Monday.

About a month ago now, or there about I think it roughly was, we made the decision that maybe constant cleaning of black mould from around windows, doors and ceilings was not such an appropriate exercise plan for me, myself. Jesse and my friend, Debbie, thought it time that I look into searching for a bigger dehumidifier. (Maybe industrial sized would fix it 😁) I have two small ones going round the clock (which I empty three times weekly) but still the mould relentlessly came. I tried bleaching it which, in my humble opinion, only encouraged it. Mould, it seems, likes a nice clean growing space. 😁 And while I don’t mind the smell, every room stinking like a swimming pool isn’t quite the nice fresh scent I try to induce about my home.

Recently Debbie and I spent a whole day battling the black creature from the bungalow, using all manner of weaponry, from ancient tooth brushes, to scouring pads, scrubbing brushes, or wire wool. One thing I can impart here, though, is that tea tree oil is fabulous for ye old mould removal. I had tried the bleach, expensive sprays, cheap sprays, even holding the odd seance for it to be gone!!!!! It was quite by accident I tried tea tree oil for its anti-fungal properties and to my surprise it actually works! But I digress somewhat, as is my norm. After much deliberation we decided to each check out the Facebook selling pages. Normally there’s a dehumidifier or three being sold off affordably. The next day Debbie was in touch. She had found one… not as cheap as I would have liked, but it had high rating on sales pages going for it. Not only this, it could, in fact, do more than one room at any one time! Seemed almost too good to be true but I decided to invest in it anyway. My health is more important, so Jesse tried hard to convince me.

It was all arranged, and what’s more the guy was even willing to deliver, which was another factor, me not driving… Next day I nervously awaited its arrival, the way things go wrong for me, I fully expected it to be broken somehow or that I wouldn’t know how to operate the blooming thing… It turned up okay, the guy not interested in showing me how it worked was off before I could even utter the words “how”? I didn’t however go into panic mode… (my usual MO). No I just sat over a coffee, looking at its numerous buttons and dials, until in my mind at least I had some sort of understanding of its uses… it’s odd up until I started living alone as much as I love gadgets, phones, tablets, anything electrical I had always stressed over how to use it, normally handing it over to one of my son’s or another… now I just keep working at it till I understand, this isn’t always instant or even in the first week, but after much trial and error, curse words abound,… a little light goes off, in this head when I get it… (And I’m proud to say now I’ve even begun to get some things straight off).

I turned on the new dehumidifier, it whirled into action, after only a couple of hours in my bedroom, the water collections drawer was full, not only full but was heavy… this fascinated me… I instantly turned it back on, for some days I was emptying it out up to four times daily… it felt instantly warmer while it worked, which was another big plus, after a week though I decided to give the filters a clean so it could to better effect… it had had a slight oily cooking residual odour about it… I washed the outside and where I could on its arrival, Now was time to brave its inner workings, at first petrified I would take it apart and break it somehow. And it was to be with some trepidation that I finally set to work… screw driver at the ready. Turns out even with the correct screwdriver I couldn’t get proper access to the huge filter in the back. I thought about this a second, then I did my bit for all woman kind😁 (ladies will get this, see woman up till now are never encouraged to tackle these jobs, well I soon had this figured out! Using a very soft two inch clean paint brush and my Hoover, I flicked outwards the dirt and dust from between the plastic grill covering the main filter. It was filthy, I ended up filthy, but it worked.

Don’t do this at home folks.

What amongst all this figuring though, I had forgotten, (slaps forehead) was to wear a mask (I know sighs). I had without a thought, care or attention, breathed in all these dust particles, dirt, dead skin cells😖, and need I say germs from who knows how long, let’s move right on quickly shall we 😁, I had gone about my days, happy that my home was at least drying out. Also I was no longer breathing in hundreds of tiny unseen black mould spores that filled my living space and even covered the kitchen work surfaces (much to my surprise and disgust). Two days after cleaning the filter, I began to show the first signs of getting sick. My nose ran, my throat became scratchy and that night I was burning up. Now if you’ve ever visited here you would know how cold it gets at night, but here I was soaked to the skin throwing off any blankets, no matter how thin. I ached from my head downwards.

At first I did my best to deny it. I don’t go out, much less have anyone in. How could this be happening? If indeed it was. I carried on with my normal routine as much as possible, ignoring the dull nagging aches, chills, or fevers. But you can only hide from these things for so long. As the days went on, the night fevers increased. Jesse had bought me a new mattress for the bed, both of us convinced that the old one was causing my pain. The new one helped. It’s lovely and supportive, but still I hurt. Time for hiding my head was to come to a rapid end, especially after my breathing became short if I was active. I didn’t want food, just drinking anything hot. This seemed to sooth my by now raw throat.

Monday morning.

On waking, I actually didn’t feel quite so bad, I had taken pain meds during the night, slept well and felt somewhat relaxed. That wasn’t to last though. I had one of my early morning coffees. (I say one, because there’s normally several throughout the day), showered, cleaned up the kitchen and plugged in my other phone while I wrote out my to do list. This phone I rarely charge. No one calls or texts so no real need. It suddenly sprang into action, screen flashing, pinging the music hurt my aching head. I picked it up, surprised, and right then and there my little world crashed around my congested head. I had just been given notice to quit the bungalow. I was too sick to really register the news properly, the shock set in sometime later! Much later!

Jesse was there thank goodness, as that’s no time to be alone. I felt sick to my stomach. I had, despite the never ending cold, out and out wars with the log burner, heating, mould… loved being here. It was my transitional home, a place to learn about myself, heal and wait till the time I get to be with Jesse. I had thought about moving on a few times, but it was just that: thought. Now I was once more homeless, without a base, an anchor. All at once exhaustion washed over me. I felt like weeping but to what end?

Since then I’m almost certain I’m on my third battle with COVID, I’ve little to no immunity, so it’s feasible, if not probable. Still in long haul from the first infection, I am amazed, if not astounded, at my body’s propensity to fight. Seems it’s as stubborn as I am. I try to keep busy during January crocheting hats for a charity. During this month I’m working on doing something for hearing dogs for the deaf. I know I need to fill my days, keep from dwelling on my health and the almost imminent move. The thought of packing, dragging stuff about alone, makes me feel old and only serves to remind me how everything is down to me.

I flick through endless pages of rental homes longing for one to speak to me, one that will feel like a home for me and Cinnamon. I worry: will I find us one in time? He’s relying on me, and I’m just longing to go back to the days when I didn’t have a care in the world… days of crafting and coffee. Now I’m beginning to wonder who the hell I peeved to be cursed so. One thing to come out of this is I no longer feel the need to comfort eat. I’m sticking to my sugar and wheat free diet, pea shoots, beet leaves, healthy salads… cooking low fat chicken recipes with Jesse. I know it will all work out for the best, it always does… it’s just when. Take care of yourselves folks. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Myself and Cinnamon (my rabbit) have been living alongside each other now for roughly eighteen months…At first I was none to sure it was fair to take in a pet, my life being so upside down at the moment..I’m still in full Covid long haul mode….some days just getting out of bed is as much as I can muster…But as lock down began its final long days.. I came across more and more pets finding themselves without a home, it tore at my heart seeing page upon page of bunnies, cats, dogs really through no fault of their own now seeking refuge(so depressing)….I was still undecided some weeks later, could I or would I cope when sick? Was I the right person?, What could I offer infact?, Even sleepless nights were involved…

But I had that one thing going for me, a vast array of animal knowledge, their needs and care, I’ve made it my place to learn, it’s taken some years but I gleaned knowledge, no how from people, books, tv, forums, but my best teachers were indeed the animals themselves, …I don’t just keep pets, I become involved in their lives, what were their needs, moods, personality…you can keep over a 100 rabbits but each is so very different..

Just when I thought I had rabbit care down to a fine art though, along came Cinnamon….he was indeed a lockdown pet, I had by this time changed my mind a dozen times about getting a pet, thinking it would be for all the wrong reasons, not fair…..that was then,. one evening some weeks later, I read a post on Facebook that touched my heart…it was to be fatal….for there was a picture of my boy, …heart racing with anxiety, with mixed emotions, I answered the add…there it was done…

Many replies asked after him, part of me hoped upon hope that someone would come along for him, the decisions out of my hands then…someone anyone would be better for him surely?…, but a few minutes later a ping happened on my private message, ….And that November night ,Cinnamon arrived, he was and is a very nervous rabbit…I suspect he has never been handled in all his three years,. And that’s where all our troubles began….he never ate any of the food that came with him, or any I was told he had before, …I tried every make ,brand of hay in existence.. From budget to gold standard….Cinnamon would not only not eat it…Oh no we took to posting it back out of our cage…couldn’t stand it near him….😮.

Now rabbits I know a lot about, mini lops(his breed) are no strangers either, I had two previously. , I know for instance they can be picky, fussy even darn right fastidious….but this bun was beyond all this….I actually thought he was going to die at one point.., His poop was full of pin worms,( yeah smashing) his coat, dull and lacklustre….he sat in one corner starring dead eyed into space…And I felt bad for him….I left him well alone, spending my days in my bedroom, …I trailed Amazon for food that looked similar to what my other lop rabbits would eat. When it arrived I filled his bowl, held my breath and went out the room once more…..

The next day I walked in, feeling some what miserable, I was letting Cinnamon down, for all my knowledge and hopes, I couldn’t help him……but imagine the sheer joy as I looked across to find not only an empty bowl, but a moving bunny….he watched me move about, showed interest , it was a start, a fantastic start and I was over joyed for us both…

As you know, I rarely, if ever leave my house, when I did, I hated walking in to the cold, baren, lifeless room….it felt so stark before….but not any more, …there was movement, sound, most importantly another life, Cinnamon quickly became something far more valuable than a pet….he was my companion….yes I have Jesse my constant, right there on my phone…but his a million miles away….his not here, loneliness ate deep into my being….I didn’t want any other human company as they wouldn’t be Jesse , But even so after years of being a mum, I needed to nurture, I needed to be needed….Cinnamon is no longer just a rabbit….he fulfils the most important function….he makes this shell of a house feel like a home,

I was to learn very quickly Cinnamon is not your average rabbit….no,.. only I could come across a rabbit that has health issues….he suffers from a thing called Gut Stassis (this is not only exceptionally painful, but can prove fatal if not careful….Cinnamon being Cinnamon any slight change can cause a fresh bout…from change of environment, to change pretty much anywhere😁, first day I put him in a run I built in our garden( because rabbits do need the great outdoors, right? Wrong wrong wrong,!!!!!!….he sulked, wouldn’t move, even to the point I had to bring him back in…for two days he had horrendous stomach issues…, so I hit on an ingenious plan, I built him a run in the house(😁 yeah I know right, same thing). if anyone visits he hides) ….when I do venture out even to the post box, he turns his back on me for the rest of the day….even thumps his dear little feet in protest …

He hates being picked up…..( No he won’t eventually get used to it) I’ve tried, goodness knows how I’ve tried, ) if I get him out to roam he hides for hours behind somewhere, again stasis the next day….I’ve had skittish bunnies, I’ve had fearful buns, but this rabbit is in a class of his own, despite this we have the most healthy respect for each other…Ive spent a fortune having a two story beautiful indoor hutch built…it’s huge, made with a lovely high polished wood….honestly it looks like a wonderful piece of furniture….And for once..just once he loved it….And I love it because he has room to move….room for hes toys…

We live this side by side co existence, I’m now allowed to stroke his head, we roll his toys back and forth to each other…Over Christmas was cold, so a few nights I was lazy and slept in the warmth and comfort of the livingroom….those nights Cinnamon slept up front of his cage where he could watch me….once I settle for the night he went up to the top part of his house and lay watching me from there, doing nothing, quiet just watching….well a few nights turned to weeks, …

Last week I cleaned my bedroom and made it comfy to move back in, Tuesday was to be the first night….I hadn’t been there long, when I heard my rabbit thumping…..where it’s so quiet here at nights, the sound fills the air…it’s blooming loud….I call out to him from my bed..he settles( I leave him a light on every night, but even with this measure taken he thumps most nights until I call through….assure him in there…

I’ve gone back and forth from sleeping in the sitting room to my bedroom over the course of the week…, those nights I sleep in here (sittingroom) his content and restful….in the bedroom and the whole night he stomps, throws his feed pot,s, bangs the doors….But last night I stayed in my room the whole night, I didn’t sleep much, as it was a high pain night, eventually my phone in hand, dragging my blanket behind me like half asleep toddler, I stumbled my way back into the living room …..I lay down on my sofa, that is next to cinnamon, ….looked across to check on him, As Im won’t to do, And for the first time, my funny little, moody Bun greeted me, he looked up at me as I lay down….did the most wonderful series of small leaps. (binkying)Head bobbing,,twisting in the air as he leapt, it was a sight to behold, I liked to believe he was actually pleased to see me…my rabbit may never be a lap sitting cuddle bun, but he has a long term home, in the warmth, with good food, small snippets of fruit, veggies, someone to play fetch the cotton reel with, he will never be just a rabbit again, he belongs, he makes my life without my loved ones bearable, I like to think with my knowledge of bunny health I make his a healthy, respected life…each doing our own thing but together…..friendship comes in many forms….take care folks, stay warm and well..💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇

I cannot believe yet another week has come, , whoosh and there it goes within a single heartbeat out the door…….This week started out so very hard and its with some certain knowledge that I knew full well it will end that way..A loved one has been ill, very ill, (And me being me, a nurturer of old, my first instinct is always to try help, I can’t help but want to mother,.Only in this case, I’m afraid there was little to nothing I could actually do, .it ate away at my insides greatly, I sent useless things, token gifts,… bothered them endlessly for updates, ideas of what to do, I love you,s…but still my mind whirled out of control, I felt totally useless, and sitting about just sent me even closer to that fearful edge of insanity.

Sunday..

I awoke from little more than a nap, (seems ten minutes sleep was enough for any overwrought mind…There I lay watching time pass very slowly, longing to wake Jesse, I needed to talk….,(I think I’ve hinted many times before, talking shuts the demons up in my head, If talking was a sport, I would win Gold several times for England 😁) , I talk about anything, everything, I talk for the sake of talking really, I cannot help it, it’s a nervous thing,..Plus it silences the endless torture I put myself through, if I talk loud enough, I cannot hear it…. But in as much as sitting in the dark,alone with my thoughts is agony, waking Jesse when his worked hard all day filling in endless B52s(or whatever those online forms are) plus there’s the end of the month accountancy type stuff ,this to me is far far worse. After a restless hour I decide to get up from the sofa I “normally” sleep on. to make myself a coffee….

While the kettle takes its usual sweet time to boil, I clean the kitchen from the night before.., wash up, put in a load of laundry to wash,. The kettle finally comes to a boil and clicks off loudly, startling me from my thoughts, I make my coffee, dive back under my fleece blankets to thaw out…it’s freezing here in the night…I put my hands about the silver thermos cup, grateful for any little warmth it affords, And sit again sipping the hot comforting brew… as I did an idea appeared from no where, why not sit and make a list of all the things you want to have achieved by the end of the week…put back some sense of worth, value…enjoy ticking each item off, watch the list become smaller, when your minds on one thing, it surely cannot think of two things at once, or Can it ?.

I grab an old shopping receipt that had sat screwed in a ball upon the pine coffee table. .,in the semi darkness i began writing, Starting with the simplest things first, then the tasks I had been putting off for some weeks., my mind wanders off topic from time to time, but before too long, my list has grown and covered the full receipt…. I’m now filled with a fresh determination to start that very next day, because here at least is something I can do…, first thing on my to do list, takes some thinking about, I lay back upon the plump red pillows, and there before long my eyes droop……I finally fall into a deep exhausted sleep.

Monday morning….

I woke up after just an hour..but least I had slept right?, I send an I love you and ask how they are,? ….But I know instantly though, because it’s early and I have a reply, …..I ask about doctors, hospitals, anything….again my heads full,so while Jesse is still blissfully unaware of this fresh new turmoil , I begin the first thing on my list…I want to move my living room about again (yeah I did just do this before Christmas😁)…in my sleep deprived befuddled head, I thought it would allow the heat to come through,what was at that moment my single blocked living room radiator, ..the huge sofa was in front of it.. It made sense to move it, plus more importantly it gave me an outlet, something to fill those endless hours, I had been sat worrying myself half to death, it didn’t take too long though as I moved the sofa, for my back to send out it’s protestations, …stubborn as I am though I had started, so I would come what may, indeed finish, it wasn’t even daylight yet as I put my plan into full action…..

I worked steadily for over an hour, my back just holding out, the toe that I had broken just before Christmas, I’m not quite so sure of, but each time I tried to sit down to rest, I was driven ever onward…hounded by thoughts of what IF?!!!!!!, I felt sick with pain but there was to be no let up….as I shunted the heavy coffee table to one side, a sleepy voice, called out, Honey? , you ok? …..I sit back in front of the phone waiting for Jesse to fall back to sleep,(this moving about could get ugly I thought, as I wipe away the sweat dripping into my eyes,) but after his satisfied I’ve not knocked down a partition wall, or fell off the wobbly chair I stand on to reach things, sleep he promptly does,.. I watch him for a while he looks so tranquil, … I’m at once envious of Mr Puss our cat, asleep upon his chest, I long for such sweet oblivion, the soothing sound of soft breaths and a heart beating strongly under my ear, as it has once before….again I push ever on….sweat creeping down my back, my knee twists and subluxs, I straightened the offending kneecap only bothered by its inconvenience…and go about finishing the room…nothing would stop that spur in my side, ( the sting of thought)

After I had finished,i sat for five minutes admiring my handy work, I hobble to the bathroom, there stripped off my sweat soaked pjs, and stood for an age under delicious warm water of the shower, washing off my aching body, sweet scents of Tahiti shower gel fill my nose, I still hurt but at least I’m now clean, for to be seen😁….I dress hurriedly in comfy clothes, make another coffee,….I love changing the room about normally , its that change of outlook, it lightens my mood….but today I’m still restless, I need something more, something to kill an hour or two at least….

before I know it i,m prising a now very swollen foot into my trainers, pulling on my jacket, grabbing Jesse and my wallet, mask and i,m out the door before I can talk myself out of it….it’s a glorious almost spring like morning…. The sky is a cloudless Cobalt blue, it’s unseasonably warm, even the breeze isn’t cold…the leaves from the oak lined street, are still soggy and sodden from an earlier downpour, .There’s not a soul to be seen, And I enjoy this brief hush, I don’t feel like pasting on the false smile today, or passing pleasantries with passes by….I just want to walk and be…

my head hurts, my back worse, I feel sick from a mix of stress and lack of sustenance, but the warm sun on my face is sweet and I walk slowly to enjoy every minute….I already know my limits, reach the local Lidl and go to buy a few things I need….it’s quiet in there, I’m doing ok, and the good thing about mask wearing is no one knows whether you smile or not…smiling today was not in the agenda….shopping done, I cross the huge road, find my bench and sit for a breather…the world went on oblivious, people drove to work, mothers chattered excitedly , but I feel excluded, not belonging…I made my way home, nearly at my door, I hear a soft enquiring voice, Have you been out honey?, At once a calm washed over my raging soul, a peaceful hush that’s so welcome and I breath ……

Myself and Jesse talk at length later that same day, he knows I’m tormenting myself endlessly again about something, he tries hard to distract me, sings one of his songs, talk of work, things that usually make me smile, engage my interest or makes me laugh, but today isn’t one of those days, today I’m hurting, this huge raw ball of emotion, I know I’m driving myself ever closer to the edge, And what’s worse neither he or I can stop it……I long for him to though, what’s more I know full well if he could just wrap me up in one of those huge bear hugs he specialises in, I could begin to do living again….all day I’m close to tears, I’m exhausted, both mentally and physically, but push myself and my body to it’s limit.

I hadn’t stopped all day, while Jesse worked away on his own list, I crossed all the boundaries of pain, determined and driven…..I never stopped to eat..didn’t want food, food had become the enemy in my mind, it wasn’t till way after ten that night I finally gave into hunger, made a cod steak, rice ,veg, even as I ate it, there wasn’t the usual enjoyment, I was just refuelling ready to carry ever onward……It was that hunger though that presented me with my next issue, I had been shovelling the food in without noticing, not tasting it, mindless and barely chewing before swallowing , and as I swallowed that next mouthful, to my horror a fishbone slid down my throat…too late to reverse it, to late to do anything, but keep swallowing hurriedly, as I gulp I’m hoping it would dislodge from where it was caught, I cough, splutter, but it’s useless, I swallow and as I do the sharp object scrapes down every last inch of my throat. It bloody hurts, but that’s not all, I have this irritated sensation almost like the bones still there someplace lodged…..normally I would have panicked, but I’m too tired, stories of people dying from choking on fishbones, play around with my already frought mind….but I shrug them off, choosing instead to plod on…

All week I’ve pushed my body onward, oblivious to it’s aches, it’s pain just needed to keep on the move…..yesterday though I reached payback…..every time I moved I felt heavy, slow, and couldnt seem to even walk straight, I had woken again after very little sleep, instead of laying there in hopes of drifting back off, I got up and began my day. My head ached, stomach joined in with the protest and after many bathroom trips later, I tried to wash down the skirting, another thing off my ever dwindling list…..things got done…. my friend Debbie arrived some time later to help me, she knows me from old, also knows I would half kill myself rather than ask for any assistance….she sets about however joining in with the endever, ever cheerful, there’s life and bustle at least now about the house, we call from room to room to each other…, but I’m horrified all at once by how slow, sluggish, listless I,m feeling….it was like trying to walk through molasses…also I lacked any form of concentration….what’s more pasting on that false smile, faking cheerfulness was killing me….I longed to lay down, my comfy sofa seductively called my name, I’m not ashamed to say I was so very tempted to give into it….but idiotically I didn’t listen…..we worked steadily for another three hours, three hours of my brain feeling like it had turned to mush, my body just a ball of hurt, I swallowed pain killers with some annoyance, why oh why was my body doing this to me?, Why couldn’t I just do what I wanted? , it was letting me down….. Really it wasn’t of course, I’m still in the full grips of longhauling, finally my body decided for me. if I wasn’t going to listen, it was surely going to make me…..after a brief shopping trip, Debbie left and I lay down to talk to Jesse a while, I at this point, felt chilled, my body shaking with the cold, I had had the heating on full, log burner burning, blankets piled up to my neck, yet teeth chattered, my whole body quaked and shoke, I felt sick, my throat began to ache, and I suddenly found I couldn’t leave the sofa….

All afternoon I shivered, all the signs of the flu took hold, I wanted to get up my things away, but the only way I can describe how I felt was sapped, wrung out, lifeless, that evening my eyes closed involuntary, and I slept off and on, Jesse there at my side, watching over me as always, .I would wake from time to time look up at him and smile, there’s my constant..

finally some hours later I changed into warm fleece pjs, ate a bowl of chicken casserole and gave into my bodies need for peace, rest, there really was little else I could do…my throat still slightly sore, somewhat raspy from the scrapping of the fish bone, but it’s better at least than it was, today I’m still feeling run down, and I’m listening, …again sleep failed but you know what,? I’m listening to that need to keep moving, the thoughts are ever present , but I will deal with it….take care of yourselves my friends and stay safe 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😀💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💙💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😘

It’s the Eve of the Eve of the beginning of another new year and these days I look forward to things with a certain amount of hope and positivity. You see, I have plans for changes in this little life of mine. Not resolutions. No, you rarely stick to those right? 😁 No, these are things I’ve, at least, some modicum of achieving. And I know without doubt I need to reach these goals to give me some fulfilment, confidence. These are not huge things understand, they’re not going to be life changing even. Well, not right away, but I believe with time and perseverance, if I just hang on in there, stick to my resolve, it very well may bring about massive results.

Today, despite a tough night, I woke up knowing full well that I was going to take down the Christmas trees, then pack away all the shiny, glittery things I love so very much. Now I say I knew this… whether I actually did or not it was indeed down to how well my coffee kicked in. Right then and there I did not want to leave my bed (so it wasn’t looking good) but leave it I did. I showered, gulped down a molten hot coffee in three swallows and before the cup even had time to cool, I made another. This was going to be a two or three coffee kind of job. I hate packing Christmas away, The morning was so dull already, horribly gloomy and raining. It seemed almost inconceivable to box up such pretty cheerful things on a day like today. I stopped myself thinking about it, procrastination being the enemy of all things achievement wise, before I could change my mind (as I’m wont to do). I began in earnest, knowing full well once I had started I would indeed see the job to its completion.

Once I had the trees down, everywhere looked so empty. (Except now for the pile of filled taped boxes, tangled fairy lights and white frosting off the smallest tree, everywhere was covered. Finally the white Christmas they had forecast each week since June) Rugs, chairs, the shirt that had in fact been freshly laundered just an hour previous, was now smothered, making me look like I had either been stood outside getting snowed upon for hours (some hopes) or had the worst case of dandruff known to medical science.

I worked steadily until job’s completion, lights untangled, batteries recycled, even my throbbing broken little toe could not stop me once I got into my stride. I had had a lovely Christmas despite spending another alone. Myself and Jesse had made the best of a bad lot… cooking some lovely meals, watching old Christmas movies on prime and sleeping. Lots of sleeping! We virtually napped away that whole day, in its entirety, waking to eat, open presents, but mainly just relaxing. It was perfect, just like the massive bouquet of red and white flowers I had been surprised with just the day before. I lay looking at the thoughtful gift, hot eyes prickling with tears, as I remembered the first bunch of velvet soft red roses that December over three years ago, their sender always knowing how touched and warmed I would be. Jesse knows me too well and as he slept I enjoyed their fragrance and dreamed away the hours.

I have to confess though, not everything was relegated to the cardboard boxes. Jesse had bought me a lovely big glass snow globe for Christmas. Inside its dome a pair of crimson red Cardinal birds. I think he was struck by how excited I had been on seeing them flying about outside his house while I was there. Somehow I had forgotten they were native to America. One morning while watching squirrels feed I saw something red flutter and land by the window. Jesse came in to see what had captured my imagination so, to him, this was of course an everyday occurrence. To me who loves these plucky little birds, it was amazing… a dream fulfilled. And so now I have my own cardinals. As I sat looking at them I hit upon an idea: by wrapping a strand of copper wired fairy lights about them I could enjoy the twinkling lights some more. The glittery snow from the globe twinkling in their reflection, bringing light through the long grey winter months, and with it carrying love from one heart unto another.

Whatever you’re doing this new years eve… whomever with… I pray it’s a better year, one that is good to you and your families, hopefully seeing the end of these dark times and bringing fresh hopes for us all. Take care of yourselves in whatever you do and enjoy the fresh new year..💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😁😁😁😁💛😁💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

Well the Christmas trees are up , they are a somewhat glorious work of decadence, frothy white tinsel, silver ball,s, polar bears and what I now know..are naughty porridge stealing Santa helpers….I love these little ZZ top looky like santas,… they are cute as hell, with waist length beards and oversized hats….I’m pleased with the overall effect as I stand back to admire my handy work….A cheerful note in an otherwise freezing cold existence, brightness to lighten anyone’s dark dreary winters day,s….only problem is I shall be extremely sad to see it all go….I dread the quickness of it all, it seems to fly by with extraordinary haste….

I woke the other night, after just about an hour’s sleep..remembered as one does, that I had forgotten to take the recycling bin out , so at 3 am, barefoot and just my cotton pjs, freezing bits of me off I may need at some point in time again…,in this what I can only describe as a good old fashioned British pea souper of a fog..it was almost all encompassing, growing much denser the lower it got, drifting in and out between each house….it was spooky in a wonderful kind of way…But what caught my eye,shining out like twinkling beacons of joy were Christmas lights people had left on, almost to ward off the night time …it looked especially beautiful, I came back into my house wondering what? if anything I could do to add to my neighbours efforts , to bring on that good cheer…

That very next afternoon I found out a set of crisp, white battery fairy lights, wove them into some crocheted blue , green and white bunting I had made previously, this I added to my front window, it was pretty quickly followed by candles, a small log effect lamp, And wasn’t by any means as spectacular as my neighbours displayed, but I could hardly wait for it to grow dark that night….the over all effect is cosy and cheerful and I quite like it…..

I bore everyone on Facebook daily with pictures of my festivities, small adjustments, ..But I never try to hide the fact, the child within me still finds Christmas magical, and on the whole even with the situation as it is, I can’t help but love it….So Yesterday I sat, finished off the last of my Christmas cards for the uk crowd…having posted off the ones to the USA last week, …One card I had wanted to ensure got to its recipient…it was a fairly large card, that I had actually Sat and made for Jess, …(I shake my head with shame at the very thought…My daughter makes these wonderful creations, full of glitz, sparkle and just so much talent..it makes their receiver feel valued and special….I wanted to recreate this for Jess, ( it looked so good in my mind) …in reality however, this was not to be the case….

I got out all the carefully, planned pretty papers, I organised the tools I would need, all in perfectly straight lines upon the coffee table, I had the glue, the scissors, stickers, I had it all arranged….drinking the last of my coffee I hit on an idea, a plan of action…this was going to be perfect!!!!….indeed the best card Jess had ever received 😁😁😁😁😁….( Huh)…..I knew what I wanted it to look like, but as I began cutting out the shapes, sticking it to the card, then sticking those tiny foam tabs on to that…is when it all went horribly so weird…..the tiny foam tabs were probably the smallest in all existence, I swear these things were smaller than I’ve ever come across,. once positioned ,you then peel off the backs right?, (that’s what normally happens anyhow,) not for me…as I tried to remove the backs, the tabs came off the object,And stuck fast to my fingers, where I found them later was just about everywhere, my hair, my clothes, the sofa, carpet, table just about everywhere but the intended item…..after an hour of sweat, blood and tears, I had managed to apply at least half a dozen of these tabs, just half a dozen out of the fifty or so attempted…I sat back, covered in tabs, a deep new respect growing for my daughter and other card makers, (they all make it look so graceful and easy) I’ve decided from that day onwards I’m not a natural crafter or indeed graceful 😁.

A card did eventually after some time take shape, what shape has still to be decided, but the thought was there, made with errrr, I would like to say love, not so sure love was in my heart as I peeled off glue, glitter, and tabs in the shower later…..but it was going to get posted after I had mangled it into its addressed envelope, being more determined now than ever…my friend Debbie was coming later to take me to the post office…now late I rushed to get ready….I hate rushing, not built for it, don’t like it and thinggggs happen….Things happened!!!!!!!!……showered, make up on, I thought it somewhat appropriate I put on trousers….it being a beautiful sunny but frosty freezing day …don’t think my nightshirt would suffice somehow.

Fully dressed and now ready except for putting on my shoes, I rush out of the bedroom, as I go out the door…my little toe decided to take that moment to argue with the others, and go its separate way, smashing into the door frame on our way out….I felt the pain immediately, followed quickly by a stomach curdling crack!, I hobbled into the living room, sat until I no longer felt sick…..by then Debbie arrived, and I had to then somehow cram an ever swelling, toe into my shoe ……which I did!

Thank goodness the post office was empty, the Lidl store after not quite so much, I leant heavily on my shopping cart, the pain increased the whole time I walked around. I felt bone crunch against bone, burning the more the swelling grew..my hip ached, knees as I walked in the only way I can describe as a ministry of silly walks fashion…I left after only a few minutes, I couldn’t stand any longer by now…I was glad to reach the car…but dreading finally taking off my shoe…..

Next day I woke up to a very black little toe, bruising creeping slowly down the bone along side my foot…there was by now no doubt it was broken, I managed to hobble about to reach the bathroom, (thanking my lucky stars there are no stairs involved) …there was no point in a hospital visit because they would only tape it, which I myself after breaking the little toe in my other foot several times am expert at doing…

Monday ….

Yesterday was a busy day….Jess had to go to the doctors, I had my lady, coming in later that day to cut my hair, so we got an early start…..both tired and not really in the mood to be rudely awoken and to get right on with our day….but start we did, the phones deciding to be evil to us both at the moment, kept cutting us off chat…if we got vision , sound went, if by chance we wangled our way through that…the effects kept coming up on Jesse’s phone , which I confess that wasn’t so bad, as he made a very Rakish sexy looking pirate, 😍…..I had the last cards to send out to friends here, plus write one out for my hair dresser.which as I did I slipped some money in it for her Christmas box,

It was a pleasant evening when I limped down to the post box, which thank goodness is only at the end of the road, Christmas lights already shining through windows, cold crisp air filled my lungs which I breathed in both appreciatively, and deeply , rarely going anywhere i make the most of it when I do…..relieved to see the last cards on their way to my friends I walked back slowly, enjoying the light show as I went….I sat down resting my foot until my hairdresser,s, arrival on return,.. I looked for her card… But not panicking at first when I couldn’t find it….then something crossed my mind…what if I had picked it up with the pile of cards and I had just posted ?!!!!!!!!!!!!…..😮, but then common sense took over when I remembered I only posted five…..five was indeed the right amount for I written out, so my mind at once relieved…….but hanggggggg on a moment …hadn’t I just used a card in its envelope, that I had addressed wrongly to light the log burner with.😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮,

It had gone out twice now and I had given up on the whole idea of being warm again….sighs…,actually thinking it may just burst into combustion on its own self, as it is indeed won’t to do on many occasions……I had used the candle lighter on the card a number of times now to no effect, it had just spluttered and went out ….I went over to the burner looking in it thinking knowing my luck, it had by now burst into a mass of flickering flames, ……but actually no my luck was in for once it hadnt…..just one corner was slightly burnt, still smouldering infact…..I grabbed it out quickly, and indeed upon opening there was the Christmas money….only I folks, if something can be done leave it upto me…..in amongst the catastrophic moments though, I have managed to rest up this foot and while doing so, crocheted to red and white Santa hats…..they are really cute and I already have orders from friends to make more…..ok maybe I shouldn’t give up on crafting totally …..even I have the odd saving grace…..take care my friends, and enjoy your loved ones this lovely festive time of year….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😁🎄x

…….

Wednesday…..

I have a secret, (I know that’s hard to believe) I rarely keep anything to myself…But with this one there was little to no choice…..it’s been nearly 18 months now since I last saw either of my sons, longer still my daughter…it’s been so tough, I miss them far more than I can impart with the aid of mere written word…I get their old enough to go their own way, and their healthy…but once a mother and all that…(Seeing them for private reasons is difficult at best, impossible for the most…..I confess I hate it..

But due to the selfless act of one good Christmas Samaritan, finally early Wednesday morning I was to be meeting up with both lads…I had known for weeks, And looked forward to the coming event, with some trepidation, anxiety, but mainly excitement…I bought a larger Christmas tree after much deliberation.,mainly because I felt for the first time in an age some of my usual Christmas excitement…I was seeing my family…., I bought real presents, (not just things from Amazon, in their grey plastic poor excuse forChristmas wrapping…. , but thought out gifts from shops, loads of stuff from shops, without a care of the wrapping involved….I had shopped for weeks, and loved every moment….it had been an age….an age far to long….

Tuesday came and with it my nerves began kicking in…I fluctuated between wanting the hours to spin away, so I at long last could be with my loved ones,that and my adrenaline filled body making me feel sick inside….seeing my son’s was all I had been dreaming of, but to do this meant I had to also go through a living nightmare(travel behind enemy lines)….Tuesday my body rebelled, I hurt everywhere from a restless night before, my stomach was in knots, IBS on full alert, headaches, you name an ache, I must have alternated between them all…..It was the day before, And I had presents to wrap….cards to write….And I just didn’t have the will or energy for either, spending most of the day wrapped up on the sofa within my fleeces…..

I had put it off enough,the day was gone…, later that night I sat myself down on the floor ,after dinner, tapes, scissors, rolls of paper and began the job at hand…..wrapping not really my forte, I normally opt for the get the gift mainly covered approach, then use a whole reel of tape to keep it that way, this involves a lot of space, me wrestling the item into defeat spread eagled upon the floor, present normally taped to my hand,…..it is advisable to leave me well alone while this exercise takes place or you ,the neighbours cat or half the house content,s ends up entangled in my web of tape, and by now some very creased paper….at the end of this I feel like I’ve spent six hours at the gym and every gift resembling some kind of messy ball.

Jesse listening in all while,,as I fought valiantly the last gift into a bloodied submission ,he was by now in tears, I’m not quite sure if it was with laughter or indeed pity….(Could even be fear, his marrying into this …..pity the poor guy .., Presents done, cards hurriedly scrawled in. At just 7:30pm, I then fell into a very deep exhausted dream filled sleep….. In fact both of us slept all night through, finally waking around 6am the next morning…… with the new dawn, fresh bouts of nerves crowded in, I had laid for hours over the weeks seeing this perfect get together, family reunion , a Christmas we all see, in quaint movies…but of course i know that’s not how it is……But there is one thing I do know about my children though, we may discuss topics that lead to contention, it may become heated, but then it settles , one of us will lead off the topic and we are laughing again within minutes…..

I got ready,text Debbie (my good Samaritan for the day., who kindly have up a while day so I could see my sons, right there was the most wonderful of gifts) ….Debbie had sorted through her CD Christmas collection from appropriate travelling song a long tunes…….I didn’t repay her kindness though by howling along to ,ding dong merrily on high, or jingle bells, last thing we needed was to be pulled over by the local police for causing a breach of peace…..it wasn’t that wonderful blue sky day, it was Dull, wet and dreary, but Debbie was as she always is , full of joy and excitement on our mission ahead, And it soon rubbed off even on me….,

The visit went exceptionally well, we talked away as though, there had been no time or space, no years apart, just like it had been the day before..laughter filled the air, and I felt a calm wash over me, I was with family, my family…….when it was time to leave, it wasn’t sad, it wasn’t filled with doom, we were still laughing, still happy with the time spent in each other’s company….it’s how it used to be….

I thought that night I would sleep well, sleep in the knowledge that my family were ok, I had set eyes upon them, seen for myself , now surely sleep would come easy……was this the case? , of course not!, This is me, I had eaten late….just a chicken sandwich, bag of crisps, washed up the bed….I must have slept all of half an hour, when I was woken up by the tell tale ache under my right side of my ribs……it starts off dull, then gradually works it way up into a fully fledged Gall stone attack…I try to find a comfortable position on my side to ease the burning pain from my side that jumps up deep into my chest….if you’ve ever suffered Gall stone pain you know there really isn’t any comfortable place to get….it hurts like hell, and just to take my mind off that pain , my shoulder wanted to join in with the fun and dropped out twice …..there I am, freezing ,sweating both because it’s late, the heat,s, long gone and I’m trying to relocate my shoulder for the second time, this without pain meds……(my stomach was bad enough without encouraging it)….two hours later , wide awake, I had resided myself that sleep was indeed but a dream… So I lay watching Jesse sleep and rubbish tv…..Jesse was a much better prospect…..

by 4:30 I finally gave in, retrieving my back and neck massager from it’s resting place in my wardrobe in the bedroom. I placed it upon my groaning stomach, turning it on full and waited for the magic to begin….it has these whirly bits you see, that kind of well whirl,. going around in a circular style fashion…, massaging the muscles normally.., or in this case my very “unmuscled”! stomach lol,.. the heat is a welcome soothing addition, ..while the whirling bits knead and massage, …this I learnt one day quite by accident ,really helps with the pain…, Now the only issue I have with this is that all the while it’s working , my stomachs knots and pain are lessened considerably, but the minute it goes stops, (which it does every twenty minutes, the pains back) so I would doze off for a while comforted ,soothed, then rudely awakened again only to have to press the button again……(I need to train Cinnamon (my rabbit) to do this lol, ……but I did eventually sleep….waking a few hours later ,tired and grumpy, And my stomach very well kneaded,…..lol

So for today…….Sunday…..

Today started so very well,( should have known it was a trap) I woke up after a few hours sleep, feeling somewhat revived, if not refreshed, …the weather has somewhat warmed up, and it only took four attempts to get the log burner ablaze, I washed ,dressed, fed Cinnamon, the birds and then thought I deserved myself a hot coffee….I lay back down ,chatting to Jesse while we watched tv…..it was a lovely slow leisurely interlude, ……so slow and leisurely in fact we both fell back to sleep……waking later…my mood still heightened by the unexpectedly warm winter sunshine….I pegged out my wash, text with my daughter….feeling really for the first time in months relaxed….

I had prearranged ( yesterday)for Debbie to nip into Lidl and pick me up some logs for the burner, no time set, just when she could….I sat and took apart a gadget I use daily…one I bought just weeks ago, that stopped working, it’s a handy little thing…one I would be lost without now….it’s a tiny hand held bidet…..no hear me out here folks, I won’t get crude or rude….but these things are amazing…….well when they are working…..it’s run by batteries, and although the rubber gasket seal, does keep out most of the water, it doesn’t always and the results shall we say can be erm quite shocking😮😮😮😮😮, .but(no pun intended) mine had just stopped one day…..so I bought it in to look at….dry it and change the small batteries in hopes to bring it back into life….

I took it to pieces ,dried it out, replaced the batteries and indeed it spluttered back into life…..I was thrilled, but left it on the chair to carry on drying out……made myself a congratulatory coffee, sat reading, when there was a bang on my front door…..there bright and breezy stood Debbie, loaded down with bags of wood and fire lighters, (such an angel)…..we chat a minute at the door, when I remember my manners and ask her in for a cup of tea, …..but an unusually restless Debbie assured me she needed to go home…she seemed a bit strange….but hey she deals with me, all things considered she’s allowed……we take the bags through to the conservatory, affectionately know as the fridgetory…..so blooming cold …….then swiftly she gone without a backward glance…..can’t get out quick enough almost….I shrug come in, drink my coffee……it’s then with horror I spy the hand held bidet…..stood loud and proud……that would not be a problem if said bidet did not look like something altogether very different….something of the buzzy persuasion ……another battery taking object…..oh come onnnnn, work with me here folks, …….I felt my face flush, I couldn’t make my mind up wether to laugh or go hide behind my sofa with embarrassment, ….I could picture my poor fear friends face as she drove hurriedly home….oh folks !!!!😮, worst is I know this is going to be the source of many a free drink down the pub later……why oh why always me…..oh well, could be worse……if you hear this story, it was only a bidet honest…..take good care of yourselves my friends , may your days be long and full of laughter, 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😘💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💛💛💛x

As yet another Christmas rapidly approaches us,.. once again i,m left in that Tumble dryer of emotions, without so much as a dryer sheet to stop static anywhere….I had decided one morning upon waking to a freezing cold livingroom, legs uncovered and blue with the 4am chill ….that maybe I should embrace my love of all things Christmas this year(Tell me we all wake to thoughts like this right?)

I shuffled my stiff, sore aching body in the general direction of the kettle, I had spent yet Another night spent upon the sofa, that dips in the middle of its huge over filled red cushions, But if I want to sleep at all, there it seems for some reason is the place my over thinking mind finds at least a modicum of peace….plus Cinnamon my companion Rabbit actually settle,s down for the night, instead of his normal penchant for house rearrangement…..(by the way his box distruction services are still available for a one off price of bunny treats) ….

I clicked on the kettle, which takes on average roughly 15 minutes to boil…( Long enough for someone my age to forget what it was they had set out to do (this happens more often than I’m comfortable with these days)….or otherwise take a leisurely shower….in fact normally I can shower, dry , deodorise, dress and be halfway through my makeup before my bright red shiny little kettle,will finally make an exhibition of itself, by over loudly clicking off and coming to the boil….I’m never quite sure, then whether to ignore it in disgust, as I’ve gone off the whole idea of coffee by now or applaud it….Mainly I just give it the look! 😃.

I poured the eventually hot steaming water into my thermos cup…. Cold hands gratefully wrap about it for warmth and I go and sit upon the sofa, …thought,s begin straight away percolating more than the coffee to hand….You see Cinnamon has his huge 8ft beautifully finished piece of furniture of a bedroom, with its highly polished lacquered Rosewood top…, to me it was just crying out for a Christmas tree, fairy lights, fandles(fake battery operated candles) oh yes I could design a wonderful Christmas wonderland, just upon his bed chamber alone….But of course to do this, I would in effect have to move from my cosy place, situated under the nest of soft silver grey fleeces, And tackle the grining log burner it hates me, no it really does…it being a freezing morning outside….everywhere was a twinkling wonderland of white icing like frost…. I’m not quite sure though it had,nt snuck in through my unglazed windows and set up home in the livingroom, never quite so beautiful there….So first things first….I began by building up the log burner…

As a kid I never got that saying(you know the one, building up a fire) heard my mum say it in regard,s to the ancient cream kitchen boiler…..but now I know exactly…..you need paper, card, kindling, logs, and last but not least fire lighters…..many many fire lighters……I begin with scrunched balls of old letters, flyers that I find myself really appreciating more these days, (not for the information value afforded, but because indeed they burn!!!!, And burn well at that…..after the paper, I tear squares from my newly acquired Amazon boxes, then pattern a pyramid of kindling sticks , place a small log behind it, set flame to the gap between the wooden structure where some paper peaks through……this fire starting is a hit and miss affair, ….some days it bursts into a joyful cacophony of licking tongues,all orange and yellow flames….others it defies my every attempt of persuasion and a puff of grey smoke is all I get for my troubles…..(Today as I shake with the cold, is to be one of these…I sigh , curse it somewhat, as my arms are gradually becoming more and more covered in black soot…..so is my nose, cheeks, pjs and anything else I touch……

Eventually after I’ve refilled my lighter three times, used up my extensive collection of helpful flyers, Amazon boxes, card I save from around my food items, I resort to my tried and tested method…..praying on my knees to the ancient gods of fire and that age old caveman technique …. The Papa John’s pizza box😁, i kid ye not, it works every single time(plus it’s a great excuse to indulge in a pizza) …now I have a lovely blaze….I’m filthy, hot and bothered, exhausted, and have used all my vast dictionary of swear words in one half hour, than my fiance has heard me use in our years together, but at least i feel I have earned my scouts badge for fire lighting, in force ten gales and driving rain….I stand back give the log burner a smug look of satisfaction , ( there I nod my head, that,’ll show you!!!!!

It takes a while for the room to warm up…so I finish my coffee, shower and then begin removing everything I had just weeks before carefully placed upon Cinnamons bedroom top….putting away my thoughtfully positioned Niknaks and candles ….And as I do so, I decide, the tiny 18 inch already decorated tree from last year, (relegated at the moment to living in the garden shed, wasn’t going to be enough) This year I was going the whole hog, this year I was having a resplendent three foot tree….tahdah!!!!, I was going to do Christmas proud…..I would enjoy the season wether I liked it or not!!!!!……most likely not……

This required yet another cup of coffee and much thought, (Hell this requires a nip of Brandy in my hot Beveridge of choice to ward off the cold and help me in my page trawling of Amazon……After I fortified myself, I begin searching in earnest for that tree of my dreams…..

I closed my eyes a second…imagining this frothy, frosted confection, of green covered in white, silver and fluffy strands of glittering tinsel, delicate glass balls, flashing fairy lights, topped with a glittering silver star…..I saw it all…. but that was just my dream though right…. In reality hmmmmm… I spent over an hour, searching page upon page, the fire already dying out in the log burner , embers grew cold, my eyes running from turning page upon page on my tablet……

there were any number of tree,s, that were bright florescent pink (someone save me from such devilment.) , black trees, rainbow trees, even silver, but not one green, three foot, sighs……I began losing all hope, plus the feeling in my legs, …….when suddenly from out of the mists of the Amazon world of shopping shone,( choirs of angels sang) one lone, perfect white three foot tree, it was glorious, my dream was about to come true…………I clicked on it quickly before it could disappear,…. buy buy buy, ……not! not! not!…….as I go to my basket and pay place….there and then a blackness encroached my sittingroom, and not just from the huge gathering of a fresh batch of rain cloud either. ……..it seems that you only need three foot Christmas trees in January……(hang on what?????,) I mean seriously, am I missing something here?………And it’s not some discriminatory thing about Three foot green trees either,( hell no it’s not fussy)… I thought I might have to resort to some nasty pink thing, blue or sky blue orange …..but nope you can’t get a free for love nor money until mid January….I scratched my head, check my wall calender in my bedroom to see if maybe Boris Johnson had deemed fit to move Christmas to next year for some unknown reason……..but no there it was, Larger than life, black and white,but beautiful bold letters ……25th of December same as always……

I’m ready to call it a day, admit defeat, call off Christmas, …..when bing!!!!!! a germ of an idea is planted firmly in my brain……check the shops online…..And after another large coffee, slice of luke warm buttered toast, I put the plan into action……without too much ado….there amongst a woodland of other trees stands mine……it’s foil!, And I hadn’t in all honesty planned on foil……it’s not as bushy and perfect as my dream tree…..but do you know what? , it’s tiny, it’s pretty and perfectly ok with me…..I add it to my basket quickly, feeling at once relieved,…. I had gone to the forest, found my tree and chopped it down….ok added to my basket……but it was mine….and I would love it…..

I also carefully choose some silver balls, not the classy glass ones, but pretty and reasonably priced, polar bears followed, strands of frothy tinsel, and there before I knew it I had Christmas ….it was all arriving on that monday…..And i would be ready ……over the weekend I sat and worked upon decorating my tree, taking my time , to twine the copper wired lights around it’s naked branches, cursing once in a while as they tangled, but within the hour, my tree stood pride of place, a beacon of beauty, a ray of hope to lighten my otherwise sad lone Christmas, without my loved ones, without the lines of strung cards of yesteryear, or laughter….but it was mine and Cinnamons, little glow of magic amongst an otherwise cold sad reminder of how much I miss Jess and my children…..I know I’m lucky ,I’ve got the stubborn log burner to bring warmth, the saggy sofa to rest my tired bones on, roof over my head…..but …….well never mind, I have my tree, my bunny and my man in phone land to celebrate with….keep warm folks, hug those you love and stay safe 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐰💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐰💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐰x

Yesterday was a very special day…it was the day my firstborn entered the word kicking and screaming in her fury of being disturbed, .her little red face screwed up as she screamed, fists flaying , but who wouldn’t having been pulled abruptly into a cold November chill,… as always my daughter made her feelings very abundantly clear , (she never did like getting up early, probably still doesnt to this day)…but that was then, many many years ago now…And yesterday when i awoke in the wee small hours, still very tired from the day before, I lay thinking of that day all those long years ago, ….a large lavender candle flickered and glowed for her birthday in my room, it’s Amber light glowed, bringing an immediate warmth to an otherwise freezing room, it had gone cold in the night, way before the last glow of embers in the log burner died away……

I curled down further under the pile of grey fleeces and my thick fluffy red sherpa blanket, wanting to put off getting up for as long as possible, …I hadn’t slept at all the night previous. Dread of an upcoming blood test…trying to stave off yet another batch of nightmares, plus nervous excitement of whether my daughter would like her gift…A gift so personal to me, A gift which although hadn’t in fact cost a fortune, I had paid dearly for in other ways in its completion….

The day before I had longed to change my mind about posting it, Maybe send her some candles, socks, a journal with an elephant on its leather cover, moneyyyyy, just anything, literally anything, .but the now heavily wrapped gift making its presence all to known as I held it in my hand while I queued up the for once quiet post office….right up until I paid, handed it to the waiting lady, shut away in her glass box, and she slammed down that perspex shutter the gift now out of reach…, well until then I had wanted to claw it back and take it back home with me …..but for the fact I had worked hard on making it….I would have done just that….

The original idea…..

back a few weeks ago I had written here on how I often liked to flick through an old yellow cardboard folder, which lives pride of place amid my meagre art supplies, It holds some of the most precious things to me….half a dozen drawings and water colour paintings, which my dad had worked on……I have great pleasure in looking at each piece, silently, running a hand over one by one, seeing each stroke of brush or pencil that my father’s tobacco stained fingers had made painstakingly… still smelling that tobacco at times, And as my hand pauses a while, i hear his voice, sound of pencils working upon the thick Windsor and Newton paper…..I close my eyes, at once transported back to my childhood, times when it was just me and my dad…

When I opened my eyes again, they at once caught sight of my favourite picture, A work completely done in black ink, a wonderful depiction of a badger in its holt…this has always been my favourite, I remembered dad sat Thursday evenings while mum went to bingo, rolled up cigarette hanging precariously in the corner of his mouth, nine o’clock BBC news playing to no one in particular,,, , there I would lay drawing on the sofa or reading my latest book, my dog curled up close by and my world for an hour or two was sweet and I sucked every minute out of our time…..I went to put the pictures away, I was back however unwillingly from my walk down memory lane….

I hesitated as i went to put the badger picture away, an idea hit suddenly from nowhere,,, in a few weeks my daughter was to be coming up for a visit, plus it was her birthday, Maybe, just maybe, I could recreate the badger picture….just that week before hadnt she asked for a picture, I had sketched….I have never believed my work good enough for sharing, or infact felt like letting them be seen….but then again if this would mean something to her, like my own fathers pictures do me…then wasnt, I in fact being selfish, immediately I felt guilty. I knew now what I had to do….

Bonding with ones subject…

I of course already loved this picture, And had left it out when I put away the rest of dad’s work….Each day I studied it, looked at every detail, became familiar with its lines, each nuance, leaf, twig, blade of grass…..I spent the first week doing this, .. I felt like I was in fact procrastinating at times, putting off the inevitable..but actually I was doing something much more important..I was mapping out where to start, taking away that fear I have of working on a new project, because I’m going to mess it up right???….I’m going to fail…years of being told this had taken a toll..And I was the one paying the price.

I tossed and turned, argued with myself all that week, …leaving myself just one week before my daughter was due to visit, when I here I was not even starting the preliminary sketches, not one mark on a piece of paper…..it didn’t help my stomach was being horrendous, nothing stayed in it, I was exhausted all the time , very dehydrated….I would lay about, any energy was put into cleaning, ready for my visitors, …I was torn with wanting badly to give her this keepsake, just in case I didn’t get chance to give her anything else ever, and just wanting to lay down and let things wash over me…..but one night I remembered how my father looked at me tears in his eyes, after I had asked had he done any drawing of late…..he had been ill for some time, then the tremors began and it had all become impossible….it was obviously devastating for him, And I once again felt ashamed and embarrassed….beginning that very night..

The badger ….

I started on him, after all he was the main character, central figure, and whether it was, that I was over emotional, tired, sick or a combination of the three, instead of fear of my work not living up to my fathers, I if anything felt him close the whole time, watching over my shoulder, not in a troublesome way, but like he was there if I should need his guidance, As a child his hand would cover mine to show me the lines, I felt at once an inner peace, calm as I worked…a hand guided, the badger appeared in fullness before my tired eyes, leaves, twisted ivy branches, Dandelions, dead twigs, followed and each night I sat back with some little pride in my work….a culmination of two people , Father, daughter, making a gift for my daughter, ” His” grand daughter…

No matter how it hurt to sit at the table, I was going to finally complete this , I love my daughter, I love my father….this was for them,….I was bringing all three close, I took strength from this and carried on with a new faith ….when I had the finalised sketch down in front of me…..I looked across nervously at Jesse, picked up my work and held it up for him to view..I knew as much as Jesse is my biggest cheer leader , ( looking very cute in his little skirt , shaking his matching pom poms) he would if nothing else tell me the “facts as they were……holding my breath as he looked across, he smiled his huge wonderful boyish grin….saying Honey “it’s lovely”…..

But this my dears, was only the very beginning, I then had to go over every painstakingly line and curve in black ink, keeping my hands steady, …The hardest part though would always be, the completing of this half finished work, stopping myself giving in to those nagging doubts, that monster who livess over my shoulder spouting doubts at every given opportunity….And while I sat up many nights alone after woken by yet another nightmare working….these doubts filled my head….I had to order ink pens, a frame, pencils, all of which didn’t arrive on time and further hampering my progress, …..one morning after a tired night filled with bathroom visits, not being able to swallow anything , due to acid burning my throat right down into my chest,,,,, , feeling very lost, alone and defeated, I flung my picture aside….hiding it under a pile of books upon the coffee table, trying hard to ignore it…..I managed for all of two days, when Jesse asked on the third day, if I had managed to work on my project…..near to tears, it all burst out in a garbled mess as it often does…..I couldn’t my pens hadn’t arrived and were to be further delayed, the pencils too, ….plus I couldn’t eat…..it was all just too hard, I wanted to give in.I felt unloved, I felt a bloody mess…….he smiled softly and began the long process of emailing all the company’s, then after, we talked for an age, about my work, about dad, just about anything ….I felt better at once, renewed,… after numerous emails from Jesse , everything finally arrived….I stayed awake all night to complete my end of the father/ daughter gift for Becky (my daughter.

As I worked in the semi light of the livingroom,Jesse lay sleeping close by in phone land, comforting, his nearness giving me strength, I felt my father ever present, pushing me onwards,..when I added my own touches to our piece, four big floppy scarlet red contrasting poppies, my favourites and also for remembrance day, I at once felt dad’s approval….. And at last I was done, I signing it from us both…for he really was my inspiration all those nights….I had not infact felt this close to him since being his puppy like follower, as a freckled gawky kid…….Things changed after and conspired against us, I wasn’t to see Becky that weekend, I felt deeply saddened , this illness fills, me with depression and I felt abandoned for a while, until I remembered how close I had felt to my father, jesse, my daughter, text,s to my son back and forth,…. I at once remembered just how much I love these people ….how closeness is in fact a state of mind , not physical…..stay well folks and look out for one another.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😙😙😙😙😙😙😙😙😙😙

But I lied, .. the words of a Michael Bolton song that has perpetually played over and over in my head for over a week now……I’ve sung it, played it, hoping by doing so I by doing so I could in someway exorsize it once and for all, instead it makes free in my mind and out of my mouth…..I love the song which I suppose helps….could be so much worse right? (Could be that internal ring on it thing)!!!!!. But no, this has lyrics of such that, I could only dream of writing them myself….those words are ones I would have loved to have written for the man in my life….

The same man that walked into my life four years ago exactly today and turned it completely upside down….till that point I had lead the most miserable existence, . I had come to terms with that was my forever, that was life…….firstly let me say I never set out to meet anyone….far from this in fact….but one night, after a weekend of somewhat highs and lows, I lay sobbing upon my bright red (break your back in two futon) it wasn’t the pain of the futon that drove me to tears,( bad as that was), but a deep unhappiness, some say it’s their heart that hurts, this was pain so deep, it cut into my soul…..I rocked myself, twisted my fingers in angst…. Pain never covers it, this was torture….

At this time, I had been an admin in a self help group, with the most amazing bunch of people and quite naturally sought them out,. I needed their counsel, comfort, just company of another living breathing human being, if I’m I be honest…..my usual suspects nowhere to be seen that night….I watched ,waited until a little green light blinked at me through the depth of darkness, it bought instant relief, without its owner even knowing yet, but I went one step further, I took all my courage,trembling as I tapped on the name beside the little light…..almost at once came a reply….It was Jesse, the same man who had made me laugh countless time,s, just by a single line from one of his Jesseville,s, or a meme, daft joke…..laughter in my life was rare and wonderful commodity…so that very same Sunday night, we began hours of writing back and forth, words flew across our screen,s…I for the very first time opened my heart to a fellow human being….I was totally honest, freed from restraint, and had never felt so close to another soul as I did right then and there …..it was more intimate than I had experienced ever….it was almost like we sat in the same room, in the dark…..not touching…..yet all of us touching….two minds linked across a wide divide of an ocean……

we were still talking when the sun rose the next day…..I hated it when we finally signed of, I felt an emptiness I could begin to explain….still can’t …..we text back and forth, I began listening for the little pings on my phone, looking forward to seeing a message from Jesse…..when my heart began turning over at the sound….I knew I was in trouble……love had grown, not just a fondness but something out of my control…..and just a few days on I typed those very same words, fully expecting to never hear from him again……but no there never came the knock back….no rejection ….And our love grew beyond both of our wildest dreams…….it’s been four years now and I feel exactly as I did that very first day…… Our love was a wild thing neither could tame, or even wanted to…..I long for the day I can hold you Mr Jesse Cole…. At the beginning of this I quoted The song ,…….said I loved you, the rest is …..but I lied, this is more than love I feel inside….an Ocean may divide us my love, but love is our bridge……, Take care all ….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💗💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💗💛

Saturday… ….

I woke to a deep grey threatening sky, clouds raced, And wind whipped them up into an excited frenzy, ..Seems October had already left us too November with its chilled mornings replacing the mild late autumnal days before we had chance to ready ourselves…..I for one though, in a way welcomed this change,. as the weather has been rather strange of late , too cold to sleep without my fleece blanket, but when I did in fact pull it over me, I would be woken up countless times far to warm……I mistakenly fell asleep Friday night upon the sofa,…. I say sleep of course very lightly, for I actually just dozed off and on for a time,.in reality I just could not be bothered to repair to my bedroom, which would involve actually getting up, moving about the cold house, there fully awakening myself ,and robbing me still further of any chance of sleep, so I in fact stayed put…….

Next night though I thought, I really had better go to bed (like most normal civilized folks do), Once There getting to sleep that night, wasn’t actually an issue for a change,…. However!!!!, I was rudely awakened approximately half hour later by a loud banging,crashing sound, something was moving about in the other room ….Grabbing my phone, torch, and my half empty coffee cup, (No clue why I did this).. I went out of my room to investigate further, ….Even when there though, the noise persisted, looking about me, (even behind my sofa lol, Burglar chief hiding spot) , there was nothing.!) not a thing, I soon found out the source of my problem though, …Cinnamon bun !!!!!!!(my rabbit)…. he was trying his hardest to roll his hard plastic ball up the ladder to the second floor of he,s house, I’ve no idea why, (but not very successfully I might add, …he could get it a little way only for it to come back down again, clattering, this annoyed him immensely , so he would then bang the ladder , by lifting it, letting it, then dropping it again….this went on all night I might add., Sunday night I fell asleep again upon the sofa and my fluff ball bun of a room mate never made a sound……

Sunday afternoon as the, already deep grey gun metal sky gave way further to impending darkness, we, that being, (myself and Jesse) Got out our Cauldrons and decided to make a witches brew of our ownsome…..no day could have been more perfect either, cold, wet ,Gale force winds threatening to tear up anything by its roots that opposed it’s way…..we both already had in the ingredients required, And after locating the eye of bat, tongue of lizard, and fingers of fishes, we set about making our concoction, there a flurry of chopping, measuring, and adding of herbs, we then set it to bubble for about six to eight hours, the house smelt delicious, scents of the mixted herbs, spices filled the chilled night air and I then set to, making up the log burner ….

I rarely have as we call here in England( “the big light on”) this is customarily a British thing, meaning the ceiling lamp, ..as opposed to the little light( ” a table lamp”)…no I have fairy lights, two strings of, one across Cinnamon,s, house the other strung haphazardly upon the metal kitchen rack…..then there’s my Fandles( fake, battery operated pillar candles), dancing flames jumping up from the log burner, this throws out a lovely warm flickery light, much more soothing than the harsh brightness of the BIG light…

Witching hour…….starts early here….

By 8pm my house is filled with the most wonderful aroma,s and I’m starving, no more than that passed hunger…, Infact i could have eaten my way through every last morsel in the place, if it wasn’t for the fact I wanted to wait for my dinner, (one bagel at lunchtime does not a full tummy make I discovered, ……..I lay writing in the dimmed soft light, trying hard to distract myself from the gnawing hunger….Outside as the wind howled, I could hear the shrieks of laughter from neighbour,s children, I took a look outside, …there running about, were pint sized witches, skeletons, and all manner of spooky goings on…..Small witches it seems are oblivious to rain, And don’t shrink into a pile of steaming goo, as the wizard of Oz would have us believe😁, .no knocks came upon my door however,( seems my reputation for eating slugs n snails, and puppy dogs tails had indeed gone on before me, …….that night at midnight, dead on witching hour, our brew was finally done to perfection, I lifted my cauldron lid( ok slow cooker) my nose was at once greeted by the wonderful scents of steeping, cacophony of rich bubbling ingredients…….thick ,glutinous, rich aromas of beef stew( didn’t really think I did spells did yah, don’t tell anyone I’ve a reputation to uphold, 😄……I could wait no further and ladled a large serving into a bowl, (big enough to almost do the washing up in…….

As hungry as I was, I ate every last mouthful,. there filled to the brim,repleted, my hunger at last satisfied, while watching our latest Nordic noir I fell asleep once more on the sofa, ….(It felt far to cold to go outside and soar the sky’s upon my trusty broomstick, besides in that wind, I could have ended up in china…..( Do they have witches in China I wonder ? 😁) so I made do with just dreaming about it , tucked up warmly in my best of fleece blankets by the stove…..again that night no banging and crashing from Cinnamon …….it seems he likes me sleeping out there with him ….only banging if I deem fit to go to bed sighs…..oh my brand new fleecy lined size 6 ruby slippers what have I created 😄, take care folks and stay well💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x