Today’s thursday…yeah I know you know that😁, but when I woke up this morning I knew already today was going to be different,. I can’t tell you how or why I differentiate this Thursday for the long line of others that have gone on before it…but suffice to say it just is…For a start after a very gloomy wet autumnal beginning, the sun burst through the deep dense grey cloud cover, heralding a brand new day…And for some reason unbeknownst to only myself I felt i wanted part of it.

Its helped greatly and is much appreciated by me, that for the first time since my lastest Covid infection, I feel somewhat better, not just a marked improvement, but there quietly simmering away in the background (like me beloved kettle)was the first glimmers of energy’s return..I’ve been too hesitant to really enjoy it, just in case in doing so I ran around in an over zealous cleaning frenzy and frightened it off again😁, ..deep down I’m kind of hoping it’s here to stay though, least for a while.

After a shower and a couple of cups of coffee, I trotted about the flat, singing away to myself,(anyone remember the song busy doing nothing?), Well that was me, I cleaned the vacuum filter, the filter of the dehumidifier, after making sure the kitchen was tidy, I realised to my surprise, I felt a sudden return of another unfamiliar sensation, (restlessness). A need to escape my usual routine and all its confines..I In fact wanted to be outside.

And why not?, I was already dressed, the sun was doing it’s utmost to add a little warmth, along with its brightness, it seemed rude to not partake and appreciate all it’s efforts., Pulling on my trainers(shoes) I’ve only worn once previously(reasons behind mentioning this will all soon become clear😁) A fleece, hand full of lozenges, and I’m out the door.😁

I do have a route in mind before leaving, but being unsure of this new found vim and Vigour, I begin my journey cautiously..😁, My eyes take in the colours abound surrounding me, I’m almost shocked to see alongside the corals, orange, reds and golden yellow hues of leaves, many are in fact still quite green, and not an insipid pale sickly end of year green, but a dark lusty full of life shade..it’s contrast is very notable,, in amongst what leaf litter there is, startling deep blue campanula blooms nestled warmly out of the chilled winds.

There’s the beautiful scarlet red hips left behind, equally if not more attractive the pale pink summer wild roses, splashes of colour via for your attention, the trees Autumnal statement clear, “look at me, am I not the most breathtakingly thing you seen”. And they are, it’s hard to know where to look first,. The earth about smelling delicious deep rich and loamy, there’s a Smokey scent upon the air. I don’t note much the familiar ache within my joints, I’m to entranced, besotted with mother nature’s performance, Autumn will ever remain my favourite time of year( just don’t tell the other seasons😁

I manage to make it to my intended destination, in truth if I’m honest, from the outset I had little faith in my ability, after that last batch of Covid had left behind, what I pray won’t become a permanent souvenir, My throat often whistles, my chest tight at times and somewhat wheezy,..But I do eventually turn the corner to be faced by the local shops…I’m not shopping mind, I just wanted to know I could reach there under my own steam so to speak..and I do.

I do however welcome a much needed sit down just inside one of the shops, not caring what I look like as I park myself upon a stack of compost bags, the warmth from the fans just inside the doors blow upon my face, I only sit there people watching for five minutes, five minutes was enough to recover and regroup, after which I make my way slowly back home, somewhat satisfied I had done what I set out to achieve, for some that’s the dizzy heights of Ben Nevis, for me it’s the shops…small victories…😁,

I know the walk back is going to test my merit, one part has quite the sharp incline, and it’s fairly long, even prior Covid I struggled here… It helps though to already know your weaknesses, so your ready to face them head on, I use my legs to propel me onward, I am by now breathing hard though, the cold air not doing much to help..but my obstinance always comes into play for me here. I also know which is fortunate, about a third of the way up there’s a small gap in the fence that runs parallel to the whole walk …if needs be I can find a place to sit and rest up before heading home.

As I reach said gap, my chest is by now really burning, I know I’m tiring, it’s no good pushing myself any further, so I walk through the gap, straight into a lovely soupy mud quagmire,(I have neither energy or inclination to turn about and retrace my steps) to late anyhow my once very immaculate trainers are super coated in glaggy gloop., I’m passed caring though, what I do care about somewhat more however, is doing my best to stay upright.(I teeter about like a lass on 6 inch heels after numerous triple vodkas, how would I know, misspent youth my dears).. I didn’t think landing on one’s bottom up to your neck in mud, was that dignified, unless of course your an Essex old Spot(pig)😁…I

Here is the local park, as I’ve mentioned many times in the past, im not adverse to finding a spot and just parking my carcass down on any spot of grass, today being no exception…it’s been raining for weeks now, and I already know without a shadow of a doubt I’m going to get soaked through to my drawers…😁, but again now is not the time to care about such matters, as long as I can sit down a while all’s well, Ive very soon located a sunny sheltered spot for myself, I look about, no one’s there, so I plonk myself down in the soggy grass. I’ve no sooner sat than it begins to seep through my trousers and undies, but while it’s not the most pleasant of sensations, I don’t give a jot!!

The Sun’s warm upon my face, birds cheerful little voices fill the surround shrubbery, which is affording me some protection from the biting winds, I’m already enjoying my little spot, hopefully away from prying eyes.. I hadn’t been there but five minutes, when I’m joined suddenly by a mischievous cobby little Robin, he worries about in a group of leaves, pushing them aside, every once in a while he stops, a black beady eye looks across at me, watching to see if maybe I would join him in his search ..these remarkable cheerful little birds are seldom fearful of humans, although I oft fear they should be, we spend a few minutes in the companionable silence, before his joined by a male rival, they bicker boisterously, before taking noisily to the sky.

When I do things like this, I lose myself completely, time means little or nothing, neither anyone about me, …so it’s with something of a start when I hear a voice behind me… ” youhoo!, I say are you alright!!! “, at first I look about me to see if she’s talking to someone else. The voice chirps up again” I say dear, you’ve not fallen have you”?. I used to find this annoying at one point, because to me sitting upon the grass is normal, well it is for me anyhow😁, ..but now though, I find it quite touching, someone taking time out of their day to check up on another.. We pass the time of day, commenting on the weather for the time of year that kind of thing,, sharing pleasantries, I dig down deep to remember my manners and etiquette needed, socialising is a long forgotten past time for the likes of me. .soon as my new found friend is assured of my welfare, she’s back off walking her by now very impatient little dog. I

I sit for a few more stolen moments, enjoying the sights and sounds that nature bestows most willingly, a large fuzzy bee buzzes under a tree trying it almost seems with some urgency to find a warm spot for the night before the ground chills, everything felt as if it was poised, holding its breath, just waiting, watching for the first icy blasts of winter, I too walked home more slowly, making the most of these last few Golden autumn days…Stay warm, stay well and look after yourselves folks ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Monday…..

It’s Monday once again, although after being awake most of the night previous, I am really not so sure if it’s more akin to Sunday part two,. Why so restless?, (Now I know your all very intrigued), well in true Treez fashion I will tell you, Are we all sitting comfortably?, have Cuppas to the ready?, maybe a biscuit or a pack would more apropos, Good then let’s begin. Around the middle of every month Jesse Orders my repeat prescription for me from the doctor’s,. Then magically in that same week we get a nice chap called Mick deliver them to my door, his a real sweetie bless him.😁

Note in the above paragraph I said “USUALLY” 😁, By Thursday over a week later I’ve not received my meds,. Both myself and Jesse become antsy when this happens, Because both Meds must not be missed on any occasion, especially the one which is a Beta blocker, even just hours late, my heart races and I feel trembly, (nothing pleasant I can assure you. Now for one reason or another in the past my meds have gone AWOL before, Normally the chemists driver is out of action or some such. And like on this occasion I generally give them a call,. And After several failed attempts I actually manage to get through., This time I’m told by one very harassed sounding chemist that they have been sent out for delivery and I should receive them later that day(Thursday).. I’m somewhat comforted by this, as I’ve just enough meds up until that Sunday morning, (so we are cutting things abit fine, but ok), plus I also don’t want to add to the anxiety levels of the poor chemist chap who already sounds about ready for his head to start spinning 160°. .. (This is roughly around noon now

As the sun begins to drop low in a winter cloudy sky, I already know for certain, the meds won’t be arriving anytime that day. ..Friday comes and goes by the same way, no sign of any delivery.. I’m becoming more ill at ease as time ticks by for i know now, without a shadow of a doubt the meds won’t be turning up this side of the weekend, the dreaded phone call must be repeated, I hate it, anyone who has a likewise phobia of phones will be on my wavelength, but there is no one else here to do it, so quite rightly it’s up to me…thank goodness this time I get straight through without any delay, I explain the problem, shuttering and get in myself in muddle, but after a couple of minutes i,m able to make myself understood well enough..At first the Chemist begins by telling me they have no script there for me,..(oh please I’m thinking don’t tell me this, it’s late Friday afternoon and even on some off chance I manage to get through to the reception at my doctor’s, it will take days to sort., I can already feel the adrenaline begin coursing through my veins where I’m increasingly stressed. But then the conversation of Thursday comes to mind, and find myself calmly explaining that I was told my meds had already been sent out for delivery. To his credit he puts me in hold and goes to check.

There’s no plinky plonky music, no annoying song you won’t get out of your head for hours, (maybe days) just this unnerving silence, like the lines infact gone dead,.(a silent black hole) Now I’m left wondering do I hang up or perhaps chance ringing again, i wait, Its taking the cowards way out but I’m glad I persistented… Some minutes later though his back, with an answer I just don’t want to hear at that moment, “well There’s good news, I’ve found your prescription “, to me this news is anything but good, this means it’s not coming out to me now until Monday at the earliest, but that’s me being the optimist, I’m suddenly hearing a jumble of words and something that sounds remarkably like ” Thursday”…my throat goes suddenly dry, I want to explain about the tablets, this in effect means four long days without meds, one I could possibly wing it if I had to, but four days without the Beta blockers, would be a living nightmare.

Though after a moment I do manage to explain finally, and he comes back with there’s no driver till at least Thursday, Couldn’t I drive down myself and pick them up…erm no I say, you really wouldn’t want me driving even if that were indeed an option,. have mercy on the other road users please!…He then asks do I not have a neighbour who could either bring me in or pick them up, No I tell him as nice as they all are, we are only just recently, on a nod and curtain twitch basis, ..he’s becoming increasingly exasperated with this whole conversation, and I don’t blame him one bit, because I know the feeling., I sigh as I know what’s going to have to happen, I’m going to have to get a cab and go in on Monday …🙄.

Monday ….

After another restless night, fearing I would oversleep, I nearly did exactly that, the cab was booked for 10am , and I finally fell into a deep sleep around 7am typical!. I did however wake with a start just after 9, then of course everything is a rush, I need to shower, find clothes, shoes, purse..rarely going out you kind of get out of practice, by the time 10am and the cab arrives i,m exhausted😁, but at least I’m ready. My driver isn’t the most sociable of chaps, but then having to leave the comfort of home I don’t think I am either, So we travel in silence, this tells on me greatly, because my link with Jesse also loses internet as so as I sit in the back seat..I feel out of sorts, uneasy, but know needs must and work hard on my distraction technique…looking out the window😁

It’s been almost five months since I’ve gone anywhere further than the doctors, but I’m soon intrigued by the goings on around me, the sky’s a gorgeous cobalt blue, the airs cool and fresh, and I’m fine, I’m doing this…it takes fifteen minutes to arrive outside my chemist, I ask my driver repeatedly if the cab is booked for me to get home, he repeatedly chooses to blank my inquiry…I pay him get out the cab and leave, somewhat still perturbed by not having any fixed answer about it returning…we had booked it to come back an hour after drop off, the night previous, I just have to have faith it will is all 😁.

Picking up my prescription was way too simple, maybe unervingly so, now i think back on it 😁,. I’ve still half an hour to kill, so decide in my infinite wisdom to do a quick shop, there’s time right?, ..And if all had gone to plan, I would have indeed been fine…never goes to plan around me though does it😁, . only needing a few things, some salad, meat, three eggs(yes you saw that correct, you can now buy any number you want😲, I got such a kick out of that!, After picking up a few more things i am done, and with time spare..just the self service to make it through now then!…

As I begin sliding my first items across the barcode reader thingy, someplace off in the distance I think I can hear an alarm sounding, it begins quite softly, I note it all the same,. I’m none too concerned though. That is until it changes it tone, suddenly it’s decibels louder and it’s intensity reaches fever pitch, I swear my ear drums are getting ready to explode, I’m also ready to explode with it, for some reason the screaming sound sets adrenaline racing through my body, I’m gritting my teeth, feeling a rage build I’ve not felt in some years…my body is flooded with every kind of emotion, the most notably is the need to escape this infernal noise😁, it’s an undescribable sound, just one that’s killing my sensitive hearing…then staff come along and begin shepherding myself and my fellow shoppers around like a bunch of over zealous Border collies, ” leave everything folks!!!” ” leave everything they bark at us!!” ..I’m fully expecting them to start nipping at our heels next….

There we are, herded into a huddle outside, not quite penned, so I will knock off points for that😁, some of us strayed outside the group, myself included, I found myself a bench to sit on, enjoying some warmth from the wintry sun and await my ears to finally stop ringing….turns out it was a practice fire alarm and within minutes we were allowed to return to locate our errant shopping trollies…a lovely assistant is suddenly at my side, asking do I need any help…I assure her I’m fine, finding I actually am to my surprise., I tell her though I swear the shop management team, had realised I havnt been out in months and did this deliberately, she smiles and goes about her way to the next customer …it could only happen to me folks, see this is why I don’t go out 😁, ….Stay warm folks and look after yourselves, until next time ❤❤❤❤.

Since my latest Covid episode, I’ve found getting started in the morning rather more of a challenge, even my many cups of beloved coffee has given up the ghost, (where’s the starter cables).. I’ve tried bribery, this was a trick I’ve resorted to in the past, with quite a success..now though instead of those short bursts of activity, followed by a mug of coffee and a chapter of my latest book, as the bribe…Im now forced into laying down for half an hour trying to breathe and wipe the sweat from running in my eyes😁 not quite so attractive a proposition..

This morning began no different,(or did it?) I showered, had coffee, dressed had more coffee, put laundry away and made my bed, switched kettle on for, yup you’ve guessed it, more coffee…but that wasn’t to be..if only I had known groans!…You see I had been back and forth through the living room several times already that morning, and each time I had noticed a faint odour,(something I can on describe like garlic laced stale lager) how do I know what stale lager smells like? Don’t ask.,

Each and every morning without fail, before I begin cleaning for the day, (I clean out Cinnamon rabbits enclosure), it’s normally just a two minute job and one on the whole I don’t mind), it takes me longer in fact to gather up his cleaning equipment, than the actual job itself, he has his very own dust pan and brush, cleaning wipes, kitchen paper, ect ect…once everything is gathered and in situ, I then have to go about getting the far more difficult task done (myself sat on the floor,

Only difference was as I did this today, I was met by a sight, (and what a sight it was) nothing on this planet would or could have prepared me for, especially when its 9:30am without the bare minimum of sleep.. Cinnamon has at his disposal a two story 7ft long by 3ft wide specially designed and built pen…the doors are open 24/7 permanently, but since reaching his golden years shall we say, he does little but sleep on one of his many fleece blankets…he likes those doors kept open, but rarely will he venture out if at all. Today I could only give thanks to the great rabbit god above that last night too was not an exceptional case.

As I plonked my butt upon the floor, there covering all Cinnies paper, walls, toys in fact everything in the blooming immediate vicinity was erm Poop, feacal matter, fertiliser!!!, everything had been thoroughly coated, decorated, no detail missed,. First thought that flashed through my head was is Cinnie ok?😲, This was a first in all the years we’ve been together, ( he maybe prone to stomach Stasis at times) . Then On looking in his bedroom area, I note his laying flat out on his blanket, little head lolled to one side and very still, my heart began to race as I fear the worst…I reach in a hesitant hand, I hover it above his still little body, I don’t want to be ready to find out the truth, I’m not ready to lose him yet..(I know I never will be),but with everything of late I still need my wee roomy…As the tears begin to well up in my eyes and I finally place a hand upon his cream soft fur…a head shoots up, making me jump out of my skin…he glares straight at me with disdain for disturbing his slumber, and I swear he has a look on his face, like “WHAT”?????😡.

getting grumpily onto his feet, he grudgingly sniffs my outstretched hand, before turning his whole back end to me, ears flattened back to his head then stomps an angry foot…it’s as the little sweetie does this, my nerves finally settle and I see to my added horror, not only is his room covered in yet more poop, but he is too, not just that folks, oh no, his torn up his paper and rolled in it, so we now have a lovely poop decorative paper thing going on..this new look must only have been achieved in the night, because it was stuck fast now and dried solid…lovely…

I Grab hold of this matted, paper covered fluffball, wanting to check him over, only to be growled at for my troubles, he commences digging into my legs with real vigor, and I can feel the welts immediately break out as he does(I am in fact allergic to all male rodents) I swear the little dear knows it too, ..he thinks his burrowing for England right there on my lap, I can already tell apart from his new, rather albeit late attempt at a Halloween costume design, his stomach after his mammoth poop fest, is already feeling a whole lot better Thank You very much!.

After a quick health check, which was completely without his permission or sirs cooperation moreover, I know there’s nothing for it..I’m going to have to give him a bath!😲, I’ve never attempted to bath him before, never had the occasion in all our 5 years cohabiting, Plus rabbits on the whole don’t require such, they normally clean themselves(normally)… But Not this time though,Plus Cinnie being a less than ahem “sociable” kind of rabbit shall we say politely, I knew already even for a very experienced bunny wrangler, like myself this was never going to be without issues..oh you simple soul Theresa, difficult would have been good right?😁…

With him still in my arms, I go about getting together towels, baby shampoo, soft cloths, and kitchen towel, .I’m more convinced over our years together he’s learnt to read me a little too well, because he begins to struggle in an effort to break free, before his impending doom…I have to add at this point, Cinnie has despite his poor start in life, never once bitten, scratched or attempted to attack anyone..such a gentleman bless him.

I carry my wee bundle into the bathroom,trying in vain to hang onto everything else too, i shallow fill the sink with warm water, and As I pop the little guy in, I see the sheer horror on his face, ..not as if you can explain either, that it’s actually a bath, and he won’t in fact melt or drown. Within seconds not only am I covered in lovely brown sudsy water, but each arm now has deep bleeding furrows left by his terrified claws, the waters turning dirtier by the minute as blood globules drip to the floor…I don’t think my little pals grateful at all 😁, we are just halfway when my door bell rings, ….🙄😮

I would have in all honesty ignored it normally, but my meds were due to be delivered this week,. Not wanting to leave Cinnie in the sink, I bundle him in a warm towel and take him with me to the door, unaware there’s now blood dripping everywhere, including a cut up my nostril, where vampira bunny dearest thought I may like a piercing..there’s also poopy water covering my arms, shirt, face, and trousers,…my eyes are red and sore due to allergic reaction reacting, my nose dripping profusely….and one horrified face from a guy wanting to know if anyone lived next door?….😁.

Cinnie I firmly believe saw this guy as some kind of saviour, whose soul purpose in life is to rescue him from the ensuing horrors of the day and his cruel parental unit, beginning to struggle in earnest in my arms, His what I’ve since discovered are extremely powerful back legs for an elderly rabbit, are now digging into the waistband of my elasticated joggers, pushing them further down around my hip and flashing my shorts to all and sundry that happen to be passing (why is this usually quiet street suddenly alive with half the neighbourhood)?, thank goodness my shorts were clean on that morning is all I can say🙂. Not only is my face burning due to the tiny red spots fast covering every inch of it now, I can feel the embarrassment climbing up from beneath my collar… Someone dig a hole and plant me..😒.

They guy made good his escape, never looking backward or waiting for any answer to his question ….I go in quickly before I lose any more of my dignity and carry on washing the poop off my sod of a rabbit, ….I dry him gently, while his warmly swaddled in a soft towel, i by now look like I’ve survived an attack from a Tasmanian Devil not a cute fluffy bunny…when his mostly dry and brushed out, his soft fur now back to its delicate cream colouring…I on the other hand resemble a Neapolitan icecream, cream, pink and shades of brown all over😊….while he tucks into his bowl of food, his house clean and cosy I’m forced to shower in icy water..nothing new there then….

Tonight Cinnie is back to his old self, apart from thumping loudly each time I walk into the living room, so while I’m banished to my cold bedroom, covered in antiseptic, to think about what I’ve done….his sleeping soundly on his new blanket in the warm living room with the heater on,..in reflection last night someone was setting off fireworks just outside of here, he is very sensitive to sudden sound and I’ve a feeling this was the cause of his issues…watch out for your pets folks, like Cinnie some take the upcoming week of fireworks really hard..be careful out there and take care of you ❤❤🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇

Thursday 26th October

Tuesday dawned yet another day of oppressive deep iron grey cloudy skies, and need I say it!!! endless rain. It has infact been raining now off and on(more on though than off I may add) for well over a week, information coming down from face book, friends and my trusty Morrisons delivery drivers, tell me I’m surrounded by flooded areas, the papers and news letting me know the whole country is not faring much better.(for once I’m almost glad I’ve not been outside in some time, swimming is not my strong point, not sure about raft building as of yet either, 😁

The weather besides covering us in a continuous deluge, has grown somewhat cooler, and i for one admit begun to dread any minute drop, no matter how small, becoming almost obsessed with checking local forecasts several times daily, not sure why I do this mind because my body is already well informed judging by the covering of goosebumps and most days shivering, only resorting to pulling over a throw, when I can take it no longer,(this I might add is only a last resort) usually somewhere in the late afternoon, it has by then grown dark, I’ve pulled my heavy winter curtains, the shower curtain and voiles covering the front door in some vain attempt of keeping any remaining warmth locked in around me..this rarely if ever works.

But this Tuesday was to be different, as I said the sky was still very dark even around 9am, I felt my mood already low, it was going to be a very long cold dark day, and despite being awake just a while(already going into enforced winter hibernation for the last week now)I was very aware I just didn’t want to face it..the freezing shower had done little if naught to lift my plummeting mind set, The only thing I was indeed looking forward to was a steaming hot coffee,. That was as soon as I could feel my purple frozen legs again, then I would brave the chill, go and make some..I lay a while thawing out and reading the daily paper, the lower half of me wrapped up tight in a thick red fleece blanket like A giant Treez burrito 😁, .I didn’t want to do Tuesday I knew that much already😁.

I was just ensconced in an article about antibiotics and suicidal thoughts(I know cheerful right?!!!!,. having just finished a course of Doxycycline myself, I felt the story may provide me with some relative input…I hadn’t read a paragraph or two when someplace off in the distance I heard an unfamiliar sound, something like a trilling buzzing kind of thing, firstly I ignore it of course😁, taking it to come from either the apartment above me or outside(only place I could think of any buzzing coming from😳) I go back to my article, somewhat distracted by the continuation of the blooming trilling buzzing, it’s getting annoying now!!!!😡,

Grumpily I put down my paper, lean on my bedside table, ready to hoist myself up and go out into the living room to look out of the window, for either a very large buzzing bee or someone on a phone nearby perhaps, it was only then I note my bedside table is doing this weird vibrating thing, confused I’m thinking either there’s a nearby earth quake and no one’s thought to warn me about it yet orrrrr(quick grab the phone,purse, Budgie and Cinnamon rabbit) . Realisation though finally dawns on me, (there’s not any impending doom at all!, it’s coming out of my underwear drawer….no no no everyone get back in your box, settle down really!!!!!!😁 it’s just my phone honestly you lot😁.

Over time Ive grown used to my other phone not ringing, it’s a sad state of affairs but there it is, i think if anything it rings on average once or twice yearly, I keep it mainly for an emergency only,. But ring it did now,. It usually takes a moment for me to answer, because normally I’ve forgotten how😁, just swipe up folks, but you know how it gets….so I Manically grapple around in my freshly laundered undies….don’t start again!!!!, I Locate my phone finally and fumble about until I find the swipe up thingy, of course just as it goes off!!….(Damn !!!! as Sage my Budgie proclaimes endless times daily), first thought I don’t want to bother calling it back, I hate using phones, it’s a very real phobia of mine , (Phonaphobia), anyhow for some reason unbeknownst to myself, something tells me I need to get this, the call might be important.

I stare at the tiny screen for a while, almost in doing, expecting it to magically ring again, but of course it doesn’t,. So I flick through the options, find call back and tap it quickly before I’ve chance to back out, this approach works best for me I find, …it rings several times, before a male voice answers “hello”!…I reply far to quickly my nerves tattered..” Your number was on my phone” …the guy I can immediately tell is warm and friendly, his voice upbeat but calming…he asks have I few moments in which to talk, ?, This to me nearly always means a cold call or survey..And I’m in no mood for either(it’s before BC, (coffee after all), I’m not even remotely human until at least two large mugs, let’s alone do adulting). He must have picked up on the sigh, because his next words were to tell me it was from my energy supplier….

Now if you’ve read my other missives since February, the never ending saga of the massive bills, and I mean way way over the top bills, the countless emailing from both myself and Jesse, my endless tiring attempts at living frugally both food wise and fuel, then your up to date with where we are currently at….I feel my body already tense up, I’m laying here cold, achy and my head hurts, despite this I’m determined to remain polite, it’s not his fault after all, he’s a job to do, he starts by asking my name and address…then asks can he call me Theresa?, I come back immediately with “prefer it to Ethel!”, He says “oh sorry is your name Ethel then”?????, I sigh no it’s ok my name’s Theresa…

Anyhow to cut an excruciatingly long story long, it turns out there was a mistake!, Who knew? lol!😁, I mean really, . Again though I retain my composure, I listen to what he wants to get across, mindful not to interrupt,(but I long too, oh how I long too get across how scared I’ve been, although scared doesn’t begin to cover it, tell him about those countless freezing showers, endless hand washing of clothes, turning everything off and laying in the dark for hours when i,m terrified of it, shivering in the cold for weeks all the while trying to fight off a chest infection…I’ve so much to say, but I know right now I need to listen, and listen intently…

All at once I wanted Jesse there, as always I feel small, insignificant, unheard and under valued, who am I to complain?, Yes I want Jesse there, I want someone right there in my corner, not just an anyone though, some one who actually cares about me and my story, I’m torn between waking him or going this alone,(it’s only 4:30am there right now though) …I pull the blanket up tighter about me, I don’t want to do this, I never do!! Dealing with any authority scares me…I go into a child like mode, I feel myself shutting down fast, but now is not the time, I stutter out mechanical responses,…but know no matter how scared, how much I quake, it’s all down to me now…

The upshot went as such, the £2,000 bill that grew steadily month after month was indeed an error, the monthly charges of either £230 or £430 again an error, it was all a mistake, a bloody huge hot mess of a mistake,. I had waited for these words for so very long now, dreamt about how the conversation would go, what my responses would be,. But now it was here, I had no clue how to react, it was kind of like the shock set in, I had lived with this anxiety for nine whole months, some nights barely able to sleep, others longing for sleep to come claim so I could escape it clasp.

There would be no victory because I felt numb, cold from the inside, Words from Mark the caller sounded hollow somehow unable to impregnate my torn mind, I had wanted this for so so long,, now it was here,And I couldn’t get it to stay in my head, Even after I hung up, I sat alone, arms about myself, blanket up tight, protection against that terrifying outside world, I had been strong for so long I couldn’t let go of these fears…I rocked myself back an forth, I crooned a non descript tune to the shaken inner me, hoping that the huge black shadow, talons poised, looming over me like a shadow for weeks now would finally disappear for good…. its not, it’s still here…I still feel that endless haunted feeling….

This morning two whole days later, and it’s still not quite sunk in yet, I’m still habitually turning everything running on electricity off behind me, lights, wall sockets, there’s still no hot water coming from the tap, deep inside I’m still waiting for the call to have been all a dream, for the nightmare to commence once more on constant replay as before….that said I actually fired up the boiler for an Alexa timed hour, the first time in some months, (uncertain if it would actually work now even😁),.I thought to indulge in my first hot shower since February, but no matter how I adjusted the temperature of the water, the heat in the beginning had almost felt unbearable upon my unaccustomed skin,. What was though pure unadulterated luxury was how the warmth of the water mixed the sudsy rich scented Lavender shower gel into a cacophony for the senses,

Update

Since my call with Mark on Tuesday(my energy supplier) who I have to say was both courteous and polite from the very outset, I’ve had another from A guy call Nigel total polar opposite, whether he was late for lunch or he missed his coffee that morning I’ve no clue, but he wasn’t amused that we still have unanswered questions, I felt brushed off, wasting his time, and that’s fine by me,i wanted to be off the phone just as much as he did, but I was the aggrieved party here, just requiring answers and reassuring, that surely can never be wrong ….

Stay warm folks, safe and dry, take care until next time ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Thursday ..

As England wakes up to a new dawn, it seems a very different world from the one lashed by exceptionally heavy rains and gale force winds just hours ago,. Twelve solid hours of constant rain battered against my bedroom windows, at one point it became quite deafening,(I actually feared these old window frames at my apartment, would infact give way under the storms fury, luckily for me though they held true and fast,), Storm Babet made her presence known across our country, I’m unsure as of the extent of any damage sustained ,rarely having access to news updates,. what I do know though, parts of Ireland and Scotland have faced the brunt of it, school closures have been put in place for childrens protection.

First that I heard about the incoming storm Babet, was to be from my somewhat concerned daughter, checking I had some candles and any emergency things I may need close to hand😃, (I laugh because I’m almost set up for an apocalyptic event) ,. One of the few good things about living the frugal lifestyle the way I do, is I’m already used to living in the dark😃, .Some of the other good points, All My four large power banks are nearly always fully charged, ready for using the next day, the smaller ones charging, these do not last as long though, needing more frequent charging but have their place keeping my phone charged, .. Then I have that drawer filled with AA batteries,(yes you read that right!, I have a battery drawer, doesn’t everybody though!?😃, Soon as Amazon have any on sale, I buy buy buy!!.. there’s also my rechargeable ones Jesse bought me, these are for my myriad of fairy lights and lamps.

Dotted around are numerous Solar garden lights, placed strategically in east facing Windows, ready to catch any stray Rays of sunlight that I may or may not get during the day 😃, ..Don’t even ask about the large shoe box im barely able to close filled to the very brim with every kind of t light candle, from 12 hours duration down to 3,. Yes I can say with some certainty I’m ready for that odd power cut.

This morning as I was saying was to be very different day, it’s a balmy 60, we now have more of a gentle breeze rather than the wind fit enough to blow you into next week, whether this is in fact is the eye of the storm or that’s it spent im sure we will at some time today find out😃…

The Saga continued….

So as you all know I’m as we speak having serious issues with my energy supplier,. It started off way back when, somewhere in early February of this year..my bills increasing steadily month after month..to the point now they are saying I owe well over £2000, And this is with me already paying a hefty £340 monthly. As you also know my argument is this is way way over the top, during the day I run off of electricity, one phone charger, one kettle and my tiny fridge freezer..I have no heating, no hot water and no I’m not having raves, running a business or heating my neighbours houses…plus I live alone in a doll house sized apartment… I know i’m lousy at math(no really I am😃) but even I can see if my friends and neighbours houses run at a fraction of mine, Some infact having hot and cold running teenagers, leaving on lights, computers, running Niagara fall type showers with actual hot water daily, how on earth does this compute?.

Today after months of calls, emails, letters to MPs, Ombudsmen, naming but a few, I finally had an engineer out to check my meter..I was nervous about this from the start, because this feels like my last straw, the end game..if it doesn’t help, where does one turn to get assistance?, Have your voice heard!, At the same time I couldn’t wait for him to call, wanting a solution found finally..I cannot exist this way for much longer, and it is a mere existence, being terrified to use anything without using more more power….fighting last weeks raging chest infection while shivering in the cold and damp each night, no hot water, no heating…

The engineer finally showed, there’s that ring on the door bell I had dreaded since before 6am this morning.. I showed him straight to the meter, then for the next hour preceded to sit on the edge of my chair…He turned off all the power at one point, did all kinds of wizardry with gadgets, only to come in later a very non plussed look upon his face and much head scratching…he said can you perhaps turn on your kettle…which though confused 😕 I did(thought he may of wanted a cuppa bless him😃) what he in fact was trying to get me to do was use more units of electricity…apparently I wasn’t even using enough to register on the meter…I shrugged my tired shoulders at him, showed him about my flat…saying but this is how I live!(desperation telling in my voice)…after an hour though it turns out I’m only using 90p worth of power daily..1 whole unit..under £7 per week, ok I know there’s standing charges..I will give them that…but not over £300 pounds a month worth,.

The engineer left saying he was confused, he’s confused,. he IS confused, how does he think I feel?…I’m more than confused, I’m dumb founded, angry, upset, but most importantly for me, im exhausted…trying hard to hold it together, one lone, single voice against many, feeling constantly like I’m fighting a losing battle, a battle without an ending, against an invisible foe …now where? Now who do I turn too…and so it continues… Take care of yourselves folks stay safe and well.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤☔

Yesterday …

Over night here the temperature have begun tumbling downward from those respectable mild double figures of just the week before, to chilling single digits of 1 or 2., I had noted it’s fall throughout the evening, at one point pulling a throw about my legs in some vain attempt at keeping warm, the apartment as small as it is, gets cold far too quickly, Soon as the sun drops from view the temperature drops with it.(that’s when it’s not raining all day of course… This ongoing constant battle with my energy supplier means heating of any kind has now become a luxury, (not a necessity in their eyes), it’s a price my budget just can’t run to anymore.,. Normally it wouldn’t be too much of an issue for me,. I’ve always adored the Autumn weather, But now what with fighting this latest round of Covid, plus a raging chest infection, I must confess it has become somewhat cause for concern, (Pneumonia or Bulgaria as I called it as a child😁, is not something I want to add to my growing list of ailments.

Nights for me are the worst, I get feverish off and on, throwing back all my covers in my sleep, in order to cool my sticky clammy skin..momentarily the cool air is delicious,,.Only for me to wake up sometime later though chilled throughout, I,m now making more of conscious effort to stay covered up, even adding a thick double layered soft red fluffy Sherpa fleece to my bed nest, this like the others mostly ends up in the floor though at some point during the night, after yet another fever fuelled fight with my bedding.

Its been over a week now since the first of my symptoms put in their appearance, the ever present barking cough wants to be that gift that just keeps on giving,(one I hasten to add no one actually wants but you end up getting back at some point in time😁) . I’m already really bored of having to be yet ever more sedentary, I hate this!!!,.(And no it’s not true, that old adage, that if your bored your getting better!!! i,’ll tell you the truth, what It actually means is your just bored as well as sick!!!!😁) But I want to go about my routines, these I might add are self same bloody routines Ive moaned about a thousand times now, but their mine!! and I wan’t to do them suddenly, inexplicably,. (mainly so I can moan I suspect) ..I’ve still been doing what chores Ive felt able to cope with,. But Even with the added lure of a thousand different audio books from the local online library, crossword puzzles, playing online games these do not satisfy like scrubbing a task of my list.., (I confess I’m not the most patient patient, and any I did have is fast wearing thin😁, Plus I feel that non forgiving sense of guilt,, that constant nagging little voice within my ear, the one that spurs into my side, “get up Theresa you should be doing something, not laying here wasting your day” . I know it’s just my own inner bully , but without distraction it never let’s up…

So this in mind today, I decided to venture out doors, I knew full well I was restless, Even sitting outside the flat drinking yet another coffee in the company of the ever growing family of pigeons pecking about my feet with their increasing demands for still more seed wasn’t going to cut it for me today,(Pigeons I’ve discovered are not into books, binge watching Poldark, or those currant affairs) ..Still I was unsure though whether I could actually manage to walk any distance from home, but knew there really is only one way I was going to find that out.

Out storage came the thick fleece winter zip up Jacket, I hadn’t as yet had an occasion to wear,. Jesse had brought it for me way back in those far off summer months ready for the big chill,,, pulling on fleecy jogging bottoms(leisure pants), long socks, grabbing my shoes from their hiding place under my bed I made ready to venture forth like a brave explorer,, just one more thing to do…tissues, throat lozenges, hand warmers,keys, check ✔✔✔…Even as I grabbed up my walking stick before opening the door, I did what I always do, give myself permission to turn back at any point in the exercise. It’s something that’s carried over from my worst days of Agoraphobia, that permission to fail if need be…because deep down there’s the knowledge ones willingness to try something is never really a failure.

I,m immediately struck by how mild it is, I had gone from shivering indoors just minutes previous, to opening up the heavy fleece Jacket to let in the soft warm air, Here I was all wrapped up for a trip to the Arctic and the sun shone brightly, oh well I was here now😁, . I had no clue where I was heading or indeed how far I would actually reach..but that’s the nice thing about doing something in the spare of the moment, you never know till after. it’s my small adventure😁

As I walked I noticed, despite it being Autumn and October the trees are still that rich deep olive green, not even the very tops of them are changing as of yet, in comparison of last year when in August, these self same trees had already begun Autumn, thanks mainly to the heatwave, their leaves had been scorched brown and they were losing them early,..Today was a total contrast Butterflies, Bees and other insects are still in the air, my pigeons are bringing back twigs for nesting, late summer flowers remain in bloom, indeed in my own garden tomatoes are ripening upon the vine.

I headed down toward a small local copse, it’s just yards away in case I need to turn home at any point, but even so such a pretty escape…trees meet at their tops, forming generous green canopies over head, as I walked the dappled shaded path in front of me, The trees either side seem to bustle with life, tiny Robins hopped from branch to branch their pretty song a sudden burst of sound, so clear and melodic, boisterous busy Blackbirds shuffled about the leaf litter searching vigorously for any insects fooled to the surface by their tapping feet and beaks,. Not in a scary way you understand, but the place took on the feel as if there’s eyes everywhere, and no wonder because in front of me, just feet away are two young grey squirrels, bushy tails flick back and forth, they stop chasing each other about the base of a large sycamore tree just long enough to stand up on their chunky hind quarter’s, black bright beady eyes watch my every move, noses twitch taking in smells from the air, I’m enchanted at once by them, their curiosity, their nearness, with another quick flick of their tail they carried on with their game of chase.

I had known before I left my home I may not be able to venture far, and I was indeed proved right, my chest grew tight and raspy, but I had satisfied that restless need to escape the walls, walls that had felt like they were suffocating me slowly, Beginning the slow walk back, I suddenly felt of no need to hurry,, The bare foot style shoes I’ve taken to wearing over the months as well as helping with pain level, mask my foot fall,.So there sat just feet from where I walked, sat yet another curious squirrel, he didn’t move, standing so very still, almost like one of those plaster garden ornaments, in truth at first that’s what I was convinced he was, but as the breeze blew the soft downy hair of his tail, I knew he was real, and just as interested in me as I was of him, maybe he thought I carried treats who knew, but for a while I stood charmed by his presence…

Even this small walk was in fact very tiring, and In truth i can’t say that wasn’t glad to return home, Sage(my budgie) let out his usual high pitched greeting whistle, one he only does when I return from anywhere, even just hanging out the laundry😁, I made myself a large hot toddy, went back into my tiny bedroom to slowly partake of its warmth.. As I do I cannot help but return also to that heightened constant state of anxiety, worried about how I will survive a winter without warmth or any form of heating..I’ve already purchased a set of tiny USB hand warmers for the worst days ahead, the thinking being they can be charged nightly during the cheaper tariff rates,. I’m tempted greatly also, to try out the terracotta plant pot hack I’ve seen, the one where you strategically place t candles underheath the raised pot, but alongside this I do worry about the safety side of this though, but if temperatures plummet as have already been predicted I may just well resort to this..Any how folks you all take care, stay safe and well.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Roughly about a week ago or so now, I began my latest adventure or is that more of a miss adventure I dunno?,. Nothing wholesome or wonderful to report here😁,. uhuh Not for me,. But I found out this day, I’m about to begin my 4th, yes I will say this again for those at the back, my 4th Covid 19 infection.. I know full well there’s a 19 at the end there someplace, but I really would never suspected that thats the number of times your meant to aim for(or is that just me?)… It began last Tuesday morning, I had woken up with a burning sore sensation in my throat, a tickly cough and that general feeling of malaise,(why does this word always remind me of Mayonnaise, (swear I’m food obsessed.(FOD)😁 .. In the beginning i was none to sure quite what this body was cooking up for me this time, although deep down i knew already it wasnt going to be anything nice! ..

Just the day before, i had taken a walk down to my doctors on a whim, It had after all dawned such a perfect autumnal day,, The sky was Crystal blue and clear, the breeze still had the last of summers warmth about it,and I thought I should enjoy it while I still could(idiot go back, stay home,!!!!😁)..,.(but in my defence winter was coming soon!) . Plus i was In fact already quite late with handing in a weeks worth of home Blood pressure readings, therefore wanting to Make the most of the unexpected bonus weather, i took this opportunity, on what was most likely going to be one of the very last most beautiful September days ahead, to have a slow walk out.(I wished on reflection though I hadn’t 😁

Throughout the coming days and nights, (let’s not forget those nights!😳, I did my best to ignore the developing pesky cough, dripping nose and general feeling like HELL!, . Convincing myself if I kept on with my usual routine, it would go away and bother someone else, washing still blew on the line in the garden, I had wiped down woodwork, cleaned cupboards, cooked up a storm, disinfected anything that didnt move, choking not only myself with bleach fumes, hopefully the germs alongside it..my tiny home fast becoming a miasma of bleachy haze….in my mind if I didn’t sit still long enough I could do the impossible(out run it right?!)

By that Sunday though it had upped it’s game,(the battle had well and truly commenced) that tickly cough I set out ignoring huh!, had transformed itself now into a deep raspy chesty annoying Bark, it was infact quite frightening , how quickly that changed,, going from tinny to base in 0/60… And if the deep reverberating cough wasnt bad during the daytime, the nights when I even attempted to lay myself down on my pillow, (foolishly looking forward to some much needed rest, recuperation and escape!!, thats when the real coughing began in earnest,

By the following Monday morning early, after yet another whole night of doing my best common Grey seal impressions every few minutes, I resigned myself to phoning the doctor, when your lungs are rattling that bad that it wakes you up with a start, your looking about yourself wondering where the noise is coming from?, it is indeed time to call for help!!!, .. whether the gods had taken pity on me, or I just happened to have a brief spell of good luck(for a change) I will never know, but within minutes a cheery person on reception answered promptly, I managed to hold it together long enough to give out my date of birth and name before breaking into an ear splitting volley of sneezing,. Feeling quite sorry for myself I explained the nature of my germ infested illness, and that I suspected I was in mid warfare on a raging chest infection, the cheerful receptionist lady said she would have the doctor call me back, I flopped back upon my pillow fully expecting the doctor to be busy(it was a Monday after all) I thought in fact I wouldn’t hear anymore until much much later that day…

I staggered out of bed, fumbled across to the kitchen to make another coffee, this day I knew i needed all the help and plus caffeine I could get, my head by now swimming, it wasn’t just doing the backstroke though, .I swear my poor brain sloshed about in a whirlpool of Ectoplasm,…the same Ectoplasma fell like a waterfall from my nose, drool had dripped out the corner of my open mouth while I attempted sleep, forming something akin to one of those clear face masks around my chin, with the odd hair and budgie feather glued to it just for effect😁..

Although I felt shivery inside, my skin felt like a furnace to the touch, while I awaited the kettle, I walked across to the bathroom, grateful just for once, for icy cold water coming from both taps, I sloshed its coolness over my skin, revelling in its chill upon my hot red face and neck, I couldn’t enjoy it for long though as another fit of painful coughing quickly broke out, my ribs hurt, my back hurt and I was by now bored of the whole blooming thing…

My only saving grace was the numerous cups of scalding coffee I gulped down daily barely allowing time for it to cool even a degree or so, it soothed the scratchy hot feel in my throat, as well becoming a source of energy with its large quantities of heaped spoonfuls of honey, for once food was surplus to requirement, if I ate anything at all, it was mainly soup or of that consistency, . By the time I had washed up, made a coffee my phone was ringing, I was immediately glad that I at least smelt somewhat fresher, yeah I know I was only talking on the phone but it matters to me😁,. The doctor was very sweet, showing obvious concern, as I explained about the crackling, wheezing and explosive coughing, as if on queue another round of Barking began in the poor doctors ear…we talked about the copious amounts of gloop, she laughed kindly as I explained about the ectoplasm it being a far nicer word I thought than Mucus😒…it’s like Moist…just Grosse, we left off agreeing I probably needed of some form of antibiotics, problem being i am allergic to most forms…she looked online and finally decided on one I hadn’t tried as of yet, Doxycycline, this bright green little tablet was going to do one of two things, kill off the Germ I was harbouring deep inside or kill off me, of the two I knew which I preferred😁.

Who knew that being sick was going to be so bloody expensive though,. In this one week alone, I’ve had two bottles of cough syrup, two boxes of throat lozenges, four boxes of tissues, don’t get me started on the price of Manuka honey🙄, I figure it’s cost something in the region of over £100,. That’s without the added cost of Covid home test kits. Extra laundry needed, all I can say is its Good job my appetite has wained because I couldn’t afford to eat even if I had wanted to.

I’m still coughing heartily even after five days of the doctors magic green pills, I admit it does feel as though there has been some modicum of improvement, but it’s still nothing pleasant, my sides still feel bruised and my breathing is tight and uncomfortable but I will take any improvement, no matter how small..what was worse for me once again as it always is., it has to be the living by myself thing,. I’m not fond of it at the best of times, but when I feel ill there’s nothing but time as a reminder, quite frankly at some points while at its height I no longer gave a damn, I was passed caring, . On Wednesday night for example I couldn’t breathe properly, instead of normal deep breaths from my tummy region, each one was shallow and rattling, but despite this I no longer cared, it just didn’t seem to matter, I made a half hearted attempt at laying on my stomach, (this helps keep the lungs clear by the way. When exhaustion took me over and I fell asleep finally…throughout this happened a few times, and if it hadn’t been for the thought of leaving alone my Budgie Sage and my Rabbit Cinnie,I confess I wouldn’t have worried to much.

Sunday …Day 7

Yes I’m a week into this now,. Six days into my course of Antibiotics, my stomach is beginning to protest, but as I’ve only another day to complete the course I think it’s doable. One thing I had noted along side feeling terrible, I had unconsciously slipped back into my old spending habits, some things like cough syrup, tissues, and lozenges were a necessary evil, but I’m not so certain the hand warmers, socks, lampshade, Pill minders, throw could also be classed in that category😁, let’s face it I had fallen of the shopping ban waggon, not only had I fallen off though I found myself in danger of said waggon leaving me sprawling on the dust of consumer land for good…I had even over spent on my food shop budget, and I hadn’t done that in months,

If I’m being honest with myself, I understand why, I can spot my pitfalls and when I’m in the right frame of mind can easily avoid it, but I hadn’t been in my right frame of mind, in fact I’m not sure I was even living in my own head at times… During that week I often put things in the strangest places, one day attempting to place a jar of coffee on the kettle base, another time putting my bowl of chicken soup in fridge instead of the microwave, And have you ever tried cramming washing in your oven expecting it to wash? 😳, it doesn’t work!, Just so you know 😁. Alongside this temporary insanity, Depression came a calling, not having the energy to fight it off, I allowed it to wash over me, with all its usual twists and turns, the laying about, finding doing my routines not only hard but almost impossible, the worst was the over compensation, using shopping as a balm, this also doesn’t work, it never works, it’s just a temporary sticking plaster.

This will tell you how bad it was, I couldn’t even face looking at my bank statements, fearful of how much I had crept back into over indulgence,. I knew I would at some point have to brave it, I needed to know if I could cover my up coming commitments even.. For months now I had scrimped, scraped and made do, this had only further spiralled my mood further downward,, I berated myself terribly, I had in fact let myself down at the first tough bend in the road, now what to do?, My fuzzy head had already unknowingly lead me back onto a straight course, because for days now I had been listening to audio books on frugality, mainly because it expended no energy(I was well and truly all out of that😁), but it also occupied my mind while my body took on the long healing process,. With this it spurred my imagination once more, I knew full well once I felt better I could run after that bloody wagon and jump right back on, had I not succeeded once before? then I would again. It won’t be easy this time, but then what is?…

During the worst days of this illness, I had gone back to using my washing machine every other day instead of hand washing, it had been tough enough pegging washing out on the line, standing at the sink scrubbing and rinsing it in cold water, just was never going to happen, so I compromised with myself, I could do a load every other day on the fast wash, it wasn’t ideal but if I was ever goin to have any clean clothes, then it was a necessary must, it’s going to be hard returning to the old hand washing method once again, that is indeed going to prove devilishly hard, but with this electricity bill ever mounting I know it’s something I must indeed face… and like all my other challenges will… Take care folks and be careful out there.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

It’s Monday, and as soon as I open my Very unwilling sleep filled eyes, I’ve already got a sense of the kind of day that lies ahead for me…I know for instance there’s trouble circling over head, like some looming great bloody Buzzard,. I can smell it in air,(trouble that is not the Buzzard, I’m good but not that good) and it senses me also., I also know I don’t like it!.(whatever IT is!) I’m so so tempted to leave the curtains drawn shut fast, keep my cosy fleece comfort blanket pulled up right around my ears and block out the whole day even before Ive had that very first sip of coffee,(mmmmm Coffee! no matter how bad a day starts or ends, there will always be another coffee., And I’m getting myself some). As it turns out, it’s a three cup kinda day, and I don’t care who knows it.

After that first strong caffeine jolt,begins it’s slow journey about my brain pathways, widening the still sleepy arterys, shaking awake neurons, I decide to do something positive. Something I wouldn’t normally do on a Monday. And ok it wasn’t going to change the world, my neighbourhood or even me, but what it would do is start the day off gently, set me up for what lies ahead, and how I needed that right now!.

After washing myself awake in my usual freezing cold water, I put on shoes for only the third time this year, even as I the tie the laces I’m unsure that I actually want to leave my home😳😊,. But I’m soon dressed and before I can even change my mind again, I rush out that door, it may be a sky full of ominous grey clouds, over cast, but it’s still unusually warm for October, I’m immediately glad I didn’t put on a jacket, a mild breeze greets me playfully, feeling far more like summer than autumn, I tell myself October just doesn’t realised September has left us yet😊, whatever it is though, I at this point don’t care, it’s not raining, like it has been on so many days of late, it’s a perfect day for that leisurely stroll, I need to hand in my home Blood pressure chart, that’s been oh so carefully messed up, In true Treez style, i some how managed to fill in the AM readings into the PM box and vice versa as only I know how, my only defence is my mind is engaged, occupied, full, as it has been for some time now.

It’s been a while since I left the confines of my flat, a self enforced early summer hibernation saw me miss pretty much all of it. So I make the most of this pleasant moment, taking in the summer flowers still blooming brightly albeit late, the trees lush green canopies above my head,.. A very swollen painful knee has meant, I have to adjust my pace now, which is never easy for me, but a sudden sharp pain is a timely reminder, a jolt that soon has me back into reality. My local doctors surgery is just that though, very local and my brief jaunt outside was almost over before it ever began, and funny enough I begin to dread being back inside once more…why? Because the moment I had put off was looming up on me fast, I think about doing some long put off chores for a fleeting moment, maybe an hour’s reading my latest book , but this was all a delay tactics, deep down I knew, it’s now time to tackle the bull by the horns.🙄.

Since February I have been in talks with my energy supplier about exceptionally exortionately high bills,. No actually let’s get this right, Myself and Jesse have been sending Emails to them weekly, which they promptly ignore,(hello wall!!!) And i know they are receiving them as they send a reply,. So I contacted an ombudsmen to act as an intermediary, they promptly tell him I’m not replying to any notifications…but this is false, their reply isn’t just an electronic one it’s detailed, ..so I contact my Ombudsmen again, this has been the endless boring soul destroying pattern for these many months now.

I am scared already of this up coming winter, living using the bare basics of electrical goods, is fine for those warm heady summer months, but Ive already begun feeling the cold,. the evening temperatures are dropping down gradually,. I’m having to resort to going to bed earlier, just to keep myself warm..Having several illnesses, One of which means I have no control over my body temperature, And if it drops too far and I get overly cold, it takes hours to get it built back up again, I shiver and quake under my covers, hurting and feeling sick to my stomach, dreading even moving to go to the bathroom, because then I have to start over. . I’m not looking forward to these long dark months ahead, without any form of heating, I cannot afford to get sick, with no immune system this could prove serious if not fatal., but i know inside it’s just weeks away now. Just a manner of time.

Taking on a massive company when one is afeared of any form of authority was never going to prove easy, . After each communication, I’m exhausted, every single email relay, takes all I have…And this has been going on for nine long months, nine hellish months, trying to fill the endless bottomless pit of the open mouth of my energy company..this month they have increased my monthly payments from £240 throughout the summer, to £340 and here we are only in autumn., While all I use daily is a kettle and a fridge freezer.

I’ve asked many neighbours in my area, from every type of home about their consumption levels, none are in fact this high, even those with families, teens using computers, phones, taking endless hot showers, small children leaving on lights..then theres My own son in his large apartment he too isn’t paying a fraction of this…and here I sit day after day, month after long bloody month trying to make myself heard above the din of a large conglomerate, little old me against this giant company…David and Galiath, ..My voice as loud as it is, still goes unheard, ..how does one fight against something that large?..I have no clue how or where to begin…

Especially when their only argument is(which I’m sick of hearing by the way) but of course you do know the price has risen this year?…..yes of course I know this, how can I avoid knowing the information it is everywhere, but since when has a kettle and fridge freezer cost £340 per month to run…my over all bill is now thousands…and I’m terrified, I hate owing a few pounds never mind multiples , hundreds, thousands. And still it grows….

My apartment is one section of what was at one point a large old house now turned into four very small flats…my main fear is via a mistake someplace, one where I’m paying for the electric consumption of all four flats, this is the only way this makes any sense at all, I’ve explained my fears many times over, to be laughed at, ignored, silenced….today I try another tact, I’ve taken a photo of the latest reading on the meter…I flipped down the huge red switch on the fuse box at 10:09 am this morning, and my flat fell immediately silent, it will remain so until 10:09pm tonight, I will sit here without a hot drink, without hot food, and watch the clock tick, until it too runs out of power, waiting for the time to slowly drag passed, when I can finally flip that fuse box back on and take another photograph…

I know already In my heart of hearts this is all for nought,useless, they never listen, why should they?, I’m alone…just one voice against a crowd, against the many, but I feel I must do something, anything. But I’m fast running out of time and energy…and there’s the irony…energy!….take care folks be careful out there ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤.

Last night which I’m hoping will live up to its word,(being the last night!)hopefully Bringing with it an end to the unbearable unrelenting oppressive heat, this past week has left me feeling somewhat jaded and exhausted,..there has been no escaping the humidity, air feeling thick hot and soupy, . Even with my large tower fan blowing the heated air about both day and night my sleep was at best fitful, on the whole not enough to feel either recovered, much less rejuvenated.

Even my beloved coffee, as bitterly strong as I commenced making my brew, now only accomplished staining my mug, it did nothing to give me the slightest zip or zing, I guess my Zipperdy do dah had signed out for the day then😁, I spent most days just doing things as and when I deemed them absolutely necessary, and believe me I rationed out anything that required more energy that I was prepared to give, relocating my more energetic chores to either late evening or even sometimes into the night.

I was even fast becoming obsessed with the online weather forecast system, checking several times daily,. Alas though the map of England was not cooperating, instead of the much hoped for little umbrella symbols, grey clouds with lightening flashes, we were covered with a lemon yellow blanket, what was worse later in the week it turned for yellow to a fetching shade of peachy orange(always hated bloody orange)..relief was not to be seen anyplace till Sunday at the earliest,..I felt somewhat tense and ill at ease, . Twitchy and nervy, as though the very blood in my veins was not only boiling, but sending mini shockwaves throughout me, my head throbbed every now and again, normally this signals not only the end of a heatwave but an oncoming storm….this time it just mocked me, teased and tormented,.

Some days the odd cloud braved the searing heat, my hopes growing only for it to be slighted, the sun burning them off just as quickly as they had appeared…all week we had weather warnings of storms and flash flooding, but even I thought it was even too hot for storms to come out of hiding…I braved the heat just long enough to peg out my laundry, water my plants and fill the waiting pigeons water trough, early each morning as I pulled open the living room curtains, throwing open the Windows, in some vain attempt to catch even the slightest passing breeze, I was treating to the birds splashing about in the cool water,, as I watched their play, it reminded me of children squealing and playing about in a paddling pool, some of the birds sat waiting for their turn, getting covered in fat droplets thrown up into the air, from the wings of their playmates mates…always makes my morning.

By Late afternoon yesterday, finally dark ashen grey clouds gathered in numbers as well as in strength, heavy and swollen,. Enough to block out the sun, with it a welcome faint warm breeze, slowly stirring the very tops of trees, birds began chirruping excitedly amongst the cool green dancing leaves,(they knew something was about to happen) I got to hoping here at last was that breakthrough, a fitting end, grand finale to summer..But before ending, mother nature had one last sting in her tail…the clouds parted, the sun like some old on stage performer not willing to share the lime light, pushed them aside, I swear it smiled, almost as if to say fooled you!!!!, I glared up at it harshly, giving it that woman’s stink eye, (guys you know the one,, If I had to go out there soon and do the most energetic thing I had all week, a rain dance, by now Theresa was more than willing😊,

As I cleaned off the top of my garden bin later that evening though, ready to put it out next day, I saw the cloud building once more…I shoke my head at it, yeah right your not fooling me again…..but just as I walked in to get more water, I heard distant rumbling move across the sky, lightening streaked through the silver clouds, lighting them up, making an unexpected floor show, clouds glowed lilacs, orange and gold, it was breathtakingly beautiful,. big fat drops of rain, finally fell to earth with a pattering sound, leaving dark circles in their wake.

In the night the temperature began to drop slowly, I still relied on the fan as the house held defiantly onto the last of its heat…the bricks acting like mini radiators, throwing out all the warmth they had soaked in during the day…But sleep when it came, was deep, I slept for hours, dreams floating in and out of my body, I too tired to give them notice,

It was all too tempting…

I had to take out the recycling earlier, which I always do bare foot, I stood briefly taking in the fresh cool air, feeling the rain soaked pavement beneath my feet, without a care in the world I stretched the crook out of my back, arms up into the dark sky, splotches of rain patted my eyelids gently, my body, the earth sighed with relief,…tiny drops of rain bent over blades of refreshed grass, and I couldn’t help myself, I stepped onto its cool moist surface, feeling it tickle my toes, I’ve always loved the sense of oneness with the earth when I do this( and urge everyone to give it a go..(dont let kids have all the fun😁), While I enjoyed this sense of freedom, I stood plucking off the odd leaves of a tomato plant I grew from seed,(taken from a real live tomato no less😁) pleased to see it has several small vines of green tomatoes, I didn’t expect it to survive let alone bear fruit..it’s deep green leaves staining my fingers, the smell rich and pungent.

Just before coming in I noted several fairly large puddles forming, ripples circling from the rain, before I could stop myself I found myself stood in the centre of the nearest one, it felt wonderful, I felt wonderful, the inner child escaping, splashing the water up my trouser covered legs, I had no care of the neighbours watching from twitching net curtained windows, I cared even less about the tutting, for a moment I was five again splashing in puddles, for a time I was defying age itself, I was free and fabulous…….take care of yourselves folks with whatever you get upto most of all enjoy…❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🌧🌧🌧🌧🌧🌧🌧🌧🌧🌧🌧,

Monday ..

And it started out so wonderfully well, (insert For your own sarcasm here). I woke roughly around 3am, nothing new with that, I never sleep through the night these days anyhow,. But I decided this was a perfect opportunity for a quick bathroom break before settling back down for sleep part:2:., .As i turned over onto my left side to do just that, readying myself to get up, I felt this sudden awful pain shoot through my ribcage, then into the surrounding areas, it was far too painful for any sort of description , the only way I could begin, was it felt like someone had broken in and beat the heck out of me with a large piece of 2 by 4 while I slept, I couldn’t even move, part of me longed to call out in pain, but living alone one knows such things are infact futile, how does that famous line in the film go(there’s no one here to hear you scream) well that’s how it felt, . I reached across feeling for my other phone., i held onto the black leather case, holding it tightly brings with it some modicum of comfort, maybe security who knows., I’m still not a hundred per cent sure yet whether I would call for medical back up, or do my famous ohhhhh lets wait to see if it goes away by itself kinder thing😁(that is normal Treez Mo), I lay there for some time feeling really sorry for myself, (the pain graduated from somewhere around a 7 to a bloody hell this is no longer even remotely funny now!.

What didn’t help any was the fact by now I really needed to visit the powder room with some real urgency,😳, again I tried rolling onto my side and as I did the pain shot throughout my ribcage , so now I have two choices, either brave the pain or have an accident right there…(that wasn’t ever going to be any real option, I needed to get up one way or another..I was immediately hit by the relentless silence that surrounded me, threatening to overcome me, nothing like that cold harsh nothingness to bring home reality to you, you are in fact alone, very alone, and right then I needed very little reminding…

After laying still bought little to no relief, I rocked myself in a back and forth motion, until I finally managed somehow to reach the edge of the bed, from there i slid my feet to the floor, my hands going out to the wall for support, gingerly I walking across to the bathroom holding onto my side the whole time as Im walking. I got there finally, and what’s more the longer I stood I realised the pain was finally easing up somewhat, also up until this point I had be holding my breath, breathing although optimal, also hurt😁, but with the pain easing I took in a real deep breath. I had already decided to use my kinetic tape to bind that area by the time I returned to the comfort of my bed,

Taping also comes with its own unique risks now, (to tape or not to tape),Just a few years back taping up my joints had in fact been a real God send, easing the pain and keeping those all too stray joints from Subluxing further(a partial dislocation). It’s an EDS thang. Now though I tape up as sparingly as possible, with my ever increasing allergies by body has another joker in its pack..tape doesn’t only give me welts, I have a real risk.of chemical burns…my skin blistering into huge yellow bubbles of fluid, this is one thing, the other in the past is it has in fact removed the top layer of skin, So why do it?, Because the only other method of pain relief is in fact NSAIDs,. These still only bring partial relief, which grab at only too willingly, but for three years now my doctors have denied me the only pain relief I can take without some kind reaction…

On the whole I’m exceptionally good with pain, taking it as part of my daily life, rarely getting to the point where it’s unbearable, but when it is I’m stuck …or taped 😁, having taped across the offending area with bright orange tape with a snorting bull across it, I now feel at least a little more comfortable, the rib had slipped down and this is not the first time, with some learnt movements I can relocate it back, but it does leave the area tender for days…the joys of dislocation folks…

After resting up for a couple of hours, I managed to carefully go about my day, I’m still hand washing clothes, and bashing my rugs in the garden only with not quite the panache and rigour of norm…I must confess it’s days like these that make me long for my easier lifestyle, my gadgets, I miss my hoover and washing machine greatly, oh to just shove ones dirty laundry in the washer, a cap of detergent, turn the knob and it’s like Harry potter and the sorcerers dodah clean washing.., But no my battle with my energy suppliers are forever ongoing, I’ve tried everything I can think of to get help, but taking on huge companies is no easy task, especially when one struggles with authority, I fear they in fact sense this and are out for blood.

Since writing last month my bills are increasing to humongous proportion, . I’m still one person, living in a tiny one bed flat, no hot water, my only use one fridge freezer daily, one kettle, and I’m getting monthly bills raising over £400, this is a third of the money I have to exist on, a third of my income…they are not willing to listen or understand the ridiculousness of this…when a fridge and a kettle costs £400 monthly to run, what about the winter?, Will I be exposed to the freezing temperatures, maybe expected to stay in my bed to keep warm, boiling a kettle to wash myself with..already struggling with pain daily in my joints I fear how much the cold will affect my health and ability to care for myself..

My blood pressure is now also being affected, I have spent years coming off the six regular meds to control it previously, now it’s steadily climbing back up, I for one am not surprised about this, the on going battle is not only needless but relentless,. Later on this month they are actually sending in an engineer to check out their meter, this I worry about it in honest, because although in my heart I know there’s an issue, I’m dreading they will find nothing wrong…in the meantime just keep feeding that ever growing hungry mouth of the electricity company.. For now it’s all I can do…hope you’ve all survived the heat my friends , stay well and look after yourselves sweeties ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤😊