It has been some weeks now since I was able to be still in body, mind or even spirit to think remotely clear enough, let alone actually string full sentences together for to Blog…As you may or may not recall, (some of us, me mainly struggle to remember our names these days)but back in early January, I was given my notice, to quit my rented accommodation,. I had lived there quite peacefully and happily for some 18 months,loving it being tucked away from view, the tiny bungalow had indeed really suited me well, with its small private courtyard garden idle, … So when it came to leaving neither, I or my friends could possibly begin to know or understand just how hard it was going to be to find another rental home…

I had listed with countless estate agents, joined online housing sites, And was indeed most grateful to my friends from around the world who generously gave up time to join in with our endless search,(they are all now much more better acquainted with the British rental market, than they could want or need to be. Each Bing of a notification sound for an email, bought with it not only fresh hope, but indeed more often than not disappointment, . Mentally my mood hit a downward spiral, I would kilter off into blackness for long periods of time,cutting myself off from humanity, fear keeping me awake most nights,..scared of being homeless, no place to call mine, not even short term,

As I packed each box then stacked it carefully in any available corner, out of the harms way, (and believe me there were not many spare corners to be had in the small three room bungalow)the fear only intensified, I know all too well, moving is indeed one of the most stressful things that we will all need to do at some point in our lives, but I’ve done it five times in as many year’s now,. Each time has been alone,harder than previously .. I also Suffer from an inherited illness called EDs (Ehlers Danlos) syndrome, which means pain is a huge factor, along with its many other little peculiarities…And although I do have a very high pain threshold, it still became immensely frustrating at times when my mind wanted to achieve certain things for that day, And my body broke down and refused flatly to work with me😁…Still pack I did, this had a two pronged effect, one was while I pushed myself ever onward, I could not sit under my thoughts, of any day now becoming homeless, the other was physical and mental exhaustion…

Each morning after a shower and coffee, I wrapped the worst affected parts of my body in wide bands of brightly coloured kinetic tape, it’s a god send it really is, Preventing me from over stretching joints, thus subluxing, causing yet more pain, each day more of me became covered, therefore every night there was much fun to be had, pulling off the now stuck fast tape, sometimes areas of my skin went along with it…just to add to the fun and frivolity,there were lines of now very sticky black adhesive residue left in its wake, which meant everything I didn’t want, stuck to me, .Apart from hours of fun picking this off, nothing including showering would make it be gone…..it looked a mess…I looked and felt an even bigger mess

I received still more daily emails, with yet more unsuitable properties, most just not right for someone with my disability needs, others right but either too large,too small, steep stairwells, only one bathroom upstairs, one advertised without a bathroom😲…not one would allow me to take my companion Rabbit Cinnamon…I became ever more fractious as moving out day approached far too rapidly for my liking, …I pictured myself cold and huddled up someplace alone and scared sleeping rough in shop doorways, hiding away from staring eyes, trying to stay warm on freezing nights…I grew ever more withdrawn, hiding my panic from Jesse and those I cared for…longing to go out, escape the confines of the ever suffocating walls piled high with boxes, yet terrified to venture out just in case I became locked out by my landlady while doing so, ….

I hated having the mess about me, being a type clean person at heart, I tried in vain to keep it as ordered as I possibly could,..all the while living out of boxes, bags amongst disarray… Beyond tired, but in order to sleep one has to feel at least some sense of calm, peace, and I felt neither..I wanted to lose myself in creating, art, music, but again one needs to be grounded, at peace, not so far up in the air that I was touching the clouds, besides I had packed away my art things long ago….

One morning at the end of March, I had at last a reply in response to one of the many properties I had put in applications for, it was a tiny one bed ground floor flat…nothing remarkable from its pictures, but I was going to go look it over that Wednesday…My friend Debbie was busy, so I had to book a cab,and this always adds to my anxiety,…but time was now a factor, we were running out of it … ..I need not have worried though, my cab driver was brilliant, chatty and kept up the conversation the whole drive,,(some thirty minutes each way),When we arrived he also bless his heart came in and looked about the flat with me, asking all the questions I knew that i should have,only now due to nerves, they escaped me…. I knew now I would have been lost without that extra support…..

If only I could have known then, (this indeed was to be the easy part), it turns out I would be in need of a guarantor. Someone to not only make sure I stick to my rental agreement, but agree to pay it if I should renege on my responsibility, …who does one ask ?, It’s a huge thing to ask of anyone…this taken care of, Came the endless paperwork, small forests, a gallon of ink needed, emails, phone calls back and fourth to offices, this all took over a month, all I could do after was sit on the edge of my chair and wait for the outcome…..

update……

On Wednesday the 13th of April I moved into the small flat, my removal guys arriving at 9am, .Once again I hadn’t slept, but I was at least now ready, the guys were amazing, making it as painless as they could, while I sat, feeling a hindrance, a burden …..they worked fast and with well ordered flow, it’s amazing to watch…box after box, bag, sofa, chest of drawers, one by one my things left, the friendly little home, suddenly became hushed, silenced, still and empty, Debbie was there bright and cheerful, chatting away as she does, this was good as by now I was going into something akin to shock….I was closing down rapidly, Exhaustion robbing me of clear thought…that an the pain meds will do this ….

At 10 am i looked about me as I turned to shut the door, it had only felt five minutes since I had moved in….made it a home,.now it stood empty, cold and hollow, I gave it one more sad look, pulling the door too behind me, i left………We arrived at the flat half an hour later, Debbie, the removal guys, and myself, ..They worked around me in a well ordered flow, …my contribution was,( I had nearly managed to stay sane)….although some may say even this was questionable…Debbie left just after to get a key cut, I felt instantly unnerved without her jovial presence, The guys by now struggling to get through the front doorway with my large red sofa….these guys are amazing folks, And if they couldn’t get it to budge, then no one could I’m convinced.

The big red sofa

They looked apologetically at me as they explained, electric drill in hand, they would have to remove its feet….😲, I watched on fascinated as they worked together tirelessly, trying again after removing the sofas wooden feet, …But it wasn’t to be, I had visions of my oversized big red sofa having to live like some kind of friends extra, abandoned outside, and it by now was beginning to rain( typical)…..but they didn’t quit….next off came the front door😲, this wasn’t optimal, but again necessary…..door off, legs off, And some juggling about, at last in came big red…. we all sighed with relief, and laughed somewhat nervously….

They then not only rehung the front door, but actually didn’t let up until the previous little quirk it had which meant you had to virtually pull off the door handle to lock it, now worked perfectly….they plumbed in the washing machine, put up my bed…organised the boxes, these guys were amazing and I could not have asked for better….As they left through the now perfectly working front door, they wished me well in my new home, There it was, all done and i suddenly felt very lonely, I flopped on the sofa, looking around at what was now to be my house,. Jesse who had been up all the previous night with me, Now fallen into an exhausted deep sleep, I wanted for all the world to do likewise…..but I felt out of sorts, off kilter, this didn’t feel like home, it felt cold, stark, it wasn’t the bungalow, my living room, it all felt strange, I felt stranger…..

So I began the long task of emptying out the boxes one by one, I needed a focus, those same boxes I had just days previous sealed with endless amounts of packing tape, at least twice as the tape came unstuck…..only now I couldn’t get it to open no matter what I tried…alone tears never far, stung and pricked my eyes, …I longed for a friendly voice, the feel of another human being working alongside of me….but here I was the rooms bare cold and unwelcoming, I pulled the only source of comfort I had to hand…my big fluffy fleece blanket tight up around my shoulders, lay down on big red and wept, tears of real tiredness, emotional and heartfelt, I gave into this need, not ashamed at what normally I would have seen as a weakness, today I was just letting all the weeks of pain and tension run free, today was a day for that, And I didn’t care …. Take care of you folks 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐕💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐕🐕🐕💛🐕💛💛💛💛💛x

Monday……

All the previous weekend, I had sat on eggshells (not literally of course😀) but I had been nervously excited at looking at yet another example of rental housing. Yay!!!!!!!! The more the weeks have dwindled away, I grow more weary, somewhat disillusioned, with the whole renting system. I look at picture upon picture of beautiful homes, most way out my price range, others: student lets. Then there’s those with too many bedrooms, not enough bathrooms😮, (no that is a thing really). When I get all these things slotted together, it seems there’s at least ten other applicants all of which also need these requirements. Who knew bathrooms are a luxury!

There’s not only me searching for this special house either, there’s Debbie, my daughter, Jesse… all doing what they can to help. Plus I’m down with every estate agent for miles around. I know there’s some of us who actually enjoy looking at houses (my sister and her husband did this for amusement most weekends 🤔) but to me it’s a nightmare. I have to get my mind into the right frame, then there’s the peopling to be done, going out, talking on phones, emails, questions, getting up an hour after finally falling asleep. And for what… to be told I don’t match their criteria, or them mine? It’s exhausting. Each disappointment brings me lower. Even taking all this out of the equation, there’s the costs.

Monday’s house for instance… it’s the right number of bedrooms, √; has a living room, √; kitchen, √; even a bathroom! 😮 (I know!)… a nice little garden and they would consider taking Cinnamon Rabbit. I could not believe my luck. At long, long last, I thought finally things are going our way. I went with an open mind as advised. This was to be mine and Cinnamon’s new start, our little comfy home. So the adventure began. When we did eventually locate the house it was tucked well away from the others, out of sight. This had involved phone calls from America to the letting agent (that must have caused some amusement), searching of maps (not my strongest point), trekking up one street and down another, trying to find a bright red door. Should be easy, right?😁 Also we were informed there will be a large Jeep stuck outside. The two of us were looking about aimlessly, me with no sense of direction at all. Jesse suggested at one point I might leave a trail of bread crumbs in case I became lost. That, or maybe a rope attached to Debbie’s bumper. 😁 When we did eventually spot the red beacon of a door, the Jeep, followed finally by the ever elusive house number, we were greeted by a very smart, smiling estate agent.

Take into account what I had said in the beginning about an open minds and all that. Well it was surely needed that day! As we stepped over the threshold, I felt I had been carried back in time to the 70s. The were walls of deepest purple and lilac. And just to off set this charming decor, imagine if you will here, bright tangerine-dream orange doors! (No, I’m being serious!!!)😯 I then had to get to wondering about the whole bank of mirrors up in the sitting room wall. (Suppose it could have been worse, least it wasn’t the ceiling.) I ran past the offending mirror wall, as though the ghost of 70’s past was chasing me, straight out into the tiny garden, which, I have to admit, was quite sweet. It did mollify my already jangled nerves at seeing my rear end flash past, even if fleetingly.

Best for last……

But this was just the start of things to come. I could barely wait. With somewhat bated breath, we all walked apprehensively up the stairs, Debbie hanging back by now, wide eyed scanning about her for fluffy dice, prints of big eyed children or clown dolls. But, oh boy, was we in for a treat!! I, for one, couldn’t help but feel my eyes drawn, as I went up the last stair… There in all its purple glory was an Aubergine bathroom suite! 😮😮😮😮 You couldn’t peel your eyes away! We both stood open mouthed, trying to find some words, any words (there were none). What can one say (there was silence.) More orange wood surrounds were, it seemed, an accent feature. Plus, green, red, and yellow. I felt like I had just walked through a spinning kaleidoscope. Colours flashed before my eyes. I turned to see a fast retreating Debbie… she was making good her escape before we were captured forever in a 70s Vortex.

We assured the Agent we would be in touch, or is that be touched? Who knows! But this was just the tip of the upcoming iceberg. Friday, I went to see yet another house, again, from its pictures, I felt this had to be the one for me, surely. Actually, though, if I’m to be absolutely honest, I had felt, if anything, it was too good for me. We had been panic-stricken on arrival Traffic made us a few minutes later than we would have liked. Parking was not only haphazard, but horrendous. It’s Friday afternoon, everyone wanting to get home and start enjoying their weekend. When we did eventually find the road we needed to be on, it was all one way systems. Finally there was only time for Deb to chuck me out the barely stopped car. Everywhere is double yellow lines, jay-walking students, eyes firmly fixed upon phone screens just merrily walking across in front of you. Then there’s the cars trying to parallel park for the sixth time. I’m greeted by an immaculately turned out Jack the Estate Agent standing in the open doorway, clip board in one hand, phone in the other. Quick introductions done, we then entered the house, and from there it all went down hill very quickly. The first room, which I can only presume to be a sitting room, had a very large unmade double bed in the middle of it. We skirt around it… clothes, soggy towels were filed everywhere upon the floor. This was to be just the start of things to come. Each room held its own box of delights. I could tell Jack was becoming fast embarrassed. He said somewhat quietly that the young couple had children!, Okayyyy, I know you have to make allowances with little ones, and I’m certainly no Suzy homemaker, but still I try. It saddened me as we went from room to room. It was obvious even to my untrained eye that the occupants had lost heart, probably also passing from one rental to another… no roots and unable to become attached to anywhere long enough to make it a cozy family home.

I looked it over, trying hard to see myself there in weeks to come, my things about me, making it feel warm and lived in, loved even. But as I tried to go up the very steep impractical stairs, I became worried. The treads were narrow, hard for your feet to take purchase, dangerous even. There was nowhere to hold onto the further up you went. I, at one point, was actually on my hands and knees and, if I’m honest, scared of falling backwards onto Jack climbing up behind me. The upstairs was no cleaner than the previous rooms. I couldn’t wait to escape the confined feel. I just wanted to run home. And that’s when things hit me square in the face: where is home now? I really don’t have one. I’m, in effect, homeless! With a sinking heart, I quickly looked at the tiny sad, neglected back garden, the shed door hanging open on its broken hinges, metal barred window had had all its glass smashed. I felt depressed and sad, as sad as this once beautiful home must feel.

Debbie had been spared this occasion, thank goodness, and as I stood outside once again, in the fresh cool air I heard a friendly voice call my name. Debbie had just pulled up long enough for me to get into the car. I wanted to go home, wanted to hide. Debbie can sense something isn’t right. After I take a deep breath, I tell her. She incensed, angry and as tired of the whole thing as I am. She wanted to phone and complain. I just feel the need to be alone, lock the doors, pull the curtains and hide. We travel back through the busy grid locked evening roads. I pretend to look about me but i’m seeing nothing. I barely take in the chatter Debbie is trying hard to keep up alone. We eventually arrive back. I shoot out the car, swiftly saying thank you and goodbye. I fumble the key in the lock, walk into my fresh clean, sun-filled home, fall onto the big red squishy comfy sofa, and sit… my head swimming with thought. I make a phone call I hat but my choices are few and I need to do what’s best for one of us. Cinnie will always take precedence over my needs… always! I call my daughter.

I choke back tears and ask her if she will look after him. If I’m homeless that’s one thing. He wouldn’t survive. We talk it over, my mind’s eased slightly, as I know he has a roof over his dear little head. I can’t stand the thought of separation; he is not and never will be just a rabbit… he’s my companion. He makes this a home. We are family. I’m used to his loud thumps of disapproval each night I go to bed, the eye that watches me go out the door, then the back that’s turned to me as I come home. We coexist in an imperfect perfect relationship and, all at once, I’m not only homeless but really alone. Anger, hurt and fear visit me one by one. That night I sleep but wake, my heart pounding over and over, nightmares have haunted every night since, but I’m tired, weary to the bone. I feel old all at once. I long for my children, even more for Jesse. I’m past the stage of my heart feeling pain. My soul hurts! I’m broken. I long for days when life was uncomplicated, simple, boring even. I long for peace. Take care my dears… stay safe and warm 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹💙

Thursday……

The night before hadn’t been quite so restful, I had slept off and on, but no actually deep sleep, that healing dream less state, where the mind is at true peace….I think all in all I slept roughly for that usual hour right before I had to rise, (you know what I mean) lol, . I had set two alarms,. one on my tablet, the other on my phone, which was questionable at best, because I was semi conscious at the time of setting both, and the phone I use likes to keep me guessing …but ring they did, their tones harsh and shrill in the cold morning air, also in my poor head. ….I hated getting up, I’m not good first thing in the mornings, (in fact I know you will find this most difficult to believe but I’m grouchy as hell) best if you quietly place a large mug of hot coffee in my room, making sure to stand well clear and exit quickly…😁,

Even my caffeine laced coffee did not stir my sleep befuddled brain, so I stumbled toward the bathroom, turning the shower on to sterilize hot, and stood under the boiling spray until my skin turned a lovely shade of crimson, steam filling my small bathroom as well by now coming off my skin, …See in exactly an hour Debbie would be around to take me to see a prospective new home for myself and Cinnamon, I was excited of course I was, but also nervous, . I longed to find a place to call home, this living between two places is stressful if not somewhat exhausting….

I tried to keep a positive frame of mind(which isn’t a natural state for me) I had really liked the little one bed, one bath quarter house from its photos, (New word for me, Quarter house), up until last Monday that is, I had never heard of this expression). But something worried me, couldn’t tell you what?, Just did..for once I was actually ready on time when Debbie arrived, I had put out my clothes the night before., a smile painted firmly on my face along with my make up, …last minute nerves meant, I had walked out the door without my mask,(twice) then i couldn’t remember where the house key was, to lock up(it was on my purse, in my hand the whole time, 😁.

Thursday had dawned the most beautiful sunny morning, not a cloud to be seen, somewhat warm even for the time of year, I went out without my jacket on, wasn’t at all cold….Debbie senses my nerves, she kept up a lovely stream of chatter all the way through the busy roads, my mind kind of distracted, looking forward to seeing the house……Via the phone I had been told to expect someone called Jess to show us around..that made me giggle …because of course Jess was there his always there….I had pictured this Jess though to be slender, beautifully turned out, manicured, hair perfect with wrists full of jangling bracelets, young woman for some reason …

We pull up to the front of the house, Debbie by now more excited than I was, she was out the car and up the small pathway before I had alighted as daintily as any fairy elephant can.😁, ….I looked up at the bedroom window on arrival, there looking back down at us was a man and a woman … At first I presumed them a couple, looking over it, But the guy met us at the door….And introduced himself as “Geoff”!, Now unless I either had miss heard the estate agent while on my original call the day previous or overnight this Jess had been remiss in shaving and grown a rather nice grey beard, with matching hair and spoke with a Deep masculine voice,….ooops!!!!, …… As you can imagine it doesn’t take long to look around three rooms…but as we do i,m already visualising where my meagre furnishings are going, seeing myself on dark nights curled up on the sofa chatting to Jesse, curtains drawn, warm and toasty, all very intimate. Before leaving I tell Geoff I was indeed very interested …This of course was an understatement, in my head I had already moved in…..Geoff told me to call their rental team at the office and tell them that I would like to apply for the house, ….

I didn’t even get one foot in the car, when an excited Debbie says ” Go on call then!!!!!!” ” Do it now before you lose it” …..I sigh, I hate phones, loath even more talking to someone I can’t see, much less know ….but she’s so pleased I liked the little house, its always hard not do as she bids, …I call someone at the estate agents who informs me all the letting team are in a meeting…..could they call back?…..I assure them this will be fine, Anything to get off the phone…..And as we drive away, Debbie has already made plans for a hot chocolate at the local Costa fortune, I mean coffee, And I for one was not opposed, …. The Wednesday, (Day before) storm Dudley had made his presence well and truly felt, …I lay in my living room ,the sky black, clouds passing by like speeding race cars, wind howling about my small home, I felt cozy, and immediately saddened this would be one of the last storms here…. It Seems though that Dudley was only just preparing us for the joys yet to come……Debbie wanted to be home early just in case storm Eunice should come a calling early….she was due on Friday by all accounts….BBC weather man anyway

Before battening down the hatches, splicing the main brace, securing the plants in their tubs, we were going to enjoy our brief moment in the local Costa…..I always enjoy Debbies company, she’s fun and is prepared to put up with my whacky sense of humour(only Jesse really survives this, or indulges anyhow ….I wasn’t at all hungry, but I can smell the hot chocolate, …Standing at the counter in the large already filled coffee shop, I as an ex cleaner take note of the littered filthy floor, it’s covered, not in crumbs but huge chunks of food, wrappers, and cartons, ..I want to turn around and leave, but Debbie was there and she’s always so good about running me about, so I do my best to ignore the obvious, ..I see Debbie eyeing the last slice of millionaires shortcake….knowing from old, if I don’t have anything then she won’t either, then I feel guilty….

I settle for a sticky sickeningly looking Cinnamon bun, (at once feel nauseous at the thought, , We are asked by a rather bored looking young girl, hand on hip, chewing her cud,(I mean gum) 😁 What do you want?, It’s all I can do not ask for a vat of disinfectant, cloths and a Hoover, looking once more at the floor though, I decide they probably don’t posess such an object, And just order two hot chocolate,s……still chewing mouth ajar, it was in fact like looking into the tumble dryer(gum swirling about her mouth) she sighs and comes back with, Small, medium, or large……I refer to Debbie who chimes in mediums, ……Girl not once making eye contact says, “cream and marshmallows”, …..”No Thank you we say in unison”, …..this by now was said to the girls back as she walked off…..seems please and Thank you were as unemployed as their Hoover……

Debbie asks me to go and find, a spot for us to be seated,. while she brings a tray with our cakes and drinks….I scan about, trying my best to find somewhere I don’t at least have to clamber over the rot and decay of the past six months…..I wipe our table down, using a clean tissue and hand gel from my bag, just In time for our repasts to arrive, Debbie struggling under the weight of a large tray, . I could almost hear it groan with size of the hot chocolate cups……I look on in horror, as Deb places one in front of each of us….I go quiet all at once, (no I do at times honest)Debbie laughs, “yeah it’s a good job we ordered mediums”, . Honestly folks there’s enough hot chocolate there for a week, we could have gotten two straws and shared one….I tried over the next half hour to valiantly empty the pool sized cup of luke warm soupy brown mess…I didn’t succeed 😁….I felt that super thick chocolate slosh about my insides all day, and that did not!!! Feel good.

We had sat there waiting for the expected phone call from the estate agents, telling us about our next moves forward on the little quarter house…..but nothing came, We got up and left the squalor, plus half our drinks behind…, I at this point did not feel particularly well, I had noted on the Cinnamon bun, what. I suspected to be tiny specks of candied orange peel, (orange in any form, even a drop makes me extremely ill for days) I had I thought, picked it off to the best of my abilities, but Ive doubts I got it all….By the time I reached home I just wanted to lay someplace dark and quiet….but couldn’t (I awaited that call)…….two hours later I called them back, seems the renting teams meeting was going to be an all day affair….could I call back tomorrow?…..Jesse left emails for me…I was anxious, tired yet just could not relax…

The next day, my body still not quite recovered from the Costa fortune experience😁, I get up none the less, trying to stay busy, Anything to keep my mind off that infernal Cinnamon bun, that now sat like stone in my stomach, and the long impending expected call, …..when it did finally come, I had sat in a world of my own, wishing my phone to ring….then as it finally did, I jumped out of my skin…And fell on it at once, to answer it quickly…..the conversation was brief, no punches pulled….it seems the landlady wouldn’t accept Cinnamon(this is my rabbit now folks, not the offending poor excuse for a cake) , I tried to explain his not just a rabbit, his my companion, my room mate, I live alone and his my only company) his uber clean, lives in a highly polished piece of two story furniture, specifically made to his needs., I at once feel offended for him, she then uttered this parting blow” if you could just get “rid”, of him you can apply again…..I flung the phone down in disgust….look across at Cinnamon cheerfully chewing on his box oblivious, this is not the first refusal …..but his all I’ve got until I can get to Jesse and he depends on me…I him…..

Saturday

By now the full effects of the huge storm (Eunice) on that Friday afternoon and well into the night, were known, (as was that blooming Cinnamon bun) I lay upon the sofa, not feeling exactly ill, but just not well either, …. wind howled outside, whistling through any gaps in the doors, rain lashing heavily against the moss covered glass panelled conservatory roof,(more than once I expected it to cave in under the force) (I can’t lie I was nervous, storms make me antsy anyhow, unable to settle, not scared as such, I just feel them more than most I guess). I was restless filled with nervous energy, sleep evaded till the early hours, where I eventually like the storm was spent….And finally slept….

I awoke a few hours later, tired, aching, my stomach still sore, I slept off and on all afternoon, by that evening there was no denying it, I felt a migraine brewing, the right side of my face growing numb off and on, my teeth all hurt, …I took my pain meds in the vain hope I had caught it before it could take full force,..I was alas too late, my head hurt, I was left only seeing half of anything, this didn’t worry me though, it’s happened before, (although it’s been a while, I’ve managed to avoid orange up until then 😁) .today, Sunday I’m okish, just suffering the fallout, a little washed out, tired, emotional, I always miss Jesse more at these times, it’s harder to not feel the loss of his being there to hold me and make things better, just in the same room really,…. I walked out the living room at one point when it became just too much, sat in my bedroom, rocking myself as i Sob aimlessly and silently, ….in the distance a hear a calming voice, ” Honey you ok? “…..I wipe my eyes walk back into the living room, smile on my face, because there’s Jesse, And all the while his there, I guess then I am indeed ok……… Be good and take care of yourselves folks 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐁🐁🐁💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰

Box of tricks….

As you may or may not know by now, I shall be moving before April, I’m hoping it’s into another house, Bungalow or some kind of four walled type dwelling, although with one bed housing in high demand, who exactly knows😃 . My trying to source housing on this tablet is pretty much like blogging, I write a word, check it, turn round and it’s put in something totally different in(which makes the sentences novel but also quite nonsensical, well more so than usual anyhow). I type in an area, size of house, bedrooms required, and it comes up with some cow shed in Llandudno… although if course it is a very nice cow shed, And the neighbours are very friendly, bit worried about their bathroom habits, on the upside its not far to go for milk and all that, also really not so sure Cinnamon Rabbit will like sharing his abode with several hundred drooling bovines…besides they may want his Amazon box😮

If it’s not cows, my tablet wants me to become a Den mother to a bunch of students, I’m really not quite sure they are ready for living with me, or if they ever would be come to that… I search daily in vain , getting more frustrated by row upon row of unsuitable accommodation pictures, when I do find one that’s even halfway decent, it’s in the middle of an area that has it’s share of daily gang fights, it would be tantamount to waking up each day in dodge city, And I’m certainly not any Annie Oakley, (plus these places have nowhere to park my horse….it would get a ticket on its errrr, rump….😁

All the while this goes on I’m packing up boxes, that I bought from Amazon, strong, easy to construct with holes in the sides as carrying handles….the first lot arrived with cute pictures of vans on both the sides,ends and bottom…I liked this greatly, plus it does also appeal to my sense of organisation, I like to have all the vans facing the same way 😁, ..also with the box van packs, came a reel of white tape, the words fragile emblazoned across it in red, means business,(Jesse has this on order for when I get over there he told me, and he said something about going to wrap me in it) well I think he said across my hips, sounds like that anyway….😷, his just so thoughtful😁.

Monday night

I fill each box as I make it up, carefully labeling it with the room it’s meant for and the contents….whether it’s fragile, glass wear, China etc, this I store in one corner of my bedroom out of reach of me(I’m such a clutz I would probably fall over it or land on its breakable contents) ..the next day my XXL boxes arrived and I eagerly made up the first, careful to use the brown tape that came in the pack…I love that sound the tape makes as you stretch it the box flaps, ripppppppp… that’s when I don’t have to fight them into submission upon the ground first of course..after pinning my boxes down, then taping them up quickly so they can’t burst open again, I stack them neatly one upon the other just to make sure of any unruly ones ….

That night I fell into a deep sleep, I had taken pain killers as I’m still fighting this virus and felt somewhat achy…I must have slept soundly for just over an hour or so, .when I woke, looked over at Jesse, he was still asleep, I lay in that place somewhere betwixt sleep and half asleep, drifting in and out…it was then something caught my eye …I looked over bemused to the corner of the room, a light blinked off and on…..(now please if you will remember I had taken pain meds, .was somewhat asleep still) My first thought was wow that’s so blooming cool, they have even put indicator lights on the back of the van boxes….I loved this thought, laying there watching the light blink…..then I suddenly remembered……just that day I had flung a set of flashing fairy lights into a box, without removing their batteries first….I giggled at my foolishness before falling back to sleep. When I recounted this back to Jesse that morning, he didn’t even look up from his work, or blink an eyelid, I think I find this more worrying than if he had…. 😁.

Going into the bedroom the following day , I looked across at my nice neatly stacked piles of boxes, to find on every single one, the tape now lay flat , not stuck fast against the sides as I intended …..so back to the drawing board and out came the white tape with fragile on…..seems everything’s fragile including the stickiness of brown parcel tape…

Anyway folks enough of my box of tricks, take care of yourselves ,stay warm and well 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵🏵💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭.

Monday…

Yesterday I was rudely awoken early, burning up and Choking, with a constant hacking cough that made it very difficult to breathe,. funnily enough though despite this I didn’t feel the need to panic,instead sitting still and taking deep calming breath,s eventually helped,. Everywhere hurt and I felt somewhat out of it, almost as if my head had been emptied over night, And then refilled with large quantities of that soft toy stuffing😁…I wouldn’t mind this normally, as it was quite a pleasant sensation, but it turned the simplest of jobs into a chore…one of these being of great importance, (making myself a coffee)..I can do this normally while half asleep,(actually have done and even gone as so far as to drink it😀) But there I stood staring at my bright red kettle on despair,, spoon in hand, mind now a total blank….seriously though for a few moments (And here I did go into something of a panic mode, I just couldn’t remember how you made coffee),more over the more I thought about it, the more anxious I became…I toyed with turning to Jesse, only the fear of him thinking I was a total blithering idiot prevented this, . Can you find it on YouTube I wondered?….how does one YouTube again??????.So I opted to shower instead..you can’t go wrong with a shower right ?

After standing for quite some time under the refreshing hot water, I felt slightly more at one with my head, (Up until now I had thoughts, that maybe during the night i had had an early appointment with Madame Guillotine), Once again dressed in fresh Pjs,. I stood at my kettle, this time the lure of rich roasted Azera Americano coffee was far too great a temptation, i congratulated myself quietly I sat back down to savour it, …As I did a sudden noise broke through my peace, a loud thud came, the letter box rattled, followed by a package clattering onto the floor beside me…I wasn’t expecting anything though was i?, until I suddenly remembered actually I was.

The day previous….

Sunday afternoon Debbie had sent a text asking how I was feeling now, (Just saturday I had postponed a trip out in her car to look at houses., I was Presenting with all the symptoms of covid, I didn’t think it fair to travel in an enclosed environment, even taking the measures of wearing a mask, and knowing Debbie had had all the inoculation,s…It was Debbie who text back sometime later, (why not send for a home test kit?) , knowing me only to well she sent a link as to where to apply, which I then promptly did….And here it was, wrapped up in a grey plastic bag, enclosed in a further plastic bag, this one in a nice shade of purple( I’ve always loved purple) . I put down my coffee cup, set free the testing kit from yet another plastic bag(the third) , where in lay a cardboard box, yet another bag which held a giant swab on a poll,(ok a long stick), piece of lint cloth, and a tiny test tube type thing,half filled with a clear liquid, ….amongst this was a very officious looking instructions booklet.there I began to read it…..

I read the instructions thoughly, not only once but just to be certain it has sunk in my still quite fuzzy brain, I read it again…(I can by now easily take an exam on how to take this covid test)…first instruction was wash your hands thoughly, well I had just showered, .but hey better safe than sorryright?, then after wiping clean the surface you are going to place your test kit on, wash your hands all over again, ..this I did,. Opening the thin packet containing this huge horrifying looking long swab thing on knitting needle length stick, then opening your mouth as wide as you can without dislocating your jaw,. swab each side of your tonsils trying hard not to gag, So this you do four times each side (luckily here I don’t have problems with my gag reflex) no trouble thus far, …Now for the fun part…(take your large pole thingy and jamb it up your nose as far as possible, till it tickles your brain box😀😀😀😀😀😀😀), No no please don’t do that honestly😁, . on the whole It’s really not so bad, other than a very slight burning sensation as I twirled it, for the ten times instructed, it wasn’t so unpleasant…I mean your taught from young not to shove stuff up your Nasal cavities right?, (one time came to mind as I did this very thing) as a four year old my mother rushing me round to my Grandmothers(an ex nurse) when I had decided hiding her best pearl buttons up my nose would indeed be most appropriate, my daughter has the very button tin with said buttons still intact inside😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁…but there was to be two things I was indeed most grateful for yesterday, 1. Blow your nose well before hand, then rewash your hands again….2. Please Swab your throat first folks, not the other way round😂……Job done break the javelin, I mean swab stick and place in tube provided, seal with lid, add this and the lint cloth thing into provided bag, close securely…..then make another coffee before trying to get it collected from your home😒….

The collection….

It says on the instructions if you have symptoms, do not drive, or are too ill to go out, they will swing by for coffee and pick it up(no just pick it up folks), there’s a number to call and arrange this within 24hours, ..so test taken, I call, following the list of instructions about as clear as mud, until I get through to a real live talking human…..I give her all the details, my name, date of birth, ethnicity, bra size, she asked my sex, I deliberately deepen my voice at this point and say unsure😁…..but then I all seriousness explain why I’ve called, ..it says on the form someone can pick up completed tests if there’s a problem delivering it to a priority mail box… Again I explain, I,m disabled, don’t drive, plus I feel like I’ve just taken part in an iron man competition and hadn’t a clue where my nearest blooming priority post box was or is even if walking were an option……she says sorry we can’t get anyone to come out right now, tells me overly cheerful that my nearest box is four miles away, maybe it being a nice day for a walk, I might enjoy it..or maybe if I can’t do this just ask a neighbour to deliver my germ infested box to the post box……I sigh hang up and text Debbie…..

It’s not every friend that will collect your Covid test kit and drive beating back germs to their nearest delivery place…..but I have one who will and did just that bless her heart….not only this she offered to shop for me, I’ve blood relative,s, who have never gone that far for me😁, ….

Think pink…..

And the last thing you will think of is me!😖, I hate it, can’t stand it, I’m convinced it’s the devil’s own work(no seriously) it’s foul…..But I’m doing something in a good cause, …For the next 28 days, no less and certainly no more😒, I will be wearing something pink on my anatomy..about my person, ….each and every awful day….it’s so going to drag I just know it…..But it is all in aid of hearing dogs for the deaf, it’s a cause close to my heart, I grew up with a dear sweet friend called Sue who couldn’t hear, plus my love has issues of his own, if you feel you might wish to sponsor me, than send direct to the charity …but other than this just cheer me on….I will be crocheting a scarf also, ….every day I will crochet 28 rows, of twenty different colours….it’s gonna be a big one…no pun intended there……..all encouragement will be welcomed and I Thank you muchly in advance……if I’m prickly it’s because I’m right now sat here in a blooming pink t shirt…sighs…..Anyhow take good care of you folks and try to stay well 🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸🌸🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸💮🌸🌸🌸💗

Monday.

About a month ago now, or there about I think it roughly was, we made the decision that maybe constant cleaning of black mould from around windows, doors and ceilings was not such an appropriate exercise plan for me, myself. Jesse and my friend, Debbie, thought it time that I look into searching for a bigger dehumidifier. (Maybe industrial sized would fix it 😁) I have two small ones going round the clock (which I empty three times weekly) but still the mould relentlessly came. I tried bleaching it which, in my humble opinion, only encouraged it. Mould, it seems, likes a nice clean growing space. 😁 And while I don’t mind the smell, every room stinking like a swimming pool isn’t quite the nice fresh scent I try to induce about my home.

Recently Debbie and I spent a whole day battling the black creature from the bungalow, using all manner of weaponry, from ancient tooth brushes, to scouring pads, scrubbing brushes, or wire wool. One thing I can impart here, though, is that tea tree oil is fabulous for ye old mould removal. I had tried the bleach, expensive sprays, cheap sprays, even holding the odd seance for it to be gone!!!!! It was quite by accident I tried tea tree oil for its anti-fungal properties and to my surprise it actually works! But I digress somewhat, as is my norm. After much deliberation we decided to each check out the Facebook selling pages. Normally there’s a dehumidifier or three being sold off affordably. The next day Debbie was in touch. She had found one… not as cheap as I would have liked, but it had high rating on sales pages going for it. Not only this, it could, in fact, do more than one room at any one time! Seemed almost too good to be true but I decided to invest in it anyway. My health is more important, so Jesse tried hard to convince me.

It was all arranged, and what’s more the guy was even willing to deliver, which was another factor, me not driving… Next day I nervously awaited its arrival, the way things go wrong for me, I fully expected it to be broken somehow or that I wouldn’t know how to operate the blooming thing… It turned up okay, the guy not interested in showing me how it worked was off before I could even utter the words “how”? I didn’t however go into panic mode… (my usual MO). No I just sat over a coffee, looking at its numerous buttons and dials, until in my mind at least I had some sort of understanding of its uses… it’s odd up until I started living alone as much as I love gadgets, phones, tablets, anything electrical I had always stressed over how to use it, normally handing it over to one of my son’s or another… now I just keep working at it till I understand, this isn’t always instant or even in the first week, but after much trial and error, curse words abound,… a little light goes off, in this head when I get it… (And I’m proud to say now I’ve even begun to get some things straight off).

I turned on the new dehumidifier, it whirled into action, after only a couple of hours in my bedroom, the water collections drawer was full, not only full but was heavy… this fascinated me… I instantly turned it back on, for some days I was emptying it out up to four times daily… it felt instantly warmer while it worked, which was another big plus, after a week though I decided to give the filters a clean so it could to better effect… it had had a slight oily cooking residual odour about it… I washed the outside and where I could on its arrival, Now was time to brave its inner workings, at first petrified I would take it apart and break it somehow. And it was to be with some trepidation that I finally set to work… screw driver at the ready. Turns out even with the correct screwdriver I couldn’t get proper access to the huge filter in the back. I thought about this a second, then I did my bit for all woman kind😁 (ladies will get this, see woman up till now are never encouraged to tackle these jobs, well I soon had this figured out! Using a very soft two inch clean paint brush and my Hoover, I flicked outwards the dirt and dust from between the plastic grill covering the main filter. It was filthy, I ended up filthy, but it worked.

Don’t do this at home folks.

What amongst all this figuring though, I had forgotten, (slaps forehead) was to wear a mask (I know sighs). I had without a thought, care or attention, breathed in all these dust particles, dirt, dead skin cells😖, and need I say germs from who knows how long, let’s move right on quickly shall we 😁, I had gone about my days, happy that my home was at least drying out. Also I was no longer breathing in hundreds of tiny unseen black mould spores that filled my living space and even covered the kitchen work surfaces (much to my surprise and disgust). Two days after cleaning the filter, I began to show the first signs of getting sick. My nose ran, my throat became scratchy and that night I was burning up. Now if you’ve ever visited here you would know how cold it gets at night, but here I was soaked to the skin throwing off any blankets, no matter how thin. I ached from my head downwards.

At first I did my best to deny it. I don’t go out, much less have anyone in. How could this be happening? If indeed it was. I carried on with my normal routine as much as possible, ignoring the dull nagging aches, chills, or fevers. But you can only hide from these things for so long. As the days went on, the night fevers increased. Jesse had bought me a new mattress for the bed, both of us convinced that the old one was causing my pain. The new one helped. It’s lovely and supportive, but still I hurt. Time for hiding my head was to come to a rapid end, especially after my breathing became short if I was active. I didn’t want food, just drinking anything hot. This seemed to sooth my by now raw throat.

Monday morning.

On waking, I actually didn’t feel quite so bad, I had taken pain meds during the night, slept well and felt somewhat relaxed. That wasn’t to last though. I had one of my early morning coffees. (I say one, because there’s normally several throughout the day), showered, cleaned up the kitchen and plugged in my other phone while I wrote out my to do list. This phone I rarely charge. No one calls or texts so no real need. It suddenly sprang into action, screen flashing, pinging the music hurt my aching head. I picked it up, surprised, and right then and there my little world crashed around my congested head. I had just been given notice to quit the bungalow. I was too sick to really register the news properly, the shock set in sometime later! Much later!

Jesse was there thank goodness, as that’s no time to be alone. I felt sick to my stomach. I had, despite the never ending cold, out and out wars with the log burner, heating, mould… loved being here. It was my transitional home, a place to learn about myself, heal and wait till the time I get to be with Jesse. I had thought about moving on a few times, but it was just that: thought. Now I was once more homeless, without a base, an anchor. All at once exhaustion washed over me. I felt like weeping but to what end?

Since then I’m almost certain I’m on my third battle with COVID, I’ve little to no immunity, so it’s feasible, if not probable. Still in long haul from the first infection, I am amazed, if not astounded, at my body’s propensity to fight. Seems it’s as stubborn as I am. I try to keep busy during January crocheting hats for a charity. During this month I’m working on doing something for hearing dogs for the deaf. I know I need to fill my days, keep from dwelling on my health and the almost imminent move. The thought of packing, dragging stuff about alone, makes me feel old and only serves to remind me how everything is down to me.

I flick through endless pages of rental homes longing for one to speak to me, one that will feel like a home for me and Cinnamon. I worry: will I find us one in time? He’s relying on me, and I’m just longing to go back to the days when I didn’t have a care in the world… days of crafting and coffee. Now I’m beginning to wonder who the hell I peeved to be cursed so. One thing to come out of this is I no longer feel the need to comfort eat. I’m sticking to my sugar and wheat free diet, pea shoots, beet leaves, healthy salads… cooking low fat chicken recipes with Jesse. I know it will all work out for the best, it always does… it’s just when. Take care of yourselves folks. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Myself and Cinnamon (my rabbit) have been living alongside each other now for roughly eighteen months…At first I was none to sure it was fair to take in a pet, my life being so upside down at the moment..I’m still in full Covid long haul mode….some days just getting out of bed is as much as I can muster…But as lock down began its final long days.. I came across more and more pets finding themselves without a home, it tore at my heart seeing page upon page of bunnies, cats, dogs really through no fault of their own now seeking refuge(so depressing)….I was still undecided some weeks later, could I or would I cope when sick? Was I the right person?, What could I offer infact?, Even sleepless nights were involved…

But I had that one thing going for me, a vast array of animal knowledge, their needs and care, I’ve made it my place to learn, it’s taken some years but I gleaned knowledge, no how from people, books, tv, forums, but my best teachers were indeed the animals themselves, …I don’t just keep pets, I become involved in their lives, what were their needs, moods, personality…you can keep over a 100 rabbits but each is so very different..

Just when I thought I had rabbit care down to a fine art though, along came Cinnamon….he was indeed a lockdown pet, I had by this time changed my mind a dozen times about getting a pet, thinking it would be for all the wrong reasons, not fair…..that was then,. one evening some weeks later, I read a post on Facebook that touched my heart…it was to be fatal….for there was a picture of my boy, …heart racing with anxiety, with mixed emotions, I answered the add…there it was done…

Many replies asked after him, part of me hoped upon hope that someone would come along for him, the decisions out of my hands then…someone anyone would be better for him surely?…, but a few minutes later a ping happened on my private message, ….And that November night ,Cinnamon arrived, he was and is a very nervous rabbit…I suspect he has never been handled in all his three years,. And that’s where all our troubles began….he never ate any of the food that came with him, or any I was told he had before, …I tried every make ,brand of hay in existence.. From budget to gold standard….Cinnamon would not only not eat it…Oh no we took to posting it back out of our cage…couldn’t stand it near him….😮.

Now rabbits I know a lot about, mini lops(his breed) are no strangers either, I had two previously. , I know for instance they can be picky, fussy even darn right fastidious….but this bun was beyond all this….I actually thought he was going to die at one point.., His poop was full of pin worms,( yeah smashing) his coat, dull and lacklustre….he sat in one corner starring dead eyed into space…And I felt bad for him….I left him well alone, spending my days in my bedroom, …I trailed Amazon for food that looked similar to what my other lop rabbits would eat. When it arrived I filled his bowl, held my breath and went out the room once more…..

The next day I walked in, feeling some what miserable, I was letting Cinnamon down, for all my knowledge and hopes, I couldn’t help him……but imagine the sheer joy as I looked across to find not only an empty bowl, but a moving bunny….he watched me move about, showed interest , it was a start, a fantastic start and I was over joyed for us both…

As you know, I rarely, if ever leave my house, when I did, I hated walking in to the cold, baren, lifeless room….it felt so stark before….but not any more, …there was movement, sound, most importantly another life, Cinnamon quickly became something far more valuable than a pet….he was my companion….yes I have Jesse my constant, right there on my phone…but his a million miles away….his not here, loneliness ate deep into my being….I didn’t want any other human company as they wouldn’t be Jesse , But even so after years of being a mum, I needed to nurture, I needed to be needed….Cinnamon is no longer just a rabbit….he fulfils the most important function….he makes this shell of a house feel like a home,

I was to learn very quickly Cinnamon is not your average rabbit….no,.. only I could come across a rabbit that has health issues….he suffers from a thing called Gut Stassis (this is not only exceptionally painful, but can prove fatal if not careful….Cinnamon being Cinnamon any slight change can cause a fresh bout…from change of environment, to change pretty much anywhere😁, first day I put him in a run I built in our garden( because rabbits do need the great outdoors, right? Wrong wrong wrong,!!!!!!….he sulked, wouldn’t move, even to the point I had to bring him back in…for two days he had horrendous stomach issues…, so I hit on an ingenious plan, I built him a run in the house(😁 yeah I know right, same thing). if anyone visits he hides) ….when I do venture out even to the post box, he turns his back on me for the rest of the day….even thumps his dear little feet in protest …

He hates being picked up…..( No he won’t eventually get used to it) I’ve tried, goodness knows how I’ve tried, ) if I get him out to roam he hides for hours behind somewhere, again stasis the next day….I’ve had skittish bunnies, I’ve had fearful buns, but this rabbit is in a class of his own, despite this we have the most healthy respect for each other…Ive spent a fortune having a two story beautiful indoor hutch built…it’s huge, made with a lovely high polished wood….honestly it looks like a wonderful piece of furniture….And for once..just once he loved it….And I love it because he has room to move….room for hes toys…

We live this side by side co existence, I’m now allowed to stroke his head, we roll his toys back and forth to each other…Over Christmas was cold, so a few nights I was lazy and slept in the warmth and comfort of the livingroom….those nights Cinnamon slept up front of his cage where he could watch me….once I settle for the night he went up to the top part of his house and lay watching me from there, doing nothing, quiet just watching….well a few nights turned to weeks, …

Last week I cleaned my bedroom and made it comfy to move back in, Tuesday was to be the first night….I hadn’t been there long, when I heard my rabbit thumping…..where it’s so quiet here at nights, the sound fills the air…it’s blooming loud….I call out to him from my bed..he settles( I leave him a light on every night, but even with this measure taken he thumps most nights until I call through….assure him in there…

I’ve gone back and forth from sleeping in the sitting room to my bedroom over the course of the week…, those nights I sleep in here (sittingroom) his content and restful….in the bedroom and the whole night he stomps, throws his feed pot,s, bangs the doors….But last night I stayed in my room the whole night, I didn’t sleep much, as it was a high pain night, eventually my phone in hand, dragging my blanket behind me like half asleep toddler, I stumbled my way back into the living room …..I lay down on my sofa, that is next to cinnamon, ….looked across to check on him, As Im won’t to do, And for the first time, my funny little, moody Bun greeted me, he looked up at me as I lay down….did the most wonderful series of small leaps. (binkying)Head bobbing,,twisting in the air as he leapt, it was a sight to behold, I liked to believe he was actually pleased to see me…my rabbit may never be a lap sitting cuddle bun, but he has a long term home, in the warmth, with good food, small snippets of fruit, veggies, someone to play fetch the cotton reel with, he will never be just a rabbit again, he belongs, he makes my life without my loved ones bearable, I like to think with my knowledge of bunny health I make his a healthy, respected life…each doing our own thing but together…..friendship comes in many forms….take care folks, stay warm and well..💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇

I cannot believe yet another week has come, , whoosh and there it goes within a single heartbeat out the door…….This week started out so very hard and its with some certain knowledge that I knew full well it will end that way..A loved one has been ill, very ill, (And me being me, a nurturer of old, my first instinct is always to try help, I can’t help but want to mother,.Only in this case, I’m afraid there was little to nothing I could actually do, .it ate away at my insides greatly, I sent useless things, token gifts,… bothered them endlessly for updates, ideas of what to do, I love you,s…but still my mind whirled out of control, I felt totally useless, and sitting about just sent me even closer to that fearful edge of insanity.

Sunday..

I awoke from little more than a nap, (seems ten minutes sleep was enough for any overwrought mind…There I lay watching time pass very slowly, longing to wake Jesse, I needed to talk….,(I think I’ve hinted many times before, talking shuts the demons up in my head, If talking was a sport, I would win Gold several times for England 😁) , I talk about anything, everything, I talk for the sake of talking really, I cannot help it, it’s a nervous thing,..Plus it silences the endless torture I put myself through, if I talk loud enough, I cannot hear it…. But in as much as sitting in the dark,alone with my thoughts is agony, waking Jesse when his worked hard all day filling in endless B52s(or whatever those online forms are) plus there’s the end of the month accountancy type stuff ,this to me is far far worse. After a restless hour I decide to get up from the sofa I “normally” sleep on. to make myself a coffee….

While the kettle takes its usual sweet time to boil, I clean the kitchen from the night before.., wash up, put in a load of laundry to wash,. The kettle finally comes to a boil and clicks off loudly, startling me from my thoughts, I make my coffee, dive back under my fleece blankets to thaw out…it’s freezing here in the night…I put my hands about the silver thermos cup, grateful for any little warmth it affords, And sit again sipping the hot comforting brew… as I did an idea appeared from no where, why not sit and make a list of all the things you want to have achieved by the end of the week…put back some sense of worth, value…enjoy ticking each item off, watch the list become smaller, when your minds on one thing, it surely cannot think of two things at once, or Can it ?.

I grab an old shopping receipt that had sat screwed in a ball upon the pine coffee table. .,in the semi darkness i began writing, Starting with the simplest things first, then the tasks I had been putting off for some weeks., my mind wanders off topic from time to time, but before too long, my list has grown and covered the full receipt…. I’m now filled with a fresh determination to start that very next day, because here at least is something I can do…, first thing on my to do list, takes some thinking about, I lay back upon the plump red pillows, and there before long my eyes droop……I finally fall into a deep exhausted sleep.

Monday morning….

I woke up after just an hour..but least I had slept right?, I send an I love you and ask how they are,? ….But I know instantly though, because it’s early and I have a reply, …..I ask about doctors, hospitals, anything….again my heads full,so while Jesse is still blissfully unaware of this fresh new turmoil , I begin the first thing on my list…I want to move my living room about again (yeah I did just do this before Christmas😁)…in my sleep deprived befuddled head, I thought it would allow the heat to come through,what was at that moment my single blocked living room radiator, ..the huge sofa was in front of it.. It made sense to move it, plus more importantly it gave me an outlet, something to fill those endless hours, I had been sat worrying myself half to death, it didn’t take too long though as I moved the sofa, for my back to send out it’s protestations, …stubborn as I am though I had started, so I would come what may, indeed finish, it wasn’t even daylight yet as I put my plan into full action…..

I worked steadily for over an hour, my back just holding out, the toe that I had broken just before Christmas, I’m not quite so sure of, but each time I tried to sit down to rest, I was driven ever onward…hounded by thoughts of what IF?!!!!!!, I felt sick with pain but there was to be no let up….as I shunted the heavy coffee table to one side, a sleepy voice, called out, Honey? , you ok? …..I sit back in front of the phone waiting for Jesse to fall back to sleep,(this moving about could get ugly I thought, as I wipe away the sweat dripping into my eyes,) but after his satisfied I’ve not knocked down a partition wall, or fell off the wobbly chair I stand on to reach things, sleep he promptly does,.. I watch him for a while he looks so tranquil, … I’m at once envious of Mr Puss our cat, asleep upon his chest, I long for such sweet oblivion, the soothing sound of soft breaths and a heart beating strongly under my ear, as it has once before….again I push ever on….sweat creeping down my back, my knee twists and subluxs, I straightened the offending kneecap only bothered by its inconvenience…and go about finishing the room…nothing would stop that spur in my side, ( the sting of thought)

After I had finished,i sat for five minutes admiring my handy work, I hobble to the bathroom, there stripped off my sweat soaked pjs, and stood for an age under delicious warm water of the shower, washing off my aching body, sweet scents of Tahiti shower gel fill my nose, I still hurt but at least I’m now clean, for to be seen😁….I dress hurriedly in comfy clothes, make another coffee,….I love changing the room about normally , its that change of outlook, it lightens my mood….but today I’m still restless, I need something more, something to kill an hour or two at least….

before I know it i,m prising a now very swollen foot into my trainers, pulling on my jacket, grabbing Jesse and my wallet, mask and i,m out the door before I can talk myself out of it….it’s a glorious almost spring like morning…. The sky is a cloudless Cobalt blue, it’s unseasonably warm, even the breeze isn’t cold…the leaves from the oak lined street, are still soggy and sodden from an earlier downpour, .There’s not a soul to be seen, And I enjoy this brief hush, I don’t feel like pasting on the false smile today, or passing pleasantries with passes by….I just want to walk and be…

my head hurts, my back worse, I feel sick from a mix of stress and lack of sustenance, but the warm sun on my face is sweet and I walk slowly to enjoy every minute….I already know my limits, reach the local Lidl and go to buy a few things I need….it’s quiet in there, I’m doing ok, and the good thing about mask wearing is no one knows whether you smile or not…smiling today was not in the agenda….shopping done, I cross the huge road, find my bench and sit for a breather…the world went on oblivious, people drove to work, mothers chattered excitedly , but I feel excluded, not belonging…I made my way home, nearly at my door, I hear a soft enquiring voice, Have you been out honey?, At once a calm washed over my raging soul, a peaceful hush that’s so welcome and I breath ……

Myself and Jesse talk at length later that same day, he knows I’m tormenting myself endlessly again about something, he tries hard to distract me, sings one of his songs, talk of work, things that usually make me smile, engage my interest or makes me laugh, but today isn’t one of those days, today I’m hurting, this huge raw ball of emotion, I know I’m driving myself ever closer to the edge, And what’s worse neither he or I can stop it……I long for him to though, what’s more I know full well if he could just wrap me up in one of those huge bear hugs he specialises in, I could begin to do living again….all day I’m close to tears, I’m exhausted, both mentally and physically, but push myself and my body to it’s limit.

I hadn’t stopped all day, while Jesse worked away on his own list, I crossed all the boundaries of pain, determined and driven…..I never stopped to eat..didn’t want food, food had become the enemy in my mind, it wasn’t till way after ten that night I finally gave into hunger, made a cod steak, rice ,veg, even as I ate it, there wasn’t the usual enjoyment, I was just refuelling ready to carry ever onward……It was that hunger though that presented me with my next issue, I had been shovelling the food in without noticing, not tasting it, mindless and barely chewing before swallowing , and as I swallowed that next mouthful, to my horror a fishbone slid down my throat…too late to reverse it, to late to do anything, but keep swallowing hurriedly, as I gulp I’m hoping it would dislodge from where it was caught, I cough, splutter, but it’s useless, I swallow and as I do the sharp object scrapes down every last inch of my throat. It bloody hurts, but that’s not all, I have this irritated sensation almost like the bones still there someplace lodged…..normally I would have panicked, but I’m too tired, stories of people dying from choking on fishbones, play around with my already frought mind….but I shrug them off, choosing instead to plod on…

All week I’ve pushed my body onward, oblivious to it’s aches, it’s pain just needed to keep on the move…..yesterday though I reached payback…..every time I moved I felt heavy, slow, and couldnt seem to even walk straight, I had woken again after very little sleep, instead of laying there in hopes of drifting back off, I got up and began my day. My head ached, stomach joined in with the protest and after many bathroom trips later, I tried to wash down the skirting, another thing off my ever dwindling list…..things got done…. my friend Debbie arrived some time later to help me, she knows me from old, also knows I would half kill myself rather than ask for any assistance….she sets about however joining in with the endever, ever cheerful, there’s life and bustle at least now about the house, we call from room to room to each other…, but I’m horrified all at once by how slow, sluggish, listless I,m feeling….it was like trying to walk through molasses…also I lacked any form of concentration….what’s more pasting on that false smile, faking cheerfulness was killing me….I longed to lay down, my comfy sofa seductively called my name, I’m not ashamed to say I was so very tempted to give into it….but idiotically I didn’t listen…..we worked steadily for another three hours, three hours of my brain feeling like it had turned to mush, my body just a ball of hurt, I swallowed pain killers with some annoyance, why oh why was my body doing this to me?, Why couldn’t I just do what I wanted? , it was letting me down….. Really it wasn’t of course, I’m still in the full grips of longhauling, finally my body decided for me. if I wasn’t going to listen, it was surely going to make me…..after a brief shopping trip, Debbie left and I lay down to talk to Jesse a while, I at this point, felt chilled, my body shaking with the cold, I had had the heating on full, log burner burning, blankets piled up to my neck, yet teeth chattered, my whole body quaked and shoke, I felt sick, my throat began to ache, and I suddenly found I couldn’t leave the sofa….

All afternoon I shivered, all the signs of the flu took hold, I wanted to get up my things away, but the only way I can describe how I felt was sapped, wrung out, lifeless, that evening my eyes closed involuntary, and I slept off and on, Jesse there at my side, watching over me as always, .I would wake from time to time look up at him and smile, there’s my constant..

finally some hours later I changed into warm fleece pjs, ate a bowl of chicken casserole and gave into my bodies need for peace, rest, there really was little else I could do…my throat still slightly sore, somewhat raspy from the scrapping of the fish bone, but it’s better at least than it was, today I’m still feeling run down, and I’m listening, …again sleep failed but you know what,? I’m listening to that need to keep moving, the thoughts are ever present , but I will deal with it….take care of yourselves my friends and stay safe 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😀💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💙💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😘

It’s the Eve of the Eve of the beginning of another new year and these days I look forward to things with a certain amount of hope and positivity. You see, I have plans for changes in this little life of mine. Not resolutions. No, you rarely stick to those right? 😁 No, these are things I’ve, at least, some modicum of achieving. And I know without doubt I need to reach these goals to give me some fulfilment, confidence. These are not huge things understand, they’re not going to be life changing even. Well, not right away, but I believe with time and perseverance, if I just hang on in there, stick to my resolve, it very well may bring about massive results.

Today, despite a tough night, I woke up knowing full well that I was going to take down the Christmas trees, then pack away all the shiny, glittery things I love so very much. Now I say I knew this… whether I actually did or not it was indeed down to how well my coffee kicked in. Right then and there I did not want to leave my bed (so it wasn’t looking good) but leave it I did. I showered, gulped down a molten hot coffee in three swallows and before the cup even had time to cool, I made another. This was going to be a two or three coffee kind of job. I hate packing Christmas away, The morning was so dull already, horribly gloomy and raining. It seemed almost inconceivable to box up such pretty cheerful things on a day like today. I stopped myself thinking about it, procrastination being the enemy of all things achievement wise, before I could change my mind (as I’m wont to do). I began in earnest, knowing full well once I had started I would indeed see the job to its completion.

Once I had the trees down, everywhere looked so empty. (Except now for the pile of filled taped boxes, tangled fairy lights and white frosting off the smallest tree, everywhere was covered. Finally the white Christmas they had forecast each week since June) Rugs, chairs, the shirt that had in fact been freshly laundered just an hour previous, was now smothered, making me look like I had either been stood outside getting snowed upon for hours (some hopes) or had the worst case of dandruff known to medical science.

I worked steadily until job’s completion, lights untangled, batteries recycled, even my throbbing broken little toe could not stop me once I got into my stride. I had had a lovely Christmas despite spending another alone. Myself and Jesse had made the best of a bad lot… cooking some lovely meals, watching old Christmas movies on prime and sleeping. Lots of sleeping! We virtually napped away that whole day, in its entirety, waking to eat, open presents, but mainly just relaxing. It was perfect, just like the massive bouquet of red and white flowers I had been surprised with just the day before. I lay looking at the thoughtful gift, hot eyes prickling with tears, as I remembered the first bunch of velvet soft red roses that December over three years ago, their sender always knowing how touched and warmed I would be. Jesse knows me too well and as he slept I enjoyed their fragrance and dreamed away the hours.

I have to confess though, not everything was relegated to the cardboard boxes. Jesse had bought me a lovely big glass snow globe for Christmas. Inside its dome a pair of crimson red Cardinal birds. I think he was struck by how excited I had been on seeing them flying about outside his house while I was there. Somehow I had forgotten they were native to America. One morning while watching squirrels feed I saw something red flutter and land by the window. Jesse came in to see what had captured my imagination so, to him, this was of course an everyday occurrence. To me who loves these plucky little birds, it was amazing… a dream fulfilled. And so now I have my own cardinals. As I sat looking at them I hit upon an idea: by wrapping a strand of copper wired fairy lights about them I could enjoy the twinkling lights some more. The glittery snow from the globe twinkling in their reflection, bringing light through the long grey winter months, and with it carrying love from one heart unto another.

Whatever you’re doing this new years eve… whomever with… I pray it’s a better year, one that is good to you and your families, hopefully seeing the end of these dark times and bringing fresh hopes for us all. Take care of yourselves in whatever you do and enjoy the fresh new year..💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😁😁😁😁💛😁💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

Well the Christmas trees are up , they are a somewhat glorious work of decadence, frothy white tinsel, silver ball,s, polar bears and what I now know..are naughty porridge stealing Santa helpers….I love these little ZZ top looky like santas,… they are cute as hell, with waist length beards and oversized hats….I’m pleased with the overall effect as I stand back to admire my handy work….A cheerful note in an otherwise freezing cold existence, brightness to lighten anyone’s dark dreary winters day,s….only problem is I shall be extremely sad to see it all go….I dread the quickness of it all, it seems to fly by with extraordinary haste….

I woke the other night, after just about an hour’s sleep..remembered as one does, that I had forgotten to take the recycling bin out , so at 3 am, barefoot and just my cotton pjs, freezing bits of me off I may need at some point in time again…,in this what I can only describe as a good old fashioned British pea souper of a fog..it was almost all encompassing, growing much denser the lower it got, drifting in and out between each house….it was spooky in a wonderful kind of way…But what caught my eye,shining out like twinkling beacons of joy were Christmas lights people had left on, almost to ward off the night time …it looked especially beautiful, I came back into my house wondering what? if anything I could do to add to my neighbours efforts , to bring on that good cheer…

That very next afternoon I found out a set of crisp, white battery fairy lights, wove them into some crocheted blue , green and white bunting I had made previously, this I added to my front window, it was pretty quickly followed by candles, a small log effect lamp, And wasn’t by any means as spectacular as my neighbours displayed, but I could hardly wait for it to grow dark that night….the over all effect is cosy and cheerful and I quite like it…..

I bore everyone on Facebook daily with pictures of my festivities, small adjustments, ..But I never try to hide the fact, the child within me still finds Christmas magical, and on the whole even with the situation as it is, I can’t help but love it….So Yesterday I sat, finished off the last of my Christmas cards for the uk crowd…having posted off the ones to the USA last week, …One card I had wanted to ensure got to its recipient…it was a fairly large card, that I had actually Sat and made for Jess, …(I shake my head with shame at the very thought…My daughter makes these wonderful creations, full of glitz, sparkle and just so much talent..it makes their receiver feel valued and special….I wanted to recreate this for Jess, ( it looked so good in my mind) …in reality however, this was not to be the case….

I got out all the carefully, planned pretty papers, I organised the tools I would need, all in perfectly straight lines upon the coffee table, I had the glue, the scissors, stickers, I had it all arranged….drinking the last of my coffee I hit on an idea, a plan of action…this was going to be perfect!!!!….indeed the best card Jess had ever received 😁😁😁😁😁….( Huh)…..I knew what I wanted it to look like, but as I began cutting out the shapes, sticking it to the card, then sticking those tiny foam tabs on to that…is when it all went horribly so weird…..the tiny foam tabs were probably the smallest in all existence, I swear these things were smaller than I’ve ever come across,. once positioned ,you then peel off the backs right?, (that’s what normally happens anyhow,) not for me…as I tried to remove the backs, the tabs came off the object,And stuck fast to my fingers, where I found them later was just about everywhere, my hair, my clothes, the sofa, carpet, table just about everywhere but the intended item…..after an hour of sweat, blood and tears, I had managed to apply at least half a dozen of these tabs, just half a dozen out of the fifty or so attempted…I sat back, covered in tabs, a deep new respect growing for my daughter and other card makers, (they all make it look so graceful and easy) I’ve decided from that day onwards I’m not a natural crafter or indeed graceful 😁.

A card did eventually after some time take shape, what shape has still to be decided, but the thought was there, made with errrr, I would like to say love, not so sure love was in my heart as I peeled off glue, glitter, and tabs in the shower later…..but it was going to get posted after I had mangled it into its addressed envelope, being more determined now than ever…my friend Debbie was coming later to take me to the post office…now late I rushed to get ready….I hate rushing, not built for it, don’t like it and thinggggs happen….Things happened!!!!!!!!……showered, make up on, I thought it somewhat appropriate I put on trousers….it being a beautiful sunny but frosty freezing day …don’t think my nightshirt would suffice somehow.

Fully dressed and now ready except for putting on my shoes, I rush out of the bedroom, as I go out the door…my little toe decided to take that moment to argue with the others, and go its separate way, smashing into the door frame on our way out….I felt the pain immediately, followed quickly by a stomach curdling crack!, I hobbled into the living room, sat until I no longer felt sick…..by then Debbie arrived, and I had to then somehow cram an ever swelling, toe into my shoe ……which I did!

Thank goodness the post office was empty, the Lidl store after not quite so much, I leant heavily on my shopping cart, the pain increased the whole time I walked around. I felt bone crunch against bone, burning the more the swelling grew..my hip ached, knees as I walked in the only way I can describe as a ministry of silly walks fashion…I left after only a few minutes, I couldn’t stand any longer by now…I was glad to reach the car…but dreading finally taking off my shoe…..

Next day I woke up to a very black little toe, bruising creeping slowly down the bone along side my foot…there was by now no doubt it was broken, I managed to hobble about to reach the bathroom, (thanking my lucky stars there are no stairs involved) …there was no point in a hospital visit because they would only tape it, which I myself after breaking the little toe in my other foot several times am expert at doing…

Monday ….

Yesterday was a busy day….Jess had to go to the doctors, I had my lady, coming in later that day to cut my hair, so we got an early start…..both tired and not really in the mood to be rudely awoken and to get right on with our day….but start we did, the phones deciding to be evil to us both at the moment, kept cutting us off chat…if we got vision , sound went, if by chance we wangled our way through that…the effects kept coming up on Jesse’s phone , which I confess that wasn’t so bad, as he made a very Rakish sexy looking pirate, 😍…..I had the last cards to send out to friends here, plus write one out for my hair dresser.which as I did I slipped some money in it for her Christmas box,

It was a pleasant evening when I limped down to the post box, which thank goodness is only at the end of the road, Christmas lights already shining through windows, cold crisp air filled my lungs which I breathed in both appreciatively, and deeply , rarely going anywhere i make the most of it when I do…..relieved to see the last cards on their way to my friends I walked back slowly, enjoying the light show as I went….I sat down resting my foot until my hairdresser,s, arrival on return,.. I looked for her card… But not panicking at first when I couldn’t find it….then something crossed my mind…what if I had picked it up with the pile of cards and I had just posted ?!!!!!!!!!!!!…..😮, but then common sense took over when I remembered I only posted five…..five was indeed the right amount for I written out, so my mind at once relieved…….but hanggggggg on a moment …hadn’t I just used a card in its envelope, that I had addressed wrongly to light the log burner with.😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮,

It had gone out twice now and I had given up on the whole idea of being warm again….sighs…,actually thinking it may just burst into combustion on its own self, as it is indeed won’t to do on many occasions……I had used the candle lighter on the card a number of times now to no effect, it had just spluttered and went out ….I went over to the burner looking in it thinking knowing my luck, it had by now burst into a mass of flickering flames, ……but actually no my luck was in for once it hadnt…..just one corner was slightly burnt, still smouldering infact…..I grabbed it out quickly, and indeed upon opening there was the Christmas money….only I folks, if something can be done leave it upto me…..in amongst the catastrophic moments though, I have managed to rest up this foot and while doing so, crocheted to red and white Santa hats…..they are really cute and I already have orders from friends to make more…..ok maybe I shouldn’t give up on crafting totally …..even I have the odd saving grace…..take care my friends, and enjoy your loved ones this lovely festive time of year….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😁🎄x

…….