Morning …..

I only know this today because Jesse told me it was on waking lol, other than that I’m thinking I would be caught up in a belief it was still Sunday night, perhaps forever who knows ?, ….sleep happened much like my favourite Nordic drama,s, in episodes, None of which lasted longer than twenty minutes, And the nightmares where far darker than any script writer could muster, I lay awake watching episodes of poor dramas throughout the night, trying to find us something new and exciting to set our imagination,s wild there upon binge on….we finished one whole series yesterday(sunday) afternoon, (what can I say?. it was cold wet and dreary, perfect day for six hours of beautiful Swedish countryside, Moody dark sky’s and catching murderers, ….

The refluxfluxfluxflux…….

I’ve have terrible stomach issues most of my adult life, it’s why Invented the game Poolette, see without being crude, with my stomach you never quite know when a cramp is just that, or something a whole lot more special, like a sudden urge to dash to the bathroom, hence the poolette,( like Russian roulette only more nerve wracking) butt(scuse the pun intended) since Covid, this has only intensified, now going into the garden is a hit and miss affair …it’s easier to stay home and have stuff delivered ,safer for all concerned too, for the past week though it’s been fun getting to know my bathroom better, I discovered there’s only seven laminate boards across, Barca patch of mould shaped like Italy in the corner ,….. add some pretty awful acid reflux and life’s a bowl of soup……(Yes I know that’s cherries, but I’ve lived on nothing other that soup for a whole week now, chicken soup, vegetable soup, beef broth, tomato, leek and potato , yes there’s variety but I’m just longing for a blooming large ham sandwich or hot buttered toast 😀 ……

Curtain,s for me…..

On one of these many trips to the small room , I looked about me and decided it was time I did something about the privacy issue here, there is of course the obligatory frosted window, but there’s a number of houses behind me that over look my bungalow….some nights I feel like I could be the local entertainment, lights shining behind me, centre stage Cue the stripper music, and action, swings knickers about head, causing a small tornado, not fancying the performing game at this stage of my life, I decided it’s time I took the bulls horns (or however that goes) …the batten of wood thank goodness is already firmly screwed to the wall for which I’m most grateful, all I will need to do is put hooks into this and cut the correct length curtain wire, (what can go wrong) … it started so well too, (i found the correct screw driver go me) ……it’s also 3am, doesn’t everyone do their DIY jobs in the early hours? Nooooooo! 🤔,

Action…..

So there I am full view of the window, light from behind me still in the hallway, climbing up perilously, to do the hard part getting the screws to go into the wood, forgetting of course I had just hours previously made ready for my bed, so now in my shirt and undies, I’m merrily screwing away, I sing to myself for moral support,( vital part of DIY, all the trades men do it) and my unbeknownst act began…… to my delight and surprise I had achieved my goal quickly and efficiently …. ThenI hit on an ingenious idea, lights go off in my head, (shining through gaps my ear holes), I can use a Bamboo cane to thred through my curtain onto and lay this on the screws (oh Treez,what a master plan) this then won’t sag in the centre, plus also look much more aesthetically pleasing(hate things going saggy in the middle don’t you?)….so with no more ado, I go out into the garden hunting down Bamboo, which by the way, we all know is native to England right?, …. by now its 3:30am, wet, cold, I have no shoes on, more to the point actually ,I’m still only in my knickers and shirt, but no one’s around at that time surely😁, I do however find a cane, that just that very morning, I had taken out of my dying back bean plants, …yes!!!! I call out triumphant to no one in particular , maybe a watching star or two in the cloudless sky, but as I ease myself back into a standing position, I note to my absolute horror a neighbour stood at their bedroom window, being me I smile and brandish the cane in his direction as if by doing so it will explain my somewhat strange and irrational behaviour, not stopping to think this could and probably did look threatening😮, ………why was I doing all this in the first place?(oh yes to protect my modesty ahemmmm, to late Mrs Worthington)……..

The final act…….

I took in my cane,which as it turns out was in fact way too long for purpose, and plus wouldn’t stay on the blooming screws, so after more searching, i manage to find a piece of curtain wire, it needs trimming to size , easy done I thinks to myself, taking hold of my trusty wire cutters. I begin the process, . But wire not cooperating quite as i think it should, I get antsy tug at it with the cutters, being stretchy it breaks for freedom and smacks me quite soundly round the face, to this I nearly fell from my rickety foot stool just saving myself in time by grabbing the window latch ….when all this was done I look up at the only curtain I had to hand that was fitting for the job, hated it immediately, bright red does not go with Lavender walls, but by now I’ve had enough , put away my screw drivers, foot stool, say goodnight to a very bemused Cinnamon Rabbit and climb into bed to leave it for the next day……..there it began all again……

It was one of those Glorious October days yesterday, so very unlike the day just previously, this one the sun shone brightly, even in its overcast dark grey cloud laden sky, it even had some remaining late summer warmth about it, which was most welcome. I hurriedly pegged out my still dripping wet hand washed laundry in vain hopes the warm breeze would dry it before it could get a further rinse cycle, by yet another sudden and unexpected monsoon or three, we have had a lot of participation here of late, not that I’ve minded … fact was there’s been something quite special about laying around on my big squishy sofa, a roaring fire blazing in the log burner, listening to the rain hammering loudly upon the glass conservatory roof ,as it did so washing away leaves,twigs and moss, ..( This is my new favourite pastime btw, leaf and moss race, nearly always the leaf that wins though…..

But despite my constant feeding of its large ever open mouth, my stove did little to warm me, I felt chilly …I decided I needed to invest in a further fleece throw, in none other than of course Red,( I’ve only six in assorted colours by the way)but I wanted red, this being our theme….I could of course crochet one but this would involve a hook thing, wool(yarn) and hours of work ….besides some months back I gone off crochet in a huge way…..(sighs) …. So I spent a happy hour, searching on Amazon for a thick Sherpa fleece ….Found it! , After this I decided what the living room was still missing and really needed to finish it off was a nice clock!,

I looked at countless, plastic cheap characterless clocks, nothing spoke to me, not one matched my now already taking shape living room or thereof my budget, I was disappointed,…that was though until as I left the clock section in a huff, there quite by chance an advert appeared,( Magic!!!!!) …tah dah!!!!, They have Build your own Clock kit,s now days you know., …And as I tentatively ventured a sneaky peek, I saw pages of the said kits, you know they have clocks for all occasions ?, Large complicated looking things all cogs and widgets, wall clocks with dangly doodah,s, some shaped like owls,, others like buildings, I scrolled one by one, my old lack of confidence screamed in my ears , your never going to be able to do this( this is normally a male voice by the way, it always is) but I told that! To get out at Fenchurch street !!!, shutting my eyes,I bought one quickly before I could over think it…( I’m famous for over thinking) …..

Next day my lovely red fleece throw arrived and with it the actually dreaded clock, I had by now had over night to dwell on things, who am I kidding I had thought of little else, I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the box,let alone open it!, Almost felt like it somehow mocked me……so I shoved it under the bed quickly where all scary things live right?……but as the day wore on that blooming clock called from under its resting place, I tried ignoring it, in fact I did every chore I had to do for the week, kidding myself as I went about it, that I was far too busy to play clock building, floors sparkled, kitchen units squeaked under protest as I bleached them for the third time that day, ….my rabbit put all his toys up against his houses doors barricading me from entry in case I should begin on his home next…..eventually I had to give up and sit down….

That night as Jesse and I settled down to watch some episodes of our latest Nordic noir, I saw his tired eyes droop, his breathing deepen and I knew he was asleep, that’s when that blooming clock shouted loudest,with nothing else left in the world to act as a distraction I finally gave in to its nagging, ….I would just have a little look I thought, kidding myself…….on opening the box, it didn’t really look too complicated at all, actually thought for a moment I can do this, right?!!!!,

The first sections I thought as I went through it even I could false myself to do, from there it began, I did everything as quietly as I possibly could, so as not to wake jesse, Even cursed in the lowest decibels I could muster…..doubts beginning to already haunt my head, I put the clock away before I had even separated the bits needed from the sheets of laminated board…..I gave into those doubts to easy, and had already began to hate myself for it….. so picking back up the box I had just moments previously slammed shut in temper, I set to it in earnest,sat crossed legged upon my bed, bits of clock from one end to the other, I began pushing my doubts aside and putting bit 1A to another piece marked 1A, this was just the A,s,..I had the whole bloody alphabet to get through, bits pinged across the room as I unattached them from the sheets, other much smaller pieces made their bid for freedom by dropping someplace on my darkened floor, Because everyone makes clocks by a single strand of fairy lights don’t they??????Piece by piece I put it together, it was only difficult in so much as there are poking outty bits you have to slot into the cut out inny bits, …well my outty bits just didn’t want to Cooperate and go in the inny bits properly,( I cursed like a dock worker on a Saturday night pub crawl)…..by the time I actually came to the clock mechanism, that blooming clock had been put together three times,

But despite the second hand falling in love with the minute hand and me having to part them apart constantly, I finally won my battle, I now has myself a working, fully assembled clock ……it sits in pride of place among strands of twisted ivy, white fairy lights and candles…it was as I made this clock though I realised how little of such things I knew, there’s many little DIY jobs that need tackling and I have not got one clue how to go about them, I’ve tried YouTube and they make it all look so damned easy….you noticed this, I have to wonder ,as I do are there classes for woman who have never say repaired a toilet seat, put together a cabinet, unblocked the drain, some of us are living alone for the first time ever and no clue, getting in tradesmen for even simple jobs costs a fortune doesn’t it?….well I guess it’s one job at a time, this weekend I’m being let loose on making Christmas cards, it’s a much more sedate pastime than chopping wood and slicing through your thumb……no don’t ask …I’m capable of anything 😃, have yourselves a grand weekend folks and keep safe 💛💛💛💚💚💚💚💛💛💛💚💚💚💚💛💛💛💙💙💙💛💛💛💛x

Over this past week I spent some time trying to bond with my living room., No!!!!!!!, I have not finally lost it…..(But i will try explain myself more clearly), See I’ve lived here in my small but extremely comfortable bungalow now for roughly about fifteen month,s. And despite all those months passing, I had until recently never really spent any time in other room other than my bedroom, (fleeting moments in the kitchen and bathroom the exception of course.

but one day in the week I decided enough was about enough,……the living room is very neat, but really is very sparsely furnished, it consisted of a rather large red sofa,a coffee table , Cinnamon,s(my rabbit) huge two story beautifully made woodern home, and my favourite thing of all the black log burning stove…(.I love that stove ..

Thursday had arrived with it my decision that I had finally felt enough procrastination was done for one week, And while I sat perched rather uncomfortably on the edge of one big over stuffed red cushion of the normally very comfy sofa. I began to thinking….the settee is a gorgeous old thing ,it pulls you down into its rather voluptuous softness ,( but for all that I just couldn’t sit on it longer than a few minutes at any one time, ……I looked about me, And within those minutes I knew what I needed to do to make this room homely….Rolling up my very large pale green floral rug first, I set about making this change from cold but beautiful room into a warm welcoming haven……And the beauty of having so little in it , I had achieved my goal before I even had time to wear myself out……😄

Except for one thing, that first day I sat out there, i felt so out of place, it felt strange and still not at all a home, unlike the warmth my comfortable bedroom afforded me, it still felt stark , cool and almost like I was visiting. there still was nothing of me about it…..but I persevered, gradually as the day wore on, I bought in some cushions, bright soft fleece throws, candles, my crystal lamp, and with each new thing I saw the cold starkness transform, it was indeed coming to life, almost like it gained a personality finally, a long garland of ivy lay the length of Cinnamons house, twinkling fairy lights, and a small bouquet of the end of season flowers from my garden completed the ensemble ….finally it felt lived it, it welcomed me to spend time there…..

Today soon as I got up and finished my chores, I set about making up the log burner, first i twisted tightly a pile of old letters that I had sorted through the day previously, some cardboard, to this i layered pieces of wood off cuts, it sparked almost at once into life , flames like hot tongues danced between paper, card and wood, it was alive, bringing an instant warm glowing richness and I lay there upon the sofa gazing into its depths , caught up within its spell like crackling embers….as I watched the flames flicker and weave between the stacked wood, my mind travelled to a Sunday from long ago, the orange flames reminding of a place that for a short space in time I had also felt at home…

In 2018 for three whole, glorious months I lived with Jesse and his dog across the ocean, travelling there alone, upon numerous planes , seeing another country, and Jesse all for the first time it was one of the most courageous I think I’ve ever done…..I knew very little of America, less still of its culture, people and their way of life, all I knew was what I had taken from films, books and the news….I went with an open mind, and a willingness to embrace not only Jesse but everything American…..I soon learnt they don’t all walk like John wayne (I love western,s by the way) keep horses in their garage and have endless pan,s, of baked beans cooking on the stove….😁 .

Over the weeks we drove here and there(Jesse was pretty determined that I would experience as much into our precious days together as he could) and no matter where we ended up( mostly on a total whim I felt welcomed, loving the softness of the local accent, the fact there really are fire hydrants on the corners of each of the streets, yellow school buses piled with children going to school, taxis with those black conquered band,s down the middle, Maces, Wendy’s ,Tim Hortons (oh how I love Tim Horton,s …..there was a myriad of sights and with each one I proclaimed a loud excited oh wow!!!!!!!!,

What memory I hold dearest though was the beauty of my first ever fall(Autumn)…mother nature is without doubt beautiful, no matter where you travel to, But in the USA she indeed pull,s out all the stop,s…I almost felt she knew I was a visitor to her shores and wanted me to see her in all her glory, I loved the tree lined streets and avenues, gorgeous trees dressed in their fall finery, Gown,s of Golds, orange,burnished coppers, and deepest reds, like the tree,s, we’re on fire, it was that beauty that captured my imagination , these trees flames into dark grey autumnal skys, bringing a decadent warmth against that deep battleship grey backdrop of the sky,

Houses were dressed up,bedecked in glow of twinkling lights, pumpkins , squash, skull,s, filled with Guttering lit candles, excited Children an equally charged parents dressed up in costumes walking the streets , tiny buckets of candy in hand, I was enraptured by every scene, I had seen some of this in films , but nothing and I mean nothing prepared me for what my eyes beheld, ….I was as excited as those very children, trying so hard to take everything in at once…..it was to be an impossible feet, we spent happy afternoons in the chocolate cafe, drinking delicious freshly made hot chocolate (from real chocolate) a large slice of sickly sweet cake shared between us, that was so good it shouldn’t be allowed, seriously, as we drove slowly home , passing the local library , it’s steps were covered in large carved orange pumpkin,s, each different and unique, ……. Those weeks, months I didn’t only fall very much in love with one American man that visit , but all of her sights, sounds and peoples, it captured my heart, my soul ….but the best thing was I had finally found someplace to call home…….stay safe and warm my friends 💚💚💚💚💙💙💙💙💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Thursday……

well I think it is, although I’m not quite sure to be absolutely honest, it started out that way anyhow, …It’s been over a week now since the issues I have been having with my neck are slowly driven me crazy person…the pain is one thing, (myself and pain are old enemies from way way back, having a deep unhealthy respect for one another) but not being able to turn my head to the left without the room spinning out of kilter, or the loud cracks that reverberate throughout my head is another, But the new issue that really worries me most now….. is this is the third morning in a row, for just a few minutes upon waking, I am unable to move my head at all, call me weird, or unusual but this is not optimal, going to the bathroom being something most of us need or want to do at some point, eventually, it does normally resume service at some point I know , but it’s deeply unnerving not being able to shift to get up even if somewhat briefly …..

at first I tried the wait and see approach, this being a favourite of mine, I do this with everything health related, much to loved ones chagrin. If it doesn’t kill me and I see even the slightest improvement, I win and have avoided the dreaded doctors office once more…..(Myself and doctors offices justttt…, well we don’t mix, ….Have you ever noticed how they always want to stick needles in you, …this is fine, but I have unfortunately flat veins, it normally takes some poor exacerbated over worked nurse several attempts, …they will Often ask me where my veins are located,?….I shrug look at them puzzled,” erm they’re in there somewhere I’m sure..(it’s almost like mining for oil really!!!) They try different approaches, getting me to make a fist, dangle my arm down beside the chair, look away as if that will coax the offending veins to appear, maybe they are shy !!!! , another thing is to drink pints of water before I leave, then keep me waiting out side till I’m fit to burst, or the water floods out the many pin cushion holes i,m filled with later…..I digress

Today I decided enough was indeed enough, after showering, I make up my mind today’s the day to take positive action ….( I’m phoning the surgery……, I really mean it, I am…..no honestly, .But I hate phones, I whine to myself, and it’s true I do, to me they are work of the devil himself, No good has ever comes from them., Right then If I could have grabbed some poor unsuspecting neighbour, in off the street to do this for me, then I surely would have, ( this though I think is akin to kidnap though isn’t it? And probably frowned upon in most states) ..so I search out my surgeries number, it’s been months since I last broke down and called…(I locate it eventually via the powers that be, (google), doesn’t everyone do this? I love Google lol…..

From long off experience, I know this is going to take some time….Coffee ,I’m going to need coffee at some point, …I ll make a thermos I think , grabbing an icy cold can of rhubarb and apple juice from the fridge, least I’m prepared….I make my bed, visit the bathroom and holding my breath I ring the number….An automated voice immediately tells me due to Covid 19 they are no longer taking prescriptions, by person, it’s all done via some electronic device kept hidden in a vault or something……..but it then goes on to inform me if this is a medical emergency hang up and dial 666 or is that 999, but I now have five options, (ohhhhhh goody)…..all I have to do is choose one…press one if you want to cancel an appointment(cancel one !!!!!!!cancel one! Noooo, I want one I say to the automatic voice recorder person, . Press two if you want some long list of services that were garbled in some foreign tongue or so fast I’ve no clue to this day what was said, Maybe it was rude!!!! (i,m just hoping I didn’t want one of those!, Or three for appointments. Yes, yes, yes !!!!, Three, I want three I shout hurriedly to the inhuman voice thing…..

Too late! , I’m put in a queue, And I’m number five…..I sigh, settle down with my coffee, this music that is a jingly, plinky-plonky thing…., the same five notes, over and over, plays on a loop, …..it takes ten minutes for me to move up to number four, And the only saving grace with this is, I’m not actually physically stood outside in the heat, attacked by marauding wasps, coughed over by fellow queuee’s or listening to Ethelred’s stories of bravery surviving his growing toe nail, (I am at least spared this) ….

I drink more coffee, write my shopping list, polish the furniture, hang out the wash, wash up, all the while accompanied by those same by- now-driving-me-absolutely-crazy five notes….. the phones flashing how little credit I have left by now to add insult to further injury. I bellow at it ‘I knowwwww!!!!!’ Jesse stirs in his sleep, jumps and settles back down again. (I’m at once filled with gratitude that I had the forethought to feed and clean out poor Cinnamon bun.) If not, he may well have chewed his way out his room. And just like a Monty Python sketch turned rabid vampire bunny and chewed my throat out…..I quickly shake this vision from my head and poured yet another coffee. By now it has been an hour. I have had at least three large coffees and a bathroom break is on code red, in other words: imminent, but a thought struck me, what if that minute I go, I get through to a real life person type human being!!!!!!

I decided waiting it out was infinitely more preferable than some poor horrified receptionist hearing me go to the loo, so I waited, and waited some more…… My domed clock’s thin red hand ticks away the seconds, then minutes. The four gold balls that spin around under its glass case, carry on spinning. Somewhere in the distance an ice cream truck chimes out it’s tune, children laugh, Cinnamon is happily throwing about his newly acquired colourful ball…. the world goes on… well, all except mine!!! (That is.) I’m stuck in limbo, in phone hell……

Eventually when I’ve reached the point of nodding off to sleep, a voice in the distance says hello my name’s Gertrude or whatever it was. My sleepy brain by now numb from the anesthetizing tune, that even though it’s stopped at long last, goes on and on, around and around my poor mind. She apologized for my wait, asks me to give a quick run down of why I’m calling. Before I get out half a sentence, she says “let me stop you there!!!!!” Gertrude informs me that my first call will go into a tree house or something, ….I will get to speak to a doctor on the phone, who will then decide if I need to speak to a doctor. “Great” I say. “Let’s do that”. ”Okay” says Gertie in her best officious voice. ”Call back tomorrow at eight”, and puts the phone down……..this, my lovelies, is why I hate phones. Oh well, tomorrow is another day and I will spend it waiting by the phone. Think of me !!!!!!!! Stay healthy out there folks. 💙💗💛💚💗💙💛💚💗💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

I had been searching for something for over an hour, Despite my small bedroom in the winter being cold, at the best of times, …I was hot , tired and getting more antsy by the minute with this more organised self for not putting things in their rightful places, …But it is still a fairly new phenomenon for me….Past me didn’t just have the one messy drawer in the kitchen, like most homes, oh no I was lucky if I had one tidy drawer, but this was me in my other life, my living with others, my trying to organise a balloon race in a whirlwind days,….since living alone now, I have drawers for every thing, I love being able to locate exactly what I want, when I want it, without stress, without the running about breathless ,red faced and ready to kill something…..

But today I had sadly let myself down, I found books, papers, half finished crochet projects, hundreds of coloured pencils , everything else, including things long since forgotten……one of these things where a pile of old Diaries of mine…..these were from years long ago, I flung them on my bed in temper , these were not what I needed, ….Coffee I decided!, I knew from long ago that if you just go and do something else, anything else, then come back later you may just find what your seeking…..I bought my coffee in ,sat on my bed, then sipped the hot comforting brew ,I began mindlessly thumbing through the well worn pages of the first diary.

it was a jade green silk fabric covered book about six inches tall nothing remarkable, it had in its time obviously been well made use of, it’s cracked back now broken with time, from my missive,a , I had obviously pushed back the covers to be able to fill each scrap of lined paper more fully, I had covered sections between my work with drawn Chinese open mouthed dragons , orchids, lilies, and of course the odd horse, there was stuck on pictures, stickers and doodles of matchstick people, I smiled as faint memories of doing this surfaced , I lay back against my pillows , pulled over a throw and began reading the poorly written words yesteryear ….these first pages were kind of sweet,fun,.. I was looking back on a childhood memory of a day at the beach, with my family , aunts ,uncles, the sounds of the sea against shingle, seagulls, laughter of playful children, smells of the sea , funfair, hotdogs, onions, and Ambre solaire sun lotion,And that wonderful butterfly feeling of excitement,

as I turned the pages, and the years though, the depth of my unhappiness really hit home, I felt imprisoned, stifled, lacking any kind of love and affection , like now I suffered a lot of pain ,illness and how I made it through was to this day beyond me, I can still remember longing to be held, heard, to feel the warmth of a hand holding mine, I really didn’t know any kind of affection what so ever, ..page after page of crying out for a soft word, touch or just someone to know I even existed , ….I felt enslaved with no one to care what I needed, And why should they, I no longer cared either….I flung down the little book in disgust, almost as if reading it had made the already grey sky outside Darker and more foreboding, what has been a chill earlier was now eating into my bones, I pulled my purple soft fleece throw up to my chin for warmth , almost like a protective armour from what threatened to drag me into its foggy blackness,

I sat there still , looking at the pile of small books , they made me feel uneasy, like the past was contaminating the cosy safeness of my room, I’m not sure how long I had sat there, unable to tear my eyes from the offending books, the green silk diary I had read from,now lay open, I could see the pen outline of an oriental lion, tongue out, wide eyes and scraggly mane, memory after memory flashed before my eyes, I could hear voices raised in anger, hatred, and even all these years later I wanted it gone, away from me , I had begun a new life, finding gradually the me, that back then I had longed to discover, ….I still don’t know who , what I am, my every decision made for me then, what clothes I wore , hairstyle, where I could or couldn’t go, food I ate, …..the books lay small upon the bed, yet I felt they enveloped every tiny space, blocked out the light, sucked air from the room……

picking them up carefully and as though they would poison me simply by touching them,, I carried them into the livingroom, … sat down in front of the log burning stove, the door whining, as I swung it open, ……there I paused for just a fleeting moment, I listened about me for sounds of familiarity,… I could hear the soft breathing of Jesse as he slept, it broke through the thick dark cloud that not only filled the rooms , but threatened to swallow me whole into its inky unforgiving nothingness………I clung like a limpet to that one piece of warmth, the sound I knew so well, familiar, deep rich warm and a salve to my tattered nerves……

it broke through enough , that without any more thought, without question, I began tearing out page after page, stopping only long enough to take a match, strike it and hold it to the first balled up crumpled piece of paper , it flickered, flashed and it’s light filled the darkness of the gaping mouth of the log burning stove, I watched the pages unfurl, become distorted, …..words filled with hurt, anger, pain and torment, that had mere moments ago bought a cloying blackness, now burned brightly, orange, gold, yellows danced before my eyes almost hypnotically, setting each word free , with spirals of rising smoke, cleansing and as it did it warmed the room, not only the room but me!, Yes all this hurt that had previously turned my blood to ice, now warmed my face, hands, and bought an almost cathartic comfort, ….book after book burnt, I would never have to look upon those deep days of pain again, I felt instantly relieved, and freed of the past , now I truly could turn the page and write my new story …….

i woke to what’ was the most beautiful Saturday morning, although it was still early,… after the three to four hours of somewhat fitful sleep I felt rested ..,But it’s at this exact moment ,though i had remembered something I had decided foolishly just that evening before, I needed to take a walk down to the local Lidl sighs ,. I was totally out of Rye bread ,plus I needed an anniversary card for a very special couple, ( My daughter and son in law…..I already know upon waking though ,my eyes still closed against the light, if it wasn’t for this card, or indeed the lure of a Rye sandwich later that day, I would stay put in the cozy confine,s of my home…..like a spoilt petulant child, I want to stomp my feet and say, “But I don’t wanna!!!!!” …..I don’t feel 100%,( but then do I ever,) i start the talk with myself…”there’s no such thing as a good day to do this”, tomorrow may not be any better or indeed could be far worse, you can do this, it.goes on until I admit defeat……shower, get ready, Keys, mask, wallet,phone… I force my sulky self out the front door.

it is indeed a glorious September day, warm, soft breeze , clouds a light fluffy grey no real threat of rain….as I walk, I look about me at the flowers in other people’s front gardens, mostly for distraction if I’m honest, And even though we are coming to the end of the gardening season, most front gardens are still in riotous colour….Bright red Geranium,s, massive heads of the blousy double begonia, the tall lofty column like golden sunflowers, heads bowed humbly and nodding in the breeze , roses past their best but still scented in the warm air, the last of the buddleia and the giant broad shiny leaves of the elephant ear plant, ground cover extraordinaire …..it saddens me that all this will very soon make way for the bare ground of winter, I’ve already made up my mind as I walk to bring in a couple of the pretty ivy leaved Geranium plants that have earnt their keep blooming all summer long, just to try to hold onto some of that outdoors feeling …

I reach the well hidden from view bench that sits in front of the local memorial, . plants surrounding it are looking decidedly shabby for some reason ,tired and wiltering, that is all except the pretty silver leaves of the Cineraria, which is holding it own ….I,m looking forward to getting my shopping done , crossing the extremely busy main road , before I head back , I sit a while on that very bench , it provides extremely important respite, to regain my composure and just breathe, there I watch cars from my hidden resting spot , people watching being hobby of mine, Each car pulls up to the traffic lights, stops, And without fail every couple sit either staring ahead or one normally has a phone in their hand, eyes glued….none are talking, … I have to admit i hate the way we have all become, relying heavily on a little screen for everything…..at this moment i feel a deep sadness wash over me,

, …..Will this happen to myself and Jesse eventually?, Will we lose our wonderful communication,? we talk about everything right now, we talk about talking for goodness sake lol, …I’ve watched couples shopping, or walking about , they barely make eye contact , grunting at one another is apparently the new English, few hold hands, less still even make eye contact…..

I reach the crossing before Lidl without much ado, already grateful my fellow waiting pedestrians, that had pressed the button to cross, so I didn’t wait around as long, I only needed a few bits of shopping , the bread, cards and a news paper….( Not for me you understand but my very fussy rabbit Cinnamon, who will not entertain anything other to line his room, ) he generously allows me the concession of doing the cross word first, he,s good like this……

I make my way down the bustling Saturday morning shoppers, over filled aisles, searching everywhere for my bread, it’s not to be found with the everyday wheat loaves of course, or in the exceptionally very limited wheatfree section ….I locate, the greeting cards straight away and although they are plain ,very simple in their appearance, not at all what i really would have liked for my loved one, I settle for two that I considered to be almost okish,,,, , found newspapers, managed to avoid the temptation of the vast, freshly baked cake section totally , the scents of its freshly cooked still warm pretzels, Cinnamon buns, and hot rolls alluring to say the least that hungry stomach,.I’m trying hard to convince myself that cake is evil , cake isn’t my friend …it was to be on my way out that I finally find that elusive Rye bread, ….I can now leave and make my way home.

I Do indeed stop off at the bench, spend a quiet spell sat in the warmth of autumnal sunshine, despite feeling worn , I’m glad I pushed myself, I’m also glad that I saw and passed the odd word with some of my fellow shoppers, ( it reminds me of that long lost art of socialising, I fear soon I will have to resort to Google if i,m not careful on the how to communicate lol) ….the sun warms my skin, I sit there in almost silent, meditative peace , the world goes on around me, I’m part of it , yet maybe not…..

On my way home, I nod to a couple, who are in the middle of cutting a large deep hole in their concrete drive, the sudden deafening noise brings me out of my stillness, ..I’m unsure quite what they are doing but my vivid imagination immediately kicks in and remind,s me of the Nordic noir from the night before, are they waiting till after dark to hide a carpeted filled object or three,?, No my mind chatter tells me, they don’t look the type, to suburban, settled, But then I ask myself what indeed is that type? ( I’ve decided I am watching far to much crime drama before bed, lol….I also smile and say good morning to the lady knelt before a large green glazed pot ,filling it deeply with bulbs ready for next spring…..as I walk on, a tiny flicker of a thought germinates in my fuzzy head. (talking of bulbs,that’s light bulbs though one goes on in my head) ….Maybe I can add a few embellishments to these otherwise plain and boring cards…….I try to remember, what I have in the way of Glue, pretty papers, cards and stick on gems, …..I conclude as I turn my corner and with that instant relief on seeing my cozy home I do indeed have enough………

I absent mindedly flick the kettle switch as I pass, I need coffee, lots of coffee , I need that caffeine kick if I’m going to create, I put away my meagre shop, talking to a now sleepy Jesse , Cinnamon bun whose ignoring me because he hates me going out , even for a few minutes or so, ( But he has no choice he will listen to me) And I will talk, as I’m won’t to do ….and very often….I take my coffee into my bedroom, it’s my room of preference see,there I pull back the heavy green check curtains and look out into my sun filled tiny corner garden, birds await feeding, butterflies flutter gently about the few left soft lilac coloured brack, s of musky scented buddleia , a huge bee rests contentedly in the sun, alls well, and I sigh I have coffee, I can see Jesse by now sleeping, and what’s more I’m home once more……

I find my headphones , And while the mood is upon me, I start to gather up all I will need to transform my two cards from their scruffy Cinderella form, to something fit for the ball, I pull open cupboards, draws, and boxes, find treasure like glitter, gems, papers of every pattern and colour, card I’ve saved, pens, dumping it all upon my earlier made bed, I sit in the middle of it all, with the melodic notes of Aretha Franklin ( A natural woman) playing through my headphones …..now where to begin.?..

ideas flood and pass through my head…why does this always seem a good idea in the planning mode, so simple……, My daughter makes beautiful cards, I’ve a friend Theo who also has this wonderful talent……I on the other hand am one of those who over guilds the lily at every opportunity . If something calls for a stick on gem, I cover every available inch, if you need to cut out a pattern , I go my own way and snip bits off your not really supposed to, I embellish with flourish, more is so much more …..if I had been Cinderella,s fairy godmother she would have looked somewhat akin, to a drag queen crossed with a hooker…I’m good at this….lol

But as I sip my coffee , sing along to the music , silence the ever growing need to shower my cards with glitter,.. ideas finally come……I sit crossed legged like a five year old at infant school, scissors flashing fast, cutting shapes ,ribbon, cards, I’m a card design demon, ……..things fly about in my ever eagerness to create, in my head i am seeing a wondrous make over , one my daughter will Coo over and extolling my creativeness to the whole world……..in truth this could get ugly……

And sure enough it soon does, the simple design I have chosen after much thought and deliberation , in order to complete this mission,…. seems not quite as easy as first planned……the shapes I try so hard to cut out following the drawn lines with care, just don’t want to Co operate, the glue is sticking everything but what it’s supposed too, I’ve clump,s of paper stuck to my bed, my leg, cup, and what is that fluttering out the corner of my eye!!!!!!?, it’s red and damned irritating, …….turns out to be a tiny piece of bright red ribbon that somehow I’ve managed to stick unwittingly to an eyelash, (I’ve no idea how though)it flutters each time I blink like some weird extended false eyelash thing, …….by the time I have finished this project, I hate the sight of the card, the glittery trapping,s that are now all over my once clean bedroom…..I shove the maybe still not dry card into its envelope, put back on my shoes , and post both the cards quickly before I can change my mind about the whole blooming thing…….just feel sorry for my poor daughter upon opening these offerings, she has no clue what awaits within, Happy anniversary Beck n Gary I do despite the cards love you both, take care out there all 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

You would think from someone who has cooked regular for over forty years, a three ingredient recipe would be the simplest thing in the world to do well right!!!!!!!!, Hahaha, that is until you get to know me….it had been a long and quite stressful day , I was tired, my back ached in every possible way …..Perfect night to try out a new recipe…notttttt?😁,

I gathered up the three main ingredients needed in preparation to begin ( well there is only three) , plus my usual couple of twists, I like to add to make any recipe mine of course…….in this case Cinnamon, dates and almond extract, first part of said recipe required smooshing five ripe bananas( ermmmm mine are not quite ripe) , Smooshing is a term used by any good cook yah know lol, … so not having an electric whisk or any other kind of machine to pulverize my bananas , I use what I have to hand……A potato masher….what????😁, It’s perfectly logical to such as i…..in the past I have been known to put fruit in a plastic bag and try walking on it……..(.do not even be tempted do this!!!!!!, It went up the sides of my shoes, trousers, on or is that in the carpet, flying across the room on to the walls ,ceiling and curtains , I had successfully decorated my entire kitchen but had now no fruit left ) …..

any way back to thing at hand……grasping my masher tightly in my hot little hand, I brandish it at the first peeled banana, I mash that thing to a pulp, it is now almost liquid in form, And I’m ready to set about the next one, I bring down my masher onto, the unsuspecting fruit and as I do I hear a sharp crack, no not only a crack, actually a loud snap……I have managed to snap my masher in half, ….the banana is laying there taunting me, I swear it’s laughing,…

how can something so soft in texture, break a solid thing like a masher? , well it can if I,m using it…..( I can do anything me) …..so masher broken , still five bananas left to go, I’m by now more determined than ever, it’s not winning, I will smoosh these fruit,s if it’s the last thing I do ( it may well be)…….I use the head of the masher and in a fit of rage I savagely go about pulping the four surviving fruits……I won, they were defeated…And my hand is now sore from the broken end of the masher sticking into the palm…….but I did it

Next is the flour, I used a wheatfree self raising flour, the recipe calls for 2 and 1/2 cups, getting out my different coloured measuring cups , I thrust the largest, a pink sturdy cup into my flour packet, plumes of flour leave the packet and I hear a crack, then stare in disbelief at the handle, still in my hand, the cup part in the bag…..surely I’m not that strong I think ?, But it happened , and I’m left using the cup as it is……I muddle through, completing the mixture, once the ingredients where combined it looked very like a cake mix, smelt devine, …..

the recipe call,s for putting the slow cooker on high for two hours, Great we can put it on , safely go away to watch some of our latest Nordic noir…….we get comfy synchronise our timers and wait excitedly for our prize , lovely fresh home baked banana bread, Jesse snoozes contentedly away in his chair, while he rests I clean my kitchen, put away my pots and pans, then sit in anticipation………before long Alexa at Jesse’s house is booming out that await is finally up……he wakes and goes to check the bread, I hear an excited ewwwww Honey it’s huge…….😮, I presume we are still talking banana bread here, And finally I am tempted off my resting place to check it out…….

I hold my breath, grab a cloth to protect my hand from the steam as I lift the lid, but oddly there is no steam……not only that, my what should be a lovely golden brown well baked banana bread…..is raw liquid flour ,banana, carnation milk goo……it’s just a slightly warmed up mixture, …..the red light is on at the side of the slow cooker, it’s on high as instructed, but nothing!!!!!!!, Nothing has happened, I’m dumbfounded, but shut down the lid , go away for another hour. Maybe mine just needs longer?…….I watch more of our series ,while Jesse mmmmm,s and arrrrrrrr,s happily over his first slice of perfect bread……an hour later I get up ,check slow cooker and still i,m greeted with raw milky liquid, ….again I go away ,wait yet another hour, doubling the recipes time by now…….go back annnnnd you’ve guessed it, still no further on……I angrily twist the silver dial to low……go away thinking this is never going to cook…..I leave it for yet another hour, then creep out to the kitchen , by doing so hoping if it doesn’t know I’m there, it will have cooked………And by jingo ….it only had…..there it was a gorgeous perfect oval thick golden banana bread…….I sighed with relief and called through to Jesse ” it’s done” ……as I sit eating my warm glorious slice of goodness …….I realise since I’ve had my little slow cooker, that I affectionately call Colin, don’t ask lol (but that night he was called many other names though) I have never used the high setting, low till then cooking it fast enough for me……that was when reality dawned , I have the only slow cooker, whose low setting is actually the high and visa versa…..it indeed could only be something of mine…..😁…….ingredients for slow cooker Banana bread

5 well ripened bananas……..2 and 1/2 measuring cups of self raising flour…..one tin of evaporated milk…….cook for two hours on high, orrrrrr in my case five hours at who the devil knows …..be careful out there folks 💗

Monday…..🌸, I woke up after a restless night of a somewhat strange internal alarm clock that rudely goes off on the hour every single hour, …. Although I never fret about this any more ,it is however tiring…., I lay here and just feed my latest addiction for Nordic noir tv, ( something about these truely dark hour long episodes that keep me hooked more than anything I’ve seen in a long time, maybe it’s something to do with its glorious rugged landscapes …equally tough but somewhat flawed characters or just maybe those never ending keeping you on the edge of your seat twists and turns of the plots, but whatever it is it holds my concentration, fires the imagination and I’m not too proud to say I’m very addicted…..

Even though I’m awake, (well the light flooding through my half closed eyes tells me so anyhow) I’m still sleepy and ach….., I long for all the world to nestle back down in my fleece blanket nest, maybe listen to an hour of my audio book and drift away , ….but it is indeed a Monday morning and i just on the spare of the moment, I had arranged for a friend to come, pick me up and go shopping together, As you may or may not remember ,I’ve been strict with my food shop over the last few weeks, instead of on that whim just ordering ……I now think long and hard about what I actually need, I allow one shop per week, and whittle that down to a bare minimum…….this includes everything I need to feed myself and my Rabbit Cinnamon, …..I write out lists upon lists, scrub and add items over and over, ( this same list which I invariably,….. ok always leave behind as I walk out the door lol) but just the mere act of jotting it down the night before, seems to somehow keep it memorized in my otherwise brain fogged head……..I eventually rise from my bed, my sore back already shoots a pain through it to my side ( just a quick reminder it’s not going to let me have it easy as if that’s needed …..I do the inevitable sound effects that are part of my aging bodies routine now , the same reminder that tells me I must behave semi responsible, adult ( eventually like it or blooming not we all do have to wake up to realisation were grown ups, I hate it!!!!! , arghhhhh……

I have a swift three minute shower( no more no less) the water being it’s usual contrary self, alternating between really hot and Brrrrrrrr goose bumps on my goose bumps cold !, I sing whatever earworm is my latest( song in your head) loud enough to not only finish waking myself up, but everyone in any nearby county, Latest song bad habit Ed sheeran, least there’s a little comfort in the fact, I do actually like this song lol). Nothing worse than an earworm you hate….

I’ve fed Cinnamon, get my Garden birds hunger satisfied I’m off to an okish start of the day , I make a very much needed coffee, it’s already well passed coffee o’clock in my time clock , Sun’s over the yards arm or whatever that saying is…..( Yes I know that’s about alcohol, I’ve not quite been driven to this point as of yet!) …….I love that first mouthful of steaming hot coffee ” don’t you”?, No other drop tastes like that the rest of the day……I slurp it slowly with enormous satisfaction, ( this is a time it’s good to have a moment to yourself, just to enjoy and breathe ) ….I get dressed , my makeup on , all the time in my head i,m longing to cry off, …I’m tired, I hurt, I’ve a mouthful of crater like ulcers, that for some reason are like magnets for the tongue, a sore lump under my right breastical that gets made even more painful by that old fashioned torture garment ( The bra!) …..it would be so simple to lay back down, rest my head and sleep, …..but I don’t , stubbornly I keep myself busy … It’s at this point I hear from my friend it’s definitely on( shopping)……And I am in for a treat, we are going to the Range( I’ve never been to one before so keep my mind open, in truth I’ve no idea what to expect ,can’t be that bad right!!!!?. ( thank goodness I didn’t know before is all I can say lol

But before I go out , I must release MR B…..( Who is just that,.?…. a bee yeah I know my imagination know no bounds lol) .. Story goes,,,the day before….I had put out some very long Voile curtains from my bedroom, upon the line( that needed washed before Autumn set in,) Somehow , to this day I will never know how though, . A tiny drone bee had managed to get trapped in one of its many folds, thank goodness they are light weight curtain,s ……I thought I had released him earlier that day, but at around seven that evening, there he was, in all his glorious fluffy black and yellowness, his tiny legs trapped and splayed, it became obvious to me fast that He was… 1… to weak to fly off,…. 2… his legs were not right, …..I picked up my tiny curtain captive , he showed no aggression, no fear , just sitting in my palm, …..I gently put him on a lobelia plant,there he set to work straight away, long curled tongue into the centre of each tiny white flower, he didn’t make any attempt at flight , between the flowers, he just crawled in an awkward fashion, …I knew within an instant I had to shelter Mr B. Over night, it was getting dark , chilly , he would not survive……..I went in found a tub, filled it with flowers and once again no struggling, picked up the exhausted little Bee, He spent the night in my conservatory, no lid on his pot, just tucked up under a pink Carnation head,.. ……And it was with huge joy and somewhat relief, I saw him crawling over his flowers next day, I waited till around 11am , when it was beginning to warm up, no wind so to speak,,,i held my breath , put a tentative finger in the pot, which he promptly clambered up on and there I proudly released my tiny house guest into a clump of lobelia heads, he drank hungrily for a few seconds only, then just suddenly took to the morning sky and I sighed happily, I had helped him on his way…..I was so moved as took to air and he soared…..

I had gulped my coffee , grabbed my bag just in time ,there was Debbie standing looking wonderfully bright and breezy at my door, I am feeling like I should be used as Halloween decor on the front porch ……I did my best to put on the show ( the smile I use like others use a favourite jumper to go out with…..deep down i,m uncomfortable, I have this bone grating sensation in the small of my back , but you would never tell, I’m a master actor, deserve an Oscar at times …..now there’s a thought lol, ….we chatted brightly about our gardens, the odd weather we are having and life’s many great mysteries…..

when we arrived at “the Range”, ……why didn’t any of you tell me about this? it’s like walking around the lake district without the beautiful views, it’s massive in there , ……Don’t get me wrong there’s a plethora of shiny , glittery things that scream at me on every turn of an aisle, I’m like a child at Christmas day, ..it’ even had a massive light up big Ben ewwww, I need one of these, straight away pops into my head…….I swiftly kick my aching ankle ” no Treez, bad woman” …….this happens the further on I walk, …..there’s huge fluffy fleeces , Sequined cushions, light up pictures of snow covered Christmas scenes……..hang onnnnnnnnn! Back space, back space , there’s do what now?, ….did I just seeeeee?????, to late I did! There is Christmas everywhere……I decide the only sensible thing to do is grab what I need and run for the hills …..Debbie has got lost somewhere deep in the undergrowth ,And I’m afraid I will never see her again, … I wonder fleetingly should I call out a team of mountain rescue guys, but decide this may not be wise , they would only come back with a sequin cushion or two each, a Christmas Dinosaur( I kid yea not) or pink fluffy bathrobe,s with matching mules… , ……..I settle for one or two items, look up from the shelves containing endless choice of rabbit treats , to see with horror I’ve no clue where I am or indeed where the entrance had got itself too, ……….if only I had crumbled up some Gluten free bread to find my way backkkkk.!…….after ten minutes I spot a landmark I recognised , the light up Big Ben!!! Yay I’ve found it!!!!!……I pay for my thing,s ,hurry out the doors just in case like on a scene from Harry Potter films, they move and I’m stuck here forever , forced to hunt down my own food or relieve myself behind a twinkling Christmas tree……..

when Debbie finally comes out loaded with her many bags , she finds me sat upon a very useful pile of child’s play sand, it made a comfy perch to wait , I didn’t worry about the odd stares I got from a passing few, which only increased rapidly when my love who, as you know is on video chat 24 /7 began talking suddenly, they must have thought I had one very deep masculine voice , many did a double take…..lol….we did our shopping in Morrison’s.had coffee and made our way home……by then my back had only just held up, ….I put away my items, And realise I’ve no Rye bread, ( none in stock at the shop) ….so sitting down still is just a pipe dream, .I set to making my daily bread , it came out rather rough looking sometime later that afternoon, but actually with a lump of cheese and some sauerkraut tasted damn good, ( either that or I was just really hungry……in the evening myself and Jesse decided to make banana bread , some strange face book recipe that I wasn’t convinced would actually work, but thereby my lovelies hangs a somewhat weird tale I must write you about ……..take care of you as always

Hate to say this, but I’m actually having a ball with this austerity kick, ( I know what your thinking how can doing without so many of life’s little luxuries be even remotely fun) …well In an odd way, I feel almost like i,m bucking the trend, I’m going my own way again, ( again, as in this according to my siblings, this is a typical Treezism) …we are every day bombarded with information, products, things we are often lead to believe we simply can’t live without, ….take the chief source of this, Adverts, …adverts on your tv for example, …your just sat in your own home , scratching things in private, ( oh is that just me 😉) watching that really good series, right at a crucial part, ( biting your nails, on the edge of your seat, your clenching every muscle you have, others you by now have just discovered, actually existed, not visited the bathroom for fear you,’ll miss that bit you’ve looked forward to all week, Annnnd that’s where an annoying jingly blooming advert for some pile cream or tooth paste comes along , ( never confuse these products by the way) it,s just not funny for either end….

Now I didn’t ask for this information, I’m a big girl ( bigger still if I buy the cream filled donuts, icecream, some burger or another being shoved down my throat by a menacing looking maniacal clown with XXL feets, ewwww lucky Mrs M). I can indeed make up my own mind though, what brand of detergent, deodorant or Cake I want, ( believe me when it comes to cake I know exactly what I want, and where to find it in every shop) ….but that’s not what this is all about, I’m enjoying the researching, making something last that bit longer, less waste, less money leaving my account, even just being inventive,

While listening to an audio book for instance, ( free with adverts lol sighs) I discovered that by adding just a cap of bleach to a bowl of cold water, leaving your washing in soak, in it for approximately three hours or so, giving it a bit of an agitate once in a while, before rinsing in a bowl of fresh water , is all it really takes to get your clothes clean.( Shocking right)…hang them on the line and before you know it summer fresh laundry( saving on detergent, conditioner, scented bead things, disinfectant rinse, and everything else you can think of) shocking isn’t it…, …..Now please don’t do what your pal here did, . Picture this scene , Full bowl of cold water, my dark wash in, then add the bleach to bowl( yes you know I did) ……nope nope nope, I now have a fetching yellow ochre coloured stripe down my khaki green shirt…….( Now for me I’m actually not too upset by this, I’m going to finish the job and get myself a new tie dye tee shirt, it was looking a bit aged anyhow) …..but please add the bleach ,stir before adding your clothes, and only a small capful,. Not splosh it in Willy nilly while making yourself coffee……

Also another word to the wise, while making your lunch of things you have in the back of your food cupboards, fridge etc, although filling a wrap with cut up bacon, sliced tin potatoes, home grown cherry tomatoes, shallot onion, herbs ,(slice of fast going hard cheese,that you can now crumble, instead of slice ) taste,s really delicious, … your t shirt doesn’t necessarily what to try it too, those wraps are not made for hot food, this I found out yesterday , ( but on the up side I discovered what boobs are actually for folks, they are for catching molten exploding cherry tomatoes, mayonnaise and melting cheese strings…..my shirt looking like I had just done myself or someone else a world of damage……..yes my imagination is fired with fresh ideas for saving my purse from the poor house…..I’m turning off lights, unplugging things that I had forgotten I had plugged for the first time in months, writing out shopping lists for that once weekly shop….who knew being a consumer rebel could be such fun, I even folded the toothpaste tube up and made it last a whole week more , I squeezed that devil dry folks……Again any ideas would be welcomed and you know I will try it out, keep watching for hour,s of mischief , until next time take care of you folks 💗💗💗💗💗💗,

Back some months ago, I wrote about how I would like to live a far simpler easier lifestyle,.. by which I meant cutting back on the spending I do….most of its emotional spending, from the sheer loneliness of complete isolation, sadness from missing my children, the heartache of not being with the man I love and all that goes with that, then mix this with complete utter boredom, this is as Jesse says often , when youve have yourselves that perfect storm…..half of what I was spending on wasn’t even for me !!!!! it made me feel better about not being close by those i love, so it comforted me to buy them little things, most of which I guess if I’m honest they don’t need or want really( it was all about making me feel better.

I tried as I have said( once previously) and pretty much discovered something about myself from the off ( I was indeed somewhat terrible at it) ok let’s put it out there, I was darn right miserable at cutting back…, I made excuse upon excuse, …I need shopping , ewwwww that’s on offer, Amazon has a sale, someone in the next county said they needed something, And there I was before they finished the sentence, my itchy swiping finger on the pulse at the ready , tablet charged and I’m on Amazon quicker than speeding bullet , ( I’m not joking about the next county bit either it happened lol) …for a few seconds I had that instant gratification, I felt a tingle of excitement , a rush . But it didn’t last of course , minutes later I was back to being bored or whatever emotion I felt at that time.

Before coming on here though, I road tested it out for a while( privately), taking this new found project out for a trail run( before I made an idiot of myself again lol) And this time by gritting of my teeth , ( gnashing them more like lol) …it’s working, I bought my last things on Amazon well over a week ago, they are things I actually needed for my rabbit Cinnamon, And that’s it….I hadn’t food shopped in well over a week , spent any money in general come to that ……this you may be surprised at, but just try it?, It’s a lot harder than one may think, many times I’ve caught myself just in time …And virtually everything costs something …we go back in time and even going to the bathroom cost,s ..brings back memories of spending a penny( it’s an age old Brit thing folk,s, , we used to have slots in our public toilet doors ,you put a penny in to open the door) …..but seriously while sat in the bathroom (ahem) it dawned on me every time I flush, . I am indeed flushing money down the pan….lol

so I began looking round my home with fresh eyes , where else could I cut back… , straight away I noticed a large pack of kitchen wipes. I use wipes for everything, floor wipes,

, widow wipes, bathroom wipes,kitchen wipes ….bottom wipes…yes I was queen of the wipes my friends, then there was my disinfectant fetish, I had Dettol, bleach, Zoflora , disinfectant wipes, ( back to the wipes) I had sanitizer for all occasions, ….we have Germ killing sprays, room scented sprays( what do rooms smell like anyway? ) well chemical,s by the time I had finished, ….I have three different scented washing detergent liquids, ….my house is a pot pourri of chemicalness, I was disappointed in myself instantly, when I bundled this lot altogether,

And it’s not as if im under the influence folks( that being tv adverts by the way not alcohol 🍸) I don’t even watch live Tv, just netflix, prime etc, but then hang on there is that thing with product placement isn’t there !, Sighs, I’ve decided I’m using up all these products I’ve amassed until they run out….then it’s down to cloths instead of wipes, two or three products, like good ole white vinegar , bleach, to replace my cacophony of scents and uses, cutting back on doing laundry daily , turning off lights, buying only the food I need, not the amount I have done up until now,

it’s shocking learning just how wasteful you get ,without even seeing yourself going down this route, I’m looking out for tips and help folks, if you have any please feel free to share , it’s all much appreciated , take care of yourselves and watch out for those add,s , they are going suck you in lol ……😁💗💗