The sound of silence…

Five years ago a small bundle of cream and grey lop earred furriness entered somewhat rudely into my life. It was unplanned as most things are in this chaotic mixed up world of mine. Enter stage left, One equally mixed up rabbit, for whom i quite randomly came up with the name Cinnamon bun(a favourite cake of mine lol), He was rather small for his breed and unremarkable for his type, His pale creamy caramel coat lacking in condition, the hair harsh and on end, instead of lustrous smooth and silky mini lops are known for., Before This wee bun came along, I must confess I had had thought my days of rabbit parenting were all but over, Unlike years previous, when many a rabbit had found themselves on my doorstep, finding an instant made home within our large overrun insane asylum, (I mean menagerie over the years) . Most like Cinnie were there through no fault of their own, being either abandoned by their humans, without a backward glance, now homeless…Many came with special needs,(fitting right in with us 😁) others just requiring too much time attention, patience or money than their families were prepared to spend, summer holiday season was always the worst, that much loved pet now expendable, I would offer to foster while they went, some never collected… Each though most welcome and wanted in our full to bursting household, budgets tight, but love infinite… whether as temporary foster or fully committed lifer😁, just as Cinnie was now to become…

the first few days with my brand new charge, were not always erm easy shall we say, We were still adjusting to each others foibles, And no matter how much I thought I knew about rabbits wellbeing and health in general, This was the rabbit about to take my education a mile further..I left him to settle into his new home that night, mainly because up until the day before he had only ever lived outside in a hutch, Now here he was living inside with a strange new human…😁… not just inside though, but in a house no less, With all those peculiar little house sounds, smells and a one crazy companion, every time before I entering what had fast become “HIS” room(aka the one time livingroom), I announced my presence…it seemed only polite under the circumstances him being my house guest, plus I didn’t want to burst in and give my new roomy heart failure in the first weeks of our relationship…I found out soon enough, that actually all things considered he had settled in faster than I could have hoped or anticipated, never batting an eyelid at any household noises, quite the opposite infact, from day one he almost challenged my noisy old upright vacuum “Red” to come anywhere near his bedroom area…one gleaming black beady orb fixed on target… giving both myself and Red that evil side eye I swear we both trembled under his gaze, this was always followed by one impatient stomp of his cute fluffy foot, informing me this was no longer my territory or home there were no exception, vacuums, visitors and singing were now most definitely discouraged if not banned until further notice,.

As I’ve already intimated, Cinnie was to be a rabbit of a different colour, His previous owner told me for instance he had a very discerning pallet, only ever eating one certain and very expensive brand of pellet food…I obediently sent for Sirs favourite without delay!… Only for him to sniff it once,wrinkle up his sweet twitchy nose, look at me greatly offended, turn his back on the shiny new porcelain feed dish complete with name emblazoned on, then walked away never to return…I tried transferring it into his old dish, my thoughts here, Sir might find this new dish somewhat lacking or offensive, not quite up to ones Par. But again he watched me and stomped his disapproval….I spent the next two days buying several different varieties of bunny feed,this ranged from the most expensive to the basic….he it seems being, him wanted the basic… sighs all that money spent., we then went on to shun every type of hay, straw, and barley known to man or beast, it’s rare but happens, he took to posting it out of his bedroom enclosures and scattering the far flung corners of my ahem “his living room” in protest…We may though on a good day deem fit to eat, baby dew covered freshly picked dandelion leaves. For which he’s house servant woke especially early to hunt down before the first sun rays filled the sky, a torch in hand, neighbours perplexed faces pressed up against the glass of their bedroom windows watching on somewhat pityingly, as I fell gleefully on another likely looking fresh leaved dandelion, announcing “gotchcha”! With real zealous once finding my bounty this was done more times than a not in my shorts and in one Jesse’s t shirts😁.

Home life settled back down to some sort of normality as long as I abided by the new improved house rules which were carefully considered and placed by the “Management” (Cinnamon head of house) All house Rules will be strictly followed by residents….oh that’s me!!!!. Rule one..feeding time was no later than 4pm ever, even allowing for daylight saving changes!!!!!. Rule two HOH(head of house) dept require H2O at room temperature in winter months replaced twice daily.Must be chilled in the summer, there was to be no!!!! exceptions on this…. Rule three was established soon after I made the mistake of going out on one of the exceptional rare ventures to a local Lidl for under an hour ….on my return I called out as I entered the front door ” hi Bunny I’m home” not expecting to be greeted or anything,…but nor the disgusted, filthy look from his menacing beady sideeye, whites showing, foot stomping, ending with his back to me each time I walked into the room, 24hrs bloody hours this lasted….so Rule three… No serfs must leave the house under any circumstance…Rule four…. absolutely, under no circumstances were Visitors to be welcomed, let alone encouraged! …again Sirs displeasure was made abundantly clear after a good friend deemed fit to call…worse still she actually spoke to him, “oh my goodness” the look she got before he took himself off to his bedroom to sulk, he was indeed positively livid…this to was neither wise and caused great outrage for the next few days…. I too got shunned!😁……Rule five HOH only likes lavender scented cleaners and fresh newspapers daily in ones bathroom….I followed these rules to the letter hoping to become the bestest rabbit parent and friend known to rabbit kind…I’m sure he felt I failed miserably in all departments though….My report card reading C for effort…

Once the rules were introduced, abided by and I was quite firmly banished into the smaller room of the house(my bedroom) as was ones place I suppose, we returned to some sort of harmony…I built my days around his requirements and in return occasionally I might get to touch his by now silky satin smooth fur, Only briefly mind!!!!thats your allotted time…no liberties!!!….As a rule on his home health checks, he was a gentleman. Grumpily submitting to my ministrations, allowing for grooming, checking him over…nail trimming…never once attempting to scratch or bite…. “the look” after all kept he’s feelings known and me in place…and oh how I knew!..

The actual return on our cohabitation was far far greater than I could ever begin to comprehend or express come to that. …the bungalow would be still be cold and damp, although since Cinnies arrival it took on a whole new warmth, plus it felt more of, well home really…not so stark or unnaturally quiet, . With this My whole demeanour had changed also, Unknown to me, I had relaxed, no longer days spent alone, plus I had a whole new purpose for getting up and out of bed each morning, bad health, strongest pain flares or even awful nights before,.Cinnie without exception had to come first… Even before my beloved coffee, now that is devotion 😁. There was no doubting it, he altered my life for the better, I had dropped off a lot that self introspection, doubt …for anyone looking at these words thinking but hes just a rabbit…there’s no just …we became important to each others welfare, interwoven and essential…As the weeks went by I learnt Cinnies likes and dislikes more, like myself he hated the dark….how do I know…because he became anx ridden and thumped continually, until I turned on his night light, lol..he wouldn’t leave hes enclosures…becoming blighted by severe stomach issues those times I had forced the issue ….nearly losing him twice…so we didn’t attempt this again… The expensive Garden runs relegated to the dark depths of the shed where they became spider babies climbing frames, the few times he went outside, he sat trembling in his box until I relented and bought him back in…again he stopped eating, his tummy tighter than a drum and bloated, teeth grinding…here he consented to lay curled up into my side on my bed for warmth, I guess no one likes being alone when their ill..him included.

I never did know Cinnies true age, you see he had had three previous homes before mine, he’s last owner guessing he was roughly around maybe three.. And up until last Wednesday we had spent five years side by side day in day out, eight being old people’s age for mini lop rabbits😊…, Over the last week’s though I watched with some sadness, as my buddy began slowing down, he slept for longer periods now, far deeper too. The boxes he once loved to disassemble with nothing short of real relish, laying safe and in one piece…his bell ball silent, no more constant banging of either the runged ladder up to the second floor or the door I left open just in case a sudden spell of bravery hit and he wanted a turn about the livingroom. It never happened once but ohh how he loved to bang that door a dozen times a night just to test it, and me im sure… 😁,

For those of you still reading and insistent of believing Cinnie was just ten inches of fluffy lop rabbit…I besiege you to rethink, read on, maybe I can influence you just slightly…when I left my family home of 35 years, I left in a hurry without a thing to my name, I had my reasons…reasons I’ve been forced to keep to my self…and in truth im happier now with this, my truths are just that….mine!…but when I left my past came calling regular…it haunted both my days and nights, I felt hunted, not just fearful but terrified…living alone for my first time ever with these fears…days were long, cold and scary…nights filled with horrendous dreams endless….then Cinnie came …with this tiny demanding terror…came a bond, an unbreakable fusion of minds…both of us had seen traumas, so we got each other…I let him live life just how he wanted..he made his choices, as did i…he took the unbearable silence and filled it with warmth and sounds…he gave me purpose on my sickest days when life’s at its real toughest…we bonded over our years together…on Wednesday I knew it was time, I felt him leaving slowly, but leaving non the less, drifting away to who knows where but forever!!, Hopefully though journeys new…I pulled the curtains, shutting out the light, hushed the flat and waited at his side…as the clock on the wall softly ticked out the minutes, the time suddenly became harsh and glaring…each tick took him further from me…each movement slowed his little heart under my hand…in my head I keep up a constant chatter of nonsense to him not wanting him to be afraid…or alone…10:39 came a last twitch, a defiant kick, his favourite ball rattled away across the enclosure…and that was it, silence…. Again with that bloody silence, that crashes rudely into my space and it’s deafening…there’s no escape…..at first I don’t know what to do…I’m lost as it feels so unreal…..I touch him again and the reality finally kicks in…..

The worst of it was the anger, and feeling useless, my knee has been buckling under me for over a week now, I could barely walk across the room, the pain although intense was nothing like this sudden pain in the centre of my chest.. I needed bury Cinnie but how?…it was essential I made a fitting grave for my old pal…and here I am unable to bloody move..for the first time in years im angry…angry at my body once again letting me down…forcing me to let Cinnie down….I hobble out to flick the switch on the kettle, all the time aware of the tiny lifeless form laying still…the quiet is ripping at my insides, I hate it…I feel abandoned… Finally grabbing a spade from my shed, I use this overwhelming anger and resentment festering away inside me to dig a hole deep enough….as I lay Cinnie in the soft earth I can’t help but touch him one last time…I hate the earth is cold, I hate he’s going to be in the dark, because hes scared of the dark…I hate most of all the wrenching apart, the cut of separation….covering him up out of my sight is hell…this whole thing is hell….my pain for now forgotten replaced by worse… it’s intense and unrelenting….

it’s been five whole days …..tears spring forth suddenly as another pain grenade explodes without warning in my body…I’ve grown accustomed to its uncontrollable randomness…what I can’t grow accustomed to no matter how I try is this infernal endless silence, especially at night…nights are my downfall…see Cinnie like a the virulent miniature Doberman pincher stood guard all night, every night! He took he’s job seriously….thumping out a loud reverberating warning repelling any one who dared enter his abode …I’ve slept safe each night, secure in the knowledge he watched for dangers….And so the nightmares are back alongside my insecurities..

Cinnie was and never could be just a rabbit…a pet..a fluffball….he was a companion, my pal…I still hear the ghostly rattle of he’s water bottle countless times a day, Like some phantom limb syndrome…(where you still feel an amputated body part long after its loss)….I still feel Cinnie everywhere…I flood the house with sound, light in some faint hope of hushing the din of silence….it’s not possible…Each night one lone solar light stands vigil over Cinnies Grave …I was determined he wouldn’t be in the dark… Highly scented dianthus plants arrive later today, I just hope I don’t hear ghostly thumps of disapproval though….sleep tight Cinnamon bun see yah on the other side bud… Thank you for reading and sharing my grief folks, stay safe, stay well until next time 🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜