It’s been some time again since my last excursion into the great outdoors, (ok anyplace that involves leaving home,. That is unless you can count two trips to the doctors to have bloods done,. This is always a fun time,,On the first attempt, a poor young nurse smiled a warm greeting as I walked into the tiny, but cool neat office, . I sat down, we passed the usual pleasantries back and forth, like name, date of birth, the weather anything to put you at ease…..which arm I preferred to be stuck in?😁, I smiled back and then I had to go and spoil things with the words “erm we may have a slight issue here “, . I go on to ruin her day with explanations of how badly my veins like to hide (just because they can!!!!!😁,

I have to give her her due though she tried her best bless her, moving the needle about, but alas she would have had more luck mining for gold, 😁, . She shook her head sadly and said “I think this is a job for Debbie”, . Well I didn’t know who Debbie was?, but apparently she’s a whiz with veins, I was just hoping for another nurse and not someone they randomly dragged in off the street, ” here come have a go at this” , kind of thing😁, So before I get out of the reception, my phone pings, there’s a short text with an appointment for Wednesday next.. Only this one was later, an afternoon, brilliant ! .my thinking being,at least I can drink plenty of water, which I’ve been informed reliably before plumps up the veins,

I get up early, that gloriously sunny morning, very early though,ok 4:30am to be precise, And try as I may, do you think I can get any water drank?, Nope ….it took until just half an hour before leaving time, (my appointment was 2:40pm) so by two o’clock I’ve drank nearly 2litres of water, …it’s by now fairly warm outside, but I console myself with the fact it’s only a ten minute walk…….Ten minutes though with two litres of water sloshing about inside my stomach, like some over filled paddling pool, . This time on arrival I remember to type my date of birth into the computer thingy, so my presence is at least noted, ….the surgery wasn’t busy and there fore I hadn’t long to wait thank goodness, because all that water by now was indeed making itself known……a quite soft voice calls me through.

Nurse Debbie it turns out is 5ft of nothing…(shorter than myself if that’s at all possible) She’s not wearing a cape, or in fact her undies over her tights as I expected this diminutive blood taking wonder woman to be attired., I was somewhat mollified to see her infact in uniform, She again introduces herself, we talk about the weather, we love the weather 😁, state of the economy, meaning of life, as she is opening and shutting drawers, dragging out all manner of implementation for torture, blood letting, (I mean taking blood, …(I’m impressed, there’s needles of all sizes being brought out and lined up, if my veins were ever going to retreat forever now was the time for that, as my unconscious brain sends down panic smoke signals ….I look away trying to fool them, ewww look at that picture, it’s twenty four things you always wanted to know about Diabetes,(is there 24 I wondered, I just don’t want it, that’s all I know?, but I’ve no clue) the other sides pictures of lung disease or IBS, I’m not sure either is going to fool these veins into cooperation, so I look out the window, I’m asked do I have a favourite arm ? Suddenly bringing me back down to planet earth with a jolt…..being me I reply, no their both pretty nice as a rule, besides I don’t want to give them a complex😁…..The poor nurse Smiled slightly confused but polite……we decide the right arms the way to go, And with in minutes super nurse has located a nice plump vein to play with,no sooner than its started I’m done shuffled back out the door and walking home as fast as me and my cane can muster, by now I need the bathroom and fastttttt.

After that there really wasn’t any occasion for me to force myself outside again, Shopping arrived at my door via Morrison’s for groceries or Amazon for my myriad of other needs, ..I water the garden, pass the time of day with some poor unsuspecting neighbour or other, before they make good their escape, (I’ve seen them hide behind hedges, cars or lampposts, 😁, but I find there’s weeks at a time pass me by before, I realise I’ve not been out…..

Yesterday however was not to be one of these days, it was a saturday and I had woken up feeling somewhat withdrawn and bored, .. I tried keeping busy, watching ‘re runs on Prime, all ceased to amuse,or amaze, if anything only it increased my need for joining the outside world, …by 8:30pm I couldn’t stand it a moment longer, my nerves were taught to the point of near snapping, putting on socks and shoes(a rarity in itself) Grabbing up my phone, my trusty Cane, shoving keys hastily in my pocket, as I pass the table, I set out.

It was indeed a beautiful summers evening, the sun has by now begun to set behind the trees, it’s cool, one of those perfect soft calm nights where you find yourself matching its pace, I walked slowing down the alley way behind two blocks of houses, it’s tree lined with shrubs in its borders, the airs filled with the sweet warm aromas, of Roses, white waxy star like flowers of the climbing Jasmine, Honey suckles, the deep purple or white Buddelia bracks waving in the evening air,.distance voices and that even song of birds before they settle down to roost…..

As I walk further one thing troubled my ease now, it was the increasing number of trees shedding their leaves through lack of rainfall, it’s not like the Autumnal drop of when leaves have steadily altered there hue before tumbling in the misty chilled air…..no gorgeous colours, oranges,reds, corals and golds, these are all crisp and brown….I worry about the birds that shelter from the Sun’s hot rays under canopies, squirrels, insects….I feel an unease ..it’s not just the odd tree either, it’s happening to far to many, I feel at odds with my world, what is mother nature trying to tell us?, But I think we already by now.

By the time I reach the park bench I like to sit upon and rest a while, the Sun’s dropped way down, The sky is magnificent, streaked with every shade of orange, lilac,purple, that dramatic scarlet blazing a trail across one side to the other, I sit silently alone for now the parks empty, I enjoy the solitude, retrieving my phone from its home in the depths of my pocket, I capture picture upon picture, knowing already that the phone camera cannot, indeed will not capture the sheer beauty, intensity of colour , ……

I walk further on after a short while, the grass under my feet hasn’t been green for weeks now, it’s burnt dry,a burnished gold, it has infact turned to hay….my thoughts go out to the Rabbits,Hares, large grazing animals all who depend on this very same grass for sustenance, although I’m perturbed by the thoughts, I cannot help but enjoy walking there in this quiet wonder that is nature, I feel a small part of it, I move humbly, silently deliberately slowing up my footfall, trees have become silhouetted swaying black shapes, open to catch any evening air, windows from the surrounding houses reflect the sky’s brilliance,

I realise my walks nearing its completion, I’m in no hurry to find myself held captive back behind the four walls, I long prolong the evening(which of course is impossible), walk on longer and remain part of all my surroundings, it’s fluidity, beauty, as I sadly make my way back, I note how calm I feel, that anxiety, edgy sensation of earlier has long gone, depleted, I feel tired, but it’s a good tired, an at ease with not only my self tired, but with my world…..if you get chance go visit with nature a while, let her carry you along with her, open your mind and become one…….take care my friends 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Before we begin anyone expecting me to write something intelligent and profound about those small flying spy cameras on wings, are going to be sorely disappointed 😞, I know little to nothing about them, only they fly😲, and Amazon keep threatening us, to use them for deliveries, ….try as I might I can’t see those annoying little gnat type plane things, carrying those huge boxes containing only cotton buds or a singular spatula(I so love that word, spatulaaaaaaa😃)…. Plus now I think on this how’s the drone going to ring on your doorbell to set your dog off? 🤔.

No this is a story of one battle of wills, (So far I’m not sure that i,m winning, . Last week while going out into the garden to hang out my laundry, I noticed a few more than usual wasps hanging about, near one section of garden I had only just recently cleared., carrying on minding my own business, (I get such a kick out watching my wash blow upon the line, reminds me greatly of my childhood days….

As I walked back slow and dreamily, just enjoying the feel of the warm summer breeze on my skin, my revelry was just about to be shattered, …That tell tale annoying buzz flew within inches of my left ear, .Of course not to be content with this,.the wee devil(a wasp), turned about., only I swear this time I could feel the beat of their wings as it made its second fly passed, ……I know of old not to swipe at wasps, (being told as kids it only agitates them) Agitated them!!!!!! being stung on the backside, as I was at the tender age of five didn’t make me a happy camper either….So I tried my best to ignore my unwelcome visitor, as he dive bombed my head, getting even lower on each return trip, .Seeing I wasn’t giving him any reaction, he decided to go and fetch a few Waspy friends to assist in his endever,. By now even if “he” wasn’t agitated I know I damn well was😒, ….I had visions of being stung many times over, they were by now obviously having a ball, fetching their friends, to see a crazy human, a large lime green laundry basket over her head😁,

Later that afternoon as I walked quietly as I could, tip toeing passed where they had been loitering with by now some intent, …..when I neared the area, I noticed they were now out in larger numbers, (Oh boy I thought to myself, now they had bought their own audience😁, bet they had mini bags of pop corn and sat their kids in the front to get a better view….But what I also took note of, before they promptly began bombing my head, was they were going into a hole under ground😲….For Joy now they had set up home…..And I was about to be the local entertainment..

Please do remember this as we carry on our journey, (I as a pacifist, content to let them live out their little lives in my back yard, we could peacefully coexist right?!!!!!!. Erm seems not, each and every time I walked passed, just wanting to hang out the washing, that’s all I wanted!!!!!!?😲😲😲😲😲, .I swear these guys had sentries posted outside that nest, just standing guard, for me to walk by, waiting…. It seems vibrations set my new neighbours in flight, And no matter how quietly I attempted to walk passed, they knew of my approach.

So I searched Google, that Font of all knowledge for information on wasp nests,. first thing I learnt was wasps this time of year are somewhat angry and dangerous, …do not approach their nest……But what if theres no other choice here?, What if they are picketing your laundry area?, This no help I turn to you tube for information on eviction of wasp tenants….I’m ready to send in the bailiffs, but not sure this will work….🤔, As I read on it seems there’s hundreds of videos on how to send your wasps packing….I watched hours of footage, fast becoming a wasp wrangler expert, ….turns out you can buy spray foams, powders, and many other Cocktails of chemical welfare to rid you of the pests, . I’m not keen on adding more pesticides to the planet, so research natural remedies next.

Seems your average wasp doesn’t like dish washing detergent, …Well I certainly have that!, both in eucalyptus and pomegranate flavours, reading on I learn you need to add peppermint oil into the mix, …..this I also have, adding liberal amounts , because more is always good right?, …This you are supposed to apply later in the evening when your average wasps are all tucked up in their little wasp beds…..I make up the mixture and wait till just before dusk, ….creeping slowly up to the underground hive, my heart racing, ….the video also instructs you to have a clear path of escape to run from the angry wasps, if your discovered, (Anyone actually tried out running a hord of very soapy annoyed wasps) no neither had i).

Luck happened to be with me that evening, there were no wasps within my eye line,. Silently i approached the nest,, making sure nothing was behind me to fall over as I make good my escape, I tip the bottle into the nest, leaving it to drain, I walk away as fast as my legs will carry me, heart still racing, as I do I’m convinced I hear the drone of a thousand infuriated wasp close behind, but there’s not of course,.So i go in, close the Windows, turn off the lights and pretend I’m not in…..I hide under my fleece blanket for at least the next hour, (what do you mean fleece blankets don’t have magical protection powers?, we all know this to be true😁) .

I long to go out at some point that evening and check on the status of the nest, I don’t of course, what I do do is hide, till early the next morning, .where upon I couldnt wait a moment longer, . It didn’t bode well for me, when I note three wasps side by side, drinking from the bird bath, …..as I drew nearer their home, there they all are!!!, flying happily about, only now they are squeakily clean and smelling devine, odour de peppermint filling the air, all I needed to do was play them some Barry White, light a few candles and they would all be in the mood for lurve!!!!!!!!❤😁,sighs back to the drawing board, ……I then read about alcohol , I pour the whole bottle of a cheap Bordeaux down the hole, I swear I thought I heard music thumping out of there the next few nights, ….I tried Cheyenne pepper, curry powder, an onion……don’t ask?, It’s just what I read, but still my wasps persist,only now taking food orders.

Only thing now is they have gotten used to my walking passed to collect my wash, And wether it was my strange concoction of offerings to the wasp Queen, or they just realise after the laundry basket incident, that I’ve run out of party tricks, we will never know, but they no longer bombard my head, So we have reached a cease fire, called a truce , I,m happy to live with their presence in my garden, if they are willing to stop chasing me😁……on reading I have learnt wasps only use their nests once before their winter hibernation, then the queen finds a new nest…..she need not think it’s in here though….do not attempt none of this at home folks…..stay well, stay safe…love from me and the wasps …❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤x

Yes you read that correctly, it was hotter than a hot thing yesterday😁, .I bravely ventured out for a few seconds every hour, on the hour to change the water in the birds bath,. I know drinking hot water is supposed to be good for us weird humans(mainly laced with huge quantities of caffeine infused coffee), but my birds like theirs chilled😁, as do the wee insects, Ive been putting water out for daily,…..the continual climbing temperatures were at best oppressive, just walking from one side of the flat to the other soaked me to the skin, (believe me this place is tiny, so two steps and I was dripping).

I kept the curtains drawn right against the sun most of the day, but the heat and it’s ever climbing temperature was to prove unrelenting, and of course there’s no escaping it, every room and everything felt warm to the touch, . Laying about sipping ice cool drinks is pretty much all you can do…. And believe me when I say i did…

That morning I had washed in cool water which felt glorious on my skin, the same skin just moments previously had felt, (the only way I can describe this is like it was burning, . The effect was only temporary though as once i dried the heat returned, And as the sun peaked the heat only became more intense, climbing to a record 105.,. i am not the best with heat, I must confess, And years ago, the old me would have flown into a blind panic, although this in truth did test my nerves, I think I acquitted myself quite well all things considered, choosing to concentrate on keeping the birds watered, then cleaning out my tower fans, because everyone on the hottest day since records began, turns their fan off to clean it😁,.. I had ordered canned air for this very task, And by placing another fan, turned on behind my tower, blowing the canned air through the slotted vents, it turned out to actually work better than I could have dreamed, I now have one spotlessly clean fan,,, ok I now had one face full of dust bunnies,my hair, t shirt, sofa, floor, tables but least the inside of the fan was clean right!!!?, It’s all a massive learning process this living alone 😁…..

That evening felt even more uncomfortable if at all possible, I felt myself become tired, irritable and dreading trying to sleep, I had three fans on constant, the noise sounding some what like an air craft hanger, filled with old spitfires, propellers spinning, engines droning, . I placed ice in front of each of them in vain hopes of cooling the air they blew, it just melted quicker than I could replace it and did nothing…in the end I soaked wash cloths, put them in the freezer and lay them on my burning legs, it bought some mild relief…

Sleep flirted shamelessly with me, my exhausted eyes stinging, then shutting for mere seconds, those weird mini dreams played, then Bing my eyes flew open, every piece of me touching the sheets felt on aflame, wet and sticky, I gave up on any thoughts of sleep finally after three hours, I lay watching a drama on prime, that and just watching the clock hands spin it’s web of seconds,then minutes,until it came to hours,, a large long legged spider threw huge shadows as she climbed the wall unflinching of the heat, and not caring I was here suffering, heartless I tell yah 😁, every now and again I looked out the window upon the darkened street, hopes of the promised thunder storm fast fading, I eventually lay back down and wether from exhaustion or the heat took over, I fell into a restless sleep….

I woke a couple of hours later, my eyes feeling full of grit, not sure if it was from sleeping with the fans on or lack there of, but I didn’t care anymore…all I knew was I needed coffee, to fling open the Windows and let whatever little air was on offer into my stifling room, I needed to breathe, I needed some form of let up from this endless heat, .that I could do little about, but what I could do, what I could control, was coffee, the kettle clicking on is the most spectacular sound to me,, while I waited for it to boil I threw water over my face,neck and hair, …I looked outside to see if my poor plants had recovered any from the merciless sun, the tiny pink, peach and white heart shaped petals of my impatients had all turned a crisp brown, tomato plants had curled up their dark green leaves, almost like in an effort to escape, lobelia had closed its tiny blue faces and leaves wiltered, I had watered them well, but it seems my plants suffered the heat too, …I felt somewhat appeased this morning, as I see they were beginning to show signs of recovery, smiling at them and assuring them today was going to be ok, I watered them willing them to pull through for me,

Bees, wasps and a butterfly all perched on the lip of my bird bath together, daintily partaking of the fresh cool water I had just changed, differences aside, they didn’t even note my presence as they drank…I hoped the poor birds would come down later, The day before having watched some pigeons panting terribly with the heat, the crows anxious caws filling the air I had found even more distressing, I felt so useless, but did my best with at least providing some cool water..,

As if the constant heat were not enough, Wild fires broke out across parts of Britain and the continent,. Hungry flames leapt upon the sunbleached tinder dry grass, taking homes, fences in one case a complete field of trees, I’m ever hopeful that we will get the much needed and longed for rain, bringing relief for all concerned…look after yourselves my friends and please please stay safe x💛x

Sunday …

For over a week now, we here in good old Blighty land have been warned of the impending onslaught of soaring temperatures coming this way,. And how well do we deal with this,,,, Panic!!!!!, And then we go about emptying the shops of all bottled water😲,.still i suppose that will last a few years, until the next heat wave maybe,. just like the great loo roll gate of 2020 all over again?,. And Like always we talk about it, we just love a good natter on the subject , every conversation begins with it, (after all its what we are famous for so I’m told😁) Some of us like myself like a good moan, weather’s way too hot, too much rain, not enough rain ect… Nothing like a good moan is there? 😁, but mostly we are staunch in our coping methods, despite the temp not reaching anything like this in years, decades more over,. that famed stiff upper lip comes into use and we get on and do it anyway, comes in useful every time. And we do it so very well.

My American friend Joan, having read of our on coming oppressive heat blast, was most curious, how we were going to manage without those great fangled things the “Air con”, tongue in cheek I said we do have it, we call it windows though,. Yes we open up all the windows, pull the curtains shut tight and hide till it’s over….well that’s those of us that don’t want to sunbake, (no that’s not a typo😁) …I know plenty who enjoy slapping on the oil and sitting in the sun till they’re done to a nice crisp, or lobster red…either is not for me,

Monday morning early 😁

I did venture out this morning, at the nice respectable time of 4:30am😁, I wanted to make sure I could feed and water my birds plus the plants, before the sun was at its peak and then enjoy the dawn to myself, there was not a soul about, it’s glorious,. it was at least still cool enough to stand outside for more than a millisecond before melting 😁, I came back in regretfully, lay back down for a while after, relaxing with a cool early morning breeze blowing through the window, I knew later I would be glad of this brief opportunity and making the most of i set to any chores I had while I waited for it to be coffee time…

There is at the back of this flat, a patch of garden where after many weeks of hard work clearing it, (don’t know if you remember that or not), but i can now hang out my laundry, as I’m more than wont to do most days, it’s a kind of badly Paved area,( I put this loosely) the slabs are all coming up, as surrounding gardens have these huge laylandi trees for privacy, the roots seem bound and determined to undermine all the pavement, But least it’s somewhere to string a washing line. Ten o’clock this morning I was out pegging out the laundry, it was already very warm, the concreted slabs absorbing heat under foot,

The what I shall laughingly call a breeze, was blowing hot, hotter than the Sahara, just going out there, the song been through the desert on a horse with no name, played over in my head, the grounds crisp tinder box dry…I looked up into the perfect cobalt sky, not a cloud in sight,And come to that where were the birds?, Not only could I not see them, they were infact unervingly quiet…..everywhere was quiet, no bees buzzing, dogs barking, white feather (my black bird wasn’t watching me hang out the clothes like usual) or swearing at the neighbours black cat…it was deftly silent, (the clothes peg I dropped almost broke the sound barrier as it reverberated hitting the ground…..

I looked up from what I was doing, to see the huge Sycamore tree that’s growing nearby had numerous big pigeons, sleeping in its most welcome dappled shade, protected from the harsh rays of hot sun, and I didn’t blame them either, even the pesky ants were no one to be seen, the forecast is for two more days of this, I’m certain sure that after we are due a massive storm as my head is aching terribly, always does a few days before….before I finish folks please put out water for the birds and insects, it doesn’t have to be a bird bath, just use your imagination to come up with something.I know the critters will be most grateful….And take care of yourselves, won’t say try to stay cool because that’s near on impossible …take care ❤🌹❤

.

As are many of my weeks, this one just so happens to have been equally as strange, or is that stranger than normal I wonder?😁…. Who knows!, one never can quite tell. The beginning actually started out rather well,…So of course I decide to weigh myself like you do,. it was Monday early, dull and grey, plus I had had little to no sleep, My thinking here was, I may as well totally depress myself, right!😁?,. But as I stood on the flat blue glass contraption, the very same one that I curse frequently and have relegated to the deepest darkest, dust bound corners of the unknown universe, (otherwise known as under my bed) I was to be in for a shock😲,. I had actually lost 6lb, ….after looking about to see if there was someone else standing on the scale other than myself, (then deciding no it was me😲).So i got off, then stood back on it again, (soon as it went back to 0 that is)……I repeated this exercise five times in total disbelief, …I moved the scale that has now become my new best friend😁, about the room, then Into a different room, In the kitchen, bathroom, out in the garden, down the park(slight exaggeration), but the weight loss part was in fact true, Jesse was still asleep at this time, I just longed to scream with joy, knock on neighbours doors, tell the postman, who was at my front door(You know I’ve lost 6lb right?)😁, but after a mental lap round the livingroom, crowds doing a standing ovation, I settled for a large celebratory coffee, ….

I’m really excited, as this is to be my last ditch attempt at weight loss, Since the great Covid infection of March 20, (having luckily survived three bouts) I have steadily gained weight, a lot of weight!!!!!…..it wasn’t through eating though… And it seemed so unfair., as I can barely keep any food in my stomach, I mostly settle for one meal in the evenings,. My diets is somewhat restricted, due to allergies….but try as I might in the past months weight had still piled on, ….but it’s now two years since my first Covid infection, finally I saw the evidence before my very own eyes, And i thought i could do this, . After standing back on the scales once more to be certain sure, I accepted the facts as they were, my hard work was paying off, now over two months on a low carb, no sugar diet I have lost in total 26lb….

Each day we like to start off with our coffee and listening to Sky news, . It’s something, when you find out about what’s going on in your own country by listening to American news😲😁, we work this via our video chat …..Over the days the whole Business of Boris as our prime minister, Grew ever more perilous with each new cabinet member resigning,, even i a person who knows little to nothing about the world of politics, (safe in my bubble world) could see this was not good. As much as I’ve never favoured Boris, his resignation made me slightly nervous, Our country is not in the best of positions to be Running without its leader, any leader., Finally after a week long battle he agreed to leave, whose to follow I guess we will find out,This for some reason unknown yet to myself has me anxious ……..

Despite or is that in spite of my joint issues I am trying to increase my fitness levels, which in its turn equates to weight loss,. I walk with a cane locally, there’s a couple of lovely walks across some fields, Most days I struggle, but it is a necessary evil, I’m slow and sit under the shade of a tree if the need arises or I’ve a mind too, which I often do,….The fields are awash with tiny Meadow brown butterflies, their larger cousin the bright yellow Brimstone, or cabbage white, Bees of many varieties hum with activity, swallows dart between roof tops at the back of the field, large black crows strut about almost marching before stopping to peck at the now very rain starved grasses, ..magpie,s cackle up in the breeze swaying trees, the warm air blowing them giving them the sound of waves upon the beach, I sit here quite content most times……that’s until

Thursday evening…..

I had gone for my morning walk around 11am that day, I have to admit I wasn’t really in the mood, I ached and the day promised to be on the hot side, Never the less I achieved my set amount of steps, and after sitting a while walked slowly back home, on my journey to the fields, I had discovered a large Jasmine Bush at the back of some houses, it’s creamy wax flowers warmed by the sun gave off the most intoxicating of scents, the air filled ….I walked back that way hoping no one would be about so I could pick some to take home….I was rewarded for going out of my way, there was no one in sight, I picked a few large stems, holding the tiny perfect flowers to my nose, breathing deeply…..I walked back trying to hide my ill gotten gains, it wasn’t in anyone’s garden, but still 😁, I came home picked lavender, stocks and ivy from my own meagre garden arranging them with care in my small vase,

That evening it was glorious out, Coral skies streaked throughout with lilac, crimson, gold and deep orange, the breeze still warm and soft, again I didn’t want to go far, but the lure was to great…I strolled slowly down the pathways behind the houses., there roses, jasmine, sweethoneysuckle softly swayed and as they did their perfume drifting in the still evening air….I felt myself unwind and allowed mother nature to do what she does best, calm me and unwind my tense body…as I left the paved ground , swapping it for the verges of the fields, I stopped still, it doesn’t matter how many sunsets I’ve seen each is the most spectacular…I breathe, a huge sigh escaped as I did, the richness of beauty filling me with wonder, I stand a while and gaze…..after a while I’m bought back to earth and walk on to the bench that’s always so welcoming, specially to this weary walker😁, . I plonk myself down unceremoniously, content just to watch the sun dip down behind the houses, …..but before I had even sat a moment I heard this weird droning sound, it stopped when something smacked me at the back of my head,

I had a baseball cap on thank goodness, but as I felt behind my head to see what it was, it moved and shot at my face, buzzing furiously, it’s hard shelled body stinging as it hit my skin, the more I tried to shoo it away in vain the more it came at me, it was relentless, and it seems word had got about, it bought friends, before I knew it my shirt, trousers where some sort of attraction, I knew by now what they were…..of course they are Maybugs, (yes it’s July I know, but they dont) the noise they make is loud and annoying, what’s worse is they liked me 😁, I left my sweet idle, driven off by Hords of rampant large hard bodied brown bugs, they may have a cute name, well that version anyhow, the other being a Cockchafer I’m not quite so sure of😁😲😁, ….it seems once a year they congregate on fields like bug Glastonbury, where they bury eggs that hatch into enormous white grubs that eat their way through their body weight in plants and do quite a bit of damage, I wasn’t safe from their attention until I left the field, ….I was glad to reach the safety of my home, the peace of the evening gone, I lay chatting to Jesse until bedtime, convinced I would have bug filled nightmares, one of which was about to come true, as I changed my shirt for bed, out dropped three of these bloody big bugs, must have stayed nestled quietly deliberate on horrifying me some more😁😲😲😲😲😲😲😲, well folks take care of yourselves and night night don’t let the Maybugs bite….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛xxx

It’s been some weeks now since I moved from the bungalow into my small one bed apartment,. I have settled somewhat into a quiet peaceful existence, falling into an easy routine,. I start with a coffee, of course!😁, while the hot water tank in its (Harry Potter) type cupboard home, gurgles, glugs and fizzles it’s way into heating the water over the next hour…..I feed the birds, read my paper and begin the slow task of waking up for real😁……when the water tank has completed its somewhat noisy heating task, the sounds still emitting from behind the closed door, like it is almost trying to communicate in its strange foreign tongue .,.either that or like my blooming stomach begging for food.,. It’s time to get cleaned up, before I get dressed finally, Because going out in your underwear and baggy t shirt is of course frowned upon here abouts,…

The shower hook up thingy we tried to install here for me, takes forever to get going, then at best it only emits a slow trickle or a slight splutter, spurts or nothing at all in most cases just somewhat rude noises….So I have settled on a happy compromise….the shower thing remains left to its own devices,. while I fill up with the now lovely hot water, two large buckets, And using a half cut up drinks bottle, I get into the bath and start dousing myself with the refreshing water, soaping up and lathering, after which I fill two more with fresh water,and rinse, ….sometimes if I feel brave enough😁, I make the water cool, it wakes me up fully and is quite a fresh sort of sensation, (also of course makes my heart race and I catch my breath but that’s all part of the fun right!?😁.

Some would find this a nuisance, a trial even, I actually really like it, and by simply adding a few drops of peppermint oil to the unscented bubbly shower gel infused water, it’s lovely, and i,m left feeling very clean and somewhat sparklified, 😁,.. I have grown to love this part of my day ….once dressed I tidy up anything that needs doing…I have to say over the passed few weeks though I have grown some what bored, unsettled….I had not gone any further than the front of the flat in a while. rarely if ever seeing anyone to talk too, my mental health was if I’m honest beginning to take a downwould spiral as each day progressed …..

One day quite out of the blue, putting on shoes(this is some what a trail, hate shoes) but I had to collect my now freshly emptied rubbish bin from the kerbside , while there I decided to investigate a gap in the hedge that I had noticed just opposite my flat.., Being of a curious nature, I was intrigued, After weeks at home where people went after going through the gap, (did they just disappear of into some other world?,….I needed to know for myself,.. it did feel a little strange after weeks shut cloistered away,. And walking since the great Covid plague of March 2020, was somewhat hard going, But I just felt the need to explore my surroundings a little, …I hadn’t gone too far when a cheerful voice said hello!, I looked up to see a neighbour getting her bin in, A friendly smile and a wave greater me, …I replied, feeling myself break into a smile also, it’s infectious isn’t it ?,(A smile😁) , Just a few steps on and I had come out onto a lovely patch of grass, shaded by huge leafy green trees..the grass covered in doves foraging about, …I followed a pathway which lead down towards the road just up ahead…slowly i covered the ground, crossed the road and no it didn’t lead off into some form of oblivion, no one vanished, But instead it took me under the most pretty leafy canopy of trees, the tops meeting aside the pathway, Dappling the ground beneath my feet, I looked up at a sudden rustling, to see bushy tailed Grey Squirrels frolicking across the tree limbs, bird song filled the air which was fresh after a night of soft summer rain…

Before I realised it, I had walked to the end, I turned and slowly meandering back, enjoying this somewhat brief spell away from my confines, ….After this I decided to check out other places I had seen, on the Sunday following, walking out in a different direction, ..I had no clue where I was going or indeed in fact where I would end up, but it was the perfect day to explore, over cast, cool, and hardly anyone around….I hadn’t walked but ten minutes when I came out upon an extremely large field, walking just up one side I soon learnt that there was in fact two fields, one leading off through a gap in a hedgerow into another…

Over the next week I decided to become better acquainted with the two large most welcome grassy areas….Each covered in while clover, Golden Vetch, Daisies, tiny purple wild Geranium, along the middle of these two fields grows a very well established row of shrubs, heavily Covered flowering Elder, whose almost star burst of white somewhat Blousy flowers fill the air with Musky warm scent, Climbing tall in amongst them are soft Coral pink wild dog Roses, Both pink and white May flowers, Blackberries bushes., there at their feet, red and white Campion grew in abundance, …I had reached a place at last, where I could walk and enjoy nature about me….And while we are speaking of nature, I have been feeding my birds, four times daily since the move here, One bird in particular has grown used to my sitting outside for coffee, This plucky little male blackbird, pecks around in the grass just inches from where I sit, not a care in the world, we have this understanding, I make no sudden movements and he is happy to share my garden with me…..But what’s even stranger and wonderful, is he follows me upon my walks, this Curious little bird flies from fence to fence, leaning forward to see if I’m still following, his tail bobbing almost in annoyance at my slow and ungainly pace…he tsk, tsk tsks, and flaps almost like he expects me to fly….it would be faster I must admit😁,. By now I know your all saying how did i know this is just one bird and not a number of different ones….For one. he comes right close, Two he has a large bald patch over one eye, And Three, he has the most unique call I have ever heard from a Blackbird…..He doesn’t always join me, I have to think that some times he becomes rather bored of waiting for me to catch up with him, But when he does it’s rather fun playing hide and seek with him, spotting his little plump little body about among the undergrowth, Helps make my walk for me….Thank you for reading, take care of you, stay safe 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦

Saturday…

It started out with that odd other worldly kind of morning, one that myself and Jesse seem to alternate with…living a long distance, yet very much together relationship isn’t for the faint hearted or those like myself of a nervous disposition…we are in each other’s company 24/7 via our umbilical cord phone link, we know each other’s little peculiarities, there’s absolutely no privacy, it’s a good job neither of us,Are into picking our noses or scratches bits we shouldnt😁, ….Jesse is often fond of recanting the tale of the first time I fell asleep while on video chat…..(See I snore, I won’t lie, I can’t hide it,it’s what I do, and I have been an expert snorer since early childhood, then it was funny, maybe cute) Now I sound like a Pneumatic drill in a small room with you without any ear protection…I was horrified, thought he would run off on me, Mr puss and Cumsy his dog hot on his heels, But no! , he just likes to tell folks at gatherings, me mortified and ashamed, him getting the laughs 😁. But living this life throws you curve balls, it is odd, strange and hard to put into words,. We are, and feel very much like any other couple, a pair, Married even….yet living hundreds of thousands of miles apart, linked always mentally,But with a huge gulf keeping us from each other physically, as I say it makes for some odd moments..hard to put into words really…

Some days I feel almost dazed, shell shocked, in a wakeful dream state, this was one of those aforementioned, .I had showered, and was quietly sipping my first caffeine infusion for the morning…trying badly to piece together my world, and failing at it dismally, ..Sun streamed through the living room window, a cool soft May morning breeze playfully blowing the net curtains, through a cracked open window,. Jesse was already working on his morning routine, keyboard tapping, email notifications, and the odd expletive😁, just breaking up the peaceful silence….As I took another Gulp of my hot brew, staring out of the window in my daydreaming world, I was bought back to earth by a sudden movement at the open window….my attention now fully drawn to that space, I noted a large wood pigeon, the size of chicken, just staring right back at me, …his curiosity causing his head to tilt side to side…a gleam in his black beady eye…

Not content with just looking at me from his side of the glass, like one nosy neighbour of the past ,he needed a closer look…., almost as if I was some kind of strange exhibit at yesteryear freak show.,. He cheekily poked his head through the gap in the window…looking at me first with one eye, head cocked, the sun gleaming on an iridescent purple patch of plumage, …it seems to me, he couldn’t believe what was there before him,. so turning his head he checks out the scene more closely with his other eye…his whole head by now in the window, not a care in the world, even balancing his beautiful plump dove grey body, on my narrow window ledge didn’t daunt my new friend….when he did slip at one point, he flew back up on top of the nearby house shaped bird feeder, where his patient mate sat waiting…they looked at each other, (I fancied I could almost hear him almost say, ” you,’ll never guess what I’ve just seen Petunia” ….Then as if to be sure, he flew back, his Podgy little body smacking loudly against my window in his ungainly attempt at an impromptu landing…this didn’t bother him, he flapped his wings wildly until a perfect balance was indeed achieved, he shuffled along the ledge as if some long ago trapeze artist…back to have another look, we sat there for some time, looking at each other, me not moving a muscle, him tilting his head to get the best view….I couldn’t believe his cheek until it dawned on me all at once….I hadn’t been out to feed them that morning 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁.

Monday ……

I had put off painting, the what I can only describe as an off white, with blue undertones, badly chipped living room window sill…I had a thousand excuses,the major one was it needed sanding down to remove the very chipped yellowing old white gloss,.this with no sand paper or sander, you could say the excuse was somewhat viable if not legitimate…., Only even after I had indeed purchased said mouse type Sander …I hid it in the dark bedroom cupboard away from view😁, ..(Electrical things bother me, plus I’m clumsy, accident prone at best, And when it arrived days previous, Jesse put a hand up to his eyes, shook his beautiful head and groaned to himself…..Implement of torture waving precariously on my left hand…I ask ” what? ” ….he looks up at me a resided look on his now worried face, ” oh nothing honey” …..But that was days ago, I now had that excuse no more, I had the new shiny tin of unopened white gloss ready, ….But in my defence I had packed up my paint brushes to move….soooooo what’s a girl to do? order some from Asda of couse….they were bringing my shop anyway…so may as well…..Brushes came with the milk, salads, fish, and oooops, (large bag of vegetable crisps) well I needed the extra energy right?, Have to keep my strength up!!!!!!😁,

Brushes now here(tick),paint(tick)Sanding down without even an incident(tick)Veggie crisps(huge fat gorgeous luscious tick)……I had run out of excuses, time to paint ……Moving the curtains to a safe distance, ( who am I kidding), securing the tin of paint, from knocks and spills😁, …paint opened, whisked with an ancient fork😁😁😁😁😁, well it worked!!!!…..I began the tentative job at hand,.I mean I have painted on numerous occasions, but normally I’m the one mostly painted…..But I worked long careful strokes, slowly covering the area, taking into account something the master of the affro, wizard of the paint wand, celebrity of deep calmness, Bob Ross(yes I know he does landscapes, happy trees, and little fluffy clouds) but this was my world and I had heard the long ago word from the paint God…., paint long back and forth strokes with oil paint….not zig zags or side to side,. Forthwith channelling fluffy white snow scenes, I soon covered the area, with no drips, no runs, and more importantly none upon me😁, I left it to dry, Windows open, I hate the smell of gloss paint😒, my head already aching, nose stuffy, but I sat back, with some deep satisfaction at doing a good job, making me smile, I didn’t only do the first coat well, the second was actually better( I know your all shocked right?!!!!!) Its maybe only a small achievement, but it was all mine….I did it and was proud of my somewhat professional finish….

I sat later upon big red( my comfy sofa) a large mug of sweet, hot chocolate goodness in one hand to celebrate, eyes closing, deep in thought…I heard what I thought to be a tapping upon my window, First thought, it’s that blooming pigeon back for more food, . Closing my eyes again I lay back against the firm cushions, relaxing away the day…….Rap Rap Rap! This time more insistent, louder, ……it broke through my quiet revelry, my oasis of still….I looked up and there I saw my next door neighbour through the window….she’s a lovely friendly young girl….now looking slightly troubled, somewhat anxious, she at once apologised for disturbing me, …..I Smile as friendly as I can, the niceties of being around fellow humans a long off thing….And I’m not so sure If i actually smiled or grimaced, ……but I do my best to put my young neighbour at her ease….She garbled out a nervy jumbled sentence, something about Reggie their puppy….And no one to mind him the next day…..it was to be a long day….from 5:30am onwards…..oh boy, ..but find myself agreeing anyhow, but to what though😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

If you have ever had a puppy or young dog, you know all too well it’s something akin to sitting a hyper two year old on a chair for hours, feeding them every preservative or E number know to man kind….then letting them loose….I’ve been fortunate or is that unfortunate to have had countless experiences of raising puppies….(I survived Justttttt!!!!!!!)…. I agreed to watch Reggie for the day…who wouldn’t,? because despite it all I miss having dogs about me, puppies are just so bloody adorable, yes they pee, they poop everywhere, including in your best shoes😁, they chew every sodding thing in the surrounding area…including your fingers…..they yip loud, yap louder…..but when those huge eyes look into mine…..I’m overtaken by maternal instinct, I’m ready to defend the little(Sod) dear with my life, I melt……So I agree to rise at the crack of dawn, I’m going to have to put on real adulting clothes and take care of Reggie pup…. It seemed such a good idea at the time folks!🙄.

I actually wake up at the unearthly time of 4:30am Tuesday Morning…it’s light out, (just), Normally this is would be the time I’m going to sleep, but here I am, I would like to say wide awake but that’s doubtful….but I’m trying hard to do some kind of poor imitation of it anyhow……I make my coffee strong enough to strip off the paint I had so carefully applied the day previous, ….head pounding, I know the best thing is to keep moving, if I don’t without a doubt I’m going to lay back down and just Sleep….but that’s out of the question…, I wash, dress and down more scalding coffee,(no thought, that within minutes I’m going to have one bundle of fireball energy on my hands and I’m going to have to either leave him trashing my living room like a heavy metal Group in a hotel room or hold it..forever!!!!…..it’s early I can’t think at all!!!!!!!😁,

There’s the long awaited knock, .I open the door, to a very flustered puppy mum, thanking me profusely, over and over, before I had even done anything…..(I’m confused, worried even, is there something I should be concerned about here?) in her some what over laden arms, are pillows, a large container of dog treats, puppy biscuits, assortment of chews, bowls, puppy milk, toys, in fact enough food for two puppies for at least the month, but last but least I’m handed a little black bag of something that doesn’t smell the freshest …..she smiles and proceeded to tell me Reggie is being fed fresh raw meat….(my minds instantly thinking this isn’t quite so fresh😝,….before anything else is said, in comes her partner, holding a wriggling bundle of chubby puppy…….I can already tell this is going to be fun,. his handed to me, his warm little body instantly calming, his turning his head, his long raspy tongue going ten to the dozen smothering my face in delightful puppy breath kisses, And it is a delight…memories of my own dogs as puppies flood to mind, I’m instantly taken back, and his parents are now leaving, calling back I love you to the squirming bundle, and it’s obvious they do,, now we are alone …..

I close the door behind them and put my young charge for the day on the floor, …he immediately does a puppy reconnaissance…..sniffing every last inch of the floor, I begin that age old thing all puppy parents do….watch! And hold my breath……where will he Pee first?……But his too busy running, dashing up and down, tail wagging furiously one end, nose to floor the other……I sit down instantly tired, just from watching him, my head moving back and forth like someone at a Wimbledon tennis championship, this goes on for thirty minutes….back n forth, up and down…..I pull out toy after toy like a manic magician…..fluffy pink pigs, pink rope toy, balls, and chew hides, my floor is smothered in anything a dog could want in no time,……well not this dog…watching this endless energy, I’m not sure whether to contact the national grid or start eating raw food myself……his energy is boundless, and mine has left the building just watching him at work…..

Within an hour, (yes a whole hour) Reggie finally finds his pillows, Flops somewhat exhausted on to the nearest and sleepsssss,!, His sweet little snorts, grunts and grumbling filling the air…And I follow his lead and catch a brief nap while the going is good…..the moment he wakes my years of training, have me up, shoes on, his lead on him and out the door….It’s cold outside still, in fact you can see your breath in the air, And there we are, walking up and down in long wet grass, Everything is interesting, new, wonderful to my puppy friend, except for peeing……we chase leaves, play with twigs, watch birds fly, walk around in circles, wrap your leash about the human legs countless times, anything but pee…..by now the large mugs of coffee are working and if this puppy doesn’t pee soon I’m gonna…..I stand legs crossed, just praying to the Pee gods(his not mine)…..it works finally!!!And he goes, I congratulate my little companion, fussing over this wonderful achievement, then run in the house, puppy running not far behind…….I get in the bathroom, sit,. close the door ajar behind me….when bang!!!!!, In charges sir,…All perfectly natural of course…..everyone wants to be watched by a puppy head cocked on one side right! ….🙄😁

The day was I would like to say fun packed…And to the most it was, never a dull moment, from finding his reflection in the heater glass and bravely keeping us safe from the beast within, to his back chatting when I told him chewing up my carpets was not permitted, indeed frowned upon, …I spent the day mainly running out at any moment’s notice, waiting on that elusive Pee, …for the first time in an age although I was tired, it was a good tired, a happy tired…Reggie Sat on my lap at every opportunity, his warm little body pressed close, I felt needed, amused, and enjoyed his company…Even Jesse said he knew from my voice I had loved every minute of my day with young Reg…..At 7 that evening he went back to his parents, they were most pleased to be reunited….to have their family complete….I at once felt bereft, the house silent, empty…..all that remained of mine and Reggies day, were bits of chew treat strewn across the carpet, a couple of toys I given him, lay like ghostly reminders of my tiny friend….later I could hear him barking as he played next door, he was happily back with his parents, as indeed it should be, but it was also a sad sound for me as I knew I would miss him, even miss his stinky botty burps and foul smelling food, that night as I went to the bathroom, I waited, fully expecting the door to fly open and him stood tail wagging, which of course it didn’t,, my house lay all at once silent, still and empty, I hated clearing away the toys later that night, it was a sad reminder of my own dogs, but for all that I had enjoyed my small friend for the day…take care my friends.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐕🐕🐕💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕💜💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹💛💛💛💛💜🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛 …….

This is my third attempt at writing this, first draft was just not turning out how I envisioned, somewhat rubbish,,Second the words just wouldn’t behave, it just would not fit what I wanted to get across……This is my third and the very last attempt at a subject close to my heart, probably the reason doing this is proving so hard, but If it doesn’t look right, I’m giving up ….nah i,’ll just leave it for another day…

Saturday

I woke up early, to what was the most beautiful sunny spring morning, sky was that light cobalt blue, not even a whisper of a cloud in sight, the Forecast was for the same, all day, And so I had now run out of anymore excuses as to why not pot up the fast growing plug plants..I had to pass them each time I went out to feed my birds,or hang out the laundry. And I swear they sit up that bit taller and wave their tiny leaves in the breeze more, making me feel guilty for their sad neglect, I hung my head in shame as I passed them, quickly, very quickly, .trying hard not to note their tiny roots bursting out the tops of their little plastic cells, I turn and look their way just once, muttering ” I’ve watered you havnt I, “” what more do you want” ?😁, .I came in to sit with my first coffee of the day, it’s always the best and sip the warm roasted smooth brew slowly,eyes closed, appreciatively,. I’ve thrown open the Windows by now, for that fresh morning air to clear away yesterday’s funk…As I sit, waiting for the sweet morning hit of caffeine to reach my still sleep befuddled brain..I realise I’m at the bottom of the cup, My heads still muzzy, and unless anyone knows of a brand of coffee that comes in a slow fed industrial strength throughout the day, then I’m on my own🙄, ….Everything including myself, moves in slow motion, wading through molasses speed…I can’t string a thought together, let own speak, have use of real words….

But despite this growing morning Malaise,. I can’t rest, I feel deeply guilty, (those poor little plants) it’s almost as if they were capable of some weird sort of telepathy, getting through to my sleepy brain, with special plant powers. (I’ve seen day of the triffids I know what they can do,.they may look all sweet and blossomy, but we eat their fruit, pick their flowers, their plotting revenge, I know it😁😁😁😁😁, . So the usual routine of another one or two hot cups of nectar from the coffee bean gods is out, …No I go back outside, plonk myself down without much decorum upon the red front tiled step and with a sigh,. look about me for where to begin that mornings gardening fun…First I cut a cross, deep into the middle of a large bag of Miracle grow compost, it’s with some perverse satisfaction I do it too,😁 (I’m really not in a gardening frame of mind, those gardeners amongst us know what I’m saying). My body is still sore, my shoulder had gradually slipped out of its socket over course of the night, my knees ached, creaking and snapping each time I moved, all I had really wanted to do was take some pain meds and lie back down and wallow in my misery…but living alone there’s always things to be done( no time for woe is me), you only have yourself to rely upon…(And these plants unfortunately would not!!! no matter how clever I thought they were plant themselves….

I tried using an old plastic plant pot to scoop out the compost, from its bag…this was indeed a lost cause, instead of neatly transferring the soil from bag to tub, I transferred it over the step, beside me, the pavement, front porch and myself, only a small amount actually landing in the intended garden tub…there was only one thing for it…I was going to have to lift that blooming bag of compost and shake it soundly into the waiting tub…ungainly I managed to get up from my sitting position on the step, grabbing the opened bag, lifting it up, my shoulders protesting,. I hurt, ached and if it wasnt for the fact I had by now promised myself I would get at least one tub planted up, I would have given up right there, (And my stubbornness means I really hate giving up once my minds set). So I carry on, as I do though I discover its not easy to both hold a large bag of heavy soil in two hands, while shaking said content into waiting tub….I just want to get it done, I’m in no mood for messing with it, grumbling to myself I manage to shake small amounts into the pot, not just the pot though, it’s going everywhere but actually, including my bare feet….

After many attempts, I do finally manage to fill the tub, I plonk down the remainder of the now half empty bag, relieved all at once of its weight upon my aching shoulder… sitting back down, I begin the tiresome job of potting on….I’m not getting the usual enjoyment from it, it’s half hearted, tiring, but getting done…I promise myself if I get just one pot planted up, I can go in and have another coffee, So I work on…popping out tiny Impatients, Bright purple Verbena, and leafy lobelia from their green plastic cell homes into the now sun warmed compost filled tub, I work methodically, big plants to the centre, smaller to the outer edges, …I’m finally getting into the task at hand, I’ve forgotten I’m outside my flat in my Purple polka dot pyjama bottoms …(it’s my thing see), if my joints are hurting, trousers just expound the issue For me,, for some reason having anything around my legs just pull and makes the pain increase….Pjs are usually soft stretchy fabric, that give with any movement, …So there I am, chatting to my plants, as I dig them in, I barely take note of the car pulling up in front of the house opposite …so engrossed was I at the chore in hand. Then I hear a voice, “There she is, my new neighbour gardening” ” Exasperated voice rose” still in her Pyjamas “. .then as if realising I may just have heard, she makes a point of coming over….maybe to get a better look, or she has Purple PJ envy…whatever it is, she’s glaring…

And I’m torn between explaining my dress code, and growing anger inside of me….I had been in more pain than usual, (pain is no stranger) I was born with it, EDs, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome…it has meant pain since early childhood, one illness or another, never having good health….but since the Great Covid plague of 2020, my issues were only compounded…each days a struggle, some far worse than others…and today had been one of those, I’m soaked through to the skin in preparation, having hardly done anything, feeling sick with pain, but not wanted to give into it, I push my body till it makes me give in…I stay polite, friendly, as we do than usual small talk, ” the lie that trips so easy off my tongue, oh yes I’m fine, settling in well, ” I smile, no one wants to hear it, who wants to know about the pain, dehydration from endless stomach issues, chest pain, and feeling like poop..!!!!…So curtains rise, and I’m on stage…smiling, laughing…but inside I want them to go, because this lie may be little but the exhaustion is huge…Soon as my neighbour walks away I long to go back in the flat…lock the doors, close the Windows, hide…guilt wrecks me, it’s 12:30pm and I am still in Pjs, all be it clean ones, but I feel lazy, useless, it eats into me, So I complete my tub and go back inside…

All day its playing on my mind, going round and round in my head, I don’t go outside, no more for that day….I,m made to feel ashamed, I long to knock on my neighbours door, And explain about the EDs, long Haulers, justify myself, ….but I stop myself in time, because all my life, I’ve put this act on, that I’m alright,, I’m doing well,. when really inside I’m hurting…from early childhood, And the Physical Ed teachers pushing me to take part in sport, my mother thinking I was clumsy, lazy, lacking education, …The truth is my illness is not written on the outside, there’s no tell tale signs, I keep my bowed knees covered, the bent out of shape ankle, indeed to the world well….I’m just that, ok!….

Since this my neighbours throw away words have had a profound effect on me, …inside my head is a turmoil, ..once again I hate the fact I wasn’t born ” normal” I cannot do what others take for granted…I do my best though, always pushing myself, I feel instantly for the thousands of us that exist with silent illnesses, hiding behind that lie of a smile And the words “oh me yes I’m fine” …because what else do you do?…So if you see someone working outside in their favourite purple polka dot pjs, it’s most likely me, and I make no apologies for it, because if it’s that or me staying locked away in my house, then it’s pjs all the way…..Thank you for your time reading, to all my fellow invisible illness sufferers I wish you not to many pain filled days, send you love and understanding, And to all, take care of you …❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤x

I have already been at my new address now a month. (I know😲. And that’s gone so very fast.) It has taken a while for me to feel somewhat settled and at home, but that’s not really any surprise, after all the drama of finding somewhere to move too! Rent issues and unpacking the myriad of boxes it seemed only just yesterday, I managed packing up. Although I like my smallish and some would say Bijou flat (remember that 70s word😁) which indeed has its quirks, foibles, oddities… for instance there is one cupboard door that opens up the wrong way and smacks loudly against the kitchen wall every time I need something from it. Then there’s the small four foot tall cupboard space that tapers down into a long triangle at one end, this is in my bedroom. And I’m quite sure that it wants to kill me. (No, I promise you… it really does! Since being here I’ve smacked my head on an almost hidden shelf in this pitch dark recess numerous times now… it’s also back breaking getting in there in the first place, even for my diminutive 5’2” height.) Lacking of storage space makes putting things away a novelty, but essential and I’m becoming very inventive, if not obsessed these days.

But despite its flaws, it’s crazy lay out, I’m bonding with my new home. It has got some lovely features, like it’s wonderful quietness. I never until recently knew I valued peace quite so much until the last three weeks. My living room window affords a beautiful view of the sun setting in the evenings and, as it does, I hear the blackbirds singing their evening song before they roost. This tiny Cul-de-Sac takes on a lovely sense of calm and tranquillity, a hush. Dog walkers have walked their dogs by now for the night, neighbours finished chatting outside their houses, traffic noise seems far off, distant from us. And, as darkness moves in and envelopes the quiet street, everything seems to hunker down and settle in. Likewise I follow it’s lead. A lit table lamp sets a warm glow about the room, my fake coal heater flickers and glows. I’ve eaten dinner, then calmness follows.

This week my friend Debbie appeared out of the blue (or at least via the front door anyhow,😁) wanting to know if i would like to go out for an hour. I gratefully grab at these rare opportunities, as they are indeed somewhat few and far between. Plus I do enjoy her company. She has a sense of fun, a joy for life and one can’t help but leave your troubles, concerns behind when with her. We mostly do a shop, but after, we like to make free at any local garden centre… gardening being a shared interest, a big passion for us both. Tuesday I bought way too many plants. They all just seemed to want to come home with me, never mind I’ve no garden, indeed I’ve only room for a few pots😁,

We always laugh about just how much we cram into her tiny Nissan Micra, it’s boot already heaving with a food shop. We then precede to fill the back seat, which, in no time, is covered by one rather large and unruly Fuchsia bush, trailing Lobelia, some sweet scented stocks and there’s, of course, the obligatory three large bags of compost I just had to have. Giggling away about that days treasures, we head to the nearest coffee shop to discuss the week and our future garden plans.

When we arrive home, we empty the poor car 😲 (I swear at times I hear it groan with immediate relief). From there on we decided on doing some investigation into what is called somewhat loosely a communal garden. (We only think the communal gardens! 😁 We know for certain there is some somewhere.) We are just not a hundred percent where yet. There’s this patch that I can see from my bedroom window that looks to have been a beautiful garden at some point, full of mature, hardy bedding plants, largish shrubs and, though it’s somewhat overgrown, bedraggled even, it could be nice with some love. Then offset just to the right is, or was, what I can only presume to be a shared washing area. I’m not just good at guessing by the way or tapping into residents past, 😁 someone, at one point, has strung out three strands of green nylon washing line. It looked old and neglected, as did the concrete based surrounding,

From every crack, gap in the fence sprouted great thorny bowed arms of brambles. Not only did they hang at eye level over the fences, they snaked along the ground, each thorn as long as needles, ready to impale you at any given moment. Sycamore saplings, bi-coloured strands of ivy, the largest dandelion leaves I’ve ever come across, spire-like foxgloves, blue periwinkle and, of course, nettles… lots of nettles. The day was dull, damp and dreary which only added to make it seem somewhat depressing and sad to see the small garden so neglected. Rubbish was hiding under thickets of weeds, beer bottles of parties past rolled by somewhat ghostly. But I, at once, with my gardener’s heart, could see it much much differently. Here with care, some tending, maybe a little patch of Eden could spring to life… an oasis where the brambles now waved menacingly in the May breeze. As we walked away, I already knew I found a much needed project, something to breath life into. It was going to prove hazardous, if not dangerous, in places, but the challenge called my name .

That afternoon I took my coffee and phone with Jesse in his video chat land, to sit out on the front step of my flat. Debbie has given me several large down-filled purple cushions which make the somewhat hard step comfortable. I sat enjoying the warmth of the early May sun, sipping my drink, plans for my garden project fresh in my head. The flat and new area grew on me. No one seems to bother me. I can sit here in my silence, taking in the birds who flock to my feeder which I’m now having to fill several times daily. (Word has got round from a little bird. 😁) One large blackbird family in particular are regulars… little cheeky sparrows, noisy bands of boisterous starlings, fly in also. But one visitor in particular already has me intrigued. He’s a young Grey Squirrel, brave enough to sit at the end of my path, tail flicking back ‘n’ forth, just watching me as I did him. He looked at me almost expectantly, head jauntily cocked. (So guess who will be adding nuts onto this week’s shopping! 😁) We go on eyeing one another curiously. Then along came the enraged sparrows who, by now, consider my bird table their territory, swooping down low at his head, making several bypasses to warn him they meant business, then actually skimming the top of his head to leave him in no doubt. My new found friend, with a last look and an irritated flick of his bushy tail, was off… these pesky birds were trouble.

I have now began work on the abandoned clothes line area, somewhat tentatively in the beginning… didn’t want some angry neighbour feeling I was stepping on anyone’s toes. The day was warm. Light winds kept it bearable. I found I enjoyed the task immensely, cutting back the brambles that were armed with huge needle daggers and not afraid to use them. Within half an hour, I ached, but had made huge headway… my garden bin filling up fast, but it was satisfying to see where I had been. That afternoon I left notes in my new neighbour’s letter box, explaining what I was about, inviting them to lay claim if it belonged to them or they wanted anything. One neighbour arrived later that day, making it clear that no one had been near the garden in some time and if I wanted to use to go ahead. And I have.

Who knew that I had needed this wild, untamed and abandoned piece of neglected garden, almost, I would say, as much as it needed me. I would love it back into its former glory, leaving intact some of the climbing ivy, trailing passion flower I unearthed, pink flowering gooseberry, foxgloves, and cotton Easter whose berries will be a much needed feast for my bird friends come the winter months. My arms bloodied by the rampant, thorny bramble, even poking through the thick leather gloves I had hated so much wearing, I could only work in small bursts… spells of ten minutes. Muscles I hadn’t used in a while aching, sweat forming beads on my face and scalp. I was sore, scratched to hell, filthy and tired, but seeing this progress felt good. I straightened up somewhat gingerly and surveyed around the perimeter. A good hours work! I knew I would pay dearly for my endeavour, but I didn’t care, my labors had emptied my troubled heart and mind. I felt hungry for the first time in weeks, but what was best I had plans, MY plans. Enjoy your day my friends and take care of you. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌹x

I have this Story, one that ive longed to tell for some time now, The only thing is i wish I could document it with the correct descriptive wording that I know it so fully deserves, ney, needs,. Never before have I wished so much to own the gift of a words, that know how to impart fully and to its up most the story of three of the most remarkable therefore special souls, Who each came one by one into my life, changing it irrevocably,.. .But I vowed to do my level best to tell their stories, in thus doing, bringing them somewhat back to life, .I there for hope, I don’t miss lay some of its importance, expressing the love and joy in the telling, …. First I must go in time, time travel back to that very beginning,Some nearly thirty odd years previous,The early 90s, (before the millennium, twin towers, when Google was in its infancy, and children still played outside) A time when my three children were young,and though we didn’t know it yet, our lives were about to change forever. My youngest son Andrew, who at that time would have been just over four years of age,.he was bright, full of curiosity, And lead me a merry dance as young children do, late April as we rushed about, preparing a birthday party for him and his cousin, Andrew had the most horrendous accident, one that to this very day,,, Still very much haunts us both., There times to this day when I close my eyes to sleep the flash backs begin, If hear young children scream even in fun, My will heart race and I relive each and every moment, i hear his screams over and over…, the day replays, the sights, sounds and smells…. How many times we nearly lost him in the weeks that were to follow, .. Just like many mothers that have gone before me….I would walk out of my house,, stand in the local fields that surrounded us, look up skyward and plead with my God to save his,Made my poultry offer of mine in its stead, if need be take me., but leave him to grow up, as it should be, parents should never have to lose their child… I Prayed endlessly to Any God, I thought would listen,even those that wouldn’t… And wether it was prayer or medical intervention, Andrew did indeed survive, he had the scars, but he was at least back home, healing, back among us, his family…..that should have been the end of it, life should have returned to normality, but he wasn’t to be the only one to have scars it seems…..

Some weeks later, when it was all over and while walking the children to school on a beautiful summer morning, I felt this huge bang dead centre of my chest…then a strange fluttery sensation, My head spinning, leaving me feeling, the only way I can describe it as weird and somewhat disoriented…..I stood motionless there on the street feet planted firmly, almost frozen still, it passed, then I went about my day, thinking no more of it…… Over the weeks and months that followed, these attacks not only grew in severity, but indeed frequency, …I began to dread leaving my home, (Scenes played out in my head, horrors like what if I fainted, what if I died outside, leaving my children alone by a roadside, in danger,!) I tortured myself daily with what ifs, setting off events that lead to panic attacks, anxiety, to such an extent i just stopped even trying to go out, ..I lost a job, one I loved, my liberty and alongside it all self respect ….This was to go on astonishingly, for yet another 10 long years, I didn’t set one foot over my door threshold, People actually didn’t think I even existed, ten years of sheer agonising over how I would ever get any form of a life back, not be a burden on my family, friends, those I loved, watching the years pass from my perch of my bedroom window.

My children grew up with me living day by day on my nerves, depression, severe agoraphobia, hating being alone in the house, yet at the same time also not able withstand anyone visiting us either…….Now lets move along some years, Here is where the story begins, After the heart breaking death of my much loved German shepherd Wolf,. Our other dog Murphy(A rather bouncy, white Boxer staffordshire mix)Went into a sharp and rapid decline, life just slowly ebbed out of him, he showed no interest in being his normal playful self, the trickster, clown, I long for him to get into mischief as he had previously….over the months i actually was convinced infact if i didn’t act fast, We would lose him too,(this was unthinkable)So I took the rather drastic step after a long heart felt search,. Some months on, I bought home another German shepherd, a ten week old puppy …..Murphy loved him from the minute I placed him on the floor in front of him, to Greet….it was a bond that would go on to no no boundaries, that puppy was our Marley…..

Marley ….

Just like his predecessor Wolf, was to become my shadow, he watched my every move, followed me everywhere…Even as a puppy he wouldn’t leave my side for a second, …People were to later remark on it, just how close we were….it was only then that I realised, I had a huge decision to make, (A tough one for me) if I was going to be fair to this new arrival, I had to take courage and leave the confines of home for the first time in years.., He would need walking, training, socialising, Veterinary trips, And this was my responsibility, ( Our Murphy being the happy soul he was, would walk with anyone, As long as he went out, he didn’t care who with or how frequently) But Marley was a dog of a very different colour, he refused to leave the house with anyone but myself, We tried often for his sake, but he was to remain steadfast in this, I was his human and if I didn’t go out, then why should he…..And by jingo he never did either, Over the months that followed, I had got to the point, I could walk locally up and down a long alley that ran the length of our street ,with either Marley or Murph….it became our little thing…..I still couldn’t stay in the house alone though, but small steps lead to me at least improving, seeing some daylight,. Marley became my shadow, climbing up onto the sofa and laying across my lap during panic attacks, no easy thing considering the size of him,(he was called the monster by his vet, for his size and strength alone) but his presence bought me great comfort, his protection and warmth soothing away fears, he taught himself from very a young age to watch out for any slight different behaviour, then keep his eyes on me until it passed…he was intuitive, And I learnt to trust his instincts …

Willow……

Willow came into my life also at that perfect moment, a moment when I had became very ill with breast Cancer, (it funny like most of our dogs they happened along at the most opportune of moments, entering our lives when we were indeed most vulnerable) …He was born a surprise lone Jack Russell puppy, to our friend,s dog, ….The moment I heard of his birth, I knew I wanted him to be part of our family, can’t tell you to this day why….not sure I will ever know really…but as sick as I had become during my Chemo treatments,. Instinctively I knew, this small, scrap of fluff should be mine,.. Some could and maybe should, say it was a fool hardy undertaking,Others somewhat selfish, But that moment the warm little bundle of white fur went into my arms, I felt a fresh new rush to fight,… hope within my sick body slowly grew…..And along with Willow a puppy depending on me fully for his every need, How I fought…..My heart had been irreparably damaged by the Chemotherapy, that was to go on,to save my life,. but all the while I never lost sight of what I wanted….. From the day we collected him, Willow had taken to laying each and every night either on my chest or above my head, all while that I slept….he never left me, him close one side of me and Marley as big as he was, cramming himself into the tiny gap beside my bed and the wall, both every watchful, …..Murphy as much as he had loved me also, he was my son’s dog…..these two were indeed good family dogs, but I was their human, Marley checking on me several times in the night, a huge wet nose smooshed into my face, eyes staring unblinking until I reached across and caressed his big broad fluffy head, that satisfied him, I was indeed ok, he sank back down on the floor with a huge sign and resumed sleeping……

Just a few years on from this, We sadly lost our Murphy to the brain tumour, that had been growing steadily over the five years since losing his friend Wolf, Even with Marley and Willow for company, he was never quite the same happy dog,Dogs grieve just as we do, never fully recovering, hurting just as much as I had myself,….We swore we would infact from then on just remain with the two dogs, Marley and Willow….we were a happy little band…..or thought we were that was until one Saturday morning……

By this time I had worked hard to make huge progress with leaving the house, this was aided after yet another long illness put me in hospital for some weeks and having very invasive surgery, After a month for recovery i could now go out in a car or a taxi, Struggling somewhat still with walking outside though, but least I finally saw family, friends and left my four walls, ….That fateful Saturday we were visiting family…In a darkened, quiet, flat laying asleep was a little black and tan curled up in a ball like figure, He didn’t even make the effort to get up to greet us, or look our way even come to that ,just raising one tan eyebrowed eye at these strangers entering his home…, then ignoring us still further, Not to be put off, I went over picking up the small lifeless pup, Sat him on my lap, cuddling his warm lovely puppy smelling body close into me, If I could have left right there and then with him under my jacket I indeed would have done so….but he wasn’t mine…he tolerated my attentions gracefully, but there was no bond, no instant knowing, like I had with any of my other dogs…..there in the very next moment, stood a lady, someone I had never previously met before,. And In her arms lay a rather plump red puppy, his coat so unusual, almost like burnished copper, this pup looked almost knowingly at me..I him, And a link was forged, a link just like Marley before him, willow also….I found these words, is he needing a home leaving my lips….Before I couldn’t stop them, And he was in my arms, kicking my face, from that moment on ……

Kaito….

We took Kaito home, and although his was to be Luke, my son’s dog, he settled immediately into our home, Marley taking him under his wing, And my second in command when it came to teaching this boisterous red devil his manners, without his aid this would have been far more difficult, Kaito being a Rottweiler, Ridgeback mix, was uber intelligent, quick to learn, but also extremely strong willed, stubborn….He was different from any dog that I had ever lived with, almost like an unwieldy teen…he defied me, pushed me to my limits, but we never gave up….he was ours, part of the family…And so my pack formed….

Marley as I have already mentioned was my second in command, I gave the rules, he enforced them, the whole time, eyes on me, questioning, Is this right? , this What you wanted?, He was the eldest, with his size and muscle, neither willow or Kaito argued this…If I wasn’t there they looked to him, . We had a flow, a synergy, Moved like one entity, I would go on to joke, they never went on to become part human, as most dog owner do, instead they taught me subtly to become part dog….I watched how they responded to each other, their movements, little flickers of their eyes, ears, sounds, I had the most wonderful and unique opportunity to study pack life…And they integrated me into it over the months,

The two larger boys Marley and kaito, Were the watchers, guards, if one slept the other wakeful, responding to every little sound…if I was awake all three slept, I watched over them,….They ate all three together, Marley first, Willow next, then Kaito, never bickering over food, toys or my attention, they seemed accept Willow was the lapdog anyhow, sniffing him as he lay curled up on my lap under the blanket early in the morning…we rose at four, before the sun climbed, before dawn and we all moved downstairs in the dark,. Even on the coldest of winter days, I sat with the back door wide open, curled up under fleeces to read, Willow there on my lap, the big lads curled in balls at my feet…this was our time of the day, if I moved, we all moved…still suffering with Anxiety I left the house rarely, only to shop or walk them on a close local field…we lived 24/7 happy in one another s company…I found I was never lonely, Therefore for some reason not needing, the company of my fellow humans, I had my pack, them me…..

If I did leave them to go shopping, or on some rare occasion, I felt odd, disjointed, lost somewhat….humans became strange, I didn’t feel any connection now, at odds with my own race….they moved fast, their voices harsh, and I couldn’t read them, ….with my pack, I had their unquestionable loyalty, they always had my back, I never for one second had reason to doubt this, ….Humans could be cruel for no apparent reason, dogs never did this….in living amongst my dogs, they taught me a whole new language, a way of life, but in order to live like this, I had to lose my own…and did with an ease, a willingness. I didn’t understand humanity now anyhow, what I did understand was life within my dog family.On coming home, They all greeted me with series of high pitched yips, and excitement, leaping and jumping, fetching of toys, ..I took time to greet each after a few moments…we settled back to normality,

As the years fled by, I didn’t just reside amongst the dogs, I learnt from them, the way they integrated among each other, their strengths, loyalties, love, it really was unique, and one i am convinced I will never have the chance or opportunity to witness again….I didn’t just learn from these wonderful dogs, I grew in strength, trust an ability, soon I had to spend a number of days in the house alone….take into account just years previously this would have filled me with terror….I was of course nervous, but after the first hour, the dog picking up on my anxiety, they calmly lay about me, and within all this sense of peace, ease, I too settled back down….we went about the day as normal, they were a little more protective, reacting to noise from outside more, investigating every sound, keeping an eye on my movements….I have to say after the initial fear, I enjoyed the us, my time working as the team, the flow of pack life.

Each dog I walked alone, it was their chance to have my full attention, it went on a certain pattern Marley the eldest, my second, always first out, then willow, last but not least kaito…each dog enjoying being with me, I taught the certain commands by sign…tapping my chest meant sit and stay, a raised hand meant lay, tap by my eye meant watch me….it went on, they were quick and watched for new commands from me, these were vital at times, for if I suffered an anxiety attack and couldn’t breathe, they became even more attuned for signals, ….my faith in our small merry band was total, I believe theirs likewise…So my anxiety lessened over time, I cannot begin to explain the relationship, it’s one most would struggle to understand, but would I do know…I opened my heart and mind to live amongst my pack, I have never been the same since, I’m convinced I was taught far more about humanity from three dogs, than my own human family, the tightness of bond, trust, relationships, loyalties, love….Sadly over the years each left me, little willow first, his last hours spent alone in our unit, curled tight up on my lap, before he left I whispered I love you, And will come and find you….that’s a promise I aim to keep, one signed by our love and trust ……Marley was next, his huge size and strength eventually going against him, his legs giving out on his sixteen year old body….It took an hour for the vet, and enough medicine to knock out a small pony to get him to finally leave me….fighting it all the way…the last words he heard in his huge radar ears were, I love you, but it’s ok, your watch is over…..his head flopped, eyes dulled and he drifted away….I heard his foot step behind me no more….a light left that day….piece of me went with each dog….that left just Kaito….big strong Red kaito…..I wasn’t there when he passed, I couldn’t whisper the words I had longed to, he never felt my hand on his head, as the others had, but I’m convinced our bond let him know….now there’s no pack…

And I feel naked, lost and alone without them, I foolishly search for their qualities each dog had, in my human brothers and sisters, course it fails, dogs like myself love unquestionably, fully, bravely without caveat, there’s no price attached to their loyalty, it’s just there….dependable, forever, and that’s a trait few humans have learnt yet…..I grew up in a family of many…but it was to be my pack family that taught me most….it was priceless and a love I can never repay…..for Marley, Willow and Kaito….There are no boundaries, there is no time limits, there’s no place you can go that I can’t find you…..until then …..I love you….