On the run…

April 2018…

This April unknown to me at the time was about to bring about massive changes in my life, April seems to do that for me😁…not just because its the month of my birth, but when things align, planets shift, warmth begins to permeate the earth and its that wondrous time of rebirth, growth, that’s when I feel the greatest need to grow along with it….that year was to be no exception!..

The long walk…

For more years than I could ever remember I had been deeply unhappy, although unhappy really doesn’t begin to address it, At one point in time I would liken it to a kind of living death, a feeling of pure nothingness, all the while feeling everything, on sensory overload, if asked the cause?, at that particular time, situation I was so involved living it i could never have answered you…because I couldn’t comprehend it myself,. Until life threw me a massive lifeline… And I grasped it with both hands, feeling myself pulled from the depth of life’s wreckage, Surviving 30 years of severe Agoraphobia, anxiety, trauma, and Ptsd I was about to do one of the bravest or most foolish things in life… Whichever i will never know to this day, but I left my then home, leaving behind everything I knew ..I wasn’t to be aware at the time of walking out that door, closing it firmly behind me that that evening, as it clicked shut I was never going to be going back..in fact I didn’t know what I was about in all honesty..I was just putting one unsure foot in front of the other..I had cut all lifelines,ties, freefalling with just two small bags of clothes, virtually no money and more importantly no plan to speak of, I had cast myself adrift without a destination..I’m not permitted to expound on this or go into further explanation..litigious consequences hold my tongue bound..but suffice it to say, this was one of the hardest things I’ve done to date,

I’ve since moved around no less than five times over the years, why so many?..because my past has caught up with me before now..For six whole months I lived in complete terror..hiding behind locked doors, curtains pulled shut living in darkness both day and night…doors bolting firmly..imprisoned while committing no crime.. When and if I ventured out I became hyper aware, on constant look out..I felt hunted …even sleeping felt a dangerous pastime because of obvious vulnerability…it was like little old me against the world…and me and authority are not good bed fellows, it terrifies me…

Six years on and If anything im more unsettled, ever vigilant for the monster that may lurk around the next corner..I cannot relay to another living soul, the lasting effects of how this feels..each night as I bolt myself away before the sun has even gone down, leaving on random lights, checking and then rechecking the door is indeed locked…I don’t even trust myself anymore, I’ve been let down that much…but I’ve grown to expect that long since..looking for it even…but do you know what’s worse…far worse infact..?

Living in constant silence….

Over the years I’ve held my breath watching and waiting for a change to come, no matter how miniscule..but while I live my life on permanent pause..things go on just the same, those in power, the Government, MPs both male and female alike make all the right noises…Each party promising greater things, they have no intention of fulfilling…Each lie falling easily from their lips, no one to hold them accountable, certainly not the likes of someone like me….and for someone who detests dishonesty as much as I do, I look on with ever increasing frustration, while these people make life changing decisions for all our lives…Some even life and death..our health service hitting newer lows ..,while on this subject have you tried seeing a GP lately?, Seeing mine is like trying to win the lottery…I can’t count the times I’m asked are I working by doctors?no!!!!oh well take over the counter pain meds and keep everything crossed you survive…(what in the world of pain does working have to do with anything?…. It seems being disabled also silences one, even decides if your entitled to basic care…I’ve outlived my usage these days, never mind I worked for years paid into the health system, taxes..supported my family who also now work… Even work horses get put out to pasture and veterinary care….

Now here’s where I get to my point, on the 4th July while the rest of the country over 18 gets the right to vote…I like the rest of my silent minority will go without a voice even here, I cannot even choose the next party who will spout a golden promise only to break it the next day, …to seduce a whole nation with silken words, Vote in the vain hopes that one MP will differ, will call a halt, make that stand for minorities, re-address the balance …. And Why can I not vote? because I like others are not on any electoral roll… No that’s not my fault then!…Because did you know that for the poultry sum of 50p?…fifty of our copper pennies..anyone, anywhere can have access to the electoral roll, trace you…Scary thought huh?…imagine if this puts you at real risk?…I fully comprehend that some need access..police for instance..but surely if they need warrants to enter your home..then this should also be a the case for private details, Our address..I can’t see where anyone else needs to be privy to our details…there’s thousands of us being put in peril daily because we are encouraged to enlist… And what do our illustrious MPs do about this basic right?…you’ve guessed it nothing!!!!!., Because as individuals we don’t count, they divide us, man against woman, colour or creed…and while these divisions grow ever wider they grow stronger, prosper even, thinking us lacking the very education to comprehend, I may struggle while you try blinding me with science, but I see…we all see, We see a nation you divide with use of media, Tv, papers, even social media..then look down your noses as the anger you stirred up grows…For those of you with the power to vote..I urge you to use that voice and do so..And keep using your voices until we are all heard as one…I rarely speak of political matters mainly through apathy, having seen so many broken promises, But I live on in hopes this year may just be different…good luck everyone on Thursday…look after yourselves and each other until next time…💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛