January 1st 2024

Long after the last firework muted off into the distance, once again another year begun, much the same as it’s predecessor, all noise for 30 seconds, quiet and understated, only difference between this year and those now a dim and distant memory, was I had joined the throngs of thousands, all of us making this our year of big changes, (new years resolutions) I knew many of our number would infact fall by the wayside even before the clock struck 12:30, But with teeth gritted, my loins girded, i was filled with a brand new determination, I had built myself this image, a picture of what it was I aimed to achieve and achieve It i would.

So what was the ambitious new project, Goal, Now that is a Good and legitimate question?, not one I really needed to ask of myself though?, because I already knew the answer ..I had always known, But this year it would happen, by hook or by crook I would drag this thing into fruition,. What I needed most folks was to work on me, the whole of me. from the inside out, I grew so tired of my weight issues, My stagnant pond weed covered lifestyle, it’s almost as if everything had ground to a halt, full stop, a nothingness!., as if I’m sitting on the sidelines waiting and watching while everyone scores that truly great home run., Here I sit, a champion procrastinator, growing ever more tired of being tired, trying to protect my loved ones from my constant daily battle with illness…. I had established long ago that this is totally and utterly down to me, There will be no magic pills, potions, surgery or wizardry,. All the help I receive will have to come from within me.. I have to pull up my colourful heart covered compression socks and get my full weight behind this here venture(please excuse the pun, but it was intended😊).

To look at, (please don’t though, hides behind nearest object, poop it’s the clothes horse😊). , but I’m plump, curvy, overweight and all those other polite, yet somehow still deadly comments banded about so trivially by the well meaning.. , So ok let’s call it as it really is, (Whispers in a soft voice,) I am infact clinically obese, there Ive finally said it, it’s out there folks….Jeez how I hate that sodding word though. But it’s the truth, I’ve always had weight problems, since the tender age of sixteen… it wasn’t quite as obvious as it is now, i would go so far in fact to snog a politician, while being stone cold sober 😁,if I could just go back in time and resume being a little curvy!..I would even go on an elevator blindfold(a very real phobia of mine) for a day just to drop a few dress sizes, would even wear the dress, arghhhh!!!, Oh hell no, step too far😊 but such is my desperation. Folks for as long as I can remember weight followed me about like an overstuffed luminous blimp, Screaming look look fat bird, lard ass, wide load,eclipse of the sun in full progress…..Ive tried out manoeuvring it but the bugger always finds me…

And before you look at the screen disgusted, let’s share a few facts, despite the weight issues I’ve not eaten one take out meal in the last 18 months, I physically cannot bring myself to eat anything fried, for both health reasons, and I simply loathe it😊, ..What’s more I used to adore a piece of cake at one time, but even this is so far back now, I fail to remember the last time,(sad innit). Sweets yes I love a kitkat, Galaxy, Revels, but only rarely indulge, maybe Christmas 😊,. Food despite my loving it, the aroma of cooking, the taste and textures I can in fact surprisingly take it or leave it, and leave It do more often than not..

Most days if I’m lucky I will eat once daily, I’m unsure why or when this began, I think it’s always been that way actually, to the point if I’m occupied I forget to eat, I rarely feel any hunger, in fact it’s not until around 6/7pm of an evening when I settle down, that i even start to feel any ill effects of this fasting, Normally breaking out in a slight cold sweat, feeling a bit shaky, but even this I can and often do ignore probably to the detriment of my health,. As long as I’ve a bottle of water to hand or my beloved coffee😊, I find food just a vehicle,fuel to get me through to that next day…

So now I see you all pointing at the screen full of accusation…yeah I see yah, ….So when you do eat I bet it’s a massive meal right?!!!!, Nope you would be mistaken..my dinners these days mainly consist of a portion of meat, (Chicken, Turkey, fish or of course a vegetarian option, then a pile of vegetables, lots of lentils, pulses..rarely potatoes im not overly fond, even less likely carbs,. Everything is cooked from scratch at home, no thick cream laden sauces or gravy for me please😊…just tasty home made wholesome food, . I think if we break it down, I can maybe manage roughly around 1000/1,500 calories a day…

So you see food has always been an issue for me, (just not how you imagine on seeing me though, (my size)… Surprisingly it’s eating it….

Unkindly I’ve had so many comments over the years from people at the supermarket, thinking their entitled to comment about my weight or my imagined out of control gluttony, As if those with weight issues are somehow deaf, or too engrossed in their next meal fix to comprehend their insults, Salad dodger has always being a favourite of many (sighs of the lack of imagination!), Another time a Gentleman(I say this out of politeness only) pointed a finger at me quite directly in an Essex Aldi, while turning to look at his very young son, remarking with free flying spital taking to the air, “And that(same finger directed at my face) is why we don’t allow you sweets, look at her and take heed”, . Too hurt and somewhat shocked by his remarks, I remained silent., But inside rage and shame filled me, eating away at my very core, I longed to scream out at the injustice, state my truths, That I hadn’t in fact, eaten anything in nearly 24 hours, like most days unlike with his cans of sugar laden red bull in hand., Others become transfixed with anything Ive placed in my shopping cart, sneering, looking down their dear little noses, …When I do finally manage to find some words to speak up, plead my case, it’s to fall on deaf ears, for they have their evidence right there,. made their judgement!!!, I’m guilty as charged, My outward appearance alreading leaving them in no doubt…Doctors have been no better laughing in my face, family members with words of wisdom, If you do only eat once daily then you would be built like Twiggy Treez(a 70s model children), the fact is I’m not though, I’m over weight for my height..and this has been my lifelong battle, even to the point, I have been refused life saving surgery by one specialist back some 12 years ago now, his reasons were because despite living on a diet of one can of soup and six plain rice cakes daily for six weeks, I hadn’t lost a solitary lb, The doctor called me a bare faced liar that day!, He went so far as to say it was impossible for anyone to not lose weight following that diet, …ok impossible, improbable as these statistics seem, it happened to be the truth, …the surgery would have been to remove my Gall bladder..which the same Doctor still smiling, enjoyed punishing me further by telling me in great detail what was likely my outcome was…It could burst at anytime, Spreading toxins throughout my bloodstream, Any chance of survival?, remote at best. I’ve been left in agony ever since….sent away feeling the lowest of the low, unworthy and detesting my body still further. Any one suffering from Gallstones, will tell you, not only do you have to be careful of everything you eat, the pain is excruciating, there’s no real pain relief to alleviate it either….

It’s funny I remember my mother once telling me that as a infant, she had convinced herself i wouldn’t survive, because rather than eat, sleeping the day away was preferable for moi😊, This does make me wonder though if even back then I felt any hunger, I rarely cried apparently unlike my siblings. …I do however know belonging to an EDS(Ehlers Danlos syndrome) forum, That many of us lack sensation in parts of our bodies, hunger being one of these…So whats going to be the outcome for me, how can I effectively lose weight then?. Well I’m desperate now and taking a risk, a punt, and the odds are not in my favour, because dieting only increases the odds of more issues with my Gall bladder . But as I said in the very beginning of this, I’ve had enough, The extra weight adds to the already existing joint pain, it’s not helping the lymphedema I have either and other health conditions…So now my options are limited to zero really, I can stay the way I am, hoping that my health holds out or I can cut my food intake once again, eating only fresh food, no preservatives or additives, no sugar, honey, little in the way of carbs,

Surprisingly living a healthy lifestyle, is not easy or cheap either, but with choices running out, and NHS doctors unwilling to investigate putting it mainly down to laziness on my part, I’m going to do what’s needed, Since the 1st of Jan, I’ve lost roughly 3 stone, 42lb,. Living on such few calories, I do worry for my health but there is few other options left open for me, it’s not sustainable long term I know this, but I’m hoping with some weight off, I can become more active, after which I can increase my food intake a little once more…maybe actually eat, while eating healthy to maintain my weight,. I will of course keep you posted on my progress, Goodbye for now folks and whatever your doing out there this weekend enjoy and stay safe …❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤