Chapters

Daffodil days and sleepless nights…..Dear Diary…

My pre wake up, wake up was originally around 4:30am, this being the third time of the night, I had been somewhat rudely awakened either by screams or someone shouting off in the distance, bed covers were somehow up and entangled someplace around my neck, although my legs were left bare and freezing, the rest of me was soaked through to the skin, heart pounding until it hurt against my chest …I looked about the room, fully expecting to find monsters of my dreams hiding in the darkened shadowy corners, lurking, Of course there was nothing there, logically I already knew this to be true. But trying to reconcile that with the not fully conscious fear induced mind is monstrous hard…Pulling my favourite blanket around me tighter I began working on my breathing, counting each breath as I went.., in through my nose out through my mouth, just breathe Treez!…Im thankful for years ago and learning yoga breathing out of an old book of my sister’s those many moons ago…At the time I never really gave it much credence, if honest, like most thinking it mumbo jumbo, in that moment though i was most grateful, having something other than the constant replaying of the visions before me to work upon, doing anything is proactive, plus useful for calming my speeding heart…as I awake fully, I know the screams that I had heard in the night, had been none other than my own, almost animal like in their terror…During the day I can control my reacrions to a certain extent,where as at night my subconscious digs deeper within the unexplored confines, regressing, finding out old buried weakness and plays them on loop….As I move about throughout that day,i have the smells, sensations of being touched and the voices around me for some time, it’s not till much later I realise im being over vigilant, scanning my surroundings constantly, my ears listening for any slight noise ….but at least now I’m wide awake….

I read,then watch an episode of a latest series on prime, anything to stave off further sleep, at 8am the darkness makes way for a shiny new dawn and although my head is still full of oneirism, I take comfort in my self inflicted routine, cold shower, hot coffee, work on the kitchen, laundry…these are boring, mundane, but I find I need this for now..I take a comfort from it….even though the Sun’s rising, the sky the most beautiful cobalt blue, I check the front door several times, it’s locked, I know it, but is it?, I question myself, or was it just a memory of locking it on previous days……i feel the over whelming need to indulge this…I push down the cold brass handle until it won’t move any further, the red and white candy striped string holding a line above the lock ring out almost in protest….but I know I will check this again….

I take a hot coffee back to bed, no plans to return to sleep, but I feel already depleted, it’s still early and there’s a real Autumnal chill in the crisp clear air, As I sip the syrupy(extra honey for shock😊) delicious hot drink it goes a long way to revive shattered nerves, as it’s warmth gives me that welcome hug, I form a stilted plan for my day….I will plant out the large yellow netting bag of mini daffodils, the same ones I had brought back in the beginning of September., Visions of clumps of golden trumpets nodding in the breeze next spring made me smile…..envisioning it and getting off ones mahoosive derriere to bring it about, are it seems two different things,(funny that😊) I know if I don’t knuckle down to the job fairly soon, the bulbs will go green alright, but not with spikey leaves, just a lovely growth of powdery mildew,🙄 no glorious golden swaying heads there then….😊, i tell myself it will be good for me, therapy outside in the sunshine, but persuasion be thy name coffee…I need another if I’m going to do hard Labour splitting rocks in the salt mines😊….ok stop the dramatics Treez, your planting Daffies for goodness sakes, not doing punishment, so why does it feel like it then….?😁

As the kettle comes to a shuddering halt, steam circling the chilly kitchen air, I’m all at once encased with the need to hear a comforting friendly voice..it’s overwhelming in its power…I require something or is that someone to help chase away the still visiting horrors of the night previous, I need to connect with a loved one, as one hand surrounds the comforting warmth of my coffee mug, the other bits the green dial button for my daughter,, knowing without a word leaving my mouth, she will sense something is amiss, there’s that bond as old as time itself between mother and daughter, as her laughter fills my ears it drowns out screams, not just the sound of it, but the physical ….I feel my shoulders relax, the high alert I’ve been unconscious of drops down a peg or two as does my over response to outside stimuli… There’s that whole safety in numbers thing at its best, I’m with my pack, my clan, I’m ok!

After hanging up, I feel an instant return to unease, it’s palpable, a cold loneliness eats away at me , Here I know I have to fight it, So taking the yellow net bag of Daffodil bulbs from the hiding place of the cupboard, plus a small trowel, I venture off out into the brilliant sunshine, I cannot sit myself upon the ground as it’s still wet with that mornings dew, kneeling is out of the question due to my knees, So with my back near to breaking I begin the odious task of bending to dig the holes, the grounds filled with bits of jagged stone, brick and broken rock, so whose idea was this again?, that’s right Treez it was in fact yours Genius!!!!!!!!😊, but as mutter curse words under my breath digging each pain staking blooming hole, I feel the warmth of the sun across my back, dirt fast becoming impacted in my once clean and tidy nails, feeling somewhat repugnant but glorious at the same time…I love feeling this sense of disorganised achievement, at one with nature, it’s silent healing, despite the aching protests of long ago atrophied muscles I get enjoyment from my Labours, looking forward all the while to a host of golden Daffodils, where now stands a Barron plot….50 bulbs later, I can barely straighten my back, my knees swollen and my head aches but the sense of fulfilling the task far outweighs the effort….still the night before hangs over my head, I’m glad to go back in to the safety of my confines, I lock the door and go make a cup of Ginger tea…happy in the knowledge later that day that I had successfully won at least one battle , by 4pm that afternoon I fell into an involuntary exhaustive sleep…did I dream ?, The sleep was so deep I’ve no recollection of doing so, sometimes my body takes over from my overly tired mind, bringing relief even if it is just temporary, it knows best…….I was once questioned or was that interrogated by someone in authority, who sat and stated that my transgressers of the past had not physically done myself any permanent damage….I and those that live about me would wholeheartedly disagree …although there’s no longer any scars, bruises from the physical or mental abuse, look within a survivors troubled mind for even a second and you will see the daily battle commence from waking that morning until exhaustion won’t allow us to carry on….it’s there written upon our hearts, minds and souls, with permanent ink……..whatever your up to this dull wet day, take care of you, stay safe until next time 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜x

Lets play Fridge frenzy ….

You know those times?, normally around the wee small hours of the night?, When anyone with half ounce of sanity and a dash of common sense, are fast asleep? ….Well then there’s the rest of us raving lunatic insomniacs, …On many of these occasions my brain decides oh 3am this is the perfect time to go over everything last thing that’s wrong in your tiny corner of the looniverse…last week’s conundrum…how shall we loose this 6lb, gained since learning to bake the practically perfect gooey treble chocolate chip cookie? 🍪, that was fatal…..but in my defence they really were utterly divine., Trouble was each one was also sighs!. So how to loose this excess weight?……At the same time I’m also doing my online groceey shop….well doesn’t everyone do their shopping in the night while half asleep?….what do you mean not normally!!!!!! That will be just me then.😐

Just as I was ready to go through to checkout, I decided to check my list to make sure I had everything…..And boy did I have everything…there was that stray large packet of cashew nuts, vegetable crisps, French fancy cakes, oven fries, fish fingers, ect ECT ECT🙄 ……Not one solitary morsel of green stuff in sight….this on the whole isn’t me, I’m normally a very good eater(don’t sayyyyyy it)…I love fruit and veg…ok I also love cake, but I do try to avoid it where humanely possible😊, ….

Feeling deeply ashamed of my sudden onslaught of gluttony, I release all the goodies or is that baddies from my cart back into the wild😊, then i begin all over again by adding those things I know I should be having…Until my trolley is a positive rainbow of the vegetable variety…I have covered every root,vine,and pod, I sit back feeling all smug, thinking to myself when my delivery guy brings this little haul ain’t he going to be impressed😊, I check out then promptly fall into a deep comatose sleep ….see it’s working already…

That was last week, and I must confess a lot of the fresh vegetables still lurked untouched, looking at me accusingly each time I opened the fridge door….I tried shutting my eyes and wildly grabbing for the milk but ended up with mayonnaise…erm nope even my pallet won’t stretch to that in my morning coffee…..over the weekend I decided these veggies were trouble and had vegged out in my fridge quite long enough thankyou….I was sick of them doing a song and dance each time the spot light went on in the fridge…I was going to show them…huh!! …so here’s how you play along with Fridge frenzy….

Thousand vegetable soup….

Ok maybe not quite, but any you have to hand, and if those vegetroubles have any manky bits on them trying to get you to avoid eating them …..chop it off ouchhhhhhh!😊

My recipe….5 carrots or there abouts, .1. slightly manky red onion, green sprouting, I even used this chopped, .1. Leek, .1. Courgette.1. Parsnip.1. Potato, eyes enough to see in the dark. Any old frozen veg you have left over in the freezer..Garlic, tin of chopped toms, tin of French onion soup,.2. Stock cubes of choice,.1. teaspoon of ginger powder,.1. tablespoon of mixed herbs, parsley, basil and celery salt….I put this all in for four hours on low heat, in the slow cooker/crock pot, set about doing real chores, when it was virtually cooked, say the last 30 minutes…I made a slurry of corn flour and tomato ketchup, stir this well, add a ladle of your soup mix, stir some more then add to your crock pot, allowing it to cook on for another 30 minutes……when it was done I liberally added several glugs of worcheshire sauce to add a kick….. It turned out super thick, full of flavour and perfect for a cheap healthy lunch….if you want it thinner for your taste just add more water or stock……Bon appetite!!! Mon petits fleurs……until next time look after yourselves…..stay safe🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻x

Pocket watch….Dear diary

As young child I remember back being somewhat fascinated by a thick gold linked chain that stretched in a loose swag from a button hole of my Grandfathers black waist coat, into a small shallow pocket…looking back I thought how it must of been attached to a very prize possession, because it was always so very highly polished, gleaming in the light, being of that era where a small child was seen and not heard, I never felt brave enough to enquire into what it was, Grandfather being rather tall and thin of stature, I felt very much in awe.. To me he seemed also somewhat stern and unapproachable,not so sure he was actually, because all big people(adults seemed the same 😊 , But that was only my take on things.. This day though while clutching hold of my Dads hand, eager to make good our escape before the big person felt a sudden hunger and saw me as a likely snack….I had a vivid imagination even back then…., we were Saying our goodbyes at the end of a very dark hallway near to the front door..he must have seen me eyes drawn to the winking gleam of the chain…A rare smile heightened his drawn lined face, hes wrinkled calloussed hand, reaching in slowly to his waist coat pocket he withdrew what to me was one of the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, what light there was bounced off the elaborate scrollwork and feathery Pattens across its case, I held my breath as it hung there spinning about on its thick gold rope like chain, capturing not only time, but reflection as it danced, I was entranced, but even more so as Grandfather pushed down a button upon the top, where it flipped open suddenly, to reveal a white face, three black hands with one perfect red ruby by the number six…I gasped as hushed notes began playing, a tune, which to this day I can never remember😊, but as he held it up against my ear I heard it’s ticking,,,, it was alive!!! …..From then on in I was always going to have my very own one day (it’s what I now know as a fob watch) , My own time capturing treasure….. , recently I relented….now Sat constantly at my side hangs a black fobwatch. And it’s all mine!!!!!!!

There are nights I struggle with sleep, laying awake for hours, an endless silence crashes in on my every thought..it’s deafening with yet another long stark cool reminder….I’m alone!, …..what I do next for a modicum of comfort may seem odd to some, mayhap something quite peculiar,. I take my fob watch from its regular hanging place beside my bed, slipping it under my left ear..its black filigree case hard, cool to touch,. But when I hear its ticking, that small clockwork heart beat, sounding out the seconds, minutes, hours as they evaporate from night into new another dawn…. Metal internal cogs turn slow but constant, it’s become an instant comfort, a reminder of another time, another far off place, where my head would rest upon the warmth of another, listening to a similar beat, a beat that also made note of time, a time where I felt cocooned in a silken protective layer, far away from the outside world, one of warmth, safety, home, where monsters that lurk in shadowy nooks and corners of the troubled mind are vanquished….it’s as near as I can get to a return to that moment…close to when I felt protected…and more importantly both mind and body resting…

Furtively I look across to check the phone, seeing if Jesse sleeps, he does, so secretly once again I slip the watch under my left ear, it’s been a nightly occurrence of late, (habitual) for as much as I try to turn my small bedroom into a place of calm, tranquillity, with teddy soft yellow fleece throws covering the single bed, candlelight flickering and dancing sending aloft amber warmth across the cool white walls…all my favourite things surround me, but as I try to recreate a safe place, a haven…it’s not here… it’s never here!!!!, And I’ve craved escape from the darkness that’s ever encroaching my mood, it’s like housing a bee hive in one’s brain, feeling their fluttering, hearing their constant drone, waiting for the sting …it’s relentless, endless, what’s more I cannot create a retreat physically, it has to be mentally, until I find the answers inside myself, there’s no escape ….depression is a fickle beast, one of cunning in her depravity, once it’s sharp claws and teeth have hold of their 1lb of flesh there’s little one can do …. Just ride it out

Endless mind chatter pursues both day and night, even dreams are not sacred, they become fractured patterns of past, present and make believe, seen through kaleidoscopic eyes,. .. I know for instance that I’m more inclined to feel the need to chat around these times, talking shuts out the endless droning words of cruelty…that inner bully,, If there’s no one around to talk at😊, I try to immerse myself into one of the many books I may read during the course of a week, as I’ve said often in the past, there’s a grand secret pathway of liberation via the authors written word, Some come with time machines that whisk you off in a mere moment to other century, becoming your own time lord,😊…, Others have exotic climes and places,,,whichever it happens to be it’s freedom from ones own thoughts,… I devour the words, page after page, hungry for that departure from life, living all too often vicariously through the characters lives, those being infinitely better than my own😊….I don’t see them as trapped between the covers of books, they are adventurous, fearless with endless possibilities, all the things I cannot be at this present juncture ….

Never were books more important than this week, daily the skies where almost black and heavy with still more rain, Cabin fever hitting me more often than I would like, although I’m virtually house bound it’s good to have the option to get outdoors, should I so choose, I rarely do but I’m contrary like that…I just like to know it’s there😊, so far this week, I’ve read four books, using the pull of each as a bribe, I can read more when I’ve vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, made food…it prevents the screaming blacks(depression ) from taking over completely, I refuse to be suffocated by its density…it’s my wee fight toward light…it’s where my pertinacious works for me, wading through swamps of the depressed mind is fearsome, I’m oft scared I will get lost permanently, unable to find my way back…but while in recovery from my latest battle, I use words as my shield, whether souced from one of my favourite songs or penned by a brilliant author, story tellers…I’m deeply grateful to both at these times….them and my loved ones become the warm glow of the brightest candle, my guides ….they will never know the gratitude or love I feel……enough chatter from me folks….stay warm, stay safe, and look after you, because your amazing….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Marioooooo, Diary of utter Chaos….

So Monday arrives once again(oh Boy!!!!!) and there i was looking forward to my usual Caffeine induced morning high… As I traisped bare foot out into the darkened kitchen, where I keep the kettle, (think that’s where most kettles are to be found though😁), I was immediately hit square up the Snoot by some fresh new hell, that had taken up residence in my kitchen over night….There was no escaping its presence either right from the very outset,.There was this oppressive overbearing stench, circulating in the air, like a toxic nostril dissolving gas cloud……what was odd though?,why I hadn’t detected it anywhere else in the flat was beyond me, Now unless Ethel, Aragne or John the residential XXL common house spiders have developed chronic wind from over indulgence of fruit fly pie, I was going to have to go into sniffer dog mode😷😊,..either that or get my best sleuthing hat on and damn fast, failing that, soon I was going to be rendered unconscious …..Couldn’t have that as i didn’t have my best undies on at the time or worse still id had no coffee😮😮😮😮, So it was neither convenient or practical to swoon at this point, plus no one but the spiders were around to witness said swooniage😁,(but then when is falling in a heap on the floor ever a good thing, I’ve not practiced doing this lady like yet should the occasion arise,. then if I happened to fall they would experience tremors in Nepal😁) Plus that kitchen floor is too blooming cold😊. …..

As I fill up the kettle, getting my usual icy cold wake up call water bursting forth from the tap covering my face, t shirt and everything in the nearby vicinity,.. It’s as I,m mopping myself dry that the cause of all my problems soon became evident,. Water instead spiralling into a nice clockwise orderly funnel fashion, before draining away down yonder plughole, is annoyingly beginning to pool, smack bang in the middle of my shiny sink……. Uhhhh, and there it sits stagnating demonic like….Now I have had an issue with said Plugole on numerous occasions…in fact if I’m honest we are at full scale war waging point…this latest drama was one of many….I flicked on the kettle and tried to ignore the pooling water….but each time I moved about the room, My eyes were drawn back to it….you’ve heard of ear worms right? , well this was an eye worm of epic proportions, like a magnet focussing my every attention, burrowing into my normally over occupied mind…I knew without a shadow of doubt, I would be obsessed until I cleared the water and blockage there of……this meant all out war…..and I was ready …😊 well after coffee…

I went to the bathroom using the rest of the hot water from the kettle and my camping shower thingy…at least this morning’s ablutions would not consist of holding ones breath and washing high speed before turning into a lifesized popsicle…anybody that tells you cold showers are healthy, (ain’t never done it regularly) today was kind of luxury….a step up, (Tepid)….I was living it up now baby!!!!!!. Why do I shower in cold water?, Don’t ask!, It’s another battle waging on for years now with my energy provider….or as I fondly call them my fuel Highway men…..Anyhow back to the subject…I’m now scrubbed and shiny, caffeinated to the core….I’m ready to commence war on that infernal blockage….it was it or me….and I had a kitchen to clean so it wasn’t going to be me…..

Over the next hour the stale water finally drained away….so here was my chance, (insert menacing evil laughter) ….I would commit chemical warfare!!!! …..I pulled out every cleaning product from under the sink and lined them up like soldiers across the drainer….we would begin with my old favourites…. The Baking powder, white vinegar, and salt combo….I felt like the lead in Macbeth, swishing my black robes as i concoct bubbling brews for my sink cauldron… I added the white vinegar to baking powder, it begins bubbling impressively at once….like a mini inverted Vesuvius….I listened as it fizzled spectacularly for all of two seconds before, well just fizzling itself out like a cheap firework!…..hmmmmm, that was boring….maybe some hot water, yes let’s boil the kettle, I could always make another coffee, there’s always room for coffee, while in battle….surely they must of had coffee breaks during the second world war…didn’t they?…..I mean you would need to break for refreshments, tea, coffee, digestive biscuit anyone?😁…..after making another coffee, I poured the remaining boiling water directly down its Plugole….huh I would scald it into undeniable submission, Chase that blockage that into oblivion…..like hell! It gurgled back at me offensively, before spitting up a large jet of the mixture of scalding water, baking powder, vinegry, stencified water, hitting me square in the face….now this thing was mocking me…..I can’t have it!!!!!!!!….I threw the tea towel at it enraged!!….huh take that you foul feind….only now I had a stinky wet cloth as well as the white gunk dripping down it’s merry way my cheek……

Three days on……

Yes some three days later and the battle was still in full swing, I had tried every combination of cleaning products know to cleaning kind, I had tried plunging it without a plunger that’s not easy yah know…..(no don’t it’s such a shame it really is…. ). I was becoming increasingly more furious at my lack of plumbing know how…yes I knew it was something most likely loitering definitely in the depths of the U bend…it had likely dug trenches, set up an early warning system for my not so surprise midnight attacks, barracks, barricades, and anti Treez missiles launchers….Try as I might I couldn’t concentrate on anything other than the ever increasing mess in my kitchen and the siege taking place in the sink Orifice….damn that thing…and it’s worsening toxic gas emissions, which was now slowly permeating throughout the rest of my flat….despite an abundance of scented candles, air freshener, essential oils, and burning Sage(no don’t panic not the Budgie😊)….I began awaiting a visitation from the FBI, Scotland yard, or the flying squad at any moment, (not for coffee) but digging up the floor boards looking for anything Sus like…..Even my old friend from the peanut gallery chimed in, talking of Sage…..all day he chirruped up with What!, What!, what!, Shxttttttttt!, Yes all the world and it’s budgie is a critic….but he wasn’t wrong.🙄

Jesse was by now either sick of me marching up and down, tapping my wall battle graph plan with my makeshift batton…either that or wanting a cease fire….asking out the blue one evening…Honey have you tried a plunger?????, I turn slowly, eyes flaring, emitting sparks and everything, glaring at the phone….Hon, I say finally after taking a deep calming breath, I’ve tried quite literally everything I know…some I don’t actually….(I’m ready to sacrifice a pink lady Apple to Mario the God of plumbing, Dance naked about a solar flame lamp in the front garden at full moon….I’ve read every plumbing advice text known to Google, watched so many YouTube videos on the subject I’m ready for that next phase in my life….plumbing….😁, Jesse goes quiet knowing eventually this latest rant will run out of steam….well hopefully anyhow….he places a protective tin hat on Cumzi(our dog) and goes and get provisions for the night…..it’s set to be a long one…..later..much much later….when the caffeine has lost its power, when my energy is spent….I lay down, (body drained….more than the blooming sink is) a little voice pipes up….”Honey I’ve ordered you a gadget to clear your blockage”….not something you expect to hear from ones Fiance😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁, “it’s on its way to you sometime tomorrow”……I’m not so sure anything is ever going to clear this ever!!!!!, But bless him, the thoughts there …..I fall asleep that night wondering do Amazon deliver hand grenades, if so do they ask your age? 🤔.

The following day after some pacing and waiting , the Gadget arrives, I welcome the delivery guy, more like the Saviour of the free world than an Amazon delivery person…I’m desperate….my kitchen more so, I hate the stack of plates, the build up of cleaning …I don’t do untidy well., I try shutting the kitchen door and pretending it doesn’t exist….you all know how that went 🙄😏, …but now I have my new plunger gadget thing….I love a new toy….Jesse sits back to watch the proceedings indulgantly….there’s not many woman that get excited over a gift of the plumbing variety…well his does!!!!!., …I feverishly unpack the item, tape, paper, card flying through the air at speed….in the end I’m left holding what to me looks something like one of those old laser weapons from 70s sci fi days…..oh cool! I exclaim suddenly!!….”Honey you bought me a laser weapon”……, “No, no sweets I think I actually ordered you a plunger”!!!, Oh I say trying hard not to let the disappointment show in my voice….but this could still be fun….

Taking the phone, I tip toe off out into the kitchen, I want to sneak up on my nemesis…..your meant to surprise and concur I think, or is that divide???, I’m not sure but it’s gonna get it’s just deserts pretty soon…..the plunger works by putting a wide airtight rubber dishlike thing over the plug wotsit, up by the handle there’s a pumper upper dodah…..I pump that thing like something possessed…I’m giving it everything….then once you cannot push the pusher thing down any more you release a switch…..this gives off a sudden blast of air into the ubend and killing the blockage totally….huh take that…..well that’s what’s supposed to happen….it takes three attempts, and I can’t say I didn’t have fun…because secretly i did!!!!😃😃😃, On that very last bang of air, this fountain of stale water springs into the air, covering everything in its path…but then miracle of a miracle, the water in sink finally drains away, with a last defiant gurgle, the water is no more….I’ve won…..Jesse can’t help but laugh as I go on to use my plunger gadget again and again, not because it’s needed, I have to, but because it’s fun… doesn’t take much to amuse this poor deluded soul….Anyhow enough of my Gassing like I’ve nothing better to do…I’ve laundry to get in off the line and fold…all kinds of excitement…have a good weekend folks, stay well and safe out there ….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

On the shelf….Dear DIY diary

It’s just after eight o’clock in the morning and I’ve already been awake three hours. Seems sleep wasn’t on the agenda once more, as I’ve mentioned previously this rarely if ever vex,s me, it may leave me tired at times but not anxious at all…Getting out of bed wasn’t my favourite thing either, Weather here that night it seemed bypassed Autumn altogether, slipping straight into winter mode way to easy for my liking(maybe a small taster of things to come)…..I shuffle into the kitchen, not bothering to switch on any lights, fearful it may over stimulate the back of my eyes, in my half sleep state, I was still living with some deluded illusion,. that after I had made my coffee,maybe inhaled the contents of my favourite thermo mug i could just sorta fall back into comatose sleep at some point or another…yeah I know gullible as ever😁 .

While being awake most of the night may have it’s downfalls, it gave me chance to check out the sky for the possible sightings of Aurora borealis, (the late night local news had mentioned it in amongst the latest disasters and dross), And the conditions were in fact perfect for it….Where I live there’s also no street lighting, leaving it pitch black here after midnight, there wasn’t one cloud in the sky, it was velvet black, studded with a myriad of bright diamond twinkling stars..in itself exceptionally beautiful but alas no swirling whisps of colour…

While deep in what is by now mid morning Procrastination(otherwise known as 9:30) and over yet another coffee fix, I make up my mind to build that set of book shelves, the same one, I had delayed many times over, as one does., In my mind i needed to achieve one thing that day, one at the very least….needing to achieve and doing it are though in fact two entirely different things you know, (do feel free to remind me of this fact at some point)…I sat on the sofa contemplating the sections of wood, oh where does one begin…well let’s start with the easy bit…put them in order!, I can do that much right🤔?….That done I then found out my favourite screw drivers…😁, I can tell your impressed already…yes I have favourite screwdrivers, I have gone from a woman who had never been allowed near anything resembling DIY, to now being the proud owner of a tool box….ok it’s not the biggest in the universe but as ladies know it ain’t the size of your tool box, it’s maximising whats in it….right ladies? Mmmmhmmm😁😁😁😁, .

After locating all the tools required, I slurped down my remaining coffee while looking at my laid out project…I must admit to a kindling of excitement building up in the pit of my stomach at the thought of making something for my home..(or was that the remaining effects of last nights red lentil, pea pasta, don’t ask? Wiser not😁), ..but while looking down at the now neatly stacked sections, I had this understanding finally of what people get out of building things themselves…there’s that pride isn’t there?, in the finished article….and I wanted me a piece of that. Wood glue, dowelling, wood screws, screw drivers, hammer, fully charged electric drill, coffee…I was finally ready….not only ready though, there was this something new…think I’m reflection it’s called determination…and not was I determined!!!!😁.

Section one…..

Screw the three shelves to one side panel🤔, …..Have you ever tried doing this folks?, Especially while trying not to let the full weight of each shelf droop, splitting the wood….(doing this single handed even for someone ambidextrous) is not as easy as it first seems. But necessity is the mother of all invention…I utilised my pouffe, I found resting the weight of the shelves against it allowed me to work on the next one, I busied myself with gluing, then onto screwing each section..I didn’t rush the job at hand, I took my time and considered each and every task…Ok something’s went on back to front momentarily 😊🙄 yes I found it is important especially for aesthetic purposes. I also had by now, glue in places you never want to find glue….😁, but with trousers gradually slipping down, (the pockets being full of screws, panel pins and other essentials work stuffs, I had that whole builders cleavage thing going on at the back there😁😁😁😁😁,. Whistling a non sensical tune to myself as I channelled the carpenters of old throughout the family, my ancestors, looking to my grandfather and father before me… Before long I had only gone and done it folks!!!, completed my mission,

Stood about me, amongst the residual mess was in fact a very solid and substantial piece of furniture, and yes it took some forethought, some rehashing after I messed up….but that was a mere twice folks😁..On the whole it hadn’t taken that much effort on my part..I could not get this huge grin off my face as busied myself about clearing up the mess, With my back by now protesting furiously,…but I no longer cared….in fact I didnt give a stuff..I had made something for my home, my nest…what’s more it looks really good, dare I say professional even,i think I dare😊😊😊😊…even as I leant my full weight upon it, it didn’t move Even the slightest…

I then began the thankless task of clearing up the debris, I couldn’t allow my brand new wonderful bookcase to live in amongst clutter, After hoovering throughout, clearing the dust, I had by now found the perfect spot for its location, …..Once placed I begin placing my books up the shelves…and no the they didn’t collapse, droop or now in the middle, this was the perfect home for my Bronte collection, classic fairy tales, who now live alongside my CJ Samson collection, game of thrones, and others…upon the top in pride of place sits my Case record player, ready and waiting to play my ever growing collection of Vinyl should I so choose, …

Each and every time I walk out into the living room, my eyes are met by the sturdy bookcase, the same one I put together, filled with trepidation and often doubt of my ability,…but it’s no longer just a bookcase, it’s a constant reminder to have faith in yourself, after all what’s the worst that can happen…you may fail but if you keep at it eventually you will succeed also, As my favourite speech by Theodore Roosevelt begins….It’s not the Critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the Arena….And now days the thing with living alone is I find myself more and more in that Arena…As my confidence and learning grow daily from this, I’m finding I grow alongside it….keep that faith alive inside yourself folks, Stay well and be careful out there…….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌺

The cake that was…..😁

Sunday afternoon was being it’s usual sleepy slow self, nothing much occurs in this tiny languorous Cul de sac, basking in the late afternoon August sunshine, the only sounds to be heard were the distant tune of a far off ice cream van and the pigeons splashing boisterously about in their freshly filled bird bath….I lay reading in my cool shady back bedroom away from the heat, A soft breeze flicking the yellow rose curtains at the open window, I have grown quite accustomed to this new found stillness, infact so much so I jumped physically when my phone let out an unwelcome ping to shatter the silence… It was however as it turned out to be a nice surprise, My friend Debbie checking in on me, making sure I still drew breath, its Good to know that other than Sage and the pigeons my demise would be noticed, before I vanished totally off this mortal coil for good😁, She preceded to ask whether I would like to go out for one of our coffee and cake outting in the week, This of course is a more rhetorical question really, because cake refusal can only ever mean but one thing regarding me!!!!, I’ve got some diabolical deadly sickness, like a Tsetse fly bit me in the night and I’ve developed some huge glowing red appendage smack in the middle of my forehead, Maybe I’ve contracted Bubonic plague, Barbados flu, Gangrene, Distemper, hardpad or all of the above….😊

There be people out there!!!!

We back and forth with suitable days, before settling finally on that coming Thursday morning, I always look forward to these small adventures deep down once I’ve moaned about it of course, but then I am British😊….it’s just the actual getting myself ready part that I find hardest, not that I’ve a large extensive wardrobe to go through, nor am I the Imelda Marcos of the shoe world…it’s just I have to shower, find something halfway decent enough to be seen out in public kind of thing….oh well the allure of cake proves powerful enough of an incentive, of course Debbies well aware of this 😊, don’t you just love cake? Even the word is scrumptious 😁😁 sighs!!! it’s my one true weakness,

Thursday morning arrives….

I wake up early mainly because I loathe rushing about readying myself, I achieved it without too much of a kerfuffle, . Once ive located the house keys, I open my front door ready for Debbie,s imminent arrival, this buys me a few minutes in which to shuffle about doing anything last minute…As I mentally go over that last minute to do list…A small soft voice from out of nowhere calls yoohoo hello!!!!!, I look about the room, Sage my noble Budgie sidekick is a brilliant talker, but this is a feminine voice, clear in pitch without Sages usual vocals….only leaves my plants and I know I converse with them daily, but if they’ve started to say hello or good morning in reply this is surely cause for concern right?..Maybe I’m just getting better at talking to myself!😊😊😊😊😊, but no, there it is again! …what the actual baby cheeses is occurring!!!!!?😁

An unfamiliar face suddenly appears at my front door, like an apparation, …unsure who this stranger is im at first a little perturbed, after the initial shock i remember my manners, returning the hello as I walk toward the open front door, A lady is stood there, her large taupe handbag slung over one arm, her hand clenched fistlike as if to form a barrier from it slide off, .On looking at the face before me I find it warm, a cheerfulness I find of interest… Slightly lined, but the lines are soft, cheeks smooth, dark brown eyes meet mine and at once crinkle at the corners,. A beautiful smile plays across this new face, She introduced herself before slightly turning to her left, she puts a hand out to include her silent friend I hadn’t until then noticed…Both ladies are immaculately dressed, in that Sunday best,off to church type apparel…Its only then it dawns on me, too late of course !!!!! They are infact Jehovah’s witnesses, now I’ve nothing against them, but they do like to talk at me,….My face being the proverbial open book shows everything… I am though immediately sorry, for they have their job to do and I can at least remain friendly….Manners maketh the personage and all that…😁

The first lady looks back to me before starting up a conversation I hadn’t expected at all… Her focus is on the array of odd sized tubs and pots I keep under my sitting room window…She said “I was telling my friend here I thought I had spotted some Swiss Chard growing in amongst your flowers”…, I can’t help but smile now as I’m justly proud of the brightly coloured stalks of the what is in fact rainbow Chard,. Their deep green broad leaves poking up betwixt the crimson flowers of my favourite geraniums, Orange, yellow and deep red stalks contrasting wonderfully, …I take time out then, to show off the dark purple flowers of my runner beans, who have somehow managed to wrap themselves about lone sunflower, tall waving pale green leaves of celery plants sharing planters with delicate ballerina type fuchsia flowers, Chives, basil, mint and parsley neighbouring showy bright pink flowering Pelagonia, self set strawberries cropping up Willy nilly where ever and whenever they choose😁, Orange, yellow, and red tomatoes clashing violently with their sweet clove scented Carnations pot mates… The ladies at once remark how unusual it is for vegetables to be grown along with flowers, I in truth had never thought about it, I do it because space is somewhat limited, roughly about 8ft by 2ft…where I keep my half a dozen pots…it works wonderfully, the strong scented leaves of Geranium protecting the chard and herbs…it also looks pretty darn good, and I for one like it😁, it appeals to my sense of disorganised organisation…it does also to my new acquaintances, although she was still a little amused if I’m honest 😁….

About five minutes later Debbie arrived, she’s already spotted the Jehovah ladies straight off the bat, no fooling Debbie… And instead of a lighting the car as per usual she sits firmly trying to hide in plain sight, for we all know that people sat in cars have an invisibility cloak built in, and are almost always unseen to the naked eye, hence the amount of nose mining you see while people drive alone….I raise a hand across to note I’ve spotted her, she’s firmly ensconced in the drivers seat either pretending to check her phone or she’s about to ring me giving me the option to extricate myself from the ladies… But it’s not needed Debbie,s spotted by the dear ladies who at once take their leave, merrily waving to me as they walk away, still talk of my strange approach to mixed gardening can be heard….. It was an odd sort of day, I had maybe converted them, not the other way around😁.

I grab my keys from the door, pick up my phones and bag, check the door is indeed locked for the tenth time, then We are soon making our way to find the nearest available watering hole and that all important cake supply… We pass through several quaint villages in our pursuit of all things cake…As long as I’ve lived here I never tire of looking at the creamy yellow Yorkstone cottage exteriors, the pretty garden borders or the fern covered garden walls, it’s like time has halted, capturing these scenes for all time, My mind often plays tricks, at these moments, I expect to see a ladies in Victorian attire climb into a waiting carriages, or gossiping with others on street corners…but alas there’s none.

Finally we come to our destination, it’s the Quaintest little tea room, all bay windows, bunting and hanging baskets,…a typical example of British tea rooms everywhere.. it maybe early yet, but already a healthy throng is gathering outside the open door….I’m immediately somewhat anxious that we wont be able to find a table or at least someplace to sit….but I need not of worried for just inside the garden gates, there’s the perfect spot at a white round wrought iron table for two….it’s a little rickety but serviceable all the same, I plonk myself down upon the nearest seat, Poor Debbie has drawn the short straw and braves an ever growing queue, As I wait Im taking in the surroundings, it’s placed directly next to a pretty little ford…an ancient arched bridge spans the waterway,it’s terracotta brickwork peppered with dew laden mosses ,ferns and dandelions, ..I note straight off for a tiny village cafe it’s kept exceptionally busy….

My favourite past time of people watching begins in earnest as I wait, it seems like a wonderful meeting place for local friends and families, dogs were also welcome, many still covered in water droplets from that impromptu swim in the fast running shallow waterway…pink tongues loll, grinning happy faces as panting dogs dart to greet anyone within their path, no one minds either…there’s dogs of all breeds and size, all off lead, playing and sniffing around the tables, it dawns on me, these too must be old friends as not one scuffle breaks out the whole time I’m there….I put my hand out to caress the silky smooth coat, of a amber eyed liver and white Spaniel…it turns wiggling its whole body with enthusiasm, brushing its wet coat against my legs, Tillys owner calls her away, apologising profusely, I put my hand up and smile to let her know it’s fine, in fact it’s more than fine…but too late an obedient Tilly has long gone….

Even though there’s no where near enough tables to cater for the ever increasing numbers, most are happy to perch somewhat precariously upon the narrow stone wall, backs to the water..this puts me ill at ease straight off, as edges, heights are still an existing phobia of mine, I try not to look, but of course, this is never going to work as my eyes are repeatedly drawn back, almost magnetically to the very spot..I can feel my anxiety levels build as people walk close to those sat on the wall(my imagination kicks into overdrive, I’ve already got these poor folk pushed into the water screaming and drowning in the far to shallow depths to drown an ant😊, all by evil passers by I just know it!!!!!) …shaking the unwelcome vision from my head, i pick up my phone, distracting myself with taking pictures of the protruding wall ferns, I identified at least three of wonderfully named plants as Harts tongue, Wall rue and Maidenhair spleenwort😊, all growing very healthily in between the bricks mortar…by the time that’s losing its allure, Debbies back carrying a heavily laden tray of goodies….

Cake……

My eyes are locked onto the delicate China tea plates, both of which have a huge slice of the lightest sponge cake in creation, I can tell before Debbies lifted it from the flower covered tray I’m going to love it…As a connoisseur of all things cake I can hardly wait to taste it’s deliciousness, I look at the tiny tiny silver cake fork, I’m already aware this will be a trial of cake etiquette, I’m longing to pick up my slice of heaven,and devour this glorious moist homage to lemon and blueberry cake, the whole world over, but I dont, I’m good, I pick up the doll sized fork and delicately pop ladylike sized portions into my mouth….but it’s worth everything, I’m in rapture, I’m sure Debbies talking someplace off in the distance, people still pass by in a blur, the world still turns…but I’m lost, seduced by a rich creamy lemon butter cream icing, the sugary confection has it’s way with me, before gate crashing rudely into my euphoria….it’s been weeks since I had sugar of any kind, most likely months actually!…so the effect is swift,….combine this with the strong caffeine packed coffee and I’m on one loaded high baby, the walls are climbed,…..I no longer care about the folks sat on the wall, or the edges, I hear nothing, see little else other than the fast vanishing cake….I look across to Debbies plate, wondering if I could get away with grabbing her slice before she eats it….too late alas, Debbie equally loves cake…and there’s just a few remaining crumbs to say it even ever existed…. damn!!!!!….. What ever your doing this week folks, enjoy your cake….I mean yourselves and take care of you ❤🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🌺

Dear Wednesday Diary….

As you know from my last missive, pain is a huge factor in my daily life, although I am without doubt the most stubborn baggage, never giving into woe or malaise for than a minute, (roughly around the half an hour mark before the mischievous mind monkeys spur me into some kind of action, they lead me astray terribly,doesn’t take much😊… Last week it was up doing a rather large cumbersome neglected, chest of drawers, I had little clue what I was actually doing or trying to achieve even, but I bought them on a whim.. despite this lack of training in all things woodworking wizardry, the finished result pleased me greatly and well worth putting myself through things a more sensible person wouldn’t have done…but I have infact never once claimed to be sensible, (thank goodness😊. This week however as well as a pretty piece of now dark stained, wood varnished furniture, complete with sunflower knobs ohhhh errr mrs😁, Bedecked in butter yellow organza ribbon…. I ache everywhere and there’s a tiredness im struggling to compete with, I fight it in the mornings and complete what I can before the caffeine effect where’s off and it takes over, I give in slifhtly but never completely😊. That’s just not me🙄😊😊😊😊.

The book reader…

Last year I read over a hundred books, before closing the covers on that very last upon the 31st of January, it took me down some twisty turny pathways, Some of the books were without doubt the most captivating reading I have ever had the pleasure to come across, One of these being “The Book list by Nisha Adams”, which as the name suggests encourages you to read books from the author’s list, while doing so you become immersed into the characters lives and stories, it was an emotional read and I was left wanting more at the last page…, the first book on the list happened to be without doubt the most memorable for me .. The Kite Runner by Khalid Hosseini, I was told by many this would prove a challenge, it dealt with many of humanities failings, but for the most although it covers some difficult things to come to terms with, its also a stunning read, so descriptive, colourful and vibrant… For a short while I lived in Afghanistan among her people, alongside Amir the main character inbetween those pages, felt the heat, the scent of baked earth while sat under the shade of the old pomegranate tree in the late afternoons, The author weaving magic with word, for me to form my own pictures, once again I was left hungry for more, so I followed on from this with A thousand splendid suns again by Khalid Hosseini, both books thoughtfully written and the rarest Gems ….

Since last year though I have struggled to find reading material, most books for woman, (thats written with us in mind), follow a similar if not the very much the same Genre…Girl meets boy, they loathe one another from the start, neither have any money until the girl gets left untold wealth by great aunt Delilah twice removed who she’s never met before, let alone heard of until this point…this means they can finally fall hopelessly madly in love,(oh please!!) buy that huge mansion house in the sunny climes of Outter Essex, before riding off into the sunset on his Camel Harold!!…in reality what’s the chances of this happening, I crave reality, strong remarkable characters…Again I’m sorry but after reading about Airy Fairy stories since childhood, I want something with more substance, something that feeds my over imagination😊, gives me that basic road map then allows my natural GPS to lose myself between the pages, I want surprising, alluring, seducing ever onward….And these Chic lit comics leave me cold and unsatisfied… It’s like eating a large take away full of MSGs, its maybe ok at the time but in half hour I’m back hungry, 😊, it bores me with its tedium, there’s nothing to set my pulse racing or my mind into full overdrive….

While still in recovery mode on Monday from the escapades of recycling, upcycling or whatever that is my drawers…(no euphemism intended) ok maybe a little😁, I chanced upon another good book quite by accident..I was actually looking for pumpkin spice coffee syrups believe it or not as you do!😁,…Once in a while though “the Zon”(Amazon) come along with a jewel of a reading suggestion.,some real rubbish too, but there was something about the title that drew me in from the beginning…”The book keepers daughter” by Kim Michele Richardson…a fabulous read from the first to last page, it takes you into the wilds of Eastern Kentucky, weaving historical fact amongst fiction…I loved her main character, Honey , despite life’s cruelty shes firey, brave showing extraordinary courage in one so young, especially in the face of adversity…she was just 15 when both her parents are cruelly ripped away and thrown into prison…even with this you can’t help but admire her as the story unfolds…

Honey is left in the loving charge of an elderly neighbour Retta, who at 92 is still spry and spicy…she’s known Honey since birth, often minding her while her parents worked…Honeys mother Cussy, at one point had the very respectable job of Book woman…(travelling librarian) across parts of Kentucky some being extremely remote and difficult to access via road, it became the local book woman’s job to transport books on horseback to outback farms and cabins, it was a reliable job bringing word and much needed literature to those cut off from others …Set in the early fifties most didn’t have a telephone let alone a Television…reading was their only form of entertainment.

A name is mentioned throughout the story “The Fugates”, ..a family of folk living with an extremely rare blood disorder called Methemoglobinemia, they thrive and are healthy in every respect, it’s just their blood colour, its not being the same as yours and mine …Theirs being more of a brown colour, this ironically give their pigment, skin tone a blue tint…On reading this I found myself with the urge to Google for more information about the name Fugate..and sure enough to my surprise there it was in black and white, alongside many facts about Methemoglobinemia, it existed, Coming over originally with the founder of the Fugate family, one fifteen year old orphan boy called Martin…this clever author weaves us a story about the life of the bookwoman and her family which although is fictitious, it’s filled also with historical facts, you learn about the remote Appalachian trails, it’s people…this book fills you full of frustration, wonder and colour…feeding the mind along the way ….

I read this captivating book in a record breaking day, yup that’s quick even for me, I confess I just could not move away from it, I needed to know how Honeys life would unveil, not only hers, but characters like moonshine distiller Devil John, who despite his law breaking was a lovable rogue., Fire watcher Pearl up in her lofty home tower above the tree canopy, this writer with her extraordinary blend of fact and fiction stole a complete day away with her talent and I didn’t begrudge one second….I followed this book by one of the books mentioned the Awakening by Kate Chopin which I enjoyed immensely, since these I have blitzed through uncle Tom’s cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe, and following this on with Anne of Green Gables just for some diversity….reading as a child bought me adventure, escapism, joy….I guess that part of me still exists…I need that escapism as much today as I did back then….what ever your doing folks make sure you take time out for you…slip off your shoes, make a cuppa, open a window and let the air play upon your skin, breathe and just be….your worth it!!!!!!, Take care of you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🌺

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Costochondritis…..oh my dearest dearest diary!!!….

Costochondritis, no it’s not a curse word, and please I would prefer it not to have to pronounce that or spell it again🙄😊, Why is it these type of things have ridiculously long Latin names to begin with,? it takes me all day to remember the spelling, let alone the correct way to pronounce it…… imagine this Your sat in an awful pain flare, then Picture trying to discuss this with your doctor or others in the medical profession, Saying the very word takes you half a day to get it said….😊, Where do you start?, There their sat in their comfy chair in the meantime beside themselves with hysteria at your poor miss pronunciation, trying hard to hide behind a hand or computer screen, wondering do they dare have the audacity to ask you to repeat it again?🙄😊😊😊😊…..I digress, this thing happens every once in a while for me…it’s nothing nice, movement limiting, and more to the point exceptionally painful and I just don’t wanna do it!!!!!, so what is it? Oh my giddy knickers, here goes…Costochondritis is the medical term for inflammation of the Cartilage which not only joins your ribs to breast bone or sternum, (as you know cartilage is a spongy buffer like connective tissue, sort of shock absorbers, cushioning our joints, ….This latest flare began late Sunday afternoon,.. I had dropped off to sleep amidst reading my latest book (Uncle Toms cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe) … On waking up roughly half an hour later I felt stiff and sore, a puddle of drool, attractively making its way down my chin before pooling upon a now very wet pillowcase, I felt the pain in the centre of my chest almost immediately,.. All I knew was it hadn’t been present before falling asleep…

First thought coming to mind, in my sleep induced state was, please not another Angina attack, As my weary brain gradually slipped back into fully function mode, I noted it would feel worse if I tried to move in certain positions,, this was somewhat comforting …..It had still been years since my last Costowotsit flare and I couldn’t make out what I had done to induce this latest…that recollection would come later🙄, what I did know standing, sitting, laying well just about anything bought about pain…immense pain…Even breathing, call me daft but I am rather fond of breathing for some reason…I lay on my side shifting positions until I found one that allowed for the least amount of hurting,…. That’s how I stopped for most of that afternoon and evening, I cursed under my breathe at the slightest movement, Even more so for the over indulgence of two large coffees I had partaken of only that morning, followed swiftly by two ginger teas, because right now I had other problems… And I was going to have to face it sooner rather than later…In fact somewhat urgently!

Part of me could not wait for 10pm to come around, why?, Simply put, 10pm is the time I can take two of the precious pain killers I ration strictly for myself…I have always been able to do this pain thing throughout the days, it’s part of the daily routine, shower, coffee, make up, chores….oh and pain!!!!, I do it well , some would say a little too well if anything!, But at night when my overly active mind, runs riot, and sleep is something mainly done by others, it’s for some reason harder to tolerate…I guess it’s those long silent lonely hours, without anything to occupy ones self with, I feel I should lay still until sleep eventually catches up with me..A clock upon the wall just behind me, ticks out loudly it’s measurement of time, every hour on the hour it sounds out another failure to commit to sleep, the hourly bird song mocking me., It would seem to me going through increased pain in amongst this really isn’t that appealing.. But right at this time it’s only 5pm, thats five whole long more hours, a long time when hurting is your only bedfellow..I know I can do it, but I move my position ever so gingerly, there another sharp pain comes suddenly, catching me through the chest before coming out into my back…it’s almost like the front of my chest is trying to tangle up with my spine, pressure builds, now if I could just move a certain way to unlock it, that pressure would release maybe?…but I know all to well it wont…and I cant…

The worst part is being forced to be immobile for immeasurable lengths of time, I despise laying still, but choice isn’t mine right now so I go back to trying to concentrate on my book,…Over the next for days either the intensity of pain eases to discomfort or I’ve grown accustomed now, Costochondritis I find is a wonderful gift with endless giving, for example take lifting up the kettle….instead of taking one arm ….now I have to use both, in some strained joint effort, in fact I have to swing my whole body into a strange almost mechanical momentum in order to achieve something I and most of us think little of usually…even so I cannot escap that sudden central sharp pain…but finally achieve an inch of water in my kettle..I will by hook or by crook have my morning coffee today…I add a large spoonful of Manuka honey into my cup, in some vain hope it’s antibiotic properties will fight off the fast becoming infected swollen tissue in the central region of my chest, doing anything made rivulets of sweat trickle down my spine, i burn up with a low grade fever…but coffee will help this surely…it normally cures all…or makes it more doable at least, I love the restorative power of caffeine😊…..

The following four days are harsh, I dislike immensely not being able to care for myself,( I’m super independent), I avoid clambering into the bath to shower, making do with washing twice daily instead, the waters cool and feels wonderful upon my burning skin…doing anything has become increasingly difficult, because I’m by now shallow breathing, every thing takes more effort, it leaves me frustrated more than worried, because I cannot follow my normal routine and to someone who lives a solitary existence, routine is everything…I dislike greatly how disorganised my usually tidy little homes becoming, in a fit of pique im almost tempted to research local cleaners….I say almost because without even googling the matter, I know me, for I know already without a shadow of a doubt, I would attempt to clean before the cleaner got here, then there’s no way on mother nature’s green earth I could sit by watching someone else clean my house… it feels unnatural, out of balance..I know I would berate myself massively when they left, feeling idol and lazy…so I try not to let the disorder taunt me…I don’t do well at this, my anxiety levels peek along with a visit from the screaming blacks(depression)…

Laying alone in the night as the silence slowly engulfs me I feel the darkness bare down upon me, in its momentum it gathers up pace, I feel it sinking first in the darker corners, about my head before it’s cloying weight covers over me trying to submerge me, drown me…I’m a fighter of old, I lay silent allowing it to do its worst, although tired I’m also angry at its audacity to bait me…I sigh shut my eyes and say aloud to no one in particular bring it on buddy!!!!Because I feel I know it well enough to call it that by now…nightmares torment, the fevers soak my sheets and skin, but the pain meds dull the central ache enough for sleep to finally claim me…I don’t argue!….

Thursday…

It’s either day four or five now, my minds way too distracted to do the math, and quite frankly I care not enough to bother…but though the pains dissipated somewhat it’s still there in the background…the fever also, I’m doing whats necessary about the house, it’s not my exacting standard but it is what is and I’m not doing the best job at telling myself to relax, it can wait…I’m a terrible nag…even to myself😊. This mix of EDS, (Ehlers Danlos syndrome) and OCD isn’t a winning combination, it’s another night time torment screaming into the early hours.

I’m not sure how others cope with that raging nagging voice deep from within, goading it’s unwilling victim into action, but I find it almost impossible to silence it, regardless of the further damage I do to myself as I push my pained body ever onward passed it boundaries, I’m harder on myself than I would be anyone I know, I spur myself into action with words like stop being lazy don’t be bone idol, those are only the ones I can write here for fear of causing offence….It’s even more unhelpful that our former prime minister’s words fill the media daily with the vile unhelpful words, Those on sickness benefits are idol, our days spent languishing on disability benefits….those of us genuinely disabled(whether mentally/ physically or both) do not need to carry another heavy burden alongside our Ill health, we are already filled with self loathing for the bodies that enable these failings, …far from languishing, (oh how I wish I could bloody languish), this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life…I’m torn by that innate sense of self preservation, working at coasting my body through yet another day, month or year, or giving into it one or all of its various afflictions…it’s a much hidden dilemma the sick face daily….Dont get me started on the need to dodge the bullets of guilt that explode suddenly from out of nowhere when least expected, like watching your neighbours and families work….

I too worked for as long as was possible, and would do anything to join the work force once more, for now though I’m left without choice as I face criticism for doing what everyone of us does naturally daily survives…enough from me today folks, take care of you and enjoy the coming weekend…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌺

Dear mum….

It has been roughly fourteen years now if I recall correctly, since I last sat upon the floor in your living room arranging flowers in a heavy lead Crystal glass vase, light flooding in through the large white framed window, making air glitter of floating miniscule dust motes, Curtains pulled back to allow full view of birds flocking down to the table for food upon the lawn. Steam swirling upward from coffee cups just freshly filled.. The light behind you as you sat in your favourite chair, the self same brown leather recliner you had hated just months previous,now loved, your face blurred by sunlight…but I knew you were smiling all the same.

Thursday

Today is Thursday mum, do remember going shopping every Thursday morning?, of Course you do, The once weekly outing you disliked immensely, but tolerated somehow because it meant spending time with your sisters, getting out the house, plus seeing the outside world even momentarily, You would arrive back totally drained of energy, trying hard to hide the pain written on your face none the less, but I always felt it, You never once complained, but I heard it regardless… Well I’ve decided to adopt Thursday’s for going out whether consciously or not… Just like you I loath that whole getting ready process, Somehow its the worse part, for whatever reason, but as I get dressed I hear your voice clearly in my ear, ” I’m worn out before I go Theresa”, now I both know and appreciate what it took for you to join the real world even fleetingly… I too have to force this leaving the safe confines of my nest, face up to the outdoor world beyond my front door..as much as it tires me, I recognise that ive fallen out of step with my fellow human beings, their noise hurting my ears, the pace a tad too fast and all at once im longing for home even well before I’ve even left….but the cabs booked, in fact has been since Tuesday, making choice now redundant, I had finally got round to packing up some parcels for friends and that of course involves a trip to the dreaded post office…

My clothes were put out ready the night before, all I really have to do is shower, dress and do those last minute checks, keys, phones, power pack, wallet, bank card, I repeat my check list over and over in my head, admonishing myself as I go…I know everything’s ready, I’m ready, but still I can’t refrain from going over it once more “to be safe”….(I still don’t feel safe). It’s 9:45am, the cabs due outside by 10….and even though I know I’m going to receive a text any minute saying it’s en route.. When the awaited ping!!! happens on my phone, my caffeine/ adrenalin fuelled body reacts immediately ..I startle, my heart pumps that beat quicker…the cabs on its way…no turning back now Treez! This involves another checking ritual…..

I was as most know severely Agoraphbic at one point in my life, and I’m consciously aware that I could all too easily slide back into its clutches, that safe deep cavern it’s hard to climb out of, this is me fighting back believe it or not!….fighting yet another battle, when theres others that need my attention and I’m unsure which way to turn..where do i concentrate my limited energy ?…I wing it as always…if at first you don’t know which way to go then put on a brave face to the world and pretend until you do..it’s an act I’ve perfected…I smile constantly, knowing inside there’s a whole different me, (a child like me and she’s feeling trapped)…I try hard to appease her with offered up pointless platitudes…it won’t be long, we,’ll soon be back home to our nest of soft fleece blankets, cooling fans, and semi darkness….(the light outside is harsh to an already over stimulated brain, the noise is overwhelming physically hurting my ears…there’s that smile again, more like partially clenched teeth I’m sure, but i,’ll take it😁, As I slip into the air conditioned, cream leather interior of the waiting taxi and greet Adam my driver, the Theresa show begins in earnest…

I chatter nervously on what is to be only a very short journey, looking out of the window at the pretty bordered gardens in full bloom, with their immaculate manicured lawns, distraction is a great thing my friends, I know my mother did exactly this…(she once told me)…I used to love a car ride, now it’s just a vehicle to carry me away from my home….the phone loses connection with Jesse which as we know sets off a whole other chain of events for me, I ring him back and am instantaneously relieved with an answer, we pull up outside of the tiny family run sub post office, as I leave the cab behind I’m gratified to see the post office for once is empty..I am their only customer thank goodness, this should be a breeze right?…..No because the lovely wee man behind the desk informs me he’s new on the job, his first day, he hasn’t done parcels..especially airmail….arghhhhhhhhhhhh! A voice let’s rip like an unwelcome sudden explosion in my head… after just a few minutes, I find myself fighting with the urge to run!!! escape!!!!, Let’s go!!, It seems he wasn’t joking with the being inexperienced….just don’t ask, no please dont!…but I’m patient despite the fresh adrenalin surges washing over me, I look behind me constantly, one eye glued upon the automated doors at all times …after repeating the spelling of Jesse’s address four or five more times, my address, phone number, post code …knicker size I feel we should add him to our Christmas card list, it’s not his fault I appreciate that so wait quietly….when I look behind me again there’s an impatient queue glaring at me…eyes burning deeply into the back of my skull, ..I’m almost to scared to get out my other two packages from my bag..but I’m here and we are going to do this!!!!! I hear them begin to groan…and I shrivel up inside….I find myself apologising profusely, for what I still don’t know? It’s not my fault either but do it any how.

My back and legs hurt terribly by the time I leave, and taking the two minute walk is harsh, but achieved all the same. As I go through the double doors to the shop entrance, I’m greeted by bucket upon bucket of fresh flowers of every hue and variety…I’m drawn to them instantly, memories still clear and fresh in my mind, memories of the weekly bunches of flowers I bought and arranged for mum. I long so much to do this that my chest constricts and a lump forms in my throat,. Unaware Im doing it I select a bunch of bright yellow carnations, followed by a gorgeous bouquet of perfect white roses, Smiling to myself I put them in my shopping cart…mothers on my mind so much of late, I feel her and fathers loss most keenly, their counsel most of all…while sat at home later that same morning arranging the small bunchs of flowers, I’m back in the warmth of my childhood home, laughing with mum about something we watched on tv the night before…the smell of coffee, flowers and Youth dew perfume filling the sunlit room…although I can no longer sit in her presence I feel her everywhere, every day, in all I do….including my hard won battles and adventures, most definitely the wilds of shopping, will always miss you mum. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹., Stay safe folks and be careful out there💛💛💛💛💛🐦

I sometimes wonder about me..Dear Diary..

Yesterday was one of those awful Gawd blimy days, (you know the ones? I don’t have to bore you with detailed explanations) but to the uninitiated of you on the planet…that’s an awkward kind of day, nothing goes to plan, if there ever was a plan to begin with, add to this my pain levels joining in, thanks mainly to the high humidity(thanks planet!) I just did not under any circumstances want to move, Even after several large thermos mugs of extra strong coffee, I felt let down massively, as pleasurable as they were at the time.,. Switching on the news just proved to depress me further still, Riots across the nation, wars, crashes on the stock market,surely this must be the excuse I need to hide in bed for the day, maybe forever!!!!?…,, In the end I opt for playing mindless games on my tablet, while i wait patiently for that sudden caffeine inebriated zing moment to take effect,….there was to be absolutely no zing, nothing, not a blooming thing!!!!, There wasn’t even a half hearted attempt at a zing….I look down at the remaining dregs in my last cup for the day with some disappointment and disgust,(traitor!) all at once I feel let down…what now?, My eyes travel about the dull lit room, before settling on my phone…ok this calls for some serious assistance, I need to achieve the bare minimum today, Maybe even some half heartedly flicking of the tickling stick…(no nothing rude to see here folks it’s just a feather duster honest!), I could try pretending to wash up the odd cup maybe?, hang out the laundry on the line?hmmm…none of this is doing a thing to bring me out this suffocating malaise.. The opposite if anything, who gets excited about laundry anyhow?.. Oh yeah that will be just me then!!!..

I want to lay about unwashed,unfed, and underwhelmed, waiting for jolly little chirpy Sparrows!, Robins!, pigeons and bunnies to come bounding through the open window and set about cleaning house, Singing tuneful little ditties as they go….course this only happens in Disney, Knowing my luck they would only trash the flat have wild Raves, doubling up my electric bill, annoy the neighbours with Rap music, eat my food then fertilize the rugs… this vision doesn’t appeal at all either .. Frustrated finally i cram my ear buds into my ears turning the volume up, highhhh!…..

Whether it was the coffee having a slower than normal trickle effect or the music, I will never know, but I decide to set about the kitchen … Opening up the Windows before hand, in some small hope of catching a passing breeze…😁😁 it passes alright ….me right by utterly, completely😁,. Spotify on random select, volume up full blast im good to go! now where to start?, I put on the laundry, clean the what’s laughingly called the work surface, all three feet of it…random songs come up as I work!!! One minute Benson Boone, followed immediately by Diana Ross yeah there’s no rhyme or reason to my very eclectic play list…I’m getting into my groove here doing a wee twerp or is that twerk🤔? I never know😁, but all at once I’m compelled completely to belt out the next song, there’s no fighting it!!, no going back!!!!, I’m having the time of my absolute life, twerkifying all over the place, spatula in hand, as a make shift mike…and what you may ask am I doing a glorious rendition of…..Face down xss up(thats the way we like to xxxx…by Deja vous) don’t shoot me here, it’s on my physio exercise play list….no honest it really is….anyway I’m giving it my all….when we get to the chorus, I in turn get spectacular….I’m zoning honey!!!!, Then too my absolute horror a flash of postmans uniform goes by my kitchen window…which if you remember is flung wide… I turn my head fast just in time to see a grinning face, to my horror as I remove one embedded earbud, I hear his raucous laugh…oh Lord why does this always happen to me?….what do I do to deserve this? Ok no answers necessary here folks!…..but even before I can regain any form of dignity there’s a ring on my doorbell…. Yes you’ve guessed it…there stands my regular postie…two letters in one hand, his other wiping stray tears from his still grinning face…mine on the other hand is beetroot red..I thank him already knowing he could have very well of put them in the letter box….but no he wanted to see me squirm…!! I cannot shut the door fast enough…..

If this wasn’t enough, on Saturday afternoon my love not having slept particularly well the night before, decides a nap is in order…while he’s resting I decide to tackle a few put off tasks in the garden at the back of the flat…it was fast becoming a wildlife paradise, pretty enough agreed, but neither not practical or something my landlord would take to willingly, pruning sheers to the ready, I go about cutting back any unwieldy shrubbery, I’ve no plans to fashion some wondrous topiary shapes or animal form….I’m just hacking it back with gusto…branches and limbs flying through the air….my arms scratched and bleeding, but I don’t care, I stand back admiring my handy work..it looks !!!Erm ok, better at least…after just half an hour though I’m soaked through to the skin and need a drink, so decide enough is enough for today,

I rinse my sticky face and neck with delicious cool water, taking particular care to wash the cuts upon my arms, before grabbing a bottle of cold water from the fridge, I walk back into the room just in time to find Jesse waking up…he stretches before looking my way…I’m still a little self conscious of the fact I’m hot and sticky….he smiles and asks, “What have you been up to”?, Between greedy gulps of water not missing a beat I answer….”Just been out in the back garden hun cutting back my bush”, “I’m afraid it had become way to over grown and unwieldy, took some doing too, I’m sweltering”, wiping my brow for effect….Jesse half asleep at first says ohhh good!, Then after this had penetrated his sleep befuddled mind…he looks puzzled, wait you were doing what!???????, I answer matter quite of factly….”Just cutting back my bush, our the back love”!!!!, It looks better now, tidy at least, I didn’t shape it though”. He and Paul my upstairs neighbour stood outside my window(open of course) unlocking he’s door.. choke in tandom…. What I say? and a by now laughing Jesse, says oh nothing darling…”I’m glad you have that sorted now though, a load of your mind”….took me a while but I cottoned on….I really shouldn’t be allowed near any polite society I’m lethal….Anyhow folks that’s enough of my chatter before I say something I regret, take care of yourselves out there, stay safe….💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦