Last week I wrote at some length about my on going battles with a Sugar addiction, (yes truly there is such a thing, if you think I’m making it up, telling stories, exaggerating, then how about trying something for me, go sugar free for one week, seriously give it a go if your feeling brave, don’t you just love a challenge? No me neither😁, .

But challenge it is, trying to stave off craving something sweet, sugar laden and carb filled has become somewhat of a nightly ritual, that very minute I lay me down to sleep, I fantasize about food,(yes I mean “Fantasize”) it parades itself temptingly passing my very eyes like a common street trollop, a floozy, lines upon lines of sugary doughnuts,cream cakes, chocolate bars waggling suggestively, and here’s another thing, I don’t even like doughnuts🙄…then try as I may to distract my brain away from this thought pattern, it’s lured back, it’s hopeless for even my dreams now are filled with food, every kind and type of delicious food, somebody help!!!!😁 … I am on the upside now she says shakily,, well at least past the headache stage anyhow thank goodness, it’s bad enough not being able to indulge in your favourite sugar fix, but to feel like your heads about to implode your brain leaking out through your earhole, like so much raspberry jam from a taken bite out of doughnut, (stop with the damn doughnuts imaging woman tsk ,.sighs

The downside to this malarkey is having to cook and prepare everything last thing you eat. Yes theres no more stabbing of that plastic top on your dinner for one micro meal folks, or grabbing a crafty sandwich from Greggs, (oh how I remember Greggs Prawn mayonnaise salad baguette, wipes copious amounts of drool off screen, this was mine and my daughter’s favourite monthly treat, ok that and a cheese and onion hot roll, then a fresh cream cake of some description, Treez stop it your not helping yourself.🙄…, Sorry there was a momentary lapse in our programming, but I’m back now, ahem yes since that first week I’ve only eaten small amounts of fresh fruit, a grocery store amount of vegetables, lean meat or fish..ohhh and I forgot my nuts…. “the nuts” the six half pecans I eat for breakfast😁…

It’s at times like this im really glad I don’t venture out side to do shopping, I know full well those seductive little Cinnamon Rolls would have their way with me far to easily., least with shopping on line I have some modicum of control over my shopping habits and I also don’t have to pass by any cafes, offering all kinds of tempting treats, I’m just a weak woman folks…..

For all its hardships though, one positive outcome is it’s helped with weight loss, plus I’m gaining these momentary sporadic spurts of energy ….I know right !😮, since Covid energy is relocated to the thing I pay through nose for monthly to keep my lights on only, not something I’m overly familiar, especially within myself 😁. The other day I actually felt energetic enough to go for a walk, but the thought soon passed leaving me having to then go sit down to recover with a coffee😁. All joking aside I do feel better in myself, the progress is somewhat slow but it’s finally happening,.

 In amongst all this constant madness I’m still reading., I’m not sure how much you remember but last year I had set myself up with a goal of reading 50 books, by different authors, new ones, at least to me anyhow. The end result though was fae greater than I hoped for, I ended up with a grand total of 84, . And this year ……drum roll …I want to get through at least a 100..😁😮, yeah I know i must be blooming mad,. 😁

At the moment I’m reading a book set around the Royal mail sub post master scandal, I never thought in the very beginning of it, that I would become as gripped and invested in this book as I have, it’s extremely well written, it’s author knowing his subject… . And it’s not morbid curiosity either, I’m genuinely interested, the stories of these individual sub postmasters all going through a living nightmare, they have gone through hell, worse some still are. As I go through page after page im filled with the thought that this could happen to any one of us right now, and at any time, I read it from my bed, hiding behind a pillow, coming out long enough only to read, …..

Once this one’s done I’ve some books that have been kindly given to me by a good friend, others im reading alongside my daughter, authors my mother loved while alive, these are particularly special bringing about not only a bond with myself and Becky my daughter, but once again including my mum, it has been too painful up until this point, but now once again im filled with excitement, returning to the Times when it was like finding a hidden treasure, (sourcing that new book for mum, one I knew she was going to love), whether Becky is just being kind, humouring that need within me, a link with the past, or it’s she’s enjoying the connection too, I’m unsure,. But I do know it’s brought three generations closer and all captured by the love of the written word…. Well it’s almost time those cravings kicked in again folks, and time I eat my lovely plate of fresh wholesome veggies all the while convincing myself this is all very good for me, and no that sausage isn’t a Swiss roll …..oh well I’m sure i,’ll survive, you take care of yourselves folks until next time, stay safe ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🍰🍰🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍰.  

Waging a war on addiction…

For those of you out there right now Fighting your own addictions, let me tell you, you have my full on 100% admiration, your one brave soul, especially those with an addictive personality,. it really is a battle ground of wills, One where you know your going to come out a whole different person,but just when? And not before dodging those endless onslaught of craving bullets,. Those come out of nowhere at you and are indeed no respecter of time or place!.

Take last night for instance, (and it is mainly night when these cravings begin in earnest), They will start out mild, just fleeting a thought, a moment of wanting something food wise, it’s not always sweet either, it can be cheese and crackers, crisps, sandwich, soup or even breakfast cereal, I can normally dispel that thought without too many issues mostly, but as time wears on, the thoughts returns off and on, niggling away at me, encroaching more and more on what I’m concentrating on at that moment, even to the point I can no longer think of anything else, it ramps up to almost obsessive, the urge to eat taking control, .that’s when the real fight begins, last night I couldn’t even settle to sleep,. If I was lucky enough to drift off, I woke within minutes that unbearable urge to get out of bed and find food tearing into any logical thought I may have, eventually tiredness took over thank goodness!, I had dodged another craving bullet…tonight though who knows.

I’ve never made a secret of the fact that I love food, though not a huge eater these days, I do know what I like😊..I am somewhat of a discerning foodie never the less, I’ve never really got into that whole take out culture, rarely eating out either, i can probably count on both hands how many times over my lifetime,. My falling down point comes during mostly deep emotional moments, I am what some class as a comfort eater. And in all honesty i have used food over the years, learning mainly through experience, that I can self medicate virtually anything just by using it(food

If I’m overly tired, or during a long spell of insomnia, my body naturally reaches out, craves, sweet sugary foods, your chocolate bars, fruit chews, hard boiled sweets, If and when I’m upset, I lean more towards the stodgy calorific filling food. Anxiety, stress brings on a sudden longing for bread, potatoes, pasta, gorgeous carb laden gutbusting yummyness, portion control also at this point becomes non existent. For years I have suffered with long term bouts of depression, this brings its own issues,. I have never sought medical help for this or taken any anti depressants during this time either, I have however had the odd friend/family member(armchair experts all of them) inform me regularly that mine is more likely just the blues, rather than the full on black dog howling at the moon type., But believe me when I say this, my mood plummets to depths at times so dark I never believe im coming back up for air again, it’s cloying,relentless and suffocating, and here’s where sugar makes it semi bearable. mostly allowing me to function enough to deal with the basics, (like life), I know full well its not the answer, but it’s my answer and up until now it worked for me.

Over years of trial and error I realised eating anything that contains sugar, boosts my mood even temporarily, giving me that energy Im lacking, I also know only too well that this is just a sticking plaster and yes I will come back down to earth with a bump, but by then I’ve shoved yet another square of chocolate into my face or a honey soaked mug of coffee, normally both!,.. Your all shaking your heads with disgust and yes I get it,(your not alone) But work with me here a moment, it’s bought me this far. Now here comes the nitty gritty, that Large chocolate fudge cake in the room,(Elephants are so last yeah darling😁). Alongside EDS, (Ehlers Danlos) I also have an under active thyroid, Basically meaning, I only have to look at food across a crowded room and my body inhales the calories like plants photosynthesise from the sun, I swear my skin breathes in calories😁……

In my lifetime I have tried virtually every diet known to beast and humankind, with some limited success.., However Back in 2017 through vast amounts of torture or so called “exercise!!! ” and clean eating,, I somehow managed to lose over 5 stone, (70lbs) not only did I shift much needed poundiage, but alongside this, I also gained much. For all this hard work i now found a new confidence, I dressed differently, my thought pattern became clearer, I felt healthy, it was a constant hard graft to maintain, but I enjoyed feeling lighter, free.

This was though to prove short lived, as many dieters will attest to, In March 2020 I contracted Covid, the virus itself passing quite quickly, but the long haul symptoms deciding they needed to hang around, the worst being the utter depletion of any energy, most days I managed just the walk back and forth to the bathroom, showering meant I had to lay down for at least an hour to recover, doing even the most mundane chore took forever and left me very breathless, I was too exhausted to even contemplate what I was doing to my body, weight slowly crept back on, despite my being even too tired most days to eat, my lower body was fast filling with fluid, (lymphedema), The strangest thing is despite not wanting any or all food, the one thing I did absolutely crave like crazy was a new variety of Smarties chocolate buttons, some days two packs of these were all I could manage, I’m ashamed to admit this happened all to often,

I’ve since been infected with Covid another three times , having no immunity means anything going around virus wise my body feels the overwhelming need to take on..it’s like a one woman challenge to it😁…so far and I’m not sure how yet, but I’ve made it through, it’s left behind residual little gifts, like breathlessness, chest pain, upper respiratory joy, yadda yadda yadda, …it’s boring, but its my new life after covid,(and don’t get me wrong I’m grateful I’m here) but exercise …..let’s not go there, ..just looking at Blue bell (my exercise bike) brings me out in a rash and cold sweats, I’ve in fact taken to hiding her under a fleece blanket, ok it’s my guilty secret so shoot me😁!, The weights I had and loved at one point have also now been banished to the deepest darkest recesses of my cupboard, along with my Pilates bands for company…

For now I have this sugar addiction to work on and that’s enough…, it’s never going to be easy, challenging me both mentally and physically, I’m still in the grips of going cold Turkey, headaches, cramps, shakes, nausea, night sweats and those blooming night time cravings that are endless, So why put myself through this?, mainly because the rewards far outweigh the discomfort…I spent nearly a year sugar free in 2017, and I had never felt so well in my life, after the initial outset of detoxing of course,. I saw my energy levels increased, I had fewer headaches, less stomach problems, my clarity of thought improved, I improved, the benefits were endless,

But knowing what you should do and doing it are two different things right?, Especially when going it alone, what if my mood takes that nose dive and the black dog comes sniffing about, ready to cock it’s leg at my efforts?,. It’s going to take all I have and more to not cave in, last night I dodged yet another bullet, but will I tonight?, this stage can go on for some months as I know only to well from before, and it only takes even one minor problem to crop up for me to come falling off that proverbial wagon.

Then there’s the hidden pitfalls, like did you know there’s sugar in practically everything we eat, and not just those gloriously gorgeous chocolates or cakes..the obvious. No it’s in ready made soups, tinned fruit, veg, sauces, milk, yogurts, etc…what’s worse are those foods that are supposed to be low in calories…dodging these mines mean much research and label reading…or in my case for now anyway, I will take the cowards way out and avoid them all together 😁, So if your right now tucking into lunch and that nice slice of Red velvet cake for dessert, think of me lost in the valley of the no cake for I will fear no cheesecake, 😁, but if you are,then keep me in mind, and enjoy another slice !!!!😁😁😁😁😁😁, ….. Folks if your in the UK be especially careful when your braving these storms today, stay warm and stay safe, most of all take care of you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤.

It’s been a very odd week all told, last Monday I had to have an energy assessment guy in, 🙄, (i know that’s exactly how I looked at the received the somewhat officious looking letter back two weeks ago now) What is or was an energy assessment, I had an idea but was unsure all the same.? Well I could already tell him/her whatever it is right here and now for nothing, I dont have any(energy that is)😁, and if he could possibly find it for me I would indeed be most grateful, but Im almost positive the cat got it😁.. I digress, anyway While everything here was happening, Sage the budgie(who can be sensitive to changes) went round his aunty Debbies on his cobblewomps(holidays),. I packed his wee bag the night before, feeling akin to a traitor as he had his beady eyes well and truly fixed upon me the whole time,.Now his Aunty Debbie secretly likes having him about I think, hes non stops chattering fills any home with sound and energy, .. Whereas I on the other hand hated being without my mini sound machine, The new enforced silence overpowered, made me edgy and nervous, more importantly though making me at odds with my space, ill at ease,.That said what was more of a concern was shall we Say Sages more colourful Vocabulary, .. Oh don’t get me wrong he’s the sweetest little character, and I’m prodigious proud of how well he picks up his latest word, (plus I believe he may just be best budgie I’ve had the pleasure to come across,) . He gets me in the heart every time when I’m sitting here alone and he pipes up with a sudden “you alright”?..it’s just so damn stinking cute, he also says ” I love you” and “Bit” if I’m eating and he wants some, he always wants my food 😊 ….this is all uber adorable, until I’m sat quietly doing something and from the other room a crystal clear little voice says loudly “Pervert”!!!!!, I wouldn’t mind there’s no mistaking what his saying either, and if this wasn’t bad enough he’s new word is dog doo! Only not so nice if you get me!😊….And there’s my wee bird round his aunts, Debbie likes to entertain her posh friends for luncheon, they are all members of a choir, go to the theatre. Are you getting the picture here folks?, they have met Sage twice now though and thus far we have Escaped without his bloopers, but I fear it is just a matter of time now.😁.Debbie has the swear Jar out ready.

Out of the closet….

Here in the UK we mainly call storage areas, a cupboard, these can of course range in size, shape and their function…I had thought in all my years I had virtually come across all the types, that was of course until I moved here some two years ago now. There’s is in my bedroom, what some would laughingly call a walk in closet, why laughingly? your curiosity is whetted I can already tell?, Well I’m all of 5 ft” 2″ short😊, and there’s at no point in this here closet that I can stand upright, what’s worse as soon as you get in it, it begins tapering down to a point…kind of like a block of cheese or slice of cake….mmmmmm cake 😋, shakes head come back from the dark side Treez, ..Anyhow this cupboard although indeed handy, I swear it also doubles as a weapon, I cannot count the amount of times while putting things away I’ve bashed my head,

Talking of which, have you ever done this and seen stars?, well this is becoming an increasingly regular occurrence for me,. It’s also bitter cold in there, even in the summer,. Here’s where store my bottled water, it’s always suitably chilled😊, . I’m just waiting for the day I smack my head and knock myself out cold, only quite literally though!..

Just after Christmas like most of us, I had written a long list of things I wanted to change or improve about myself and my environment in general, I made the list overly long, because then I could choose which to actually carry out, Top of the list is the most tedious, but it’s also the one that plagues me the most, decluttering, (why when I just began writing decluttering, did auto put in decapitated I guess it’s much the same😁) anyhow here’s the decapitation/ decluttering rules, really is only two…1st …if you havnt used it in six months or love it then it goes either in the recycling, charity shop pile, or Facebook free pages, ..2nd you have to clear a bag per week. I generally cover this and more easily, it’s quick, don’t over think it, don’t look at it, just put it in the correct pile, I would say it’s painless but as I’ve already said each time I smack my bloody head getting in and out this cupboard. 

But on the plus side I now have room in my cupboard to swing a small insect,should the urge happen.these strange urges have been known😊, This week I mean to set about the two large plastic storage boxes that reside under the bed… Only negatives I’ve had, are trying to gift things on the Facebook free pages, I never gift anything that’s not working, in decent condition, some things were in fact new, and I always receive plenty of offers for the actual rehoming bit, but they then mess me about on the pick up, main issue being they will offer to call if not that day then the next, so I promise the item to them, only i then get a text later saying their great aunt Tululuh has had a fall, the dogs had kittens, or the cars hiding and won’t come out the garage because it’s too cold. I know the issue, they want me to gift the item, but want to collect when they can be bothered or it’s convenient, I’ve no problem with this, just be honest from the first, I hate underhand tactics, it spoils things for others whose need is genuine. I’ve actually thrown good things away out of pure frustration in the end.

Next on my list was diet…but not so much as in calorie control folks, more in the need to eat healthier, in my lifetime I believe I’ve actually tried every diet known humanly possible, and even some not…Cambridge,500 hundred calorie, all carb, no carb, clean eating, dirty eating, Caveman only mine was more like blooming Pacman😁, some worked ishhhh, I lost a few Lbs, the odd stone only to find it again down the line later, to add insult to injury I found everyone else’s too.

But one thing I found to work really well for me was lowering my carbs, not stopping them altogether though, just being more selective and ones that have a benefit healthwise,. Bread, pasta and cereals have all gone, as has the dreaded sugar, …Giving up sugar was the hardest I’ve found, both times I’ve done this now, I have called the first month, (the oh please shoot me now month!) I hate it, my body loves sugar so bloody much it sets up a new punishment for me regime, how special 😁.. These include Headaches, oh those headaches!, Stomach Cramps, cold and flu symptoms, and an overwhelming tiredness like you won’t believe, I swear I laid on my bed some nights and ugly cried myself to sleep, ..The worse thing was I knew what to expect the second time around, the first day out my head asking me over and over on repeat “Are you bloody mad”?, In fairness i didn’t answer 😁.

The first month is now well and truly over and with some stamping of feet, hysteria and internal screaming, I survived this self inflicted torture process..I’m ok, doing fine,. If I say this often enough it may come true right?, But I’ve already noticed some positives, one is the headaches have finally gone, desisted, deceased, no more yayyyyyyy!, Another is I’m 7lb lighter, looks about self, can’t see where mind, but scales don’t lie nor my loose pants 😊, but what’s more remarkable is my thinking is clearer…yeah I know it’s hard to believe but it’s true, that over whelming fuzziness, has lifted, the looking at things in a half light, edges faded, unable to process incoming data, although having my other health issues means my thinking will always be impaired, cutting out sugar has improved the outlook though. As has going wheatfree again,..

This year although off to a slow start, I want to beat my reading score of last year. That was ending December 2023, then I had set a target to read fifty books, by as many different authors as I could find,. well not only did I succeed in this, I did so and more, the final tally was to be 84 books, this doesn’t include the 15 audio books,. Many new author’s, Genre, and I enjoyed getting to know the different techniques and styles, I found my mind and tastes stretching, this year’s book list is far greater, I’ve also included friends in on my plans this time, in hopes they will recommend new titles they have loved themselves, books that have fed their imaginations, left them wanting more, .this is deeply personal and gives me a feeling of connection not only to the author, which I always feel anyway, but to the person who chose it, a sense of knowing them better. Two friends have already joined in, I thank you both wholeheartedly, Joan and Katrina, if you want to join in feel free, I look forward to your suggestions…

 The next thing is connected to the above subject, I’m thinking of either joining a book club or starting one online, it’s early days yet for this, as thus far im deep in procrastination territory, bit lost..But it would be nice to share some discussion with other readers, plus find new books and author’s..as I say early days for this one folks, as I’m not a great joiner of things, I struggle around new people but nothing ventured and all that..oh well speaking of venturing, it’s time to stop all this lollygagging and go forth to the frozen tundra of outside to put out my Bin(trash, rubbish) ready for collection tomorrow, it’s already -3 out there folks and it’s only 5:30pm, if you don’t hear back from me send out the mountain rescue dogs…been nice knowing you😁, but in all seriousness people stay warm, take care of yourselves, until next we meet ……💜💜💜💜💜❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Sunday …

We are already approaching the second week in January at an alarming rate, and as we do, I begin now to know only too well the term, “Time and tide waits for no man”, or in this case woman, as the weeks float by almost too smoothly for my liking, I realise I have very little awareness of dates, time or the outside world come to that, since 2018 I’ve been living this almost entirely a housebound lifestyle in my Apartment bubble, protected, shielded, it’s not entirely by choice, but with the aid of books and reading I have travelled many roads, roads denied me in reality by situation and disabilities, I find a disquieting contentment with my lot, why disquieting, because with the passage of time, I become increasingly unnerved, the sand drips through life’s hour glass particle by particle I watched transfixed, unable to look away yet knowing by watching alone im wasting the thing I worry most about, and with it the unending need to find some way to capture in word, things that clamour to be heard, things inside the soul that feel the need to break out, but how, when words to me are like butterflies, I see them, their soft wings temptingly flutter in my mind, but when I reach out, with just powdered residue remaining their gone, words, stories, live on but I’ve no voice to release them…

Finding the words….

Back many many moons ago, I was about to come across someone who was going to sum me up in just a few very short devastating words, little would he ever know their lasting impact upon a child. That man was a teacher at Manorway Junior school in Tilbury., His name Mr Brown. I believe totally there was no malice behind the words, he never for one minute set out for those words to lay waste about my world so utterly and completely..but none the less they did!. . It was the 1970s everything was so different back then, (and not just the clothing and feather cut hairstyles or music),. There in small school, built almost entirely from tongue and groove wood painted black was where my education began, At that self same school a parent/teacher meeting took place one autumn,. I wasn’t to know then but that’s when my world suddenly grew smaller… In a tiny classroom sat Mr Brown at his Desk, my mother handbag on her lap fidgeting, words bandied back and forth between my mother and teacher, I was sitting somewhat further towards the back of the class,upon a tiny pine chair reading a book, The words spoken by my elders of which I was taught ignore..Sounded like those in that Charlie Brown cartoon…all I heard blah blah blah..few ums and arghs, nothing broke through my interest in the book upon my lap, that was until the words … “in fact Mrs Marsh I was thinking after talking it through with the head I would like to keep her back in my class for another year”. oh I heard that right enough, I strained my ears to listen intently without either spotting me my attention…if I thought those words hit home, the next ones spun my world a kilter, Mr Brown had said” Theresa knows enough, she’s very bright(kind teacher speak for thick as two planks 😁) “but she cannot find the words to put it down on paper”, at that time I felt it unjustified, i was hurt, I felt betrayed by my favourite teacher, was he really questioning my intelligence, my ability to learn, ….at that time those words caused such devastation, and were to remain with me forever, mainly because In fact their true. Now lets move forward years, decade’s, for I know them to be wise words, a truth spoken not with malice any at play, but with honest observation.

Still to this very day, try as I might the words in my head will not adhere themselves to paper., They dance about tormentingly, making fleeting appearances in my mind, before running off someplace the second I grab a sheet of paper or notebook. It’s as frustrating as hell, Take for instance the lines I write right now, i,ll have gone over and over them, reading, re-reading numerous times, each time im left wanting by my own ineptitude, not satisfied, yet craving with such hunger the lyric and power of the wordsmith, their use of words as easily as they trip from the tongue,. Throughout my years Ive tried hard to content myself with my meagre knowledge and use of written word, but as fast as I can inhale beautifully written dialogue in books, is the speed with which those self same words betray me, leaving me short of their use. So why worry now you ask? Because my voice is too loud for most, yet still never heard..my truths questioned, their validity unaccounted for, if I could find those words required to leave behind something tangible, even though it may only be for these eyes alone, I would feel heard, visible. Then rest at ease.

I was born into a world of Pain, an illness I find hard to pronounce let alone say could easy have robbed me of my very essence, the things that make me, but along with that self same DNA handing illness timebomb, I was found a sheer pigheaded stubborness, mules are beginners compared to moi,. I have a twisted left leg, deformed by lack of cartlidge, collagen,muscle to hold the joints in place, walking is agony, bone grinding against each other, yet I insist on walking, all the while I can propel this body forth, I damn well will, and not only this I will do so with a smile upon this face, sweat trickling down my spine, feeling sick to my stomach with hurting, but I refuse to let it show on the outside, as if by doing so I’m denying the pains very existence, it’s not happening right!…denial is a splendid thing my friends, and although I will not lie to a friend or loved one….oh goodness will I lie like a true professional to myself…

Each day is another day to be borne, the pain grows with the years, the muscle tone getting lax, joints subluxing 24/7 , pain knows nothing of the need to sleep, ignoring my longing for the dream world,. I know I’m not alone with illness, I get that all to well, but what hurts is the fact I’m questioned about the severity and it’s limiting effects, because I cannot find the words to describe how I feel inside, and my outside belies what’s going on within, it has to be confusing….what’s more I don’t want to feel anymore a burden than I am, So I push myself to the utter limits, till exhaustion forces upon me that full stop. But even then guilt eats away at me and I go that one step further, while there’s a heartbeat, there’s a way.

What has all this to do with where I began, because lack of words, a voice, has as Ive said robbed me of the truth, time and time again because my face shows one thing, my mask, an outside persona of someone living a happy go lucky lifestyle.,. But happiness as I know all too well can be bluffed though, I live a pretence almost, until perhaps one day life may just through me a rope, a lifeline, I’m paddling upon the surface, keeping me afloat…part of me grows cold and tired, achingly longing for it to be over, paddling while the rest of world swims by is tiring….

I suppose if I were to sit back and really analyse this, you could say it’s all my own fault, I could be more forthcoming with my issues, but in some respects it’s too ingrained in me to change, and in truth there’s no one I would burden with this, plus while with my mask intact, teeth gritted in my latest battle, no one treats me differently, I hate sympathy, dont you? I don’t want to see that look on their faces, concern, worry…but I guess along with this bluff, I must understand when they question the very truths that leave my mouth…it hurts like hell, because there’s so very people I let in, trust with the wounds of my soul, few told of the scars not only those physical, but mental, of locked away horrors…again I cannot blame them when they question what is my truth…a secret locked away inside so deep it may remain there untold…while the written words still flutter away on pretty gossamer wings into the atmosphere, I must content myself with moths, flying to close to the flame getting my wings burnt…my truths sealed away …….Thank you for allowing me to share, and may 2024 be kind to you all ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤😊

Friday 29th

Well that’s another Christmas come and gone, the last few run up days kind of flew by didn’t they?, without much ceremony or a cheery wave goodbye, In truth there really wasn’t much left to do anyhow, I like to kid myself i was all organic, (organised is the word Treez, its organised😊) and being fair to myself i had indeed gotten it down to that semi organised Chaotic state. , gone were those days of last minute shopping, present wrapping, When you have no car and driving for me should never be an option anyhow😁 you just have get all your turkeys in a row…well most of them. My tiny box freezer was stuffed so tight, opening the door was not only a challenge, but darn right lethal. You know it’s bad when you put off opening the door until you have no real choice left, then only do so with a broom in one hand and a chair in the other, yelling back foul feinds.. I also tried creeping up on it in the dark once or twice in hopes i could open it, without it knowing and half the contents launching itself at me.😁 after this freezer Tetris soon became my new Christmas hobby., Not by choice though you understand.

The day itself turned out to be super quiet almost in a tranquil mode,. And there my dears is the beauty of living by ones ownsome, (I can’t say I’m it’s biggest fan and given the choice of course one would always far rather get that Christmas dinner invitation, its such a rare treat indeed to have dinner put before you 😁., But other than that the next best thing is being by yourself, (I know to most of you it sounds the worst thing you can think of),but picture this if you will, for just a second.., waking up when your good and ready only, none of this diving out of bed before even the Sun’s fully awake, while the family sleeps on, tucked up cosy in their warm beds,, all so you can prepare and cook that lavish turkey banquet, that we all know appears magically upon the table, fueled only by that age old Christmas spirit,(the liquid breakfast, believe me I resorted to this more than once 😁😉), No this year instead I took my coffee back to bed, read a while before finally taking my time to get up and washed, I felt quite spoilt😁, putting on fresh shorts And a shirt,..Blissfully there was none of that head spinning, wild eyed panic, trying to serve up several things at once, while making gravy from scratch and all the while keeping it piping hot… Oh folks it was blooming marvellous, I daintily served up a resplendent repast for one, of sliced turkey, pigs in blankets, roast potatoes, stuffing, Brussels, green beans with thick gravy, not one bead of sweat putting in an appearance, After washing up my solitary plate, knife and fork, I relaxed in front of my usual Christmas viewing,.. Scrooge, it can only be that black and white version with Alistair Simm, for there is after all only one Scrooge “in keeping with the situation!” 😁.

 I opened my gifts much later than I would have usually, no other reason than I just wanted to savour the thought of having them that bit longer, and because well I could😁, I gave in to temptation finally as Jesse was excited though for me see what he had bought, And I really love this about him, such a pair of kids the pair of us, . I came to the conclusion that apart from not being at Jesse’s side Christmas morning, the next best thing was us on chat as usual just leisurely enjoying the day, no fuss no shenanigans. No pressure!, Moreover no exhaustion,😁. We napped, watched that traditional war film😁, while partaking of whisky loaded Christmas pudding and custard..(I send him pudding and custard every Christmas which thankfully he actually loves😁.

 New starts and family traditions

 This year saw a new tradition for my family, one introduced originally by Iceland during the second world war (that’s the country by the way not the food store😁) Its called Jolabokflod, which quite literally means the book flood. It all came about during the shortages, because one thing they still had plenty of was paper, after reading about it I decided to research some more. Thankfully all three of my children are readers and the gifting of a book, is such a wonderful personal thing don’t you think? One book in particular bought home mixed memories both happy and sad, I bought my daughter a book called the letter by Josephine Cox, I’ve not bought books by this author since my mother was alive some years back, this being mum’s favourite..

I had read this book back in October via my kindle, and now my daughter has her own paper back copy, I hope it gives her as much pleasure as it would have both myself and mum, it wasn’t just the reading for us though it was discussing, dissecting and sharing of each chapter, I have missed this greatly, I’m hoping with the use of this Jolabokflod tradition, I can introduce it to this next Generation, bringing about not only a love of books and reading, but that link to a much missed mother …

On a whole other note folks, I’ve hidden away the last of the chocolate, plus what’s left of any other contraband, because it’s time to say goodbye and farewell to my sugar addiction for yet another year, it’s only day three of sugar freeness, Bring on the headaches, muscle aches and moodiness, for they are indeed in full flight, (bring forth the tin hats and wave the white flag all who dare enter this obode😊)…this normally if I’m somewhat lucky lasts roughly around two weeks to a month.., remind me why am I doing this again?, Oh yeah health reasons, excuse me if it doesn’t feel right healthful now. but I will persevere until either it or I desists…..I’m not sure whose winning here right now…

I’ve also chosen this week to declutter…yeah I know I’m a glutten for punishment(or is that just a glutten?, shrugs who knows!) . But with the gaining of new things(present wise) my tiny apartment is becoming increasingly full, of well stuff!, And again living alone I like control of my tiny world, and the objects there in…I think I’m a closet minimalist…mind in my closet you would have to be, ..But does it sound terrible? When i say I want each thing in existence here to have a purpose, a reason for being, useful(we all need to feel useful right?)

  Thought behind this is I will eventually have carefully selected things about me, that I either love, have use or both. Everything else I will seek homes for if it can be made use of by someone, recycle or throw away.. I’m not the best at this I must confess, often sat amid piles of clutter trying desperately to sort through things while getting distracted by the self same stuff..but eventually I do sort that bag of things to go which are the rules …nothing less than a bag per week, at this rate I will be finished in time for 2028s new years celebrations..wish me luck folks 😁😁😁😁😁, Happy News year all, I hope the coming year, sees you all well, healthy, happy and prosperous…look after yourselves and take care out there ❤❤❤❤❤💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Its those last days of the run up to the Christmas madness, you know the ones, Most of you are out there now, doing that last minute shopping…you’ve already done it twice, I know!, But there’s always something you’ve forgotten isn’t there?!,…(always!). I have to think this crazed compulsive need to buy up half of Tesco( there are other stores available of course) Harks back to the olden days😁, when shops here were closed down for Christmas, and anything up to and over four days if Christmas day just happened to fall upon a weekend,

I can still remember rushing about endless shops with my mother one particular year, when she had forgotten two of the great British staples, Bread and milk.. I see you all sitting mouths aghast..😮 oh no not the bread and milk!!!!!😁, we finally hunted down both at a tiny local back street corner shop, one my dear mother(who was rather Hyacinth Bucket) would normally not have frequented if any other shop within a five mile radius had stocked the things she wanted.

When I had my own family, some years later, I too joined that great British tradition of rushing about shops, looking for stuff !!!!!!!, Yes stuff!, stuff that you just have to get in, (your whole life depends on this arghhhh!!!!, rush rush, headless Turkeys coming through!!), Only for said stuff to sit there lurking in some dark recess of the cupboard way way after Christmas,. Take those netted bags of sprouts for instance, no one and I mean no one dreams of buying these the rest of the bloody year, except the odd weirdo!!!, Myself included here 😁( but it’s a tradition right?, Who hated us enough to write that in anyhow?) As a small kid I could never fathom out why oh why my mother ruined a perfectly wonderful Christmas dinner with the addition of those demonic devil mini cabbages, (no amount of my mothers telling me that they were in fact baby cabbages was ever going to persuade me to indulge!, Because not only did they make me gag upon sight, Now she’s telling me I’m eating some poor mother cabbages children and at Christmas too!, what was that about?, When I relayed back to my mother one year while we,re all sat about the best table., I couldn’t possibly eat the sprouts upon my plate, because I wasn’t going to be responsible for making the mother cabbage heart broken, it earned me a clip about the head for “my sauce”, .sauce now I may have tried them with tomato sauce🙄😁

Then there’s the carrots, Bread sauce(I have as yet managed to avoid this delightful white gloop, who on earth thought of making sauce using lumps of carb laced regurgitated bread chunks? What was they thinking, mmmmm mmmm yes bread juice let’s add that to everyones favourite meal and make it a thing!, what did I do to you?😁, ..I get the parsnips folks, I’m rather partial to a honey and mustard roast parsnip myself, and stuffing will always be a firm favourite, But even after we have everything in for this dinner of epic proportions, that no normal human being could eat and survive, we insist of buying even more stuff (food)

You simply must have three sorts of good chocolate biscuits, (those posh variety in tins, with Christmas scene on,) ready to place on that highly polished coffee table) sausage rolls, mince pies, (in case someone pops round) then there’s the tins of sweets, bottles of plonk, sweet sherry, Port, Brandy, because you never know, One of the neighbours might come over and need plying with liberal amounts of alcohol and food, (they only come over to bring you a card folks and here you are shoving a glass of some kind, in their hand before they can make good their exit or worse still refuse…I bet someplace right at this very moment, somewhere in the world, there’s a couple looking at each other, real fear upon their poor little faces…”can’t you take their card over”? “Please, I did it last year, they’re gonna feed me I just know it”…😁, “probably already getting it ready right now, in case I try to leave”.

In truth I don’t miss all the hurried preparation, that endless panic, the fights over whose watching what on tv, because they had circled it in the radio Times weeks ago..as you know I can’t stand wrapping presents, mainly because getting paper around the gift without it looking like a two year old high on a Christmas sugar fix, is hoping too much of me..

There is something to be said about living alone at this time of year if I’m honest, My tiny sparrow sized piece of Turkey will not need cooking over night😁(Do you remember that smell drifting up the stairs all that morning, like a demented turkey ghost of Christmas past, I do😁) my vegetables are all frozen and just need blasting with radiation in the microwave, I will just need one potato, pig in blanket tahdah dinners done ✔, what’s more I can eat when or where I like, there’s little to wash up, and I can stay in my pjs all blooming day should I choose..

To all those last minute shoppers and their partners my thoughts go with you, I still get flashbacks to this day of being jostled by stressed out shoppers, rushing about armed and dangerous wielding loaded shopping trolleys at your legs like they are pins at a bowling alley, husbands with faces longer than next week, their eyes dull, showing they left their brain out in the trolley bay,to collect later, It’s no good asking them what do they think? Because they no longer do, it’s the one day ladies you can put what the bloody hell you want in those trolleys, because no one will know, they are all doing the likewise.😁..(of course theres always going to be a fair amount of trolley envy, ” Did you see how high Tracy’s trolley was piled”?)…

The most stressful thing I did today was my once yearly, take a card and presents to my neighbours…I know your looking at the screen here in thinking how’s this even remotely stressful?😁, well believe it or not I started working myself up about ringing on their door bell three days ago, I dread it..I have gone through about fifty different scenario,s in my head before I’m even fully awake the morning of😁,. The favourite one is they pretend they are out when I call😁. Each year I choose the day and time in going to do the deed. Today was D day…😮. I had put it off enough.

I woke early, very early, the claustrophobic feeling of doom matching the weather outside, Grey, wet n windy…(I was spared the windy part only😁).. First task shower…not just any shower mind, oh no I precede to scrub myself to within an inch of life, basting myself in nearly neat Peppermint shower gel, I’m determined in my own small way to smell fresh, nice and like an XXXL strong mint😁, first objective achieved, everywhere is now ssmelling minty fresh, even those places on second thoughts it wasn’t quite such a good idea to freshen…ouch!😉next a spritz of deodorant, perfume, maybe I should dress now 😁.

I’m careful at this point not to over egg the pudding, guild the Lilly, put too much make up on and look like I’m trying too hard😁, all the while im trying to hard😊. I have a coffee to calm my fractured nerves, but of course when you have your cup of caffeine so strong you develop the shakes and a twitch under your right eye, this was not the look I was going for,. after this delay tactic I decide to just find my slippers and get it over with…I can’t find my slippers, where the heck are my slippers?!!, That’s it I can’t go, someone broke in and stole them I just know it….they eventually turn up the traitors under the other side of my bed, where I put them last night….oh yeah!!!!!, ooops! .

I finally grab the bag of gifts I’ve had over a week now, it includes one for wee Freddy their uber cute little dog., On leaving the flat finally, all excuses, delays and final checks used up, I go out, leaving my front door wide open, (there’s some sort of comfort in doing so, like I’ve just stepped out, oh yeah I have😊) I walk across, my finger pressing the bell, it’s loud jingly jangly sound makes me want to turn tail and run(coward)..but I dont, there’s no answer, so I ring again…again no answer, why won’t they answer? !!!????? They are all hiding behind the sofa, I know it, shooshing each other until I’m gone…you realise this is one of the many scenarios….I wait a minute before leaving…

I go back in, make more coffee, decide to do a few chores while I wait to try again, Today is the day, we are doing this, I’ve got this….only I havnt, I don’t wanna…I’m fast turning a nice thing, a good thing, a lovely thought, into a drama…my lack of self confidence ruining something again “Normal folk” take for granted. ..I start cleaning out Sages(my budgie) cage..I’m half way, when something out the corner of my eye moved over at my neighbours….Quick!!!!!!!, Let’s do it.

I leave Sage half cleaned, singing away to himself on the floor, grab up the bag from where I left it by the Christmas tree… And out we go, ok I’m going to be fine…but in that short few seconds, whomever has gone in, disappears, poooof, no more….with some determination, I ring that bell again!!!,…nothing!… I’m imagining them all making good their escape, out their back door, clambering over the 6ft fence, little Freddy with them in a frantic bid to escape their crazy neighbour person…😁, I’m about ready to go, when the door finally opens. … I’ve always got along well with both my neighbours and especially Freddy😊, so it’s no surprise that we do this time also, our chat easy, pleasant and warm…the difficulties are in my somewhat vivid imagination,running away with me on over drive, my insecurities playing fast and loose. Despite this though,It all goes well, we exchanged gifts and wish each other seasons greetings, and all that work up is now done for another year…well until next year that is 😁😁😁😁😁😁…if your still out there wandering aimlessly about the shops, you have my deepest sympathies…if your home finally, put those feets up, take your shoes off, pour yourself a drink and relax, my goodness you’ve earnt it bless you… If your doing it tomorrow …..surely your not right? You can’t be serious?… oh you are…i,’ll light you a candle ….take care out there good folk, look after you💚💖💚💖💚💖💚💖💚💖💚💖❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄🌨⛄🌨⛄🌨⛄x

Knowing this years festivities were going to be somewhat more of a challenge to prepare for, I had in my infinite wisdom decide to get an early start on the upcoming preceding,s,(kind of like sneaking up on it only wearing size 9 hobnail boots in my case though) . the last week in November still managed to catch me unawares, in all fairness though I had begun putting a few things away,(Hunter gatherer extraordinaire im not ). I have to admit for me this can be slightly dangerous territory😳, as being shut away every night with anything even remotely sweet, lurking in a cupboard is fatal!, one has the added temptation to go on the prowl for partial hidden treats..I’m no exception to this rule ,(I’m just a weak willed woman folks😁). Worse time being waking up in the night, a chocolate bar anywhere in the vicinity is fair game, there’s not one invented I cannot sniff out, blood hounds have no patch on me got on the trail of a crumb of cake or chocolate(seriously ….

With the great Electricity debacle of the summer 2023 still fresh on my bank balance,(let alone mind) I knew I was going to have to shop slightly more canny(wiser) than I had the previous years,. Thinking this and following it through will never be the same thing where I’m concerned ever!, I had in all fairness at least bought the Christmas turkey in ready.., welllllll ok!!! Calling what I have a turkey is a false representation of turkeys everywhere in England,. What I actually have here folks, is something akin to the size of a small pitiful sparrow, all naked hiding in its ready to cook foil tray..ok technically it still qualifies as Turkey right?(only just though) although I will never be quite certain which part, (this maybe a blessing of course 😁), . Having seen the price of everyone’s favourite Christmas bird this year I nearly fell off my perch and resorted to the infamous nut roast(nut roast for me though was a bit of a worry, sounds like resorting to cannibalism if you know many of my relatives, they know who they are😊,. The price even more so, surely nuts can’t cost that much to grow?, although looking at some of my lot, back to family again😁 ) Think I will stick with my roast sparrow(Turkey) plus by the time I get my pig in blanket made, (yup just the one folks, let’s not get too carried away here), some roast potatoes, the odd green gut grenade, (aka sprout), and stuffing, should only need a spoonful of this what with the size of the Turkey 😁😁😁😁, not so sure where I’m going to stuff it though…..now now folks I know it’s tempting…😁.

I had also started looking at getting my Christmas gifts, even that though in truth seemed more daunting than I hoped, for some reason running right out of ideas for those nearest and dearest, I spent afternoons on “The Amazon”, flicking from one page to page to another, scrolling through every possible gift idea known to woman kind,, this brain normally full of gift ideas, blankly refused to cooperate, and it’s not that my family are difficult or fussy, it’s just what they need they buy for themselves throughout the year, Despite listening in during family conversations more acutely than a bugged FBI to phone, I hadn’t picked up one clue in months, they either held it closer to their chests this year or deliberately held off mentioning anything to challenge me, I’m going with the latter.😊.

  Even after I had found something remotely suitable for them and that of my dwindling bank balance, the delivery dates ranged anyplace from January to late bloody August, I found myself often screaming obscenities at the screen,(bah blooming humbug) not very Christmas like Treez, . If we then got passed this hurdle in my over enthusiasm at finding a gift at long painstakingly last, I would have it sent here, instead of their address, which then of course meant cancellation and re ordering…(I’m now an expert in this quarter though.. After many days hold up here in a caffeine induced stupor, I finally achieved my Christmas list done….after my language though I think im relegated to Santa’s naughty list permanently.

 Saturday was equally just as traumatic, I had left wrapping my son’s gifts right up until that day before seeing them, why do I do this to myself?, Leaving me with no time, it is indeed a crazy way to operate. And I do this every blooming year, never learning!!!! I hate Christmas wrapping if I’m honest,, I’m not one of those unnatural types😁, you can give them any type of paper they go away do some kind of secret magical thing, and arrive back seconds later, with something glorious, all shiny, perfect corners(even on a ball😳😁) bows, ribbons, coloured tape, and they’ve not even broken into a bloody sweat..Give Jesse a sheet of the Times news paper and before I can see how his achieved it, there under the tree sits a perfectly packaged gift..I just want to know how?, No seriously I do, are these folks naturally born Santa’s blooming little helpers or created over time…just seems so unfair!!!!🙄.

 I have two bottles of wine in my fridge my daughter Becky bought me, somewhere back last month, I’m thinking of finding out a stray straw and cracking open both bottles at the prospect of wrapping the gifts, I swear they had began mocking me over a week ago now, leaving me in a cold sweat, I sit looking at the tape, scissors and the grinning Bloody Rudolph the bloody red snotter reindeer with utter contempt , I know without a shadow of a doubt it’s a conspiracy…it hates me. and come to that the feelings all too mutual🙄, ..But I bravely begin my task, Jesse sits there laughing already, as he hears the tell tale rip of paper, the airs bluer than any blue thing, the tape flies across the room, Sage the Tourettes budgie shouts Damn!!!, Right at that appropriate moment(good timing little buddy). But despite my protestations it must get done, it’s for your sons Treez, you love them, do this for the team…..

An hour later I have one present sort of wrapped, in truth the paper is just thrown somehow Hap hazardously about the gift, I’m covered head to toe in beads of sweat, teeth gritted I utter my gift wrapping mantra, it’s christmas, I love you son…..I LOVE YOU SON!!!!! I growl out to know one in particular!, .I’m now covered in more tape than the gift, ..Later, much much later!, I’m finally done, I can no longer find the scissors, tape or my sanity mind, my suspicion is it’s in one of the gifts, but it’s finally over right!?, Can I breathe again?, I’m done for another year…..hang on Sage is remarkable quiet! SAGE!!!!!!!!!!!😳,

 That Sunday as we sit about, in my son’s apartment, my eyes drawn constantly to a large 6ft Christmas tree, its aglow with glittering twinkly fairy lights, striped candy canes and glass balls, he had been a somewhat reluctant tree erecterer, that was until his mother cajoled him into making the effort, and that’s what this is all about isn’t it in truth, making that extra effort for your loved ones, it’s not about the feasting, shiny well packaged gifts, or even getting together, it’s going the extra mile, we may moan, but deep down we love it!!!. I’m sat with these now two fully grown men, I can hardly believe I had a hand in creating, because they are such good folk, and that’s not just a mother talking proudly, but they genuinely have turned out two of the best, as has my daughter…I bask in this rare moment of togetherness, looking from one to the other, I love hearing their laughter filling the room, I’m content just to sit quietly for once taking it all in, I’m sat there with three of the nicest people I know, it’s so all bloody marvellous until my eyes stray once more to the tree, there sat underneath are a pile of perfectly wrapped presents🙄😁😁😁😁😁, Damn even my son’s can achieve the ultimate perfect wrap…blooming Nora !!!!!!….Anyhow Merry Christmas good folks, enjoy yourselves, your families, and until next year stay safe, stay well ❤❤❤❤❤❄❄❄❄❄❄⛄⛄⛄⛄⛄⛄⛄🌨🌨🌨🌨🌨🌨🌨🌨

Sleep Per Chance to Dream

It has one of the worst kept secrets in the world, that insomnia haunts me most nights, haunt I guess is actually too strong a terminology and I suppose laying awake throughout the night isn’t really that big an deal, Except perhaps where boredom is concerned. living so close a proximity to three other people, as I do in this apartment comes with its own limitations.(I try to keep everything down to a dull roar though😁, (You can hear everything and I mean everything, this i,’ll leave for your imagination folks). Friday night was another of those wakeful, restless nights, and again I wouldn’t have worried to much if it were not for the fact I was due to go out early the very next morning to meet up with my family,.And it’s a rare occasion when I get to see my daughter, it’s rarer still to have both my daughter and son in one room, I was excited to see them, I’ve been quietly looking forward to it for some weeks now…but on the downside it meant actually going outside, yes I know(sighs) people do do that from time to time😁, but I’m not ordinary people,stop itttttt!😁.

I moved about all Friday night restless, trying to find that sweet comfortable spot in the bed, reaching out for that warm safe fuzzy headed feeling, the world fading slowly into muted sound before total oblivion, eyes drifting down and nothingness ensues,. The more I sought its company, the further away it ran, by 6:30am neck sore and head aching, chilled through., Ive decided to give up on the whole idea, sighing, feet feeling about beneath the bed on cold floor until finally locating my fluffy slippers, once their encased I slop out to the bathroom, I’m already desperate for a coffee, my tongues coated and dryer than the Sahara, but with my nerves already twitching, last thing I want on that drive out to the hotel my daughters at, is the onset of a sudden game of Poolette😁, so my darling coffee which calls seductively from the kitchen, is for once ignored..

Saturday

First things first I swiftly take care of my responsibilities, Cinnie and Sages requirements(pets) before getting myself almost fit to be seen in public,.(takes so much longer these days😳) I just finish when my son arrives, We are being picked up from here by Gary (my son in law, in his Jaguar no less(I feel quite posh), 😁 But before his arrival myself and Andrew set about making a last minute birthday cake…(as one does), it’s not the first occasion we have achieved this either(but we are a good team)..thank goodness even with the rush job, it turns out far better than we could have hoped for,.. Making a googly eyed hedgehog at dawn is everyone’s idea of fun right?, Not made easy, when you can’t keep your hands of the chocolate buttons or frosting. Six packets had previously succumbed over the weeks before this cake became factual 😳😳😳, (wasn’t my fault I was just product testing, nothings too good for my daughter! 😁, it’s official folks im now sick of Cadbury buttons…

Gary arrived just shortly after we add those final finishing touches, One cross eyed hedgehog safely secured in his travelling case and we are on our way, The roads were good, plus their hotel was only roughly twenty minutes from my home, not long enough for me to really work myself into any decent panic mode, but I give it a go anyway.😁

My heart sinks as I realise upon arrival, their room is three floors up, and despite my hurried flustered search for a flight of stairs or three, I soon discover we are in fact going to have to make use of the tiny cramped box of an elevator, (my every worst nightmare since a traumatic experience in early childhood) being terribly claustrophobic isn’t helping much either. I chatter nervously as the metal doors clang shut and the box judders, before making its way upward,. I had already known, my phone was about to be disconnected from Jesse, this is not helping, and served only to increase my already fraught anxiety ..I stare hopelessly at the tiny blank black screen as if doing so, means I’m in some way still linked to Jesse, although I know I’m not, the silence is crippling, all I can hear is the pounding in my chest and shallow overly fast breathing, I long for the elevator to reach its destination, so I can press that call button on my phone….what is actually just two minutes, feels like hours, and unbearable…make it stop!

Finally we shudder to a halt, the doors pause for seconds, as does my heart, I want to claw at the thin gap between them, to release me, but of course I dont, as the doors shakily open finally and cool air rushes in, I take a deep breath, Ive made it… Becky and Gary’s hotel room is flooded by brilliant sunlight, the heat hits me immediately, (living in this flat I’ve grown quite unused to feeling warmth😁,. I don’t hang about taking off the thick fleece Jacket I had put on before leaving that morning or pulling the curtains shut before even saying hello 😁, .

Finally I can press the call button, now Jesse is back on his screen, I sigh, sit myself down and my world’s right there, I have two of my three children, Jesse and my favourite son in law there with me, it’s not just the actual physical warmth that radiates about the room, it’s the warmth of family, loved ones, . I’m so good at hiding these emotions, the fact that I really miss them, because in doing so it would only serve to tear at me greatly,not able withstand it, I box it away where it can cause the least pain possible.. But I have them for now, we are all talking at once, no one bothers about talking over the other, because we are excited, it’s been many months since we have all sat in the one room, politeness is parked outside the door, today we fill the tiny room with an over spill of chatter and laughter..I sit a while just silently watching their smiling faces, amazed as always I had any part in creating these wonderful people. And they are truly amazing, kind, generous, loving people. My people, a family, I at once feel humbled

I finally get to have that much needed coffee, which was just as well as the heats making my throat parched, lack of caffeine for over twelve hours has commenced a countdown, making my head pound mercilessly,, it’s a thing! I’m no longer used to coffee withdrawal 😳😁,. Gifts are being exchanged between us, one of which is a massive care package, filled with different foods,sweets, my favourite toiletries and even sparkling wine, So theres my Christmas taking care of without even leaving the comfort of home.😁, . After which I’m handed a large square box, I’m intrigued at once, I won’t lie, such a kid where surprises are concerned.

in the box as carefully open the tape tabs, is a suitcase turntable,(record player) 😁, I never would have guessed that was coming, I’ve not seen one either since the age of 12, . I’m already transported back in time, sat upon my bedroom floor, surrounded by my small but cherished collection of 45 records, each in their paper cover waiting to be played.

As early as I can recollect, Music had been a massive deal for me, I have this early memory of being four years old, hanging onto my mother’s hand, shivers travelling up my little spine, hair standing on end listening to the bagpipes play at a local parade,. Go forward a way to twelve year old, hearing the words for the first time to a song, I shall never forget, by John miles thinking to myself, at last someone else gets music’s import and an insightfulness into how I felt, (That song Music was my first love,.). Every emotional moment throughout my life has been connected with music, Every thought, feeling both the good and even the bad, I can go back and relay to you where I was, what the weather was like, how i felt, I’ve never just listened to music…I hear it, feel it, breath to its beat..

So the gift was one of such thoughtfulness, so apt, with the turntable came some singles I had thought lost forever, ones my daughter had remembered her mother playing and singing albeit somewhat badly along too, that crackle, the moment the needle meets vinyl, will always take me down memory lane as will the smell, . Until recently I thought myself content to listen to my collection via the medium of Spotify upon my tablet, now I will have fun for years to come finding out 45s and connecting music to memory once more…

Our Saturday afternoon was over way too soon, and knowing it will be at least another year before our family is together once more is always sas, but one way in which we will always have a connection is our shared love of all things music, ..Sunday morning I spent time setting up the turntable in my bedroom,seems time has gone full circle, although I’m no longer that teenager singing and dancing with my pretend hairbrush Mike, that’s a thing of the past, but one never truly knows 😳😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, The weather’s freezing out folks, but it’s with a full warm heart I tell you to be careful out there, wrap up warm ❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤.

Music was my first love and it will be my last, Music of the future and music of the past, to live without my music would be impossible to do, in this world of trouble my music pulls me through……. 🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

December 31st 2022

It’s 12:05 am and I am laying upon the bed, facing my phone, Jesse quietly works away at an account for one of his clients,(New years or no the work must go on) we look up long enough to wish each other Happy New year, then carry on with the evening, im listening to the last of the fireworks, as they race up into the evening sky, where upon they explode into an erupting ball of light, colour and sound, finishing with a pop and fizz before silence ensues once more, the gently thumps of music above my head serves as a timely reminder that I’m not the only one awake or indeed alive and right now another year begins, while we are waiting to do it all over again in five hours time, (in Jesse world.

The challenge..

Beside me on the yellow fleece blanket, lies a crumpled up piece of lined paper, just shortly before new year kicked off, I had begun a list, a list of resolutions, intent. Even before that last fire work burst rudely into the night, I knew without any shadow of doubt or remorse I would break every single one of those carefully thought out plans for a healthier, happier lifestyle, I’m a weak woman and I make no apologies for it! 😁.

There was however one item listed, it sat at the very bottom of the page glaring defiantly at me, refusing unlike the others to be ignored or abandoned. It had meaning, and despite everything I knew it too!.

During the very long dark cold days of winter, I find myself often at a loss for things to occupy this mind of mine, (and goodness knows you really don’t want my mind running amok, not ever!) my mornings are pretty much taken care of, I’m a well scheduled being😊, I go about my chores while Jesse catches up on some much needed sleep, it’ tends to be those long stretches from noon onward till evening I find most testing, And being mainly house bound they seem drag on endlessly,. Doesn’t help I’m not a big fan of tv, (my life has enough dramas without soaps) Cooking for one is always over before it ever really began, And I’ve pretty much relinquished art days to some dingy dank space at the back of the cupboard in my bedroom, for the foreseeable future unfortunately.

The only other hobby I had up to a point ever really stuck at till recent years that is, was reading, from the time words stopped dancing about upon the pages, I think I would be, roughly six or seven, I read. Not just because it was expected, or for school, I actually loved books. In the early years it was ladybird books, beautiful block colour pictures, with fairy tales, I can still see pictures of Rumple stilskin to this day, Im positive they would still unnerve me too😊, Farm scenes with large Shire horses and their snow white feathery feet, gleaming chestnut coats pulling ploughs, big white faces pointing down to the earth, muscular necks arched as the team pulled their weight into leather collars.. Janet and John books, all before I swiftly moved on to Enid Blyton and her wonderful adventuresome famous five.

I went to the library each week with my father, loving the smell of dusty old well read books, I would sit on one of the tiny chairs placed in a semi circle, with two or three books at my side, quietly reading away until he had chosen his. For a child so full of life and chatter, I rather loved the enforced hushed silences, the books filled my overworked mind completely, Saturday was library day, Saturday bought new books to devour, new adventures to be found betwixt plastic covered covers.. My father encouraged my love of everything books, buying me Princesses Tina pony books each year at Christmas, . Coming back from another trip to London one time with a red covered second hand paper back, its gold lettered title faded with use.. That book happened to be Anna Sewells Black Beauty, from page one, laying flat on my stomach across the bed, I was locked into the words, loving how Anna became Beautys voice, her description of his life spoke volumns to an Eight year old horse lover. As the years went on, no book was safe from me enquiring mind, I read books way above my age range…although this to came with its own bitter pill,

Being a sensitive nervous kind of kid, I would dread Tuesday afternoons at Manorway Primary school,. we would have had our lunch in the canteen, then or soon after I would begin to feel that tell tale twist begin in my stomach, I knew what was coming, The words “right books out children and read to yourselves”, instead of being my idea of joy, was a living nightmare. My surname beginning with M was unfortunate, it meant I came halfway down the list..halfway meant just enough time to work myself up into a ball of nerves, jumping each time Mr Brown called out a name, You see that was time for each pupil to read aloud to the class,. (I have always hated being centre of attention, drawing attention to myself was never a good thing at home, so when it became my turn to read, I stuttered badly over some words, missing out others that due to panic merged into a jumbled up mess, I couldn’t express my fears to my teacher as nice as he was, I just couldn’t find the words, but each week my teacher wouldn’t allow me to change my book because my reading wasn’t good enough, in truth I read far better than the older child they had listen quietly to me, often having to read out longer more complicated words for them 😁. Reading at school was frustrating if not annoying, reading at home or the library was heaven.

As I grew up I found whole hours, if not days could be lost between those pages, Finding a small area at home, where no one went, filling it with an old tattered rag rug, cushions and a blanket, there hidden from sight, curled in a ball with a book I found escapism, journeys, adventures, I became so involved with the characters that I swore when I had to put my book down, they carried on without me, many a time I crept up on my latest book silently, opening the covers in a hurry to see what had occurred in my absence..course nothing had because we all know their far to clever to actually get caught out😁

Throughout the years books, have been my playground, escape from traumatic experiences, light when life was too dark to bear, even while going through the restrictions, limitations of Agoraphobia, within books I travelled to far off countries, journeys to places I could only dream of in reality.. Also with the aid of books my mother and I found common ground, a no man’s land if you will, where in life we had clashed badly, our love of reading, bought about peace, harmony and frequent hours on the phone discussing our latest read..we had bonded over our love of books to such a point I hunted high and low to find her her favourite authors in local charity shops, in fact the very last Christmas present I bought her was a book by Josephine Cox, …

And there began an issue, over the years myself and mother had shared such wonderful moments together, afternoons in her sunlit living room, drinking tea and chattering like excitable sparrows over the latest copies Josephine Cox or Catherine Cookson books,. Both getting through at least three per week. 😁

When my mother died, the trauma of losing her for some reason meant for the first time in my whole life, books couldn’t save me, they couldn’t bring about that solace I was used to..instead of life between the pages, I found a jumbled up mix of flat black written words, spidery letters that escaped off the page, it was meaningless, I tried so often to pick one up, longing to find that escape from the pain that crushed my heart, but instead of having that need fulfilled, I found a big empty void, it’s daft I know but inside me I felt the one time I needed them most like my mother they had gone…but in truth it was myself that had abandoned them…

Back to December 2022.

As I lay absent mindedly flicking through Facebook one afternoon, an advert came up on my news feed for a book called The reading list by an author I hadn’t heard of previously, called Sara Nisha Adams,. Normally I would scroll passed without a backward glance, but something stopped me mid scroll this time, it caught my attention, and I read it’s synopsis, never thinking that I would go on to find myself buying the book. But I did, and even as I read the first few pages later, I held out little hope I would complete it.(totally defeated from the off) but again to my pheasant surprise, not only did I read it, I devoured the pages hungrily, not feeling sated until I read the very last word.

The book was built around the main characters loss of his wife, yet though it has some sadness, it’s also filled with pearls of wisdom, learning how to rejoin society after shutting yourself firmly off, how to begin life all over …how apt was that book for my first reading experience in years…the book also mentioned a list left behind by the characters wife..a list of books..books that actually exist, so as I closed the cover of the reading list, I searched for the for the five books on that list….that last day of December I not only found those five books, but with them returned my love of reading…

It’s with this in mind I go back to that original crumpled piece of lined paper, there I saw on the bottom line, my last resolution..please read 50 books by this time next year..yeah I hear you all ..What FIFTY!!!!?, And in the beginning it did seem an overwhelming task I had set myself, but that journey through the pages has seen me through both good and bad times, submerged totally Ive bonded with their authors, it’s such an intimate thing, the sharing of words, letting someone into your inner most thoughts…

Did I do it?

You bet I did, I took that challenge right to my heart, I engorged on each volume, and though there’s no one to share the stories with, no soul with which to discuss the highs and lows, What had started out as just a challenge in the beginning, has grown into so much much more..it’s like finding a long lost friend in a crowd, then catching up on old times over coffee…50 books was what I set myself, 72 books later and I’m still not done😁, I’ve discovered new authors, genre I never would have guessed I would enjoy, old favourites have returned once more too, I’ve joined my local online library, what’s more I’m no longer haunted by loss, because I regained so much more…next year who knows I may set myself something else entirely or maybe a nice round number, like 100 books 😁. Anyone want to join me? 😁 I’m going off to make another coffee folks and carry on with my latest addiction a book called, the last letter by Ruth Saberton..whatever your doing today, stay safe and take care of you❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤x

Saturday …..

Waking early on a Saturday I’m fully convinced should be against the law some place., So this being the case, waking up early Saturday only to be utterly convinced it’s a Sunday, surely must be criminal😁, . In all honesty I could easily have laid back down and slept another two hours in the very least, but in my defence I had someone coming to collect a package, for return, any time between 8:30am and 12:30, I knew full well if I had slept in, it would be nearer that 8:30 mark… I thought it best to be at least semi dressed and not half comatose for the occasion, on reflection I’m not so sure I achieved the second half of that, but least I had managed to dress myself,(I’m good like that😁) plus that has to count for something right?.

In the end a very soggy looking mailman turned up mid morning, I had by this time of course indulged in my third large mug of coffee of the morning, and was debating strongly with myself whether walking down to the post box was on the cards, or could it be delayed somewhat until Monday at least(procrastination being my one true weakness, ok besides coffee and cake)..it had been raining heavily most of the morning., the sky remained low and full of yet more to come, so there would have been justification for staying put in the warm,. but i knew I should make the effort,(for my friends in the USA, going to the postbox, isn’t like it is there, we have to go out to post our mail, no one collects) My daughter’s birthday is in the week so I wanted to get her card off, because sometimes it can take a few days even first class to arrive…(cards posted Beck, you may get it before the big day 😁

I took the opportunity to make a dash(dash who am i blooming kidding, hobble more like 😁) during a brief lull in the latest monsoon, post box not being that far, roughly five minutes I think, well for those fit folk amongst us, more like twenty for me😁, I enjoyed the outing despite its briefness,. The trees here have finally lost most of their leaves at some point during one or another of the three storms, the sky may have been grey and dull but the trees were doing their best to illuminate the day with their dazzling leaves, whether upon the ground or those remaining steadfast clinging bravely to the semi naked limbs, it wasn’t cold outside despite the dampness, small birds were making the most of the brief dry spell chattering excitedly, hedge sparrows darting in and out the dense green cover, emerging in small groups to quarrel energetically like tiny politicians all trying to shout at once,. large flocks of chubby wood pigeons rummaged in the blades of still wet grass looking for food, seems I’m not the only one enjoying the respite.

The inspector calls

As hard as walking can be at times, I find it somewhat therapeutic, the last few days being very stressful..it was inspection time again on my apartment, and I know each time deep down it’s going to be fine, I’m going to be fine, but that doesn’t help. I’m told at least ten days in advance, ten whole days to work myself into a red hot frenzy,and I do it so well,😁, .My apartment is always clean, maybe because I keep it that way😁. But that doesn’t stop me running about obsessively for days, washing down paintwork, vacuuming, spraying, cleaning every bloody thing …I swear even the spiders here get cleaned so they look at their best, those that the smoke signals missed, and hadn’t gone into hiding until it’s over that is.

Its daft to work myself up so very much, as the guys only here for five minutes, he does a quick walk around, takes some photos and leaves, always always comments on how nice it’s kept, only this time actually saying it’s immaculate,. And of course that goes someway to sooth my anxiety, If he had just seen the mess I was making in my attempts to reach said cleanliness status, it could well have been game over….I think I’m the only person I know, can make mess while actually cleaning…don’t ask about the bread making episode?, sufficient to say when my anxiety level is at a peak, it makes my tremors far worse, so instead of wholemeal flour neatly landing in a mound in my bread machine, my hand jerks suddenly sending it spiralling over walls, floor, ceiling and of course myself.. Then this involves a further mad half hour with the vacuum cleaner and changing t shirts…and why did I decide to make bread on inspection day?…it’s all linked I promise😒, Inspection day means stress, stress calls for either chocolate or carbs…this one was a major headache and I found in fact i needed both😁, ewww wonder if there’s such a thing as chocolate bread😁?

By the time he left, I was in an utter state of nervous exhaustion, I tried resting for half an hour, but the overly high adrenaline level served to prevented it, might not have helped the amount of caffeine running about my veins was still peaking at this point 😁, ..it’s been three days now and my teeth are still hurting, where I clench my teeth so much it’s almost enough to send them out the other side of my jaw😁, no matter how hard I try to accept the inevitable, accept the inspection, work with it. I cant, and for days after I’m left feeling vulnerable, almost violated, I value my privacy deeply, even more and more these days, especially since retreating further from the real world into my protective bubble.

Im fully cognizant of the need for these six monthly checks, I understand their import of course I do, there are just as many unscrupulous tenants out there, as there are landlords, but I still can’t help but wish it wasn’t happening to me, this being my only safe space, sanctuary. And mentally I feel this most overwhelming need, to repel all boarders…

It’s with some comfort that i now know I’ve another six months until the next visit, And each time I promise myself i will be more relaxed about the whole thing,(we know my success with that) one thing is at least it gives me time to wear off the added extra calories, 😁. I’m not sure whether Sage(budgie) picks up on all this extra activity and stress, but yesterday as I came home from my walk, I nipped over to tell him I was back and open his cage doors, (their normally only closed at bedtime or if I’m out) he shot straight out and landed on my shoulder, then head, something his not done on any previous occasion,. He does get on my hand, but he just seemed to need to be close by, even sitting by my side to eat ..I found this very touching and a highlight to end an otherwise chaotic week. Take care out there folks, and take care of you ❤❤❤💛💛💛