Author: Theresa Cole

I am a Brit who has travelled a long and arduous path to get to where I am. My adventures have been sometimes surreal, sometimes hilarious, sometimes heart-wrenching, but I am a survivor and a fighter. I will not let life keep me down. I have been lucky enough to have found love with the gentlest, kindest, most loving man I have ever known. After all I have been through we found each other, fell madly in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together with him making me laugh continually. We share a wicked sense of humour and this is what I hope to bring to my humble attempt at blogging. So sit back and follow the exploits of Cumzi, Jesse and myself as we navigate this manic thing called life and fight our addictions to Wendys, Tim Hortons and chicken parm at Buca di Beppo.

Slow it down I wanna get off….Dear blooming Diary…

My week has alternated some place between the mixed up, darn right insanity and oh what fresh new hell is this?, More of the last though, if you believe pretext it’s alienated instead of alternated and quite honestly I’m inclined to believe that more… Jesse has been busy with work of late, doing end of the month magical planet aligning figuring bookkeeper stuff, I’m thinking it’s all witchcraft, because it sounds like some ancient language spoken in tongues, only understood by “The ancient guild of wizardry accountants”, I know this!!!!!!

I listen in without minute modicum of comprehension, there’s much talk of spread sheets, graphs, invoices, B52s and real big numbers….adding together anything that takes more than two zero,s almost always brings me out into a cold sweat, (it harks way back to the teacher making us stand up in classs to recite the times tables, I used to try to hide under the tables at this point😁, but maybe my bright red hair gave my location away, I swear to this day though Ive been left traumatised). Plus the only spread sheets I have the remotest knowledge of is upon my bed, Even these take a degree in science to master, each corner on those blooming fitted sheets ping off in gleeful defiance, Just when you think you’ve finally won after doing ten laps about the bed and have all four corners situated firmly… But I digress as per the norm…Without the companionship of my online phone hubby, I slowly but surely go into my head….this folks is not advisable, not at least without a full ruck sack of cake, torch/flashlight, Satnav, map and a rope tied firmly about your waist….You may also want to scatter bread crumbs about, just in case, let’s err on the on the side of caution here,

Silence for me, far from being golden, Only means the mind monkeys chatter more, correction they become more efficient at making themselves heard and understood, their words not only insistent, but like little thorns in the heart, (scoring 180 with their little barbs) it’s why I find it almost impossible to be silent and have this incessant need to talk, it’s how i drown out haunting conversation from long ago that go around endlessly in my mind, Music helps, as does reading….

Anxiety levels spike and I will do almost anything for some form of desensitization, driving myself into a cleaning frenzy of epic proportions often happens, Seriously if you ever need your house cleaning sit me in silence for half an hour and i,’ll have your house sparkling in no time… I’m like one of those old fashioned push back let go toy cars on speed😊,. After just a week of my own company I had become so Anx ridden at times I was peeling myself from the ceiling at the slightest sound, (ewww look thought I had got all those cobwebs😲😁,

Adrenalin now ramped up to max, means sleep is hit and miss at best,…. Wednesday night for example …Jesse being exhausted had fallen into a deep slumber almost immediately, I’m laying there attempting to watch something on prime, My mind still moving at speeds of 0 to 100 in mere seconds, even in neutral (sleep gear, it’s still revving away in the background, My dreams are senseless, disjointed when I’m lucky, Horrific ultra high definition, rehashed horrors of yesteryear if not …The flat is silent except the low thrum of the dehumidifier in the living room, I get up at one when it gets unbearable and re_ clean the clean kitchen,🙄, Move stuff about, sighing i go back to bed as I’m already slowly but surely turning into a treezical from my toes up, it’s freezing here at 3am, I lay trying to quieten my thoughts, breathing trying to slow my anxiety levels down to a dull roar while thawing out at the same time..just as i start to get the feeling back in my feet somewhat….there’s an almighty crash!

It came from somewhere within the livingroom, I’m instantly torn between getting out of bed to take on all intruders, well for a brief instant, My trusty perfume bottle clutched tightly in my fist…don’t ask in fairness it was the first thing to hand🙄… I could of course spray them to death with Eau de youth Dew 😊, or throw if needs be, my aim being what it is though it would like as not land somewhere at my feet😁,… I’m tempted to pull the covers up over my head and fain sleep…but eventually I give in to my first instinct, climb out from between my nice warm covers and go in search of the offender, who in thought now, if I left them there long enough they would have turned into a yeti or frozen to death…….

Walking into the dimly lit living room” there be monsters in all the shadows”😁, it’s as I hesitantly go over to check on the front door, for the tenth time that evening, I note a neat pile of soil on the carpet by the door..Now either the many wood louse families that trek through each night after watching Nordic noir with me are burying bodies about the place or something is surely amiss here somewhere..Doesn’t take long for me to see that the Amaryrllis plant I have nurtured from a mere bulb😐 is now lying on its side amongst the pile of dust and debris…what was worse for me though was I had managed to get the plant to nearly 3ft in length, my all time Amaryllis growing record , it then sadly nose dived from the sideboard broken upon the floor,. Snapping the large buds from its long main stem., thankfully though there was just enough left to put into a glass of water…after picking up the plant I left the rest until morning, I no longer had the heart or energy to clear it up…least the soil was dry, some consolation if any was to be had…

By the end of the week nerves fraught, I knew though that I had put off going out to the post office quite long enough thankyou!, it would be a quick trip anyhow, I would be having the cab wait for me while I shot in, threw the packages at the unsuspecting post office personnel, pay and exit….huh it all looked so straight forward in my minds eye!😔….Friday morning the cab turned up, I was ready, I had my keys, bag, wallet, tissues, packages ready, I was ready…I was organised to the bloody gilt folks!, I dive in the car, a brief pass of pleasantries with Wayne my driver, talk of the weather kind of thing….I nervously ask you know your to wait for me right?, Maybe picking up on the tension Wayne calmly reassured me yes he would remain outside….phew!!!! Ok this is going to be ok, I’m going to be ok!, There’s not going to be a massive traffic jam at the lights, the car is not going to break down, or be a third world war of epic proportion occuring just in the tiny hamlet where I live ….breathe Treez breathe, I can do this😊

We reach our destination in five minutes, disaster averted, Wayne kindly parks as near to the tiny post office as he can…bless… I look back at him as I reluctantly close the car door behind me, once again picking up some stray vibe or look of apprehension, he said quietly i,’ll be right here, like that parent waving off their child at the school gate on their first big day…..I memorize the cabs location in my mind for all time….before giving it one last look and crossing the road…

Luck remained forever at my side, there’s no one else but the post master and assistant in there, I can’t believe it…oh the absolute joy be upon me!!!!! Thank you to all the gods in the universe, I will light a small candle, sacrifice a large sacred slice of cake, and drink coffee upon my knees at your alter for a week maybe more….ok not so much that last bit I would never arise again 😁…I bid them good morrow, smile my best wavering smile…I act far more confident than I will ever feel…..don’t let them pick up on your fear Treez, that’s when they will get yah!!!!, ….my throat parched and scratchy, I utter just two Parcels to send today please…it’s gonna be just fine, I think to myself….oh Treez why did you think that right then and there?…too late it’s out there now floating freely about the cosmos, look there it goes….!!!! Now you’ve done it woman! Ugh..

The assistant steps up to the fake, well smeared plastic glass, looking somewhat worn out already, it’s only just 10 am, but I feel for her at once, weve all been there,…I place the lightest package on the waiting scale….she finally meets my eyes and asks politely “where is this going please”?…..I reply “that ones for the USA thankyou”….she taps away on a small keypad somewhat halfhearted, looks up again, “where please”?, I repeat “the USA” …”oh ok”, taps some more….erm “where is destination”?, “Yeah the USA, United States”, back to tapping now furiously, I’m wondering if maybe in my anxious state im infact mumbling, but I’m fairness it does say USA in big block capitals on the front….but she asks again?….I say it as slowly as I can without grinding to a halt or causing offence, this time though just for good measure I throw in its full glorious title, “The USA”, “United states of America” …. ” Oh America” !!!!! Mmmmhmmmm,..She then preceded to try the flat envelope shaped package through a cardboard letterbox cut out,,,,”oh it’s small”, she goes off somewhere into the wide blue yonder of ‘the back room’, package still in hand,. Only Two seconds later for a man to appear, carrying said item, now unless Ive dozed off with all the excitement, or the world had gone into fast forward, spinning of into a parallel universe, that my friends was the quickest sex change ever recorded, marvellously done too though, even the voice grew deeper, maybe there’s a time machine back there, I try to cran my head around the plastic to have a look?… This new face looks into mine expectantly, “where too please”? Oh please not this again, i,’ll be good, honest….but I repeat and it goes smoothly, he then pretends to poke it through the small cut out letterbox thingy Bob, “ohhhh small”!!!!, I’m by now looking down at my shuffling feet, colour filling my cheeks and apologising most profusely for the size of my package, that’s a new one on me!!!!😁😁😁😁😁😁😁 I can hardly wait now until I have to explain where the next ones going….sighs

Don’t ask how that went, no please dont for my sake!!!, After being asked what was in it, where it’s destination was for, I was then asked whether I wanted first or second class post, three times I replied first please….only for him to say “yes that’s £7 second class please”…. After that I just couldn’t be blooming bothered to explain any further, finally agreeing yes that’s fine, I would have agreed to anything…send it via pony express, pigeon class, or I know I could always walk it the 300 miles it would be quicker…, I paid and without so much of a backward glance, ran before my poor waiting cab driver faded with starvation…when he asked was everything ok….I just smiled and said “oh yes fine fine”! Clicking the seat belt we head off back for the sanctuary of my little home……it’s mad out there…😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, tomorrow children if your all good i tell you the story of the crazy lady who forgot to take her meds over the weekend…..it wasn’t anything pretty lol, anyhow enough from me, take care of you whatever you get into x 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Dear Diary from within the meat locker 😁

Someday _Sundays

Originally I opened my eyes around the 4am mark, Say originally as I drifted someplace between sleep and non committal wakefulness..Being a Sunday though I waited until my body and brain fell into some kind of full cooperation before attempting to leave my nice warm bed, I only have this vague recollection it’s Sunday because I’m staring bleary eyed at the picture on my new calendar ,… Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, promptly smearing any remaining make-up across my cheeks, the call of the kettle finally wins over any fear of stepping out into the icy blast of the apartment, I swear this place has a whole different eco system… I bravely tiptoe across the room trying frantically to keep as much of me actual foot off the floor, fully expecting to see gambling white Artic Hares, or Eskimo,s waving to me as they fish through ice holes, that’s ice holes folks not to be confused with others holes😁….

I impatiently wait for the water to boil, eventually the kettle comes to a shuddering silent halt, I pull my baggy pale blue t shirt down around my legs trying hopelessly to stop them changing from a subtle blue hue to a rather attractive shade of violet…i fail dismally. hands shaking I manage to leave a perfectly round coffee circle upon the steel draining board just attempting to get some coffee into the gaping great mug top…it looked like a crop circle just in coffee form really😊,…I am at this point too cold to argue with myself and clean it up, placing my hands gratefully about the now warm mug, I take it back to bed to thaw out….if you think at this point I embellish for any purposes, I’m kidding ye not…..three mornings, the other week I checked my thermometer to find temperature,s from between 5 to as low as 3c….take into account it’s 1 outside 😲, twice I’ve seen my breathe as I’ve yawned….no that’s not dragon breathe either….well it could well be with the amount of coffee I consume…..

I did have plans for the day ahead, which as the morning wore on, I knew without any shadow of a doubt would have to be firmly posted to the back burner… A pain flare was in full force, whether from the cold, an EDS thing or just because…whichever I’ve little clue, I rarely if ever succumb to these no matter it’s longevity or severity…that day I had not the energy or stubbornness to carry on so I lay reading late into the day, when I finally gave into a restless sleep and pain meds…

Friday night spent with Eowyn….

With storm warnings posted all over, facebook, and the local news for over a week, One could hardly be off knowing about it’s impending visitation, that’s unless of course you live in a two up two down igloo someplace off in the wilds of the Artic….oh hang on I do😁, But seriously that Friday Evening Jesse had fallen asleep early, I left to my own devices had been happily ensconced in bed watching numerous episodes of a new Nordic noir I found, quite oblivious to everything, …As the last episode finished, I realised how quiet it had suddenly become around me…. But quiet isn’t the word im searching for though, silent wouldn’t even begin to describe this…. But have you ever experienced the sensation where you feel isolated completely alone, i can only liken it to Your that last woman standing😊, the very last human survivor…I turned off my tablet, laying back against my numerous pillows, closing my eyes all the better experience the sensation about me…I comprehend fully it was night time, not many people are going to be around ect, but this felt different somehow, I felt suddenly unsettled, skin tinglingly so, …getting up I looked out the living room window, there was as yet no signs of the forecast storm…But then I looked back to another evening, another storm, The infamous 1987 one, it had been somewhere Around midnight, and I was taking my dogs out for their last bathroom break, there also I had been struck by how unusually quiet it was, barely a breathe of breeze, the trees completely still, I stood looking up into the sky, the moon had had a magnificent lilac halo, silvery clouds scudding by it at speed, yet still nothing at ground level…then also I felt that odd sensation, like an electric current passing through the very air…I can remember remarking to a lady walking home that evening how odd it felt out…I wasn’t to know just hours later we were about to experience one of the most destructive storms in our history…that was until the news was full of it the following day….like then also storm eowyn made he’s presence felt…I read we are due another time in the next few days…people are already out emptying the shelves at supermarkets, Anyhow enough from this old windbag, 😁, whatever your upto, stay safe, take care and look after you….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

New year camping out in the Arctic tundra….Dear Diary 2025..

Firstly I would like to take a wee moment to wish you all the compliments of the season, hopes for your continued good health and happiness over the long dark dreary winter season. I fully appreciate how difficult it is to stay in good spirits this time of year, the days turning cold, grey and somewhat unforgiving. Though for myself I find im kind of drawn toward the dense dramatic bold dark grey skies… giving me permission to take refuge amongst my thick fleecy Sherpa blankets, burrowing myself ever deeper amongst their protective fluffy warmth like a bear in its cave, its only the prospect of a tantalising hot Beveridge of that roasted coffee persuasion or indeed the bathroom forces me to vacate my snuggly nest😁…even then, momentarily!!! ..

I also feel the need during winter months to fill both the bedroom and living room with twinkling fairy lights, candles and anything that gives off even a modicum of warm light, finding the harsh white ceiling light (aka the big light as we call it here😊) somewhat aggressive, almost too cold infact for my mood to take on board ….I’ve plants also dotted about my living space, i take some solace in their fresh young green growth, perhaps bringing with it, some fresh promise of spring and the outside in more importantly… It’s not easy keeping them alive right at this moment…temperatures in the flat plummet each night… Friday in the early hours, whilst bravely making a much delayed foray over to the bathroom, I could actually see my breath😨…this I might add although not totally unexpected .. Tis disconcerting never the less….I’ve lost two plants already this winter, they were thriving just weeks previous, until the weather turned its steely back on the milder days…I won’t buy any replacements this time though, I feel terribly guilty watching them wilt away to nothing then die before my eyes despite my best efforts., Sage the budgie had even lost some of his vim and vigour up until I fashioned his cage a clear plastic Mac on three sides and the top, protecting my little buddy from the worst of the chill and or any draft, all the while still allowing him to see me, he hates not being able to watch what I’m about, even while I sleep…if I leave the room for any reason now within minutes I hear a little voice “where are youuuuu?, It’s a cute reminder of the banter long years ago when myself and my daughter called back and forth from our bedrooms at night 😊….

I’m into the fourth month of crocheting Beany hats, I’ve topped the forty I set out to achieve, spurred ever onward by the thought of the heads they cover trying to find shelter from this unforgiving weather, it’s a small contribution, one I can take part in, though I’m left all the while frustrated once more, living with this infernal disability steals away my ability to do so much more..to say my Damn it doll has taken a real good beating over the weeks is putting it mildly…😊.

Only going outside to feed my feathered friends has been of small comfort, the ground most days now rock solid under foot, Covered completely with a white sparkling hoar frost, although incredibly beautiful when the sun makes one of its rare appearances, it’s not quite so much for the starving wild bird population…I’ve been scattering the ground outside with oats, seeds, dried fruit, meal worms and blackberries that I had stored in my freezer….My old friend white feather the blackbird is particularly partial to these pre defrosted treats, even taken to bring he’s mate along for brief lunch date, my small patch of front garden has always been part of his vast local territory…he bravely chases off any rival other males, including any odd brave Crows…he knows no fear which used to surprise me at one point…not for long though, after watching him swoop down inches away whilst screaming with fury at my neighbour’s black and white Tom cat, …it’s become a real battle between them, the cats tail swishing back n forth, eyes glaring, I feared so many times that I would go out and bear witness to feline fatality …the large cat finally putting an end to white feathers demented tormenting….you will never know the amount of times I’ve rushed outside after hearing the birds shrill warning call to rescue him…only to find him in hot pursuit of his rival😁….I’m not sure if in fact it’s bravery or foolishness but I can’t help but admire it whichever form it takes…, I know his alarm call so well now that even im on my guard😁 , who needs a dog….

While into the third week of this my frosty hibernation period, I’ve not totally stagnated😊, And whilst procrastination is indeed one of my all time favourite words, how I dearly love a deep n dirty procrastination me😁, especially over coffee, But I meander of subject again,,, No infact I’ve put this time to some use at least.., See I’m in full throttle pre- spring, spring clean…you know spring cleaning but well in the winter😊…what else does one do whilst in perpetual incarceration?,oh I still read, binge watch my Nordic noirs, infact I’ve fallen asleep to so many Danish, Swedish, Finnish dramas im more than a little concerned that one of these cold mornings I may well wake up, strip off my pjs and roll around in the snow, Elskling!!!!!!! …..or maybe that’s the frost here….don’t worry I won’t I like my neighbour’s to much to offend their sensibilities😁,…

But while I’m going all Nordic on you…Some Swedish folk, when reaching a certain time of life….not that I’m admitting to ever reaching there yet ahemmmm😉…though my Husky drawn sled is hurtling faster towards Valhalla these days than one would like to own…But yes the good Swedish folk do this thing called Swedish death cleaning, it was I think if memory serves me, started by a lady called Margareta Magnusson in her book titled “The Gentle Art of Swedish death cleaning”…although it is in a point of fact not quite so gentle…. it can be almost savage!….well that tends to be my approach, all or nothing..

Margareta wrote to maybe begin with ones wardrobe….not possessing one, I set about rifling through my drawers😁, In mere moment’s, t shirts, shirts, shorts and socks flew over my shoulders before floating to the bedroom floor in a heaped mountain…the idea here being we are less emotionally attached to our clothes…..You ever tried parting up with that oversized t shirt…it may be creased to hell, full of more holes than shirt, stained…but you and it are bonded in life…it’s seen you through those times when you just couldn’t be asked to put on real grown up clothes, or nothing else was clean😏… now you’ve sentenced it forever to the pile of shame….the death pile…it’s almost like deleting people off Facebook….well no I lie there deleting people has become far easier these days 😁😁😁😁😁, ….. But within half hour, just thirty little minutes, I had myself a clothes mount Everest stuck in the middle of my tiny bedroom floor….Sage watching on in some amusement…What!!!! Chirruped out, as another oversized pair of pants spiralled through the air like an XXXXL parachute, before landing clumsily upon the best fake chandelier… Their still there to this day…..😁😁😁😁😁, no it’s ok their not really, I donated them to a local farmer instead for a feed barn😁😁😁😁😋. I’m good like this…

After clothes she urges us to go through our books, magazines, music and games….books, music, games I draw the line at…uh uh, I’ve relatives I would sooner part with than a book!!!!!, Well I love my books😁, ….Since December though I’ve made it a rule to throw out a bag of clutter weekly…my outside bins are permanently crammed, my patience tried sorely by unreliable Freecyclers, but I’m trusting the process…now if we can just keep me off Amazon long enough to not fill the new found space I’ve made we may be winning…..I don’t need that electric blanket though…..Treez back off from the phone…..no leave ittttt!, Ewwww comes in blue!, ….look at those handy under the bed boxes….I’m a lost cause seriously….Anyway folks I feel the need for something hot and tasty inside me….no oooops sorry, so sorry, that’s not a metaphor thingy damn!!!!, It’s a good job they don’t allow me out amongst decent real folks ain’t it😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, Anyhow enough from me, before I get myself into real bother…. Stay warm, stay safe and look after yourselves out there.🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄ 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Merry Christmas, Dear Diary…..

I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something out there coming between me and that first beloved molten hot coffee of the morning…. I’ve only been trying since 8:30 this morning, it’s now 11:47…ugh…First attempt, I crept on tiptoe(not easy these days) silently oh so blooming silently out of the bedroom as both Sage( my budgie) and Jesse were still fast asleep…thoughts I will get ahead of the day before they wake…huh like hell, I had just got out of the bedroom door, when Sage starts he’s alarm chirping…. It’s hard to explain unless your familiar with bird sounds, I speak Birdesse yah know!😊…Anyway it’s a higher pitched and insistent call for the uninitiated among us…Much like a toddler losing sight of their parent around the supermarket, just with less tears and Snot😁, …So somewhat desperately in need of the little girls room by now, I have to backtrack grab he’s cage and bring him into the living room, before I can even flick the kettle switch down😊, just not right!!! ….

After pulling back the curtains so Sage can watch the local community pigeon populace…the equivalent of sitting your child in front of the tv for five minutes peace, I can finally go about my morning routine…while the kettles bubbling away, my cup filled with instant ready and waiting, I set about washing and changing from my oversized t shirt while I wait, (which on hindsight was indeed a blessing….I had thought of at first, at least an hour for laying about in deep procrastination) don’t you just love a good procrastinate first thing!!!, I know I do……Plus no one comes Christmas Eve right?!!!!!, I make my coffee, clean up the kitchen, just sit down to enjoy my long anticipated hot caffeine fix!!!, The door bell shrills out……Sage goes into vicious rabid guard budgie mode…(shouting at full pitch) So I can’t even duck behind the sofa now, even if I could duck!!!!!, I cant (It’s at this point i am so glad I’ve gone to the trouble of putting on real clothes …because stood at the door is my lovely neighbour, (her and her wonderful hubby cut my Grass weekly for me during the summer months ….She has her wee chestnut Dachshund Freddie with her, whose somewhat impatient to be going on his morning constitutional …dancing at the end of he’s leash legs crossing faster than Michael Flatly on speed, never mind children its before you were born😊… He’s inquisitive little nose in the air sniffing out good scents…(doggie Facebook) …I’m always genuinely pleased to see my neighbour Katherine(why oh why do I always think she’s called Lorraine though? 😊) . Anyway Lorraine, I mean Katherine is stood looking immaculate at my door, in her other hand a pretty little red gift bag,..it’s around this time I’m so glad I’m not stood in my old baggy t shirt that’s covered in various copper tones from previous hair colouring attempts….I keep it on there as a constant reminder of my favourite shades….which is up somewhere by my left armpit, called Amber blonde…why does that sound like an exotic dancer or worse….Anyhow due to foresight or whatever, im not infact stood in front of my well turned out neighbour in my ancient red Christmas pants😊 and t shirt….

We exchanged gifts, for I too had momentarily morphed into Santa’s little helper….although mine wasn’t quite so fancied up…not sure a plastic Asda shopping bag is quite the same😁, but I chose it’s contents with care, working of the opinion I would far rather spend more on the gifts than wrapping….Plus plus in my defence the bag did have a Christmas scene upon it😊……as we chatted I’m only to aware of the sad fact my coffee is fast reaching the point of no return….anything other the burn your tonsils to bits hot, is inexcusable and cold….uh uh…can’t have it….as Lorraine walked away…..Katherine, I mean Katherine🙄, was hauled down the path by a now desperate doggo, on closing the door i already knew this is the way my morning is shaping up…. All cold coffee and to good intentions😊 three cold coffees later I give up.

This week has been somewhat slow on beany hat making…normally by about now I would have had at least ten made and finished off, but alas like my coffee partaking, I’ve been easily distracted from the task, six complete another four then I’ve finally reached that 40 hats on heads I wanted and will be pleased with…battling tangled yarns, Christmas preparations, present wrapping, visitors, I guess I’ve not done too badly..though In truth i am a little disappointed it wasn’t more, hopefully once Christmas is over and I’ve restocked my fast depleted stock of yarn I can get stuck in again.

Well it’s Christmas eve folks and I hope your all set up, presents wrapped and under the tree awaiting their excited giftees , Turkey prepped, the green methane makers peeled and washed, carrots and cookies out for santa…large Gin for mothers frazzled nerves😊, whatever your doing, your plans ect, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas…those of us alone again..look at it this way, you get to eat when and what you like, fall asleep on the sofa and leave the washing up to its own devices😊, seriously though stay safe, warm and well, take care of yourselves and i,’ll see you the other side of the year….🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎀🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤💚💚💚💚💚💚

 Dear Diary, carry on Hooking!!!!

Friday

Get thee to the post office woman…

Originally I had myself set yet another deadline(groan)…  And that Monday morning was that very one.., only for Monday morning to come and go in a hazy blur, without me even stepping foot outside the door😁,In fairness to myself though, My back was being evil and felt ready to break in two or shatter at any given moment, dramatic but that’s the feeling… And this in retrospect was in itself somewhat fortunate as I had forgotten all about putting in a shopping order for delivery, how does one even do that?, well like only I can it’s a real talent I possess 😁 ,. In the end it arrived over an hour earlier than arranged for originally, (providence or what!!!,) it also meant, there’s was no way I would have made it to the post office and back by 10:30am… From this point onwards I was allowing for the week to play out in a kind of slow motion, without realisation I was in energy conservation mode if you will, Preparing myself to dig out the Christmas tree from its hiding place, In either the tiny bedroom cupboard or Garden shed,… meanwhile between creating more beanie hats, i shunted things about and hoovered everything in within sight…..some not…under the bed

Saturday….

That Saturday morning dawned dull, just as overcast, if not far more oppressive than in the week , A thick heavy grey blanket of cloud covering the sky without a break., This rarely if ever effects my mood, but today I felt the sudden inclination, No more like need actually to deck the tree with sparkly bright things, spend an hour cursing like a road mender unravelling copper wired of fairy lights, De tangling my balls 😲, attaching plastic springy elastic thread stuff to Crystal tree ornaments, only it was so blooming springy and contrary it kept unknotting!, …ugh!!!! Some hours later I had lost my Fairy glitter tree decorating wand and wings,. My back throbbing, head not only conspiring with it but joining in, it was at this point I not so wisely on forethought i decided to go in search of that elusive tree…..someone stop me at this point pleaseeee!!!!! when I do things like this!!!!, Slap me about the head with a mouldy Herring

The cupboard in my bedroom, could never be described as spacious or conveniently placed.. Unlike stated on the estate agents original write up.. It was also laughingly called “a walk in cupboard” , I liken it rather to the stoop in, dark hole…, crunching up your spine never for you never to walk straight again is a must😊, Plus be prepared to see stars… not in any wondrous poetic fashion understand….No this is in a smash your head continually every time you move in any direction kind of way,(and yes when you smack your brain casing hard enough you do see stars, I saw a falling one, bit of a worry😊☺,  I am all of a towering 5″ 2 and even I cannot stand upright, … this is not all it boasts though , I swear it has its very own weather system in there, always somewhere around the nice freezing mark even in the height of summer, my poor little room thermometer shudders at the mere thought… Its comparable to walking into the winter wonderland scene from Narnia, only without the lamp post at least giving off some light or that cute fawn Mr Tumnus, believe me I’ve searched long enough😊, ….after several attempts at giving myself mild concussion, swooning upon the floor in some mild hope my love will swoop down from he’s fiery white charger to give aid via endless mouth to mouth resuss, (well a girl can dream), I decide maybe hypothermia isn’t going to look quite so Glamourous, nor the silvery silken web strands hanging from my hair, complete with Christmas spider!….I was meant to be decorating a blooming tree …not myself….as I back out somewhat gingerly the back of my skull meeting the timber door frame just for good measure,  a colourful string of Essex princess curse words leave my lips before I can reign them in sufficiently….it wasn’t pretty…. Coming eye to eye with a large dangling bungying spider didn’t improve matters much, he did look amused either 😠……still no tree there then….oh well time to brave the endless downpour outside, while i search the shed…. Spider at this point abandons ship….Coward!!!!!😊….

After standing out in the rain, pulling everything from the 3ft by 4ft shed, I had this faint kernel of a  remembrance thread drift fleetingly into my still aching head, I think I recycled it…..in fact I now remembered cramming the reluctant tree, box and all into the bin after a fit of pique while dismantling it, stuff from the shed still dotted about me getting rained upon, webs still floating about my hair blowing in the breeze,(looking all the world like Miss Havershom) I’m muttering away to myself…When somewhere behind me the voice of my neighbour says “good afternoon”!!!!, I could hear that grin, (you know when without looking you know full well their silently falling about themselves, while trying to keep a straight face….I reply without turning round, I had done my bit for comedy purposes that day thank you… , stuffing things back in the shed in the most precarious manner, just to get out the fast darkening dank afternoon…knowing all the time the next time I open that shed door, it’s all going to tumble out and bury me alive ….I just know it!!, slamming the shed door I hear a small quake within….holy crap!!!!!!.

Christmas is blooming cancelled….

But I already know as I stuff the tree decs away in bags out of temper, tangling the lights once more, I had wasted an hour earlier straightening…, Shattering glass balls😲, crushing icicles, that later that same night I will be trawling “The Zon”(Amazon for yet another tree…And within half an hour I had found the perfect one… costing only £14 had nothing to do with it,,, honest😁,(Scrooge would be proud😊, but it was 4ft and not to big for the flat….what am I saying a twig is to big for this flat….oh well, I hit the flashing buy it now button quickly before I can change my mind….

  • This week I’m on the last of the hats ready to send out, that will make thirty as of yet..I’ve plans to keep going, enjoying feeling useful , productive…I may have wool worms, (straggling offcuts of colourful yarn making their way across my carpet, balls of wool ready for the next project climbing one wall, but Im past caring quite frankly at this point…it’s not as if I get crowds of visitors lining up outside for the odd coffee morning, or royalty popping in for afternoon tea, not that id mind as long as they bought cake!..that overwhelming need for a spotless apartment, replaced by the need to help out where I can…the damp chill outside spurring me on long into the evenings, going from a tree decorating Fairy to bleary eyed happy hooker….of the crocheting variety only folks…..whatever your up to stay warm and safe, take care of you….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛 

 

Diary of a Happy Hooker😁

Just about three weeks ago now, while I was sat indulging in my third Breakfast wine of that morning (Coffee to the uninitiated of us) .. Expending time like it’s limitless or something😊, watching a miniscule patch of cobalt blue sky getting slowly enveloped by the ever thickening dark blanket of charcoal grey cloud, the contrasting colours of rich warm autumn leaves swayed upon the breeze, capturing my attention fully, I know to make the most of mother natures bounty while I can, Because up until now we had been lucky, temperatures holding fast, well into double figures, even night frosts hadn’t quite found us yet, the red Geraniums I planted in the summer months, sheltering from the worst of the wind up against the flat wall, still infact covered in an abundance of scarlet flowers and we were in November, I often take a few moments in my day, for some quiet reflection, staring out the livingroom window, upon a world, i am increasingly retreating from, not consciously you understand, but it’s happening all the same..I lift the comforting warm brew to my lips once more, while at the same time being bought sharply back to the present by the ping, A text on my phone!….it’s a rare sound these days, so requiring some immediate attention😊.

Who or what had fetched me from such deep revelry?, you may thinking, well it was none other than a friend of some longstanding, with a rather different proposition to put before me😊….She needed someone with experience, I am I suppose somewhat experienced in this line, despite coming into the game much later than most of my contemporaries,..it would require me coming out of retirement of course, dusting off those long ago tools of the trade, that’s if I can even locate em in the first place,, having given up just the year previous…But maybe joining forces with this friend and her sister Andrea could in fact just be the answer to my prayers…Winter months here can be very long and drawn out affairs, not to mention tedious, especially when your practically housebound, this little venture could occupy my waking hours, making a real difference between slowly unravelling alone and sanity,(some would say it’s too late for that😊) We all know those early dark winter nights can be somewhat a chore without any viable occupation, much needed enrichment..I made another coffee!, for this would indeed require some amount of forethought….much much coffee! , I needed that buzz of caffeine, a hit around my extremely rapid hibernating brain…I text back at once “can you give me five minutes”..but inside, I already knew deep down my decision….I was In!, While the kettle boiled, I had a good rummage around in my drawers, knocking off the accumulation of dust and cobwebs, but at least now I had found the beginnings of what I needed…..😊

It didn’t take long for my mind to become filled with possibilities, I felt a renewed interest in general, filling that huge void I had not until this point known existed, I was suddenly a buzz with purpose, not only could I be useful once more, but it may well bring about something good…, I could join others to make a difference…Later that same morning I scoured “The Zon” (Amazon) for what!!!!!!? ahhhhh a secret!!!,(For now anyhow). I really don’t need much of an excuse to scroll the endless pages of glittering shiny wonderful products, but if I did, I had found it…clicking copious amounts of items with glee, remorselessly adding them to that imaginary Basket….this was fun!….I couldn’t wait to get started now….inside my stomach a fluttery feeling swirled, no my loves it wasn’t wind😊, it was that long forgotten feeling,, one of excitement!…

Soon as things began arriving I commenced, but first things first, I would need a refresher course, so YouTube it is then!, You can find out how to do just about anything there….and it wasn’t long before it all began to come back to me with a flourish, We all like a good refresher course though don’t we…….it’s like riding that blooming bike everyone’s on about😊….although I was late learning to do this too… As the leaves began to drop from the trees, the first cold weather finally took hold, I threw myself into my project with some abandonment….it wasn’t long before I had involved my daughter in with my exploits, not only her, But Debbie my dear friend, we have become quite a team, our merry band working towards a common purpose….

Since that very first Saturday, I’ve only really taken off one day, and that was to have a blood test, something I must confess I was not in fact looking forward to., Finding veins since chemo some twenty odd years on, has been like mining for silver in a tin mine … It almost always involves Some poor frustrated nurse digging around in my right arm, (this being the only arm available to them, my left arm strickly off limits due to losing lymph nodes from under my arm during a Breast cancer surgery… But alas, unless I booked myself in for my annual six monthly blood letting….(blood test), my meds wouldn’t be issued, which would be fine by me, I hate taking tablets, but for some reason I’m quite fond of living😁, you can see my dilemma here😊, So Debbie my accomplice, (friend) and myself, booked a date to meet up for coffee,(for I take some bribery in these matters, …I can be lured scarily easy just mention of a coffee, ask Jesse he used this method often😊😊😊😊😊, if that doesn’t work rattle a cake wrapper.. Fortified with caffeine once more from our favourite hide away farm cafe, we set out like intrepid explorers😊, turning up our collars against a chilling northern wind, which saw temps now dip well below freezing each night, Patches of snow lay about fields and any low lying ground…the pavements now covered in a glittering dusting of white hoar frost…looks beautiful, but staying upright for me is optimal…just my preference really.,, Debbie not quite trusting me to go into the doctors surgery alone for some reason, followed me in….she knows me oh so well😊, …..We stood in front of the glass encased cubicle waiting to be noticed, I said about dancing, but Deb wasn’t for this 😁,This is where they hold local receptionist,s captive… There they remain, normally in small packs..the wild receptionist being hugely territorial of its habitat….it’s for our protection really im convinced…

After loitering around outside the closed glass window for some time, pretending to be interested in the numerous posters for various ailments, the glass was shoved back with some force….Yes!!!!!! Came the disembodied voice….being already on the back foot, I stammer out in a high pitched squeaky voice my name…all the while looking into those glazed eyes glowering into mine….Debbie by now is stood right behind me in case I Bolt…, I’m already watching the doors, I turn and look pleadingly at her….but there’s to be no escape this time, so finding my voice once more from, it’s hiding place deep in my left sock, whence it’s sunk, I explain why I’m stood quaking there…..I just want to book a blood test honest!!!, Well I don’t want too, but you know how it is…The phone rings , phew saved by the bell….Well!!!!!!! Screams the red receptionist, I swear one word from her and I would never dare be ill again, ….after the whole waiting room and I swear most of the county learns about Mables swollen rumatic knee, the phone is slammed into next July, the beady glittery eyes return to myself…I quake, Debbie shoves a steadying hand upon my back …..Eventually between us a date is arranged for my impending doom, I mean blood test, yes blood test oh my!!!…as I turn slightly away from those wild eyes, like some poor rabbit caught in the headlights im frozen….the glass panel slams shut…narrowly missing my fingers….I run for the door quicker than a grey hound leaving the vets, as I turn to look back for Debbie, I imagine a puff of smoke curling up into the air escaping from between the glass….The receptionist I have since christened Helga, her large red eyes boring deep into my skull as I left, trembling I half joke with Debbie “Please God don’t let her do my bloods next week” well I think I was joking….

There was very little sleep to be had between then and that following Friday, thank goodness for my new project…I worked late into each night, burning the hours….the more my over stimulated mind was kept busy the better for all….trouble being with this is, it seems to make the time speed by….and it did…time to face Helga and her pack once more….I could see the gleaming blood dripping fangs ginning, a spiral of smoke emitting from each nostril….saints preserve me, ………..In preparation I had gulped my way through three coffees, and four 500ml bottles of water..supposed to inflate the veins. mmmmhmmm…. it did however do wonders for my bladder😊, to that end at least distracting me….. Gulping all the same as I faced those glass shutters once more…..facing that smile, the forced grin, showing off all those perfect teeth…pointy pointy teeth, Helgas tongue slowly moved over them, Was it actually forked? or a product of my fevered imagination… and this time I was completely alone…Debbie opting to sit in her warm safe car…I don’t blame her in the slightest… still I can’t help but feel like a fattened lamb fed to the slaughter…..booking in, I sit looking about myself and at the fellow victims…Patients…😊, I chat nervously at anyone who will listen…they smile, heads nodding…knowingly ….all to soon I hear someone call my name in the distance…ugh…I look about me…as though expecting someone to stand up and take my place…they dont, they wont…I stand, head down, eyes looking at my feet….don’t look em in the eyes, folks, never meet the eyes, it’s like your challenging them…I walk in that tiny room almost like Im about to face a firing squad, not just have a blood test…I follow her slowly, feet shuffling…..she tells me to take a seat, asks my name and date of birth….why oh why did she ask that?, For right then and there, I no longer know which day it is let alone when and if I was born…oh hell.!!!!!!…But in a calm soothing voice she chats to me, trying to put me at my ease….that’s never gonna happen, but I appreciate her efforts….she’s by now slowing turning my right arm, searching for the ever illusive veins….knowing where we are, those beggars have long since deserted me….your on your own mate!!!!! Oh and how I was….

Four attempts, numerous lumps of tape, and the words “sharp prick” later….I thought at first she was asking about of my Ex’s , I nervously joke, “they were not all that bad really”,. the nurse needle poised pointing down over the next spot asks what I had just said?, Oh nothing important honestly, the moment for jokes passing rapidly….eventually I hear jackpot!!!!, I dare not look, in case by doing that mere act it, will encourage the one brave vein to dry up, it had after all taking one for the team….soon as I’m taped I make good my escape, not looking back even for a moment, as I race for the door and my freedom….byeeeeeeee…..

Debbie was nowhere to be seen at this point in time, taking to hiding her tiny car behind a massive 4×4, just in case Helga came from behind the cage to get her to hold me down for the nurse 😁, having located her, we shot off as fast as her wee Nissan could take us, both of us too scared to mention the horrors from within…we still havnt….so now would you like to hear about our wee venture, my returning to being a hooker….think most of you have already guessed though….but in case you were worried about my welfare, I’m not standing on some darkened street corner touting my trade 😁😁😁😁, 1: with these legs I don’t look good in skirts, plus I can’t abide em, 2: it’s too damn cold out there….No what I’m actually doing is Far less exciting….I’m crocheting Beany hats for charity…I’ve since learnt new patterns, enjoying being productive and of use once more, I wake each morning, Procrastination chased away with coffee and speeding off my hook,yet another hat to keep another head warm, which in turn leaves me feeling fuzzy and warm inside …..until later folks, keep warm, keep safe and take care of yourself out there…..💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹🌻🌻🌹.

Dearest Diary….

How strange the last two weeks have been, my mood lurching from exalted highs, to much more grounding lows,. the darker nights draw in, although not effecting me quite so much as many, (well of course not) it is infact throwing me somewhat,.Days seem to be stretching out far longer for some unfathomable reason,..I wake roughly the same time, somewhere between six and seven am, there i begin my morning routine, with the usual three rounds of strong steaming hot coffee,(knowing full well I wouldn’t move without that caffeine kick in the pants😊) Most times I take the first back to bed, sipping it’s warmth, while watching some mindless rubbish on prime, my body warming back up like a basking reptile I need that warmth to move, for as much as I adore this time of year,. nature preparing herself for the long winter shut down, her pause mode, drifting into the oncoming sleep, cometh with winter of course, the not quite so welcome or romantic chill that’s alreasy begun once again to encase the flat, with it of course myself,

Last week I rather perilously clambered up and down my step ladders, half a dozen times, ( heights send my head in a spin, Even if it is just two steps up🙄😊) I was at the time though attempting to cover the bedroom windows with sheets of honeycombed patterned plastic, Because although I’m informed by the Estate agent, that the glazing is in fact suffice, (double glazed), Being No glazier myself of course, instinct tells me it’s far from…Most mornings now I draw back my curtains to see condensation mists fogging half way up each pane, water trails sliding down, leaving puddles of water upon the wood sill.. Taking into further consideration there’s no noise barrier from the outside, then there’s the lovely freezing breeze billowing my curtains, even though they are the heavier lined winter ones I put up mid october.. As I diligently work away at the task at hand, I can’t help but feel an oncoming sadness, Im shutting myself away further still, Away from my beloved outside, where I long to be and love, even though I venture outside less now, upon opening my curtains each morning, light flooded in, with it bringing welcome glimpses of new autumnal colouration, I feel imprisoned further now, another barrier put up in some endeavour to shut out the chill, at the same time closes me in further….but choices are few and I do what I have to, I quickly shut the curtains tightly preventing further sadness building from my new myopic fuzzy view. ….

I’m trying so hard not to use any form of heating, Every now and again bouts of shivering becomes gruesome and tiring, cold eats into my body, I give in finally when my hands are become painful, my nose blue, seems tissues are now a permanent fixture😊, Even though using my dehumidifier doesn’t exactly heat the room of choice, it does knock the temperature up slightly making it almost bearable, also drys the washing,.drying outside the last two weeks has become slowly more impractical..thanks British weather🙄,….When did heating become a luxury here I wonder?, The few times I’ve used it, Guilt washes over me, I watch the smart little blinky monitor that sits upon my chest of drawers, its bright orange pulsing warning light forever informing me I’m going over my electricity budget for that month., Even though I’m increasingly sitting in my dark cold world, the exception being a few cheery strings of flickering battery powered fairy lights, candles with their faint Amber warmth playfully flickering upon the walls….I curl up under my fleece blankets earlier most evenings, Settling down in my cave, like a creature slipping into winter hibernation….

In the week, I ventured out into the small side garden, spending ten minutes clearing small patches of weeds, it’s a brief moment of much needed daylight, I’m only too aware of the benefit of some natural light to ward off depression, doing anything in nature brings about its own reward, as I prepare the ground for the up coming new springs return…it’s like a sacred solemn promise to myself, just as winters approaching fast, with all it the cold onslaught, the darker nights, Spring always always will follow, in other words this too shall pass 😊, … With the soil cold upon my fingers, I shallow dig , clearing weeds and pebbles as I go, I never use gloves to work, it’s just another barrier from myself and mother nature, I love the loamy leafy smell from the patches of earth I work with…it’s smell is cool and delicious, as is the Smokey acrid scent upon the breeze from neighbours log burners, all at once I’m reminded of early morning walks to school, kicking leaves, picking up and inspecting the spent sad firework casings from the night previous, their gunpowdery smell mixing with the bonfire smoke from gardens, grey plumes hanging heavy upon the sharp frosty air…I straighten my aching back, allowing the memory to wash over me, that invisible link from the me of past to the me of today . I’m bought back from time traveling with a bump, as I look about reacquainting myself with my surroundings, out the corner of my eye, I spot a solitary small white pot, filled with early green sprouting daffodil spikes, ….I’m thinking they are from last year’s Paper white Narcissi, …when in flower they are stunning white waxy little multi headed plant, whose sweet perfume fills any room….immediately the compulsion to bring this show of life into my home over takes me…I quickly transfer the many bulbs into an earthen wear pot I had painted a few years back…

They are now sat by the window, their rapidly growing green spires reflect in the warm brown glossy grain of my Cherry wood coffee table, …the blues and sea greens of their hand painted pot adding a much needed splash of colour to the brighten up the otherwise drab livingroom, the life in their pointed leaves brings the outside in, I look forward to them hopefully flowering in the coming weeks,

The mystery of the stinking veggies……

During the last two weeks I’ve had this inexplicable craving for all things veggie, yeah I know I would have to be different🙄, Most folk want sugary carb laden stodge in winter, your cakes, sweets and biscuits….But for me the latest thing is courgettes, leek, Aubergine, carrots, cucumber and onion, all with lashings of garlic ….every night my plate is piled high with steamed crunchy vegetables, the only issue here is, I have to buy ever increasing amounts to top up the sad looking depleted fridge😊, which never bothers me of course, but I do find the increased number of Morrisons deliveries slightly embarrassing, especially living in my ownsome, I often wonder what crosses their mind…id blame Sage but he’s tiny budgie frame would soon give me away….😊.

Take last week for instance, I had my usual Morrisons delivery spot 12:30 on Tuesday, by that Thursday the cupboards or my case fridge was bare, no really it was!!!!!….Only the odd bell pepper and red onion to be seen, that’s not even one meal for moi😊…so I had this brainwave, (no stop it, it’s happens occasionally….tahdahhhhhh! Amazon fresh….remember this name now for future reference please good folksies…..This Zon ordering food malarkey is still fairly new one such as me, but In my opinion im getting the hang of it….I load my interweb virtual basket with Asparagus, Brussels, Green beans, peppers, cougette, tomatoes etc etc😊,. You have to spend over £25 anyway so no problem I think to myself!!!…..it really wasn’t either…I’m lucky enough to secure a 10 o’clock delivery for the very next morning…all good so far, right!!…

Even more impressive is my shopper had managed to find all I had ordered, it’s going to be a good day, I just know it!, . Last Friday In fact dawns one of those rare perfect cloud free Autumn mornings, the skies a glorious periwinkle blue, the sun has that faint surprising warmth attached to it, I’ve woken up in an extraordinary good mood matching the day ahead….I’ve three lines of laundry blowing in breeze…the window in the living room is open, chasing off the frausty too long enclosed air….my coffee is strong and alls right in my tiny corner of the planet….I should have known, this was never going to end well🙄😊😊😊😊😊, .

Just after 10 O’clock there’s the knock on my door, my Amazon delivery has arrived….I have vegetables at last, yay I can eat….Stood at my door is a rather tall gentleman, very friendly, a warm smile greets me, we pass pleasantries as he hands me the two large heavy brown paper bags, I Find I quite enjoy these small exchanges with delivery people, (it keeps me practice for those rare occasions I have to ‘re join the real world). All the while my driver is standing at the door though this horrible stench begins to fill my nose. To be honest I thought the poor guy must have stepped in something….it happens im sure your only to aware!!!, It was eye wateringly pungent, I could feel my nose hairs wither and fall to the floor in neat piles….before long I found myself holding my breath, or putting my hand up to my nose….where’s one of those good old fashioned vinaigrettes when one is required huh?…..Tears begin forming in the corners of my eyes, it’s only politeness preventing me from making my excuses an leaving the conversation early…. After my nose begins dripping in an effort to rid itsself of the stinky onslaught, I beg his pardon, thanking the driver i walk in closing the door on the prevailing pong….ughhhhh!,

I place the bags straight out into the kitchen, Start putting away the items, when I note almost at once, the smell had returned, just like some unwelcome guest,oh goodness its still there…. impossible I think! Surely it’s not me, is it????!!!!!, I turn about in my tiny Galley kitchen knocking into things, in some vain attempt at locating the source of this putrid smell…embarrassment flashing over me, surely I hadn’t just stood at that door chatting, stinking to high heaven….forgetting there’s no curtain at the kitchen window, I lift my top and arms to sniff…..yeah I really did that!!!!!!, I spin about sniffing around me like some amphetamine laced demented blood hound, but try as I might I just could not find the smell…..I checked my shoes, bottom of the bags, items in the blooming bags,,,, nothing…..but there it hung about in the air ….like so many garlands of strung up doggy do,s…. reaching under the sink for a bottle of disinfectant spray, I began dousing everything within reach….my house spiders ran for cover, havnt seen them since, I scrub every inch of myself, change my clothes respray the fetid air, oh help !!!.

That evening I decide to cook myself a chicken breast with green beans,Brussels sprouts, and broccoli…I prepare the veggies as the coated chicken cooks merrily away in the air fryer…I plan to steam them as is my norm….putting them on to cook for just minutes before letting them steam away for a further five in a covered bowl….As the vegetables cook away….this overwhelming smell rises up through the air in a nose abusing steamy stench….only it’s worse than ever….there’s no escape, as the moist air is making it rise up. Permeating every nook and cranny, thinking it has to be my imagination, I drain the veggies and leave them steaming in their bowl….five minutes later however I go back out into the kitchen, lift the lid on the steaming contents, and as I do….it’s like the steam takes on a life of its very own, ramming itself firmly up its nostril and strangling my throat….eyes watering, choking me….I put the lid straight back on before it gets a further strangle hold….When Im recovered enough, I grab out the green beans from my fridge…snapping one, I bravely sniff the offending item…..this it it! Voila!!!!, I’ve located the blooming pong!…..but not only do the beans stink, everything within reach does also, it’s all contaminated….I’m contaminated…my fingers are reeking….there’s no escaping, it evades everything….I scrub my hands numerous times, but I can still smell that lingering stink….ughhhh, I grab out all the vegetables from the fridge, I double bag everything and throw it straight out into the bin…angry at the waste, the cost, I don’t bother with dinner, I seemed to have had a sudden hunger bypass….next day I put in an order from my old favourite Morrisons, then thoroughly clean out the fridge,bleaching the kitchen afterwards …lesson learned the easiest way isn’t always the best….. It was one expensive lesson…I thank goodness for my sense of smell, who knows what damage would have ensued had I eaten any of that……well I hope you all have a good week ahead of you folks…take care of yourself and be careful out there …..💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄😁

Daffodil days and sleepless nights…..Dear Diary…

My pre wake up, wake up was originally around 4:30am, this being the third time of the night, I had been somewhat rudely awakened either by screams or someone shouting off in the distance, bed covers were somehow up and entangled someplace around my neck, although my legs were left bare and freezing, the rest of me was soaked through to the skin, heart pounding until it hurt against my chest …I looked about the room, fully expecting to find monsters of my dreams hiding in the darkened shadowy corners, lurking, Of course there was nothing there, logically I already knew this to be true. But trying to reconcile that with the not fully conscious fear induced mind is monstrous hard…Pulling my favourite blanket around me tighter I began working on my breathing, counting each breath as I went.., in through my nose out through my mouth, just breathe Treez!…Im thankful for years ago and learning yoga breathing out of an old book of my sister’s those many moons ago…At the time I never really gave it much credence, if honest, like most thinking it mumbo jumbo, in that moment though i was most grateful, having something other than the constant replaying of the visions before me to work upon, doing anything is proactive, plus useful for calming my speeding heart…as I awake fully, I know the screams that I had heard in the night, had been none other than my own, almost animal like in their terror…During the day I can control my reacrions to a certain extent,where as at night my subconscious digs deeper within the unexplored confines, regressing, finding out old buried weakness and plays them on loop….As I move about throughout that day,i have the smells, sensations of being touched and the voices around me for some time, it’s not till much later I realise im being over vigilant, scanning my surroundings constantly, my ears listening for any slight noise ….but at least now I’m wide awake….

I read,then watch an episode of a latest series on prime, anything to stave off further sleep, at 8am the darkness makes way for a shiny new dawn and although my head is still full of oneirism, I take comfort in my self inflicted routine, cold shower, hot coffee, work on the kitchen, laundry…these are boring, mundane, but I find I need this for now..I take a comfort from it….even though the Sun’s rising, the sky the most beautiful cobalt blue, I check the front door several times, it’s locked, I know it, but is it?, I question myself, or was it just a memory of locking it on previous days……i feel the over whelming need to indulge this…I push down the cold brass handle until it won’t move any further, the red and white candy striped string holding a line above the lock ring out almost in protest….but I know I will check this again….

I take a hot coffee back to bed, no plans to return to sleep, but I feel already depleted, it’s still early and there’s a real Autumnal chill in the crisp clear air, As I sip the syrupy(extra honey for shock😊) delicious hot drink it goes a long way to revive shattered nerves, as it’s warmth gives me that welcome hug, I form a stilted plan for my day….I will plant out the large yellow netting bag of mini daffodils, the same ones I had brought back in the beginning of September., Visions of clumps of golden trumpets nodding in the breeze next spring made me smile…..envisioning it and getting off ones mahoosive derriere to bring it about, are it seems two different things,(funny that😊) I know if I don’t knuckle down to the job fairly soon, the bulbs will go green alright, but not with spikey leaves, just a lovely growth of powdery mildew,🙄 no glorious golden swaying heads there then….😊, i tell myself it will be good for me, therapy outside in the sunshine, but persuasion be thy name coffee…I need another if I’m going to do hard Labour splitting rocks in the salt mines😊….ok stop the dramatics Treez, your planting Daffies for goodness sakes, not doing punishment, so why does it feel like it then….?😁

As the kettle comes to a shuddering halt, steam circling the chilly kitchen air, I’m all at once encased with the need to hear a comforting friendly voice..it’s overwhelming in its power…I require something or is that someone to help chase away the still visiting horrors of the night previous, I need to connect with a loved one, as one hand surrounds the comforting warmth of my coffee mug, the other bits the green dial button for my daughter,, knowing without a word leaving my mouth, she will sense something is amiss, there’s that bond as old as time itself between mother and daughter, as her laughter fills my ears it drowns out screams, not just the sound of it, but the physical ….I feel my shoulders relax, the high alert I’ve been unconscious of drops down a peg or two as does my over response to outside stimuli… There’s that whole safety in numbers thing at its best, I’m with my pack, my clan, I’m ok!

After hanging up, I feel an instant return to unease, it’s palpable, a cold loneliness eats away at me , Here I know I have to fight it, So taking the yellow net bag of Daffodil bulbs from the hiding place of the cupboard, plus a small trowel, I venture off out into the brilliant sunshine, I cannot sit myself upon the ground as it’s still wet with that mornings dew, kneeling is out of the question due to my knees, So with my back near to breaking I begin the odious task of bending to dig the holes, the grounds filled with bits of jagged stone, brick and broken rock, so whose idea was this again?, that’s right Treez it was in fact yours Genius!!!!!!!!😊, but as mutter curse words under my breath digging each pain staking blooming hole, I feel the warmth of the sun across my back, dirt fast becoming impacted in my once clean and tidy nails, feeling somewhat repugnant but glorious at the same time…I love feeling this sense of disorganised achievement, at one with nature, it’s silent healing, despite the aching protests of long ago atrophied muscles I get enjoyment from my Labours, looking forward all the while to a host of golden Daffodils, where now stands a Barron plot….50 bulbs later, I can barely straighten my back, my knees swollen and my head aches but the sense of fulfilling the task far outweighs the effort….still the night before hangs over my head, I’m glad to go back in to the safety of my confines, I lock the door and go make a cup of Ginger tea…happy in the knowledge later that day that I had successfully won at least one battle , by 4pm that afternoon I fell into an involuntary exhaustive sleep…did I dream ?, The sleep was so deep I’ve no recollection of doing so, sometimes my body takes over from my overly tired mind, bringing relief even if it is just temporary, it knows best…….I was once questioned or was that interrogated by someone in authority, who sat and stated that my transgressers of the past had not physically done myself any permanent damage….I and those that live about me would wholeheartedly disagree …although there’s no longer any scars, bruises from the physical or mental abuse, look within a survivors troubled mind for even a second and you will see the daily battle commence from waking that morning until exhaustion won’t allow us to carry on….it’s there written upon our hearts, minds and souls, with permanent ink……..whatever your up to this dull wet day, take care of you, stay safe until next time 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜x

Lets play Fridge frenzy ….

You know those times?, normally around the wee small hours of the night?, When anyone with half ounce of sanity and a dash of common sense, are fast asleep? ….Well then there’s the rest of us raving lunatic insomniacs, …On many of these occasions my brain decides oh 3am this is the perfect time to go over everything last thing that’s wrong in your tiny corner of the looniverse…last week’s conundrum…how shall we loose this 6lb, gained since learning to bake the practically perfect gooey treble chocolate chip cookie? 🍪, that was fatal…..but in my defence they really were utterly divine., Trouble was each one was also sighs!. So how to loose this excess weight?……At the same time I’m also doing my online groceey shop….well doesn’t everyone do their shopping in the night while half asleep?….what do you mean not normally!!!!!! That will be just me then.😐

Just as I was ready to go through to checkout, I decided to check my list to make sure I had everything…..And boy did I have everything…there was that stray large packet of cashew nuts, vegetable crisps, French fancy cakes, oven fries, fish fingers, ect ECT ECT🙄 ……Not one solitary morsel of green stuff in sight….this on the whole isn’t me, I’m normally a very good eater(don’t sayyyyyy it)…I love fruit and veg…ok I also love cake, but I do try to avoid it where humanely possible😊, ….

Feeling deeply ashamed of my sudden onslaught of gluttony, I release all the goodies or is that baddies from my cart back into the wild😊, then i begin all over again by adding those things I know I should be having…Until my trolley is a positive rainbow of the vegetable variety…I have covered every root,vine,and pod, I sit back feeling all smug, thinking to myself when my delivery guy brings this little haul ain’t he going to be impressed😊, I check out then promptly fall into a deep comatose sleep ….see it’s working already…

That was last week, and I must confess a lot of the fresh vegetables still lurked untouched, looking at me accusingly each time I opened the fridge door….I tried shutting my eyes and wildly grabbing for the milk but ended up with mayonnaise…erm nope even my pallet won’t stretch to that in my morning coffee…..over the weekend I decided these veggies were trouble and had vegged out in my fridge quite long enough thankyou….I was sick of them doing a song and dance each time the spot light went on in the fridge…I was going to show them…huh!! …so here’s how you play along with Fridge frenzy….

Thousand vegetable soup….

Ok maybe not quite, but any you have to hand, and if those vegetroubles have any manky bits on them trying to get you to avoid eating them …..chop it off ouchhhhhhh!😊

My recipe….5 carrots or there abouts, .1. slightly manky red onion, green sprouting, I even used this chopped, .1. Leek, .1. Courgette.1. Parsnip.1. Potato, eyes enough to see in the dark. Any old frozen veg you have left over in the freezer..Garlic, tin of chopped toms, tin of French onion soup,.2. Stock cubes of choice,.1. teaspoon of ginger powder,.1. tablespoon of mixed herbs, parsley, basil and celery salt….I put this all in for four hours on low heat, in the slow cooker/crock pot, set about doing real chores, when it was virtually cooked, say the last 30 minutes…I made a slurry of corn flour and tomato ketchup, stir this well, add a ladle of your soup mix, stir some more then add to your crock pot, allowing it to cook on for another 30 minutes……when it was done I liberally added several glugs of worcheshire sauce to add a kick….. It turned out super thick, full of flavour and perfect for a cheap healthy lunch….if you want it thinner for your taste just add more water or stock……Bon appetite!!! Mon petits fleurs……until next time look after yourselves…..stay safe🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻x

Pocket watch….Dear diary

As young child I remember back being somewhat fascinated by a thick gold linked chain that stretched in a loose swag from a button hole of my Grandfathers black waist coat, into a small shallow pocket…looking back I thought how it must of been attached to a very prize possession, because it was always so very highly polished, gleaming in the light, being of that era where a small child was seen and not heard, I never felt brave enough to enquire into what it was, Grandfather being rather tall and thin of stature, I felt very much in awe.. To me he seemed also somewhat stern and unapproachable,not so sure he was actually, because all big people(adults seemed the same 😊 , But that was only my take on things.. This day though while clutching hold of my Dads hand, eager to make good our escape before the big person felt a sudden hunger and saw me as a likely snack….I had a vivid imagination even back then…., we were Saying our goodbyes at the end of a very dark hallway near to the front door..he must have seen me eyes drawn to the winking gleam of the chain…A rare smile heightened his drawn lined face, hes wrinkled calloussed hand, reaching in slowly to his waist coat pocket he withdrew what to me was one of the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, what light there was bounced off the elaborate scrollwork and feathery Pattens across its case, I held my breath as it hung there spinning about on its thick gold rope like chain, capturing not only time, but reflection as it danced, I was entranced, but even more so as Grandfather pushed down a button upon the top, where it flipped open suddenly, to reveal a white face, three black hands with one perfect red ruby by the number six…I gasped as hushed notes began playing, a tune, which to this day I can never remember😊, but as he held it up against my ear I heard it’s ticking,,,, it was alive!!! …..From then on in I was always going to have my very own one day (it’s what I now know as a fob watch) , My own time capturing treasure….. , recently I relented….now Sat constantly at my side hangs a black fobwatch. And it’s all mine!!!!!!!

There are nights I struggle with sleep, laying awake for hours, an endless silence crashes in on my every thought..it’s deafening with yet another long stark cool reminder….I’m alone!, …..what I do next for a modicum of comfort may seem odd to some, mayhap something quite peculiar,. I take my fob watch from its regular hanging place beside my bed, slipping it under my left ear..its black filigree case hard, cool to touch,. But when I hear its ticking, that small clockwork heart beat, sounding out the seconds, minutes, hours as they evaporate from night into new another dawn…. Metal internal cogs turn slow but constant, it’s become an instant comfort, a reminder of another time, another far off place, where my head would rest upon the warmth of another, listening to a similar beat, a beat that also made note of time, a time where I felt cocooned in a silken protective layer, far away from the outside world, one of warmth, safety, home, where monsters that lurk in shadowy nooks and corners of the troubled mind are vanquished….it’s as near as I can get to a return to that moment…close to when I felt protected…and more importantly both mind and body resting…

Furtively I look across to check the phone, seeing if Jesse sleeps, he does, so secretly once again I slip the watch under my left ear, it’s been a nightly occurrence of late, (habitual) for as much as I try to turn my small bedroom into a place of calm, tranquillity, with teddy soft yellow fleece throws covering the single bed, candlelight flickering and dancing sending aloft amber warmth across the cool white walls…all my favourite things surround me, but as I try to recreate a safe place, a haven…it’s not here… it’s never here!!!!, And I’ve craved escape from the darkness that’s ever encroaching my mood, it’s like housing a bee hive in one’s brain, feeling their fluttering, hearing their constant drone, waiting for the sting …it’s relentless, endless, what’s more I cannot create a retreat physically, it has to be mentally, until I find the answers inside myself, there’s no escape ….depression is a fickle beast, one of cunning in her depravity, once it’s sharp claws and teeth have hold of their 1lb of flesh there’s little one can do …. Just ride it out

Endless mind chatter pursues both day and night, even dreams are not sacred, they become fractured patterns of past, present and make believe, seen through kaleidoscopic eyes,. .. I know for instance that I’m more inclined to feel the need to chat around these times, talking shuts out the endless droning words of cruelty…that inner bully,, If there’s no one around to talk at😊, I try to immerse myself into one of the many books I may read during the course of a week, as I’ve said often in the past, there’s a grand secret pathway of liberation via the authors written word, Some come with time machines that whisk you off in a mere moment to other century, becoming your own time lord,😊…, Others have exotic climes and places,,,whichever it happens to be it’s freedom from ones own thoughts,… I devour the words, page after page, hungry for that departure from life, living all too often vicariously through the characters lives, those being infinitely better than my own😊….I don’t see them as trapped between the covers of books, they are adventurous, fearless with endless possibilities, all the things I cannot be at this present juncture ….

Never were books more important than this week, daily the skies where almost black and heavy with still more rain, Cabin fever hitting me more often than I would like, although I’m virtually house bound it’s good to have the option to get outdoors, should I so choose, I rarely do but I’m contrary like that…I just like to know it’s there😊, so far this week, I’ve read four books, using the pull of each as a bribe, I can read more when I’ve vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, made food…it prevents the screaming blacks(depression ) from taking over completely, I refuse to be suffocated by its density…it’s my wee fight toward light…it’s where my pertinacious works for me, wading through swamps of the depressed mind is fearsome, I’m oft scared I will get lost permanently, unable to find my way back…but while in recovery from my latest battle, I use words as my shield, whether souced from one of my favourite songs or penned by a brilliant author, story tellers…I’m deeply grateful to both at these times….them and my loved ones become the warm glow of the brightest candle, my guides ….they will never know the gratitude or love I feel……enough chatter from me folks….stay warm, stay safe, and look after you, because your amazing….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻