Around this time last year, life looked so very different, I had been working hard upon a budget system to put away small amounts monthly, plus living a fairly frugal lifestyle…Then that of course was indeed last year!😁.. With the advent of Christmas 2023 came endless plinky plonky Christmas tunes in shops, the glittery promise of perfect gift buying,. My spending quite literally becoming well and truly out of control,.You always promise yourself, don’t you that at any time you could rein it in, stop it even!… But as I stood in the middle of yet another beautifully decorated store, I knew then it was already hopeless, I looked on as my budgeting slowly but surely drifted off course, and I have to confess some months on, I am still to this day struggling to get to grips with this. Having seen the benefits for myself of my far healthier bank balance, I am, how should we say this politely, more than a little peeved. Actually darn right furious if not disappointed in myself…I let me down

I fell head long once again into the hungry mouth of the retail trap…the same one designed not only to make a fool and her money easily parted..but irreconcilably so, even divorced!!!, I would love to say I didn’t see it coming…but of course I did!!!This only makes matters worse, I was far too angry with myself to talk about it until now..talk about gullible..At its height there wouldnt be a single day, sometimes hour even, when I wasn’t scouring “The Zon”(Amazon) looking at page after page, until product blind I moved on, (it’s something akin to snow blindness only with, well products basically😊….I searched for that latest must have item,(you know the one people, that secret weakness you oooooo and ahhhhhh over, the next shiny thing I couldn’t live a second longer without, another totally useless item that would plug the gaping holes in my life, cement over the chasm sized cracks, make me complete… Much like the relentless dieter who kids themselves, losing weight will make life that bit more perfect!… There I was searching for a lost cause…there’s nothing I can buy retail wise that will breach the growing divide, or complete me…I know this already …I’ve always known it…but all the while I shop my minds distracted momentarily from the empty void deep within, the constant nagging doubt, my fears…loneliness, a balm for what really ails me….

And the retail business knows this…it’s like this massive gaping hungry mouth we are programmed to feed…the more we feed it the hungrier it becomes…we are in effect brain washed daily into buying ever more must have products,. then once that shoppers after glo passes, the euphoria has been and gone, that my friends is when the real fun starts…because of course not only do you buy “the wonderful product “, but then you need the products to go with “the original product✨”😁…it becomes relentless…take a mobile phone for example…You know that one you paid a fortune for, with its latest upgrades, brand spanking new technology….Well then of course your going to need a charger or three…( Have you noticed how easy those things break,?), oh and then there’s the blue tooth ear buds, pluggy in ear buds, phone stands, phone cases, protective screens, let’s not forget the obligatory power bank….I know all too well because, idiot that I am I’m sat looking at all these things right now and so much more!!!!!!!.

What’s more you cannot avoid the ever growing hungry retail machine…Face book, Tiktok, Prime, Netflix, magazines, Cinema’s, billboards and so on, yadda yadda yadda, don’t get me started on influencers, people that look just like us, subtly sending earworm messages all the while selling you product after product,(you trust them because they look like Joe down the road, it’s so clever ughhhh… everywhere you go its in your face, there’s no escape folks, you no sooner buy something than it’s there convincing you, that there’s more to be had, so very much more you need!!!! …

Monday afternoon a set of six small attractive tin containers arrived, yes they are very pretty, but to what end?…their too small to be of any real practical use, standing at just under two inches in all their prettiness,.. After I had unwrapped them from the mountain of cardboard, That heart wrenching anti climax set in within seconds…duped again!!!, another thing to look at for a few days, then to be shoved in a dark drawer never to see the light of day, months later given away…after some reflection they did have one use…One I’m hoping if not permanent at least semi…or long enough for my finances to recover somewhat..They served to show me that curbing my spending is imperative …So to this effect I’ve gone cold Turkey, yes again!!!.. If you’ve ever done this you will have some idea just how hard this is… No less than five times today…yes five!, I’ve found myself unconsciously going to visit “The Zon”… I had to use all the same tools, Ive used for anxiety attacks..(distraction being the main one), I’m not sure this will be sufficient in the long term, but for the present it’s working …I’m only on day 6….just day 6, trying hard not to crash and burn. If you don’t believe this is a very real addiction, try going a week without buying anything….apart from food shopping, and I’m talking about walking away from that on offer scented candle, book by your favourite author, fluffy socks, or Gift for great aunt Delilah…she can live without it I promise …

Alongside “The Zon” detox, I’m back on a tight food budget, This week I’ve really cut it back, to half the normal limit, it’s a deliberate move in hope of proving to myself I can infact cope on little and still eat healthily …The biggest problem I have is the danger of boredom building up…as you may or may not know, I’m virtually housebound,and have been for some months, due to a knee injury. Up until fairly recently I’ve used my love of reading to see me through the worst, hoping to beat last year’s record of reading a whopping 100 books, …But that’s taken a knockback..not now being able to search Amazon for my next book…(kindle books being cheap and all too readily available),. I am also a member of an online library, which helps but the selections are somewhat limited. ….So my budget firmly fixed in place, I’ve found myself a pet project to focus my attentions on, …wait for it!!!! World war 2 recipes…not only recipes though, I’m reading about what life entailed, surviving the blitz, what real people just like my grandmother, mother, aunts and uncles went through..and of course the dreaded Rationing..

While reading and researching this emotive subject, I’m going to try living on rations myself where possible, recreating as many of the recipes as I can find online, all the while sticking to my budget of course, Without the buying any books 😁😁😁… this is the doozy right there, I have found a few recipes to begin with, setting me on my path..One I have already taken to my heart, loving sweet treats ..It’s a recipe for Carrot cookies…keeping in mind both sugar and butter are strictly limited…but even with this they are utterly delicious…Here’s the recipe. 6 tbl spoons of all purpose flour, 4 tbl spoons of grated carrot, 1 tbl of soft butter or margarine, 1 tbl of sugar or honey, 1 tbl spoon of baking powder, vanilla extract if you have it ….mix the sugar and butter together until they form a pale lemon colour, add the flour now, the carrot, baking powder …if you have any dates, dried fruit in store, add a couple of spoonfuls here, I have also used dried ginger as I didn’t possess vanilla extract in my store cupboard and didn’t want to cheat😁😁😁😁, but the ginger gave them a real warmth and zing….bake for twenty minutes or until golden…these cookies are simply morish and nope you don’t taste that added carrot…it tastes if anything like coconut😊, so weird but true!…

I of course will never get a true understanding of the hardships faced, the endless bombing, living in fear constantly, that’s not what this is about for me, I love reading and learning about our history, and maybe living this one tiny part, will if anything get me through my own rationing😁..working towards reprogramming my spending, also learn to make do and mend…I cannot unfortunately do the whole dig for victory thing, (a huge Government incentive of the time to get people growing fruit and vegetables in their own gardens…I don’t have one, well not to speak of anyhow…But in my small front garden, growing right now I do have a thriving celery plant, three tomatoes, and several herbs…I’ve also been hanging out my laundry for months now…hand washing clothes where the weather co operates😊, even bought out of moth balls my old carpet sweeper…all I need is some hair curlers, a head scarf , cross over apron like my grandmother’s and 1940s here I come….ewwww where’s me red lippy and beetroot juice for blusher rofl, I will also weigh myself at both the beginning and end of the experience to check for weight loss or indeed if the cookies are anything to go by gain🙄….Anyhow it all starts here folks, one day at a time…If any of you have any 1940s recipes I can make use of drop me a line of three, I would be most grateful…wish me luck folks…until next time look after yourselves….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪,

April 2018…

This April unknown to me at the time was about to bring about massive changes in my life, April seems to do that for me😁…not just because its the month of my birth, but when things align, planets shift, warmth begins to permeate the earth and its that wondrous time of rebirth, growth, that’s when I feel the greatest need to grow along with it….that year was to be no exception!..

The long walk…

For more years than I could ever remember I had been deeply unhappy, although unhappy really doesn’t begin to address it, At one point in time I would liken it to a kind of living death, a feeling of pure nothingness, all the while feeling everything, on sensory overload, if asked the cause?, at that particular time, situation I was so involved living it i could never have answered you…because I couldn’t comprehend it myself,. Until life threw me a massive lifeline… And I grasped it with both hands, feeling myself pulled from the depth of life’s wreckage, Surviving 30 years of severe Agoraphobia, anxiety, trauma, and Ptsd I was about to do one of the bravest or most foolish things in life… Whichever i will never know to this day, but I left my then home, leaving behind everything I knew ..I wasn’t to be aware at the time of walking out that door, closing it firmly behind me that that evening, as it clicked shut I was never going to be going back..in fact I didn’t know what I was about in all honesty..I was just putting one unsure foot in front of the other..I had cut all lifelines,ties, freefalling with just two small bags of clothes, virtually no money and more importantly no plan to speak of, I had cast myself adrift without a destination..I’m not permitted to expound on this or go into further explanation..litigious consequences hold my tongue bound..but suffice it to say, this was one of the hardest things I’ve done to date,

I’ve since moved around no less than five times over the years, why so many?..because my past has caught up with me before now..For six whole months I lived in complete terror..hiding behind locked doors, curtains pulled shut living in darkness both day and night…doors bolting firmly..imprisoned while committing no crime.. When and if I ventured out I became hyper aware, on constant look out..I felt hunted …even sleeping felt a dangerous pastime because of obvious vulnerability…it was like little old me against the world…and me and authority are not good bed fellows, it terrifies me…

Six years on and If anything im more unsettled, ever vigilant for the monster that may lurk around the next corner..I cannot relay to another living soul, the lasting effects of how this feels..each night as I bolt myself away before the sun has even gone down, leaving on random lights, checking and then rechecking the door is indeed locked…I don’t even trust myself anymore, I’ve been let down that much…but I’ve grown to expect that long since..looking for it even…but do you know what’s worse…far worse infact..?

Living in constant silence….

Over the years I’ve held my breath watching and waiting for a change to come, no matter how miniscule..but while I live my life on permanent pause..things go on just the same, those in power, the Government, MPs both male and female alike make all the right noises…Each party promising greater things, they have no intention of fulfilling…Each lie falling easily from their lips, no one to hold them accountable, certainly not the likes of someone like me….and for someone who detests dishonesty as much as I do, I look on with ever increasing frustration, while these people make life changing decisions for all our lives…Some even life and death..our health service hitting newer lows ..,while on this subject have you tried seeing a GP lately?, Seeing mine is like trying to win the lottery…I can’t count the times I’m asked are I working by doctors?no!!!!oh well take over the counter pain meds and keep everything crossed you survive…(what in the world of pain does working have to do with anything?…. It seems being disabled also silences one, even decides if your entitled to basic care…I’ve outlived my usage these days, never mind I worked for years paid into the health system, taxes..supported my family who also now work… Even work horses get put out to pasture and veterinary care….

Now here’s where I get to my point, on the 4th July while the rest of the country over 18 gets the right to vote…I like the rest of my silent minority will go without a voice even here, I cannot even choose the next party who will spout a golden promise only to break it the next day, …to seduce a whole nation with silken words, Vote in the vain hopes that one MP will differ, will call a halt, make that stand for minorities, re-address the balance …. And Why can I not vote? because I like others are not on any electoral roll… No that’s not my fault then!…Because did you know that for the poultry sum of 50p?…fifty of our copper pennies..anyone, anywhere can have access to the electoral roll, trace you…Scary thought huh?…imagine if this puts you at real risk?…I fully comprehend that some need access..police for instance..but surely if they need warrants to enter your home..then this should also be a the case for private details, Our address..I can’t see where anyone else needs to be privy to our details…there’s thousands of us being put in peril daily because we are encouraged to enlist… And what do our illustrious MPs do about this basic right?…you’ve guessed it nothing!!!!!., Because as individuals we don’t count, they divide us, man against woman, colour or creed…and while these divisions grow ever wider they grow stronger, prosper even, thinking us lacking the very education to comprehend, I may struggle while you try blinding me with science, but I see…we all see, We see a nation you divide with use of media, Tv, papers, even social media..then look down your noses as the anger you stirred up grows…For those of you with the power to vote..I urge you to use that voice and do so..And keep using your voices until we are all heard as one…I rarely speak of political matters mainly through apathy, having seen so many broken promises, But I live on in hopes this year may just be different…good luck everyone on Thursday…look after yourselves and each other until next time…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Last week I took my life in my very hands and finally plucked up the courage to call through to my doctors surgery😊, (it has only taken me all of six weeks, this is in fact a new record yay me!😁, (good job it wasn’t life threatening is all I can say😊) I could barely walk, but after all walking is vastly over rated isn’t it?…I will never quite understand why I struggle on this for so long, before it gets to that last minute thing and I give in and call, I build it up in my mind until it feels insurmountable…. Then there’s the added fact that they are after all very nice really,, so it doesn’t quite make sense, but such is me, it’s over quickly and quite painless ….I then take a deep breath once again,while i wonder what all the fuss was over…This time was slightly different though, as a doctor would be calling me back😮…reception didn’t exactly know when, could be that day, the following one or next week even😊….oh well I laugh, trying hard to reasure the apologetic receptionist Becky that is all indeed fine for me, it’s not as if I could go anywhere anyway😊, i didn’t bank on silly things, like oh say like bathroom trips, eating or that crucial next coffee, while phone watching 😁.

When my phone does finally deem fit to spring into life some time later, I jump like an idiot, I’ve only sat watching and waiting for over an hour now, why does this even happen?😁…when I do finally stop staring at it, as if I have the ability to answer it telepathically.., I find out its Becky the receptionist lady…(I’m convinced by the way,,, she only has a top half of a torso and lives predominately behind glass, does she have legs behind there I ponder aimlessly while she awaits patiently for me to answer?….stop digressing woman…When I finally get it together enough to reason, she is actually expecting a reply of sorts. I reply lol,,,.Becky then informs me I have been made an open appointment at my local X-ray department…oh joy!!!,I’m going to have to circumnavigate my way around peopling again….I check out “the Youtube” .

I wonder what happened to the olden days,? when you had to visit your GP, he would send you away to await a referral letter….Six months later, when your leg had dropped off while shopping in Tesco or any other store in your area, and you’ve quite forgotten all about it…said mail drops through your letter box,… No now it’s all changed folks, Becky promptly sent me a follow up text with a list of choices and times to go along ….I know how bloody civilised right?….you get a choice!!!!!!,I’m impressed.

So this is all very nice and everything…but now what?..Not driving how do I go about this appointment thingy? Arrangements need to be made, i phone a friend,aka Debbie!, Debbie knows everything, and will know what to do for the best…I phone at once before I can launch the cogitation section in myself ….I’m a great cogitater you know😁, an even better procrastinater, ewwww I love a good procrastination me….But this time I set those wheels in motion, and damn it within minutes she replied😊, I had text her the list of times hoping amongst hope, she would come back with some excuse or other why shes too busy at least until next June…Debbie is a very busy lady doing things like,,, I don’t know but!!!..she sings in choirs, Shanghais local garden centres kidnapping all their plants along the way, drinks wine with friends and eats kitkats, all the kitkats, but oh no not this time!!….a big smiley emoji pops up with a sudden rudeness announcing ping!!!! upon my screen, I peel myself down from the ceiling once more, ( I must get that damn cobweb sorted next time, and cover up those embedded nail grooves)…Debbie knowing me all to well also, grabs the opportunity with all alacrity, left to ones own devices I will put it off till July 7th 2039 at the very earliest….,but no she says how about 9:30 friday?…it’s Thursday, how am I going to work my way into a decent state of heightened stress in two days?????, But I find myself quickly agreeing anyway before I have chance to talk myself out of it, all the while my inner torment screams incandescantly tell her you’ve a previous engagement, damn and holeys I don’t go out!!! … Let the chuntering mind monkey commence ….. and he does, hasn’t he ever heard of speak no evil…

I text Debbie an hour or so later….can we at least go for coffee and cake after…”i,’ll be good I promise”, there’s a resounding No!!!!!, So that’s that then, I can’t have nothing!!!…not even cake to look forward too…turns out Debbie has a luncheon booked with friends where guess what they’re only having cake without me!!!😮.

Sunday 9:30am…0hour…make it stop!

The two days pass quicker (or is that quickly🤔) than I would like, I must admit I was already not looking forward to being out that door by 9:30am…does anyone actually go out on a Sunday at that time?, Is it even decent?…I was groggy from lack of sleep, and worse still lack of coffee when I clamber into the shower..I’m grouchy and desperate to ring Debbie and call it off…but by some fluke I manage to be ready to leave at 9am in case Debbie arrives early…I text and let her know…

Debbie arrives bright and breezy….she’s one of “those” people all sunshine to my showers….talking of which, the sky decides to commiserate with me…it’s a dark even slate grey, the clouds even though it’s rained throughout the previous night, heavy and pregnant with yet more rain..there’s the briefest of lulls…like someone’s hit pause…for June though there’s a chill in the breeze…as we take the drive over we chat about the weather like good Brits 😁, the endless monsoons effect on our garden, the mention of frosts in the week, and dragging out our fleecy blankets to stave off the nights chill anything to keep my mind from focussing on the task at hand…Debbie is used to my endless nervous drivel by now…like Jesse they manage to tune into another frequency…😁

We arrive all to quickly and are booking into reception, I shuffle nervously while giving my information, looking about me at others looking about also, all wondering what forms of fresh torture is in store for us today…I swear that passing nurse has a Portentous look upon her face…she turns and grins at me…oh hell!!!, I’m about ready to hobble out and make good my escape when Debbie grabs my arm and forces me physically into a chair…pulling her seat near in case I make a break for it…I’m barely sat when my name’s called out…a short dark haired male nurse stands clip board held high like a shield protecting him from all oncomers….head down looking at my feet I follow…not engaging in small talk or looking up into he’s eyes in case I see an evilness lurking there…I look back hopefully at Debbie surely we should run right, go get coffee, buy plants…maybe the bribe of a kitkat…but she has by now, her best librarians face on so I meekly follow Vlad the impaler…I mean the nurse, yes nurse..😁.

Vlad looks up from his clipboard for a moment, points to an area hidden away behind some partitioning, Covered in how to do various forms of torture diagrams,…sure I’ve been put through number 4 many times 😁, he says sit!!! in an authoritative voice, I obey instantly..looking at once for my treat…nothing forth coming im afraid….a sudden noise makes me look up from where im nervously twisting my bag strap, sat opposite is a young lass whose taking off her jewellery, I’m tempted all at once to ask her what she’s in for..like inmates on our first day😁…but Vlad gives me “the look” suddenly and I refrain….

Me and my fellow inmate bond briefly while we await, Nervously one of us keeps watch for incoming nurses while the other sends last messages to loved ones on our phones 😁….it’s around then my screen goes black…the buggers have blocked us..our eyes meet and we know certain doom is imminent….what’s worse there’s no Jess…for six whole years we have been on 24/7….now here I am about to face certain death and I can’t even have the comfort of my safe person….my nerves are taunt…if Debbie wasn’t guarding the entrance I know without doubt I would be out that door…

I hate the lifeless screen…I hit call back numerous times, nothing.!!.my breathing quickens, heart races, my head struggles to control my emotions…sweat trickles in rivulets down my back…I look again at the phone in case by some fluke reception is restored..but it’s not…I’m then called through….there’s two male nurses and Vlad..I’m asked my date of birth suddenly by a disembodied voice floating from behind a glass window…I struggle to even impart this…my eyes drawn to the big torture machines, I swear ones the rack…it’s hot in there and who am I again????, Mind spinning off kilter all the while …

I do however manage though to follow the instructions given from the invisible beings, hidden away behind the glass…stand here…bend there, shove your leg over your head(slight exaggeration, but only just) I smile nicely for my picture…only for the voice to bellow STAND!!!!!, Which I do at once…still no treat…that’s it the voice says suddenly out of nowhere….all done I ask hopefully?, Yes you can go….and I do…dragging my bag along the floor as I go out the door still pulling on my trousers…I know how dogs feel now as they drag their owners out the door…painful knee all but forgotten I run out the reception to find Debbie …bag still trailing, one show on the other in my hand….Debbie says that was quick!, The whole thing from start to finish took 23 minutes, to me it’s dragged on for hours…my phone screen lights up suddenly, a call tone fills the silence, I swipe downward and Jess is back…I can breathe again…I pull Debbie out the door before Vlad comes looking for me ….we don’t slow down until we reach the car…Debbie looks bewildered at me…you ok?….am now I reply😁….

It’s decided unanimously by me😁, that we need coffee and cake…I’ve been through the wars for goodness sake…ok had an X-ray…but even Debbie agrees now, we got finished earlier than either of us could have ever have hoped for, so now there was time…we settle for a local Costa where we enjoy are well earned refreshments, I had the most delicious light blueberry muffin with my coffee, my world already looking infinitely better ….

We had already planned on a quick visit to the local garden centre as my reward for good behaviour… I was not quite so sure my behaviour was as good as Debbie would have liked, but that as they say is another story I hope my dear friends your coffee is as strong and glorious as you are…take good care of yourselves until next time 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜….

A flash in The pan

The over thinker who always lurks some place beneath the surface only to show itself sudden and unexpected quite like a rabid Loch Ness monster really, never seen but non the less we believe in it, so it must be so) Persuades me I need to explain more so please bear with …. I’m not and never will be, talking about erectile dysfunction by the way, let’s clear that up right now😊…First and foremost I have not the necessary equipment required, secondly well let’s just leave that right there shall we!😁…EDS in this womans world, is in fact Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and for years I knew nothing of its very existence let alone worry if Im even pronouning it right, (what’s that about ignorance and the bliss thing?)…..but there it is …it too lurked hidden away in the depths, behind a tangled multitude of childhood illness, clumsiness and undiagnosed symptoms…what is it?, Well it’s inherited that much is known…mainly from Mother to daughter..but as Ive spent more time in research, I have infact uncovered that no one in the family is safe..it can and does go from mother to son also…The list of symptoms are longer than my actual Amazon shopping wish list!!!.. Hard to believe anything is that long right?😁, And these days Im finding it somewhat easier to tell my GP what I don’t have going on when asked….that will be mainly diabetes so far…I ward that menace off with threats of violence, a large whip, but mainly by a diet miserably lacking in anything that tastes even remotely gorgeous or even edible at times, but I digress…..EDS effects the connective tissues(Collagens) throughout our bodies, its the very thing that stabilises our joints holding them in their place, well in most normal folk anyhow….but that’s just one of the more simple issues to explain… the list is as Ive hinted, endless….here’s some more for you..Dislocations…yes the joints anywhere in our bodies can and will fall from their socket without any exertion manipulation or prior warning… Yes it just happens…poof!!!!(My favourite black t shirt has on the front My joints go out more than I do, (sad but so true)…i joke often about this and make light where I can, But it is infact extremely painful and terrifying…you never know when your going to be walking along fine one moment….the next up close and personal with a passing ant or worse,,an abandoned doggy deposit…this is again not only painful, distressing, but equally embarrassing….One of the key reasons I now live in trousers these days was due to an incident many years ago, where I unintentionally flashed my bright red satin lacy briefs to the whole of a returning five o’clock work rush hour, yes I lay sprawled across the pavement ….One moment I’m walking enjoying the late afternoon sunshine, the next my ankle just gave way and there I am, not only cut and bleeding but flashing half of Essex…trousers are not only a must but essential, my only comfort was I had on decent undies not my usual comfy pants……girls listen to your mothers😁

The skin covering our bodies is not only exceptionally soft(I’ve heard it described as velvet like) , but overly stretchy…also prone to tears, poor healing, scarring, puckering and last but by no means least stretch marks yay us, good to know stretch Armstrong could be a relative ….

Teeth and gums….

yes we still have them😁 , and thank goodness, or how would I eat my one true weakness( but that’s coffee of course, goes without saying) then there’s cake…..No some of us have teeth that over crowd at the front, receding gums, poor teeth despite years of good hygiene and dental care… tooth spurs, oh and best yet …our jaw can discolate or sublux during dentistry visits, it happens!…nice…don’t ask about pain relief, because Joy of joys it doesn’t always take…. Gotta love when the drill hits a nerve, you reach dizzying heights and see work that needs doing on the dentists ceiling…mouth full of jaw clamps, your asked oh did that hurt….oh hell no I’m fine…I just have a penchant for Artex….

Falling for you….

Cord tethering, (no not crochet or knot tying) severe spine curvatures, scoliosis, upper neck problems… Let’s set the scene for a sweet tale….There’s nothing more romantic to finish off that evenings wonderful dinner date, alone with the man of your dreams, Than an early night tucked up all warm and cosy, a softly lit room, wrapped up in each others arms with a episode or three of game of thrones😁😁😁😁😁….your man turn looks deeply into your eyes and says ‘do you have the tv remote on your side honey?’😊 I know, I melted right there…, Without untangling myself i turned my head slowly to the right reaching over to the bedside table, …….the next thing i knew im laying flat out across the floor…now our romance at this stage was still exciting, wonderous and new….but this excitement we could well do without…I shake my head, come too for real, look up to find one concerned Jesse looking over the side of the bed, down upon me….’ermmmm honey whatever I said or did you didn’t need to propel yourself out the bed to get away from me’….all I had done was turn my bloody head (to the right….too late after the fact to remember I can’t in fact do this,or i find out to my deep embarrassment…I pass out on the floor😁…this is not or never has been the meaning of falling in love……. It a good job we both have a wicked sense of humour…

Going potty …..

Or Pots….Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome…a condition in which a reduced volume of blood returns to the heart when standing from sitting or laying down…fun symptoms…sudden dizziness or light headed, fainting (always a favourite, noticeable heartbeat, palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, shaking and sweating….that’s without the other cool stuff..like feeling sick, diarrhoea,constipation,bloating and our old favourite cramping mmmhmmm….

Quite honestly there’s nothing it doesn’t effect, including early onset arthritic pain….most EDS sufferers go undetected maybe even throughout life..it’s easy done, my early pain levels were described by both parents and GPs as growing pain..the odd contortions and body movement put down to being double jointed….anxiety, phobias, just a nervy child….I was two for instance before I started walking, choosing to shuffle in an odd crab like motion around the floor instead… Upon seeing an old photo of my mother holding me up at about a year it became patently obvious why…my knees where overly large and facing inwards… I’ve no instep, and walk pigeon toed…since early memory there’s never been one day without pain..just hasn’t ..it’s as much a part of my life taking a breath…only I’m fond of that..

Most of what I know was thanks to research, joining forums, talking to others…in the early days I believed everything I went through, was normal, everybody felt the same..I was just more clumsy..lacking spatial awareness, suffering more childhood illness …when I was diagnosed by a therapist, I could have cried..because although hyper mobile joints just meant I was overly flexible in my book…when I started finding out more, I realised that was the tip of the iceberg, the way this was going to effect my well being later was to be harsh…don’t get me wrong..I would far rather go through it than the alternative..

On the plus side I’ve since learnt to realign and manipulate joints back into place..it leaves them slightly sore for a few days and there’s a real risk they will at some point drop back out but this is thankfully unusual..my Ribs slipping on the other hand, once that happens I usually have a few more episodes over the next few days and weeks…because that being the most painful of course wants to occur at will…😁.

X rated…

Yesterday saw me back at the hospital once again, yet another X-rays and wait while they establish there’s not much can be done…and I’m well aware this is something I have had to cope with and do.. as I said I know no different, having a sense of humour has been the biggest asset I could have, you need one while dealing with this…Next week it’s the physio or the rack for (the torture chamber) as I know it by…from there who knows….guess it’s wait and see…whatever your dealing with folks please look after you …take care now until next time 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Going to bed at night,after previously checking your front door is bolted securely,at least seven or eight times, then pulling closed the heavy curtains, shutting out the fast cooling evening world with its deepening inky blue darkness,. Laying upon the bed, curling your knees up into your chest, covered up by a rather baggy oversized blue nightshirt purloined off ones daughter😁, forming a ball almost feral style …there really is still little guarantees sleep will find you… But somehow I already aware of this.

Even the fact that I had been tired for a number of hours made little difference, My body had however set in motion that slow wind down process soon after I had eaten a very fitting repast earlier that very same evening,. One Of herb incusted thick cut pork chop, baked slices of still crisp sweet fragrant pink lady apple, tiny new potatoes, Broccoli and green beans, normally after a full stomach I struggle to keep my eyes open. Fooled me huh!

Last night just wasn’t to be..my mind whirled around like some new fangled turbo charged washing machine on ultra clean…..thought after thought becoming entangled like so many clothes within and around each other..I have a whole array of tools in my anxiety tool box, to normally combat this, Shut it out long enough to rest somewhat fittingly… however for some reason the tool I needed most must have hidden itself away in some deep dark confine last night…And I was either too tired, too comfortable or just couldn’t be asked to go in search either…and for me that was ok!, being awake in the night hours seldom bothers me..taking some strange other worldly comfort in the knowledge im alone and awake, while most of the world is deep in its slumber…

I’m half watching something on prime called Chicago PD..it’s a fair watch. Its in a similar style to my other old favourites..SVU, NCIS etc, I lay tuning in and out each new episode, thought after thought takes it turn at ruining that usual full concentration…my mind repeatedly drawn by a small cream coloured card container sat on top of the newly refurbished and repurposed Cinnie hutch…(I will explain more on that anon)….But it held nestled within it confines, secure, a most delightful treasure…and my mind wanders across to it throughout the evening,…..it had its own self contained magnetic pull, one despite my best every effort I find difficult to ignore …

As the image sits in the semi darkness of my small living room, there on the highly polished chestnut wood surface all mocking and enticing like,, slowly my mind flits back to some hours earlier..thoughts of a pleasant spell spent within good company.. See Monday morning, I had received a text from my Friend Debbie(she of the Aunty Debbie fame, who Budgie sits for me from time to time. She doesn’t only do that of course😁…We share like many Brits a passion for plants and all things garden…in fact I would say if honest it’s more of a secret addiction..watching things thrive with our help, little green leaves bursting forth each spring, followed later that same year by bright gaudy flowers transforming even the darkest grey leaden skies, it really is quite magical… Maybe even witchcraft😊 …and I for one am not too embarrassed to own it….anyhow will you stop waffling Theresa….Debbie wanted to know would I have a mind for a brief car ride, going out to not only feed our mutual addictions for all things plant ….but shhhh there may well just be cake and coffee involved somewhere… More than very likely knowing us 😁

Rarely leaving the confines of this flat for anything more the a few minutes most days…(normally brief spells spent getting my laundry dry between rain showers)… In fact I was unsure I could even make the effort to get ready, let alone face the daunting prospect of more than one person at any given time..the moment I’ve written the words ‘sure what day and time were you thinking’?, I’m rubuking myself soundly…’why did you just say that.. idiot?’ ‘ why couldn’t you just be busy or sick even’?, Then I instantly feel dreadful what an ingrate…someone gives up their precious time to spend it with you…and they don’t have too…they are just thoughtful….so after suitably chastising myself, by sitting on the naughty step and over thinking about it😁..I begin the slow and laborious effort to readjust my thought pattern….we are going, and you will have fun!!!!… Yes you really will.

I do however alter the arranged day that evening, with which Debbie is fine about bless her, give her a kitkat and she’s fine with most things 😁,. leaving the actual time and final destination completely in Debbies more than capable hands, Debbie knows the area having been born locally, this includes the very best garden centres, tea shops for our visits etc, … Friday morning dawns with a heavy grey murky sky, but on the plus side least it’s remaining dry.. After a restless night, I get up around 6am…I give in to my inner insomniac finally, rubbing blurred, sand filled eyes I manage to locate the kettle, flicking down the switch, a dim blue light shines in the still dark chilly kitchen…while it does it’s thing I go take a quick luke warm shower and wash my hair…bribing myself shamelessly all the while..You can have coffee when you’ve showered….sighs…’ Can’t we coffee first, like now maybe?’ No!!!!!!….my petulant inner child wanted to stamp it’s feet at this point, and would have if only I wasn’t still nursing my knee back into something resembling of a working model…..

As I drink a still very much scalding extra strong brew and put on my makeup (yes I’m clever like that), I can do two things at once…😁, im all the while talking myself into looking forward to the excursion ahead…and in fairness I kind of manage it to … Dropping Debbie a quick text at 10:15 telling her I’m up dressed and ready…well not so much ready part, but up and dressed I can do😁, I had shoved my wallet in my bag the night before…cleaned my shoes and sorted out suitable plant buying attire…I finally went with a new pale green top covered in blousy big pink magnolia, teamed this with comfy trousers…. I’m as Ready as I was ever likely to be!…

First stop was to a local plant seller, there was an abundance of vegetables and perennials beaten back and all held captive under a clear corrugated plastic shelter. We of course needed cash at this point, does anyone still actually carry cash ?😁. it is a good job I keep the odd ten pound hidden away in the back of my wallet for emergencies, amongst ancient till receipts, shopping lists, and photos of Jesse and my children..Yes kids I still do that even now😁…..they know what I’m on about….In the end i bought three healthy large tomato plants and hardy fuchsia for very little money…I love supporting local people, it’s good for local economy …. Goodness knows its needed right now…

From there we drove on, just a few miles out of town into some of the most glorious British countryside, the roadside filled with an abundance of wild flowers. The scarlet red poppies refusing to be ignored nestling in amongst the tall verdant grasses, pretty pastel pink wild roses climbing tall weaving their way through the trees..fluffy clouds of cow parsley, May blossom, golden buttercups, daisies contrasting upon nature’s pallet.

Time travelling

You come upon the well hidden away little Garden centre suddenly, it being tucked away behind banks of swaying trees and grasses, its a welcome oasis of calm,. Outside are lines of well watered trays of tempting plants..other corners hold already flowering roses their perfume sweet, dusky and intoxicating..there are herb sections, a tiny gift shop selling local made crafts, honey and treats..my eyes dart hither and thither trying to hungrily take everything in at once…my early reticence about going out long since forgotten, Debbie stands at my side listening to my over excited cries of look look…she smiles at me because of course she’s seen it all many times before…So I drag Jesse away from he’s work there in phone land….look honey look….he too smiles indulgently, him being all too used to my childish pleasure at simple things…as we stand looking at the most stunning backdrop of burgeoning green arable fields, in the distance a tall far off steeple piercing a steel grey sky….my ears are at once filled with a melodic birdsong..it’s the song for me of my yesteryear..one which harks back to days of youth, wonder and calm..days of laying in one of my favourite haunts, (Tilbury ferry fields, sadly no longer in existence), Laying half hidden amongst the grass, eyes shut tight, listening to the gentle hum of bees, rustling trees and the beautiful call of the fluttering over head skylarks…I’m transported in time to another era, while all to aware of the year im in….

The tea room ….

From the outside it resembles nothing more than your average pine wood log cabin…because of course log cabins belong here in the middle of Lincolnshire….the Windows are steamed up somewhat from the heat within…a blue neon light blinks it’s open for business…as we open the door the warmth rushes to greet us, alongside a stunning sweet smell of pastries, cakes and far too many tempting treats to be healthy, but who needs healthy in a tearoom 😊. My nose tingles and twitches it’s onto something, I smell the air appreciatively, lifting my head to drink it all in, like a blood hound on the trail of a myriad of scents, I’m on the case..only I scent coffee first and foremost…not only coffee though…but good coffee..hot, tantalising, strong roasted beans, and I’m only to ready to be seduced all too easily….Once ive given my order for an XXL Americano I can now settle on other important issues of the day, like Cake of course!!!!!!😁, …this little tea room doesn’t disappoint either, there’s rows of every type of home made confectionery to suit even the most discerning of pallet….mines by no means discerning…just lusting 😁, lusting after all things sickly sweet, sugar coated and cakey….

At first I can’t make up my mind, such is the choice at hand, there’s plump iced Chelsea buns, Carrot cake, Coffee and walnut, every flavour scone your heart could desire, cheese cakes, fruit buns, tea cakes, fruit cake, that great British favourite Victoria sponge, made fresh that very morning, with real dairy cream, strawberry jam and dusted with icing sugar…my eyes flit back and forth till they spy a large platter of jewel like cupcakes…I’m undone and defeated…a cupcake it is, Debbie decided quite rightly on the Vicroria sponge….

We sit at a wooden table next to an old hand cart covered with house plants for sale.. timber walls are decorated with beautiful local water colour scenes, painted by a home grown artist, there’s twinkling fairy lights, objects of long gone times, sepia portraits of very serious looking couples, with equally serious looking children kneeling at their feet, colourful triangle bunting sits above the bright windows.. We chat freely amongst each ourselves, my eyes wondering…..before long though we are waited on by a lovely lady…she grins knowingly as we ooooo and ahhhh over our choice of cakes…. not only do they look Devine, the taste does not by any means disappoint…the sugary vanilla buttercream swirled frosting, instantly reminding me of childhood birthday parties, for not the first time that day im transported back to another date, time and place…for that grand price of just £16:00, for those most glorious treats, Im also unknowingly buying a ticket to travel ….back, way back in time….cheap at half the price……So what was in the cream cardboard box in the living room later that night you ask?????, You may well ask?…I bought home a chocolate cupcake for later, yeah I know, my one true weakness, it would have been so rude not to…🙄😁😁😁😁😁😁, anyhow folks I hope your enjoying bank holiday…if you’ve gone away, where’s me postcard?…if your relaxing at home enjoy… And stay safe all …💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹❤❤❤❤❤❤💓💓.

Its been well over a week now since Cinnamon bun(my rabbit) went on before me, over that rainbow bridge into pet heaven.(I do hope that’s where I end up one day, Not only reunited with many a beloved passed companion, but embraced in amongst a huge fur pile of other critters too, That my friends is indeed my idea of heaven😁. The pain sniper bullets are still ambushing me out of nowhere daily, Some in the deep of night, when the silence is so strong I can almost touch it in the air, worse still in the quieter moments throughout my days, they seem somewhat longer than ever now….Ive taken to hobbling through into the livingroom much quicker these days, seeing his empty enclosure, will always be a ghostly reminder of his absence…Doesn’t help none My normal methods of dealing with grief is unfortunately not to be..

The pain in my left leg has been steadily increasing over the days and weeks, …By Wednesday last week I had finally had it with the whole thing…I’m extremely good with pain…don’t misunderstand me here, that doesn’t mean I have to like it in some weirdo M & M kind of way,(S&M) just means after a lifetime of it, it’s your normal. Following you about like a lost puppy…. the only time I can ever recall being without pain was while on Morphine after my hysterectomy or ex_directory as I affectionately call it, those who have survived this joy will understand 😁, only then I was too up in the clouds and stoned to enjoy it…

So Wednesday morning at Roughly around the 4am and BC…(before coffee) I lay awake trying my best not to lay back down and go to sleep…normally this isn’t even an issue but because I had decided to call my Doctor’s surgery early, every blooming last part of me wanted to sleep… knowing if I did full well I would miss that ungodly 8:30 am hour of the receptionist deadline….not easy staying awake without ones caffeine infusions….I put something on prime, only to feel myself drifting and my heavy eyelids involuntary shutting from time to time..Music even on ear splinteringly loud faired little better…I cleaned the kitchen, made a loaf of bread, put on the washing…Before deciding that maybe I had better shave my legs before getting them out at the doctors….sitting in a freezing livingroom, in ones pants and shirt soon waved goodbye to any residual tiredness… goosebumps rapidly sprouting up in between my shirehorse feathery length hair soon had their heads cropped off…my legs now sporting long gouged out furrows from knee to ankle..That razors evil I swear…least they were straight enough for a ploughman to be proud of mind…unsure that even if I did manage one of those few and far between precious doctors appointment thingys..ducking below the receptions radar first of course ….I by now wasn’t so sure he/she would be overly impressed by my smooth but scraped legs….but at least you could no longer feel the breeze playing in the hair….😁,

And actually on the plus side the slight burning sensation was now keeping me warm…. But it was no good, if I had any hope at all of staying awake I needed at least one caffeine hit!😁….as I waited for the kettle to boil, legs tingling I decided on another cunning plan…..yes it could just work though honest….I would put on my psychedelic brightly coloured pants, (underwear)…seriously if I stood in these beside a rainbow I would be in perfect camouflage…well my lower extremities would at least….this could act as a decoy…yes it was a brilliant plan…kettles boiled…coffee.

After which I felt distinctly more human, I’m ready for then next step….shower!, Please in future if I should ever decide mint shower Gel with tea tree is a viable idea upon freshly ground up legs, then slap me up the head with a rotting Eel fish….I just wanted to smell nice, well I did that alright, but now my legs were not just burning , those things were a blooming inferno, so here I am standing with bright red striped legs and psychedelic underwear nice!!!!…what could possibly go wrong…😁..

At precisely 8:30 am on the dot..I make myself comfortably, the past if nothing else teaching me that ringing the doctors is never a foregone conclusion..it takes uber amounts of patience, a tolerance of bad plinky plonky elevator music, and listening to someone telling you over and over your 209th in line of an invisible queue…but if you would prefer to make an appointment online go over to this email address and get no joy😁….so imagine my shock when while waiting I slurp back a huge gulp of scalding hot coffee listening to the ringing…only for a second later a voice says “good morning”!!!! …I swallow the molten coffee down and splutter out a reply…we go over my symptoms quickly all very efficient and so forth…I’m informed that the doctor will in due time call me back….

I hobble about the rest of my day, not expecting a call until that afternoon at the very least….half hour later, a shrill ringing sound shakes me out of my sleepy stuper…I answer the call to a doctor..mmmmmmmmm, mumbles incoherently….I decide then and there to just call him doctor…😁, We go over my symptoms again, I explain I can barely walk, the pain is excruciating and I’m bored now….as well as extremely painful the knee and ankle joints are unstable..collapsing under me at any moment..meaning walking is not only giving me hell but it’s unsafe….Doctor asks do I work????, I smother a sigh..because I know what’s coming now….because I don’t work, I can get on with it…he explains that he’s not particularly worried by anything I had mentioned..it didn’t sound sinister or worrying and I’m to rest my leg up for at least a week…but it is a worry to me as I live alone…one fall outside a slip in here and could I get up..Plus this pain, as I’ve explained I’ve experienced much pain throughout my life, but this feels very different…the only way to describe it is a burning gnawing sensation from my knee downward….it’s a pressure so strong, it feels like I want it to snap to release it…I’m tired of sitting under this…not being able to do anything..look after myself…but I can tell my plight fell on deaf biased ears, I don’t work, so just take pain killers and get on with it…so I do…I will… For what else is there…?

As the phone goes quiet, I sit in stunned angry silence…seems if you don’t work pain and suffering is ok, I go switch on the kettle again….this calls for more coffee, here I am, legs freshly tortured, bright decoy undies and for what…? Week two of leg resting and I’m bloody bored…I’ve read five books, slept away complete afternoons, watched trash tv and drove Jesse crazy…I’m not good at sitting about…I over think when my minds left to it’s own devices…and you don’t want someone like me over thinking….😁, upshot is I’m still doing the whole pain thing, my knee is massive and I’m bored of being bored …..I’m not a good patient…I get up and do stuff just to ward off insanity…not sure it’s working mind…but I did get one thing achieved and that’s revamping Cinnamons home….more about this anon…take care of yourselves folks, until next time. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜x