Author: Theresa Cole

I am a Brit who has travelled a long and arduous path to get to where I am. My adventures have been sometimes surreal, sometimes hilarious, sometimes heart-wrenching, but I am a survivor and a fighter. I will not let life keep me down. I have been lucky enough to have found love with the gentlest, kindest, most loving man I have ever known. After all I have been through we found each other, fell madly in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together with him making me laugh continually. We share a wicked sense of humour and this is what I hope to bring to my humble attempt at blogging. So sit back and follow the exploits of Cumzi, Jesse and myself as we navigate this manic thing called life and fight our addictions to Wendys, Tim Hortons and chicken parm at Buca di Beppo.

Reposeful under the Sapphire sky.

On waking yesterday, I had pretty much already decided that it was more than time for me brave elements, and with it the great outdoors once again….In truth it’s been weeks since I have walked, Slowly slipping in hibernation mode, the warmth and allure of my soft fleece blankets, good books , endless weeks of rain only aided and abetted my indolence, ..it’s so easy to fall into that Patten, one day becomes two, a week, month, until your left looking out of a window, saying to yourself oh yes that’s what it looks like, fine done that and go about your business😁, both myself and Jesse are just a wee bit too fond of this, we have our comfort, each other for company peopling just seems like a trial really.

But if nothing else once I make my mind up to do a thing, it will be done, Drinking that mornings caffeine intake, dark strong exceptionally hot😁😁😁😁, I needed that boost of energy if I was to ever make it out the door,let alone walking.., . But before then I had to hunt down a pair of shoes suitable for the occasion…as I intimated earlier here in good old Blighty rain has been in somewhat ample supply, (ok being non stop from October really😁… So also in plentiful abundance you have Mudddd!!!!, Lots of mud,….Most of my trainers are nearly new, plus more suitable for sedate ladies partaking of light summer promenading😁, Not sloshing up to your ankles in mud puddles, muck and slush….can’t help it, never have been a lady….Eventually I knew there was nothing else for it, I won’t have to brave the bedroom cupboard cave, I thought if nothing else though the chill in there would acclimate me to outdoors, it having it’s own weather system.😁, as well as woman eating tarantulas, ok large spiders.

Head torch on, hoodie donned, it felt more like I was going cave diving, not braving the bloody cupboard😁, there’s nothing like a good rummage around in the dark is there?….after coming across several pairs of indoor slippers, two left feet fluffy lined crocs 🙄🤔, I finally hit the jackpot….muddy trainers….Muddy trainers I had long since forgotten about, conveniently hidden away in a bag from last year….hangs head in shame😔, perfect!, they were now dried of course, plus the dirt would either drop off while on my walk or get encased in a fresh coating, either way suited really….I left these outside the front door, silently hoping two of my pigeons would find them and build a large nest….couldn’t go out then could i🙄😁😁😁😁, But least wise, while out at the door looking up at the sky, the dark shaggy grey clouds had finally long gone, the sky now a beautiful Cerulean blue, even I couldn’t help but feel somewhat inspired….

Washed, dressed, and mud covered shoes upon my feet, it was too late to have a change of heart, grabbing Jesse in phone land, tucking him safe and warm in his crochet pouch we set off, I hadn’t gone that far, before feeling every muscle in my body, they protested, aching and burned, for want of long overdue exercise…I thanked the gods for my walking cane, which I now leant upon heavily, What was though to prove a more than pleasant surprise, the early morning air, not only fresh, but mild, the wintry bite on temporary pause. The heat of the sun warm and soothing on my tense muscles, despite the aches It felt good to be outdoors once more even briefly…

Renewal….

As I made my way down the length of the local alleyway between two rows of houses, I began to see certain signs of an early spring, Spears of delicate purple and ghostly white crocus poking bravely between clods of claggy mud and grass, the old wild grown plum tree, at the end of the pathway now awash with tiny white star shaped blossoms, Sulphur yellow daffodils nodding their sleepy bent trumpeted heads, Periwinkle, blue anemones, pink, red and purple Cyclamen almost sparkling with colour against the dark cool soil.. Birds not to be outdone were also full of Joy, hearing their clear crisp voices filling the air, a cacophony of sound to feast the ears upon,. Without knowledge, i slowed my pace, stopping every once in a while, smelling some blossom, running my hands over dew covered leaves, sprouting branches, and of course take those ubiquitous pictures, lotsa pictures…..

lack of exercise meant I soon found myself tiring all too easily, but I walked on anyway knowing for sure my bench was just up in front. I’ve spent many a half hour there, throughout the seasons…Today I was grateful for its sturdy presence, sitting letting the warm breeze flow gently over my skin, leaning back, closing my eyes a while the better to listen to the birdsong completely, As the sun shone upon my face I felt my batteries charge, my own personal solar panel refuelling, breathing deep clear air into my body…it’s strange how part of me loves the safety and sanctity of home, And yet more importantly, to refill, recharge, id go so far as to say even exist, I need to be outdoors amid nature, growing things, to feel the earth breathe beneath my bare feet, the sun on my skin, breeze in my hair…I maybe in my Autumn years, but at heart I will always be nature’s child, feral, wild and free.

whatever your up to this wet weekend, take care of you, enjoy time with those you love, but why not take a few minutes with a cuppa to spend amid the spring flowers….bye for now x 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

Ever have one of those days folks, ever have one of those days?…or weeks, months

So it’s come to this….

Its that time of year again, no not that one, the other one😁….I was thinking more along the lines when I have to renew my rental contract with my landlord, it’s not normally that much of an issue, (Note “the normally”), .Numerous Emails are involved, they cross back and forth between myself and the agent, There im asked complicated questions like, are you wishing to stay in situ?, Or Everything ok?,. Ok yes….. then sign here and don’t darken our doorstep ever again, I certainly wont, dont. Because We have this brilliant understanding between us, going way back,,, they don’t bother me and I’m certainly not going anywhere near them unless something demands it…, ugh it involves far too much peopling….

Changes that stay the same….

Anyhow that is the usual Modus operandi….But now because of these wondrous Brand new shiny renters rights acts, with its fabulous list of rules and regulations, things have infact altered, What’s worse is its to the detriment of tenants, (that will be me then), the very same people it was supposed to be protecting…(Oh Why do they insist on messing about with a working system?). So originally I would hop and skip along to sign a piece of paper along the dotted line, With it’s overload of small print , blurry words this is called a yearly contract, normally a long term contract.. I add my squiggle signature or cross whichever!… But not now folks…oh no.. Now apparently, I have all these fancy new things, called tenants rights sighs,…But this is the odd part…from now on in instead of yearly renting, we are doing monthly….Soooo you ask?, Well think on this for a mminute or three, at any point, any moment in time, I can become in effect homeless, there’s no longer any security…. Anddddd added joy of joys, on top of this, my Rent has gone up for the privilege, …lovely!!!!!!!, if you ask me this puts all the rights firmly into the owners corner🤔.

So Ive decided just in case, I’m going to be all pro wotsit, I’m going to do a preliminary investigation…. investigational hat on firmly on head…..I’m searching the intertubes daily for other rental properties, Ones that may still do long term letting, And to my surprise, ney delight!, yes there are some out there still available, not only this, some even offer more bang for my buck, or is that more buck for a bang….ewwww errr Mrs…😁….What does that all actually mean I wonder?, I dunno😁, …but.in my case it’s very simple, another bedroom😮😊, Yes instead of a less than a 40 square foot box, with one lilliputian sized bedroom with ensuite cave spider cupboard.. .., There’s these things called real sized homes out there😮, With kitchens and bathrooms inclusiveoh my who knew!?, . Not letting anything hold me back, I set about sending out emails, …Last Friday I viewed the first.

Friday………the 13th😮😱

Over the years I like to think, I have left this superstition quite firmly in the junk drawer, amid the myriad of phone cords, insulation tape, screws and other things that you think will come in handy at some point in your lifetime, but never actually use again…ever!…Viewing Friday the 13th, quite like walking under a ladder, a black cat crossing my path, saying good morning Mr magpie….oh hang on I still do that one….ok, well what can I say,, I like Magpies😁. Anyhow after an extremely short phone call, I find myself invited along to view a very pretty little cottage, that Friday coming,…I’m so thrilled, I didn’t note the actual date,… that came later, much later, it wasn’t in fact until I wrote the date upon my calendar, the day screamed at me in big bold capital shouty letters, this should have been a warning for what was to come..😁,. But I had so loved all the pictures upon the estate agents website, it looked bloody near perfect,,,, for me anyhow, …..For the next three days, I studied, drooled, revisited each and every last picture numerous times daily, imaging my furniture, curtains and rugs dotted about the place…rightly or wrongly in my head I had in effect moved in….yeah I know I was just asking for trouble. .

The big day arrives….

I hardly slept Thursday night, beset by a culmination of emotions, mainly excitement and nerves,…at precisely 5am I could take no more, by 6am I had already necked three large strong coffees, my nerves well and truly stoked, left eye twitching wildly, lets not mention the countless trips to the bathroom….plus there was actually still 7 hours to go before I had to leave….😁😁😁😁😁. I showered, sprayed, primped, until both myself and the tiny apartment had this shimmering toxic haze of Sandalwood body mist, deodorant and mint shower Gel..I was determined to knock them off their feet, create a lasting impression, that or Gas them out….I was hoping more for the first naturally,….I tried on numerous combinations of clothes, opting in the end for warmth and comfort….

My Ride there pulled up outside promptly at 1pm, (the appointment being 2:30pm, it left us with plenty of time for the journey over….or so we originally thought🙃🙄, ….while out we decided to stop off at boots to pick up my prescription, big bloody mistake, massive!, ….it all looked so positive in the planning. Huh😃😃😃😃.!, That’s what you know Treez, Firstly I had to wait in line at the chemist for over 15 years….ok slight exaggeration for effect there folks, but in fairness it was 15 minutes in the end.., just felt far longer….I get to the front finally, give my date of birth, address, colour of my underwear😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, The chemist walks off to check that it’s waiting for me…..comes back with the smallest box known to man, whether it was the stress, just miscalculation, I won’t ever know, (probably over indulgence of caffeine)..but I proceeded to walk away, leaving the premises….I’m about to walk over to the waiting car when it finally dawns on me, I really should check the meds are correct before leaving…. Which I did, wishing I hadn’t, but did…..don’t ask….sighs, by now it’s getting late, I need to keep this 2:30 appointment or die trying…..could very well go either way at this point…

I rush back to my patiently waiting driver, who is still sat in his vehicle, he has by now aged nearly 15 years, grown a fabulous ZZ top beard and is filling out forms for his state pension,😁.,…As we finally get the journey underway, every variety of vehicle throughout the decades, seems to want to appear upon the road at that precise moment…Every red light seem stuck on well screaming red!!!!, Sure it wasn’t but it seemed that way…queues form at every single set of traffic lights, we were going to be cutting it so so fine… Dark steel grey heavy clouds finally erupt with slanting rain, Tractors , lorries go a speedy ten mile an hour, pull out at every turning…I’m convinced ar one point, an old dear with her walker shoots passed us, leaving us sitting in her dust waving her oversized handbag…I feared we were not going to make our deadline., Or any other again!

Trust the process …..who said this clearly didnt….

The sarcastic voice on the Sat nav, who has also had enough by now, sneers as she informs us we might well want to turn left at the next turning, I swear I waited for an insult at the end there….😁, to top things off there’s absolutely no where to park outside the house, just a minute square of muddy quagmire….As I jump out to let them know we have finally arrived, I promptly land in the deepest mud puddle, coating My freshly cleaned boots…oh well!!!😁 .My poor driver by now is understandably in pieces, but goes off valiantly to try and find parking within a five miles radius…good luck!…..

The house….

The house in itself was to prove a delight, infact everything I could of and would have wished for in a prospective new home, Ok far smaller than the photos so cleverly depict…but I really did love it, … I could have easily moved in then and there….even though it was quirky as hell, The tiny back garden was actually at the front, so that left what I took to be front garden, being at the back, or was that the front…oh I don’t know anything anymore🙃…..Even the diminutive lass showing us around, looked equally as confused, I stayed until a now red faced and exhausted driver caught up with us…finally finding a corner to park in… the whole thing taking less than ten minutes in total….we left it to be decided ….thank goodness as it happens…

Pass the tin hats….

The car was neatly tucked away around the corner, so we didn’t have far to go to get out of the pouring rain, …As we approach, a rather large irate man walks toward us, he does not look happy, not at all…. and we don’t even get to the car before he makes his feelings well and truly known….more F bombs going off, than when I stub my toe, which I do frequently by the way🙄…His finger stabbing the air violently, pointing at a set of gates,… I look over at them, ” don’t think I help by saying ” oh yes dear their very nice I say, “, hoping to deflect.his masculiness…he then screams are you bloody blind?… , Im so so tempted to say yes actually😁, then ask my driver to aid me to the driving side….it was all I could do not too….the guy by now was a fetching shade of deep purple, Veruca Salt had nothing on him….I kept expecting band of tiny oopmah lompahs to appear at any moment, carting him off….but we were not to be that fortunate, he waved his arms around enough for me to almost break into a Venga boys song…,thought we had accidentally hit a rave… spitting out more fire and brimstone than the local vicar on a Sunday service, we waited patiently for a final break in the tempest….I apologised profusely, trying to explain the situation, but nothing could placate our own Mr angry…he steadily worked himself up to a full frenzy, spouting did we know how many times people had parked outside those gates, I wonder could we call a friend for the answer., He then rants on about how he needed to be somewhere and was now late…..I know it well I mumble unhelpful…, I wouldn’t mind but his car is parked in front of ours…nothing stopping him pulling away, .. If he would just shut up and get in his car we could all get to where we were going…….and out of this rain☔….

We do finally manage to escape though, leaving behind the man still waving his arms windmill fashion, I’m wondering just how much electricity he could generate with those flaying biceps of his?….🤔…., We decide to stop off before going home, there’s an Aldi nearby, I need just a few bits for over the weekend….it’s nearly 4pm at this point in time, so I’m in and out of that shop quicker than a quick thing…. it’s still raining….of course it is…the skies laden with more, People are rushing about, cars come at you from all directions, I realise it’s Friday night, of that I’m by now fully aware, but I’m wondering why the hurry, am I missing something here?😁,

It takes a full fifteen minutes to slowly make our way out of the carpark, the entrance being wonderfully located at a busy t junction, it’s also school pick up time….there’s cars flying about with angry impatient drivers, horns beeping, fists flaying and all we want is a wee pause in the endless stream of cars to get out.pleaseeeee!….no ones being that helpful….it took longer to exit the car park than for me to shop….let’s just get home!!!!!…….We drive the rest of the way back in exhaustive silence…rain smashing against the Windows, the wipers hypnotic in their bid to keep the vision clear…by the time I reach home, I never want to leave again…..I sit quietly still trying to process the day an hour later….Debbie texts how about we go out for coffee in the week…….oh hell!!!!!!😁, but I go…. …whatever your up to this weekend folks, stay warm, stay safe and look after yourself💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛.

The empty nest…

It was back two weeks ago now whilst I was sat indulging two of my favourite pastimes,, reading and drinking coffee, that my leisure time was rudely interrupted, by this loud consistent tapping sound, I got up checked about the flat, searching high and low for unexploded bombs, dripping water, or death watch Beatles trying to slowly invade the walls😁, but thank goodness, i couldn’t find anything of the sort, So slightly perturbed still, I went back to reading about swash buckling men racing hell for leather across craggy Cornish cliff tops, upon fiery black steeds, waving about their pistols, daggers and sabres….in other words Poldark by Graham Winston, yeah I know doesn’t sound half as exciting does it lol?, But it was a good read…

Five minutes on, and the sound began once more, only this time louder, more insistent, I tried ignoring it, for all of about a milisecond, before I became far too intrigued, (ok nosy😊. Reluctantly leaving captain Poldark to his own devices upon my bed😮, I got up once more, only this time the sound was more intense…I followed it’s source, walking slowly, stealthily upon tiptoe, hoping to creep up on whatever was causing the commotion. As I walked toward the living room window, the sound grew louder, not only the tapping, flapping sounds now, but this time intermingled with a high pitch peeping., I opened the front door with all haste,😁 great flourish even, tahdahhhhh type you know!?, There to find Goria ….. And Gloria is one of my semi feral pigeons, I say Semi feral as Muggins here has been roped into feeding them up to and over four times daily, Yes I know Pigeons are not always popular, hated even. And I get that, but my little band have quite literally eaten their way into my heart…they are quick, clever and extremely loyal to their extended family units….I can most definitely recognise each individual bird, via a wing pattern colouring etc, some are more brazen with asking for food than others, each and every one gets its own name, Some will come when called, like Walter, Gloria, Red, Nigel, or Alice, others wait in the wings no pun intended🙄😃.

Gloria is one of my favourites, her and her mate Walter will quite often follow me around outside while I’m gardening, if they see me coming back from a walk they run towards me,,like winged puppies, it’s so bloody cute honestly😁….But I digress somewhat, Gloria was outside my door flapping wildly at a young juvenile male, Ive named Gilbert…I thought at first he had crossed the line, trying to get fresh, yeah it happens…(pigeons will mate for life if given the opportunity) and her and Walter were tightly bonded…but as I watched them, the peeping sound grew almost fever pitched. I looked around me, there to my left, hidden behind a row of my plant containers, sat huddled, was a squab (baby pigeon), hunched against the cold, Gloria fending off all comers and very distressed….

it all too soon became obvious that although the little one was fully feathered, he was also still sporting a downy yellow ring of baby feathering about his neck, like a soft boa😊, what was not so good, for although he flapped, he couldn’t work up the momentum enough to take off, his little wings were not developed enough to support him….in all other ways he looked perfect, no injuries I could see. I left Gloria to it, hoping with all my heart he would take off with his parents, go back to their warm nest up in the eaves to be with his siblings….all that day I watched nervously over the little one, still hanging on for a minor/major miracle, I could just not abide the very idea of him getting attacked by Mincemeat aka cooking fat, (local feral cat who killed off many local birds). I was beset by many scenarios playing in my head, like a paranoid parent I hovered by the window pacing back and forth.

By 3:30 it had become all to clear,, To my distress he was still there hiding, dusk was falling, the evening chill beginning in earnest…now I had two choices neither ideal..Either I could leave well alone, and let him take his chances or bring him indoors, I left it as late as I possibly dared before finally going out into my shed and retrieving a small birds cage, it’s all I had to bed him down in…it took all of two minutes to scoop up the by now very cold baby bird, he was fast becoming depleted, eyes half closed, no fighting against me, my choice was the right one, Beaky😁, needed help, I suppose I was the unconvinced volunteer…at least inside he could get warm, I left on the heater, turned off all the lights and left him with food and water, now it was in the lap of the gods, I checked on my guest throughout that night,. That next morning Beaky was still with us…his beady black eyes wide open and shiny, restless now he moved around freely….now what?????

I went out and fed the pigeons their first breakfast of the day, yeah the have 3 normally 😁, two lunches, then supper before dusk 😁. . Normally once fed, the fly off until their next feed…but I noted that day Gloria and Walter stayed put,walking up and down right up by my door…..Beaky as if sensing their presence began peeping loudly, I took him out opened the cage door and watched uneasily as he was reunited with his parents, they circled about each other, until finally they fed the hungry youngster…not only did Gloria feed him, his father, older siblings also took a turns, pigeons really are a United family….

Once fed though, Beaky took refuge behind the flower pots once more, not ideal but better than nothing, he sat there in total silence instinct showing him not to give away his secret location, I left him there until nearly dark, before bringing back in my charge, where once more he slept in his cage, the following day his parents appeared again, It seemed we had unknowingly established our very own little routine between us….they knew where he was, he was safe thats the main thing…I estimated my intervention would last roughly around another week….And it Did…..

Over the next week later Beaky attempts take off….

Several times Beaky quite ungainly at first, took to the air, only to land with a spectacular splat in my neighbours shrubbery,😊 over a garden wall, into a fence, it lead to some very odd looks when I had to knock on a bewildered neighbours, asking could I possibly have my pigeon back please?😁, After a few disastrous starts, one week and two days later, he finally took to the skies, no looking back, just off into the wild blue yonder…my days as a co parent were at an end, finished as swiftly as they started, I stood looking up into the sky, watching him disappear, just praying he would be ok, it was very like taking my children to school that first day…lump in throat I walk away, it’s the perfect outcome, as it should be, my baby had flown the nest…although Beaky was in fact on the most part silent, walking back into the flat felt alien, unnatural, ….One week on I’m still missing my wee lodger, I don’t miss his mess mind😁, but I confess I had got used to having him about….I still chuckle to myself, thinking back to when I heard a noise at my door, on opening it, there stood Beaky,…. He just waddled inside like it was the most natural thing in the world, and to us, at that time i guess it was 😁😁😁😁😁..I’ve seen him with his parents upon the roof so I know his fine, happy landings Beaky…😁😁😁💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦

The big Chill…

The weather over the last few weeks has for the most part been a typical British winter, wet, wild, and oh my goodness wheres me bloody fleecy lined drawers?,.But there again as cold as some mornings have been , it’ was only to be somewhat expected,. Back in the far off heady glorious days of last summer, I had mentioned seeing virtually every tree, bush and shrubbery(I so love this word, so will say it again purely for indulgent recreational purposes SHRUBBERY!!!! ewww that felt so goooood,) now where was we again?, Oh yeah! talking about fruity bushes(saucy😁😁😁😁), but indeed everywhere I had looked, the trees and shrubs bowers were heavily weighted down through the long summer days with an abundance of fruit,. I had had a fresh breakfast, thanks to an obliging plum tree more than once 😊

I’m afraid I remain firmly of the old school, if you sit in amongst nature long enough, she will clearly predict the future as far as forecasts goes, (better than any weatherman or Almanac)..last year I known in my heart of hearts, it was without doubt, going to be cold this winter, . That said I don’t quite feel it in my bones😁, as my parents/grandparents generation were only too fond of expounding at anyone who would listen. But if you watch and listen, taking on board the subtle little clues of nature’s intent, you won’t go far wrong. So as harsh as it’s been some days there really was no surprise. Doesn’t make it any easier mind, but expected.

For my part I’ve kind of channelled the whole wintry hibernation Grizzly bear theme, taking to the deepest darkest back of my fairy lit cave, furthest away from humanity, where if stumbled upon, i will be forced growl vociferously at anyone who dares to disturb my solitude or trespassing upon one of my fleece blankets, no matter how momentarily, (hear me roar😁, … But after what felt like weeks of freezing minus minus weather, Wednesday had in fact dawned with some of the brightest blue skies, infact I will go so far as to say somewhat gorgeous even…I had already decided the night previous, if there was even a remote lapse in the freezing rain,hail, snow and blizzards conditions( overly dramatic much😁) then I would infact guzzle down my coffee, scrub up, grit my teeth and leave my lair, why oh why do I do these things honestly?😁

Wednesday

As I left the flat, (Jesse of course by now, already hanging in phone land safely tucked up warm in his woollen pouch around my neck), The first clues of just how bloody cold it actually was became all too apparent…I had hunted out and found my new perfect purply fingerless gloves especially, I so love purple., Even taking the added precaution of plonking a thick cream wool hat, recently crocheted, upon my head…surely now Im indeed ready for the worst kind of polar expedition weather, including the toughest of conditions right?, 😁, Dilly (aka my loyal shopping trolley, not much of a husky sled team, but she would have to do,

I hadn’t really left my street before I began noting the thick white frosting covering the pavement, it sparkled mesmerising before the eyes, Grass had become very brittle and crunchy under foot,.. Previously plain Brown fallen leaves, were now edged in silvery white sharp crystals, the wet dull grey sky of just the day before, now icy blue, clouds completely banished, the sun up high, just a pale insipid glow,. The air felt deliciously fresh, slightly loamy, smokey, with hints of promise of spring, I breathed deeply, childishly leaving misty vapour trails as I exhaled, ” look Jesse look” he laughs indulgently, ” very good hun”, , he knows me so well, by now more than used to his woman child….

The landscape may have taken on the outward appearance of being all very fairy tale and dreamy in appearance, but beyond this disguise it was also extremely lethal under foot, i immediately became conscious of staying upright, uprights always good, a trip to accident and emergency, in the back of a speeding ambulance, never quite appearing upon my new years to do list thankfully😁. But with the best will in the world, my feet are still slipping every now and again, I’m all at once most thankful for Dillys supportive presence, After making it successfully, plus still in one piece to my local supermarket, then pet shop, I set about the slow steady process of walking back home once again, but not before sitting on my bench in the sun, that is by now at least affording some warmth, closing my eyes, I listen intently to the cacophony of different bird song, from the sweet melodic flocks of robust Blue tits swirling from tree to tree, cackling Magpies seemingly laughing at some rude joke only they know the punchline of, to the very vocal caws of playful crows playing pass the stick😊, I spend a most pleasant half hour here, breathing in the cool fresh air, no one to bother myself or my bird friends. It’s with some reluctance I finally resume my journey, only chancing upon a very large frozen puddle could cheer my mood,

I just had to, you know I did, …..Yes I took the liberty of trailing myself and Dilly across the solid frozen surface, It creaked and cracked under foot most deliciously, and I didn’t give a flying fff fruitcake, yes fruitcake about getting my brand new shoes soaked or my socks squelchy in ice water, I just delighted in every bloody second, giggling childishly to myself as I left a trail of broken ice in my wake, one of the highlights of my day…the other being on return of home, I partook of one xxl coffee, liberally laced with coffee liqueur….so shoot me, I needed something to offset the chill, can only think it was a good job I had that after getting home, would have made walking abroad a whole lot more perilous, with good reason 😁.

Well I guess it’s time I went about my day again, can’t sit here all day gassing, I’ve all these wondrous mundane chores to achieve, polishing to polish, laundry to attempt to dry in my damp freezing flat, oh the joys 😁😁😁, anyhoo folks you stay warm, stay well and look after yourself…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Alluring Luna

Monday

Something awoke me up early, I’m not sure what, but then I seldom am😊, i waited some time for full cooperation, betwixt my eyes opening and the switching over from sleep mode of mind,..some may say this is a rare and momentous occasion, (these days im more inclined to agree..After laying for a while trying to comprehend the meaning of a particularly weird dream, I gave up, answering to that undeniable, call of the kettle, (it’s a bewitching little minx), As I poked my right foot out from under its cosy warm nest of mixed fleeces, regret set in immediately….Folks it was fffff flipping cold, I wanted for all the world to turn over and Deny the harsh mornings existence, But morning like my need for a caffeine hit takes no prisoners. I shove both legs out quickly before I can think better of it….my body quakes with the chill that circulates the air over night, as im passing i flick down the switch of the small oil filled radiator, grateful to hear it’s gurgles and clicks, just the tiny orange light alone and I begin fooling myself I feel warmer….

After I fill the kettle, click that on, I go about my usual hurried routine, empty the dehumidifier, turn that on, Normally swiftly followed by a speedy Gonzalez type shower thing, (no one, and I mean no one with half a brain cell, wants to stand, buck naked in a freezing room, without luxury of proper glazing and or heating , it’s the Baltic in there, I keep expecting the odd polar expedition team to wave as I’m stood there in my glory, Huskies an all….For some reason though before that icy shower delight, I was drawn over to the curtains to look outside, maybe just a delay tactic who knew, but wrong move Treez….😁.

First thing I note is the odd blue tinged light, it’s not even 5am yet, why is it so light?, …I look up into a still dense black velvet Sky, there still on high, hangs the most spectacular full moon, it’s brilliancy glowing, shrouding everywhere with its cool icy light, even as cold as I feel I’m drawn with its ancient magnetic pull, it silently calls “come outside, admire my beauty”, I’m lost to it’s allure immediately, there’s no time for a jacket, jumper or anything remotely sensible…slipping my chilled feet into my best fake Fur lined clogs, 😁i find the keys, open the door and go outside, the effect is instant, I’m stood outside minus 3, in just a baggy t shirt nightdress and clogs…

Freezing icy cruel chilled fingers pulled at my skant covering, the palpable air hurting my chest…threatening to turn each breathe into Crystals before I can exhale….So intoxicated was i by the moon’s pull, up until this moment I time, I had failed to notice the deep covering of overnight snow, …But now that I had, it was difficult to comprehend where to look first, The snow glittered and danced with a thousand tiny blue glassy sapphires, the moon’s light reflecting across its untouched surface, high on beauty, I barely noted the fact my body trembled, whether from fast developing hypothermia or just overwhelmed by the sights and senses before me, A more sensible person would have by now rush in and to get dressed….Me, I had become way too involved, enveloped in nature’s bounty, too enraptured to move, let alone breathe, I stared up into the moon’s gaze, by her side like a faithful lover of old, twinkling and none the less outstanding was the North star….I’m not sure how long I stood there, for I no longer felt the cold, but I must have moved at some point because I looked down to see my footprints leaving deep impressions in the once virgin snow…the kettle long forgotten, the warmth of my bed along with it, it was only the distant thrum of a ticking over car engine that eventually broke the spell, bringing me speedily back to humanity.

Once inside my body began shaking uncontrollably, I wrapped a fluffy jacket about me tightly, eventually getting the quaking to a level where I could safely handle the freshly reboiled kettle,. After two scalding hot coffees, one straight after the other, I showered, got dressed, all the while still very much under the influence of the cool wintry blue wolf moon, …Later that very same day, I swear I wasn’t to be alone in my Luna lunacy, for at daybreak ,while taking out rubbish from my bins, ( by now fully clothed you,ll be somewhat relieved to hear), Less than a foot away, at my feet stood a juvenile male Blackbird,, he’s bead like dark eyes watching my every move, he didn’t attempt to fly away, or even walk away, just an odd twitch of his wings, and a click under his breath, …We remained there motionless, sizing each other up, I’m not sure for how long the moment lasted, before eventually I snapped out of it and felt somehow the instinct to grab a bag of mealworms, I keep for the wild birds, scattering a generous handful upon the solid frozen ground for him, ..He snatched up not just one, but roughly around at least ten, I gave up counting after that…seemed rude somehow to check up on my impromptu little guest 😁, he was soon joined by Robin, my usual avian buddy, followed quickly by a large rambunctious flock of greedy Starlings, none seemed to mind my presence, even as I moved to get them more food supplies….whether just driven by hunger or the strangest of days, I’ve still no idea, but my company of the morning hung about for some time, I like to think it was something quite special, magical even…Jesse will often be heard to say I’ve got a calm way about birds that draws them to me….unsure which is true, but the secret of magical things is to not look into it too deeply or ruin the spell…😁, …Anyway enough of me for now, it’s still really icy out there folks, if you get a chance think of the creatures, give mother nature a wee helping hand…but most of all stay wrapped up warm….and be careful out there, it’s slipperyer than a politician at press conference…. Until next time💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

The Ghost of Christmas past….

I had already sworn to myself, I would not word this, because in doing so I would give it credence, let it free from the once hidden constraints, the deepest passages of my mind, and once voiced there would be no binding the words back up, putting them back in their box, no locking them away,. they would be free, finding lives of their own, wreaking havoc, No longer just quietly haunting my mind in the darkness, lurking in shadowy corners, waiting to pounce…I could no longer live in that self indulged world of denial, ..now it was the steely cold world of truths, truths I had always buried in the dense undergrowth, you know it’s still out there, but that’s denial for you eventually it will want to break loose and want it’s time, !

I had used Christmas sorely, all the while I worked in a flurry of activity, I found myself coping with my lot most admirably, oh don’t get me wrong, while alone in the depth of night, I clawed over things, tangled tight woven conversations, looking for patterns, clues, rewinding, replaying each nuance until like those old reel to reel tapes of yesteryear, my taut mind threatened to snap…It and I am exhausted, but there’s no let up…Over my head both day and night hangs the mighty sword of Damocles, hanging by the solitary strand of golden hair, in some ways I long for my fate to be over, ( better to get it over with surely)…. Then there’s the other times I bury myself deep in my softest fleece blankets, lay upon my side staring at the freshly painted white wall beside me, the same walls I had painted just months previous, filled with hope, new beginning, what happened…whispering is what happened…..

Weeks before Christmas I had heard words I took on, from a well meaning source, supposedly looking out for me !, I’m not quite as sure now this being the case, People say things for all kinds of reasons known only to themselves, Many for their own devices, mischief…At first I let it play out in my mind, it taunted me until I saw shadows everywhere….this ruined the great joy I get each year over the Christmas period, I delight in its magical atmosphere, normally it’s a time when I lay to rest the stress of the year, that’s normally though…but not this year, I couldn’t settle, the what ifs attacked in full force?, The constant tortures of questioning, would brook no silencing, distraction didn’t chase away the darkness, it followed me even into rare moments of sleep, giving me no let up, backing me up against the wall…now I had to turn and face that shadow, the whispers, I could either let it carry on with its path of unwieldy destruction eating into my soul, or come out fighting….I chose the latter, I’ve learnt over the years with battling illness and life itself, I’m no quitter….

Christmas came and went, it was pleasant enough, I received some beautiful gifts, shared time with loved ones, but it was a massive time of self discovery, my strengths, weaknesses…my Achilles heel…I have only one and that’s those I love…So knowing this, I decided everything else didn’t matter, as long as they are well, as long as their there in whatever way they choose, the rest I can face alone if the time comes, and that know how it will …I can take on the beast of many faces, it’s shadowy form haunting me…, …I once read a story about young warriors who were sent out in the long cold nights of winter to test their bravery in hunting and learn survival skills, . One place they all feared, was a legendary deep dark cave, it was believed to be haunted by a ghost of a mighty fighter…All who came upon him in the night, either ran home terrified, or died grotesquely deaths…legends travelling down the ages, only served to make the creature bigger, more fierce, Men avoided the cave altogether….until one particular harsh winter’s night, a loan warrior was forced to take refuge in the very cave, wind whipped around the outside of the cave mouth, with it, heavy snowfall,

Cold, wet and tired our man was lucky enough to find oddments of dry kindling, Cutting some of his hair with a knife, using flint from kit he had carried upon he’s back, he built a small fire…warming his hands in front of the flickering embers, instantly feeling better…eating a little dried Elk meat his strength soon returned, then deciding to sleep until morning, for it was madness to try to travel on, Snow was settling fast,piling up at the entrance, temperatures dropping outside….it was warm in the cave ,eyes drooping, he soon slept, waking occasionally to add to the fire, when awake he sang to comfort himself, watching dancing shapes form in the amber glow upon the dark walls,

He sang to his ancestors, calling upon the men to guide him through the long night, he felt their voices echo around him, the breathes played in his hair, grandfathers, great grandfathers, sat with him by the fireside, he slept deeply finally in the full knowledge they stood guard, …..he hadn’t slept long though before something woke him, heart pounding in his chest, like a million butterflies trying to escape, his nerves taut, ready to fight, like those long gone on before him, …even with the fire, the air had turned freezing, the shadowy figures taller, Sounds vibrating, reverberating, energy flicked like lightning, every muscle now tight, he stilled himself, reaching down for the knife he used earlier, hand clasping the bone handle., Looking about him in the darkness, his eyes soon settled upon a shadow hunkered at the back of the cave…At first the man trembled, how could he take on such a mighty beast, it was bigger, for sure stronger surely….but what choice was there?, If not him who?

Soon he refound his courage, the songs of the long past filled the cave, he called to the shadow as he stood up tall, straight, …but the taller the man tried to appear, the shadow mocked him, it too grew in stature, he waved his knife in anger…the creature mimicking him, but coming no closer….after time the man weary but thoughtful, realised something …….the shadow beast couldn’t move if he didnt, so he sat back by the fire, too tired, accepting of his fate….as he sat in the chill, the creature also seemed glad to be seated…he called once more, but this time instead of repelling the beast, he called it to sit at his side by the fire, come into the light and get warm….as he lifted his hand to indicate friendship, the truth became apparent…..it was just a trick of the light…the mighty beast was no more than himself, his inner fears just made it appear larger…he would fear the beast no more,… leaving the cave the next day chuckling to himself as he walked away…Still it left him with the true knowledge that although the shadow beast hadn’t been real, What he had found was a new courage, if he could take on a beast so momentous in stature, (his own fears), then he could take on anything….

So what’s the Moral of our tale, I too had built up my fears, not willing to face them, the more attention I gave them, the bigger they grew, until I had nowhere left to run, So I could either invite it to the fire to get a closer look, or exhaust myself by remaining fearful, …I won’t say I’m no longer scared, because that’s a lie, but what I know to be true is if you can’t change something, then let it be, if it’s for you it’s for you…..Anyway what I can do something about, Is start off our new year, by wishing you all well, May it bring peace, love and hope throughout…stay safe, stay well out there 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

The Christmas mystery…

As you are only too aware of by now, Christmas is just around the corner,, (or round the bend might be more appropriate for most of us), With the way things are at this moment in time, we certainly need something to get distracted by, that said you can’t beat some soft twinkling lights, candles,or a pine scented trees,(foil scented in my case, is foil scented?hmmm) anyway it certainly does improve the most dreariest of wintry atmospheres,…I started adding small sparkling things to my Bower around the 1st of December, i think I’m nearly to the point of no return now, well maybe so😁….I just can’t help myself…

There’s just no escape from my child like delight in this time of year, always something so so magical…even to someone who lives alone, will spend Christmas day alone…it will always remain a special and quite beautiful time, for me at least😊, …I am fully aware that it can be a sad time for others, depressing even, evoking memories of those not here to share it with, I know I miss my parents terribly, there’s remains a candle alight each day in memory of them both, and every time I see the flickering amber glow, it’s serves as a focus for warm reflection …I chose happy special memories with care, Christmas evenings, with my three children, young, the large family drop leaf pine table, extended fully, covered with my mothers special occasion embroidered table cloth, table groaning under plates of Turkey sandwiches, every kind of pastry, crisps and pickles, bottles of sparkling juices, mum called Gassy, it was a traditional time I hold so close, so dear, it will always bring a smile or three😊.

But as I’ve already touched upon, like the last eight Christmases the actual day itself will be somewhat anticlimactic, loneliness hanging about like sad dark Spector at the feast, I try to hide from its effect by keeping myself constantly busy, .Back around September time, I had started a new venture, a diary, only with an added twist….instead of words, this diary/journal whatever, contains pictures i painted I’m water colour …I’m not the best at artistic creation by any means, but I gave myself permission, special dispensation if you will, to not be, I’m allowed to mess it up.😊, it’s more about creating, a raw depiction, thought or memory that crosses my mind on that day….One page contains two rosy pink lady apples, why????, Well I’m particularly fond of an apple😊, and that day I had none in😐… So it almost bordered on obsession, a craving…so two red apples on a pale blue background, jazzy gold dots became my muse 😊, this weeka creation a rather whimsical little misshapen house, decked out with colourful fairy lights, snow and even a rather devious looking lopsided snowman, listen I’m never going to be a Picasso, Constable, Monet or Van Gogh, Old masters is not ever going to be associated with my work, but it’s somewhat fun, serving as a relief from the ever circling mind monkeys or bouts of over thinking,

Between this, extensive reading, filling my tiny home with brightness, I find I can bear the depredation of company quite well..but there’s one mischievous madness, call it distraction if you will, (but i must confess, I have confession I need to make, therefore I will ….😊😊😊😊😊, I couldn’t help myself folks, it was just there, too bloody tempting….

The little tree of temptation….

We had one perfect day last week, which dawned cloudless, bright, clear and breezy😊, (no honestly we did, I know that’s rare for the uk but it happens occasionally all the same😮),. So out I ran without haste, to dispense my washing upon the line,. just then the sun broke through and I swear I heard a choir of starlings burst into hallelujah,.😁😁😁😁. As I picked my way back more carefully across the squelching rain soaked grass, trying my damndest not to slide over onto my derriere, for we had already had one Earth quake that week, another being a little excessive don’t you think?…but even though staying upright took more concentration that an elephant on ice, Something drew my attention, out the corner of my good eye😁, I saw a sparkly thing, it glittered in the sunlight, .. standing there in my neighbours front garden a Christmas tree🤗, in all its gloriousness, a vision, a poem of perfection, a cacophony of flamboyantness, grandiose even …..sighs!, Now whether we should call it a moment of madness, a psychotic state induced by over caffeine consumption I will never know….whatever it was m,lud I can’t be held responsible….within a twinkling of a doodah, I shot in the house, grabbed a solitary icicle decoration left over from my own decorating of harth n home, slid out the door, sleeker than Bildohead cat, (I think that’s it’s name anyhow) after a bird, …..before I could stop myself the icicle hung in full glistening view on an empty branch….proud of my deception I ran back in giggling to myself😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, served me right if I had slid over on my Christmas ass….😁.

Over the course of a week, that icicle was to be joined by fellow icicles, who ever heard of one lone icicle uh uh….. A star I had roped my poor daughter into making for just this occasion, and a glass droplet or three…, I woke up before the sun each day to sneak yet another ornament upon the waiting tree….I just couldn’t help it…honestly !!!!😁, I then sat inside my house grinning wondering if my neighbours had any idea who the Christmas culprit was….did they suspect?, Had they sat crossing off likely neighbours, if so I’ve no clue, but they didn’t remove the decor that’s the main thing….So I felt emboldened, daring, audacious even, next day I ordered two elves from “the Zon”, Amazon, it was too good to resist…..I just had to…and I did😊,

Saturday morning….synchronise your watches…

Saturday morning at barely light o’clock, before the Rooster had roostered, (the Coooooo, erm maybe not😁) .I could wait not a moment longer, I was up and out, an elf in each frozen little hand, staking out the terrain as I went, on the look out for rogue passers by….😊, …..I had the all clear…Jesse sat in phone land, in my pocket peeking over the top as my able look out….We timed our approach with utter perfection….we were indeed glorious…..before anyone could suspect our intention, I had one elf attached to the top of the tree, the other hanging off the flashing security light, looking mischievously down upon his buddy….proudly I strutted in for more coffee…the Eagle had landed, I had struck once more……

Later That same morning, while going to put out laundry, I spotted both my neighbours in the distance, bringing their grandchildren back with them, so i took longer than expected to hang out my few bits of washing😁, coward Treez !!!!, ….but from this hidden vantage point I could hear the childrens excited voices, they had already spotted the carefully choreographed elves and were telling their grandparents where they were….it was cute as hell to listen to and the fun part was the grandparents feined surprise, playing along….it honestly made my whole week….

Next week….

In the week I took in a package for the same said neighbours, while they were out, it’s something we do for one another… Later that same day, I heard Catherine chatting to the window cleaner in her garden….So grabbing the package and took it out there for her, As I handed her the parcel, she turned to the window cleaner with a huge grin saying, “oh look my little neighbourhood Christmas tree fairy “😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, I don’t know about little so much😁, but it was more than obvious, even to us partially blind folks, the game was now up, I had been rumbled, stookered, . But in fairness to Catherine she took it all in the good fun intended…we shared a moment of how much the children had enjoyed the surprise element, and really I’m not sure who enjoyed it all more, me, the kids, or the elves, but you can rest assured, this xxl Christmas fairy will find something else to get up to in the week or so before the festivities 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁. Anyhoo enough from me, whatever your about this week, whether it’s high jinks or keeping warm at home over hot chocolate and a twix, look after yourself and behave like what I does 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

APP Gate…Beam me up dear diary…

For the last two weeks the weather hasn’t exactly been in cooperation mode, now before I’m jumped on from a great height and squished into the carpet ewwww..Yup I get fully winter has a way of being contradictory(not constipated as my lovely spell check so thoughtfully just tried adding,😊 although I was inclined to leave it😏),anyhoo after numerous days of heavy rain,(and me ready to retrieve my best purple power tools out and build an Ark) Tuesday decided to dawn differently… On pulling back the heavy living room curtains, I spied this massive shiny ball up in the sky, firstly i thought suspiciously it had to be a trick😮, So I went out and made a coffee, tippy toed back in to take another look, imagine my shock.. it was still there!!!!, what’s more the sky was a glorious cobalt blue, no hint of a cloud even😮😮😮, I know,!! was it the end of the world?, Aliens landing or just a welcome interlude between deluges?…Whatever it was i for one was going to take full unfettered advantage of the situation…

Showering quickly and throwing on the first clothes available, I had decided that, that day was indeed going to be the day I assisted Santa in his endeavours, Wrapping up some packages, then wing them on their merry way to America, I had up until this moment put it off, not sure why really, just the thought of Taxis, dealing with the post office, people and putting real shoes on my feet, seemed somehow, well just too much of a bother if I’m honest, but I would grab the day by its baubles!!!! who knew By the end id feel the urge to strangle it, but that was of course before I knew better…do I ever know better?😁.

The signs even in the beginning were there for any fool to witness, but hey in my defence I had only imbibed in one coffee that morning… Oh Honey it takes at least three to get me ticking over these days, let alone my motor running…think we will also need industrial size starter leads if honest …but I was willing if my body wasnt🙄, . I found the wrapping tape, one decent sturdy box, Brown paper, sparkly glue…oh boy, this wasn’t going to end well, it never does🙈😄, Previous years had so often proved this totally, It normally takes upwards of six months to lower, this perfect physical specimen upon the floor, where upon a battle royal does commence between me and said packages, (imagine package Sumo if you will 😁) it’s gonna be a thing one day, I’m convinced…but excuse if I don’t Don one of those over sized dypers, I’m really not quite there yet😊…I’ve depends on speed dial, though for such an occasion😁😁😁😁. But I really should have known better, the packages were in full fledged cooperative mode…staying wrapped😲, the tape didn’t end up taking me hostage either, I even had forethought enough to have the addresses to hand….Your impressed right?????, Please don’t be(shakes head), not yet, in fact not everrrrrrrr!?.

While doing all of the above, my other hand makes futile attempts at calling up the local cab company…After three failed tries, I think to check my credit balance, I know😊….Only to hear a wild sniggering….I swear it did, “Credit”, “Credit”, “woman are you serious”,?, So I ask Jesse who is by watching on with some mix of pity and amusement(he has though in the past said I’m somewhat entertaining, or was that I needed detaining I’m never quite sure🤔) anyway I asked him, if he could put some credit on my phone for me, so I could call for a cab….all the time this is going on, I’ve one eye on the window, waiting for big black clouds to swallow up the sun and it persistent down…Putting credit on my phone is easier for Jesse to do online, as I will somehow mess up, im never sure how.,… But Jesse sets about this while I finish off getting ready for my outting….believe me when I say polar expeditions run smoother…I have to check I have everything numerous times, only to put something down, panic!!!!, Then lose it permanently….it takes talent folks.

Two whole hours later, numerous curse words, the floppy fringe I love so very much about Jesse, now lying in a sad scattered pile upon the carpet, plus also on a somewhat bemused Cumzi dog laying at his feet..Cumzi now looking up somewhat confused, he didn’t remember having bangs like Paul McCartney seconds previous… But in fairness he totally rocked it though😁….After yet another further frustrating hour in chat with my provider, (in other words to a lovely AI chatbot called Mildred, Ethel or Tattanna something), Who tries her hardest to convince us she understood our problem….hell lady we don’t understand us, you with all your wonderous AI-ness have no chance😁, …We also were given numbers to call, along with some 600 digit codes to remember, in just ten seconds or less before they will disappear, dissolve or dismember us or something😁, …like that is going to happen…by this time I’m more than ready to call the whole thing off, Jesse has invited the Chatbot over for Christmas dinner😁, should one be concerned I wonder 😟?, And Sage my Budgie has learnt three whole new swear words for his lexicon …still it makes a change from Bxgger bell his latest favourite I suppose…😁,

In the end Jesse gave the Cab firm a wee thrill, calling from the USA to order a cab for me to be picked up here in the UK 😁😁😁😁😁, You really couldn’t make things like this up could you?…The Chatbot and Jesse are now on first name terms, sharing two hours of messaging back and forth will of course do this…it seems we learnt that, you can no longer top up my Pay as you go sim online…oh no!!, or phone them…🤔, no nowadays you need a thing called an APP….this you must download from Playstore, via Yucatan, Venezuela, Bangladesh or China, which im totally not willing to do…sighs

The day didn’t end there either oh no😔. The cab did arrive, just early😊,…At the post office there was a massive line of customers in front of me, also playing santas little helper elves, assorted bags and boxes flying everywhere across the globe, When I do finally reach one somewhat Harangued postal worker, she looks at my neatly wrapped up items and sighs, ” oh good America”????, “Of course she says shortly”, , with the day id had already even before 10am that morning, I’m in no mood to explain myself, …I just smile sweetly, even after I’m informed of the news there will be added Tariffs on top of the extortionate postal cost,. I wait patiently taking it in turns to rest my tired feet and ankles, while she adds numerous airmail stickers, fills out a barrage of forms, announcing the cost to all within ear shot….once again I grin and wish her a Merry Christmas before taking to my heels to find the nearest cafe…

After the restorative effects of an XXL hot chocolate,, I take a slow deliberate walk to find an unoccupied bench to sit upon, In what’s now left of the fading sun, there I await my cab, watching other people rush about, weighed down by bags, …I’m immediately glad my rush for that day is at an end, taking deep slow breaths, I feel the anxiety begin to leave my body, a smile finds its way across my face as I relive the whole days APP saga, What next will we be required to download an App for?, it seems to me there’s already Apps for just about everything, I even had to sign into an App to write this missive, will we soon need an App to access our Apps,?. Who knows folks, I just know for myself I will be holding out as long as possible….but even I a proud technophobe realises it’s just a matter of time before resistance becomes futile. I will not be assimilated😁😁😁😁😁…take care out there folks, look after you xx

Wintry Dear diary

Its 7:34 pm, I only know this because it says so in the corner of my tablet😁,Otherwise time holds little to no meaning in the wintery evenings…I’m laying in semi darkness, listening to the soft pattering of rain against my bedroom window, there’s a intermittent rhythmic drip drip drop upon an empty white gallon can, it lays there upon its side amongst the soggy grass outside, to some this may prove a real annoyance, I find it oddly comforting, a distraction from the otherwise endless silence, likewise the static buzz from my speakers humming away to themselves,….You would think after all th time I would have become somewhat immune to the deafening hush that fills the tiny rooms each and every night, but for me it’s anything but peaceful, it allows for those conversations playing over in your head, like the haunting three Christmas ghosts in Christmas carol,of the past, of the here and now, those yet to come, it’s an odd conundrum because although I’m not brilliant around others(I know hard to believe right?😃) I also don’t fair particularly within my own company either.

It’s one of the main reasons I venture outside on odd days, it can be hard going because every instinct from within screams at me to stay put, I’m unsure if this is the residual reactions from my past life with severe Agoraphobia or an inner need to listen to my closet recluse, I think if I’m honest I could so easily hide away from society altogether, it wouldn’t take much😊,. Leaving my small flat however takes more energy than I’m prepared to commit sometimes, I paint on a smile with that mornings make up, fill myself with a caffeine infusion and run out the door before I can talk myself out of it..

I cannot venture far however, mainly to the local park, shops or both. In the park i,’ll come across local dog walkers, some I’m actually beginning to recognise now😁, We pass odd pleasantries back and forth, have that topical moan about the weather, some though just nod, I find if honest I like this, it’s a nice remission from my own company, and it’s momentary, not over stressful or requiring me to be overly sociable, I cope, look forward to it even, it also helps they have dogs I get to fuss over, dogs I could quite easily socialise with 24/7, they seem to understand my strange aloofness, uninvolment with others. Dogs just get it😃😃😃😃😃😃😃.

Then there’s always something to pique ones interest, changing colours of trees for instance, although right now their dark skeletal branches are mainly devoid of much in the way of any leaf matter, Some however though have this glorious covering of dark olive green waxy ivy leaves, climbing up ever skyward, searching hairy roots clinging to the bark, there for hiding any embarrassment of the trees wintry nakedness…Small birds flit in amongst the leaf litter, their sometimes so fast, you could quite easily miss that flash of brilliant yellow from an aptly named goldfinch, or the chubby red chested Robin who sits up on the highest branches above little tail bobbing, his clear sweet voice replying to a neighbour off in the distance, I know they are only too aware of my presence amidst them, but whether it’s my slowness of gait, quietness or they just don’t find me any kind of threat, I’ve no idea, but they go about their day, inches from where I walk, I feel dozens of eyes observe this strange bi-ped with some degree of curiosity, almost as much as I watch them, it’s such a privilege …

The bench….

After a slow rather cumbersome stroll across the sodden grass, (it had rained over the previous day and night solid without a half time even😁) Anyway my feet are now making obnoxious squashing sqelching sounds, and im giggling away to myself like a possessed two year old, It around about then, i find myself drawn to an old wooden graffiti covered bench, the feet are truly frozen, aching so this is a welcome resting place, also a chance to observe families of Crows interacting, did you know they play?, Often finding a twig or pebble to throw and run after😁,. Huge soft Grey winged wood pigeons snuffling about the grass in search of their breakfast, Dog walkers greeting each other, while throwing balls off into the distance for their dogs to fetch, the dog runs off in some obedient pretension of locating their ball, only to get distracted in seconds by the thick undergrowth nearby, there they go off on their own sniffing adventures. Our equivalent of reading the paper, you can find out a mine of information when your nose is upon the ground…you,’ll have to take my word for this😁😁😁😁😁😁

I in turn watch from a safe distance🙂, part yet apart from their day, This said, every once in a while, As I sit quite immersed in my own thought, a peculiar thing happens.(nice though)..Someone will warily approach, sort of sidling across, before finally plucking up the courage to ask, somewhat timidly, “Can they share the bench”?😁, and I despite my lacking in any form of social togetherness,, well if im honest quite welcome this intrusion of introspection…it’s like that sad, dilapidated graffiti covered bench offers a momentary window of opportunity, a chance meeting of minds, whether alike or otherwise, a chance to share with another a section of their day, And for that brief time, in that no man’s land of companionship it’s like my awkwardness dissipates, I become fully relaxed into this stranger’s company, yet we are not strangers for now, not in the true sense anyway, because we fill those stolen few moments full of our lives, talk of our place of birth, families, dogs, issues of the day, the obligatory weather chat, absolutely anything goes, and it’s wonderful, in fact it’s more than wonderful those captured minutes are Golden and I for one love them…whatever happens upon that tired wooden bench is nothing short of miraculous, magical….

Well enough of my endless chatter, I’ve got hot chocolate to make, the garden birds to feed, their water to de ice, and washing to somehow get dry indoors🤔, oh the bloody joys…Anyhoo folks it’s snowing, cold enough to freeze the wotsits off a brass monkey, get icicles on your flute, so whatever your about today, wrap up warm, put on your fleecy undies and avoid black ice, there’s nowt dainty about landing on your butt, plus it’s embarrassing…..yeah I did😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, still I like purple😁. Take care all and look after you.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Dear Breezy ole Diary …

Monday 3rd of November

For the last three consecutive nights I’ve slept long, deep and sound,(almost unheard of) waking only just long enough to flick the switch on an ancient water heater for the next days hot water…I have this down to a fine art these days, waking an hour or so later, stumbling from my bed out to the cupboard, fumbling about for the switch, and all this still 90% asleep 😴 ..this is also not remembered the following day, nothing ever is before BC…(before Caffeination countdown begins in earnest …

This sleeping malarkey is something quite new to me, normally I will struggle along with 30 minute increments, interspersed with intervals for the odd bathroom break, washing up, kitchen engineering (ok cleaning, but kitchen cleaning sounds mundane even when it is undertaken at 3am…🙄😁, yeah I do this, it’s a thing honest, . Even one extremely painful swollen knee fails to keep me conscious😮, it twinges enough to jolt my eyes open, I look down at it with some disdain, tell it too bloody go B off before sleep claims me once more, and there’s such lucid dreams to be had…Wow!!! if anyone wants to become my ghost writer i,m sure we can create a new best seller between us,😁, On at least more than one occasion I’ve been tempted to grab popcorn before the next instalment begins…😁.

This morning whether it was the extra hours shut eye, boredom or just nothing more than the usual bout of seasonal cabin fever, I made up my mind to escape the confines of the flat, foolish or otherwise, the Weather blowing up a hoolie, rain threatening to create merry havoc, my knee by now big enough to enjoy its own postcode, still the outdoors called seductively upon the breeze, and me being a mere weak willed woman, I’m easily seduced😁, Dressing for warmth, comfort and ease, not caring if the over sized shirt hung off me, or the black hoodie looked two sizes too big and could quite feasibly double up as a fair ground Marquee…(I would however soon live to regret this decision ..

My destination ….the local Asda, the reasoning behind such, shrugs shoulders!, Oh hell I don’t know!, I’ve no clue why I do these weird wacky things, I just know I do, I’m the one doing them, I can’t be expected or bothered to comprehend the where’s and why fors now surely😁, …With no more than a cup of hot coffee for inspiration, I left the relative warm safety of the flat…released into the wilds yay!!!…I would love to say I gambled off into the breezy morn, like a new born spring lamb, but anything further was the truth, I hobbled off in the direction of the nearest shop, my trusty shopping cart groaning under the extra pressure of me leaning heavily for support, wheels squeaking loudly under protest, we set off about our way….Wagons roll!!!….well shopping carts anyhow.. 😁

I won’t go on about the pain levels(yawn)😴 Or the fact it radiated down from the knee to my ankle or that I had once read this really informative article about how cursing verbally could help with pain…So there I am deep in glorious experimentation mode, with this new information, Trolley squealing enough to set off every local hound to howling within the vicinity, Me swaying back and forth like a well infused drunkard sailor, stumbling home after a heavy night at the inn, Uttering away expletives of the likes, My dear sea going best buddy would have been only too proud of…I think I’ve even come up with some rather delectable new ones of my own!😁, by the time I was in full practice, it was early and thank goodness mostly deserted…(Until of course it wasn’t) ….One poor lone lady dog walker came up upon me of a sudden bless her, I was by now in mid flow, yelling down at my now throbbing knee, “oh really can’t you just bloody bxgger off for more than two minutes, You poor excuse for a Puss filled Camels Arxe”!!!!!!!,….She looked at me with this mixture of horror and disgust written acrossed her face, muttering “well really”, “Come along Steven”, pulling at the lead of rather large splendid Grey standard poodle , he trotted along behind her, looking back, with what I liked to think a somewhat amused expression😁, …It wasn’t long before though between the pain, one thick fleece hoodie, mild conditions, sweat began dripping down my back, it was with an agitated arm, that I also wiped it from my brow onto my sleeve, even so it had made it’s way gradually down my forehead and finished up in my eyes, stinging like ffffffff Theresa!!!! erm for goodness sake …😁 sorry folks! ……

Destination….

I did to my credit eventually reach my goal, no mean feat or knee(sorry) when you just want to turn for home every step you take…..(now I have a Sting song playing in my head)…sighs!, Anyhoo after getting to the shop, I remembered what drove me there in the first place,….a local charity shop…yeah I know, absolutely nothing at all to do with the Asda🙄, ….But as with all things Treez related, this particular charity shop was in fact closed on Mondays….sighs of course, so Asda it was then…..

After a pleasant enough interlude, picking up the odd bargain along the way, I made for a slow walk home…divesting myself by now of the thick fleece jacket was a massive help, I found concentrating on my surroundings also took my mind off my pain, I had no intentions of going about my usual walk around the local park, but deep down I knew it was a sure fire way to lift my spirits, there’s just something about the ever changing colours of Autumn trees right now that feeds my imagination.

The ground still wet under foot from The heavy rain the night previous did nothing to deter me, the wind by no w increasing in its Velocity, branches creaking, swaying in the pewter coloured sky, clouds skudding in the distance, even with winds speed, it blew warm, delicious upon my over heated skin…I’ve always loved windy days, I can’t express why, but I’ve always felt this need to be outdoors amid it’s power and excitement…it’s another of those things if you know me you take for granted.

In the park there’s sections of tall bushy leylandii hedges, that offer seclusion and a modicum of protection from the prevailing winds, there when the sun breaks through, despite it now being November, theres still a warmth to be found, I decrease my pace, taking full advantage of clean warm air, breathing deeply of its pine filled sweetness. Beside me in the undergrowth of shady shrubs and trees, it is alive with rustling leaves, being turned over and disturbed by industrious black birds, searching for that mornings breakfast, Blue tits flit vigorously amid the now half naked branches, their plump little bodies darting vivid colour, they are within feet of me, not bothered by my presence in the slightest, it’s either I don’t exist in that moment, I’m seen as no threat or they allow me brief entrance to their secret world …whatever I don’t question it, just feel deep gratitude…and at one with mother nature however momentarily…

The Sky darkened from time to time, maybe a promise of rain, or another empty threat, I take little heed, because I want to sit amid this unfurling drama about me, finish charging my batteries before the walk home, I find my bench,my place.. Just to watch the clouds race across the sky, their colours ranging from soft Doves wing grey infused with pale lavenders, edges of silver, brightest white, patches of cobalt blue push through, have you ever noted how many shades fill one winter sky ? It’s stunning…as are the black headed terns, who dance , twisting about each other on thermals, waltzing to the music of the breeze, their snow white wings glow amidst the grey backdrop, their excited calls to one another renting the air, I’m captivated by their swooping low over the ground, before soaring, gliding the skies on invisible strings….I sit here undisturbed, still getting dizzy on nature’s gifts,

The wind grows stronger as I begin the slow walk home, it’s playful in my hair, tustling it over my eyes, tickling my ears, leaves fall about me, spiralling down in circles before landing, only to be blown in great piles at the base of trees, swirling about the ground, creating a delicious crunch beneath the feet, I can’t help but love this time of year, some think summer the most colourful, to me Autumn and winter give it a run for its money, well enough of my Gassing I’ve Christmas cards to throw together, you think I’m joking 😃😃😃😃😃, no I’m really not..if you get one of my odd creations you,ll understand fully…Anyhow folks take care of you, and stay safe out there…💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💜💜💜💜💜💜x