Dear Diary

Waging a war on addiction…

For those of you out there right now Fighting your own addictions, let me tell you, you have my full on 100% admiration, your one brave soul, especially those with an addictive personality,. it really is a battle ground of wills, One where you know your going to come out a whole different person,but just when? And not before dodging those endless onslaught of craving bullets,. Those come out of nowhere at you and are indeed no respecter of time or place!.

Take last night for instance, (and it is mainly night when these cravings begin in earnest), They will start out mild, just fleeting a thought, a moment of wanting something food wise, it’s not always sweet either, it can be cheese and crackers, crisps, sandwich, soup or even breakfast cereal, I can normally dispel that thought without too many issues mostly, but as time wears on, the thoughts returns off and on, niggling away at me, encroaching more and more on what I’m concentrating on at that moment, even to the point I can no longer think of anything else, it ramps up to almost obsessive, the urge to eat taking control, .that’s when the real fight begins, last night I couldn’t even settle to sleep,. If I was lucky enough to drift off, I woke within minutes that unbearable urge to get out of bed and find food tearing into any logical thought I may have, eventually tiredness took over thank goodness!, I had dodged another craving bullet…tonight though who knows.

I’ve never made a secret of the fact that I love food, though not a huge eater these days, I do know what I like😊..I am somewhat of a discerning foodie never the less, I’ve never really got into that whole take out culture, rarely eating out either, i can probably count on both hands how many times over my lifetime,. My falling down point comes during mostly deep emotional moments, I am what some class as a comfort eater. And in all honesty i have used food over the years, learning mainly through experience, that I can self medicate virtually anything just by using it(food

If I’m overly tired, or during a long spell of insomnia, my body naturally reaches out, craves, sweet sugary foods, your chocolate bars, fruit chews, hard boiled sweets, If and when I’m upset, I lean more towards the stodgy calorific filling food. Anxiety, stress brings on a sudden longing for bread, potatoes, pasta, gorgeous carb laden gutbusting yummyness, portion control also at this point becomes non existent. For years I have suffered with long term bouts of depression, this brings its own issues,. I have never sought medical help for this or taken any anti depressants during this time either, I have however had the odd friend/family member(armchair experts all of them) inform me regularly that mine is more likely just the blues, rather than the full on black dog howling at the moon type., But believe me when I say this, my mood plummets to depths at times so dark I never believe im coming back up for air again, it’s cloying,relentless and suffocating, and here’s where sugar makes it semi bearable. mostly allowing me to function enough to deal with the basics, (like life), I know full well its not the answer, but it’s my answer and up until now it worked for me.

Over years of trial and error I realised eating anything that contains sugar, boosts my mood even temporarily, giving me that energy Im lacking, I also know only too well that this is just a sticking plaster and yes I will come back down to earth with a bump, but by then I’ve shoved yet another square of chocolate into my face or a honey soaked mug of coffee, normally both!,.. Your all shaking your heads with disgust and yes I get it,(your not alone) But work with me here a moment, it’s bought me this far. Now here comes the nitty gritty, that Large chocolate fudge cake in the room,(Elephants are so last yeah darling😁). Alongside EDS, (Ehlers Danlos) I also have an under active thyroid, Basically meaning, I only have to look at food across a crowded room and my body inhales the calories like plants photosynthesise from the sun, I swear my skin breathes in calories😁……

In my lifetime I have tried virtually every diet known to beast and humankind, with some limited success.., However Back in 2017 through vast amounts of torture or so called “exercise!!! ” and clean eating,, I somehow managed to lose over 5 stone, (70lbs) not only did I shift much needed poundiage, but alongside this, I also gained much. For all this hard work i now found a new confidence, I dressed differently, my thought pattern became clearer, I felt healthy, it was a constant hard graft to maintain, but I enjoyed feeling lighter, free.

This was though to prove short lived, as many dieters will attest to, In March 2020 I contracted Covid, the virus itself passing quite quickly, but the long haul symptoms deciding they needed to hang around, the worst being the utter depletion of any energy, most days I managed just the walk back and forth to the bathroom, showering meant I had to lay down for at least an hour to recover, doing even the most mundane chore took forever and left me very breathless, I was too exhausted to even contemplate what I was doing to my body, weight slowly crept back on, despite my being even too tired most days to eat, my lower body was fast filling with fluid, (lymphedema), The strangest thing is despite not wanting any or all food, the one thing I did absolutely crave like crazy was a new variety of Smarties chocolate buttons, some days two packs of these were all I could manage, I’m ashamed to admit this happened all to often,

I’ve since been infected with Covid another three times , having no immunity means anything going around virus wise my body feels the overwhelming need to take on..it’s like a one woman challenge to it😁…so far and I’m not sure how yet, but I’ve made it through, it’s left behind residual little gifts, like breathlessness, chest pain, upper respiratory joy, yadda yadda yadda, …it’s boring, but its my new life after covid,(and don’t get me wrong I’m grateful I’m here) but exercise …..let’s not go there, ..just looking at Blue bell (my exercise bike) brings me out in a rash and cold sweats, I’ve in fact taken to hiding her under a fleece blanket, ok it’s my guilty secret so shoot me😁!, The weights I had and loved at one point have also now been banished to the deepest darkest recesses of my cupboard, along with my Pilates bands for company…

For now I have this sugar addiction to work on and that’s enough…, it’s never going to be easy, challenging me both mentally and physically, I’m still in the grips of going cold Turkey, headaches, cramps, shakes, nausea, night sweats and those blooming night time cravings that are endless, So why put myself through this?, mainly because the rewards far outweigh the discomfort…I spent nearly a year sugar free in 2017, and I had never felt so well in my life, after the initial outset of detoxing of course,. I saw my energy levels increased, I had fewer headaches, less stomach problems, my clarity of thought improved, I improved, the benefits were endless,

But knowing what you should do and doing it are two different things right?, Especially when going it alone, what if my mood takes that nose dive and the black dog comes sniffing about, ready to cock it’s leg at my efforts?,. It’s going to take all I have and more to not cave in, last night I dodged yet another bullet, but will I tonight?, this stage can go on for some months as I know only to well from before, and it only takes even one minor problem to crop up for me to come falling off that proverbial wagon.

Then there’s the hidden pitfalls, like did you know there’s sugar in practically everything we eat, and not just those gloriously gorgeous chocolates or cakes..the obvious. No it’s in ready made soups, tinned fruit, veg, sauces, milk, yogurts, etc…what’s worse are those foods that are supposed to be low in calories…dodging these mines mean much research and label reading…or in my case for now anyway, I will take the cowards way out and avoid them all together 😁, So if your right now tucking into lunch and that nice slice of Red velvet cake for dessert, think of me lost in the valley of the no cake for I will fear no cheesecake, 😁, but if you are,then keep me in mind, and enjoy another slice !!!!😁😁😁😁😁😁, ….. Folks if your in the UK be especially careful when your braving these storms today, stay warm and stay safe, most of all take care of you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤.