Costochondritis…..oh my dearest dearest diary!!!….

Costochondritis, no it’s not a curse word, and please I would prefer it not to have to pronounce that or spell it again🙄😊, Why is it these type of things have ridiculously long Latin names to begin with,? it takes me all day to remember the spelling, let alone the correct way to pronounce it…… imagine this Your sat in an awful pain flare, then Picture trying to discuss this with your doctor or others in the medical profession, Saying the very word takes you half a day to get it said….😊, Where do you start?, There their sat in their comfy chair in the meantime beside themselves with hysteria at your poor miss pronunciation, trying hard to hide behind a hand or computer screen, wondering do they dare have the audacity to ask you to repeat it again?🙄😊😊😊😊…..I digress, this thing happens every once in a while for me…it’s nothing nice, movement limiting, and more to the point exceptionally painful and I just don’t wanna do it!!!!!, so what is it? Oh my giddy knickers, here goes…Costochondritis is the medical term for inflammation of the Cartilage which not only joins your ribs to breast bone or sternum, (as you know cartilage is a spongy buffer like connective tissue, sort of shock absorbers, cushioning our joints, ….This latest flare began late Sunday afternoon,.. I had dropped off to sleep amidst reading my latest book (Uncle Toms cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe) … On waking up roughly half an hour later I felt stiff and sore, a puddle of drool, attractively making its way down my chin before pooling upon a now very wet pillowcase, I felt the pain in the centre of my chest almost immediately,.. All I knew was it hadn’t been present before falling asleep…

First thought coming to mind, in my sleep induced state was, please not another Angina attack, As my weary brain gradually slipped back into fully function mode, I noted it would feel worse if I tried to move in certain positions,, this was somewhat comforting …..It had still been years since my last Costowotsit flare and I couldn’t make out what I had done to induce this latest…that recollection would come later🙄, what I did know standing, sitting, laying well just about anything bought about pain…immense pain…Even breathing, call me daft but I am rather fond of breathing for some reason…I lay on my side shifting positions until I found one that allowed for the least amount of hurting,…. That’s how I stopped for most of that afternoon and evening, I cursed under my breathe at the slightest movement, Even more so for the over indulgence of two large coffees I had partaken of only that morning, followed swiftly by two ginger teas, because right now I had other problems… And I was going to have to face it sooner rather than later…In fact somewhat urgently!

Part of me could not wait for 10pm to come around, why?, Simply put, 10pm is the time I can take two of the precious pain killers I ration strictly for myself…I have always been able to do this pain thing throughout the days, it’s part of the daily routine, shower, coffee, make up, chores….oh and pain!!!!, I do it well , some would say a little too well if anything!, But at night when my overly active mind, runs riot, and sleep is something mainly done by others, it’s for some reason harder to tolerate…I guess it’s those long silent lonely hours, without anything to occupy ones self with, I feel I should lay still until sleep eventually catches up with me..A clock upon the wall just behind me, ticks out loudly it’s measurement of time, every hour on the hour it sounds out another failure to commit to sleep, the hourly bird song mocking me., It would seem to me going through increased pain in amongst this really isn’t that appealing.. But right at this time it’s only 5pm, thats five whole long more hours, a long time when hurting is your only bedfellow..I know I can do it, but I move my position ever so gingerly, there another sharp pain comes suddenly, catching me through the chest before coming out into my back…it’s almost like the front of my chest is trying to tangle up with my spine, pressure builds, now if I could just move a certain way to unlock it, that pressure would release maybe?…but I know all to well it wont…and I cant…

The worst part is being forced to be immobile for immeasurable lengths of time, I despise laying still, but choice isn’t mine right now so I go back to trying to concentrate on my book,…Over the next for days either the intensity of pain eases to discomfort or I’ve grown accustomed now, Costochondritis I find is a wonderful gift with endless giving, for example take lifting up the kettle….instead of taking one arm ….now I have to use both, in some strained joint effort, in fact I have to swing my whole body into a strange almost mechanical momentum in order to achieve something I and most of us think little of usually…even so I cannot escap that sudden central sharp pain…but finally achieve an inch of water in my kettle..I will by hook or by crook have my morning coffee today…I add a large spoonful of Manuka honey into my cup, in some vain hope it’s antibiotic properties will fight off the fast becoming infected swollen tissue in the central region of my chest, doing anything made rivulets of sweat trickle down my spine, i burn up with a low grade fever…but coffee will help this surely…it normally cures all…or makes it more doable at least, I love the restorative power of caffeine😊…..

The following four days are harsh, I dislike immensely not being able to care for myself,( I’m super independent), I avoid clambering into the bath to shower, making do with washing twice daily instead, the waters cool and feels wonderful upon my burning skin…doing anything has become increasingly difficult, because I’m by now shallow breathing, every thing takes more effort, it leaves me frustrated more than worried, because I cannot follow my normal routine and to someone who lives a solitary existence, routine is everything…I dislike greatly how disorganised my usually tidy little homes becoming, in a fit of pique im almost tempted to research local cleaners….I say almost because without even googling the matter, I know me, for I know already without a shadow of a doubt, I would attempt to clean before the cleaner got here, then there’s no way on mother nature’s green earth I could sit by watching someone else clean my house… it feels unnatural, out of balance..I know I would berate myself massively when they left, feeling idol and lazy…so I try not to let the disorder taunt me…I don’t do well at this, my anxiety levels peek along with a visit from the screaming blacks(depression)…

Laying alone in the night as the silence slowly engulfs me I feel the darkness bare down upon me, in its momentum it gathers up pace, I feel it sinking first in the darker corners, about my head before it’s cloying weight covers over me trying to submerge me, drown me…I’m a fighter of old, I lay silent allowing it to do its worst, although tired I’m also angry at its audacity to bait me…I sigh shut my eyes and say aloud to no one in particular bring it on buddy!!!!Because I feel I know it well enough to call it that by now…nightmares torment, the fevers soak my sheets and skin, but the pain meds dull the central ache enough for sleep to finally claim me…I don’t argue!….

Thursday…

It’s either day four or five now, my minds way too distracted to do the math, and quite frankly I care not enough to bother…but though the pains dissipated somewhat it’s still there in the background…the fever also, I’m doing whats necessary about the house, it’s not my exacting standard but it is what is and I’m not doing the best job at telling myself to relax, it can wait…I’m a terrible nag…even to myself😊. This mix of EDS, (Ehlers Danlos syndrome) and OCD isn’t a winning combination, it’s another night time torment screaming into the early hours.

I’m not sure how others cope with that raging nagging voice deep from within, goading it’s unwilling victim into action, but I find it almost impossible to silence it, regardless of the further damage I do to myself as I push my pained body ever onward passed it boundaries, I’m harder on myself than I would be anyone I know, I spur myself into action with words like stop being lazy don’t be bone idol, those are only the ones I can write here for fear of causing offence….It’s even more unhelpful that our former prime minister’s words fill the media daily with the vile unhelpful words, Those on sickness benefits are idol, our days spent languishing on disability benefits….those of us genuinely disabled(whether mentally/ physically or both) do not need to carry another heavy burden alongside our Ill health, we are already filled with self loathing for the bodies that enable these failings, …far from languishing, (oh how I wish I could bloody languish), this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life…I’m torn by that innate sense of self preservation, working at coasting my body through yet another day, month or year, or giving into it one or all of its various afflictions…it’s a much hidden dilemma the sick face daily….Dont get me started on the need to dodge the bullets of guilt that explode suddenly from out of nowhere when least expected, like watching your neighbours and families work….

I too worked for as long as was possible, and would do anything to join the work force once more, for now though I’m left without choice as I face criticism for doing what everyone of us does naturally daily survives…enough from me today folks, take care of you and enjoy the coming weekend…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌺