Dear Christmas eve eve diary…

Its those last days of the run up to the Christmas madness, you know the ones, Most of you are out there now, doing that last minute shopping…you’ve already done it twice, I know!, But there’s always something you’ve forgotten isn’t there?!,…(always!). I have to think this crazed compulsive need to buy up half of Tesco( there are other stores available of course) Harks back to the olden days😁, when shops here were closed down for Christmas, and anything up to and over four days if Christmas day just happened to fall upon a weekend,

I can still remember rushing about endless shops with my mother one particular year, when she had forgotten two of the great British staples, Bread and milk.. I see you all sitting mouths aghast..😮 oh no not the bread and milk!!!!!😁, we finally hunted down both at a tiny local back street corner shop, one my dear mother(who was rather Hyacinth Bucket) would normally not have frequented if any other shop within a five mile radius had stocked the things she wanted.

When I had my own family, some years later, I too joined that great British tradition of rushing about shops, looking for stuff !!!!!!!, Yes stuff!, stuff that you just have to get in, (your whole life depends on this arghhhh!!!!, rush rush, headless Turkeys coming through!!), Only for said stuff to sit there lurking in some dark recess of the cupboard way way after Christmas,. Take those netted bags of sprouts for instance, no one and I mean no one dreams of buying these the rest of the bloody year, except the odd weirdo!!!, Myself included here 😁( but it’s a tradition right?, Who hated us enough to write that in anyhow?) As a small kid I could never fathom out why oh why my mother ruined a perfectly wonderful Christmas dinner with the addition of those demonic devil mini cabbages, (no amount of my mothers telling me that they were in fact baby cabbages was ever going to persuade me to indulge!, Because not only did they make me gag upon sight, Now she’s telling me I’m eating some poor mother cabbages children and at Christmas too!, what was that about?, When I relayed back to my mother one year while we,re all sat about the best table., I couldn’t possibly eat the sprouts upon my plate, because I wasn’t going to be responsible for making the mother cabbage heart broken, it earned me a clip about the head for “my sauce”, .sauce now I may have tried them with tomato sauce🙄😁

Then there’s the carrots, Bread sauce(I have as yet managed to avoid this delightful white gloop, who on earth thought of making sauce using lumps of carb laced regurgitated bread chunks? What was they thinking, mmmmm mmmm yes bread juice let’s add that to everyones favourite meal and make it a thing!, what did I do to you?😁, ..I get the parsnips folks, I’m rather partial to a honey and mustard roast parsnip myself, and stuffing will always be a firm favourite, But even after we have everything in for this dinner of epic proportions, that no normal human being could eat and survive, we insist of buying even more stuff (food)

You simply must have three sorts of good chocolate biscuits, (those posh variety in tins, with Christmas scene on,) ready to place on that highly polished coffee table) sausage rolls, mince pies, (in case someone pops round) then there’s the tins of sweets, bottles of plonk, sweet sherry, Port, Brandy, because you never know, One of the neighbours might come over and need plying with liberal amounts of alcohol and food, (they only come over to bring you a card folks and here you are shoving a glass of some kind, in their hand before they can make good their exit or worse still refuse…I bet someplace right at this very moment, somewhere in the world, there’s a couple looking at each other, real fear upon their poor little faces…”can’t you take their card over”? “Please, I did it last year, they’re gonna feed me I just know it”…😁, “probably already getting it ready right now, in case I try to leave”.

In truth I don’t miss all the hurried preparation, that endless panic, the fights over whose watching what on tv, because they had circled it in the radio Times weeks ago..as you know I can’t stand wrapping presents, mainly because getting paper around the gift without it looking like a two year old high on a Christmas sugar fix, is hoping too much of me..

There is something to be said about living alone at this time of year if I’m honest, My tiny sparrow sized piece of Turkey will not need cooking over night😁(Do you remember that smell drifting up the stairs all that morning, like a demented turkey ghost of Christmas past, I do😁) my vegetables are all frozen and just need blasting with radiation in the microwave, I will just need one potato, pig in blanket tahdah dinners done ✔, what’s more I can eat when or where I like, there’s little to wash up, and I can stay in my pjs all blooming day should I choose..

To all those last minute shoppers and their partners my thoughts go with you, I still get flashbacks to this day of being jostled by stressed out shoppers, rushing about armed and dangerous wielding loaded shopping trolleys at your legs like they are pins at a bowling alley, husbands with faces longer than next week, their eyes dull, showing they left their brain out in the trolley bay,to collect later, It’s no good asking them what do they think? Because they no longer do, it’s the one day ladies you can put what the bloody hell you want in those trolleys, because no one will know, they are all doing the likewise.😁..(of course theres always going to be a fair amount of trolley envy, ” Did you see how high Tracy’s trolley was piled”?)…

The most stressful thing I did today was my once yearly, take a card and presents to my neighbours…I know your looking at the screen here in thinking how’s this even remotely stressful?😁, well believe it or not I started working myself up about ringing on their door bell three days ago, I dread it..I have gone through about fifty different scenario,s in my head before I’m even fully awake the morning of😁,. The favourite one is they pretend they are out when I call😁. Each year I choose the day and time in going to do the deed. Today was D day…😮. I had put it off enough.

I woke early, very early, the claustrophobic feeling of doom matching the weather outside, Grey, wet n windy…(I was spared the windy part only😁).. First task shower…not just any shower mind, oh no I precede to scrub myself to within an inch of life, basting myself in nearly neat Peppermint shower gel, I’m determined in my own small way to smell fresh, nice and like an XXXL strong mint😁, first objective achieved, everywhere is now ssmelling minty fresh, even those places on second thoughts it wasn’t quite such a good idea to freshen…ouch!😉next a spritz of deodorant, perfume, maybe I should dress now 😁.

I’m careful at this point not to over egg the pudding, guild the Lilly, put too much make up on and look like I’m trying too hard😁, all the while im trying to hard😊. I have a coffee to calm my fractured nerves, but of course when you have your cup of caffeine so strong you develop the shakes and a twitch under your right eye, this was not the look I was going for,. after this delay tactic I decide to just find my slippers and get it over with…I can’t find my slippers, where the heck are my slippers?!!, That’s it I can’t go, someone broke in and stole them I just know it….they eventually turn up the traitors under the other side of my bed, where I put them last night….oh yeah!!!!!, ooops! .

I finally grab the bag of gifts I’ve had over a week now, it includes one for wee Freddy their uber cute little dog., On leaving the flat finally, all excuses, delays and final checks used up, I go out, leaving my front door wide open, (there’s some sort of comfort in doing so, like I’ve just stepped out, oh yeah I have😊) I walk across, my finger pressing the bell, it’s loud jingly jangly sound makes me want to turn tail and run(coward)..but I dont, there’s no answer, so I ring again…again no answer, why won’t they answer? !!!????? They are all hiding behind the sofa, I know it, shooshing each other until I’m gone…you realise this is one of the many scenarios….I wait a minute before leaving…

I go back in, make more coffee, decide to do a few chores while I wait to try again, Today is the day, we are doing this, I’ve got this….only I havnt, I don’t wanna…I’m fast turning a nice thing, a good thing, a lovely thought, into a drama…my lack of self confidence ruining something again “Normal folk” take for granted. ..I start cleaning out Sages(my budgie) cage..I’m half way, when something out the corner of my eye moved over at my neighbours….Quick!!!!!!!, Let’s do it.

I leave Sage half cleaned, singing away to himself on the floor, grab up the bag from where I left it by the Christmas tree… And out we go, ok I’m going to be fine…but in that short few seconds, whomever has gone in, disappears, poooof, no more….with some determination, I ring that bell again!!!,…nothing!… I’m imagining them all making good their escape, out their back door, clambering over the 6ft fence, little Freddy with them in a frantic bid to escape their crazy neighbour person…😁, I’m about ready to go, when the door finally opens. … I’ve always got along well with both my neighbours and especially Freddy😊, so it’s no surprise that we do this time also, our chat easy, pleasant and warm…the difficulties are in my somewhat vivid imagination,running away with me on over drive, my insecurities playing fast and loose. Despite this though,It all goes well, we exchanged gifts and wish each other seasons greetings, and all that work up is now done for another year…well until next year that is 😁😁😁😁😁😁…if your still out there wandering aimlessly about the shops, you have my deepest sympathies…if your home finally, put those feets up, take your shoes off, pour yourself a drink and relax, my goodness you’ve earnt it bless you… If your doing it tomorrow …..surely your not right? You can’t be serious?… oh you are…i,’ll light you a candle ….take care out there good folk, look after you💚💖💚💖💚💖💚💖💚💖💚💖❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄🌨⛄🌨⛄🌨⛄x