Back about two weeks or so ago, I had this mammoth craving for some hot buttered toast,(it happens to us all every once in a while, though nearly always when there’s not a slice of bread(mouldy or otherwise) in the house to be found, and of course always always either last thing at night or worse still in the middle of, .. Not driving means, I can’t just run out in my fluffy polar bear pjs, slippers with rampant bed hair, to the nearest garage either(this is somewhat lucky for them I might add😁,. So I invariably go without, but while scrolling through Amazon spring sales on a wet Saturday afternoon, (as one does), I came across a real Bargain priced Bread maker, at first I kept on scrolling, thinking it’s just another thing I have to try to find room for in my tiny doll house size kitchen,.

So i moved on rather swiftly to look at other things Amazon had most thoughtfully thought I was in desperate need of, The exciting glow in the dark bicycle pump or maybe Some super comfortable boxer shorts in lurid lemon, or vibrant vermilion, couldn’t imagine my love in either 😁(in all fairness though they did indeed look roomy and comfy, if you see what I mean…But try as I may that bread maker was stuck firmly in my cell like mind…I imagined waking up to fresh still warm just baked bread, it’s yeasty scent circulating about the flat,..butter sinking slowly and deliciously into it, I drooled at the prospect, …but I couldn’t get away from where would it live in my dwindling space..huffing I shoved it in my basket before I went to make coffee, this indeed needed some thought,

So much so I decided to sleep on such an in-depth decision😁, (I know people are out there right now making life and death decisions, and here am I unable to decide on a blooming bread maker….that night as I slept I swear, I dreamt of bread, every kind of bread, big beautiful farmhouse Cobs, French bread, soft aromatic Parmesan and Olive bread, Date and walnut with hunks of strong nutty cheddar cheese, a big bouncy bloomer..(no no that’s bloomer as it bread folks not drawers, knickers, pants😁😲).Invariably I woke up hungrier than a hungry thing, hours later, the craving for toast ever present, in fact not only present but growing to immense proportion,s, I was ready to send for a cab at one point to fetch some and hang the cost😁 ., instead I reached over for my tablet I was gonna order that bread machine come what may, this time it was happening, I was determined, never sure of anything more right!!!!!?, yes this was it😁…..well that was until my sleep blurred vision took note of the price …..it doubled😳, it was going to in fact cost too much dough(sorry just couldn’t resist…but doubling the price was crazy…I backed right out of Amazon fast and didn’t return ….

Moving on rapidly with my day, which I might add did not fair any better,. See us folk with EDs, (no we are not talking about a male erm ticklish issue here😁,. No instead Ehlers Danlos syndrome is the culprit, I was born with it. It comes with a wide range of various health issues..but one that’s little known about is the clumsiness side of things, as a wee child I was always falling over, dropping things or managing to cause mayhem somewhere much to my mother’s annoyance….but even now a fully fledged adult doesn’t mean I escape this….that morning alone while cleansing my face, I had inadvertently managed to get a huge glob of white cleanser in my eye, how you ask?no don’t ask it’s something I excel at…the more I dabbed at it, the worse it become, my eye stung, and watered continually, even after I had removed the very last residual of offending white gloop….

Reaching across to grab the box I store my meds in, I must have misjudged distance(another effect of EDs,) and the tablets went tumbling upon the floor, the whole lot, …this was just the beginning of a long list of mishaps…you ever tried putting make up on an eye that won’t stop watering…well let me assure you it’s damn near impossible. as I tried drying my eye delicately, I spread black mascara down my cheek,. I began at this point to wonder which God I had offended to earn such wrath, I lit a large lavender pillar candle at one point in vain hopes I might appease whatever Deity I had caused upset too, only for the too short match and the too long candle to burn my thumb nail, sending vile burnt nail scented whispers of smoke about the room and a nice red blistered thumb…I blew the candle out quickly before I set ablaze to my house….😁…

I decided the best course and maybe the safest was to lay on my bed and read until Jesse woke up, this being not only the cowards way out, but causing the least damage to myself and my surroundings,.I didn’t have long to wait however though, we were soon going about our usual routine, making coffee and chatting for an hour before starting the day in earnest…I swiftly gloss over any minor issues and we talk about the serious points at hand, like no bread for toast that morning or the doubled price of the bread maker,😁. Throughout my day there’s still odd glitches but i,m an old hat at these things by now…..

The next day though while taking in an Amazon delivery I was in fact expecting, I was handed another rather large cumbersome box, (well unless eye pallet make up had grown in statue over night, something was indeed a miss, ..checking the name and address, I confirm it is in fact for me.

Intrigued I start with the big box first,, paper cuts not with standing I manage to finally man handle my way through the layers of endless brown tape without to much injury, ..there sat amongst wrappings, the perfect bread machine, I swear I heard choral music, angels were singing, the sun parted the dark clouds and in that minute I’m visioning that first 2lb loaf of golden bread….my mouth waters…

I knew instantly the where’s and hows, because sat quietly for once pretending to work away, a huge grin on his cheeky face sits Jesse, ” oh yes I meant to tell you about that a voice breaks through,my dreams of bread goodness”. ” Happy birthday he adds. ” in fact it’s not my birthday for two more weeks, but once his minds set there’s no shifting Jesse., But of course I’m thrilled and can hardly wait to get started,im already imagining my kitchen filled floor to ceiling with beautiful loaves ….

But last minute nerves, see me in fact wait until Jesse sleeps later that night, much later😳, . Stealing out into the kitchen in the dead of night, recipe book clutched in my hot little hand, bare foot and cold I open the page to gluten free bread…as I read down the list of ingredients, I know i already have everything I need…Gluten free flour, olive oil, yeast, salt, sugar….sugar!!!!!!?, I had forgotten about that..it’s been years since I had made bread…I shuffle about at the back of my cupboards, tins, packets and boxes landing everywhere, but it’s all in vain there’s not a grain of sugar to be found anywhere…but there is honey…surely honey will work right!?

I weigh out the ingredients, follow the recipe to the letter(except for the sugar of course replacing this with honey), it only takes moments to get everything in the machine compartment, ohhhh plus flour on the kitchen counter, in the sink, up the wall and over my t shirt 😁, So I’ve covered the flour section of the recipe…good job it’s wheatfree😁, I set the machine to work, pushing the required buttons, holding my breath and saying a prayer to the yeast goddess that my dough will in fact rise…now to do the difficult part of bread making….clearing up!..

The machine whirls, it’s pulsing start stop mixes accompanying me while I work at putting my kitchen back together, a semblance of its original state…I for once don’t mind this, I kept always in mind the bread…wonderful warm buttered bread….however it doesn’t take long to establish that instead of the perfect round dough ball the recipe book assures me I can expect by now…there’s this white sticky oozing gloop in its place….it looks absolutely nothing like dough…in fact it’s much more akin to that wall filler you can buy in those convenient tubes…I’m tempted to take the still warm pulsing ooze and fill the large growing crack in my bathroom with it, but I add another spoon of flour in the hopes it will correct the consistency of the mix and flounce off to bed, maybe the bread fairies will visit in the night?…

Next morning however as I creep quietly back out to my kitchen and gingerly lift the lid of the machine..I’m greeted with instead of lovely bread!, it’s more like the creature from the black lagoon, it has not risen at all, it sits there almost looking back at me defiantly. I decide instantly we won’t mention this ever…,to anyone!!!!, what happens in my kitchen, stays in my kitchen. I make coffee and pretend it didn’t happen😁,

Later on that afternoon I spend time cleaning up the machine, dropping the now weighing a ton cold heavy mix wiith disgust into my bin., After which once again I begin to repeat the exercise this time with an added ingredients(stubbornness and determination), I set about weighing, measuring with the mind set maybe just maybe I did something wrong, I had though earlier that day watched numerous YouTube videos on using my machine in preparation, it’s recipes, type of ingredients.,I was now ready surely?, this time it was going to happen..in three short hours I would be buttering home made bread,.

I closed the lid, press the button and walk away in the knowledge it was now in the lap of the gods, I could do no more. I distract myself for the time it takes, tempted all the time to go and see how things are going, but I refrain whether from nerves or in the hopes if I don’t look, it would all work out. However three hours later I get my answer…😐the same thing had happened once again, instead of a beautiful loaf of bread, there almost grinning back at me is the self same gloop…I’m at once disheartened, and if it wasn’t for the fact it had a gift from Jesse, I can confess here and now I would have shoved the machine to the back of some cupboard or another never to see the light of day again, just gathering dust….

But it was a gift, a lovely thoughtful gift and therefore I won’t give up., I try twice more, and with each time I become more deflated than the bread I had hopes of, I feel a complete failure, hearing ghostly voices in my head laughing at me, hauntingly pointing out all my previous disasters., But unlike all those previous occasions, I carry on…I ordered different flour, yeast and in fact also sugar in the end, And when it arrives once again I sneak off out into the kitchen like a thief, I want to be alone with my failure, if indeed all goes wrong….

But in fact what actually happened was the opposite, there Sat in my machine later that day, was this beautifully formed wonderful first 2lb loaf of bread, I could not believe my eyes, it was glorious, and I and my bread machine had combined to do this..we had made bread…I stand back and admire our handy work, it is indeed perfect! And I for one can hardly wait to cut myself a slice…and believe me I dont!😁, …it was light, fluffy, filled with air pockets, a sight to behold, I enjoyed every glorious mouthful, I’m glad I didn’t listen to my inner demons, whether it was the wrong flour, yeast or just bad luck I no longer care, now I have cracked it…I can see many happy years ahead for me and my Amazon basics bread machine…whatever your doing this weekend have a Happy Easter folks and take care of you x💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞

I would firstly like to say I woke up feeling like I didn’t want to move my achy body or do a darn thing today(but I can’t do this as it implies that I actually slept in the first place,. when infact I know full well I didnt). It all began roughly around 2am this morning, when a somewhat tired Jesse looked up from his keyboard where just moments previously he had been feverishly working away on a project… He asked quizzically, “what day is it today”? …half asleep by then, I look at him and with all seriousness, and say “Tuesday”, . Jesse replies back no actually it’s Wednesday.., I try to take this on board for a moment, my sleep deprived mind in non co operation mode, Surely not I muse, it had to be Tuesday right?, It felt like a Tuesday, looked like a Tuesday ….I know, I know what does a Tuesday look like?, Answers on a postcard please, (there no prize but it could be fun) Anyhow this totally rocked my orbit for me….I’m slowly processing this new and confusing information😁, when wham! I realise it has infact gone 2am, not only that but on a Wednesday morning, and I hadn’t taken out the recycling bin😳😱😳, to any “normal” person this is no big deal, the bin was only half full anyway, or is that half empty?hmmm, but once this dawns on me, I can no longer settle or concentrate….

Our bin collection is early morning here, anywhere between 6 or 7 am, it’s 2:30,. I see what your thinking, well just put it out now and have done, forget about and sleep right ????😁, Nope I couldn’t do that…shh the sleeping are neighbours….you ever tried to trundle one of those blooming bins quietly?…believe me it’s impossible, yes Ive tried😁, so there’s only one thing for it, take it out at 6, …that’s only four hours away…you’ve got this Treez,

By now Jesse is settle down softly sleeping for the night, we had put on a good old favourite Nordic noir detective series called Beck to sleepwatch(yes it’s thing)…perfect bedtime viewing lol, …I lay awake making it through the first episode, my eyes closing off and on from time to time, but I’m filled with a determination not to give in to this, it’s not happening, I need to get this bin out..eyes droop slowly down as I think this, it’s a conspiracy, I’m sure of it, .I do doze momentarily though, I must have…because when I look up at my tablet screen again, there in all his glory stood in just his tight Speedo underwear is a man flexing his errrrr muscles, yes muscles that’s it😁, talking very straight faced, deadly earnest about male incontinence wear….woahhhhh screeching to a halt here! Hang on there a cotton picking moment, what???? ..unless Detective Beck is moonlighing doing the odd commercial or has an issue he is seriously wanting to share with half the free world, theres something amiss…..when your half asleep and its 4am, your minds gone AWOL for the night, the closed sign till further notice well and truly up…You find you just can’t take your eyes from the screen..😁😳, I now can’t get this vision out of my mind, it’s burnt, most likely permanently, for all time on the backs of my eyes ..after sitting eyes blinking watching another fifteen minutes of the programme, I discovered that what I had actually just witnessed was in fact a commercial…I had inadvertently put on Freevee….phew my favourite detective was not reduced to selling depends pants for men on my telebox…I was beginning to feel sorry for him, even thinking maybe about starting his own go fund me page….that’s a relief then……

I do manage to stay awake in the end till 5:50, near enough,plopping my cold feet into my warm fuzzy red slippers, I unlock the door and creep out silently into the still inky blue -black dawn, I shiver involuntarily, it’s still cold at this time, I grab the bin and begin to try and walk it as quietly as I can…it’s impossible, in the early stillness it sounds almost like it’s echoing, booming out for All to hear and not only in my street …I shush it without thinking😁, but it’s too late, I see a curtain twitch sending a chinkof light out into the dreary darkness, I try ducking down behind the bin as I wheel it…but as I do this I can almost hear in my mind, my neighbours wife,s voice saying ..”oh it’s ok Chris it’s just our crazy neighbour taking her bin for a walk”….😁

Mission accomplished, I come in and lay down on my bed, the blankets still warm from where I had just moments before left them…I snuggle down in their comforting softness hoping to at least get a wee nap in before it’s too late….there’s not a chance though, I’m wide awake..

Later on at some point I know without a doubt I have to go on another walk, this is after all an on going project, if I’m to have any kind of mobility left in the years to come, I have to exercise…I knew I was putting off the inevitable, no sleep, too tired to eat, I couldn’t bring myself even to put on my shoes let alone leave the actual flat….I hurt after yesterday’s excursion, I did everything to delay, clean the kitchen, phone my daughter, not that I don’t do that anyway,… But after an hour chatting to Becky, I decided enough was indeed enough…I reluctantly pull on my trainers, snatch grouchily up my hoody and leave before I could change my mind yet again…

The further I walked from home, the harder it became, I felt the pull of home more strongly today, I needed the warmth of my room, to surround myself with my fleece blankets, ..instead I walk on..I realise I must cut a sad figure, walking out alone, phone in one hand, cane in the other…At some point that morning I had decided if I did indeed set out at all, I would try to do the twenty minute walk to the shops…I kept this information to myself, just in case it became too much and I changed my way half way…but I didn’t, the residual aching from yesterday, even the abcess I had developed upon my leg didn’t stop this need to see this to the finish line…today in all I put myself to the test and I won!…..twenty minutes walk there, twenty back, an exercise bike ride …my knees swollen more than usual, I hurt everywhere you can hurt…but the elation of completing everything I had set out to, crossing that finishing line makes it all worthwhile….let’s see what tomorrow brings though, take care out there folks 😁💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Day 2.

Yesterday as you may or may not be aware, was the first time I ventured forth from my Cave(flat) after the long winters hibernation, previously before this the furthest I had managed was either the small front garden or out to the laundry area, .I must confess here, it had infact become all too easy to watch winter play out its dramas from the relative warmth and safety of my living room window, it affords me the pleasure of taking part without actually, well you know taking part really 😁.

Problem with this being, when you live in an area no bigger than the average Caravan, your fitness levels drop dramatically over time, .this I hadn’t in fairness noted, until I did!😁, by then of course it’s all too late, the damage is done, .I found this out to my cost on going out for my first walk in weeks, Stupidly I had taken for granted that I would be able in fact just pick up where I had left off over the mild Autumn,.This was In fact not to be the case, I hadn’t gone far at all before not only did my legs and back begin to protest most profoundly, but what was more of a growing concern was the fact my chest had grown increasingly not only tight but wheezy….

Call me stupid or whatever but I really quite like breathing, it’s become an old friend😁, I have though in my past life had to use inhalers for short spells, this is not a path I’m looking to revisit, On today’s walk, I stubbornly not only walked that much further, I in fact pushed myself to walk up quite an incline, even on a good day this had been quite the Nemesis for me, today it was to prove itself no lesser the foe…I tried hard to concentrate on my breathing, keeping it that steady flow going, but the further along I walked the tighter my chest grew and more ragid the breaths came…giving myself credit, I achieved what I set out to do, but it came with a price..it has challenged my nerve.

I have suffered with Agoraphobia,Ptsd for over thirty years now, at its height I didn’t leave my home once in ten years, at its best I flew on my first ever flight to meet my love in America, extremes I know, but that’s me all over, ..for the last five years I have had what I suppose you could call a wee break from the effects of Agoraphobia, a holiday if you will., Being able to do pretty much what I needed and wanted to do, . Today as I pushed myself further on, wanting to prove to myself I had no limitations, I found out the opposite to be true,….I reached the goal I set myself earlier, only for a flashback to come on suddenly without a warning..stood there in the cold alone, nowhere to sit down, quite some ways from home,only just made matters worse…Sound became harsh and louder, traffic seemed to move faster, everything in fact seemed to speed up, the very ground beneath my feet felt spongy, no longer solid, I for the first time in years felt afraid …

But I had one thing I was to be extremely proud of,this was not only did I push those boundaries to the nth degree, Even when I did reach my Goal, the one I had set for myself, then only to feel those first bursts of panic hit and in fact reacted shockingly just as I had in my past life, (which had been to turn around and flee back to the relative safety of home, this time with what was left of my fast diminishing courage, I not only shakily stood my ground, but each time that over powering need to walk away hit, I turned right back and walked back to where my fear measured its worst…I did this not once but three times infact…

As I finally allowed myself to walk home an overpowering exhaustion engulfed my body, whether from a physical thing, mental, lack of food or a combination of all of the above there was no choice but to walk home..I used distraction as a tool to do this, searching under the hedgerows either side of the walkway for early flowering spring plants, trying to catch a glimpse of the birds as they flashed between branches, stopping to take pictures of a gloriously covered pink blossoming cherry tree, it took all those tools in my tool belt ones I hadn’t infact had to use in years, thinking I had long since forgotten, now here I was using them to coast me home, like some old wreck of a car fast running out of gas..but I knew there was little choice, And with this firmly in mind I made it.

Those of you who have suffered something similar will know that over powering relief you feel when you finally sight home, that release of all that tension, final calming of adrenaline, your tense muscles sag, you’ve made it, your safe…As I look up at the roof, there in the gutter heads bobbing as look down upon me inquisitive as ever, all in a line are sat old friends, Walter, Dave, Red, Freckle, Darcy, and the rest of my growing pigeon family, I can’t help but smile up at them..they can’t begin to know how pleased and relieved I am to be seeing them again…I plonk myself down upon the porch step ungainly, the body that had just moments before been covered in sweat, rapidly chilled as the cold breeze whipped about me, I longed for nothing more than a hug from the man I loved and a mammoth hot coffee, in fact what I got was half an hour sat shivering too exhausted to do anything about it, but as I sat there watching the pale orb of winter sun do it’s best to warm the ever darkening winter sky… My pigeons came down to the grass in front of me, to some they may be a nuisance, to me well their alive and company.. I can’t tell them about my adventures but they are there and that is very important to me,…. thank you for reading and talking part on what is in fact only the very tip of the iceberg, the beginning of one long and scary road, stay well and keep warm. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

For days now the guilt of not getting out doors even momentarily has weighed heavily upon my mind, it’s all so very easy this time of year to lapse into that deep winter hibernation, days, weeks sometimes even months pass by without I poke my head outside into the chill of winter air, easier still for those of us who have in a previous life suffered with Agoraphobia, Days came and went and I’m afraid I was way too content to just let em,😁, Somewhat satisfied with going out once or twice daily just long enough to feed the birds(Mainly my merry band of regular pigeons,.

Every morning on waking, I tried hard to convince myself this was going to be that day, the I would bravely leave my Cave and make a bid for freedom,. I would gamble merrily about the local fields, well ok hobble😁, but excuses came easily and I’m afraid the weather aided and abetted me in my laziness,. There’s not much fun walking about outside in pursuit of fresh air and exercise, only to return looking like a drowned rat with double pneumonia(what even is the double bit?)😁. …but today I’m afraid those excuses had left the building, which is more than I could say. Today I woke up to glorious sunshine streaming through the gaps in my bedroom curtains, I cursed it’s cheerfulness, how very dare it be so bloody bright, where was that back to back rain Alexa had just hours previous promised,Well what did she know anyhow, she let me down again and I wasn’t happy about it one bit…

After a quick flirt with the shower and getting clean, a passing thought flickered into my sleepy mind(yes I do have thoughts you know, not always intelligent or even the most logical I admit, but thought never less), as I was saying I toyed momentary about hanging the wash out on the line to dry, (and maybe just maybe this could count as my daily fresh air and exercise right?😁, Coffee!!! no matter the question, coffee I’m convinced really is the only answer.. It’s cold here in the flat especially first thing, so dressing quickly is a must…pulling anything I happened on from my chest of drawers in my haste to cover as much of me as possible, (luckily like magician pulling a surprise from the hat, it was in fact a t shirt and trousers first time…shaking I dressed quickly, even my shirt on the right way round …don’t ask 😲😁.

Jesse was still slumbering away quietly, as I sipped the hot coffee while reading the rubbish headlines in today’s newspaper, I really don’t actually read it if I’m being honest, I flick through for anything that catches the eye…unfortunately it’s all much of a muchness these days…After a quick tidy up, making my bed, I realised I had put off the moment as long as I dare, (I knew subconsciously or even consciously I would do just about anything to delay the inevitable, . Before I and the weather could change our minds, I slipped on my shoes, faithful black hoodie ,grabbing my keys I left the growing warmth and safety of the flat.

I had not gone more than a few steps before realising it was indeed the most gorgeous day…the sunlight stung my eyes after weeks of artificial dull light, A crystal blue sky mocked my reluctance to go out, only a few strands of fluffy white cloud stretched its expanse, racing across at speed from the residual remaining high winds of Monday …I came first upon the still blooming early blossoming plum trees, tiny white bracks of flowers despite their diminutive size, shared their sweet perfume, I buried my nose among the covered branches, breathing in deeply. Tiny finches hopped and twittered from twig to twig…flashes of bright yellow briefly caught my eye as great Tits chattered excitedly amongst each other, A lone Robin sang sweetly high up in a budding sycamore tree, my old pal white feather(my friendly Blackbird) flew jauntily from fence to fence in front of me, looking back every once in a while, the sun catching his curious bright beady black eye as he watched my progress, tail bobbing …

I wasn’t so sure how far I would chance walking today, my muscles had long since atrophied from the lack of exercise over the weeks, but I always surprise myself as I get caught up nature, I know you wouldn’t suspect much to be happening this early on in spring, but there your in for a shock, .upon some budding twigs I found row upon row of striped cream and brown crinkled edged fungus growing the length of its host… in the grass braving the spring chill wind grew tiny deep purple headed violets, their dark round leaves covered in miniscule hairs,. Growing lustily amongst hedges, the almost fluorescent star like yellow flowers of the winter Jasmine, they seem to almost steal all the attention for themselves in the sheltered home among the still bare branched shrubbery,

Odd escaped daffodils nod their heads in the breeze as you pass, snow drops shiver, Sky blue rounded petals of the ground covering Periwinkle, Even at the base of trees there’s large gatherings of showy purple flowering nettles, other plants slowly awakening , not yet really convinced the freezing winters done with us and spring is indeed on its way…

I walked on a while enjoying the sunshine while it lasts, for more winter weather has been predicted by the weekend, seems almost impossible, as I watch the first big Bees still sleepy from their own hibernation somewhat clumsily fly by, the songs of birds heralding nesting season, still winter could surprise us all with a last hurrah….why not wrap up warm yourselves folks and go find mother natures beauty…take care all, stay warm and well 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛x

On waking this morning, I already knew upon opening my eyes, without a shadow of a doubt, it was going to be a high pain level kind of day. Everything hurt. Just getting myself through the night I had taken my maximum amount of pain relief, so now, with one shocking med hangover, I was going to have to negotiate the whole rest of that day. First, a climb into the bath. (I glared at the offending articles, as if it was more like climbing Everest.) Okay, it was, in fact, actually more like a scramble over the side, which turned into an unladylike fall in. This didn’t help matters, but, hey… I was at least in! It was then, of course, only once I was there, the realisation hit me: (slaps head ouchhhhh!) I hadn’t put on the boiler for hot water an hour before. (😳) And there was no way I was scrambling back out of that blooming tub without at least having a perfunctory scrub down. I was determined, my mind, such as it was, made up.

I filled two large buckets with water, albeit extremely cold, went on to pouring half a bottle of fruit scented shower gel into each, doing the best to convince one’s self more gel would mean I would be clean faster right? (😁) Well, in theory it sounds okay. In practice the icy water was indeed still, well, icy! But I poured it over my already cold self. What made matters seem worse was I was now smothered in soap lather and had to use more of the beautifully over-night chilled water to this rinse off. (I need protection from myself at times, I swear.) (😁) But if there was a plus side to this whole debacle, I now smelt deliciously like the fruits of the forest jam my mother made.

After defrosting myself (At least on the inside anyhow) with the aid of a large, most welcomed mug of hot coffee, I set about hanging out my laundry. It was, after all, turning into a glorious morning.  If anything, it was somewhat mild for February, even taking into account the slight breeze… perfect drying weather though. Then for some reason I felt the sudden urge to sketch. (I have not done this for at least 18 months now.) I chose something uncomplicated and of interest for my first attempt:  a large autumnal tree. An easy subject. To the point. Uninspiring for some, I suppose, but then I’ve always loved trees. Without much ado I set to work.

It’s odd how quickly the time speeds by when one’s mind is really fully submerged. I had needed to get something on the blank sheet of paper quickly before I felt intimidated by the large expanse I was about to cover. Once the skeleton of the tree appeared I began with its long twisted limbs, using the slight tremor in my hands to its full advantage. I wanted it gnarly, branches stretching fully like grasping hands. Sitting in silence, it became almost hypnotic, mesmerising. I felt a sense of peace and calm.

Within an hour I had not only the one main tree, but others soon grew up out of the page, appearing pale almost ghostly in the background. It’s in these times, moments, I feel close to my father, instantly drawn back in time to far-off Saturdays of yesteryear. Swirls of blue cigarette smoke filling the living room, the smell of linseed, turps, oil paint, dad standing at his easel, me, of course, wanting to imitate, stood in front of a large water colour art pad propped haphazardly against the back of a kitchen chair. I had a small saucer for a pallet, dabs of each colour in a circle. My father was, of course, too wise to let me loose with oils; one, because of the mess, then, of course, there was the added cost to factor. We always had music on as my mother had gone out, the room filling with Nancy Sinatra, Bill Hayley, Glen Miller, James last and we sang raucously as we worked at our projects.

I found though I couldn’t sit for long, pain making me restless and uneasy. Reluctantly I put away my pencils and sketch pad, suddenly feeling the need to escape the confines of my flat. I put on my shoes and jacket and walked out into the mild afternoon air. My gait was somewhat slower and I leant more heavily on my walking stick than I would have liked, but my eyes were soon captivated by early blooming Hawthorns, their small creamy white flowers even now filling the air with perfume,  it’s green budding branches filled with tiny birds, twittering as they flit from branch to branch; Chaffinches, robins, blue tits, house sparrows darting about excitedly.

The farther on I ventured I was delighted even more by sprigs of random growing pale white and lime green snowdrops, their bell-shaped heads nodding in the breeze. Delicate purple violets nestled amongst the grass, palest blue star-shaped climbing periwinkle flowers and the glorious showy bright yellow winter jasmine looking like starbursts among olive green tiny leaves. My eyes darted everywhere spotting hidden treasures beneath hedgerows, signs of spring already making her presence felt though it still be winter. The deep steel-grey sky above me was providing plenty evidence of that. I took photos where I could with the intentions of drawing later. Although I wanted to capture everything in sight, at the same time not wanting to miss a single thing. I did, however, take a moment to get a few pictures of an old broken farm gate, propped against an elder. It was quickly being taken over by a splendid waxy-leaved ivy, its vines putting the structure that had been long since abandoned to good use. It was, however, all too soon time to return home, my legs protesting greatly at the added exercise. Walking slow so as to take in anything I had missed, I found an interesting section of a branch laying upon the grass, dried out over time. It’s creamy ochre colours and twisted shape caught my eye. I did no more than pick it up to bring home. It sits upon the table now, a solitary reminder of nature and the outdoors where I love being… a souvenir of the day. Until next time, take care of yourself. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

 

Firstly, let me wish everyone a happy Valentine’s day, (Before you say it, yes, I know there’s those of you out there who, rightly or wrongly, believe it to be an over-commercialised, made-up sort of day in order to part folks with their hard earned cash.) I understand this and believe there’s some merit in it. But just take a moment if you will. In these times of harshness, cold hard cruelty, political unrest, strikes, death, and destruction, let’s add a little softness, romance, beauty and (dare I actually say it) love, not only for this of all days, but as a beginning of a new paradigm. ❤

You must all know by now mine and Jesse’s story… how we met fell in love and decided, despite or is it in spite of, all the daily hardships, including distance, just trying to hold on to something so beautiful yet also so very fragile as is love. In reality it’s like trying to hold a butterfly in your hand. You can, but if you’re not careful you could also crush the very thing you’re trying so hard to protect. It’s been five long tortuous years with only the briefest oasis of three months together. This is all we have to cement our love, the glue that holds together the very foundations and our future. Each day apart is like its predecessor, too long, too cold, too hard and vastly unfair.

But amongst all this angst and turmoil, there’s moments we wouldn’t change for the world… moments of sheer joy, gratitude and love. We truly are a couple of children – our jokes awful, mischievous in every sense – but there are very few days in which laughter doesn’t fill these separate houses we dwell in. And not only laughter… we plot and we scheme to bring about an element of surprise into each other’s lives. It’s not always easy while you’re on the phone with each other 24/7/365, but even with this challenge, we manage, and do a grand job.

Sunday.

Sunday has never been a favourite day of mine, actually! The other days of the week are okay in themselves, I suppose, but it seems to me that Sundays seem to drag? Plus, any issues either I’ve had or problems both myself and Jesse have encountered have always been on a Sunday. Not sure whether it’s coincidental or just is. This Sunday though I awoke very early, set about my day while my love slept on. (Time differences will, of course, do this.) 😁 I’m so, so bored that I have found myself making up jobs for myself to do, creating a mess in order to have something to tidy again later, washing on, kitchen clean, hoovering done. I’m now at a loose end. I bodge up a crossword. You’d be surprised what words you can cram into those small grids, some your mother would, I dare say, not approve of either… most especially on the Sabbath. (Have you ever played swear word Crossword? 😈 Kind of like swear word Scramble, just with a grid. I blush when I say I excel at both these.) This done and after watching a cute little film on prime, I set about finding more chores for my idle hands to do. (Never easy in a flat the size of a small shoe box.) I had thought about knocking on a few neighbour’s doors to see if they would like assistance with their housework but wasn’t sure this would be quite welcomed in the spirit with which it was offered though so I thought better of it and settled for cleaning the kitchen floor.

Soon after I had stepped away from the soapy clothes-scrubbing implements of torture, Jesse woke up, not sure if it was from enough sleep or my ear splitting rendition of Hallelujah. 😁 We made our coffee and sit chatting for an hour together which is usual for our split time zone routine…I filled him in with my day, floor scrubbing included. (Such excitement you’re thinking) 😁 After this brief moment of calm, in what is otherwise madness, we go about the rest of the day. Sometime later though while I’m deeply ensconced in a game of online Ludo, my love’s voice pipes up from cosy confines of phoneland: “Honey, I’ve bought you a nice extended handled brush and dustpan from Amazon, so you don’t have to bend down while sweeping” Aw-w-w-w-w.  I thought it so thoughtful. Jesse went on to say “Happy Valentine’s Honey” Again I know what you’re thinking here ladies! But Jesse knows me too well and what’s not to love about a dustpan and brush? At least it wasn’t pink, right? Plus. with my back issues as they are, it is an exceptionally thoughtful gift. Gotta love him. ❤ He went on with needless explanations about how normally he wouldn’t buy me domestic items for Valentine’s, birthdays etc, but there was a need, and I agreed wholeheartedly.

Yesterday, being the big day itself, I had made plans for a small walk in the morning just to get some air while Jesse slept. As I readied myself doing my checking to ensure I have the necessary accoutrements, then the re-checking of phones, keys, etc., before actually going, a car pulls up outside my flat. Strange, I thought. 🤔 But thinking it was for my neighbours, I carry on getting ready. Just as I’ve finally done my third check around the flat (😁) pulled on my dreaded shoes and socks (hate anything on my feet) I’m ready to go. I just make it to the door as my doorbell goes. Sigh.

Upon opening the front door there’s a young girl stood with a package and balloons in her hand, behind this youngster stood a lady. In her arms is the most resplendent bouquet of flowers! Both of these ladies have beautiful big grins spread across their lovely faces, obviously loving every second of their jobs. Even though I know Jesse as I do, it’s still always the most wonderful surprise to receive these gorgeous floral arrangements, it never fails to make me dumbfounded, or overwhelmed. I stand quietly for one of the few times in my life, for these flowers touch deep within my heart just the same as the very first offering of twelve long stemmed red roses at Christmas five years previously. Never having received flowers from a man before, I had buckled and sobbed. The flowers yesterday did much the same. I took them silently, overwhelmed at such a gift. There was a card, balloons, and last but by no means least, a Cake. I am indeed most spoilt, still lost for words, I finally managed to thank both the ladies before I, in somewhat of a daze, shut the door.

Jesse was half asleep still, but, even so, knew who the callers of course were. I sank down onto my sofa, opened the beautiful heart shaped card, read the thoughtful verse my love had dictated within. After all this time things like this still knock me off my feet. It’s also one of the few times I’m in silence. I’m convinced this, besides the fact Jesse is a romantic, is the reason behind the offering. 😁

The cake.

The bouquet is from our most favourite of florists, who is no longer in truth just a flower seller in a small town…Emma has, in fact, become more like a friend. The flowers are of the very best quality, stunningly arranged, and last normally over a week. The card is equally as well thought out, always home made for that very personal touch one comes to expect from Emma and the Finishing Touches family. But then, add to this the most exquisite, sumptuous piece of confectionery perfection in a heart shaped cake, the whole gift ensemble is one that really is more than anyone could have asked for, leaving the giver a most amazing fiancé and the giftee feeling more special than she has in a lifetime. I cannot thank our messenger of love, Emma, enough for all her creative hard work or my love for such a well-planned-out and most thoughtful gift, especially the cake. How well this man knows me, because he knows my one true weakness has to be cake. 🎂 Thank you once again, my love.

I hope you all had a wonderful day yesterday. Take care of yourselves out there. I’m now off to get a slice of that gorgeous cake. 💛🎂💛🎂💛🎂💛🎂💛🎂💛🎂💛🎂💛🎂💛🎂💛🎂💛🎂💛🎂💛🎂🎂💛🎂💛🎂💛

Monday.

All my fellow insomniacs out there will, I’m sure, if not sympathise at least get where I’m coming from. Right now I’m on night seven of little-to-no sleep. I would have normally crashed around about the week mark, fallen into involuntary deep and a somewhat unnatural dream-filled sleep, but, alas, last night it was to prove elusive to any or all my feeble attempts. I tried every trick in my very ample tool box, from favourite costume dramas on my tablet, self-hypnosis (or is this by now psychosis😁), calming music, strong pain meds, then, lastly, but by no means least, finishing off with a large bowl of comforting cereal. Don’t we all love a nice bowl of 4am cornflakes?😁.

Laying back down again, my cover nest pulled up tightly around my ears, something akin to swaddling like a small child, I lay restless in the semi-darkness, my ears attuned to the surrounding sounds: Cinnamon rabbit laying waste to his latest Amazon box, cats outside having a very unfriendly turf war, the flat’s natural creaking as it expands and contracts as the dawn chill onsets, Jesse’s sleeping sounds in phone land… all bringing their usual sense of peace and some comfort.

I change numerous times from my right side onto my back, as my mind begins its usual barrage of unanswered questions. I’m sure you all know the ones I’m talking of here, like why does January have three more days than February? (Surely there’s a logical answer, but I cannot think of one.) What was the first human thinking about when they ate meat for the very first time? Did he/she begin with licking a nearby cow for instance? Then thinking ‘hmm, you taste okay-ish but… maybe if I put you in my handy cave air-fryer at 400 degrees for ten minutes you would taste a whole lot better! 😁 Then there’s a recent question plaguing my mind. Not world peace. Noooo! But why has my favourite chocolate, Galaxy, changed its recipe? This was the most serious of questions for me, as it was my favourite chocolate of all time. (Note the “was” here.) Its taste and texture very different now, hardly any flavour and not the smooth satin sweet taste of yesteryear. I was in the beginning outraged and incensed. I rarely eat chocolate these days but when I do I want to know it tastes exactly the same as I left it. I want to be indulged with that soft, silky, seducing, comforting sweetness, just like an old friend. (Well, maybe not. I don’t usually go around taking bites out of my friends, you’ll be glad to hear.) But oh noooo! They had to go and change it!!!!!!🙄 This is exactly how my sleepless mind whirls.😁

Over the weekend I finished my first ever diamond painting picture. In the very beginning when I started out on this new venture, I wasn’t even sure I would have the patience to complete it, but at least here I succeeded. Anything I find daunting or overwhelming I break down into smaller, more manageable sections, each day working on a small piece for upwards of an hour. For some reason, placing one small bead after another on its almost indistinguishable letter or number has become relaxing. Before I know it, time passes by without note. The cocooning warmth blown from my small heater envelopes me, its white noise as it rattles and whirs away fills the silence. I’m immersed totally, not only is it quieting my over active nervous system, but I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment the nearer to completion I get.

In between these diamond painting sessions I get up to stretch out the kinks in my back and neck. My neck has plagued me for years, becoming more painful the older I get. It grinds and clicks with increasing frequency, so it’s essential I only sit bent over my project for short spells. I make myself a coffee and look out the living room window. It’s become a beautiful day. The sky’s completely blue, cloudless, and I feel compelled to go outdoors. I say ‘compelled’ because it’s an almost involuntary urge, refusing to be silenced or ignored despite all my best efforts. I don’t feel up to walking at the moment. I haven’t in some time now, so I strike a compromise… a bargain with myself, knowing there’s a chance I may see one of my neighbours, and that can only be of benefit, as living a secluded lifestyle is one thing, but it’s not good mentally. I’m very aware of this. So, wrapping myself tightly in a warm wool cape Jesse bought me before Christmas, I go out and sit with my coffee on the front step. The sun is welcoming, coming with a surprising amount of warmth in it for what is, after all, still winter. It’s soothing and I feel at once mellow, closing my eyes, tipping my head back, relaxed. Only when I hear a familiar ‘coo coo’ from the gutter above am I disturbed from this revelry.

Walter and Dave.

I look up in the direction from where the sound emanates. There, peeping nervously from their gutter hiding place, are two bobbing, curious heads, turning this way and that, each training one beady eye upon me. I know immediately why I’m being watched. It’s past their feed time. Twice daily, every day without fail, I go out with a large plastic beaker filled to the brim with seed, filling my makeshift bird table with half, before scattering the rest upon the grass. This has gone on since the end of September! I started out with one pair of pigeons, followed rapidly by their ever growing brood. They, in turn, brought over their friends and family. 😁 Over the weeks, not only have they grown to recognise their host, but I can tell them apart: familiar wing patterns, colouring, body shape differentiates them.

Day after day my pigeon family not only gets larger in scale, but grow more at ease with my daily presence. In particular, one large immaculately-feathered guy I like to call ‘Walter’ and his ever-present, ever-faithful second-in-command: Dave. Dave is much smaller, darker and slimmer in stature. He checks out the neighbourhood nervously while Walter crams vast amounts of feed in greedily. Over the weeks I’ve noticed these two becoming bolder in their approach to feeding, no longer waiting until I go in. No, now they have taken to coming down while I stand there. I’m convinced they have cottoned on craftily to the fact the others are not so ready to follow suit. It has advanced to the point when I shake their container and call “come on!!!!” they swoop down from their lofty watching perch upon the roof. This, though, is changing rather rapidly, as others are becoming more settled with me. Freckles, Olive, Colin, Red have taken to joining them, and I must confess, I look forward to these daily interactions with my band of feathery friends. It enhances each day. We have become co-dependant. I’m aware to some these beautiful, harmless creatures are considered vermin. I’ve even heard them called Sky Rats and far, far worse. I’m aware their numbers grow yearly, but they are living, breathing, intelligent beings. I know some believe they carry disease, but then so do other birds. And, considering pigeon fanciers are responsible for their very existence in the first instance and taking into account also their usefulness during both 1st and 2nd world wars, the joy brought about by feeding them is priceless. I know they make a big difference to many, not just myself. Well folks… from Walter, Dave, Colin, Red, Freckles, Olive and me… take care of yourselves.💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦

It was just before Christmas I decided in my somewhat infinite wisdom to finally give in and buy myself a printer, a very timely black Friday Amazon offer also finally sealed the deal… I settled my mind on a HP product. I’ve little to no tech knowledge, so it’s more that I had recognised the branding than anything😁,. It was only after I hit the buy it now button though that the real panic began to set in,. in the past I had always relied on either of my son’s to set up anything computer related, I know enough to be dangerous but that’s my limitation I’m afraid, it is self doubt and know how that stops me trying more by myself…the printer in question is blue tooth, that part I’ve no issue with, learning over the years by living alone plus much trial and error😁, more error though really.

I was dreading it’s arrival more than looked forward to it, I must confess, just the thought all those wires,(turns out there was only one) finding where ink cartridges go,which side where, getting it out its box in one piece even 😁, No this wasn’t my idea of fun,,Your asking so why get one at all then Theresa, good question?, Well in the past I’ve had to trawl pages of information trying to find local places that will print documentation for me…..not driving this then involved a cab ride, or relying on my friend Debbie to get there, when I arrived I would become tongue tied as to what was required how many copies and so forth, the person doing it would roll their eyes impatiently hands on hips, which would only serve to make me yet more anxious if anything, . Plus I like to take photos quite a lot and have had this fancy for some time now of how I would like to fill these white bland walls with their images, especially those of my dogs, (who are sadly no longer around).

If this was in fact to come about, I would indeed need to put aside my techno phobia and all self doubt… would also have to step up to the mark and embrace all things gadget, after all they are here to make our lives easier right?😁, .

It actually arrived well before Christmas, but I just couldn’t get my head around the holiday season, visiting my sons, being outside amongst my fellow humans and technology all at the same time….far to much for my brain to take in all at once., So I gave myself a get out of goal free card, deciding that after Christmas would be more than soon enough Thank You very much(I really am bad at putting off anything I’m not comfortable with). After I took the last of the decorations down, packed them up, the box in the corner of the living room would be silenced no more…it had at this point glared at me accusingly many times…I was also frustrated with myself, It surely would come with full instructions, I can read ….so where was the problem….the actual problem lay with lack of confidence…I don’t just lack, there’s none, not something you can knock next door and ask to borrow a cup of either…although the thought had crossed my mind….(not borrowing confidence😁, asking the guy next door whose into all things computing, for assistance. But this galled me, I should be able to do this for myself….I try so hard to be independent

I had put it off quite long enough by the end of last week, after moving the box yet once more to Hoover under, I knew the time had come, ….making a coffee, because this didn’t only require thought, I needed caffeine infusing my little grey cells, fortication, let’s face it I needed all the help I could muster..First step open the box!, Well that much went well, 😁, And there laying on top was a tomb of instructions…massive booklets, and they have pictures, itemized and everything, big easy to follow diagrams😁🤔, I gave it a quick flick through and decide that’s all quite enough for one day…do want to get too ambitious.

Next day I find out its plug, easy sorted, Its soon situated upon my dual purpose chest of drawers/desk thingy, it sits along with my note books, desk organiser and all my other accoutrements, looking quite professional😁, now for that big bravery test….blue tooth the printer to my Lenovo laptop….bad enough I’m still intimidated by the fancy laptop, but now here’s a printer to contend with….I find out straight away where the ink cartridges fit…after checking not once but in fact three times they are in the right place, I already know this is not going to be a simple task….I move on, once again I follow the diagrams, step by painful step. Checking And re checking, my confidence begins to grow..I actually understand what I’m asked to do….

It was all going so well,

I tapped away on the keys of my laptop, following the process, giving it the required information, make, model etc, yes I muttered away to myself and it, assuring us both, I had infact turned the printer on…the big blue flashing button blinked away over the other side of the room…then it happened….sighs, right across my laptop screen came there’s a corrupt file or some such nonsense….who corrupted it I ask no one in particular?, When I find them their in big trouble….it wants me to call or go into chat with tech support…..I am not amused, I hate phones, and chatting with someone I’ve never met amused me far less….but out of the two, it’s by far the less of two evils….ok let’s do this….

I type away to Alyssa, remembering my manners I introduce myself, give a brief history of the issue at hand, And beg her patience as my terminology may or may not be correct or in fact make actual sense even…she tries her best to reassure me, I for my part am not so confident though…she has never dealt with such as myself before….between us we re-follow the steps taken again…only for the big shouty words Corrupt file to appear again….Alyssa tells me I need to call up tech support, I’m immediately not happy….what if they ask me to do grown up tech stuff, download things, find files, nope I can’t do this…I panic!!!!, Doubts, fears, go into overdrive…

But I find myself taping the phones keypad before I can give into it …almost immediately a male voice tells me his names Alex, I explain our issue, and here’s where I make my next mistake….I tell him nervously that I’m really not good with technology, so pleased explain slowly, then explain again….he tells me kindly not to worry, we will manage some how. I’m not sure I share his confidence😁 , but I follow his instructions, he tells me we are going to open a shared window, so he can take over remotely….I’ve no clue what Alex is going on about but do as asked…..before I know it there’s an arrow darting back and forth across my screen, clicking things at the speed of light🤔, I sit back and watch fascinated…..

He asks is the printer turned on….the blue lights still merrily flashing away to itself…least this is working 😁. He goes silent the arrow still flashing from page to page…when he finally speaks, it’s to inform me the laptop has these things called Trojans….I’m unsure what in fact a Trojan is, but I don’t want them rampaging about my laptop that’s for sure….Alex explains I’ve no antivirus software …….not only on the laptop, but my phone, tablets, even Mifi…….I’m listening intently, then all of a sudden my nerves subside and anger kicks in….hang on a cotton picking minute….I re run swiftly over the conversation I had with my Son Andrew, when he gave me the laptop last year….I was sure he mentioned he had loaded a form of anti virus…..And Andrew being Andrew ever cautious, I knew he would do this as a matter of course, I also knew I had purchased this when I bought my phone, the tablets are Amazon fires, both have protection, as does the Mifi… Alex not realising I was going over things quicker in my memory than my laptop could, then came back with another Gem of information, him and his team of techs, could for a small monthly fee install antivirus software for me, I really needed it apparently as everything including my banking app was at risk…..

Anger now welled up inside me, I know I have issues with anything that’s unfamiliar to me, and I’m in some ways vulnerable, but I do know a sales pitch when I hear it…I’m fuming, I hate this feeling that I’m not in control of the situation, I feel alone ….but then a far off voice within, speaks for me, ” I think I’m going to leave it Alex, I’m sure I have antivirus , in fact I know I do” ….I speak to my Son and ask his advice ….I put down the phone before I say more than I have, more than no want to…..

My son took all of five minutes to have my problem sorted, now my printer is up and running ….it turns out there’s no warrior Trojans running lose and free about any of my gadgets, my antivirus is firmly in place as it always was until someone had turned it off, I’ve no idea how you would go about this never mind do it😁, there is only one conclusion to this be careful with these things, I could so easily have signed myself up for a years contract for no reason…it’s easily done, if in doubt folks check it out….worse comes to the worst you can always get back in touch…..just be careful out there. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎

it was one Weird wet and wild Wednesday

I had been awake most of the previous night doing the two cover shuffle,(you all by now know the one) starts both covers on, covered right up to my neck, covers off, one cover on, feet hanging out the bottom, half a cover on, and so it goes on throughout most of the night or indeed until I’m far too exhausted to even care anymore, normally this is around 5am mark, by laying there awake though I have had an opportunity to quietly listening to the rain outside fall, its rhythmically soft pattering beats against my windows, it’s almost hypnotic in tone, that balm to my by now over fractious nerves, wind howls around the flat, whipping up anything in its wake, only for it to land back down someplace else with a loud clatter, I find though I don’t mind this, strangely it is in fact somewhat of a comfort.

I finally give up on even trying to sleep as is my won’t to do.(often), laying there trying only frustrates me even more, I normally get up and find something to occupy the extra hours, like cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, whatever. anything but clock watch..sometimes though I do lay back down and drift in and out of sleep while I’m supposed to be watching some programme or another😁….that afternoon while i write, a voice from my phone breaks the companionable silence, and it’s of course Jesse informing me, “by the way, your air fryer is coming Friday” …..I look up from my tablet, ” my what’s what’s coming when? “. This is news to me…..

I should fill you in on a few things here….if ever either one of us will mention we are thinking of getting, or like something….the other will sneak off quietly to Amazon and order it…I had been watching Jesse use his Airfryer, for a few weeks now, and have liked the resulting food, it’s kind of like magic …you shove something in a drawerthingy…press beepy buttons, do this pre wash I mean pre heat wotsit…And ten minutes later or there abouts ping and tahdah!!!!!!!!, Golden brown cooked gorgeousness, I’m thinking aloud one day to myself, I really should invest in one of my own….my mistake there is I said it aloud 😁, Anyway I admit I was somewhat taken aback, but it’s the kinda sweet thing Jesse does…

Friday morning

Im also expecting deliveries, and of course Thursday night’s the one night of the week my body decides it needs to sleep,lots of bloody sleep, it’s not to be just light sleep either, it’s that kind where your neighbours could be jackhammering down partitioning walls next door and you don’t budge, marching bands can practice outside your window, and your still being the sleepy percussion section all on your ownsome😁…., I finally stir though, eyes flicker open enough for me to realise it is in fact a new day or morning!!!!!!, Just as my still sleep infused brain tries hard to process this information, I hear a dim and distant ringing in my ears, firstly I lay in wait for it to dissipate(no one like ringing in the ears)….but it doesnt, no instead it just grows louder and more insistent, finally it dawn’s on me, someone’s at my door!. Damn….this means my usual rush about, finding trousers, door keys…and my use of the English language.. I have to string real words together….I would say make sense but ermmmm, Anyhow by now I’ve one foot inside the leg of my trousers, trying to grab the keys, looking out of the window at one very bemused postie,. But by the time I get somewhat halfway decently dressed, unlock the door…it’s to see his back walking away..now I’m confused, doesn’t take much folks, especially BC……before coffee.

Turns out, hes made a mistake, he was meant to go next door, sigh!, I go make a coffee, and decide lazily to go drink it in bed, while watching an episode of my latest Prime video addiction….I lay warm and snuggled deep in my pile of covers,… just got passed the recap, music begins…..there’s that blasted ringing again….I listen for a moment in vein hope it will go away 😁, but it doesnt unfortunately, luckily for myself though I do still have trousers on this time, I get to the door to find a very apologetic electrician stood there, tool box in hand(down ladies this is not, I repeat not!!!! A euphemism, false alarm) …he looks across to my neighbours house, nodding in their general direction, ” sorry love I’m meant to knock there” ….I mutter something under my breath about it being ok, well it is still before BC….didn’t get chance to even get a sip of my coffee as of yet….

I make my way grumpily back to bed, lay down, relaxing, about to enjoy my still warm drink before it goes cold, when you,’ll never believe this! 😁, the door goes…….by now I’m taking this personally, (is there a large queue of various people just hiding round the corner waiting for me to go back to bed) I frustratedly fling back my covers, my face like thunder, I wrench open my door, a delivery lady stands there…I think she’s even now picked up on my foul mood, I’m rarely moody as a rule, unless it’s before I’ve had chance to wake up and I’m expected to people!!!!!😁…..it could only happen to me, she was meant to go to another address….I mean once is one thing, twice is a coincidence, three times I mean really !!!

I have decided to give up on ever having a leisurely coffee in bed ever again!!, mostly because the coffee I made earlier is of course cold(I hate cold coffee). I wash, get ready for the day at hand, make yet another coffee, I at least still have the awaited airfryer to look forward too right?!!!!, I confess I was excited, looking forward to air frying anything that didn’t move lol…..

Airfrying…

It arrived, ……..by late that afternoon the delivery guy stood weighed down by this enormous box…wasn’t even sure if it actually was a guy, maybe its box on legs😁….the box bit mumbled something from his hiding place….I presume it was about it being for me…..I take it off his hands, relieved all at once that it was nowhere near as heavy as it looked, And more so that there’s a whole person now stood there, not just a pair of discombobulated legs…..I mumble a thank you from behind my new look box body….

Before I can do anything more, I have to tackle the grand opening of ” The box”….I do declare this thing was nearly as big as my living room, although this is not hard really, But I sit where I can now find an available spot left….puzzled?!, One: should I get out my best permanent marker, draw Windows and a door on this thing and move in…two :Jesse’s air fryer was never this size, I’m amost sure of it, three: where the blooming Nora am I going to put it, my kitchen being smaller than most people’s beds……I scratch my head, then begin the serious business of unpacking the monster…..

After a few choice words, (not any my mum would be proud of I hasten to add) one broken pair of scissors, two broken nails…..I finally get into the blooming box, well actually I thought I had….because low and behold underneath there is yet another box…..I sit getting my breath back before beginning the next endeavour…armed with one side of the now broken scissors……(if it’s broken in half, I have to wondered is that now become a scissor hmmmmm😁, … Very soon have it undone, unpacked and the prized airfryer, sits upon the floor while I’m left panting for air…..with some relief I see it’s nowhere near the actual size of its boxes 😁, I find it’s instructions out,. first line though I swear is a sarcastic unpack your airfryer!!!!!, What does it think I’ve been doing for the last half hour?, I carry on hoping to come across some insightful or at least useful information…..only for it to demand that I get to know my new airfryer….no I’m not kidding either, its what it said in big bold letters…🤔, (so clearing a spot on the sofa, lay down comfy and tell it all about myself,. I actually felt quite good after, it was like many of my early counselling sessions….😁,

I eventually found room for it on the only counter space left, that evening I look forward to making my first meal, well ok a plate of chips 😁, I’ve kind of got to grips with the do,s and donts, whys and where fors..it’s like getting to grips with any new gadget, all takes time…I’ve used it a few times now and in the beginning I was a little nervous, but on the whole I like the way it cooks, chips are crisp and golden, the chicken golden outside but moist and tender…the future relationship with me and my Vortex air fryer looks brilliant…it won’t be long before we are producing many a passable meal together, stay well and safe folks ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤.

On waking yesterday, I was already well aware that we were well on our way to embarking on yet another year…I had no great plans nor celebrations in mind, just a slow relaxed slide into 2023, (first time of writing that😁, now see if I can remember it later)..myself and Jesse had however planned to cook together, both buying a steak, frozen oven Steak chips, mushrooms, green beans etcetera, ….I admit I rarely buy steak for myself, let alone a decent cut, last night was though to be the exception, we had so looked forward to the feast all week,(that’s always the best bit isn’t it the anticipation, looking forward to our culinary delights our cooking skills have improved leaps and bounds over the years) ….but I have to confess here…what I was really looking forward to were those Chips(fries). I had avoided carbs since last April. So was drooling at just the Mere thought….

In the knowledge of this very thing, I had made the decision I wouldn’t eat anything during that day, (choosing instead to save up those calories like an excited child saving pocket money. My stomach growled several times throughout that day with protest, but I held it at bay, with three large mugs of steaming coffee and the promise of those thick cut golden crispy chips, the day seemed to go on forever, but we finally gave into the call of hunger around 7pm …I could hold out not a moment more…my insides gnawed at me with hunger, So the cooking process finally began in earnest…

Sheer Gluttony…..

Only problem with cooking when your stomach is doing it’s best grizzly bear impressions, is you tend to a wee bit crazy and portion control or there lack of goes straight out the window…..after cooking the steak to perfection I left it to rest in foil while I set about the prized chips, (oh that smell as I opened the bag, all that starchy, greasy, carb filled goodness, I swear it was all I could do to not give in to temptation and shove a frozen chip straight in my mouth there and then..my hand strayed with a chip betwixt to fingers nearer and nearer my waiting mouth…I was valiant, a warrior…and fought back those tempting potato morsels…reluctantly confining them on their baking sheet to my waiting oven…the countdown began 😋😁.

I tried every kind of distraction, while the wait went on, and on, and on…..it was indeed the longest twenty minutes in my lifetime … I paced restlessly, doing chores that really didn’t require my immediate attention, like hanging up a large courtyard scene picture I had been bought for Christmas by Jesse,(it looks beautiful after all said and done, but in truth there had been no hurry, I just wanted to fill time., Jesse filled time bustling about his kitchen, cleaning and tripping over his large slumbering ginger cat…talking away to the dog…both our minds on one thing though…Chips!!!!!!!!

At last my oven pinged, I rushed out to the kitchen…the glorious warm smells assaulted my nostrils all at once….I was going to have food at long last…and no matter what I was going to enjoy it!!!!!, I had over estimated the chips, (well it had as I said been a while, and I was making up for lost time. As I shuffled them eagerly off the baking sheet into my plate, I saw just how overboard I had gone, the chips barely fitting my dinner plate…let alone the steak, beans and mushrooms.😁😁😁😁😁😁, that plate groaned with its contents, but I did not by now care a jot, because I had chips !!!!!!!!!.

I think In all I did my meal justice, despite its size and magnitude,😁😁😁😁😁, my stomach by now growling for a whole different reason I settled in for the new years eve night, listening to the premature explosions of early lit fireworks, loud crackles, bangs and whistles only broken up by a far off neighbouring party…Gangnam style carried across by the last prevailing winds of 2022, on the whole though our little Cul De Sac remained dark, untouched by surrounding celebration…..I was saddened somewhat remembering those far off heady days of my childhood.

New years Eve had been a big deal in my section of Essex in the early 70s, it’s was the one and only night we were allowed up passed 8pm,….Houses all lit up all over the neighbourhood , front doors stood open wide, welcoming exuberant party goers, some stood around glasses in hand, leaning none to soberly against anything near to hold the aloft, shouts of greetings, smell of cigarettes, stale beer filled the air, badly sung songs, half the words slurred or amiss would have made Suzi Quattro shudder or smile 😁,

But always just before 12, silence earily fell, music stopped, until shouts of the countdown began…..five, four, three, two, one!!!!!, An explosion of activity hit our street, neighbours both young and old stood at their gates, boats on the Thames horns blaring signalling it was midnight, it was time, then hand held bells rang out, saucepan lids clashing together, football clackers, tin whistles, anything you could lay your hands on to make noise….dogs merrily joined in with their owners excitement….children ran out pyjama clad up and down with friends…neighbours shouted across to one another…. “Happy New year Mrs clark”, “Happy New year Beaty”, !!!!!, my own mother shouting “quick open up the front Door wide let in the new year..back door by now already propped open to let out the old….we shivered in the chill of the dying minutes of that last December night, but no one cared as such it was a magical night filled with excitement…..Some filled also with Harvey’s Bristol cream Sherry😁,

When I compared this to the year just past…it’s with some sadness I admit, no one came out to welcome in the new year…loudness of firework the exception, the bells have all fallen silent, whistles, saucepan lids firmly confined to their pans, no distant hooting from boats on the Thames…calls to neighbours, mainly because half of us no longer know each other…now we text!…..we send our silent Gifs to our Facebook friends, watch celebrations on tv either with one another or alone….long gone days and tradition no more, hauntingly silenced by technology…. This said however you saw in your new years folks, I wish your 2023, to be the best of years, filled with hope, promise, happiness and prosperity…in all I wish you peace and love ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤