I cannot believe yet another week has come, , whoosh and there it goes within a single heartbeat out the door…….This week started out so very hard and its with some certain knowledge that I knew full well it will end that way..A loved one has been ill, very ill, (And me being me, a nurturer of old, my first instinct is always to try help, I can’t help but want to mother,.Only in this case, I’m afraid there was little to nothing I could actually do, .it ate away at my insides greatly, I sent useless things, token gifts,… bothered them endlessly for updates, ideas of what to do, I love you,s…but still my mind whirled out of control, I felt totally useless, and sitting about just sent me even closer to that fearful edge of insanity.

Sunday..

I awoke from little more than a nap, (seems ten minutes sleep was enough for any overwrought mind…There I lay watching time pass very slowly, longing to wake Jesse, I needed to talk….,(I think I’ve hinted many times before, talking shuts the demons up in my head, If talking was a sport, I would win Gold several times for England 😁) , I talk about anything, everything, I talk for the sake of talking really, I cannot help it, it’s a nervous thing,..Plus it silences the endless torture I put myself through, if I talk loud enough, I cannot hear it…. But in as much as sitting in the dark,alone with my thoughts is agony, waking Jesse when his worked hard all day filling in endless B52s(or whatever those online forms are) plus there’s the end of the month accountancy type stuff ,this to me is far far worse. After a restless hour I decide to get up from the sofa I “normally” sleep on. to make myself a coffee….

While the kettle takes its usual sweet time to boil, I clean the kitchen from the night before.., wash up, put in a load of laundry to wash,. The kettle finally comes to a boil and clicks off loudly, startling me from my thoughts, I make my coffee, dive back under my fleece blankets to thaw out…it’s freezing here in the night…I put my hands about the silver thermos cup, grateful for any little warmth it affords, And sit again sipping the hot comforting brew… as I did an idea appeared from no where, why not sit and make a list of all the things you want to have achieved by the end of the week…put back some sense of worth, value…enjoy ticking each item off, watch the list become smaller, when your minds on one thing, it surely cannot think of two things at once, or Can it ?.

I grab an old shopping receipt that had sat screwed in a ball upon the pine coffee table. .,in the semi darkness i began writing, Starting with the simplest things first, then the tasks I had been putting off for some weeks., my mind wanders off topic from time to time, but before too long, my list has grown and covered the full receipt…. I’m now filled with a fresh determination to start that very next day, because here at least is something I can do…, first thing on my to do list, takes some thinking about, I lay back upon the plump red pillows, and there before long my eyes droop……I finally fall into a deep exhausted sleep.

Monday morning….

I woke up after just an hour..but least I had slept right?, I send an I love you and ask how they are,? ….But I know instantly though, because it’s early and I have a reply, …..I ask about doctors, hospitals, anything….again my heads full,so while Jesse is still blissfully unaware of this fresh new turmoil , I begin the first thing on my list…I want to move my living room about again (yeah I did just do this before Christmas😁)…in my sleep deprived befuddled head, I thought it would allow the heat to come through,what was at that moment my single blocked living room radiator, ..the huge sofa was in front of it.. It made sense to move it, plus more importantly it gave me an outlet, something to fill those endless hours, I had been sat worrying myself half to death, it didn’t take too long though as I moved the sofa, for my back to send out it’s protestations, …stubborn as I am though I had started, so I would come what may, indeed finish, it wasn’t even daylight yet as I put my plan into full action…..

I worked steadily for over an hour, my back just holding out, the toe that I had broken just before Christmas, I’m not quite so sure of, but each time I tried to sit down to rest, I was driven ever onward…hounded by thoughts of what IF?!!!!!!, I felt sick with pain but there was to be no let up….as I shunted the heavy coffee table to one side, a sleepy voice, called out, Honey? , you ok? …..I sit back in front of the phone waiting for Jesse to fall back to sleep,(this moving about could get ugly I thought, as I wipe away the sweat dripping into my eyes,) but after his satisfied I’ve not knocked down a partition wall, or fell off the wobbly chair I stand on to reach things, sleep he promptly does,.. I watch him for a while he looks so tranquil, … I’m at once envious of Mr Puss our cat, asleep upon his chest, I long for such sweet oblivion, the soothing sound of soft breaths and a heart beating strongly under my ear, as it has once before….again I push ever on….sweat creeping down my back, my knee twists and subluxs, I straightened the offending kneecap only bothered by its inconvenience…and go about finishing the room…nothing would stop that spur in my side, ( the sting of thought)

After I had finished,i sat for five minutes admiring my handy work, I hobble to the bathroom, there stripped off my sweat soaked pjs, and stood for an age under delicious warm water of the shower, washing off my aching body, sweet scents of Tahiti shower gel fill my nose, I still hurt but at least I’m now clean, for to be seen😁….I dress hurriedly in comfy clothes, make another coffee,….I love changing the room about normally , its that change of outlook, it lightens my mood….but today I’m still restless, I need something more, something to kill an hour or two at least….

before I know it i,m prising a now very swollen foot into my trainers, pulling on my jacket, grabbing Jesse and my wallet, mask and i,m out the door before I can talk myself out of it….it’s a glorious almost spring like morning…. The sky is a cloudless Cobalt blue, it’s unseasonably warm, even the breeze isn’t cold…the leaves from the oak lined street, are still soggy and sodden from an earlier downpour, .There’s not a soul to be seen, And I enjoy this brief hush, I don’t feel like pasting on the false smile today, or passing pleasantries with passes by….I just want to walk and be…

my head hurts, my back worse, I feel sick from a mix of stress and lack of sustenance, but the warm sun on my face is sweet and I walk slowly to enjoy every minute….I already know my limits, reach the local Lidl and go to buy a few things I need….it’s quiet in there, I’m doing ok, and the good thing about mask wearing is no one knows whether you smile or not…smiling today was not in the agenda….shopping done, I cross the huge road, find my bench and sit for a breather…the world went on oblivious, people drove to work, mothers chattered excitedly , but I feel excluded, not belonging…I made my way home, nearly at my door, I hear a soft enquiring voice, Have you been out honey?, At once a calm washed over my raging soul, a peaceful hush that’s so welcome and I breath ……

Myself and Jesse talk at length later that same day, he knows I’m tormenting myself endlessly again about something, he tries hard to distract me, sings one of his songs, talk of work, things that usually make me smile, engage my interest or makes me laugh, but today isn’t one of those days, today I’m hurting, this huge raw ball of emotion, I know I’m driving myself ever closer to the edge, And what’s worse neither he or I can stop it……I long for him to though, what’s more I know full well if he could just wrap me up in one of those huge bear hugs he specialises in, I could begin to do living again….all day I’m close to tears, I’m exhausted, both mentally and physically, but push myself and my body to it’s limit.

I hadn’t stopped all day, while Jesse worked away on his own list, I crossed all the boundaries of pain, determined and driven…..I never stopped to eat..didn’t want food, food had become the enemy in my mind, it wasn’t till way after ten that night I finally gave into hunger, made a cod steak, rice ,veg, even as I ate it, there wasn’t the usual enjoyment, I was just refuelling ready to carry ever onward……It was that hunger though that presented me with my next issue, I had been shovelling the food in without noticing, not tasting it, mindless and barely chewing before swallowing , and as I swallowed that next mouthful, to my horror a fishbone slid down my throat…too late to reverse it, to late to do anything, but keep swallowing hurriedly, as I gulp I’m hoping it would dislodge from where it was caught, I cough, splutter, but it’s useless, I swallow and as I do the sharp object scrapes down every last inch of my throat. It bloody hurts, but that’s not all, I have this irritated sensation almost like the bones still there someplace lodged…..normally I would have panicked, but I’m too tired, stories of people dying from choking on fishbones, play around with my already frought mind….but I shrug them off, choosing instead to plod on…

All week I’ve pushed my body onward, oblivious to it’s aches, it’s pain just needed to keep on the move…..yesterday though I reached payback…..every time I moved I felt heavy, slow, and couldnt seem to even walk straight, I had woken again after very little sleep, instead of laying there in hopes of drifting back off, I got up and began my day. My head ached, stomach joined in with the protest and after many bathroom trips later, I tried to wash down the skirting, another thing off my ever dwindling list…..things got done…. my friend Debbie arrived some time later to help me, she knows me from old, also knows I would half kill myself rather than ask for any assistance….she sets about however joining in with the endever, ever cheerful, there’s life and bustle at least now about the house, we call from room to room to each other…, but I’m horrified all at once by how slow, sluggish, listless I,m feeling….it was like trying to walk through molasses…also I lacked any form of concentration….what’s more pasting on that false smile, faking cheerfulness was killing me….I longed to lay down, my comfy sofa seductively called my name, I’m not ashamed to say I was so very tempted to give into it….but idiotically I didn’t listen…..we worked steadily for another three hours, three hours of my brain feeling like it had turned to mush, my body just a ball of hurt, I swallowed pain killers with some annoyance, why oh why was my body doing this to me?, Why couldn’t I just do what I wanted? , it was letting me down….. Really it wasn’t of course, I’m still in the full grips of longhauling, finally my body decided for me. if I wasn’t going to listen, it was surely going to make me…..after a brief shopping trip, Debbie left and I lay down to talk to Jesse a while, I at this point, felt chilled, my body shaking with the cold, I had had the heating on full, log burner burning, blankets piled up to my neck, yet teeth chattered, my whole body quaked and shoke, I felt sick, my throat began to ache, and I suddenly found I couldn’t leave the sofa….

All afternoon I shivered, all the signs of the flu took hold, I wanted to get up my things away, but the only way I can describe how I felt was sapped, wrung out, lifeless, that evening my eyes closed involuntary, and I slept off and on, Jesse there at my side, watching over me as always, .I would wake from time to time look up at him and smile, there’s my constant..

finally some hours later I changed into warm fleece pjs, ate a bowl of chicken casserole and gave into my bodies need for peace, rest, there really was little else I could do…my throat still slightly sore, somewhat raspy from the scrapping of the fish bone, but it’s better at least than it was, today I’m still feeling run down, and I’m listening, …again sleep failed but you know what,? I’m listening to that need to keep moving, the thoughts are ever present , but I will deal with it….take care of yourselves my friends and stay safe 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😀💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💙💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😘

It’s the Eve of the Eve of the beginning of another new year and these days I look forward to things with a certain amount of hope and positivity. You see, I have plans for changes in this little life of mine. Not resolutions. No, you rarely stick to those right? 😁 No, these are things I’ve, at least, some modicum of achieving. And I know without doubt I need to reach these goals to give me some fulfilment, confidence. These are not huge things understand, they’re not going to be life changing even. Well, not right away, but I believe with time and perseverance, if I just hang on in there, stick to my resolve, it very well may bring about massive results.

Today, despite a tough night, I woke up knowing full well that I was going to take down the Christmas trees, then pack away all the shiny, glittery things I love so very much. Now I say I knew this… whether I actually did or not it was indeed down to how well my coffee kicked in. Right then and there I did not want to leave my bed (so it wasn’t looking good) but leave it I did. I showered, gulped down a molten hot coffee in three swallows and before the cup even had time to cool, I made another. This was going to be a two or three coffee kind of job. I hate packing Christmas away, The morning was so dull already, horribly gloomy and raining. It seemed almost inconceivable to box up such pretty cheerful things on a day like today. I stopped myself thinking about it, procrastination being the enemy of all things achievement wise, before I could change my mind (as I’m wont to do). I began in earnest, knowing full well once I had started I would indeed see the job to its completion.

Once I had the trees down, everywhere looked so empty. (Except now for the pile of filled taped boxes, tangled fairy lights and white frosting off the smallest tree, everywhere was covered. Finally the white Christmas they had forecast each week since June) Rugs, chairs, the shirt that had in fact been freshly laundered just an hour previous, was now smothered, making me look like I had either been stood outside getting snowed upon for hours (some hopes) or had the worst case of dandruff known to medical science.

I worked steadily until job’s completion, lights untangled, batteries recycled, even my throbbing broken little toe could not stop me once I got into my stride. I had had a lovely Christmas despite spending another alone. Myself and Jesse had made the best of a bad lot… cooking some lovely meals, watching old Christmas movies on prime and sleeping. Lots of sleeping! We virtually napped away that whole day, in its entirety, waking to eat, open presents, but mainly just relaxing. It was perfect, just like the massive bouquet of red and white flowers I had been surprised with just the day before. I lay looking at the thoughtful gift, hot eyes prickling with tears, as I remembered the first bunch of velvet soft red roses that December over three years ago, their sender always knowing how touched and warmed I would be. Jesse knows me too well and as he slept I enjoyed their fragrance and dreamed away the hours.

I have to confess though, not everything was relegated to the cardboard boxes. Jesse had bought me a lovely big glass snow globe for Christmas. Inside its dome a pair of crimson red Cardinal birds. I think he was struck by how excited I had been on seeing them flying about outside his house while I was there. Somehow I had forgotten they were native to America. One morning while watching squirrels feed I saw something red flutter and land by the window. Jesse came in to see what had captured my imagination so, to him, this was of course an everyday occurrence. To me who loves these plucky little birds, it was amazing… a dream fulfilled. And so now I have my own cardinals. As I sat looking at them I hit upon an idea: by wrapping a strand of copper wired fairy lights about them I could enjoy the twinkling lights some more. The glittery snow from the globe twinkling in their reflection, bringing light through the long grey winter months, and with it carrying love from one heart unto another.

Whatever you’re doing this new years eve… whomever with… I pray it’s a better year, one that is good to you and your families, hopefully seeing the end of these dark times and bringing fresh hopes for us all. Take care of yourselves in whatever you do and enjoy the fresh new year..💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😁😁😁😁💛😁💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

Well the Christmas trees are up , they are a somewhat glorious work of decadence, frothy white tinsel, silver ball,s, polar bears and what I now know..are naughty porridge stealing Santa helpers….I love these little ZZ top looky like santas,… they are cute as hell, with waist length beards and oversized hats….I’m pleased with the overall effect as I stand back to admire my handy work….A cheerful note in an otherwise freezing cold existence, brightness to lighten anyone’s dark dreary winters day,s….only problem is I shall be extremely sad to see it all go….I dread the quickness of it all, it seems to fly by with extraordinary haste….

I woke the other night, after just about an hour’s sleep..remembered as one does, that I had forgotten to take the recycling bin out , so at 3 am, barefoot and just my cotton pjs, freezing bits of me off I may need at some point in time again…,in this what I can only describe as a good old fashioned British pea souper of a fog..it was almost all encompassing, growing much denser the lower it got, drifting in and out between each house….it was spooky in a wonderful kind of way…But what caught my eye,shining out like twinkling beacons of joy were Christmas lights people had left on, almost to ward off the night time …it looked especially beautiful, I came back into my house wondering what? if anything I could do to add to my neighbours efforts , to bring on that good cheer…

That very next afternoon I found out a set of crisp, white battery fairy lights, wove them into some crocheted blue , green and white bunting I had made previously, this I added to my front window, it was pretty quickly followed by candles, a small log effect lamp, And wasn’t by any means as spectacular as my neighbours displayed, but I could hardly wait for it to grow dark that night….the over all effect is cosy and cheerful and I quite like it…..

I bore everyone on Facebook daily with pictures of my festivities, small adjustments, ..But I never try to hide the fact, the child within me still finds Christmas magical, and on the whole even with the situation as it is, I can’t help but love it….So Yesterday I sat, finished off the last of my Christmas cards for the uk crowd…having posted off the ones to the USA last week, …One card I had wanted to ensure got to its recipient…it was a fairly large card, that I had actually Sat and made for Jess, …(I shake my head with shame at the very thought…My daughter makes these wonderful creations, full of glitz, sparkle and just so much talent..it makes their receiver feel valued and special….I wanted to recreate this for Jess, ( it looked so good in my mind) …in reality however, this was not to be the case….

I got out all the carefully, planned pretty papers, I organised the tools I would need, all in perfectly straight lines upon the coffee table, I had the glue, the scissors, stickers, I had it all arranged….drinking the last of my coffee I hit on an idea, a plan of action…this was going to be perfect!!!!….indeed the best card Jess had ever received 😁😁😁😁😁….( Huh)…..I knew what I wanted it to look like, but as I began cutting out the shapes, sticking it to the card, then sticking those tiny foam tabs on to that…is when it all went horribly so weird…..the tiny foam tabs were probably the smallest in all existence, I swear these things were smaller than I’ve ever come across,. once positioned ,you then peel off the backs right?, (that’s what normally happens anyhow,) not for me…as I tried to remove the backs, the tabs came off the object,And stuck fast to my fingers, where I found them later was just about everywhere, my hair, my clothes, the sofa, carpet, table just about everywhere but the intended item…..after an hour of sweat, blood and tears, I had managed to apply at least half a dozen of these tabs, just half a dozen out of the fifty or so attempted…I sat back, covered in tabs, a deep new respect growing for my daughter and other card makers, (they all make it look so graceful and easy) I’ve decided from that day onwards I’m not a natural crafter or indeed graceful 😁.

A card did eventually after some time take shape, what shape has still to be decided, but the thought was there, made with errrr, I would like to say love, not so sure love was in my heart as I peeled off glue, glitter, and tabs in the shower later…..but it was going to get posted after I had mangled it into its addressed envelope, being more determined now than ever…my friend Debbie was coming later to take me to the post office…now late I rushed to get ready….I hate rushing, not built for it, don’t like it and thinggggs happen….Things happened!!!!!!!!……showered, make up on, I thought it somewhat appropriate I put on trousers….it being a beautiful sunny but frosty freezing day …don’t think my nightshirt would suffice somehow.

Fully dressed and now ready except for putting on my shoes, I rush out of the bedroom, as I go out the door…my little toe decided to take that moment to argue with the others, and go its separate way, smashing into the door frame on our way out….I felt the pain immediately, followed quickly by a stomach curdling crack!, I hobbled into the living room, sat until I no longer felt sick…..by then Debbie arrived, and I had to then somehow cram an ever swelling, toe into my shoe ……which I did!

Thank goodness the post office was empty, the Lidl store after not quite so much, I leant heavily on my shopping cart, the pain increased the whole time I walked around. I felt bone crunch against bone, burning the more the swelling grew..my hip ached, knees as I walked in the only way I can describe as a ministry of silly walks fashion…I left after only a few minutes, I couldn’t stand any longer by now…I was glad to reach the car…but dreading finally taking off my shoe…..

Next day I woke up to a very black little toe, bruising creeping slowly down the bone along side my foot…there was by now no doubt it was broken, I managed to hobble about to reach the bathroom, (thanking my lucky stars there are no stairs involved) …there was no point in a hospital visit because they would only tape it, which I myself after breaking the little toe in my other foot several times am expert at doing…

Monday ….

Yesterday was a busy day….Jess had to go to the doctors, I had my lady, coming in later that day to cut my hair, so we got an early start…..both tired and not really in the mood to be rudely awoken and to get right on with our day….but start we did, the phones deciding to be evil to us both at the moment, kept cutting us off chat…if we got vision , sound went, if by chance we wangled our way through that…the effects kept coming up on Jesse’s phone , which I confess that wasn’t so bad, as he made a very Rakish sexy looking pirate, 😍…..I had the last cards to send out to friends here, plus write one out for my hair dresser.which as I did I slipped some money in it for her Christmas box,

It was a pleasant evening when I limped down to the post box, which thank goodness is only at the end of the road, Christmas lights already shining through windows, cold crisp air filled my lungs which I breathed in both appreciatively, and deeply , rarely going anywhere i make the most of it when I do…..relieved to see the last cards on their way to my friends I walked back slowly, enjoying the light show as I went….I sat down resting my foot until my hairdresser,s, arrival on return,.. I looked for her card… But not panicking at first when I couldn’t find it….then something crossed my mind…what if I had picked it up with the pile of cards and I had just posted ?!!!!!!!!!!!!…..😮, but then common sense took over when I remembered I only posted five…..five was indeed the right amount for I written out, so my mind at once relieved…….but hanggggggg on a moment …hadn’t I just used a card in its envelope, that I had addressed wrongly to light the log burner with.😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮,

It had gone out twice now and I had given up on the whole idea of being warm again….sighs…,actually thinking it may just burst into combustion on its own self, as it is indeed won’t to do on many occasions……I had used the candle lighter on the card a number of times now to no effect, it had just spluttered and went out ….I went over to the burner looking in it thinking knowing my luck, it had by now burst into a mass of flickering flames, ……but actually no my luck was in for once it hadnt…..just one corner was slightly burnt, still smouldering infact…..I grabbed it out quickly, and indeed upon opening there was the Christmas money….only I folks, if something can be done leave it upto me…..in amongst the catastrophic moments though, I have managed to rest up this foot and while doing so, crocheted to red and white Santa hats…..they are really cute and I already have orders from friends to make more…..ok maybe I shouldn’t give up on crafting totally …..even I have the odd saving grace…..take care my friends, and enjoy your loved ones this lovely festive time of year….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😁🎄x

…….

Wednesday…..

I have a secret, (I know that’s hard to believe) I rarely keep anything to myself…But with this one there was little to no choice…..it’s been nearly 18 months now since I last saw either of my sons, longer still my daughter…it’s been so tough, I miss them far more than I can impart with the aid of mere written word…I get their old enough to go their own way, and their healthy…but once a mother and all that…(Seeing them for private reasons is difficult at best, impossible for the most…..I confess I hate it..

But due to the selfless act of one good Christmas Samaritan, finally early Wednesday morning I was to be meeting up with both lads…I had known for weeks, And looked forward to the coming event, with some trepidation, anxiety, but mainly excitement…I bought a larger Christmas tree after much deliberation.,mainly because I felt for the first time in an age some of my usual Christmas excitement…I was seeing my family…., I bought real presents, (not just things from Amazon, in their grey plastic poor excuse forChristmas wrapping…. , but thought out gifts from shops, loads of stuff from shops, without a care of the wrapping involved….I had shopped for weeks, and loved every moment….it had been an age….an age far to long….

Tuesday came and with it my nerves began kicking in…I fluctuated between wanting the hours to spin away, so I at long last could be with my loved ones,that and my adrenaline filled body making me feel sick inside….seeing my son’s was all I had been dreaming of, but to do this meant I had to also go through a living nightmare(travel behind enemy lines)….Tuesday my body rebelled, I hurt everywhere from a restless night before, my stomach was in knots, IBS on full alert, headaches, you name an ache, I must have alternated between them all…..It was the day before, And I had presents to wrap….cards to write….And I just didn’t have the will or energy for either, spending most of the day wrapped up on the sofa within my fleeces…..

I had put it off enough,the day was gone…, later that night I sat myself down on the floor ,after dinner, tapes, scissors, rolls of paper and began the job at hand…..wrapping not really my forte, I normally opt for the get the gift mainly covered approach, then use a whole reel of tape to keep it that way, this involves a lot of space, me wrestling the item into defeat spread eagled upon the floor, present normally taped to my hand,…..it is advisable to leave me well alone while this exercise takes place or you ,the neighbours cat or half the house content,s ends up entangled in my web of tape, and by now some very creased paper….at the end of this I feel like I’ve spent six hours at the gym and every gift resembling some kind of messy ball.

Jesse listening in all while,,as I fought valiantly the last gift into a bloodied submission ,he was by now in tears, I’m not quite sure if it was with laughter or indeed pity….(Could even be fear, his marrying into this …..pity the poor guy .., Presents done, cards hurriedly scrawled in. At just 7:30pm, I then fell into a very deep exhausted dream filled sleep….. In fact both of us slept all night through, finally waking around 6am the next morning…… with the new dawn, fresh bouts of nerves crowded in, I had laid for hours over the weeks seeing this perfect get together, family reunion , a Christmas we all see, in quaint movies…but of course i know that’s not how it is……But there is one thing I do know about my children though, we may discuss topics that lead to contention, it may become heated, but then it settles , one of us will lead off the topic and we are laughing again within minutes…..

I got ready,text Debbie (my good Samaritan for the day., who kindly have up a while day so I could see my sons, right there was the most wonderful of gifts) ….Debbie had sorted through her CD Christmas collection from appropriate travelling song a long tunes…….I didn’t repay her kindness though by howling along to ,ding dong merrily on high, or jingle bells, last thing we needed was to be pulled over by the local police for causing a breach of peace…..it wasn’t that wonderful blue sky day, it was Dull, wet and dreary, but Debbie was as she always is , full of joy and excitement on our mission ahead, And it soon rubbed off even on me….,

The visit went exceptionally well, we talked away as though, there had been no time or space, no years apart, just like it had been the day before..laughter filled the air, and I felt a calm wash over me, I was with family, my family…….when it was time to leave, it wasn’t sad, it wasn’t filled with doom, we were still laughing, still happy with the time spent in each other’s company….it’s how it used to be….

I thought that night I would sleep well, sleep in the knowledge that my family were ok, I had set eyes upon them, seen for myself , now surely sleep would come easy……was this the case? , of course not!, This is me, I had eaten late….just a chicken sandwich, bag of crisps, washed up the bed….I must have slept all of half an hour, when I was woken up by the tell tale ache under my right side of my ribs……it starts off dull, then gradually works it way up into a fully fledged Gall stone attack…I try to find a comfortable position on my side to ease the burning pain from my side that jumps up deep into my chest….if you’ve ever suffered Gall stone pain you know there really isn’t any comfortable place to get….it hurts like hell, and just to take my mind off that pain , my shoulder wanted to join in with the fun and dropped out twice …..there I am, freezing ,sweating both because it’s late, the heat,s, long gone and I’m trying to relocate my shoulder for the second time, this without pain meds……(my stomach was bad enough without encouraging it)….two hours later , wide awake, I had resided myself that sleep was indeed but a dream… So I lay watching Jesse sleep and rubbish tv…..Jesse was a much better prospect…..

by 4:30 I finally gave in, retrieving my back and neck massager from it’s resting place in my wardrobe in the bedroom. I placed it upon my groaning stomach, turning it on full and waited for the magic to begin….it has these whirly bits you see, that kind of well whirl,. going around in a circular style fashion…, massaging the muscles normally.., or in this case my very “unmuscled”! stomach lol,.. the heat is a welcome soothing addition, ..while the whirling bits knead and massage, …this I learnt one day quite by accident ,really helps with the pain…, Now the only issue I have with this is that all the while it’s working , my stomachs knots and pain are lessened considerably, but the minute it goes stops, (which it does every twenty minutes, the pains back) so I would doze off for a while comforted ,soothed, then rudely awakened again only to have to press the button again……(I need to train Cinnamon (my rabbit) to do this lol, ……but I did eventually sleep….waking a few hours later ,tired and grumpy, And my stomach very well kneaded,…..lol

So for today…….Sunday…..

Today started so very well,( should have known it was a trap) I woke up after a few hours sleep, feeling somewhat revived, if not refreshed, …the weather has somewhat warmed up, and it only took four attempts to get the log burner ablaze, I washed ,dressed, fed Cinnamon, the birds and then thought I deserved myself a hot coffee….I lay back down ,chatting to Jesse while we watched tv…..it was a lovely slow leisurely interlude, ……so slow and leisurely in fact we both fell back to sleep……waking later…my mood still heightened by the unexpectedly warm winter sunshine….I pegged out my wash, text with my daughter….feeling really for the first time in months relaxed….

I had prearranged ( yesterday)for Debbie to nip into Lidl and pick me up some logs for the burner, no time set, just when she could….I sat and took apart a gadget I use daily…one I bought just weeks ago, that stopped working, it’s a handy little thing…one I would be lost without now….it’s a tiny hand held bidet…..no hear me out here folks, I won’t get crude or rude….but these things are amazing…….well when they are working…..it’s run by batteries, and although the rubber gasket seal, does keep out most of the water, it doesn’t always and the results shall we say can be erm quite shocking😮😮😮😮😮, .but(no pun intended) mine had just stopped one day…..so I bought it in to look at….dry it and change the small batteries in hopes to bring it back into life….

I took it to pieces ,dried it out, replaced the batteries and indeed it spluttered back into life…..I was thrilled, but left it on the chair to carry on drying out……made myself a congratulatory coffee, sat reading, when there was a bang on my front door…..there bright and breezy stood Debbie, loaded down with bags of wood and fire lighters, (such an angel)…..we chat a minute at the door, when I remember my manners and ask her in for a cup of tea, …..but an unusually restless Debbie assured me she needed to go home…she seemed a bit strange….but hey she deals with me, all things considered she’s allowed……we take the bags through to the conservatory, affectionately know as the fridgetory…..so blooming cold …….then swiftly she gone without a backward glance…..can’t get out quick enough almost….I shrug come in, drink my coffee……it’s then with horror I spy the hand held bidet…..stood loud and proud……that would not be a problem if said bidet did not look like something altogether very different….something of the buzzy persuasion ……another battery taking object…..oh come onnnnn, work with me here folks, …….I felt my face flush, I couldn’t make my mind up wether to laugh or go hide behind my sofa with embarrassment, ….I could picture my poor fear friends face as she drove hurriedly home….oh folks !!!!😮, worst is I know this is going to be the source of many a free drink down the pub later……why oh why always me…..oh well, could be worse……if you hear this story, it was only a bidet honest…..take good care of yourselves my friends , may your days be long and full of laughter, 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😘💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💛💛💛x

As yet another Christmas rapidly approaches us,.. once again i,m left in that Tumble dryer of emotions, without so much as a dryer sheet to stop static anywhere….I had decided one morning upon waking to a freezing cold livingroom, legs uncovered and blue with the 4am chill ….that maybe I should embrace my love of all things Christmas this year(Tell me we all wake to thoughts like this right?)

I shuffled my stiff, sore aching body in the general direction of the kettle, I had spent yet Another night spent upon the sofa, that dips in the middle of its huge over filled red cushions, But if I want to sleep at all, there it seems for some reason is the place my over thinking mind finds at least a modicum of peace….plus Cinnamon my companion Rabbit actually settle,s down for the night, instead of his normal penchant for house rearrangement…..(by the way his box distruction services are still available for a one off price of bunny treats) ….

I clicked on the kettle, which takes on average roughly 15 minutes to boil…( Long enough for someone my age to forget what it was they had set out to do (this happens more often than I’m comfortable with these days)….or otherwise take a leisurely shower….in fact normally I can shower, dry , deodorise, dress and be halfway through my makeup before my bright red shiny little kettle,will finally make an exhibition of itself, by over loudly clicking off and coming to the boil….I’m never quite sure, then whether to ignore it in disgust, as I’ve gone off the whole idea of coffee by now or applaud it….Mainly I just give it the look! 😃.

I poured the eventually hot steaming water into my thermos cup…. Cold hands gratefully wrap about it for warmth and I go and sit upon the sofa, …thought,s begin straight away percolating more than the coffee to hand….You see Cinnamon has his huge 8ft beautifully finished piece of furniture of a bedroom, with its highly polished lacquered Rosewood top…, to me it was just crying out for a Christmas tree, fairy lights, fandles(fake battery operated candles) oh yes I could design a wonderful Christmas wonderland, just upon his bed chamber alone….But of course to do this, I would in effect have to move from my cosy place, situated under the nest of soft silver grey fleeces, And tackle the grining log burner it hates me, no it really does…it being a freezing morning outside….everywhere was a twinkling wonderland of white icing like frost…. I’m not quite sure though it had,nt snuck in through my unglazed windows and set up home in the livingroom, never quite so beautiful there….So first things first….I began by building up the log burner…

As a kid I never got that saying(you know the one, building up a fire) heard my mum say it in regard,s to the ancient cream kitchen boiler…..but now I know exactly…..you need paper, card, kindling, logs, and last but not least fire lighters…..many many fire lighters……I begin with scrunched balls of old letters, flyers that I find myself really appreciating more these days, (not for the information value afforded, but because indeed they burn!!!!, And burn well at that…..after the paper, I tear squares from my newly acquired Amazon boxes, then pattern a pyramid of kindling sticks , place a small log behind it, set flame to the gap between the wooden structure where some paper peaks through……this fire starting is a hit and miss affair, ….some days it bursts into a joyful cacophony of licking tongues,all orange and yellow flames….others it defies my every attempt of persuasion and a puff of grey smoke is all I get for my troubles…..(Today as I shake with the cold, is to be one of these…I sigh , curse it somewhat, as my arms are gradually becoming more and more covered in black soot…..so is my nose, cheeks, pjs and anything else I touch……

Eventually after I’ve refilled my lighter three times, used up my extensive collection of helpful flyers, Amazon boxes, card I save from around my food items, I resort to my tried and tested method…..praying on my knees to the ancient gods of fire and that age old caveman technique …. The Papa John’s pizza box😁, i kid ye not, it works every single time(plus it’s a great excuse to indulge in a pizza) …now I have a lovely blaze….I’m filthy, hot and bothered, exhausted, and have used all my vast dictionary of swear words in one half hour, than my fiance has heard me use in our years together, but at least i feel I have earned my scouts badge for fire lighting, in force ten gales and driving rain….I stand back give the log burner a smug look of satisfaction , ( there I nod my head, that,’ll show you!!!!!

It takes a while for the room to warm up…so I finish my coffee, shower and then begin removing everything I had just weeks before carefully placed upon Cinnamons bedroom top….putting away my thoughtfully positioned Niknaks and candles ….And as I do so, I decide, the tiny 18 inch already decorated tree from last year, (relegated at the moment to living in the garden shed, wasn’t going to be enough) This year I was going the whole hog, this year I was having a resplendent three foot tree….tahdah!!!!, I was going to do Christmas proud…..I would enjoy the season wether I liked it or not!!!!!……most likely not……

This required yet another cup of coffee and much thought, (Hell this requires a nip of Brandy in my hot Beveridge of choice to ward off the cold and help me in my page trawling of Amazon……After I fortified myself, I begin searching in earnest for that tree of my dreams…..

I closed my eyes a second…imagining this frothy, frosted confection, of green covered in white, silver and fluffy strands of glittering tinsel, delicate glass balls, flashing fairy lights, topped with a glittering silver star…..I saw it all…. but that was just my dream though right…. In reality hmmmmm… I spent over an hour, searching page upon page, the fire already dying out in the log burner , embers grew cold, my eyes running from turning page upon page on my tablet……

there were any number of tree,s, that were bright florescent pink (someone save me from such devilment.) , black trees, rainbow trees, even silver, but not one green, three foot, sighs……I began losing all hope, plus the feeling in my legs, …….when suddenly from out of the mists of the Amazon world of shopping shone,( choirs of angels sang) one lone, perfect white three foot tree, it was glorious, my dream was about to come true…………I clicked on it quickly before it could disappear,…. buy buy buy, ……not! not! not!…….as I go to my basket and pay place….there and then a blackness encroached my sittingroom, and not just from the huge gathering of a fresh batch of rain cloud either. ……..it seems that you only need three foot Christmas trees in January……(hang on what?????,) I mean seriously, am I missing something here?………And it’s not some discriminatory thing about Three foot green trees either,( hell no it’s not fussy)… I thought I might have to resort to some nasty pink thing, blue or sky blue orange …..but nope you can’t get a free for love nor money until mid January….I scratched my head, check my wall calender in my bedroom to see if maybe Boris Johnson had deemed fit to move Christmas to next year for some unknown reason……..but no there it was, Larger than life, black and white,but beautiful bold letters ……25th of December same as always……

I’m ready to call it a day, admit defeat, call off Christmas, …..when bing!!!!!! a germ of an idea is planted firmly in my brain……check the shops online…..And after another large coffee, slice of luke warm buttered toast, I put the plan into action……without too much ado….there amongst a woodland of other trees stands mine……it’s foil!, And I hadn’t in all honesty planned on foil……it’s not as bushy and perfect as my dream tree…..but do you know what? , it’s tiny, it’s pretty and perfectly ok with me…..I add it to my basket quickly, feeling at once relieved,…. I had gone to the forest, found my tree and chopped it down….ok added to my basket……but it was mine….and I would love it…..

I also carefully choose some silver balls, not the classy glass ones, but pretty and reasonably priced, polar bears followed, strands of frothy tinsel, and there before I knew it I had Christmas ….it was all arriving on that monday…..And i would be ready ……over the weekend I sat and worked upon decorating my tree, taking my time , to twine the copper wired lights around it’s naked branches, cursing once in a while as they tangled, but within the hour, my tree stood pride of place, a beacon of beauty, a ray of hope to lighten my otherwise sad lone Christmas, without my loved ones, without the lines of strung cards of yesteryear, or laughter….but it was mine and Cinnamons, little glow of magic amongst an otherwise cold sad reminder of how much I miss Jess and my children…..I know I’m lucky ,I’ve got the stubborn log burner to bring warmth, the saggy sofa to rest my tired bones on, roof over my head…..but …….well never mind, I have my tree, my bunny and my man in phone land to celebrate with….keep warm folks, hug those you love and stay safe 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐰💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐰💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐰x

Yesterday was a very special day…it was the day my firstborn entered the word kicking and screaming in her fury of being disturbed, .her little red face screwed up as she screamed, fists flaying , but who wouldn’t having been pulled abruptly into a cold November chill,… as always my daughter made her feelings very abundantly clear , (she never did like getting up early, probably still doesnt to this day)…but that was then, many many years ago now…And yesterday when i awoke in the wee small hours, still very tired from the day before, I lay thinking of that day all those long years ago, ….a large lavender candle flickered and glowed for her birthday in my room, it’s Amber light glowed, bringing an immediate warmth to an otherwise freezing room, it had gone cold in the night, way before the last glow of embers in the log burner died away……

I curled down further under the pile of grey fleeces and my thick fluffy red sherpa blanket, wanting to put off getting up for as long as possible, …I hadn’t slept at all the night previous. Dread of an upcoming blood test…trying to stave off yet another batch of nightmares, plus nervous excitement of whether my daughter would like her gift…A gift so personal to me, A gift which although hadn’t in fact cost a fortune, I had paid dearly for in other ways in its completion….

The day before I had longed to change my mind about posting it, Maybe send her some candles, socks, a journal with an elephant on its leather cover, moneyyyyy, just anything, literally anything, .but the now heavily wrapped gift making its presence all to known as I held it in my hand while I queued up the for once quiet post office….right up until I paid, handed it to the waiting lady, shut away in her glass box, and she slammed down that perspex shutter the gift now out of reach…, well until then I had wanted to claw it back and take it back home with me …..but for the fact I had worked hard on making it….I would have done just that….

The original idea…..

back a few weeks ago I had written here on how I often liked to flick through an old yellow cardboard folder, which lives pride of place amid my meagre art supplies, It holds some of the most precious things to me….half a dozen drawings and water colour paintings, which my dad had worked on……I have great pleasure in looking at each piece, silently, running a hand over one by one, seeing each stroke of brush or pencil that my father’s tobacco stained fingers had made painstakingly… still smelling that tobacco at times, And as my hand pauses a while, i hear his voice, sound of pencils working upon the thick Windsor and Newton paper…..I close my eyes, at once transported back to my childhood, times when it was just me and my dad…

When I opened my eyes again, they at once caught sight of my favourite picture, A work completely done in black ink, a wonderful depiction of a badger in its holt…this has always been my favourite, I remembered dad sat Thursday evenings while mum went to bingo, rolled up cigarette hanging precariously in the corner of his mouth, nine o’clock BBC news playing to no one in particular,,, , there I would lay drawing on the sofa or reading my latest book, my dog curled up close by and my world for an hour or two was sweet and I sucked every minute out of our time…..I went to put the pictures away, I was back however unwillingly from my walk down memory lane….

I hesitated as i went to put the badger picture away, an idea hit suddenly from nowhere,,, in a few weeks my daughter was to be coming up for a visit, plus it was her birthday, Maybe, just maybe, I could recreate the badger picture….just that week before hadnt she asked for a picture, I had sketched….I have never believed my work good enough for sharing, or infact felt like letting them be seen….but then again if this would mean something to her, like my own fathers pictures do me…then wasnt, I in fact being selfish, immediately I felt guilty. I knew now what I had to do….

Bonding with ones subject…

I of course already loved this picture, And had left it out when I put away the rest of dad’s work….Each day I studied it, looked at every detail, became familiar with its lines, each nuance, leaf, twig, blade of grass…..I spent the first week doing this, .. I felt like I was in fact procrastinating at times, putting off the inevitable..but actually I was doing something much more important..I was mapping out where to start, taking away that fear I have of working on a new project, because I’m going to mess it up right???….I’m going to fail…years of being told this had taken a toll..And I was the one paying the price.

I tossed and turned, argued with myself all that week, …leaving myself just one week before my daughter was due to visit, when I here I was not even starting the preliminary sketches, not one mark on a piece of paper…..it didn’t help my stomach was being horrendous, nothing stayed in it, I was exhausted all the time , very dehydrated….I would lay about, any energy was put into cleaning, ready for my visitors, …I was torn with wanting badly to give her this keepsake, just in case I didn’t get chance to give her anything else ever, and just wanting to lay down and let things wash over me…..but one night I remembered how my father looked at me tears in his eyes, after I had asked had he done any drawing of late…..he had been ill for some time, then the tremors began and it had all become impossible….it was obviously devastating for him, And I once again felt ashamed and embarrassed….beginning that very night..

The badger ….

I started on him, after all he was the main character, central figure, and whether it was, that I was over emotional, tired, sick or a combination of the three, instead of fear of my work not living up to my fathers, I if anything felt him close the whole time, watching over my shoulder, not in a troublesome way, but like he was there if I should need his guidance, As a child his hand would cover mine to show me the lines, I felt at once an inner peace, calm as I worked…a hand guided, the badger appeared in fullness before my tired eyes, leaves, twisted ivy branches, Dandelions, dead twigs, followed and each night I sat back with some little pride in my work….a culmination of two people , Father, daughter, making a gift for my daughter, ” His” grand daughter…

No matter how it hurt to sit at the table, I was going to finally complete this , I love my daughter, I love my father….this was for them,….I was bringing all three close, I took strength from this and carried on with a new faith ….when I had the finalised sketch down in front of me…..I looked across nervously at Jesse, picked up my work and held it up for him to view..I knew as much as Jesse is my biggest cheer leader , ( looking very cute in his little skirt , shaking his matching pom poms) he would if nothing else tell me the “facts as they were……holding my breath as he looked across, he smiled his huge wonderful boyish grin….saying Honey “it’s lovely”…..

But this my dears, was only the very beginning, I then had to go over every painstakingly line and curve in black ink, keeping my hands steady, …The hardest part though would always be, the completing of this half finished work, stopping myself giving in to those nagging doubts, that monster who livess over my shoulder spouting doubts at every given opportunity….And while I sat up many nights alone after woken by yet another nightmare working….these doubts filled my head….I had to order ink pens, a frame, pencils, all of which didn’t arrive on time and further hampering my progress, …..one morning after a tired night filled with bathroom visits, not being able to swallow anything , due to acid burning my throat right down into my chest,,,,, , feeling very lost, alone and defeated, I flung my picture aside….hiding it under a pile of books upon the coffee table, trying hard to ignore it…..I managed for all of two days, when Jesse asked on the third day, if I had managed to work on my project…..near to tears, it all burst out in a garbled mess as it often does…..I couldn’t my pens hadn’t arrived and were to be further delayed, the pencils too, ….plus I couldn’t eat…..it was all just too hard, I wanted to give in.I felt unloved, I felt a bloody mess…….he smiled softly and began the long process of emailing all the company’s, then after, we talked for an age, about my work, about dad, just about anything ….I felt better at once, renewed,… after numerous emails from Jesse , everything finally arrived….I stayed awake all night to complete my end of the father/ daughter gift for Becky (my daughter.

As I worked in the semi light of the livingroom,Jesse lay sleeping close by in phone land, comforting, his nearness giving me strength, I felt my father ever present, pushing me onwards,..when I added my own touches to our piece, four big floppy scarlet red contrasting poppies, my favourites and also for remembrance day, I at once felt dad’s approval….. And at last I was done, I signing it from us both…for he really was my inspiration all those nights….I had not infact felt this close to him since being his puppy like follower, as a freckled gawky kid…….Things changed after and conspired against us, I wasn’t to see Becky that weekend, I felt deeply saddened , this illness fills, me with depression and I felt abandoned for a while, until I remembered how close I had felt to my father, jesse, my daughter, text,s to my son back and forth,…. I at once remembered just how much I love these people ….how closeness is in fact a state of mind , not physical…..stay well folks and look out for one another.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛😙😙😙😙😙😙😙😙😙😙

But I lied, .. the words of a Michael Bolton song that has perpetually played over and over in my head for over a week now……I’ve sung it, played it, hoping by doing so I by doing so I could in someway exorsize it once and for all, instead it makes free in my mind and out of my mouth…..I love the song which I suppose helps….could be so much worse right? (Could be that internal ring on it thing)!!!!!. But no, this has lyrics of such that, I could only dream of writing them myself….those words are ones I would have loved to have written for the man in my life….

The same man that walked into my life four years ago exactly today and turned it completely upside down….till that point I had lead the most miserable existence, . I had come to terms with that was my forever, that was life…….firstly let me say I never set out to meet anyone….far from this in fact….but one night, after a weekend of somewhat highs and lows, I lay sobbing upon my bright red (break your back in two futon) it wasn’t the pain of the futon that drove me to tears,( bad as that was), but a deep unhappiness, some say it’s their heart that hurts, this was pain so deep, it cut into my soul…..I rocked myself, twisted my fingers in angst…. Pain never covers it, this was torture….

At this time, I had been an admin in a self help group, with the most amazing bunch of people and quite naturally sought them out,. I needed their counsel, comfort, just company of another living breathing human being, if I’m I be honest…..my usual suspects nowhere to be seen that night….I watched ,waited until a little green light blinked at me through the depth of darkness, it bought instant relief, without its owner even knowing yet, but I went one step further, I took all my courage,trembling as I tapped on the name beside the little light…..almost at once came a reply….It was Jesse, the same man who had made me laugh countless time,s, just by a single line from one of his Jesseville,s, or a meme, daft joke…..laughter in my life was rare and wonderful commodity…so that very same Sunday night, we began hours of writing back and forth, words flew across our screen,s…I for the very first time opened my heart to a fellow human being….I was totally honest, freed from restraint, and had never felt so close to another soul as I did right then and there …..it was more intimate than I had experienced ever….it was almost like we sat in the same room, in the dark…..not touching…..yet all of us touching….two minds linked across a wide divide of an ocean……

we were still talking when the sun rose the next day…..I hated it when we finally signed of, I felt an emptiness I could begin to explain….still can’t …..we text back and forth, I began listening for the little pings on my phone, looking forward to seeing a message from Jesse…..when my heart began turning over at the sound….I knew I was in trouble……love had grown, not just a fondness but something out of my control…..and just a few days on I typed those very same words, fully expecting to never hear from him again……but no there never came the knock back….no rejection ….And our love grew beyond both of our wildest dreams…….it’s been four years now and I feel exactly as I did that very first day…… Our love was a wild thing neither could tame, or even wanted to…..I long for the day I can hold you Mr Jesse Cole…. At the beginning of this I quoted The song ,…….said I loved you, the rest is …..but I lied, this is more than love I feel inside….an Ocean may divide us my love, but love is our bridge……, Take care all ….💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💗💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💗💛

Saturday… ….

I woke to a deep grey threatening sky, clouds raced, And wind whipped them up into an excited frenzy, ..Seems October had already left us too November with its chilled mornings replacing the mild late autumnal days before we had chance to ready ourselves…..I for one though, in a way welcomed this change,. as the weather has been rather strange of late , too cold to sleep without my fleece blanket, but when I did in fact pull it over me, I would be woken up countless times far to warm……I mistakenly fell asleep Friday night upon the sofa,…. I say sleep of course very lightly, for I actually just dozed off and on for a time,.in reality I just could not be bothered to repair to my bedroom, which would involve actually getting up, moving about the cold house, there fully awakening myself ,and robbing me still further of any chance of sleep, so I in fact stayed put…….

Next night though I thought, I really had better go to bed (like most normal civilized folks do), Once There getting to sleep that night, wasn’t actually an issue for a change,…. However!!!!, I was rudely awakened approximately half hour later by a loud banging,crashing sound, something was moving about in the other room ….Grabbing my phone, torch, and my half empty coffee cup, (No clue why I did this).. I went out of my room to investigate further, ….Even when there though, the noise persisted, looking about me, (even behind my sofa lol, Burglar chief hiding spot) , there was nothing.!) not a thing, I soon found out the source of my problem though, …Cinnamon bun !!!!!!!(my rabbit)…. he was trying his hardest to roll his hard plastic ball up the ladder to the second floor of he,s house, I’ve no idea why, (but not very successfully I might add, …he could get it a little way only for it to come back down again, clattering, this annoyed him immensely , so he would then bang the ladder , by lifting it, letting it, then dropping it again….this went on all night I might add., Sunday night I fell asleep again upon the sofa and my fluff ball bun of a room mate never made a sound……

Sunday afternoon as the, already deep grey gun metal sky gave way further to impending darkness, we, that being, (myself and Jesse) Got out our Cauldrons and decided to make a witches brew of our ownsome…..no day could have been more perfect either, cold, wet ,Gale force winds threatening to tear up anything by its roots that opposed it’s way…..we both already had in the ingredients required, And after locating the eye of bat, tongue of lizard, and fingers of fishes, we set about making our concoction, there a flurry of chopping, measuring, and adding of herbs, we then set it to bubble for about six to eight hours, the house smelt delicious, scents of the mixted herbs, spices filled the chilled night air and I then set to, making up the log burner ….

I rarely have as we call here in England( “the big light on”) this is customarily a British thing, meaning the ceiling lamp, ..as opposed to the little light( ” a table lamp”)…no I have fairy lights, two strings of, one across Cinnamon,s, house the other strung haphazardly upon the metal kitchen rack…..then there’s my Fandles( fake, battery operated pillar candles), dancing flames jumping up from the log burner, this throws out a lovely warm flickery light, much more soothing than the harsh brightness of the BIG light…

Witching hour…….starts early here….

By 8pm my house is filled with the most wonderful aroma,s and I’m starving, no more than that passed hunger…, Infact i could have eaten my way through every last morsel in the place, if it wasn’t for the fact I wanted to wait for my dinner, (one bagel at lunchtime does not a full tummy make I discovered, ……..I lay writing in the dimmed soft light, trying hard to distract myself from the gnawing hunger….Outside as the wind howled, I could hear the shrieks of laughter from neighbour,s children, I took a look outside, …there running about, were pint sized witches, skeletons, and all manner of spooky goings on…..Small witches it seems are oblivious to rain, And don’t shrink into a pile of steaming goo, as the wizard of Oz would have us believe😁, .no knocks came upon my door however,( seems my reputation for eating slugs n snails, and puppy dogs tails had indeed gone on before me, …….that night at midnight, dead on witching hour, our brew was finally done to perfection, I lifted my cauldron lid( ok slow cooker) my nose was at once greeted by the wonderful scents of steeping, cacophony of rich bubbling ingredients…….thick ,glutinous, rich aromas of beef stew( didn’t really think I did spells did yah, don’t tell anyone I’ve a reputation to uphold, 😄……I could wait no further and ladled a large serving into a bowl, (big enough to almost do the washing up in…….

As hungry as I was, I ate every last mouthful,. there filled to the brim,repleted, my hunger at last satisfied, while watching our latest Nordic noir I fell asleep once more on the sofa, ….(It felt far to cold to go outside and soar the sky’s upon my trusty broomstick, besides in that wind, I could have ended up in china…..( Do they have witches in China I wonder ? 😁) so I made do with just dreaming about it , tucked up warmly in my best of fleece blankets by the stove…..again that night no banging and crashing from Cinnamon …….it seems he likes me sleeping out there with him ….only banging if I deem fit to go to bed sighs…..oh my brand new fleecy lined size 6 ruby slippers what have I created 😄, take care folks and stay well💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

Back 18 years ago on one bright sunny spring March day, this story was about to begin its journey,… , the day started like so many other,s,,. only this one unbeknownst to me at the time was just about to change my whole life… This was in fact the day, while bending over the bath to wash my hair, I felt a sudden sharp pain shoot through my left breast, It made me jump and even can remember I exclaiming owwwww to myself at the time, …my hand automatically rubbed the area, …but instead of helping, as I had hoped, its maybe going away, .the pain in fact only increased in severity, not only that, but as I rubbed the skin absentmindedly, I felt quite a hard solid sizable lump, ….to this day I don’t know how I knew, but my old friend gut instinct stood me well, ..it’s was to be that exact instant I learnt all about mortality, fear, and an age old question, which was about to be answered for me, .

How would I cope, if I ever found out I had Cancer?….there I’ve said it( THE “Cancer” word most of us whisper or utter under breaths for fear, just mentioning it ,(like saying Macbeth on stage or Voldamort in Harry potter) will bring it about, I finished washing my hair, piled it up in a towel, then slid down onto the bathroom floor, head in my hands, i,m not afraid to say I sobbed, .I cried my first real tears since the day my father died,. this wasn’t just tears though, this was almost primeval, deep down sound, sorrow from my soul to my heart, …I longed for my father, I longed to be held,rocked, someone to say i will make it ok,.. I needed to join with someone who would care about my pain, care, for my mere existence…………there was no one,( there never was) this was the day I also found out the truth about being alone, such a day of much learning

Many months were to pass, several life changing things at once also occured,.. people needed me to be strong, needed support, my mother being recently widowed was one, my sister another and someone who should have cared ,noticed just how depressed, withdrawn I had become should have been there, but instead dealt with his own issues, my support was needed most of all there, ….it was also here abouts , that I missed my father most keenly, I took to wearing his large baggy sweaters, he had knitted himself, It took my back to the long winter evenings he had sat in his chair, note book open, pen ,crossing off each long and complicated row of cable knitting,… just by wearing the royal blue crew necked jumper and wrapping my arms about my body ,was my father hugging me, I think I reverted somewhat into childhood,a place I needed to be for a time,, something was missing something, to this day I still cannot tell you what……

Moving on…….

A Monday morning six months later, I finally phoned my doctor to make an appointment, …back then there were no triage of call,s, previous to your visits, you just explained on the day…..I waited another week, nervous, uptight and anxious, ..when the day of the appointment arrived, I went in alone, my doctor didn’t look up from his computer at first, not until I mentioned the word lump and breast…..his eyes met mine, think then he saw my fear,, …he smiled kindly and said, it’s most likely nothing, just a cyst , And part of me truly wanted that to be the case, just a nothing, a minor annoyance, But as I was examined, shivering and not with cold, alone, fearful, stood vulnerable and half naked in front of my now unusually quiet doctor, I knew by his expression, he had tried quickly to hide, my world had stopped, life went on all about me, I heard babies wail in reception, children walking home from school shouting to one another, car horns, birds singing, I wanted it all to stop, didn’t they know my life had changed forever…..when he finally broke the silence, my doctor spoke softly to me for the first time… he said ,”well I won’t lie i,m concerned” ….now I laughed with false bravado, if your concerned Doctor I,m bloody terrified…

Over the months and weeks, I withdrew further into myself, it’s as if, well as if I was no longer part of the living…. I was in some kind of limbo, so why bother with anything,? I found little support, even after I disclosed about my news, I had no choice by now, I had to go for tests, these soon confirmed my fears, it was indeed cancer, and not only that an aggressive form….here I was at the time, 39 years old, mother of three feeling my world implode about me, but you know what ?I didn’t care, I was in fact already lost….

After a lumpectomy , I was told I would need some months of chemotherapy, I feared this far more than the actual cancer oddly enough, …but was talked into going through it despite my fears and opposition,…… I noted people around me changed rapidly, they actually avoided me!!, crossed over the road, looked away, I felt I had the plague,… was dirty, had become feared, I understood, of course I did, I knew how they felt, but inside I craved the contact of a real live person, by receiving a hug, a simple touch it was like they could pull me back from the edge, this deep dark precipice….I craved the warmth, the solace of another human, but it was non existent, I travelled my path lost and alone…..

The chemo made me dreadfully ill from the first dose, over the weeks I stopped eating, couldn’t bare the thought of food sitting in my stomach., My long auburn, hair began falling on to my pillow, sores grew in my mouth and on my body…..I went deep into total shut down, life held nothing for me now, I resented that waking moment each day, I sought darkness, as if by doing so I could hurry my demise, bring about the longed for peace….I was reminded by family I was infact being selfish, ( think of your family)…whose going to look after them? But selfish or no I sobbed is this it, I’m to survive to look after my now grown up family, who was going to care for me? …..I grew weaker still towards the end,. frail and lifeless, I was also having a lot of chest pain…..it crippled me at times, after one oncologist did tests, it was discovered I had infact unstable Angina,the chemo was attacking not only the Cancer!….

Two weeks after this, while at a friend’s house, trying hard to enjoy the company, “Being normal”…..one sentence made me look up from my dark retreat, “we have a Jack Russell puppy for sale “…..I love this breed, full of spirit, courage and loyalty….just after Christmas it could infact be rehomed…. For some reason , some how, someway, I wanted this pup, no other just this one…..that night it was decided this puppy born alone, already very much loved, was to become even more so, he didn’t know it yet but he was to have a very big job for one so very small.

The two weeks went by slowly, ….as they did I questioned myself soundly, what was I doing? , surely this was irresponsible,..what if I did succumb to my illness ?, leaving this little one without me……..but when finally the big day arrived, I got up from my bed and went to meet my new friend……I could barely stand, I felt so sick ,so very tired.., but in minutes that changed, someone handed me this tiny being, virtually all white, except for a patch each side of his face of blonde curly hair, he was chunky and plump, he wriggled further into my arms. Burried himself against me, ….That moment Willow entered the walled up dark world I had ensconced myself in and found my hiding place…

Over weeks , I got out my bed early, doggy house training never stops, even here he was such a good little dog, clean within a week, …And I had gained a tiny shadow, even the bathroom wasn’t sacred, he took to sleeping against me at nights, his warm little body tucked up right into my side( if not there then behind my head, on my pillow….I could not move without him, …morning,s we woke at 4 am, slipped quietly down the stairs, made tea ,there we made nests of warm fleece blankets on the sofa, him on my lap while I read…..he did in fact do this every day of his little life until he left us….he encouraged me out the door to walk, made me laugh with his constant antics, he was stubborn, fearless and more loyal than anyone I knew, he chose me to love with his huge unstinting heart, …I in turn adored this fuzzy little dog , he without knowing had brought me back from the edge, And I know a lot of you are staring at your screens just not believing this….what could a dog do, that doctors, medicine, family couldn’t do….he could love without a reason, just because and I in turn loved him …

Between him and Marley my Gsd, I was taught pack mentality, loyalty, trust, how to depend on another being, I learnt dogs are not just dogs, if you let them they become companions, Guardians, clowns, healers, and most of all become an endless source of warmth and love in our cold worlds, i,’ll end when is a dog not just a dog…..when you open your heart to it and he/she becomes so so much more….I write this looking up occasionally at a picture on my wall, it’s all I have left of my fuzzy ,funny, loving, little hairball, except the large gap to this day that still exists in my heart….I will always be convinced he came into my life to save me and teach me how to go about living again…..Willow if nothing else enjoyed life…….I Thank you for your indulgence in telling you our story, if your dogs there at your feet, bend down and stroke their ears for me, …..for I wish I could with Willow……take care my friends 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

Saturday …

I woke early after a rare but, none the less very welcome fitful nights sleep, I’m still having stomach issue,s, but despite this, I had this uncontrollable urge for something hot, crunchy and buttery in the wee small hours of the morning, (in other words some toast)..since 3am I had been tasting it, my mouth watering with anticipation, I had a craving for salty meltingly greasy butter goodness, it was all I could think of and I hasten to say convince myself not to get up and make some, (only promptly falling back into a deep sleep prevented me following this need to fruition) but when I awoke, it was fair game and I sought out my shiny red toaster with glee, I made the coffee and with that I gave into golden brown,comforting slice or three of the long awaited toast, ..I took my breakfast back to bed and enjoyed every single mouthful, i did not even feel the slightest remorse as crumbs dropped down until my newly laundered bed linen….I raptured over every morsal and sighed with completion when only oily buttery residue remained on the small red flowered tea plate….

Grate works begin somewhere…..

Before actually getting up, I took a look at my hands, seeing the still tatty broken nails, with slight black sooty remains in places, I had not been able to remove from the day before, much to my utter disgrace and chagin, (I’ve always prided myself on having clean ,long, well shaped nails. These I was very much ashamed of and hid them from view. I’ve scrubbed , soaked them, even took a scrubbing brush to the offending nails at one point, out of sheer frustration…..what have you been doing you ask?, Well, I will tell you, as you may know, there’s a lovely Matt black log burning stove in my sitting room, it’s not only a great focal point, but also throws out a lot of warmth, Over previous weeks of use , the glass at the front had become terribly encrusted with baked on soot, (scrub as I may) using every recipe known to scrubber kind, it wouldn’t shift (I’m one seasoned scrubber believe you me and if I couldn’t do it with my stubborn persistence it’s just not happening for love nor money).

So I do something that is my usual modus operandi (or M O as my addiction for cop series has taught me), I go check out my buddy Amazon of course, 😁, And after just a few seconds to my delight and with a whoop of delight, I found out, they even have stuff to remove soot from stove glass, I was in soot removal heaven, there were hundreds of reviews,even more products and funny enough the cheapest stuff , actually happens to be the best. I just couldn’t wait, it was due two days later, And I was so ready for it…….

I left the stove cold the day of the BIG!!!!!!! Clean, (of course this meant I was also cold too 😁), old t shirt, bleached out trousers and I was set for scrubbing my little heart out, .. There was a knock at my door…my usual delivery man is stood there holding a huge box, Hands it to me with our normal greeting “package for yah Babe”, ..I,m expecting this box to weigh heavy and Steele myself for its weight in my arms, …I nearly fell back with the lightness , all the while I’m trying hard to think of what I have infact ordered recently it could possibly be, ..I thank my driver with a very puzzled look upon my face,……I’m curious and attack my box at once with large orange handled scissors, slicing deftly through the brown package tape, (I can open these boxes with the speed of light now) …as I break through the final piece of tape, open the corrugated top, remove six yards of brown paper, bubble wrap and plastic wrap, there sit the lone spray stove cleaner at the very bottom of this massive box, …again a bemused look upon my face, I grab the cleaner, hand poised upon its bright yellow trigger, I’m so ready to get this job done.

I open the stove door, lay down an old cloth, spray the glass thoroughly and go and make myself a coffee, while sit out the 30 minutes wait the instructions called for, ( by the way, I now know how to clean stove glass in several different languages) ….I play a game on my tablet to distract myself, enjoying my coffee and my allotted cookie of the day….this week’s are a peanut flavour deliciousness, golden and topped with half peanut pieces, (it’s my one weakness, , ok of the day anyhow) . I try to keep my mind off the stove, I’m itching to get up and see if the spray is working , several times I had to stop myself from just taking a little cloth and rubbing just a tinsy section, completing my game , finishing my coffee……at long last the 30 minutes were up(in fact it was 32 minutes and 30 seconds to be precise, I was so ready, armed with clothes, wipes, a bucket of warm water, scrubbing brush I set to, fully expecting to have to work up a real sweat and much elbow grease to remove the tarry sticky black baked on layers……imagine my shock as with just a damp cloth in hand , it came off!!!!!!!!!!, Not only that but the glass shined like new, I could in fact see my reflection, none to happily I might add,….my face, hands, nails, shirt, hair,every cloth I had was very soon covered in the black mess from the stove, while there it stood, glass, it’s top, grate gleaming in the sunlight, beaming in from the living room window, I on the other hand looked like a cross between an over grown Victorian chimney sweep and Cinderella…..I would not be going to any balls, any time soon and that was for sure……..

Bratty Bunny completes his training……

After scrubbing my hands red raw and breaking nearly every nail, I decide I will console myself with another celebration cookie, …I grab the box, that makes a delicious rattle upon handling, ….. as I open the lid pulling up it’s air locking flaps, I feel something staring at me from behind, (it wasn’t Jesse as he was busy there in phone chat land) . I check about me, it’s day time, No one can get in ,

the doors are locked., Confused I go back to my biscuit container, ……..again the uneasy feeling of being watched ……looking about the room, I feel spooked, but as I look behind me on my right , I spot one large black eye, pressed against the wire of his run, it’s watching my every move, …sighing and relieved I ignore it, I had fed him earlier so no need for worry , But my bunny is as determined as his owner, he starts flinging his toys about , they crash with a thump against the floor, each time I stop , he desists in what his doing, ….I know exactly what he wants…..he loves a piece of biscuit, his drawing my attention to the fact I’ve had one already and he demands his share of my next, …I of course being soft ,give into his every little whim, snapping off a piece of my biscuit, I offer it up to my already waiting bunny, he then gives me that look, of about time too…..I walk away suitable chastised, this is just one of his little training methods , I feel if he had a thumb or two he would attempt clicker training at once…but manipulation also works on your adoring human type person……

Saturday,

I have been going through a large brown folder, that’s very dear to my heart..for it contains several coloured pencil drawing,s of my fathers, …every now and again, I get them out, a place them across my bed and just look at them, my fingers running over each in turn, each stroke of pencil, line, colour transports me back in time…..back to Saturday afternoon spent with my father, him stood behind a large self built pine easel, table at his side covered in papers, pencil,s, half rolled up tubes of Rowney oil paints, palate knife, palate and a rag dangling from his grey flannel trousers pocket to clean brushes, the air full of the smell of linseed oil and brush cleaner….I’m sat with an old chair, pencils dad has sorted through for me, paper and doing my best to imitate him, I adored my dad, and both our passion for all things art, from a very young age we went hand in hand a perused many a gallery, …

The Tate in London our favourite, he bought me post cards of the works of Stubbs , Constable, Monet which we would take home to look over and take away our own ideas , One picture of my fathers always stands out more than others, it’s depiction of a badger in its Den, branches, ivy, dandelions growing about it, I love the minute detail of the leaves, the badgers eyes, each hair, And this is made more remarkable because it’s all done in eye catching black ink, ….it should be flat, monotone ,dare I say compared to his other pictures full of life and colour ,it should and could have been boring, ….but it’s not, it’s eye catching, it’s alive and always makes me pause as I flick through each picture……I had always wanted to make my own depiction, recreate, capture and while doing so, walk in my fathers shoes, being him in close…..

I don’t return the picture to its brown folder this time, I’ve put this off far too long now, Even just doing this, immediately the doubts crowd in, I have always wanted to match my fathers talent or that of my Aunts, I can draw, possess somewhat small amount of talent, but my lack of confidence let’s me down before I even begin ……all night I Toss and turn ,the picture on my mind…..just before I go to sleep, eyes closed in the semi darkness, an image from my childhood plays out before my eyes, ….Dad as always is stood before a canvas , brush paused in the air temporary, his painting the prettiest scene of emerald moss covered rocks, cobalt blue sky, an icy water fall ,crashing over black shiny rocks, spray filling the air, ., I can remember looking up at my dad with pride and wonder, how could he do this?, make nature,s glory from those brushes?, what manor of sorcery was this?, …with his infinite patience, he smiled on indulgently as my endless questions start….My dad was always good about my following him, my endless whys,? whats?, how’s? would have been enough to drive a saint crazy, But this was our time, And his softly spoken voice educated cleverly without my knowledge,

This evening was to be no exception, as my six year old self stood at his side, I asked Dad ” how can you make those rocks so very real”?, He did no more than hand me a loaded brush and said paint a shape, any shape……I was at once terrified, this work was beautiful and concern filled me , I expressed this, for him to laugh, shoulders shaking, slight wheeze as he did, and I at once felt at ease, …..I did the shape, choosing a small oval, ….I then watched his deft hand turn this into a credible rock, like all the others, this was indeed magic, …..he then explained, Theresa never been afraid to try something, if you do and it goes wrong, you’ve learnt not to do it that way again, .besides everything in art can be undone, corrected…..I fell asleep with this vision, those words in my head and knew then I would attempt my own version of the badger picture, it may not be perfect, it may turn out completely different, but nothing in nature, in art, life is perfect after all, my father was wise and wonderful, I’m hoping he is looking over my shoulder as I do each line , each curve, with his warm indulgent smile upon his face as always……stay well my friends ,love to you all 💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💜💜💜💛💛💛💛💛💛💜💜💜💜💛💛💛💛💛💛💚x