Chapters

Dear Diary Monday morning…..

For years I had carried around a crumpled piece of gold paper, Until it became too worn and creased, the words upon it now unreadable…those words back some twenty odd years ago, had struck a chord deep within me, I carried the paper about in every jacket pocket I wore, it acted as a kind of talisman to ward off the evil Panic attacks that hit suddenly, especially anytime I ventured outside my front door. I was safe, I had my piece of paper, I could touch it, it was real..unlike the lie, the threat of instant deathly panic attacks bought.. The wording on it?, Simple but effective…”Remember today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday”(Dale Carnegie).

For the other thinker that exists within me, these words bought a modicum of comfort, I’m always running off worried about tomorrow, next week, next year before today’s barely even begun, It can’t be helped, it has always been such, and I’m to old to change now😁, I’ve missed out on so much worrying the days away…And Sunday was no exception, I knew only to well Monday bought with it, a doctor’s appointment, and I really didn’t want to go…there was no reason, nothing bad was about to happen, but my frame of mind wasn’t right, yeah I know when is my mind right ?😁…But each time I go I’ve been sent from pillar to post, seen one specialist after another, each department not knowing what to do for me…I don’t blame them I don’t know either😁, Yesterday I had to visit a musculoskeletal disorder specialist…I had trouble pronouncing it never mind anything else..but after a lifetime you tire of the endless doctors trips only leading to more disapointment, ….,

But I woke up early, one needs to you know, if your going to get a really good amount of anxiety steam up, add one icy cold shower, Two XXL coffees so strong you can hear my cup pleading for mercy two counties over, yup anxiety levels ✔, (I’m nothing if not professional you know folks,. On my bedside organiser sat a bright yellow post it note it glares at me constantly, just to remind me of the obvious(why do we call them that anyway?, Because we don’t actually do we…post it I mean, anyway theres the hastily scrawled words on one side, Cab booked for 10:40am Monday, least I had got it together enough to pre book it friday😁, minor miracle right there!. I sit doing my make up, the clocks hands seeming to spin round at a quick smart pace….why oh why does it do that, it’s not decent ?…

Without to much ado I’m ready and waiting for my cab, which turns up promptly at 10:40 am, I receive a text letting me know it’s sat outside, I like that!…stops me running back and forth to the window every minute checking, Ok it really doesn’t but it sounds good !…I clamber clumsily into the back, and immediately begin chatting the poor drivers ear off, we discuss anything from bulk buying shower Gels to the Biden crises in the USA, (well I do)…there’s got to be a link there somewhere im sure, oh one of those segue thingys,🙄, When ones fully locked and loaded, caffinated up nervous to boot, this mouth has no limits and a mind of its own, ..I hear Jesse sigh contentedly as his finally getting a well earned break, peace at last😁, im sure theres times he longs for my batteries to wear down….think energiser bunny on speed and you’ve got me🐇.

The journeys quick and quite unremarkable, And as the driver pulls up outside the doctors surgery, I happen to glance up at the flashing clock upon the dashboard, oh it’s only showing £10 that’s not so bad…until I look again and see it’s actually showing just a few more noughts…like in the region of £10,000, worth!!…now it was a nice journey and we could possibly argue it came with thrown in added counselling …but it was only ten minutes total, that’s a whopping £1,000 a minute…erm no, …my driver laughs nervously and apologises profusely…it’s not really that he says horrified look upon he’s face…Well thank goodness for that, I begin to feel my bank card tremble somewhere in my RAF wallet, I don’t posses a fraction of that…the driver looks back and tells me it is a more realistic £6, much better!!!phew…I had envisioned for a brief moment me washing their cars for the rest of my days.

After a brief visit with reception…I try talking at them but with a two inch sheet of thick glass and a phone glued to her ear it seemed from indication I was encouraged to take a seat…I spend half hour or so locating one as physically far away from my fellow waitees as possible (without taking one outside of course 😁…Having no immunity and being the local virus magnet is not a good combination…I finally hunt my chair down, it’s one of two right up against the waiting room wall…I can see the doors and the whole room from my vantage point…I get comfortable to do my favourite thing…people watching.

At first there’s just me and two others, they are contentedly staring down at their phones, necks cranned, (these are no fun!!!!), But I don’t have long to wait before a mother comes running in at some speed being dragged along by two young unwieldy children one in each hand, Mum herself only looks a few years older, damn I’m getting old 😁🙄, They sit not far from me, the boy tries to make instant contact…a cheeky shy smile then he’s back hiding…I find myself grinning back…can’t help it..the little girl whose adorable sits on mum’s lap, going in for the strangle hold about her neck…(I will call her Gertrude for the purposes of this missive) ..The boy we will call Tobias (oh yes I like it)….Anyway little Gertie since coming into the surgery has had her index finger quite firmly implanted up her left nostril..seriously it never left her nose once..mean while Tobias is already forming a very effective climbing frame in the centre of the room using chairs..it looks fun I’m tempted to ask could I play…when this stern warning glare, (enough to evaporate you into a pile of ash) from miss reception comes me way, a don’t you dare kind of look…I look away instantly before I’m turned to stone…Little Gertie finger still firmly encased, Is now off mums lap, (mum can finally take a breath now she’s not being strangled)…Gertie decides to read a nice leaflet about heart disease and erectile dysfunction…I’m not sure this is quite suitable reading for a two year old but kids are forward these days now right?!, Mothers now free to check out her phone…am I the only without a phone glued to my hand…hmmm, Gertie goes back for more information, have to give it to this girl she’s obviously more well read than most adults..maybe it’s the whole finger up the nose thing???…I look at my index finger closely, taking a sly look up under my fringe at reception dragon..(I mean lady)…she’s shaking her head in warning…damn she’s good!!!….

Fed up with his ever growing construction, Tobias is now turning his hand to plumbing…it seems the wall radiator needed some adjustments…not to be outdone his sister takes a break from reading about men’s plumbing to help her brother, heads together in a huddle, they are in close discussion, it looked serious there for a moment, maybe it’s curtains for the radiator😁…Tobias quits turning the knobs, and begins kicking it…havnt we all done this at some point….works with car tyres so why not?…Gertie tries the slapping it thoroughly approach and when that doesn’t work an ear splitting scream might!…not achieving their goal Tobias thinks it’s time for tools, grabbing plastic leaflet holders, leaflets nicely carpeting the floor now ….(seems we have part time jobs in interior design also, We begin soundly whacking the offending radiator to within an inch of its life….and I look on confounded, no one there is infact batting an eyelid…including Helga the reception dragon…I go to get up to visit the ladies and maybe join in with the percussion session…in an instant her head shoots up from the computer screen and looks my way, i sit back down quickly I,ll hold it I think….

Just before my name is called out, I see little Gertrude valiantly grappling with a walking frame, dragging it over to where Tobias is by now using mums umbrella to poke the radiator soundly…I don’t want to go in to see the doctor..I want to watch the next upcoming YouTube sensation on how to do radiator repairs at home…but I can’t Helga is looking my way again….so I follow the doctor in. Sighs….

Throughout my talk with the doctor, I hear the banging and crashing now re- commencing in full swing…the musculoskeletal ….oh bone doctor turns to me at this point and asks what is going on out there?, I look at her straight faced oh just some engineers repairing the radiator…she looks at me somewhat confused, I wasn’t about to tell her, would you?….We go on discussing an on going treatment plan for my EDS…she was lovely, very honest, admitting there really is nothing apart from physiotherapy long term…but I already knew that…I have however got to go for a bone scan at some point….oh for joy!. But I thanked her for her time, least someone was doing something…that’s a start…Maybe I should visit Gertie and Tobias,s clinic…I’m sure it’s only a matter of time….😁

As I walk back out both Gertie and her brother are running full tilt inbetween the chairs and patient’s alike, knocking over anything in their path….I worry for Gertie finger still, firmly lodged up her nose, what if she falls?, will her finger lodge up even further forever !!!!!, worse still break up there, doesn’t bear thinking about 😮😮😮😮😮😮,. But as I look back after walking through the automatic doors, I came across a theory(a light bulb moment if you will) maybe just maybe, little Gerties finger is in fact a USB cable, it’s her power source, She’s all plugged in💡💡💡💡….I look down at my finger again….I’m outside by now huh whatcha gonna do now!!!…Miss Helga Medussa Macangry face Dragon lady!!….I jump visibly as a loud rap comes upon the glass behind me…shes only seen me!!!!!….however it was in fact no more than wee Tobias getting my attention and waving an enthusiastic goodbye…..him and his little sister had made my day if they did but know it….. Anyway folks enough from me, I hope your all making the most of the warmer weather…enjoy while you can. It will probably be winter again next week😁 …take care of you 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Beautiful Deadly …Dear diary

I moved to my present locale around the Spring of 2022, The first few weeks were far from ideal, I had felt somewhat unsettled, if not homesick for the small rental bungalow that had been my previous cozy home,. After those initial first few days, I began to do my utmost to turn the cold stark white walled apartment into a place of warmth and welcome..not always so easy when you just long to run out of the door and never look back.. But i was out of options, this was it, and I had in truth been lucky to find it, (the rental market here being horrendous,) Never being one for looking on the downside too long, I began making the best of a bad situation…

One way I achieved this was to take short strolls each afternoon about the neighbourhood, never very far at first, for I needed to find my bearings, explore. Having little to Zero sense of direction, I took to noticing small landmarks, The tall green larchwood fencing with spiky Lily leaves poking through, a patch of sulphur yellow winter Jasmine, budding purple lilac with its heart shape leaves, the unruly sprawling plum tree at the end of the alleyway, hanging Bowers trailing across the path., Random patches of furry leaved wild violets fighting to see daylight between blades of grass…Each walk bought these tiny gifts for me to exclaim over excitedly, making Jesse look up suddenly from hes work😁…not only were they welcome distractions, but real focal points in the map I drew in my head, to locate home eventually…

About the third week in, (because yes it takes me that long to increase what small confidence I have,. I decided now to venture forth, outside my comfort zone a little, This day changed things most dramatically for me … I hadn’t walked more than about five minutes or so before coming across a large field, still recovering from long haul Covid, I didn’t chance walking all around it, just followed the well trod path across, from one side to the other.. There directly In front of me was a large thick hedgerow of thugish Hawthorne, sloe bushes, at their base, tall frothy white flowering cow parsley,. Walking through a gap between them, to my infinite delight there was yet another field, equally as big if not larger, . Down along the right edge, standing like so many guarding sentries grew tall shady trees …this was about to become not only important to me,but essential ….

As the weather improved, I found myself drawn more and more to the fields, it took some weeks of breathless practice to cover both on the same day, but with some determination and a lot of encouragement from Jesse, I finally managed..On rare occasions all in one go, more often than not though I would find a sheltered unseen spot, sit upon the grass, my back leant against an obliging tree, there to release my sore aching feet from the confines of shoes and socks, Childishly wiggling my toes in the cool grasses, letting the sun rest upon my face..listening to birds chattering high up in the trees, the buzzing bees, shutting out everything around me for a time, eyes closed, Jesse calls this my recharging my depleted batteries time..and it’s so very true…

It was as I walked regretfully home, slowly on one of these occasions, that something new caught my eye, not much escapes me😊, there at the base of a rather grand old Sycamore tree, nestling safely amongst its gnarly roots sat an unusual plant, One I had not remembered coming across before, it’s leaves a deep green, similar but at the same time slightly differing to an ivy leaf…for some reason it caught my eye, and I began looking out for it daily, Sure in my mind, it was a garden escapee, a wildling, self set, watching it’s steady progress, while all the time waiting for someone some eagle eyed gardener to come by and dig it up for themselves…Around a month later though these long cylindrical buds appeared giving it a rather exotic tropical appearance, I looked forward eagerly for the buds to unfurl..which to my delight didn’t take very long…

The following week one cream waxy trumpet like flower making a rather bold statement amongst its dark olive coloured leaves, I was equally amazed how it thrived in such an odd place, we were having a particularly hot dry summer, so it was without water, but there it stood flourishing….I admired it for its fortitude, looking stunning surrounded with its more native weed cousins… I was admiring it daily, but all the while one name kept reoccurring in my head, over and over, I wasn’t sure why at the time, so ignored it….

A year on…..

On one of my last walks, I looked for the hardy little plant, hoping it would make another welcome appearance this year…but I was to be sadly out of luck unfortunately, I wasn’t surprised thinking it had died over the bitter winter months here. … That was until weeding a patch of garden earlier this year alongside of my apartment, there up against a neighbours fence in the shade, grew a rather weedy specimen of that self same plant…I pulled the mass of strangling bind weed, thrip, and grasses from about its roots, hoping in doing it would be free to grow stronger, which over time it in fact has, now standing an impressive bushy shrubby three feet, covered in a mass of musky scented cream trumpets…an exotic vision of loveliness in this cool damp grey summer, its vast contrast a beauty to behold one I’ve enjoyed seeing on my way to hang the laundry out..bringing me cheer to the dullest day, I talk to it in passing, Jesse has grown quite accustomed to this very British eccentricity 😊, I oft can be found talking to the local bees, the impressive gang of pigeons hanging about on the roof😁😁😁😁…Yesterday though I decided to introduce Jesse to my plant friend, holding the phone up close and personal so he could also admire it beauty for himself…

Before going about checking my own arrangement of planted up tubs for stray weeds, within a few minutes I began scratching at an area on my right arm, it didn’t take long for three inch long raised angry criss cross welts to appear, these not only irritated but felt sore simultaneously…I found myself scratching at the area unconsciously for the next hour or so…until the itch became increasingly unbearable… later on that afternoon my throat grew hot and scratchy, my nose feeling stuffy, thinking it was just the beginnings of a summer cold I carried about my days tasks, Making my bread, vacuuming throughout while it proved(it rose spectacularly by the way, pushing off the pots lid later😊) , Still having some time until I had to bake the lovely Artisan bread, I felt the almost sudden need to lie down.. gripped with an overwhelming tiredness, it’s was like someone had pulled my power cord😁, I was totally floored…My head now began aching, my chest growing tight, but still exhausted I dozed in and out of a restless sleep…when I woke up I scratched away at the by now even bigger angry welts,

In fact my whole arm felt hot, itching not only topical but the only way to describe it, is as if the flesh under my skin was crawling with bugs…and or eww Aliens ready to burst forth and zap my mind!!!, Calm down Theresa first they would have to locate it, where’s Sigourney weaver when yah need her…. 👽. Touching any area on the whole arm made it itch terribly, it was all I could do not to tear the skin from my arm..I slathered it hourly in cream, even this set off another bout of clawing at the arm..by nine o’clock that evening I locked the door, turned off the lights giving up all pretence of being active, I lay upon my bed feeling pretty darn miserable, I have to say, the cold and flu symptoms increasing by the hour, there were bouts of chills only to turn into fever the second I covered myself, I felt stiff, my heart raced intermittently…when I stood up my head swam like some guilty sixteen year old raiding the parents drinks cabinet😁 ….but thinking it was still a cold I settled in for a rather long drawn out night….

Around midnight I glooped up my arm again in the white gunky but cooling Sudacrem, there to note not only was my arm very stiff and hot, but the welts were now very impressive looking water blisters…Touching them even, however slightly induced another round of endless scratching, so I dragged myself still semi conscious into the sitting room, thats where I keep my medical drawer…filled with none other than,, torture devices aka, medical stuff😁, I’m nothing if not practical…you learn to be when your an accident prone, allergy sufferer, likely to wound ones self at any given moment…Any how I digress,.. stop it Theresa!!!!, No I’m the boss of it and I can ramble on if I want to…do I want to? Mostly yes 😁, … But after a spell of pulling the once neatly organised drawer apart, carelessly tossing things across the room as I went.., Until I came across a rather sticky odd lone Jakeman cough sweet, (a treasure indeed), plus a crepe bandage..logically in my sleep deprived mind, if I covered up my arm, cutting of its circulation…no no I mean the air flow😁, yes the air that’s it, this in turn would reduce the blooming insane amount of itching right? Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Only now I couldn’t scratch though oh well😊.

Sleep even as tired as I felt didn’t happen, first the chills, then cold sweats…I was drinking water like a woman walking through the Sahara desert…hell I felt like it too come to that., attempting to watch a series on Prime was no more successful, as I lay awake I tried somewhat in vain to remember the name, the same one that had gone on in my head for weeks previously, Only for it to mysteriously vanish..it was Latin sounding…what was that thing!!!…?…then finally I remembered, … And while it was still fresh in my mind, I googled the name…Datura!!!!….

Deadly darling Datura…😊

This is what information Google gave me…Datura is a genus of nine species of highly poisonous vespertine-flowering plants, belonging to the nightshade family(Solanaceae) …they are more commonly known as thornapples or Jimsonweeds, can also go by Devils trumpet or mad apples….other names are equally delightful like moonflower, devils weed, and hells bells…All species are extremely poisonous, can cause respiratory problems, arrhythmia, fevers, delirium, hallucinations, psychosis and or death…..oh good!!!!!!!😮

This is I might add normally if ingested though, so I was fine right?….but the post script went on to say in very small print at the end.., some more sensitive people can be allergic to its touch….oh the joy..that will be me then.sighs…That dear sweet Angelic looking plant had attacked me most viciously without rhyme or reason….not only is it stunningly beautiful, it left behind a forever impression on both skin and mind,…the water blisters now each have large red dots in them, also surrounded by round circular red rings…although I don’t feel as bad as I did Tuesday evening/night, I am however still feverish off and on…still fighting the cold and flu like symptoms…the itchiness has somewhat abated but the area is still hot and tender…as a warning folks these plants can and do grow anywhere, they are extremely beautiful, smell glorious…just don’t shove your nose too close uhuh!!!🙄😁, They can and are poisonous to animals, including the larger ones like cattle and horses…death follows within hours if eaten and there’s no known anti toxin, ….if your curious as to what it looks like Google the Datura plant for yourselves, theres plenty of interesting information available, plus YouTube videos ect…and please one more thing before I go scratch, please please please keep the little folks and dogs away from them if you can .you know how curious both are … What adds insult to injury here.., I now have the unenviable task of laying waste to the plant I had previously only ever admired, instead of talking softly to it as I once had, I now hurl insults freely it’s way, hoping it will take the hint wither and die, but alas it’s defiant to the last …Evil plant, !!!, Devils Doer!!!!, Devils strumpet, Thorny ball snitch!!!, Delilahs stink rash!!!😁😁😁😁, ..I heard my neighbour cough delicately from the other side of the fence earlier this plants got to go, it’s moving out, moving on…nothing but trouble….ok well enough from me folks have a good weekend all, stay safe, stay well and most of all steer clear of the Deadly Datura…🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

Dear Wartime Diary…

Well this is fun..The rain started at some point during the night and hasn’t realised it can stop anytime now if it wanted to, obviously hasn’t got the message yet…, Most of England woke up to a generous covering of thick silvery grey blanket cloud, It was so dark here even at 8am I had to turn on big light….😁, main light for those posher folks amongst us, it’s one of those days if I’m honest i could either spend it curled up under a blanket sleeping for hours listening to the slow rhythmic patter of rain hitting the window pane, or drink coffee cheerfully making my way through an entire cake, alas living my wartime ration/frugal lifestyle cake is out…So coffee it is then…my heads abuzz with ideas today or is that just caffeine….unsure which yet but i,’ll take it…

The cookie monster within

In the kitchen looking all freshly baked seductive and stuff is a small tray of chocolate cookies lovingly baked by my own hands,,, my only quandary now for the day is ..One of trying to eek them out, making them last a few days or eat them up quick before they go all soft and chewy…no one wants something soft, when it’s not meant to be do we?😏, just a disappointment all round really…Sunday’s batch lasted all of two days…I tried honest but I’m a weak woman, never put temptation in a woman’s path.🙄.

Yesterdays left overs are being made into a kind of strange hot pot type meal… The main ingredients being a combination of Minced beef, black lentils, leek, carrot, tinned tomatoes, herbs, salt and black pepper, ..I’ve taken some of the meat mixture, covered it in herby thin sliced potato and shoved(placing) this in the oven for 30 minutes or until a crisp golden colour,.After this portion there should be enough to make two hearty meals if I’m careful, (big if)🙄😊😊😊😊, Tonight’s I will serve with extra veggies to make it go that bit further, …by adding cheap tinned lentils you can stretch out really any meat a bit further..according to the one book I have, A weeks Rations by Karen Wiles, either oats, lentils or breadcrumbs were commonly used to make any meat that could be sourced stretch ….woman queued for hours daily often just to come away with a rather bedraggled cheap cut of meat, and that’s if they were lucky, (I’ve been reading how woman often sought out the longest queues, outside a shop cleverly knowing these had the best chance of getting something worthwhile for that evenings meal, their poor feet, the lines were huge often as not going down the street… Mostly by the time one got to the front everything had already gone…

Slippery Saturday…

Saturday I woke up early….(insert screeching brakes sounds here, I actually didn’t really sleep in the truest sense of the word, making do with a cat nap for the odd ten minutes, finally giving up around 4:30am. by five I was showered ready to do my first load of laundry for the day, Wanting it done quickly before it realised it hadn’t rained for at least hour now. A light load was first as a had a particularly stained t shirt I wanted to tackle, tomato sauce is a devil right?…I sprayed it liberally with a mixture of alcohol, dish soap and water, rubbing it into the affected area vigorously…before digging out my stash of soda crystals, hidden under the sink for my back up plan…(this is one of those times im unsure whether ive mentioned this in the past or not?, But as I pushed in deeply the handy plastic spoon, kept solely for measuring out purposes ..My treacherous arm decided that was to be the exact moment to go into spasm, sending a lovely arc of glistening soda crystals into the air, before they showered down scattering the length and breadth of the kitchen floor…never mind rain!!🙄, it’s in fact now snowing, …(Spasms being common with EDS, always but always when most inconvenient, like with a spoon of coffee, flour, sugar…not to mention glue don’t ask 😊…sighs..

I manage to clear up most with a damp microfibre cloth before pushing the now covered cloth into the washing machine with the still soaking stained t shirt, determined if nothing else that the soda crystals were not going to go to waste, I set the machine off before starting to clean the kitchen counter tops, that were also dusted in white 😊,Still angry and checking where I put my feet, the very next thing I was aware in fact aware of, were my legs going in two separate directions like demented scissors, Trying desperately to react quick enough to stay upright, all the while clutching at the door frame, my legs slipping and sliding across the glass like floor surfice… despite my best efforts and at least not falling over completely thank goodness, I did however twist my knee cap quite badly, feeling the knee sublux as my left leg twisted back to front horribly, .I righted myself somewhat easily enough, but not before the damage was it seems already done…it was the knee I had just spent months trying to get to heal…when I looked down at the floor, it had become a veritable ice rink, thanks very much to the aid of a damp cloth and Soda crystals…although sore after some strong language and manipulation I manoeuvered the kneecap somewhere near to the right place..held there mainly by masses of kinetic tape and sheer determination for the rest of the day😊.

It’s still moving about, swollen and hot, but living alone means things most still get done..I baked cookies…yes of course that’s essential work!! A woman needs biscuits at a time like this😊, I watered my garden also, I can’t let weeks of hard work go to waste…my tomato plants are looking far too good to neglect…besides it will all be worth in a few weeks when I’m eating tomatoes still warm from the sun…but later on I decided to lay down and rest my leg with an ice pack strapped on firmly, all the while cheering myself up with research for new recipes I could find online, they are few and far between but my notepad is looking fuller…

I have still narrowly avoided assauging my frustrations and boredom with the lure of “The Zon” (Amazon)isn’t always easy though I must admit, especially when a low hits unexpectedly, but each time I’ve found myself drawn to the dark side by promises of sales, or you might like popping up on my face book, I put down my tablet and listen to music or read…I also carry on with WW2 research, history being that huge draw for me…learning the somewhat shocking statistic of losses of over 60,000.. I thought I knew about the blitz and the terrible loss, but reading that bought it all home..I think my family must have been extremely lucky because despite living in a dock area, my mother never mentioned losing anyone in our immediate rather large extended family on either side…mother and father originally living next door to one another while growing up…anyway enough of my Gas bagging, I’ve washing up to get done, a kitchen to straighten up before lights out…least I’m not living in black, with an ARP warden knocking at my door for neglected chinks of light escaping…😊, take care all, and look after one another…ps…exciting news being on my WW2 rations, I’ve already lost 10lb…that’s in a week..I’ve eaten home made cake, biscuits and bread most days…lot to be said for rations😁.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Dear Wartime Diary …

Around this time last year, life looked so very different, I had been working hard upon a budget system to put away small amounts monthly, plus living a fairly frugal lifestyle…Then that of course was indeed last year!😁.. With the advent of Christmas 2023 came endless plinky plonky Christmas tunes in shops, the glittery promise of perfect gift buying,. My spending quite literally becoming well and truly out of control,.You always promise yourself, don’t you that at any time you could rein it in, stop it even!… But as I stood in the middle of yet another beautifully decorated store, I knew then it was already hopeless, I looked on as my budgeting slowly but surely drifted off course, and I have to confess some months on, I am still to this day struggling to get to grips with this. Having seen the benefits for myself of my far healthier bank balance, I am, how should we say this politely, more than a little peeved. Actually darn right furious if not disappointed in myself…I let me down

I fell head long once again into the hungry mouth of the retail trap…the same one designed not only to make a fool and her money easily parted..but irreconcilably so, even divorced!!!, I would love to say I didn’t see it coming…but of course I did!!!This only makes matters worse, I was far too angry with myself to talk about it until now..talk about gullible..At its height there wouldnt be a single day, sometimes hour even, when I wasn’t scouring “The Zon”(Amazon) looking at page after page, until product blind I moved on, (it’s something akin to snow blindness only with, well products basically😊….I searched for that latest must have item,(you know the one people, that secret weakness you oooooo and ahhhhhh over, the next shiny thing I couldn’t live a second longer without, another totally useless item that would plug the gaping holes in my life, cement over the chasm sized cracks, make me complete… Much like the relentless dieter who kids themselves, losing weight will make life that bit more perfect!… There I was searching for a lost cause…there’s nothing I can buy retail wise that will breach the growing divide, or complete me…I know this already …I’ve always known it…but all the while I shop my minds distracted momentarily from the empty void deep within, the constant nagging doubt, my fears…loneliness, a balm for what really ails me….

And the retail business knows this…it’s like this massive gaping hungry mouth we are programmed to feed…the more we feed it the hungrier it becomes…we are in effect brain washed daily into buying ever more must have products,. then once that shoppers after glo passes, the euphoria has been and gone, that my friends is when the real fun starts…because of course not only do you buy “the wonderful product “, but then you need the products to go with “the original product✨”😁…it becomes relentless…take a mobile phone for example…You know that one you paid a fortune for, with its latest upgrades, brand spanking new technology….Well then of course your going to need a charger or three…( Have you noticed how easy those things break,?), oh and then there’s the blue tooth ear buds, pluggy in ear buds, phone stands, phone cases, protective screens, let’s not forget the obligatory power bank….I know all too well because, idiot that I am I’m sat looking at all these things right now and so much more!!!!!!!.

What’s more you cannot avoid the ever growing hungry retail machine…Face book, Tiktok, Prime, Netflix, magazines, Cinema’s, billboards and so on, yadda yadda yadda, don’t get me started on influencers, people that look just like us, subtly sending earworm messages all the while selling you product after product,(you trust them because they look like Joe down the road, it’s so clever ughhhh… everywhere you go its in your face, there’s no escape folks, you no sooner buy something than it’s there convincing you, that there’s more to be had, so very much more you need!!!! …

Monday afternoon a set of six small attractive tin containers arrived, yes they are very pretty, but to what end?…their too small to be of any real practical use, standing at just under two inches in all their prettiness,.. After I had unwrapped them from the mountain of cardboard, That heart wrenching anti climax set in within seconds…duped again!!!, another thing to look at for a few days, then to be shoved in a dark drawer never to see the light of day, months later given away…after some reflection they did have one use…One I’m hoping if not permanent at least semi…or long enough for my finances to recover somewhat..They served to show me that curbing my spending is imperative …So to this effect I’ve gone cold Turkey, yes again!!!.. If you’ve ever done this you will have some idea just how hard this is… No less than five times today…yes five!, I’ve found myself unconsciously going to visit “The Zon”… I had to use all the same tools, Ive used for anxiety attacks..(distraction being the main one), I’m not sure this will be sufficient in the long term, but for the present it’s working …I’m only on day 6….just day 6, trying hard not to crash and burn. If you don’t believe this is a very real addiction, try going a week without buying anything….apart from food shopping, and I’m talking about walking away from that on offer scented candle, book by your favourite author, fluffy socks, or Gift for great aunt Delilah…she can live without it I promise …

Alongside “The Zon” detox, I’m back on a tight food budget, This week I’ve really cut it back, to half the normal limit, it’s a deliberate move in hope of proving to myself I can infact cope on little and still eat healthily …The biggest problem I have is the danger of boredom building up…as you may or may not know, I’m virtually housebound,and have been for some months, due to a knee injury. Up until fairly recently I’ve used my love of reading to see me through the worst, hoping to beat last year’s record of reading a whopping 100 books, …But that’s taken a knockback..not now being able to search Amazon for my next book…(kindle books being cheap and all too readily available),. I am also a member of an online library, which helps but the selections are somewhat limited. ….So my budget firmly fixed in place, I’ve found myself a pet project to focus my attentions on, …wait for it!!!! World war 2 recipes…not only recipes though, I’m reading about what life entailed, surviving the blitz, what real people just like my grandmother, mother, aunts and uncles went through..and of course the dreaded Rationing..

While reading and researching this emotive subject, I’m going to try living on rations myself where possible, recreating as many of the recipes as I can find online, all the while sticking to my budget of course, Without the buying any books 😁😁😁… this is the doozy right there, I have found a few recipes to begin with, setting me on my path..One I have already taken to my heart, loving sweet treats ..It’s a recipe for Carrot cookies…keeping in mind both sugar and butter are strictly limited…but even with this they are utterly delicious…Here’s the recipe. 6 tbl spoons of all purpose flour, 4 tbl spoons of grated carrot, 1 tbl of soft butter or margarine, 1 tbl of sugar or honey, 1 tbl spoon of baking powder, vanilla extract if you have it ….mix the sugar and butter together until they form a pale lemon colour, add the flour now, the carrot, baking powder …if you have any dates, dried fruit in store, add a couple of spoonfuls here, I have also used dried ginger as I didn’t possess vanilla extract in my store cupboard and didn’t want to cheat😁😁😁😁, but the ginger gave them a real warmth and zing….bake for twenty minutes or until golden…these cookies are simply morish and nope you don’t taste that added carrot…it tastes if anything like coconut😊, so weird but true!…

I of course will never get a true understanding of the hardships faced, the endless bombing, living in fear constantly, that’s not what this is about for me, I love reading and learning about our history, and maybe living this one tiny part, will if anything get me through my own rationing😁..working towards reprogramming my spending, also learn to make do and mend…I cannot unfortunately do the whole dig for victory thing, (a huge Government incentive of the time to get people growing fruit and vegetables in their own gardens…I don’t have one, well not to speak of anyhow…But in my small front garden, growing right now I do have a thriving celery plant, three tomatoes, and several herbs…I’ve also been hanging out my laundry for months now…hand washing clothes where the weather co operates😊, even bought out of moth balls my old carpet sweeper…all I need is some hair curlers, a head scarf , cross over apron like my grandmother’s and 1940s here I come….ewwww where’s me red lippy and beetroot juice for blusher rofl, I will also weigh myself at both the beginning and end of the experience to check for weight loss or indeed if the cookies are anything to go by gain🙄….Anyhow it all starts here folks, one day at a time…If any of you have any 1940s recipes I can make use of drop me a line of three, I would be most grateful…wish me luck folks…until next time look after yourselves….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪,

On the run…

April 2018…

This April unknown to me at the time was about to bring about massive changes in my life, April seems to do that for me😁…not just because its the month of my birth, but when things align, planets shift, warmth begins to permeate the earth and its that wondrous time of rebirth, growth, that’s when I feel the greatest need to grow along with it….that year was to be no exception!..

The long walk…

For more years than I could ever remember I had been deeply unhappy, although unhappy really doesn’t begin to address it, At one point in time I would liken it to a kind of living death, a feeling of pure nothingness, all the while feeling everything, on sensory overload, if asked the cause?, at that particular time, situation I was so involved living it i could never have answered you…because I couldn’t comprehend it myself,. Until life threw me a massive lifeline… And I grasped it with both hands, feeling myself pulled from the depth of life’s wreckage, Surviving 30 years of severe Agoraphobia, anxiety, trauma, and Ptsd I was about to do one of the bravest or most foolish things in life… Whichever i will never know to this day, but I left my then home, leaving behind everything I knew ..I wasn’t to be aware at the time of walking out that door, closing it firmly behind me that that evening, as it clicked shut I was never going to be going back..in fact I didn’t know what I was about in all honesty..I was just putting one unsure foot in front of the other..I had cut all lifelines,ties, freefalling with just two small bags of clothes, virtually no money and more importantly no plan to speak of, I had cast myself adrift without a destination..I’m not permitted to expound on this or go into further explanation..litigious consequences hold my tongue bound..but suffice it to say, this was one of the hardest things I’ve done to date,

I’ve since moved around no less than five times over the years, why so many?..because my past has caught up with me before now..For six whole months I lived in complete terror..hiding behind locked doors, curtains pulled shut living in darkness both day and night…doors bolting firmly..imprisoned while committing no crime.. When and if I ventured out I became hyper aware, on constant look out..I felt hunted …even sleeping felt a dangerous pastime because of obvious vulnerability…it was like little old me against the world…and me and authority are not good bed fellows, it terrifies me…

Six years on and If anything im more unsettled, ever vigilant for the monster that may lurk around the next corner..I cannot relay to another living soul, the lasting effects of how this feels..each night as I bolt myself away before the sun has even gone down, leaving on random lights, checking and then rechecking the door is indeed locked…I don’t even trust myself anymore, I’ve been let down that much…but I’ve grown to expect that long since..looking for it even…but do you know what’s worse…far worse infact..?

Living in constant silence….

Over the years I’ve held my breath watching and waiting for a change to come, no matter how miniscule..but while I live my life on permanent pause..things go on just the same, those in power, the Government, MPs both male and female alike make all the right noises…Each party promising greater things, they have no intention of fulfilling…Each lie falling easily from their lips, no one to hold them accountable, certainly not the likes of someone like me….and for someone who detests dishonesty as much as I do, I look on with ever increasing frustration, while these people make life changing decisions for all our lives…Some even life and death..our health service hitting newer lows ..,while on this subject have you tried seeing a GP lately?, Seeing mine is like trying to win the lottery…I can’t count the times I’m asked are I working by doctors?no!!!!oh well take over the counter pain meds and keep everything crossed you survive…(what in the world of pain does working have to do with anything?…. It seems being disabled also silences one, even decides if your entitled to basic care…I’ve outlived my usage these days, never mind I worked for years paid into the health system, taxes..supported my family who also now work… Even work horses get put out to pasture and veterinary care….

Now here’s where I get to my point, on the 4th July while the rest of the country over 18 gets the right to vote…I like the rest of my silent minority will go without a voice even here, I cannot even choose the next party who will spout a golden promise only to break it the next day, …to seduce a whole nation with silken words, Vote in the vain hopes that one MP will differ, will call a halt, make that stand for minorities, re-address the balance …. And Why can I not vote? because I like others are not on any electoral roll… No that’s not my fault then!…Because did you know that for the poultry sum of 50p?…fifty of our copper pennies..anyone, anywhere can have access to the electoral roll, trace you…Scary thought huh?…imagine if this puts you at real risk?…I fully comprehend that some need access..police for instance..but surely if they need warrants to enter your home..then this should also be a the case for private details, Our address..I can’t see where anyone else needs to be privy to our details…there’s thousands of us being put in peril daily because we are encouraged to enlist… And what do our illustrious MPs do about this basic right?…you’ve guessed it nothing!!!!!., Because as individuals we don’t count, they divide us, man against woman, colour or creed…and while these divisions grow ever wider they grow stronger, prosper even, thinking us lacking the very education to comprehend, I may struggle while you try blinding me with science, but I see…we all see, We see a nation you divide with use of media, Tv, papers, even social media..then look down your noses as the anger you stirred up grows…For those of you with the power to vote..I urge you to use that voice and do so..And keep using your voices until we are all heard as one…I rarely speak of political matters mainly through apathy, having seen so many broken promises, But I live on in hopes this year may just be different…good luck everyone on Thursday…look after yourselves and each other until next time…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Nigel the Torturer…

Wednesday …

The first two weeks of June here weather, has if anything been less than flaming!!!(it’s a Brit thing folks). In fact as my dear old mum would have said in this situation “it was an absolute washout!” and she would have been right… (As you know British folk just love a good old fashioned moan about anything, We like most excessively to moan about the weather!!!…And this summer everyones had some cause…it had rained almost consistently for over two weeks, those rare intervals when it didn’t rain quite so much, The skies remained a nice shade of uniform Grey, with assorted temperatures all well below average..So not only now did we have plenty of weather to discuss…there was the added bonus question going around, did one break down and put the heating on?,(“for it’s June they all vociferated!!! “) I know quite a lot did in the end, it and hang that the consequences…I on the other hand shivered, it’s cheaper and supposed to burn those calories not sure I’m seeing the evidence though…maybe that’s the KitKats huh?….

But if I’m honest and this won’t be one of the most popular opinions..I was actually quite enjoying the cooler spells of weather, during the day I could comfortably get things achieved without breaking into a sweat, then theres living on the ground floor meaning you can’t keep your windows open at night, lower temps meant I was actually sleeping somewhat….Wednesday I was due to go on one of my rare jaunts, well it wasn’t exactly a jaunt per se …more like Debbie forcing me out the door and locking it firmly behind me, then hiding my keys down the bottom of my bag…Wednesday also decided that it would wait until we were driving along chatting merrily and oh by the way…here’s summer!!!!!, And it was just like that…from cold to baking your ass off in 60 seconds….don’t you just love Britain….?😁.

I had been booked in for an appointment at a physio by my GP, It’s not the first and I’m sure not the last either,. I admit I never look forward eagerly to these occasions…if anything It felt more like Debbie was going to suddenly produce a blindfold from out of her handbag before marching me off to greet the local hangman at the gallows….not that I’m implying Debbie has such a thing as a blindfold hidden in the depths of her bag or we have a local hangman…not sure what thought is more intriguing actually? 😁😁😁😁😁.

Debbie uses bribery shamelessly in the end, tantalizingly dangling a visit to the garden centre if I behave, I do try!!! …Sulking and scuffing my feet I agreed…The appointment was a drive of just over ten minutes, the sun by now at full beam ahead, Gas mark 250 for 30minutes or until bright red and fractious whichever comes first… I had gone to great lengths before leaving that day, to shower, deodorize, and spritz liberally in clouds of perfume, wanting to create a good first impression….I had even dug out my shaver the night previous from beneath the draw clutter to weed wack my legs, it was either that or do it in dreads…coulda worked😁, But all my ministrations were to no avail in the end, ten minutes sat in the airfryer Mobil and I was done to crisp.

By the time we arrive in the small car park Neither myself or Debbie could wait to vacate the rapidly heating car, we are equally grateful to step into darkened waiting room, where it’s cool and almost empty,. We don’t wait long either, by the time Jesse has bellowed at Alexa to stop!!!! For the third time in phone land..causing a few strange glances our way, a door opens off somewhere to the side, and a man materialises from the gloom, I think he’s calling my name, I’m unsure so go with him to be on the safe side😁, I don’t normally follow strangers about honestly…once we had established he was indeed my physio, the introduction begin..I think he said his name was Neville, Norris or Nigel or something beginning with N anyhow probably none of the above, the poor guy had allergies and sounded very bunged up so difficult to make out….

I was asked to do the usual gymnastics, ….what’s that can I sit up and beg?…do you have treats then I look up suddenly all hopeful????…ohhhh you mean can I stand on one leg?….erm depends..actually no!!! Not if you want me to remain upright, . Can wretch up?….yeahhhh I say somewhat dubiously but id rather not right now if it’s all the same….ohhhhh reach up..you me reach up…no being only 5″ 2 reaching anything taller than me isn’t gonna happen…..he sighs,,, then asks me to lay on the couch…which I do. That tissue stuff never stays put does it..as I ungainly clamber up, the tissue thing moves to the side pulling the whole roll down onto the floor…I can see he’s not amused and bends to retrieve it from under the couch …”oh well done” I exclaim impressed at once !!! “No problem there then”….he looks down at me somewhat impatiently.. “this is not about me”!….”well no but credit where it’s due though”…I get the side eye for my troubles.. So hush instantly.

He then flexes his fingers and says is it ok if I check out the Bees…I thought this a bit odd I must admit…but being a champion of our great British Bees in all for it!, I’m getting ready to clamber off the couch to go with him to hopefully see where their keeping the Bees, when a hand grabs my arm…Stay put he mouths loudly drawing out each word slowly….I think awww he is bunged up his having difficulty hearing me….so speak louder….Ok DOCTOR Nnnnnnnn!!!….doctor!… He shakes his head makes a grab for me knee and begins squeezing it…pushing the kneecap over to the left as far as it will go….I’m still trying to find it since…Does this hurt????, No DOCTOR!!!!!, What about this he asks shoving my knee over to the right… Bloody Bugger I shoot up in the air…..oh that hurt us does it?, Well I dunno I mumble under my breath thinking he can’t hear…Your turn doctor let me have a go with your knee and we will find out….he laughs suddenly making me jump…poop!! he can hear me after all….

Things become more at ease after that, the ice now well and truly broken, more importantly though myself and Doctor Nigel,Norris, Norbert,Neville make ourselves understood finally,….I was put through my paces some more…I yell BYE DOCTOR!!! before leaving coming away with a list of exercises im to do daily, just when I thought I had escaped the dreaded P.E!!!…

Later on that same night with my knee ballooned up, my back feeling like it was about to break and I could barely move…I will call that a resounding success then..😁, a trip to the garden centre, then home sweet home, pain killers, coffee as i commiserate with myself with large slice of cake, and finishing of my latest read…let’s hope that’s the end to it…think I’m banned from that surgery for some reason….you all take care folks and enjoy your weekend ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Together in electric dreams…

I didn’t realise until trying explained mine and Jesse’s set up for the billionth time to yet another somewhat curious bystander, Just how strange or otherworldly it must seem to anyone other than ourselves, and thats only because we are here living it, to us it’s the most natural thing in the world, like morning following night, breathing,making coffee or eating a slice of cake😊.

I suppose if I were that bystander looking from the outside, it may well just seem peculiar to me also, darn right its odd, but it’s our odd.. So Let’s start at the very beginning for those tuning in for the first time, (those in the know please bear with, perhaps go get a coffee and a nice slice of cake😁)…if your still here? , sitting comfortably then I shall begin ?😁,. Back in the Autumn of 2017 children, this being before the great plague (aka Covid, which in it’s turn gave rise to toilet paper-gate., ..Around this time I had been volunteering as an admin for an Agoraphobia self help group, I was making some new friends with several of my fellow admin, bonding closely over our common goal to help other sufferers ..Having them at my back not only helped my own confidence to grow over the months, but was encouraging me to cross boundaries, face fears and seek further person growth.. One of these friends I wasn’t to know at that time would grow into so very much more…Jesse..

Later that same year as both of us were to face some horrendous changes, On one night in particular things had became ever increasingly emotional for me to the point I was just holding on minute by minute, it was all I could manage, Jesse reached out with a welcome hand to hold as I sat very alone in the darkness…the upshot being, he was of course over the pond in America, I was here in the UK, with each text sent dividing miles melted away, Using messenger, text upon text flew back and forth throughout the night..neither of us could ever have known then how our lives were about to go through yet another momentous change, how could we…looking back I suppose if you take two lost, lonely hurting souls and give them enough time in each other’s company…they will grow enough love to fill the void that life can create …and we did.

Eventually texting was to prove not enough for either of us, it was around this time also I managed after much deliberation,determination and effort, to climb a mountain..(my very own personal Mount Everest😊, No mean feat for someone with thirty odd years of severe Agoraphobia under their belt, rarely if ever leaving my home, let alone fly to different countries…letting love be my guide and inspiration I found the courage needed and was about to do something so huge that I still find it incredulous to believe that person was little old me😁…that same person took three flights, (one being very turbulent) surviving airplane food, battling over crowded airports, border control, no phone signal..getting lost twice, I’ve still no sense of direction😁.. But I finally met up with Jesse…We had three whole months of bliss..it was never going to be enough of course, but it was something to build a future on, we knew without any doubt, this was no quick fling, flash in the pan…Our feelings if anything had grown immensely. For myself, on my part, I knew there would be no going back from this new world we had built about ourselves, our glorious bubble… My American man held up my stage coach and robbed me of my heart.. Being more calamity Jane, than Lily langtree i was more than happy to ride off into the sunset with him….

I of course had to return home after the three months when my temporary visa run out, I hated it…walking away from Jesse in the airport was one of the toughest things I’ve ever done..tougher than beating breast Cancer, combating Agoraphobia, EDS, Depression…there’s nothing I can compare it too if I’m honest, I’ve never felt anything on that pain scale before or magnitude…while back on home ground although we were as close as ever, I felt myself go into a sharp decline..the panic attacks were back, I had several frightening Angina episodes …my heart was literally breaking….we talked it over..researched till blue in the face about how quickly I could return..it seemed there was no limit I could go straight back…I raised the ticket fare, packed up my then home and set off to the airport..that was the easy part….from there it all went horribly wrong…

Due to a mix up with my Visa at border control at Detroit no only could I get no further, I was sent home on the very next flight…the problem with my Visa still hasn’t been put right…it was through no fault of mine or Jesse’s just one of those things….

Six years on an here’s where our story has left off…it all seems so hard to explain…there is none I guess, except being apart was none negotiable, not happening…so how could we be together.. With miles of ocean keeping us apart…Messenger….We fell into this 24/7 crazy hectic lifestyle quite by accident, it’s not what we want, it’s not ideal…but it’s what we have, it’s all we have..

We have had many over the years doubting our story, “surely you go off sometimes”?…quick answer here no never., “What about at night they ask’? “What about it I reply”..”you must turn it off while you sleep”?….I look puzzled back at them Why?????, In six years we have been together 24 hours of every day….if I go out, Jesse comes along for the ride in phone land, if he goes anywhere I do likewise…whether work or social…both close friends and family are used to us now, always looking for the phone we they see us…

It has reached a point where we can both be in a deep sleep, our phones become disconnected for whatever reason…I will wake up almost instantaneously, seeing the screens black and even before fully conscious I’m hitting the call back button😁…stranger still Jesse answers without ever fully waking up himself…we may mumble out the words “I love you” before falling straight back into oblivion…We may also just go straight into tractor engine snore mode😁…both finding the sounds of the other sleeping soothing… What helps also is Jesse’s rock band era left him slightly deaf…My snoring being used to test sound proofing here abouts😁😁😁😁😁….

We cook together, do laundry, clean house, play music, stream the same tv, even sinking the sound up…we are cool😁😁😁😁😁, as I have said of course this is not ideal, and I would give up the rest of my days quite literally for one last 24 hours in the same room as Jesse, despite this unique closeness, there are very real times i feel so alone, especially in times of trouble..because he can’t be there to hold me…there’s also the times he’s been ill, it’s wretched to witness someone you love sick and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to help..I hate these times most of all I think. I know he says the same, hes seen me through Covid on three occasions now, even apart I know I couldn’t have got through without him…

I know some reading this would ask the dreaded question…why put yourselves through this?…I can only answer for me of course…but the thought of being apart even for one moment is hell on earth, we did in our early days before meeting up, try going our separate ways… if I tell you I thought I was going to die, my heart cease to beat…it’s no exaggeration..I cannot think of a life without us in it….it’s always us..not me..not Jesse ..just us…On one of our very last nights, while Jesse and I lay together in the dark we said some vows to one another simple words of love, hands clasped tightly, eyes locked, but those words made of love were as binding as any agreement in church, if not more so…So we call each other husband and wife,

Clinging to the hope that one day, just one day we can make it official…tear away these miles that keep us so cruelly apart and finally spend the rest of our days together…we will fight on until that moment…Taking on the powers that be, governments, authorities who don’t understand our need to be together, for whom love is just a fancy, words…worthless…not the way of life we have come to know it to be….

So here we are back where we started, as I write, Jesse is working away, as my day draws to it’s close, his is still going strong…even time, miles, nothing gets in our way….24/7 togetherness I know wouldn’t be for everyone, but we are not thank goodness everyone, as you read this, we have laughed at our stupid jokes, shared a meal, showered, sat outside in respective gardens, slept in each other sight, looked into each other’s eyes many times and said I love you…the one thing that scares me most about this whole damn thing is the what if????….even thinking this sends a physical pain burrowing deep into my chest…the raw emotion threatens to stop my next breathe, but the questions real, hanging over us like a boulder threatening to drop any time…what if either of us should leave this mortal coil before we get to hold each other again….???, There Ive said it…what’s more upsetting in a world full of anger and violence, where wars rage, and deaths so very real…Love has little meaning to the powers that be,it cannot be exchanged for the almighty dollar, it will not booster the economy , but mine and Jesse’s time is finite, limited…we both know the realities…the sands of time fall faster now….ideally in a just world right now we would be sat together probably plotting what we would like for dinner, who turn is it to load the dish washer or vacuum, but instead we are kept apart by red tape…so this is what we have…it’s What we are about in our 24/7 eletronic mixed up world….. Mixed up but full of love….I hope I’ve managed to impart just a small part of it….what if this takes another six years? Well let’s hope not for both our sakes but if it does then so be it….whatever your doing tonight folks, stay safe, and look after yourselves …💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Dear Diary….confessions of a phobia phobic….😁

Last week I took my life in my very hands and finally plucked up the courage to call through to my doctors surgery😊, (it has only taken me all of six weeks, this is in fact a new record yay me!😁, (good job it wasn’t life threatening is all I can say😊) I could barely walk, but after all walking is vastly over rated isn’t it?…I will never quite understand why I struggle on this for so long, before it gets to that last minute thing and I give in and call, I build it up in my mind until it feels insurmountable…. Then there’s the added fact that they are after all very nice really,, so it doesn’t quite make sense, but such is me, it’s over quickly and quite painless ….I then take a deep breath once again,while i wonder what all the fuss was over…This time was slightly different though, as a doctor would be calling me back😮…reception didn’t exactly know when, could be that day, the following one or next week even😊….oh well I laugh, trying hard to reasure the apologetic receptionist Becky that is all indeed fine for me, it’s not as if I could go anywhere anyway😊, i didn’t bank on silly things, like oh say like bathroom trips, eating or that crucial next coffee, while phone watching 😁.

When my phone does finally deem fit to spring into life some time later, I jump like an idiot, I’ve only sat watching and waiting for over an hour now, why does this even happen?😁…when I do finally stop staring at it, as if I have the ability to answer it telepathically.., I find out its Becky the receptionist lady…(I’m convinced by the way,,, she only has a top half of a torso and lives predominately behind glass, does she have legs behind there I ponder aimlessly while she awaits patiently for me to answer?….stop digressing woman…When I finally get it together enough to reason, she is actually expecting a reply of sorts. I reply lol,,,.Becky then informs me I have been made an open appointment at my local X-ray department…oh joy!!!,I’m going to have to circumnavigate my way around peopling again….I check out “the Youtube” .

I wonder what happened to the olden days,? when you had to visit your GP, he would send you away to await a referral letter….Six months later, when your leg had dropped off while shopping in Tesco or any other store in your area, and you’ve quite forgotten all about it…said mail drops through your letter box,… No now it’s all changed folks, Becky promptly sent me a follow up text with a list of choices and times to go along ….I know how bloody civilised right?….you get a choice!!!!!!,I’m impressed.

So this is all very nice and everything…but now what?..Not driving how do I go about this appointment thingy? Arrangements need to be made, i phone a friend,aka Debbie!, Debbie knows everything, and will know what to do for the best…I phone at once before I can launch the cogitation section in myself ….I’m a great cogitater you know😁, an even better procrastinater, ewwww I love a good procrastination me….But this time I set those wheels in motion, and damn it within minutes she replied😊, I had text her the list of times hoping amongst hope, she would come back with some excuse or other why shes too busy at least until next June…Debbie is a very busy lady doing things like,,, I don’t know but!!!..she sings in choirs, Shanghais local garden centres kidnapping all their plants along the way, drinks wine with friends and eats kitkats, all the kitkats, but oh no not this time!!….a big smiley emoji pops up with a sudden rudeness announcing ping!!!! upon my screen, I peel myself down from the ceiling once more, ( I must get that damn cobweb sorted next time, and cover up those embedded nail grooves)…Debbie knowing me all to well also, grabs the opportunity with all alacrity, left to ones own devices I will put it off till July 7th 2039 at the very earliest….,but no she says how about 9:30 friday?…it’s Thursday, how am I going to work my way into a decent state of heightened stress in two days?????, But I find myself quickly agreeing anyway before I have chance to talk myself out of it, all the while my inner torment screams incandescantly tell her you’ve a previous engagement, damn and holeys I don’t go out!!! … Let the chuntering mind monkey commence ….. and he does, hasn’t he ever heard of speak no evil…

I text Debbie an hour or so later….can we at least go for coffee and cake after…”i,’ll be good I promise”, there’s a resounding No!!!!!, So that’s that then, I can’t have nothing!!!…not even cake to look forward too…turns out Debbie has a luncheon booked with friends where guess what they’re only having cake without me!!!😮.

Sunday 9:30am…0hour…make it stop!

The two days pass quicker (or is that quickly🤔) than I would like, I must admit I was already not looking forward to being out that door by 9:30am…does anyone actually go out on a Sunday at that time?, Is it even decent?…I was groggy from lack of sleep, and worse still lack of coffee when I clamber into the shower..I’m grouchy and desperate to ring Debbie and call it off…but by some fluke I manage to be ready to leave at 9am in case Debbie arrives early…I text and let her know…

Debbie arrives bright and breezy….she’s one of “those” people all sunshine to my showers….talking of which, the sky decides to commiserate with me…it’s a dark even slate grey, the clouds even though it’s rained throughout the previous night, heavy and pregnant with yet more rain..there’s the briefest of lulls…like someone’s hit pause…for June though there’s a chill in the breeze…as we take the drive over we chat about the weather like good Brits 😁, the endless monsoons effect on our garden, the mention of frosts in the week, and dragging out our fleecy blankets to stave off the nights chill anything to keep my mind from focussing on the task at hand…Debbie is used to my endless nervous drivel by now…like Jesse they manage to tune into another frequency…😁

We arrive all to quickly and are booking into reception, I shuffle nervously while giving my information, looking about me at others looking about also, all wondering what forms of fresh torture is in store for us today…I swear that passing nurse has a Portentous look upon her face…she turns and grins at me…oh hell!!!, I’m about ready to hobble out and make good my escape when Debbie grabs my arm and forces me physically into a chair…pulling her seat near in case I make a break for it…I’m barely sat when my name’s called out…a short dark haired male nurse stands clip board held high like a shield protecting him from all oncomers….head down looking at my feet I follow…not engaging in small talk or looking up into he’s eyes in case I see an evilness lurking there…I look back hopefully at Debbie surely we should run right, go get coffee, buy plants…maybe the bribe of a kitkat…but she has by now, her best librarians face on so I meekly follow Vlad the impaler…I mean the nurse, yes nurse..😁.

Vlad looks up from his clipboard for a moment, points to an area hidden away behind some partitioning, Covered in how to do various forms of torture diagrams,…sure I’ve been put through number 4 many times 😁, he says sit!!! in an authoritative voice, I obey instantly..looking at once for my treat…nothing forth coming im afraid….a sudden noise makes me look up from where im nervously twisting my bag strap, sat opposite is a young lass whose taking off her jewellery, I’m tempted all at once to ask her what she’s in for..like inmates on our first day😁…but Vlad gives me “the look” suddenly and I refrain….

Me and my fellow inmate bond briefly while we await, Nervously one of us keeps watch for incoming nurses while the other sends last messages to loved ones on our phones 😁….it’s around then my screen goes black…the buggers have blocked us..our eyes meet and we know certain doom is imminent….what’s worse there’s no Jess…for six whole years we have been on 24/7….now here I am about to face certain death and I can’t even have the comfort of my safe person….my nerves are taunt…if Debbie wasn’t guarding the entrance I know without doubt I would be out that door…

I hate the lifeless screen…I hit call back numerous times, nothing.!!.my breathing quickens, heart races, my head struggles to control my emotions…sweat trickles in rivulets down my back…I look again at the phone in case by some fluke reception is restored..but it’s not…I’m then called through….there’s two male nurses and Vlad..I’m asked my date of birth suddenly by a disembodied voice floating from behind a glass window…I struggle to even impart this…my eyes drawn to the big torture machines, I swear ones the rack…it’s hot in there and who am I again????, Mind spinning off kilter all the while …

I do however manage though to follow the instructions given from the invisible beings, hidden away behind the glass…stand here…bend there, shove your leg over your head(slight exaggeration, but only just) I smile nicely for my picture…only for the voice to bellow STAND!!!!!, Which I do at once…still no treat…that’s it the voice says suddenly out of nowhere….all done I ask hopefully?, Yes you can go….and I do…dragging my bag along the floor as I go out the door still pulling on my trousers…I know how dogs feel now as they drag their owners out the door…painful knee all but forgotten I run out the reception to find Debbie …bag still trailing, one show on the other in my hand….Debbie says that was quick!, The whole thing from start to finish took 23 minutes, to me it’s dragged on for hours…my phone screen lights up suddenly, a call tone fills the silence, I swipe downward and Jess is back…I can breathe again…I pull Debbie out the door before Vlad comes looking for me ….we don’t slow down until we reach the car…Debbie looks bewildered at me…you ok?….am now I reply😁….

It’s decided unanimously by me😁, that we need coffee and cake…I’ve been through the wars for goodness sake…ok had an X-ray…but even Debbie agrees now, we got finished earlier than either of us could have ever have hoped for, so now there was time…we settle for a local Costa where we enjoy are well earned refreshments, I had the most delicious light blueberry muffin with my coffee, my world already looking infinitely better ….

We had already planned on a quick visit to the local garden centre as my reward for good behaviour… I was not quite so sure my behaviour was as good as Debbie would have liked, but that as they say is another story I hope my dear friends your coffee is as strong and glorious as you are…take good care of yourselves until next time 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜….

Dear EDS diary ….

A flash in The pan

The over thinker who always lurks some place beneath the surface only to show itself sudden and unexpected quite like a rabid Loch Ness monster really, never seen but non the less we believe in it, so it must be so) Persuades me I need to explain more so please bear with …. I’m not and never will be, talking about erectile dysfunction by the way, let’s clear that up right now😊…First and foremost I have not the necessary equipment required, secondly well let’s just leave that right there shall we!😁…EDS in this womans world, is in fact Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and for years I knew nothing of its very existence let alone worry if Im even pronouning it right, (what’s that about ignorance and the bliss thing?)…..but there it is …it too lurked hidden away in the depths, behind a tangled multitude of childhood illness, clumsiness and undiagnosed symptoms…what is it?, Well it’s inherited that much is known…mainly from Mother to daughter..but as Ive spent more time in research, I have infact uncovered that no one in the family is safe..it can and does go from mother to son also…The list of symptoms are longer than my actual Amazon shopping wish list!!!.. Hard to believe anything is that long right?😁, And these days Im finding it somewhat easier to tell my GP what I don’t have going on when asked….that will be mainly diabetes so far…I ward that menace off with threats of violence, a large whip, but mainly by a diet miserably lacking in anything that tastes even remotely gorgeous or even edible at times, but I digress…..EDS effects the connective tissues(Collagens) throughout our bodies, its the very thing that stabilises our joints holding them in their place, well in most normal folk anyhow….but that’s just one of the more simple issues to explain… the list is as Ive hinted, endless….here’s some more for you..Dislocations…yes the joints anywhere in our bodies can and will fall from their socket without any exertion manipulation or prior warning… Yes it just happens…poof!!!!(My favourite black t shirt has on the front My joints go out more than I do, (sad but so true)…i joke often about this and make light where I can, But it is infact extremely painful and terrifying…you never know when your going to be walking along fine one moment….the next up close and personal with a passing ant or worse,,an abandoned doggy deposit…this is again not only painful, distressing, but equally embarrassing….One of the key reasons I now live in trousers these days was due to an incident many years ago, where I unintentionally flashed my bright red satin lacy briefs to the whole of a returning five o’clock work rush hour, yes I lay sprawled across the pavement ….One moment I’m walking enjoying the late afternoon sunshine, the next my ankle just gave way and there I am, not only cut and bleeding but flashing half of Essex…trousers are not only a must but essential, my only comfort was I had on decent undies not my usual comfy pants……girls listen to your mothers😁

The skin covering our bodies is not only exceptionally soft(I’ve heard it described as velvet like) , but overly stretchy…also prone to tears, poor healing, scarring, puckering and last but by no means least stretch marks yay us, good to know stretch Armstrong could be a relative ….

Teeth and gums….

yes we still have them😁 , and thank goodness, or how would I eat my one true weakness( but that’s coffee of course, goes without saying) then there’s cake…..No some of us have teeth that over crowd at the front, receding gums, poor teeth despite years of good hygiene and dental care… tooth spurs, oh and best yet …our jaw can discolate or sublux during dentistry visits, it happens!…nice…don’t ask about pain relief, because Joy of joys it doesn’t always take…. Gotta love when the drill hits a nerve, you reach dizzying heights and see work that needs doing on the dentists ceiling…mouth full of jaw clamps, your asked oh did that hurt….oh hell no I’m fine…I just have a penchant for Artex….

Falling for you….

Cord tethering, (no not crochet or knot tying) severe spine curvatures, scoliosis, upper neck problems… Let’s set the scene for a sweet tale….There’s nothing more romantic to finish off that evenings wonderful dinner date, alone with the man of your dreams, Than an early night tucked up all warm and cosy, a softly lit room, wrapped up in each others arms with a episode or three of game of thrones😁😁😁😁😁….your man turn looks deeply into your eyes and says ‘do you have the tv remote on your side honey?’😊 I know, I melted right there…, Without untangling myself i turned my head slowly to the right reaching over to the bedside table, …….the next thing i knew im laying flat out across the floor…now our romance at this stage was still exciting, wonderous and new….but this excitement we could well do without…I shake my head, come too for real, look up to find one concerned Jesse looking over the side of the bed, down upon me….’ermmmm honey whatever I said or did you didn’t need to propel yourself out the bed to get away from me’….all I had done was turn my bloody head (to the right….too late after the fact to remember I can’t in fact do this,or i find out to my deep embarrassment…I pass out on the floor😁…this is not or never has been the meaning of falling in love……. It a good job we both have a wicked sense of humour…

Going potty …..

Or Pots….Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome…a condition in which a reduced volume of blood returns to the heart when standing from sitting or laying down…fun symptoms…sudden dizziness or light headed, fainting (always a favourite, noticeable heartbeat, palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, shaking and sweating….that’s without the other cool stuff..like feeling sick, diarrhoea,constipation,bloating and our old favourite cramping mmmhmmm….

Quite honestly there’s nothing it doesn’t effect, including early onset arthritic pain….most EDS sufferers go undetected maybe even throughout life..it’s easy done, my early pain levels were described by both parents and GPs as growing pain..the odd contortions and body movement put down to being double jointed….anxiety, phobias, just a nervy child….I was two for instance before I started walking, choosing to shuffle in an odd crab like motion around the floor instead… Upon seeing an old photo of my mother holding me up at about a year it became patently obvious why…my knees where overly large and facing inwards… I’ve no instep, and walk pigeon toed…since early memory there’s never been one day without pain..just hasn’t ..it’s as much a part of my life taking a breath…only I’m fond of that..

Most of what I know was thanks to research, joining forums, talking to others…in the early days I believed everything I went through, was normal, everybody felt the same..I was just more clumsy..lacking spatial awareness, suffering more childhood illness …when I was diagnosed by a therapist, I could have cried..because although hyper mobile joints just meant I was overly flexible in my book…when I started finding out more, I realised that was the tip of the iceberg, the way this was going to effect my well being later was to be harsh…don’t get me wrong..I would far rather go through it than the alternative..

On the plus side I’ve since learnt to realign and manipulate joints back into place..it leaves them slightly sore for a few days and there’s a real risk they will at some point drop back out but this is thankfully unusual..my Ribs slipping on the other hand, once that happens I usually have a few more episodes over the next few days and weeks…because that being the most painful of course wants to occur at will…😁.

X rated…

Yesterday saw me back at the hospital once again, yet another X-rays and wait while they establish there’s not much can be done…and I’m well aware this is something I have had to cope with and do.. as I said I know no different, having a sense of humour has been the biggest asset I could have, you need one while dealing with this…Next week it’s the physio or the rack for (the torture chamber) as I know it by…from there who knows….guess it’s wait and see…whatever your dealing with folks please look after you …take care now until next time 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

The woman in the Arena…

It’s been some weeks now since sadly Cinnamon bun(Cinnie) left for fresh pastures,,running free in the happy hunting grounds, the dream world, here after which ever is your own thought or beliefs on the matter…I choose to see him hopping about in sunny meadows, lazing about under trees, grass filled fields dotted full of others of his kin, bounding about safe, sun on their backs and happy. Anyway after he’s loss, I was left with a rather problem…a somewhat large problem…

Cinnies apartment….

Just Weeks after rehoming my buddy back in 2019, the moment I knew he had finally settled in for certain, with he’s newly adopted human serf., I went about sourcing someone to build him a home, Not just any abode mind, not for my fluffy bun!!!!,. But one that was to be specifically tailored to his every last whim and need, fulfilling any and all the requirements a discerning bunny may have. In other words bespoke..it took some time finding that special someone, a person who wouldn’t just try to fob me off with a poorly made 4ft by 2ft wooden box with some cheap chicken wire tacked up the front, This was to be Cinnies home, his safe place and with hes special needs kept in mind.Because Cinnie try as I may, would not be bribed,cajoled, encouraged or dare I say it forced to leave his then cage(he had had four homes already, and each spent in a garden hutch)…even with the door open 24/7 and Freshly picked Dandelions scattered for his delectation…nothing or no one could convince him that outside was safe…I can identify with this 😊.

So this new home needed to be large enough for him to move about unfettered, freely, yet still fit into my somewhat snug Bungalow..Finally the day came, quite by chance while I was purchasing a garden bird table from a local carpenter, I just happened to ask, ‘you don’t make other things do you’?, ‘like what’?, ‘Oh say a rabbit home’😁,. I instinctively knew I had come across someone who would at least take both mine and Cinnies needs seriously…I explained the dimensions required, Even texting him a couple of my very amateurish poorly sketched plans😁, . In the end it turned out to be a fabulous collaboration of three minds..Mine, hes and his good lady wifes, Who fortunately enough for us all, had at one time kept her own rabbits, so was on hand to help with the finer details…We kept in touch over the following weeks, texts flew back and forth while the construction was underway…I saw many photos.. Even heard about the curse words as building evolved into an elaborate bunny apartment, with two floors and a cozy bedroom by all means it apparently wasn’t quite as simple as first thought… But anything to do with me never is🙄….

After weeks of hard work on his part and impatience on both sides, Finally the day came for me to see the finished article…And I have to say even to this day I wasn’t expecting anything quite beautiful or elaborate….taking two hefty people to deliver …Cinnies new built home barely made it through the front door…it was massive..A whopping 8ft long, 3ft wide and 4ft tall, two floors, a bedroom, a specially made wrunged ladder to the upper floor, And what’s more this wonderful bunny palace came with wheels,(a caravan perhaps) perfect plan because there’s no way I could comprehend shifting this if need be….

But what most impressed though was the thoughtful workmanship involved..it was to all intents a rabbit home for Cinnie…but that wasn’t the end of it..the exterior had been polished and varnished till it glowed with a gloss…From the inside it served as one top class rabbit apartment, but outside my needs were being catered for too, it looked for all the world like beautiful piece of furniture, a perfect sideboard…I loved it instantly, taking to polishing the outside with beeswax every few days….nothing but the best for myself and Cinnie….

After Cinnie….

So what now?, Each time I walked through from my bedroom into the living room, there it stood, a constant reminder…a massive great shouty memorial to the ensuing months of pain, of loss..I couldn’t bear to even look at it…because now it stood empty, silent except for the ghostly recalled sounds…For weeks after I was still hearing him drinking from his bottle, his toy ball being rolled across the floor, or the constant banging of the door, he loved nothing more than nudging the door nightly, to see if it remained ever open,(course it was) although he never would once venture his fluffy self through it…I tried shutting my eyes as I walked by it now, This was not only to prove idiotic, unsuccessful, but lethal to my now very bruised and battered legs, even nearly breaking my little toe on another occasion…it was no good decisions had to be made and fast!…so as always this requires coffee, much much coffee, comfort Kitkats and Jesse..I needed to talk it over with someone who not only knew how I was feeling, but got these still very raw emotions, just talking it out not only helped but I knew full well would bring to fruition any decision making…

I altered my mind a dozen times over the following days, veering wildly from finding it another rabbit home, so another may get equal enjoyment out of it, (it was after all still immaculate, Cinnie being uber clean in his habits, only using his toilet area, again specifically adapted for him exclusively …Or I could hire a man with a van to take it to the local recycling plant?, That would indeed remove the memory, but then could I live with how wasteful this would be, as I idled back and forth between these ideas, One morning a yet another idea popped into my head…talking of waste…it seemed such a waste to buy another large piece of furniture to act as a sideboard, plus really costly to boot …But I was going to indeed need a replacement and all the while here stood one…ok it still held those haunting memories…I still hated seeing it, but I was torn, conflicted terribly, because despite everything, It also held happy memories of my pal..plus I still loved it as a piece of furniture….

So what to do?….

It didn’t help that around this time my left leg whether due to EDS, an old injury or Fluid retention was giving me seven sorts of hell..most days I could barely walk let alone become DIY Doris😁..After a phone appointment my doctor ordered me to rest it up….I spent hours reading to kill time, (a book daily) but as much as books are my escapism, I wanted, needed to be doing things, I was bored out of my tiny skull..You cannot comprehend the stress this put me under, take one classic over thinker and confine them to base, and you get yourself a head twirling,profanity screaming banshee …My mind was in tatters…this said as I lay about one good thing gradually began to germinate in my over worked head…what if I turned Cinnamons room into storage…I could do this…I knew I could, after all despite lacking in confidence, I have my own power tools these day, even a tool box?😁, how hard could this be right!??????😁

There was still one massive problem….I don’t in fact drive..And everything and anything I needed to upcycle my project was miles away at the local DIY store…Cabs although a possibility were never going to be practical let alone affordable…I hate asking my friend Debbie ,she does enough for me in my opinion…so how could I go about achieving what I had planned….back to the ever growing drawing board…What was the plan you ask?… Basically to cover the wire doors in the very outset with some sheets of hardboard, making panels…see my thoughts here were if I could change the look of it enough, I could change my thought about it..but how could I achieve this…Firstly I spent hours trawling ‘the Amazon’…

They didn’t have what I needed…immediately doubt crept in making its home in the recesses of my head,…’stupid plan Theresa’, ‘you could never have done it anyhow’ ‘you,’ll mess it up’…Zero confidence and with it self loathing I pushed it on the back burner…, I infact was spiralling into an incoming depression, i should have expected this….but just as I was about to throw in the hat and give up on the whole blooming idea….I figured it…Cardboard!!!!!!

No that’s not a new freshly made up profanity😁, I could use thick cardboard….but where to find anything near thick enough for the job….Amazon to the rescue…I would buy big removal boxes…I would get the biggest and strongest they had., If this was to still prove too flimsy then I could of course glue two pieces together. Genius ! …this could actually work you know., I still had the issues with my knee but I would find a way… In fact I was finding a way…

Under construction….

Ten thick massive corrugated boxes arrived on the Wednesday, I figured looking at them I would only In fact need to deconstruct two 😁, ..While cutting these into four panels pieces, at first trying with overly small scissors(only me) Before admitting defeat and finally reaching for the armour plated, destroy all in their path variety, the cardboard retaliated by also wholeheartedly cutting up me…

But with some manoeuvring,cursing and me covered in plasters, I did end up with four perfectly sized card panels..I had even made myself a template in the beginning😮….I know I was bloody shocked myself….but I had wanted this to work out for both myself and Cinnies Sake!…., Before this attempt though there had been the inevitable failure, I had previously tried sticking wood effect sticky backed plastic over the fronts…this not only looked tacky and awful but by the very next morning it had drooped down, peeling off to slide on to the waiting carpet below, where it stuck very soundly, and of course to me!!!! ….After this determination in all things creation became my watch words…that and my constant referral…a framed speech by Theodore Roosevelt the Man in the Arena, (look it up)I look at this I every time I falter…which is a dozen times daily …this time I would make it work come what may ….

Now I had the four panels…it struck me square between the eyes🙄!!!!…no glue!, Oh come on why is this happening to me!….because your you Treez😊, ..But just as I go to fling away the card in frustration, my eyes are drawn to the small white cylindrical pot on top of Cinnies home, don’t remember putting it there but I must have at some point….it’s called Modge Podge, a white sticky crafters glue…I look down at the card ….do you know this only might work!! Could it? Would it?…well you,’ll never know, sat here in deep procrastination woman, for goodness sake set too, oh no what do you mean you don’t possess a brush?…well pour that funky white gunk and get your hands in it luv…and I do, and did, it was in fact fun😁…..at that exact moment my nose of course itched, my eye water and Ive dropped a tissue on the floor….. of course then the door bell rings, So I have to answer it…As I do though,I have encased the door handle, its covered, hair is stuck fast to my nose, and why oh why won’t this bloody tissue leave my hand alone, shakes it frantically ….At the door are three very very smartly dressed woman… Jehovahs witnesses….They try not to look horrified in all fairness to them😊…they just look on pityingly instead….one turns a beautiful smile to me and said do you believe in god?, Good question, here I’m stood trying frantically to pick pieces of glue off my nose area with the untissued stuck hand..convinced the fast drying glue looks like I have a snotty nose, which I’m picking….the tissue caked other hand is doing little to convince otherwise….they smile politely once more all the while backing off fast …I outstretched a gluey tissued hand for the handshaking of purposes, but for some reason they’ve already walked down the path, hmmm strange folk, something I said, I scratch my head in puzzlement….oh damn it!!!!! And I never did answer their questions…oh well shuts door behind me…using the tissue covered door knob….sighs…

After scrubbing my hands in some much needed hot soapy water for the next hour😁…I placed the two Modge podge sticky panels in two separate black sacks weighing them down with heavy books….all day I’m tempted to check their progress, but I’m good and wait, and wait some more..in fact I make it to the very next day before investigating things further ….holds breath, hands shaking, and check out the big reveal….it only blooming worked didn’t it…they were stuck solid into a strong board like structure…I silently whooped..punching the air…now what?😁

Well the rest went easy, I had already found a beautiful wallpaper, covered in what looks like 3D Rabbits and Birds…the shapes really stand out bold from the paper…coincidentally enough it’s called Sage(my budgies name) nothing to do with the sage green background of course….Ive covered the two panel sections in the beautiful paper….letting it dry..before screwing it on to the door frames…it looks like wood…acts solid enough to be well,,, wood…I finished the whole ensemble with a strip of white lace across the top and bottom of each panel, (same colour as the birds and bunnies) this covers the screws and finishes it off perfectly…it looks pretty darn good if I say so myself..it alters the whole look of it and you would never know it’s original use….

I still have the top floor to cover in black vinyl tiles, the lower floors done…there’s door handles to change or paint whichever looks best..but do you know what?, I’m proud of my efforts, and to think just a few years ago I would never have contemplated starting a project like this, let alone looking forward to finishing it…my confidence still gets easily shaken..but at least now I attempt things for myself…there’s no one here to mock my progress and because of this I try, then try harder……..It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better, the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena …..(Part of the speech of Theodore Roosevelt… Thank you for being at my side a while and reading, I appreciate you greatly my fellow Gladiators…take care of you in whatever you do today …because your worth every effort…bye for now 💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜x