Dear mum….

It has been roughly fourteen years now if I recall correctly, since I last sat upon the floor in your living room arranging flowers in a heavy lead Crystal glass vase, light flooding in through the large white framed window, making air glitter of floating miniscule dust motes, Curtains pulled back to allow full view of birds flocking down to the table for food upon the lawn. Steam swirling upward from coffee cups just freshly filled.. The light behind you as you sat in your favourite chair, the self same brown leather recliner you had hated just months previous,now loved, your face blurred by sunlight…but I knew you were smiling all the same.

Thursday

Today is Thursday mum, do remember going shopping every Thursday morning?, of Course you do, The once weekly outing you disliked immensely, but tolerated somehow because it meant spending time with your sisters, getting out the house, plus seeing the outside world even momentarily, You would arrive back totally drained of energy, trying hard to hide the pain written on your face none the less, but I always felt it, You never once complained, but I heard it regardless… Well I’ve decided to adopt Thursday’s for going out whether consciously or not… Just like you I loath that whole getting ready process, Somehow its the worse part, for whatever reason, but as I get dressed I hear your voice clearly in my ear, ” I’m worn out before I go Theresa”, now I both know and appreciate what it took for you to join the real world even fleetingly… I too have to force this leaving the safe confines of my nest, face up to the outdoor world beyond my front door..as much as it tires me, I recognise that ive fallen out of step with my fellow human beings, their noise hurting my ears, the pace a tad too fast and all at once im longing for home even well before I’ve even left….but the cabs booked, in fact has been since Tuesday, making choice now redundant, I had finally got round to packing up some parcels for friends and that of course involves a trip to the dreaded post office…

My clothes were put out ready the night before, all I really have to do is shower, dress and do those last minute checks, keys, phones, power pack, wallet, bank card, I repeat my check list over and over in my head, admonishing myself as I go…I know everything’s ready, I’m ready, but still I can’t refrain from going over it once more “to be safe”….(I still don’t feel safe). It’s 9:45am, the cabs due outside by 10….and even though I know I’m going to receive a text any minute saying it’s en route.. When the awaited ping!!! happens on my phone, my caffeine/ adrenalin fuelled body reacts immediately ..I startle, my heart pumps that beat quicker…the cabs on its way…no turning back now Treez! This involves another checking ritual…..

I was as most know severely Agoraphbic at one point in my life, and I’m consciously aware that I could all too easily slide back into its clutches, that safe deep cavern it’s hard to climb out of, this is me fighting back believe it or not!….fighting yet another battle, when theres others that need my attention and I’m unsure which way to turn..where do i concentrate my limited energy ?…I wing it as always…if at first you don’t know which way to go then put on a brave face to the world and pretend until you do..it’s an act I’ve perfected…I smile constantly, knowing inside there’s a whole different me, (a child like me and she’s feeling trapped)…I try hard to appease her with offered up pointless platitudes…it won’t be long, we,’ll soon be back home to our nest of soft fleece blankets, cooling fans, and semi darkness….(the light outside is harsh to an already over stimulated brain, the noise is overwhelming physically hurting my ears…there’s that smile again, more like partially clenched teeth I’m sure, but i,’ll take it😁, As I slip into the air conditioned, cream leather interior of the waiting taxi and greet Adam my driver, the Theresa show begins in earnest…

I chatter nervously on what is to be only a very short journey, looking out of the window at the pretty bordered gardens in full bloom, with their immaculate manicured lawns, distraction is a great thing my friends, I know my mother did exactly this…(she once told me)…I used to love a car ride, now it’s just a vehicle to carry me away from my home….the phone loses connection with Jesse which as we know sets off a whole other chain of events for me, I ring him back and am instantaneously relieved with an answer, we pull up outside of the tiny family run sub post office, as I leave the cab behind I’m gratified to see the post office for once is empty..I am their only customer thank goodness, this should be a breeze right?…..No because the lovely wee man behind the desk informs me he’s new on the job, his first day, he hasn’t done parcels..especially airmail….arghhhhhhhhhhhh! A voice let’s rip like an unwelcome sudden explosion in my head… after just a few minutes, I find myself fighting with the urge to run!!! escape!!!!, Let’s go!!, It seems he wasn’t joking with the being inexperienced….just don’t ask, no please dont!…but I’m patient despite the fresh adrenalin surges washing over me, I look behind me constantly, one eye glued upon the automated doors at all times …after repeating the spelling of Jesse’s address four or five more times, my address, phone number, post code …knicker size I feel we should add him to our Christmas card list, it’s not his fault I appreciate that so wait quietly….when I look behind me again there’s an impatient queue glaring at me…eyes burning deeply into the back of my skull, ..I’m almost to scared to get out my other two packages from my bag..but I’m here and we are going to do this!!!!! I hear them begin to groan…and I shrivel up inside….I find myself apologising profusely, for what I still don’t know? It’s not my fault either but do it any how.

My back and legs hurt terribly by the time I leave, and taking the two minute walk is harsh, but achieved all the same. As I go through the double doors to the shop entrance, I’m greeted by bucket upon bucket of fresh flowers of every hue and variety…I’m drawn to them instantly, memories still clear and fresh in my mind, memories of the weekly bunches of flowers I bought and arranged for mum. I long so much to do this that my chest constricts and a lump forms in my throat,. Unaware Im doing it I select a bunch of bright yellow carnations, followed by a gorgeous bouquet of perfect white roses, Smiling to myself I put them in my shopping cart…mothers on my mind so much of late, I feel her and fathers loss most keenly, their counsel most of all…while sat at home later that same morning arranging the small bunchs of flowers, I’m back in the warmth of my childhood home, laughing with mum about something we watched on tv the night before…the smell of coffee, flowers and Youth dew perfume filling the sunlit room…although I can no longer sit in her presence I feel her everywhere, every day, in all I do….including my hard won battles and adventures, most definitely the wilds of shopping, will always miss you mum. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹., Stay safe folks and be careful out there💛💛💛💛💛🐦