pacman😁, some worked ishhhh, I lost a few Lbs, the odd stone only to find it again down the line later, to add insult to injury I found everyone else’s too.

But one thing I found to work really well for me was lowering my carbs, not stopping them altogether though, just being more selective and ones that have a benefit healthwise,. Bread, pasta and cereals have all gone, as has the dreaded sugar, …Giving up sugar was the hardest I’ve found, both times I’ve done this now, I have called the first month, (the oh please shoot me now month!) I hate it, my body loves sugar so bloody much it sets up a new punishment for me regime, how special 😁.. These include Headaches, oh those headaches!, Stomach Cramps, cold and flu symptoms, and an overwhelming tiredness like you won’t believe, I swear I laid on my bed some nights and ugly cried myself to sleep, ..The worse thing was I knew what to expect the second time around, the first day out my head asking me over and over on repeat “Are you bloody mad”?, In fairness i didn’t answer 😁.

The first month is now well and truly over and with some stamping of feet, hysteria and internal screaming, I survived this self inflicted torture process..I’m ok, doing fine,. If I say this often enough it may come true right?, But I’ve already noticed some positives, one is the headaches have finally gone, desisted, deceased, no more yayyyyyyy!, Another is I’m 7lb lighter, looks about self, can’t see where mind, but scales don’t lie nor my loose pants 😊, but what’s more remarkable is my thinking is clearer…yeah I know it’s hard to believe but it’s true, that over whelming fuzziness, has lifted, the looking at things in a half light, edges faded, unable to process incoming data, although having my other health issues means my thinking will always be impaired, cutting out sugar has improved the outlook though. As has going wheatfree again,..

This year although off to a slow start, I want to beat my reading score of last year. That was ending December 2023, then I had set a target to read fifty books, by as many different authors as I could find,. well not only did I succeed in this, I did so and more, the final tally was to be 84 books, this doesn’t include the 15 audio books,. Many new author’s, Genre, and I enjoyed getting to know the different techniques and styles, I found my mind and tastes stretching, this year’s book list is far greater, I’ve also included friends in on my plans this time, in hopes they will recommend new titles they have loved themselves, books that have fed their imaginations, left them wanting more, .this is deeply personal and gives me a feeling of connection not only to the author, which I always feel anyway, but to the person who chose it, a sense of knowing them better. Two friends have already joined in, I thank you both wholeheartedly, Joan and Katrina, if you want to join in feel free, I look forward to your suggestions…

 The next thing is connected to the above subject, I’m thinking of either joining a book club or starting one online, it’s early days yet for this, as thus far im deep in procrastination territory, bit lost..But it would be nice to share some discussion with other readers, plus find new books and author’s..as I say early days for this one folks, as I’m not a great joiner of things, I struggle around new people but nothing ventured and all that..oh well speaking of venturing, it’s time to stop all this lollygagging and go forth to the frozen tundra of outside to put out my Bin(trash, rubbish) ready for collection tomorrow, it’s already -3 out there folks and it’s only 5:30pm, if you don’t hear back from me send out the mountain rescue dogs…been nice knowing you😁, but in all seriousness people stay warm, take care of yourselves, until next we meet ……💜💜💜💜💜❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄💜💜💜💜💜💜💜